The Three Basic Instincts – Big Book Workshop – Part 5 of 8 – Joe C.

Thank you. I get to that third column, and I didn't have an understanding of what part of self was affected, so I just skipped over that. But in the 12 and 12, he gives us some real good information about self and what makes self tick. And I always sponsor it. The people that I sponsor, I ask them to go to the 12 and read that information, get a working knowledge of those basic instincts of life so that we can better do the fourth step when we get to it. I like to talk about these basic instincts that Joe's referring to really in step three because they can show us why we really need to take step three. And I think we've got to face the fact that when Bill wrote the big book, 1937, 38, and 39, Bill was not a great spiritual giant. Bill was a night school lawyer and a New York City stock speculator. Yet he was able to write one of the most spiritual books the world's ever seen when he wrote the big book. You know, surely, surely God used Bill's hand to do so. But some years later, Bill began to realize that there was some information that he had become privy to in a period of years that if he could get it out to the fellowship, it would make it easier to work the steps according to the big-book Alcoholics Anonymous. So he wrote that series of essays in the 12 and 12 on the steps. Now, we do not believe that you can work the program out of the 12th and 12th. You just can't do that. There's no directions on how to work it in the 12 and 12. And that's one reason people love it so much. They can get in there and philosophize and dance around and never do anything. But there's some information that Bill had learned through working with many, many alcoholics, through working With some of the greatest spiritual minds and psychiatric minds in the world that he gave to us which really helps us work these steps. And this part that we're talking about, these three basic instincts of life, He taught me on about two pages more about what makes me tick than I had learned in 40 years of living up until that time. And we're going to go through them just very briefly here, and it shows us why we really need to work those three. It's also going to set us up for step four. He said these three basic instincts of life are God-given and that all human beings are born with these things. He said they're absolutely necessary for survival of the human race. And without these three basic instincts of life, there would be no survival of our race. He broke it down into the social instinct, the security instinct, and the sexual instinct. And he said under the social instant, he said all human beings are born with the desire to be liked, accepted, and respected by other people. He said all humans are born in the desire of coming together in groups with other people And he said if we didn't have those desires, if we hadn't joined together in groups with other people, that the world would eventually go into a dog-eat-dog situation, complete anarchy would reign, and under those conditions the human race would simply fail to survive. So these desires that you and I have, to be liked and accepted and respected by other people. These desires that we have to come together in group with other human beings, they're God given. They are a natural thing, and they are necessary for our survival. He used several terms under that. He talked first about companionship. Companionship is nothing more than wanting to belong or to be accepted. So many of us were born, raised on the outside of the crowd looking in, wanting to be a part of and knew we could not be. He talked about prestige. Prestige is wanting to being recognized or be accepted as the leader of the group. And the world needs leaders. Somebody's got to make decisions. You know, I guess back in the old caveman days, somebody had to say, Mary Jo, get behind that tree with your club. Billy Jack, you get behindthat bush with your spear. And Joe and I will run this sucker through here. Well, somebody has to do that. And most human beings will take one of two directions. Either let me be a part of or let mebe the leader of. In either case, it's going to be based upon what other people think of us. Is there like us, accept us, and respect us? we can become a part of those things, whatever it is we're wanting to do. He talked about self-esteem. Self-esteem is what we think of ourselves, and it's usually high or low. If we think that other people like us and accept us and respect us, we feel pretty good about ourselves. But if we think other people don't like us and accept this and respect this and reject us, if they do so, or if we even think they do, so we feel very lousy toward ourselves. Self-esteem. He talked about pride. I'm glad I got in the habit of going to the dictionary and looking words up. I always thought pride is something you were supposed to have. And as a young boy growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a man who walked tall with pride and a little bit sideways like John Wayne did. But when I went to the Dictionary and looked that word up, I found out I don't particularly want that pride. It's an excessive and unjustified opinion of oneself. We either think too well of ourselves, we think too little of ourselves. In most cases, it's absolutely not true anyhow. He talked about personal relationships. That's nothing more than our relations with other human beings and the world around us. He talked abut ambitions. Ambitions are the plans for the future. To be liked, to be accepted, to being respected, to a part of things that we plan for the future. Now if you want to be liked and accepted and respected by the world and the people in it, The first thing you've got to figure out is, what is it they want from me? And as kids growing up, we're usually taught those things by society, by what they teach us and by what we see happening. And one part of the world may be just to have a good education. Another part ofthe world is to be a large landowner. Another partof the world isto have a large family. It could be any number of things. It'll vary in different parts of theworld. And as we grow up, then we begin to try to determine what we need to be. And we set goals for ourselves. And if you're going to reach the goal, if you've got to get the good education, if you want to be the large landowner, whatever it might be, you're gonna have to work toward it. You can't just sit on your duff and be a bum and be liked and accepted and respected by other people. And I don't think you and I would do the work necessary to reach those goals that we set for ourselves if we didn't get a reward for doing so. The great reward we get comes at the moment of successful completion of the goal. Bill said it in his story when he said, I had arrived. My God, how many of us have set that goal? Literally worked our tails off for years. We get there, they pat us on the back and they say, oh, Joe, you're a fine fellow. You're a smart individual. You're really, really a good man. And there's a feeling that comes over us which is one of those indescribably wonderful feelings. We love that praise. The only thing wrong with it, though, is just a temporary feeling. Hell, you no sooner get the recognition and the praise that comes from the successful completion of the goal than you look around and you say, well, is this all there is to it? And you set another goal. And you work and you work, and you strive and you thrive, and you reach the new goal, you get the recommendation like you want it, but it doesn't last long, and we set another gold. It seems to create within we human beings an insatiable desire for more and more recognition, more and more acceptance, more and More Power, and they're not giving it to us fast enough. We're not getting it the way we think we ought to get it, so we start taking shortcuts. We start doing a little lying, a little conning, a little manipulating, a little stepping on other people's toes and climbing on their backs, and the instant we do so, we hurt other people. They in turn retaliate against us and create pain and suffering for us. Yeah, the book's right when it says that a life run on self-will can hardly ever be a success. Because under those conditions, we're always in collision with people, places, and things. He talked about the security instinct. And he said all human beings are born with a desire to be secure in the future. He said if we didn't have that desire, we wouldn't provide the food, the clothing, the shelter that we need in order to be able to survive in the feature. In our next winter season, we would simply freeze to death. The next drought, we'd starve to death." Now I know everybody in AA tries to live one day at a time. But I also noticed about everybody in here has got an insurance policy of some kind. And that's what the insurance policy is for, to protect us in the future. He said all human beings are born with that desire. Now if you're going to be secure in the feature once again, you've got to decide well what is it I need in order to be secured? And this will vary in different parts of the world too. Maybe one part of the word you just need $4. Another part of world you need $5. Another part you need 4,000. Another part in the world you'd need 4 million. Another part of the world, you need 192 coconuts. Whatever it is that they use to measure, trade, and barter with. And we set our goal. And we begin to work toward that goal. And if you're going to reach the goal, you're gonna have to work at it. You can't sit on your duff and be a bum and be secure tomorrow. At the same time, we're gonna having to make some sacrifices. We can't blow everything we got today and be secured tomorrow. And I don't think you and I would do the kind of work necessary to be secure tomorrow if we didn't get a reward for doing so. And once again, the great reward comes at the moment of successful completion of the goal. How many of us accept that goal? For the new bicycle, for the new dress, forthe new car, forthenewhome, forthenewbusiness, forthennewpieceofproperty. And we work and we work, and we strive and westrive, and a day that sucker's paid off, and nobody can touch it. My God, what a great thing that is. Hell, when I was a kid growing up, hardly anybody owned their own home. Nearly everybody rented. And once in a great while, somebody would get enough money together to make a down payment on a little four-room house. And they would pay and pay and play and pay and the day that sucker's paid off, they call in all the neighbors and we celebrate and we have a party and we end up burning the board he did such a great deal. But the only thing wrong with it, you no sooner get the thing and have it paid off and it becomes yours and you look around and you say, well, hell's bells. Is this all there is to it? I'm driving a Chevrolet and he's got a Cadillac. This guy over here, he's in a Brooks Brothers suit and I bought mine at K-Market. So on and so on. And we set another goal. And we work and we stork and we strive and we thrive and we reach the new goal and it feels good, doesn't last long. We set another gold. And it creates an insatiable desire within we human beings for more and more and More and More of these things. We're not getting them fast enough. They're not giving them to us the way we think they ought to. So what do we do? We take shortcuts. We lie. We cheat. We con. We manipulate. And the instant we do that, we hurt other people. They in turn retaliate against us and create pain and suffering for us. Playing with a life run on self-will can hardly ever be a success. The third basic instinct he talked about is a sex instinct. You've got to get a drink of water on it. You've just got to have a drink or water before you start on sex. He said all human beings are born with a desire to have sex. He said it may get turned off by bad teachings or bad happenings, but he said all humans are born without a desire. All human beings are born with the desire to have sex because if we don't have sex, we cannot reproduce ourselves. And if we do not reproduce ourselves, then sooner or later the human race is going to fail to survive. Now just like the other two, the fulfillment of the social instinct, the fulfillmentof the security instinct, and the fulfillment of the sex instinct, you are going to have to work at it. Hell, you can do more work in three minutes of sex if you can last that long than you do all day digging a ditch. Don't you older guys remember how it used to be when we got through with it? My God, you just fall over sideways. The sweat's just pouring off of you. You feel like you've died, gone to heaven, come back to it three times. And I don't think we would do that kind of work if we didn't get a reward for doing so. Gets excited, doesn't he? And the great reward comes at the moment of successful completion of the sex act. One of the greatest feelings a human being can experience, not only physically but also emotionally, The only thing wrong with it, though, you no sooner get through with sex and experience those emotions than it's just a temporary feeling. It doesn't last very long. And you look around, and the next thing you know, you get to thinking about doing it again. And then the next time you know it, you get thinking about it in different ways. And then you get think about doing in different positions. And after a while, you get the thinking about doing it with different people. And the next you know we're doing it at the wrong time, the wrong way, with the wrong people. And the instant we do so, we create pain and suffering for others. They, in turn, retaliate against us and create pain and suffering for us. You know, if every human being on earth today could fulfill these three basic instincts at the level that God intended for us to, there would be no conflict on earth today. But all human beings, sooner or later, will overdo in one or more of these areas because they are so pleasurable we simply cannot keep from doing those things that ends up creating pain and sufferings for others. Any life run on self-will can hardly ever be a success. Now, the little picture we got up there, you see the three basic instincts of life, and then coming out of that is a little circle called self. That's what makes up self-well. That's why we're here today. That's because that's what causes us to do the things that end up hurting other people. The very things that God gave us that's necessary for our survival are also the very thingsthat will destroy us left on self will. Coming out of self will, you'll see another circle called wrongs. It's another word you've got to look at. You know, somewhere we got the idea in AA that the word wrongs means a list of dirty, filthy, nasty items. But you go to the dictionary and look it up, and you find several definitions. One definition of the word wronk is incorrect judgment of other people. A little later on, we're going to find out that's just exactly what a resentment is. Another definition ofthe word wrong is incorrect believing. A little latter on,we're goingto find outthat's what most of our fears are. Another definition of the word wrong are the harms and the hurts that we do to our fellow human beings. It's very easy to spot a selfish, self-centered human being. They will always display three common manifestations of self that are always madder than hell. Damn him and damn her and by God I'll show them they're not going to treat me that way and blah-dee-blah-ba-blow-ba blah-bluh-blaw-bloh-blot. Selfish, self centered human beings are always scared to death. Can't depend on God. Can't dependent on other human beings If we're an alcoholic reaching the end of our alcoholism, we can't depend on ourselves any longer and we're running around absolutely scared to death all the time. Selfie self-centered human being is always doing things that ends up hurting other people. And we hurt those other people and we've got to suffer the retaliation from that. Plus, we've Got a conscience and the guilt and the remorse associated with those things just literally eat us up. There's no way that a selfie self-centered human being can be happy because our mind is always filled with resentments and fear and guilt and remorse. And under those conditions, eventually we want to feel better. We start thinking about taking a drink, and the next thing you know, we go right back to drinking again. This is the greatest information I have ever seen in my life that explains to me what causes me to do the things that I do and explains tome why left on self-will, I don't stand a chance for peace of mind and happiness necessary for good continual sobriety. I've got to make this decision to let God direct my thinking and if God directs it then I'll fulfill these basic instincts at the level that God intends for it to be and then I'm not in conflict with people, places and things or even my own conscience Joe go to page 62 we're going to take a break here in just a minute it won't be long page 62 it says selfishness and self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles we're driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but we invariably find that sometime in the past we've made decisions based on self which later put us in a position to be hurt. Alcoholism, I, self and me. We've made decision based on the satisfaction of these basic instincts which later put us in a situation to be heard. So our troubles we think are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us and God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid. Many of us have had moral and philosophical convictions galore but we could not live up to them even though we would like to. Neither could we reduce our self-interest much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help. Can't heal a sick mind with a sick mind. See, he told us how it works and this is why it won't work and now he's going to tell us how it really works. He said this is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. You know, if this is a God directed world and everything I read leads me to believe that's true, then those of us who have been self-directed and those of us who've been dying trying to direct everything and everybody around us we've been trying to do god's job for him we're not god we just been playing at being god we're going to have to quit doing that if we want any peace of mind and happiness he said next tells us what to do next next we decide that hereafter in this realm of life god was going to be our director not our suggester our director he's got his word back now and it'll be director of directions the rest of the way through the book so he is a principle we're his agents he's the father we're his children most good ideas are simple and this concept was a keystone of the new and triumphant art to which we pass to freedom you know I almost missed that simple little idea the way I used to pray was like this God give me this and God get me a new car and God give my wife back God help me make more money God do this God do that I use God like you would an errand boy send him out and take care of stuff you know and sometimes I would say if I forgot to ask you for something well give that to me also well you can see how that don't work and after i've been sober for a while i got to reading that other big big book and there's a story up there in front of it said he worked for six days and then he rested now to my knowledge he'd never go back to work anymore looks to me like there's gonna be any work being done around here it's gonna be me because he is he is the principal we're the agent he's the father we're the children he's the boss i work for him most good ideas are simple and i almost missed that simple little idea and this concept of letting god be the director is the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we're going to pass to freedom we're building a wonderfully effective spiritual structure step one willingness was the foundation step two believing was the cornerstone. And now he tells us it's going to be an arch, and we're going to pass through it to freedom. And the keystone of that arch, in the old, old arches they used to build, there was a certain stone right up in the top called the key stone. If it was cut right, the other stones leaned against it, and the key stone supported the arch. If it were faulty, it would fall out. The key stone of the arch through which we're gonna pass to freedom is a simple little idea. Those of us who have been self-directed all of our lives We're making a decision to let God be the director. It's just that simple. Let God be the director later on we're going to see some more stones go in place as we build this structure step by step by step we build it step by set by step. We get positive results from it. There's nothing negative about any of these steps on page 63. It tells us some good positive things that's going to take place here if we make this decision when we sincerely took such a position the one on page 62, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer. Being all-powerful, he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. See, I've got to do his work Well. Established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more, we began interested in seeing why we could contribute to life. See, Alouette's been a taker. Takers are losers, you know? Not only in AA, but in life. Takers or losers. And I was a loser. Today, I'm trying to see what I can contribute to life. He said, as we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of his presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. We were reborn. And God, I used to hate that idea about being reborn. There was a little church down the road from where I lived at that time and these guys would come up there on Monday night and knock on my door or want to talk to me about being reborn. You know what I did for them, didn't you? I'd run them off. I'd say, hey guys, this is Monday Night Football. You're interfering in my drinking and my football game. Get out of here. They want to talked to you. That's what I... I didn't understand. And I read another book when I got sober after a while. There was a story in there. This guy's name was Nicodemus. Dumber than a sack of hammers. Just like me. Because whenever he heard about being... that guy talked about being reborn, He went to him and said to him, when you talk about being reborn, you mean I've got to go back into my mother's womb and be reborn? I did see him looking at him and say, man, didn't you go to school? Didn't you Go to the university? Aren't you educated? Don't you know you can't do that? When I'm talking to you about being Reborn, I'm Talking about the renewing of your mind. Old ideas cast aside, new ones accepted. I could do that. And I couldn't wait now. I'm ready. The book said we were now at step three. We're really, and action is a magic word and I call it synonymous, and in life. And so I couldn't wait to get down there now that I understood this a little better. I couldn'T wait to go down to that church on Sunday morning to do this third step that they talked about. Because I knew what they were doing down there on Sunday mornin', just about 11 o'clock. So I waited till Sunday. Don't know why I waited until Sunday but I did. And I got there about two or three minutes before 11. If I didn't want to get there too early, I might hear something that would help me. So sure enough, I got there two or three minutes before 11 and sure enough that old preacher down there said for those of you who want to do the third step prayer basically, come on down here and let's do it. And this is what I did. Many of us said to our makers we understood him. God, I offer myself to you to deal with me and do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those that I would help of your power, your love, your way of life. May I do you will always. So we thought well before taking this step making sure that we were ready that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. Now I don't know what happened that Sunday morning. I just don't known. Not capable of knowing. But I do know this from that Sunday morning until this morning my life hasn't been the same. It's as if I've been walking on the dark side of the street and all of a sudden after the third step I'm on the sunny side of street. Just like that. and my life hadn't been the same. People began to come back into my life. My wife began to come back. My daughter began to come back, I began to get sobriety and stay sober. My life began to change, and all those things that I ever dreamed about morning has happened in my life as of today. Everything, everything. Thank God for the third step prayer. We thought well before taking this step, making sure we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him. I think the word utterly means completely, wholeheartedly, a whole ball of wax. I hope you don't make the mistake I did. The first time I took this step three, I got down on my knees, which I very seldom did in those days, and I said, God, offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. So on, so on, and so forth. And as I finished it up, I said now this applies to my alcohol. Don't fool with my sex life. Stay out of my money, I can handle that too. God probably said, what an order, I can't go through with it. I said, you take the alcohol and I'll take care of the rest of it. Today I realize that all I'm saying is that God probably doesn't even drink. He doesn't want the alcohol, he wants me. And he wants all of me. Just think, if he directed my thinking in all areas, maybe my thinking would become better, not only regarding alcohol, but sex, money, and everything else. If my thinking becomes better in all areas, then surely my actions are going to become better and surely my life's going to be better in all the areas too. We're going to ask you to do a favor for us. And just for me mainly. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. But I'd like for you to reach out and take the hand of those who are sitting next to you and just kind of hold hands a minute. And I'm going to read this prayer Sentence by sentence And as I read it We'll ask you to repeat it after me It said God I offer myself to thee To build with me And do with me as thou wilt Relieve me of the bondage of self That I may better do thy will That I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties. Take away mine. Take away all my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness that victory over them may bear a witness to those I would help of thy power to those that I would help of thy power thy love thy love and thy way of life and thy way of life may I do thy will always may I do thy will always amen amen thank you you'll never have to worry about step three you've just taken it let's take about a 15 minute break and we're going to the bottom of page 63 it tells us there we found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person such as our wife best friend or spiritual advisor and of course we always recommend on And step three, we take it in the company of other human beings. People that I sponsor, I insist they take it with me for two reasons. Number one, if they take It with me, then I know they have taken It. That's the only way I know for sure. But the real reason is that every time we do It, it has a deeper meaning for me and means more in my own personal life. Plus, we're meant to live. We're tridimensional creatures. We're meant To live with God. we're meant to live with our fellow human beings we're met to live with ourselves and we pray in the company of other human beings we're beginning to fit ourselves back together as God intended for us to be in the first place and this is our first real opportunity to do that by taking step three with other human beings way back in the beginning when they were in Dr. Bob's house when the newcomer got ready to make their surrender which is our step three Four or five of the older members would take the newcomer upstairs in one of the bedrooms. They would all kneel, and the newcomers would make their surrender. And after it was over, the older member would vote on how well he surrendered. If he didn't surrender good enough, they'd make him do it again too. It worked out real good. Okay, we're through with step three now. We've made our decision. Now let's see what we're going to do from here on. Well, let's go to the bottom of page 63 and start out right there. It says next. That's right after three. Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action. The first step, which is a personal house cleaning, which many of us have never attempted, though our decision, step three, was a vital and crucial step that could have little permanent effect unless at once, followed by strenuous effort to face and be rid of those cells in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom, so we had to get down to causes and conditions. The first thing we like to look at as we progress from step three on is the time element between step three and step four. And all we hear this question asked all over the country, how long should you wait after you've done step three before you start on step four? And we hear all kinds of answers. We've heard some people say, well, maybe you ought to wait 30 days. And we've had others say, maybe You ought to Wait 90 Days. And we heard a so-called professional in the field counseling people to wait a minimum of two years between three and four so that they could be sure and have their mind cleared up and do step four really perfect. And our question back to that professional was, how damn many people have you killed with that statement? You know, we're trying to find a way to live where not only can we be sober, but we can be peaceful and happy and free, where we can have a little serenity and peace of mind. And the longer we put off, the longer ?? procrastinate on step four, the longer were going to be restless, irritable, discontented, filled with shame, fear, guilt, remorse, worry, and all the good stuff that goes with it. And under those conditions, sooner or later the mind wants to feel better and it begins to think about that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by a couple of drinks. Next thing you know, we think we can drink and we go right back to drinking again. I don't know how long I could go under those conditions. Frankly, I'm not interested in finding out. The book tells us when we ought to take it. It said three is not going to do us any good unless we follow it up at once by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of those things in ourselves which have been blocking us. So I think what the book is saying is as soon as you're through with three, you're ready to start on four. Now knowing that, and knowing that if we don't get on with four, or we might get drunk over it, why would we still tend to procrastinate and not want to do step four? I think there's two or three reasons behind it. Some of the older members tend to play king off the mountain with step four. And they tell the newcomer, by God, you just wait until you get to step four, blah, blah, bla, bla. I just literally scared them to death. Let us be the first to say today, if we do step 4 the way the big book says to do it, there's nothing to be afraid of, period. It's not going to be a list of dirty, filthy, nasty items. And there's nothing to fear in step four. Knowing that, why would we still tend to procrastinate? Well, I think one of the main reasons is the instructions on how to do it are on page 64. But not understanding how Bill wrote for years, we didn't understand how to use step four according to the big book. So in our confusion, we got over into step five and we read something about sharing all your life story. And we said, oh, that's what they wanted us to do, that in four is write our life story. And that's why I did it at the beginning. Probably wasn't very important to other people. It must have been to me because there was 92 pages in it when I got on it. I took it to another poor, suffering alcoholic and asked him to read it. He read it and said, not very pretty, is it? And I said, no. He threw it in a waste paper basket. He said, you'll never have to be that way again. I learned nothing to contribute to my alcoholism by writing my life story. And as I look back now, I realize 95% of my life's story doesn't have anything to do with my alcoholisim. The fact that I was born in 1929, I don't think it's got anything to deal with my alcoholicism. It may have had something to do with somebody else's but not mine. The fact that I went into the service immediately after high school and served a hitch in the army, I don' t think it has anything to be related to my alcoholicisim The fact that I was married at age 21, I don't think it's got a thing to do with it. But I'll tell you what it did do. The 95% that had nothing to do with it very effectively covered up the 5% that did and I learned nothing to contribute to my alcoholism from my life story. So in our confusion somebody in Minneapolis, Minnesota wrote the four step inventory guide. We got the Minneapolis guide, we combined it with a big book and we got more confused yet. Somebody in Dallas, Texas wrote one. We took the Dallas guide combined it with a Minneapolis guide, combined it with a big book and got more confused yet. We saw one one time coming out of Canada. Nothing wrong with Canada but that's where it came from. Had 20 pages in it and if you wasn't crazy as hell before you took it you sure as hell wouldn't be when you were through with it. It was one of those. All the time the instructions have been right here in the book and we just couldn't see them because we didn't understand how Bill writes. Now there's two things that you've got to understand about this if you're going to do it the way the book says. Number one, we've got to remember that Bill loves to talk about something we already know about and then use that to teach us something new. We saw him do it with a great ocean liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck. Here he does it by talking about a business inventory, assuming that you and I know something about a Business Inventory. And he's going to use that example then to tell us how to do our own personal inventory. The other thing we've got to always remember about him, he repeats himself quite often, but he finds a different word which means the same thing. And seeing that, I think it's going to be amazing how simple this step four really is if we do it the way the big book says to do it. So let's just kind of relax. Let's just kinda sit back and see if we can't see how simple his thing is. And if we cannot see where there's nothing to be afraid of in this thing at all, He starts out first by making a comparison, which he loves to do. He said, therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was step four. And immediately he goes to business. He says if business was sectional regular inventory, he usually goes broke. Now I think you and I could probably recognize the fact that if we had a business selling ladies' purses, men's watches, bicycles, whatever, it doesn't make any difference. If we didn't go in there and inventory once in a while, And by the way, inventory is defined as a written list of items. If we didn't go into our inventory in our business, we wouldn't know what's been stolen out of the store we didn'T get paid for. We wouldn't known what's being sold and we need to reorder new stock to replace it. We wouldn' t know what' s become damaged and unsaleable and nobody wants to buy it. It' s sitting there taking up valuable floor space, valuable cabinet space, display case. We're probably paying interest on borrowed money on it. It sits there day after day after day after today and nobody wants to buy it. We wouldn't know what's become out of style and people aren't interested in buying those kind of items. If we didn't inventory in the business, we probably eventually would end up going broke. I think everybody could see that. Okay, in our personal lives, we have a business too. And our business is the most important business in the world to us. It's a business of finding and a way to live, where not only can we be sober, but we can have a little peace of mind so ready to end happiness. And if we don't inventory in our personal business of staying sober, then we're probably going to go broke too. And going broke for us is simply going back to drinking. So whether we deal with a business inventory or a personal inventory, if we do not do it, we are probably going to go break. Now then, he says, and we're going to put a little picture up here on the screen again. And you've got one that will match it. And we're going to take a few key words out of the big book. And we are going to put them up here on this screen as we look at them. He says, A business which takes no rigor or inventory usually goes broke. And then he says, Taking a commercial inventory. Now that burned him. He could have said business again. But he don't like to repeat himself twice. Have you guys got that sheet in your thing? I don't see it in this one I've got up here. Where is it? Yeah, there it is. We call it inventory comparison. Okay, we're going to take a few key words now from this business inventory and list them up here on the board. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding. and we're putting fact-finding on the board and a fact-facing process and we'll put in fact-faceing on the board. It is an effort to discover the truth and we are putting truth on the board about the stock in trade and we will put stock in trade on the board. Stock in trade is what's in there for sale the ladies purses, the men's watches the bicycles or whatever one object is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods and we're putting damaged or unsaleable goods on the board to get rid of them promptly and without regret. And we're getting rid of it promptly and without regrets on the Board. In other words, in a business inventory, we're going to try to find the facts. When we find them, we're gonna try to face the facts We're trying to discover the truth about the stock in trade. We're tying to disclose the damage and unsalable goods. Now, the good items don't cause us to go broke. The damaged and unsaleable items cause us to go broken. When we find them, we're going to try to get rid of them promptly and without regret. And he said if the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. In other words, he's going to have to be just as honest as he possibly can. And once in a while, he'll try to fool himself. He or she, whichever the case might be. They might say, well, the reason these ladies don't want to buy these purses is they just don't understand what they really need. They made a decision to buy them. They hate to admit they're wrong, and it may keep them in there much longer than they should. And if they do, it's going to cost them money day after day after day. So they've got to be truthful with this inventory. Now, is there anybody in here that would have any problem with that statement he's just made about a business inventory? We're going to try to find the facts. When we find them, we're going to face them. We're trying to discover the truth about the stock in trade. We're looking for damaged and unsaleable goods. When we get rid of them, or when we find them, we're going to get rid of them promptly without regret. You can't put new items in there until the old items are gone. So when we find him, we've got to get him out of there so we can put new stuff back in there. Anybody got any problem with that? Okay, now watch it. He wrote a step for us and used a series of words which means basically the same thing as these words up here in our fourth step he said we made a searching and we're putting searching under the personal side straight across from fact finding they mean the same way to find the facts to search out the facts we made a searching and fearless and we are putting fearless straight across to face those things as they really are, to fearlessly look at them. We made a searching and fearless moral, and there's where we got in trouble. We said, oh, shit, there it is. There's that list of dirty, filthy, nasty items. And we don't want to look at him. We sure as hell don't wanna show him to somebody else later on in step five. Now, I'm not sure what all Bill Wilson knew, but one thing I am sure of, this guy understood the English language. And I think if he'd wanted you and I to make a list of dirty, filthy, nasty items. I think he would have said we made a searching and fearless amoral or immoral inventory of ourselves and he didn't say that. He said moral. Bugged us and bugged us and bugbed us. Finally back to the dictionary. You know what moral stands for? Truth. Things as they really are. The right and wrong of any given situation. So moral and truth mean identically the same thing. We made a search and fearless moral inventory of what? of ourselves. We're the only stock in trade that we have in this business to stay on sober. Nobody else can make us drink, and nobody else can make us sober. We decide whether we're going to drink or not. So as I make this searching and fill this moral inventory of myself, I'm going to look right up here in my little head, and I'm gonna try to find those things that block me off from carrying out the decision I made in step three. And as we talked about in step three there are three common manifestations of self that blocks god out and they're always present in every selfish self-centered human being one is resentments one is fears and one is the guilt not associated with the people we've heard in the past so what i'm going to do is i make this searching and fearless moral inventory of myself the part of me that causes me to drink or not drink will be my thinking process. And I'm going to find those flawed thinking processes that block me off from God. And when I find them, I'm gonna try to get rid of them promptly and without regret. And all selfish self-centered people will display the same three common manifestations of self resentment, fear, guilt, and remorse. Now I like to look at my mind up here is just a little bitty store. Not very much. A little quick trip. It's not as big as a 7-Eleven. A get and go or come and get it or whatever you want to call it. Just a little bit of store. Now up here in my store, I have some display cases over here. And they're filled with resentments. Damn him. Damn her. By God, I'll show them. They're not going to treat me that way. The next time they do that, I'll do this. I'll put it on and on and on and on. God can't get in my mind. He is very effectively blocked out by those resentments. If I want God to direct up part of my thinking, I must do something about the removal of those resentment. And then and only then can God's thinking come into my mind You know, God told the human race, He said, I love you enough that I'll let you live out there on self-will until you die. He said I'll never take it back from you. You're going to have to give it back to me, and I can't give it back to him as long as my mind is filled with resentments. The people, the places, the things I resent, they are controlling my thinking. They are directing my thinking, and if they do, God can't. It's just that simple. Over here on this side of my store, I've got a little file cabinet, and it's filled with fear. Oh my God, what's she going to do when she finds out about this one? Oh my God, what's the banker going to doing when that check gets in there? He's already told me he's going to file on me the next time. Oh, my God. What is the boss going to find out when he finds out? What's he going to... Oh, My God. And on and on and On and On. That file cabinet is already full. God can't get in there. He's very effectively blocked out by my fears. Back here in the back of my store, I've got a little storage room. And it's filled with guilt and remorse associated with the people I've hurt in the past. We're not drunken bums. We've got conscience. And as long as that storeroom back there is filled with guilt and remorse associated with those things from the past, God can't get in there either. He's very effectively blocked out. So if I want God to direct my thinking, I'm going to have to do something about the damaged and unsaleable thoughts that very effectively keep God blocked out of my mind. Resentments, fears, and guilt, and remorses. And thank God our book is going to show us a very simple way to look at these things, to see the truth behind them, a way to get rid of them, and the greatest thing of all, a way that keeps them from coming back in the future. And if I can get those things out of my head, then God can direct my mind. But until I get them out of there, God can't. The things I resent, the fears, the guilt, the remorse, they control my thinking for me and God can. It's just that simple. Look at what he says. We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly, truthfully, morally. First we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. Being convinced that self manifested in various ways of what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From its stem all forms of spiritual disease For we've been not only mentally and physically ill We've been spiritually sick When a spiritual malady is overcome We straighten out mentally and physical In dealing with resentments We set them on paper Now before we set resentments on paper Let's look at that word If we don't understand it the way the writer understood it The information is going to be flawed information The word resentment comes from two old, old words r-e when you see r-i in front of another word it always means to do again to repeat to do over to repaint replay rebuild always means to do a game the last part of that word sentiment comes from an old word called centuri which means to feel So the word resentment means to feel again, to feel again. Okay, in the scheme of life I'm going along fat, dumb and happy and somebody who is sick in self, in a social instinct, security instinct or sex instinct, they're sick in itself and they do something to me that hurts one of my basic instincts of life. Maybe they threaten my social instinct in some way. Maybe they threaten my self-esteem. Maybe they threaten a personal relationship. Maybe they threatened my security. Perhaps they ripped me off. Maybe they threatens my sex life. And when they do that to me, that's not a resentment on their part. That's a wrong for doing so. It doesn't become a resentment until I go off in the other room or I go home that evening and sit down in my easy chair and I replay that thing in my mind. And as I replay that thing, I replay it again in my mind, I feel the pain the second time I refill that thing. And after a while I sat there and I play it over again. Now the stupidity in it is that they hurt me the first time but now I'm sitting there doing it to myself. They're not even here now, they're clear across town. And I found out one thing about my resentments. I'm not always too honest with myself. As I replay that resentment and feel the pain the second time, I tend to distort the picture just a little bit. I tend TO make what they did a little BIT WORSE and what I did a LITTLE BIT LESS and the pain just a LITTER BIT DEEPER. And let me sit there and play it over and over and OVER and OVER. it no longer resembles a truth at all because I distort it each time as I play it. You know, I compare these resentments to a good football game. Back in our part of the country, we love football and you guys love it out here too. And sometimes in a football game, you'll see one of those guys get hurt real bad. Maybe they tackle him and just turn him upside down and falls on his head and his legs go one way and his arm's another way, and you can tell that he's really hurt when you see him hit the ground. Now one of two things is going to happen. The football game is just like the game of life. It's going to go on. You can't stop it. When this guy's hurt, one of the two things are going to happened. They're going to run out there and check him out. And if he's not hurt too bad, they'll pump a little air into him, get him up, and the game starts again. But if he hurts bad, they'll drag him off to the side, put somebody in his place, And the football game starts again. Now, the announcer up in the booth, he's got a resentment machine. Because after a while, he says, let's look at that again. And this time it's in slow motion, living color. You can see the expression of pain on his face. And it looks twice as bad this time as it did the first time. And after a while, the announcer says, let's look at that again. Now, the game's been going on for 15 minutes, and the announcer's sitting over here bouncing this guy up and down, up and up, and up and off the ground. We alcoholics have up here in our head a resentment replay machine. I guess everybody's got one, but surely we alcoholics do. We get up early in the morning. We clean the lens on it because we don't want to miss anything all day long. We tune it up in living color. We leave the house and we shine it on everything and everybody all day long, and we record all those things they do to us that are bad. Then we go home and sit down on our easy chair in the evening, replay it in our head, make ourselves sick and blame it on other people. Once in a while, we have a bad day. Once in a while we've got those limbs clean. We've got that sucker tuned up. We're shining there on the world all day and they won't do anything to us bad. That's a bad thing. We've nothing to record. That is a bad, bad day for an alcoholic. You know what we record those days? By God, we record what they are thinking. That is what we do. We don't ever record anything good, only the bad stuff. Is there any way God can enter a minefield with that kind of crap? No way can God enter a mind field with that kind of scrap. Now the reason we love those resentments so well is if you take a resentment and you keep throwing it out there and throwing it up, you're going to get a resentment. You're throwing it down there and throwing It out there. After a while it turns around and it comes back at you. And it comes Back at you as self-resentment And we can't stand self-resentment. So after a while, self-resentment turns into self-pity. And my God, we alcoholics love self-pitty. We love to get up in the morning, put his on as a cloak of dignity. We go out the door and we say, here I come, mean old world, just do it to me. I know you're waiting for me out there. You're going to get me. It's a sick, sick way to build your ego. After all, if you're important enough that all the rest of the world is picking on you, you must really be somebody. So if we want God to direct our thinking, we're going to have to do something about getting rid of those resentments. Because as long as we've got them in our mind, then whoever, whatever we're resenting is controlling the way we think. And if they control the way they think, we think they control our decisions, they control their actions, and we very effectively give them control of our lives. I didn't know that until I took this inventory I thought you were supposed to have resentments. I knew that everybody had them, but I didn't know I was letting other people control me through my resentments toward them. Thank God I've learned that. Now our book is getting ready to show us just exactly how to look at those resentments, how to see the truth behind them, how to get rid of them, and how to keep them from coming back in the future. Then God can control that particular part of our mind, Joe. If you look at page 65, you'll notice that page 65, the inventory process is already filled out. We weren't quite sure how he filled that out. But I do know that we're taught to read from left to right and to do things from left or right. And so I set about to do this inventory from left of right. Didn't have any, didn't read the instructions. Just going to do the inventory. And then I looked at the first one and said, well, write down, resentful at Mr. Brown. So I write down his name. and then I changed my mind and go to the second column the cause and I write down the reason why I'm mad at that person and then I change my mind again and go to the third column of what part of self was affected and I didn't understand that and then I thought about that a long time and I said well I'll go back to Mrs. Jones and I wrote down Mrs. Joan changed my heart changed my head and went to the cause you can see what happens after a period of time if your mind is like mine after a while it just says tilt and you say to yourself oh heck they don't want that anyhow what they wants my whole life story so we just skip over that page 65 as if it didn't mean anything well bill didn't put anything in this book that it didn'T mean something he intended for us to do that inventory just the way it's laid out but the instructions are over here on page 64 and if we look at the instructions and follow will be able to follow this inventory real easy. Now, let us emphasize that the inventory form you have in your handout sheet, the one we're going to put up here on the board, is not a new inventory. We're not trying to bring something else into AA. The first three columns that you have on your handout cheat will be page 65 in the blank form. One column says I'm resentful at. The next says the cause, and the next affects my. So what we're going to look at now, disregard the last two columns for the time being. We'll use them a little later on as we get further into the inventory. So what you really got is page 65 in a blank form, and we in turn are going to see the instructions on how to fill them out. So we think the way to fill out these forms is from top to bottom, one column at a time, from top top to the bottom. For instance, it says in dealing with resentment, we set them on paper. Well, we got our paper here and now we're ready. The next instruction says we listed people, institutions, or principal of whom we are angry, period. We stop right there and we go to the first column. And simply we write down the people. We don't know who would resent the latter. We write down the institutions, places like the federal government or the post office or the library or the school system or the IRS or the institution that we're angry at. Ex-wives and ex-husbands and all those people. Principals with whom we're angered at. Simply write them out, going from top to bottom, one column at a time, all the way down, all the things that we resent for that. You know, while we've got one thing and one thing only on our mind, let's go from top to bottom. Let's make our list of resentments. He talks about the people and institutions who we're mad at. That's self-explanatory. Principles are those old, old guiding... I hate to use the word laws. I can't think of anything any better than I used to hear all my life that I really did resent. The Ten Commandments are a set of principles. And I certainly didn't want to hear anything about the Ten Commandements when I'm out there drinking. I'm breaking practically all of them. Maybe one I didn't, but I could have when I was drunk. I don't know. Another old principle I hated is what goes up must come down. I didn' t care for that. Another one is what you give out and what you get back. Another one are there are no free rides. You'll pay for whatever you receive. My dad used to use one on me that I hated then, don't really like it now. He said, son, when you lay down with dogs, you'll get fleas on you every time. You know, old, old principles that were contrary to our style of living. Now what could be more simple than to list first the people we're upset with, we're resentful at, then the institutions we're resentment at, then the principles we're respectful toward. I've never known an alcoholic yet that did not know just exactly who and what by God we're mad at. We sit around and talk about it for hours and hours in bars. All we got to do is take it out of our mind put it down in column one and when you do that i think you'll be amazed at what comes out of this they came to me and they said make a list of your resentments and i said i don't have any they said oh surely you've got one or two maybe you don't understand what a resentment is and explained to me it was the refilling of old pains old hurts old angers and i said oh yeah i've got a couple of those they said we'll put them down on a sheet of paper Be sure and leave some space with them in between them like page 65 shows. So I took a regular-sized sheet of paper, and I began to list resentments. And the next thing I knew, that two or three had turned into about eight of them. I reached over and got another sheet of paperwork. The next thing you know, I had eight on that. And I got another piece of paper. And before I got through, I got about 152 of them! I said, man, you matter in hell and everything! I did not know that. You can only see one resentment at a time in your head. I don't think any of us will ever realize how many resentments we really do have, how much they control and dominate our thinking, until we put them all down on a sheet of paper and see them in their entirety for the first time. And we made a decision in step three to let God direct our thinking. If we've got that many resentiments, then they direct our overthinking and God can't. It's just that simple. Fill out column one. I learned something very valuable about me. How many resentments I really do have. How much they control and dominate my thinking. And it says from it, the resentment. It sends all forms of spiritual disease. We don't just get mad with one thing. When we get resentful, we're resentful everywhere. That's why we end up with so many resentances on a sheet. So in the first column, we just simply write down, even that space is very, very important. Mr. Brown, Ms. Jones, the employer, and the wife. All those people, places, institutions with whom we're angry. Now let's look at the second instruction. I'm sure that Bill had more than four. He probably just didn't want to use any more space in the book. He just listed four of them there. He said, We asked ourselves why we were angry, period. And we go to the second column under the cause. And look at this second column. He only uses four or five words to describe the cause, no long dissertations, don't have to write no essays, just four or 5 words to drive the cause Well, why is he mad at Mr. Brown? Well, his attention to my wife. Told my wife of my mistress. Brown may get in my job for the office. Boy, I don't even know Mr. Round. I'm already mad at him myself. He's mad at Mrs. Jonesville. Why? Well, she's a nut. She snubbed me. She committed her husband for drinking. Put his best drinking buddy in the insane asylum. That's what she did. He's my friend and she's gossip. Now, he's really upset with his employer. Why? Well, he's unreasonable and unjust and overbearing. Probably said, Bill, where were you all day Monday anyhow? How come you're not on the job? Threatens to fire me for drinking and padding my expense account. That's unreasonable as hell, isn't it? Very narrow-minded individual. Now, he was really upset with his wife. Why? Well, she misunderstands and she nags. And she likes old Brown. And she wants the house put in her name. Before you start trying all that together, it's time to get upset a little bit. But simplicity is the key. Just four or five words describe the cause. Put it down beside each name, top to bottom, all the way down. For a particular name, there may be only one cause, for there may ???? multiple causes as he's shown here. We just very simply put them down in column two. Not only do we know who we're mad at, but we know just exactly why we're bad at them too. All we've got to do is take it out of our head, put it down on this sheet of paper. I filled out the second column. I learned something very, very valuable. I begin to see it's really not them I'm mad at. It's what they've done to me that's got me upset. You know, I take Mr. Brown out of here, put Mr. Green in, and I'm just as mad at Green if he does the same thing. I take Ms. Jones out of there and put Mrs. Smith in here, I'd be just as bad at Smith as I am Jones if she did the same thing. I begin To realize it's not them that I'm really upset with. It's What they've Done to Me That's Got Me Upset. Now, the reason that's important is I'm getting ready now to start out on a lifetime process of developing the best possible relationship that I can with the world and everybody in it so I can have maximum peace of mind. Part of that relationship is later on, I'm going to ask a bunch of people to forgive me for what I've done. But by the same token, I am going to have to also forgive people for what they've done and part of the forgiving starts right here in column two when I begin to realize it's not them that's got me upset. It's what they've done to me that's got me upset very valuable information now let's see the third column earlier today charlie went over those basic instincts of life talked about them quite a bit before we did step three see if you can see those words now he said in most cases found that our self-esteem our pocketbooks our ambitions our personal relationships including sex were hurt or threatened so we were sore we were burned up on our grudge list we set options each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal sex relations which had been interfered with? We were usually as definite as this example. I'm not going to get upset with another human being unless they've done something to threaten one of my basic instincts of life. If you threaten my social instinct, self-esteem, personal relationships, etc., that upsets me. If You Threaten My Security, That Upsets Me. IfYou Threatened My Sex Life, That upsets me. I can't get upset unless one of those basic instincts of life has been threatened. So beside of each cause, I write down what part of self is affected here. Let's look at Bill's example. He's mad at Mr. Brown because his attention to my wife. Well, that's a threat to his sex relations. You know, if Brown gets to fooling around with his wife and she finds out Brown's better than he is, he may lose out at home. It's also a threat to his self-esteem. What are the people going to think about me if my wife gets to fooling around with Brown and it becomes common knowledge in the neighborhood? He's mad at Brown because he told my wife and my mistress. Now, boy, that's a threat to sex relations. As soon as the wife finds out about it, she cuts him off at home. Then she goes over there and raises hell with the mistress and he's cut off over there too. No sex relations at all. It's a thread to his self-esteem. Now, here we are living in a neighborhood, going to work every day, supporting our wife and children like a fellow ought to, paying our taxes like a good citizen, taking the Boy Scouts out on Saturday afternoon, teaching Sunday school on Sunday morning. And all of a sudden this story about me, my wife, Brown, and my mistress becomes neighborhood gossip. Now if you don't think that's a threat to your self-esteem, you ask Jimmy Swaggart. You ask Jimmy Baker. You ask that last guy that was up in the White House. He'd tell you about that too. A real threat to your self-esteem. Bill C. He's upset with Brown because Brown might get his job at the office. Well, that's a threat to his security if Brown gets his job. It's also a threat of his self-esteem. What are other people going to think about me if Brown undercuts me and takes my job away from me? Very carefully we do that. As I filled out the third column, I think I might have learned the most valuable thing I ever learned in the third column for the first time in my life I saw where anger comes from I've always had a problem with anger and I've also always acted and reacted with anger do something that hurts other people I'd be ashamed of it and I'd say I'll never do that again and turn right around and do it over and over you can't do anything about a problem until you understand the problem I never knew where anger came from I thought it was just one of those feelings that flitted into your mind that you could do nothing about it. Today, I realize anger comes from a threat to one of the basic instincts of life. And it's how I choose to react to that threat which is going to determine whether I get angry or not. Now, this lady I'm married to, if there's such a thing as a black belt Al-Anon, she's a great woman. I love her deeply. She's got 34 years in the Al-Al-Anun program. but like all human beings once in a while she gets sick herself the Alano's don't like to admit that but they do once in awhile and she'll say or do something to me that threatens one of my basic instincts of life now if my instincts are under control and if my relationship with God is right I find them able to say well the poor old thing they're sick just like we are they can't help it any more than we can and it will just slide off of my back and won't bother me at all Now, two weeks from now, the same lady does the same identical thing. Only this day, my relationship with God is not quite right. My instincts are a little bit out of character and I react with anger and I romp and I stomp and I raise hell with Barbara and everybody around me all day long. Same lady did the same thing. But I choose to react to it in an entirely different manner. Thank God I've learned that. Because you see, I can't do anything about Barbara. I can'T do anything ABOUT any other human being on earth. But I can do something about my reaction to them. And if I don't have to get angry and upset, I'm in much less chance of drinking than I would be before this process started. Very valuable information. I've learned three things just by filling out this sheet. First column, I've learn how resentful I really am. How much they control and dominate my thinking. If they do, God can't. Second column, I've learnt it's not really them I'm resentful at. It's what they've done to me that's got me resentful. Third column I've learned is not even what they've done that's got me resentful. It's how I have chosen to react to it based upon my relationship with God and whether my instincts are under control or not. Very valuable information. Now, we're going to put a couple of names up here just to give you an example of how simple this really is. We're going take a couple from mine and maybe one or two from Joe's inventory. I'm not going to do them all, though. On my inventory sheet, the first name I had in column one was this lady named Barbara. I love her today. And I'll guarantee you about 34 years ago, I hated this woman with a purple passion. If there had been any way that I could have gotten rid of her without having to go to penitentiary over it, I damn sure would have done it. I used to lay awake at night fantasizing Now, tomorrow morning when she gets up and goes to work, and I always believed her being self-supporting through her own contributions, so she went to work. And on the way, and then I fantasized, now on the Way to Work, she's going to get run over by a big semi-truck. And it's not going to be just any trucking company. It's goingto be a very affluent trucking co. And they're going to kill her, and I'm going to sue them. And not only do I get rid of her, but I come out with a couple million dollars out of this deal. You Al-Anons are not the only people that fantasize. We alcoholics did it too. The second name on my list was the Internal Revenue Service. Now, if you want to see a guy come apart, you just mention the InternalRevenueService. And immediately I started jumping up and down, frothing at the mouth, cussing and raising hell with everything of God I hated those people. Joe, who was the first one on your list? Oh, Rose. Was she one of the two that she was married to seven times? She's number one four times, old Rosie. Okay. That's how simple column one is. That's just how simple column one and column two. Why am I so upset with Barbara? Well, she had the audacity to file for divorce three times the last year before she went to Al-Anon. She's spending more money on lawyers and divorces than I'm spending on drinking and everything else. And I really had it in for her for doing that, filing for three divorces within one year. Isn't that something? Why am I so upset with the Internal Revenue Service? Well, hell, they're trying to put me in jail. That's why I'm upset with them. Matter of hell, Adam. Joe, how come you're so upset we rose? He had an affair with another man. Had an affair avec un autre homme. No. That's how simple column two is. Column three, which part of self is affected by Barbara falling for divorce three times with every one year? Is that a threat to my self-esteem? Oh yeah, what's the neighbors going to think about this now? A threat to personal relationships? Certainly she's going to take the kids and she's gonna go. Is it a threat to my security? You better bet it is. Whatever little we got left, she's going to get it all when she leaves. Is it a threat to my sex life? Yes. She's not going to let me have any after we get a divorce. Just wipe me out straight across the board. Internal revenue service trying to put me in jail. Is that a threat to my self-esteem? Sure. What are people going to think about me if I end up in the hoose cow with this deal? Threat to my personal relationships? Yeah, they're not going to let my wife and children have anything to do with me when I'm in jail. Is it a threat to my security? Oh yeah, by the time they get through fining me and everything, they'll take it all. Is it an attack on me? Is it threat to sex life? With the kind I'd like to have, yeah. There may be some in there I don't want. The kind I would like to had, you betcha it's a threat too. it old rose old rose having an affair with another with another man is that a threat to joe's self-esteem or what's people going to think of him now he can't even keep his own wife at home a threat for his security i never look because i never know for sure what he's going to put up there Is it a threat to his security? Sure. He's going to have to go to work now. That woman's been supporting him for the last ten years. Threat to his sex life? Well, you betcha it is. That's how simple column three really is. It doesn't take very long to fill this out. You can go home and sit down and do it in a couple hours. You can have this part of the inventory done. A couple hours or even less. Now that we've filled it out, now that we got the sheet done, Let's see what we're going to do with it now. It says that when we went back through our lives, nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. Well, I knew that all along. To conclude that others were wrong as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worst matters of God. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived. Now it's plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, that we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. I read that last statement, and I stopped, and i tried to look back in my life, and see how much time i've actually squandered in resentments. Now i don't know about you guys, but i know about me. And when I've got a good resentment churning around up here in my head, I'm pretty well paralyzed from doing anything worthwhile. All I want to do is just sit there and play that over and over and over and again. One of my favorite things that I used to love to do when I was still drinking was get up early in the morning, have a drink of whiskey and a cup of coffee, and turn on my resentment replay machine and replay what she did to me yesterday, replay what he did to me last week replay what that damn policeman did to me a month ago replay what that boss did to be a year ago briefly what that neighbor did to me five five play play replay replay replay and took me just about an hour to run through that tape I loved every moment of it when that tape would run out I'd have another drink of whiskey in another cup of coffee and I would turn on my get even machine yeah now I got the next time she does that I'm gonna do this, you'll say that, and suckle. I'm going to put it there. They're not going to treat me that way. It took at least an hour to run through the Get Even machine. I've squandered literally thousands and thousands and thousands of hours in resentments. When I got to AA, I found out I was still doing the same thing. I just wasn't taking the drink of whiskey. I was getting up, having a cup of coffee, turn on my resentment replay machine, run it for an hour, another cup of coffee, turned on my Get Even Machine, and I was doing the samething in AA that I was doing when I was out there drinking. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I reached a point in my life where I don t have a hell of a lot of time left. For the first time in my life, I m sober, I m peaceful, I'm happy, and I m free. I don T resent anything or anybody. I didn t know you could be sober and feel as good as I feel today up here in my head. Not my body, but in my head. What little time I ve got left, I ll be damned if I m going to waste any more of it in resentments when I don't have to. They block me off from God. They block me out from my fellow human beings. They blocked me off for many good feelings of myself. And as far as I can tell, they've never made me a nickel. Never made any money from them. Never straightened up another relationship with another human being. Only made them worse and worse and worse and made me sicker and sicker. And I'm not going to waste one little time I've got left because I found the way that I don' t have to do that any more. That's a bad deal, wasting time, squandering time in resentments. But that's not the worst thing. Here's the worst things. There's the worst thing about a resentment. When we've got a good resentment churning around in our head, we're blocked off from anything good. We're blockedoff from God. We're blockoff from our fellow human beings. We'reblockedoff from good feelings. We don't feel good. And our mind is going to feel bad just so long. And it's going to start searching for relief. And it starts remembering the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a couple of drinks. Next thing you know, we become insane. We believe it's okay to drink. And we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. I've seen more alcoholics get drunk over resentments than I had anything else, and they absolutely kill us. So that's why we've got to get rid of them. The book says if we were to live. Thanks for listening.