Why She Stopped Listening to the Squirrel Cage in Her Head – Sharon B.

Thanks. My name is Sharon Barker. I'm an alcoholic. It's really good to be here. I want to thank everybody for your enthusiasm. I walked in here this afternoon and I felt really at home with just the busyness of the excitement of the weekend that we have laid out in front of us to sit in the middle and hear the music of Alcoholics Anonymous and I want to thank everybody for the work they put into it, and Barbara very much I got a call from Barbara every week sometimes twice a week, are you coming? she's like an energetic newcomer a couple of years I think but you know, it's like what kind of room do you want what are you going to wear, what are your bringing, who are you coming with, you know she was great you guys. She's just, you know, just like a lap dog right there all the time. It was really good. And it's good to thank the girls that I sponsor that came up here tonight and it's Babar and the girls in that row back there. I think they're watching him. I don't thought he was watching them but, and I'm seeing a lot of people that, people I used to sponsor in the room and people that I've known from other parts of the country are here. And it's just great. It's great to sit in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and feel like, when I hear Chapter 5, it's просто, oh, I'm so glad I'm here. I'm an alcoholic, and when I listen to the music of Alcoholic Anonymous, there's something deep within me that just gets fanned with hope. And I have never not felt that in a meeting, no matter if it's been in another language I've been in places that I don't understand the accent. I hear Chapter 5, I hear people sharing. It's a language of the heart. And today I try to think with my heart. I feel with my art and I think with me heart. My head is still an alcoholic, it's alcoholism, and it is there every morning when I wake up and I need my morning meditation to calm it down because the vulture sits on the end of the bed. I don't know, it gets fed at night, it gets rested, it's ready to go it's had a talk with itself it's picking on my toes and I wake up and there it is so I get a daily reprieve from my alcoholism by coming and sitting in the middle of you and walking with my God it wasn't that way 29 years and 20 days ago it was not that way it amazes me that here we are we're a drinker one day and the next they were not a drinker you know I don't understand that other than the longer I'm here the more precious I know that is and if you're new in the room you've had your day you don't have to go get another day you know you've Had Your Day hang on to that day the woman that brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous had eight days eight eight new sobriety dates and she didn't get a ninth one and I don'T know if God would have tapped her on the shoulder and said okay you know you don't get a ninth one, hang on to the seat. You know, just come on midnight. You'll make it till midnight if you stay in the middle. And she couldn't do it. She went out the door and the next time I saw her, she was in a hospital program in a wheelchair and she was brain dead. And she just didn't know me. Didn't know Me. She was 31 years old and she died of alcoholism. And that was one of my first lessons in that not everybody makes it, you know? Stones throw from here. Maybe up in one of the rooms, probably out in the bar, there might be one of us that may never know what it feels like to sit in the middle of the room of Alcoholics Anonymous and hear Chapter 5 read in here that there is a solution. You know, we have a common problem and a common solution. And we are the lucky ones by seconds and inches as Norm Alpe used to say. We are the luck ones to sit-in-the-middle of the solution and to have at our fingertips. You don't have to go be chained to a tree back in the days of Matt Talbot when he was an alcoholic and he was a brother and a religious guy, and he would tell them, okay, the craving's coming now. You know, he was growing fangs and hair in his ears. He could feel it coming, and they all knew what he acted like. You known, yeah, they all know what he acted. Like this is pre-alcoholics anonymous by 100 years or so. And they would chain him to a tree because that was his request so he could fight the craving. I think how sincere am I? You know? Oh, it's a little hot. It's a a little humid, you know. We get to just kind of go down the street to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and find a solution. So if they ask you to make the coffee or show up or make a phone call or pick up a newcomer, what a gift, what a blessing it is to be able to do something for this program that does, it's just not about me anymore. I sure wish it was, but it is not. My mother sleeps at night because of Alcoholic Anonymous, and I thank you because of that. They say when an alcoholic takes a drink, ten people are immediately affected, I think it's more. I think its a lot more and its not about me anymore and if you're new and in the room you probably don't get that and that's okay. I like your theme Footwork to Freedom. If you're knew I'll tell you a little tip that was given to me. Put the brain, your mind, put your mind anything that goes on in that squirrel cage up there put it in the trunk of your car for about a year and if we don't have a cars borrow your sponsor's trunk and put it in the trunk for about a year because it's coming up with some pretty good ideas. And if you share them, you know, uh, if you talk about those ideas in your head, we all have a good laugh about them, but you know I think they should write a book about newcomer ideas. I think it'd be really funny. We need a little humor every now and then, but you now what? We've usually thought about them too. So, um, make your feet your friend. come up and look at my toes I take care of my feet, I love my feet I rub them, I pedicure them I have happy feet because my footwork the first year was get to a meeting don't listen to your head your feet will get you to a meet your feet get you past the liquor store your feet gets you to the coffee shop for the meeting after the meeting your head will tell you they don't understand my pain is deeper i really need to be i never drank in paris you know that's my head you know that's what waits for me when i wake up in the morning but thank god we have a daily reprieve and a daily solution thank god thank god that we are the lucky ones by seconds and inches i grew up in iowa and it was my first resentment i will tell you that i'm the little girl at the table in the bread basket of the country talking about Gandhi, you know, who fasted. You know, and they're going, oh, eat, quiet, you know, have some more mashed potatoes, you know. And I'm worried about, you know, passive resistance as a little girl and obsessed with Gandhi and obsessed with the UFOs. I knew they were coming back, and I would sit out in the little soybean field and watch for them and wait for them to come, and I come from a non-alcoholic family. My behavior was just, oh you know Sharon, she's just a little different, And I was real different when I discovered Canadian Club, thank you Canada, and Schlitz beer one night on the hood of a 57 Chevy with the Clark boys. They let me hang out with them. And I had, you know, my trainer bra was on. I was 13 going on 14. And I sat next to Jeanette Andrews with her Angora sweater in the middle of the summer in Iowa. And it's like, why is she tucked into her shorts with her little legs crossed? And you know, she's 38D. That's why she was always wearing a sweater. I got that later, you know. But I thought, what was she wearing a sweatshirt? It's hot, you now. And so I had some more Canadian club and chased it with some schlitz. And you now, my little trainer bra woke up, I'll tell you. It just, I moved Jeanette over and I had a good time. I had blackout. I drove cars. I told jokes. I had big capacity for alcohol. I had a hangover and I didn't know how I got home and in my own bed And I guess I had lot of fun But alcohol was spiritual for me I am a seeker, I will always be a seeper And I was on a spiritual search as a young girl I wanted to be a nun until I discovered boys But then I wanted, you know, I wanted do something I felt like I had calling to make a difference somewhere And I didnít know what to do with all that And when I discovered the spirits of alcohol, they just kind of put that fire out. I just got instant gratification from alcohol. I got filled up from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes and thank God this is a spiritual program. Thank God this is a program where you don't have to graduate and you can keep climbing up the mountain. Thank goodness because I am a seeker. I will always be a seeker I hope I stay teachable and flexible and sitting in the middle of this I hope I'm always a link in the chain being sponsored and sponsoring my job is to worry about my link and me but you know when I'm 14 years old and alcohol is making me feel like I'm omnipotent I'm gonna go find more of that and um you know and I stole it and I watered down my dad's he had a business he had a lot of alcohol I went to the state controlled liquor store and my dad would send me there he was having a party and I would you know add to it and just keep the alcohol I I would follow the boys and see where they hid their beer for the woodsy and steal their beer and invite them to our woodsy. You know, I just was always conniving and making the party happen and continuing it well into the night, well intothe night. I don't know how many times I rolled cars or I was in cars that were rolled and we'd just miss the fence post. Yes, you know, let's do that again. And I just, alcohol allowed me to be brave and courageous and do crazy things and get that adrenaline and the insanity of growing up. I loved it. It was great for me. Now, on the outside, I'm a young citizen of America. I'm one of the 100 picked from all over the country to go to the White House and to the Capitol and to be treated like we were the up-and-coming young citizens of America, and I was the female picked from Iowa and the only reason I tried out for that or wrote the essay and did all of that was because my older sister did and I wanted to beat her and I did it was the one thing in my life I beat my older Sister at so here I am, in the Capitol I'm drunk going through the line with Lucy Bird and Linda Bird and the birds closing one eye and I am trying not to step on my other patent leather shoe with my white gloves. And they told us to keep a diary because we had to come home and talk to, you know, I don't know, the Rotary Club or the 4-H Club or something about our trip. So I kept a diary, and I found that diary about two years ago. I was worried about my drinking. I was afraid of my health. I was also worried about how I was acting. And, you now, I didn't share that with anyone. If I went into that confessional and told Father Gibbs, boy I was in and out and you know I was mumbling it and he was half asleep anyway and so he didn't care you know and if you're in there longer than 30 seconds you're a bad girl anyway so you got to get in and out of confession fast you know and I was looking good and trying to keep the smoke screen going and I couldn't wait to go see the boys from Iowa City and have that slow dance with the v-neck sweaters and the English leather and that you know that Righteous Brothers singing and get close to Tom Blanchard And he's got, oh, God, I can smell the bourbon under that JD's. Oh, I know he's Got Some in his car, you know? And if he didn't have it, I'd go to the next guy and dance real close because I wanted to smell the Bourbon. I wanted To Go Find the Alcohol. I was looking for it. I was on a search. And by the time I graduated from high school, I had been in some trouble. But, you Know, nothing real big. You know, just lied my way out and cried my way Out. But I was already in trouble. And when I went off to college, it was the 60s. It wasn't just say no. It was just say thanks. We took a little bit of extra stuff with our alcohol, you know, whatever it was. Find truth on these? Great. You know, I'll take one four-way hit. I'll Take 16. All right. And I found truth a lot, but it would always melt before I could write it down. You know? There's written on the wall. What was that again? Or I would write it over each other so many times that the paper was black and I couldn't see what I had written. And I had a boyfriend, and we were going to get married. And I have a scholarship to Boulder, Colorado. And I end up at the University of Iowa 20 miles from my home because of this guy. Bad decision, bad decision. But I'm in art school, and I'm trying to fit in, and I're trying to do what everybody's doing. But I just heard the call of the wild all the time. I had fake idea. I was in Joe's place. I was across the footbridge. I was loaded for my art classes. I would put paint on me and lay on the canvas and pass out, and that was my art. That was my heart. And I was slowly beginning to get depressed and not understanding what was going on with my life, and this boyfriend wasn't very nice to me, and I found out he was being tutored by his tutor, and I saw him one night being tutured, and I got a little upset about it. And I followed him home, and I drank. I used this alcohol medicinally to get me to have some courage to walk in there and slug him in the face. And I tried, but I was pretty drunk, and he just kind of sat on me on the floor. And I thought no man's ever going to touch me or treat me like this ever again. I grew up in a home where my dad kissed my mother on the cheek or she'd be doing the dishes and walk by and pat her on the fanny and tell her he loved her and what a great meal and what a great cook she was. That's the kind of house I grew up in. I grew up in a loving, loving home. And now, you know, this guy's put me down on the ground because, well, I guess I was swinging at it. But I thought no man's ever going to touch me like this again. And I broke up. My mother said, aren't you going to cry? And I said, no. He's not going to make me cry. And I drank and I sat there and I got drunk at those feelings until I could stuff him down on my left toe as far down as I could so I wouldn't have to feel it anymore and little did I know someday I'd come to Alcoholics Anonymous and you know get to go through a lot of that you know it's not just about the branch it's about the root you get you know with your life and your defects and and the voices and who told you that where does that come from and why are you reacting to something 20 years ago and you now let's dig out the root and let's get rid of it let's move on because God doesn't want me to live like that anymore. But I was beginning, I was beginning to enjoy being alone and not have anyone near my heart. And the next person to go was my father. The next man that was close to me that I loved very much in my life was my dad. And I remember when I went home and tried to share with him, you know, because they didn't know what was going on with me. I started to dress funny, act funny, hang out with funny people. And, uh, I had had this suicide attempt and my dad and the priest came down to try to talk to me. And the priest and I got really drunk at dinner that night, I remember him. You know, they sent me to a psychiatrist. It was just, I never spoke to anybody because I didn't want them to know about me. So they didn't ask me to come back anymore. You Know, they tried a few things to help me and I just started to think, you know, I told my father everything I was doing, everything that was going on. And I thought, you know, you've got the big shoulders, you can just sit with it. You Now, just go ahead, dad. I'm not hurting anyone but me, leave me alone. And that is the height of being selfish and self-centered. The absolute height of my alcoholism was that I just let everybody watch everything going on and I pushed people away. When they would try to get close to help me, anyone who loved or cared about me, I would say, I'm not hurting anyone, but me leave me along. Leave me alone, go away. And I would stick out my thumb and go. And you know, I came home one night, woke my parents up in the middle of the night and told them I changed my name. And it was to share, S-H-A-R-E, because I share and share alike. And my father looked at what I had drug home I was sharing with. And he set his jaw and he went back to bed. And My mother, you know, she was just happy I hadn't eloped I think. She thought I was waking up to introduce them to a new son-in-law or something. And, you now, but she would just, oh Sharon. And she'd go back to sleep. And I'm like, what? You want to know about me? I'm trying to tell you about me. I'm trying to share with you my life, you know? And I was defiant and angry, and they don't understand. And pretty soon it was time to take a geographic because my father said, You know what? I'm not paying for your party anymore. He caught a little glimpse of me on the evening news disrupting a courtroom. You know, I think my mother said, My dad said, Isn't that Sharon? He wasn't very happy about that. And, you know, my dad and I couldn't sit down and have a discussion about anything. It got way too angry and heated and, you know, and I would walk away and hurt my father and see that look in his eye and part of me would just get so defiant and gleeful that I had hurt him and I'd walk away. And then I would immediately when I would turn, I would not want to do that to my dad because he was my hero. I didn't want to be hurt by him. I didn' t want to say that to my dad, but I just lay, I was so miserable. I didn't even know it. I would lay my anger and defiance out on my father and I wouldn't let him help me. Wouldn't let them help me, so all he did was, you know, he would set his jaw and look the other way when I would walk in the house. We didn't discuss things, and I started doing my chapter three, and i ended up in New York, and that was fun for a while, andI worked in that agency, and you know I slowly, slowly, slowly. Had a lot of anxiety attacks, had to breathe into a paper bag you know it was the summer of the I could drink till 4 or 5 in the morning, I could take 2 hour lunch hour martinis with everyone I could tak as much orange sunshine and crystal meth as I wanted so I could be up so I wouldn't miss truth and I was up way too much and I got a little too much anxiety going and I couldn't breathe anymore going into subways, I couldn't breath when I would go into big buildings I thought I was having a nervous breakdown and I walked Central Park at night alone. I just walked alone. And I saw that movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, and I think about the seconds and inches, just the seconds in inches. You know, she didn't make it out alive in that movie because somebody she drug home with her decided that he was going to kill her and he killed her at the end of this movie. And I thought, all the people that... Just because you played the flute, come on, let's go. Let's go do the I Ching and read some tarot cards and look for truth. And then I would go off to work and to this advertising agency and I didn't sleep for a whole summer. I didn' t sleep, and I could close my door and do my martini lunches and get well and have a hangover and nobody cared, and that ad agency is still in business. I don' t know how, but we were a whole floor of them like that. We were all like that, and I ended up back at college and I couldn' t paint anymore, and I had given up my... I had giving up that piece of God inside of me that could put something on a canvas that could bring a smile to my dad's face we would walk down my hometown of Mount Vernon, Iowa and he would point out the paintings that he would see in the cafe and in the Legion Club that my daughter did that painting but now I couldn't put a piece of life down on a canvas if you would have put a gun to my head it was gone it had run out of my life somewhere and I had paid the price for alcohol and I don't know if the bartender would have said Sharon you know what it's your art talent you've got to put up tonight for you to continue down this road of alcoholism, I would say, who cares about my art talent? Take it. Just give me my drink. Give me my tequila. Go ahead. You know, I want my vodka. I want mine. I want to drink my bourbon. Take my art talents. Somewhere along the line, maybe it was Colorado. I ended up in Colorado. My dignity was gone. And I don't know if the bartender at the Mountain Man Bar near Aspen, Colorado would have asked for it. I would have said, take my dignity. Who cares? Got my art talented. Take my dignity, you got the love of my family. go ahead you got my god i gave up god i had a fight with the priest in cedar rapids iowa and i said never again i mean we're screaming at one another and i said ever again you can leave have your god and and i was gone you know and alcohol asked for pieces of who you are down the road and i gave it i gave i didn't care because alcohol was all that was fueling me now i didn t have a conscious contact i didn d have a great relationship with my family when i called they were worried. When I talked to somebody, they wondered how I was, where I was living, where's my address, who am I with, where am I working? What are you doing? Nobody said come home because it didn't change. I ended up at my first commune in California. It was, oh, they got mad at me because they weren't alcoholic. One night I drank their bong wine because they didn't have any alcohol and, you know, it's like, okay, there's a few in this room. I can hear them, you know. By the way, if you're new and you're sitting in a meeting maybe at work or somebody asks you how you are, don't tell them like parts of your story like this. You know, yeah, I got kicked out of a commune because I drank their bong wine. Because they don't laugh. They just kind of look at you like, okay, who hired that one? You know. In here we laugh at all the right stuff because we're like-minded individuals. But out in the world, you tell some of your stories and that normal people just look at you like, okay who's going to lunch? I still try it. I go to a Gelson's market by where I work and over the fruit people pick out their fruit slowly and they'll say, how are you? And every once in a while I just can't help myself. I've got to tell them. I just got to talk. And they don't care if they're putting bruised peaches in the bag. They're out of there. And then and I'll see them maybe a month later, and they'll remember me. They'll see me and go, oh, and they're gone, you know? So, you now, out there in the work world, I've learned to say I'm fine. Thank you. How are you? And they love to talk about themselves, so it just, I had to learn that lesson, a big one, but I ended up at this commune, and they, you known, I turned 21 out in California, and I panhandled for my wine, and I felt free. I was so free. You know, I went late on the beach in Laguna, under a blanket. I got bit by sand fleas. I was puffed up from head to toe. I was drunk. I'm in the hospital. They won't take me because I don't have an insurance card or, I don' know, money. And I'm yelling at them, telling them they don't care about people's lives. And, you know, they were going to call the police on me. So I left. But I'm free. I am free, you know? And I ended up back in Colorado. You know, I had traveled with Bob Dylan. I thought it was Bob. I mean, you You know, you just don't ask Bob to see his driver's license. You know what I mean? So, I mean, it could have been. Summery was missing. But I ended up back at Colorado and somebody was living in my cabin. I was only gone like three months. Somebody was there and they were wearing my clothes and cooking with my utensils and sleeping on my sheets. And I knocked at the door and I said, excuse me, I used to live here. There's a box of photographs I'd like back. And they said, sure, come on in. He's standing there with my favorite coffee mug and my dashiki on, you know? And I'm thinking, get your stuff back. And I couldn't. The screen door slammed behind me. I said, what is wrong with you? Why can't you go back and get your things, claim your things? And I could not do it. I thought, what was wrong with me? What is wrong? I remember that moment, thinking something was really wrong with me. I was pretty sick now. I did not know it was wrong. And I had pancreatitis and a gallbladder that was not working. I was 21 and dying of the disease of alcoholism. I went back home to Iowa, tail between my legs. My mother said, you can stay here as long as you stay out of your dad's way because you just break his heart. But don't take any drugs in this house. So I drank and my dog got killed that winter. And my dog was in the trunk of my car in a blanket stiff in January. And my mother caught me drunk talking to my only friend. And she thought something's wrong with this girl. Um, and they were a little worried about me. And I went to the family doctor and he put me on Valium therapy and that wasn't good because I never understood anyone face down on the bar going let's party you know I just I want to be up and moving and going I am not one of those that that lays on the floor and thinks I'm having a good time um you know it just never was like that and but this was like really kind of messing me up and uh I couldn't drive and sometimes I couldn't walk and so I quit taking that Valium because I'd rather drink and I'm sitting in that bar and my dad and I can't have, you know, my dad and I, it's over with us. My dad was my hero and it's over. You know, he's a seven-eighths Czech. He's a proud, wonderful man. I played the accordion growing up just so I could, you know, have his eye of these other three children. You know he had four children. The other three did something special and I wanted to do something special too and so I played that accordion because my dad was Czech and he played the accordion. I mean, it's just not cool at all, but I did that for my dad because I would go down on these hay wagons in those small towns that would have these big parades and my dad would just beam when he saw me coming down playing his polkas and all of that. Now my dad and I can't ride in the same car. We can't even ride in the same car to go to grandma's house we cannot sit at the same table at the same time and break bread together because there's so you can cut the pain between us with a knife and so I stayed out of his way as my mother asked and I was pretty I was pretty sick found out I went to somebody said let me take care of you and ended up doing more chapter 3 work I ended up an organic farm with these organic people in northern Wisconsin where it was cold, very cold. And they took away my alcohol and they tookaway my nicotine. They took away all this non-organic stuff and they gave me this organic pot to smoke morning to night, you know? And they always had these like, these cigarette cases full of the rolled pot, you now? And people just smoked it morning to night and it was just like, you kno, I got sick of it. It was like, I am thirsty. I get thirsty and now I'm drinking this little organic wine and they're over there with their banjos and their hootenannies and having a good time and the snow looks heavy and I know I'm going to have to look at these people for two days and we're not going to get out of here and the dog is nervous and the cat's tail is twitching and I'm sick of Pete Seeger and I've taken a hit on that joint like one hit is the whole joint and it's not I am thirsty I am so thirsty, you know, and we'd just ground the wheat berries so we could make the organic bread in the organic stove with the organic wood and just shoveled, you now, a whole barn full of organic sheep dung and it was just like and I would go get my cheap wine and I was, as soon as he put it in my hands, I was better and I'd come home with it and they'd look at me like, oh God, here she goes Because when I drank, the mouth moves to the side, the cowboy boots come out. I tell you what I think and out of my way, especially you and your organic crap. I'm going to kick that banjo and frisbee that Pete Seeger record across the room. And that's exactly what I did. And they all kind of looked at me about 3 in the morning one day, one snowstorm. And they just gave me that look like, you know, it's a look like oh, my God, what are you doing to yourself? but I always read it as judgment, you know? They're judging me, you know, and so I would snarl at them and turn up my music loud. And my head said to me that night, alcohol is more fun than you guys. You're right. Alcohol is more fun then them. And eventually they left me alone in that house with a 50 head of organic sheep, the organic horse, cat, dog, the half acre of organic Maui seed we had planted And that's what I did all summer Was prune that patch And drink my wine And my friend Clarence would come He would come around the corner And I'd hear that tractor And I thought, God, he's bringing wild turkey tonight ClarenCE was coming on his tractor Because his license had been pulled for too many DWIs In the state of Wisconsin So he'd drive his tractor around town To get the booze And he was my only buddy He was my friend And he would bring the boozes And some nights he wouldn't put in his teeth And I don't care We'll just drink and sing and spit. We had a good time, and I harvested that stuff, and winter was coming, and I went to do a big dope deal in the town of Menominee, Wisconsin. It was a college town. I had set this all up via the phone, and me and my dog got in the car, and we went to this apartment where we were going to sell it all, and I forgot it. It was left back on the farm in hefty bags. I had forgotten all of my crop, And so I did what any good alcoholic does. I turned around and there was a carnival and my head said, my good old head, it said, I just wanted to be a gypsy and I joined up that night. I went shot for shot with a bottle of tequila with the owner of the show, Matt Armstrong and me and I was standing at the end. I was very sober. I could drink tequila all the way down to my toes. He said, you're hired. And I packed up some crop and some clothes and my dog. And the next day there I was with my shooting gallery, you know? And they were fast. Those people were fast to get into town fast. They have a good fast time and they get out of town fast and, you Know, and they had all the fast stuff and I had all a layback stuff and we drank all the time, a cooler all the Time. I had my bottle under my joint. My dog was with me. And you know, even my nice dog was starting to get mean now, you Now, snarl at people. And I called my mother. She said, well, how's it going in Wisconsin? I said, well, I'm in Arkansas. I'm with the carnival. I'm with the show now. I am with the show. And my mother started to cry and I thought, oh, mom, come on, you know, you've always been behind me. And I just thought, I can't even call her anymore. You know, why don't you understand? I am just another chapter in my book. Just sit back and watch me. Go ahead. Just sit back and watch me hurt myself. And she said, well, what about all that furniture? What about that, you know, there were 85 acres of land I had bought. There was, the cat had been kicked by the horse. The sheep were out. She had to go back up four hours, four to five hour drive a couple of times to get the stuff out of that house and take care of the horse and the cat. But I'm not hurting anyone but me. Come on, mom, get over it. Selfish self-centered blinders on and let's go alcohol allowed me to not look back not look to my side just it just I was I was a pig and and I broke hearts and I couldn't even stand it so I just had another drink because alcohol let me not care it let me nicht care and um I ended up in Bogalusa, Louisiana busted for drugs and me and my new friend and his pet skunk and my dog we all went to jail the skunk went to one jail the dog went to another one I'm in maximum security lock up and the carnival leaves town and nobody comes back to see how I'm doing or if I need cigarettes or something and here I am how did this happen I'm having DTs I didn't know I was having DTs, and I was crazy and insane. And they would come in at night and take their pick, and they left me alone. Yeah, I was cutting on myself. I didnít know. I just was pretty crazy until I found somebody making their own alcohol in there, and I started to drink. But in that time frame, they said I had a visitor, and they took me to this room. And I was handcuffed, and they threw me in there and there sat my father. and you know my my dad my my younger brother is getting a doctorate my older sister is a mensa um sally my younger sister was two and wanted to grow up and be a nurse and go to alaska well that's what she did you know um then there's me and my dad and i um sat in that room that day with that lawyer and i couldn't look at my dad My dad couldn't Look at Me Nobody Hugged He Didn't Say you know, here's a care package from home. I just felt like I wanted to self-implode. I was in such pain that day. And I asked my father about that day when I was about 20 years sober. And thank God I'd been walked through my amends by sponsors that have vision and have gone through them and see further down the road because I did not go home and open up wounds when I was newly sober and make it about me. And I got to ask my father about that day when we were having a conversation when I Was About 20 Years Sober. You know, it started like, well, Dad, you remember? Of course he remembered. You know? He was there. He was sober. He wrote the check, you know? Of course. Of course, he remembered, you know? And I said, what did I say? I don't really remember much about it. And he said, all you told me all day long was that it wasn't your fault and you weren't guilty. Because I had a list a mile long as to why my life was the way it was. I was becoming a perfect victim. I had an really good list that I could point to and blame. And when I finally got out of jail, I ended up in New Orleans, and that's where the last of my drinking was. And what a great place to drink. I danced on Bourbon Street. This guy was a barker outside of some of the places on Bourbon Street. We had to make all this money and pay a big fine, and, you know, the skunk got out of jail and the dog got out of jail, and we lived up above this biker bar down in Lower St. Peter's Street, and one day my mom and dad knocked at the door, and I had a platinum blonde wig on and my glitter makeup that was done by the drag queens and a new black eye because that's the kind of relationship I was in for two years with the skunk man. And nobody's going to touch me like that again when I was 18 years old. And it was absolutely normal for me to be in that kind of relationship. There wasn't excitement unless there was a knife fight or a black eye or some craziness or some glasses thrown, bottles broken, screaming and yelling and broken legs. And my mom and dad were at the door. And this guy put the snake in my father's face upon meeting him. And I don't remember much about that day either, other than my dad wouldn't come in. He wouldn't go home. He wouldn' t come in and I remember my mother having tears in her eyes and I remembered going down to the mousetrap bar and having my rock glass full of Jose one after the next after the next and nothing put out, nothing made my mind saturate, nothing made me not care alcohol didn't work for me that day and I wanted to go home and just lay down in the back of their station wagon and go back to Iowa everything inside of me wanted to be the little girl again but I knew nothing would change because alcohol had taken away my innocence and I can't tell you what a gift it is especially if you're a new woman or somebody struggling that the innocence comes back. That one of the amazing gifts of working these steps is that the innocence comes back, what a gift because that's, you know, and my parents saw me there in that, they didn't know their daughter anymore, they didn' t know, there was no more calling home at Christmas or remembering birthdays, it was over and I was a prisoner of the disease of alcoholism but I'm free I'm doing what I want leave me alone and eventually that boyfriend left thank goodness I did try to find him and I did find him in St. Louis and it got messy and he spit in my face and said if you ever saw me again he'd kill me as he broke the window of the car and that's when I let go I mean you know I'm one of those loyal Leos man if I'm not done we're not done as you're dragging me on your leg out the door you know, we're not done yet but I've learned not to be loyal to a fault thank you thank you and so 1975 I'm now attending bar on Lower Decatur Street I have been 86 from the Bastille which is hard to do my alcoholic friends don't want to drink with me anymore and it's Mardi Gras day and my friend Michael's got a gun and I'm in and out of a blackout and I tell him to put the gun away and I guess he was taking shots at people off the balcony where I was staying and the police were called and it got messy and my friend Michael got shot and killed. And I was in a blackouts inside the door and my friends were outside the door as I heard the shots and I didn't know if I had anything to do with that for years. And the beauty of being sober and Alcoholics Anonymous and getting to meet people is that these circles close. As long as I stay open and willing these circles get to close and I got to go back to New Orleans and I got to make amends at 1980 at that international convention I got to be an example just with what you had done with me physically was powerful for these drinking alcoholics still in the French Quarter and I got to meet the man that was sober and alcoholic synonymous and had lived downstairs and had heard everything that happened that morning and he told me about it and I got to be relieved of the bondage one more time. One more time. Because I was just a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's all. And just stayed willing to make any sort of amends that needed to be made. And the circles close and the shame goes away and the innocence comes back. And I get to hold my head up with dignity and grace and walk on the sunny side of the street. And i get to um i get to die practically in 1975, and I'm so glad. I'm just so glad that it took everything it took for me because I don't let go easily, and I love my alcohol. It's all I've got, but I am unemployed. I am on my way to Hawaii. I m having DTs in Texas. That man left 50 bucks on the bar in Barney's Beanery, and I never saw him again, and I saw the big book. This girl was going to a meeting. That girl, Chris, the one who had seven sobriety dates didn't get the eighth one. The girl that died in St. John's Hospital, the one I told you about, the beginning of my talk. I didn't relate that she was going to be my Eskimo and Alcoholics Anonymous. I just know she was so drunk in that bar and had this big book. It was the second edition. It Was White on Black. She was so drank, the bartender called her a cab. He didn't want her to drive to A&A because she might get, you know, picked up. So this cab came and she just kind of fell out the door with her big book and we give her a toast. Good for you, Chris. go to ANA, you know? And that was little did I know she was going to be my Eskimo, leave me by the nose at Alcoholics and Arms August 20th, 1975. I had no idea. I had to go to Palm Springs one more time. I had to get on a Harley one more time.I had to try to party hardy one more time . . . I have no gall bladder. I have this pancreatitis that flares up. I am sick. I'm sometimes hiding in the alleys because I can't stand daylight. I am so paranoid they're coming to get me. I am unemployable, I'm over 170 pounds I wear a red dashiki and a Panama hat And I have a book called Be Here Now by Baba Ram Dass in my backpack And I'm free, you know, I're free And I end up that night at the bottom of a ravine At 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning I'd been beaten up I had been beaten by my new friends That I met at the bar The bikers left me, they didn't want to hang with me I ended up somewhere where I just stopped screaming, and that was my surrender. They broke my jaw in three places and my nose and threw me off the side of the road, and I came to on July 27, 1975. I was 25 years old, and I heard a voice that said, Get up, I want to live. I don't know where that came from. An ember of life, the great fact deep down within me, and I got to hear it because I just stopped screaming I didn't care anymore. And that was when I let go. I let go of my life, I let Go of my defiance, I left go of everything And I heard a voice that said get up I want to live I don't know from July 27th To August 20th there's going to be events in my Life that I finally let go Surrendered, gave it up Was tired, I was so tired That the beauty of it was when I was Sitting above a liquor store Staying with someone who felt sorry for me Drinking red wine through the wires on the mouth Where the tooth had been Because I'm an alcoholic Having to go back to court because I was a victim of violent crime. I had, I was amiss and I was tired and he tapped me on the shoulder and he said, you're depressing me, you have to leave. Oh no. So I called my mother. I hadn't called my mom in a while. I hadn' t called my father in months. But my mother had gotten a phone call from someone in that hospital that told her what happened to her daughter. And my mother didn't know what hospital I was in. And so for two days, my sister in New York and my mother in Iowa called hospitals in California until they found me. And my mother didn't sleep for two nights, worrying about her daughter, worrying about is that phone going to ring and is she going to be gone? We're going to have to bring the body home. I'm not hurting anyone but me. Leave me alone. God, I can't even imagine who that person was. You have changed me so much from the inside out. I can't even imagine that this selfish, self-centered person thought that it was just all about me. And that's what the disease, if I pick up a drink tomorrow, that's who I become. My mother sleeps at night, thank you. And I ended up calling that girl Chris, the one in the bar, I don't know that, I didn't relate any of this other than her number was there because she was dating the guy I was staying with. and I think about if that number would have been turned upside down where would I be today if my mother who I called and she says Sharon I can't help you anymore go to the Salvation Army if my mom would have sent $20 you'd have another speaker seconds and inches seconds and inch is that we are the lucky ones sitting in the middle of the music of alcoholics and now it's the solution to our common problem I don't ever want to forget that I am like a survivor from that shipwreck I don' t ever want to forget this shipwrek because every day I wake up with my alcoholism. Every day I get to do prayer and meditation. Every day, I get walk out into the world and be of service. Every day. I get a drinker. I don't even know the people I've hurt. A few years ago, I was sitting with my family and my brother and sister, my younger brother and younger sister were on that trip to New Orleans with my parents and I don' t even remember them being there. My brother said all he could do is keep his fist balled up in his pocket. He was a little boy and he wanted to hurt that man that was hurting his older sister but he couldn't do it it was a little boy I was horrified to even think that I had done that to my little brother and I never even remembered them being there that my younger sister was taken to a girly show by this guy you know I just don't even know I have no idea how many more amends I'll never know that I need to make and if every day I get to wake up with self-awareness compassion and a program and go out in the world and be of service because that's, Chuck C. said it rains on the just and the unjust so go out there and give it it's not my job to judge who gets it my job is to do it to fit myself, to be of maximum service to God and the people about me as it said on page 77 and when I saw that it was like wow, that's truth when did they put that in here? That was a spiritual moment for me So I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous It's July 20th, 1975, and that's where I've been since I've been with you. I came home. I didn't know. I was looking for a home. I didn'T know you were home. I couldn't talk the first three months I was here. I had this wired jaw. I learned to listen. A man named Chuck Nesbitt would walk by and go, You look tired, kid. I thought, How does he know? I don'T know how they knew I was new. I just had no idea. You could smell me. I hadn't bathed in a while. I was detoxed in the rooms. You could spell me. where's the newcomer? I'm smelling that smell. You know, it was really, Marianne, my friend Marianne said, I saw you at Ohio street and I nudged my friend Pat and I said, look, maybe Sharon will make it. She washed her hair. It was like, Ooh, I didn't even remember not bathing. You know? It's been a while, I'm sure. But I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous that night where you treated me like it was a piece of gold. I didn'T understand. I thought, what do you want? I don't say anything. I really have nothing to give. I just remember a man named Maurice Solitao gave me this big book, started talking about terms and I got real confused and I gave him my last quarter. I thought that would keep him quiet. And he seemed happy with that. You know, it was like, and the man at the podium, all I remembered this man saying was waiting for the spaceship to land so you can come home now, Bill. Oh, he's a spaceship guy too, you know? and that was about all I got. And these girls took me to this liquor store, and their sponsor had said, wait for the lights to turn off before you send her upstairs. It was August. It was hot. I was detoxing in the back of a Volkswagen with no windows. That was sincere. Those girls were sincere. I didn't know that's what, I just knew they wanted to talk about themselves incessantly. It just seemed like y'all wanted to talk about yourself. And nobody said, oh my God, what happened to you? Nobody said that. You know, I had this little clipping in my pocket of this ex-employed bartender from New Orleans that, you know, had been beaten up and this thing was going to court and all of that. Nobody asked. That newspaper article disintegrated. Disintegrated. You just seemed happy. I looked like I was tired. Good. She's tired. Maybe she'll make it. And they had said, don't drink and use and we'll pick you up tomorrow. And they picked me up for a noon meeting and then they moved me out and I slept on people's floors for a while and my life started and I had no idea my mother sent me a blender so I could eat and I was going to two meetings a day I was being drug around by people I didn't even know who they were half the time and at 31 days I realized I had 31 days of sobriety I started to raise my hand and for a moment I felt God's grace it was a powerful little feeling just for a minute just for a moment to fan that ember of life in me with some hope. 31 days, I don't wait one hour for a drink of alcohol. I don' t run out. I did that once in Texas. I don''t run out, 31 days without a drink. For a moment, I just felt the kiss of God. It was just an amazing feeling for a minute. I knew I hadn''t done this alone. And I didn''t know if I wanted to be here yet, but I hung in here because I got this sponsor and she was louder than my head and she moved me to a couch you know, I went from a floor to a coach you get a sponsor, life gets better and things got good I remember this she had me do this third step with her and we read out of the book and she's all excited and in love with this thing we had done and she just got her face pushed in my bosom and she is hugging me and I'm like thinking don't touch me But I'm not saying anything because she's just way too excited. I don't know what's going on with this thing we just read with my broken jaw out of the book. I've done a lot of these third steps now as a sponsor, and it's exciting. I love it. They're like, yes, and I'm getting it. I love It. They always know, how do you know? It's like because I used to be there. They forget. But I had this warm feeling all of a sudden come over me, and my first thought, this is my head that said, I am in love with my sponsor, I must be gay and that's the way my mind works so we talked about no major decisions in my first year and we kind of did that for a while it was all good so I got these wires off I had to go to work and I had this commitment and I was a waitress and they'd ask me how I was and I would tell them and they didn't want to sit in my station Even the Culver City Clubhouse stopped sitting in my station after their Friday night meeting when I would work the graveyard shift because it was like, no, we just had a meeting. We want to, you know, no thank you. She's a little depressing when she starts to talk, you Know. And one night at the Saturday night meeting, I was crying and whining with my orange uniform on and my white shoes and that brown apron and going off to work a split shift. I was going back to work at midnight. And, you know, Sally C. was the Queen Al-Anon in our group. And she said, well, how's your job? You know, because how can you tell I'm going there? You know it's orange and white. I just hated it. I just felt like such a, I just felt like just a lower class person for a long time because it was the way I felt about me. I had no worth as a human being for a lot of time. But Sally took me aside and she said well, you know what, maybe if you change your attitude you'd have a better night I was like if she wouldn't have been so Alanani, I might have given her a kick or something but she just was so sweet all the time and she asked me how my tips were and I grumbled and she said why don't you just do one of these and she made this big bright smile and it was like they're going to know I'm faking it this is AA, we're supposed to be honest in all our affairs and she says honey, not out there you just give them hot eggs and hot coffee and shut up you know and and so we worked on one of these for a while you know one of these big helen on teethy smiles and i thought i'm going out there tonight and i'm gonna do that perfect so i can tell her it didn't work and um by the end of the night i had twice the amount of tips that i normally would have had and i though oh these people are kind of smart you know maybe i should listen to them i called my sponsor in the morning I had the headache, and I knew it was going to be, you know, terminal. And I called her at 630 to tell her I wasn't going to work. First of all, don't call your sponsor and whine at 6 30. They haven't had their coffee yet. And she said, okay, you now, if you, you nou, it's fine. But I think you should go to work, because if you die at work, we're going to give you a great send-off. You know, we'll say great things and flowers and good time. But if you die at home in bed, there's no funeral. And she slammed the phone down in my ear. I thought she was so rude. So she made me mad. This sponsor, she pushed me through all of my fear and my thinking with this anger I had to prove you wrong. And I showed up that day, and I was Miss AA. And by the time the day was over, you know, I didn't think about it. When I was being of service, I was okay. When I Was Out There in the World, I Was Okay. I have learned to let my feet do the thinking for me. My feet show up. My head never wants to do anything. When it does, I think, okay, what's wrong with it? You know? I kind of think it's trying to fool me, you know? So, you now, it's just the way it is. It's very entertaining, but I have learned how to think with my feet and think with my heart and just kind of let my head entertain me once in a while. But my life was good. And I went home after my first four-step, and I ended up at home with my mother and father and the man I was going to be engaged to. And he had six more months than me, and my parents liked him, and he was nice to them and nice to me. We all like that. And they overlooked his 27 1⁄2 tattoos, and we had a good time, and I made amends to my mother, and then it was time to talk to my dad because that sponsor said, you're going to start with your father. You're going make those amends. are going to start, and you talk to him. And we're putting my bags in the car, and I'm thinking, I can't do this. But she'll kill me if I get home. She was louder than my head. I'm so glad. Every response I've had has been louder than my head, and they intimidate me just enough. Thank goodness. Because part of me wants to please them, especially when I'm one year sober. I don't want her to say, you got to get back on that plane and go home now and go do it. And I knew she would. So I said to my dad, I had to talk to her. And, you know, we just leaned on the car. It wasn't any big deal. We didn't sit down and look each other face to face. We still didn't look in the eyes. We hadn't done that yet. And we leaned onthe car, and I told him what I had to tell him. And he said, You just wanted me to be happy. And we put the bags in the car, I came back to L.A., and she said, That's good. It was a start. That's gut. It wasa start. When I was 2 1⁄2 years sober, my father walked me down the aisle out here at an AA wedding. and somebody snapped a picture and I found it a couple of years ago. It wasn't the photographer, the wedding photographer. It was a picture that somebody had just given me a stack that they had taken that day. And I was going through some old boxes and there was this picture. I have my head on my hand, my chin on my arm, my hand on my shoulder, my chin, my hand. I've got my wedding veil on and my father is right there and we're looking eyeball to eyeball at each other. And it was natural and beautiful And I remember what he said to me that day He said, Sharon, he had gone to an AA meeting Bought the big book, liked all of you We had a good time at the wedding He said If you think about doing what you're doing before Think twice You've got it made here And instead of making that moment about me I said, yeah, you're right, Dad I kept it real simple Real sweet And I remembered that moment I found that picture So important for me to see that picture me and the dad we had a lot of amends to make to my father I had to go home and shut up and listen I hadto go homeand help him weed his garden or go to the hardware store with him I hadtogethomeandbeagooddaughter beakindandlovingdaughter and I had a lotof trips home I had this little baby boy in 1984 and there's a couple people in the room that were there sticking their head in that day and I didn't think I could have a child and I had this beautiful baby boy and I got to send that child home to know his grandfather and his grandmother since he was just a little tyke. He went home, went on planes and flew and got to know of his heritage. Got to know His heritage. Got to give Him some tradition and I was paying my father back the money I owed him which was very important, I got a second sponsor and she said it's time, you're making better money now, you've got a better job, you send your dad some money you call him up and see if you can pay him back and I called my dad up I thought he'd have to kind of work it out but he was ready for me, he had run the calculator tape, he'd read the big book he had circled it in red and told my mother look if I'm not home and if Sharon stays sober long enough she'll get to this part of the book here it is you know I tried not to have a new resentment and I called my dad back in two days he accepted my payment terms and I told my sponsor she said you know what then you do not be late you are the only example your father may ever see of Alcoholics Anonymous be a good one I mean my family talked about Sharon's an AA you know for years for years and five years later my dad would be walking down the street telling people about his daughter and where she'd been or what she was doing or how she was and that she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and he was proud you know, he was pride but I called my dad back, he accepted my terms and my sponsor said great, let's get going, you may be the only example so don't be late with that check and by the way you're willing to grow through this and you know how those sponsors are They wait for you to get into a corner, backed into a corner. You have nowhere to go. What are you supposed to say? No? I mean, you've got to say yes to get your way out of the corner. What do you want? And she wanted more for me than I wanted for myself. She said, I want you to put a note with that check to your father about your life. And I said, he's got all these other professional children he can talk with. I mean I went home once. I had this cathartic crying experience in the van at my sister's wedding rehearsal dinner because they're all bonding but me. and I'm like having this cathartic crying and all of a sudden they all turn around and look at me and you know I'm back into the old middle child fists up I'm going to prove myself nobody loves me everybody hates me might as well go eat worms you know and I am like seven years sober and they are all looking at me and instead of going oh you guys don't understand I said I just have a little anxiety I got off the plane I haven't eaten can I have some air you know a little white lie but it got me out and I stood at the cornfields and I looked at those cornfield I said, God, please take this away. I'm not that person anymore, and God did. So I sent my dad this note about my life because my sponsor said she didn't care how I felt about it, and I sent that with my check to my dad for four and three-quarter years on time because I am the only example my dad knows of Alcoholics Anonymous. And between Christmas and New Year's, my father picked up the phone, dialed the phone himself. He said, Merry Christmas, Sharon. I don't want your money anymore, but don't stop sending me your notes. And I got to walk into a guilt-free, beautiful relationship. Healed, innocent, daddy's little girl again. I never thought that would happen, but that sponsor had that vision. She believed in the program of the amends and the power of the program of alcoholics, so she knew it could happen, and I knew it couldn't. but I just followed her direction because she was louder than my head and intimidated me a bit you know what my dad was killed five years ago and it was tough I got the phone call and I said to the girl I was sponsoring who happened to be standing there at my job when I got that call I said oh my god I didn't get to say goodbye and she said Sharon I know your story you had an awful lot of hellos thank God if you're sitting on any amends go for it go for it. Talk to your sponsor and go for it. Don't wait. I am so glad that I got free with my dad because he's right here. And I got off the plane and Alcoholics Anonymous was already there. The coffee was on. They were already in the house. There were flowers there and they were taking care of my mother. Thank you. I still go home and Alcoholic Anonymous is still at my mother's house. My brother's wife said to me a couple of years ago. You know, those AA people are still coming around, you know? One of them even moved in the basement, you now? And my little son stood up at my dad's wake and he says terrific things about my father because he got to know him because you had me send him on a plane every summer to go visit his grandparents. And I got to stand up there and play my father's Haligankan accordion from Czechoslovakia and play him a tune I am so grateful that you've had you've held me in the palm of your hand through all of my pain because it was not about me it was about being there for my mother it was being an example of walking through the biggest thing I ever had to walk through sober by this time I had been married a long time had gone through a really messy nasty divorce where he wanted the newcomer in the room and my sponsor smoked pot and I ended up at Clancy's door with my baby in a stroller going I don't like you and you don't like me but I need help and um he said come in sit down and he's been my sponsor now for 19 years and he is louder than my head if I need any sort of straightening out I get it you know and but he was there for me you know because when I called him he was out of town, and then I called him from Iowa, and I said, oh my God, my dad's awake, and they don't understand, and he knew the pain I was in. And I'm trying to play this accordion thing, and I know I'm going to screw it up, and now it's about me. It's my father's wake, and it's all about me." And my sponsor listened for a while, and said, Sharon, there won't be a dry eye in the house. You'll do a beautiful job. I know you. You will do a great job for your dad. But I want you to look around that room at the ones really sobbing, because those will be the musicians. Took me out of me, took me right out of me. And you know when I went through that messy divorce my dad and mom drove out a car because my car died. My dad and mom got the banker's second car that had 7,000 miles on it and drove it out to me. Helped me change beds and paint the house and I didn't ask them to do a thing like that. They were there for me i um i didn't like this new wife you know um she was nice to my son and my son liked her a lot and they had a baby boy and you know we started to do things together and i realized she was okay and then i started to like her and then you know she gave me a cake last monday night for the women's meeting and she's my best friend today it's probably because they've been divorced about 12 years so it's but my sponsor one night told me I will walk through that divorce with dignity and grace so I can be an example to others and I wanted revenge and I had to shut up sit down and listen do my inventory give up the spare keys to the car I was going to drive his car into the well just to the beach you know when the tide was low and I to start telling on myself and I was shoplifting at the Broadway going come on catch me I'm in pain you know and and my sponsor said okay go make amends and stop that i mean you know and if you get caught you're going to sit in jail well thanks you know so i had to give up a lot of my victim i had put that black coat back in the corner of the closet again it was heavy and scratchy and it didn't work with my life anymore and um so that's what i did i walked through that year with a pain and what happened was when he left her for somebody else she told me that she knew she could do it because she had watched me. It's not my job. Who gets it? I'm just supposed to show up and be the example of Alcoholics Anonymous. My life is good today. I was rocketed in the fourth dimension and never looked back. I've been with a man named Casey for 17 years, and we have a great relationship based on passion, the passion for the gratitude of sitting in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous, And you can't have a bad relationship when it's based on gratitude. And he's been there for my son. You've been there from my son growing up. I have a great 20-year-old. That's hard to say sometimes, but I have a really terrific 20- year-old He's the one that used to sing Keep Coming Back at the end of every happy birthday. He's the one when he would play Cowboy and Indians, he'd get convention badges and put them on his little suit because those were his badges. You know, and he lights up my life. He's a great kid. And I remember Casey picked him up at the school and the boys said to him, he said, you know, is that your dad? We've never met your dad. Is that your Dad? And Casey City overheard Wesley say, no, that's my friend. And I let them have their own relationship. I tried to get out of the way and I did and they have a good relationship today. and I want to let you know that I was up here a couple of years ago speaking and at the end of the meeting this girl came up to me and I talked about my dad who had 12-stepped the town drunk and the town drink was complaining about his wife and he said, my dad said to this man, you know what, you've got to go to AA it's not your wife's fault, you're an alcoholic and for some reason I mentioned that and this girl come up to me and said oh my god, what was that man's name and I told her and she said that's my uncle he's still sober. And this was three years after my father had been in the ground. And she said, I went home to Iowa and that uncle 12-stepped me and I have two years. So I got to see, for a moment, for one moment, I got to see God's grace in the ripples in the pond of where they went. It's not about me. My job is to suit up and show up, love my toes, not listen to my head, try to be of service, know that freedom's not just another word for nothing left to lose. Freedom is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Freedom is a full heart. Freedom is the life of compassion, sitting in the middle of the room, worrying about my link in the chain hooking up to you. And if you need a log off my fire, you take it tonight. You light up your life. If you're bored, you're boring. There's a lot to do here. A lot to doing here. So I want to see everybody's pedicured toes and happy feet because my feet have gotten, walked me into an amazing life with a God that loves me more than I could love myself. Let's have a great weekend. Thanks for having me. Thank you. We hope you've enjoyed this recording. 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