The Action-Based Recovery That Does Not Rely on Motives – Karen G.

Hi everybody, I'm Karen Garrison and I'm an alcoholic. And it's truly through the grace of God and the power of Alcoholics Anonymous that I've been sober since May 30th, 1982. And that does not make me a miracle, it makes AlcoholicsAnonymous a miracle. If you're new here tonight, I want to welcome you to AA. I always call it God's Magnificent AA, the program that saved my life and it's going to save yours too. if you wanted to take a few quick actions. And I suggest staunchly to sponsor tonight that you get that book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and you get busy as everybody else is doing around here and you're going to stay sober because I've stayed sober for 22 years and people like me cannot stay sober, I can guarantee you. My home group is the Pacific Group in West L.A., a group I'm very, very proud to be a member of just as I'm sure you're proud to be members of yours and I guess if you're not proud you ought to get a job and you might change your mind. I certainly have a job in mind and I'm proud to have that job. I want to thank Joy and Darren and the committee for inviting me to come out. This is an honor and a privilege. It's one that I do not take lightly, I'll guarantee you. You guys, I love Alkaline Sonoma, so I really do. And I think that it shows. And I make an awful lot of mistakes. I do an awful ton of things wrong. But I'll tell you one thing, that I love you. Make no mistake about that. You know, I've been taught to do an awesome lot of things before I ever opened my big mouth. And let me just talk to my sponsor. And Clancy's speaking tomorrow night. And, you know,I love my sponsor, let me tell you guys. And I'm of the opinion that we all should love our sponsors as much as I love mine. But, you know, I've been taught to check in before I give an AA talk, and I've done that. And then I think I did without a doubt the most important thing I can ever do, and that's to say, God, please help me say what you want me to say to these people. God is very much a part of my life tonight, you guys. If it not used to be that way for me, I can guarantee you. If anybody's wondering how come I have a man for a sponsor and why I have Clancy for a sponsor, it's really quite simple. I did not get sober in California. I got sober in a place called Lincoln, Nebraska, and was not doing well in alcoholics almost in Lincoln, Alaska. I went through 19 sponsors at a rapid clip. And I'm sure you're not proud of this. I stand here tonight and thank God for the old-timers in AA because somebody loved me enough to get my current sponsor. And I have to tell you that my life has done nothing but totally complete turnarounds as a result of that. And I obviously adore the ground that man walks on. But anyway, you know, I'm just really, really glad to be here tonight. And I am also glad you don't have a glass plumber. You can see your speaker had this terrible experience on the East Coast. I was out there giving a talk, and one of my talk, my skirt fell off in front of 3,000 people. I had this black suit on with this wraparound skirt, and the button came down. I thought, my God, my skirt's going to fall on the floor, and it was too late. It was on the door. But you guys, you know what? Al-Qaida taught me to wear underwear, and thank God I had some on. He also taught me how to take action. I just picked up that skirt and kept right on talking. What else are you going to do? Anyway. You guys, this has been without a doubt the best year, year and a half of my sobriety, and I want to share that with you. You know, if you would have asked me New Year's Eve, a year ago on New Yearís Eve, are your amends made now for lexonomists? I always said yes, and that would have been the absolute truth for me. I'm $86,000 out of debt in this program. I owe no money to anybody, no verbal amends. All I've got to do is keep my sponsor, have a God in my life, go to the meetings, continue working the steps to be of service here, work with others, and I'm going to be fine it looks like. And, you know, our book says that more will be revealed, but I flew here a year go on New Years Eve to give a talk at your Kansas City New Year ìZî party, And air traffic controlled Hellas for whatever reason, so we were circling the city. And I looked out the airplane window and I spied the Hyatt Regency Hotel. I thought, oh, my God, there's the Hyett Regency. And I remember something I'd done about 35 years ago. You know, I read my inventory to my sponsor. I did not mention this for whatever reasons. I'd been so much of this sort of thing it was no big deal, I guess. But I really quite frankly forgot about it, and now I remembered it. And so you're supposed to tell your sponsor. So I couldn't get a hold of him, and I know what he would have told me. Get over there and make amends for it. He probably gave the place a bad name. But many, many years ago, I found myself on Easter morning in that hotel glass elevator stark naked, you know, and landed on the first floor of the hotel. And the door opened up, and there was this family standing in their Easter clothes. I cannot never forget the look on their face as long as I live. And I thought, well, you Know, I'm only going to be here for 24 hours. I'll try to get over there and get that done. And that committee kept me really busy. I did not have time to get that down. And so I went back to the airport on New Year's Day to fly back to Los Angeles. And my flight was canceled. And I thought, great, I can take a shuttle, go back to the Hyatt Regency and try to find somebody to talk to. And I doubt if I can even find anybody on New Year's Day to talk to him. Boy, I was wrong about that, let me tell you. I sat down with the manager of the Hyett Regency Hotel. And I told him what I had done. And he laughed. He said, Karen, stop. I have to tell you a funny story. He said many, many years ago, my father was manager of a hotel at that time. And we were having an Easter brunch. And we're by the glass elevator. And the door opened up and a naked woman got off. And I, he said, I was only seven years old and never seen a naked woman before. And I said, well, I'm sorry I had to be your first one, but thank you for everything you did. He said, and guess what? Mom and Dad are here this weekend. I thought, oh, wonderful. You know, they're celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary, and let's have them come down and meet you. And I thought let's not, you know, but we don't say that. We just go along with it. I said whatever you want to do will be fine. And so Mom and Dad came down, and I thought, my God, they're probably 100 years old on walkers. They'll probably have a heart attack when they find out who I am. And boy, I was one more time wrong about that. I said, I'm the loveliest people I've ever met before in my life. And they laughed. They said, Karen, we laughed at you for years in the bars at this hotel. And I thought... Yeah, I bet you did too. But anyway, as I stand here tonight, my amends are made now, collect synonymous. But I'll tell you what, folks, it's not midnight yet. You never know what's going to happen around here. But anyway... A year ago in May, I were over in Lawson, Nevada, speaking of the Tri-State Roundup over there. And if you guys haven't experienced that round-up, it is a fabulous event. They get about 6,000, 7,000 people at this thing. And we were hanging around the casino on Thursday night, went for the meeting to start, and I hit a $10,000 slot is what happened. And I was experiencing every promise in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous in five seconds flat. I was to know a new freedom and a new happiness, and fear of financial insecurity left me temporarily. If you're near here tonight, that is not how you get the promises in AlcoholicsAnonymous. But I swear to God, I got them all. It was really kind of a great experience. Don Laughlin owns that hotel over there. So, you know, when you hit something like that, you're going to get management's attention real quick. They want their money back is what they want. But anyway, he came down and he said, can we extend your stay? And I said, no, a check will be fine. I'm taking it back to Los Angeles. And he said、What are you doing this weekend? And I says、Well, actually, I'm speaking at the roundup here. And he says、Oh, can I come hear you speak? And I say、Why would you want to do that? And he sais、「Oh, I love to hear the AAs because they're so funny. And I thought、It's your hotel, whatever you want it to do, I guess. And he was in line at the very next line. And he goes、You guys, this is so funny». He says、They never give up, folks. He said, are you sure we can't extend your stay? And I said, no, I'm going home on Sunday. But anyway, so it's been a great year and a half of my sobriety. And one of the promises in the big book is that we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. And I need to work harder on that one, let me tell you. But I was home in Nebraska about six weeks ago. I have to tell you guys a funny story. And I told my son, I want to take flowers out to Grandma Warner's grave. And I asked my ex-mother-in-law had died during the year, and I didn't get back for her funeral. And I says, where is Grandma Lynn buried? And he told me, he said, just mark off 15 rows from Grandmother Warner's grave, and you'll run right into Grandma Lynn's grave. And I said, okay. So I went out there, and I didn't see that open grave, you guys. I didn'T see any open grave. And I put my mother's flowers down. And, you know, in Nebraska, when they open a grave for a funeral the next day, they put a caution sign up. There's a tarp over it. You know, there's a place to hold the casket. You can't fall on the grave. It's impossible. But anyway, I put My Mother's Flowers down, and then I counted off 15 rose to my ex-mother-in-law's grave and I didn't see that open grave sitting there and I put the flowers down and I kind of backed up it was kind of overcast in Nebraska that day and I backed up and I found myself in an eight foot grave folks and I thought my god what the hell am I going to do how am I gonna get out of here there was nobody at that graveyard I was the only car out there and what really scared me is I left the keys in the car I had five hundred dollars and I left my purse in the card I was just going to be there for a few seconds and stuff but anyway then I had to speak in an AA meeting in about 20 minutes in Lincoln, Nebraska And I thought, you know, when I make a commitment, I will be there. I've been taught to be like that. And I though, I'm not going to get out of here. I was standing in my dress with mud all over it. And I started screaming, help, what else are you going to do? So pretty soon this old lady walked over the grave. I'm no old, but she was, right? Anyway, she walked over to the grave and she said, I don't think you're supposed to be in there. And I said, do you have a cell phone on you? And she says, no, I don' t. And I say, well, you go up to the office and tell them I'm in this grave. I need to get out of here, you know, call the fire department or whatever. And I said, but tell them it's not an emergency. I'm not hurt or anything. And so here they come, you guys, three Lincoln fire department trucks with their sirens blaring and three Lincoln police cars, and then the reporters were with them, you now. In Nebraska when there's a fire, they have to – reporters have to report that for the Lincoln Star. So I told the reporters, I said do not put that in the paper. Please do not putting that in paper. They said we won't put your name. I said see that you don't. Well, Monday in the paper it said, California woman who falls in an eight-foot grave, Karen Garrison from Venice, California. I finally got it. And you know what? I made my commitment. I want you to know I made that meeting in plenty of time, mud and all, but by God, I was there. So anyway, I'm still baffled by those promises sometimes, let me tell you. But anyway, like I said earlier, my sobriety date is May 30th, 1982. It was not always my sobrietty date. When I got my current sponsor, I had to change that date, and there's a reason for that. I'm one of these people who had to go out and smoke dope when I got sober. And, you know, if you're smoking marijuana in this room, now, you're not sober now. Clark Thomas, I will tell you right this minute. And I don't want to argue about it afterwards. Ask any old-timers if you don't believe me. And if I have to change my date, then by God, so do you. But anyway, I got my current sponsor, and I tried to explain to him where I'm from in Lincoln. You can have two sobriety dates, one from alcohol and one from drugs. He rather quickly pointed out to me that I was in Southern California. We have one day here to get my day changed. And I was such a smart aleck when I Got My Current Sponsor. And I said, where does the book mention pot? He said, well, the book does mention pot. And I say, Clancy, I have read that book. He says, I talk about marijuana in that book, and he said, if I find the word pot in that book, you change it so I never argue with me again, and I knew I was making a bad deal, you guys, but I did it anyway. And I'll be damned if he didn't flip open the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and on the first page of Bill Wilson's story it says, died by musket or by pot. I said that is not what that means. He said quite frankly, my dear, I don't care what it means. You said the book didn't mention pot, It does mention pot changes sobriety date, and my life has flourished, I've got to tell you guys. But, you know, I grew up in Lincoln, Nebraska. I come from a wonderful, wonderful home there in Lincoln. And I want you to know that my mother wanted you to do it too, I'll guarantee you that. You know, my mom died about 13 years ago, and God, I miss her so much, you guys, I can't begin to tell yet. Boy, you only get one people, and when they're gone, they're done, let me tell you. I made amends to her many, many years ago. We had a wonderful relationship the last few years of our life and stuff, but I just miss her terribly. And I come from an alcoholic home, and I don't think that's neither here nor there. I don' t do well with people who stand at AA podiums and blame anybody for anything. And my father died from this disease on the streets of Chicago in 1979. And you tell me how a major in the Air Force dies on Skid Row. I don''t know how that happened other than the fact that he was an alcoholic. And whether he was found to be AA or not, I do not know. I just know that he certainly did not stay sober as a result of it. So one more time tonight, this is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that kills people. This is not a game I am playing up here. This is serious business. And I would give any in the world if my father were alive tonight because we would have a lot to talk about, I can tell you. I have a sister who was Miss Rah-Rah in high school and homecoming queen and cheerleader and all that kind of stuff and made straight A's and never cracked a book, and I made straight F's and Never Cracked a Book, and that was the difference. My sister was a beautiful little girl. She's a gorgeous woman today. She looks nothing like I do, I've got to tell you, and she was a model for many, many years for Neiman Marcus in Dallas, and now she's retired and teaches school in the West Indies. And I've Got to Tell You Guys is a direct result of this program. I love my sister very, very much tonight and I found out something about her she's also very beautiful on the inside too and I never used to know that I have a brother who was a fighter pilot in the Navy for many, many years and my brother retired three years ago in August and during 9-11 and so forth he's been called back into service you know, my brother is really old to be a fighter pilot, you guys, he's 51 years old we were growing up, I thought he was such a dork I can't begin to tell you straight as an arrow mic, doesn't drink, doesn'T use drugs doesn'T screw around he was an embarrassment to me if you want to know the truth And tonight I'm so proud of that, man, I cannot begin to tell you. You wouldn't catch me over Iraq in any fight or plane, but neither one of these people are alcoholic. And I have another sister who's married the public defender in Lincoln, Nebraska, who got me out of a whole bunch of trouble when I got sober. And I'm welcome in their homes they and I used to be. I come from basically a very boring family, if you know the truth. They're high-accessible people, and they bore me to tears. I love them, but they bore my to tears and I have a couple kids who are 43 and 44 years old and I know I certainly don't look old enough to have kids that age, by God, I sure do. And this is where it really started getting interesting for me. These kids are anything but boring, I've got to tell you guys. As a matter of fact, they're a couple of jerks if you want to know the truth. But you know what? Those couple of jerks have given me five of the most gorgeous grandbabies you have ever seen before in your life. And you know, I hate to be a bragging grandmother as I stand here tonight. I detest people that do this. But when I do, it's a whole different ballgame, let me tell you. I have a beautiful grandson. His name is Ryan. And apparently little Ryan is quite a gymnast, you guys。 I knew he was good. I know he was that good. And my son and his wife got a phone call from Budweiser of St. Louis, Missouri, wanting to sponsor this kid and train him for the Olympics, you guys. And, and my son called me. And this is kind of alcoholic I am. I jumped from phone call to Olympic Stadium, gold medal around his neck, and what will I wear? You know, it happened just that quick. But I found myself telling my son, Jeff, you have to do what you think is right. This is your kid, not mine. He said, Mom, he has so little to be going away. And I wanted to shriek at him and say, let him go, you idiot. It's the opportunity of a lifetime, but I kept my mouth shut. Once while A has taught me to keep my mouth shut and it really turned out well this time. And he said, Mom, we don't know what to do. What would you do, Mom? Now I'm on, let me tell you guys. And I said, well, Jeff, I don't think anybody knows what they would do for sure unless it happens to them. But I said we have a dear friend, Lincoln, who's a child psychologist, and I said why don't you have Chris come over and talk to Brian and see what he thinks. And my son did exactly that. And yet that child psychologist told my son and his wife, let him go. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. He's a very stable young man, so I'm happy to report here tonight that my little grandbaby is down in Norman, Oklahoma, trained at Nadia Comaneci and Bart Connors Clinic down there, and you guys, I have no idea what's going to happen with it. I have not idea. But the next Summer Olympics, I'll guarantee you one thing, if that baby goes to his grandma, I will be in that stadium. If I have to walk there, I would be there. You know, in our book, I collect psalms, it says that great events will come to pass for us and countless others, and I want to share a very good event in my life with you. It won't be in your lives, but most certainly in mine. You know, you guys, when I got sober, my family wanted nothing to do with me. Now the crap they were going to take off me years before I quit drinking had to walk me from their own sanity, you know, the truth. And so in that gift, my family is icing on the cake, let me tell you guys. But, you know, through sponsorship and making amends to do the things we do around here, it's all turned around for me now. But it took a long time for it to happen. In my case, that's a good thing. But anyway, on my 20th day birthday, two years ago in May, I got a phone call about 1030 at night, and it was Ryan's very first day down in Norman, Oklahoma. And he said, oh, grandmother, I'm so sorry to call you so late. And I said, it is never too late to call your grandmother. Don't you ever think that? And he said. Oh, grandma, I wanted to wish you happy 20th day birthday. And you guys, I just stood there and cried like a baby. And He said, Oh, Grandma, to make you cry. And I said. You didn't make me cry. I'm crying because I'm so happy that you called me. And You said, oh, grandma. We're so proud of you. And I thought, oh stop, you know. But anyway, the same thing happened on I'm Aversi number 21, Avers number 22. And I will tell you guys, I wouldn't trade that phone call for that $10,000. Well, that's not quite true, but you know what I'm talking about. But anyway, you know, I love my family. I'm so grateful my family is back in my life. And, you Know, if you're new here tonight and you're having family problems, I want to share something with you. You know, when I got Clancy for a sponsor, things were really, really bad with my family, and my sponsor encouraged me. I don't care what they're doing. I care about what you're doing, I want you to call. I want she to ride. I want her to be a good daughter, be a sister, whatever, just keep doing it. Just keep taking the actions. You don't know what's going to happen around here. It took a long time for it to happen, but I'm so grateful I have a sponsor that made me take actions I did not want to take because I didn't know what was going to happened. My sponsor also taught me early on other doors will open for you. That family may never come back. Other doors will reopen for you and I had to report it and other doors opened for me long before my family came back So, but anyway, things are good tonight. But anyway, you know, I was a disruptive jerk when I was growing up, always in trouble. I used to get out of classrooms. I hated discipline. I was very, very rebellious. I really hated people telling me what to do. And I like it even less today, if you want to know the truth. And, you Know, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. And I hear that a lot from AA podiums and I'm right on with that 125%, I got to tell you. You know, i really don't remember my first drink, you guys, but i can tell you that i hope to god i never forget my last one. And i hope it was my last ones. Remember the alcohol just meets the very beginning. It made me feel like I belonged, and I could be anything I wanted to be. I could do anything I want to do. I drank at any given opportunity after that. Excuse me. Excuse me, and I was probably about 13 years old. Here, here. Thank you. God, sorry. You know, I realize that I'm going to meet about Clarkson on this night, and I honored this podium by talking about alcoholism up here. I used a lot of drugs, too. I make that a small part of my story. My sponsor encourages me to do that. And you know, when I was growing up in Lincoln, there just wasn't a lot a lot drugs on the street. But I'll guarantee you I found every single one of those drugs and there was some marijuana and speed and stuff. And today if you cough for possession of marijuana, you get a ticket, big deal. When I was grown up, you went to prison is what happened to you. I have a frog in my throat. And that didn't scare me absolutely. Nothing scared me. I didn't think I wasn't supposed to be doing them. I'm one of these alcoholic females, and I hate to say this from an AA podium, but it's precisely the way that it was for me, and we're supposed to tell the truth up here, that if you pat me on the head and my pants fall off is what happens to me. I got myself into a lot of trouble when I was growing up. I absolutely love men. I love everything about them. You name it about them, I love it about him. They've been the downfall of my entire existence, and they remain the same today, I'm sorry to say. and I particularly like sick men and there's a room full in here tonight I can just feel it one thing I love girls about where I live in Southern California it's got so many sick men and I'm just entertained around the clock 24 hours a day you know you guys I'm 60 years old and I have a boyfriend you better believe I have an ex-boyfriend he lives in New York and I live with my wife and I don't live in LA that's where we get along so well things haven't changed a whole lot for me in that arena but I have to tell you guys a funny story I was in Nashville, Tennessee about maybe 13 years ago giving a talk and one of the fine ladies of Nashville, Tennessee walked up to me afterwards, I want you to know and this woman said to me, she said you're disgusting, and she wasn't kidding you guys she meant every word of it, and I said lady from where I come from being disgusting is a step up, I can assure you furthermore, if I wanted you to sponsor me I'd flung to Nashville and asked you you know, I hear some women get this podium and I wonder if they ever drank, you guys I really do, all their drinking rooms she would trim through the keyhole with an eyedropper I was out there big time I got myself into a lot of trouble I've been taught to share that feeling now and if I offend anybody in this room tonight I would never offend anybody in the program that saved my life besides that, my book tells me and this is my favorite part of our book it says, cling to the thought that in God's hands your dark past will be the greatest possession that you have and it goes on to say because you can literally avert death and misery for others and I found this to be very, very true in my sobriety so if I offend anybody who I don't want to hear about afterwards but anyway, I got pregnant when I was 16 years old and I had to get married. My day girls, you had to get married. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about that. It's just what we did and stuff. And, you know, as it must be, I married an alcoholic. He was 17. I was 15. I couldn't cook. I couldn't clean. I could not take care of a baby nor did I want to take careof a baby. And before we knew it, we had two babies to takecare of. And I quickly found out what caused all that and I put a halt to it, I'll guarantee you that. And that caused me a lot of trouble throughout the years. And as it most be,I married an individual that refused to work, that drank on a daily basis. He's come home and beat me up on a daily basis. And I had never seen a man who had won before in my life, you guys. I'll guarantee you one thing. If my dad would lay one hand on my mom's sheet and knock him from here to the moon, I've got to tell you. And I grew to hate this guy very, very much. I'm not blaming him for my disease, so please don't get me wrong. It's just part of my story and I need to share it. And some in that family had to get a job. I didn't finish junior high yet, for Christ's sakes. And I found myself thinking to myself, you know, I would love to go to school and I'd love to become a registered nurse. That's what I would love to do. You know, they say that alcoholics don't have willpower. And I'm here to tell you tonight from this podium that that is a bunch of garbage. I have more willpower than 20 elephants. I don't even have one ounce of willpower when it comes to my disease. But when I want to do something, I'm going to do it. And when I went back, I finished junior high, I finished high school, I went to college full-time for three years, and I worked full-etime for three ears. And now I'm talking about 18, 20 hours a day, you guys, and that is hard stuff to do? I did not drink, not use any drugs during this period of time. At the age of 27 years old, I became a registered nurse. And if you think I'm proud to stand here tonight and tell you that I got jerked in front of the State Board of Nursing in Nebraska, and they told me, you are a disgrace to your profession. You're a disgrace for nursing. You are a distress to medicine. You no longer work because we just jerked your nursing license. If you think I am proud of that, you were sadly wrong. You guys, I love my profession, and I really, really mean that. And I would never do anything to jeopardize the people that I take care of nor the people I work with under ordinary circumstances. And what I have to tell you now is a story about how I threw it right down the toilet so I could drink. And that is total insanity. It's also called alcoholism. At the age of 27 years old, I divorced this man. And girls, I've got to tell you that a whole new world opened up to me and it's called men and alcohol. And I went absolutely hog wild is what I did. I was engaged eight times during that divorce. I never married these people. Two of them died from alcoholism I know nothing about social drinking. I drank with alcoholics and we do indeed die from this. At the edge of 27 years old I went to work in surgery at a hospital there in Lincoln and I had that job for 19 years. I love working in the operating room. I love taking care of those patients. It's a colorful exciting nursing position. I drank with medical people mostly. They were colorful, intense people. They worked hard and they played hard. And I need to tell you guys that the instance of alcoholism amongst my profession is tremendously high. They'll do a lot for you to kill if you're going to have surgery next week. That has to be very, very true. And those people are so grateful that I'm sober that they can't see straight. And I'm talking about alcoholics is what I'm telling you about. You know, in our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says that we're going tell Jim away what our drinking was like. And you'll get the general idea real quick of what my drinking was like. You know, many, many years ago I was at a little concert in upstate New York called Woodstock. And I'm not talking about that piece of crap they had nine years ago. I'm talking about the real Woodstock and there will never be another one. Trust me on that. The kids from the 60s threw a party that nobody will ever match, I'm quite sure. And New York got wind they're going to have this big event. And they told these people if you don't get medical coverage you are not going to have this concert. They started hiring people from Nebraska. They thought we were more responsible, and we were a seedy lot, I can assure you. And I was the first drunk to sign up for this deal and find nine girls I worked with to join me and about 80 doctors from New York and they were at Woodstock. I never seen so much alcohol in a place in my entire life. You could have easily filled a bathroom with no problem whatsoever and the drugs, it was like a candy store and everybody was sharing narcotics with everybody else and we had this great big semi truck on that back lot of Woodstock that was our hospital park back there and I'll recall being that semi the entire week but I do recall what it was Likey Stanford on the stage at night that Richie Haven sang Freedom and Joe Cocker and Country Joe sang some of those groups that I love. I come from the roaring 60s, you guys, and I love rock and roll, let me tell you. Things have not changed in my life one little tiny bit. I loved Elvis Presley and Janis Joplin was my lady, let me tellyou. Wouldn't Janis Joffman have been a fine member of Alkalexomish, you guys? I'd have hung out with Janis, let me tellya. I'd trade Janis for Clancy any day of the week if you want to. That's not true. He knows that's a big fat lie, I wouldn't trade my sponsor for 20 Janis Joplin's. But, you know, drinking for me at one time was a fun thing, you guys. It'd be a lot of fun to stand on the same thing but that. But I cannot remember the fun after the pain that caused me. And one more time, I am so grateful for Aflex Thomas. I cannot begin to tell you, Ms. Pfeffen. You know, the drunk driving charges, the bad checks, all the stuff that we eventually do. My kids were in trouble. I never could marry these guys. I was engaged and they kept dying from alcoholism. And I thought, you know what? I need to get married to my ex-husband again. That's what I need them to do. The kids need their father. Besides that, I get even with him for all the things that he's done to me. And those are not very good reasons to get married again, I've got to tell you. And I'm certainly not proud that as I stand here tonight, if anybody in this room is thinking about getting married to the same person twice, don't do it. You're going to be sorry. The only way I can describe it is like taking a bite out of the same turd twice, if you will. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel. And I danced that man through three of the most miserable years of his life on the face of this earth. And I love to tell you guys this story. I tell you, my sponsor always tells me that is not funny and you should not be telling that to me at podiums. I said, okay, fine, then I won't tell it anymore. He said, no, go ahead and tell those people see how sick you really were and apparently how sick you really still are and I'm still sick and I still think it's funny and I'll tell them the story. When I married him again I told him, I said if you ever hit me again, buddy I will kill you next time you hit me and he said I'll never hit you again ever and I said you better see that you don't and he lied is what he did and he came home drunk one night and I happened to be sober this night for some reason and I never know why because I usually wasn't And girls, you know what guys do when they come home drunk? They want to take you to bed and stuff. And I was not buying it. If there's anything I can't stand, it's some drunk man mauling me when I'm sober. And I will say, though, that when the shoe's under their foot, though it's fine with me. And that guy came over and indicated that to me. And I said, you get your hands off me and leave me alone. I wanted nothing to do with him, period. And he broke my arm is what he did. And I'm here to tell you guys that I was pissed. As a matter of fact, I'm still pissed about it if you know the truth. and i told him i said you go to sleep on that couch and so help me god when you wake up you're going to wish you'd never been born he said it for hours you guys the eyes probably open and as it must be he finally passed out and i started drinking martinis and this is a classic example of what alcohol did for me alcohol told me what to do i didn't tell it what to do and i had about 8 10 martinis in i was feeling no pain i can assure you and i was sitting there watching this guy and i hate to tell you what this man was doing but i can't tell you the story goodness, I can tell you what he was doing. He was laying on the couch playing with himself. I thought, you disgusting man, you make me sick to my stomach. And the more I drank, the madder I got. And you guys should know, I'm a nurse and I'm very familiar with malanatomy. And I'd be very familiar mit malanotomy if I wasn't a nurse. But anyway, I thought to myself, what can I do to get even with this guy for all the things that he's done to me? And I came up with this brilliant idea in my drunken stupor. That's one thing we should never do, folks, is drink and think at the same time, I've got to tell you. And this was many, many years ago, you guys, when super glue first came out. And super glue was powerful stuff. You know, Mrs. Bobbitt has nothing on me, I can assure you. I was a farmer when she ever got started. I got that super glue out and I read the directions on that super blue. And like I said, I was drunk and I wasn't seeing very clearly. And what I thought those directions said were, if this hits human skin, you better get it off within 15 hours. Now, why would it say something stupid like that? What it said was, in fact, if this hit human skin you better to get it off within five minutes is what it said. And I remember this guy, I get so excited when I tell this story I could just do it all over again. This guy, and I poured super glue all over this guy's groin and I mean everywhere. There was not one place where I had super glue and I laughed about it and I went to bed. And I woke up in the morning to screams of horror like you cannot even believe. You know, I did not mean to hurt this guy as bad as I did and I swear to God that's true but I'll tell you what happened to my ex-husband. This guy never had the advantage of being circumcised when he was born, and now he clearly was, I can assure you. And we had a telephone by our bed there in Nebraska, and he called the cops and the police right in front of our home with their sirens going. There was an ambulance out there. The neighbors were gawking out their windows. You know, one thing you guys got to keep in mind here, they do not see things like this happen in Lincoln, Nebraska. In California it would not surprise me one bit, but certainly not there. And the cops were laughing, which led me to the whole thing was funny, and they said lady, are you crazy, or why would you do something like this? And I said, well What makes you think that I did it anyway? I was only standing there with glue on my hands, for Christ's sakes. And they said, You're under arrest for assault and battery. And I said, You cannot arrest wives in Nebraska for assaulting battery against their husbands. I knew better than that. And two days later when I got out of jail, I guess I didn't know better than that. And they took that man to the very hospital that I worked at in surgery, and he had to have surgery. And one more time, the whole staff saw what Karen did. It turned out to be a terrible, terrible thing. Those doctors there in Lincoln couldn't get that glue off, and they had to get two surgeons down from Creighton University Medical School in Omaha, Nebraska to get that glue off. There's a paper in about that at Creighton. Anybody in this room is going to go to medical school and you can read about it if you want to. I'd always wanted a paper about me, but not like this, I've got to tell you. And I was sitting in that jail thinking to myself, I am getting out of this marriage when this guy comes home from the hospital. He's going to glue something of mine shut and he would have too, I've Got to Tell You. And God only knows I couldn't have that happen. For those of you who don't know this, that happened to a lady in Kentucky about three years ago. It was on the national news and I was on a free web. I had a wreck when I heard it. I thought, my God, better her than me, I've got to tell you. But anyway, like I said earlier, we have an amends step in this program. And my sponsor and me get on an airplane and fly to Sacramento, California and make amends to my ex-husband where he currently lives. And I tried to tell my sponsor I'm not sorry that I did that. Therefore, I don't have to make the amends. He said, I do not care whether you are sorry or not. Get in that airplane, get there and do what I am asking you to do and maybe one of these days you will be sorry. And I will not tell anybody in this room tonight when that guy sees me he kind of backs up, let me tell you, but we are able to sit down and talk and stuff. And I made my amends to him. And I will tell you guys, I walked away from that man. I was free of what I had done to him, I was freed of being married to him twice, and I will say for the first time in my sobriety the promises in the big book about Klaxonomos came true in my life. And you know what else I found about that? Motives mean nothing here, folks. My motives sucked on that one, let me tell you. But I still got the promises, so go figure. It's action, not motives that counts in Al-Klaxonomo. But anyway, I have to tell you, guys, a funny story. I almost forgot to tell this. I went up to Lompoc Prison about a year and a half ago to give it give a talk as most of us know it's a men's federal penitentiary in central coast california they used to have this monthly speakers meeting so they invite people to come up and share and so forth so i drove up there and you have to go the guard tower and you have to push the button and they say who are you what is your business and i told them they said well mrs garrison do you have any weapons on you any guns knives explosives and i said no and they said well ms garrison do youhave any super glue on you for the first time in my life i was totally speechless, you know. And they were up in the guard tower laughing. It was so funny, you guys. And the prisoners put them up to it and stuff. So I said, well, no, as a matter of fact, I don't. They said, Well, then you can come on in, you know. But then the prisoners took me to the meeting room and they had this blackboard in there and they have this great big circle with a slash that said, No super glue in here tonight. It's so funny. You never know what's going to happen, not like Islamists. But anyway, I divorced this guy one more time. I got involved with the most bizarre man I've ever met before my life. This guy told me he was in the mafia. Now, I I don't think anybody in Nebraska is in the mafia, for Christ's sakes. I was lying to him and he was lying me. It was your typical alcoholic nightmare is what it was. I was drinking on a daily basis. I was taking Valium for severe tremors I was starting to have. It was beginning to be no more fun, I've got to tell you guys. You know, I'm a nurse and I've studied alcoholism. I knew all about it before I became one. It shows me one more time tonight what our book says is so true. Self-knowledge avails us nothing with this disease. It's action that counts. Nowhere in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous do we have a chapter called Into Thinking. that's called into action and that's the only reason i'm standing here 22 years sober and the day came to me the hospital told me we have had all the crap we're going to take off for you karen you are the finest nurse from this devil we're tired of reading about you in the paper drunk driving charges bad checks glue and husbands all the stuff that you're doing everything you do in nebraska is in the papers i'm sorry to say and they knew my game let me tell you they said you're either going to a treatment center or you longer had this job well you guys you know what you don't tell people like me that stuff and i said you and what army's gonna make me go to to a treatment center. And I walked out of a job that I loved more than even the whole world, and I cannot say that enough tonight. And I drank and I drank, and I died and I lied 1,000 times over. I went to work at a nursing home there in Lincoln. What I'm going to share with you guys is something I am not proud to discuss from any AAC podium. It took me years for my sobriety before I would ever mention this. I found myself stealing drugs from that nursing home. And it's not because I like drugs. That has nothing to do with anything. I would drink any day of any drug I can name. But anyway, I was physically addicted to alcohol. I had to have this stuff now. I couldn't go more than three hours without drinking, without having terrible withdrawal symptoms. I couldn'T drink at work, so I started stealing narcotics. It was just that damn simple. And I hated myself so bad, I cannot begin to tell you guys. And I was still in morphine and dimerol and cocaine and Valium. I'd get my damn hands on. And the day came to me, the people that ran that place came up to me. And they said, Karen, what is wrong with you? You are just weird is what you are. Now, you take good care of the patients. You're a great nurse, but you're just strange. And I remember thinking to myself, you'd be strange too if you had 10 milligrams of dimeril on board. You'd be strange, too. And I threw my keys at them, and I walked out the door before they fired me. And I went to work at Bryan Memorial Hospital there in Lincoln. And you guys, it's a fine, fine facility. And I was drunk on that interview. I got that nursing position. And I'm not talking about falling down drunk. I was just maintaining a certain level of alcohol in my bloodstream that I would not shake and have those violent tremors. That is clearly desperation drinking. Our book describes it vividly. And I wasn't drunk. I was in hot water up to my yinging, let me tell you. The very thought that I might drink again makes the hair on my neck stand straight up. And that's why I'm an active, active member of our collectivism and stuff. But the day came to me when I got caught red-handed stealing some morphine from that hospital, and this has got to be without a doubt the most humiliating day of my entire life, when they said, you give us your narcotic keys and you get out of this hospital. Don't you ever walk back in here again. We're reporting this to the State Board of Nursing Nebraska. That's exactly what they did. That's Exactly What They Should Have Done. My little job should have been too, as a matter of fact. And long story short here tonight, I lost my nursing license. And to make a long story shorter and shorter here tonight I wound up on the streets of Nebraska, is what happened to me. And you guys, I spent two years on the streets. And I tell the Midwest, I prostituted myself, and I'll guarantee you one thing, that I have seen and done things that no woman should ever see or do. I'm still so sick in the head sometimes, I think to myself, I wouldn't mind seeing some of them again. My sponsor assures me I'm Still a Very Ill Person. You think of that kind of crap. And you know, I've been in nuthouses, Ive been in detoxes, Iv'e been in jails, I've be in institutions. I cannot think of a thing that didn't happen on the street as a Protestant female alcoholic. Things happened to I'm not repeating this podium tonight, but I'm sure that you have the general idea. And two years went by for me, and there I was back there in Lincoln, standing on Skid Row sucking on a bottle of Mad Dog. And I certainly had better things in store for myself than to be doing that, I've got to tell you. I will never forget that last day of my drinking as long as I live, and I hope to God it was the last dayof my drinking. I apparently was so physically sick I just passed down the streets, is what happened to me. But before that happened, I remember thinking to myself, there was a Hilton Hotel adjacent to that Skid row area, And I remember thinking two years ago, I used to stand on top of the Hilton Hotel and drink martinis with surgeons. What am I doing standing on Skid Row drinking with these people? And I'd rather imagine those folks felt the same way when they arrived there. And like I said, I can't tell you much about it at all. I woke up in an intensive care ward, the very hospital I was born at, the very hostel that I worked at for 19 years. And I will tell you guys clearly that the alcoholic hell for me started the day I got sober. You know, I'm not a very good person. I only weighed 95 pounds when I got sobre. and I was coming off a quarter whatever day and 200 milligrams of Valium a day. That is a lot of booze, that's a lot of pills, and I had a lot of diabetes, let me tell you. You know, they say that most alcohol withdrawal is over within three days and perhaps it is for some people. It certainly was not for me. It was going to be a long, long time before I was going to start feeling better. I laid in that intensive care ward. I had tubes come out of my belly that were draining and flit off my liver. I had IVs going and I found myself on withdrawal that was so bad I cannot begin to tell you guys. And I laid in that extensive care ward and I shook and I shipped and I died and I died for 30 solid days and I'd scream at those nurses and demand they give me drugs for this withdrawal and they wouldn't give me anything. They said there's nothing wrong with your heart, it's not throwing any irregularities, you're not getting one damn drug from us so quit asking us for them but let me tell you what these people did for me and I'll be forever grateful as long as I'm sober now called synonymous. They got 10 members of AA to come and sit with me and these people never left me day or night for 30 solo days and I really fell in love with these people and I'll tell you why. There was nobody in my life the day I got sober. My family wanted nothing to do with me. They had it out of me. I didn't have a friend in the world, and somebody was talking to me for the first time in a long time, and I just fell in love with these people. You know, I just want to say something real quickly because I feel so strongly about this because it saved my life. Once in AA, I hear people say, not very many people, and I don't hear it that often, but when I hear it, I want to throttle them by the neck. They say things like, we don't go unless the alcoholic calls us. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm standing here 22 years sober tonight. I never made any damn phone call. Where did that crap come from? If it's good enough for our co-founders, by God, it's good enough for us. I think Bill called Bob as the story goes. I don't think Bob called Bill. I hope I never forget where I'm coming from around here. My responsibility statement does indeed say when anyone reaches out for help, we want the hand of A always to be there. So, you know, I hope I never forget where I'm coming from around here. But anyway, I have to believe it was a direct result of that. I'm standing here 22 years sober tonight. But, you know, at 30 days of sobriety, I walked into that official treatment program at that hospital. I'm a product of a treatment center. I have no opinion on one way or the other, but apparently I went to a fine one because all they talked about was alcloxomibus and boy there's a lot of bad ones out there you guys let me tell you and thank God I went and let me show you what I was like when I was 30 days sober. I turned on you like you cannot even believe when you start telling me what to do. I injured so desperately on day one, but 30 days later it was a whole different ballgame let me tells you. You know where I went through treatment, a lot people got kicked out of treatment for fraternizing. I didn't. Nobody wants to fraternize an orange person I can assure you. They used to bring the patients over to the hospital and they'd say look at her see what's going to happen to you if you keep on drinking? Look at her. I thought, how dare you leave people in my room and say stuff like that. But you guys, you know what, in retrospect tonight, I'm really glad they did that. I get to think about that before I pick up any drink. But I was not a quick study in that inpatient 30-day program due to my rotten behavior. I was in there for seven long months. That's a long time to be in an inpatient three-day programme. But I completed that in-patient programme. And I went to an outpatient programme, and I went through an evening care programme, and I worked through an aftercare programme. And I found myself a very, very active member of Alcoholics Homeless in Lincoln, Nebraska. And I rapidly went through 19 sponsors in that town. You know, I can't think of any more dangerous for me to do is to sit in these rooms with no sponsor and doing my own thing, let me tell you. But it had nothing to do with those people. I had wonderful people that tried to help me. I would simply not listen to them, period. But anyway, you know, you can pull your crap down just for so long and these old-timers are going to start nailing you one right after the other. God love the many old-trimers in Alkalix Economist. They literally saved my life. And boy, they are dying off right and left, I've got to tell you guys. and they have taught me well and I'll be internally grateful but this old guy with 29 years of sobriety grabbed me up in AA one day he said come outside I want to talk to you he said you stay away from new people how dare you tell the new people in AA they read the book and they need a sponsor he said you're like a typhoid Mary in AA everybody dies around you but you're able to stay sober somehow and he went on to tell me there's going to be a man from California speaking in Collier, Nebraska this weekend his name is Clancy he had this man speak and asked this man if he will sponsor you he is a master at dealing with jerks like you and I hear all about Clancy and I want nothing to do with him, period, because I knew I was going to be in bad, bad trouble. And I've got to tell you guys that my fears have been justified 8,000 times over. But I told this old-timer, I said, who do you think you are that you're going to tell me he's going to become my sponsor now, Klaxonimus? He said, if you don't get in that car and go this Saturday, I'm going to show everybody in Lincoln how you stole money from an AA meeting, and I'll guarantee you I was in that card going to Kearney, Nebraska. I paid that money back too, by the way, and I did pay it back. And I will tell you, guys, from a podium in Kearnee, Nebraska, that Clancy literally put the magic of alcoholics and zombies in my life. You know, I will never forget that night as long as I live, you guys. I have to tell you another funny story. Dick Martin is sitting right here in the front row. Dick's my aide brother, a dear friend of mine, and very instrumental in my sobriety also and stuff. But, you know, Dick and Clancy and all of us were together that weekend in Kearney, Nebraska. And so Dick was to introduce Clancy. So anyway, he did do that, and Clency got up, and he fell off the stage backwards. His chair got caught on the podium, and he just fell off backwards and stuff like that. And it's the first time I've laughed in my whole sobriety. I mean, he wasn't hurt. We knew he wasn'T hurt and stuff. But I laughed so much, I thought I was going to pee my pants. I laughed some hard. But anyway, then Clancy gets to the podium. This is so funny. I will never forget this. And Dick had introduced him. And Dick talked for a little while too long, I guess, or whatever. But Clancy said, you know, my God, he said, you know what? I fell over. So astoundingly, when he gave up the microphone, I just fell over, you now. But anyway. It was so funny, I will ever forget that. But anyway, I found myself and walked across that convention floor and asked that man to be my sponsor. And I will tell you that my life has never been the same, let me tell you guys. And he looked at me and he said, I don't sponsor crazy people like you. And that's a lie anyway. He sponsors people crazier than I ever thought of being. And I thought to myself, what did he say that to me before he doesn't even know me? And I wasn't aware of the fact that this old-timer had called him two weeks prior to him coming to Nebraska and asked if he brought me up here to talk to me. He said, of course I will. And he knew my game, letme tell you. And I sent him my little white dress on, my little white gloves on, acting like an angel. And he saw right through my crap, I've got to tell you. And thank God he didn't. He said, Karen, I don't like to sponsor people on long-distance basis, but I'm going to do this for you because if I don' t do it for you, you'll probably go die somewhere. But he said, I'm gonna tell you something, little girl, and you better listen to me real good because I'm gonna say it one time and one time only. You're gonna call me every day. I tell you not to call me everyday. You're going to read that book. You're a sponsor of people. Become an active Bible member of Bethlehem. You' re not going to argue with me. Defend your actions to me, you're going to do what I ask you to do. And if you don't want to do that, then get yourself a different sponsor. And you guys, you want to talk about we stood at the turning point. This is the day of my recovery really beginning out for Lex Anonymous and I said two words that I almost fell over when I said them. I said yes sir. I don't tell people yes sir, trust me I do not. And what God doing for me that I can't do for myself. Respect has got to start with me somewhere. It might as well start with my sponsor now, Lex Anonymous. I went back to Lincoln. I became very, very active in A in the Right Way. One of my sponsors a lot of women in that town. I am not bragging about that. It is not that much fun to sponsor 56 crazy women in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I agree to love those women very, very much, and I'll tell you why. They really showed me the first four years of my sobriety what to do and what not to do in this program, and every one of those women are still sober today with the exception of one, and she died in a car accident when she was 13 years sober, but she died sober, you guys, and it wasn't because of me. They were active members of AlcoholicsAnonymous, and one of the first directions my sponsor gave me, I want you get that nursing license back. And I tried to tell this man, I go through that kind of humiliation. He said, Karen, are you arguing with me? And I said, no. He said, get the State Board of Nursing Nebraska, tell those people you've been sober for a year and a half you got the option to get your nursing license black. And you guys, I knew it wasn't going to work but I did it anyway. And that's without a doubt the most important thing I can say in this room tonight I did what my sponsor asked me to do whether I thought it would work or not and I asked them for my license back and they looked at me like I had just grown horns on the top my head i can assure you and they said how many links are you willing to go to him and i had to do a lot you guys i had take crap off people for two years that i wouldn't hire to mow my own lawn if you know the truth and i'd keep my mouth shut in the process too and one of the happiest days of my life occurred 18 years ago last april when one more time i was shipped in front of the state board of nursing nebraska and what they told me brought me to my knees for the first time in affleck's namas they said welcome home your fullerian city is registered nurse and as a gift from aa i don't deserve by god i'm taking it i'll tell you i went to visit southern california a couple times i fell in love with southern calif ornia and i found myself telling my sponsor on the phone one day i want to move to la live on that crazy venice beach with all those crazy people i knew i felt like a glove not been wrong about that either but on the pacific group i want to work at ucla in the operating room being through their transplant teams their heart liver transplant teams i want this and i want that and every single of those things have come true for me. And those are all gifts from AA. I deserve none. By God, I'm taking all of it. Somebody tonight has asked me to tell this story and I'd love to tell the story and I want to thank you so much for asking because then I get to relive it all over again. Early on my sponsor told me, he says, Karen, where are you at? He said, Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program. The whole program is spiritual. Where are you out with that? And I said, I don't believe in God. I cannot do that stuff. I cannot pray. I don' t believe in god. And he flipped open the big book and he showed me where I get a daily reprieve contingent on a spiritual maintenance with power greater than myself and he went on to tell me there's going to come a day in your life when i can't help you a can't help you and you have better well have a god in your Life my dear you are dead from the disease of alcoholism and you guys I know that's very true because it's happening many many times in my sobriety and thank God I had a gob by the time it happened and I said the magic words to my sponsor what do you want me to do he said I want you to get on your knees at night get on your knees in the morning I want You to pray for God's will do not pray for things pray for God's will and the power to carry that out. And I started doing that, and I didn't feel any connection with God. I felt like an idiot doing it, if you wanted the truth. And I talked to my sponsor every day on the phone, and I'd say, this is not working for me. I don't feel no connection with the Lord. I don' t have any connection to God. And he says, Karen, are you staying sober one day if I'm an afflux anonymous? I said, well, you know that I am. He said, that's the point of the whole thing. Are you stupid or what? I wasn't playing with a full deck when I arrived here. It took me a long, long time to do these little simple things. And, you Know, I told my sponsor one day, I said Clancy, what is God's Will? And he says, how the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not God. But he said, I have to believe that when I'm lying, stealing, and cheating, when I do what God gives me to do, that's got to be God's will. I believe that God doesn't want me to drink. That I know for sure. After that, I don't know nothing except I've got to do what's in front of me, what God gets me to doing. And I said, what does that mean? He said, do what you're supposed to do. Do what God keeps you to do for you. Why don't you start answering the telephone just for starters? You know, I thought this is really stupid, you guys, but I didn't say that. I just started doing it. But thanks to answering that telephone, I am now $86,000 out of debt in Alcoholics Anonymous. But it took 18 short years to do it. It's like paying for dead horses everywhere. But you know what? I'll tell you, I'm so glad I did that, you guys. I'm still doing it. I'm just so glad. I love being debt-free in Alcoholic Anonymous, let me tell you. But anyway, so I started taking those actions my sponsor taught me to do. Do what's in front of you. So, you know, you guy, I worked at UCLA for many, many years, for 15 years. And I had back surgery like eight years ago. And the surgery was totally successful, but I have a bunch of scar tissue. So I could not do OR nursing anymore. And I went to work for Zimmer Surgical Instrument Company. That's what I'm doing right now. But the story I want to tell you happened like 11 years ago. And I'd just love to tell this story one more time. Thank you so much for asking me to tell it. But, you know, one night the phone rang. And we used to do all our transplants at night over there because it's the nature of when you've got the organs and so forth. So we just did most of our transients on the night shift and stuff. So anyway, I worked the nights for many, many years at UCLA. and this one particular week I'd worked 72 hours and you know what it was like for two hungry, angry, lonely or tired I was a bitch is what I was but this one night I had off and I went to meet early in the evening I went home and I was just whipped and the phone rang about 2 o'clock in the morning I thought that's either my boss wanted me to come to work it's somebody I sponsored wanting to whine about something I'm not picking up the telephone I'm non-answering that phone and my head taught me pick up the phone somebody's in trouble you guys have taught me well I got to tell you, but in my head would not leave me alone. So I picked up the telephone and sure enough, it was my boss. And she said, I've got 18 people sick over here tonight. I know you work 72 hours. I can't help it. I need you to come to work. We're going to deliver a transplant to a girl that's about three years old. I have nobody to do it. Now get over here and help me. And I thought, you know what? I can'T even think straight. I'm so tired. She says, Karen, I can' t help it, and the phone went dead. Well, I was going to call my sponsor, but I don't want to talk to him about nothing at 2 o'clock in the morning. I know what he told me. Nobody ever died from lack of sleep, Karen. And I'd say, well, there's a first thing for time for everything, Clancy. You know, but anyway, I'm so glad I went to work because the most precious thing happened to me. And I got over there and I sent my orderly upstairs to bring our little patient down to surgery. And we had a jet come from New York with a liver for this child. We had some time to kill and stuff. And so my orderl called me in the back and he said, come out front and get your patient. You're not going to believe all the people in this family. And I thought, well that's nice that they had the support. I was so crabby, you guys. And I went out front. And the first thing I noticed was the mother. She had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen before in my life. and the dad was good looking and stuff and there's like 75, 80 people in this family I thought how highly unusual at 4 o'clock in the morning, how highly usual anytime if you want to know the truth then I looked down at my little patient and I got to tell you guys that Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to love at a level I never ever ever dreamt possible myself and I ever so gently fell in love with this little baby girl she was so sick she went through her head off the pillow dying from some strange liver thing and needed a transplant I remember thinking to myself you didn't want to be here you selfish person And I didn't mind, I'm going to be the best nurse I've ever been before in my life tonight. By God, I was too. And I'd been over and I talked to her and I said, you know, she had a little arm. She had a bear and she had her blanket wrapped around that bear hanging on here for dear life. And I've been over there and I've talked to him and I say, oh, you brought your little baby bear down to surgery and tried to tell me if your little bear was going to have a liver transplant. And I said oh you're both going to one and she said no, no, just the bear. But anyway, we sent the family out to the waiting room and that mom was in absolute hysterics, I got to tell you guys. And this little girl looked at me and she says why is my mommy crying? and go tell your mommy not to cry. And because of Alcoholics Anonymous, what I've learned in this program, I was able to tell that baby the truth. And I said, Your mommy's crying because your mommy loves you so very, very much. And that seemed to settle her down a little bit and stuff. And we have an anesthesiologist at UCLA that loves to play with the kids, you guys. He's just a delight to work with. So when she got her IV started, the bear got an IV started. And his bag was called Bear Juice. She thought that was real funny. And when she went to sleep, the bears went to bed. And it was really quite painless working on the truth, but I must tell you that 16-hour transplant did not go well. We almost lost that baby a couple times due to blood loss. I have never seen a team of people pull together like we pulled together at night for that baby. And 16 hours later, she went up to her room with not much hope at all, I've got to tell you guys. Well, we said some prayers on that one, let me tell you. And I became obsessed with this child, and I had to see her again. We have a rule over there. You may not get involved with these transplant patients. They're where the organs come from. We cannot tell them. It's best not to see them after surgery. Now, I'm telling everybody in this room tonight that I'm real good at breaking rules, aren't I? I thought, I'M just going to go up and see how she's doing. I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO ANYBODY. And when she was six days post-op in that transplant, I went to that baby's room. And I opened the door to that kid's room, and I could not believe it was in front of my face. My God, the power of God, The Power of God. Here was this little baby girl. It was the first time she went through surgery. She was jumping up and down in her crib. She had her diapers hanging around her knees. She had a baby bottle in one hand, and she had that bear on the other arm. And she put Band-Aids all over this bear. He had Band- Aids on his eyes, his ears, his nose, and eye meat everywhere. And I just stood in that hall, andI just cried like a baby. It is not cool to see the nursing staff ball, let me tell you. That whole room full of people in there. And something caught my eye, the corner of my eye. And I'll be damned if our book wasn't sitting on that kid's dresser. And it all made sense to me now. And I was in that room like a flash. And I said to the mom, I said, whose book is that? And she said, well, that's my book. I remember about Flexonymous. So is my husband. Her sponsor was there. His sponsor was here. And those 75, 80 people had driven 500 miles to be with this family. They were not from the L.A. area. And I'm impressed, let us tell you, they show me one more time what this thing is all about. It's about love and service, and that's all it's about. And I was impressed. And I said to the mom, I said, how long have you been sober? And she said, five years today. I thought, oh, my God, her baby up for the first time. What a fabulous birthday present and stuff. And I watched this little girl, and she looked at me, and she said go away, I'm not sick anymore. I had my scrub clothes on, and I was scared to hell I was what I did. And I didn't come here to hurt you, I came here to see how you're doing. You guys, she gave me her little bear, and she said you take him home and take care of him. He's so sick he needs a nurse to take care And I thought, I know why she gave me the bear to get me the hell away from her. But, you know, I could pretend like she wanted me to have it. And I told the mom, I said, I can't take that baby's bear home. My God, that bear went through that babyís liver transplant. We had her by her little head her entire surgery. And she said, Karen, please take it. She wants you to have him. Sheís got 50 bears in this room. And she did indeed have 50 bears on that room. And I felt like a fool walking down the hall with that bear. But that bear was my most prized possession of an alcoholic sonnets for many, many years. They got to be too damned important to me. My little granddaughter, Brandy, says to me, Grandma, can I have that bear? And I said, It's Grandma's bear. And she knows the whole story, you guys. And she says, But I want that little bear. And I say, Grandma will buy you 100 bears. It's my bear. And she said, But i don't want 100 bears, but I want THAT bear. And I says, IT'S GRANDMA'S BEAR! I thought, Oh, I can't believe I said that to my granddaughter. And God forbid if I had talked to my sponsor about it. What's a 50-year-old woman talking to her sponsor about a bear for? You know, my sponsor told me, Give her the damn bear. Quit being so selfish. you know I thought that's it I'm getting a different sponsor that's the last straw obviously I didn't do that but anyway he said you've got to give her the way to keep it you got the memory letter had the bear you can visit me go back to Nebraska I'd have to report here tonight that Brandy is now 22 years old she has two little kids of her own and I visited my bear in Lincoln Nebraska about five weeks ago sitting on her dresser there in Lincoln and band-aids and tacky is doing just fine stuff it so anyway I thought to myself I need to reciprocate here I obviously was not prepared for a birthday party in that hospital room. And I remember something in my pocket that my sponsor had given me when I was five years sober. I was 11 years sober when this happened. I'd hung on that medallion for six years too long, I've got to tell you. The reason is that's in my packet at work. There's narcotic keys next to that medaglian. I'm telling anybody in this room tonight, when I open that cupboard sometimes, my eyes light up like firecrackers and I can grab that and remember where I'm coming from here. But, you know, we say now, like Thomas, you've got give it away to keep it. And I'm a selfish woman, I'm sorry to say. I could not seem to find the woman that was special, in my opinion, give my five-year medallion to. And I knew I'd found her, let me tell you. And I gave her my medallia, and she says, Karen, I can't take that. My God, Clancy gave you that. And I said, no, I want you to have it. And I really, really meant that. That's what you eventually do for me around here and stuff. And the nurses got wind of all this. We got a cake for the mother. We celebrated her five years of sobriety. I got my sponsor on the telephone. It was about two hours. He had about 50 cars in front of UCLA. And I cannot begin to tell you how proud I was to take those people to my home group in Alkalexomus that night the pacific group there's been no more contact with them it's got to be that way for many many reasons but i know that little girl is doing very very well and stuff and the point i'm trying to make here is i could have missed the whole damn thing if i wouldn't pick up that telephone how many times in my life have i missed stuff because i wouldn'T take a simple action like answering the telephone you know people say to me all the time why do you keep doing it karen why do you keep going it and i know of no greater thing to say to them than where our 12th tradition says long form so that this to the end that my great blessings may never spoil me i may forever live and thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all. And there's more reasons than that for me. You're the ones that walked with me when nobody else would walk with me. You held my hand when nobody other would hold my hand. And you told me that you loved me. And I need you as desperately as I needed you in 1982. You've taught me how to live, you've taught me how love, you taught me to keep my pants up and all those things. I don't do any of those things very well but I'll tell you the one thing that I do with 200% absolute perfection and that is this that I love this program more than the whole world and it's truly a story from an alcoholic hell I cannot even describe. I have truly been given, just like the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, I have purely been given the keys to the kingdom. And I'm going to say one more thing. I'm gonna shut my mouth here right on time. It has been one hell of a walk from Skid Row in Nebraska to where I stand in Kansas City, Missouri tonight. I think that but for the grace of God and AlcoholicsAnonymous that I would have missed it all. Thank you for having me. Thank you. Thank you so much for your time and your life. Thank you.