Steps 4 and 5 – Don’t Sweat the Summer Big Book Workshop – Part 3 of 6 – 2025 – Shannon B.

help me welcome Shannon. Shannon alcoholic? Great to meet you. Oh, it's good to be here. No pressure. My friend Eric just drove from Illinois to come hear us today, just so you know that. So then anybody that couldn't drive 40 minutes to be here today, shame on you. And he gave, I think, the best loving advice we give anybody just before they speak. He said, don't screw it up. So I'll try my best not to do that. I'm honored to be here. I really am. I was here last year for the first event. It was amazing. I'm honored to share the podium with Chad and Julie and Nicoletta. Nicoletta is also my sponsor. Girlfriend. But she sure is one hell of a teacher in my life. She really is just a top student who's always worked so hard. And she's learning today. She's got some great ideas. Uh honestly, I miss her. She's really really lovely. If either of us found out was she wasn't around, I wouldn't be here today. I believe that she's the only one who's trapped in maybe herommate chapter. She's been everything she shared with me. She's made me very happy. And I stress this all the time. remember going up to my sponsor after the meeting and this is truth I'm not trying to be funny I don't remember a word she said but it blew me away I really had and I so I had to tell my sponsor this so I ran up to my sponsor and I'm like oh I'm like Adrian oh my god I had to I'm like that's she is unbelievable and he said stay away from her go put away the chairs and take care of the coffee and I was like I guess I didn't listen many years later right so so I'm here to talk about the four-step and Julie you did such an amazing job and I mean you all did and what really if you're really I was thinking about it sitting here why do we even do an inventory like well why do we do one and I think looking back without it without a true inner first step experience meaning you know are in our innermost selves of four steps impossible I mean think about how many people do we lose around the inventory process right or you know I love it the book says that you know you can I'm gonna paraphrase what it says it says but you're basically gonna come to a place where you know you'll go on to the bitter end blotting out your intolerable situation the best you can live in a dream you know you're basically gonna come to a place where you know you'll go on to the world or go to a halfway house in Boca Raton or get in a relationship or find that new external thing to try to fit up fill an internal vacancy right actually what the book says for anybody new here it says or to accept spiritual help man spiritual help what the hell is spiritual help is that gonna look like you know that's scary you know and I love Julie you talked about I actually have it written in the top of page 44 where am I currently agnostic in my life where am I currently and I and you nailed it wherever there's a struggle yes wherever there's a struggle wherever I have mental anxiety wherever I have doubt wherever I have a fear wherever I'm trying to wrestle you know it's a life changing story. a life changing story. a life changing story. notice Bill actually wrote the word rest with a W in the book anybody notice that wrestle well I could just you know when you get to a place and I really love it I think they could rename chapter four with how's that working out for you right Bill was nice he called it we agnostics but it's really like how's it working out for you chief and just like Julie and Nicoletta did such a beautiful job describing as it wasn't working out so well with or without a drink with I drank after seven and a half years sober and we were talking about on the parking lot with Eric and Chad and I can tell you why I drank again see a lot of times we come back in and you know so-and-so drank again how come he stopped going to work and then he stopped going to work and then he stopped going to work and then he stopped going to meetings he stopped talking to his sponsor he I believe this is just my experience I believe that those are just subsets and byproducts of not living a life of self-examination like Julie talked about I really do I got all fired up in a a and I mean I was the big you couldn't put it up microphones in front of me with the first time I got you know and I was sponsored a bunch of people and I was starting workshops and you know I was doing all crazy stuff up in Rochester New York where I'm originally from and I started a big home group it's still going on today and I was sponsoring guys I was going out making amends and again this isn't this is just my story it's not his fault but I had a sponsor who didn't have experience with steps 10 and 11 it's not his fault he's behaving at the level of consciousness that he can just like I am right here right now wasn't his fault so we got the 10 I'm like you know I hear people in any talking about this 10 and 11 like what do you he's like well you just those are kind of living steps so I'm like okay that's all live it after seven and a half years and I'm not gonna get it but because it's kind of leads to this after seven and a half years sober I'm not moving down to New York City and getting a beautiful job and I had arrived and subconsciously I forgot it was sick I forgot I was sick and I'm I'm just like Fred. This is a true story. I woke up one day just like today, a beautiful day today. There wasn't a cloud on the horizon. I went to work that day, got on the subway, went down to downtown in Manhattan, down on Wall Street, and went up to my office. And just to speed up the story, I thought it would be a good idea to take pain medication from one of my sales reps that was selling it to everybody else in the company. And here's the insanity, and then I'll get on to the inventory process. Because this is what happens. The insanity that we're talking about in the second step happens to me sober. And this is what insanity sounds like at seven and a half years sober. This guy was divvying up, he was divvying up Percocet in his cubicle in the office. And I walked around the corner, and he worked for me, he was one of my sales reps, and I walked the corner and I went, that was the first thought. And the second thought was, how many of those can you get? And the third thought, as my hands extended to grab these at seven and a half years sober, here's this man, we want to talk about insane. I had back surgery prior to that day, years ago. My back was fine. But the subtle insanity that precedes the first fill in the blank, subtle. It's like a whisper. Shannon, it's okay because you've had back injuries in the past. And if you take these kind of proactively, it won't hurt you in the future. How is that any different than whiskey and milk? Jim gets a bad rap sometimes. We mentioned it. We slap our knee. What an idiot. Until I look at my own collapse. Until I look at my, how am I any different? And so I bring that, all of that up. And I mean, there, here it is right here. Why did I pick up, why did insanity return into my life again after seven and a half years sober? Because this thing that I have is so much deeper than booze. Booze treats that. And what it treats, and I love, Julie, that you talked about it, so I won't be the only one that sounds like a freak up here, is you talked about self is not you. I think that is very important. I really do. I've had a whole new experience. And what I'm about to say is, I've had a whole new experience. And I've had a whole new experience. And I've had a whole new experience. And I've had a whole new experience. It did not happen when I had two weeks sober sitting in my apartment. I didn't. But here's the thing. The third step prayer says, God, I offer myself to thee to build me and to do with me as thou wilt. And then it says, relieve me of the bondage of self. Good job. Doesn't say me. Bill was a hell of an author. I'll be honest with you. I think one of the most prolific authors of our time. I really do. If Bill met me, he would have wrote it. He would have wrote it. What I'm asking God to do is relieve me from this narrative, from this construct that I think is me, that's been talking to me since I was about three years old. That's why I drink again. I need relief from that. I need relief from that. That's why I'm going to God saying, please relieve me of the bondage of self. . A couple of things. Two things it says about me. Subscribe to my channel if you want me to be posting YouTube and some of my book, now please do so. So what's the support that you need to be случiding with my nature to be 쓰�.cription Tom 아� dimnh work attention and and see me tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow so on my new next with that it last why because if we let it if we let it linger and we let it go on for weeks and months and the ego grabs a hold of the same construct that i'm trying to get relief from we'll take it all and massage it and spit it back out that maybe right now is not a good time to do the inventory i mean eventually you know eventually i'll get to it eventually i'll get to those filling you know amends eventually i'll get to those and so and here's the thing why did i do an inventory i did an inventory because in february uh 13 2012 under the booze of under the booze of under the i'm on like three hours of sleep under the influence of uh vodka and orange juice uh a prayer came across my lips sitting in my apartment and it was very similar to nicoletta's as i said god i can't do this anymore now i knew when i said those words in hindsight it was more than booze it was more than just drinking i didn't understand the depth of it i love what you said we all know that like my friend bob b says that life is lived forward and learned backward right the spiritual path is hindsight it is until you start to really get into 10 and 11 then it can it can you start to touch current every every every once in a great while i'll do a drive-by in the present moment right it's like oh my god that was the present moment back to thinking again but um i did an inventory because i i came to a place like it talks about in a vision for you and and i know what it says but i'm going to paraphrase it because that's i i couldn't life sucked not drinking and it sucked just as equally drinking it when life hurts sober and life hurts hurts not sober a lot of us do like it talks about in the book we make the ultimate sacrifice rather than continue to fight we kill ourselves we kill ourselves and julie you said it and this is true and i learned this from my friend kurt through some work with him as i wanted to kill myself but i but i would have killed the wrong self i would have killed the wrong self i would have killed the wrong guy that would have killed it though if i hadn't gotten the wrong guy i would have thrown through himself in front of the a train as it was coming down the tracks that morning i would have killed damn i i would have killed the father of my daughter you know so um so we come out of this third step prayer and my sponsors got this weird like black and white marble book he got from staples with like a pen already like attach to it and i'm like you know and he's like all right we're getting ready to write and here's here's here's what what's surrounding part where i'm going to about as i'm looking into the feeling of rendered looks like. When he pulled the thing out of his backpack at his apartment, this notepad, my mind was like, no, let me just... But I extended my hand and I said, okay. What do you want me to do? He said, I want you to go home and just write a master list. We're not even going to get into columns right now. Go home and write a master list if everyone's ever pissed you off. Whom? I like what Bill did there. Whom? That covers yesterday in the third grade. With whom we were angry. People, institutions, and principles. Prejudice is all that stuff, right? And I remember, I'm like, man, that's going to be a long list. He goes, oh, I know. I know. And that's okay. Don't try not to judge it. Just write. Don't even think about it. So I went home and I wrote out that master list the best I could. Actually, let me rephrase. I got about halfway through the list. And I started looking around the apartment thinking, I haven't cleaned my apartment in like two years. I wonder if the landlord would be objective. I went to Home Depot and got some paint and actually started painting the place. Like, this place could use some real color. You know why you're laughing, right? Because that construct is terrifying. That narrative that's been... I mean, damn, I think back in the first grade, that narrative was already hammering on me. It was already talking. I could have used a rum and coke in the first grade. That's the truth, right? I could have used a mix. I could have used a mix drink in the first grade because it was already on me. And what happens, you know, you multiply over the years and what's happening, what I realize in hindsight is when you're selfish and self-centered. And I used to think the same thing. Like, I hear you guys say selfish and self-centered. I thought you meant like, this is mine. I'm keeping it. No, life's happening to me. Life is happening to me. And that's a lot of moving parts. I mean, no wonder we drink. I mean, you know, it's like, we're suffering from what God calls a spiritual malady. And we're suffering from what the book calls a spiritual malady. And I just want to kind of inject in there that doesn't... This is my experience, please. I'm only here today to share my experience. It doesn't mean it's right, wrong, good, bad. I'm expressing to you, to the best of my ability, with the tools that I've been given, words, to try to define and explain to you my relationship with this thing called God. It doesn't mean it's right. It doesn't mean it's wrong. But I will tell you this. through enough meditation, through enough practice and enough inventory, I do not believe that I have a soul sickness. I do not believe that I've ever been spiritually sick. Ever. I believe that I suffered from a mental narrative that told me I was spiritually sick. It told me I had a spiritual hole in my soul. I spent my whole life filling an imaginary hole in my ego, Doug. It wasn't even real. It wasn't even real. So I do this inventory. I get done and my sponsor says, all right, so what we're going to do is we're going to do, you know, we're going to do exactly what the book says. We're going to put them in columns. We're going to do three columns on the front and then we're going to turn the page or we're going to do, you know, what we call the fourth column. You know, where are we selfish, self-seeking, dishonest and frightened. That's it. The ego's like, whoa. Wait. Wait a second. But I did it. So I went home and I sat in my apartment and I did exactly what he said. He said, why don't you bring God into it with you? I had three weeks over when I wrote my inventory. Three weeks over. We didn't rush through it. The night that I met my sponsor, dying from untreated alcoholism, he was an iron worker at the time in New York City and he had fallen on some scaffolding, got hurt. He was out of work for a while. What a coincidence. And I was literally at this guy's house. I lived in Brooklyn at the time. He lived in Queens and I had no car at the time, go figure. And I would ride my mountain bike over to his house with highlighters and a big book and a notepad and enthusiasm and vigor and willingness because I was beaten into a state of reasonableness. Why did I do this inventory? Because I just came in touch with the collapse of my own existence. Gig was up. Like it says in our 12 and 12, my scorecard read zero. Just like Nicola. I had no more lies, no more excuses, no more reasons why I was so pathetic. And I don't mean pathetic as a judgment. I meant I was broken. I was broken. And you know, the irony is, is we all know the place that, you know, all of us who have touched that area in our lives, that brokenness. I love when a new guy comes in and he's got no more nothing. He's like, I'm, he's got tears running, right? He's got tears running down his face. And you say, how are you doing? He just goes, perfect. Right? Because, because we know that that's where we have to get to for the rest of this journey to fall into place. I am not going to do an inventory if I've still got an out, if I've still got like a little, if the construct's still running the construct, I'm in trouble. If that narrative is still, and that's why a lot of us don't do inventory. It is because we're listening to the thing we're trying to get free of. We get home, the sponsor says, now we're at once. And I'm like, is that in dog ears? Like, I wonder if, like, like the mind starts creating all these scenarios where right now is not a good idea to like do all the, I mean, I have a drinking problem. What the hell do I have to write inventory for? Like, like Julie said, I'm here because I drank too much. Anyway, so I'm writing. So let's, let's get down to brass tacks here with the inventory. How long do I have? Julie, an hour and a half? Here's what, here's a narrative. Who's usually at the top of the list? Thank you. Thank you. Mom. Dad. How dare they? Right? I'm resentful at mom. Actually, let me start off with my dad. I've never met him. I'm 54 years old. I have no idea if he's alive or dead. I tried to find him on social media. We've had some people try to find him to locate him. Because I just want. I just want to tell him I love him. I just want. I just want to tell him I love him. And I'm going to talk about the amends process later, but I can stand here before you and tell you how I feel about my father today because of the inventory process. What the inventory process did was snuff out the truth. The thing that I've been drinking over for 40 some years. And this is what an inventory sounds like. And this is what, this is what, this is what a narrative sounds like written in columns. And there's a part in the book that I think. I think is really important for someone like, at least like me is just before Bill gets into the columns. There's a sentence right above it. And it says, we were usually as definite as this example. I'll say that one more time. We were usually as definite. That kind of means like, like this as this example. And then right below it, he's like, I'm mad. I'm Mrs. Jones, you know, if we can snitch, you know, that, that, that, that. And there's not a fifth step. There's not paragraph. There's not. And you would think there would be at my father. But what came out was I'm resentful at my dad. And here's, here comes the second column. Here comes the narrative. He left me. He left me. Now I just got done sharing with you. I haven't talked to my father since I've been alive. I don't know where he is. I have no clue where he is. He left me. Sounds, sounds reasonable, right? Until you do inventory. What's that affect all seven areas of self. Absolutely. I brought that into all my, you know, what's funny, even after all the healing that's taken place over the years and inventories, I still see remnants of that, that I bring into relationship with me today. A hundred percent. And I joked about this last week when we spoke at a little thing up in New York, when my partner, Nicoletta, my teacher would come home and ask a really difficult question. Like. How was your day? I'm like, Whoa, that's deep. Like Jesus Christ. You just got home. Like can we kind of work into that? Like, but what is that? What I think a lot of, for me, I think a lot of that still is that another human beings trying to connect with me. And I'm afraid, I'm afraid I'm scared. You're going to hurt me. I'm afraid you're going to hurt me. Now that doesn't rule my existence anymore. That is not my reality. It was when I washed up on the shores of AA, there was no cross-reference. So I'm resentful of my dad. He left me. What's that affect all seven areas of self. And then we, you know, we turn the page and we look at the fourth column and where we saw was just on a self-seeking and frightened. And, and I'm never going to forget what my, my sponsor said to me, and this is very important. This is the, and I'm mixing, I'm going to mix five in with four to, you know, to save time. But, uh, what I didn't share with you guys is I have a. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, here it goes. I have to guess, I have a 26 year old son. I've never met now at the time he wasn't 26, but see, this is the, this is the importance of sharing ourselves with our sponsors and trying to be as raw as we can. It two weeks over. Uh, but one of the things I had shared with him over a meal was, uh, that I had a son that I never met. It's funny how that came out in the fifth step. And here's what it sounded like. It was a man with love and with compassion and understanding, at least during the inventory process. And I'm going, I'm resentful at my dad. He left me, and it affects my personal relationship, pride and self-esteem and sex relations. And by the way, let me touch real quick on sex relations. What I've learned over the years is we're not just talking about the bedroom. I have old prejudices when it comes to the sexes that men should and men shouldn't. Women should and women shouldn't. And I didn't even, you know what this thing about prejudice is? You don't know they're a prejudice until you walk through it and look back and go, Jesus, that was a prejudice. Like, I didn't even, I was carrying that stuff around with me. And where do we learn this stuff from? Really, where do we learn all these prejudices from? TV, commercials, Calvin Klein ads, a man should be this, a woman should be. Now, please. This is not my belief system, but this is what I grew up with in the 70s. Women should be barefoot in the kitchen. Look at the women. They're like. I said I didn't believe it. I hate that speaker. He was the worst. That's not what I believe. I'm telling you that's how I grew up. I heard those things. Good boy, bad boy, right, wrong, good. How'd I? But I will not promise you some stuff to beat him. That was his first business. And you don't run a Donald Slograph. Last time I spoke, he'd had people threw tear a couplegrunds and stuff, he'd say, shit's up in the ass. I'd say, shit is ws in the up. We can see from up that, hear me, what you know? This L merging this woman. That just could be a ten year period for a woman to do one thing. It's a ten year period to let yourself go to sleep. Like we become古代人. Watch me. Justées ou singers. Watch me. Poland ahor.umph and I should like what the what the hell does that even mean so I'm mad at my dad and uh and I carried that with me for years for most of my existence till I was 40 years old I got to see him 54 I got sober when I was 40 for 40 uh I mean I can't two and four doesn't count but probably from year from five to 40 years old I hated I hated my father he was a piece of he left me can't believe what he did to my mother and see here's the thing with the inventory there's nowhere in the inventory that negates the trauma that we go through there's nowhere in the inventory that says that stuff was right all it's really saying is is where are you in this that's what I love and again I'm not here to I really do love everybody no I don't all right I love most people in AA catch me out depends on what day it is um but but honestly seriously like you hear this in AA sometimes I was doing my inventory and then I got to the place where it talks about my part it actually doesn't say that at all in fact it's the polar opposite and again if that I'm not saying you're wrong by saying that I'm just just kind of I'm just look at it from a different angle what the book actually says is disregarding the other person entirely we look for our own mistakes we look for our own mistakes we look for our own mistakes we look for our own faults because if if you got a piece apart then there's no I'm not going to heal from that I've been licking at your part my whole existence what this is saying is is where are you in this disregarding the other person entirely and I love what it says it doesn't say we look for where I was a piece of crap because that's why I secretly felt all my life it says we look for our own mistakes oh I made a mistake and when my sponsor said that to me I said I'm going to let my dad for leaving me and he he looked over at me and you could see him thinking they got real quiet anytime a sponsor gets quiet buckle up my father left me he abandoned me that's a big word for us right abandoned he abandoned me and he looked over at me with a pause and he said don't you have a son you've never met I never saw that now you could have paid me I could be I could go to 900 meetings a week for 35 years and never see that never I was blown away when he said you think I would if anybody would know it would be me oh yeah I did I didn't even think because I was I was in such a bondage of an of a specific narrative that it wouldn't let me see the truth and if you live in that place long enough you're going to drink you will drink again the dishonesty that we're talking about the inventory process process isn't oh I stole this card and stuck it in my pocket if I'm looking at life through the egoic lens I'm dishonest because I'm not seeing it from truth and if I'm not seeing it from truth there's only one other door to see it from dishonesty and I was being dishonest around the relationship with my father and then we had a deeper conversation and he said well let me ask you this how old was your mother when she had you 17 17 I have a daughter that's six years old she's going to be 17 in like 20 minutes right you see I see it on Facebook all the time I don't know if I'm going to have time but that's one of the things I want to talk about that I'm wrestling with now with my daughter and by the way that was her when I ran out of the when I heard Nick let her go there goes my boyfriend and hearing this and he looked like is it mr. delане when I saw it was not a crazy thing and if I say no I fought off with my son and how anyone that's called a spiritual experience it is i'm seeing the truth oh gee i can't read this is embarrassing but an hour prior you're like sitting on the edge of your seat like at this mother and you know and then when you start to wake up spiritually like you got another man sharing his truth with you and he's sharing his experience and his inventories and he had the same stuff with his father and i'm going through my dad and i'm resentful he left me and he beat my mom which is true he beat us and you know all this stuff's going on i'm living by this narrative and just because it doesn't negate this inventory doesn't negate his behavior but what it does is it helps me see where i play a role in all of this not my part but where am i in this whole picture where am i how is that working out for you you're 40 years old and dying from untreated alcoholism you thought about killing yourself the day before you met me shannon sober how was that working out and then he hit me with it question don't you have a son and you know we started to break bread and have a conversation around that he said let me ask you a question if you could take back all the harm that you've done to all these people on this list and you could see your son and you could you know spend some time with him be a father in his life would you do it I'm like she's absolutely of course of course he would he goes I wonder if your dad feels the same way truth what so then we get to my mom I'm resentful at my mom she allowed this to happen she allowed my dad to she did this she allowed my father's to beat the crap out of me and my siblings and you know all the stuff that we we go through as children I used to say we weren't part of the Brady Bunch and then I'm like we were exactly like the Brady like they were drug I'm sick but right remember they grew up they started beating the news and everything so yeah we're exactly like the Brady Bunch but you know I'm like I'm not going to know what I'm resentful my mom the cause listen to these words she allowed my father to abandon me it sounds like a five-year-old boy something a five-year-old would say I'm saying at 40 on a piece of paper in my apartment she allowed my father to leave me what's that effect same thing right all seven areas of self and you know the truth is is a couple different issues for people and other parent-parents or whatever you know she was a myself now kinds of subdues figure out all these children coming home yours let that go I didn't want to ever feel like no you know I feel like and so what I say is if I look back and now that I'm awake to the truth is my mother was a child when she had a child she was a kid I'm a father now I get it if you would have told me at seventeen you're just a kid I'm you have a hell I'm a man no you're not you're a child and my mom a child did the best she could and my know exactly how it went but I definitely see it different and someone coming home you know my father coming home from maybe work one day or whatever the hell you're doing at 18 years old back in the 70s and he walks in the house and my mom who's a child goes we're gonna have a baby and he's like no we're not and he left he left and I think back looking back at my mom the way she must have felt she's scared she's a she's a woman who never had a relationship with her father her father sexually molested her her father physically abused her and my siblings I was just looking at a picture this morning on face look of my aunt Tracy thinking I'm not trying to get all but this is what my mother went through and I didn't see all this until the inventory process my sister Tracy blew her head off in front of in front of my grandfather her sister her sister her sister see I'm not I don't want to not share all this dark weird stuff because I see things I have what's called compassion now because of the inventory process I can put myself on my mother's shoes she didn't allow this stuff to happen to me she was behaving the only way she knew how at a time that any child would and she raised me at 16 17 18 years she was a teacher quit school she went and went work two jobs so that she could keep food in my belly she was a teacher quit school she went and went work two jobs so that she could keep food in my belly father my dad was like later and then fast forward over the years I come to AA and I'm like my father left me I did the same thing to my son and I wasn't even conscious of it I was he's still out there I don't know where he is how about fears anybody have any fears in here I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to answer that question we laugh right the nervous laugh you know and that's and I think a lot of you know and really the resentment really the seedlings of resentment is fear mental anxiety you know I don't I don't even look at fear anymore the way that I used to it's not that I don't experience it please I'm not up here today telling you I do not experience that I just look at it a little bit differently I don't look at you know fear is like if Chad and I were out hiking in the woods and you know a mama bear and some cubs walked up on us there's a natural innate gift that God gave me that prevents me from going aw come here cute little cubs come here because mama bear is going to rip me to shreds I have a that's fear I see that bear and I'm like Chad just slowly let's just step back and go push Chad towards the you know and then sorry bro love you but But that's fear. You know, if I'm swimming in the water and I see the thing come out of the water, right, I'm going to swim faster. I'm not going to swim towards the danger. That's fear. This thing that I got going on in my head that we, if you notice on the bottom of 76, anybody who's got a big book, I don't know if anyone's ever noticed this, that Bill put quotations around the word fear. How come he didn't do that with conduct and resentment? Because it's not fear. But it mimics fear. And it's a word that we're so, what's the word? What are we so with fear? We're so comfortable with it. We're so, you know, does that make sense? Like we're so attached to that word fear. That's why, but Bill put quotations around the word fear because, I mean, we all know what quotations mean, right? Yes, no, anybody? What's it mean? Supposedly, allegedly, not really kind of a roundabout. It's kind of fear. It mimics fear, but it's not really fear. Yeah. That narrative. That narrative ruled my life. I was afraid of everything when I got here. I was afraid of living. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of drinking. I was afraid of not drinking. I was afraid of cancer. I was afraid of, I mean, God, I remember being early on. I would wake up to go to the bathroom and I have a zit on my face. I'd be like, yeah, that's AIDS. Right? Yep, cancer. Some disease the doctors haven't even discovered yet. It was a zit. But I did. I just lived in this. I lived in this narrative all the time. I would be in relationships with women and the entire relationship was she's going to leave me. Wonder where that came from. She's going to leave me. She's 10 minutes late from work. She's out with somebody else. I'm not good enough. I'm not going to. I'm not going to be good enough. Romantically, sexual, all that stuff, right? It's all a narrative and none of it was real. And I love what the book says. It says, fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. It robbed me of everything. It robbed me of everything. I was so insecure in relationships. Please don't leave me. Even though I was miserable. Like, seriously, I would be miserable in these relationships. I mean, she'd walk in. I'm like, ugh. Honey, I'm home. Yeah, I know. But don't leave me. I'd rather, I'd rather, I would chalk it up. I would listen to this narrative, but I would say at least I'm not alone. At least I'm not alone. And then abuse her emotionally with my everything, with my little boy, accuse, you know, just the whole gamut. I would punish her because I was so unhappy and it had nothing to do with her. And then I would just, and what would end up happening is I would just bring all of that with me into the next relationship. And then I would get in the next relationship and here's the war cry of all alcoholics. This one's different. I can tell. She has a driver's license. She's only been to two detoxes. And I sell myself this bag of goods. I put us aside reality. I don't see the truth. And desperately what I'm doing is trying to recreate a relationship I never had with my mother. And I punish you for it because you're never going to fit the bill. And everything that I'm sharing with you now is hindsight. I could not have told you this in a relationship. And of course I drank again. Of course I drank again. So I only got a few minutes. I want to talk real quick. Now all that happy news is out of the way. I have a different relationship with the word resentment today. I used to feel that resentment was like, I'm angry at you. That's a facet of it. That's a layer of it. And I actually learned early on. It came back. Later on, I remember my sponsor and I were walking down 2nd Avenue in Manhattan. We were going to Bellevue Psych Center to bring in a commitment. And he made a comment. We went to Dunkin', got some coffee, walking on the sidewalk. And he goes, I haven't seen you hanging out with Rob in a while. He was one of my sponsee brothers. This is where I had a cool relationship with resentment, a new way to look at it. And I said, yeah, you know, I don't know. He's just not my cup of tea. And he's like, well, what do you mean? I'm like, you know, I'm kind of like, you know, trying to grow spiritually. And I got like a month sober. Right? I'm trying to grow spiritually. You know, he seems to kind of be doing his own thing. And, you know, my sponsor, like, I'm choked on his coffee laughing. He took the straw and he goes, that's resentment. I'm like, no, it's not. You know? Not real. I'm not mad at him. Resentment, centere means to feel. Re means to feel it over and over and over and over again. And eventually, when you feel something over and over again, eventually it becomes reality. And truth be told. I right now currently am resentful at my ex-wife, the mother of my daughter. I have thoughts towards her. It's not hatred. It's not anger. It's she should be acting a certain way in order for me to be okay. And by the way, in the third column, that's called security and ambitions. In personal. The whole gamut, right? When I ran out of here to go talk to my daughter. I FaceTimed with her. And this is the truth. I mean, anybody in my life knows this about my ex. Her journey and what she's going through right now. And her narratives. She plays a lot of games with my daughter. That's the truth. I don't get to see my daughter that much. She's six. And I miss her. She's my little guru. And what's the cause? Truth be told, shaving off narratives. She's not behaving the way I think she should. And I don't say that to be funny. I'm playing God. What's that effect? Bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang. And I want to. Because just to save time. I want to talk about where I'm dishonest in this. Myopic view of my ex-wife right now is. Where am I being dishonest is. And I shared with you a few minutes ago. That when I'm not looking from a place of truth. I'm looking from a place of dishonesty. There's no door number three. And truth is. Is I go on Facebook. And I see or I talk to people in a fellowship. That talk about how fast their childhood life goes by. Like one minute they're five. Playing with toys. And then they're asking for the keys to the Lexus. I actually saw something the other day. A co-worker goes. I can't believe my daughter's 21 already. And I have a story in my head. That tomorrow my daughter's going to be 21. And I'm going to be robbed of all these precious sacred years. While I'm still Superman in her life. And when I have those thoughts. And those feelings. And I'm driven by this narrative. The byproduct is I'm resentful at Jen. It's her fault. When the truth is. Yeah life goes by quick. But I just went outside. And talked to a six year old. She's six. And I love her more than anything in the world. And so that's what I've been wrestling with. And how does that affect my conduct? See that's another thing. Us drunks are kind of real static at times. We hear conduct. Right? Because it says now about sex. I don't look at conduct as sex. I think that's one of the facets of it. I look at. Mark Houston said this years ago on a tape. I'm like hmm. I'm going to write that one down. So I sound good when I speak. And he said maybe what conduct is. Is how we're showing up in God's kids lives. And when I'm nursing something like that. Against Jen. I bring it home with me. I can't be present. I can't answer a simple question like how was your day? That's how my conduct affects others. It's not just the bedroom. Affects that too by the way. And I don't say that to be funny. We were talking the other day. We're both going through shifts. And different things. And I'm like. And life's heavy right now. There's stuff going on. There's teachings going on. And I was talking to my sponsor the other day. And shared all this. I'm like I don't know why this is happening. He said because you asked for it in the third step. Oh yeah. I'm very blessed to be here. I'm very blessed to. I'm very blessed. You'd have a different guy here today. If it wasn't for the inventory process. And I love what Julie said. Drunks don't like to live a life of self-examination. We don't. We don't. Well. That's the truth. But I'll tell you. I'll end with this. That little girl that I bring up quite a lot in my talks. Because she means everything to me. With all this stuff that happened to me as a child. The physical abuse. The emotion. All that stuff. The abandonment. All that stuff. Because of you guys. And because of Alcoholics Anonymous. That little girl. God willing. To this day. Will never know what it's like to have her hands put on her. From anger. You know this. This process has literally broken generational curses. Generational. My father didn't know his father. His father didn't know his. I mean it goes on and on and on. I burn my life to the ground through vodka and orange juice. Want to kill myself. Come into AA. Find out what my real problem is. The root of my troubles. Wake up spiritually from that. And my daughter benefits from it. My daughter benefits from it. Other people's lives are at stake here. Not just mine. And that's what I need to remember. I want to continue to try to carry this into all areas of my life. And I know that I fall short. That's where 10 and 11 come in. I haven't risen above my human condition because I've done some step work. In fact, if anything, what it helps me do is see the human condition from a place of truth. And honor it. Dance with it. Play with it. We were saying this. If you can't laugh at your own predicament, you're in big trouble. Right? Have fun. We're here to have fun. We really are. We're here to see truth. We're here to walk each other home, like Ram Dass says. Right? That's what we're really doing. When I hear Nicoletta talk and Julie and Chad's amazing. I love all three of you. I really do. I love all three of you. I'm honored to be here today. I feel like the weak link of the bunch. I really do. I hear Julie speak and I'm like, great, I've got to follow that. And then she's like, girl, I've got to follow Nicoletta. You know? Right? We're all thinking the same thing. That's okay. You know? So I love you guys. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for listening about this thing called an inventory. And it's kind of cool. You do enough of this stuff. You get to a place where you realize that the inventory is not you. We're actually taking inventory of the false self. And that's where the freedom really begins. Because I wake up and realize that that's not me. And then I don't have to drink anymore. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you.