Steps 10 and 12 – Part 4 – Mark H. – FOTSNY – 2001

Yeah. I'm Mark. I'm an alcoholic. And we're going to talk about step three, which is making a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood him. If you want to open your big book up to page 60, there's a portion of the book which I always like to read, and I like to read it in first person. And I'd like you to follow along with me, because I think it really lets you feel what it's like when you're living a life based on self-will. But toward the bottom of page 60, it says, Being convinced of these ABCs, I'm at step three, which is that I'm going to decide to turn my will, of course, that's my thinking, my thought life, and my life, my actions over to God as I understood him. Well, what do I mean? What do we mean by that? And then what do I have to do? So there's two key questions to the third step. What do we mean when we say you're going to make that decision? And then the next one is, well, then what do I do? And we have to meet a requirement before we make this decision. And here's what it is. The first requirement is that I must be convinced that any life run in self-will can already be a success. I've always liked to stop there. And, you know, the exercise last night still ought to show you parts of your life. Perhaps in which your self-will, but I would encourage all of you just in this is current, not old stuff, is to ask yourself this. What parts of my life am I still trying to run on self-will? Now, there's an easy way to see that. Go back to the fruit. Do you have some areas of your life which are not producing fruit? My experience is if it's not producing fruit, there's self-will intact. So that's a way for you. That's a way for you to look at it. And what the book is saying is, Mark, before you do this, basically what it's saying is this. If you're not convinced of this, you won't do this. See? So I must be convinced that any life, any part of my life that's run in self-will cannot and will not work drunk or sober. And now the book is going to describe to you and I what it looks like and what it feels like when I'm living a life based on self-will. So see if you can, I mean, there's a part of me that just bubbles when I read this. It's so me. See? It says on that basis, living my life on self-will, I'm almost always in collision with something or somebody even though my motives are good. So you could look at your life and if you have some collision going on with some people, my experience is it's because self-will is involved with that. It goes on to say that I try and live by self-propulsion. I like to do visuals. And what that looks like to me, I get up. In the morning, I strap on a tank, a jet tank, and it says self-will and I fire that baby. You know, zoom around my home, zoom in my car, zoom around work, zoom around AA, you know? Just zoom. And it says that I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show. I'm forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, the rest of the players in my own way. And I want to give you a visual that'll help you when we do Theater of the Lie. Maybe it'll help you. Understand how you play God. But just imagine that you're in, say, in this. But of course, we like to play God. So I would have to be on a throne, have to be at least six feet up, looking down. And I'll tell you who should be out there. Who should be out there is everything I think that comprises my life. My three brothers and their families would need to be out there and all the employees where I work. And there's certainly a few people in AA that would need to be out there. And anybody or anything that is touching any part of your life that you're getting your sense of self from would need to be out there. So you're up on your throne. So I want you to think of that as we read this. So you're up on your throne and you want to run the whole show. And you're forever trying to arrange these lights, the ballet, the scenery, and all the rest of the players in your own way. If your arrangements would only stay put, if only all these people in your life was do as you wish, the show would be great. Can't you feel that? Can't you just feel that? You know, if your mom and your dad and your significant other and your members of your group and your sponsor and your employer and I mean, if they'd only do, can't you, you know, it just touches something in my heart. The next statement is an incredibly delusional statement. Everybody including yourself would be pleased. See, this idea that We think we know what's good for another human being is about as arrogant as you could ever come up with, right? But this is what Dave meant by delusion. See, we believe that everybody, including ourself, would be pleased. Now, here's an added problem to this. When I'm playing God is I have a script for everyone in my life. Unfortunately, I don't send it to them every morning. But yet it's in my mind. I've printed the copies. And then, of course, during the course of the day, one of them does not perform the role. And I want to call cut and redirect them to how they got off the script, see? But I've never given them the script. There's a term they use in psychology, passive-aggressive. We're experts at that, see? Everyone has a script, but we've never mailed it to them. But they don't follow it, but we're angry at them, right? And now it's going to describe my toolkit of self-will. I'm going to be very clear. I'm going to be very virtuous. That's one of my kits to get what I want. I'm going to be kind, considerate, patient, generous. I will even be modest in self-sacrificing. There are a few more tools in my kit of self-will. Mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. Now, when I came into AA and in my early years, my self-will, the tools I used were mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. The longer I got sobered and the longer I was without it, the longer I got drunk, my ego took on new faces. And then I just started to work with kind, considerate, patient, generous, modest, and self-sacrificing. I'm still trying to get my way. And it goes on to talk about what usually happens. So remember, you're up in the stage now, right? You all have your life. This show didn't come off very well. Now, when the show didn't come off the way that I think I want, then I begin to think, like, doesn't treat me right. So here's what I'm going to do. I am going to exert myself more. I become, on the next occasion, either demanding or gracious. See, I'm going to evaluate the scene from my throne. And I'm going to make a decision about the course of action I need to take to still get my way. And I'm either going to get demanding or I'm going to kiss ass. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. However it plays out, right? Check this out. Still, the play doesn't suit me. You know why? Because when you're God, you shouldn't have to either demand or you shouldn't have to either be gracious. It should just be happening. Right? See? And it bothers me that I even have to take the time to explain to you, you know, what it is you're not doing. Because I'm busy. It's bothersome to me, you know. And then, again, I'm going to go back into my toolkit a little bit. Because after all, I've got a little spirituality now. I'm going to admit that I may be just a tiny bit at fault. But I'm very sure that you are much more to blame. And the end result of that is then I'm going to become angry, indignant, and self-pitying. And I love the path. There's a connection between those three and the way they manifest. When my self-will is not going the way I want, the first thing I will experience is anger. That is always followed by indignant, how dare you. And then, ultimately, I always get into self-pity. That's the path. Well, what is my basic trouble? Here's what it is. Am I not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? This idea of alcoholics being people-pleasers. Now, I don't know if you've ever thought about this. I'll give you a consideration. For those of you who may think you're a people-pleaser. How can the root of your trouble be that you're selfish and self-centered and you be a people-pleaser? So if you're a people-pleaser, you're a self-centered. If you're a people-pleaser, all you're doing is using a toolkit of kindness to still get your own way. But you're still selfish and self-centered. You understand what I just said? It's impossible to be selfish and self-centered and a people-pleaser. There's only one person you want to please. Does that make sense? See, we are not people-pleasers, albeit we look that way at times. But it's our toolkit, right? I'm going to be modest and kind. Oh, let me help you to get what I want. Spiritual living is to go through life with no motive. Motive-less, see? You guys are just like me. The only time I do something without a selfish motive is by mistake. And now it's going to describe in that word that Dave's been talking about, am I not a victim, victim, he uses that word victim, of the delusion. Remember, a definition of delusion. It is a belief system held in spite of the fact that it has no purpose to give you. You are so limiting what God wants to give you, see? So this is the delusion that we're up against. I'm going to be satisfied and happy if I manage well. I'm up in my stage, and you follow me? And there's another litmus test about this. Look at the times in your life when you thought you were managing well, and ask yourself this question, did I still drink? Was I still unhappy? Was I still unfulfilled with my life? Even times in which I, quote, thought I was managing my life well, and you know the ducks are in a row, right? You had this idea, and for brief windows of time, it falls into place, but there's still so much missing, see? So that's the delusion from which I suffer. Now it's going to talk about other people and how they feel about me being up in the stage. Is it not evident to all the rest of the people in my life, these are the things I want? And do not my actions make these people wish to retaliate, snatching all that they can get out of the show? Am I not, even in my very best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? Well, that's a hard one to swallow. At my very best, I'm going to produce confusion. You know why? Because there's no consistency in us. That's why. We got one foot in, we got one foot out. One minute I'm demanding, the next I'm gracious. It's still always based on self. So we have no consistency. That's why the men and women who are in our life, who are not alcoholics, that's why we, at times it just seems like we're ripping their souls out. Because at our very best, driven in self, well, I create confusion, even with the best intentions. You follow? And we drive them crazy. See? Because they're not wired like that. They're not, you know, they have no frame of concept for how we come at things. We are self-centered, egocentric. And then they give some examples, and in Theater of a Lie, we'll go back to these. People, I got a retired businessman, right? He's lulling the Florida sunshine. And all he does is sit in the beach all day, complaining of the sad state of the nation, right? I have a minister who's going to sigh over the sins of the 20th century. I told the minister one time, if there wasn't any sinning, you wouldn't have a job, and you'd have to work for a living. Don't sigh over the sins of the 20th century. It keeps you gainfully employed. Do you see what's going on here, though? Oh, if they'd all stop sinning, you know? Just. Well, then you, good, you come to work with me. Oh, keep sinning. Politicians and reformers who sure all would be utopia, the rest of the world would only behave. The outlaw safecracker thinks society's wrong, and the alcoholic who's lost all is locked up. But whatever our protestations, are we not concerned with ourselves, our resentments, and our self-pity? And that sums up the pain and the suffering of our life, is we are absolutely consumed with ourselves, our resentments, and our self-pity. And now the book on page 62 is going to start talking to you and I about what's wrong with us, and I promise you that alcohol is not the problem. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of all of our troubles. When you're going, and then, I love this word, driven. See, I didn't know this. I'm asleep, dreaming, I'm awake, centered on Mark, selfish to the core. And when that is the case, I do not make choices in life, I get to go through life driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. Here's the way it looks. Limo pulls up in front of your house, and you go out and get in, the driver turns around and he says, good morning Mark, my name is Fear, and I'm going to drive your ass around today. And that happens all day long, and in the middle of it all, because I'm asleep, I'm telling you I'm making choices with my life. The next day, it's another limo driver, and he's self-seeking, and he drives me around all day. And then there's self-delusion, and then there's self-pity. And as the end result of when you go through life like that, asleep, dreaming, you're awake, driven, consumed with yourself, you are going to step on the toes of your fellows, column one. They are going to retaliate, column two. Sometimes they're going to hurt you, column three. Seemingly without provocation, I didn't do anything, why are you so angry? But you're going to invariably find that sometime in the past, column four, you made a decision based on self, column three, I'm sorry, which later placed you in a position to be hurt, column three. You know this old saying of what you put out, you get back? They start out describing the fourth column. I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, self-pity. I step on the toes of my fellows, column one. They retaliate, column two. They hurt me, column three. But I go back and I always find out I made decisions on self which placed me in a position to be hurt. All my troubles are of my own making. Think about that. These troubles arise out of myself. That's different from coming at you from the outside. They arise out of myself. And I'm an extreme example of self overrun riot, though I do not think so. Self-delusion. Above everything, I must be rid of this selfishness. I must or it, this selfishness, kills me. And you don't have to take a drink to die of your selfishness. Let me explain the connection between selfishness and alcohol. If this doesn't go, if you don't get off it, if you don't get off that stage, if you cannot love people exactly as they are, if you don't get concerned with loving them and about not being loved, if you can't be of service, if you can't be of an agent, here's what's going to happen. If you stay on that stage, what's going to happen is the world and its people are not going to do what you want. And you're going to get angry and you're going to get resentful. And when you get resentful, you become blocked from the only thing at certain times that keeps you from taking a drink. You lose conscious contact. You have a deep sense of separation. It makes you feel dis-ease, restless, irritable, discontent. And I know what will make that go away is a drink of alcohol. This is what we're up against, every one of us in this room. I don't care how long you're sober. This is what will take me back to a drink. This is what Dave and I looked at for nine hours. Our selfishness, see? Our selfishness. This is the root of our trouble. This is why we die of alcoholism. And I only know of one thing that will treat this. Four through nine. Work with 10, 11, and 12. Four through nine. Not one time. Many times. Because we're going to see some words in here that with God's help I can be entirely rid of self. See? See, your self-will cannot eliminate your self-will. The mind that brought you to AA that is consumed with itself is not the organ you go into to get rid of itself. You follow? So it says that we must or it kills us. And then our name is not in the next sentence. God, through these spiritual exercises, makes that possible. See? Your self-will cannot defeat your self-will. It takes the best of them. You understand what I'm saying? God makes that possible. See? And then it goes on to say that there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without God's aid. See? And you and I have moral and philosophical convictions, Gloria, but I can't live up to them even though I would like to. And I think we all know what that means. You know? I don't think anyone in here is any different than me. I have moral and philosophical convictions. I don't want to harm anybody. And I want to be kind. And I want to be loving. And I want to be tolerant. And I want to be non-judgmental. And I would like to love unconditionally. Unfortunately, I don't have the power to pull that off if there's selfishness within me. You follow me? So I have these moral and philosophical convictions, Gloria, but I keep falling short time and time and time again. And the reason is because I'm up against self. I'm up against selfishness. And I can't defeat that within me. Only God can. That's why I keep falling short in these moral and philosophical convictions. It goes on to say, Neither can I reduce my self-centeredness by wishing or trying on my power. See, we're back to the lack of power is my dilemma. I've got to have power. And I begin to see what has happened in my life as a result of trying to run on my power. It says I had to have God's help. See, do I know that? Do I see that? Do I realize that I have to have God's help? Then it tells you and I how we're going to get God's help. I'm going to quit playing God. I'm going to walk off that stage. And once I walk off that stage, as a result of the action taken in 4 through 9, I basically am saying, God, my life is no longer any of my business, nor is anybody else's. I am just here, God, to be of service to you and to my fellow human beings, to trust that you will have me where I'm at, doing what I'm supposed to be doing, whoever's supposed to be in my life. That I will do my best to love people, to understand people, to forgive people, and not concern myself at all, God, with whether they love me or understand me or forgive me. You follow? That's what this is about. This is how I get God's help. I step down off that stage and just sit out in the crowd. See, because I don't have a clue what's good or best or right for any other human being. And it goes on to tell you and I why we're going to do that. It, you and I, sitting on the stage, trying to arrange the world and A.A. and your family and D.D.D., does not work. See? The fruit of it all, right? How many of us in this room have done that? We charge at something head-on through self-will, and through a series of events, normally beyond our control, we let go of it, and lo and behold, it gets fixed, right? Us playing God just does not work. It does not work. And one begins to understand that, if you will. And now it's going to talk about this decision, and I'm going to have Dave talk about it, and then those who want to, I would like to consider that we say the third step prayer together as a spiritual body and maybe reconfirm this idea that we'd like to step off that stage. That we would like to be a part of and truly let God be involved in running our lives and the lives of everyone that we care about. And let God determine where we're going to be and what we're going to do and how it's going to look like. Mark read something on page 60. The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life on self-will can hardly be a success. For the big book lawyers in here, if there's a first requirement, what does that tell you? It's got to be a second. And on the guy that put them both down there, the second requirement is that we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. So you need to ask yourself before we go further to answer those two questions. Are you convinced that running your life on self-will isn't working for you? If we haven't done our job in step one, if we haven't slapped you with the hopelessness of losing your soul and you're not desperate to get out of that position and understanding that you need power, we've missed something. Because remember the first step. Because of the mental obsession that can come into my life and the hamster gets on the wheel, I'm screwed if I never pick up the drink because my mind can get that thought and I can't get rid of it. I can be obsessed with the concept and the idea of what the hell is a Zima? I've never had a Zima. You know? That billboard went up with that bottle and the drip stripping down it. Man, I was thinking, what the hell is a Zima? You know? I was probably, I don't know, 15 years sober and I'm driving down the road thinking, what's this deal? Mental obsession. I'm screwed if I never pick up another drink. If I pick up a drink, physical craving, I wake up the beast. And I'm screwed. And if I never ever pick up a drink and the thought of alcohol never comes back into my life, guess what? I'm still screwed. Because I have a spiritual malady that's going to get worse, never better in sobriety. My only defense is to combat it by growing spiritually along with it. I can offset my spiritual malady by growing spiritually under God. And then the two balance out. And power of peace, happiness, and a sense of direction comes flowing into me like I could have never imagined. You know? How many people have been in AA when somebody that's newly sober, their spirit is first awakened? And they're going, wow. And they went into AA and they're way too dumb. They share it with the group. Guys, guess what? I did this and oh, it's wonderful. And some old timer comes along and squashes them like a bug. Oh, that's just a pink cloud. You'll get over that. Guess what, guys? If you haven't seen it, what do I live like? You see my life. You see what I'm like. I'm not, and I don't want to present this as an image that I'm this way all the time. Uh-oh, power failure. I think we lost our circuit breaker. He gives us the choice. If we want to go off and have pain, He loves us enough to let us do that. He wants us to come and knock. If we knock, He opens the door and answers, and all the power, the peace, the happiness flows into us. That's what step three is, is making a decision and saying, okay, the decision that I'm making, let's go to the book. Let's take a look at the decision. So the next time that somebody asks you, what is the decision you're making? You can answer them. Let's go to page 62. 62 colon three. And remember what Mark read on 62 colon two. It starts out with the greatest, to me, the greatest promise in the big book. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making, right? Why is that a promise? Because if you're still living on the fact, let's say that you were molested at seven years old, and it was done by your uncle, let's say, and he's now dead, and you're wishing that he's just in hell suffering, and every day of your life you wake up, and that little crushed spirit, that little child that was you, that smiling, innocent creature, the reason you and your ego are blaming the way you are today is because of that uncle, guess what? He's got to come back from the dead for you to get better. He's got to crawl up to your altar and bow before you as God and swear that he's absolutely amazed at the harm he caused you and beg forgiveness from you, and then you'll consider whether you're going to forgive him or not. Right? If your problems are of your own making and you made the problem, he can stay dead, and you can still get free. And that's what we're going to show you when we show you inventory. We're going to show you how to unlock the key to your own heart and be able to go make amends to him for the harms that you've caused him in the process. Hard concept for most alcoholics to swallow. We can't get there because we don't have power. Right? We're still powerless. And halfway down 62, the third sentence down, it says, above everything, you think Bill Wilson meant that this is important? Above everything. We've got to get rid of our selfishness, which means we've got to stop playing God. That's the deal, right? But we can't do that on our own. God has to make it possible. So we really can't turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, can we? All we can do is make a decision to get the hell out of the way. All right? The reason that most alcoholics don't want to turn their will and life over to the care of God or even enter into that conversation is because they have a wrong conception of what God is. Well, if you go to 62,3, it says this is the how and the why of it. Remember? They're going to tell us how and why. Right? First of all, we had to quit playing God. There's our second requirement because it didn't work. Are you convinced of that? Are you convinced that you have to quit playing God? Hopefully, if we've done our job, you are. Next, what does that say? We decided. Here is the third step decision. What is your decision? That hereafter, in this drama of life, God is going to be your director. What does a director do for his actor? He tells him what to do. So you're making a decision that from this day forward, you're going to let God tell you what to do. You're going to stop playing God and start listening to him and say, okay, God, what do you want me to do? He's going to tell you and then you're going to go off and do it. All right? But wait a minute. We're powerless. He's going to tell me what to do. I better find some power. What's the next sentence? He is the principal and we are his agents. What is a principal and we are his agents? What is a principal and an agent? If you look at it, I like to use the analogy of an insurance company. Let's say I'm an insurance broker and let's say I work for State Farm. State Farm, they're the principal. I'm just the agent. I get my power from them. They have authorized me to go out and be their representative and write policies. You have a claim. You come to me. All I do is fill out the paperwork, send it to them and guess what? The power, the check, comes from them. It doesn't come from me. Right? That's the deal. We're going to say, okay, God, what do you want me to do? I'm going to go out and he's going to be the power. This is a promise that if I make this decision, he's going to empower me as his agent. I'm going to be an agent for God. Man, does that scare most alcoholics. It sounds too evangelical for them. All right? He is the father and we are his children. What does a father do for the child? Primarily, first and foremost, he loves them unconditionally. That's the different concept of a punishing God that you're going to get and they're going to put you in purgatory for the rest of your life. Real God, as I understand it, my experience is that God loves me unconditionally. I was watching a thing, an article, an interview with, and you heard me mention the name Jeffrey Dahmer yesterday. That triggers an image in people's minds and it was Jeffrey Dahmer's dad and they were interviewing him and he says, you know, I really absolutely, I can't express to you and he's got tears flowing down his face and he says, I can't express to you how much I detest what my son has become because of the decisions that he did. But he said, he's still my son and I love him. Unconditional love. That's what a father does for his children. What else does a father do for his children? He gives them what they need. He nurtures them. He cares for them. Provides their needs. So that's this decision. I'm going to go out and do what God said. Okay, God, what do you want me to do? Go out and do it. He's going to give me the power and he's going to give me everything I need to go out and do his will, not what I want. I want that second house. You know what? I'm going to spend the money in it for the second house. I must not have power there, huh? So maybe that's not God's will for me to have that second house. All right? What else does a father do for his children? If you step out of line, what does a father do? Disciplines. Discipline. The root word of discipline is disciple. He brings you back into alignment to be like him. A discipline is not a punishing. What is God? God is love. The discipline is he's going to lead us back to be loving, patient, tolerance, care, concern for others, service. That's the discipline that God's going to bring us into. How does he do that? Pain. We go the wrong direction. God says, I love you enough. Have a nice day. Then we come running back saying, ooh, that hurt. And what is God there doing? He doesn't say, the prodigal son, right? He doesn't say, you dirty bugger. You went out and you spent your inheritance and now you're coming back? What does he do? He says, hey, let's have a party. He's back. Thank God. I love him. I missed you. Where have you been? Love, tolerance, patience, acceptance, understanding. What a wonderful message this book carries for us. And all we have to do is make a decision. It's that simple. Step three is about making that decision. If we try to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, what kind of power does that? Oh, I think I'll let him. Have you heard that? First step, I can't. Second step, he can. Third step, I think I'll let him. Is that the most egotistical thing you've ever heard? That's alcoholic, man. That's me. So, what's the deal? The real deal is to take the third step is to make the decision. And I asked you before the break to think about what that decision was and I tricked you the same way the big book tricks you. So, what's the deal? The real deal is to take the third step is to make the decision and I asked you before the break to think about what that decision was. I asked you to make the decision without even knowing what the decision was that I was going to ask you. And the big book gives you the prayer and after you've taken the prayer then it says, you know, you might want to think well before taking the step. Oh, too late. I'm not going to do that to you. All right? We just got done talking about what this decision's about. All right? I want to read a little quote to you. It's from Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers. It comes from page 262, colon, zero. It says, the principles are there the steps are there the practices are there and the opportunities are there. If you do as the big book says then it is the same program that existed when I came in in 1939. The people who wanted to stay sober were the ones who did what the program suggested. Today the people who want to stay sober are the ones who do what the program tells them to do. What were they doing in 1939? If you go to the study edition you go back to those pages it says they got down on their knees. It wasn't an act of humiliation. It was a demonstration of commitment. The third step decision puts into place a commitment that we're going to follow on with the rest of the steps. How do you demonstrate to me that you've really made this decision in your heart? That you're really planning on taking the third step? The guys I work with I say, you know, I don't forget who, I steal from everybody but I stole this from somebody who said, can you count from one to nine? You know? You go through this decision. You prove it to me because I'm a foot man, right? I'm watching his feet. I'm watching for his actions. If he does four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, if he finishes with the rest of these steps he proves to me that he's made the decision. And then he enters into a spiritual awakening, a conscious contact with God and he can't help but to live in 10, 11, and 12 until he decides to go out and not make this decision again and then he's out into the pain and the loving Father's waiting for him to come on back. You'll hurt bad enough you'll come back and do another inventory. You hurt bad enough and you're restless and irritable and discontent you'll come on back. You know? The big book says we got basically two advocates. Pain and alcohol, you know? They'll bring us back into line. Alcohol is the great persuader. It'll beat us into a state of reasonableness. We don't have to go into that pain anymore. You know? No matter how bad you're hurting right now you never ever have to hurt this bad ever again. That's why your troubles of your own making is the greatest promise of this book. Make the decision. Follow through with the rest of the stuff and climb back on the pink cloud with me. Come on in. The water's fine. So what does the book say? The old manuscript says you get down on your knees and you offer yourself to your maker. So if you don't know it it's in the guide. It's on... It's in the big book on that page but it's also in the guide on page four if you don't have it memorized. For those who care to and some people may not care to your religion may permit it I don't know. But I say this prayer every day and when I do workshop I like to get on my knees and it'll take us a second to get arranged but if you guys are willing I'd love for you to get on your knees with me and then we'll say the third step prayer together. God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away the difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power thy love and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. How cool is that? What a deal. If you've never done the third step on your knees with a guy one on one let me tell you it'll change your life. I got a an email and a phone call not too long ago from somebody and they were living in a dark tunnel. Their area was Dark Tunnel AA and they reached out for help and you know it was like at the time it hit me and I really I had just finished writing inventory and I hadn't fifth stepped yet and I really didn't want to go do this deal you know and of course my ego was trying to back me off and I remembered of this prayer you know that I'm supposed to be there out where God tells me where I'm supposed to go I'm supposed to do the deal and I truly believe that I am responsible when anyone anywhere reaches out for the help of AA I want the hand of AA always to be there and for that I am responsible. You know and I thought well I don't want to have to go to where this person is and do this deal let me see if I can find somebody else and I made like 15 phone calls and talked to several people and I didn't have anybody in the area where they were to be able to help them and I tried to cram too much into the stream of life and it didn't work so I went down I fifth stepped with Mark and I came back and like the next day or the day after I said listen if you I'm willing to come and meet you half way I said if you can get yourself from where you are to Washington I'll fly down to Washington and I'll meet you so I flew down to Washington and this guy had gotten a friend from the program because he just lost his license the day before you know for DWIs and they drove him like almost three hours up to Washington and I went to the airport and flew down to Washington and we met and we said I looked at the driver the person that drove the car and I said where should we do this deal because I was going to take this guy through the steps and we both looked at each other and instantly we looked at each other and said the chapel so we went into the terminal and we walk into the terminal and we don't know where the chapel is so we just stand there for a second and you listen to the intuition it's over there start walking boom there's the chapel we walk in the chapel it's the minister's last day at the chapel in Washington D.C. in the airport he's going off to a new ministry we said hey we need a quiet place to talk is there a place and literally he says well I got a closet and it's full of Bibles he says if you move some of the cases of Bibles the three you can probably fit in the closet I said great so we go and we climb into this closet and we do this deal and we go and we get up to the third step and guess what we had to come out of the closet to take the third step and we climbed out of this closet and we're at the altar in this chapel in the airport in Washington D.C. if you've never been on your knees with an alcoholic I don't care whether you're in a closet wherever you are one on one and you're looking into somebody's eyes and you see the pain in their heart and you see them make this decision and then follow through the steps man that is a high that you don't want to miss because it's the grace of God in your life it's a gift and there's people in this program that don't want to do it I was guilty of it I didn't want to do it but I understand that when the hand of A has to be there if I can't get somebody else's hand my hand's going to be there because that was the gift somebody was there for me you know do this deal with people and I highly encourage you I don't know how it affected you to get on your knees because you're in a group but you can also kind of hide in the middle of the group one on one there's no way to hide and men don't like to get on their knees with each other and pray that's kind of but let me tell you every time I've done it it's been a wonderful wonderful deal so that's my experience and I hope you felt the change here whether it's subtle or not be awake for it something has changed whether you realize it or not you just got on your knees and if you made that decision in your heart that you want God to tell you what to do and you expect Him to empower you to do that and for Him to treat you like a loving Father guess what that little two year old that little kernel inside your golf ball it's coming out it's coming out of the closet we're going to unwrap the windings with the rest of the steps and get down to that kernel of love so that you can shine in other people's mirrors and get the love back alright I'm going to turn it back to Mark take a 15 minute break and we'll see you back here then you know on the break and I really appreciate the people that talk to me on the break because you guys are my mirror you're doing exactly what I asked you to do and obviously from the comments I'm getting back is a lot of the women feel like I keep talking about men everything has to do with a man well that's because I am one most of my work is working with men in the steps I used to work with women I don't anymore and I shared that with somebody this morning and there's a reason for that I was long term sober and I realized that going through these steps you get a bond a spiritual bond at a level of intimacy because of the fifth step stuff I call it a fifth step box I mean you talk about all kinds of stuff that it just takes you to a whole different level if you've experienced it you know what I'm talking about and it suddenly occurred to me that I was violating my own wedding vows you know because I stood up on an altar with my wife and I said I would love honor and cherish her and I wasn't being honoring I was having an intimate relationship at a level with other women that I should really only have with her and I sensed it in her because I could see that she was upset by the fact that I had these relationships that were at the same level as my relationship with her and it was it was almost as if I was crapping all over what we had the specialness of what we had and so I made another vow to her that I was not going to work with women I will steer them in the right direction and I'll help them in any way I can but there's certain stuff that I draw the line and since that time forward I have not heard women's fifth steps you know that goes in a fifth step box that's a level of intimacy and there was a time in AA where there wasn't that much there weren't that many people with experience but that's not the case now there's enough people working this deal that the women can help the women and how else are you going to have the experience if the women keep running to the men to have the experience then the men are going to still increase their level of experience and the women aren't going to have it sharing it with each other there's another thing another aspect is that as alcoholics we tend to gravitate towards the towards where our sexual dysfunction has been in our disease so my sexual harms on my sexual inventory is with women and first thing I wanted to do when I came to AA was get a woman sponsor you know and have her take me through and that's not all I was looking for so there's a reason that we need if your sexual harms are whatever gender your sexual harms arena is chances are you should have a sponsor and I'm not saying this is a hard and fast rule this is my experience you should have somebody because you probably have a hard time having relationships like I used to have a terrible time having relationships with men I didn't trust them I didn't want to me they were competition they were going after the same thing I was going after no way am I going to let them know what I'm thinking you know that might destroy my chances of success you know that's item number one item number two is I use the term I use an example about molestation and we talked about the guy coming back from the dead and we all laughed that is funny that our ego can get us into a position where somebody has to come back from the dead for us to get better that's what the humor was I wasn't making fun of molestation anything any kind of harm like that is abominable it's atrocious alright I wasn't trying to diminish that in any way and if I've harmed anybody and I offended anybody by all means please come see me and and we'll square that because I don't want to have any spiritual harm with anyone today if I affect you with anything and that's a very powerful effect the people that get touched by that it's God talking to you there's some unfinished business in that arena and it it's very sensitive today I understand that people cannot harm me the true essence of what I am is love and they can't harm that when I say somebody harms me what have they done all they've done is gone into my ego and they've pointed out a blemish on my mirror they've touched a hurt that's already existed in me and all they did was touch it and half the time they don't even realize that they reached in and touched it you know and then I react and say you harmed me and all I did was give them my power because why my problems are of my own making if I can go in there and clean off that blemish off my mirror then I can shine pure love and that's the deal you know so once again if I've harmed anybody if you're reacting strongly remember what I read in the very beginning anytime you get that strong of a reaction God's pointing you it's a bull's eye come in and take a look at this some more and it's probably something that you may have worked on for years if you're survivors of molestation I know that most of them it wraps them for years and years and years and they go to therapy and they do lots of intensive work on it but there's I know people that have been molested in this room and they can laugh about it today they can smile and the past the promise of the big book has come true their past is one of their greatest assets that they own today they gave it to God they've cleaned up the mess and nobody in the world has the power to go in and touch that and make it hurt them again except them you know if they want to choose to use that as a weapon against themselves again they can go back and do that there is the ability to have true freedom and I don't care what your harm was whether it was sexual harm if it was acts that you did you know when you're out drinking you put the brain to sleep and bizarre stuff happens sex with animals we do all kinds of lovely things that we that guilts us for the rest of our lives until we do 12 steps and you can be free of that you know I'm free of the stuff I did in my past you know and you can too you can climb on the pink cloud with me and we're about to show you how to do that so let me turn the mic back over to Mark and once again I mean it with all my heart if I've harmed anybody in any way the reality is I haven't harmed you all I did was touch something unknowingly in you and for that I'm sorry I caused you pain but that's part of the purpose here is for us to be mirrors to each other let's use that to move better so we both become better at this deal thanks I'm whoa after that car I'm Mark I'm an alcoholic that was a rush man didn't have to do dope to get that either what a deal where's uh where's Sidney Sidney Dave's reference to gender uh I was working with Sidney a little bit on the phone and some stuff and he had inventory and I finally heard myself saying to him I said you're really attached to the color of your skin aren't you and he said what I said well your whole inventory is about the color of your skin I said do you really think that's who you are I said I want you to sit with that see gender see I I'm not my body I'm not my mind my ego's sole function is to use every means available to separate me it will use gender it will use skin it will use age it will use every tool it can to have me separated from you you keep doing this work long enough and one of the things that you're going to realize one day is that you're not your body and you're not your mind I mean if we all in this room died tonight in 50 years from now they went to look at our bones I'm not sure but I don't think they're going to be able to tell what color my skin was and yet I go through life with this idea that I'm the color of my skin whether that's Caucasian or Hispanic or African American uh I guess from bones they could tell the gender but that's about it uh you do this work long enough Sidney you do enough work with inventory you start to get free of these ideas I when I hear Dave or I hear anyone talk I never hear gender uh that's a uh that's another idea I had to get free of uh that I'm separate see now there was another piece uh young lady I think Kathy talked to me about the use of the word father and I've told you earlier that I'm much more like Thomas Merton when it comes to the second step I'd prefer just to meditate 50 minutes and go on to the third step uh the deal in spiritual living is don't get caught up on the word that you use for your higher power what you're trying to do is experience that which the word is pointing you toward you understand what I just said see it doesn't matter what the word is whether the word is higher power or God or Father or Jesus or Buddha or or nothing the goal is can you experience that to which the word is pointing you understand what I'm saying see that's why we're here today see that's why words are such are so limited relative to um this thing about God and we happen to be raised in a culture um what are most of the words about God they're male dominated words aren't they he him you know I I kinda there's a neat movement around goddess she I think it's great you know see that's what we ought to do as men now we start talking about God we ought to switch that that'll really mess some people up right I prayed to my goddess this morning of course they would think that would be a wife or girlfriend wouldn't they so uh see I'm not attached to any word God is far beyond the word and the word is is is not my methodology of defining or experiencing uh you know God I the view you know the donkeys we ride up to the summit you gotta dismount when you get to the top and the view is the same so again don't don't attach to the donkey see so those are a couple comments I wanted to make on uh some of that stuff I wanna give you a little uh history on theater of the lie that we're gonna do um because theater of the lie was absolutely uh a key piece uh in me uh getting to experience the death of selfishness which is at the heart and soul of my my troubles uh after I uh got moved to Texas um see I think about this yourself those of you who have been moved there are times I really think I'm involved in these choices about moving and stuff see and then down the road I realized I had no choice uh but I I guess there's a part of my ego that likes to think I did but when I got moved to Texas I went I was in a small community of about 18,000 uh people where's where's Chris at where's my pal Chris alright and uh he'll tell you this it's just the truth I got to that town and uh uh I I kept looking for AA I don't know what I was looking for I don't know what I was sitting in but it wasn't AA and uh um there the few people in that town that had any time they had just started their own little group and so there was just this one clubhouse and and uh myself and Chris and about two other guys took over a Monday night meeting started with four people and uh gosh I guess by the time I left there that meeting would be 80 strong on a on a Monday night but uh the deal was I'm in this town now and uh I don't have any elders around me and uh there just weren't people there or anything I wanted so uh all of a sudden what am I left with I'm left with my big book and I'm left with uh books uh step 11 books of many different kinds uh and tapes you know uh uh that's why I taping for me is uh is an awesome thing because I can't even begin to tell you the the the help that I have gotten via tapes in my car and uh anyhow I was sent a set of tapes uh by a man who virtually uh doesn't believe in tapes uh ha ha ha matter of fact if you get an average kid's chance to listen he'll walk up and just beat the heck out of the recorder you can't know God through this tape boom boom boom you know so at any rate thank thank God I got his tapes uh so so I get these and he starts doing this thing called theater of the lie with inventory and uh he showed me inventory in a way that I had absolutely never ever seen before and I began to experience uh uh inventory and I began to have a tremendous amount of fun with inventory and I began to get a tremendous amount of freedom from my selfishness and self-centeredness so uh I started to work with that probably in 1992 and then along the way uh one day or one time I was asked to do one of these things and next thing I know I was just up doing theater of the lie um I want to tell you something about writing inventory there's only one way you get experience with inventory write a lot of inventory uh I don't know how many pieces of inventory I've written since 92 um somewhere between 50 and 100 now understand I stay pretty current I don't have these long lengthy inventories right um uh and I don't know since 92 I have probably read somewhere between I would say I've read inventory at least 30 to 50 times I have probably listened to uh in the past nine years I strongly suspect I've listened to well over 300 fifth steps so if you want to get experience do it right so when I first started writing inventory inventory seemed somewhat difficult for me uh I also uh turned it into a uh emotional exercise which is not the instructions in this thing right um so keep in mind that theater of lie is just a it's a tool right it's just a tool it's another method to maybe help us understand inventory so once we get done with that third step decision if you uh if you want to open your big book page 64 it talks about although this decision was a vital and crucial step that decision will have a little permanent effect unless it once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us from God see God is right in the center of your being your beingness if you will and you are blocked from God and and so be clear on why you're going to write inventory you're not writing inventory to become a saint you're not writing it to become a better person you are writing it to face and be rid of that which has you blocked from the powers you so desperately need based on your first step experience that's why you're writing inventory period there is no other reason because you need power you realize you need power so that's what we're going to do we're going to write some inventory to face and be rid of that which has me blocked from God and then of course on page 64 the wisdom of the big book by this time with the doctor's opinion we've read 74 pages worth of information and now they tell me that liquor is but a symptom it's not my problem now that creates a lot of confusion see I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous and I came to you because I thought I had a problem with alcohol see and I'm around and I'm doing this stuff and I get to this page and they go oh and by the way alcohol is not your problem it's a symptom now I'm not a rocket scientist but I know when I go to a doctor he asks me questions I present symptoms but that isn't what he treats he treats the problem see but the wisdom of the book was such that they're going to get me locked into this 74 pages before they tell me what my problem is and it's not whiskey see they've told me earlier it's your selfishness and self-centeredness see if you're sitting in this room you think your problem is alcohol you won't get any better because the solution if your problem is alcohol is just don't drink I don't know about you but when I just don't drink I get worse not better because now my selfishness runs unabated and the places it puts me in that creates so much pain I don't have any anesthesia for it you follow so now we're going to get down to causes my second column in conditions and if you look up those words when it says a condition it refers to a state of being and what I'm going to show you in Theatre of the Lie and a little bit later the big book uses the idea that you and I have stage characters and remember a little bit earlier we alluded to the businessmen he's down in the Florida sun and then he's complaining right see and I'm going to show you these stage characters if you will and it goes on to say well we're going to do this step four we're going to try and discover the truth disclose damaged or unsaleable goods get rid of them properly so it begins to say that I'm going to do the same thing now I'm going to search out the flaws in my makeup which caused my failure do you notice how the big book at this time is turning the spotlight directly on us see I'm going to look at the flaws in my makeup which caused my failure earlier all my troubles are my own making see every drunk including myself I haven't really cared for these words because that means I got to take complete responsibility for my life doesn't it you understand what I just said who in this room wants to take complete responsibility for their life see not most of us not most of us and it talks about well I'm going to search out the flaws in my makeup which caused my failure theater of the lie is I want to show you your makeup if you will which caused your failure and then they talk about self and how self manifests the three inventories are just going to show you how self manifests now I want to go back to the definition I gave you that I'll use from say Eckhart Tolle in terms of ego the definition of ego mind made false sense of self mind made false sense of self meaning my sense of who I am is created by my mind and when that happens my sense of self is always derived externally based on the stage character my mind has manufactured and that I believe that I am I'll give you an example I'll use myself first I'm a man that's one I'm an alcoholic and a cocaine addict that's two I'm a sober member of AA I'm a jock see see there's a part of me that's Rambo you know you haven't seen it this weekend but it's lurking you come at me the wrong way and I'm asleep you'll get a chance to meet Rambo there is the spiritual mystic to be he's evolving I'm a writer so there's that part in me right I have a lady in my life so I've got that state of being and then I am my money you know that's about ten of them and I'll just take one of them for example being a sober member of AA what do I need to be to exist to be a sober member of AA well I need to not drink right how many of you are married raise your hands or in a relationship okay if you're a husband and or a wife what is for example does a wife need to be to exist needs a husband so what I want to show you and what inventory is all about let's say that you're a wife and let's say that the husband comes home one day and says I don't want to be in this marriage anymore now you don't just take that as if you were in fit spiritual condition here would be your response God bless you go in peace however however that is not what we do and you know why because when I hear that what I experience that as is I am fighting for my life I have a sense of self called say a husband or if you're a woman a wife and if the husband says to the wife that I want to get out of this marriage and you're identified and you really think there's such a thing as a wife that man just said that you don't exist and you are fighting for your life that is how you experience it in your emotions in your heart in your mind and in your body you are fighting for your life and this is the tragedy of the ego this is why so few of us ever get sober stay sober and die sober because we have what's called a mind made sense of self and we think who we are is based on everything that is external you understand for years my life was built on external I had the same job my first eight eight and a half nine years in recovery I quit that job and a year and a half later I almost committed suicide let me tell you one of the major reasons why I was working 60 to 80 hours a week about 90% of my entire identity was tied into that job and I did not know that but about a year and a half later when I want to commit suicide I for the life of me cannot figure out why well I know why today you know you watch relationships in or you watch people leave you you lose jobs and you watch them go into deep depressions some of them commit suicide they do the most insane thing see I thought I was my job in other words I had a sense of self that said this is who I this is what I do you follow this is very real real stuff so when we are going to write inventory what you're going to do is make a list of resentments right you're going to list people and you're going to list institutions and principles that's column one and then column two you're going to put why are you angry at these people and then in the third column I'm going to talk a little bit about that I'm going to talk about the seven areas of self that are hurt threatened or interfered with but I think the easiest way is I want to get a volunteer and quite frankly it doesn't matter who volunteers I could pick any one of you and we get the same results so if anybody would like to volunteer let me ask this does anybody have a resentment recently about a relationship maybe that ended those are always so much fun come on up it's Kathy right come on up okay go ahead and sit down in the chair alright now here's what we're going to do we need to develop her cast of characters right so one of them is you were the girlfriend or were you married or what I was the wife yeah I got to hold the mic I was the wife okay so I need come on up here you're going to be the wife I'm just going to have you guys surround her and I want to show you something now so you come over here you be the wife and I'm going to throw things at you and your only response is that you're the wife that is your role right nothing else exists you're the wife what does a wife need to be well I need a husband right I need to be married you follow me okay your existence is predicated in other words here's what happens when you attach to these states and you think it's who you are you just create a third column in which you write out what a wife needs to be to exist and anything that hurts threatens or interferes with that you experience it as fighting for your life so we've got the wife now you've been were you sober when the wife had this problem right were you in AA or were you drinking well when we split well your marriage ended yeah were you in sobriety then yeah okay so we need you come on up and you be Miss AA right yeah I want to show you something I want to show you what this woman was up against in this deal so we got Miss AA now every woman has a Xena in her right you come up and be Xena yeah trust me it'll be easy for you guys to play these roles so you're Xena now are your parents still alive my mother is your mother's still alive so I need a daughter you come on up and be a daughter let's see do you have any children no okay no children alright do you work yes okay so I need a female worker Amy come on up okay that's a good enough start just to work with this piece of inventory now go back to what I said the definition of ego a mind made false sense of self okay she has created her mind has created this cast of characters and she believes this is who she is she believes and every one of these cast of characters exists only into something outside themself right so for purposes of what we're going to do here I'm going to have her I'm going to have her give me some information in the second column about this husband and then I'm going to get responses from these five people and I'm going to show you why we drink and I'm going to show you the conflict that we're in all of the time from the time we get up till the time we go to bed okay so you got to remember your roles then right so you're the daughter the daughter yeah so you're any responses to anything are going to come as though you're talking to your mother you're the daughter of course you're the wifey poo right yes okay and you're Miss A.A. the spiritual woman who very calmly would say honey I love you unconditionally like David's been talking about go in peace right and then we have Zena Zena who has a little bit different feeling than the spiritual woman she would like to take that sword and a bobbing deal you know what I'm saying yeah okay and then we have the career woman okay now I want you to give me the second column in other words you got column one right is mister so give me column two tell me why you resent mister so many reasons of course how long were you married four years okay four years I got I'm going to paint another picture so you understand this this is powerful stuff this is real inventory is fun but you come into A.A. and if you drank like I did here's the great thing you drank all these people up you know what the pink cloud is the pink cloud is is that you have drank all up in the air and you drank all these people up you know what the pink cloud is the pink cloud is is that you have drank all up in the air and you drank all these people up you have drank all up those false states of being that mind made sense of self you finally are experiencing for a brief period of time who you are a spiritual being walking around in a space suit called Mark but you're not Mark you have a true sense of self that comes from within slowly in recovery as God brings things into your life these people start showing up including the little wifey poo and then she begins to think that that's who I am and that defines who I am so give me some second columns on why you resent him so I resent that he left when I was trying to get better okay I'm going to stop there so here's the deal she's trying to get better he comes home and he says to her I'm leaving okay I want you to check out the responses of these different states what was your response when he said I'm leaving oh shoot don't go okay she's the wife he says to her I'm leaving what is he really saying to her he's not saying he's leaving he's saying she doesn't exist she's going to say a little bit more than don't go you follow me what are you going to say what are you gonna say to him go to hell that's Zena actually that's Zena no I'm gonna be Zena no yes see she wants to be Zena apparently that's the докipBook here's what I want you to here's the feedback for you to give me you're the wife, what do you need to be to exist you need a husband and he just said to you he wants to leave how are you going to react to that in addition to don't go what else, please stay, I love you I need you, right you follow, you see that response to that bingo when he said I want to leave she experienced that as he said to this in which she now has an identity you don't exist she is fighting for her life we drink over this she's fighting for her life you follow now we'll give it to Zeno how do you feel about what he said he said I'm leaving, what's your response go ahead, leave and there may have been a few other things thrown along with that Zeno's the one who says things like I didn't really like you anyhow and if you were a real man you follow me, Zeno some of you women that have made amends for things you've said, that was Zena you know, I'm going to emasculate this man I'm going to do this that's Zena, right now you've got to call and tell your family don't you, you're the daughter right, what's the daughter need to be to exist, the mother needs to think that she's doing well with her life and she's going to be happily married and so you're probably going to call your mother and be what little little what little weepy oh yeah, I can't believe he left me how could he do that to me I did everything for him I did the best I could now let's go to the wife now I want to go to the wife see, good, you see, we're getting the role and here's what happens she's going through all this shit in about 10 minutes, see now I want to get the wife and the wife is going to call her friends in AA I can't believe he left the victim, the victim's wife oh yeah, I'm nobody without him how am I going to pay bills stay ahead now watch this conflict occasionally the spiritual woman is going to jump into the picture here so how would the spiritual woman handle if a man wanted to leave it's going to be okay there'll be somebody else that'll come along eventually and God bless you, go in peace and I think that's what's going to happen I trust God and I rely on God and don't drink and go to meetings see, right one more minute now we've also got the person working right so I imagine your income got impacted by this, right when he left it's better it's better it's better it's better she's probably going to say I'm glad that SOB's gone for God's sakes he never could manage money anyhow, right what do we got we got okay we're going to just stop for about one minute and I want to come back to this he's going to switch