Springtime in the Ozarks Big Book Study – Part 2 – Chris S. and Charlie P. – Eureka Springs, AR – 2010 — Chris A.

You know, it's just easy. The alcoholic is almost, you know, predestined to become lazy and to not be diligent about the disciplines that they need to be diligent about. You know, we're all that way. And, you know, one of the sad things that has happened around my area up in the Northeast is many, many, many, many groups have just become fellowship-based groups. They're very rarely participating in service functions. It's more about, you know, you just go to the group and you have the coffee and you share and then, you know, we'll see you back here next week. And there's not a lot of involvement. And the recovery stuff is ignored a lot of times also. They're, you know, for one reason or another, some groups like have just gotten away from the circle and the triangle, away from a balanced program of recovery. And, you know, I'm not even saying that's necessarily a bad thing. There can be people who thrive on fellowship-based. It's sobriety. But I know for a fact that there are people who need more than that. If they don't participate at a deeper level in the recovery process, if they don't get active and develop a service ethic, what's going to happen is their spiritual condition is going to corrode and deteriorate to the point where if they don't pick up a drink, their quality of life is really in the toilet. I mean, I think we all know people who... If they would be doing more, they'd just be way better off. They'd have a higher quality of life. You can recognize them up in our area because, you know, it's like the cranky guys, you know, in AA, you know. You know, they got the vein on their forehead popping out. They've got a resentment about something, you know, that they want to share about, you know. And, you know, those are the individuals who they would be thriving in a much more significant way. If they had a balanced recovery program, meeting step service. You know, and sometimes it's very difficult to tell somebody that they're falling short, you know. You don't go up to that cranky guy real easily and say, hey, get a program, you know. They've been sober 30 years, you know what I mean? And so sometimes it can be really difficult. Really difficult. But, you know, what we can do, you know, what we can do is we can take responsibility for our own. Recovery. Now, if you had diabetes, say, you are responsible for taking, you know, taking insulin. If your liver is giving out or something, you're responsible for going in and getting, you know, that treatment that you need to get. What is that? Interferon. Whatever. Whatever. Anyway. I missed the disease. You're in, it's your responsibility. If you don't, you know, it's not, you're not going to say, oh, well, you know, the final four basketball game is on tonight. You know, I don't think I'm going to go in to get my, you know, my chemotherapy or something. You're just not going to do that. You're going to take responsibility for your illness. And it's just so easy with alcoholism to be able to pass that on and to not take responsibility for it. One of the things we need to get. And I think that's what we need to be diligent about is taking responsibility for our illness and participating in the meeting steps and service. It's not always about what we know. And it's not always about what we think. It's more often about what we do. What are we doing today about our alcoholism? One of the things that I do for a living is I'm in the media. And what I do is I interview people. I interview people on a twice-weekly basis from the treatment fields. And these individuals who are the clinicians and they're the scientists and they're the people that own the treatment centers and they're the medical directors and the clinical directors of all of these really fine places. And they really do understand a whole lot. And the best of them understand that without meeting steps and service, you know, we get into trouble. Right. They understand that there's a scale of alcoholism. They understand that there's a heavy drinker and that there's a real alcoholic. And they basically call that being an alcohol abuser. That would be the heavy drinker. And alcohol dependent. That would be the alcoholic. You know, these clinicians really do realize it. But I was interviewing this guy the other day and he threw some statistics at me. And the statistics basically were that if you go. . . If you go in for treatment for alcoholism, there's a small chance that you'll be sober in five years. Something like between 3% and 7% chance that you're going to be sober in five years. However, if you do a fourth and a fifth step, your chances of being sober five years out are over 60%. And this is coming from like a clinical, you know, a clinical perspective. They've done these studies. Now, what does that say? What does that say? It's basically saying we need to participate in our own recovery process. And, you know, step three at its most basic is I'm all in. I'm all in. You know, okay. You know, show me what to do. Where are the four-step forms? You know, I'm ready. I mean, that's basically what the third step is. I'm going to pass it over to Charlie. Charlie, do you have anything more? Do you want to go right into the third step or you want to go right into the fourth? I'd like to touch on one little thing. I've had two levels of experience with the third step. And going to page 60 in the book, when we read that A, B, and C at the end of the most often read and least listened to portion of the big book, you know, how it works, you know, we finish with that A, B, and C, you know, and God could and would if you're sorry. And don't get me started about the chanting. I just. I just want to say that it's optional. You know, if you're just coming out of treatment, you don't have to chant, God could and would if you were sorry. It's optional. Same with keep coming back. It works if you work it and you're worth it. So work it. You know. Well, could I go on that one for a while? You know. No opinion. I don't have any opinion. You know, but of course, God knows I judge no man. But I worry sometimes about the new guy coming in and we're chanting like a bunch of kids. It's summer camp, you know, but there we go. Another topic. But back to this A, B, and C, it says A, that we're alcohol and could not manage our own lives. B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. And C, that God could and would if he were sorry. And the next sentence says, being convinced we were at step three. Being convinced of what? Of A, B, and C. So it tells me that A, B, and C basically contain a condenser. And I'm not going to go into that. I'm going to go into that. I'm going to go into that. I'm going to go into that. I'm going to go into that. I'm going to go into that. So I've got this version of one and two. That I'm alcoholic. By now I should know what it means to be alcoholic. And what they mean when they're saying I can't manage my own life. But here's the piece, one of the things that I see that I think is a little bit of a mistake. It's a big mistake. And it happens a lot in the fellowship these days is taking somebody from, are you powerless over alcohol? Yes. Do you believe that there's a chance that this power might help you? And one of the things I say a lot is I used to think that it was. think if zero was there is no God and 100 was total God consciousness, I used to think you had to get all the way over to 100 to stake step two. But all step two says is am I willing to believe that possibly there might be something to the right of zero? Is it possible that there could be a power that can take me beyond where I am now? I think we can waste a lot of time in step two trying to define the power, trying to figure out exactly what the main thing I need to be convinced of is that my power ain't going to get the job done. And is it possible that this power you guys are talking about could do it for me? But the big mistake I see is if we take a guy right from that admission and say, okay, now let's pop down on our knees and do the third step prayer, I miss an enormous piece of work in pages 60 to 63. And I missed it for a long, long time in sobriety. And what happened was I worked a program based on abstinence from alcohol. It was shocking news to me to figure out that the problem with alcoholism is not alcohol. You know, and I mean, I'm sober. I used to be embarrassed to admit it, but I was sober 17 years. And I'm reading the book one time and on page 19, it says, we feel the elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us. Our respective homes, occupations, and affairs. When you work in a program based on not drinking, how can anything be more important, a more important demonstration of our principles than the elimination of my drinking? You know, I thought if you don't drink, you get an A. You know, now it's, now don't get me wrong for the newer, it's a key part of working a program. You know, I mean, it's, it's really, really important, you know, but, but it's not the finish line. And, you know, and, and I sat there on this, on this page, you know, where it says, is he not a victim of the delusion that he can rest, meaning seized by force, satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well. I spent 17 or 18 years managing my tail off in sobriety, running up against the wall, blowing up marriages, overdrawn, you know, nutty, what we like to call stark raving sober. You know. And, and because I had missed this piece of work, and were you going to touch on the self piece? No, I'm good. Okay. At, right after that A, B, and C, it says, now the book earlier on, it has promised me clear cut directions. It says, you know, further on, clear cut directions are given, showing precisely how we recovered. So, it's not vague. It's going to, it's going to really lay it out for me. And when it says we're going to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, I don't know about you guys. But that was a little heady for me. It sounded like churchy talk, you know, just, you know, I mean. And it says, just what do we mean by that? And what do we do? You know, here comes those clear cut directions. And it says, the first requirement is that I be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. The book takes a big right turn on page 60, where all of a sudden we're not talking about vodka anymore. And it says, the first requirement. The second requirement is that I be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. I'm going to tell you, sitting there, well into sobriety, not only was I not convinced of that, that sentence had never touched me. When I said that I used to like to read the book and look for things that I agree with, I don't know what I used to do when I read these lines. But, I mean, it just kind of went zoom, and, you know, and I'm back to, you know, well, I think they know that we're not. I think they know that we're not equipped with the information at this point to be convinced that my life run on self-will can hardly be a success. That's why it says we are now at step three twice. It says it on 60, and it says it right before the third step prayer. But it spends the next two pages talking about what do we mean? And then it switches over to what do we do? And when it talks about what we mean, it says that I've got to be convinced. And I've got a question written in my book that says, am I convinced? I am constantly taking myself and sponsors back to are you convinced or are you not that your life run on self-will cannot be a success? Because that is the natural tendency for an alcoholic is to drift away from God consciousness back into self-will, back into self-will. And before I know it, I've got a spiritual malady cooking inside of me that I don't even know is there because I'm back to trying to run my life on self-will. It's a huge piece of the work. And I don't know about you guys, but I used to get squat out of this actor. Did anybody else read this thing about the actor and just go, whatever? You know, I mean, am I the only one? I mean, because I would read that and I'm going. But one thing I didn't understand for a long time is that this guy is just an actor. He's not the director of this play. And that's why he's causing so much chaos. It's because his job is to stand on. He acts. And when it's his turn, he's supposed to say, OK, let's go eat lunch or whatever his line is. You know, and we start the little scene. And all of a sudden, this guy goes, cut, cut. This is all wrong. You know, I want more lines in here. Everybody needs to move over. Let me move to the front. I don't like the ballet, the scenery, the way things are running. And, you know, the director's over there going, who is this guy? You know, I mean, and all. The other players are going, well, he's trying to get everything to go for himself. I'm going to get what I can for me. You know, that's what and that's what it talks about is when it says. But the thing is, it talks about even though my motives are good when I'm trying to manage this thing. And here's the delusion. The reason I don't think it's self-will in me is because I'm operating under this delusion. It says, if his arrangements would only stay put. If only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Here's the delusion. Life would be wonderful. Well, that's the thing. I don't think it's self-will because if you guys would just act right, it would be wonderful for everybody. I mean, you know, and it says in trying to make these arrangements, I might be quite virtuous. I'm the swellest guy, you know, you've ever seen. Unless what? Unless that ain't true. That ain't working. And then you get mean, egotistical, overbearing, you know, but it's all about me trying to arrange things where everybody will make things go my way because I think that's going to be best for everybody. $1.45, right there. That's it. There's our first customer. And if I can't get my way out of Katie, then you know, I'm going to have to do something else. I'm going to have to do something else. I'm going to have to do something else. I'm going to have to do something else. I'm going to have to do something else. And then, you know, if I can't get it by being nice, and then even it says I have varied traits because I might be able to bully this guy, but believe me, Katie won't take it, you know? So I got to be nice to her and, you know, I can overbear on this guy. But you see how it's all me trying to arrange it? And it says the show doesn't come off right. I start thinking life doesn't treat me right. And then the next time I decide to try a little harder. I become more gracious or more overbearing, whichever the case may be. And then I get to the point where I'm like, you know, I'm going to do this. You know, I'm going to do this. You know, I'm going to do that. And then I get to the point where I'm like, you know, I'm not going to do this. You know, I'm going to go back to my old self. I'm going to go back to my old self. Whichever the case may be. Still things don't go the way I wanted. And it says admitting I might be somewhat at fault. Just, I mean, you know, maybe this much. I'm sure other people are more to blame. Come on. You know, because look at my sterling motives. You know, and it goes on and it says I become, and it's always in this order, angry. I can't believe these people won't do what I want them to do. Indignant. And it goes on and it says, I've become, and it's always in this order, angry. I can't believe these people won't do what I want them to do. Indignant. After everything that I've tried to do for them, they're going to treat me like this. And then the last stage is always self-pity. What's the use? You know, I'm surrounded by idiots. You know, and so, and it goes on to say, is he not a victim of the delusion that he can seize satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? See, and it goes on, and on the next page, I missed this for a long time. Selfishness, self-centeredness. That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, self-pity. I step on people's toes. They retaliate, seemingly without provocation, right? I didn't do nothing, and they just went off on me. You know, I mean, she's crazy. You know, but it says, invariably, I find it sometime in the past. And then, when it gets down here, it says, this is one of the biggest promises in the book. It says, so our troubles, Chris talked about this earlier. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. You know why that's a big promise? Because if my problems are of y'all's making, the only way I'm going to be okay is if y'all act right. And I have very little experience with getting everybody to act right. You know? But if my problems are of my making, me and this power you're talking about moving me towards have a chance of working it out. And then it gets down here, and it says, the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot. I love this. Katie and I worked out a little deal where we talk about if this was the whole population of the United States, right, up on this wall. And right over here is a little group of people that are selfish. And they're self-will run riot, right? And you know, in a fight, it was fun to watch. But a riot, there's no safe place to stand. You know, a riot can go anywhere at any minute. Over here are these people that are self-will run riot, right? Now, we're going to go into that area, and we're going to pluck out the extreme examples of that group. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? I mean. I mean. And then it says, though he usually doesn't think so. You know? And the reason I don't think so is because all my selfishness and self-centeredness is filtered through my motives and my delusion. Right? I got to have a sponsor to call me on my selfishness because I can spot it in y'all. But in me, I'm blind to it. You know? Still. So, I just, I like to touch on that because it says, Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. What does above everything mean to you? You know? It's paramount importance. It doesn't say above everything, I got to stop drinking vodka. Above everything, you know, it says above everything, I got to get rid of this selfishness. And that's going to be the basis of the rest of the work now because, like Chris talked about, when it says on that basis. I've been noticing the word basis in the book a lot. And on the basis is the fundamental foundation, the underlying principle of anything. And so, if my foundation is on self-will, I'm in trouble. But they're going to, and that's what they're going to move me. If it goes on to say that, and then down at the bottom of that page, it switches over to what Chris talked about, which is what we do. And that's when we quit playing God. And we get over here. So, by the time we get to the third step prayer now, we see this deal at the start. Top of 63 where it says being all powerful, he provided what I needed under two conditions. There's a place in the book where it says God doesn't make too hard of terms for those that seek him. Here's the terms. It says he'll provide what I need under two conditions. If I stay close to him and perform his work well. That's my job. And he'll take care of everything I need. And when I finally committed to the deal, he's doing a pretty kick-ass job of holding up his work. I hold it up, his end of the deal. If I stay close to him and perform his work well. Then we get down here and we get to the third step prayer. And it says we were now at step three. Again, but now we understand the deal. So that now when I say relieve me of the bondage of self, it doesn't sound like some churchy talk. I understand what it means when it's saying that selfishness and self-centeredness is what's killing me. And that alcohol never was my problem. Alcohol is what I use to treat my problem. Alcohol was the only thing I ever found that would ease the pain of living a life based completely on selfishness. I got me on me like that. You know. For a guy like me to look for selfishness is like a fish looking for water. I can't see it because it's in my DNA. You know. I'm immersed in it. So that's our real work. You know. And that's I think when I say the book takes a right turn on that. And I'm sorry I took a lot longer than I intended to talk on that. Go Chris. All right. Manifestations of self. Selfishness, self-centeredness. That is the root of our troubles. You could almost call alcoholism selfishism. You know. I mean really. Because that's really what our problem is. Though we usually don't think so. If you would have come up to me, you know, day one wandering into Alcoholics Anonymous and say, you know, Chris, what's your problem? I would not have said selfish. I would have thought, you know, I'm actually a very selfless guy. You know. I'll lend you money to bail you out of jail. And, you know, I had the whole thing wrong. The way I look at it is selfishness is like anything I have I'm protecting. Self-seeking is the things that I want, please don't get in my way. I'm going after them. And self-centeredness is everything is about me. You know. All of my decisions, all of my perspective, the way I'm thinking is the whole entire universe, how it relates to me. How it's going to affect me and in what proportions. And that's the basis of my life system. That's how I come into it. That's how I come into Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't even know that's wrong. You know. I don't even know that's what's causing me 99.9% of my pain. And causing me to co-create all the disorder. At best co-create. At worst, you know, cause all the dysfunction and the, you know, the emotional pain that's in my life. And everything that's going wrong. And why I can't get ahead in life. And why I'm misunderstood. And, you know, all these other problems that I have. Now it's time to sit down and start inventorying this stuff because I need to see the truth in it. My perspective as an alcoholic, my perspective is skewed. You know, it says having a spirit, having had a spiritual awakening. What would that really mean? That means that spiritually I'm asleep until I do this work. I'm asleep walking around thinking I'm awake. And that's really what's going on as an unrecovered alcoholic. As an untreated alcoholic. My perspective, the vision, the world that I'm seeing is colored in a different, in a tragic way. Because of my selfishness and my self-centeredness. I don't see things the way they really are. So I need to start inventorying. I need to start looking at. At the causes and conditions of, you know, what's going on in my life. And the first thing they ask us to do is list the people, the places, the institutions with whom we were angry. You know, as alcoholics we're really upset with a lot of things. We're angry. We're disturbed. We're hostile toward. We have a lot of resistance to the way the universe works. We have a lot of resistance to the way the universe works. We have a lot of resistance to the way the universe is presenting itself to us. You know what I mean? It's not what we want. You know? Everything's wrong. You're not treating me right. And we need to start looking at the truth. We need to know the truth. Without truth we can't really move forward with any of the other steps or any of the recovery program. We need to see as close as we can the truth about the world. We need to see as close as we can the truth about what's going on in our life. And it asks us to look at resentments. The number one offender. You want to do resentments and I'll do fear and harms? Sure. Go. He gave me the mic back. I did not see. You know, last year I should tell you all, Katie's speaking Saturday night in this room. And last year I was here with Katie Gordon and this year I'm here with Katie Parker. Yeah. So we've been married for six months now. I like to think of myself as some of her best work. You know, when we roll into the fourth step, just to touch on this self thing again, it just blows my mind. Yeah. Because I even thought I was a big book guy. You know, I had a Tuesday night big book study meeting I was going to. I'd been to three Joe and Charlie big book studies. I don't know how I missed this stuff. You know, maybe I was self-centered. But when we get down into this thing, look at what we're about to do in the fourth step. It says we did exactly the same thing with our lives. First we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. Being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us, we considered it as common manifestations. So am I convinced that self is what had defeated me? And if you look at it like that, what the fourth step is, is a consideration of common manifestations of self. See, if you bring me to this point and you go the problem is self, and I go, what are you talking about? What does it look like? They go, well, we're going to look at how it shows up. You know, if my problem is selfishness. Because like Chris said, when you say selfish, I thought you meant stingy. And when you said self-centered, I thought you meant conceited. And it's not that I think too little of myself or too much of myself. I just think about me all the time. You know? You know, you ever driven by an elementary school and you go, what the hell good is that going to do me? You know? My kids are grown. But, you know, when I was a kid, all my memories are of me. Anybody got any memories of their parent's struggles or anything like that? You know, it was all me. You know? Well, so how does self show up? We consider it as common manifestations. And it says resentment is the number one offender. This is on 64. It destroys more of us than anything. From it, from resentment, stem all forms. Stem all forms of spiritual disease. For we've been not only mentally and physically ill, we've been spiritually sick. Here comes the third side of this disease. This is the first place in the book that it mentions the spiritual malady. It's talked about the spiritual solution. But if this mental obsession keeps showing up in me, what drives that mental obsession? And I think it's the spiritual malady. You know? When you talk about that black hole that I've been carrying around inside of me since fifth grade, to me, that's the spiritual malady. And that's what makes me so uncomfortable that the mental obsession returns, makes me drink, kicks in the physical allergy and that sort of thing. So it's funny. We don't address, even though we have a physical allergy and a mental obsession, we don't address those. It says when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. Pretty wild, isn't it? In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. What if I want to do it on my laptop? Let's see. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. Well, I've got most of it in my head. Let's see. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. You know? There is something magic that happens between pen and paper. And I really love writing out a resentment inventory. And Chris has passed out a resentment that I wrote. I don't know. I haven't gone over this guide. But I'm just going to run through what it says here in the book. It says, you know, how many of you people looked at this three column thing here with Mr. Brown and Mrs. Jones? Am I the only one that looked at that and went, what? You know? Because I didn't understand. It says when we come to an instruction in this thing, an action, take that action. Take that action right then. And then when you finish that action, take the next action. And it says we listed people, institutions, or principals with whom we were angry. Bam. Stop right there. What I didn't understand is that when you do this, it doesn't go across the page like that. It goes in vertical columns like that. So the first thing I do is column one. I write down everybody I'm mad at, you know. And then it says we asked her how many times she had to write down her name. And then we write down ourselves why we were angry. Column two, right? What did they do? And then we write down the cause, you know. Left me for another guy. Left me for another guy. Left me for another guy. You know, I mean, you know. And then it says in most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were burned up. On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions? For ambitions, I always look at that as how did I want things to turn out? You know, if something they did affected the way I wanted, how I wanted things to turn out, that affects my ambitions. All right? Sex relations. We were usually as definite as this example. We got four columns. We got six things we're going to look at. But I love this. When I do a, I like some of the guides that are out there. And this is Chris, you know, I have all the faith in the world in Chris. And we talked about this earlier. He said he covers all this stuff. But I also want to be sure that a guy can put somebody through a four-step inventory with a big book and a spiral notebook. And the thing that I always like to point out with is that you can take and open a spiral notebook and put a line down the middle of each page and you got four columns there. And you can start in column one and write a name and skip a line or two and then another name and skip a line or two. Because we're not writing war and peace here. We're writing, you know, because look at Mr. Brown. It says, let's just look at Mr. Brown. It says, his attention to my wife, okay, he's hitting on the guy's wife. He told his wife he has a mistress. And he's trying to get his job at the office. One of the best A.A. T-shirts I've ever seen was one that said, Mr. Brown needs his ass kicked. You know, I mean, you know. . But when you look at it, he's hitting on this guy's wife. He told his wife he's got a girlfriend on the side. And he's trying to get his job at the office. He got 19 words. Out of all that stuff, he got 19 words. Just, you know, attention to my wife. Told my wife I got a mistress. Trying to get my job. You know, it's just, it's a very short list. We're looking at, what we're looking at is bullet points. There actually is a dog back there. I thought I'd left my medication in the sunlight for a minute there. So we're going through here and we're writing down who I'm mad at. What they did. How it affects me. And it says, we went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Now when you look back to Mr. Brown, hitting on his wife. That's going to affect his security for sure. It's definitely going to affect his ambitions. Probably not, you know, and telling his wife he's got a girlfriend was probably not the way he wanted things to go. You know, that affects his security, his sex relations, his personal ambitions. You know, all this stuff. That's how we list this stuff. That's how we list this stuff in here. And then it says, when we were finished we considered it thorough. And it says, to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. Because we've been doing these three columns for years on bar stools. I mean, I can, I've been practicing telling you who I'm mad at, what they did, and how it affects me. You know, I mean, I got, I got long experience with that. That's just part of self-centeredness. But it says. Sometimes it was remorse and we were sore in ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed. Now, the thing about resentments is it's about to threaten my life six times on this page. About what happens if I maintain deep resentment in the life of a guy that's trying to recover from alcoholism. It says, to the precise extent that I permit these, do I squander the hours which might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, what is my hope? My only hope. It says, but with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience. This business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live. So this piece of work is really only important for the ones of us that want to live. You know. If we were to live, we got to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. It's funny, it's a primary purpose group in Austin. We use a 1936 Webster's dictionary to look up what words meant at the time they were writing the big book. And it's shocking sometimes how these words have morphed and changed over the years. Brainstorm. In the Disney era, they would get a group of guys together and they called it brainstorming. They'd come up with a bright idea for a new movie or something like that. If you look it up in that 1936 dictionary, it means, it says, a sudden and violent mental outburst. You know, so brainstorming is rage. Right? And it's saying being grouchy or rageful. It says they're the doubtful. Dubious just means doubtful. They're the doubtful luxury of normal women. But for us, they're poison. So now we're going to go back to the list. We're going to look at it from an entirely different angle. And I learned this from Katie. Sitting there and going, are you ready to look at this from an entirely different angle? Because I've been looking at it from this other angle for a long time and staying really, really drunk. And now it says, are you ready to look at these resentments from an entirely different angle? Because this stuff is dominating me. How can I escape? I... I saw that these resentments had to be mastered. But how? I couldn't wish them away anymore than I could alcohol. Once again, we're up against the lack of power. I don't have the power on my own. But it says, this was our course. Remember when we talked about clear-cut directions? We realized that the people who wronged us... This is funny. Out of most of the four-step guides that I've seen, the writing exercises in the four-step are really some good work. And we get a lot. But there are about five or eight prayers, depending on how you look at it, that are really powerful. And that's where the real power takes place in the four-step. And here's one that happens to fall between the third column and the fourth column. Or what I like to call the fourth column. You can call it the fifth column or an expanded third column or whatever you want to call this piece of work on page 67. But what's going to happen now is they're going to take me... We're looking at it from an entirely different angle. And it's going to start by saying, we realize that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we didn't like their symptoms, right? Column two. And the way they affected me, column three. They, like me, were sick too. Now you hear a lot in the rooms about praying for the people I resent. That's okay. That's okay to do that. It comes from what I've learned. It comes from the stories in the back of the book. But this instruction, I've got to say two prayers if I'm going to do that. Because this prayer right here is not praying for them. It's praying for me. And it says, and I'll give you a clue. Any place in the book where it says, we asked, it's usually a prayer. And if it says, we asked God, it's definitely a prayer. And here's one where it says, we asked God to help us. See, it's not that. It says, we asked God to help us. If he tells us one prayer there's a chance he will expect a little turnout. How many would we get if he calls umpires in. Whatever I do or what I keep doing, you don't get a single prayer. But when I'd ask you, because it's God I need to do before Christmas. One prayer is usually, we hit me. We're конечно, see, the prayer is full. And I'm not saying, oh my gosh, this listed, this did, and this is not my justice. But I'm not saying I didn't do built or promised to do, treat sick people that way. You know, I mean, if I think of that, when I screw up, I want a lot of slack. Because I know what's driving me. I know that, you know, my situation. But I don't like to give other people that kind of consideration. Is it possible that these people that harm me, when they did it, is it possible that given their tools and their background and what was driving them at the time, is it possible that they were doing the best they could on that particular day? And that maybe they weren't even trying to do this to me. They were just doing it, you know. And, you know, can I give... Now we're talking about looking at it from an entirely different angle. I don't want to take too much time, but I just want to tell one quick story about this guy that I was sponsoring that had a 40 year resentment against his father for coming home one day and saying, your mom killed herself today. And he was so mad about the way his dad had presented that to him. And we were in... I'm speeding this up, but we were in this... And he's told me I can tell this story. We were in inventory and I said, when we were doing this prayer, I said, you know, how old was your dad when this happened? He said, about 41. I said, did it ever occur to you this was a 41 year old man with three children at the house. He's been living with a wife that's got some serious mental challenges. Now she's killed herself. He's got to come home. He's got to figure out how to raise three kids and work a job. He's got to make funeral arrangements. He's got to notify all the family members that this is going on. Is it possible that on that day telling you like that was the best he could possibly do? And Roy goes, never occurred to me for a second. That's what I'm talking about when I talk about self-centeredness and being inconsiderate. He said that never has ever occurred to me. And I watched a 40 year old resentment against this guy's father dissolve through the process of this inventory work through the prayers that take place in here. So it's important not to skip over these prayers because this prayer, the resentment prayer takes me from the third column to the fourth column and it gets me ready to look at it from an entirely different angle. Then we get into this thing where it says, referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done. This isn't where I look at my part. Because if I got a part and you got a part, your part's going to be a little bigger. But what Mark used to say is if we're talking about a resentment where I've only got 20% of the, as far as I'm concerned, I've only got 20% of the resentment, in this piece of work I've got to take 100% ownership of my 20%. We're not talking about them here because their part is not what's killing me. I've got to be looking at my part. It says, where was I? Selfish. Dishonest. Self-seeking. Frightened. I tried to disregard the other person. Where was I to blame? When I saw my faults, I listed them. This is that fourth column that some people say is not in the book. We place them before us in black and white. That seems pretty clear to me. We admitted our wrongs honestly and we're willing to set those matters straight. To me, that is the four column, fourth, inventory. I like to put a little column between the third and fourth column to make room for a check mark so that when this between the third column and the fourth column, they've done this prayer for this person of trying to take into consideration where this person was going and perhaps maybe they were sick just like me. Thanks. Chris is going to do fear. You know, there is a line of demarcation in between the third and the fourth column that is very, very important. We're supposed to shift our vision of these resentments and really, like Charlie said, really take responsibility for the part that we played in it. One of the most important paragraphs in the book is that paragraph on page 67 where it says referring to our list again. That talks about the information in the fourth column. What you find in your fourth column of the resentment inventory and some of the other inventory material we're going to talk about, you're going to find the information that you need for step 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. So it's vitally important. If rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path, we need to be about the business of thoroughly following the path. We need to pay attention to this paragraph. Now, then it says notice the word fear. Oh, I'm sorry. We need to make an announcement. Amber Rogers, please come to the registration desk for a message. If Amber Rogers is here. Okay. Notice the word fear is bracketed. With resentments, it's going to be very, very difficult for you not to be angry in some way or not to be fearful in some way. I'll give you a for instance. This is how I look at it. I like to I like to sometimes simplify things. Because I work with a lot of people. I need to be simple in how I explain things so that I don't overwhelm somebody or I'm talking at a level that they can't understand. Because most alcoholics, whether they understand you or not, will say, yeah, I understand. You know? So here's the way I'll break it out. Let's look at instincts and let's look at ambitions. Instincts, that's look at that selfishly. Instincts are things that we have that we want to protect. Ambitions are things that we don't have that we want to get. Those are the things that are self-seeking. Unless something harms, threatens or interferes with your instincts or ambitions, there's not going to be any reason why you're going to be angry. So the fear is that something's going to take away something you have or interfere with you getting something that you want. A lot of fear comes from that. Fear is an incredibly damaging emotion. It talks about here that it's an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence is shot through with fear. Now, this was true in my life. But if you would have come up to me and you would have said something like, Chris, you're a real fearful guy. I don't think I would have reacted real well. Well, to that, you know, when I was brand new, because I thought of myself as very courageous. You know, I used to race motorcycles and, you know, I used to cliff dive. And when I was drunk, I'd pick on the biggest guy in the bar. You know, I mean, how can you say that I'm filled with fear when I'm, you know, such a maniac, so insane? You know, well, the fact of the matter was I was looking at fear in the wrong way. I had a lot of anxiety. I had a lot of things, a lot of feelings inside that made me uncomfortable with myself and uncomfortable with my environment. It was difficult for me to step out and to show up. And that was because of fear. That fear kept me from being able to do things like ask for a raise at work. Ask a girl out on a date. Go back to school to get a degree. All of these things that would have been doing the right thing at the right time for the right reasons, fear kept me from doing most of them and kept me, and toward the end of my drinking, kept me in one room in one house drinking a bottle of bourbon and talking to the bottle. You know, like it's just you and me, you know. They don't understand. You know what I mean? I mean, that's really, that's the evil and corroding thread. And that's what had happened to me. I couldn't leave the house toward the end, you know, without a drink. I couldn't go out and get the mail without a drink. It would have been years since I'd been in a store with like fluorescent lights. You know what I mean? And that was because of that anxiety, that high level of anxiety. I went to the doctor one time, and because I was drinking so much, I was actually detoxing every morning, you know, with the shakes and, you know, the loud noise, and I remember going to the doctor and going, Doc, you know, I feel like nervous, and I'm anxious in the morning, you know, I just feel like stress and all this. Do you got anything for that? And he goes, well, yeah, we have this brand new drug called Xanax, okay? So I go, well, what kind of miller grimages you got those things in, you know? I'm going to need the big ones! And thus started like seven or eight months of not a minute sober, you know, at all. I started weighing these Xanaxes out in my hand. It was way too inconvenient to have to count them. So I would weigh them out in my hand, and I would chug down a quart of vodka with them, you know, the biggest letters on the pill container, no alcohol, but that must be for the amateurs, you know? And I would just sit there and like drool, you know, for like hours. And I'm telling you it's because of the fear! You know, fear is an evil and corroding threat. We need to inventory it. Why do we have the fear is the first question they ask us. They ask us to identify the fear, and then why do we have the fear? Then there's a redundant question. Isn't it because the reason you have that fear, isn't it because self-reliance has failed you? And here's the thing, we're alcoholics, just have a lot of alcohol, and we're not a real hard time saying, well, yeah, self-reliance has really failed me. I take meetings into treatment centers all the time where the people want to tell me what they think about all this recovery and everything, and they got a plastic handband with their name on it, on their wrist, you know what I mean? Buddy, you know, you're in the hatch, you know what I mean? And you're trying to tell me about, you know, am I interested in what you think? I don't think so, you know what I mean? I'm really uninterested in your perspective on life. You're in pajamas. You know what I mean? Anyway. Anyway, it's very, very difficult for us to come to terms with this defeat. A great line in the 12 and 12. Who among us wishes to admit complete defeat? A glass in hand, we've warped our minds to such a state that only an act of divine providence can relieve us of this obsession. I mean, think about what that sentence says. Really, who among us wishes to admit that we are absolutely hosed on our own, and unless there's God shining through the clouds on us, you know, we're not going to survive. You know, I don't really want to accept that, thank you. You know, and again, when we look at, when we start to look at this inventory, this inventory is opening up, opening up the doors to stuff that we really don't want to look at. For the longest time, we thought our problems were coming at us. And this is telling us our problems are coming from us. Oh, no! You know? This is real, this is a problem, you know? And this is why you lose so many people at the fourth and the fifth step. Oh, where's Harry, you know? He joined another 12-step group, you know? We don't see him at the meetings anymore. But the fact of the matter is you shift, this inventory helps you to shift and see that your problems really are of your own making, you know? You really have done this because of the foundation of your life system was based on selfishness, you know? That's why all of this transpired. Now, it talks about the fear prayer. Charlie was saying, it gets, it's very, very easy to miss these prayers. It's very, very easy to miss them, but whenever I have somebody doing their fourth step inventory or we're doing a fifth step, I want them to say this fear prayer for every single fear that they have. It's basically, we ask, we ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. And that's a fear prayer. Now, this is at the bottom of page 68 just before the sex inventory. Now, if you want to outgrow fear, outgrowing fear is tied directly into freedom. You have to understand, I really thought I was free. I was stuck in that room, drinking the bottle of bourbon and talking to it. And I was so freaked out by so many things that I'd have the TV on, I'd have the stereo on. I'd be drinking a bottle of bourbon. I'd have a guitar in my lap. You know, I'd be reading a book. I mean, I, you know, I was just, I, you know, I just couldn't be with myself. There was no freedom and I thought that I was free. And I thought that I'm gonna have to start going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Going down into church-based, every night during primetime TV and talking about God? Kill me now, you know? Don't they put horses down that are lame? I mean, I really thought my life was over, you know? I'm going to be with the rollers. And the fact of the matter was, I was trapped in that room with that bourbon. That was, those were the chains, the bondage of self it talks about in this book, the bondage of self, being chained to that selfish perspective. And the freedom comes from recognizing this stuff, you know, and moving through this process. Now, the fear inventory is very, very important. So is the inventory. I call it the harms to others inventory with a huge emphasis on self. I don't know anybody else out there, but I made a real mess out of the intimate relationships in my life. You know, and I always thought it was like the ungrateful women. You know what I mean? When I look back, when I inventory my actions, you know, they were insane to have said hi to me. And, you know, in the first place, I was just, I was awful. The last eight years of my life, I drank with a vengeance because my wife left me when I needed her most. You know what I mean? She left me when I needed her most. And I start inventorying this stuff. Well, I threatened her with a knife. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? I had forgotten that, you know? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Oh, God. Oh, God. So, so, so, and that's just how sick we are, you know? I told a hundred bartenders that story. And, you know, there's a hundred bartenders out there that thinks my ex-wife is selfish, you know? And, you know, the fact of the matter is, is, you know, I had a really, really bad perspective on this. But in this inventory, in the sex inventory, it talks about having most alcoholics need an overhaul. And I'm not talking about the overhauling of their intimate relationship operational methodology, okay? Does anyone in here know what an overhauling is? Like if you're going to overhaul an engine, you take it absolutely completely apart down to nothing and put it back together with all new parts or the new parts that need to be put back in. It's not a mere tune-up. You know, we alcoholics don't need a mere tune-up with our, you know, we're not going to be able to do that. We need an overhauling of our intimate relationships. We need an overhauling. Because nowhere do we cause more harm than in these relationships. Because we're coming from a place of selfishness and self-centeredness and manipulation, what we do is, is we really expect things from other people that they're not willing to give, maybe that they shouldn't give. When I started to inventory my past relationships, a number of things started to pop out at me. One of them was is that I was using women like I would use alcohol or drugs. I was thinking about my relationship with a woman about how it would make me feel. Just the way like looking at the bottles above a bar. Ooh, that gray goose. That would probably make me feel really good. You know, I was looking at women the same way. I wasn't thinking about, could I bring something to this? Could I help participate in, you know, developing a wonderful relationship, a supportive partnership? That wasn't what I was thinking of doing. So I needed to start looking at this, and I needed to start inventorying the things here. Some of the instructions are we review our conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate, whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. Now, seeing just how great my incorrect participation had been in these relationships, being able to list it all out with every single person, I got to see the patterns. I got to see the things. I got to see the things that I was doing wrong in these relationships. A typical Chris action would be to notice a woman who, like, noticed me and was attracted to whatever charms I was, you know, I was emitting at whatever period of time that was. And, you know, usually it was a very disturbed individual who became attracted to me. My first... My first sponsor said, Chris, there could be a gymnasium filled with women. And in that gymnasium, there would be an axe murderess, you know, wandering around that gymnasium. And if the cops wanted to find her, they'd just take you, put you in the gym, and wait until you became attracted to somebody and throw the cuffs on her. You know? You know? And a... And a lot of times that was true. Uh... Uh... You know, and I'm like... I'm like two months sober when my sponsor tells me, I'm like, no, no. Phil, that's not true. And, you know, today, absolutely true. Anyway. Anyway, what I would do is I would find a woman who was, like, susceptible to, you know, whatever bizarre charms I was possessing at the moment. And, you know, we would go and we would do our deed. And, you know, I would kind of lead on that, you know, there's a future here, you know. You know, we're going to be together. This is really cool. And, you know, we'd get the deed done, and then I'd think, how the hell do I get out of here? You know? Oh, my God, I'm going to have to move! You know? You know what I mean? It's like... Now, this is not, you know, how you should be dating. If you're new or just coming back, you know, this is not instructional. Uh... But, uh... But this caused me grave harm. I mean, you know, I was lonely. You know? And I had no significant other. So, inventorying all this stuff, what I can do is I can see all the things that I've done wrong. I can see all the problems in the relationships. I can see why I keep shooting myself in the foot and why I'm not attracting anything at all healthy, you know? So, um... So, through... Through inventorying this, it asks us, it says, that through using this information, all of this four-step information, we can develop a future ideal for our sex life or our intimate life. We can develop an ideal based on what we know doesn't work and the character defects that we have. We know what we don't want to be bringing to the next party. You know, now we can start to write down some of the attributes of the things that we want to be bringing. We can start to write down some of the attributes that we want to be bringing to the next party because it's a truth that you attract what you are. You attract the people you're ready to attract. If you're living at a high spiritual level, you'll attract other people at high spiritual levels. If you're healthy, emotionally healthy, you'll attract emotionally healthy people. So, you know, if I want to have extraordinary relationships in the future, I can do that. I can do that. I can do that. I can do that. I need to be preparing myself to be able to do so. There's a lot of healing. We come into this world with a lot of damage. You know, psychologists and psychiatrists, they make a living at quantifying the damage that happens to us in childhood, you know, the trauma and all this other stuff. And believe me, I don't mean to minimize it. It's out there and it's really, really true. It's true. It's true. It's true. And the thing is, is we, we as alcoholics need to take responsibility for this harm. And we need to start moving forward. We need to participate in the healing of this harm. And a lot of harm we've caused. We not only need to take responsibility for the harm that has happened in our lives, but the harm that we've caused out there in the universe. We need to take responsibility. We need to take responsibility for it. And the fourth step is really the place where we begin to really look at that in a way that's going to make sense for us moving forward. What time is it? We've got about ten more minutes. You want to move into five? You want to finish off some four? I think we ought to just finish off some four. Okay. We'll do five, six, and seven when we come back. All right. All right. You know. I just want to touch on one little thing. You remember back at the beginning. I like to look at places where the book restates the deal we made in step three. And the deal we made in step three is I'm going to quit playing God. And then now he's the director. And there's several places in the book. The one I didn't see for a long time in the fear inventory is when it says we asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed me? Yeah. And so what I didn't see about fear for a long time is when I'm on this basis of relying just on myself to run everything, there's a very small little sphere of things that I have control over. Right? What I'm going to have for lunch. You know, what I might say or not say. Katie would say I have no control over that. You know. But things that fall outside of that little sphere of my control. Scare me. And what's amazing is when you do a fear inventory with somebody, there's really only a couple of things in the fear inventory. I don't see a lot of columns in the fear inventory. It says we listed our fears. We asked ourselves why we had them. And it says wasn't it because self-reliance failed me. And what's amazing is how many times you can go over that fear list with somebody and you go, okay, this fear you got inside your area of control or outside your area of control. And it's nearly, it's always stuff that's outside self-reliance. You know. Am I going to get cancer? Management level decision. You know. How are my kids going to turn out? Is Katie or Katie and I going to stay married forever? You know. All these things that scare me. Am I going to go broke? Am I going to get sick? Am I going to, you know. It's all stuff that's God stuff. But when I'm off self-reliance, this stuff scares the crap out of me. But I can't walk around talking about how, so I'm just constantly trying to stuff that stuff below the surface. And so. It's another example of a manifestation of self. And you know. And it's the same thing when we roll into this inventory. I love, you know, where it says we're trying to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex. In the sex prayer, it says, here it is again. We ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. How can I know? It's not like Larry and I, you know, or me. I have a sponsor. I'm a 22-year-old college kid that looks like a movie star and has a body like he's carved out of wood. His sane and sound sex ideal is probably different than mine as a 53-year-old married man. Right? But it's not when I operate outside of my mother's sex values that I get in trouble. It's when I operate outside of my own values. But how am I going to know what my values are? If I don't ever establish them? I don't know. I don't know how to establish a sane and sound ideal. And that's what this whole thing, besides being aware of who we harmed, it says we ask God to mold our ideal and help us to live up to them. And then it says whatever ideal turns out to be, we've got to be willing to grow toward it. Got to be willing to make amends where we've done harm, provided we don't bring about... In other words, we treat sex like we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God, there's another prayer, what we should do about each specific matter. And that's what this whole thing is about. It's about understanding who we are. The right answer will come along if we want it. And then it goes on for a while, but there's a prayer here on page 70 about shaping this ideal. It gives me four things to pray for. And I've seen an exercise where those four things are written down on a three by five card that I'm carrying around with me. And I've seen it with a lot of guys. Well, without getting too controversial, Internet porn is a huge problem with men. And I've seen guys that it is clearly outside of their sane and sound ideal, but they're still having a problem with it. And it helps to carry this card around. And it says, we pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. You know, and I always tell these guys, you know, the time to ask for guidance and strength is not when you've lost your mind. Strength is not when you've logged on and you've got a cup of coffee sitting there in front of the laptop. You know, the horse is out of the barn by then. You know, it's in advance, and it's trying to ask God for strength to carry out this new ideal that I'm trying to establish. I hope that's not too controversial of a topic. But it says, if sex is troublesome, we throw ourselves into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge when the yield would mean heartache. So, thank you. It's all about getting out of self. It's all about manifestations of self. And it's all about looking at where decisions based on self have caused me trouble. You know, I'm really looking forward, Chris is going to do five, six, and seven. But once again, remember this thing about self-will that I missed for so long? Look at what it says at the end of the story. Again, in this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will is. Whatever self-will has blocked you off from him. Are you convinced? You know, that's the thing. Because Katie likes to talk about putting your hand over a flashlight. You know, if I made this decision to identify with the power, what we're doing in four through nine is removing what's blocking me from the power. In the fourth step, I'm trying to uncover that flashlight a little bit. Because when I'm blocked with all this stuff, God could be sitting next to me with a bullhorn and I can't hear him. That's, you know, so when it says we're a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us. So that's what we're doing and all that stuff. We're going to go to lunch now and when we get back we're going to talk about five, six, and seven and we're going to try to roll back into the rest of the work. Thanks a lot, you guys. See you back at 1.30. 1.30. All right.