Ryan M. on the 10th Step, Step 11, and Staying in Fit Spiritual Condition

All right. Thank you so much. We're going to do a tag team through the 45 minutes, which I'm very excited about. Fist bump. Okay. um summer thank you so much for asking us this is so cool uh we'd love any chance uh we can get to to talk recovery and uh you know i see some new friends on here and some old friends and uh i love when you said you get solution-based speakers that's kind of a code word for me for people uh working out of the big book so i'm excited for that i will tell everybody uh i don't know how it's going to go. We got the cat here. She likes to meow and we got the kids in the other room. We're going to see if they don't fight for 45 minutes. Um, we'll see how that goes. Yeah. So whoever's not talking, the other one might get up and go break up the wrestling match in the family room at any given time. So that's just a little heads up, but my name is Ryan Milne. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Um sober since November 13th, 2006, my home group, it's both of our home groups is primary purpose group webster we meet on zoom sunday mornings 9 30 a.m eastern um maybe somebody fellow home group member get those numbers in the chat before the meetings over there uh we studied the book uh line by line and it's it's fascinating it's fun um i love it i love so you know we're tasked today to uh talk on the 10th step which is uh which is a fun one to talk on you know and i'm going to share my you know current present understanding of the 10th step or how i practice the 10 step right now i will say for years over a decade um i had a very one way of looking at the tenth step um you know i heard somebody said once uh continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong probably admitted it and you know that was kind of how i looked at it you know um and i will say my understanding has changed even in the last few weeks or a month or so and honestly if i did this talk a month from now my understanding might be different again you know so this is just like kind of a snapshot of where i'm at with the with the 10 step for now um seems like there's a lot of confusion about the difference between the 10th and 11th step in uh in a lot AA meetings and you know there doesn't need to be our program is very specific It tells us very specifically, we'll go through, you know, we're going to work out of the book tonight and we'll do. You know, the very clear cut instructions on what, on how to do a 10th step. And then when you flip the page is, you now we're at step 11 and it gives us very specific instructions. When we retire at night, it tells us what to do, you upon awakening tells us what to so there seems to be all this confusion, but there doesn't need to be, you the 10th step is basically we'll get into it, but it's basically the spot check inventory, something that I'm doing throughout the day. I explain the 10th and 11th step kind of like, I think of it like a sandwich. You know, the day starts and ends with the 11th stop and the 10 step is in the middle all day long. You know when I'm walking around living life. I heard someone say this is not original but I love this. They said basically if I'm standing in the Middle of the street and there's a tractor trailer barreling down on me it's not time to sit there and inventory what's going on. It's time to dive out of the way and diving out of The Way is the 10-step. you know at night i can review my conduct and i can take a look and see what happened you know why why that happened you know where was i at fault where's my mistakes i can look at all that stuff at night but not in the moment you know in the moment i just got to dive out of it out of the way when the truck's coming for me um you know almost after the first and second step and you know i always kind of refer back to the third step before i talk about anything else because you know to me our program you know these pages you know 60 to 63 you know it's such a shift in in in my thinking you know it'S SUCH A SHIFT IN EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT WAS TRUE UM YOU KNOW BEFORE BEFORE GOING THROUGH THE PROGRAM WITH A SPONSOR YOU KNOW I THINK LIFE WAS A CERTAIN WAY AND THOSE TWO OR THREE PAGES THERE I MEAN THEY SHIFTS EVERYTHINGS FOR ME AND THEY CHANGE IT SO I KIND OF NEEDED THAT MINDSET BEFORE I COULDN'T GO INTO INVENTORY YOU KNOW STEPS FOUR THRU NINE and you know i kind of need that mindset uh in steps you know 10 11 and 12. now i will say uh you know ten eleven and twelve you know i hear them referred to as the maintenance steps and you know whatever i like to consider them growth steps but i consider 10 11-12 as basically you know aaa's relapse prevention plan okay because you know it's i'm not saying never you know but it's very rare to find somebody practicing steps 10 11 and 12 and relapsing i'm not saying it's never happened in fact i have a friend who you know was kind of doing 10 11-12 and relapse so he kind of called me out on it whatever so i'm not saying that's impossible but for the most part and when i have somebody i'm sponsoring or somebody that i'm friends with or anybody that goes back out and i um you know and i and i talk to i ask three questions usually and it's basically like when's the last time you called your sponsor for a 10-step when did you stop praying and how many people are you sponsoring because really if we're doing those things if we've if we'd done the action if we had a real first step and second step experience and we've made that real decision in the third step and we have done the work four through nine you know if we are doing those three things you know Dr. Bob really called it you know trust God clean house and help others it's it really is that simple moving forward you know that's not to say we don't have to do an annual or semi-annual house cleaning and go through you know the steps again that's fine you know but but 10 11 and 12 is really really where it's at uh i like that idea the relapse prevention plan so i'll just talk real real briefly here on the third step just to explain my mindset and why i need to do this stuff so much you know what i'm saying where it talks about what we're talking about uh the first requirement is that would be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis, we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. So listen, all this stuff here, I always considered this stuff. When I was reading this, I thought, yeah, that was Ryan when he was drinking, but this is not Ryan anymore now that I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. But if I look at it as this is my natural state, this is how I am selfish and self-centered, then I'm relating to this stuff on a, on a real life in the moment basis. You know what I'm saying? So even behind a good motive, I'm still always in collision with something or somebody. It talks about each person is like the actor who wants to run the whole show and they talk, you know, arranging the lights in the ballet, however, however they want it to be. And, you Know, really I can look at my life in and out drunk and sober. I can Look at my life and see how I, how I do this and continue to do this. You know, that's why, you know, this, the steps are so beautiful. Basically they helped me to, you knows, to quit running the show, get out of management. You Know, I'm not good at it. I, I, the, the choices I make for myself don't often prove to be the good ones. And, you Know, I always think I want to, if I get what I want, then I'll be happy. You i always think that and i think if i can arrange life to suit that to have that happen then i can finally get i can finally feel some satisfaction or contentment or whatever but it just doesn't work like that and it's going on to talk about you know if only my arrangements would stay put if only one would do if if only people would do as i wish the show would be great you know and that's that's my mindset and this tells me that's not the case you know everybody including me would be pleased uh in trying to make these arrangements i might sometimes be quite virtuous uh i might be kind considerate patient generous even modest and self-sacrificing so we call this the toolkit of self-will okay toolkit this is that these are the tools that i use to get my way to run the show okay um i can if if i think to get it's gonna work i will go that route or to get my way if i can be harsh or what's the words they use here mean egotistical selfish dishonest you know if that's what it takes to get my way that's What I do that's my net nature natural state you know but what usually happens the show doesn't come off very well by the way when somebody i sponsor will call me for a 10 step that's usually one of the first things i'll say let me guess the show didn't come off very Well and and it's usually the case you know then we can talk about it and find out what's going on with it but on the next uh and then i decide to exert myself more uh still demanding as the case may be i don't need to go through all this stuff here but i just want to show that this is my this is ryan's natural natural mindset basically and on 62 it talks about selfishness self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles and i'm driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion self-seeking and self-pity sounds like stuff we're gonna be looking for in in the 10th step. I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me even without provocation, but we invariably find it sometime in the past. We have made decisions based on self, which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles we think are basically of our own making. I got my little note in the column there says greatest promise in the book, because if my troubles are of your making, I'm in trouble. It's not going to be good because I can't change you. I can fix you. But if the trouble is of my own making, then you know, I have a program for that we have a Program for that. So just in that mindset, you know that's what I like to talk about before I can talk about the 10 step because I Can easily even having a sponsor working stops sponsoring guys all that stuff I can easily slip back into that into that actor who's trying to run the whole show. yep she'll confirm it that's a fact you know um so with that said you know before i get right into the uh right into the instructions here i just want to finish with this last you know so so on 80th bottom of 83 and 84 they uh they got the ninth step promises beautiful promises read at many aa meetings all over the world absolutely beautiful promises you know and it talks about are these extravagant promises we think not they're being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly sometimes slowly they will always materialize if we work for them and the next line says this thought brings us to step 10. so that's the thought they will always materialise if we worked for them, and, and that's a thought, it does take some willpower on my part it does takes some action on my part you know there is a proper use of the will, God's gonna make it happen but I need to be disciplined and I need to do the work myself, you know. I think I'm going to turn it over to you so you can get into this first paragraph here. Because I get all fired up, I'll talk. So let me share the time. Yeah. I'm Risa Milne. I am a recovered alcoholic, sober since March 3rd, 2004. Summer, thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. Just really hit my heart and thank you. I I do try to live this in my, in my life today. And I, I definitely I definitely suffered because throughout my sobriety, I did not there, there was a long period of time where I thought steps 10 and 11 were just extra credit. They were bonus. If I could get to them, I could give it to them if I couldn't, whatever, you know you know, I Could just do a giant inventory later on in life, you know? And I always wondered why my sobriety looks like this roller coaster ride just on these really big highs, ups and downs. And so it's just been the last two years where I've really started to practice step 10 on a regular basis. And I know Ryan just said to get into that paragraph. However, there's a little bit before that, that I wanted to touch on too. So he had brought up step three and in step three, we make a decision to turn our will and our life over the care of God as we understand him. And at the top of page 63 are the third step promises. And in there it says, when we sincerely took such a position. So the position is already after the decision. The decision is, you know, I'm going to turn my will and my life over to God as I understand him. However, I need to know what that is. So I need go through four, five, six, and then seven is where I'm actually turning that will over. So if I sincerely take such a position to continue on, all sorts of remarkable things followed. Then it says a little bit further down, He provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. And so, you know, in this book, there's a lot of conditions. There's a Lot of Things Where These Things Will Come True If We Do Them. And so to keep close to Him is steps 10 and 11. That's how we stay close to our higher powers. That's How We Build A Relationship. That's how we continue on with this relationship and stay in fit spiritual condition. If Ryan is my partner, he's my husband. If I only talk to Ryan once a month, I wouldn't have the connection with him that I do today. So the same as with any other relationship in my life and my higher power, my God is the most important relationship in My Life. So why am I only, why was I only going to, to God once a month, once every three months when, you know, when, when my back's up against the wall, um, he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. So that takes us over to, you Know, this paragraph that, that Ryan wanted me to, to get into of step 10. So step 10 talks about, it's on page 84, if anyone out there is following along with us in the book, suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. So unlike some of the other steps, you know, we can't do four until we've done three. We can't doing five until we have done four. We cannot do six until we have done five. So, unlike that, this is talking about we are going to get into step ten as we are cleaning up the pass. As we are working step nine, we are not going to sit and wait till we're fully done with all of our amends. We're not gonna, we're not going to wait, you know, years or months until everybody on our men's list has agreed to see us sit down with us. No, we commence this way of life as we clean up the past. Um, so, so we, we get right into this. Um, we, uh, we've entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Oftentimes, I hear this step and 11 talked about the maintenance steps, you know, and when I'm thinking maintenance, I'm think of keeping something maintained as it is, you know, in good working condition, but as it is, and what this is telling me is I'm not maintaining, I m growing, I need to grow my understanding of my higher power is different than it was three years ago, my understanding three years ago of my Higher Power was different than when I first walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if somebody's Higher Power is still the same as when they walked into The Rooms of Alcoholics and not the same, but if their relationship with that Higher Power is so the same is when they first walked in To The Rooms Of Alcoholics, Anonymous, and 10 years later, there's something going on there, the growth is not happening. And, and there needs to be that that continued growth. It talks about this is not an overnight matter. You know, I'm an alcoholic, I am black and white, you know, like, I want it all or I want nothing. That's, that's where I live. I live on both sides of the spectrum. I, I don't live in the grace, you know, in and of myself, I don't live in gray. And so this is telling me that I'm not going to have everything from this book right at once. You know, this is a continual spectrum of growth. I need to continue to grow with my higher power, which lets me know that I am going to make mistakes. I am gonna make mistakes. And it talks about in this paragraph, I do not want to dwell on the self-pity. I'm going to make mistakes. And, and that is such, I've learned that my mistakes are what brings me closer. You know, it brings me close to my higher power. I am able to turn back to my power and say, I'm still fallible. I m still human. I' m still a drunk. I M still just one of many. And you are, are God. I Am not. And so those, those mistakes that I make are things that I'm going to continue throughout my sobriety and throughout my life. And, um, and I need to continue to grow in that. So it talks about how we do that. We continue to watch. So It says we watch, we watch for four things. We watch for selfishness. We, we watched for dishonesty. We will watch for resentment and fear. You know, oftentimes I'm blind to these things you know watch isn't is it's a verb so that means there's action there i can't just keep walking around my day blind you know uh thinking you know asleep thinking i'm awake i can t just you know barrel through life like the tornado it talks about in in step nine i have to keep my eyes open i need to you know everyone you know and ryan talks about how when he's at a stop sign or stop light you know him and some of his sponsors take that moment to connect with god those are moments where i can also take to pause to to take a look am i being selfish am i dishonest am i living in resentment and fear i can take those moments and and stop during my day and and take that in you know oftentimes though i'm not that proactive oftentimes i am i am up against the wall i'm already angry i'm already frustrated um i'm already you know uh into self and and i'm feeling it and so when i'm starting to feel those things that is also another that's a cue you know that's a cue for me to stop take a look watch for these things um just a quick story i was at the grocery store something i got into my head um something didn't actually happen it was totally made up in my head and i got really angry at somebody um they did nothing but i i had projected my thoughts onto them and i became really angry to the point where i'm walking around the produce section just fuming getting angrier and angrier you know as i'm picking out apples as i am looking through the lettuce like i'm just becoming so angry and i'm i'm starting to give the the little ladies who are shopping at the time dirty looks and and getting mad at people for their shopping carts being in the way and and i started to recognize that you know i i'm awake today i'm a wake to to my selfishness today and so i i started to recognize how i was just barreling through this grocery store and and just being like this tornado in these poor people's lives who don't even know me and i took a i took myself aside um to uh to one of the more empty um one of the more mt aisles and i and i realized this and i did a ton step right there in the grocery store you know as ryan was talking about you know the the tractor trailer was coming down the road and you know i had to get out of the way and so i i did and i did a 10 step and i reached out to my sponsor she didn't answer the phone and and i had asked god to remove these feelings for me and i i reached out to one of my other um close friends who's in this program who was able to help me see that selfishness and um thankfully i didn't actually run over the toes of anybody So I did not have to make amends. However, um, you know, I was able to be relieved of that, those feelings. I was ableto get through shopping. Iwas able tobe helpful to some other people throughout the shopping experience. And, and that's what it was about. You know, that's what it's about. Um, and so when these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We We ask God to remove them before we call someone, before we call someone. My real reliance today is upon God, is upon my higher power. It's not on my sponsor. It's not on people about me. They point me in the right direction. They sure help me see things that I can't see myself, but I need to put God first and if my real reliance is on God, I need to put that first. And so I asked God to remove it at once. Then we discuss them with someone immediately. Sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes it's just, it's impossible to get somebody on the phone at once, but I do make sure that I discuss it with somebody as soon as I can. And then I make amends quickly if I've harmed anyone and then I resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help. So by turning my thoughts to someone I can help, I stop putting that energy into this thought. You know, I tell you to stop thinking about the elephant in the room. All you're going to do is think about the elephant in The Room. If I tell you, think about this other thing, there may be a chance that you might stop thinking About the Elephant in the Room. And so I can stop those the constant wheel that's going on around this anger or this fear or this self-pity or this selfishness that's going on. And I can stop that wheel and I can start to fit myself and to fit myself to be of maximum service to my higher power and those people about me because the selfishness and self-centeredness as Ryan had talked about, that's the root of my alcoholism and that's what's going to kill me. That's what's gonna take me out and that'S what's going to kill me. And so I constantly have to start putting the thoughts of others before myself and I'll tag back him in. All right, man, good stuff. You know, I was just thinking as Risa was talking, like this step is so life-changing and we really get one paragraph of not even really half a paragraph of instructions. It's that simple, you know, it's really just that simple and we have a small amount of instructions here i just want to touch on a couple things in this paragraph there um we have entered the world of the spirit that sounds like a beautiful promise right there and it's just seems like at this point you know we experienced the uh the nine step promises and now we've just begun to enter the world or the spirit you know these nine step promises um you know that's a spiritual awakening that's what a spiritual awakening looks like. But this 10th step we're talking about here, this is about being spiritually alert. And I really, really had that wrong. I'm going to talk briefly about how wrong I had this stuff. So this was my idea of the 10th stuff. It was basically like, I would go out in the world and live my life and I would step on someone's toes. I would either say something or whatever it was. I mean, you know, I was sober, so I wasn't like getting in fistfights necessarily, or, you know, major road rage incidents and anything like that. But I could still, you know, piss people off. And then I would see, you know, some time would go by an hour, a couple, whatever, a little time would go by and I could see that I angered somebody. So I would say, oh, I guess the right thing to do is to call them and apologize and make it right. And then I would call my sponsor and tell him that I did it and ask God to remove it. And, uh, you know, that was the kind of, it was like, I thought it was like this reactionary thing. I thought the 10 step was like reactionary because I missed the major, major world word here. The major word is watch this. The way I read this for literally a decade was continue to wait for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these creep up, we ask God, it wants to remove them. So that's what I was doing. I was waiting. I was hanging out, running the show, waiting for this stuff to happen. And then I was reacting, But that word watch is so powerful. I mean, you can work with that word, watch. I've been doing it for maybe a month now or something, just working with that Word as I'm out in the world, living my life with the family at work, you know, whatever I'm doing, you it's all about watching and trying to you know trying to pay attention and be awake to what's going on you know there's i i started um i started you know doing this more active lately for smaller things you know it says we watch for selfishness dishonest dishonesty resentment and fear basically what that means is anytime i'm disturbed you know i'm gonna look at any time i'm disturbed and then i'm going to follow these clear-cut directions uh ask god when these when these crop up not if when these crap up it gives me permission to to make mistakes so when these cropped up i asked god at once to remove them discuss them with someone immediately which isn't i isn't ideal for everybody you know i have the kind of job you know i'm a truck driver i have a kind of a job where like after i finish a stop you know for five minutes or whatever i can i can make a call and i got a handful of of guys that um that are that are current in their work and practicing this work that i can call my first calls to my sponsor he's not always available so i got couple other people i can call so as close to immediately as i can get um you know we're kind of big book nerds i take this stuff so literally i'll admit i mean i take this stuff so literally um make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone i hate that i try so hard to avoid making any amends uh and this is the other word i missed then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we could help what i used to think was okay you know i i asked god to remove it i called my sponsor and told on myself um i made i apologized if i had to and then i thought like well i can't help anyone right now i'm at work but i'm meeting with a sponsee uh on the weekend you know the weekend coming up i'm meeting with a guy and we're gonna do some work so i'll be helpful then that's not what it says though it's just saying we turn our thoughts to someone we can help so that's all i gotta do i gotta you know so for example if i am gonna do step work with somebody over the weekend i can say oh we're going to do the uh the six six and seven step and get into our eight step i can start to think how can i be helpful how can i be you know how can I be the best messenger I can for this guy so I'm thinking of how I can be most helpful it doesn't always have to be an alcoholic though how canIi be helpful in real life in the moment even if I can't do it how cani turn my thoughts to how I can be helpful so there's two huge words that I totally missed for so long watch and thoughts thoughts and I think you know the steps 10 and 11 really do focus a lot on our thought life um and you know this was so beautiful about this program it really will meet me wherever I am you know this the 10th step was fine the way I did interpret it you know that's where I was at you know and now I'm hopefully growing and growing spiritually and the 10 steps meaning more more to me now I guess um one more thing that we've entered the world of the spirit uh you know it's just beautiful. I think in the second step, it says we've commenced spiritual growth. So that's cool. We're just beginning. And then I think In the fifth step, it tells us we've begun to have a spiritual experience. And then by the time we get to this 10th step, we've entered the world of the spirit. So it's just beautiful here. The last thing here, the last sentence so powerful in this paragraph here, love and tolerance of others is our code and not easy, you know, not natural for me at all, but that's what I can rely on God for. That's what my, you Know, that's where my morning prayers often look like, you Know, God, how can I, how can I show love and tolerance to whoever crossed my path today? You know, and it's not always easy and I'm not perfect at it for sure. Guaranteed. Um, get into the promises here. How are we doing on time? we got a little time um all right we've ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol i mean i remember the moment this is so i can't remember the momento we saw that it was like this is i'll speak for me i'm talking i think reese was the same way i read this for years that says we have ceased fighting alcohol that's what i thought because it goes on to talk about how we're we're free from from alcohol you know it goes on to talk about that so but i never saw that we've ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol so it's like that's cool but like i'm not fighting anymore i've ceased finding anything or any one now i'm not perfect at this and that's not always how it looks you know but but it's so cool that it says that they're cease fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned. i'm seldom interested in liquor if tempted i recoil from it as from a hot flame i react sanely and normally and i find this has happened automatically we'll see how our new attitude toward liquor's been given us without any thought or effort on our part it just comes that is the miracle of it we are not fighting it neither are we avoiding temptation we feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected we have not even sworn off instead the problem has been removed folks that's what it looks like to be a recovered alcoholic when i come to alcoholics anonymous and i am just uh a mess i'm a mess i cannot stop drinking when i start i cannot stay stopped and i'm in this kind of alcoholic cycle of drinking myself to death quitting drinking and starting again you know what i'm saying and basically how beautiful is our program that by the time i get here by the time i've made some amends all of a sudden you know the problem has been removed now there's lots of other problems don't worry there's tons of other promise but for life you know what i'm saying but alcohol really really has not been one for me for for 15 years now it really hasn't and you know this is this has really been true for me if the thought comes of drinking which might randomly pop in my head i recoil like from a hot flame that is a sane reaction to somebody allergic to alcohol to have when i when i consider putting it back into my body i mean i just it's just the problems removed it's so beautiful i tried so hard before alcoholics anonymous i tried so to quit and stay quit you know and i was through such a fight such a grind every day you know it was just like you know when i was able to put a couple days or weeks sometimes even months together you know what i'm saying but it was juste so miserable such a grind it was just absolute willpower white knuckle in it all the way and it was just such a miserable thing and here it says we're not fighting it i'm not even avoiding temptation you know i i never avoid places where there's drinking because i don't even i don'm not fazed by it you know and there's beautiful promises i mean there's beautiful promises throughout this book and the 10 step ones always always just kind of jump out at me there um we're neither cocky nor are we afraid that is our experience that is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition so we get a little warning there so it's going to stay this way as long as i keep in fits spiritual condition and it's gonna talk about it's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels it's easy to let up on our on the spiritual program of action so that must mean it's difficult to not let up upon the spiritual Program of Action and you know these are disciplines these are spiritual disciplines that I take it doesn't matter how I feel it doesn t matter you know if I feel like doing this or what mood I'm in or anything like that it just basically means I got to do it and that's the bottom line so it's not always easy I don't feel like calling my sponsor for a 10 step i don't feel like doing my nightly review you know but we do it i mean that's that's it and it's not always easy we're headed for trouble if we do for alcohol as a subtle foe we're not cured of alcoholism what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition let me just make this point then i'm gonna turn it back to resa so this is this is fascinating they're not talking about drinking here they're not talking about i don't want to be too uh controversial here but they're not really talking about not drinking a day at a time they're telling us we're not cured of alcoholism okay that's different from drinking you know i have alcoholism and i'm selfish and self-centered my troubles are of my own making so i have that alcoholism and i get a daily reprieve from that illness okay uh but it's based on it's based, it's contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. It doesn't even say that, you know, it'S contingent On my spiritual condition because I really have no idea what my spiritual condition is at any time. I can't trust my own motives and I can'T judge myself like that but maintaining my spiritual condition Risa talked about that maintaining and how do I maintain my spiritual Condition? There's only one way is to grow to keep moving forward more action. Keep moving forward. That's all I got. So real quick, one of the notes I have is, um, you know, when with that and we've ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol, um... You know, as it talks about in the book, alcohol is just a symptom. You know? As Ryan just talked about with alcoholism, alcohol is just a symptom and um so i have down here that the more i practice i'm not bound to how others act or feel i can better fit myself to god's will so the more I'm practicing this step the more that I'm practising step 11 um is the more, I do that the more I m not bound by this selfishness and self-centeredness. I don't need you to to follow the scripts that i have for you in my head i don't need you to do those things because i'm not as as focused on you as i am on on god you know um ryan ryan talks about the promises i'm gonna go um to it is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels um what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition every day is a day when we must carry the vision of god's will into our activities and this is where i i did not follow these directions um what what happened what what i thought um and rest on our laurels talks about um so laurels um means accomplishments and good deeds. And the saying of resting on my laurels means that I cannot rely on yesterday's growth. So on a Sunday, I have my home group. Okay. And once a month on Sundays, we also go to a treatment commitment. And sometimes I schedule to work with sponsees. So my Sundays are look, I have my home group. I'm of service at my group. Then I go and I talk with my sponsee or two sponsees about step work. And then I go, and I do this treatment facility meeting. And in the morning and at night, I'm praying, I meditating, I am doing inventory. And for me, what it used to be like was, okay, that's good for the rest of the week. Like that that's Good for the Rest of the Week, I don't need to do any more. I you know, it's like I went to a buffet. And I filled myself to the point where I want to throw up I'm so like, I'm So full, thinking that for the REST OF THE WEEK, I DON'T HAVE TO EAT for the rest of the week. And that's, that's not what this is saying. This is saying that every single day I must carry the vision of God's will. And so that doesn't say every single day I need to go to a meeting. I don't need to be able to carry God's will into my life. I don't need to go to a meeting every single day, to practice what this book is telling me to practice and to do Alcoholics Anonymous. However, every day I do need to show up, I need to show up as a woman in recovery. I need To show up when somebody is reaching out the hand of AA for help. I Need to show up when there's people around me who are who need from me, I need to show up in the roles that God has assigned me as it talks about in the fear inventory. You know, I need to show up, you know, I need to show up and I need to. And the thing is, is in and of myself, I cannot do that. I can't. I wake up every morning thinking, okay, today is going to be the day where I am going to be patient and loving to my children. And as soon as i get out of my room and they're screaming at each other it goes out the window because that's that's who i am i in and of myself i can't do these things in and on myself i can't be rid of my defects of character in and off myself i cannot be rid of the selfishness and self-centeredness and so here we have an amazing step that that that takes me to god every single time every single time because i can't do it on my own i can do it on my and what that looked like is is that 16 years sober i was gonna drink again you know i not doing these steps thinking that they weren't something i needed to do every day thinking that i could get away with just doing them once in a while led me to become uh an empty vessel of somebody who was not grateful for for anything i wasn't grateful for aa i wasn t grateful for my family i wasn' t grateful for any of the things i had i wanted to trash it all because i just i was done i was d un living the life i was living and i just wanted a drink again because i stopped having that relationship with god i stopped growing that relationship with God. Um, and then I just, uh, want to say, you know, it talks about there's, there's this 10 step prayer. How can I best serve thee? Thy will not mine be done. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line. All we wish it is the proper use of the will at the beginning of this book. I learned that I was powerless over alcohol that my willpower wasn't gonna get me sober i could not get sober on my own willpower i tried by what it says up at the top i was fighting it i was avoiding temptation i was swearing off you know that stuff was my will power that was not going to keep me sober however then this this book in in the in we agnostic says how can i find a power how can i find that power so here in step 10 i've found that power i found that power and so i am allowed to to to meet god's will with my own will as long as i am practicing this and i continue to watch for the for the selfishness self-centeredness the um dishonesty resentments and fear as long as i'm watching for those i am able to match my will with god's will and in that case i can start to use my will god gave us brains to use you know i can't just walk out and be like oh i'm gonna just walk along and hopefully god smacks me with what i'm supposed to do that's not how it works you know um and so this is you know this is the step is something that i need to practice daily absolutely every single day i wake up to a brand new day and i need to start um following these directions on a daily on a basis and here in this this last paragraph of step 10 it says if we have carefully followed directions we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us to some extent we have become god's conscience we have began to develop this vital sixth sense but we must go further and that means more action and so again this is telling me i am not done i have just begun this journey i am NOT done i'll pass it over to Brian yeah thank you you did a great job with that line every day is a day we must carry the vision of god's will into all our activities i do not get a day off i do not get today off every day and i like how i use the word vision and uh i think i need to be awake and alert to to to do that to carry the vision of God's will about all our um what Risa just touched on there this last paragraph if we have carefully followed directions we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us to some extent we have become god conscious we have begun to develop this vital sixth sense i love that great topic for a meeting by the way if you want vital six cents see how that goes um you know reese and i were uh in a park was that last weekend we were in uh we went on a hike and we were at a park and there was a creek not quite a river but a creek you know and it was so beautiful we could hear the uh we could hear the the water and stuff and we just got quiet and sat for a few minutes just quiet with our eyes closed listening to it and then i was you know we were pointing out that like with with our eyes closed we could hear you know the water so much easier you know my my sense of hearing it was increased tremendously with my eyes being closed and then we tried it the other way it didn't work so good but whatever you know so it's like to to increase this sixth sense it's like almost need to you know that that's the idea of getting quiet and and you know dulling my other my other senses basically so i can embrace this vital sixth sense this that's part of my life now you know and yeah you know this i'll just wrap up by saying this is you know 10 11 and 12 these are our instructions every day for the rest of our lives you know and if i can practice this and live in this you know these 10-step promises will stay true for me you know now you know as anybody my spiritual fitness is not judged by if i fall off a beam if i get off track we all do everybody does i mean that's just how it goes right i mean that's Just the nature of it but how quickly do i get back on how quickly do I start doing the work again? And I got to say, you know, the more this 10th step and 11th, you know this kind of stuff. The more I do it, the More I love it the more I love recovery I love being alive and sober and I mean it's, I like the effect of produces doing this work I like the effective produces writing inventory, I mean, I love it. It's, it's. I never thought I would say that really but it's just, I need to continue to write inventory. I need to continue to do this stuff. You know, I need that humility. I will never not need that humanity, no matter how far away I am from a drink or how close I feel to God at any given moment. You Know, I will always need that humidity and it's so important and it is so cool we got these instructions to show us how to do that. Nowhere in this book does it tell you now is time to stop drinking. Stop drinking now. It doesn't say that. It just gives us instructions of how to build this relationship to our creator, how to build and maintain and grow a relationship with God. And that's the secret to it all. You know what I mean? It really is. To me, that's what it's all about. My relationship with god. That's what all this stuff's about. And the more that I can work on that and grow with that, the more free I am, the beautiful it is. So that's all I got on that 10th step. Anything else? I just want to quickly close with, I just talked about how at 16 years sober, I wanted a drink and, and I was done with my life and everything. Well, I got back into the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I started following the directions as they're outlined in the big book. I stated practicing those in my life. And I can tell you today, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams and nothing else has changed. You know, I still have the same kids. I still Have the same husband, I Still have the Same exact life i had three years Ago and nothing has changed other Than my relationship with god and And that that is the promise that Is the hope that is The freedom that this program This book these directions Promise you as long As you follow them as they're Written in the big book thank You Thank Thank you.