Ralph W. at the Pockets of Enthusiasm Online Conference – 2020

About This Speaker Tape

Watts in the 60s was a tough town for a nerd. Ralph W. spent his youth getting jumped on the way to the library, but the physical bruises were nothing compared to the "evil and corrosive thread" of fear that shot through the fabric of his existence. For Ralph, fear wasn't about danger; it was the suffocating need for approval and the terror of what he thought others thought of him. He describes himself as a perpetrator—a man who could wear humility like a costume while remaining a harsh, judgmental critic in secret.

He traces this wreckage back to a father who was put out of the house, leaving him feeling like damaged goods. He admits that for years he ran his life on self-will, a "manual labor" existence of colliding with people and running out of steam. The turning point was the realization that self-reliance had failed him. By resigning from management and surrendering to a Higher Power, he moved from the heavy lifting of the early steps to the "power tools" of a spiritual life....

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Ralph discusses growing up as a nerd in Watts during the 60s and the physical fear of getting jumped on the way to the library.
• 2:15 The 'fear of what I think you think about me' and the paradox of being a harsh critic while seeking approval.
• 5:10 Discussion of the Third Step and the danger of using the program as a 'management tool' rather than a relationship with a Higher Power.
• 7:30 Step 4: Analyzing the resentment inventory and how his father leaving affected his self-esteem and security.
• 10:15 The 'evil and corrosive thread' of fear and the question of why self-reliance fails.
• 13:40 The 'antidote to fear' and the decision to resign from the management of his own life.
• 17:20 Laughter: Story about trying to fit in with the 'fellas in the back' and failing to sound like a 'big boy' in the parking lot.
• 21:10 Step 6 and 7: Dealing with the fear of confrontation and the need for others to be okay with him.
• 25:40 The metaphor of 'window wiping' to remove blocks to grace and the transition to 'power tools' in the 10th step.
• 28:10 Reflecting on his 34 years of recovery and his relationship with his 90-year-old mother.