Ralph W. at the Pockets of Enthusiasm Online Conference – 2020

My name is Ralph White, and I'm an alcoholic. And thank you, Andy. And Nancy, I don't know if Nancy's still on. But gosh, Nancy, you were remarkable. And those are some big shoes to follow. So when we talk about the topic of fear, immediately i'm propelled right in the field i gotta follow her you know nancy was that was remarkable that talk on resentment and resentment inventory and um and i saw my friend mike this morning and i was grateful i got an opportunity to see him i'm in los angeles so i didn't get to see don because i was still asleep uh you guys started pretty early for us here on the west coast so but I'm grateful for the opportunity to get out and share and I'm grateful that I had a chance to hear Mike and I really am grateful I had the chance to your Nancy and this topic of fear why are we talking about about fear anyway. I guess from the time I grew up the notion of fear is something I'm very familiar with. You get a lot of guys that come in the program, tough guys. And I've worked with some and sponsored some people. I'm not scared of anything. I don't know any fears. And then we sit down and we go through it. Pretty soon turns out they're scared of everything. That has not been, that was not an issue for me. As a kid, I grew up in a tough town. I grewup in Watts in the 60s. Nancy mentioned she was born in 54. I was born at 53. I just turned 67 about two weeks ago on 9-11 and so I came from a neighborhood where you know it was full of tough guys and tough people in a tough town and I'm not a tough guy I'm a square guy and I was a nerd growing up and it was not uncommon for me and my brothers on the way to the library because we were those guys to get jumped on on the way to The Library. So the idea of physical fear, kind of familiar with it. But more than that, the kind of fear I'm familiar with early on is one of my big overriding fears which has been with me through all my life. The fear of what I think you think about me. That one has dominated me from my earliest memory. I used to think, and I still do, I don't know where I stand on this idea of nature or nurture. I use to think people get their personalities formed as a result of their experiences growing up, either how their family influences them, how they're raised, the environment, maybe school, and the rest of that. I usually really give a lot more weight to that than I do to maybe there's a genetic predisposition. When we heard Nancy talk, and she talked about her daughter and she expected things from her daughter that just were not in her daughter. And I used to think, well, probably those are the kind of things that over time you grow into. But my grandson came over yesterday. My daughter brought him over and he's my youngest grandson. And he's going to be two in December. So he's not yet two yet. Now, his brother, Artis, is six. And his brother all his life loved people, happy-go-lucky, a smiling, happy baby, seldom crying, the rest of this. Now, Errol, when he comes over, this dude is surly. He's, you know, and I'm thinking, okay, He's going to take a minute to warm up and the rest of that. But I know him, he's my grandson. And so my daughter Rain is like, dad, you know, that's just how he is. I was like, okay, so he's been, no, he means he's moody. He's not even to you guys. And he's got a full fledged personality, you know, and I remember growing up and it's six of us, I have five brothers and we're stair steps and a lot of people here, you You know, four of us are in the program of recovery. And my brother Ron is a year younger than me. And we did everything together. And we came out of the same environment and out of the same house. And his personality in a lot of areas seems identical. And in a Lotta areas, it's night and day different. Same environment, same household, same experiences, night and daytime. And so as a kid, I've always grown up and some of what's going to frame how I see fear and frame why it is that it's been a constant companion of mine and why it isthat some of my life, it has almost had a dominating effect. I'm going to share why that is or why I think it is based on a lot of inventory and based on some self-examination and based on some sponsor feedback and just based on shit. Life now, you know. I'm the kind of guy growing up, like I said, I've always been keenly aware of what I think you think about me. And so that kind of self-awareness has some good parts and some bad parts to it. I'm also the kind of God who believes if it is not my experience, you're lying about it being yours. When you live life the way that I live life, and I'm also a very, very, I'm a harsh critic. I can be extremely judgmental, but I'm so keenly aware of what I think you think, that I know that the traits that I really have in me are traits that most people would find offensive. So most people don't know them about me because I'm a perpetrator. I'm that kind of guy. I can wear humility and the rest. And so as a result of being a harsh critic and hypercritical and super judgmental. One of the reasons why I think fear has had such an overwhelming part in my life is because I know how I think about people. So I've always been extremely fearful of the way people will think about me, because I knew that I was know the capacity people have to judge harshly and to judge quickly and to judge swiftly. And because I do it, because I doing nobody knows that good guy because I'm an approval seeker. So I never would let that, but, but man, uh and that stark truth that came out in inventory is um it's one of the things that you know it has made me useful and it has also been um one of their character defects i've had to work i've have to take to god more than any other is this and so this business of fear you guys. When we first talk about it in the book, and the reason why we talk about it so much, especially if we have any people here that are new, you know, there are some topics that were assigned. One of the topics was resentment. And this topic is this topic of fear. And where does it come from, New Friends? Well, we talked about, there's a part in our book where we talk about being convinced that self manifested in various ways, that self better vested in various ways was what it defeated us. So in Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the things and one of sad conclusions that we came to grudgingly, none of us came to it willingly, but all of us come to the conclusion, we lost. We lost. When I first read was what had defeated, who said I was defeated? Well, you hear, you know, who's what we considered its common manifestations. We considered the way that Ralph Weiss shows up generally in life and the ways in which he shows up and rubs up against other people, number one. And number two, the ways in which he's blocked off from the power of God's grace, you know, the way he's locked off from accessing God's grâce because grace is available to receive or it's blocked. And the things that block me from this grace. And trust me, it's grace that I'm after because that's why I'm here with you guys. I'm not here with you guys because I'm an expert on the book. I're not here with you, guys, because I am an expert on the steps. I am not here with you because I am an expert on Alcoholics Anonymous. I am not here with you, guys, because I am here to give you a primer on how to live free and so can all. I am here with you, guys, by God's grace. And my sponsor, who is Bob B out of St. Paul, Minnesota, It says, Ralph, if you're reading a book or if you practice in the steps or anything other than relationship with the power, then you're doing it as a management tool. Stop it. You know, that's human power. And so this idea of grace, the thing about grace, though, that is tricky is we don't produce it. We don't create it. We can't predict it. We don' t control it. All we do is access it. And that's my journey. And that' s my hope. So this business of this fear deal, and so it's one of our inventories, and I'm going to talk about it in a couple of places. And the first place that we start looking at it, curiously, is not in the fourth step, though that's where we have a long discussion on it. Our discussion on fear starts actually in the resentment inventory in the fifth column. We ask ourselves, what were our mistakes? Where had I been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, or afraid? And so we start looking at fear in connection with our resentments. It's the first place inside of our program of recovery that we really give in a wide discussion when we go into that fourth column. And in connection with my resentments, my dad left us. You know, how did that affect me? You know it affected my self-esteem. There's something wrong with me. You know and affecting my pride. People look down on us. We don't have, we're the kids who don't have a daddy in the house. It affected my personal relationships. I wasn't close to people. If you really get to know me, I know you won't like me. We damaged goods. It affected our relationship. It affected sex conduct. You know I know women see me as weak like my dad. I bind myself in the relationships. It affected my ambition. I wanted, you know, I wanted a father son relationship. I wanted to, you know a Cosby dad. Well back in the day, I don't want to Cosby Dan now, but that's sidebar, you know it affected, you know, my security. I didn't have a safety order that comes from having a father fit in the house, you know my emotional security my physical security. with. So it affected all seven areas of myself, my pocketbook. My mom was a single mom on welfare in the sixties, you know? So it effected all those things. Well, Ralph, your dad left you. What were your mistakes? What's your part in this whole deal? You know? And so I have been dishonest because my dad didn't leave. He got put out. I knew it too. I'd also been dishonest because I act like it's a resentment when he got put off because he was a drunk and he didn't make me proud, and I didn't like it. Me and my brothers kind of celebrated. So now I'm rewriting history, you know, but here's where really the rubber really met the road, you guys, in fear. Fear. I'm afraid there's something wrong with me. I're afraid of being looked down on. I'M AFRAID OF PEOPLE LAUGHING AT US. I AM AFRAD OF BEING EMBARRASSED. I am afraid of BEING humiliated. I'm afraid I'm weak, just like him. I're afraid I'll never be a man. I am afraid that women won't see me as a real man. Fear, fear, fear. And as I go through my inventory and my resentment inventory in the fourth column, Bill, in the example it talks about we bracket it alongside, we bracket the word fear, but that's because right in there one of the things we look at, selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or afraid. So I'm looking at fears right there, you know, and there are lots of fears that come from the fourth column in my inventory, you know? A ton of them, you Know? And one of the overriding fears for me is always a fear of how I look. Fear of looking bad. You know? Fear of being embarrassed. You Know? I had, you know, I had such a fear of, I would rather take, you know, an ass whooping than have you think I'm scared of fighting. You know what I mean? Crazy, you know, fear. Book says we think it ought to be classed for stealing, and so we started in that fourth column in the inventory, and then we segue from there, and then we go into a full-blown discussion of fear. And it is such a serious deal. It's consigned its own separate inventory. So even though I'm writing on fears in the fourth column of my resentment inventory, I now come out of there and then there are some fears I have that are not even associated with resentments, you know? And so now I have the fears that I saw with the resentment inventory. And then I have all these other fears too. And I put them down on writing. Why do I put them down and write? I put him down and right, because the instructions in the book say we put it, we write them down. And there's power in seeing that written word. And so I look at them. And it's described in our book as an evil and corrosive thread. You know, my the fabric of my existence was shot through with it. Well, thread usually is a binding agent, right? You You know, so the fabric, when you have a thread and a fabric, it holds it together. Not so with fear in the fabric of my very existence, my whole life shot through with this evil and corrosive. This thread is destructive. It's not binding. This thread isn't. It eats away at, you know, also this thread, unlike, you know regular thread this evil and corrosive thread that we say we are the class that was still my existence is shot through it i don't believe that what do you mean and so then when we start looking at it and in a mom in a specific way in a laser-like way because we talk about fear throughout all i mean our lives come on you guys you know it's it's uh you can't be one of us and not be driven you know that there's a part in the talks about you know driven by you know 100 forms of fear self-discipline you know delusion and so i'm driven i'm driven by but when we have this detailed discussion it says we ask ourselves why do we have to fear and then there's crazy sentence you guys that follows that we ask us why do we have the sphere wasn't it because self-reliance failed us if you had given me an essay test, and you would say, Ralph, why do you have fear? I wouldn't have said it because self-reliance failed me. So when he came up with that sentence and just said it like it's a test playing to everybody, wasn't it because of self-reliance? I'd be like, wait a minute. We're not just going to speed past that. I don't know it's because self reliance failed me that I have fear. What are you talking about? Isn't it Because Self Reliance Failed Us? Stop. Okay. Now let's jump back. Let's, let's jump back to the A, B and Cs which somebody is going to talk about. Isn't it because, so why would Bill think that that is a conclusion that I should naturally draw? Because we've talked about this already, Ralph. You just don't remember it because I didn't say this part right here is self-reliance failing you. But he says being convinced that any life run on self-will, self-reliance can hardly be a success. Oh, that's what you're talking about. Then we go back to where we start talking about on the basis of me running my life on self- will, I am always in collision with somebody. You mean we're going to now go back to this discussion of the third step? Absolutely. That's when we lay the groundwork for any life run on self-will that can hardly be a success. You know, that's what we lay to groundwork forward. Isn't it? Why do we have a fear? Isn't because self-reliance failed us? Yeah, we talked about this a long time ago, Ralph. We talked about how your self-reliance works. How's that working for you? When you think you know what's best for other people, how's that work? How's it working for them? When you try to check them and put them in their place, how is that working for you, when you think you know what they need. If only everybody else acted right, everything would be okay. How's that working for you? I'm colliding with people. I'm in collision all the time. As a matter of fact, now that you bring that to my attention, oh, that's right. Now I remember we talked about that at the third step. In fact, we got so clear with that and it got so clear to me that me running my life on self-propulsion, number one, it don't work because I collide with people. And number two, I run out of steam. Self-proportion don't happen. So me running my own life can hardly be a success. That's why I got on my knees and did the antidote to fear. I got On My Knees and I said, God, I offer myself to you. The rest of what we'll talk about when it comes to fear is the reinforcement of what I did on my knees. When we talk about fear in its own context, in its only separate inventory, it's going to talk about, you know, we immediately commenced to outgrow fear when we asked God to turn our attention to what he would have us to be. We think we are on a different basis. We are now on the basis of trusting infinite god rather than our finite self that's not a new notion that's the notion that i entered into and the contract i wrote i signed when i said i'm getting out of management i'm resigning i'm out and this third step decision which we're going to talk about throughout the rest of, you know, the remaining steps, all the remaining steps. All of them go to that third step when I said it. Relieve me of bondage of self whole deal. Whole deal too much me between me and the power too much of me between Me and You and the way that I see self it's bondage of self best resentments fears sex conduct inventory so all that we're talking about when we talk about this fear has to do with this bondage yourself deal i got on my knees in the third step think about when it is that i'm the most scared you know um you would think that you want to rise in a position at work, you would think that that's what I most want. The most responsibility for everything. And with the most responsibility comes, I guess, the most fear. I don't have any fear. You know, I do some work and I'm an agent and I have a broker and right now the company, there's a suit that's going on and I don't have any fear about it. I don'T have any feel not the broker. I DON'T make the decisions. I'M NOT management. It affects the company. I DONT have fear about that. I DON't have fear about even though it may have some impact on me. I DON'T have any fear about them. What are the things that I think that I have the most fear about them? The things that I take the most ownership of and the things that I think I have the most. That's where self-reliance is really, and self-reliance, check this out. When we go to the part where it says self- reliance is fine as far as it went, it just didn't go far enough. Self-reliance is fine. As far as it goes this far, self- Reliance is okay when I'm not relying on Jeanette or I'm not relying Pete or I am not relying Gary to take steps for me and think I may end up recovering. Self-reliance is fine when Ralph takes charge and takes responsibility for his own recovery. Self-reliance is fine when I don't expect Daryl or I don' t expect Andy to pay my rent for me. Okay, Ralph, go get a job. Self-supporting through your own contributions. Self- reliance is find as far as that goes. Well, how come it doesn't go far enough? Because what Ralph does is not only does Ralph Ralph expects you, especially if you're in my orbit, to think, do, behave and act the way that I think you're supposed to think Do, behave, and react And then here's the cold part I want to be able to determine how it is you respond And accommodate me You know, and the biggest fear a guy like me has always had When it talks about self-reliance You know, you guys, I gave a lot of thought about that because that sentence has taken on new form for me. The pandemic is a scary time for a lot of people. It's a very scary time for a whole lot of people and I was reading in my morning meditation one morning and I Was reading where when you see fear and in that COVID deal and then what we're right now, you know what I'm able to say? When you see the presence of fear, replace it. See the presence God. Wherever you see presence of God. And inside that, this has been some months that I've been practicing that. And I don't mean to dismiss concerns that anybody has or any loss than anybody has suffered. But inside what could be a very scary time, I see nothing but God. God doesn't cause everything, but I think God is in all things. And I've had an opportunity to be renewed in my recovery. I've Had an opportunity be renewed in Alcoholics Anonymous. I have an opportunity to Be Renewed inside my sponsorship. I'Ve Had an Opportunity to be Renewd inside my walk with the power i've had an opportunity to really take a deeper dive in what it is we've been blessed with i've Had an opportunity and i see opportunity you know so when this deal of fear you know comes up and um so i i and i guess that came from so i took a deep dive if if the whole deal ralph why do you have fear because self-reliance failed you if that's the whole thing what does self-reliance look like well i think synonymously in the book is referred to several ways and when i started looking at the other ways it got referred to it got real clear to me you know what is self- reliance usually looked at the way self-will self-will bondage of self everything we do so when I started looking at it like that and I started looking at this freedom I got on my knees in the third step check this out you guys there are a couple of entities who I think are like the most worry free and the most fearless less entities in the world, and they're cool. And I think it's babies and well-tended, well-loved dogs. They don't worry about nothing. They get fed. In the case of babies, they get clothed. When they cry or when they're hungry, they can make a mess. They can pee on the floor. In the case of dogs and baby, people just change them. People don't get mad. Whatever it is they do, if the owners love the dog, they're always glad to see them. They never get any crosswords. Now, it depends on who the parents are or the owners are, but if they're well-loved babies. So think about that when I go to the third step. When I think about that when I go to the third step. And I say, okay, God, I offer myself to you. And that's antidote. So we don't usually associate third step when we start talking about fear inventory. And we don'T usually associate first step when We talk about six and seven, which is again, where I address these fears, because this fear based behavior, this idea of I can't look bad, you know, this, I was walking up to a meeting one day, you guys, and a guy saw me and he says, hey man, oh, you Ralph, you're the lawyer, right? And I'm like, yeah, I'm not a lawyer. My brother Ron was a lawyer for many years and he talked a lot and everybody confused us. Why do I have to say that? what what is this about me that I cannot let you I was at a I was at a conference one time you guys and I heard a speaker say when you treat me special I feel normal when you treat me normal I feel rejected you know what is it where is this place I come from where it's just like in Bill's story the drive for success was all not for success sake not because I wanted to do something important not because I wanted to do something of value and use the mankind or the people or the family or anything, the drug, I proved to the world. I was important. I proved it. Well, I gotta be important. I gotta stand out. I can't be invisible. You know, this idea, this fear, you know, And it's a driving and corrosive fear. You know that one in me is, um, You know I've done stupid things behind that fear. I've done incredibly, you know, tragic, observing behind that field. Coming up new. You know, if we got anybody new on the platform to the program of recovery, you know this is a new way of life we embrace. It's a manner of living. It's not just coming in here and taking some steps and reading them and reciting them so I could take. It's so it's a lifestyle and it takes a while, you know? And so when I was transitioning from my old life to this new way of life that I've been with you guys on. As a side note, my sobriety date is October the 11th, 1986. So in about eight or nine days, I'll be celebrating 34 years of recovery, but we don't give fronts, 33 years over, you know? And so in that period of time, man, some things have happened I wasn't expecting. You're talking about this outgrowing fear thing. and uh so when i was transitioning because i've always been a square and i've alway been a nerd i've allways been um um girls i was the guy you could take and introduce to mom you know before i descended all the way to the bottom you know i was a nice guy and i was the school boy i don't call you out of your name you know part of that is and it's not virtue that's fear i can't you know if a woman cuts me out and i'm i can hit you and then you can embarrass me and women have that in them and do it in front of people so so some of that has fear and some of this fear in in in breaded me by my mom because my mom is a very strong woman you know but part of it is the way i'm built man i'm built that way you know so I do that kind of deal but I like hanging with with the fellas in the back so I'm hanging with guys because you know I never want to be considered what I am square nerd you know and so as a result of that I always hang with other guys and so I'll take on uh I'll taker on the plumage or whatever group it is that I'm running with right I'm at a meeting about a year and a half, maybe not even a year sober, at a home group, at a meeting, spiritual meet, coming out in the parking lot. And I know some ladies will find this surprising, and maybe some of the gentlemen, but believe it or not, some of The Fellas in the parking lot after meetings are still having conversations that aren't a whole lot different than conversations they were having at the back of the LIQ, and talking about women in a way that's not the most complimentary. And so I'm in the circle and I want to be a big boy, you know, but I'm transitioning from the life to this life, right? I'm transitioning, you Know, and so some stuff don't fit in this life that was comfortable in that life. And I'm In the back and you know and and the conversations going and I must have said something that I must've, you No, talked and spoke in a word tone or something. And i said yeah man and and i must have said and the dude turned and looked at me like dude that don't even sound right coming out your mouth and when it came out my mouth it didn't sound right here's the thing about defective character of being this hyper over sensitive to what i think people think about me at times it works because um i caught dude catching me and i said oh shit he knows that that doesn't even sound right. I look stupid. I feel stupid. And of course, being at the point I was at that time, when I do something stupid, I go home and think about it for about a month. You know, I don't want to go see people again, you know, it's eating my lunch, but that's a good thing. That's a Good Thing too. Because I'm outgrowing some stuff, you guys. I didn't know I was outgrowering some stuff. And what ended up happening as a result of doing inventory and as a result. You'll find your own voice in Alcoholics Anonymous, and you'll find your own walk in Alcoholic Anonymous. And you will have your own experience in Alcoholism Anonymous and you grow up provided you do some of this stuff that we're talking about doing, you know, and in that, and so in that fear in the inventory, and it talked about we began to outgrow fear. I got a tremendous fear of confrontation and not, and this is not necessarily confrontation that's going to be angry. Sometimes it's just addressing some stuff that needs to be addressed. I don't like discomfort. I don'T like to make you uncomfortable. I get uncomfortable if I'm going to have a conversation with you that's going to make me uncomfortable. That's going make you uncomfortable. Why? Not because I'm a good guy and not because I'M thinking about you. I need you to be okay with me for me to be okay with me. Right? So big growth and recovery, walking through that fear for me had to be that some people that's not the way it shows up for them. Some people have a very good time putting other people down. So when you do inventory and when you look at the way fear presents, and when you Look at that's, that's for you and a sponsor to look at how it presents in your life. How it presents In your life, I'm the kind of guy, some people don't have any problem saying no, hell no, you can't get nothing from me. I'm the kind of guy that had a fear so long that sometimes, to a stranger, I might give you some money that'll hurt my family because I got this fear of you thinking badly about me or I have this fear I need your approval that bad. So for me, I had to grow. Fear looked very different for me. Very different for me. And so it's this program. Spiritual is not cookie cutter. You don't treat a spiritual condition through mechanical means so when you do this deal that's why it's very good to have it with a sponsor and have very good tablet with a guide that goes through this with you you know so this this journey uh has been so rewarding but not too long ago not too Long ago I just had something that went down and I you know I had a deal that I was doing and I was in, and it's kind of, uh, and it's a friend and needed to, you know, and I'm, I'm being the person in the middle because the other two people, it's, it're it's just best. I was the person in the middle. Uh, and we got to a point where this is what fear does for me. And we say it's the chief activator of our character defects, right? And fear for me, the defect that it can activate for me too, is it can make procrastination evasive, avoid, you know. I don't want to say lie, but yeah, probably lie. I'm going to say lying because I don' t want to lie. That means say lie. You know, that's what it will bring out in me, this fear of confrontation. And this confrontation, like I said, wasn't an angry one. This was a confrontation where somebody had to be approached and this had to Be done and the date was here and i'm the person who There's nobody else to do it. And this is a friend and I don't want to have this awkward conversation And i'm a grown-ass man and i'M 67 years old in real life and iM 33 years sober and I still get scared of hurting somebody's feelings and not so much for your feelings sake as much as what it is that you'll think about me you know and so i was the situation was right there i showed up wasn't expecting them to be there they were there you know ann needs to be addressed right now well they don't see me so I'm walking to my car. I'll see him the next time, and I do what it is we do in 6-7, you guys. 6- 7 is not about me working on my defense. You heard Nancy when she talked about talking to her daughter and her daughter saying, you know, I'll just, I just won't, you know, and willing it on herself to be something she can't. And that's the same with six and seven. Six and seven is okay, God, I'm done. This is bigger than me. It's beyond me. You know, here I am again, one more time. We get so many opportunities, you guys, we get it in three. God, here I am just like this. Take me. We get it in seven. Here I am incomplete, you know, flawed, all this good and bad. Take Me Just Like This. We Get It In 11, You Know, All Through The Day. Tell Me What Your Job, Give Me My Assignment And Give Me The Power To Carry It Out. We'll Get It All Through The Day, The Antidotes For This, All Going Back To The Fear Antidote And The Third Step. I'm standing on that. That's my rock. And so I'm walking, I say, okay, God, I need you to order my steps and I need You to turn me around. And we turn around and we go back and we had a conversation. And as I'm walkin' back, you guys, it's amazing this walk of ours. When you're doing the initial one through nine, especially one through four or five. You know, when you're doing that, it's a lot of heavy lifting in four. And it's a lot heavy lifting in five. I got to pick up the pen. I write down a lot of names, you know, and I spend a lot of time. Usually, if I haven't done an inventory before at first, my first couple, it is a couple of hours or so you know sitting down with somebody and it's heavy lifting I need the power it is power but I have not connected to them I'm blocked this is unblockage work so some of it is heavy lifting on my part and it really takes a sponsor working with me too to assist me with the lifting you know but the good news about it usually what helps with that heavy lifting is that propulsion I usually have a fresh foot up my behind because it's still so fresh. That's why we encourage you to get in the inventory early. Because when you've been around a while, that propulsion of desperation, it's kind of that propellant is out of your fuel, you know? And so now it's harder, but when it's fresh, you do a lot of digging and you see some big chunks of truth about yourself. And then you do six and seven and it's an ongoing deal. You don't do it. it's a preparing myself and I get in position and I see God work. I see God work, you know, because I don't try to do it. And then when I get ready, because six and seven is getting me ready to go knock on some doors. I'm getting ready to Go Knee to Knee and Eye to Eye and they're going to see a different person than the guy that did whatever it is he's describing that he did. that's the power of Alcoholics Anonymous you know you see the power of Alcoholic Anonymous when you're in a nice step that juxtaposition what you're describing and the person describing it what and that's a big place of fear to overcome so when you come through that and so now as you're doing that and cleaning up you know nancy talked about uh her sponsor and i believe i know who her sponsor is from her conversation and her sponsor if it's who i think it is always talks about when i come out of the night step now i'm walking on the sunny side of the street walking on when i'm doing that i'm on the sunnyside of the stream see now i've done enough of this blah you know i've done enough of this window wiping, I call it, because we don't produce the grace, but we wipe the window because we're blocked. We're blocked, so I don't, you know, I don'T produce, I wipe the windows, I just smudge the window and so now I'm walking in the sunlight of the spirit and I'm in this realm of the Spirit now that new area called and so when you do stuff like when I walked away from that conversation. You already know by, and you can call it by name, you know that was God at work, you start doing this other stuff where you see, we talk about fear again when we talk about the 10th step, where I'm watching out for the same things that I did heavy lifting. How come I can do it so quick now in the 10 step? Because I'm working with power tools. I was blocked before now I'm unblocked I call it manual labor one through nine when I get up to 10 I'm working with power tools now that's why the 10th and 11th step even though they talk about still watching for the same things in the fourth step we don't have to take a long time and write just like this I'mworkingwithpowertools you guys it's the difference between having a manual saw and having an electrical just like that and so this business of fear inventory. And it talks about just to the role, just to the extent we play the role he assigns. You know, he'll enable us to match calamity with serenity. To the extent that we play a role he assigns, you guys I came to you October 11th, 1986 and I didn't know I was getting an assignment October 11th of 1986. And that assignment will be fulfilled in 2020 through a series of a lot of stuff going on, you know, for the last five years i've been it's been me and my mom you know and uh i never knew how i would make complete amends she's 90 years old and in this the craziest time of both our lifetimes she don't have to sit through it by herself just to the extent we play the role here you know and this idea of a powerful stuff man powerful stuff and so that that that third step is the antidote to the fear you know so it circles back around without knowing it and that's why that sentence you know we ask ourselves why we have the fear isn't it because self-reliance failed us okay we think there's a better way and that way is relying on you know infinite God rather than our finite self. That's why I offer myself to him. My name is Ralph White. I am an alcoholic.