Blasphemy Was My Hobby Until a Comma in We Agnostics Broke Me Open 😂 – Runar J.

Good evening. My name is Runar, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Runar! Actually, I'm used to being able to quiet people down, and I introduce myself because most people can't pronounce my name. You did a pretty good job. So, yeah, I said I'm an alcoholic. First of all, I'm from Iceland. I started my drinking when I was 12. And I'm not going to spend too much time on my drinking story because it's too long and too many places and too many people. But the first eight years of my drinking were kind of... Well, I guess 12 is young, but if you're in AA, it isn't. The first time I had a drink, something dramatically changed. I don't believe that I was born an alcoholic, and if I had never had a sip of alcohol, I probably would never have become an alcoholic. But from the moment I had my first drink, I don't... I was definitely an alcoholic, and that's all I wanted to do. So I spent my teens trying to get booze. I'm just going to get rid of this. Drinking, recovering, whatever it was. By the time I was 15, I would say I was a full-blown alcoholic where I would start drinking, and I wouldn't... I never knew when I would stop. Sometimes it was just a night, and sometimes it was just a night. Sometimes it was just a night, and sometimes it was just a night. Sometimes it was a weekend, or sometimes it was... I think my first week staying drunk was when I was 16 years old. I started running... I'm not running away from home, but I started leaving because somewhere else was much better than where I was. And the first time I was 15, I went to a boarding school. Well, you know, I was... And that's kind of part of my story. I was kicked out of school, and I went to another school, a boarding school, that I was also kicked out of. And that's kind of... My story goes that way. I went to a different town because I didn't want to live where I was. I was 17, and they fired me from the job I was working, and they kicked me out of the town. So I decided to go to another country. I went to Denmark and went to school there. Well, actually, they didn't fire me out of the school, but they kicked me out of Denmark. So by the time I was 20, my future was so bright. I couldn't keep a job. I couldn't keep a place to live. I didn't know how to live. I just, you know, all I had was a lot of debt, a lot of people that didn't care too much about me, and it was just miserable. I didn't think I had a drinking problem, but I had some kind of an anger problem. And it seemed to go together, drinking and getting drunk. And I was just miserable. And I was just miserable. And I was just miserable. And I was just getting angry. So, and actually at that time, June or May or something of 82, I was 20 years old. I started working in a restaurant. It was a fine dining restaurant. And we have a little bit different system back home. And a lot of European countries, actually, if you want to work in a fine dining restaurant, you have to go through an apprenticeship. So I signed up for that. And just this thing of putting on the bow tie and wearing the tuxedo, something happened. You know, and walking around with all that fine wine and the crystal and all that stuff. And then, you know, I actually had been a commercial fisherman most of my life until then. And there was just the communication was totally different on a fishing boat in a fine dining restaurant. And it wasn't so much a problem with the customers, but my co-workers, they didn't like the way I was. And I like this new life. I like the tie and I like the stuff. And so, and I knew that I would, you know, I would drink my way out of this and I would, you know, fight my way out of that job. And so I decided to stop drinking. And that was my first attempt. Somewhere in the summer of 1982, I went to my first AA meeting on December 6th, 1982. So, and this starts my second phase of my drinking, the drinking while in... In AA, which lasted for about 12 years. Every time I came in, I stayed for a year or more, as long as it was two and a half. I was introduced to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It wasn't until 1994 that I was introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And those two are completely different things. They go well together, but they're two separate things. I did everything I was told to do when I came into AA. But a lot of the things I was told to do just didn't have anything to do with being an alcoholic, you know. Take a walk and think about your feelings or, you know, just talk about it, whatever it is. A lot of different things that just didn't make any sense, but I did them, though. And one thing that I always did when I came into AA was I wanted to look sharp and I wanted to have a job and I had to have a car and I had to have a girlfriend and a job and whatever. And I always waited for that recognition that somebody would walk up to me and say, yeah, you're okay, you're going to be sober. And that was kind of, you know, that was the thing. And then I could relax. And every time I got drunk, I was, you know, the term in AA, I guess, is stark, stark, raving sober. One of the times I remember I was working in a restaurant. The waiters, we had our own, we owned the booths, bought it from the house and then sold it and opened this bottle of marijuana. It was nine o'clock, ten o'clock, whatever. An hour later, I had drank the whole bottle. It was a fifth of rum. I hadn't been sober for a year at that time. And it didn't make any difference. And I didn't think about it, you know, until much later. I ended up with a gallon of vodka somewhere out in town and when I was down on the shoulders of that, that's when I finally, you know, relaxed. And this tells me that the condition I was in, you know, it kind of, the insanity comes to mind. I had no idea. I knew, and I was certain of this, that if I just figured out how to drink, I would be okay. And I also figured out that if I just, if I had the right job, you know, right girlfriend, I don't know, it's just, I was so certain that there was this thing that would make it okay. And I chased that. And the drinking was, you know, I never believed that the drinking was really the problem. It's just how I drink. If I just could figure out how to do that. I had this, I'm not going to spend too much time on my drinking story. It's, you know, I end up, I moved from Norway after I'd been sober for a year another time, unless it's in 87, May 2nd, 1987, and I started drinking May 2nd, 1987. I stayed drunk for four years, and stopped drinking in 91, back to AA. And when I stopped drinking then, I remember waking up and it was like, the first thing I sensed was my liver. I was like, yeah, okay, it's time to do something. And there was, I guess, a physical reason. I was starting to do, I was pretty heavy and, you know, not feeling good and whatever, you know, and really tired. And everything was, I had a good job, a well-paying job, and I was keeping it. And of course, I had the perfect Al-Anon, and she was just, she was just making it all working, you know, and she was paying the bills, and she was keeping a track of me, and she was making sure that I came home, and she was making excuses for me, and it was just the perfect world, you know. And I wouldn't have lasted that long without her help. So, June 24, 1991, I stopped drinking again. And I stayed sober for two and a half years, and in the meantime, I stopped the process of coming over to the, to the United States in the 93, September, actually, September 11, this is strange, 1993, we moved to the States. And I'm, you know, this thing of not having any mental defense against the first drink, I know that feeling. I know how that feels. Then I started happening there in September, October of 93. I just started moving towards a drink. I knew I was going to drink, and I knew I couldn't do nothing about it. I had no defense. And always what I did, with her, was I started telling her, I started convincing her, I started telling her the idea that now, you see, you're finally here in the States, you know. It's a different country, you know, and I've been sober for two and a half years. This is going to be totally different. This time, I can handle it. And to prove it, I went to this place called Espad in La Jolla, California, and I had, yeah, Mike knows the place, and I had a shot of Jim Beam. Nothing happened. Three days later, I was in the bar. I was working in the restaurant across the street. I was in the bar, and I'd been there for two and a half hours, and my bathtub was 20, you know, 20 drinks. And that's what it was, you know, for the next few months. Every time I came to work, 11.30, and I stayed there for two and a half hours, and I had 20, 25 drinks. And I drank every day. I got up in the morning, and I went across the street, and had a bottle of wine, and a couple of, and then I went to work, and I started drinking at work. And I drank, you know, through the night, and then when I was done working. And I, January 21st, I started drinking. February 16th, I met a woman in the bar, and I went home with her, and I never came back to my wife again. I had this fantasy of how, how my perfect drinking life was going to be, and it was going to be me and a tuxedo. Two women on each side. And drinking champagne. You know, and it was just, that was the picture perfect. Fantasy of, of how it was going to be when I figured this thing out. So my last drink, see, I was close. I almost made it. When I woke up June 24th, 1994, I was wearing a tuxedo. And I called my new-to-be ex-wife. She's on the other side of the phone, and I actually woke up in my ex-wife's house. So there's, the two women were there, the tuxedo was there, and the champagne was probably, some of it's still in my system, but it wasn't exactly the way I imagined. So there I am. And I always, you know, because I was 20 when I came in, and a lot of people said, you know, you're too young. And I believed that for, you know, for the next five years, I believed that I was too young to stop drinking. And I realized at 32 that I wasn't. So the one that I was, the one that I was, the one that I was, the one that I wanted to live with, she said, I packed your stuff, and I don't want you back unless you stop drinking. And the one I didn't want to live with, she didn't care. So I told her I wouldn't drink, so I could come back home. And I didn't want to stop drinking. I had no desire, none whatsoever. And for the next five or six weeks, every day I promised myself I'll drink tomorrow. Because I just knew that, you know, I couldn't stay sober, no way. And it's a tricky deal, because tomorrow never comes, you know, because it's today, and I can drink tomorrow. And that lasted, like I say, five or six weeks. And it's like, what can I do? You know, I can go back to AA, but I know by now that AA doesn't work. So, but, you know, it's a place to hang out, right? You know, if you want some cheap coffee and, you know, some conversation, it's a place to hang out. But, I'd done that so many times. They're not bad people. So, I'll start going to meetings. And I did. And, for the longest time, you know, that's just basically what I was doing. I was doing things I'd been taught to do in AA, just kind of talk about the mess in my head. You know, just take as much time as I could from the meeting and just talk about that mess. And listen to other people talk about the same mess. And hopefully, you know, come out of the meeting equally depressed as I came in or a little bit, a little bit less depressed, you know. Hopefully, I wouldn't be more depressed. Then, somewhere along the line there, a guy in a meeting catches my attention. He talked differently and just walked differently and he just had something. And I wanted what he had. And I asked him, where he was going to meetings. And he told me, it was men's meetings in La Jolla, California. And I started going there. And I don't know about you, I was very intelligent when I stopped drinking. I was probably one of the smartest people to walk this earth. And I have a great understanding of very complicated formulas and things and suggestions and philosophies and stuff. And I just about knew everything. And strangely enough, I didn't impress these guys in the men's meeting. And I was actually, in one of his meetings, I was actually told to sit down and shut up. I've heard a lot of people say that, but, you know, I know the feeling. I had a choice. I could go back to the meetings. And hope that I would just stay equally depressed. Or I could go to these meetings that had something that I wanted. And I debated and I did go back and I did try to do it the way I, you know, knew. And then I got convinced slowly. I think the term is desperation. You know, this is the best place I've ever been. If you haven't been there yet, you know, I hope so. So, you know, I hope certainly that you make it there. So I started going after what, you know, what they had. And the strange thing, there was no way for me to get the word in the meeting. You know, I was not going to be pointed out. And I couldn't raise my hand because they were all, that was the meetings, you know. It was just, whoever chaired, picked. Whoever spoke. And they never picked me. They didn't know how much great, many great things I had to say. But they never picked me. And something happened in one of these meetings. There were two mass meetings that I actually was going to a lot. And one of them was fairly big, 120, 130 guys. The other one was probably 60, 70. Half of it was from a treatment center. But a strange thing happened in one of these meetings. Suddenly my head was quiet. Because I wasn't anticipating. Having to let you know how much I knew. Because I knew nobody was going to call on me. And that was amazing. That was a spiritual experience. You know, the first time probably ever in my life my head was quiet. There were a lot of different things and, you know, a lot of different actions from a lot of different guys. I sure would hope, you know, it would be a great, great deal if, if just one thing from one person would be enough for an alcoholic to get it. But in most cases that's not the case. And in my case, definitely not. One of the, one of the gentlemen, he, I tried to talk to him a few times. And he just looked at me like I was, you know, I don't know what. He didn't want, he just didn't want to talk to me. He's like, turned away and started talking to somebody else. One of them walked up to me. I think this is close to nine months. He walks up to me. And I told you earlier, I always waited for that approval in AA. And I noticed that he was looking at me. And I was expecting that, you know, he was going to be it. He was going to be the one that said, you know, yeah, you made it in AA. You're going to be sober. And finally he walks up to me and, you know, and says, it's time. I'm like, for what? It's time for you to get drunk again. And he just walked away. And the truth is, you know, that I'd been for these months and I hadn't done nothing. I'd pretended to know everything. And, you know, I just played it cool or whatever it was I was trying to do. And he just, he knew what was up. And of course, I did the only thing an alcoholic would do. I got huge resentment. They're so helpful, early in sobriety. I started paying attention. I had made a few attempts. I think it was two guys that I'd asked to be my sponsor. And it just didn't work out. And then I approached this gentleman and he said, no problem. And the funny thing about that guy was he never had time. I even called him here from Alaska. He started coming up here to fish. And so I could see the phone calls. And the longest phone call was like five minutes. I never talked to him more than five minutes. And I knew a few sentences by heart. And they were, you know, you know what to do. Call me anytime. It's in the book. And that's basically what it was. And what he told me there in the beginning was, well, it's all about step three. So you need to take a look at those first three steps and let me know when you're ready. And I was like, you know, I always knew what to do. I mean, I couldn't start, you know, I couldn't start asking for help. I always knew what to do. But something starts happening, you know. And I think the biggest deal. See, there's one thing that we definitely do not know when we get in here. And that's this idea. I might be wrong. It's this idea of surrender. I heard people talk about it. But it took me a long time to figure it out. I hadn't a clue. I had no clue what that was all about. And there were a few things that I had a hard time saying. And definitely, see, when I came into AA this time around, I didn't want to stop drinking. And I did not want to believe in God. And I'm a proof that, you know, that doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter. But I have this theory, and I test it regularly, that all the people in AA that continue, that achieve that happy, joyous, and free, they've all reached the same point. Well, desperation is kind of the road. But they've all reached that same point where in utter hopelessness, we cry out to God that we don't want to deal with, or we want to deal with, or whatever the case may be, and say, help me. And everybody, it seems like everybody has gone through that same moment. And it happened to me. Even though I didn't want to believe in God, and I didn't want to deal with God, I had to. I had no place left to go. I had tried everything else. And I tried to figure it all out. And I tried to do it, fix it, make it something. Strange thing happened. See, and of course, you know, not wanting to believe in God, I did not believe in miracles either. So, so, so, when the thing happens, that the obsession is removed, a miracle in my mind because it never left. And some other changes that happened after that, you know, that moment when I asked God for help. I became willing to do whatever I had to do. I have, I think I've lost it now, but I had the big book in Icelandic from 1984. Probably bought it in 1984. so it's been with me. Many times I looked up at, you know, Chapter 5, how it works, you know. It's like, I would never read the manual anyway, but, you know, if you're going to read the manual, you probably want to figure out how it works. And so I read that many times. And this time around, I figured out, maybe I need to start a little before the back of the book. Maybe that's a better idea. And I've forgotten my... I have a... When I started reading the book, you know, this time around, I had a pocket edition. It went with me wherever I went, you know. And I started reading with a marker, and it's kind of interesting because I can see what I was reading, you know, the first time around, and there are three things that I marked. And the first thing is in the 6th chapter. That's what I started reading. Because that's into action. Everybody was talking about the action, action, action. You know, I better read that chapter, you know. The clue must... The clue must be there, you know. For God's sake. But what they got in that chapter, they got this prayer. Can you believe it? They have to stuff them everywhere. So I marked that, you know, because I was going to point that out to somebody. And now I'm reading the book backwards. So I go to chapter 5, and I notice there's a prayer there too. Come on, you know. Why does it have to always, you know, get that stuff mixed together? So I marked that. And then I'm reading, you know, now I'm reading the book backwards. So I get to chapter 4, and, you know, if any of you have read chapter 4, if you're anything like me, you know, it's going to have a profound effect. But it didn't have any effect in the beginning until I started reading. I don't know if I can find it. I should have taken my book because I could find it right away. But it says something about... Yes. We... Let me read... Instead of regarding ourselves as intelligent agents, spearheads of God's advancing creation, we agnostics and atheists choose to believe that our human intelligence was the last word, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end of all. Rather vain of us, wasn't it? We who have traveled this dubious path, thank you to lay aside prejudice. No problem there. I have no prejudice whatsoever. I don't care what color, sexual preference, whatever it is. Not me. But there's a comma there and it goes on. Even against organized religion. Why do you have to do this to me? At this point I was convinced. So what I did, I started from the beginning. And it's a remarkable book. And of course I guess it helped because I was convinced. I was walking around with a lot of guys that... I believed them. I believed they had been... Well, they told me... And I believed they were where they told they were. I believed that it was genuine. I believed that they had the life. And there was no doubt about it. It was just being around them was good. And they had something I wanted. So I believed that. And I know that it was through other men that I gained that trust, trust enough to be willing to let go of whatever I had to let go of to be able to do what I had to do. And it's an interesting little book. And I don't know... See, most alcoholics, I guess, a lot of alcoholics go through this. You know, I was a loner. I just... I never... I don't know if you ever started a new job. You know, did you ever ask directions? No. You know, it's like... Do you know how to do this? Sure. And then I spent the day just sweating, figuring out how to do it, you know. I'm not going to ask anybody. And of course in AA I'm going to do the same thing. But in this case I have the sponsor that, you know, that I'm trying to ask him and he always tells me, you know, you know what to do. It's in the book. It's in the book. And I have no idea. And for me it finally dawned on me maybe that's what he was suggesting or maybe, maybe what it was that he just didn't have time. But what I think he was suggesting or at least what the effect it was having on me was that whatever it is, wherever it is, I have no idea where it is in the book for you. I couldn't tell you to read, you know, even against organized religion and that would make any difference for you. But that had a profound impact on me, reading that. So it's in the book. But I don't know what page. I don't know which line. But it's in the book for anybody. Got to read it. Got to read it. So I was raised in Lutheran religion. And stayed in churches, not separated in Iceland. And, you know, I had a... It was a passion. It was a passion. My hate towards Christian religion. It was certainly preventing me to move on. Blasphemy was a hobby. So I like to do the same thing with AA. There are certain things we don't talk about in AA. But that's my experience. I'm not sure how far I've reached. Okay, I have to say this. Being able, the first time, to sit down and tell my deepest, darkest secrets to somebody, and have them laugh at me, that was freedom. When I was doing that fourth step, and getting the same directions, and getting tired of them, you know what to do, it's in the book. I finally figured out a few things. And one of them was that probably a good idea, if you want to understand the step you're working on, is to read the step following. And what they talk about in the fifth step is, you know, admit to God, ourselves, and our human being, the exact nature of my wrongs, you know. So I realized that that's what I was looking for. And I started looking for it. And something strange, something strange happened. I realized that I had always... See, I thought I was... Because they talk about the sociopath, which once was called a psychopath, but now it's changed. Now it's a sociopath. And I thought I was a sociopath. I thought just... You know, I just didn't see what was the right thing. And I didn't know. And I thought, you know, that's a sociopath. But I realized, finally, that no, I was not. I always knew, and I have always known the difference between right and wrong. It's just the fear was preventing me from doing what was right. And for me, that was, you know, that was one of the things I discovered in writing my fourth step. And that was amazing. And the exact nature of my wrongs, it's somehow, when I start seeing my defects, everything following becomes much easier because now I realize that people are pissed off at me because of what I was doing and my defects. We're causing all this behavior. I went through the steps. Did I understand all of it? No. No clue. But my life was changed. The obsession was removed. So I come up to Alaska. That was the second time I come up to Alaska in probably 96. And I go out in the Bering Sea of January 96 for a crab season. And on the first day of the season, I smash my finger. And bones and tendons are sticking out. And I'm from Iceland. I'm a Viking. I'm not going to give up. So I don't. And I'm in pain. I get tendinitis in my left hand. And, you know, I'm miserable. And I start picking at this guy because I need an outlet. And I call him all sorts of names. The only one I remember, is probably the nicest one, Monkey Boy. But somewhere in this whole process, I'm in his face, speaking not too loudly so that everybody else can hear. And he's suddenly down on me. He's Mexican. He's suddenly down on me. He doesn't understand a word of English. He doesn't understand a word of English. Through my head, this, this thing, you know, character defect. Because I didn't read the 12 by 12 too much. But this time I decided, yeah, I'm going to check it out. And the first sentence in the sixth step, this is the step that separates the boys from the men. Okay, I got it, man. I got it. So I found out that they, when they wrote the book, they had so much faith in the book that they were willing to send it out. And we talk a lot about that, you know, that you have to go to meetings, you have to have a sponsor. A lot of things you have to do. And I don't believe that. I think if you have an opportunity to go to a meeting, why don't you? And if you have an opportunity to work the steps of somebody, do it. But I was out in the Bering Sea for about six months when I made maybe three meetings. All I had was the shares. And the first thing I did was tell the truth in the book. And the first thing I did was when I was doing my Jesus story, he read the book carefully and no one would think, you know, a Christian might read the book correctly in the book. And I believed that. The sentence, you know, burned the idea and the consciousness of every man that he can recover regardless of anyone. All he needs to do is to clean house and trust God. And I believe that. And I believe that's the essence of the program. And that's what I need to do. I need to clean house and I need to trust God. I don't need anything else. Everything else is a bonus. So, June 24th, they're, well, you know, it's later. And I'm so convinced today that, you know, that there's so much difference between the fellowship and the program. And that I have a responsibility, and not only a responsibility, because I've gotten a life that I never expected I would get. I was what they categorize as a hopeless, helpless drunk. I don't know if you know what a hopeless, helpless drunk is, but I imagined. I did not believe that anything was going to change. But everything has. AA, this idea, has given me something so worthwhile. I can never pay it back, and I'm so happy that I can't. I can make attempts, and I will. And I will continue to do whatever I have to do to carry the message, to do what has to be done in AA. I will be available for anyone, anywhere. And it's my responsibility. I have to do what I have to do. And I have to make sure. See, it's none of my business what everybody else does. But I have to make sure that the message, as I understand it, comes across. Because I know that that's how I got it, that there were men that shared their experience, and they were totally different. And it's our common responsibility to make sure that the message is there. That we don't get stuck in the wrappings. And how we do things. That we're making sure that it's about another alcoholic talking to an alcoholic. Or an alcoholic talking to another alcoholic. What has happened? I started college now, 40. I was always on my way to college. But it's taken me, I'm eight years, some months sober. It's taken me all this time to figure out. I'm not going to use the word that I was thinking of. That I was really in bad shape. I had no clue. I had no clue that I had no social skills. I had no clue that I was so full of myself that I could not take suggestions from anyone. I had no clue that I was in such a bad shape that I just didn't know how to live my life. I'm still baffled of the state I was in. And that I didn't know how to live my life. And that I didn't know how to live my life. didn't have a clue. AA has given me this opportunity to make things right. And it's also given me an opportunity to share this and to participate in this. And I always get amazed when I think about AA because I spent 12 years in and out. And when I came this summer, I had no faith whatsoever that this was going to do anything. If you're new, if you're not so new, the fellowship, that's the bonus. Make sure you get to know people, get some phone numbers and call them people. And it's also our responsibility who are here, you know, that make sure that people leave with numbers, that, you know, that they get the safety net. But also, because this is my experience, if you have to go somewhere and you don't have a meeting, it's okay. All you have to do is to trust God. Four things. I'm going to shut up soon. Four things I heard a lot. And it was, don't drink, clean house, trust God and help others. And for me, that's the mantra. That's what it's all about. And I want to thank you for allowing me to speak. Thank you, Andrew, for inviting me to speak here. Thanks a lot.