Willingness and the Shift in Step 3 – Josh S.

with the coast. He's been down on the coast many times. I don't know Josh as well as others. I've asked around, get a little input, some of which I can share with you. He did speak at my home group about three months ago, and he has a very strong message of hope and recovery, and I found out he's involved in a lot of service work, and that's the way we do it. You've got to pass it on or we perish. So I'm looking forward to hearing how much Josh has grown in the last three months since I heard him. So Josh, if you would. Thank you. I'm Josh Alcoholic. Can y'all hear me okay? So that was hilarious. Thank you. Thank you. A few things. My sobriety date is May the 2nd, 2013. My home group is the Grace Group out of Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I have a sponsor, and I sponsor other men, and I don't say any of that to brag, but I say that because that's what it takes for me to stay sober. My sobriety date, I do have 11 years sober. Please don't be impressed with that, because I drank again, and I've got 11 years again. And so, for those of you who know me, I'm probably going to go about 10 different directions. I'm going to go here, and I'm going to go there, so just hang on tight, okay? I'm not sure what kind of talk I'm going to give tonight, but I do want to thank everybody involved and put one of these things on. Jeannie, David, Mike, John, Larry, lots of people that I don't know your names. I've been involved in one other convention that I was a part of, and we didn't do near stuff that you guys have done, man, so this is perfect. And to tell you a little bit about who I am and what kind of guy I am outside of spiritual principles, so I spent, I guess, I don't know, an hour or so packing this morning, and my wife's always getting on to me about making sure I wear deodorant and not forgetting all the essentials, you know? So I'm packing, I'm thinking to myself, I'm going to make sure I've got everything. So I get here tonight, and there's this beautiful basket in the room, right? And it's got everything that you want in it, all the little snacks, everything. I'm like, man, this is great. I feel important. And then I start seeing, like, toothpaste, deodorant, all these things, and I'm like, why did they put this in there? I don't need this, you know? I do not need this. And it's kind of like taking a back, do I stink or something? Are you always trying to tell me something? And so then I go look in my suitcase, and I was so adamant about packing everything, and guess what's not in my suitcase? A toothbrush. Toothpaste. Right? So God's taking care. He's taking care of me even when I'm trying to take care of myself. And that's been the story of my recovery over the last, my entire life, to be honest with you. I've got my notes, and I try to follow those sometimes, but a lot of times I just kind of go off on left field. Thank you, James, for being here, and Terry, and then thank you for guys like Alex coming, for Derek and Sunday, and just coming down to support. Man, I love alcoholics and honest. Tony, we've got to do this thing together. We've got to do this thing together so that we can make it, right? But my recovery journey is a few different eras. And the real recovery journey for me really didn't start until about four or five years ago. But I got sober the first time on June the 15th of the year 2000. And I love the theme for this is we stood at the turning point, right? And I'm going to tie all that stuff in as far as the talk that I'm going to give today. Okay. For me today, the turning point is me asking myself this question. And a lot of days I don't answer the way that I should. Am I willing to work spiritual steps every day to stay sober? Because when I first got here, and yeah, the reason why that Texas preamble was was rigged, I like it. I like it. It's very literal. It gives me directions on what to do. And you guys were giving me directions when I first came here, but I really wasn't listening to it. You know, what I heard was, you know, go to lots of meetings. The common problem would be what would keep me sober. And you weren't saying that, but that's what I'm hearing. And that worked for 11 years for me until it didn't. So I'm going to dive into a little bit of that tonight. And I want to give an adequate presentation of what Alcoholics Anonymous is. Because this is just my experience. I see so many people coming in and coming out, coming in and coming out. And for me, man, I thought that AA, it was a place that would just, I would come and we would all talk about our problems. And that would be enough to keep me here. But the problem for me is, I get tired of hearing about my problems and your problems and other people's problems. I needed some solution. And so over the years, I would find ways about not, but why I shouldn't become an AA, you know, and eventually that led me out here. I didn't really buy into the whole physical allergy, the mental obsession. I didn't buy into the fact that I was going to have to work some spiritual principles in order to stay sober and die. So I didn't buy into the fact that I was going to have to work some spiritual principles in order to stay sober and die. I didn't buy into the fact that I was going to have to work some spiritual principles in order to stay sober and die. I didn't buy into the fact that I was going to have to work some spiritual principles in order to stay sober and die. I thought because I worked the steps one time, and then I went to lots of meetings after. And if that's working for you and you're doing great, man, I have no problem with that. I'm a guy that needs a spiritual way of action, a spiritual program of action in my life every day, or I know I'll go back out. I've tested it out. Now, I sat in here for a good, I'm not going to say 11 years, because I was really not really active in AA all those 11 years. I'd say for the first six, and then it slowly started going away. But for a lot of that time, I would come in here, and my home group was the beach group on Pass Road in Biloxi. Wonderful group, man. Some legends there, Billy Jackson, those guys were there. They were teaching this book. And I would parrot everything that you were saying about the physical allergy. Yep. But what I'm hearing is, like, I know that when I put alcohol in my body, I've got that physical allergy. And so that me knowing is going to be enough for me, and I'm going to be able to stay sober the rest of my life. And that's what I set out to do. So let me back up a minute. So I was born July the 5th, 1981, in Gulfport, Mississippi, at Gulfport Memorial. Raised north of here in Pearl River County. My dad's not alcoholic. My mom wasn't alcoholic. My sister's not alcoholic. So there's nothing that made me alcoholic outside of having this physical allergy and this mental obsession, right? But I did fall victim to a few things I've heard you guys talk about tonight. And by the way, like, all the funny stuff, I've heard you talk about. All the funny stuff that I say tonight, it's not original. It's me, you know, parroting what other people are saying, stuff that I really relate to. But I heard somebody once say, they suffer from the delusion of inequality. Anybody ever have that before? Yep. That's me. Delusion of inequality, man. You know, you can tell me that I'm really, really good at something, but just one person says one negative thing, and that's what I'm listening to, you know. Or coming to a place like here tonight, man, my mind's going to find reasons why I can't get up here and talk. Reasons why I can't get up here and talk. Reasons why y'all are sitting there looking at me right now thinking, this guy's crazy, you know. So this delusion of inequality is driving me everywhere I go, you know. As a kid, I wouldn't speak up because I had a fear of being embarrassed. I could probably be diagnosed with some kind of anxiety disorder if you're looking at, you know, like a clinical picture. But my childhood was pretty normal. Was raised up in a church background, in a church. My parents had me in church all the time. But just never felt like I fit in. And by the way, when I came to AA, I brought the same type mentality. You know, I never thought that I'd actually fit in. And I thought that other people had a guidebook, you know, of how to live life, and I didn't, you know. And so my whole childhood was spent more just trying to fit in, you know. And I'm a chameleon, you know. I can go anywhere and say all the right things to try to make you think that I fit in. And that's the way it was. One major event that kind of shaped my life was in the late 80s. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. I was a mama's boy, by the way, you know. I get my feelings hurt real, real easy. The steps helped me see how sensitive I am, you know. She passed away in 92, three years after she was diagnosed. And I remember having the thought right then, like, this life's not fair. You know, life's not fair. And since then, that's been, you know, where I go to when things don't go my way. You know, the victim mentality, you know. And I'm not sitting here saying that if you've been through something like that or you've been through a trauma that you shouldn't have feelings. But looking back, I became victimized right then. You know, my mom passed away. And so I started looking through those glasses of victimization. And my alcoholism really took off soon after that. Now, there were some good things that happened after she passed away as far as I taught myself how to play music, dove into that sort of stuff, and really got involved with that. But my alcoholism really took off at the age of 12. In the seventh grade, I took my first drink. Didn't get drunk the first time. The next weekend, we went to Bogalusa, Louisiana, not far from here, about an hour and a half. And I got drunk for the first time. And that was the first time in my life that I felt a part of, you know. All the fear of girls, fear of embarrassment, you know, was gone. You know, I felt like I was on a level playing field. And I never felt that again until I started working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. So as you can see or as you can imagine, that's what I was chasing, you know, for the next few years. And being at 12 years old, I wasn't really able to, you know, get my hands on a whole lot of alcohol. So I would live for the weekends and hang out with older people, you know, and we would go get alcohol. So nothing really terrible happened. You know, I was introduced to outside issues. And I used those alcoholically as well. I used a lot of those alcoholically. And I'm a guy that can't have alcohol in any form whatsoever. Right around the age of 17, I had been strung out for a little while. And I tried to commit suicide for the one and real only time. You know, I've done it other ways when trying to get some attention. But I can remember doing that and getting some relief thinking this was going to be it for me. And it didn't work. Obviously. But at that point in time in my life of being active for five years, five or six years, the book was coming true for me and I didn't know it. You know, my only life that I knew was true was my alcoholic life. I couldn't tell the true from the false, man. Like, y'all were against me. You know, the world owed me something. And I don't know where I learned any of this stuff from because my dad was a very good father. My mom was a very good mother. There's this sense of entitlement that I have. I don't know. I don't know if you have that or not. And it's one of those things like when I show up to class and you guys have been studying for a year and I show up on the first day, I think I should make the same grade you do by not studying any. You know? My buddy Danny said it one time, and I've told this story to guys that are here tonight, is he showed up at his first AA meeting in the 70s. Not his first AA meeting, excuse me, but he was coming to AA in the 70s and went to pick up his three-month chip maybe. And there was a guy there getting a chip, maybe a 30. A 30-year chip or a 40-year chip, I can't remember. But he's literally thinking this to himself, and this is so me. He said, the guy's going to pick up his 30-year chip, and he thinks to himself, well, they should just go ahead and give me my 30-year chip. I'm good for it. Right? That's me to a T. You know me. I'm Josh. Come on, man. You know? And that's how I show up everywhere. And I don't see the whole time, though. I'm expecting you to follow the rules, but I don't have to because I'm me. You know, I do that to this day, man. You know, that's a bad habit of mine. I haven't been to work on time in probably two years, to be honest with you right now, you know, because they let me get away with it, you know, so I keep slowly doing that. So, yeah, man, I ended up getting two DUIs in two weeks back in late 99. No introduction to AA or alcoholics and omics or anything like that. I'd heard of this thing called treatment, and I knew that celebrities went to treatment, and so that was something. You know, I kind of wanted to go do, and I thought that was pretty cool. But at that point in time, you know, I'd graduated high school, and the wheels came off, you know, because I was a guy that could keep up all the mass to make sure, make people think I was doing okay, right? So I'd gotten out of school and dropped out, and, you know, my family was having nothing to do with me then because, you know, growing up, I didn't have a whole lot of consequences because, see, that was part of what I thought. I thought that the consequences would keep me sober, you know, as I came into AA. But I got two DUIs. I got two DUIs in two weeks and was just drinking to live and living to drink, and then I ended up almost getting arrested one night, and I had to fake a blackout so I wouldn't go to jail. Ended up in the hospital and had been evaluated for some help about six months before that and then decided that this was probably a smart idea. I should probably maybe go seek some help out because I didn't really want to go back to work. Nobody wanted to be around me anymore, and I had nothing. You know? I didn't come into Alcoholics Anonymous doing everything right, you know? I'm not standing up here tonight because I do everything right. One thing I do want to say, and I'm sure the other speakers here will attest to this, the people that come up here and talk, they do it because they have to, right? There's a lot of stuff that I've got to do to stay sober long term, you know, stuff that I didn't used to have to do, you know? So I ended up getting evaluated and going to a treatment center. In June of 2008, I was in a hospital. I was in a hospital for two thousand and really wasn't going to get sober. I was wanting to get some heat off of me. I was wanting to, you know, not have to go to work, actually, because I'm a naturally lazy person. I like to do as little as possible but get the best results, and that's still how I show up today. I didn't want to prepare for this talk tonight. I just wanted to show up and wing it, you know? And I did a little bit of that, but I did a little bit of preparation as well. So I ended up in a treatment center. I was in a hospital in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, and was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. Believe it or not, the person that has given me my two desire chips in my life is sitting right here tonight. And I went to this meeting, and people were holding hands and chanting, and being the chameleon that I am, I went and got one of these chips, because everybody else is doing it, right? You know, everybody else is doing it. And there was some, and you know, I can't remember specifically, but you guys... You guys were talking my language as far as like you drank like I drink, and you did other things like I did, right? And so it was like, oh, these are my people. And so right then, part of my ability to listen stopped, right? I thought that this common problem, us sharing our problems of being alcoholic, would be enough to keep me sober. I didn't need to hear anything else. Now, I wasn't consciously thinking that, but that was kind of the feeling that I got from that period of my life. So I do what I've always done. I finish treatment out at the top of my class. I impress everybody there. Me and two other guys got out, and we were going to show everybody how great we were, how spiritual we were. You know, I'm the guy in treatment that is the first person there doing meditation in the morning, right? And it's got all the spiritual readers, you know, and saying all the right answers, you know? And I do all that because I want you guys to like me. You know, I want you to like me. You know, I've got a need for approval. I've got a fear of rejection. And so that's how all that's showing up back then. And so about six months after treatment, I was going to lots of meetings, and I was getting suicidal. Wasn't really doing any work in AA. And I came down here, actually. I'm not sure where it was specifically. I think it was at the Imperial Palace. There was either the Gratitude Roundup or one. I think it was the Gratitude Roundup. I guess Roundup here. And my very first real sponsor was there, and I'd seen him at some other meetings. And he sounded like he knew what he was talking about. And he had about a year and a half sober. And, I mean, that's a long time. That's a long time. I'm coming out of treatment with nothing. And I was desperate, and I walked up to him, and I said, Bert, I'm not doing good at all. I need some help. And he said, yep. He told me the truth. And see, I'm not a truth teller. I'm not a guy that likes to tell the truth. I like to tell you what you want to hear because I'm afraid. I've got that fear driving me. But Bert had been sponsored by a guy like a Billy. He was a guy. He was a guy named Billy Jackson named Victor Ramsey. And Victor was Bert's sponsor, and he told him the truth. So Bert told me the truth that night. He said, Josh, the reason why you're so sick is because you're not doing AA. You're just dancing around it, so to speak. You're just playing around with this thing. He said, you need to get out of those meetings you're in, and you need to come down with me. So I'm like, all right. This guy sounds like he knows what he's talking about. So I didn't have a driver's license at the time, and I'm going to get my phone out so I can see the time. I've got plenty of time. Even after that long preamble. So I didn't have a driver's license at the time, and so I would hitch a ride to Poppaville from Hattiesburg, and that's where he lives. He would pick me up, and he would drive me to the beach group on Monday nights every week. And sometimes to other meetings like 19th Street with Miss Pauline, and two or three times a week he would come and do that for me. And that was the first time in my life that I ever experienced some person besides a family member show love to me. I felt it. Because he wasn't getting anything out of it. And he was come picking this young kid up, and then taking him home two or three times a week. And every time I'd get out of the car, he'd say, I love you. And I'm like, what? Men don't say that to each other. And I'd say, I love you too. And I felt really good. And we started working some of these steps. We started working some of these steps because, not because I believed I had to stay sober for the rest of my life, because that's what AA teaches us we're supposed to do. We're supposed to check these boxes. And through that process, I did get some relief. I did a four-step like the book talks about. I felt human again. Because there were things that I had done as a child. You know all the things that we do, the sex stuff, the mental stuff, all of the stuff, man. So there's all these things I've got that I share with this sponsor. And he just kind of giggles and said, yes, me too. And then says he's done some stuff worse. And so I start feeling like I'm a part of. And I bought into some of AA. And so we started doing some of that. We commenced to do AA together. And, you know, stuff got really good for me. You know, materially, physically, lots of things were going great for me. On the outside, you would think that, you know, my life was wonderful. I ended up going to school and getting some degrees. I found somebody to marry and had some children. You know, things are just on the outside going great. But there's always still... There's always still this spiritual malady that's eating at me, you know. And I could relate to, you know, where it talks about and how it works, about selfishness and self-centeredness. I could relate to all the stuff. But I never... For some reason, I thought that once I walked in the doors of AA, I was just going to be magically healed. Kind of like I did when I was at church. And I thought that I could sit by Jeannie. I could sit by Tony. And I would just get it, you know. All the while, I'm doing a little bit of work. Because you remember, I don't have to do all the stuff that you've got to do. Because if I don't do all the stuff that you've got to do, because if I'm being honest, you guys were telling me how great it was that I was so young and being here. Man, just patting you on the back. And I love to be patted on the back, by the way. So please don't pat me on the back, right? And so I'm buying into all this stuff. And you're not meaning anything by it. But I'm thinking, yeah, I kind of am special. You know, I did come in young, man. Yeah. And no offense. Like, I was way better looking than y'all. Because y'all have been out here for a while. You know, like I'm, you know. Y'all are old. And so I don't have to do all that. You know, because at that time, Bert, and I love Bert so much. Man, he's still an integral part of my life. But he had to move back in with his mom. And he would tell you this story if he was here. He was a big cattle guy and had to move back in with his mom. And she gave him a van to drive around. And so you've got this 40-year-old man going and picking up people like me in his mom's van, taking them to AA. And so as a young person, I'm thinking, this does not look really good for me in my future. I don't really want to be doing that. But thank you, you know. And you've got something. This is great. I'm thinking, why is he doing it? But this is good, you know. But I'm not doing it. And so I didn't sponsor anybody. I maybe had a sponsor here or there just in name only so I could prove to you guys that I was doing right, you know, that I was doing the thing, you know. And there were so many people that took care of me and loved me in AA, man. And were trying to probably get me to open up my ears, but I just wouldn't listen. As far as amends go, you know, I did like maybe one or two. I'm just a family member. I'm really sorry. But like what I found out over the years is I don't like to own up to my mistakes. Right? I don't like taking responsibility. And so when you guys told me there was such a thing as living amends, which I do believe there are. Hear me. All my amends became a living amends. Okay? All of them. All of them. And if it was a direct amends, I would rationalize about why I didn't need to go make it because, I mean, that would mean I'd actually have to go own up to some responsibility, you know. And so that's kind of how I lived AA. I was a guy that just went to lots of meetings and really didn't do a whole lot of daily step work. Now, I would pray some. I would talk to my sponsor about some things. But after a while, man, that just kind of got old for me, you know. And it felt like it was interfering with my life, you know, because I wanted to have a life, right? I mean, we get sober so we can have a life. That's what I thought. And it's wild how blind I was because, you know, we read the book a lot in the home group that I was in. But, you know me, I'm different. So kids come along. Life starts getting a little bit difficult, you know. And I don't do difficult very well. I'm as happy as I can be as long as things are going my way. As long as things are going my way, I'm happy, you know. And so I'm going to go around my life making sure that everything is going my way. And there's nothing wrong with wanting things. Go your way, right? Really, it's a human thing, you know. I mean, it's like, you know, you want somebody in your life that you're compatible with, you know, or you want a good job, all those things. But I don't know about you. If you've lived long enough, which I'm sure you have, even when you're trying your best to get what you want, sometimes it just ain't happening, you know. And it just ain't happening. And that's what was going on with me. I was having some marital issues, some of my own fault, some of not. And some resentment was starting to build, you know, and been building. I started acting out outside of my marriage. And so here's where the steps would come in if I was actually working a program. You know, I would work some steps. I would deal with some resentments, and I'd get free. But I wasn't doing any of that because this one person wasn't doing what I wanted, you know. And that became, that marriage kind of became like my mom did. It was like my mom passed away. Woe is me. This person won't do what I want. If this person will do what I want, I could have everything. Because I did have everything I wanted. I had the degrees. I had the kids. I had the house. I had everything except this person wouldn't do it. Right, you know. And by that point in time, the late 2000s, I would come to AA to pick up a chip so that you guys could pat me on the back. And I could show everybody, you know, AA does work, you know, because look at me. You know, look at me. And this common problem was enough to keep everybody together. So right around, I don't know, 2012, yep, 2012, I had actually went to church one morning. Still trying to keep up a good facade. And my son, my oldest boy, he's 15 today, man. I love him so much. He had broken his leg in a freak accident. And that night, page 24 came true for me. I'm just going to read it for you guys. I don't know what's on page 24. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago without defense against that first drink. And so all those years going to meetings and, you know, and yucking it up with you guys and enjoying life, man. Like, I could play the tape through. You know, I could remember to stay away from this and stay away from that, you know. But because I had not been working spiritual principles for a long time in my life, I woke up at about 2 a.m. And at that point in time, I was working. I had long hours. I couldn't sleep. And it was that time of year where it's going from winter to spring and you start developing some respiratory problems. Y'all know what I'm talking about? I couldn't stop coughing. And there was some alcohol in another form downstairs, okay? And the thought hit me, just like Fred, just like Jim, suddenly. You need to go downstairs and partake in some of that outside stuff. That'll help your cough, and then you'll be able to go to work. There was none of this, call your sponsor. There was none of, you need to remember X, Y, Z. It was just as plain as page 24 came true for me right now. I couldn't outthink it. I couldn't outthink it, couldn't outperform it, couldn't outmaneuver it. And I found myself downstairs partaking in the substance again, and it was off to the races. It was like I had not even stopped. And so for the next year, the next year was spent in a long relapse of doing things I never thought I would do again, right? And by the end of the year, I was like, I'm going to do this again. By the end of it, I was drinking a fifth of vodka every night, right? And you hear in the rooms a lot of stuff that's really not in our literature, but one of the things I would hear is like, you pick up right where you left off. Y'all ever heard that before? That wasn't my experience, right? The book tells me that alcoholism is progressive and fatal, and so I believe that it was continually growing in me even when I wasn't drinking. And so when I did pick back up, it was like I had been drinking all those years. And it was not a good spot to be in for me. I'd like to tell you that I came running back to AA after a year because I just had the light bulb came on, you know? But that's not true. The marriage that I was in at the time was not good, and she caught me. And I ran back in here to save my children so I could not lose my kids. And I thought it would be as easy as it was last time, right? Because when I got sober the first time, I was 18, almost 19 years old. So I run back into AA, get my same sponsor, start doing some steps, and then I'm back in here. I'm cooking again. I'm coming back to meetings. People are saying they're glad to have me back, and I'm feeling good again, man, you know? And right at about, I don't know, two months sober or so, I'm at this meeting in Lacombe, Louisiana with my sponsor, and I see this girl, and she's sharing. She's in the corner. And my problem in Alcoholics Anonymous is my selfishness. I can't see life outside of any pair of glasses except my own, right? But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. But I'm not really knowing how deep that is in me. And so she's over in this corner, and I think the normal person would be like, man, I'm empathetic towards this person. But my thought was, whew, I'm glad that's not me, you know? That sucks, you know? It sucks to be her. And not long after that, I got served with divorce papers and restraining orders and all the stuff that happens when you live an alcoholic life, I think, sometimes. And, you know, I became a victim again, you know? If only this person would treat me right. If I could only get my kids back. If I could only, if I could only, if I could only. And I start, and I'm going to a lot of AA. I'm working some steps to check the boxes. And I'm not getting any relief, but I'm staying sober, which was, you know, that was wonderful. And I end up getting my kids back. And then at a year sober, through not living a spiritual way of life, I get arrested at work, right? On the job. And after I get back, I bailed out of jail after three days. I go pick up my chip here at Beach Group. Got my one-year chip, man, crying like a baby, you know? And those people there in AA showed up for me. You guys showed up for me, you know? There are so many people in this room that are tied to that group and just tied to people in my life who have saved my life when I didn't deserve it. And that's what alcoholics and Amos does for me and continues to do for me today. So here it is again, you know? If I can only get this thing off me, these charges off me, and I can, you know, I'll be okay, you know? And prove to everybody I'm a good guy. And so that's what I start doing, man. I need this to go my way. I really need this to go my way. And so I spent three years fighting that. And something that I did not see coming happened during that time. For the first time in my life, in my AA life, I was actually trying to do AA. Like, other than, you know, to impress people or because it was the right thing. I found myself doing it for some reason. I was... I got involved with a group in Poplarville called the Old School Group. I was the GSR. And one particular night, this guy comes in. And it's funny that we're talking about him right now because I found a check that I never cashed from another group for his funeral that was in my pocket tonight. So it's funny that I'm talking about that. But he came up to me and asked me to be his sponsor. His name was Tyler Stevens. And some of you might know his sister. But he asked me to sponsor. And there was another guy that was next to him and my best buddy at the time in AA. And I was praying to God that he would ask him to sponsor him. Because I'm not a sponsor. I'm not sponsorship material. I've heard you guys say that, you know, that sponsorship... Well, I didn't hear you say that. But I felt like I heard, like, sponsorship is optional. You know, just not... I'm not cut out. I'm not sponsorship material, man. Because I see a lot of people do that. I see a lot of people do that and stay sober a long time without sponsoring anybody. And that was my story. Until it was. Until it wasn't. You know? I don't want to do all that stuff. You know? I don't want to do any of that. You know? But he asked me to sponsor him. And he saved my life. Because at that point in time, at three years sober, I'm about as crazy as you can be. You know? I'm very paranoid. You know? I think people listen to me on the phone because I've got this criminal case going on. I mean, it's just... But I'm going to lots of AA. I'm trying to do the best thing I can in AA. And the miracle of the 12-step came true for me. And he's helping me. While we're working through the steps. Man, we're working through these steps. And his life's getting changed. And I'm staying not as crazy when I'm going through this with him. And he's saving my life. And the miracle of the 12-step, it just pulls me in. But I don't know that at the time. Right? So, all that stuff is over with. It did not turn out like I wanted it to turn out. And I'm going to tell you one thing. Right now, I'm very thankful that it didn't turn out the way that I wanted it to turn out. Because I probably wouldn't be sitting here right now. I probably wouldn't be sober right now. Um... Um... I don't know that. Um... But that case did not turn out the way that I wanted it to. Um... And I found myself with a criminal record. And I end up in this job that I've got today and I shouldn't even have. But I got all that behind me. And I'm thinking, okay, now I get to live my life again. Right? And so, now I've got to find me a good sponsor. Right? I've got to find me a good sponsor because I had a taste of a little bit of freedom through Alcoholics Anonymous. And I find me a sponsor. And he's wonderful. Wonderful guy. Um... He was down here. He's moved off to Pensacola now. Um... Big book guy. You know, doing the book. And we worked a little bit together. You know? And then I start dating this girl. You know? And he tells me, that might not be a good idea to start dating right now. You know? What I heard was, you can't date her. So what do you think I did? Bye-bye sponsor. Right? So Josh goes back to sponsoring himself again. You know? Which never turns out... Very well. But I'm looking for one. And so I meet this woman. She's my wife today. And she's changed my life immensely. And we could talk about her forever, man. Just in lots of positive ways. She's helped my spiritual life tremendously. But I start trying to build my life again. Like where it talks about in Step 3 in the big book. You know, if I can only get things to do right, I'll be happy. And she checked all the boxes. Right? She was different from any other woman that I ever, you know, been in a relationship before. And she said all the right things. And she was checking all the boxes. And then as soon as, you know, the relationship gets more serious. And we buy a house together. And, you know, there's another kid there. And I've got these other two kids. And it's just going to be like the Brady Bunch all over. Right? We're all going to be happy, joyous, and free. Right? And still, seriously, I don't know that it's me. You know, I don't know. Because, I mean, I've been sober most of my adult life. Right? It can't be me. You know, sobriety is enough to treat my alcohol. Just not drinking is enough to treat my alcohol. Right? Not for me. I didn't know that this selfishness and this self-centeredness. And I was driven by a hundred forms of fear and delusion and self-seeking. I didn't know all that stuff. And so, you know, we had some tumultuous times there. And right, you know, between 2018 and 2020, it starts dawning on me that I've got this woman here. Who is so different from any other relationship I've had. And on many different levels. But I'm still having the same. Problem. And so it started dawning on me that it might have been me. Right? And some of the stuff you guys taught me was actually saving my life then too. Because I had just started being the GSR of the Grace Group. Right around 2020. Maybe 2019. And this thing called COVID happened. And COVID hit and changed my life. And I know that it affected a lot of people negatively. And it affected, I lost some folks through COVID as well. Um. Um. But there was a guy by the name of Howard Lowry. Some of you might know Howard. He's passed away now. Um. Howard. We were doing a big book study together. And I was just going to the big book study to prove to Howard that I belonged in AA too. I wasn't really trying to learn anything. Because I didn't really. I could. I could talk about the book a lot. Right? But I didn't. I never was applying. Anyway, Howard and I were doing a big book study together. And with some other people. And he suggested that I get on this thing called Zoom. And being the selfless person I am. Um. I thought to myself. Hmm. This is going to be a good opportunity for me to do something good for my group. And look good. Okay? Win-win. Right? Because it's spiritual. But it also looks good. So we started this Zoom meeting for a grace group. Which is still going today, by the way. Through no effort of mine. It's all God. And other people in here. Um. And started getting some speakers. And I met this guy out in California. Who had this. Who had this. Um. Um. Podcast. And he. And I'm asking him about some numbers. Of some men that I could call and ask to talk. And he gave me a name. A guy by the name of Victor S. And so. I can't really call this guy. Because then I have to talk to him. And then he'll know that I'm full of doo-doo. Right? And so. I can remember being outside. In my yard at the time. And I'm like. Just getting all the nerves out to call this guy. And I call him. And he's like. Yeah. I'll talk. I'll. I'll talk to you. And he's like. I'll call you. And I'm like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like. All right. Well, that's cool. And so. So. So I. I got a call. I got a call. I got a call from Victor. And Victor. And he was like. I'm like. What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? He was telling me. He was telling me. What? I'm going to call Victor. What's wrong? this guy's pretty good. And I would say things trying to impress him. He would kind of just giggle and laugh a little bit, you know, and he's really thinking to himself, this guy's full of it, you know. But eventually in April of 2020, I was like, will you sponsor me? And I'm like, I'm finally going to have the right sponsor, and then I'm going to have this experience, you know. And he said, no, I'm not going to sponsor you. I'm like, oh, my God, you know, I'm broken. And so he starts introducing me to some things that I had read before but never actually practiced consistently. And one of them was on page 86. And he took me through the nightly review. And I stopped doing the nightly review probably about a couple, two or three years in AA, right, or what little minimal version I was doing because I started feeling like you guys were judging me. I was feeling bad about myself. But Victor, he woke me up to one of those most important sentences in that paragraph, but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbidity. Morbid reflection, right? I love morbid reflection, right? I'm comfortable there. I've lived my life in morbid reflection. But when I'm thinking about me, I can't help anybody else. And that's what morbid reflection is all about. You know, there's Josh. His mom died when he was 11. There's Josh. This stuff happened to him. And I'm very comfortable in that, you know. And so he turned me on to that. And then he also turned me on to this because I'm a little bit jealous. You don't believe that, do you? So he's talking about all the stuff he's doing with his sponsees and his sponsor and all this stuff. I'm like, man, I just need that here where I'm at, man. I just don't have that. Why does he get this and I don't? And he said, why don't you turn over here to page 164? And he reads, still you may say, I don't have the benefit of contact with you who write this book. We cannot be sure. God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always on him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. And some of you heard this story before. But like I'm a very vain guy. I care about what people think too much, you know. He said, Josh, here's what you need to do. And I'm waiting for the magic words. What do I need to do, Victor? I want what you got, man. He says, when the meetings open back up, you need to go down to your local recovery club, Rebo's, whatever you call it. And you need to go in there in the first meeting that they open up. And when they get to announcements, you just come up out of your chair and say, I'm Josh. I'm ready to sponsor. Just like that. I'm thinking, we don't do that. We don't do that where I'm from. They'll think I'm crazy, man. And I told him that. He said, well, Josh, you are crazy. He's like, you really are. I mean, how else could you explain how you've been living your life all these years? I'm like, okay. And as bad as that pained me to think about doing that, I had a willingness at that point in time that God had given me. And I went and I did that. And I went in that meeting and I raised my hand. And since 2020 until now, there's been a couple, two or three months here. But I've always had at least two guys. I was actively in step work that I'm sponsoring. And that's been the game changer for me. That's been the game changer. I would like to say that everything's been hunky-dory since then, since that time. It hasn't. So I just want to dive in a little bit to this common solution thing for a minute. So, again, the turning point for me is asking that question every day. Am I really willing to do this stuff? And so for a lot of years, I was not. My only willingness was, and it's very important that you do this. Okay. It's very important that we stay unified and come to these meetings. Come together and share in these meetings and just be together. Okay. But I want to read something to you that you've probably read a thousand times, but I never really paid attention to. So here was Josh in most of my recovery. It says, we were average Americans. All sections of the country and many of the occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds. We're people who normally would not mix, but there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. We're like the passengers of a great line of the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness, and democracy pervade the vessel from the steerage to captain's table. Unlike the feelings of the ship's passengers, however, our joy and escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. So I stopped right there. I'm like, that's it. You know, it's one element, and it's a very important element. You know, we have to have identification. I need to hear somebody that maybe had my same situation or had the physical or allergy and the mental obsession, because without that, I can't do business with you. But it goes on to say, but that in itself would never, never have joined us together, never held us together as we are now joined. The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we've discovered the common solution. Now, forgive me if I start preaching, because I probably will. That common solution. It was the program of recovery outlined in Alcoholics Anonymous. Period. Right. For me. So it wasn't sober bowling. It wasn't all the things that we do after, which is very important to spend time with each other. I completely want to do that. But if I'm a newcomer coming in, or an old-timer, or a mid-timer, who's not working any spiritual principles, I'm going to gravitate towards anything that's easy. Okay? And so for me, it's a lot easier to hang out at Denny's afterwards than it is to go ride a four-step. Right? Or it's a lot easier to go do that than practice spiritual principles every day, because I don't like that, man, because that means I've got to get honest. And so through the process of working with Victor, I found myself in a similar situation that I'm in tonight, because I get myself into these things. I really don't like doing what I'm doing right now. Okay? I like sitting knee-to-knee with people and working the steps together. But I found myself being asked to speak for an online Zoom meeting. And, man, I'm telling you how quickly I can become, I'm a chameleon and become somebody else. They asked me to speak at this meeting in Canada. And I'm thinking, oh, my God, what am I going to go do? How can I do this? You know, I haven't been living this way of life maybe but for more like six months to a year, like really trying to follow the book. And so I go listen to a lot of speaker tapes. Y'all follow me? Y'all know where I'm going? Right? And so, and then we're going to record it too, man. So I'm going to be like them, right? I'm going to be like these famous AA people. How lame is that, man? That's how I show up to life still today, right? So I do that and I go to talk at this primary purpose speaker meeting in Canada. And I just wet the bed. I mean, it was ugly. It was terrible. And just so happened the recording didn't get worked in. Something happened with the recorder and it was never recorded. Thank God. Thank God. But in that, God's working for me because there was this man in there, my current sponsor, named Mark. Mark T. And if you ever get to talk to Mark or just get to visit with Mark, he's very just non-emotional, to the point, and blunt, but not in a mean way, you know? And we got to talking to someone. I asked him to take me through the steps. Now, it's not, I wasn't raised, again, nobody ever told me this, but this is just some of the stuff that I just felt like you guys were teaching me. I can't have somebody sponsor me who has less time than me, right? I've got to have somebody that's got more time, right? And so, Mark, I'm going to talk to you. Mark had like six months less. So, I asked him to take me through the steps like he was taking through. And he was the second person in about three or four years who had tried to take me through the steps where my mind would say, I already know that. I already know that, you know? Y'all ever been there before, right? And so, I get with Mark and he starts taking me through these steps. And he says some just simple things, but they're so profound. He's like, Josh, he said, it's not you getting the right sponsor. It's not. You getting the right group. It's not. It's, God forbid, not getting the right wife or job or any of that kind of stuff. He's like, you just got to go do the work. And I'm like, what? Like, it's as simple as that. You just got to go consistently do the work. Because I want something real sexy, real just, you know, just really just powerful. And he said, you just need to go do the work. And so, he led me through the steps. And we did a pass through the steps. And there were some amends on there that I needed to make that I thought for sure would be a living amends. Because some of them had to do with, you know, me being arrested and my employers and all this stuff. And I'm like, why would I go do that, man? You know, and a lot of the reasons why I would never go make amends is because there was fear behind it. And I'm not telling you guys to go out and make all the amends. What I'm telling you is that, like, I became willing to pass those amends through what the book was telling me. You know, there's no loopholes in this book if you really read it, man. You know, and so, he passed me through the steps in this book. And I went and made some amends. Because I'd heard guys like Mark before. And these other circuit speakers who said, you need to go make all your amends. You need to go do this. And I'm thinking to myself, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's too serious for me, right? But at this point in time, you know, I'm six years sober. You know, I've got a criminal record. I've got two, I've had two wives, you know, three kids. You know, I'm going to have a four, all this stuff. And I'm still in here occasionally thinking about suicide, man. You know, at six years sober. You know, and, or wanting to kill somebody, you know. And it was like. Why don't you just go do it, dummy? You know, that was kind of like the thought that I kept thinking. And I became willing to do that. And I went back. And I wasn't able to travel to Wyoming. But I remember I got a hold of my former employer who was living in Wyoming. Sent him an email. And we arranged a phone conversation. And I don't know what you're. I'm not getting involved with how you do your amends. And that's your business. But do the amends if you can, man. Because I did this amends. And I just started crying like a baby, man. The scales and shame and guilt just came off of me. You know. And I started. Saying something about myself again. Like I talked about earlier. I don't like taking responsibility for my behavior. Especially if I didn't mean to hurt somebody. Right. You know. And so I was willing to make some of these amends. And have been ever since. And it's the dangest thing that's happened. I'm not walking around like this anymore. You know. I'm not walking around with as much depression. You know. I'm not walking around with all the just crippling anxiety that I once had. Because I thought that's who I was. So. God is real. And AA works. And these steps were designed for me to practice regularly. Because I'm going to screw up, man. I'm going to screw up. Just because I stayed sober 10 years or 11 years or 20 years. Doesn't mean I can't drink again. I know for a fact today. When I stopped working these spiritual principles. That I'm going to drink again. You know. Because I've done it before. And so what does that mean? What does that look like for me today? Man. So I'm married to a beautiful woman named Haley. She's in the program. She works with some women in here. And to tell you how I show up in AA today as well sometimes. It's like I really wasn't doing what I needed to do. Until she started doing the work like she's doing it right now. So she couldn't be more spiritual than me. So I had to go back and do some work like she's doing right now. And so she taught me some things. And again. She's got three years sober. You know. I'll go live in a year sober. So what? You know. So what, man? I learned more from men that I sponsor. Or that I get the honor to sponsor. Than I learned from anybody else, man. Because if I got to go talk to somebody about the first step. I got to ask myself. What does the first step really mean to me? Am I willing to believe? Or do I really deep down in my gut believe that I got to keep doing the stuff. To stay sober long term. And today that answer is yes. When I came into AA. And I heard people like me tonight talking. I thought to myself. That's too serious. That's way too much stuff. That's too much stuff. But really. You know. It's not. It's really not. I don't do a whole lot. I go to like maybe one in-person meeting a week. Sponsor two guys. And I got a commitment every other week. And I do stuff like this. And I say yes. You know. I say yes. My life has changed tremendously in here. I don't know how many people are in here tonight. But there's probably. I could probably make a case. For about 25 to 30 percent of the people in here. I'm connected. Because I'm in here. Because of how these steps work in my life. Man. You know. I've got real relationships. That I can be honest about stuff with. And that's not something that I normally do. Let me see how I'm doing with time here. So. What I just. I want to leave you with this. I really do hope some of you were disturbed by some of the things that I said. Not that you. You know. That you hate AA. Or hate me. But that maybe make you start thinking about some things. Because. It's okay to have. It's okay to have. It's okay to have 25 years. And be depressed. Or have some resentments. Or whatever. You know. It's okay to. It's okay to have those problems. But there. There is a way out. Man. There's a way out that we can take. That we can do. And we can apply. And we can get some freedom. A friend and I were. A friend and I were talking about on the way up here. Like. Living in that morbid reflection. Or when you get. If you've been sober a long time. And you've been miserable. You don't have to raise your hand. Please don't. I didn't want anybody to know that was me. There are some practical steps that you can take. Through inventory. Through amends. Through prayer and meditation. That short of guaranteeing you them. But I guarantee it for me. That we'll pull you out of that spot every time. And so I just. I want to. I want to thank so many people for allowing me to come here. And do this tonight. Thank you guys for getting this thing going. Thank you for the other speakers. I can't wait to hear Debbie. And Robbie. And everybody else. I'm really glad to be the first speaker. For a couple of reasons. Number one. If I mess it up. Debbie's going to clean it up. Okay. Right. Right. And. Number two. I'm done for the weekend. I got a little panel tomorrow. But I get to spend lots of time with you guys. You know. And so. Just want to leave you with a. Feeling of hope. That no matter if you got a day sober. Or no matter if you've got. You know. 25 years sober. There's more. There's more. There's always more. That's all I got. Thank you. Thank you. Good job. All right. Thank you. Thank you Josh. All right. All. Let's see. I'm to remind all attendees. They may come up. And thank our speaker in person. All right.