Why the First Half Pint of Whiskey Felt Like a Spiritual Awakening – Howard P.

today a little bit earlier about how conferences like this have been the backbone of my sobriety and recovery since I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a given to participate in events like this, and over the past few years it's come to my attention that it seems to not be as relevant to the newer people that come into Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had people even say, well, what are they? What do you do there? And it appalls me to have to tell them because all through my sobriety coming to these events has been so very, very important. And it's coming here and the fellowship that we share together. And the enthusiasm and spirit that's created through the fellowship of this program is the glue that holds us all together. And it's my pleasure tonight to introduce you to a gentleman who's come to share with us that very enthusiasm and Spirit that I speak of. As Randy said at the beginning, we pride ourselves at this conference and getting the very best speakers that are available. And I'm sure tonight there's no one here going to disagree with that. And I'd like to introduce you all and give them a great big Myrtle Beach welcome to Howard P. Thank you. A few hands, please. Thank you, my name is Howard, and I am an alcoholic. I want to thank everybody that had anything to do with inviting me to come here. I've just had a wonderful time. I'm honored. I know that any of us would be honored to be asked to go share any place, let alone halfway across or three-fourths the way across the country. And I'm just honored, and I appreciate being asked. And I also want to, now I haven't been any place in AA where I thought the people were unfriendly. So when I tell you that you are the friendliest people that I've ever met in AA, I don't mean that the people in Florida ain't friendly or the people of Texas. but you guys are the friendliest and by that I mean you can't sit down with an empty cup without somebody sitting at the table saying, do you want another cup of coffee? Do you want a glass of water? And even Jerry Armstrong who I sponsored in Scottsdale, Arizona who was crabby as hell to everybody You will remember Jerry as the third place winner of yesterday's golf tournament. Well, Jerry said, can I get you a cup of coffee? Yeah, I mean, you guys have changed him in just two brief years. Before that, he was in Laguna Beach, which prides itself as being the world capital of AA. And then we had him in Scottsdale. and you guys have had him for two short years and he's a perfect gentleman I'm proud of him and I'm proud of you anyway I I will try to meet the time schedule, I don't want to take time to tell you about the clever letter that Jay wrote me about one of the reasons you were picked because we loved your tape. One of the things we loved was that you weren't foul-mouthed and you quit on time. Which I thought was about as subtle as a kick in the rear end. By the way, my time hasn't started yet. But now it's going to start. A thousand years ago, I was born in Los Angeles, California. But I don't remember Los Angeles when I was a kid. The first home I remember was a little town about 45 miles southwest of Wichita, Kansas. in the farm community that we believed was the Bible Belt. The first memories I had was that I lived in the Bible Belt. It's just that later on, I got to Oklahoma and they think they're in the Bible Belt and the people in Texas. And as I go around, you know, everybody thinks they're in the Bible, well not everybody the people in California do not think that they're in the bible belt and they're happy about that they don't want but so nobody knows where the bible felt is but I know it buckles about 45 miles southwest of Wichita Kansas in this little town that I grew up in And one of the first things I remember in my life was going to Sunday school every Sunday with my brothers and sisters. And I also remember a travelogue movie that we had. We used to have free shows on Saturday night, and there was a comedy and a short feature before the main feature and then a Jean Autry or some other important movie. And, but one night the short feature was about rounding up the elephants, the wild elephants in India and training the elephants to be domestic elephants. And the first thing they showed was that they got the baby elephants and they put a rope around their right front leg. And then they tied the rope around the tree and snubbed the baby elephant up to the tree. And he pulled and tugged and pulled and tugged and cried. Sad situation. Tears running down his face. But pretty soon he came to believe that when the rope is tight it's futile to pull. And then they went ahead with the rest of his training. The movie ended by showing a huge elephant pulling trees attached to his harness with a chain, out of the woods for harvest. And at lunch break, in order to hold the big elephant, they put a rope around his right front leg and they drove a relatively short stake deep enough in the ground that when they tied the other end around the stake, the elephant could walk around. But when he hit the end of the rope and the rope got tight, he couldn't pull. His mind would not let him pull against the rope. The rope didn't hold the elephant. The stake didn't Hold the elephant The limiting belief they had imposed on him Is what held the elephant And I came to Alcoholics Anonymous With 10,732 baby elephant beliefs Just like that stuff that I had learned and I didn't even know I learned it but it was stuff that I believed was true without knowing it and I based my sense of well-being on it being true and I did not have a sense of well being one of the things that I was taught or that I came to believe when I was a baby elephant was that I was separate from God. And I also believed I was separated from everything. I was an individual achiever with potential who had to apply himself in competition with Roger Bruton who was smarter than me, better looking than me in the first grade. And I had to become the authority or the top guy and I wasn't going to make it. And I was taught that although I'm separate from God if I'm in trouble I could beseech God in prayer to help me through the trouble And if I would have beenhaved myself, which I wasn't, never got the hang of beinghaved myself. But if I'd have beenhaved myself, God would have helped me. But I never felt like that was working. I remember the first time, the first thing I remember praying, I was five years old. We were in the church. It was Sunday, the day before wheat harvest started. And the minister led us in a fervent prayer for it not to rain until after the wheat was cut. It rained that day. It hailed that day, the wind blew and destroyed the wheat in Sumner County, Kansas that day Now, nobody pointed at me, but I knew whose fault it was. I knew who wasn't doing what you have to do for God to answer the prayer. And I believed you other guys were doing it. Well, if you're five years old and you've assumed the entire responsibility for wiping out the wheat crop, what you have is an ego problem the old ego basing its sense of well being on being able to make things happen that you lack the power to do and when they don't happen you don't have the sense of well be and that was my what was my problem and is my problem. I've only had one problem in my whole life, just one. That was not having my way. Never had any other problem. And if I'm going to have my way it's because I'm going to get you to do what I know is the right thing for you to do. And if you do it, you will be happy. I will be happy. Everyone will be happy. That's all that we need to do now. Looking back on it's not clear to me exactly what I want you to do. And it's not clear to me how I can explain to you what I want you to do but looking back on it I can tell you I am not happy so you have to change in order to make me happy what could be better well when I was 12 years old I found out what could be better about a half of a half a pint of whiskey the first time I drank a half of a pint of whiskey I felt good and I've heard others share it's kind of characteristic for all of us to have had our first really good feeling when we had our first really good drink and I remember thinking this is what they mean when they say let's go out and have a few drinks and get to feeling good. Let's go out and be somebody. And now when I came to AA and I read the big book, I found I make up page numbers from the big book in order to add credibility to my talk. And nobody ever checks. In the fourth edition, on page 567, it's page 569 in the third edition. The spiritual awakening, they describe a spiritual experience as an immediate and overwhelming consciousness of good followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook. Now think about your first half of a half a pint and a change, an immediate and overwhelming consciousness of goodness followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook. Is that about a half of a half a pint of whiskey? You bet it is. A spiritual awakening. further evidence for me on that same page is in an earlier paragraph where it says this feeling is frequently accompanied by a sudden spectacular upheaval mine always were I'd have this change of consciousness followed by a vast change in feeling and outlook and then in a little bit I'd have a sudden spectacular upheaval did it for years wasn't going to do it every time each time was going to be the last time I do this but I just kept doing it The only time I felt good, I believe this is true, the only time I felt good, the only time I was somebody and who I originally was, was a frightened little kid and thanks to whiskey I became a jerk. Okay, that's better than being a frightened little kid and when I was in the seventh grade, I fell in love with this redheaded girl. And I really fell for her. And she was my girlfriend for about two weeks. And then she said, I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore. Why not? Because you get in trouble. You're going to get me in trouble. I don't want trouble. And she said that to me all the way through high school. And when the Korean War broke out in 1950, I joined the Navy. And one time we came back from Korea and I heard that her and her boyfriend had broken up. And I was on ship then and And I put in right then for leave because I was going to go home and tell her I loved her. You know, if I remember saying, I don't want to be a loser, but I am not going to be a loser's loser. And a loser'S loser is somebody that will not even tell them that they love them because they're afraid of rejection. Well, I decided she can reject me, but she's going to have to. And I went home and proposed and told her I'd always loved her, and I wanted her to know that. I didn't propose marriage or anything at that moment. And she kind of laughed it off, but we started writing, and then about a month before I got out of the neighborhood, we got married. and now my mother had gone to her and said don't marry Howard he's just like his dad and he's going to be nothing but trouble her dad who she worshipped said Patty Howard's alright but I don't want you to marry him he drinks too much, he's gonna give you nothing but trouble. We got married. She came to San Diego to marry me, and when we got back home after I got discharged, her dad, and if I can get to it later, but one of the guys in AA told me at one point in my recovery, he said look at the progression of your drinking what are indicators that you had in your drinking that if you look at it would show that you fit the pattern of deterioration that AA describes for alcoholism and one of them was It changed my life the first time I drank it. I felt good for the first time and I always turned to alcohol to feel good and to be somebody. Then the next point in my deterioration was my father-in-law sat me down. He and I drove to the neighboring township to the liquor store to buy a pint of whiskey or he bought a bunch of pints and he poured me about three times that much in a glass, plastic glass and he started to talk to me about the stress of life how fear sometimes sets in and that whiskey relieves that stress. He said there's nothing wrong with relieving stress by drinking whiskey. But there's something seriously wrong about getting drunk. But I understand what you're saying and I agree with you. But would you pour me another drink? I knew my timing wasn't good. I knew that, but if it's between not having a drink and taking the risk of ruining things with your father-in-law, I was going to take the risk. I was not going to not take a drink, and I was 20 years old. I wasn't going to get to be any more of an alcoholic than I was when I was 20 years old I was just going to continue to drink for another 19 years and I was going to continue to deteriorate now Butch got killed in a car accident Butch was an alcoholic since Pat isn't here so was his mother her mother And we left this little town, and we went to San Diego. And we had a little baby, and then we had another little boy. And we didn't really have a lot of serious drinking problems. I went to work. Now, I drank, and I was the captain of the patio party, of course. it was my job to get the beer for the patio and there was a brand of beer that you could get at the Texas liquor store back in a case of it for a dollar and a quarter I'll just tell you it had a sour tang to it but after you had three or four you were there I mean it got you there but mostly I didn't drink whiskey I mean I drank whiskey sometimes but it wasn't a regular thing in other words drinking was kind of fun and worth working and Pat would always say afterwards why do you drink so much well I won't the next time or she would say honey, don't you think you had enough? And I'd stop and say no, no I don't think I've had enough. Let me have yours. So I was a tool maker. This was a job that was very important to me because I was born in the Depression we were a poor family and my dad always said get a job with a skilled trade and now I was a tool maker these are cratched men I was not a good tool maker I never once made a good tool but I wanted to be a toolmaker and I got laid off on Friday and I was going to college I was working to be an engineer, studying. Well, I was going to school to be an engineer. I wasn't studying that much. And I got a job Monday as an entry-level engineer at General Dynamics Astronautics. And my job title was process analyst. We analyzed processes. And in retrospect, I was a very good process analyst. Being a toolmaker would help you do that. And I had learned the manufacturing processes and I was good. But you have to write technical reports on the analysis. Well, that frightened me. I did not know how to even get started. and I would have anxiety that immobilized me so that there was just no way I could write the report. And I was criticized in my first performance review about my report writing. And it was my argument, well, that isn't the important part of the job. But would my boss listen? and I decided one Wednesday to take, the reports have to be done Friday. That's a universal law. The report has to be done Friday and so Wednesday night I took it home to write it at home and it wasn't any different. I just froze up. I just was immobilized And then, with no real purpose in mind, I got up to go over to see what was going on inside the refrigerator. My neighbor, who didn't like Edelweiss beer, had brought over a pint of whiskey. to my patio party and he had left about a half a pint of whiskey in my refrigerator. And I looked at that and I poured myself a drink. And I took it and went over and sat down at the table and I just sat there and all at once the thought came to me. It was like a voice It said, Howard, you could start the report with a brief description of what prompted you to do this analysis in the first place. Why did you do the analysis? Then you could briefly summarize the significant results of the analysis and then you could close the report making recommendations to improve the process based on the analysis results. I got up and went back to the refrigerator, and I got the bottle. And I came back, and I wrote a great technical report. I discovered a technical vocabulary that, honest to God, I didn't know I had. it just flowed I don't know where I how I learned it but I know it's a good report I took it to work, they typed it up my boss signed it, I signed it everybody and then we distributed and then next Tuesday my boss's boss's bus come out with my report and he said Helmer did you write this report I said yes sir he said this is a good report And I said, well, thank you. He said, we knew you could do it if you'd just give us the effort. I remember thinking, effort? It wasn't effort. It was whiskey. But I also remember thinking don't tell him that. Let him think effort. What we have here is a solution to the tech report problem. I started getting... I mean, this has happened. I'm not the only one this has happened to. But I started getting more important assignments. And one of the things that comes from that is you learn you don't have to wait till Wednesday night to start this process. You need to start it on Monday night. And then one of the big changes, it was I got assigned to do a spatial report on an analysis of some secret information on the Atlas missile. And I discovered you could go out to lunch. You can't take secret documents home, I'm telling you. Some of them do, but I couldn't. And so you go to the security library and look this stuff up. But before that, you go out to lunch. And you have two or three drinks or four. And you go back. And I wrote a great report. It just turned out that this analysis revealed that the division director was doing a great job. This did not hurt me. and I went from a process analyst to an engineer to a senior engineer. And then I had an opportunity to move to Hughes up in Culver City, where I was a senior engineering engineer and then kind of a senior, senior engineer, then an engineering manager. And that's not setting the world on fire, but that is a steady progression series of promotions that I got because I drank whiskey and I know and you know I couldn't have done it without drinking whiskey and I'm telling you you cannot stop and do it because if you were immobilized with anxiety before the bigger the responsibility the greater the anxiety and the more the relief you need so that you reach a point about 1970 when in order to become brilliant you've drank so much that your speech is slurred. Your boss thinks you're drunk. Your wife knows you're drunken. You ain't even got to work yet. There's a word we, you know, We can call it serendipity or synchronicity, a series of coincidences which seem to happen at random but are responsible for life moving forward in an organized way. Well, that happened to me. Now, in AA, we call it divine order. but back then it was I had the lucky break that one of the guys in the tattletale sold little white pills with crosses on them wrapped up in tinfoil they looked like lifesavers these were lifesaver Starting in 70, I started taking these little white pills along with the booze. Now, I'll tell you the advantage of these white pills. Your speech is never slurred. You are one fast talker when you're taking them. Now, you say the same things over and over and over. But the speech ain't slurred. And so it went like that, and I was always in trouble and out of trouble, and Pat was always going to leave me and not leaving me, and then she In 1972, January, I was taken out of management. My boss said, I have no confidence in you as a manager anymore. The people you supervise have no confidence in you as your manager. And if you don't get your drinking problem fixed, you're out of the company. But I'm going to keep you working directly for me, where I can watch you, and you're not going to be supervising, and just work on facial assignment. But if you don't get your drinking problem fixed, you're out of here. Well, I said, drinking's no problem. I just quit. That's called a solid bottom, I will tell you that. You've been demoted. You've threatened into your job. That's the bottom. You hit bottom right there. Now, when I'm on the solid bottom, very quickly I'm thinking, well, it'll be all right to drink a little. And then Pat's going to leave me. She's taking the kids and going to leave me and I sat down and I said, Pat, don't leave me, I won't drink at all. Now it wasn't three days until I came home and said, and I didn't drink for three days. You think I'm not committed? But I said, we got to talk. You know I love you and I love our kids and we need to stay together and we can make this work but if I can't drink at all I guess you've got to go I had not wanted it to come to this and I really love her and loved her then except for when I hated her But, you know, if it's your choice that I ain't going to drink at all. And I said, all I'll drink is a half a pint a day. And she stayed. She needed Al-Anon when we were in the seventh grade. and she never heard of Al-Anon till I came to AA she went to see she had gone to see the lawyer and I and she said the lawyer said that we don't want to get divorced he said you guys have been married since you were kids why don't he sounds like an alcoholic Why don't you get him to go to AA? And I said, Pat, are you kidding? AA is for people where drinking has caused problems in their life. That don't apply to us. I'm just going to drink a half a pint. and before very long I'm $2,500 in debt that she doesn't know about and she pays the bills and we're already in debt up to the hilt. There's no way to pay this. None. And I had an opportunity to sell some equipment that I didn't own. equipment that I found right before Hughes lost it. And I got it to a fence, he disappeared and then I was in the tattletale trying to sell some more test equipment without the benefit of a fence. I was going to just make a direct sale And the next morning when I came to, I woke up on page eight in the big book. I hadn't read the big books. But no words could describe the loneliness and fear I found in this bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand. Quicksend. stretches out in every direction. There is no solid bottom here. The equipment I sold is owned by the federal government. It has a value that exceeds the level that would ultimately require an FBI investigation. It is calibrated test equipment, so at a specified frequency, the calibration lab sends out a recall to bring the test equipment in for recalibration and they ain't going to find it. And they're going to call security and they ainít going to found it. Then theyíre going to send a report in to the government. I reasoned that out that morning. Keen intellect of the alcoholic. I'm a candidate for hard time in a federal penitentiary, and I have to stop drinking until this blows over. And Pat had suggested that I go to AA. And not only that, I knew the president of AA worldwide. His name was Kenny Sixberry. He was a guy I drank with in the Tattletail eight years ago. and Kenny had gone to AA and he had worked his way up the ranks in Alcoholics Anonymous until he was the president. That's the feedback we got in the tattletale and we had things right there. I don't know about you and your bar, but in the Tattletail we were deep thinkers. But I called Kenny and said, I think I'd like to go to an AA meeting sometime. And he said, how about that? Just drank a half a pint. And he says, how bout tonight? No, no, no. Not tonight. I'm thinking later on. I got stuff to do. Anyway, he talked me into going. He said, are you drinking now? And I said, no. I wasn't. I had finished the half a pint. And now I'm not drinking. He said try not to drink anymore. I drank three more half a pints. on the way to the meeting, I hope he didn't show up, but he showed up in a pickup truck with a motorcycle in the back of the truck. Which was just what I expected the president of Alcoholics Anonymous worldwide to be driving. And I said, I am not an alcoholic. He said, I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, but I think we're going to the right place. well don't tell anybody that I'm going he said everybody that knows you probably knows that your life is messed up because of your drinking and in AA we try to our best to keep it from those people that you might be trying to get your act together I said I got your point but don't telling and took me to AA where he introduced me to a guy named Frank. Frank turned out to be the best friend in my life. He also turned out to be Kenny's sponsor. And Kenny introduced me to Frank first. Now, I will show you Frank's smile. Kenny said, Frank, I want you to meet Howard. Frank looked up. He was writing in a leather notebook. He looked up and he said, this is Howard's first AA meeting. Frank smiled. But he shook my hand and he says, he said I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous I hope that you will join with us in doing the things that we do and everybody won't give you this promise but I promise you if you join us and do what we do your life will be magnitudes better than you ever dreamed your life could be Now, in our deep thinking at the tattletale, we had memorized stuff like nothing is as easy as it looks. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong and at the worst possible time. And we believed that that was the fundamental truth of life. Life sucks. and then you die. Don't trust anyone. Now, those were fundamental spiritual truths. But when Frank said that to me, I trusted Frank. Now, I know I trusted him and I liked him. And if I would have said to some of you older people then, what was that? If I would have realized that something had happened, I kind of realized it. But what was there? You would have said, that's God's grace. God gave you on an unmerited basis his strength for you to trust Frank so you would come to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'd ask somebody else because I did not want to hear about God. And I got in there, and it was a beginner's meeting. And the deck is stacked against the beginner. Do we have any people in their first 30 days? I don't want to give away any of the company trade secrets here. But they say, is this anybody's first meeting? when it's somebody's first meeting it don't make any difference what the previous program was the program now is to call on Chuck E and Chuck is going to stand up say my name is Chuck I'm an alcoholic an alcoholic is a man or woman who has lost the ability to control the drinking the loss of control is characterized by the insane obsessive belief that tonight I'm going to stop by the bar and just have one drink or two, three at the most. And coupled with that obsession is a physical reaction that manifests itself in a phenomenon of craving for more once you start. Alcoholics are restless, irritable, and discontented until they can once again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes from just taking a few drinks. Drinks which their insane obsession convinces them they can take with impunity. And when they succumb, as we all did, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they go through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful with a firm resolve never to do that again. Then they do it Over and over and over. And over any considerable period of time, it gets worse. It never gets better. Which leads in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. It leads in times to page 8 in the big book. You identify. I don't care. You know, you don't identify with all of it. But you know you're a guy that would go into the bar just to have two drinks, three at the most. And the next thing you know, it's last call for alcohol. It's 2 o'clock in the morning and you're going to get out of here. I am not getting out of your clock is fast. There's plenty of time for me to have a double. And I want my double. Where did that come from? I just stopped for two, you know. and I waited until the break and talked to Kenny and I said and they had called on other people to share that same kind of stuff that Chuck had shared and I told Kenny I never craved to drink and he said what time did you start drinking I said about 6 in the morning why did you start drinking well I had a hangover and the drinking would get rid of my hangover. Okay, he said, I understand that. Once you got rid of the hangover, did you keep drinking? And I said, yes, but I didn't crave it. And he said well, you know there's a lot of alcoholics who once they start slug them down so fast that the craving doesn't really have a chance to set in. I thought, maybe I'm that way. Maybe I am. You know? And second half of the meeting was about God. Fake it till you make it, one person said. Well, that ain't gonna work. Act as if. That ain't going to work either. Joe, who's been sober 95 years. NAA. His higher power is a doorknob. So don't worry about God. No kidding. A doorknob. Then they called on a guy. My name is John. I'm an alcoholic. I don't know if they called on John or not. But John got up and said, my name is John. I'm an alcoholic. They also call me John the Baptist. They call me John the Baptist because Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. And I asked Jesus to help me stay sober every morning. I talked to Jesus all day long and at the end of the day I thanked him for me not taking a drink. And he said, I want to thank Alcoholics Anonymous for bringing Jesus back into my life. And I thought, well, I have tried that. But I couldn't make that work. If you can make that works, that's a good thing for you. But I have to live in the real world. Which that day was four half pints of whiskey. With me not thinking I'm an alcoholic. it. Now, you might ask yourself if you're half right, why if you are going to drink a quart, don't you buy a quart and save money? Well, I'll tell you why. Because I ain't going to drink a quart. I'm just going to drink a half a pint. And then I'm just going average a half pint. Anyway, at the end of the meeting, I was open to me being an alcoholic. I did not think the program would work for me because God wasn't going to be my salvation. And when we left the meeting I heard Leo having John the Baptist over against the corner, in the corner by the coffee thing and he's saying, son I told you don't bring Jesus into the AA meeting. You're going to scare away the newcomers. I wish I had done it because I thought of it. But I wanted to go back and say, hey, Leo, if you're not going to scare away the newcomers with the doorknob, I wouldn't worry about Jesus. I told Kenny, I said, well, I'm not going to work the steps. And he said, that's all right. Kenny had eight years. I mean, he knew if I would have said I'm going to work the step, that I wouldn't be able to work the steps. So if I said, I'm not going to, he's going to say, that's all right. And I'd say, what's my program going to be? And he said, can I have a program in AA if I don't work the steps? And He said, sure. Let your program be go-to meetings. That's it. Go-to meeting. I'm not going to tell you not to drink. If you go to meetings, they will tell you notto drink. I am not going tell you to get a sponsor. Go to meetings. They will tell you toget a sponsor." Anyway, and he said, listen to what the people say. And if somebody says something that sounds attractive to you, let that be part of your program. Take that home with you. Make that part of Your Life. Well, that was kind of something that I could do. Now, I got drunk one more time. And believe me, this is the worst drunk possible for me. And everything that I had heard intellectually I experienced in my life. I went to San Diego and I could not get, I stayed drunk in San Diego I would go in the morning to get on the airplane and I'd have a ticket and I go to the bar and then I'd miss every airplane and then the next day all week long and Pat, I didn't call Pat I didn't call my boss. It was over for me. And when I finally did get back, Pat was mad, believe it or not. And she was crying because she was sure I'd lost my job. I went in. My boss had two checks for me, and I was done. And he started eating me out. And I said, Tom, I'm going to AA, and I'm not gonna drink, so I'll be able to get another job. Tom said, I hope you do go to AA, and I hope you don't drink. And I hope you don' t get polio. I hope yo u don't have a car wreck. I hope nothing happens to you that you're going to be so late as so much as late for work Monday morning. You be in here. And i'm not going to pay you for being drunk in San Diego. And he took his check back. and he said don't you ever call in sick you come in and I will tell you if you're sick Dr. Tom will let you know that was his EAP program I was delighted and I had my last drink that day with Tom I drove him around to his car, and when I put my foot on the brake, what was left of a pint of whiskey slid out between his two feet. And he picked it up and took a drink and said, finish this so we're done with it. And that was my last drink. That was August 4th, 1972. And he, well, that's a, I applaud you as you're applauding yourself. I, anyway, I went to meetings. I stopped drinking, didn't take any mind-altering chemicals, and I listened. I also had the yips, the struggles, terrorized, immobilized with anxiety. But I went to meetings one way or another and I heard a guy say that if you make one mistake and brood about making that mistake, you've made two mistakes. I thought, and he said, brooding is the worst consequence of nearly every mistake you make. And I thought, that's right. I'm going to take that home and I'm not going to brood anymore. I heard Ski from San Diego say, I was 36 years in learning that all the people that I hated didn't feel the hate. And it was killing me. I'm gonna take Cat home. I heard a guy named Archie Johnson Say, I was so busy this week wanting what I was getting that I didn't have time to worry about getting what I wanted. And in AA, we try to learn to live in the now, right now. And whatever is happening right now, including my talk, love that because that's what's going to happen anyway. And not liking what's going to happen anyway is one of our greatest sources of restlessness, irritability, and discontentment. My head said, let's stick Archie in the eye with a sharp stick. Let's put his theory to test. Because that was the way I thought. But I went outside and it is raining as hard as it could rain in the Pacific Palisades in California. And I've hated the rain since I wiped out the wheat crop. And I make it to the car and I'm soaked to the skin. And this voice that talks to me from time to time said, Archie was referring to something like the rain. Love the rain because it's going to rain anyway. You heard Mark Twain say it. You've read Mark Twaine. You've heard Will Rogers. All of these people say nobody can do anything about the weather except like it. I was able to love the rain I asked some old-timer, if I would have asked, how did that happen? They would have said, well, that's God's grace. Which I know today it was, but at the time. But I know that I have loved the rain since then. I get in and out of it because I love it a lot more to look at than I do to stand in. But when it stops raining, I consciously love it not raining. And I've been doing that for nearly 37 years. And I wish I could do it. It was just God's grace that I can do that with the rain and with the weather. To start with, it just makes a lot of sense that the weather is going to be what it's going to beat. So anyway, I went to another meeting and I heard Don Gates say, if you're new in AA and you're not working the steps, AA will stop being fun. and you'll decide AA doesn't work. That had happened to me many days, but it happened that day. I had been pushing the lawnmower. It hit a tree root. The handle hit me in the chest and then I immediately said, damn Pat anyway. She wasn't even there. But that was the first thing that I always said and then again I said, damn AA too. AA don't work? If AA worked, would my chest hurt? No. I'm not going to those meetings and grin like a baboon and say, isn't this wonderful? It's not wonderful. It's never going to be wonderful. Man, my chest hurts. And I forgot I wasn't going to the meeting. And I went to the meet-up. I was met by Jack Bailey who just told me how great I was doing and what a great guy I was. And, you know, people just build me up. And then Don Gates said, if you're not working the steps, AA will stop being fun and you'll decide you're not going to meetings anymore. You don't go to the meetings. Then you'll go back to the bar and you'd order a drink. And if the bartender says, what's the matter? I thought she was going to AA. Don't AA work? He said, If you're Not Working the Steps, be honest with him and tell him you You don't know if AA works or not because you wouldn't try. And there was nothing in my head to pop off with that. I knew that that was true. And I knew I was going to work the steps. I cannot believe this thing won't work if I won't work the step. Now, I thought I was working the steps but in retrospect, I worked the first half of the first step Kind of, you know, I misunderstood the second half. I glossed over the second step because I already believe in God. It's just that I don't believe God's in my life. I don'T believe he responds to me and my problems. And it never occurred to me that I wasn't responding to his answers. and that part of the answer was to come to believe that I need to respond to his answers and then make a decision to do that. But when I did a fourth step, my life got changed. Now they can say half measures avail you nothing and I ain't going to try to rewrite the big book but I'm telling you I did not do very good on the first step, second step, third step and that fourth step changed my life by the time I had finished it I could see my dad who died in 1953 wasn't my problem my wife wasn't my problem my job wasn't my problem my problem is I am afraid and I can't do anything I can not fight through the fear unless I'm mad. And so I'm angry and I'm dishonest and selfish and self-centered and I look for short-term pleasure whether it's whatever for me is short- term pleasure that never addresses the long-term pain that includes alcohol or any other substance provides short-term pleasure but long-term pain. And I saw that was my problem. And this was a big relief for me. And in the fifth step, there were things... When I was in the sixth grade, something happened that I was ashamed of. And I wasn't even going to put it in my fourth step. And I sure wasn't going to put it in my fifth step. And I said to my new sponsor, Kenny had moved out of town, and I said, well, how do you want to do this fifth step? And he said, why don't you start by telling me the things you decided you wasn't gonna tell me? And I told him those things, and then a few weeks later, I noticed that this shame and remorse and guilt that I had with me all my life had left. now that is a significant change my sponsor tracked down the equipment that i'd stolen and sold and pat and i borrowed money from the bank and and i went to the uh my my sponsor tracked it down and and I went to the bank, and I went to the machine shop and got the equipment, took Pat home, and I took the equipment out to my boss and said, I stole this, and I'm bringing it back. It's easy to get stuff in the gate. It's getting out the gate that's hard, but I could do that, and my boss said, don't tell me that. Just take it out at the calibration lab, and the next morning when I came in, there was a note on my desk, and I came in early, and Tom was already in. And he said, when you get here, come in and see me. Tom, well, this was a long trip, about 50 foot. It took about, I mean, it was a drag. And when I got in there, he had coffee ready. And he poured me a cup of coffee. And he says, now, I want to talk about that equipment. And this is the last time we're going to talk about it. I had it calibrated last night, and it works in perfect order. And I may not know where it's been, but I know it wasn't stolen because I have it. And if it would have really been stolen, I wouldn't have it, would I? I said no. Now, I'm not the only one that can tell this either. The next morning when I woke up, the weight of the world was off my back. And if you can remember what a great feeling you had from your first half pint, that's the feeling I had that next morning. An immediate and overwhelming consciousness of good followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook but this time there was no spectacular upheaval this was just a good feeling with goosebumps and you just keep plugging away at this thing I learned to meditate I wasn't going to pray and I just say that to give you guys a sense of optimism that this might be near the end. I didn't pray, and I told people I didnít pray. And part of what gave me the courage to do that was Billís ìThe Best of Billî series from The Grapevine. And in there he talked about spirit, about being spiritual. And he described a doctor who, if you read carefully, probably didnít believe that God was in his life. But he described this doctor as making a spiritual demonstration that he may never be able to duplicate himself. And the doctor didn't pray, and so I could tell you I don't pray. But you didn't care. I'd tell you, you don't care, nobody cares except Frank. And Frank said, and you see, I would get some idea like this and get in your face with it. And Frank said, well, I know what you're talking about, Howard. I never learned to pray effectively until I learned to meditate. Meditate? What's that? He said, read chapter 11 in the 12 and 12. That's the best thing on meditation that I think an Alcoholics Anonymous member can read. I read it. I saw him Friday. He said... What did you think? I said, that's a St. Francis of Assisi prayer. Just what I am not going to do. He said, is that all you got out of it? I said, that's all there is in it. He said why don't you come over tomorrow morning and let's read it. And we did. Word by word, paragraph by paragraph, you know. And we read the little thing that says self-examination, meditation, and prayer interrelated and logically interwoven will form an unshakable foundation for life. Now, Howard, do you have an unshakable foundation for life? I said, not exactly. Now, he said, do You remember at the home group how You learned the description of an alcoholic? He said, when we went through this, he said, now, this is the St. Francis of Assisi prayer, but I don't want you to do that. I just want you to do the first step. And then down at the bottom of that page, it says, we listen. I say it says listen. But we are open to a deeper meaning of each word or phrase. And he said, just be open to the deeper meaning of each words or phrase in the first steps. and if when you go through AA's description of the alcoholic be conscious of that description and be conscious of whether or not you fit that description and if you do at the end of this self-examination fully concede to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic and while you're there also know that if you drink again you're going to start at pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization and it's going to get worse. It's never going to get better and then he said look at some of the things that have happened look at the changes in your life since you stopped drinking and look at what a small part you had in it now he said one prayer would be to say thank you God but I don't want you to do that this is not a lectern this isnot a table thisisnotaglass because lectern table glass are words these things aren't words they're what they are I don' t want you to leave this good feeling that you have which we will call gratitude I just want you to let feeling gratitude be your prayer and when you do that occasionally a good feeling will start about the calf of your legs and will come up your body with goose bumps out the back of your neck and your hands and he said that's my higher power saying I felt your gratitude and you're welcome and I learned to pray that way and it's harder for me to pray that way well I have worked on it it was over 30 years I spent at least 30 minutes every day without missing a day going through this kind of meditation and prayer and I'm telling you I have not you know if you knew me you guys know me when I came in I was just a newcomer out of the Pond Scum Paddle Trail and if you knew me now you'd say Howard is completely changed but if you compared me today to Mother Teresa or St. Francis you would say Howard hasn't really changed very much so far. But this thing, and we just keep doing this. Each time we hit a brick wall, my sponsor would say, let's do the steps over again. And each time it's a new discovery. The second time I really discovered that I am totally a taker. Norm Alpey said, a taker of things and a user of people. A loser. All takers are losers. And you were looking at one here. And I didn't know it. I did not know it, I thought I was a nice guy. A good dad and a good supervisor. I was the taker. And once you know it you start changing a little bit. Just knowing it changes you. And then the next time you find something else Eventually, I became convinced of the existence of a spirit of the universe underlying the totality of things. Which has all powerful, guiding, creative intelligence and manifests precise law, order, harmony, goodness and love in every aspect of all being. And I spend 30 minutes having that consciousness so that I can surrender my life to that higher power now. I will just tell you, got a long ways to go. But my life is magnitudes better than I ever dreamed it would be because you have joined with me in me joining with you and us helping each other do this thing that we could never find any place else. In the book on meditation, it says whatever way you find God, that is the right way. If you think God out looking at the finely tuned parameters that are required for the order and harmony in the universe as I have done, that's the right weight for you. Or if you're like my wife and you're just consciousness of the pervasive presence and power of God in your life, that's right for her. Whatever way you find God is right for you. But remember, wherever you see God pass, mark that spot and go sit in that window again. This is my window. Alcoholics Anonymous. It's where I come and I seek God's paths. Thank you very, very much, and I love you.