Why Abstinence Without Freedom Is a Prison – Bob D.

About This Speaker Tape

1978. A bridge in Las Vegas. Bob D. stood there with a quart of wine for courage, convinced that five more years of this slow death—being "kicked to death by rabbits"—was too much to bear. He had spent years as an "urban outdoorsman," a polite term for a homeless man peeing on sofas and stealing from the people who loved him. He describes a life of pretending to fit in, a "ball of squirminess" that only vanished when he was half-lit up on 151 rum or shooting meth until he dismantled car dashboards looking for microphones.

He recalls the agony of wanting to see his dying father but being unable to stop the tremors without a "half of a half pint" of vodka, a lie that kept him from the hospital bed. For Bob, abstinence without freedom was just doing time. It wasn't until he hit the "last house on the block" in a detox center that he found a Higher Power and a sponsor who showed him that sobriety didn't have to be a prison of self-loathing.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction by a group member and Bob D.'s opening remarks on freedom vs. abstinence.
• 4:15 Bob discusses the history of futile treatments for alcoholism, including the 'toxic chip' in Russia.
• 10:30 The 'pretend guy': Bob describes his childhood feeling of not fitting in and his first experience with whiskey at 13.
• 18:45 The descent into drug use, methamphetamine, and the 'possessed' way he used substances.
• 25:10 Laughter: Bob describes his 'urban outdoorsman' phase and the narcissism of feeling superior while smelling of cheap wine.
• 32:00 The heartbreaking account of the phone call to his mother and the failed attempt to see his dying father sober.
• 42:15 The 'bridge' moment: Bob describes his suicide attempt and the realization that he had no other options left.
• 51:00 Meeting his first sponsor, Dick T., and the introduction to Step 3 via the 'miracle of the chair'.
• 58:30 The difference between 'BS versions' of the 4th Step and the rigorous Big Book approach.
• 1:05:00 The 'brain tumor' story: A reflection on the ego's desire to be right even when it's pathetic.
• 1:15:00 The redwood tree metaphor: The necessity of community and intertwined roots for long-term sobriety.
• 1:22:00 Closing thoughts on service and the group's closing prayer.