Trusting Higher Power in the Middle of Terrible Adversity – Bob

Thank you. My name is Bob Olson, and I'm an alcoholic. It's by the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that I haven't found a need or an excuse to take a drink today, nor have I found a needed or an excused to take a drink since May 28th in 1973, and for that I'm truly grateful. I would like to thank Diz for inviting me. I would like to thank Don and Leonard for taking us out golfing today. That was a real treat. And I would tell you that if you ever have the opportunity to have Tom as a host, that he is as considerate and thoughtful as anyone who has ever hosted me in over 30 years of doing this. That he is a genuinely good person who just spends all his time trying to make your time useful and it's been a real treat to be here. Plus, I am really enjoying this. I mean, I have had way too much fun. I have eaten way too much food and I have met the nicest people and you folks are truly, truly wonderful people and I've met an awful lot of you and I just really enjoyed it. This is... You know, I'm kind of a... I got sober when I was 35 And I'm getting to be kind of a crusty old person in AA now. And I don't feel like I fit the mold, but that's all right. So anyway, I'm delighted to be here. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous originally in 1968. I couldn't stay sober. I came down to Alcoholic Anonymous because I felt guilty. I am a member of the Alcoholic Olsons from Madison, Wisconsin. We've been putting people in penitentiaries, insane asylums, and early graves since we got here from Norway in the mid-1800s. The last one before me to die from alcoholism was my father. His name was Bob Olson always also. And when I grew up, they said, you're just like your old man. Now, my dad was a guy who started drinking when he was about 20 and he'd stop to have kids occasionally. But for the most part, he remained a chronic alcoholic until he died. But he died in the Grand Army home in King, Wisconsin from complications of diabetes. He started losing his extremities. He had had a stroke. That's what put him in the hospital. And he started losing His extremities from adult onset diabetes and they had to cut his feet off because what happens is that when the circulation goes, you get gangrene. And so he lost his feet and they kept calling my uncle Leif and they said, what do you want to do with him? We can keep taking pieces off of him or we can just let him die. And it was my uncle's considered opinion that they let him died. My dad knew that, although he wasn't able to speak, and at the time that I went to make amends to him, he had lost an awful lot of his comprehension. But he knew what was going on at some level, and when people would come around him, he would scream. And he was a victim of the four horsemen of alcoholism, terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair. And despair is the worst. And he would sit all day in despair, and when people came around, he couldn't talk to them, and he would just scream. And that's the way he died. He died like a drunk. My dad was married nine times. And, you know, women would take a look at him, think that he was the best thing to send sliced bread until I got him home. Then they couldn't get rid of him fast enough. I used to sit there and wonder of him and the way he would attract women, even when I was a little kid. When he died, not one of them showed up. That's fine. I understand why they didn't. I don't want to die like that. I do not want to be just another statistic in my family. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1968, I was guilty and I would go to AA and I'd go sit in a meeting and afterwards people would come up and stroke me and tell me I was going to be alright and it's just a bald-faced lie. You want to know something? Most of the people who come into AlcoholicsAnonymous aren't going to be alright. At least half of the folks who come in to AlcoholicAnonymous are never going to stop drinking. and you better have a story that sounds better than that. And one of the things that the big book says is that our message must have depth and weight and keep coming back doesn't fill the bill. If you were a desperate alcoholic like I was, you better had something else to say. You know, when I got sober in 1973, I had been going to this group in this little town in Wisconsin for a while. And I had this old Irishman as a sponsor, and then I told him I just wasn't a drunk. And I didn't know what he was talking about. I had to get drunk to tell him that. And he was prophetic for a guy who never got out of the sixth grade. I remember it just as clear as a bell on the telephone saying, We will see you again, Bob. And he was right, and it wasn't very long either. And the next time I saw him, I was laying flat on my back on the floor of this house that my wife and two kids had just vacated. And I was looking up at him and the guy that he brought along to 12-step me. and I was so sick I was having trouble getting up and the guy that he brought with him was brand new and he was jumping around going oh my god, oh my God is he going to go into DTs what are we going to do with him oh Jesus is he sick is he gonna throw up what's going on here if I would have had a gun I would've shot this son of a bitch His name, appropriately, was Dick. He's a really nice guy and he's been a friend for, obviously, almost 32 years. So he took me to a halfway house and plunked me down in front of a priest. Now, for those of you who grew up in the Midwest as Lutherans, plunking you down in from of a priests wasn't something they did. Priests were considered off-limits to Lutherans and they put me in front of this priest and he did something very interesting. His name is Father Will Upson. And he said, are you an alcoholic? And I said, yes, I am. And He said, can you stop drinking? And I said no. And then He said is your life unmanageable? And then I said for God's sake they just dragged me in here. And he said, do you want what we have? Well, I don't know what the hell he had, but I guarantee it was better than what I had. And so I said yes. And And he said, what are you willing to do to get it? And I said, about anything. He said, so you can't stop drinking? Uh-uh. Well, I got some bad news for you. I said what? And he says we can't stop you from drinking either. And you know what's going through my head at that point is what the hell am I doing here? I just come in here to have a conversation with a priest. And I said, so what's the point here? And he said, the point is, Bob, that if you can't stop drinking and we can't help you, we can stop you from drinking, there better be a God. And he says, incidentally, do you believe in God? And I say, no, and I said it just to irritate him. And he goes, then I suggest you go find one. and I didn't know how to do that totally I wouldn't even know how to go looking for God and he said well what do you think God is and I said I don't know what God is either I don' t know anything about this and he says well when you go home today what I'd like you to think about is what you would like God to be and I say ok now there's a problem here and the problem is that when I stopped drinking after 15 years of drinking a fifth a day, something ugly was going to happen and it had happened to me before. It's called DTs and it's called convulsions and it is called all kinds of bad stuff. And they took me home and left me there, which I thought was kind of unkind. My wife and kids had gone to France because she couldn't get far enough away from me. and they took me home and left me there and then I just sat there and waited for it to happen and it did and all of a sudden I saw things coming out from underneath my refrigerator that you can't even see on Saturday morning cartoons I saw ants the size of this podium coming out from under my refrigerator and I grabbed that I hugged the refrigerator and I picked it up and moved it to the center of the kitchen trying to figure out where these things had a nest that I saw coming out from underneath it. And then in this little house, I went into the basement steps and I got three cans arrayed and in a little tiny kitchen I emptied all three cans of raid and damn near asphyxiated myself. And three days later, when I looked for this giant hole in the floor that these ants were coming out of, there was no hole at all. They came back about 48 hours after that to find me, see if I was still breathing. And they took me to a meeting. and I went to the meeting and I sat through it I went through several meetings I went into one meeting in the first week it was on Thursday night, it was a stag meeting and I was sitting in this meeting and I couldn't say anything because I was shaking really badly and I Was sweating so much that I would just turn the shirt wet and Iwas sitting on my hands and trying not to have other people look at me because I was so embarrassed by what was going on between the shaking and the sweating and not making any sense at all. And these guys started talking about how much fun it was to have sex now they were sober. And I was impotent. And I had a lot of fun. And I went out and I was mad. And they're all talking about what a good time they were having. And I Went after the meeting, I went out to this priest, and I said, I need a couple minutes of your time. And he said, all right. I said I sat in an AA meeting tonight in this building, and they were talking about how much fun they were having with their wives and girlfriends, and i'm impotent. And he says that's perfectly normal when you get sober. There are a lot of people and a lot of men that suffer from impotence when they get sober. And I said, but all those other people were saying they were really having a good time. And you know, I'm like the Lone Ranger here. And he said, no, you're not. And I asked him, why not? And he answered, because half of them are lying. I didn't know you could lie in an AA meeting. you're laughing. You know why? So, I came back and I talked to this priest and he said, what would you like God to be? And I said, I'd like him to be like a father. When I was a kid, other than being compared with my dad who eventually died from his alcoholism, I lived in foster homes and I was like a throwaway kid and I lived with all these different people and by the time I was 10 I was completely shut off emotionally I didn't give a damn if I had a mother, father sister, brother, anything you know if I went to live in your house I knew it was a short term deal that was the way it was and I refused to get close to anyone And, frankly, I've had a hard time with that ever since. There's an awful lot of lakes in Wisconsin. You know, I know there's an awfully lot of lake in Georgia too. And there's a whole mentality built around boats and fishing and all the rest of that. And I used to watch these people ride around in boats. Some of that time I lived next to lakes and next to rivers and I'd watch these peeple go around in these little speedboats and everything and I thought if I ever have any money I'm going to have one of those. And one of my great, great desires in life was to own a boat that I could go fishing in with my kids. And I used to dream about that when I was a kid. And you know, when I became an alcoholic, my dreams all went to hell. I didn't care anymore. Nothing was going to happen. Nothing was gonna go anywhere. And I was on a short-term basis, either way you look at it. And this priest asked me one day, he said, so what do you think about God? And I said, well, I don't know. You know, I'm trying to learn how to trust God and I really don't... I don' t know how to trus God. I want to give Him... I want live in some sort of spiritual manner, but I'm having a hard time giving away the responsibility of my life. and he said well God will really work in your life let me tell you a story about that I come from an alcoholic but also a violent family very violent family and my step my mother got married again she had an inclination towards marrying drunks and she never married someone who wasn't a drunk and the guy that she was married to at the time was a violent drunk, just like my dad was. And he came home and beat her up once. And so I went down there, and when he came home from work that day, I stuck a side-by-side shotgun right on the end of his chin, and I said, if you ever touch my mother again, you're going to be chasing your head down the street, and you can take that to the bank. And he got it. He understood that, and I was dead serious. And when I was sober for a week, he went off on another drunk and called my mother and said he was going to come home and kill her. So I threw my shotgun in the back of the car and I started backing out of the driveway. And I was most of the way out of the driveway and something in the back of my mind said, this is probably not the smartest thing you've ever done. And I called this priest who I didn't trust either. And I said, Father, my stepfather's on a run and drunk. He's threatening to come home and kill my mother. I threw my shotgun in the back of the car, and I'm on my way. And I'm going to put an end to this for good and all. And he said, don't do that. And I said, I can't leave my mother in a position like that. I just can't do it. You know, if she dies because I've been negligent, I would never forgive myself. And he said listen to me, Bob. Just listen to me once, do not go there. Call up her minister and have him come over and talk to her. And I said, her minister is a wimp. And if my stepfather comes through that door and she's with the minister, he'll kill both of them. And he said, just listen to me and do what I ask you to do? And I said, this better work. And I called her minister and I said Reverend Kristen, I knew him from when I was in high school. I said Reverend Kristen this is what's going on with my mother. I don't know what it's from. That's the house I own. Oh, well, I'll stand back here. Or maybe I could stand over here. So there it's better. So anyway, he went over to see her. And what I want you to know is that my stepfather never ever did come back. And my mother had a spiritual awakening in the middle of this visit from this minister. and that if I would have gotten in the middle of that, I would've messed all that up. But what I really learned in the middle of it was that I could trust someone else's suggestion and I could trust God in the most oppressive of terms. I watched him one day Father Upson asked me if I'd go fishing with him out on Lake Winnebago which is a 471 square mile lake. A lot of fish in it but a big lake. and I went out on Lake Winnebago with him and we were sitting out there and here comes this big black cloud, big nasty old storm cloud. And Lake Winbego is a real shallow lake so if you're in a boat on it when it gets really wavy the bottom of the wave is the bottom of the lake and it'll tear the bottom of the boat right out and then you're out there in six foot waves trying to stand up. And I said, Father Upson, we probably ought to get going because that cloud's coming right this way and that's got a storm attached to it. And he said, yeah, well, we don't have to worry about it. And I asked him, why not? He said, don't give it a second thought. And I told him, come on, look at what's coming. He said watch. So help me God. And that cloud went off to the north. And I'm going, this is insane. And I am watching spiritual stuff that doesn't make any sense and going, what is this? This is like, you know, this is screwy and weird stuff going on out there. and what I learned over time is that I learned to trust God the first thing that he did for me was this business about we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics this is a first step in recovery the delusion that we're like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed you know he made sure that I understood that I understand that I'm an alcoholic I have been I mean virtually from early on when I started drinking I became alcoholic and I couldn't stop. And the idea that I'm ever going to be anything else is insane. I am an alcoholic. Now, in the 10-step, I don't have to have all the symptoms, okay? I mean, I just, I am in a position of neutrality about alcohol today. And if I, you know, I can look at alcohol all day, and I have alcohol in my house. my kids drink beer at my house. You know, and they do it responsibly. I have five sons and two of them are too young to drink. One's just getting old enough to drink and I've got two that have been drinking for a while and the kids that drink all drink responsibly I mean, they'll drink a half a beer and let it sit there. I sit there and stare at it. Oh, aren't you going to drink the rest of that? And they go, no, I'm all done. And I go, you came from somebody else. Are you sure you're my son? There's a funny thing when the book starts talking about the second step it starts talking about power and it says that power which is God in case anybody ever talks to you about doorknobs or grooves or whatever. The book defines the power. It says that power which is God. And it says that when we're even willing to believe, even willing, and that's the way I came in. If we're ever willing to be a believer, if we're really even willing to believe new power flows in. And it talks about two different kinds of people in the book. It talks about these people who, Have you read the bedevilments in the book? We can't seem to be of real help to other people. We're prey to misery and depression. There's a whole laundry list of things, bad things that we are subject to. And then it talks about another kind of people who have power, peace, happiness and a sense of direction. You know what the difference is? The difference between these people who had power, peace, happiness and a sense of direction in these people who can't make sense of life, is that the people with power, peace, happiness, and a sens of direction have God as the central factor in their life. That's it. Big secret. You know what they used to say in Alcoholics Anonymous? You go, well, do you know that people say, well you don't want to talk about god to these people when they come in here and uh even though the book says dress the spiritual feature freely you know other people go well you'll chase these people out of here if you talk about god and what people used to say is hey god drives them out alcohol driving back okay so you know what i tell them this is about god you don't like that i understand but that's the way it is so come on in here and get to be part of this and this is about a whole set of spiritual exercises with numbers on them for dummies like me so I know where to start and what to do next and I know when I'm done so I can start over again the book says we were crushed by a self imposed crisis, we could neither postpone and we had to fully face the proposition that God either is everything or he's nothing. He either is or he isn't. And then it says something interesting. It says, what is your choice to be? And it asks us to make a choice there. Well, if God is, would you think that he wouldn't be everything? I mean, by definition, God's everything. When people talk about God, they talk about omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, all these different things that mean no beginning, no end, all-powerful, everywhere, understands everything. I understand that kind of God to some degree. But I don't understand a God who only lives in Wisconsin or Georgia. And I don'T understand one that just works for alcoholics. I think God is God so am I willing a funny thing happened to me I was just I was a year sober and they moved me to Colorado and I got out there and I had a lot of I got a sponsor and we started through the book we started at the first edition where it says to show others precisely how to recover is the main purpose of this book. And I've never found a lie in the big book, okay? If it says to show others precisely how to recover, then that's what it means, precisely. Now you don't hear people talk about that, but I talk about it. And the way you precisely recover is you precisely follow the directions. And there's an amazing thing that happens. You know some people stay sober and now Public Synonymous wouldn't know a step from an armadillo, okay? They wouldn't. And God bless them. And I don't understand. And they're not like me. I know that if I don' t get closer to God, that I will never ever recover. Because I went from 1968 till 1973 and I could not get it. And I was dying every inch of the way. And I could n' t save my own life and I could not stop the process and the process ends in insanity and or death. So I moved to Denver and I heard this guy talking at a Sunday night meeting and I went up to him afterwards and what he was talking about was he was telling me he said, this is a textbook that shows us how to recover and if you will read the directions and follow them without any poetic license, you will recover and your life will change and you will become a meaningful member of society and you may even become what you've always wanted to be and you certainly will have the opportunity to become what God has always intended you to be. And I heard him and I was a year sober and I wasn't going to drink. and I went up to him afterwards, and it was like throwing a life preserver to a drowning man. I went out to this guy, and I said, tell me what you're talking about. I have the slightest idea what you've been saying. You said there's directions in there? And you said if you follow them, you don't have to drink again? Well, I got news for you. I'm going to drink. I'm not going to have to think again, and if something doesn't happen here, I'm gone, because I can't get through this once more. And he said, sit across from me at my kitchen table one day a week, and we will start in this book, and I will show you precisely how to recover. And I said, done. I sat across from his kitchen table, and in early 1975, I became a member of the hospitality committee for the International Convention in Denver. and we listened to a guy actually I talked about it last night named Max Sheeter from Winnipeg who told about a group in WinniPEG who followed the directions they were a group called the Golden Slippers that's still up there and they were called the golden slippers because they all slipped and all of a sudden they made this radical change in the way they were doing things and they would start at the beginning of the book and do precisely what it said And all of a sudden, almost all of them were sober. And 15 of us started a step workshop in Denver right on the heels of that convention and did exactly what Mac Cheater from Winnipeg said. And none of us ever drank again. And there's some people that you might know, Don P., Gary from Denver, Gary B. Don P. is about 42 years now. Gary B. is in Indianapolis, used to live in Denver. He's got probably 46 years. The rest of us are all sober 30-some years now, and nobody ever drank again. When we got to the third step, we were all reading the book together, and we got to this point that says selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our problem. It is. I am a selfish, self‑centered person and all I can think about is me and I will rarely ever think about you unless it's got something to do with me. And that's the way we operate. And we read all this business about the third step and when it gets down to the end it says we thought well before making this decision knowing that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. And I don't know how you feel about the word abandon, but I spent four years in the Navy and abandon is a very important word. In this case it talks about abandoning self. Am I willing to do that? When we work with people in Denver, we send them home for a week and make them think about it. We sit down with them. You know, my sponsor asked me to memorize that prayer, and I thought, what's this? This is like school. I don't want to memorize anything. And he said, when you come back next week, I want you to understand what you're saying. And I said, okay. And he had me read this prayer. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. And he says, what does that mean to you? And I said, I don't know. And he said, well, what it means is that you're asking God to turn you into what he wants to turn you into. And that means anything. And I went, oh, relieve me of the bondage itself that I may better do that. Well, I didn't know what that meant. You know what it mean? We are bonded to ourselves. living in the bondage of self is like looking in a periscope that's aimed right back at your forehead I can't see you I just can't I'm just way too busy looking at me and this says that I can be relieved that I don't have to that I could be unchained from this bondage of looking at myself so I can become more useful to God take away my difficult That victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Thy power, thy will, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. You know what bearing witness means? It means being an example. And what that prayer says is let me be an example Let people look at me and see that 31 years ago that I was a helpless, hopeless, burned out, dragged out, dreg of a person. That I had no future, that my past was all messed up, that I had not friends, that people were terrified of being with me and that I scheduled for an early grave and there wasn't really any other choice and God intervened in my life. And He can do that for anyone. Anyone that's willing. So my sponsor said, understand that when you come back next week, be prepared to get on your knees, hold hands with me and say that prayer and mean it. And I said, all right. And he said, and if you aren't, I can't help you. I said, all right. So I came back the next week and he said, are you willing to do that? And I said no. And he said well then there's nothing else I can do for you. And I'm unwilling to do it but I will do it. I just don't want to do It. And he says why not? And I say I don't Want to give God that kind of power in my life. And he said, so you want to do, are you going to do it? And I said, yeah. And he says, get on your knees and hold my hands. And so I got on my knees and I was holding his hands and he said say the prayer. And I thought, okay, I'm going to say the word of God. And I went and I said all right. And I did the prayer and then I got up and he started laughing, which I thought was wholly inappropriate. And I asked him what's so damn funny. And he said, you don't want to give God that kind of power in your life? And I said, no. And he says, God's got all the power anyway. You know what that is? That's an exercise in who's God and who's the drunk. That's what that means. You know, when I first started taking the third step, I was terrified. I was terrified that God would put me in some foreign country on some corner selling religious tracts to some person who didn't give a damn and have me out there somewhere living in total poverty and all of a sudden I'm going to be living in sackcloth and ashes and walk around in the middle of the day mumbling to myself on the street in some old robe. And I drew all these pictures in my head about giving God power and that isn't what happened at all. And he said, did you bring a legal pad with you? And I said, uh-huh. And he says, okay, now we're going to write inventory. And I say, gee. He told me to write a list. He said it was Greg's list. Write a list of people, institutions, and principles that I was angry at. And I said, all right. And I didn't know what the principal thing was, but I wrote people in institutions, you know. And so I wrote all that stuff down and then he said, now in the second column where you talk about why you're angry at them, he said I don't want that to be more than one sentence because you don't learn anything there. You know, I was going to write, that's where the story was going to be, about what they had done to me, how badly I had been mistreated. And he said, if it's more than five or six words, it's too much. And I said, okay. And then he said in the third column, I want you to write down what that affected, your self-esteem, your security, your ambitions, your personal relations, your sex relations, your pocketbook. And I said, all right. And at the time I was a salesman and I would wind up in motels at night and I'd sit down and write all this stuff down and then I came back to him and I said I'm done. And he said no you're not. And so what else is there? And he said, there's another column in that inventory. And I said, what's that? And he says, where were you selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or frightened in each one of those instances? And now all of a sudden I get to see my part. I saw how other people affected me, but now I saw what I was up to. and so I did that and I came back and I said, I'm done nope, you're not now you have to write a fear inventory well before I go talk about fear inventory let me tell you about something else that happened when I was 28 years sober there were a whole bunch of things that I believed about myself and I talked about this last night but I want to talk about it again for those of you who weren't here last night I was 28 years sober and still believed that I wasn't worth knowing. I was 48 years sober, and I still believed that if you knew me, you wouldn't like me. I believed that somehow underneath all of the stuff that I was worthless, I believed any woman who would have any interest in me at all would only have it because of my ability to make money. And that's what I believed about myself, and I was 28 years old. And I kept asking God, how do I get to that? I know that those beliefs are under there, and I don't know how to attack them. And in my 11th step at night, I would pray to God, show me how to get to the top of the mountain. How do I go to get there? and one word kept bouncing in my head and it was principles. And I would sit there and ponder this business about principles and say, what the heck is that? No honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, isn't that what the principles that we're talking about? And then I found out that principles are the beliefs that we have that guide the decisions in our life My principles are what I believe about myself, among other things. And I have some positive principles, but I have a whole bunch of negative principles that will prevent me from ever becoming the person that God intended me to be because I don't think I'm good enough. And so I thought, well, I wonder if he inventoried that. Maybe that's what the book was talking about. But it's taken me an awful long time to figure that out. And so I thought, well, what about this business about I'm just not worth knowing? So I wrote that down. I'm not worth Knowing. And I said, does that affect my self-esteem? Oh, my God. I guess. You know what? I'll always hold something up in front of me so you never get a good look at me because if I think I'm worthless, I don't want you to see that. So I'll throw something else up in the front. and does it affect my security yeah I can't be secure in anything can'tbe secure in a relationship can'tbesecureinajob can'tbesecureinanything if I believe that does it effect my ambitions oh man I won't even try stuff because I don't think I'm good enough I won' t even go out and try it I'm afraid to fail So I won't even try. You know what failure is? Failure's not trying. Failure isn't doing something and having it not work. Hell, that's just trying. You know What failure is not trying sitting there frozen in place without being able to do anything. That's what failure Is. You know, there's a line in the book that says and go on about the business of living. And if you're going to go on about the business of living, you're gonna have to challenge your fear unless you're way different than I am. And see, one of the things that you'll find out in challenging fears is that 99% of all fears have no substance. And you can make a game out of challenging fear. The way God talks to us as individuals is through intuition. If you read the book, and especially around the 11th step, it talks about learning to trust our intuition. And life for me is a constant struggle between my ego and my intuition. Now I'll tell you a funny thing about a drunk's ego. A drunk's eagle will tell you invariably not that you're better than you are, which is how people talk about egos talking to us. a drunk's ego will say you're not good enough you're not smart enough you're not slick enough you don't have the goods you can't get there you could never pull that off you aren't prepared to go there and you will fail if you do that's what my ego tells me and there is something about the intuition and the ego, and that's this. The ego always lies. The ego cannot, is incapable, and will not tell you the truth. And the intuition never lies. the intuition is God talking to us and saying it's alright I would like you to have something better here's what you know I've sponsored an awful lot of people in the last 30 years and here's wat I watch people do they have something that I call my pile of dung syndrome and you go why are you doing that why don't you get something better because you can and they go that may be a pile of dung but it's at least it's my pile of done okay and people will get sober and they will own that erroneous bull that's running around in their head because we have believed it so long that we're unwilling to walk away from it. One of the greatest things in participating in the steps is that it opens our minds. I don't know anybody that really knows who they are. Most of the stuff that we believe about ourselves is wrong, and it underestimates our ability. It just does. we have a woman in our group named jenny and and she was looking at this business about the ego and the in the intuition and trying to figure out if it was god talking to her or some some sort of insecurity in herself talking to erin she she would get up in the morning and she would start talking to our ego and she Would say guess what I got planned for you today and when we get done with that let me tell you what I got planned for you tomorrow and she would attack it and it's really about walking through your fear to become what you can be I'm a high school graduate I have a staff of psychiatrists psychologists social workers and licensed professional counselors I own a business that provides professional care for people. I don't know a darn thing about therapy, not a thing, and I have the most successful business of its type in Colorado, but I know a lot about business. And people come up and ask me, what is in your background that allows you to direct the work of doctors and psychiatrists. Because I took the chance to start the business. Because I know a lot about business. I had a guy, I went up to a guy one day and I said, how did you do all that? And he said, he's like another guy in the program. And this guy's one of the richest guys in Colorado, right? I said, how'd you do that? And he said, hey, I didn't say I was stupid. I just said I was a drunk. Okay? Now, I want to tell you something. Alcoholics that I know are bright people. They are. We are. We are people with a generally above-average intellect. we are people who can if we clear all the garbage out of our heads can become amazingly successful in life in whatever terms we choose and what I'm here to tell you and I would have paid my own way down here to tell me this so help me God if you'd listen and that is you don't know who you are you don' t I don't think you've got a clue And I'm not saying that to irritate you. I'm just saying open your mind. Figure out who you really aren't. And it isn't what you think you are for the most part. We believe the most outrageous things about ourselves and about how we can never get anywhere, do anything, or aren't smart enough or slick enough or good enough or whatever the heck it is and start thinking about challenging life. When the book says go on about the business of living, that doesn't mean in a closet with the door closed. That means get out there and see what can happen. Be willing to risk. I can tell you that from my experience that real sobriety, real emotional and spiritual sobriery has to do with your willingness is to go out there and participate vigorously in life. Amen. My sponsor said, no, now you need to write a fear inventory. and I said you know me I was a bill collector in Chicago I'm not afraid of anything I was the 240 pound psychopath and I used to go in and kick people's doors in and bang them up against the wall and tell me if they can give me the money I can come back with a baseball bat just a sweet guy I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm afraid of anything. And he said, you aren't. And I said, no, I'm not. And he said then this business in the book about fear is an evil and protein thread in the fabric of our existence who shot through it isn't right. Is that right? And I said, I guess not. And he said, okay, well how about snakes? And I said, what kind of snakes? And he said, well, rattlesnakes. And I said, you'd have to be a fool to want to get in a closet with one. And he says, well then humor me. Write down snakes. And I said alright. I wrote down snakes and he said how about spiders? And I say like black widows? And he said, yeah, that'd be good. And I said, you wouldn't want to get bit by one. And he says, right, down spiders. And And I said, okay. And he said, how about failure? Oh, cheap shot. Well, you know, no one ever expected me to do anything except wind up in a penitentiary or in that same asylum. He said, write down failure. How about inadequacy? and they said I never thought I was as good as other people I used to say when I was a kid I used to stand outside of restaurants because we never had any money to go in restaurants and I used to go stand outside a restaurant and I would wonder who the hell they let in there it wasn't me and I'd just sit out there and be fascinated by watching people walk into restaurants wondering what the heck it was that made them so different than me He said, how about the police? Oh, I got arrested when I was 17 for assault with a deadly weapon and was sentenced to the Wisconsin State Correctional System. And then back then they would just, if you were underage, they'd make you go in the military, which is how I started my naval career. And he said, how about the courts? And I said, I don't like them either. And he sat right down on the courts. And then he said how about women? And I asked him, and I said women? And he said, uh-huh. Well, um... Uh... Um... Um... And he said, just write down women. How about children? And I said, you know, just the real little ones. Ones that are just born. Because you're always afraid you're going to drop them. And I don't want to be anywhere near them because, you know, they're cute and all that stuff. And he said, write down infants. And I said, okay. And then there was a long, long silence. And he asked me this, is there anything you're not afraid of? And I says, I guess not. And I was right. I never met a drunk that wasn't terrified, never I've seen guys that could put a big front up and I've see women that could put a front up but every one of them was terrified and living with alcohol and living that kind of disease running around in your head that is terrifying you know believing all this stuff about yourself is a terrifying way to live you really I suppose when you get older like I am that you become more reflective. And you go, am I willing to live that way? Am I willing to continue on in my life and believe the things that I do? And am I unwilling to look at them? That's the crux of the problem. People are willing to believe all this bad stuff about themselves because they're afraid to find out what the truth is. We're afraid to go look because we think we may find something even worse than we already believe. And that's not the truth. You know, Martin Luther King said one of the greatest things in the world and that is the truth will set you free. Okay? You want to know something? The truth will Set You Free. Do you have the courage to go look at it? And the thing... My sponsor had two things that he said to me and the first thing on a regular basis one of them, the first things was how the hell would you know? And the second thing was, how long? How long do you want to be dragged around by your own insanity? I'm done with it. I'm not living that way. If I can find it, I'll kick it out. And I'll go looking for it. And you know what? I'm just not afraid to do it anymore. I'm happy to be who I am. I really am not in the business of impressing anybody. I just don't care. I think that we are truly all children of God. And sometimes we've got to peel all this junk off of the outside of us to find out that basically we are true children of Christ. We are truly children of god, and as such are equals in the eyes of god and nothing else makes any difference. that God is the benchmark and nothing else matters. And trying to spend your life impressing other people is a total waste of time. So I wrote all this stuff down and then I came back and said, I'm done. And he said, no you're not. And I said, well what's left? And he says, it's sex inventory. And I thought, oh okay, well that sounds good. This is where I'm going to shine. And so it asks whether our relationships are selfish or not. It asks if we unjustifiably arouse jealousy or suspicion or bitterness. And what I found out about the seventh time I wrote inventory, I write inventory once a year. You know why? because it says a business that takes no regular inventory is sure to fail. And there are people who will argue that one inventory is good enough, but maybe it is for them. If you're drunk like I am, probably I'll look a little more often. And I was looking at that and I found out that jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness were tools that I used. Because I basically believed that if any woman ever got a clear look at me they'd be out of there faster than I could spit. And so I'd never let them get both feet on the ground. And that's not the way to have a relationship. You know what? Today, I'm single but I date some people and trying to make someone else's life happy and meaningful is a wonderful thing to do. and it's not about what you get, it's what you give. And I think that's a great way to have a relationship. And then I went back, and I told him I was done, and he said there's a couple things you probably ought to put on there, but put them in the beginning of your inventory. And I said, what's that? And he said, take it to the gravestone. And I went, what is that about? And he says, usually about sex. but there's only so many ways you can do that and I've heard every one of them at least ten times so don't worry about it. So I said okay and I put that step down and then I went over and I fifth stepped with him and I honestly thought when I finished fifth stepping with him that he would get up and say well, I'm glad you did that But there's a couple of things I'd like you to do. One of them is don't come anywhere near my children or my wife. I don't want anybody to tell, I don' t want you to tell anybody that I'm your sponsor. And we're going to have to start meeting in some clandestine way. You know what he did? He hugged me and said he loved me. I never had a man do that to me before. Actually, it was pretty nice. Went home and did six. Instead of taking the book down from the shelf, I put it up on a shelf and took it down. I'm not missing anything. Reviewed the first five steps, asked if I was willing to be rid of all these things that we found were objectionable. Read the seven-step prayer, God that I'm not ready, that you have all me good and bad. I just I know people who can tell you that they were getting well the day they took their seventh step because they had defined all these things that were objectionable and they had to ask God to remove them and then it was up to God and they don't all go at once it just ain't going to happen It says we made a list of all the persons we'd armed and became willing to make amends to them all. And then the line after that is the one that really most people miss. The line after this is, we did it when we took inventory. If you haven't seen that line in the book, it comes right on the heels of it. and you want to know something, that inventory is where you go for your amends. And so my sponsor told me I had to go to all these people. I had TO go down this whole list and see where I had harmed them, and he didn't want me going out and making amends to people if I hadn't harmed them even. You know, we go into this thing thinking we're Genghis Khan. I went into this sex inventory thinking I was Don Juan, and I came out looking like Elmer Fudd. I made a list of all of these people. One of the people that I refused to see was my dad. I refused to see him because I hated him and I figured he caused me more harm than I did to him and that he was into beating people up and he knocked me down two flights of stairs one day because I wouldn't eat a piece of bread. And I was sitting in the kitchen right next to the cellar steps, and he backhanded me right down two flights of steps butt over tea kettle. And I would not forgive him for that kind of behavior. And I finally had to go make amends to him, and I went to make amens to him right before he lost his mind. And I went up to him and said, and I sat down in front of him, and I said I'm your son Bob and I owe you an amend and I took his wheelchair and I went off in a little room so we could be alone and I sat down in front of him and when I told him that I was his son he got happy and he couldn't say anything and I says I'm an alcoholic and he got very sad He had spent his whole life as an alcoholic. And by this time he had an extremely serious stroke. And I said, I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I haven't had a drink for a little over a year and I need to come here and clean up some stuff. And here's what I need you to do. Here's what you need to clean up. I have held you at arm's length my whole life because you're an alcoholic and I did not understand that until I became an alcoholic and I regret doing that and I'm willing to do anything to make that right and when I told him that I didn't drink anymore he became very animated and it wasn't very long after that he died and I got to tell you if there's somebody hanging out there in your family or in your acquaintance that you haven't made amends to, get after it. Because once they're gone, you're always going to regret it. I owed $15,000 when I got sober. This was in 1973. It was worth a lot more than it is today. It took me two and a half years to pay it off. I took 30% of my net income every month and paid it to creditors. I owed still about $2,500 and I became very, I guess cheap is a good word. And my kids were talking about a boat show and somebody over there cheap? God bless you and you're right. my kids wanted to go to a boat show. You don't have to drive me to a boat show, I always wanted one and never had one. And so I took them to this boat show and when I went in there and the Bassmasters were having a raffle where you get three tickets for ten bucks or something so I gave them the ten bucks and I thought man that's the dumbest thing I ever did and they called me the next day and told me I won it. I won a Rebel Bassboat And back then, you could buy a Rebel bass boat for a lot less than you can buy one today. And I went up to the bass boat dealer and I said, how much is that boat worth? And he said, $2,500. And this Texan came up to me and he said would you like to sell that boat? And I said how much? And he says $2500. And I thought, wow this must be a coincidence. And my kids were climbing around in this boat, I had two sons at the time and they were climbing around in his boat going, gee dad we're gonna go fishing is this slick or not? We're gonna have so much fun when can we get this out of here and get it in the water? Now what? I had $2,500 left on my amends. So what do you do? Do you take the boat and continue to pay your amends? Or do you sell the boat, pay off your amands, and hope you get one? Now, there is a line in the book that I really don't like. And that line is, the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. And I took my kids and it broke my heart and said, we can't have this because Daddy owes a bunch of money and we've got to get it cleaned up. And I promise you at some point in the future, I will buy you a boat. But right now, we cannot have this one. And this Texan came by the next day and gave me $25, $100 bills. and for the first time in my life, I was dead even with everybody. Three years later, I bought a 17-and-a-half-foot Cobalt with a 302 Boss Ford engine, V8 in it, that you could troll at 60 miles an hour. Yeah! And God bless you. Well, so what's the point of all this? The point of all of this is that God loves you as much as he loves me. But God is polite. And if you do not invite God into your life, I don't think he's coming. And I get up almost every morning and ask God to come into my life. And that's what he's given me. I will tell you that later, at one point the IRS came after me for $122,000. And I prayed about it, and eventually they settled it for $3,500. I had a business that I had to take out of business, and when I got done, I owed a quarter of a million bucks. And 90 days later, it was paid. And I went to my sponsor and I said, Don, when I get sober, it took me two and a half years to pay, or took God two and a half years, to pay off $15,000, and this time he paid off a quarter of a million bucks in 90 days. How do you explain that? And he said, it doesn't require any explanation. And I said, why not? And he says, because God's got all the money he needs. We never learned to trust God in good times. The places that we learn to trust God are in the middle of terrible adversity. That is where we learn to trust god. And I don't know what devious parts of our minds at time after time after god saves us. I don' t know why we can't trust him but The hardest thing about trusting God is trusting God. Six months ago, I went out and walked five miles in the morning, as I do. And then I played nine holes of golf and carried a bag and went to the doctor because I have some sort of borderline diabetes and they wanted to check it. And I came in, and they said, okay, anything else going on? And I said, yeah. I got indigestion. The doctor looked at me and said, we're going to put you on a treadmill. And I says, okay. So I went to the treadmill, and it was just going to be a thing in the morning. And I got on it. The guy said, don't you have any symptoms? And I say, no. And he said, well, you've got something on here. And we're gonna have the cardiologist look at you. And I go, okay . . . The cardiologist came in and said we want to do an angiogram on you right away. And I said, that's fine. And I was bored. Went to sleep during it. Woke up to different cardiologists. Said, can I be candid with you, Bob? That's not a good way to start a conversation with a cardiologist. I said absolutely. I treasure candor in other people. And he said, you have one artery that's completely blocked, one that's almost completely blocked and one that is 80% blocked and you're having open heart surgery at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning. I said, how dangerous is it? He said, not very. I do two or three a day every day. And I said okay, but I've got to go home and do payroll.