Trading Self-Will for a Willingness to Be Changed – Francine W.

Good evening. My name is Francine. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Francine and Francine, and first let me thank the committee for this most wonderful, wonderful invitation to be of service this weekend, and I want to say in particular thank you to Terry. You know, I get to travel around the country a lot and what very often happens is I'll be invited to speak maybe one or two years in advance and then I don't hear from the person until like days before I'm supposed to travel, which sometimes works and most of the time it doesn't. But I'm always grateful and always very appreciative when I'm with someone or engaged with someone who consistently keeps me in touch with all the details. And And Terry made sure every I was dotted, every T was crossed. And thank God for email because that's really what made it so convenient for us. So I want you to know I really appreciate that you didn't wait until the last minute to do all that stuff. And thank you for giving me Lee as a host today, as a person who brought me from the airport. You know, one of the gifts of Alcoholics Anonymous for me is that I have truly learned that when we first come in here, we are people, as the big book tells us, that would not normally mix. And yet what happens among us as we stick around here, there's a sense of camaraderie that's so sweet, that's so delicious, that you can't always put your finger on it. But those of us who would not even probably say hello to each other under normal circumstances become compadres. And just in the short time we were together, it was really very lovely. And not only did he pick me up from the airport, but he went beyond the call of duty and took me to a meeting this morning. You know, I wanted to go to a local meeting, and he got up early, and he actually had another commitment, but he made it his business to come and take me to that meeting. So I just want you to know I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you I want to also say thank you to those that just read. I do know how difficult it is to stand up in front of a room, even now. You know my stomach is churning as it always does when I get up in front of a group. But the good news is in Alcoholics Anonymous, we learn how to walk through our fear. And I am enamored and I am grateful for the people who keep showing me by example that that's what we do here because it's because of people like you that I get to stand up here and walk through my own fears every single day. So I just want to say thank you guys for coming up. Because I know it was hard. Really. I know retired. And the last of the acknowledgments I want to make is in 1980, I had the privilege of going to the International Conference of Alcoholics Anonymous. Anybody was there in New Orleans in 1980? No? A couple of people. And, oh, hi there. And one of the, I was coming up on my first birthday in July of 1980. It was only a few days, only a couple of weeks before I actually had my first birthday. And I had the privilege of hearing a speaker who so touched me that I have remembered for all those years. And you'll get to hear him tomorrow. It was Sandy Beach. And he was the, was that a laugh or chuckle? Couldn't have been from Sandy. You know, it's hard to understand what it is that comes out of someone's mouth or what it is about their demeanor or just what it ist about a person that inspires us. Sometimes they inspire us to laugh, and that's what Sandy did for me that night. I was a newcomer, and I hadn't laughed in years. And I couldn't stop laughing in his meeting. It was so incredible. And sometimes the people that we hear inspire us to move. They touch our hearts. They make us cry. They make uns laugh. Sometimes they make us remember. And sometimes they call us to take action. And so my hope is always that when I open up my mouth, there is something that I pass on to people who are willing to listen. My hope is Always that something that i share might resonate with one or two of you. I realize that most people in the room will never ever even get to connect with what i'm going to say. But i believe that there's one person in the Room tonight that i hope will resonate with who i am and what my story is about because my story is pretty powerful. And it's not powerful for everyone, but it clearly is powerful for me. I get to stand up here before you this evening a walking, talking, breathing example of Alcoholics Anonymous in the flesh. I get To Stand Before You This Evening as an example of someone who has learned what it's about to take the 12 steps off the scrolls that we often see in our meetings on the wall and put that stuff into practice. And so what you're going to hear from me is some talk but mostly you're gonna hear me describe how I live today because that to me is the true measure of how I love sobriety. It's how do my feet move? I can stand up here and say all kinds of great things. I can quote from the book, I can, you know, talk about all kinds OF stuff but it's how DO I LIVE MY LIFE? And I live my life in dedication to Alcoholics Anonymous. I live My Life in in gratitude for what I have been given in 24 years of sobriety because clearly someone who has come from where I've come from shouldn't even be standing where I'm standing today it's but for the grace of God and people like you all over and I want to say clearly there are some of you who I do remember I actually spoke here and I couldn't remember when it was but someone told me it was 1993 I think I was here in Lockport at the Western what was it? The Best Western. And that was 10 years ago. That's a long time. And, you know, I hadn't been back to Buffalo since then, and now I'm privileged to be here this time, and then I'll be back in February when you host the incredible International Women of Alcoholics Anonymous Conference. So, yeah. So I also want to say thank you to the women here in particular for stepping up to the plate, because I was on the advisory board of the IAAWC for four years, And it was hard to sometimes get host committees. And so Buffalo stood up, they were diligent, they were really committed, and now we're all coming here. You've got 3,500 women converging on Buffalo in February. So if you're a single man... Anyway, I was born 50 years ago in Atlanta, Georgia. That's 5-0. and I don't remember a lot about those early days of my life and I do not know if it is because I drank and used so much that the brain cells have been destroyed or maybe it is even at 24 years of sobriety I am still in a state of denial but I can tell you what I remember most about growing up as a kid in the South I remember mostly that I hurt all the time my body hurt my spirit ached my heart longed to be somebody other than who I was And even though many of us have come from different places in here, I know that there are some of you that relate to that. Maybe the details of your story are a little different than mine, but I know you know the feeling of how it felt those last few days or those early days when we were growing up and not wanting to fit in or not feeling like we fit in with anybody. I mean, it didn't matter who it was. Even people who look like us sometimes we just couldn't connect with. And I remember as a kid I used to pray to a God I didn't even believe in to take me away to another place because I couldn't stomach living in my own skin. I hated being black, I hated being a girl, I hated being a southerner, and I hated being poor. I hated everything about me. And if there was anybody paying attention to me as a little kid they probably knew that at some stage of my little life I was going to find a way out of that horrific pain that was gnawing at my gut. And so for me early in life, long before I ever picked up a drink or a drug My earliest escape in life came through books and movies. And I loved books and movie. My mom's a librarian, and so we had books in our house all over the place, everywhere. In every room there were reams and reams of books, books everywhere. And sometimes I'd go take a book off the shelf and I'd sit in the corner all by myself. And I think my mom was thinking that I was trying to become a smart kid. But what was really happening for me was I was so unhappy in this body. I used to open up the books to escape. You know, they were a great panacea for me. I'd open up those books and between those binders was magic. There was magic! I mean, I remember sometimes I'd read a story and I became the character in the book and it was wonderful. It was wonderful! And it was the same thing with old movies. I loved old movies! I loved women like Betty Davis and Joan Crawford and Barbara Stanwyck and Susan Hayward. They were my idols. They were women who had a glass in one hand and they had a cigarette in the other. Some of you heard me or you know the story. You've been there. And they didn't take too much garbage off of anybody, you know? And I loved those women because I was such a wimp. I had such a huge hole in my gut. I just needed something to cling to. And I found it in those women. And it was wonderful. I mean, I actually learned how to smoke cigarettes. I haven't had a cigarette in about 21 years. But I smoked three packs of cool filters for 16 years. And I learned how TO SMOKE by watching Betty Davis in All About Eve. Some of you remember that movie. She's having this party and there's this staircase she's going up and she's got this long sexy cigarette holder in her mouth and she'S talking about it's going to be a bumpy ride. I thought, girlfriend, had you only known how bumpy a ride it was to become. You know, it was going to become a really, really bumpy ride. But I'd stand in the mirror at my mother's house and I'd puff and I would choke. Puff and choke. And some of you that are smokers, I'm sure you didn't one day wake up being able to smoke really well. You know? We would smoke and choke and puff. And oh, God, I'd get so sick and dizzy. But I was a good little addict. Even way back when, I was practicing. And I practiced to the point that I did it very well for 16 long years. I'm surprised I can even talk today. I'm surprise I even have lungs, you know, the horrible thing I did to my body. I learned how to hold a glass and I still have a tendency to hold my glass the same way. My pinky stuck out. And I learned to hold by glass by watching Susan Hayward in Backstreet. And if you remember Backstreat, she actually, I learned a few other tricks of the trade by watching that girl. if you remember the movie she found it necessary to sleep with other people's husbands that was her M.O. and while I am not proud of who I was when I was a drinking woman that is my story that is clearly part of my story there was not a man ever that I had in my life until I got sober who didn't belong to somebody else and I was that way even as a young teenager stealing people's boyfriends thinking it was cute and you know I learned that by watching those women I learned a lot by watching women in the movies I learned about being a female and I get to tell you today that I've learned so much about becoming a woman by watching Women and Alcoholics Anonymous you are my role models today but for many, many years I had to learn it wherever I could get it the books and the movies eventually stopped working for me and what I discovered at the age of 14 years old was the wonderful world of drugs and alcohol and I have to tell you the books and movies worked for a long, long, time they really, really did and then one day they simply stopped working boy, I just kind of lost it you know the senior moment every now and then anybody ever have one of those where you just kindof go to another place that's what happens when you turn 50 so Ilka I'm not worried, you know I used to be crying there was a time when if I missed a beat I was so embarrassed and run off the stage now it's just about walking through the fear and letting it come and spirit will come so the books and the movies worked for a long time and then they simply stopped working and then one day I realized and I don't know if it was on a conscious level or subconscious but I realized that I needed something that was stronger, that was going to make this thing work for me. And at the age of 14, I picked up my first chemical, and I did not put down my last chemical until the age of 26 years old. I had a love affair with alcohol that was decadent, that was painful, that was torturous, that was joyous, that was every single thing I wanted in a lover. That's what alcohol gave me. It filled that hole that was so deep down inside of me that nothing else worked except the booze and the drugs. I am a product of the 60s, and so my life was about better living through chemistry. I had chemicals to bring me up. I hadchemicals to level me out. I had chemicalstobringmedown. It was always about that cycle of drinking and using. And I remember at the end of my drinking, I used to say, and I still actually think about it, had I been able to look down the road at where my life was to go, had I Been Able To See Where I Was Going To Go As A Woman Alcoholic Once I Picked Up That First Drink, guys, I can tell you that I would have never picked up the first drink. And that is just for me. Had I known where I was to grow for the next few years of my life, there is no way in the world I would have consciously walked into the lion's den. There is no Way in the World I would have stepped up to the plate and say, here, take my dignity, take my self-esteem, take me life. I wouldn't have done it. Instead, what I would have done would have been what unfortunately a lot of teenagers do today. I would've chosen to cut the lights out. I would'a chosen to find a way to cut the lights at because the pain would've been too great. But you see, I've come to realize that the reason I didn't commit suicide when I was still drinking is for the one person who I believe is in this room tonight who came to hear me. See, I really, really, really believe that there is one person who was drawn to this room, maybe they didn't even know it, but they were drawn to this room to see in the flesh how you get from point A to point C through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. See,I believe that's what my story is about and that's what that person was drawn here for today and that is why I didn't kill myself, but I will tell you that I believe that, oh boy, I wonder what this is about. Any therapists in the room? Probably just nervous, you know, it happens. Probably just really nervous. Anyway, I am such a miracle today. The fact that I get to stand up before you without picking up a drink or a drug. As I was saying, had I known where my life was going to go at the end of my drinking, I would have never, ever picked up. But I am so grateful that everything has happened to me that's happened to be because I wouldn't get to stand before you tonight. At the end my drinking when I was first introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous and I had not finished drinking yet, I need you to know that. In In 1978, I was first introduced to AA in New York City, which is where I'm originally from. And the woman who was my sponsor, I remember she used to sit down and she used to read from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I remember she would talk about that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization that the big book talks about. And there was not one single moment that she would have to sit down and explain to me what it felt like to be a woman who felt pitifully and incomprehensibly demoralized. And the reason she didn't have to explain is because she knew I knew what it felt like. See, she knew where I had been as a woman alcoholic. I was the kind of woman who compromised herself to the point that I didn't even know what I was doing was a compromise. I'm the one who my mother is a little... When I was a little kid, my mother trained me to be a good girl. My mother trained мне to be respectful of other people and of myself. And yet something happened to me along the way and I forgot, I forgot what that was about. At the end of my drinking, I used to stand under the shower and some of you I know can relate to this. And I'd scrub and I'd rub and I scrub my body trying to take what I thought was the surface dirt off. And sometimes I'd shrug my skin so hard I'd get abrasions. I'd rip my skin apart because what I was trying to do was clean up the surface dirt. So I thought, but what was really happening is I was really trying to clean up that dirt that was so deeply embedded on the inside that I could never touch with soap and water. That I could NEVER touch with soap and Water. And for those of you that are real alcoholics, you know that kind of dirt I'm talking about. The kind that we think we can clean up if we stand under the shower. Or the kind we think we can clear up if we wear pretty clothes or wear fragrance. Or in my case as a woman, the kind I thought I could clean up if I was attached to him. If I was with him, you know, I knew, or there are a few of you that can relate to that, I KNEW I'd be clean if I was on his arm, but you know what? It never worked. It never worked, and I didn't learn until I came into Alcoholics Anonymous many years later that the cleansing process had to go deep down inside of me, that it wasn't about what I wore. It wasn't about how many showers I took or what my clothes looked like or how pretty the fragrance smelled. It was about how I behaved inside, how I acted as a woman, and I didn't learn how to do that until I came to you. I was first introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous in 78, and again, I didn' t even think I belonged here. I just didn' d think I belong here. I was only 25 years old, and for the life of me, I was way too young to be an alcoholic. You see, I mean, alcoholics were those old men on the Bowery. You know the ones. I mean if you have a Boweri here, I'm sure, or something similar. Growing up in New York, it's the old men in the Baueri with the overcoat and the bottle hanging out of the back of his pocket and those veins popping out of his face. But he was an old man. So I really didn't believe that women, and especially young women, could be alcoholics. And then, of course, well, if it was a woman, it was Susan Hayward in I'll Cry Tomorrow where she's digging in the garbage can like a pathetic animal. I mean, if women were alcoholics, they look like her. Or they look Like Lee Remick from Days and Wine of Roses who was talking about hiding booze in her greenhouse. Hello? I didn't even have a greenhouse. How could I be an alcoholic? How could i be an alcoholic? I couldn't be. And so the mind, it's an amazing thing, the power of the mind. The power of perception. I kept thinking I was not an alcoholic and yet my behavior kept speaking to being an alcoholic. I was introduced again in 78 and just didn't stop drinking but what happened in 1978 was you planted a seed. You planted a seed. I eventually moved out, actually it was about a month or so later, I moved out to Las Vegas, Nevada on what I have endearingly called, come to call a geographic and I'll tell you I learned that word right here as I've learned many words in Alcoholics Anonymous and if you don't know what a geographic is it simply means if you move from point A to point C many of you probably think you leave all your baggage back there in point C, right? All right. Well, what happens for a lot of us, we realize that we take our baggage with us. And so when I left New York and moved out to Las Vegas, I took me with me. Now let me also say people have said to me, Francine, of all the places, how could you get sober in Las Vegas Nevada? I mean how could you? It's like going from the frying pan into the fire. And my response to that is always when your number is up, wherever you are lucky enough to be god bless you and i was lucky enough to be in las vegas i moved out there in 78 and i got hit by a car in june of 1979 took about nine months for for something to happen for that moment of clarity to take a hold of me and i Was hit by a car and i can tell you the the last thing i remember was i Was sitting in a discotheque in las Vegas nevada And the next thing i Remember was i was in a hospital with my entire body in traction, and my left leg was in a cast all the way at my thigh. And I didn't have a clue how I got there. I didn' t have a clou. I was hit by a car and didn't even know it. And I know some of you get that. I know som e of you get that! And the reality is that wasn't even enough to get me to stop drinking. I know some you get one too. That no mere car accident is going to stop us if we are on a mission to kill ourselves. And i was on that mission. And so I continued to drink for another month and a half in my cast with my crutches until that day that I truly do call that act of providence, that moment of clarity that happens for each and every one of us that ultimately makes it into Alcoholics Anonymous. I came to one day and I wanted to live more than I wanted it to die. And you know what? I can't tell you guys why it happened. That was not my worst drunk. My last drunk was not my worst, but it was on that particular day I came to and I wanted to live more than I wanted to die. My leg had been so beaten up. When they found me in the street, they didn't think I was going to live. And when they realized I was gonna live, they never thought I'd ever walk again. Because when they found me, my left leg had come up behind my head and the bone had come straight through. You would think that would have been enough. But it took a month and a half later for that moment of clarity to happen, and then it did. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous for what I pray was the last time that I have to come in and raise my hand as a newcomer in 1979, in July of 1979 in Las Vegas, Nevada. And I came in here with all my baggage. I come in here hating being with you. I hated being an alcoholic I hated being I hated the idea of not being able to drink even if it was for one day at a time you used to psych me into thinking it wasn't forever you'd say oh it's just a day at a time yeah right yeah yeah if you're a newcomer don't get sucked into that one you know and I'm still here 24 years later it's like but you kept telling me just to just to come in and you know But I had such an attitude, and perhaps some of you can relate to this. I had a horrible attitude when I came in here. I mean, I was right off the streets of New York. So I just, I mean I had wall around me that was so thick, wouldn't let me out in it, wouldn' let you in. And I used to hang out in the back, in what I endearingly call the inventory section. That was my favorite section. I'm not suggesting that's where you guys are. Oh, you are? But I sit in the back of the room and I take up three seats. Now, who needs three seats? I did. I took up three seeds, one for my bottom, one from my broken leg, and one for my crutches. Who needs a seat for their crutches? But I did because that's how bad my attitude was. I used to sit in back with the other people who were equally as miserable as me, and I'd have my arms crossed and I would dare you to make my day. I would dare you to say something that was going to make me stick around. And you know what? You didn't. I don't know why I stuck around, but I'm so grateful I did. But I don' t know why I did because I hated you all. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I hated men and I hate it women and that doesn't leave a whole lot of people in between. You know? It's like, God! I didn't like anybody. I was so angry. I was just so angry and you know while I didn't like men I really, really did like women though I have to tell you and I particularly despised the women who would get up to the platform who looked a little too good and sounded even better and they would be talking about how they've changed their life through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous it was like hello I did not want to hear these women these women who talk about I don't sleep with other people's husbands or I don' t do this and it was just like please you know It's like, I just really thought this was a joke. And so I liked the women who were like me, the ones who did sleep with other people's husbands, the ones whose wives were like them. The ones who didn't hang out in the bars even though they were new. I liked them because they didn't judge me. But I must tell you that, you know, the irony of that is eventually I became one of those women that I didn't like. I actually became the very woman that I hated when I was newly sober. I hated her. I hated me, and now I am that woman. And you know what? That's the deal. When you stick around here long enough and you become willing to do the work, you become someone who can look at themselves in the mirror and you can genuinely like the person who looks back. Not just giving it lip service, but you can generally like the people or the person whose image is coming back. So I came in here and I didn't like anybody And fortunately for me, I ended up connecting with a sponsor when I was about 30 days, 60 days sobriety. And, you know, I just want to take a moment and say thank God for tough sponsors. I know that's a nasty word in a lot of AA meetings, especially with new recovery today. But I'm from the old school, and I am just really, really grateful for the women, for the woman in particular who had the courage to tell me the truth about who I am. Because, you see, had you given me an inch, I would have taken a mile. And I could have done it because I had been a manipulator all my life. But somehow God saw fit to put a woman in my path who was equally as tough as me. She had been down that road. She knew where I had binned and she had my number. And you know what? Lucky for me, lucky for me. I have to say I did not like her very much though. It's important that you know that. I really didn't like her because all Louise used to talk about was action, gratitude, service, and God. That's all she ever talked about, things that I not only didn't know about but wasn't very interested in finding out about. I mean, God was not a part of my life. I loved God a long time ago as a Southern Baptist. I didn't want to know about God. And service, well, it was what you could do for me that mattered. You know, and action, well I was a victim. I didn't say those words, but my behavior was always, poor me, look at my life, I can't help myself, this is just the way it is. And she called me on that. She was the first person who said to me, you know, Francine, it's not a mistake, excuse me, that in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous there's an entire chapter called Into Action. And she said, more than that, it'S not a Mistake that in that chapter you're going to find most of our 12 steps discussed, steps 5 through 11. And then she said, you know what? It is not a mistake that in that chapter you're going to find the promises. She said if you are wanting the promises that Alcoholics Anonymous has to offer, then you need to get into action. Let me also tell you that Louise said to me I didn't really have to do anything if I didn' t want to. She said, if you don' t wanna go to meetings, you don't have to. If you don''t wanna stop behaving the way you are behaving, you don'T have to, but remember that if you keep doing what you've been doing, you will keep getting what you've been getting the choice is yours and you know I didn't necessarily like that very much but a day at a time because she kept pounding it in my brain I want to share actually three things in particular that Louise taught me because to me again this is a program of action it's a program of how I behave that tells you the kind of life that I lead and these are three really important things she taught me if it's something that resonates with you I invite you to take it as your own. The first thing was she told me it really was not an esteemable act. She told me that self-esteem comes from doing esteem able acts. That self-esteem comes from doing esteeme able acts She said if I act like a hooker, I will be treated like a hooker That if I dress like a whore, I would be treated like a hore She said that if every other word out of my mouth was a four letter word then don't be surprised if that's the message I get back from others She said that self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. And so one of the first things she taught me was that it wasn't an esteemble act, that I should be sleeping with somebody else's husband, period, period. She said there is no excuse. And she said neither is there an excuse that you would be sleeping with somebody elses boyfriend and justifying that it's not their husband. I mean, it's like go figure. I figured if there was no ring on the finger, then they were available. And you know what? Even if there wasn't a ring, it didn't matter. And yet she taught me that that was not an esteemable act. And I can tell you as a result of that training, there is not one single woman in this room or any room today that would ever have to worry about me in the room with your man. Now, that might not mean a lot to some of you, but you know what? That's, to me, the measure of my recovery. I don't do that stuff today. I do not do it. But not only do I not do It because it makes me feel dirty and less than, I used to wonder why I didn't have any female friends, you know? And so Louise said to me if you stop putting the make on every woman's boyfriend that you meet, then you would have some girlfriends. So I also found that a fringe benefit of not sleeping with other people's husbands and boyfriends is I get to have healthy, genuine, honest relationships with other women that are based on authenticity, that arebased on love, thatarebased on friendship. That's what I get here. Louise taught me that self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. The second thing she taught me was that it was inappropriate that I should show up at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in a bikini. I swear this is true I used to come to meetings I swear this is real I used to come to meetings at four years sober even with hot pants the size of a sash the size of a sash and my cheeks would be hanging out and I'm not talking about my facial cheeks and then I would come to meetings with blouses that were opened all the way down to my navel. If you remember a few years ago, they had that big stink about Jennifer Lopez with that piece of scarf that she wore to the Grammys. She had nothing over on me. It was so disgusting. I used to go to meetings dressed like that and I couldn't figure out why all the guys wanted my phone number and none of the women wanted to talk to me. Brother. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. And one of the things she taught me is how to dress appropriately for the occasion. And today I do. I wear bikinis, but on the beach or at a pool, not in an AA meeting. The other thing Louise taught me was that, um, for me, and I say this not for anyone else's benefit, but for my own. She taught me that she basically taught me I needed to clean up my mouth. That's what she taught me. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous with a mouth that was so filthy, it was disgusting. Every other word out of my mouth was a four-letter word and I used to think it was cute. And I really used to get support in it because every time I'd curse in a meeting, people would laugh. And so one day Louise said to me, is that the kind of reinforcement you want? I mean, it wasn't. It was like negative reinforcement and because I had no self-esteem it was better to have you laugh at me rather than not have you acknowledge me at all. It was really pathetic but that's who I was and a day at a time Louise taught me how not to curse one day at the time and because my brain was so thick, because this kind of behavior was so entrenched, so much a part of who I was, literally she had to teach me as though I was a little child how not to curse we went from like 10 curse words to a sentence to five curse words to a sense and then she taught me how to reduce it to like three curse words and two and then maybe one every sentence and then maybe every other sentence had a curse word until before you know what I wasn't cursing again that might not be much for some of you but for me it was a big thing because I never knew that I could describe my feelings in a way other than using four-letter words and you know it today I know I know a lot of other words because of Alcoholics Anonymous. You've taught me how to expand my vocabulary and I choose not to curse. Louise taught me that. As my insides were starting to change, my outsides were also starting to change because of this incredible woman who was my sponsor. And at two years old, I decided I wanted to go back to school and that was a big to-do for someone like me who had been a high school dropout and for whom education had never ever been important. You see, not one of those men who used to pay me a lot of money ever, ever, ever asked me where I went to school. They never asked me if I had a degree. They never even cared if I could read. You know, all that mattered was that they could take me somewhere and that I could perform. That I would look the part and when in private, I could perform. That's all that matters. And you know what? The sad reality is that's all it mattered to me for a long time. I got the money, they got what they want. And you know what? The rest just, I drank so much, it kind of blotted it out. You know? That's the good news about alcohol. It'll take away whatever feelings you don't like. You just have another drink. And every time I slept with somebody for money, I had to go have another drank and another drink and another drank. And before you know it, I just was drinking all the time. But I decided I wanted to go back to school and I wanted to become a woman of substance because that's what Louise talked about. And that's who Louise was. You know, she wasn't someone who just talked about it. I used to watch her feet move. I watched her behavior around other people. I washed how she acted in the meetings as well as outside of the meetings. I wanted to be a woman of substance like her. And so that meant I had to become willing to do the things that she was doing. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. And so for me, the thing that I wanted to do is I wanted to go back to school because I had been so ashamed of being stupid. And that's how I saw myself. I was uneducated. I dropped out of school. I felt like such a nothing inside. And you know what? I used to lie to people and tell them I had graduated from high school. And then I even lied more and told people I had gone to college. And I have to tell you, it didn't take a rocket scientist for people to know I had no education. Trust me, it did not take a rock scientist. But I would lie and lie and lying. And then one day, I went and bought a GED book in Las Vegas. And every time company would come, and this tells you how ashamed I was of not being educated. Every time company could come to my house, I'd hide my book under my bed. It was so sad. I mean, I lived alone, but I would still hide it just like I'd hid my booze. I was living alone,but I'd hiding my boo's. And I hid my book. But when people were gone, I'd read it and I'd study. And I ended up getting my GED when I was living in Vegas. I was 26, 27, something like that, 28 years old, two years when I was sober, two ears. And then I went back to school in Las Vegas. I started college at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas and then in 1981, 1982, I moved back to New York City because what I wanted to do with my life, I couldn't do in Vegas. I had this big dream. I had these huge dreams. And you know, I just want to take this moment to say that I was one of those people who grew up on the other side of the tracks, who believed that dreams were for other people. I didn't believe that I qualified or capable of having anything in life other than to be what I had been all my life. and I was also taught as a kid through a lot of different ways that I should never go for the moon because if I went for the Moon, if I went for what I really wanted, I'd only be disappointed so I should probably just settle for whatever I could get. And you know, I bought into that for a long time. For a long, long time and I bet there's some of you out here that probably have bought intothat message too where people told us we couldn't do anything, we can't, we never will And after a while, if people tell you you can't do something, after a While, you start to believe them. And I did. But Louise kept saying, You know what, Francine? You can do anything you want to do if you are willing to do the footwork. Anything you want if you're willing to doing the work. And so I just kept doing the Work. I just Kept doing it. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. And I moved back to New York and I put myself through college one day at a time. I worked full-time. I went to school full time and I was very, very active in service And I have to tell you there were days when I just don't know how I did it because it was so hard So hard But in particular I'd like to share this because what I found is especially for the newcomers between those very delicate years of one and five What happens is when people go back to school or they have the right job or they get the right relationship all of a sudden they stop going to meetings All of a suddenly they just don't have time to go to meetings. And you know what? Louise never, ever, ever let me get to that place because she used to remind me that the only reason I am sitting in anybody's classroom is because of Alcoholics Anonymous. The only reason I am in school is because of you. And what she also said is I had a responsibility to pass on a message of hope and inspiration to others. And the only way I'm going to be around others is by showing up in meetings. She said, I had a responsibility to let people know what happens when you are willing to do the work. And so there were times I came to meetings just haggard. I hated it. I cursed myself inside because I didn't want to be in a meeting. But you know what? I showed up. I showedup because this is where I got my sustenance. And thank God because eventually the day came in my recovery when I so needed you. And thank God you were there for me because I had been there for myself. I moved back to New York City in 1986 having, no, I moved to, I'm sorry, in 1986 I moved into Washington, D.C. to complete my education. And in 1989 I moved Back to New YorK City having graduated from one of the top law schools in this country. and I can tell you that it might not mean much to anybody sitting in here but for a kid who used to pay lawyers a lot of money to keep her out of jail the fact that I can claim myself as an attorney is just unbelievable and a gift of Alcoholics Anonymous but what I need to share thank you but what i need to share is that it was not an easy road and I always like to talk about the struggle of reaching a dream because so many people are afraid to go for what they really want to go for in life because they're afraid they will fail. And I get to talk to people all the time, every day, who become willing to make safe choices, who become willingness to settle for seconds, whether it's seconds in a relationship, whether it is seconds in job, whether it seconds in anything because they are afraid to go for what they want because they're afraid they might make a mistake or they might fail or they may be rejected. Well, I'm here to tell you tonight that yeah, you might get rejected. Yeah, you MIGHT fail. And you know what you do? You get up and dust yourself off and you do it again. And that's what happened to me. It took me several tries before I became admitted to the New York Bar. And I have to tell ya, fail...actually, me and John Kennedy Jr. were like right on target with each other you know we fail the bar together every time except his paper was his face was splattered all over the New York News in the post and I just got to do it in the in the comfort of Alcoholics Anonymous and we were actually admitted to the bar on the same day but I kept showing up and the reason I kept showing up is because of you guys because you kept letting I mean you wouldn't let me not show up. You wouldn't let me. You kept saying, you keep going for the dream. You keep going for the stream. You don't drink, you don't use drugs. You stay in service and you go for the dream. And as a result, I got eventually to, I eventually reached that dream. And then what happened is you made the mistake of telling me that I could do anything I wanted to do just anything. And you know, that's a tough thing to tell somebody as they're getting sober because I really started to believe you. I really started to believe you and one of the other dreams that I've had that's recently come true because of you and Alcoholics Anonymous is 10 years ago my mentor and some of you might have heard him speak some of you might have remembered Dr. Paul from Dr. Alcoholic Addict in the third edition of the big book was one of my closest friends and Dr. Paul was the first person who said to me you know what I think you should be writing He says, I really think you should be writing a book. Because he had just written several books. And I was like really, really afraid because what happens if you write is you have to put pen to paper and then it goes into perpetuity. Everybody gets to read it forever and ever and ever. And I'm so afraid. But Dr. Paul and Louise kept saying, you can do it one day at a time. And what happened after taking ten years, that's how much my fear paralyzed me. And I must tell you, over the years, when I first decided I wanted to write, it was in 1993. It took me until three, four years ago, because I was just really scared. And I would tell you that it was because I didn't have time. I would say, I don't know, I'm not a writer. I would always tell you I didn' t have time to write. I was too busy. I didn''t have the money to write but what was really happening is inside I was afraid. And Alcoholics Anonymous at every turn has just been behind me saying, show up and do the footwork. That's all. That's been my job, to show up and do that. I've got to show the foot work. And as a result of the beginning of this year, my other dream came true. I got to be published as an author. It's like the kid who can barely read. Thank you. Thank you, You know, for me, it's really important to share some of those things that have happened that have been positive because I'm really good at telling you all the stuff that's been miserable. I could do that. I've sat in meetings for years and years and years talking about how horrible it was a day at a time. But you know what? I've been given some gifts in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first gift is I was given the gift of having a horrible life, a horrible early life, A very challenging life. And then I was given tools. I was given the gift of you where you gave me the tools to change that. And then I was given the gift of being willing to share that experience. And I must tell you, I'm always grateful when someone gets up to the platform and has the courage to talk about the things they've done in recovery, how they've overcome their fear, how they're able to do it. How they've reached their goals because that's how I got to do It myself. Had I never heard anybody at the platform talk about doing what they really wanted to do, I would have never thought it was possible. You know, at the beginning of my recovery, I was invited to make a list of all the things I wanted out of my recovery. And on that list, you would have found a litany of every single material thing I lost. You would havefound fur coats and diamond rings and kitty cats and stereos. That's what you would've found. You would've never, ever, ever found the things that I believe are most valuable, those intangible things that nobody can take away. You can't take them away, you can't Take them away from me The only way they get taken away Is if I give them up Those have become the most precious Gifts I've been given in sobriety Things like self-esteem And for me self-esteem Today truly, truly comes from Doing esteemable acts Which almost without exception Comes from walking through my fear You see I've discovered that every single time I get up and do something I'm scared to do which is just about all the time, every time I do it, there's a little check next to my name. And when I do one thing that's scary, that gives me the courage to do something else and something else and something other. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. Self-esteem comes from walking through fear. I used to think that courage was not being afraid. I used to think that courage was about an absence of fear. And today I've come to understand that courage is simply the willingness to walk through my fear. That's what courage is all about. I'm not a brave person necessarily, but I'm willing to walk Through My Fear. What you'd also find on that list today is the gift of God. My conception of God has changed so much in the years I'm sober, and thank God for that. When I first got sober, I didn't believe in God. I was actually one of those agnostics. I believed that there was a God, but just not for me. The difference between an atheist and an agnostic. I had grown up as a Southern Baptist, and the last thing in the world I wanted to hear about was God. The last thing I wanted it to hear. Because my idea of God was that old man with a white beard, sitting up on top of a mountain, mandating what I should be doing. I didn' t want any part of that. And yet today I can tell you I'm one of those people in Alcoholics Anonymous who would no more do without my faith than I would air, food, or sunshine. That's what Step 11 tells us, and that's who I've become. My faith has become so much a part of my life that truly the only reason I get to stand up here before you is because God's there. See, I believe that I getto do God's work, but mostly it's God that gives me the ability to walk through my fear because I know God's in my pocket, God's on my shoulder, God's is my spirit. I believe today spirit moves in and around and through me and that's the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous. What you'd also find on that list today is the gift of my mom and I know that's a really nasty topic to say in an AA meeting but you know what? It's the reality for me and I want to say first that I'm very, very grateful for when I came in that I heard all these women who hated their mothers and who had the courage to talk about it. I am so grateful. I heard one woman after another bash their mom when I was new, and I needed to hear that because otherwise I would have felt like a leper. But I will also tell you I am grateful for the women who eventually, when the time came for me to change my attitude, I'm grateful forthe women who talked about practicing these principles in all their affairs, which was not just with some people but in their families in particular. I am so grateful for those women who talked about changed relationships with their mothers because again when the time came for me to do it at least I had some role models and as a result today my mother is one of my best friends you know it blows me away even saying that. My mom is one of my most important best friends. You know about three years ago I took my mother on a For her 70th birthday, I took her away to Hawaii for a week. And it was a challenging week, I need to just tell you that. It was very challenging. And it Was One of the Best Gifts I Gave to Myself. Yes, it was gift to her, but it was really one of the best gifts I could have given myself. Number one, I got to see where I got a lot of my character defects from. Truly. But I also got to see myself as more human, as more human. Because you know what I realized about my mother that's so wonderful? My mom has done the best she could with what she had and I really believe that today. I don't just give it lip service anymore like I used to. I mean, I know my mother did the best he could. And she wasn't the greatest mother, but she did the best she would raising two kids by herself. And it's only today in retrospect that I get to appreciate her for all she's given me. she's so special and I am so grateful that if my mother would have dropped dead right now you know what I feel hurt I feel sad but there's not a stitch of guilt that I would feel there is no unfinished business in my relationship with my mother today I'm a good daughter today I am a really really good daughter and that's because of you an Alcoholics Anonymous I was talking to Lee when we were writing and he was telling me how he gets to hang out with his granddaughter today. You know, what a gift. I bet you they wouldn't have trusted you with her a few years ago. And yet today, every day he hangs out with this little baby. How sweet it is. And the last thing on the list I'd like to share with you that I would have probably shortchanged myself with regard is the gift of love. You now, like I said, I didn't like anybody when I came in here and I was one of those people who judged everybody based on the 2% of the things that I believe separate me from you. And I truly believe it's only 2%. See, I have come to believe that the only thing that differentiates me from you, you, you, you, any of us is race, gender, sexual orientation and perhaps our religious choices. But you know what? If I were in a dark room and didn't know any of that about you, I'd only be able to connect with your heart. I'd be able to connect I'd ONLY be able to connect with your heart. And so for me, I'd be hard-pressed to talk about living a spiritual program if I hate anybody for the color of their skin, for their sexual preferences or orientation, for their religious choices, or for anything that's different. Anything that's different. That's what you've taught me and I have to tell you it's not always easy in a world where we all have our own opinions but one of the greatest gifts you've given me is an open heart. And I must tell you, too, that, again, for me, the proof is in the pudding. It's not just what I say because, you know, it's easy to say I'm loving. It is easy to have all kinds of friends. It is another to watch the demonstration in my life. And I will tell you my life is a demonstration of how that is a changed experience for me. For someone who would have never ever had friends who were different from her, today Most of my friends are mixed. They're from everywhere. I sponsor women who are from every corner of the globe. My close friends are from all over the place. My husband, my husband is Jewish and he's from the Bronx. I mean, it's like, and I have to tell you, the real diversity issue in our family is not that he's Jewish and from the Broncs, it's that he said he's a therapist. That's the diversity issue. I mean, go figure, a lawyer and a therapist? I mean hello. But you know again, it's about how my feet move. My words will say one thing but how do I behave? What do my friends look like? Well, my friends are mixed. I have friends from everywhere because that's what you've taught me. You've taught to practice these principles in all my affairs. I am so grateful to be alive and to be sober you know what, I'll be coming up on my 51st birthday soon and I have to tell you I am excited, that's why I just keep saying it it's like so cool to be 50 I remember when I was in my well for me sorry, I saw a few people kind of cringe in their seat but my husband just turned 62 and he's not so ecstatic but I remember when I as a teenager growing up in the 60s 30 was like old And I mean, those of you from the 60s, you remember, if somebody was 30, they were from a whole other generation. And now it's like, I am proud to be a woman who is 50. I am pround to be as sober a woman, who is fifty. And you know what? My body's changed. I'm a little chunkier, you know. I'm little different than I was maybe 25 years ago, but you know, what's inside? It's so sweet. I'd like to close by reading something from AA-approved literature, just in case there are any AA purists in the room. What's that group? The Longshore Group or whatever? Liquid Group? I hear about you guys. I know there are some purists. I can smell you, actually. Well, I'm one too. And you know what? My sponsor, Louise, she was one of those book babies. And how lucky I am for that. She was one OF those people who really believed the answers were in the books. And she kept guiding me. You know, I remember, actually, I remembered the first time she talked about, well, I can't remember now. But whenever she used a phrase, I would ask her where it was in the book. She would say, go read it and find out. That would be an assignment. I mean, I stopped asking her because I didn't want another assignment. But you know what the good news is? That's how I got through the literature. That's why I learned what a treasure trove of information we have in our books. And she loved all the books, not just the big books. She was, I mean, she loved them all. And so my favorite books today have become the 12 and 12 and As Bill Sees It. And I always like to end my talks with this one. If you have never seen As Bill See's It, it's really a wonderful compilation of phrases phrases and paragraphs and stories from all of our other literature, as well as letters from Bill Wilson and passages from The Grapevine. And she used to have me read this, which was interesting. She had me read everything in here under... First let me tell you, she had me read Everything in This Book under gratitude and action and resentment because, and this is how I put it. She didn't say it this way. My face was always in a pissed off position. I was always mad. So she had me read everything in here under that and so you know what? Eventually my attitude changed. And so I always like to close my talk with this passage on page four and it's entitled Can We Choose? And I now have to wear glasses at 50 to read. We must never be blinded by the feudal philosophy that we are just the hapless victims of our inheritance, of our life experience, and of our surroundings. That these are the soul forces that make our decisions for us. This is not the road to freedom. We have to believe that we can really choose. And you know what? That's what you've given me in 24 years of sobriety, the gift of choice. You've taught me that it doesn't matter where I've come from, doesn't matter what color my skin is. Doesn't matter whether I believe in God or I don't. It doesn't matter what my history was all about. You've taught me that the only thing that matters in the overall scheme of things is what I do with this most precious gift you've given me. And not just what I'd do with it in an AA meeting, because it's easy to be nice and friendly sometimes in an AAA meeting. But you've taught me. The real test is how do I carry these principles out there? How do I act in traffic? How do I act on the line in the supermarket or on the line in the bank, especially when people aren't moving as quickly as I think they should be moving? You know, how do I act at work with my co-workers? Do I give an honest day's work for an honest dayís pay or do I find it necessary to kind of slough around and gossip. How do I act at my home? How do I treat my husband? Do I treat my husband like a dog and then come to AA meetings spouting these wonderful pearls of wisdom? What you've taught me is that it's how I practice this stuff everywhere I am, not just sometimes, not just here. And you also taught me that the only thing that you would ever really ask of me to do is to always pass on the gift you've given me. And for that I am so very, very grateful. God bless you, and thank you for my subordination.