The Spiritual Malady as Anything That Separates Me From You — Cyndi M., Olis S., and Theresa F.

Hi, y'all. My name is Cindy Masters and I'm an alcoholic. And because of the grace of God, some simple actions in this program and both sides of sponsorship, I've been sober every single day in a row since December the 17th, 1985. That's my miracle. And I am so grateful. I came in originally in 1980. And so it took me five years. And part of the reason it took five years Ali told me I could talk in general about step 11 and that's kind of how I'm going to tee this up and focus on really three things you know I got here so broken I came off the streets I had what most people would consider fairly low bottom and I essentially blamed God for it so I want to call myself atheist but certainly had no trust in any kind of a God and I didn't want nothing to do with God so to imagine myself all these years later sitting with of almost 400 of my closest friends to talk exclusively about God and to be vulnerable because there is no more intimate or vulnerable relationship for me to talk about than my relationship with God. It is the most special and spectacular relationship in my life. And I got that relationship because of you. So you are who introduced me to God. And it was being willing to sit and listen to some of you and, you know, talks in the 12 and 12. these are the three things we're going to talk about it talks about there are times where we're going to be rebellious and we are not going to want to pray or talk to god it says that that that happened but we got to talk to God anyway we don't have to feel it we got TO TALK TO GOD ANYWAY but there's another counter to that which is the promise that we don t always talk about because there are you know there are promises in um in all of our steps and in the 12 and 12 on 105, it says, perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as real and eternal things in line. And that's a promise. Do I feel that every day? No, but I feel it most days, which is quite miraculous. I feel at most days. You know, I feel a part of you and a part of the world. And I believe that the spiritual malady is anything that separates me from you or God. Period. That's my spiritual malody. So if I have an issue with one of God's kids, I'm experiencing the spiritual malady. And, and that's kind of how it manifests when I get in trouble in my world, because one of the things that recovery and God, I have pneumonia right now, I'm on the tail end of the flu and COVID. And so bear with me as I lose my breath, I're going to do the best I can here. But I wouldn't miss this for the world. There were two gifts I got during the pandemic. One was I've always played guitar in my recovery and I took up native flute because it focused on breath so that I could be still and it could get my energy to hear so that this perfect listening device that sits right here, that we all have, could get cleared out enough to actually feel God and experience God. Because that's how God talks to me. You know, it's in this little part right here that always knows the truth if I'm willing to not overwrite it. If I'm willing to not say no, not that God, if I'm willing to just be still. And I don't sit still well. I'm high energy. I am full on. And so when I play that flute, I'm here. And all of a sudden I can hear God so, so well. And and so my relationship with God was enhanced. I'd never I run businesses now. I have this great big giant life and I'd ever had the decadent privilege of being able to spend up to three hours a day in prayer and meditation. And the pandemic gave me that privilege because I was so afraid I was going to lose all that stuff that I got the real stuff. I got The Real Gift from being able to just, you know, be... My friend Brother Luke is here. Brother Luke and I are good friends in person and, you Know, he's contemplative. He's a contemplative monk and I got to be contemplative now I know that that's some real juice there, Luke, some real juice. At the, you know, at the end of the nightly review, it says that, you know, that we can't drift into morbid reflection, but it also says that if we start to live this prayer and meditation thing, if we start to do this, what happens is we're in way less danger of fear, excitement, excitement. I didn't think I was in danger of excitement, but excitement is scary for me too much excitement is not good for me at all although i really do like it you know but we're much less we're it's another promise that stuff just and what it says is that we can pack more into the stream of life because we're not burning energy uselessly anymore we're not on the treadmill just trying to get anywhere you know i wasn't going anywhere i was just going anywhere. And, and so what happens is when I pray and meditate and my focus becomes God and God's kids. All right. All of a sudden I, I mean, I'm a kid that does not have, I didn't go to high school, not only not graduate, right? I got no college. I got none of that. I run a global business that I own, you know, why? Cause I'm not burning up energy uselessly. And I try to be of service there too. Like how blessed am I? When I get discombobulated, this is my experience with 11-step rather than just trying to be a teacher on some topic for me, right? So my, is that if I will go and I will ramp up my morning and nights, and it's all in these pages in the big book exactly what to do and what i bring in and i've got loads of books this whole floor-to-ceiling bookshelf are all religious and spiritual books and this site is all aa books and oxford group stuff and washingtonian stuff and i'm a seeker right but the only thing that ever helps me feel connected is when i seek not when i get found and i don't know if that makes sense but it's never in the because i want recognition i'm human and my instinct is give me recognition let me let me be recognized let me have this or that and never that always feels hollow but when i seek and when i seek to help you that's when i feel most connected with god and that is when i'm found if that makes any sense at all. And that is when that promise of feeling part with the world, you know, because I do and I didn't. I was in state mental hospitals in the 70s. I was in jails. I wasn't a part of society. And when I was early in recovery, so I'm talking about the 11-step promises. I suppose that's what I'm talking about. And when I was in early recovery, they would occasionally take me to a restaurant that used cloth napkins and I would freak out. I would have so much anxiety because what fork, what spoon, you know, it's like, I felt so a part of everywhere I went. It's that, you know, I've had its old ego and bravado, but today I very rarely ever feel that anywhere I go. I know that I belong because I belong with God. Now, what happens if I start? Because what happened after the pandemic? Well, I've got three businesses today and they're all successful. That may sound like nothing but good news, but it's a lot. And so it demands a lot, so now how do I get that meditation time in with God? How do I be still with God enough hours to get that feeling. And the truth is, I don't get three hours a day. But if I don'T carve out 30 minutes, I promise you, I will not be my best self. I won't be able to follow the further instructions to pause when agitated and doubtful. I WON'T BE ABLE TO LOOK AT MY EMPLOYEES WHEN THEY AREN'T BEHAVING THE WAY I WANT THEM TO AND BE KIND. BUT IF I JUST TAKE JUST EVEN THE 30 MINUTES, I am guaranteed that throughout that day, I will catch myself. I have the best shot in the world of being my best self. And my life is rich and fulfilling and amazing when I think about you. When I look to how to love you. And when I love you, I feel loved. And I never, you know, Mother Teresa could not have made me feel loved on the streets. That's just a fact. there wasn't enough love you know but when I am activating this step in the morning I can't help but go try and look at you through God's eyes now I will tell you I am batting a hundred percent this week and I haven't worked for two weeks which has never happened except for when I've been in the hospital and um I've gone to work for half days yesterday and today. And I don't feel good. I'm vulnerable, but I still took the time with God and we've had some hard things. And that promise is true because I'm seeing my employees as God's kids and not my employees, because that's what they are first. You know, I did a step study right before this meeting with mostly women I sponsor. And it's mostly women that have more than 20 years that want to unveil again and go back and be a beginner. And we're just having a great time we're just having a great time it's the only time when I was new I just wanted you to love me I wanted to understand see I was in all those foster homes and all that stuff I didn't understand why nobody could love me why I was so broken that I was unlovable and I tried so hard to prove to you why you shouldn't demand that you do that I never felt a part of, and I always felt isolated and unloved. And the minute it began to flip, and I began to look at how can I love you? I began to feel a part of and I began to feel loved. I only do that with God's help. And I won't do that if I don't do that in the morning. And if I don't bookend at the end of the day, and look at, okay, how'd I do? And it's the first time I get to kind of look at not just what I did wrong, but also where have I made a little progress, right? Where have I Made a little progress the 11th step, I'm ready to start looking at that and not using it to feed my ego. You know, and you know, all I know is that today at the end of the day, it's going to be a good review. I don't owe an apology. It's okay if I do. I'm not a failure there's a real tool to take care of that so I don't have to walk in tomorrow with that burden and that's what step 11 gives me and when I don'T do it when I DON'T take the time and how many of us we're most of us are Americans right most of US are Americans Americans we work five million hours a week we think that everything's about getting more doing more having more. And it's like, that's the trap. That's the track because there's no real juice and joy in that. None for me. You know, the big juice in my employment is I've gotten to really help some people have careers that might not have had those careers without that opportunity. That'S joyful, but making money is not joyful for me and buying things is not joyful for me. Loving you is very joyful and watching the light come on in you. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Why? Because the light can only come on you in on a new when I'm with you, when God turns it on. So it means that God's here, you know, and it means that you and I together are connected with that big power And we're getting to experience all that magic together. And what an intimate, magical experience, you know? And it's not just with women that we sponsor or men that we sponsor. And I want to say that Allie was my second gift that came during the pandemic. Allie is not sober a bazillion years. But the intimacy that I have shared with Allie, particularly around God I'm seeking and things like that has touched my soul it's moved me and it's motivated me and I think that's part of what step 11 is about too is am I open to what God would have me be today and who God would help me be with and not the vision that I think should exist because I get so caught up in what I'm supposed to be with my sponsor that's 48 years sober to have this spiritual experience but that's not who God wanted me to have that within the pandemic He wanted me to have that spiritual experience with Allie, and I did. And I don't know about you, but when it gets raw and it gets really spiritual and you can truly share about your God, which is likely to change by tomorrow for me, like my defining God changes constantly, but when I let that little part of me that hears God connect with another human being, there's no more vulnerability on the planet, and there's not more intimacy on the plane. i love step 11 i love 10 and i love 12 i love getting to put this thing on my life and that's what step 11 is about it's about converting this decision i made in step three you know to offer myself to god right to do with me as god will and to learn how to put that into action and to listen to God, what does that mean to God? Not to me. You know, many of you have heard my story, but I'll just share this little piece. You Know, when I had the wreck at 12 years sober and I lost everything and I'm having seizures and I am on food stamps and I m on social security disability, nobody expects me to function again. And you brought me new girls and I d have a seizure and the new girl would feel better. And I was useful. And that was not my vision of me being spiritual. But what happened was, I let God's vision be enough, which is I think what step 11 is about hearing God's will into our daily life. And because I did, and I didn't demand that it look different. I began to get better because when we're useful, we get better. We get better. You know, I had been planning a second home for some time. You know? I'm getting close to retirement age. Now where are you going to buy a second home? Florida? California? I don't know. The Dominican Republic. Not me. Cincinnati, Ohio. Cincinnati, Ohio. Yes. To take care of the people that weren't capable of taking care of me. To take my dad to chemo. To take my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's. That's what you gave me and guess what? I believe I'm happier doing that than I would be lolling in the Florida sunshine. You know why? I can't believe me. God surprised me with what I can be capable of. And I'm like, oh my gosh. All these years later, I'm actually a nice person. Now, I don't know about you guys, but that wasn't on the realm of possibilities when I got here. I did not even want to be a nice person and I certainly wasn't, but today I kind of am and that makes me feel joy and full and happy, you know? And it's like, so the same thing that applies with you guys which is the easy street, like how do I love comfort and understand you? Wow, it applies to those same dysfunctional families. And when I can see their brokenness, then I get to bring this into my daily affairs, which is the whole key. The 11th step is not just about, and if you read the whole thing, it's not about just the bookends. It's about how do you live this all day long? I'm not even great at it. Here's what I am. I am an athlete in training. Spiritually, I am training. And I go and I give it my very best every day. And I am better than I was yesterday, and I'm better than i was last year, and I're better than I was the year before. Last year when I spoke here, I talked about issues I was having at work being reactive. Guess who's not right now? That's not me. That's God. I begged God. I prayed. I, you know, I shared it because I thought, well, it must be useful if I'm still being a jerk, you know? Because if you have a defect it's still showing up i guess god's got use of it so at least tell on myself and and there's peace now like so i'm better than i was last year you know that's the key to this thing it's about for me a spiritual seeking and striving and a self-forgiveness of my humanity because i don't like the glass ceiling of humanness that then allows me to accept your humanity and to love you anyway. Because when I can't love me anyway with my humanity, right? When I can'T forgive my humanity my fallibility. I can'T forgive yours. I ca'N'T forgive yours now. I don't get there by being Saturday Night Live and looking in the mirror and saying I love myself. I do not. How do I do it? I do it by acting like I love you, forgiving you and in turn forgiving myself the same digressions. When I don't know where I'm going with this, I prayed. I am sick and so I just pray, God, just give me something. And I know I'm a little all over the map. I apologize for that, but it's from my heart. It's always from my heart. You know, I love big and I love so many people here do I have five minutes left or am I done can somebody tell me because I did not look at a clock and I don't want to go over five thank you Allie if I have less it's okay because I'm happy to shut up at any moment but um I'm so excited to hear all this because I've not heard her before and my experience with all this was she's gracious and she's kind. And I have been sick and I made a big anyway, I flubbed up a calendar and she was just gracious and kind about it. And, you know, Teresa, I've known a long time and I love Teresa. And you know I'm going to put one more little thing out about Allie. Because Allie picked three women to speak at his three-year anniversary. Now, that is very rare in Alcoholics Anonymous if you speak. I speak a lot. I think all three of us speak a lie. And unless I'm at a women's conference, this has never happened. I've been at many mainstream conferences that are all men. And I suppose that might be part of my attraction to Ali is he doesn't care. You know, it's about a message and neither do I, I don't, I don't care because when you get to this part and to the part that connects with God, it's genderless, you know, It's just this thing. And if you're not there yet, if you haven't had that, if you've had a taste of it, man, I hope you become so hungry that you seek and seek and seek, and you seek to love. And by seeking to love, this comes. By doing the bookends, the discipline, because we're on discipline, we let God discipline us. And then by just go love people and seek. Man, what a journey. Buckle up. Because today I'm 37 years sober every day in a row. And I've grown so much in the last five. So much. Spiritually, I've evolved, I've changed, I'm unlayered. And I really am looking forward to the same thing happening in the next five. So anyway, thank you so much for having me. I'm glad to be a listener now. Hi family. My name is Alice and I'm a grateful, grateful, grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to thank Cindy for a beautiful heart-cracking open share. There was so much that she said, so I'm going to read you my topic. Page 87, book of Alcoholics Anonymous. We ask especially for freedom from self-will and we are careful to make no request for ourselves only. I want to open with appreciation for the service that um ali and theresa have done for us for three years i want to acknowledge all of the souls that you've touched all of the space that youve held and created for people old or new to come into the center of really what this is about and i want to say that that this this reading this this topic that i picked is because no matter where i am in the book of alcoholics anonymous these days this is what i hear and so this is what i'm going to talk about because this is where i am um my sobriety date is may 21st 1987 and nobody's more shocked about that than me and um here's where i'm at spiritually right now i'm not god i'm not god the way that i now am moving through the text and through particularly this this this topic we especially ask for freedom from self-will you know what is self-well you know for me it's um the god of reason it's the thinking i know oh i know i know i know. I burned my life to the ground thinking I know. I'll burn my life to the ground today thinking I know. So there are a couple of things I want to make sure that I share so let me look down at my notes. You know, the 11th step itself, right? The step itself, the summary of the step. Let me be careful. Not the step, the summary of the step found on page 59 sought through prayer and meditation but sought that's the action here the seeking and for me the seeking to improve our conscious contact with God so it took me a long time to figure out like Cindy my recovery my spiritual life has been revolutionized really by the pandemic really by this being sequestered, being set down, being put on hold, right? This worldly clamor, this applause and money, just all this stuff, right. Cindy talked about this some, you know, Americans, I think that it's we've infected the world with this, this like consumerism this this like if only i had more i'd be okay right the wanting to treat my spiritual malady with stuff right i joke about the amazon boxes right the the stuff right the stuff the and it doesn't work you know when when the the reading of the the reading on the second appendices right that we did at the beginning of the meeting the powerful information that's in the answer to the question that was on everybody's mind, I'm sure, in the first printing of the first edition, which is what do you mean a spiritual experience? What do you means a spiritual awakening? And then they tell us quietly that it's about who. That first I have to be willing. If I'm not willing, it doesn't matter. I don't know about you guys but I'm in relationship with a number of people who are unwilling they believe that they're willing but I don'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE WILLING because when I believe that I know when I am relying on the God of reason I believe THAT I'M IN A STATE OF UNWILLINGNESS I BELIEVE THAT I'm IN SELF-WILL BUT THEN THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE APPENDICES TELLS ME that i have to be honest and i always thought that it was like honest with other people right like i'm not going to open myself my mouth and lie but i think that that misses the point right from my new friends right that when we read how it works it says that i'm constitutionally incapable of being honest with who myself that is myself i'm in self-will and i don't even know it and so thank god when i got here i um i had my first drink at four years old it was a can of shaper beer people that know me have heard this this is from my friend cindy that's never heard me before right i um you know there's a meeting across the street um on 96th street between broadway and amsterdam in the basement of a church they call it the small room it's a little teeny room. And there are meetings there all the time. And I took my first drink across the street from that at 208 West 96th Street. And little did I know, right, what I was destined for. And why did I take that drink? I can look back on it now, right? My friend Ralph taught me this, that life is lived forward but is understood backward. And in the pandemic, I had all this time to sort of examine myself and and to examine my actions and and to think differently about what is freedom what is joy and how do I get there right I'm a joy maker in the way that I make joy is by giving things to people that I long for if I long for connection I give connection if I long for understanding or give understanding so my mom um leaves me with a nanny and then um doesn't send money and the nanny takes me to her family her oldest sister and her grandmother and um comes and gets me when I'm four and my first memory I figured this out in the pandemic at like 32 years sober 31 years sober my first memory of being alone with my mother is my first memory of a drink. And the thing that Alcoholics Anonymous gives me, the thing you give me, the spiritual path gives me is this ceaseless examination of myself that's unsparing in this ceosless search for the power because I don't have any on my own. And I look back and I realized that what I was trying to do was fit in and belong. I was seeking her approval. I was seeking the thing that we all are seeking, right? Belonging and love. Acceptance. And so she's drinking a can of beer and I ask if I can have some and she says yes. She thinks it's cute so that I'm like, I'm on to something. And the doorbell rings and she leaves me alone with that can of bear. And I finish it. that's that's I think all of us would finish it I finish it and that was my first drink at eight years old I decided it was a good idea to drink scotch because I was in extraordinary pain extraordinary pain spiritually emotionally man my soul was on fire as a child hit my first major drunk at the tagger lounge on 7th avenue and 115th street So when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, at 26, I was whooped. But what I now know is that I was looking for something outside of myself to help me deal with the problem that was inside. This disconnection from you and from me and from God. And I fought things, right? that alcohol that the right outfit the right relationship the right job the right career the right and you know what I got a lot of those things and you know what i was miserable with those things that the solution isn't outside of me and so the the reading that i picked right that when i'm in prayer in meditation that when i'm seeking the conscious contact with the power i am always careful to be free and ask for freedom from self-will i want to talk about this this notion of conscious contact because for me it's so important it was such an important part of my recovery to to come to this. I've always had, this is what I've come to believe. And you can believe whatever you want to believe it's Alcoholics Anonymous. You can believe Whatever You Want to Believe. You know, I'm a little bit I need to say this, it's recorded. I hope you hear this. Like I really a little Bit have taken like, oh, to this, like my Lord Jesus Christ, because in a meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous, I want people to feel welcome. If they're new and they're a Wiccan or they're buddhists or they're hindu or i don't want anybody to feel any way about what we're pushing here we're pushing a spiritual path and you can believe in orisha odin i don'T i DON'T CARE IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS THAT YOU'RE INVITED INTO A CONCEPTION YOU'RE ENVITed INTO THAT and so in the 11th step i i am i'm making this deal because i've been pulled back from the gates of hell that i'm gonna i'm going to seek this conscious contact and that it's conscious contact finally occurred to me that i have unconscious contact with the power and here's how i've come to think of that that i believe that the breath in the body which evidences that the soul is in the body is unconscious contact with the power that I always have God is always whatever you believe God is is always present is always here I really appreciate Samantha when we opened the meeting she said God's already here we're not inviting God in God's ready to hear but let's say the prayer that's right you know sometimes people say about an earlier step that is connected three that you know what i have to do is get out of the driver's seat which i think is hysterical like i say to people like what i was always in a european car thinking i was driving i was never the steering wheel was never on my side right here i am with like a paper plate like i've never been running anything i think i am in self-will and when i look back on my life i realize that that not being present with the power that is present with me has allowed me to believe that i am the power that i'm the power and nothing's created more heartbreak and misery in my life in the lives of the people that I love than thinking that I'm in power you know one of the things right Cindy got to go before me and so I get to like talk about what Cindy said right Cindy said something that I really want to lift up for people she said I'm now able to take care of the people who couldn't take care of me. I really understand that. You know, my mother, you know, I used to tell the sad story about how my mother abandoned me. Victims don't recover. Victimes don't recover. There's no reason for me to construct some sad story about my sad life. Nothing happened to me. Everything happened for me. Those people, my people who couldn't take care of me, put me in a place that God guided my life and protected me and watched over me. And those experiences made me strong and resilient and resourceful and indomitable. You can't knock me over with a Mack truck. I mean, I might stumble every now, right? Let me tell you what that looks like in real life you know I have this notion right because the pinky the book calls them our little plans and designs right I have This notion that I've moved a lot by the time I was 10 I'd live nine places um and then I count in between counted in between 2008 and you know now I move like 10 times this is ridiculous but I think it's a result of moving a lot as a kid that I like I start itching and then I move. And so I have this notion, my little plan and design, right? Because it's really only through the seeking of the power in the trying to move out of self-will. And the difficult part is what is my responsibility and what is self-willing? Where's that line? Where's That Line? Where'S That LINE? Where' s That Line? Where''s That Lines? And so often I'm seeking where the line is. And when do I do it? In the book ending and in the middle, in the pause, God's in the pulse. The miracle of my life today is that occasionally I can keep my mouth shut. Occasionally I can't keep my mouse shut. It's actually the only thing i'm running and i actually need to be careful about how i do that and so when i'm in this seeking for a consciousness of a contact that i have always had when i am in the practice of seeking a consciousness for a connection that i have always had the connection to the power i believe that that as the appendices two talks about that god consciousness that intuitive thought comes to me that that has i moved me out of the way but here i am right so i decide let's see what god has that i want to buy a house right I'm at that age I'm 62 now and let me just tell you this if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous I got here at 26 and I was too young and I Was Too Skinny I've Been Here A Long Time I'm Too Old And I'm To Fat Just Stick Around Stick Around Stay Around Stay Around Just Stick Round Because Things Change Right If You're Lucky And I Guess I Want To Say This I WantTo Talk About Where I Am But I Want to say this, that it's in the seeking that I change. It's in the seeking, that the truth about me evolves. In the seeking, I don't get information about you because information about you doesn't grow me spiritually. So I want to give you a couple of examples. I have a timer going so I know where I'm at. Um, I'm gonna get these two examples. And so here's where i'm at i've decided that i want to move and i want to buy hey i can want anything let's see what god has i want a house with an in-ground pool i want okay a one-story brick ranch where the pool runs parallel hey i could want stuff and um let's be specific let's see what the universe will give me and so in order to do that i decided i wanted to sell the place i was living and so i sold the place that i was living but when i sold the place i was living that made me not have a place to live and so i moved to i'm moving to durham and with my my um my friend and fellow my trudging buddy in the the program kendra and uh i say to kendra hey i'm thinking about taking this offer but i don't have no place to go i don' t know what i'm gonna do it doesn't occur to me what kendra's gonna say like I'm not intentional about it Kendra's like come to Durham and I was like well okay and so I'm in the midst of moving I'm right now sitting in a completely empty house my house in Jersey is half packed there's no furniture here this laptop is on some beer uh paint cans two five gallon buckets like that's how I'm living right now I've been painting all day there's paint my hair it's a mess how does that what does that have to do with we especially ask for freedom from self-will and we're careful to make no requests right for ourselves only i don't pray to god for god to give me the things i want i may have a thought about what i want i do the legwork but what i am not in is the outcome business and when things get presented to me, I go with them. Because God's will is always in front of me if I am in a state of seeking conscious contact. God's Will is in front of me. So here are two examples. I come down to Durham a month ago. I bring a friend that I met in the fellowship about 20 years ago. We come down here to do some painting and some work on the house. And he gets sick, goes into the hospital. I take him to emergency and he gets admitted and has his gallbladder removed. I spent three days. He's just my friend sleeping in the chair next to him in the hospital, if you're my friend and we go someplace that you get sick, I'm going to sleep in the Chair next to you in the hospital. That's what I'm going to do. That is what y'all have taught me. So I don't get to get any of my work done because I'm in the hospital, sleeping, taking care of the dude who came down to help me. He doesn't do any work. I don' t do any work. Then we get home and he asks me for more money. I felt a way about that. I did. Everybody I told was like, oh, my God. Then I called my friend Sidney. and sydney said baby the hand of god is in your life and you have all this power and all these blessings and all of these things that god has given you that how can you first of all lack the gratitude to see that but second of all how can you be judgmental and mad at one of God's children. That's not your role anymore. Thank you. And I'm giving you that example because it's the example of what happens when you have conscious contact with the power, when you have a network of people who have conscious contact with power, that you're able to see the world differently. So I live in the material world just like you do. When it rains, I get wet. When I'm hungry, I need to eat, right? One and one is two, right is right, wrong is wrong. But as a result of conscious contact with the power, I have the opportunity to stretch myself and grow. The discomfort that I feel is a blessing. The collision that I have with other souls are opportunities for me to grow. and that's what i'm doing i'm growing i'm seeking and so yes i can stay in the material world and one and one is two and how dare you ask me for more money or i can stretch and live in the spiritual and see what god wants me to see which is if i have something and somebody's in need and I can, I do. And that the things that I had on my Excel spreadsheet, my to-do list, my friend Brenda J laughs at me because I always have a to-go list, that God will take care of those things. God will make a way. I don't have to, the plan that I have doesn't have to be the way that things happen. So it's not that when I ask, especially in my prayer for freedom from self-will that i don't have self-willed it's that it gives me a consciousness to be ever vigilant watching for it and then it says be careful never to request only for ourselves i just i want to leave you guys with this when i got to alcoholics anonymous in oakland california where I got sober, a bunch of old timers who were doing hospital and institution work took me under their wings. And they told me that people who did H&I work, hospital and institutional work never relapsed. I don't know if that's true. If you go on to meet an Alcoholics Anonymous in Oakland, California, they're still saying that. And I never relapse my dates May 21st, 1987, a small only date. And I believe that really what they were telling me is that the seeking of the power can be found in a practice through service, that I can seek conscious contact with the power through serving you, through taking meetings into hospitals and institutions, through answering the phone when I don't want to. Cindy thinks that I was being gracious. I wasn't being gracious, I would like not to ever speak again, that's what I would like. That would be lovely, right? I don't want to, but I do the things that are required of me. I do The Things That Are Asked Of Me. I can never say no to Ali. In my last couple minutes, I have a minute and a half, I want to say that the personality change that comes to me as a result of this practice allows me to hear you when you tell me i ought to reconsider my thinking the personality change that is available to me that is the basis of my recovery right the girl that got to alcoholics anonymous is going to get drunk every time allows me to be in relationships with people in a completely different way and so i want to end by saying how much I love Ali, how special a soul he is, how he vibrates this power off of him that I long for. The places that I get ouched if I call him, the things that he says cracks me open. And so thank you for this space. Thank you for THIS opportunity. Thank you FOR BEING MY FRIEND. Oh, I'm gonna start my timer. Good evening, everybody. My name is Teresa. I'm an alcoholic. Grateful to be here. Grateful of being sober because of a loving God. My heart is racing. I feel the pressure. I'm always nervous and uncomfortable. And I just feel so more now. As I was listening, I was like, what's all the nervousness? Well, it's also because I don't know if you call it ego or pride, but I prefer to share with you after I've gotten to the other side as opposed to when I'm in it. So I'm not sure what will come out. Thank you, Cindy. and Alice. I got to meet Alice here on this platform on Zoom, and Cindy, I've had the honor of being with her at many other conferences and other places, and recently reaching out and talking to her on the phone, and thank all of you for coming. Everybody has been of service. I'm just so grateful to this meeting. I'm filled with gratitude and appreciation. i was listening i feel like the mouths of babes you know saying like i'm the baby in the group um thank ali so much i just want to acknowledge that right we all thank one another but thank ali for all the effort and energy he puts forth and making phone calls i don't always meet up to the things i tell him i'm gonna do i'm like yeah i'm going to call all these people then you call these people like have you called them nope sure haven't they'd be like can i call them yeah and so mostly i know getting he ends up being the speaker getter and all the effort that he puts forth i'm just grateful that he goes into prayer meditation and comes out and we talk about it and the synergy is just beautiful and i will say i thank ali for being my friend he's been trying to get me to be that's another story uh he's like i'm gonna be your friend whether you like it or not um and I've grown to love him and him be a friend so thank you Ali my friend I'm sure he appreciates me saying that in public um oh goodness gracious so great balls of fire so much has been shared and I was hearing with my heart I was sharing in my spirit processing some stuff in my head. Key words, I told Ali, if I had a topic, it would just be the 11th step, right? Saw through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him. Praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out because that step within itself just impacts, you know what I mean? It's impacted with so much. and key words as I was listening to Cindy and all this kept sticking out for me were seeking sought through prayer meditation and it tells me where to do the seeking and it's in prayer and meditation but in order for me to get there I got a clean house You see, what blocks me from seeking is my resentments, my fears, my sexual intimate conduct, my self-will ideas. There's no reason for me to seek out a power greater than me if I don't believe it's necessary. or I don't see where I'm failing or if I don' t see why what I've been doing is not working. But when I do 1 through 10, I've gathered so much evidence that shows that life run by me is not working. My sobriety date is March 29, 1990. I got a birthday coming up, but for today I got 32 years. 33 ain't here yet. Anything can happen tomorrow. And I've spent these years uncovering, discovering, and the willingness to discard everything and anything that blocks me. My sponsor used to tell me from my authentic self so that when I'm in my authentic self and in alignment and in union with this power that I've come to understand, I'm then able to be purposeful and useful. But the dilemma in all these years for me have been this. What do I understand God to be? What are the prejudices, the self-righteous judgments, my arrogance of what I think God is or what I believe you're wrong about God, what I don't agree with has been the journey. Let me start backwards. Today, I have question marks. And I remember my dad telling me this, my brother telling me that sometimes the best place to be is when I don't know. The question marks put me in a position to begin to ask questions. In the morning and the night, they're asking questions. It's interesting that in step 11, when they tell me to do these certain things in the morning and at night to build a conscious contact with God, it doesn't say tell God. it's asking, it's kind of where have I been selfish? What could I have done differently? What do I have planned for the day? It's these questions that I begin to ask. And then now I need to tune in the radio so that it tells me how is God going to work in my life? What does this conscious contact look like? Well, I'm going to hear an intuitive thought or inspiration. And it usually comes from within, not necessarily from without because without when I hear all the noise from outside, it's calamity. It's sometimes when I'm from within and this happened to me, it happens to me often, but just today in my prayer meditation, I'm asking these questions, asking these questions. And I get a name that comes to me. It was like, Sean, call Sean, call Sean, call Sean. And I call and be like, I don't know why I'm calling my prayer meditation. Your name comes up that happened to me not too long ago with Cindy. You know what I'm saying? Cindy Cindy. Am I the, why am I calling? I don'T even know what I'M going to ask her. I'M not even quite sure what my dilemma is then. And because I was like stuck on that or Ali, Paul Ali, I'm telling him just give an example of what happens to me. call Ali so I call Ali and I'm like okay I keep getting Cindy I'm not what they said now call you and then he goes I believe it's because she is this this this and that so this whole quest of 11 is constantly cleaning house the you know I've it's interesting I'm listening and before I came Alcoholics Anonymous, with all the abuse that I grew up with, the one place that I found peace, sanctuary, wholeness, love, appreciation, respect, connection, was the world of spirit. I've shared this before It was the world outside of the world of spirit that I struggled with My happy place was always sitting in front of a glass of water and a candle And I would focus and I would ask and I would step into the bridge behind the veil of this other world. And in that world, there was no pain, no suffering, no injustice, no harm, and I was just this vehicle. And then I would come to this world and people were mean I was abandoned abused I was told I was nothing I was nobody I wasn't important I was insignificant I was a monster I was mean I needed to obey I need I was never going to be enough. Even with God, I wouldn't measure up. I'm a sinner. I're unfair. And it's for some reason my ears would only hear that in this world and in this other world that would hear love, appreciation, a gift. And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and my journey here is, what was interesting is that when I stepped into the rooms of AlcoholicsAnonymous after alcohol betrayed me and abandoned me. Because the higher power that I served in the drama of life, and Bill uses that term in the Drama of Life, the higher Power that I relied upon, and I gave everything to was alcohol, because it assisted me to live in this dimension, in the physical world, because I didn't know how to tolerate it. I didn't know how to navigate through it. I didn' t know how to live in it because it was scary. And alcohol said, you don' t have to worry about this world. I will safeguard you from it by numbing you completely. And when that no longer worked, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and you guys said you found another higher power. And that the higher power you found didn't rob you of your dignity, of your integrity, of your self-respect. It didn't demoralize you. It didn'T rape you. That this power was a loving power. And it sounded to me the power most of you described, and no one apologized for their relationship with God. It sounded to me about the power that I was experiencing when I would sit at a table with a glass of water and a can. And that I no longer needed alcohol in that realm, that not only lived in the realm of spirit, but it can actually coexist in the physical world. That's actually what I heard in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and to all those who came before me. And in order to have that synergy, that alignment, there was some work that I needed to do. And it was the 12 steps and it was my map. It was the guide. It was the GPS. But it wasn't going to be as easy as my other higher power alcohol. Because all I had to do with alcohol and drugs was just take a pill, you know, smoke something, you know what I'm saying? Drink something and disappear. This one, I was going to be uncomfortable. I was gonna have to look at some things. I was going to chew chunks of information. I was going to have to be willing to let go. I was going to be stretched beyond places I probably didn't want to, but all it required was a mustard seed of willingness. And what was the exchange? To live this alcoholic life of misery and depression where it no longer worked or I was now going to take this spiritual path. And I said, let's take this spiritual path. I don't have to have all the answers. I don' t know. It's been freeing for me building this conscious contact with God. And consciousness means being awake and aware. Not asleep. Accountable. Aware. One of the greatest gifts I believe I received there is the gift of awareness. I hear a lot of people say the greatest gift I received was sobriety or the greatest gift I receive is a God in my life. For me, it's awareness because I'm aware when I'm connected. I'm unaware when I're not to become aware that I have an illness. I didn't know I had one. Awareness to me is just the greatest give. I can accept the grace because I'm aware that it's but for the grace of God. I'mware that I have defects of character. That awareness takes me places. It calipotes me with this willingness to seek out, to let go, to being aware. My understanding of God changes, but I become aware of it. I have questions. I start letting go of old ideas. They no longer work. And then I begin looking, I begin coming into the rooms. That's why I love this meeting and I listen. It says even in step two came to believe. I started listening to other people. I listen to the God of your understanding. I listen to how you communicate and what you do and I start thinking oh that sounds exciting let me try that if it feels right let me do that and then I have my experience I love the rooms because we have agnostics we have atheists, we have priests, we have nuns. Like I love how eclectic it is right with the range of believers in the rooms. And it's just one alcoholic talking to another. I'm a priest but I learned from the homeless person who just walked in with the cart you know about their relationship with God. I just love that's what I love about AA It's just the vast sea of dynamics of how one relates to this idea of a power. And then I look at where am I in that? Where is God in that for me? Recently, I shared as another higher power that I struggle with and didn't quite understand and didn't know quite what to do with or what is my relationship with it. I think it's a higher power we don't speak about much and that's the higher power of money. 98% of my decisions are based on that. And I say my total reliance is upon this idea of God, is it? So why is it I get worried when I don't have sufficient enough income or money in order to do the things that I need to do? what am I serving then? Those are the questions I have to ask myself sometimes. Is that a higher power? We have wars behind that. What higher power am I seeking? What higher power am i asking to remove the things from me that block me so I can be useful? And I think for me, most of the journey has been that. What is the understanding? Do I trust that? Can you remove that? Can I trust the next indicated action that it came from you and not from me? I was talking to Sean about that. I need a new board of directors. I had to fire all of my board of directories. I'm no longer the CEO of Teresa Incorporated, and I had them fire all my board of directors because I, I sat in every seat and now I need new ones. And I look for spiritual giants or people who are connected. And, and I, I look for advisors. I kind of, I always think about a business. It's like, if I'm going to run a company, the smartest people, have you ever read the seven smartest people successful people is They get people who are smarter than them. And they turn their advisors, you know what I mean? Like even from the greatest kings, they had their spiritual advisor, you know What do the stars say? You know how to run this country. And I begin to look for that tribe. That if I think I talked to a burning bush, I go to you and I go, was that a burning Bush? a lot of times my disappointment is that i've i'm obedient what do i struggle sometimes with my conscious contact with god i'm obedient and i don't like the results sometimes so i get disappointed then we we talked about that earlier jesus himself was in the garden you know i mean and was like, why have you forsaken me? All of our great spiritual leaders were in periods of their lives where they were like, where are you God? Mother Teresa, she had depression. She thought God abandoned her but she continued to feed the hungry and the kids in Calcutta and this has been my journey that despite sometimes I don't understand God's intentions or the end result Like Alice was saying, I want to move. I want To get a house. But then now I'm over here doing this. That wasn't the plan. But later on, I discovered what it was really all about. And sometimes I'm disappointed. It's in the seeking. But the 11-step prayer says it's in self-forgetting. that I find eternal life in self-dying. It's like I, Teresa, has to die. The ego self, you want to call it ego, the self-centered self, the self absorbed self has to die for me to live eternally at peace that's the place i'm in today self-forgetting what are just dying parts of me are dying right now i didn't even realize when mommy died what it was gonna bring up for me y'all i'm like whoa i didn'T even know i had some thank you i DIDN'T even KNOW i had dependencies this has been the process for me all these years oh oh that's why i say awareness oh wow I really depended on that okay oh my bad uh wow I was relying on me that's everything for me has been like that I'm like oh wow okay what oh I thought I had arrived at an understanding no I don't have that understanding it's changed I still struggle with the outside world to be at peace God I've been praying God please let me be at peace. I don't do well. I don't play well with others. I don't want to play world in this physical life, in this physical realm. I struggle. I wish I could just join a convent and give up all worldly possessions. Most people have found the greatest spiritual peace if we look at any mystics or they give up all worldly possessions and they go into convicts and convents and they go into all the Himalayas and it's when believe it or not when COVID happened I was relieved because I live my life every day in prayer all day my dad was like that like something happens when you're only in commune with God some heavy it's like you had an acid trip some heavy stuff be going on I'll be calling people being okay so check this out so the universe right okay what came to me um and so but i live in a world today that they're merging together like how do i live and this thing called life without joining the convent but maintaining this spiritual axiom right of total peace and when i had called cindy right she was saying i always believe like if i have a house like it make give me a convent that i don't have to worry about you know paying for it then I'll finally be at this place where I could just live as a servant of God and she was like that's not true either because they can always take that home from you or they could you know what I mean it was like all these false dependencies to me is the process of seeking but I have to see them first and today I'm just no longer in judgment about all of it and I have people that I can go to and give spiritual license, as Ali says, that I am able to share with them. That I can be vulnerable and they can share their experience and they could hear me and I can take that inward and under advisement, listen, and then move forward. It takes work Practice Willingness It's not an overnight matter If you're new It's one day at a time Real quick The big book doesn't tell me I'm a bad girl It doesn't Tell me I shouldn't have fears I shouldn'T have resentments It doesn't say you're supposed to love everybody and be nice to everybody. It doesn'T say that. I've always heard it say, Teresa, it's understandable to be resentful. It's understandable not to be afraid. That'S not the issue. The issue is how you're going about solving it. Let's try something different. and so i can see you see trying something different infinite other than fight self because the evidence tells me that you're fine and i'm finite but we all infinite and i gotta real quick so many people have left me abandoned me betrayed me I have left people abandoned them betrayed them harmed them things have been taken from me given to me but the one thing that can't be taken away from me is my sobriety and step 11 helps to preserve that to cultivate it, to nourish it to water it to keep it so that I can do what? What is it really all about? So I can help God's children Not even me St. Bernadette said the well is not for me I'm growing y'all I'm maturing and I could see God is molding man my spiritual muscles are being stretched and I am building a much deeper conscious contact with God and whoa parts of me is dying but I'm excited I'm so excited you want to see what's going to emerge I'm so excited to see where god's gonna take me what god's going to do with me i'm so excited but right now it's like you know i mean i don't even have a scab to pick on so i love you guys for being here i thank you um i had several quick i'm grateful zoom happened not so much uh zoom but the covid because it just stopped the world for a minute. For me, when COVID happened, as sad as it was, I was just grateful that everybody just stopped and slowed down for a second because everybody was going way too fast for me. That was not the rhythm I was operating on. And I just felt relief that everybody got a stoplight and it allowed me to be in the place that I'm most comfortable in. So I felt like everybody joined my norm. so i'm excited we got q a we have time i think coming up ali you know i love you and everybody for being here i'm sure you're gonna miss the most best share i can ever give you on this step that's after we finish you're all gonna miss out on that one because i'll be like man i could have talked about this but thank you for allowing me to share