The Spiritual Axiom of First Things First — Randy

7 and 12. So I'm Randy, I'm an alcoholic. I'm really grateful to be here again today. It's fantastic. And to be able to share this weekend with you men has been just amazing. And, you know, last night we did 8 and 9, and one of the best things that I ever heard in AA were the promises of Step 9. So I wanted to start off before we get into 10 and just read the promises, because they're so beautiful and they're stuff that I always wanted, but I never had in my life before AA. So it says, If I'm faith and staking about this phase of my development, I will be amazed before I'm halfway through. I'm going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I will comprehend the word serenity, and I will know peace. No matter how far down the scale I have gone, I will see how my experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in my fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. My whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave me. I will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me. I will suddenly realize that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. That's pretty much the lottery. That's everything I would want. If I won the lottery, I would want those things. But I think that the money is the thing that would get me there. And I had a great conversation this morning about money, which reminded me. It reminded me of Elvis Presley. You know, Elvis Presley was the king. Nobody had more than him. The looks, the moves, the fame in every genre all over the world. Before there was social media. And he died. He died alone. And on drugs. On a toilet. Lonely. So, one thing is for sure, I'm not Elvis Presley. I'm never going to have the stuff that he had. So, my only hope is to have this thing that I'm working for in these 12 steps, which is to have a spiritual awakening to where I can have these promises in my life. No matter. How much I have on the outside. It's an inside program. And if I get this on the inside, there's a chance. There's more than a chance that I can have this. It's promised. If I do this as a way of life, it's promised I'm going to have it. And I know men that had it. Or that have it. And so I know it's true. And I know it's possible. And that's what motivates me to go for more. So, this brings us to step 10. Excuse me. My voice wasn't ready for the weekend. Yeah. But here we go. Continue to take personal inventory. And when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. Now AA is starting to become a way of life. I'm not drinking. I know I have more problems other than alcohol. I've done my steps up through step 9. The promises are coming true. So many times in my life. I've intuitively known how to handle situations that used to baffle me now. That that is baffling to me. And realizing that God is doing for me now. What I cannot do for myself. Is an amazing grounding force. And I have a way of life. That I'm living. And it's a whole way of life. Steps 1 through 9 were a way of life. To get me out of the way. Between me and my higher power. And you out of the way. Between me and my higher power. And now. I'm going to continue to grow. Spiritually. As a way of life. As a way of life. As a way of life. As a way of life. As a way of life. As a way of life. As a way of life. To continue to go deeper into this relationship with this power. And step 10. If I've done the work. I've cleared out. The past. Which allows me to live in the now. Because my mind isn't preoccupied. With the people that I've done harm to. Or the people that I resent. And my mind can be free in the now. Another thing that happens. In living this way of life. Is there's a principle. Of first things first. Which means I've got to do the things. That are first in my life. Right now. In order to keep my mind clear. You know. If I don't pay my bills on time. Then my bills. Then my bills. Preoccupy my life. And my mind keeps getting. Dragged out of the moment to. Oh I should have paid that bill. I have the money and the bank. I just don't like paying it. I don't like to spend it. So I don't like to spend it. I don't write the check. When I should write the check. For no reason whatsoever. For alcoholism. Because I don't want to. And then. That bothers me. In the day that I'm in. I'm constantly thinking. Oh damn. I should have wrote that check. Why didn't I write that check. I'll write that check. And I think about it all day long. Until I'm home in front of my checkbook. And then the thought never crosses my mind. Because self does not want to write that check. So it says. Oh look over there. Look there's something shiny. And I don't write the check. And then I go out in the next day. And the next day. All day long. It eats away at me. Why didn't I write that damn check. I'm going to get an over. I'm going to get a late fee. I got to send that in. And then when I'm in front of my checkbook. It's gone again. For me. A lot of times I get up in the morning. And I write my list of everything that needs to be done. For that day. And I ask the power to help me write the list. And then I ask the power. What should I do. What should I do. And I wait for some intuitive guidance. And sometimes I don't hear anything. Right away. So I'll do what my sponsor taught me to do. He said. Pick one. He said pick one. And tell God. That you feel intuitively guided to do this one. But you're willing to do any other one. If he lets me know. So I do that. I pick something. You know the list. The crazy thing about. All this. Is that usually. With first things first. There's usually like three to five things. That need to be done. But they go around so fast in my mind. That I always tell myself. I have a hundred things to do. I'm too. I'm so busy. My life is so complicated. I got a hundred things to do. And I sit down to write it. And it's five things. And I can do my first things first. Before breakfast. And I have a clear mind. But the disease doesn't want me to see that. So it takes a minute. Jumbles them around. And it tells me. You got to do this. Then you got to do. That. Oh it's too much for you. Just go watch TV. Sit down. Do something else. Go get a tea. But that first thing first. Is so simple. When I put it on paper. In black and white. Just like a four step. And I can see what it is. It becomes a non-event. I get it done before breakfast. And then I have a clear open mind. When I have an open mind. I can continue to take personal inventory. As I'm moving through my day. Because my mind isn't preoccupied. With the hundred things. That I didn't do. That I think I need to do. That are so important. That I can't even pay attention. To what you're saying. Because I got to keep those hundred things. Up in the air. In my mind. So you're talking to me. And I'm smiling and nodding. Like I'm listening. Now. I don't hear a word you say. All I can think about is. Man I got to pay that bill. I got to go to the bank. Got to go here. Got to go. I need dog food. So. I continue to take personal inventory. And set right any mistakes as I go along. I think step ten is a right now step. It's always a right now step. I continue as a way of life. To take personal inventory. How am I doing God? How am I doing right now? Am I really listening? Am I really paying attention? Am I really having a relationship? And. Then my mind slows down. And I'm in the moment. And I can start to have good relationships with people. Where I hear what they say. And I remember their stories. And I don't need to fill in. I don't need to. I don't need to come up with the extra word. Oh. Man. I was. You had to get your story done. Fast. So I could start mine. So if you stop to think about a word. I just throw a word in there. I wouldn't wait for you to finish. I'm going to go. To the store. I don't know what. Come on. Say it. Please. Hurry up. I need to talk. That's the way my mind works. I vigorously commenced this way of living. As I cleaned up the past. I have entered a world of the spirit. My next function. Is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Right now. As a way of life. It's not. You know. I could just read it out of the book. I don't have to make anything up. The step 10. In this book. Is just so fantastic. It's not an overnight matter. This is a. It should. It should continue for my lifetime. The only time something can continue. Is right now. It has to be continued right now. Not put off for later to be continued. Continue to watch for selfishness. Dishonesty. Resentment and fear. When these crop up. I ask God at once to remove them. I discuss them with someone immediately. And make amends quickly. If I have harmed anyone. Then I resolutely turn my thoughts. To someone I can help. Love and tolerance of others is my code. That is. This is a foreign language. To me as an alcoholic with alcoholism. Before I've done steps one through nine. Resolutely turning my thoughts to someone I can help. Love and tolerance is my code. That's just so far from the character that I brought here. The character that I brought here is. Get everything you need for self. Right now. And then. Someday. You could be love and tolerance. If you have enough. If your heaps. Are big enough. Then you can practice love and tolerance. And I cease fighting anyone and anything. Even alcohol. By step 10. That alcohol thing is done. I recoil from it like a hot flame. I would no sooner drink alcohol. That I would. Put a bullet in my head. Today. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. I am a man. Chorale al Soviet. Where did. Moral is ending. C de Paul. Chorale al Soviet. What's the definition? The creation right now. You're in disharmonies laughing at your wife's. That's right. I'm food, water, and schedule. Own Michaela to drink. Aha. Brother Katrina. I'm a boy again when I'm gone. My brother knows they'll give me a ghost winch. immediately. It's so easy to say I was here all weekend. I'll go to a meeting next week. I'm all filled up with spirituality. I'll go. I can miss Monday. We'll skip Thursday and Saturday. I'll go next Monday and rest on because I got it now. I'm good. I'm good. But this isn't for me. This program isn't for me. This program is so that I can resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help. And love and tolerance is my code. The selfish, self-centered part of me wants these promises so that I can have it for my life. But really, the promises come into my life so that I can share it with you. You know, the most amazing times in my life are when I sit down and have a conversation with another alcoholic and the two of us together get present to this moment right now with no reference. And we're just right here right now. If I rest on my laurels, I leave the now. The first thing that happens is I have a thought about the future or a thought about the past. And it could be a good thought. It could be a nice fantasy, a bad fantasy. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I left the now. And now I'm creeping into the future. And I'm losing the life that I have right now. And I'm throwing it away. And I'm resting on my laurels. And I'm headed for trouble if I do. I'm not going to go home with a good thought. I'm going to do something really nice for her. Outside the door is a subtle foe. I can have good thoughts about how I'm going to treat my wife when I get home from this retreat. That's a good thought. I'm going to do something really nice for her. Except for that as I leave, I forget that I have to be loving and tolerant on my way home. And then I get restless, irritable, and discontented because someone's not driving right. Either the guy who's driving my car or someone who's driving another car. And then I'm restless, irritable, and discontented. And I'm driving my car. And then I'm going to do something really nice for her. And I'm going to do something really nice for her. And I'm going to do something really nice for her. And then I'm низing again. And then I get restless, irritable, and discontented because someone's not driving right. Either the guy who's driving my wife. I'm home. I got things to do. It's nice to see you. That's it. God. I'm not cured of alcoholism. What I really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition right now. Every day is a day which I must carry the vision of God's will into all of my activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. These are the thoughts which must go with me constantly. Constantly is right now. When else could I constantly do something? Step 10 is the beginning of right now. And the reason I can be here right now is because I've cleaned up. I've done the work of cleaning out the past, building a relationship, having some experiences with this power. Now I'm going to go deeper and I'm going to do it constantly. How can I do it? How can I do it? How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. I know what serving me does. I'm going to be back in 8 and 9, making amends. I was told that I can do anything I want in this program. Anything I want. Anything. As long as I'm willing to pay the price. Before I do steps 8 and 9, I think I know what the price is. But I don't know what the price is until I've paid the price for the harms that I've done. Until I've made amends. Until I've looked someone in the eye and told them the truth about who I am and what I just did for them. And I've made restitution and I've made it right. I don't want to have to do that again. I don't ever want to have to go back and do that again. I had an experience when I came into the program. I was with a woman and I was engaged to her. And I have been very unfaithful to her. And I've been very unfaithful to her. And the last time I drank, we were living together and I was in England and I had an affair with a woman that I had been having an affair with all summer while she was out of town. And I came back from that trip and she was sitting on her bed weeping. And she says to me, oh, Randy, I just came back from the gym and some girl told me that you'd been with her girlfriend all summer. And I said what I always say. It wasn't me. I said it wasn't me. And I talked my way out of it. And I smoothed everything over and I put it all to rest. And I buried that skeleton and she was okay with me and I was okay with her. And it was, I went to bed that night and I got up the next morning and I told my sponsor and I was so proud of myself. I said, man, she found some stuff out, but it's good. It's all good. I smoothed it over. I worked it all out with her. I covered it all up. She's never going to know anything. And, uh, and he looked at me like I was crazy. Like, you know how a dog looks at you when they're like, what? And he said, Randy, here's an opportunity for you to be honest. You know, you're engaged to this woman. She should know who you are and she should be able to make a decision if she wants to stay with you or not. And that, you know, I thought I'm going to drink. I was only, I was pretty nervous. I was completely back to being sober. You know, I'd had 30 days, 30 days, 30 days, but now I got like 15 days. And, uh, I didn't think I was ready for it, but I, he said, you ask her a higher power and you go in there and you tell her the truth. And he said it was an opportunity. He didn't tell me to do it. He said, it's an opportunity for you to tell the truth. And I went in and I told her the truth. And man, she broke every piece of glass in that apartment. She broke. So you had to wear shoes for six months, but I paid that price and she knew who I was. I told her I was a scumbag. I told her who I'd been and we stayed together for about another six months and then we decided to go our separate ways. But I never lost that. I am never willing to pay that price again to tear somebody's life up like that. And I haven't been promiscuous or cheated on a woman that I've been with since that day. And it's not by my power, it's by my fear of having to go and do that again. I never, ever, ever want to pay that price again. You know, and I tried to make a living amends to her while we were still together and she stayed with me because I was trying to be the new character with her. But that was an amazing experience. And I'm not just saying, experience for me and it's helped me many times to avoid bad situations you know I'm not the kind of guy that could live with myself if I went out and cheated on my wife and came back in and tried to sit in my house and be comfortable with myself I know that that would eat a hole in me that I would have to fill with alcohol I know it and and I know that about other things that I've done in the past if I was to do it again now that I've paid the price I know what the price is to go in and tell somebody that who I am and how I've acted and I never want to do that again so once that's done I know I know the price now and I get to continue to watch so I watch when I have a bad thought it's a thought now and the thought of that goes whoa that's the thought that thought will kill me that one thought that one bad thought will kill me and I immediately immediately admitted to my higher power and to myself and it says that in the 12 and 12 maybe I'll find it later so how can I best serve thee that I will not mind be done as a way of life right now step 10 it says in the other one of the other turning points in my sobriety a major turning point was when my sponsor said that it's a spiritual axiom that whenever I'm disturbed whenever I'm disturbed no matter what I do I'm going to be a spiritual axiom and I'm going to be a spiritual axiom and I'm going to be a spiritual axiom there's something wrong with me that pretty much ruined my thought life and he said it he said he said this is going to take all the magic out of your anger and your resentments and your terrible mind no matter what the cause there's something wrong with me how deep is that I always thought whenever I'm disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong with you you not me you're the reason I'm angry if somebody hurts me and I'm sore I am in the wrong also also but are there no exceptions to this rule what about justifiable anger if somebody cheats me aren't I entitled to be mad can't I be properly angry with self-righteous folks for me these people are not these people are not these are dangerous exceptions I have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it I only know one kind of anger it's justified anger I have never ever in my life got mad at you by accident or for no reason whatsoever it was always justified what is unjustified anger what the hell is that it's that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard how could I get angry at you for no reason unjustifiably you obviously did something wrong and you need to be angered at few people have been more victimized by resentments than me it mattered little whether my resentments were justified or not I still don't know what an unjustified anger is I still don't know what an unjustified anger is I still don't know what an unjustified anger is this is a burst of temper could spoil a day a well-nourished grudge could make me miserably inefficient never was I skilled in separating justified from unjustified anger as I saw it my wrath was always justified anger that occasional luxury of more balanced people could keep me on an emotional jag indefinitely these emotional dry benders often led straight to the bottom other kinds of disturbances jealousy envy self-pity or her pride did the same thing so as I go through my day you know when I once once you have of the promises once you taste the promises and you have that serenity and you know a new freedom and a new happiness I'm very uh... sensitive to changes in that and I feel it in my gut when I'm wrong but I think you're wrong when I find fault and I find and follow as a way to life and I can immediately tackle gotten to the power and immediately might be five minutes might be ten minutes or it is not a woman cannot immediately do that it immediately when I become aware of this i take it to their power and building a new way alive four talks about restraint I need to demonstrate do not have to ski so do me a great little while and it's not me all try It talks about restraint. I need restraint, honest analysis of what's involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is mine, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is not mine. Finally, I begin to see that all people, including myself, are to some extent emotionally ill, as well as frequently wrong. And then I approach true tolerance and see what real love of my fellows actually means. It becomes more and more evident as I go forward that it is pointless to become angry or to get hurt by people who, like me, are suffering from the pains of growing up. You know, I just opened the book. I was in my room for a minute, and I just opened the book up to step 10, and I read that. And I don't remember ever reading that paragraph before, and I know I've read it a few hundred times. It becomes... more and more evident as I go forward that it is pointless to become angry. Ever. It's pointless. I never heard that. I don't think I ever heard that from the literature in AA. It's pointless for me to become angry. Ever. Man. I wish I had heard that like 10 years ago. I could have said, I saved myself a lot of anger. But it's pointless. Or to be hurt by people who, like me, are suffering from the pains of growing up. The hardest thing for me to get over the years was that, you know, you have a life. You have a life. You have things going on in your life. You have things that are important to you. That are just as important to you as the things that are going on in me that are important to me. And sometimes, you do things. You do things that are important to you. Based on the fact that you have an important life. And you need to get something done. And I don't see that you have an important life. I don't think your life is... I don't consider your life. The only thing that your life has to do with my life is that you're in my life. And so if you're not acting right in my life, I take it personally. Because it's mine. I don't... I never realized that you have a life. Maybe something got... Maybe somebody got hurt in your life. Maybe you lost a loved one. And so you're not saying hello to me because you're sad. But I see you not saying hello to me. I think that guy's a jerk. Why doesn't he say hello to me? And I get a resentment. Because I'm never even thinking or considering that there might be something with you. And I take everything personally. And so I become angry. Pointlessly angry. Because you're looking at the ground and you're not paying attention to me. When I have... I have no idea what's going on. One time I was driving on Slauson Boulevard. And I was driving and these people were going five miles an hour. And they were all looking around. And I was... My hand was here. Because I was going to jam the horn. And I look over to the left and there's the entrance to a cemetery. And I thought, thank you, God. Those people lost a loved one. And they're lost. And they can't find the cemetery. And I'm about to blow them off the side of the road. That's the kind of guy that I am. But I got a power in my life that sometimes if I'm the slightest bit open, a little bit of restraint, goes a long way with a guy like me. And I didn't blow that horn. And I smiled at those people. And I said a prayer for them and their family and whoever died. Just like that. Weird. I went from full throttle, blood boiling, hair on the back of my... to my neck standing up, going to blow them off the road to praying for them. Just like that. With a little tiniest bit of restraint. And this is the character that I get to start to become. I start to consider, maybe you have a life. Because no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me. I look at what's wrong with me. I'm feeling shunned. I'm feeling stopped. I'm feeling slowed down. I'm feeling disrespected. I'm feeling disrespected. The number one resentment of all alcoholics. They're disrespecting me. Whenever I fail any of these people, I can promptly admit it. To myself always. And to them also. When the admission would be helpful. I don't run around saying I'm sorry all the time. I... I... But I do stop and go inside. And say, power, what am I doing? What's my part in this? What... Is there something I need to do? Courtesy, kindness, justice, and love are the keynotes by which I come into harmony with practically anybody. When in doubt, I can always pause saying, not my will, thine be done. And I can ask myself, I can often ask myself, what am I doing to others as I would have them do unto me? So step 10 is a continuous journey. It's said sometimes in this book, but it's said continuously in this book. I'm going to go with continuously. Continuously. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. How can I best serve thee? Then I'm in a place where I can have relationships with people for the first time in my life. Real relationships. Where I remember what a person said to me. Where I'm not afraid. I'm in a meeting and I'm at the podium. And a man says, I say, I say, it's great to see you instead of how are you. And I could change my life. That's changed my life. It makes me smile. And it reminds me of the power. Every time I say, it's great to see you, it reminds me that there's a power and I'm not it. And it connects me with the power in that moment. So I can continuously say, thy will, not mine, be done. And like I said back in two, I've got to put some things in my life. There are no tricks in AA. There's no shortcuts to a spiritual awakening. I've got to do this as a way of life in the order that it's in. The only trick I've found that's helped me is the trick of reminding me that I'm the wrong power. I've got to put things in my life that remind me that God is the right power for my life. That I'm the wrong power for my life. That's the only trick I need. And then if I can, in that memory, or the reminding of me being the wrong power, then I can turn my attention to the right, to the right place. Thy will, not mine, be done. How can I best serve thee? That's a right now thing. Right now. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. So that's step 10. Any questions? All right. Step 11. It's time to go. This will be the speed version of the weekend. Step 11. So now I'm continuing to take personal inventory. I'm continuing to see where I'm at following. I'm continually cleaning that up as it happens so I don't have a new tidal wave of crap following me around waiting to crash on my head. And now I'm going to continue to grow spiritually. Step 11 suggests prayer and meditation. I shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. And it has a very interesting take on meditation. The meditation, people think this is the 10th step inventory that you do every day. But it's not. It's a very interesting take on meditation. It's a very interesting way of doing it. It's a very interesting way of doing it. It's a very interesting way of doing it. It's a very interesting way of doing it. It's a very interesting way of doing it. It's a very interesting way of doing it. It's a very interesting way of doing it. But it's not the 10th step inventory that you do at the end of the day. You can do a 10th step inventory at the end of the day because it says you can in the 12 and 12. But I think the 10th step is in the right now inventory all the time being in touch with who I'm being and who I'm, how I'm acting in the day that I'm in. And asking, I will not mind be done constantly. Step 11 has a different type of meditation. It's a contemplative meditation. It's not a silent meditation. And the best meditations that I've done, What I've done in Step 11 is sitting at the end of the day with a pen and a piece of paper in my hand. And when I retire at night, I constructively review my day. Was I selfish? I write a question. Where was I selfish today? And I write out the answer. Where was I resentful? Where was I dishonest? Where was I afraid? Do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once? These are thoughts which help me grow spiritually. Was I kind and loving toward all? That's a cruel question to ask yourself every day. But it sets me up to be the man. You see, if I don't do this every day, at least for a period of my life, I don't know these questions as a way of life. It doesn't occur to me to think, was I kind and loving toward all? I'm kind and loving towards those that I want to be kind and loving towards. And give myself A for effort for being kind and loving towards the ones that I like. But that question, when you write this every night, when I wrote it every night, after about day 10, I started remembering, oh man, I'm going to have to answer that question. Tonight, was I kind and loving toward all? I didn't hold the door open for that person because I had to get to the ATM first. My favorite thing that happens to me during the day is when I hold the door for somebody who's unconscious. I hold the door for them. I stand there and wait and hold the door for them. And they walk in and get in line. And then I walk in. I line them after holding the door for them. And they stay in line in front of me. That baffles me. I don't really know how to handle that yet. I still get a little resentment. I still go, man, that person's really stupid and inconsiderate. Here I am, being this great guy, holding the door for them. And then they go and butt me in line. It's progress, not perfection. I'm not over that. I'm not over that. I'm not over that one yet. Was I kind and loving toward all? What could I have done better? So these are questions when I retire at night. But when I ask the questions often enough, they become the questions for my life. This is the new character. The new character lives in this. Was I thinking of myself most of the time? Or was I thinking of what I could do for others, of what I could do for others? Of what I could pack into the stream of life. But I must be careful not to drift into worry or remorse, morbid reflection. For that would diminish my usefulness to others. After making my review, I ask God to forgive me and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. That sounds a lot like the tenth step. But I can't run around with a paper and a pen all day long and retire at night and go through these questions. So I do this. I do this at night. But I believe it's an eleven step meditation. Because it's in the eleven step in the book. And then on awakening. See, now it's a way of life. If I'm writing these questions every night, this is becoming a way of life for me. And I'm willingly doing this. Nobody's forcing me to write these questions every night. I'm doing it because I want to grow spiritually. Because I want to be a new character. Because I've had some promises in my life and I want to go deeper into this life. And drinking has been completely removed. And a lot of other problems have been completely removed. And then it just has the instructions. There's no questions asked. On awakening, I think about the 24 hours ahead. And it doesn't go like this. On awakening. Oh, God. That usually happens when I first open my eyes and then I say, oh, yeah, God. God, could you help? And but I can sit down for a minute, a moment and think about the 24 hours ahead and consider my plans for the day. And then I do something I've never done before. I ask God to direct my thinking. Especially asking him that I be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. So that's a little prayer, right? Every morning I think about my 24 hours ahead and I think, God, could you please divorce my mind of self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives? It's a little prayer. Under these conditions, I can employ my mental faculties with assurance. For after all, God gave me brains to use. I know I'm reading a book. Is this crazy? But I wouldn't know how else to talk about step 11. Because it's perfectly outlined right here in the book. Exactly the instructions what to do. God gave me brains to use. My thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when my thinking is cleared of wrong motives. So if I do this, there's a much better chance that my thought life is going to be higher rather than lower. And I'm going to get to have a better experience through the day. And so are you, if you're around me. And then it gives me instructions again for living in the day that I'm in. When I face indecision and I may not be able to determine which course to take, I ask God for inspiration and intuitive thought or a decision. So when I don't know what to do, I look at my list and I say, God, which one should I do first? What should I do? And then I do what I feel intuitively guided to do. But I constantly say, if this is your will, if you want me to do something else, I'm open. I relax and I take it easy and I don't have to struggle. And I'm often surprised how the right answers come after. I've tried this. I read that part. It took me a while before I heard the part where it says, after I have tried this for a while. I'm an alcoholic with alcoholism. I need instant gratification. I need to pray once for the right decision and then get the right answer and then I believe there's a God. If I get it right away. If I don't, I'm like, okay, screw it. I didn't get anything. I'm going to go do whatever I want now and do whatever I want and get the consequences of that life. But I'm in step 11 now. That doesn't make sense anymore. I'm continuing to sought through prayer and meditation right now in this moment to improve my conscious contact with my conscious mind. God is in my unconscious mind. But I'm trying to now connect with him consciously right now. Could you be with me? Could this be something that I do consciously all day long? Through prayer and meditation. When I sit down and do a silent meditation, I put my attention on my breathing. I become aware that I'm breathing. I can do that anytime during the day. I can drive my car and be aware that I'm breathing. I can sit out here in a meeting and listen and be aware of my breathing. You know, it's not even important what I'm saying right now. It's not important. The words that I'm saying aren't important. What's important is that I'm here and that I'm present and that I'm open to the guidance from a higher power. That's what's important. The words that I'm saying aren't important. It's important that I'm having an experience with the power right now because that's the thing that's going to change me. The words that I'm saying aren't going to change you. It's the taking a moment to become aware that you're breathing, that you're sitting here in this meeting right now and that I'm becoming aware that I'm breathing. That's the thing that changes me in the moment I'm in right now. Thank you, God, for my breath. Thank you for my voice. Thank you for this moment right now, for this opportunity to be here in this room. And most meetings, that's why it doesn't matter if a meeting's good or bad because it doesn't matter what the person's saying. I can... It's an opportunity for me to sit in a chair and connect with my higher power right now to slow down and feel my feet in my shoes and hear the sounds and be present in this moment. Some of the guys haven't heard this story, so... I went to Agape Church very early in my sobriety because my wife was singing... My wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, was singing in the Agape. I'm not a big church guy. It used to be that if you said the word church, I didn't hear another word after the word church because I had a lot of resentments and prejudices about church. So you would say I went to church and I would go, boom, the steel door would slam shut. But I went and I went to hear her sing and the guy got up and he's an incredible speaker. If you ever get a chance to go to Agape in L.A., I encourage you to do it. He got up and he did a whole sermon, like 45 minutes of talking, and he talks so fast, it's so hard to hear what he's saying. And he says, you know what the most commonly used name for God is? And the people of the congregation are very boisterous and they're yelling out, Jesus and Buddha and Muhammad and Moses. And he looks at the crowd and he stops and he says, no, it's not Jesus, it's not Buddha, it's not Muhammad. And they're all, everyone's just sitting there waiting and he just stands there and he goes, it's something. The most commonly used name for God is something. Something told me that was a bad idea. Something told me I should talk to that woman. Something told me to go get her number. Something told me to apply for that job. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. All of a sudden I start listening to something more than I'm listening to me. And I ask that something to help me. And it doesn't matter what it is. You can call it whatever you want. I don't care anymore. I used to care. I used to care. If you said a certain name, boom, slam shut. I don't even like you because you said that name. You called God that name? God is God. He's always been God. He'll always be God. It doesn't matter what you call him. One guy called his God Murray. I have to say that because that's what my sponsor told me and it made, it made me feel like I was a little bit more of a God. I did the same. I had the same reaction. I'm like, Murray, that's ridiculous. And he said, well, if somebody asked the guy, he says, why are you always thanking this Murray guy? And he said, well, if you did for me what Murray did for me, you'd be thanking him too. I'd be thanking you. What used to be a hunch or the occasional, the occasional something gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced, I'm going to make mistakes. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. There are people that don't like me. Lots of them. Thank you. I'm never going to be perfect. I'm not going to be inspired at all times. I might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd, actions and ideas. But nevertheless, I find over time, my thinking will be placed on a, on a plane of inspiration. And I come to rely upon it. I trust and rely on my power today to guide me and to direct me and to make me the man that he wants me to be. And I pray for that all the time. God, help me to be the man you want me to be. Show me. Teach me. Help me. Right now. I usually conclude this period of meditation with a prayer that I be shown all through the day what my next step is to be. That I be given whatever I need to take care of such problems. I especially ask for freedom from self-will and I'm careful to make no requests for myself. God, could you please show me all through the day what my next step is to be. And could you please show me all through the day what my next step is to be. And could you please give me whatever I need to take care of such problems. Could you please give me the freedom from self-will. That's a prayer. Every morning. When I get up. And I gotta read this 66, this 86 and 87 every morning. And every night I gotta do the exercise. As a way of life. When I'm in step 11. When I've done 1 through 9. 1 through 10. 1 through 10. I've gotta do this for a period of time. Day in and day out. To build this new character. Because I don't build a new character by accident. I don't get this as a way of life because I didn't drink today. These are foreign ideas to me. The idea of was I kind and loving toward all is not something that I know in. I intuitively know. It's not something that I have in my life as a way of life. I have to put it there with my power in prayer and meditation. I have to put it there day after day until it becomes a way of life and a working part of my mind. So that that question is always there. Oh, how are you gonna answer this one tonight? And then I have something new and I get to continue to saw through prayer and meditation. But I know what my meditations are and I know what. My prayers are there right there. It doesn't have to be sophisticated. It can be very simple for an alcoholic like me with a simple mind. Couple of prayers. A bunch of questions when I do them in repetition, they sink in. They become a working part of my mind. So that's step 11. Any questions? You guys have come a long way since yesterday. Yes. Oh, put it on paper. Yeah. Do you need to stop? Oh, stop. Stop for a minute then. We'll get to questions.