The Simplicity of Accessing the Power – Kent C.

My grandmother always said things go better when you pray first. so I'm going to say a little prayer and then after that would you join me in the serenity prayer dear God use me tonight as an instrument of thy will speak through me so whatever results that you desire here tonight will be accomplished in all things thy will not mine be done and God grant me the serENITY to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. What I love most about AA is the simplicity of it. I always say my first sponsor, I told him I was sober, I don't know, four or five months. And I said, you know Bill, this AA thing really is pretty simple. He goes, yeah it is. You know why? I go, no. He goes because they knew you were coming. Anyway there's a line in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and to the young lady, was it Sarah you got the book read that book but more importantly do what it says but there's a line in the book that bottom lines the simplicity of AA for me and what it says is simply this remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent on people it is dependent upon his relationship with God if I had the power to quit drinking on my own I'd have never come to AA why should I if I could decide not to drink If I could choose not to drink and not drink, I don't need this. I'm a guy when my family, when my job, when my freedom, and eventually when my life depended on me not drinking, and I swore I wasn't drinking, and I meant it as much as I mean it tonight, and I drank. If I had the power to quit drinking on my own, I'd have never come here. So first off I need to understand what the problem is My problem, and it says it clearly in the book My dilemma is a lack of power But there is one who has all power That one is God May you find him now So the problem isn't lack of Power The answer is Power I know where the Power is How do I access the Power And Sarah that's what's in that book it's how to access that power and that is the reason that i pray before i tell you who i am from behind the podium i need to be reminded that left to my own devices i would have surely destroyed myself years ago that prayer reminds me of two things i believe are vital and crucial to me staying here first and foremost the reason i'm in galesburg is to do god's will not mine And it also serves to remind me that he is in charge here tonight. And as always, thank God I am not. Good evening. My name is Kent Cole. I'm an alcoholic. Man, I love AA. Y'all awake? Y'ALL AWAKE? Because I love AAA, right? They talk about enthusiasm. I said to my first sponsor, Bill, people say I have a lot of enthusiasm for AA. He called me college boy, right. I did. I have an education. education i have a college degree but of course my mother said that i was living proof that a college degree is not indicative of intelligence but anyway uh he said college boy go look up enthusiasm in the dictionary so i went and looked up enthusiasm and i called him up he said what does it say i says it's from the greek in theos which means the god within and he said yes and that's what enthusiasm is in Alcoholics Anonymous. It is the spirit of God alive in you, and if you lose your enthusiasm for AlcoholicsAnonymous, buddy, you better get to me real quick or get to whoever's sponsoring you then and get some help because you're in a lot of trouble. My enthusiasm for Alcoholic Anonymous has not waned. It has increased in the years that I've been here, but I will also tell you this. I have never been an inactive member of Alcoholics Anonymous. There has never been a period in my sobriety where I stopped going to meetings, I stopped sponsoring people, I stopped doing the things that I was taught when I came here. Alcoholics Anonymous is a simple program, people. My friend Al used to say, it's monkey see, monkey do, but you better make sure you're following the right monkey. Right? And I had some really good examples of Alcoholics Anonymous in my life to follow when I got here. I don't do anything different today that I did when I was three or four months sober. Nothing. I do more of it. I do it differently. My life has changed over the past quarter of a century since I've been here. Like, I got married, had kids. So, when I had little kids, right, I adjusted. I went back to school. I got an advanced degree. When I was going to school, I did that in two years, went year-round, right? And I work, right? So, I adapted. I didn't stop doing things. I might have did different things because my schedule got different I've never been inactive here for a guy like me to stop doing this I'm a dead man I don't know about nobody else in here I don'T KNOW YOUR STORY I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT WHAT I GOT BUT WHEN I CAME TO ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MENTALLY PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY I WAS MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE AND I DID NOT BELIEVE I HAD COME TO BELieve NUMBER ONE that there was no way that God would help me. And I'll talk about that. It wasn't that I disbelieved in God, but I had come to believe that there are certain people who get help and there are certainly people who don't. I had given up on life in my late 20s and I'm going to ride the train until it jumps the track, baby. People talk about being full of hatred and resentment. I went beyond that. I went to a place called cold-blooded, cold-hearted indifference. I went through a place where I don't care if you live or die. In my world ain't no day or night, no right, no wrong, no good, no evil, no God, no devil. The three most prominent words in my vocabulary when I came to you were I don t care and buddy don't try me because I don And I believe that's as far away from God as a human being with a soul and the promise of life can get. If I hate you, I still have the capacity to love you because I still feel something for you when I came here and it was nothing absolutely nothing and I never want to forget where alcoholism took me and when I found out there was an answer and I saw it in you I have not looked back I have not looked back but I'm gonna tell you this that's for today tomorrow comes wake up what we'll do her again but I didn't get drunk on yesterday's booze I don't stay sober on yesterday's action all right and if tomorrow come tomorrow ain't here it's not real oh I could get off into that I could off into the that man cuz who up in here right now thinking about that electric bill that's due next week who up here right thinking about if this don't happen or if that don't happened right and you kind of here but you kind ain't here y'all know what i'm talking about don't you fear fear is the enemy it's fear what did wilson say self-centered fear is a chief activator of all my character defects i stand here today if you knew up in here are you full of fear i don't care how long you've been up in hier i could stay here today and tell you something because it's true of me and it's truly you i have survived 100 of my worst days and so have you see sometimes I need to remember that. That God gives me what I need when I need it. I live in this day. God's grace only exists today. It only exists today. I can only live right now. I'll prove that. I want everybody in here to live 10 minutes from now. Go! Right here, right now Right here, right now I live in the grace Easier said Than done There was a guy Al P Al P was an attorney He was sober like 38 years When I came in AA He died when I was probably about a year and a half sober He was a very eccentric attorney He had orange hair that went straight up He wore sandals and black socks He was cool guy right Al used to sit next to me at the morning meeting at the club and he said Kent practice practice practice I say then what Al he'd say practice practice practice he said Ken if you play the piano every single day for two hours when you came home from school when the recital came you would be ready right but if you never sit down at the piano when time comes to play you ain't going to be able to play, Kent. Practice, practice, practice. Simple words from simple people. That's what I was given when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. Nothing deep, intellectual. Just move your feet. Move your feet. When my sponsees, and I work with a lot of people, and I don't really have sponsee's. I sponsor sponsors in AA. it is my responsibility to get it says in that blue book that was passed out to Sarah that it says in there that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics it works when all other measures fail that means what other measures go into a meeting talking to your sponsor even saying a prayer will not work at some time why is it that working with another alcoholic will work when nothing else does because that's god's will active it is god's will active with flesh and bone on it it is my responsibility as a sponsor to get you to the place where that's what you do. And if I don't do that, I have failed you. I sponsor sponsors in AA. I ain't dragging around 156 guys behind me. Oh, look at my boys. Ain't they pitiful? I sponsor grown men in Alcoholics Anonymous. They may act like they're 10 or 12 when they get up in here. but that's what we do here that's what we do here I came here never having been here before I did not come here with meeting etiquette I didn't know what an open meeting was I didn' t know what a closed meeting was I didn''t know what the sponsor was I didn ''t know what a home group was I ain't know a big book from around me Natalie Atlas when I came up in here and I didn't care And I didn' care I had the word mother wrapped around every other word I said I didn''t come here from Sunday school And nobody told me you can't do that here Nobody told me You can't come here What they did is they sat me down and they explained some things to me And they explained them to me with kindness With gentleness but with firmness I swore in a meeting one day And an old timer sat me down after the meeting And he said do you pray with that mouth And that was the end of that Do you pray With that mouth So when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous I was as I am And when somebody walk in here now They are as they are They're not going to be maybe dressed the way you would like them to. They may not call themselves what you think they should. They might not know how to behave in a meeting because no one's told them. I sit at home and old timers quit coming to meetings because the kids don't behave themselves or they don't like it. How are they supposed to know that? Ooh, don't get me to go down there. do not get me to go there there's a responsibility here some lady came up to me almost 40 years sober waxing poetic about the old timers in the old days and I said you know that's like that's really nice but how much of that do you do and she said I don't since when have I not been respect who when I came in a and my home group it was four guys that got sober between 1944 and 1946 and they didn't just know that guy but they knew that guy and they were still coming to meetings sober before I was born still coming to meetings still giving back and I'm gonna rip and run around the country and talk about what they gave me and then go home and play on my boat I think about the responsibility statement who's responsible So I came up in here And I ain't know nothing But I come up here with The skill set of a street guy And in the street you stay alive By doing two things And some of y'all know what they are Watching and listening And I came back And I'm up here And I started watching and listening I ainít talking to y'alls Stay away from me I donít know you I donít trust you I ran around with the same guys That I drank with Since I was two years old I went through, graduated from school with them guys. I played sports with them guys. I fought next to them guys in the street and I didn't have no idea who they were and they didn't know who I was because we all lie, don't we? I only allow you to see what I want you to say so that you will think of me what I won't you to think of me because my sense of self is based on what I think you think of me. Anybody in here know what I'm talking about? That's the way I live. The big book, man, I tell you, I read the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, man. It scared me half to death. I thought whoever wrote this has been following me around. The actor. I come into the Compass Group in Lorain. That was my sponsor's home group, 550 people in a gymnasium every Thursday, and he sat in the back with his arms crossed watching all the action go on. And I used to come in the Compass group, but he'd be back there with them old guys, and they'd say, look, here he come, the actor. the dime store dummy that's what they used to call me right because i got sober the first thing i gotta do is i gotta shape mold and form your impression of me so i went to the jewelry store i got me a mr t starter kit put some gold around my neck right bought me about five pairs of air Jordans ain't got but two feet that's another story right all outside no inside see I understand that I understand that I watch the youngsters when they come up in here empty on the inside right so I'm up in there and I'm watching and I am listening right I see two groups of people people staying sober and seemingly doing pretty well and people who ain't people who ain't they in and out in and in and every time they come back in from being out they look worse than the last time they came back in from being out. I did not see any improvement or progress in that group at all, those who were lucky enough to come back. I am not throwing shade at the people who have trouble because some of our best members had trouble with this thing, right? We don't shoot our wounded in here. I was asked to come here and share my experience. That's my experience, and I travel the world in Alcoholics Anonymous, andI see it everywhere I go. It ain't unique to Sandusky, Ohio or to Galesburg, Illinois. People in and out, in and out, In-N-Out. They talk to restless, irritable, discontented, terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair. Group one. Then the group two people. You come to events like this, you see group two people making coffee, setting up tables and chairs, putting out to the greeting people at the door they talk about god big book steps spirituality and enjoying life sober helping other people we'll call them group two i am no rocket scientist my story will prove that but it looked pretty obvious to me that the group two people got a better deal than the group one people this is not really right so i asked myself all right because i'm a simple guy what is it that they do that they don't obviously something's different right group two people they got some things in common got something called a sponsor I came up in here I didn't know what a sponsor well I used to play softball for Cronin's Tavern they was our sponsor and that deal worked out pretty good for me I got free booze and clothes out of that deal I thought man let me find me a sponsor in AA and y'all sat me down told me what a sponsor was you told me a sponsor is somebody who's working knowledge and experience with the steps of this program as outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous who is willing to take the time to share with me the program of recovery is outlined in that book but more importantly is a living demonstration of those principles in their life who can show me what my life can be like if I do what they do. Notice I say work and knowledge and experience. I didn't say book, knowledge, and experience, I have a college education. Reading is not my problem, I don't know how to live sober, that's my problem. Booze ain't even my problem it's a big problem when I pick it up but our book says it's but a symptom, doesn't it? What is the real problem? The real problem for me starts when I put it down, not when I pick it up. I pick it up, I get ease and comfort. But when I put it down, I can't live in my own skin. My sponsor Bob says it's like doing time and the clock is ticking. Finley used to say it's like lighting a fuse on a stick of dynamite. How long is the fuse it depends on the person but the explosion is inevitable and with me it was always inevitable and as time went on the fuse got shorter and shorter that's shorter and shorter so I have sponsorship today I'm sponsored by Bob in Las Vegas I was raised in AA by the late Bill Finley and by Kenny Bambalicki in Cleveland Bill died with 53 years Kenny has 45 today still talk to him once or twice a week Bob has 38 I believe at this point least impressive thing I can tell you about them I could care less how long they've been here the reason I got them people to help me is because of the things that I saw them do because of things I saw them do they never told me to go do something that they don't do they never asked me where are you going tonight they always told me where they were going tonight my sponsor bill my first sponsor now he came out this way to talk a lot he uh he told me he said i'm gonna train your feet against your head he said I don't care what your head tell you he said I'm gonna make your feet move against your head here I am 25 years later I'm sitting in my living room it's Monday I just came back from California I was at a conference I heard nine speakers you know I went to panels and workshops that's one of the things about doing the stuff I'm blessed to do right I come to these conferences I talk for one hour and I get to enjoy entire weekends my first sponsor told me he said you're going to get to do that he said not because you got anything to say he said you're gonna do it because you need the help that you're getting at them things and I believe that he is correct But I come home and it's Monday night. I go to work Monday. I'm tired. I get home at 6 o'clock. And I'm like, I ain't going over to UAW Hall meeting tonight. I'm tied. I just went to 15 meetings in three days by God. Right? And you know what? That's enough for anybody. And I get my keys and I'm walking out the back door. I'm still talking to myself. and when I get outside I look up at the sky and I shake my fist at him because he did what he said he was going to do he trained my feet to move against my head when the guys I sponsor call me today the first thing I say is what are you doing that's how I answer the phone when they call what are we talking about what are they doing I don't care what you're thinking I could care less I'm not Sigmund Freud that answer is in your feet it is not in your head actually the problem lives in my head I don't care what you think and if that hurts your little feelings go find somebody to pamper you because I ain't the one I'd rather tell you the truth than watch you live than pat you on your back and watch you die ooh that stunned y'all didn't it Y'all must be thinking, boy, what a hard guy he must be. And I'm not because nobody was ever that way with me. I practice the principles of patience, tolerance, kindness and love. I try to treat folk the way I want to be treated. But I'm now going to patronize you. I'm going to tell you go make a meeting and go show up and have your coffee and then go out and enjoy your life and ignore the people who come behind you. Killing people. I tell the guys I sponsor Somebody going to walk into a meeting with your name Flashing in red On their forehead Flashing Where's Jim Where's Jerry Where is he I'm going to tell you something If he show up and your name is flashing on his head And you ain't here It ain't going to matter because God is going to take care of him We're going to get him You're the one who lose You're the one who lose Having a sponsor is a great thing Great Being sponsorable Is a whole lot better Somebody asked me the other day How many people do you sponsor Kent I said oh About half of them Is that not the case Right and I tell everybody I can be as much help to you As you will allow me to be But if you think I'm going to run around behind you You out your mind I've given my life to this symbol I work with a lot of people I sponsor guys almost now In almost every state Sponsored guys in Canada I work intensively with other I don't do long distance with brand new people Those are people with five years or more I do for long distance I work a lot with people I got four brand new guys at home right now Four Alright but I can only help as much as you will allow me to help you so having a sponsor is a great thing being a sponsor builds a whole lot better people in group 2 had something called a home group they told me if you don't have a home group you're homeless and that's the last place in the world you can afford to be homeless and that you need to be at that home group and they need to know you're a member of that group by your actions. I have a home group today. It's the Venice Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We started in 1938 as an Oxford group meeting. We've been around a long, long time. You can find us in Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers. Our first member was sponsored by that guy. And ain't the best group in the world, ain't it? It ain't even the worst group inthe world. It's just an A group. One of the things my sponsor taught me when I came to AA is it's okay to stop competing now. Where did we ever get off with this? My group's better than your group. You know what I mean? A long time ago they had this thing called Christianity and then it broke up into little parts and then we're better than yours and we've seen what happens with that, don't we? Alcoholics Anonymous is not a competition. It's a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism. My home group is the best place in the world for me to be. I hope you feel that way about yours, but that don't make my group better than yours or yours better than mine. God don't love me no more than he loves you and don't Love You No More Than He Loves Me. When on earth am I going to stop separating myself? Because this is a disease that thrives on separation. Chuck Chamberlain used to say, there's but one problem which encompasses all problems, and that's conscious separation from God and our fellows. There's but One Solution which encompasses is all solution that's conscious contact with god and our fellows we got a little fellow at home mark and he says for once in your life ain't it great to just be a member of the herd right anytime i live my life better than or less than a funny thing happens i can never be a part of and if i live better than a less than an alcoholic synonymous i am on my way out that door and i don't even know it and i've been here long enough to watch it walk people right out of here. Our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon AA unity, and after Tradition 1 there's 11 more traditions that all support the unity of Tradition 1. That's what the next 11 traditions are for. Together we stay sober, individually we die it's what i like to call the total package in aa sponsorship home group big booking steps service commitment in your group help other people in my experience and i've been here for a minute i've yet to see an alcoholic of our type if you don't know what an alcoholic of our time is read the book come in here take those things apply them to their life a day at a time and go out here and pick up a drink i ain't seen it happen one single time On the flip side of the coin, I've yet to see an alcoholic of our type not do those things, come in here and stay sober. Not once. Not in stay sane, sober, or happy for any appreciable length of time. The simplicity of Alcoholics Anonymous is this. Those who do get and those who don't, don't. And it's just that simple if you're alcoholic. If you ain't alcoholic, then it don't apply to you. And you can come in here and sip coffee and feel better about yourself. Maybe you can do that. I cannot do that I cannot Do that I have Alcoholism, I didn't know what that was when I got here Either I always thought that Dr. Silkworth Made a statement that we're restless, irritable And discontented, restlessness Restlessness is physical It's just, I can't sit still I always gotta be doing something I can't be by myself I always need to be somewhere Restless It's physical Irritable It's mental It's a state of discontent All the time It's A negative perception And outlook on my life Good morning, what's good about it My nickname prior to Alcoholics Anonymous was poison and I'm not proud of that but they didn't call me that for my sunny disposition My mother said I had the most negative aura of any human being she ever met. She said when you walk into a room the lights dim We was down in Columbus at Ohio State one night playing card or playing backgammon with some girls and uh somebody said poison passed me the joint and this girl looked up and said why would you call him that that is not a good thing to call another human being and my buddy looked at her and said you want to know why we call him there go out with him and she did now now any woman that would take that challenge up right i got the worst of that deal but that's a story for another night Right? It's crazy. So I'm restless, I'm irritable, that's a state of mind, right? And I'm discontented, and discontentness is a state of spirit. It's a State of loneliness, emptiness, and lack of purpose. It's fueled by lack of spiritual purpose. Restless, irritable, and discontented It's mental, it's physical, it is spiritual Silkworth goes on to say That when the spiritual Is overcome we straighten out Mentally and physically So now I know what's wrong with me And I know where the answer lies Take care of the spiritual The mental and the physical will follow Obsession has been removed I haven't taken the first drink Therefore I have not experienced The phenomenon of craving This is not rocket science in here. I mean, they tell us in plain and simple language. This disease of mind, body, and spirit is called alcoholism. And if you got it, and I don't know if you do, but I do, and I won't treat it, death, imprisonment, or commitment are guaranteed to me. And anybody in here who doesn't understand that, stick around here and watch what happens to the people who don't. It's happening every day. It's happened a lot these days. I was born in the city of Sandusky I was the second of three boys I was raised in a Christian home I'm looking at my watch That's to make the new people feel better Because I don't really care what time it is I don' t really care What time it s right I was Born in a christian home I had to find a mother and father that have ever graced this earth I was taught the difference between Right and wrong before my feet ever hit the grass In the front yard My mother worked for Chrysler Corporation My father worked for General Motors. I'm retired from Ford. We had a lot of problems in the house, but we had really nice cars anyway. My mother was the president of the Ohio Baptist Women's Convention. All them famous people you see on religion and civil rights on TV, them people have been in my house. My mother Was the highest-ranking woman in Chrysler Corporation in the 1960s and 1970s. My mother has been dead since 1994, and there ain't a day go by when somebody in the city of Sandusky don't mention my mother. my mother was a power she was a pile when she walked into a room grown me and got quiet and the power that she had didn't come from pushing people around or nothing else it came from her spirit you know and if my mother had a rough time she'll look at you and say I'm gonna just love you to death don't worry Bob my father was a youth head of the youth football and baseball league in our town my mother's brother was two-term mayor or the city of Sandusky. I mean, my family is full of educated, professional, wealthy, really done well in life people. And then there's me. Our grandparents lived with us. You know, Bill Wilson said the 12 steps are a set of principles spiritual and nature. I was introduced to spiritually principled living before I went off to kindergarten. In our house, they told us honesty is the best policy. A real man is always honest with himself and other people. In my house, maybe in yours, we got automatic whoopings when we got caught lying did that happen in anybody else's house in here welcome to step one the principle of step one is honesty I learned it at the end of a hickory stick I'm seven years old my mother calls me in the living room and says Kenny I'm concerned about you contrary to what you seem to believe the sun does not rise when you wake up and set when you go to bed she said look out the window and tell me what you see birds cats dogs sky grass cars people she said You think this just popped up out of nowhere? She said, there's a power greater than you that created this. All you have to do is be willing to believe that, step two. In our house, they told us if we would carry that a step further and make a decision to put our life in the hands of the power that created all this. Now, in my house, they called that power God. They said, you will always have what you need no matter what happens outside or around you. They was telling us that the answer is inside, not outside, step three. And our house, they told us, anytime you got a problem, no matter how bad you think it is, come talk to us about it. A problem shared is a problem half solved. You're only as sick as your secrets. No man is an island. Anybody ever hear that stuff before? That's step four and five. My mother used to say the biggest room in a human being's life is the room for improvement. There's no perfect people. If you can make Cs, you can be Cs. If you could make Bs, if you could made all conference, you could all Ohio. She said, and if you'll ask that power to help you grow in any area positive in your life that you are deficient in, the power will always help you. That's what the power does. That's step six and seven. In our house, they told us anytime you heard harm or wrong somebody else, go clean up your mess. You owe an apology. Make it your time. Give it your money. Pay it. Right? Clean up your messed up. That's responsible people do. That's steps eight and nine. My mother used to say you can never go forward in this life if you don't know where you are and what you need to work on to get where you want to go. How can you go somewhere if you don't know where you are? Try that tomorrow. I read a book about Socrates when I was a junior in high school. Socrates said, the unexamined life is a waste. Step 10. Our grandmother told us, we were little boys, come here, I'm going to show you how to have a good day. When you wake up in the morning, slide out of the bed onto your knees, say one word please. As you go through the day And you don't know what to do Ask the power that created all of this to help you At night before you get back in the bed Hit your knees again Say two words thank you Conscious contact with God All the live long day Step 11 And then in my house they told us Anything that we do with our lives The most important thing Is not to acquire money and material things Just to be of service to other people We was taught to follow the golden rule Talk to folk the way you want to be talked to Treat folk the ways you want them to be treated Offer to share what you have with others Before you have your own and respect your elders Be of service to your fellow man Step twelve I got on the bus to go to kindergarten I was already armed with everything y'all gave me I want y'ALL to understand something in here That stuff didn't start in 1935 In Akron Those principles Are ancient And there are tons Millions of people out here who live like that every single day and guess what they don't they don' expect a pat on the back for you oh seven months sober I want to see my grandmother I said mama guess what she said what I said I paid my bills seven months in a row she said I've paid mine 72 years in a row get out of my house Wow what is wrong with you I want a pat on her back for doing the stuff I should been doing all along i wasn't raised to live the way that i did and those things aren't they're not those things are not unique people live like that every day and they don't have to have a sponsor they don' t have to go to 15 meetings a week but ain't it great that we have those things because we need them i've learned nothing new here nothing i recognized this within my first two weeks in here i knew what this was But I didn't think it would work for me I was shy, insecure and afraid as a kid I was always half a step In my mind See you got to Perception is a trip In my life In my head I'm a half a foot behind everybody else In my heart I'm afraid of everything and everybody What you don't realize Is so is everybody else but i'm so self-concerned and self-consumed right that i decide that i gotta make you like me by being perfect so i have to say the right thing i had to make the right life's not fun when you live like that is it it is there's a lot of pressure that i put on my the book talks about the bondage of self I'm not free I am captive I am captive to what I think you think about me I am captive to my own fears and insecurities I am in the bond age of self and I'm just a kid and I don't understand that and I won't talk to anybody about it so I start looking outside of me for things to make me feel better on the inside right I'm a next thing kind of guy anybody in here with her it's always the next thing that's gonna make it right all right my first car I bought when I got out of college was the Chrysler New Yorker brand-new my mother worked at Chrysle I got to discount and uh I was convinced that that would change my life I picked that car up in Cleveland I drove it two blocks I'm sitting and I'm looking at a Lincoln town car spinning in the window of a dealership cuz this New Yorker ain't getting it done. Anybody in here know what I'm talking about? It's always the next thing, I'm going to get her, right? I get her. No, it ain't her but I think it's her sister. That's how I roll. That is how I live. And my first real drink of choice is my older brother. My family plays football. Some people do art and music and that kind of stuff and we don't we play football we do it on saturdays and sundays and we do in front of a lot of people and some of us do it for a lot of money and that's what my family does you know my daddy played at west virginia state my uncle bo played at penn state i had two cousins played in the national football league for over 10 years that's when my family do we play football my brother was an ohio state recruit and uh was a running back six foot two 215 pounds in 1972, run like a deer, and very, very physical, very – nicest guy in the world away from a football field but not on it. And everybody wanted him. And we had a coach at Ohio State called Woody Hayes, and he came to our home. And my brother was going to go to Michigan. I had a cousin who was an All-American at the University of Michigan. And Woody Haynes came to our home you know no Michigan and I followed my brother wherever he went I lived in the shadow I had ease and comfort whenever I was with him he was my first drink of choice when I was when my brother I didn't have to be do or say anything I could hide behind him do anybody know what I'm talking about I felt ease and Comfort in the Shadow of my brother they called me kick Brian's little brother didn't even call me Kenny I was I was cool with that right because I am so, 1972, September the 5th, my brother died as a result of a head injury and a scrimmage, a football scrimмage down in Massillon, Ohio. It's a long story. I'm not going to get into it, but I'm going to tell you that's what happened. He had, they found out later he had a blood clot on the side of his brain. They didn't have CAT scans and stuff back in them days. They don't find that stuff. He had migraine headaches. He used to sit in a chair sometimes for hours at a time and not move. I mean literally not move, and they determined later that that's what it was but anyway he fell, it moved nine hours of surgery on Monday. He died Wednesday September the 5th 1972. My life changes Did that make me alcoholic? Absolutely not. Stop any car out here on the street you'll get similar stories What it did to me is it forced me to go out and live life on my own That's what I did Almost killed my mom and daddy I'm not even going to tell you what it did to my grandparents. It was not a good time and um but i can't tell anybody because my mom and dad they had a hard time obviously and um and i don't want to be you know i i don'T WANT TO BE NO I CAN'T MAKE IT WORSE THAN WHAT IT IS SO I'M 13 YEARS OLD I'M OFF ON MY OWN I'M STANDING WITH GUYS MY OWNING AGE NOW WE TALKING ABOUT DRINKING BEER SMOKING climbing in and out of girls bedroom windows in the middle of the night I'm batting zero zero zero I got a mother that don't play none of that I go to school church ball practice at home that's what my life looked like but I don't let you know that right I'm 13 years old I'm gonna let you remember them dogs they used to put in the back window with a car would he had to go like this that's me yeah I was over there yeah I do that I'm 13 years on I'm a liar or fake and a phony I'm telling people I've been places I ain't been I know people I don' t know I've done things that I haven't done but I know nobody in here never did nothing like that trapped by what I think you think of me I was addicted to acceptance long before I picked up a drink of alcohol and all my mother used to talk to me a lot after my brother died she would tell me Kenny God's been good to you you have so many gifts blah blah blah you will help other people blah blah blah I used to tell my mother I don't know where you get this stuff at but I ain't got no desire to be a help to you, God, or nobody else. If you want to know what I want out of life, I can tell you real quick. I want mine. I want it to get in my way and I'm going to need you to leave me alone while I'm doing it. My mother would get that look on her face. You know the look mothers get on their face when they realize one of their kids is crazy? My mother Would get that look on their faces and she would say, you don't get it. We didn't raise you that way. And I would tell my mother, you don's don't get it watch. one of the gifts God did give me is I did well in school I'm a straight A student with no effort school, I'm not challenged wasn't challenged by school I was challenged by college but I wasn't challenged by high school and they bumped my classes ahead a couple of grades I'm in the 10th grade my first sponsor used to say anytime Kent is in a room alone all his enemies are there and what he was referring to is my thinking And I'm sitting in study hall I'm 14 years old Here's the thought that comes to me You know these people in this study hall Breaking their neck trying to get B's and C's Taking general math and science I'm taking calculus, physics Fourth year Latin, fourth year English I'm sleeping in class and getting straight A's You know it just might be entirely possible That I Know everything Y'all know where this is going don't you I had no evidence to support that thought as being true I accepted it as a fact I went home and shared that with my mother and father I was scared of my father My father played football When they didn't have face masks My father was a decorated veteran From the Korean conflict And I mean decorated My father wasn't in the woods in Korea The purple heart, the bronze star I saw the letters of commendation My father was a man who My father Was a man's man My father raised General Motors for 42 years Never missed a day of work And I made him Hang his head Because that's what guys like me do But I don't hurt nobody But I made That statement to my mother and father And my father, he twitched like he was getting ready to come up off that couch. I decided not to wait to see what he wanted. I broke for that screen door. And to the day my father died, I never asked him about that or what he intended. He must have been thinking, look what we got in the house. I'm going to kill it. I got outside the screen door and closed it. My father's right behind me. I turn around. He's looking right in my eyes. I'm looking right into his. And he pointed his finger at me. And he said, Kenny, I'm gonna tell you something, buddy. You're gonna have a hard life. He said, because don't nobody know everything. And I stood there and I looked my father in his eyes and I laughed in his face and that was a significant day in my life because on that day, buddy, I closed the door. Our book says honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the three essentials of recovery and they're indispensable. A closed mind cannot learn, it cannot grow. That's why when we come to Alcoholics Anonymous, they know what age we started drinking because we don't mature. If you don't learn and grow, you can't mature I came to AA, I was 32 years old. I was at a meeting in Port Clinton, Ohio talking to the guy next to me there's a woman named Betty sitting across from me who got sober in the late 40s Betty looked at me and she said let me guess you started drinking when you were about 13 or 14 didn't you I said yes how did you know what she was doing sitting there listening to me because that's where I'm at when I come in here I got the emotional maturity of a teenager so that day was significant because on that day buddy my philosophy of life was if I don't know it, it ain't worth knowing and I'm off to the races selfish, self-centered self-seeking according to my mother mean as a rattlesnake I had yet to pick up a drink until people, I was the perfectly tilled soil for the disease of alcoholism I just needed to water it to see if I had the allergy, and I did. I got in a car with a guy whose life I lived in my head. Anybody in here live anybody else's life in your head? Who in this room be sitting around thinking about what your life be like when you hit that mega million and what you're going to do with that money? Because there's always something outside of me that's not answering. There's always someone outside of you. And what I know today is if I hit the Mega Millions, the spirit in me the day I hit it is the one I'm taking into the mansion. It's the one I'm taken into the mansion. That's why we got people in Beverly Hills hanging themselves. That's why. And I've sponsored some of them guys. And it's a hard deal. Johnny had a snazzy car, pocket full of money, was the captain of the basketball team at Sandusky High. We all played up there. My best friend's older brother, we all played varsity ball up there, and he had the life I lived in my head. Snazzy card, pocketful of money. Ran around with the kind of girls I ran away from. I got in the car with Johnny. He said, you want to get something to drink? I had had all the warnings. Alcoholism does not run in my family. It gallops. And I have been told we do not do alcohol well. Both sides of my family are rife with this thing. If Johnny had said to me that day, let's go rob the carryout, I guarantee you I would have done it. Anybody here know what I'm talking about? That's how little sense of self I got. We went through the drive-thru. We bought 10 quarts of Slissmore Liquor Bull because it was on sale. Dropped the convertible top on that beautiful Pontiac quarter walls and spinners on it. cranked up the Parliament Funkadelic and rode through the streets of Sandusky and drank a beer. My life changed. We're talking here about the effect produced by alcohol, sick versus ease and comfort. Best way I can put it to you is that I went from shy, insecure, and afraid to bold, confident, suave, debonair, and absolutely fearless in about 20 minutes. I'm the kind of guy that goes into the club And if I ask a girl to dance and she say, no, I am done for the night. Fellas, any of y'all know what I'm talking about? I will retreat to the corner. I am down for the knife. Give me two or three hookers of gin. And I go up and ask a gal if she want to dance. And she say no, I would tell her it is her loss and move out the way so I can talk to yourself. That's how I am. The effect produced by alcohol. We went behind the dairy compartments where the fellas hung out. He said, five words in public in the last three years. Music is blasting. People surround the car. I told Johnny to turn that music down because there was a few things I wanted to tell a few people who was present that afternoon that I had been wanting to tell them for quite some time. I went around that circle of hoodlums, told each and every one of them exactly what I thought of them and what they needed to do, in my opinion, to improve themselves. The reaction of the boys around the car, they leaning in the convertible and hugging me. They said, see, I told you Coleman all right. He loosened up. He's drinking. he's one of us conscious separation conscious contact baby and on that day I made contact and I knew that on that day that when I drink I change and so do you we left there went over to the home of some of them girls you run around with I run away from I walked into that home like I was paying a mortgage never been over there in my life I sat down at the dining room table I made eyeball to eyeball with what I still believe is the finest girl to graduate from Sandusky High School in his 179-year history. I had never even, you know, I saw her at the bank about a week ago and she still, anyway, I made eyeball-to-eyeball contact with her. She looked at me, I looked at her and I said, come here. And she got up and started walking toward me. Now any sane human being at this point would probably think, gee, kid, if you wasn't so shy, look what you could have done just by speaking up. is that what I thought nope if you knew follow me here's what I thought if you had been drinking before now look what you could have done is anybody in here like me right I immediately credited it to drinking alcohol is success for me alcohol is an answer for me that's why them people out there can't talk to me but you can This is an honest program When she got over there to me I didn't have the faintest idea what to do with her I don't think that far ahead when I'm drinking My story proves that But I watch a lot of TV On TV they go like this So I did And she sat down In my lap And my life changed again And the up shoot to that whole little story Is on that day alcohol did for me What I could not or would not do for my For the first time in my entire life I felt whole And that is a very Very powerful thing And alcohol ain't supposed to do it God is That's why, and everybody in here knows that feeling. That's why it doesn't last. Because it will eventually quit working tomorrow. What happened the rest of that day is the rest is my drinking history. I went to blackout. I have no idea what went on the next four or five hours. According to eyewitnesses at the house, I came in the front door and threw up a trail. I threw up a trail through the living room, through the kitchen, through the family room. My grandfather fell on the floor laughing. I went in the bathroom and hit everything but the toilet. The next thing I remember is my mom, you know how they do, come out here and clean this mess up. You know you've been drinking. Blah, blah, blah. I staggered into the hallway and what later years would be my drinking uniform, my underwear. Father Pete used to say I had to hang over, you could take out and look at. I mean, I am dying. I go to the bathroom, lock the door, she's still screaming in the hallway. I put my hands on the bathroom sink, I looked in the mirror, and this is what I said. Man, oh man, I can't wait to do that again. Anybody know what I'm talking about? Grounded for life is what was being discussed in the living room, and how that sentence, I got grounded for life. So I had a meeting with myself in the bathroom before AA. I love to have a meeting with myself. I had an meeting with myself, I can solve most anything that's going on. If it's over in China, wherever it is, I got an answer. Started meeting with myself and this is what I came up with. Okay, Kent, you got drunk? Yep. You got sick? Yep, and you got grounded for life. Now the reason, Kent that you got grounder for life is not because you got wrong. The reason you got groundwater for life Kent is because you got sick. So what you gotta do is learn how to drink, come on, without getting sick. Now no sane person thinks like this. What kind of thinking is that? All y'all got, y'ALL IN TROUBLE, I'M TELLING YOU. You just don't drink no more. The man put his hand on a hot stove. You don't go back and say, well I'll put my hand on a green stove today that's hot, but it'll be different. Well come on. This is nuts. I'm in the bathroom, I'm facing a negative consequence as a result of my behavior, and I am in the bathroom plotting to repeat this behavior. Such is the power of obsession. Our book says something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change or change of thinking. If you can relate to what I just said, Without these steps, you're in a lot of trouble. In my early 20s, laying in the bed, making a list of all the reasons why I ain't drinking today, right? Lose my job, get kicked out of school, get kick off the team, girlfriend moving out, kicked out of the house dirty urine I'm going to prison all these things true in my life if you drink like I drink you got a bunch of them going on simultaneously I would lay in the bed look at the truth and make a decision based on truth is kind of decision there is to make I don't want these consequences therefore I ain't drinking that is large our book calls that sound reasoning And it is, isn't it? Sound reasoning. But our book goes on to say that parallel to this sound reasoning, ransom insanely, circle the word insanely in your book back there, Sarah. Trivial excuse to take a drink. Because then I get out of the bed. And about five seconds later, here's the thought that comes to me. It's Friday It's Friday and you know I have Worked all week Which for me is three days You know none of This is really My fault this is the United States of America I'm grown I'm a contributing member of society and by God I deserve a beer is anybody following this our book refers to this as the insidious insanity of alcoholism this is why families like mine put guys like me in mental institutions because they don't know what's wrong with me other than that's crazy and what it is, it's alcoholism so I'm a drink trouble guy always have been if I stood here tonight and took a drink, this was a drink of alcohol, and I stood hieronight and took a drink. A cop would drop right out of that light and land in the middle of the floor. But you must understand, it's not my fault. I like how in the big book it says, on through the years this conduct continues. We're talking about the jaywalker, right? On through the years, because that's what happened, on through the years this conduct continued. Had a heart attack, dropped dead in 1986 as a result of the use of alcohol and some of its cousins. I dropped dead one day. That will happen if you do what I do the way I do it. Girlfriend calls the rescue squad. They put the paddles on me. They resuscitate my heart. I'm in the cardiac unit. Absolute chaos. My family, my mother telling the doctor i already lost one son blah blah blah it's just and i'm laying there you know what's wrong with y'all i'm the one who's sick i mean that's how i am i'm so full of me i can't even see you my first sponsor said you were in a for a year before you realized anyone else was here It's true though isn't it I laid in the cardiac unit And I said God if you let me live I'll never drink again And I meant it as much as I mean it now I was not joking I had been dead 48 hours in the card In the cardiac room They moved me to a regular room Here's the thought that came to me whoo that was close but I'm alright now this calls for a celebration I didn't see anybody really something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change if you can identify with what I just said without these steps you in trouble and if you can't identify what it didn't don't worry about at the end of my drinking no baths no showers I got a liver that's extended about seven inches um last three years of my drink and I tried everything I could think of to stop I went back to church I hold the record for reinstatement at the Ebenezer Baptist Church I'd sit in the back with all the rest of the guys who were in trouble they'd have that altar call Ebeneezer is a big church big big big there's about a mile and a half walk down front they'd had that altar called I'd make that slow walk down that aisle making sure everybody see me I walked past the green sisters wandering child home at last they'd say I go down there and I'd be like okay they're gonna pray for me and to follow me for a minute they're going to pray for mean and it's gonna be different I'm gonna walk back to that seat changed I went down there they prayed for me when I raised my head I was not changed faith without works is dead no one ever told me that that's all it would take to change you. That came from up here. So that don't work, okay? That don't work. I used to sit up at night with a Bible in this hand and a Miller High Life in this hand. I ain't kidding you, I did. And I just gave up. I come out of the pump lounge it's a thursday night there's a guy in cleveland six-pack charlie kitchen he says that that's the moment when god paralyzes the liar in you long enough for you to see the truth that's called a moment of clarity or a moment of sanity i walked out of that bar and what i saw was this if you don't stop drinking you're gonna die you better get some help because you can't do it by yourself and you better do it now because you're running out of time out of nowhere I uh I got in the car and my brother was driving I had to be at work in half an hour and I went home and I called my best drinking buddy from college he was a doctor owed him about five grand hadn't paid him a dime didn't even know if he'd take a call for me his wife answered the phone and she said Richard yes can't and that's exactly how she said it and rich got on the phone And I said, Rich, it's your boy, man. I need some help. This was the guy who could drink me under the table. This is the partiest dude ever to come out of Cincinnati, Ohio. I'm telling you. I went to school in Miami of Ohio. Rich got accepted into medical school. Had a beer in his hand and joint in his hands. He said, I ain't going to be able to do this loaded. had put him down and he never picked him back up because he ain't got what we got it's a guy that liked to party but when it interfered with his priorities in life he put it down i can't do that when they told me a dirty urine and you're going to prison for five years i showed up drunk at adult probation and i didn't do it because i'd rather be in prison than be free I didn't do it because I'd rather be drunk than sober It's one of the biggest lies in here I did it because I'm powerless over alcohol And if you're new in here tonight and you don't get that If I had the power To quit And choose not to I don't need this But if you are like me then this is the last house on the block. Do you notice that we don't refer people anywhere from here? Has anybody ever noticed that? We don't, we don' t refer people from here. Right? I'm sorry, but once you get here, this is it baby. It's true. and what rich said to me is pack a bag stay by the phone man I got you I've been waiting on this call for seven or eight years when I get a call from the inner group at three o'clock in the morning I say pack a bad stay by the phone baby cuz I got and for that I am responsible and I want you to know something I got someplace to take you I was taught by my first sponsor I am to be a resource for new people in the Alcoholics Anonymous if a new if you in this program and you are got time in here and somebody called you a knee detox and you don't know where to get it for them, shame on you. Shame on you! I demand that of the guys I work with. You will go out here and you will build relationships with halfway houses treatment centers. You'll know where a guy can get a lunch. You will know where a guy can get bed. But devil, we're going to tell people come in here and let us help you and we don't owe nothing. See, I wasn't raised in AA like that. This ain't no country club for me. This is the home of the dying. I'm sitting in a room full of dead people, right? Brought back to life by the steps of this program. And I have a responsibility when my phone rings to make sure that those people get that help. drank a case of beer on the way down there the next day. I didn't know too much about treatment, but I figured on my own they wasn't serving no liquor down there. And I was right. That's three or four of them cold jinnies in me as we sped down I-75. Here's the thought that came to me. You know, I just may have overreacted here. That ain't that bad. That's the effect produced by alcohol. What problem? Right? My father told my brother, I'll give you $100, you don't bring that tramp back to town. That's a true story. And my brother said, give me $200, I'll take you home. I didn't have a dime. I worked at Ford Motor Company and did not have a car. Yes, you're looking at a man who did it. It's difficult to do, but I did it." I did. I worked for Ford Motor. I didn' t have a cart. I used to look at people at Ford. They come to Ford. They pull out their wallet, and they'll show, here's my new cabin. Here's my New Boat. Here's My New Harley. Here's MY New Corvette. And I'm thinking to myself, what are you, robbing a bank? How do you get all this stuff? There was a man, his locker was over by mine. I said that one day and he turned around and looked at me and he said, Kenny, the first thing I would say to you is you need to come here more than two or three days a week. I went to treatment, and Richard drove me from his house in Centerville over to Green Hall in Xenia, Ohio. Bought me a quarter of Miller's for the trip. We pulled in the parking lot of the hospital. I got about that much left in that quart. He put his car in park. He looked at me. He said, go ahead, dog, finish that, and don't ask me how I know it. He said that's the last drink you're ever going to take. That was May 17th, 1992. I have not had another drink or anything stronger than an aspirin since that day, and I never knew that it would be even possible. I woke up the next day, it was May 18th of 1992, and that was to be my sobriety date. I did not know that because I did Not Know or Care What a Sobriety Date Was. I spent 35 days in a 28-day treatment program. That'll tell you how that went. I got out of the treatment. My whole 35 days was on step one, one of the better treatment centers in the country. Step one. No right in the fourth step before you go home and all this crap. Step one, because they know if I don't get that, I'm dead. I came home. I played a game. It's called don't drink golden means and don't do nothing else. If I put my arm through a window and I cut an artery in my arm, I bleed all over the floor. I drive myself to the hospital. I run into the emergency room bleeding to death. Doctor comes out and says, come on back, Mr. Coleman. We'll treat you now. I sit there bleeding to Death. Look at the doctor and say, no, thank you. I'll just sit here. And I bleed to death in the emergencyroom. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the emergencyroon. I've been sitting in these meetings with people who come to meetings seven days a week, and I've watched them die of untreated alcoholism. The treatment for the disease I suffer from is a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, period. There's a lot of things that support and facilitate that. Meetings, literature, conferences and conventions, workshops. We are inundated with the dissemination of information and Alcoholics Anonymous. But those things are not a substitute for the steps. They are a support mechanism to the steps, does that make sense to you? you when I understood that it started making some sense guy says to me don't drink and come here and you'll be fine I said if I could not drink I wouldn't need to come here you gotta have more than that and he turned and walked away because he didn't have more than that in 17 years sober he took a 357 and blew his brains out I went to 250 meetings in three months and I ended up in the parking lot of Daly's Pub. I was going to drink again. Said my first prayer in AA, God what am I doing wrong? Got an immediate answer. What are you doing right? You go to 250 meetings in three months, you hear it every day. Get a sponsor, read a book, work this stuff. I worked midnights, I could go to meetings all day and I did. But I didn't do none of that. I had no sponsor. I didn' t work. I just went to meetings. Old-timer Willie Witherspoon came up to me one day and said, Boy, sitting in the chicken coop don' t make you no chicken. You have to do something up in here if you plan on staying. And I'm going to drink again. I'm sitting in a car, and I'm thinking, What am I, some kind of freak? I go to three meetings a day, andI'm goingto drink. And I said, God, what am I doing wrong? What are you doing right? Get a sponsor. Read the book. Work the steps. Get a home group. Help others. I heard it every day. Turned the key in that car Turned in the ignition Went to Lorraine Got Bill and Kenny at Compass Group I asked them if they would help me And Kenny said well I live in Cleveland Bill's in Lorraine He's in between me and you He'll get the worst of it I'll take what's left Kenny's sponsor was Ted R Ted R's sponsor Was him And I was given Alcoholics Anonymous in a very clear very simple way straight out of a book my mother died I was two years sober I had chance to make amends to my parents my father died I was like 18 years sober um I got divorced at 20 years sober and moved to Las Vegas I believe if you get divorced y'all move to Las Vegas that's just my own personal opinion and uh but my kids were not old enough for me to be that far away yet um i still got one my oldest daughter is a junior at the university of cincinnati she's married now uh and my baby is a jr in high school so i got a couple more years before i can retreat to the desert but uh my life is good um and it's been life right the good the bad and the ugly no I got divorced at 20 years and I mean everything in my life my finances my that big old house them Lincoln's in the duck oh well and it was not a contested thing right and I just see you I have it and and it's been an amazing journey because I've always been so fixated on stuff all right then it ain't like I ain't got some stuff now cuz I'll be lying if I said I don't but not like that is it's not like that anymore this life is amazing and life and Alcoholics Anonymous it's an unbelievable thing I made amends to my mom you know she told me I'm Kenny I want you to stay with those people in they because they were the answer to our prayer they did for you what we could not my mom I had to move back in their house when I was she saw me go to all them a meeting she saw him he bring my first policies into her house I start sponsoring guys out several months over and my first policy was a guy would hate tape tattooed on both his knuckles and I thought I'm gonna kill this guy or he's gonna kill me that's how it's gonna go and he's 24 years sober now lives down north kid just got out of prison when I started sponsoring it's an amazing journey if you knew in here I want to share something with you they give me a tape of Warren Chisholm senior in Cleveland 12th man in AA he made this statement anyone who comes here was willing to practice the principles and precepts of this program is outlined in the big book need never drink again one day at a time. I went to Finley, my first sponsor because he was a friend of this Warren Chisholm and he was dead when I came in AA so I couldn't question him on this but I went to Finlay and I said he can't say that never drink again and Bill looked at me and said yes he can he said I'm going to tell you why he said because this is a spiritual program and God doesn't fail there's no failure here you can't fail here all you have to do is do your part if this don't work for you is because you have not fulfilled the conditions that have been laid down in that blue book back there. God never fails. Ever. If I said anything to help you tonight, thank God. Do not thank me. If I didn't say nothing to helpyou tonight, guess what? It's more meetings tomorrow. God does not make too hard terms with those who seek him. God could and would if he were sought abandon yourself to god as you understand god admit your faults to him and to your fellows clear away the wreckage of your past give freely of what you find and join us we shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us As you Excuse me You will surely meet some of us As you trudge the road Of happy destiny May God bless you And keep you Until then Good night