The Silent Sickness of the Mind – Bob D.

About This Speaker Tape

1977. A county jail cell. Bob D. is facing two years in state penitentiary for a felony hit-and-run in a stolen car. He is a "freeze-dried alcoholic," a man who felt the sickness of the mind long before he ever touched a bottle. To Bob, abstinence isn't a relief; it's "doing time." He describes the "silent sickness of the heart," a desolate loneliness where he feels an impenetrable wall between himself and the rest of the world.

He speaks of the "recuperative powers of the alcoholic ego," a tumor that grows back the moment he stops drinking. He recounts the wreckage: a hunting knife used to open a man's chest and parents battered emotionally until they were too embarrassed to leave the house. After a failed suicide attempt on a Pittsburgh bridge, Bob realized he had been a member of the "passing parade" in AA—sitting in rooms and dying of untreated alcoholism. Only through total surrender to a Higher Power and the frantic action of the steps did he escape the trap.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Bob D. opens by thanking the committee and acknowledging fellow speakers.
• 4:15 Bob discusses the 'freeze-dried alcoholic' and his lifelong inclination for self-focusedness.
• 8:30 Story of the felony hit-and-run DUI in a stolen car and the encounter with Woody.
• 12:45 Laughter: Bob describes the difficulty of dating while homeless.
• 17:20 Bob describes the 'Ark House' in Pittsburgh and the 'silent sickness' of abstinence.
• 23:10 Discussion of the 'phenomenon of craving' and the physical allergy to alcohol.
• 31:40 Raw and emotional: Bob details the wreckage of his past, including the hunting knife assault and the impact on his parents.
• 38:15 The bridge in Pittsburgh: Bob's near-suicide attempt and the realization that he was 'dying of loneliness.'
• 44:50 Bob's journey to Las Vegas and the importance of 'fanatic doers' in early sobriety.
• 51:10 Step 9: Bob's experience with making amends to the courts and the story of Eddie.
• 56:30 The metaphor of the Japanese Empire's unconditional surrender as a model for recovery.
• 59:10 Closing promise to newcomers regarding the Big Book and the result of a surrendered life.