The Selfish Motive for Staying Sober – Father J.

As the reward. These words were spoken by David, who lived many, many years ago, was a king, and died a very holy death. They were spoken immediately before he died. Now, in AA, we say that AA is a selfish program. However, I believe there is no confusion of this term, both in and out of AA. Because selfish, in the sense we use it, means true self-love. In other words, we might better say that AA is a program of properly regulated self-love. We say that. We say that. We should know this from the commandment of love. Because in that commandment, Almighty God tells us, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and thy neighbor, and thyself. Indicating that we must first love ourselves before we can love God or our neighbor. Now, in our drinking days, we didn't love ourselves. If we did, we would not have come so close to this. We would have come so close to destroying ourselves. Now, we can carry this beyond AA and make the statement that life itself, therefore, is a selfish program. A program of properly regulated self-love. Take, for example, in the alcoholic. When he quit drinking, he quit many times in order to please someone else. Either his wife, friend, boss. Or perhaps his sweetheart. What happens? Everything goes fine until that person pleads. And once he pleads, no more motive. Bring it on again. But as soon as the person, therefore, is pleased, he begins to drink again. So many will come and say, Father, how can I get my husband to stop drinking? You can. He will never stop drinking for you, and it's better that he won't. Because if he does, he will not stay sober. Well, then he says, he should drink enough of me to stop drinking. Well, maybe he should, but he don't. And therefore, until he stops drinking for himself, for a selfish motive, he will not remain permanently selfish. So they come to alcoholic synonyms. And the same thing happens. How many come to AA? Why? In order to please somebody else. And they don't stay. Why? Because once that other party is pleased, there's no motive anymore to stay around AA. They have accomplished what they came for. I came to please my wife, my husband, or my boss, or whomever it is. Now they are pleased, so I don't come to AA anymore. So they don't stop and analyze it exactly in those words. But that's what happens. Some of us will come to AA after a while. That doesn't happen. Caused by AA. Anyway, that applicant is a selfish motive. Meaning, what he or she will choose binnenDOE bycombination, you ask my friend... No way. No way. Not only will he or she choose be CAVAT. Not because I want him to be CAVAT. Because he or she will decide if he or she wants him to be CAVAT. Cause now you can decide. But you don't know colors of color. You don't know how many colors. You don't know how many colors in the silhouette. And there stayed 33 Speaker. So many clothes, over all, but None. And he said the white shirt black and peacefully went black. Mine burned. He didn't twelve. And I'm gone ASAP. Oh my god! then I will keep it. Then I will work for it. Then I will remain with that attitude at all of my affairs. As closely as this necessary in the beginning of AA are the pathologically proud alcoholics. He's not big enough to quit for somebody else, but he's little enough to quit for himself. And that's the answer to the whole story. When we come to AA with our pride, way beyond the normal union degrees, I'm too small. I'm not big enough to quit for someone else, but I'm little enough to quit for myself. And that goes for all proud people, not only alcoholics, but all proud people in life are better approached from a motive of stealth. That is, for his own recognized and admitted ultimate good. That's the reason there's such a danger in an AA becoming an apostle. You see them in AA, they try to guile up everybody. And they also try to save everybody's souls. They forget, first of all, that we're not out to save souls in AA. We're just ringing them out. When you're only ringing out, sir, you come asking for it. So then tell. Therefore, we best practice the 12 steps for us. We best practice mental hygiene, for example, for us. We best control our emotions if we do it for us. We'll do good for others more frequently if we do it for the good I get. Not because what I get is good. Not what God will give me in turn, but what God will in turn give me. Because as we said the other night, God will never be outdone in generosity. As we give, we will get in life. The more we give, the more we get. And what we give away, we keep. And what we try to keep to ourselves, we can never reproduce. We lose it. Therefore, we give for our own ultimate good. We best practice virtue. If we practice it, we get it. If we don't practice it, we get it. If we don't practice it, we get it. If we don't practice it, we get it. We should practice it. We should do it because it's best for us. We will grow in the spiritual life faster and more solid if we practice the principles of the spiritual life for us. We will do all things much better in life if we do them for us. But I guess anything new, or hardly, can't be to go, as I mentioned in the beginning, old King David when he was about to die. When he just died. And he died, on the cross, and He explained, I have kept thy commandments to God because of the reward for himself. His own ultimate good. And so in the spiritual life, we have what we call the purgative way. Now for those of you who don't know, purgative way in the spiritual life means you're getting rid of all the various obstacles to spiritual growth and you're doing it for your own benefit. Only then can we ever aspire to a life of pure love of God, or exclusive love of our neighbor. Why is this? Well, the wheel will only follow what the intellect presents as good. But yet, points out, the wheel, the wheel, the wheel, which is a blind faculty, must follow. Therefore, we always do what we think here and now is best for us. That is what we want to do. Although sometimes it seems the factors prevent us from starting it out. But our will still has. We still want to do it. We might, for instance, be in hell. But our will still is actually to say, I want to be outside. Because I feel that is best for me. And now you can say that a little bit further. And say that the fellow in jail, that realizes this is best for him, he's paying society his debt. Therefore, he would be more contented in jail because then he's doing it for himself, not because he has to. And we have trials in school. The child who studied for what he was to get from the church will go much further. The child who studied for what he was to get from the church will go much further. And he doesn't study because he has to study. Of course, in all this therefore, then the emotions come along. And they just tear the fact. They deceive us. And then we do it. Because we're fools. We choose as a result many things which we think is best. But in the end are the worst in the world for us. Behold the alcohol. He drinks again. Why? Because at that moment His will powers what seems to be not only the best, but necessary to him, albeit it is the worst thing to do. Self-love, haha, self-destruction. Self-love would dictate him to avoid that first mate, no matter what the consequences, provided he is an alcoholic. Therefore, only when sobriety appears as best, as good and desirable, will we pursue it and maintain it. And most of us come to that point when we have only three choices to make, death, insanity, or sobriety. And then we're convinced, for the first time, that sobriety is best for us. Now all this... The preceding decisions to this final decision has been for others in the alcoholic world, not for himself. Their will decided what we did. But to me, to you, to every alcoholic, from the time we quit drinking, alcohol was what we thought was best for us. The same thing happens with sin. That's the reason that God... God heard about reward and punishment. Because he knows human nature. He knows human nature much better than you or I. He created it. And he knows that this is the only safe highway to heaven until we reach the humility intersection. Because we should never forget that humility must precede love. We cannot have love... We cannot have love until we first have humility. And we won't have humility until we practice it and practice it and practice it again. And that we must obtain through actions of self-love. Dictating to me, this is best for me. So therefore self-love leads to humility. And so in sin... Even if the reward and punishment idea... Many impressions come along that seem to be better than what God promises. Or we deceive ourselves through our emotions or our rationalization. But we will get by that God will. And if he will, it isn't too soon. It will be a long time off. All kinds of rationalization. And so again, we sin. And of course there, the big difference is in distance. Because rewards and punishments that God promises are a long time off. Whereas the parking problem today is present. Now the only thing that will bring that into focus to the present is the grace of God. It's just like throwing the enlarging machine on the curtain or the screen. The light that comes through will illuminate that to make it equal to life's size. And so God's grace will make us conscious of the reality of his rewards and punishments to offset the consciousness of the present of the difficulties and the oppressions and the temptations and the weaknesses of everyday human nature. So in any way, therefore, we must conclude that... Only if we practice a selfish program will we avoid tumbling off the cliff of pseudo-apostolicity. And that, I mean, is the fellow who tries to be an apostolic and getting other guys sober, getting other guys to church, but he's doing it out of a motive of pride. Now if you don't believe it, just disagree with it. Watch him hit the ceiling. We can do that. In fact, we had twelve apostles appointed by Christ and those who accomplished such great things, get it out of the motive of love. But we've got a long way to go ourselves. As I said before, before we'll reach that ability to motivate our lives by love instead of death love. Such is the nature of the world. And so, I want to say, I want to say, such a person, you've seen them in AA, they go out and help their poor fellow man. They go out and sober up the poor drunk, you know. They keep looking down on them. And so they get up bigger and bigger on that pedestal and one day they jump off through the bottom. So life in all of its aspects is a selfish program. And from that we have that famous, well-known axiom, down through the ages, which tells us, and I will give you the Latin first and then I will translate, ade quid agis et lespice fiem. And that literally means, do what you're doing but keep your eye on the ultimate. And then more freely we could translate it to mean, do what you are doing at all times because it is ultimately the best for you or your good. We have a very mundane expression of that idea in a song not too many years ago. Remember, accentuate the positive and accentuate the ultimate. It's the same thing. Keep our eyes glued to the ultimate. Do what we're doing, always looking at the ultimate good for me. Now let's see how this so-called selfish program works out in practice. How do we do our everyday living? The first lesson takes the home. Our home life. How much more classes? How much more happiness will we not have in the home if everyone would do good and avoid evil because it's good for themselves? Well then everybody would be doing the right thing. No friction, no fear. We wouldn't be doing something because we're afraid the wise will find out. Or because we're afraid what she's going to say if we don't. Because we're afraid we're going to get dressed down if we don't do it. We're not doing things any longer to please the other party. We're doing what we know we should do because it's best for us. And in the doing we please everybody, including God, the rest of the family, and ourselves. We're doing it because it's best for us. How many children, for instance, go to graduate school of various types, specialty schools, because their aunt or their uncle sent them and they don't dare say no? You know, I was amazed to find that fact out some years ago. I was a priest, and you who have read my story might remember that I went to art school after one of my difficulties to get a hobby. And I did pretty good to art. So the bishop found it out. Then he called me in and asked me to quit. He said, after all, at your age, you couldn't have any talent. And I disagreed with him. In fact, I took two or three pictures out and showed them. To prove to him that he didn't have talent. This was wrong before he ate. Then he said, well, that's pretty good. He said, maybe you'd better go a few hours a week, then I quit. But you know what I found out when I went to that art school? I thought, when I'm here, it must be one school. And everybody who's here wants to be here. Oh, how foolish I was. As soon as the professor left the room, everybody quit paying. We had fellows there, tremendously talented, but they didn't want to be there any more than the man on the moon. You see, old stories. They were doing it because someone sent them there. That's the reason I think it's so important that children should be taught to choose for themselves guidance yet, force no. Even God doesn't use force, you know. God gives us guidance through the commandments, His divine law, His manifest promises and so forth, but He doesn't use force. And how do you know that? How we can learn from that? From the family. Without children, guidance yet, force no. Social life. We have a class of people whom we call the elite in the social world. You know, those are the ones I said a while ago were the uppercrumps, you know. I have heard from a lot of these people who are very unhappy in being a member of the elite. Because they have to do so much that they don't want to do. Unless they step on somebody's toes. Unless the social atmosphere dictates differently. They are the slaves to society. Not the lower caste. That's what they say. We have the saying, which may be apropos to this, that we are given our family, but thank God we can pick our friends. This is a selfish program. Then in business. The person who enters business because, or goes into a profession because he wants to for himself, he will assign to one, be more fitted and more apt to be successful than if he goes into that business or enters that profession because his mother said so. Or because his father made him. Or to please someone of the family who had all the gold. We should work and save for our own security first. Because that is necessary. And if we do that, we will be more apt to provide for the few. In our practice of mental hygiene. Mental hygiene will be much better and much more effective if we practice the principles of it because of what we will get from it. More happiness. More sense of security. Better adjustments to life. Less friction. Then we will use the principles of mental hygiene. The same thing. The same thing in our emotional life. So many you know will help others through their own destruction. That happens in AA. And it happens to a person who does not realize that AA is a selfish program. Take for example, how many times a guy will go on a 12 step call or work with a new fellow who irritates him to such a degree that it causes him to go out and start drinking. He is much better if you let that fellow go. And take care of himself. The same thing with meetings. Many people go to meetings. There happens to be something there or some body there who causes friction inside. So many have come and said, Hey, what am I going to do? If I quit the meeting, that is not good AA. That means good AA. That is fine AA. That is the reason we have so many meetings. That is the reason it only takes two people to form a new group. Start a new group. That is how we have growth in AA. That is how we have growth in AA. This is a program of self-love. This is a selfish program. We should, in this regard, particularly in emotional control, we should therefore know our own needs. How far can we go? And beyond that, we should say no because of our own good or our selfishness. We should not ask ourselves like, How do I know they can help me? In our life, in our lives, we have to ask ourselves, How do I know we can help them? And how do we know we can help them? We have to ask ourselves that question. This is the one that makes us more comfortable. It is the most faithful self, emotionally. And even in our physical lives. The person who practices physical hygiene more faithfully is the one who does it for their own good, not to please somebody else. Take, for example, such a little thing as brushing your teeth. A kid who brushes his teeth because he has to because his mama makes him, soon as he gets out from under his mother's care, no more teeth brushing. And the same is true for the child who does the same for his mother. I don't know what my father did, but it is a wonderful thing. For example, touch a little thing that's brushing your teeth. The kid who brushes his teeth because he has to, his mama makes him, as soon as he gets out from under his mother's care, no more teeth brushing. And the same thing, the young lady who takes care of herself, her hair, and everything else, who's pleased with her fiancé, what happens when they get married? She puts on the old fat dress and that's it. The wife who is careful about her own appearance after marriage, 99 times out of 100, 999 times out of 1000 is one who is doing it for her own self. Because she wants to look nice. And she will continue to do it. Not for others. Particularly is this true in such a... thing as courting. You know, gals and fellas, the more you quit on before a marriage, the more you have to take off hats in marriage. Now I'm not a talk about folks. The more I cover up certain mannerisms, the more I cover up certain defects, whether they're spiritual or mental, whether they're hygienic in any way, shape or form, the more disappointment I'm going to be to my future marriage partner. That's for sure. Because once you got him hooked, no more cover up. Then the spirit's alive. Here above all, we follow upon God's own idea of reward and punishment. Remember the rich young man who came to Christ? And he said, What should I do to save my soul? To have it? And Christ said, Keep the commandments. He said, I have from my youth. And then Christ said, If thou wilt be perfect, go tell what thou hast, and come follow me. And the scriptures tell us that the rich young man was very low spirited, because he had many possessions. He was unwilling to part with them, so he went his way. But it doesn't say he lost his soul. Undoubtedly, he gave his soul if he kept the commandments. Because that is the simple thing that God tells us. Keep the commandments. All this is extra. And to most of us, perhaps it's not given. And we must first get the basic concept before we can add the upper part of the spiritual life. In going to church, for example, I'm a member of a certain religion. I will continue to go if I go to please me, not to please someone else. That's the reason someone comes to me and says, Father, I'd like to become a Catholic. I'm going with some young Catholic fellow, and so I'd like to become a Catholic. I always say, Now wait a minute. Why do you want to become a Catholic? To please him? It won't work. Because nothing we do to please others has permanency in life. Whatever we do to please us, will have permanency. Now in regards to, for example, religion, there's two things, and I would like to inject this, because it is along the lines of self-love. There's two things that every child should make his own decision without undue influence in life. And that's how he should formally worship God, and whom he is to marry, or she is to marry. I believe formally. That the two choices, that the child should be unfettered, with pressure, or undue influence, is the choice of a partner for life, and the choice of his formal worship of God. Because after all, if I put the pressure, and he does what I want him to do, I lift the pressure, he goes back doing what he wants to do. Then now, in a life, it's not a matter of, it's not most important, that I say so for first. Because A.A., first of all, is for me. Now I am often told, that, gee father, it must be wonderful, the thousands, tens of thousands people, of whom you have helped, it must be wonderful to sit down and think about that. I don't dare let myself think about that. I'm only thinking of one fellow, that's me. I want to say so. I remember when I came to A.A., I was told that this is a give program. You give what you got, and if you want what you got, you get more of it by giving it away. And that's what I'm doing. That's how I maintain sobriety. If God uses me to help others, that's his business. That's nothing to me. Because I know I'm an alcoholic, and I'm not playing around with that element of pride, that is liable to lead me back to the stinking thing, that I had so many years ago. And therefore, everything I do in A.A., I am very conscious, that I'm doing it because it's best for me. I'm speaking to you tonight because it's best for me. Any 12-step call I might make, anyone who comes to see me with a problem, anything that I might write, I'm doing it for me, because it's best for me. Whether I'm doing it for myself, or I will go further than that someday, I'll be very honest with you, I have serious doubts. Because some people, the saints in life, have reached the plateau of actions in the spiritual life on the motive of the pure love of God. That's for them. I'll still stay on the low road, the road of security, the road that what I'm doing here now, I'm doing it because it's possibly the best for me. You know, God created us selfish for a purpose. If we weren't selfish, we wouldn't even care about saving our souls. We certainly wouldn't go out of our way to save our souls, unless we were selfish. And therefore, in A.A., I think all of us would have much more security. We would certainly have much more assurance that we would avoid that first thing if we sought sobriety for ourselves. If we go to meetings for meaning. If we speak at meetings for what we get out of it. Knowing that God will, in His mercy, also help others. But always remembering that God can write straight with crooked lines. And I know better than anybody else. If we practice the principles of A.A. for our ultimate benefit. If we give all things in A.A. because of what we will get from it. If we pray and meditate because of the benefit that comes to me. If we do all of our A.A. for us, we will be much more secure. And we will be much more happy. And paradoxically, we will help a thousand times more people. Because then we are simply putting ourselves out on a limb. Unhampered. Unfettered. And God can pick us up and use us for His will as He sees fit. It's the old story that Bishop Ritter told me many years ago. I didn't like it at the time. But after I have thought it over many, many times, I can see the depth of wisdom. And he told me, remember Ralph, he always called me by my first name because we used to be very good friends. And then we weren't and now we are. So, uh... But anyhow, he said, remember Ralph, one thing, that God will use us if we let Him. But He doesn't need it. And how true that is. If I do everything for myself, then God will use me as He sees fit. And then I'm fine. And then I'm positive that everything will be much more effective, much more efficient, and all contribute much more to His honor and glory, to my own sobriety and to the sobriety of all those with whom I come in contact. So therefore, in concluding, I'm going to save my soul for only one person. Not for you, or me. God created us this way. So instead of trying to reach the pedestal of pure love, let's be sure that we're on the first step. And let's be more sure that we can operate the same as David did. I have kept thy commandments, O God, because of the reward. And I'm going to tell you something very confidential. I've stayed sober seventeen years, seventeen years, because of the reward. Breathe the cement. May God love you all.