The Resentment That Kills More Alcoholics Than Alcohol – Charlie P.

Hi everybody, I'm Charlie Parker. I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic. It's good to be here. Thank you for that. It was a wonderful introduction. I hope I can live up to it. That was really neat meeting everybody in Gulf Shores and it's just a real honor to be be here i want to thank anybody that had anything to do with us being here lee and john picked us up at the airport and we've known lee for years and uh i've always admired you know we're big fans of the tapers and i hope to talk about that you know a little bit later and and you know but just i mean there's katie and i are very fortunate we get to move around a good bit and do a lot of talks and stuff and and there you know there's talks and then there's talk you know i mean and this this is one that youknow we were really looking forward to i mean this is you know this This is with some of our friends and some of our heroes and people that have been in our lives for a lot of years. Bob B. took me through a divorce when I was four and a half years sober. He's one of the first people I ever heard who was talking about having significant problems in sobriety. I'd never heard that before. It seemed like everybody else came through those doors and just been caring and sharing ever since. That wasn't what my experience was. And, you know, and then Bob D is a dear friend of ours. And just right down the line, every one of the speakers, Doug and Carla, and it's kind of funny, though, because, you Know, Doug talked about being 68. I mean, I'm 56. I've been in AA half my life. We've got Sandy here. And I'm starting to notice some things are happening a little differently as we get a little older and different things happen that are funny. And last night, one of the things that Doug and I have in common is that we both like hot peppers. We like spicy food. We like hot stuff. And, you know, we just about killed ourselves at a Mexican restaurant in L.A. one night before Katie was talking at the Pacific Group. But anyway, you Know what I mean? I like them to the point where I carry a jar of ghost pepper around in my, probably some of you may know, You know, it's like one of the hottest peppers in the world right there with the Trinidad scorpion and the ghost pepper. And so I like hot stuff, and so does Doug. So anyway, we're sitting there, and we're having dinner last night, and it's Doug and Carla and Bob and Linda and me and Katie, and wir'e all sitting there. And I lean over to Doug, and I said, I brought some dehydrated powdered ghost pepper with me, you know, and he goes, what? What? And I looked at him, and I had to lean close. My voice was not the best. And so I had leaned over to him. I go, I brought some ghost pepper if you want to put it on. He goes, oh, I thought you said powdered goat pecker. I had the cover of my face. I was laughing so hard. He was saying, can't you just see him going back to L.A. and going, had some powdered goat pecker at the conference this weekend. Charlie Parker carries it around in his pocket, you know. Oh, my God. You just can't make that kind of stuff up. But my sobriety day is March 22nd of 1985, and my home group is the Primary Purpose Group in Austin, Texas. is Myers is my sponsor now. Before that, Mark Houston was my sponsor until he passed away. And Katie is my wife and best friend and my partner in sobriety, and she's the best adhering inventory of anybody I've ever heard. And I'm going to talk about her some tonight, but the level of involvement we've had in AA in the past 10 or 11 years has just really been phenomenal, and I'm a very, very lucky man. you know it's kind of funny I'm going to get killed for telling this story but I saw that a lot of the money from this thing is going to Dr. Bob's house and we're sober 28 years now and we're supposed to be spiritual but we're also, we've got a background and Katie and I were best friends for 20 years before we were ever a couple, I mean I was at her wedding she was married for 20 years and we were really like like, you know, brother and kid sister. And there was no innuendo, no flirtation, none of that stuff for 20 years. And then her husband got sick and passed away, and she caught me in a weak moment and made a pass at me. And so we've been a couple for 10 years. But we've also just, you Know, been on fire with AA. And, You know, down in this fourth picture, there's a picture of Dr. Bob's house. And so we're up in, I had to go on business to someplace in Columbus, Ohio. I think it was. We were pretty close to Akron. So we drive up to Akroon and we go to Dr. Bob's house. And I've always been into history and traditions and a lot of respect for the people that came before me in this program and that sort of thing. I still do. And I like to collect a little A memorabilia. So we go To Dr. Bob's House. And we're there on a Thursday and there's nobody else there. You know, I mean, there's like a guy down in the basement and there's us, and we're upstairs, and we're in the room, and Katie and I are upstairs, and we walk into the bedroom, and it just gave me goosebumps, because you're thinking, you know, this is the room where Ann and Dr. Bob Smith slept and experienced all this stuff, and there was a little rug right by the floor, and there's Bob's medical bag on the middle of the bed, and I thought, you Know, this was where Dr. Bob prayed in the morning to get on his knees. So I turned to Katie in this very special special moment. And I go, honey, do you want to, and I'm thinking maybe the third super, she goes, we can't do it on Dr. Bob's bed. I'm like, that is not what I was thinking about. Oh, that was sacrilege. Oh my God. We had a lot of fun in sobriety. And I tell you, I was telling Carla, if you can't have fun in this group, you're You're fouling the deal up. I mean, this is an awful lot of fun. And I like the Woodstock format of conferences because we get to talk about the steps. And my job tonight is to talk About the Fourth and Fifth Step, and Sandy said it last night when they said, you know, we talk about our understanding of the fourth step and I talk about my current understanding of The Fourth Step. I might feel differently about the fourth steppe, you now, a year from now. Howard tried real hard to straighten me out last night. But, you know, I'm just going to talk about the way I look at it now. And, you Know, it's funny because in my old understanding of the steps was different. I had one of the things interesting about my story, if any of it is, is that I had my most significant spiritual awakening 17 years in sobriety. And I was in a plane crash flying from eastern Long Island back into New York City and we crashed in the water at night. And it's no Earl Hightower story, but it was pretty dramatic as far as I was concerned. And it was the beginning of a spiritual awakening for me. And I'd had one understanding of the steps for a long time. And then I've had a different understanding in the last ten years. And it has been evolving. I mean, I sponsor differently these days than I did five years ago or three years ago. And there are guys that I'm doing inventory with now. Now, there's a guy I took through the steps eight years ago that I know had a different experience than the guys I'm taking through the steps now because, you know, it's just hopefully that, I mean, I love. I was talking to Sandy one time and he had 42 years of sobriety at the time and he told me straight up, he said, I've learned more in the last three years than I did in the first 39 years. And thank God for that. You know, because the book says the most satisfying years of our existence lie ahead of us. You know? And thank God it doesn't say kind of peters out around ten years, you know? You know or something. I mean, it's like we keep growing. And, you Know, I was riding along with a sponsor one time and he goes, You know I hear you guys talking about seeing all this new stuff in the book and, You know what, it just makes me wonder, You Know, what am I missing today? And I go, Yeah. And he goes I know it can't be anything big. And I was like, really? You know that? Yeah. Well, we'll see. But my first understanding of the steps was fairly simple, and it was basically I got this problem with alcohol and I can't manage it. God's going to help me with it. And one of the biggest mistakes I see being made in AA is going right from are you willing to believe that God can help you with this thing, and if you say yes or I'm willing to at least try it, then we go right to the third step prayer, get down on our knees and do the third step and start writing inventory. That was my experience the first time through the steps. So I'm writing the inventory. I don't really know what my real problem is. I don'T know what I'M supposed to be looking for in the fourth step. I DON'T know why I'M doing it, but I figure I'M going to feel better after I do this, and then if I feel better, I WON'T have to drink, you know, something like that. So I get a six and seven, just kind of phone that one in, you KNOW. And then this probably doesn'T happen in Florida, But that was my experience, you know, in Texas. And then 8 and 9 I'm going to go out so I won't run into anybody that will make me feel bad. And then I won'T have to drink. And then, you Know, 10 I'll do if I really foul up. And 11, You know, I've got a lot to do. I don't really have time for that. And then 12. And, you know, like a lot of our stuff, it worked for me right up until it quit working. And I went through a period in sobriety that was pretty flat. That's being very generous of that period of untreated alcohol. It was untreated, what I call meeting-based sobriete. I was just going to the meetings. And the book does a brilliant job of describing what the root of my problem is or what my problem in alcoholism is, There's this physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession that make me, this hopeless state of mind and body that make my powerless. I have a mental condition that makes me so uncomfortable that I'm eventually going to need relief and I'll take a drink and that when I take that drink it's going to trigger a physical allergy that I can't control. And so I can'T control my drinking when I start and I can'T stop starting. And that's this terrible cycle that the book talks about. And then we roll into the power. This time, though, I'm going back through the steps. Now, my job is to do the fourth step tonight. You know, and it says, it's interesting, it starts here on page 64. And it talks about it, but I want to go back because there's a line where it says being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us. We considered its common manifestations. Well, when did I become convinced that itself was what it defeated me? me because this first this next time through the steps when i got to page 60 i'm reading along and it's after that a b and c you know a that we're alcoholic could not manage our own lives be that no human power could relieve our alcoholism and see that god could and would if he were sought and that's when people started chanting like a bunch of kids at summer camp for some reason you know i uh i don't have much time for a rant on chanting but i just if you're new it's optional You know, you don't have to do it. I mean, when I came in, they'd do the Lord's Prayer and it was like, keep coming back. Okay, all right, you know, keep going. Then it was, keep Coming Back, it works. And then it was Keep Coming Back. It works if you work it and you're worth it, so work it. And you're like, oh, for God's sake. You know what I mean? You know. I always picture the new guy coming in going, geez, I kind of want to stop drinking whiskey, but do I really have to go through this whole shaving a haircut too big? I said I didn't have time for that, didn't I? But you go down here and it says we're going to turn our will and life over to the care of God as we understand Him. The book is full of what I call fair questions. Fair questions for the new guy to ask me. If I'm taking him through the steps and I'm telling him you're goingto turn your will and your life over to the carer of God, it would be a fair question for him to say just what do you mean by that and what do You want me to do? I don't get it, you know, when you tell me turn my will and my life over the carers of God. Well, there's a heavy line after that that I think must have only been in the fourth edition. Because I didn't see it for a long time. Because when we went right from are you willing to believe to let's do the third step prayer and get you right in inventory, I missed this body of work that takes place from pages 60 to 63. And it's really not very important. It's just the root of our problem and the basis of my recovery for the rest of my life. Other than that, skip it. You know, and the line that hit me hard, the one I want to touch on is it says the first requirement. There's a requirement in step three. And it says that I'll be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. What? I remember seeing that and going, not only have I never been convinced of that, that line has never touched me. We've never had that conversation. conversation. I never talked about my life run on self-will. In fact, if you followed me around, you would know this is a guy that's not convinced that his life run on self will. In effect, you would think here's a guy that's pretty convinced that now that the alcohol's off of him, he's got it from here. Right? You know, and I am always in collision with something or somebody on that basis. On the basis, I love the dictionary. I'm a big book guy. I'm an unapologetic, big book thumper. You know, it was funny. I was talking out at the treatment center one day and I was talking about the turning point. And I said, you know, this is in every meeting. We stood at the turning part. And I asked, do you ever ask yourself where the turning point is? And I was like, it's on page 20. I said it's right there on page 25 which says go on to the bitter end or accept spiritual help. But I did like that and I went, I'll return. You know I've been accused of being a big book thumpper for years. But to my knowledge, that's the first time I've ever actually thumped it. You know? And the guys in the treatment center were unamused. You know, when do we smoke, you know? But so we go on and it says, because it says on the basis, and they use the dictionary a lot, and basis means the fundamental principle of something or the underlying foundation of something. And when the fundamental principle that my life is based on is that I'm running this thing and I got it, you know, it says I'm almost always in collision with something or somebody even though my motives were good. And it goes on to talk about that a lot. And then there on 62 it goes into this thing about selfishness, self-centeredness is the root of my problem. And then down in the next paragraph it says, above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. The book takes a right turn right here that I missed for 17 years, you know, because it says Mark Houston was the first one to look me right in the eye and said, what do the words above everything mean to you? It doesn't say above everything we should stop drinking vodka. It's saying that above everything, I've got to be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. Vodka never was my problem. Vodka was the only thing I'd ever found that would solve the level of discomfort that comes into me as a result of trying to live a life based completely on self-will and self-obsession. And the book does a beautiful job of describing that in 60 to 63. And then it gets over there, and so by that time when we get to the Thursday, we make a deal with God where it says we're going to quit playing God. And then, you know, Doug or Sandy last night talked about the terms. You know, that God doesn't make too hard terms on those that seek him. And the terms are right here on page 63. It says we had a new employer being all-powerful. That's his job. He'll provide what I need under two conditions. Stay close to him and perform his work well. All right? That's my deal. That's My Fallback. My default position is that I'm out of the God business, stay close to him, perform his work well, he'll handle the other stuff. I've got to tell you, in the years I've been doing it, God's been doing a really kick-ass job of holding up his end of the deal. The past ten years have been pretty dreamy. I hope I have time to talk about it. But he says, established on such a footing or basis, now this new basis is that God's going to take care of all that stuff. Well, then we go on. So by now the third step prayer has got some meat on the bone. You know what I'm saying? The first time I said, relieve me of the bondage of self, it just sounded like some churchy talk. You know, I mean, you know, it didn't resonate in me. Now I know what they're talking about. And even then it says that I may better do his will. Take away my difficulties. Why? So I can chill and, you know, hang out. No, it says so that victory over them would bear witness to those I'd help. Well, okay, so given that, it's in next we launched out on a course of vigorous action. I used to think the course of vigorous action was the fourth step. My current belief is that the courseof vigorousaction is four through nine. it says the first step of which is a personal house cleaning because in order to make good on the terms of this deal where it says stay close to him and perform his work well i can't stay closeto god until i get close to god and i can get closeto God if i'm blocked right i mean you know some of these problems things that they throw at me in the meeting where they'll go you You know, just turn it over or acceptance is the key or, you know, let go and let God. You know what I mean? You know when you've just broken up with your girlfriend and she's sitting at the 530 meeting across the room with Swing and Richard and they're both, you Know, grinning at you. You know I don't need to turn it Over. You know? I mean lack of power is my dilemma. I can't do that. You know What I Mean? When you say just let go, I want to smack you in the face. You know, because that doesn't sound like the answer, because I'm blocked. When we talk about having intuitive knowledge of God's will, if I'm blocked, God could be sitting here in this chair with a bullhorn and I can't hear him, you know? He's going, Charlie, Charlie. Hold on. And I'm going, shut up. I'm busy, you Know? And for me, the way it shows up is I go, don't give me that AA crap. I got a serious problem here, you Now? Am I the only one that that's their default position? For some reason, there's something in me that makes me think that I can get myself a little bit better deal than God's going to give me. Am Ithe only onethat feels like God's will is going to be a littlebit of a jip? Really? Send that check to the IRS? Really? Tell the truth? I mean, I think that's why in that thing that Sandy read on page 100, I used to close talks out with it. And I'd read it a bunch of times where it says, both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. When we persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we see that the things that came to us when we placed ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. It was a long time before I saw the thing that says when we look black. back. Because on the front end, it looks like a ripoff, right? Surely you don't mean to say that, you know? I mean, but it's when I look back, when I go all in on this deal and I look back and I go, you know, it's funny. I used to spend all my time worrying about money and work and stuff. I'm in the construction business. Now it seems like I try to stay close to God and sponsor as many guys as I can. And I'm flush for the first time in In my life, I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in. I'm happier than I've never been. And it seems like most of my energy is focused on God and drugs. To me, when it says stay close to him and perform his work well, for me it seems to be working with drugs. I'm like a knucklehead magnet, you know. And I love every one of them, you Know. I'm not half as that. Katie sponsors, no exaggeration, about 50 women. If it may be, sometimes I have to write inventory on how much inventory she hears. You know, I walk in and go, well, there's a big surprise. Katie's on the phone, you know. Didn't see that coming. You know. But, you Know, 6,000 minutes a month on the cell phone. But one of my heroes. Well, so when we get into this fourth step, because now it's saying this course of vigorous action. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step. And, you Now, I don't know how much we're going to be able to cover here this morning. but I am grateful for one thing. You know, Doug had time restrictions last night, Sandy has, and Howard ran up against some time restrictions during his. But the way I look at the schedule, Carla didn't go on until 2 o'clock, so in these next three hours we should be able to cover a lot of ground, you know, so get comfortable. No, we're just going to cover what we can cover. But it says this third step decision was vital And crucially, it can have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to do what? To face and be rid of the things in myself which have been blocking me. This is triage. This is spiritual triage, I say all the time. I use a picture of a pipeline a lot of times where I draw this pipe and I've got me on one end and the power on the other. and my pipe is clogged up with resentment and fear and shame and guilt and remorse and worry and envy and all those things that come from thinking the way I think. And what we're going to try to do in this strenuous effort is at least remove enough of what's blocking me that there can be some flow of grace between me and this power. We've got a little bitty window of opportunity between the time I hit bottom and say I'm never going to drink again again to the time you that's how much time you got to get me in touch with the power you know because i'm the guy that says i'm never i swear to god i'm ever going to drink again and i drink again so you gotto get me into touch with this power well now step one drives everything this this knowing how powerless i am but later when we get into it the bedevilments on page 52 seem to be what drives me because us you know and is everybody familiar with what the bedevil wants it says we're having trouble with our personal relationships we couldn't control our emotional natures we were a prey to misery and depression couldn't make a living had a feeling of uselessness i was full of fear i was unhappy i couldn't seem to be a real help to other people was not a basic solution now watch for that word basic in the big book bill was real fond of it you know it's like you know like where it says our troubles of our own making and it says our troubles are basically of our own making. This underlying principle of life is what's causing all these problems. My foundation, my default operation is what it's causing. And it says it was not a basic solution to these bedevilments. It's more important. What keeps me in the work now isn't that I'm, I mean, drinking's there, but I don't want to live in those bedevilsments again in sobriety. You know, that just scares the crap out of me because I never know, you know, If this is a spiritual connection and this is the compulsion to drink returning, thinking that I know where I lie in that area implies a level of control of this disease that I don't possess. I mean, I could be over here with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a .45 in my hand and I think I'm just a little off the mark. My friend Danny says, I may be out in the weeds, but as long as I can still see the broad highway, I think I'm doing okay. You know, a little rough out here, but I think i'm okay. You know? So, but listen to what it says. Therefore, we started on this personal inventory and talks about regular inventory. I'm a believer in ongoing inventory, and I do inventory pretty regularly. And it's just taking this commercial inventory as a fact-finding and a fact facing process. I'm going to talk about that a little bit in the fifth step, but that line has taken on a lot of significance to me, the fact-finding and fact-facing. In case I forget to say, I should warn you, I've said I've got some pretty serious attention problems up here when I'm talking. There are times where I'll say we're going to get back to that later. And what that means is this is not the appropriate time in the talk to introduce that piece of information. But when I tell you we're going to get back to it later, we're probably not coming back. You know? I get real excited when we actually circle back around to one. You know, I'm like... So, I better cover that fact-finding and fact-facing now. I've come to believe now that when I'm here in inventory, you know, I'm going to have to mix four and five together as we're gone through it because I was talking to my friend Rich Brie from maryland one time and i said we were talking about i said katie is the best adhering inventory of anybody i've ever seen and and he said you know it's funny there's a time when you could have said that to me and it wouldn't have made any sense to me because you know how you know because my thought was my job here in a fifth step was for them to read their fourth step to me and how can anybody be better than that now she is a better listener than i am and i got a great Great story to go with that. But now I think my job is the fact-finding, and their job is the fact facing. I like to do the fourth column or whatever you want to call that body of work on page 67. I like it. I like doing that with the guy that's doing inventory because I think it's a stretch to think that he's capable of seeing it from an entirely different angle or being able to recognize his delusion and self-centeredness and that sort of thing. But back to that thing about Katie being a better listener than I am, Chris Schroeder is a good friend of mine from New new jersey and we're and katie and i were doing a workshop up to wilson house up in vermont where bill was born and uh this woman comes up to katie she says i'd like to talk to you after the meeting and they go over next and it happens everywhere she goes i mean knee-to-knee knee-To-Knee knee to knee i mean it's in uh and so she's over there and she's knee-TO-Knie with this woman this woman is talking and katy is right there i mean you know the woman is talking in case nodding her head like this and she does like thisand i go chris chris come here i go check this out and he goes what? And I go, watch Katie listen. And we're sitting there and we're watching and I go, I don't know how to do that. And he leans over and he goes, I didn't even know how to look like I'm doing that. You know? You know, because by now your story has reminded me of a story of mine and my story is much more interesting than your story. We call that story stealing but But as a manifestation of self, because, you know, and here's the line I'm leading all this up to. It says, whoa, it says, being convinced that self, what I'm saying is my focus in the work, this whole thing about self has changed my whole focus in The Work because it seems like the way the book is laying it out in my current understanding is that selfishness is the root of my problem And that above everything, we've got to be rid of this self. And it says, being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us. And I like to turn these statements into questions. Am I convinced? When I read that line, am I convinced that Self manifested in Various Ways is what had defeated us? Or is it just a line out of the book? Does that resonate in here? Am I convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated me? If I'm convinced of that, it says we considered its common manifestations. So its is self. And if I'm confused that self is the problem, we're going to consider, and when you read it like that, what the fourth step is, is a consideration of common manifestations of self. We're back to another fair question for the new guy to ask. When I'm telling you that self is the problem, Scott, and he goes, okay, I don't get it. How? What? I mean, I Don't Understand What You're Talking About. What Am I Looking For? What Does It Do? And then it says, well, resentment's the number one offender as a manifestation of self. How does self show up? It says the number on offender is resentment. It kills more alcoholics than anything else, even alcohol. It's saying that resentment kills more Alcoholics than Anything else might be worth considering, you know, you Know, so we go on and it says from it stem all forms of Spiritual disease and this is the first place in book where It really mentions the spiritual malady and I don't Know some of these things if you argue about two-fold disease threefold diseases it's kind of like arguing about you know recovered recovering or or you know some of the things that you know we have our heroes i always say that in aa the problem is whenever we form a firing squad we always form a circle you know so you know we got some of our got someofour strongest members picking each other off for you know is it recovered recoveringor is it you know i am twelve and twelve big book you know and And that sort of thing, you know, but it's saying I think it's a threefold illness, you know. And some people say it's physical and mental. I think there's a spiritual malady that drives the mental obsession, that drives me into a place of need and so much relief that I can't think about the consequences that it made me drink again. So then it goes on. And now back on page 25, the book promised me clear-cut directions. It says further on, clear- cut directions are given showing how we recovered. covered and here comes these clear-cut directions i'm going to have to move through this stuff but it says we listed people in dealing with resentments we set them on paper we listed people institution or principles with whom we were angry bam stop right there write down people i'm mad at you know and it's a vertical list i used to look at this page 65 and go i don't get it you know well it goes down like this i write down my dad you know into my mom and my sister and my ex-girlfriend and my ex- girlfriend and my ex girlfriend and you know and that stuff and then it goes back column two it says we ask ourselves why we're angry what happened I've been telling this story for years you know telling you who I'm mad at and what they did to me this is not hard you know but then it goes into in most cases found that our self esteem our pocket books our ambitions And, you know, we're hurt or threatened, so we were sore, we were burned up, we were pissed off. It doesn't say that. I'm paraphrasing. But it says on our grudge list was set in the opposite of our injuries, was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions? And that's the third column that's listed here on page 65. We were usually as definite as this example, right? And, well, we go back through our lives. And then there's interesting, when it gets over here, it says 66 is where it really gets interesting this is a life-threatening page it says about five or six times on this page this stuff will kill you you know and you know you know subtle little lines like we found that it is fatal you know yeah but but it goes in this thing to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got and then we you know to convenient to the usual outcomes people kept kept wronging me, I'd stay pissed off. But the more I fight and try to have my own way, the worse matters. It says, as in war, the victor only seemed to win. I got a new example of that. I was in a patent infringement lawsuit last year and it cost me $60,000 to prove I was right. And at the end, I was like, yeah? You know, it's like, well, the victors only seem to win here. You know, and then he goes on about this life that includes deep resentment. Any life which includes deep resumption leads to futility and happiness. But to us, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience. It's my only shot. Maintenance and growth in a spiritual experiment. It's fatal. And then he talks about being shut off from the sunlight of the spirit, sanity of drink returns, and we drink again, and for us to drink is to die. if we were to live. So this is really only applicable to the ones of us that want to live, you know, the rest. And then it says, we turn back to the list for it held the key to the future. This is an interesting piece and the reason I like to step on this piece is because it's not in a lot of the four-step guides that I've seen, you know? When we're turning back to this list and it says it held the key of the future and that kind of interesting. Can you imagine Imagine if I stood up here tonight, like I knew what I was talking about, and I said, I hold in my hands the key to your future. Would you go, ah, never mind? You know, I'm going out, you know. But I skipped right over this piece of work for a long time, you now. And it says we turn back to the list where it held the key of the future. Now, this is what I like to call the sick man exercise or this was our course. but it says we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle, the list. And I'll stop and ask you guys, are you willing to look at this from an entire different angle? Because you've been looking at this deal with your dad like that for 40 years. And if he says yeah, it says, we began to see that the world and its people really dominated us in that state, the wrongdoing of others had the power to kill how could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but we couldn't wish them away any more more than alcohol over and over in the book they lay out the problem here's how it affects you oh and by the way you can't do a darn thing about it you know it's just that's over and over in a book here's the problem Here's how to fix you and on your own power you're stuck like Chuck you know so it says this was our course our founders people wrote this book they realize that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. You know, I've had some different understandings of that, because it doesn't really serve me well to be able to go, oh, bless his pointed little head. In Texas you can say the most vicious stuff in the world about somebody if you follow it up with, bless their heart. She's just a little angry moron, bless her heart. You know, I mean, this and that condescending energy of realizing that the people who were wrong with me or perhaps spiritually sick didn't help me. But then it says, though we didn't like their symptoms, column two, or the way they disturbed me, column three, they, like me, are sick too. See, back in the book, it talks about our motives, that even though my motives are good, that I'm always in collision. When I foul up, I take all my behavior and I run it through this funnel. One side of it is my motives, right? I wasn't trying to make everybody mad at me. You ever try to do something for your home group that makes you know everybody's pissed off at you? And you're going, hey, I wasn'T trying to do this or that. I was just trying to Do that. And then I've also got this delusion that if everybody just do like I say, it'd be Charlie-topia. Everybody'd be helpful. So when I run my actions through this funnel, when they come out the bottom, the worst I'm ever going to give myself is about an A-. Now, when you screw up, it's an outrage and I demand justice. I don't think about your motives or your delusion or what was driving you or your background or your lack of dealage or just quote our buddy Chris. You know what I mean? But it's just an outrage. But for me, so am I willing to look at this person as somebody that's doing the best they can with the tools they've got and the background they have. They weren't even trying to do this to me. What if now when I say they like me were sick too, it's two people suffering from the same condition. So now I can feel this person on a different level. And I'm telling you there's some powerful stuff in the writing of the inventory. But where I've seen some real freedom, Mark Houston one time said the fourth column turns the second column into a lie. And the first time he said that, I was like, I don't get it. You know, I mean, the second volume is real. I saw it happen. That's why I'm mad. I mean I know that this happened. You can't just – I picked up an inventory the other day. I was going through one of my books with so much stuff in it and there was an inventory from about a year ago with some really pressing issues. I don't remember what any of them are, but I remember looking at this inventory, and I'm going down the second column, and it was straight-up BS, top to bottom. Every one of them was delusional and not real, you know? But, boy, they were real that day, you Know? I'm sure, you Now, so now when we're looking at things, you Know, and It says, We ask God to help us show that. Here's a prayer. The prayer in the resentment is not saying pray for the people I resent. I'm praying for me. It says, ask God to help me show them this tolerance and compassion like I would grant somebody that was sick. I always say it's kind of like if somebody had Tourette's syndrome and they cussed at me, I'd go, oh, you know, well, let's see. But now if it's Katie, it's like that hockey player throwing the gloves on the ice. You know, here we go. And so we go on and it says, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? So anyway, we go along and it say, we avoid retaliation or argument. argument we wouldn't treat sick people that way if we do we destroy our chance of being helpful even if this guy at the home group sees things differently if i've called him some of my favorite cuss words um i'm not the guy he's going to come to when he starts seeing things differently i've destroyed my chance of Being Helpful and then we go back to now i don't care whether you call this the fourth column the fifth column the expanded third column the 18th column you know it's just this body of work that we do on page 67 where it says putting out of referring to our list again putting out in our mind the wrongs others have done we resolutely looked and resolutely means determined with a fixed purpose we resolutely looked for our own mistakes though a situation hadn't been entirely our fault we tried to disregard the other person entirely mark used to say if i've only got 20 of a beef with somebody i got to take 100 ownership of that 20 because if you know there's a thing in the amends where it says this your man's sure to be impressed by sincere desire to set right the wrong i gotta be sure that's present in every amends i do because otherwise i'll go in and go okay here's what i'm thinking i'll go to doug and i've already got about this much of this beef between us but i think if i I apologize for my piece. That's going to pave the way for him to come with his piece, which is much bigger than mine. But, you know, and have you ever done one of those where when you finish they go, well, I'm glad you saw that. And you're going, really? You got nothing? You know, I mean, that's when I know I didn't have that sincere desire to set right the wrong in place, you Know. So we keep going, and in this fourth column it says, Where had I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? And one of the things that Mark taught us was that there's three forms of dishonesty. Because when I'd look for dishonesty, I wouldn't always get it. He goes, Well, there's four forms of dissonance. He goes There's lying. I didn't do much of that, even in untreated alcoholism. there's lying by omission. Oops. Well, now, you know, what's the difference? I mean, it's okay to put a little hair on a story, you know, from time to time. You know, that's not really lying, you know, but I mean lying by omission and then the last one was delusion and delusion is where I'm lying to myself. That exploded the dishonesty category for me because now I found myself I'm doing inventory on a new guy one day. I had this sponsee that was driving me up the wall. Paul, you know, he procrastinates. He commits to doing exercises and then he won't do them. He says, I'm going to meet you at 5 o'clock. And he no-shows and he calls at the last meeting and all that stuff. And I'm writing an inventory. I'm wondering, here's how it affected me and my ambitions and my, you know, and all this stuff. And then I get to the fourth column and under dishonesty I look at delusion and I go, Charlie, is it possible that it's delusional for you to expect this new guy not to act like a new guy? You know? You know, I mean, you've written the definition of a newcomer. You know what I mean? Are you waiting for a better class of newcomer to come through the door? You know who's the old-timer here? See how delusion really starts kicking in. But a lot of times I can't see this fourth column on my own. That's why I like to sit down with the guy. And because in, well, one time, to give you an example of the power of this fourth column, one time I had a guy, Roy, and he told me I could tell this story. He'd been mad at his dad for 40 years. Dad, you know, column two. He told me that my mom died. And what had happened was there was, the mom had committed suicide in a small town in Texas one day. Dad's coming in the door and walks right past Roy and says, your mom killed herself today, and goes on in the house. And Roy's like, how could anybody be that heartless, that thoughtless, that inconsiderate, and that sort of thing? So we do the sick man prayer. You'll notice that that sick man exercise, or whatever you want to call it, is cleverly wedged between the third column and the fourth column to move me spiritually into a place of being able to look at it from an entirely different angle. all so now i said are you ready to look at this from an entirely different angle he goes yeah so i go on my fact-finding and fact-facing mission katie's the one that taught me to be like a news reporter sometimes when i'm hearing inventory i'm talking as much as they are or i'm going okay now so now where were you living when this happened and were your parents still together and how many kids were in your family and what kind of work did your dad do and how was the money situation in the house and how is everybody getting along you know and that sort of thing and I start gathering intuitive thought. And then I find myself and I'm going, so let me get this straight. Are you willing to consider? I said, when we go back to this person who's perhaps spiritually sick, I said did you ever consider that your dad, now he's been married to a woman with mental illness, a history of mental illness. And over the years she's tried several times to harm herself. And he's being treated like a child. He's been living in a house full of hell and he's trying to hold it together with these three kids. She's tried to hurt herself before. and but on this day she has successfully killed herself because i said how old is your dad you know late 30s i said now he's got to come home he's going to face the community and tell him in this little lockhart texas that his wife committed suicide he's gonna call all the kinfolk and tell them that they've got to plan a funeral and that's you know she's passed away that sort of thing he's gotta figure out how to raise three children and make a living is it possible that on that day given his history his background and his tools for dealing with life is it possible that walking by you and saying your mom killed herself was the best he could possibly do that day and while he's sitting there And he goes, it never occurred to me for a second. That's the level of self-centeredness I carry around. That's a level of Self-Obsession I care about. It never occurred him for a SECOND what his dad was dealing with on that day. All he thought about was how it affected him. And I sat there and I watched a 40 year old resentment go just like that. I've seen it happen over and over again. And my favorite thing to hear when I'm doing a fourth column with the guy is to hear him go, oh, my God. You know, where they go, am I really? You know there's one guy in California we were going through the work and after about four of these, you know, on the fourth he goes, you know Charlie, I'm really a pretty nice guy. You know what I mean? I'm looking awful in this fourth column but I mean that's what you know we're over and over again. and I'm able to see this from an entirely different angle. And that's where the magic takes place is when somebody can sit there and in that fourth calm, all of a sudden this thing goes poof, and they go, Jesus, I've been waiting 40 years for him to come make amends to me. I've got to go find my dad tomorrow and apologize to him for treating him like crap for 40 years because what I thought happened on that day 40 years ago. It's amazing work, and it was never a piece of the body of work that I did for a long time. I love that whole sick man exercise and this work that we're talking about doing on page 67. Well, when we roll after that on page67, it says, notice that there's three inventories in the four-step that we do as manifestations of self. Remember, we go back to the thing where it said being convinced that self was what had defeated me. How does it manifest? Well, we just covered resentment. And then it says, notice that the word fear is bracketed alongside all these difficulties. It says, this short word somehow touches every aspect of our life. It was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. But at Primary Purpose Group, we have about, on a Tuesday night, we have About 200 People studying the big book in Austin. It's incredible. It tells me that real alcoholics are hungry for a real solution. I mean, because there was a time that meeting would have not sounded interesting to me. You know, but one of the things we do, we've always got a 1936 Webster's Dictionary. If you want to see what a word means or what it meant at the time that the book was written, we'll look it up and some words have changed in meaning dramatically from the 30s to now you know meditation is a big one but for some reason we're doing this thing and we read that the fabric for our existence is shot through with it well i'm a competitive shotgun shooter katie and i both we you know we we shoot in shotgun tournaments and you know were at the world championships last weekend and i figure i know what shot means i'm taking a piece of fabric you know it's shot through with fear or something but for some reason i hear myself this night go look up fear so he looks up fear and it's what we call a cheech and chong moment you know where he reads the definition he goes a method of weaving using warp and web where the fabric takes on a different appearance based on the viewpoint of the observer and the reason i call it cheechandchong moment is because the whole group goes He goes, whoa. Because now it's saying that not only is fear woven through the fabric of my existence, but it can also change the way things look based on how I'm looking at them. When I'm driven by fear, things look a lot different. And it's funny. We were talking about this last night. Now, most of the four-step guides I've seen, I've see a lot of four-stepped guides where the resentment and the fear look exactly the same. The way I'm reading the book today, it looks to me like it says, we reviewed our fears thoroughly, right? We asked ourselves why we had them. And that's two columns. We could go as far as saying, it says wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? You can write that down, but really what I do is when I have them write a fear inventory, I have him write down everything they're afraid of. And then I write, you know, we ask ourselves why we had them. Then the answer is given to us. It says, well, I did it because self-reliance failed us. Remember, we're looking for manifestations of self. And it's saying in here that what, you Know, and it's a very interesting exercise I do in a fear laboratory with people. It's interesting to me. Katie doesn't find it that interesting. But, you know, when I do a fear inventory with a guy, I'll go, okay, now write down all these things you're afraid of. I'm afraid of going broke. I'm worried of getting cancer. I'm a afraid of Katie getting sick. I'm afriad of not having a successful relationship. I'm fraid of how my kids are going to grow up. I'm affraid, I'm fraid, I am afraid, I m afraid right down the line. I'm frayed of being made fun of. I'm arfraid of being disrespected. I am afraid of, you kno, right down on the line and then it says we ask ourselves why we had him. But what's funny is when it says, wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Remember, we were talking about this basis of self, of me running the show. Well, it's funny. I call it the fear sphere. And when I'm looking at the things in my life that I can control, there's this little ball of things that I actually have control over, what I'm going to have for lunch, you know, that sort of thing. Obviously, I can't control it that well. Well, but it usually winds up a little bigger than I thought it was going to be. But there are things that I have control over. And on the basis of self-will, those things don't scare me. But there Are Things That Fall Outside That Sphere Of Control That I Can't Control. And I know at some level that on the base of self will, I can't control these things. So when we go back down the fear list and I go, okay, cancer, is that inside your area of control or outside your area of control? Outside. How are your kids going to turn out? Outside. You know, whether I'm going to go broke? Outside. Whether I'm gonna get sick? Outside, you know, and then you'll write down the list and so I look at nearly all these things that I'm afraid of is because I'm on the basis of self-reliance and I can't control these things, right? So what do we do about it? It says perhaps there's a better way. We think so, we being them, the people that wrote this book, for they're now on a different basis. There's that word basis again. The basis of trusting and relying upon God. Hmm. We trust infinite God rather than our finite self. Now I've got somebody to handle the things that are outside my ball of control. old it ties right back to the deal we made in third step that i'm gonna quit playing god and then i'm out of the god business when these things come up i know that when i start worrying about money when i started worrying about how long i'm going to live my sponsor dropped dead at 63 years old i'm still rattled by it you know i mean i um but when i Start worrying about that stuff i know i'm getting back into management you know and i made a deal in step three that i am no longer in management you know part of the way i play god is i think i know how long i'm supposed to live how much money i'm exposed to have who's supposed to be in my life who's not supposed to be in life when somebody's supposed to die when some you know all that stuff and now i've made this deal to quit doing that and so now it says just to the extent that we do as god as we think god would have us do and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity and he goes It goes on to say, instead we let God demonstrate through us what he can do. Demonstrate is another word we looked up one night, and it's amazing. You know what demonstrate means? It says to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt. To prove to the point that the opposite viewpoint is rendered absurd. And we're like, what? So now it's saying that we're going to let God illustrate through us what he's going to do. It's saying that he's going to prove that this God-reliance deal, he's gonna prove it beyond the shadow of a doubt. Prove it to the point that self-reluence is rendered absurd. I wish it stuck for a little longer, you know? I mean, you Know, because I can be convinced of it. We talk a lot in my... The best AMI I've ever been to is at my house on Thursday nights. It started off as Mark Houston and me and all my sponsors. A lot of times the topic is current agnosticism. We'll talk about what are the areas of your life that you're not bringing God into. What are the áreas of your Life that you still think you can do a little bit better job of managing than God can do? And it's rampant. Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. You know what overhaulings mean? To examine thoroughly. It says, but above all we try to be sensible. It's going to talk about the spirit we take in the sex inventory. We're trying to be sensible on this question. We find human opinions running to extremes. One center voice says this and that, and then it says they see its significance there. One school would allow a man no flavor, another one a straight pepper diet, like ghost pepper, you know. But it says, you Know, but what can we do about them? We all have sex problems. You know, it's kind of funny. You know Doug touched on that thing about don't have sex in the first year of sobriety. I finally had a realization about that. You know, sometimes when you have kids, you start seeing some BS that was some of those sunshine enemas that Dave was talking about that your parents give you that I bought the whole time. And one of them was when I have two little girls and Katie has a son and a daughter, so we got four between us. But when my girls were little, one day all the family's over there and we got a pool and we're swimming and then we stop and we eat. Everybody has hot dogs and hamburgers and that sort of thing. And, of course, the kids want to go right back into the pool. Well, I'm full and I'm sitting there, you know. And Sadie says, Dad, can I go swimming? And I hear myself going, oh, honey, you can't go swimming for 30 minutes after you eat or you'll get cramps. And I'm standing there and I go, that is straight up BS. You know, I mean, I was thinking about my history. I'm going, I never got cramps, I've never known anybody that got cramp. I've never known anybody that knew anybody that got cramps. You know, I was like, this is just something we tell our kids so we don't have to watch them in the pool right after we ate. I think it's the same reason we tell the newcomer, don't have sex for a year. You know? We don't know whether it works or not. Nobody's ever done it. But the reason we tell them that is because we don't want to have to hear about it. You know, it's like, oh, let me guess. The show didn't come off very well, you know. Just a consideration, you now. But when we get into the sex inventory, it says, We reviewed our conduct over the years past. And there's nine questions we ask ourselves. Where have I been selfish? Selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom have I hurt? Did I unjustifiably arouse three things? Jealousy, suspicion, bitterness. Did I cause these things? Where was I at fault? What should I have done instead? And it says we get all this down on paper and we look at it. How do I want to be? Right? And part of the way I try to figure out where I want to be is what hadn't worked in the past. You know? I had this college kid that I'm doing inventory with and he just looks like he's carved out of wood And, you know, this guy has, well, his sex idea was a little different from mine. You know, let's just say as a 50-year-old married guy, you Know, and he's talking about what's going on with him. But as he's describing all these past relationships, and I love these sex inventories that are like short girl, you Know, girl in blue dress, you Now, you Know, you Know, Girl on the boat, you Know, but As we're going through it, and And he's saying, I'm going to use the word turd. You know, he says, I was a turd to her. That's not what he was saying. But I was, you know, because I did this and that. And I was turd with this one because I didn't do this and then. And I wasn't doing it with this on. And as we're looking through it, and I'm hearing this recurring theme through all these deals, I go, you don't know, it's interesting. I said, how could we not be a turds? You know? I mean, and part of the way we do that is by looking at the ways in the past where I have been. you know that's what we're doing we're looking at manifestations of self when the sexual instinct is aroused and there's not many areas where we get more selfish you know than in this area and it says what are we trying to do here why are we doing this it says in this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life what do I want to be what do i want to feel like like it says we subjected each relation to this test was it selfish or not then here's another prayer we ask god to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them that's what i'm trying to do in this exercise is mold a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life and it can't be a moving moving target whatever ideal our ideal turns out to be we've got to be willing to grow towards it We must be willing to make amends where we've done harm, provided we don't bring more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex like we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God. I'll give you a little tip. Whenever it, in the big book, whenever it says we ask, that's usually a prayer. But if it says, we asked God, it's always a prayer, and I miss so many of these prayers as I'm going through the book. When I caught fire, you know, after working with Mark Houston and these guys, And I remember I'm going through the work with guys, and I'd come across a line like that. And I'd be like, hey, that's prayer. Let's do it. You know? And this guy must have been going, where the hell has this guy been for 17 years? You know what I mean? You know, Ray Charles could tell until he just saw it for the first time. You know What I mean by that? Well, let's pray it if it's a prayer. But it says we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come along if we want it. And then it goes on to talk about who can judge us. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. And then talks about what happens if we fall short. And then, it says, to sum up about sex, we earnestly pray for four things. The right ideal, guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. It talks about if sex is troublesome, we throw ourselves harder into helping others. Those four things that we pray for, I mean, they can be really powerful if you're having problems in the sexual arena. One of the things, and I don't always talk about it, but here it comes. Internet porn is a huge problem for men in sobriety these days. I'm not going to look anybody dead in the eye because you'll think I've been talking to somebody. But a lot of us are blocked by it. You know, and a lot of us use it as a way of treating the spiritual malady. And there was a time in my sobriety where I had to carry around a little three-by-five card with those four things I prayed for. Ask God for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. The thing I always tell my guys is the time to ask for guidance on each questionable solution is not, you know, it's like if you're getting ready to cheat on your wife with a woman at work, You can't wait until you're at the motel putting the key in the lock and go, God, if you don't want this to happen, don't let this door work. You know, I mean, the horse is out of the barn at that point, you know. But I mean so when I feel that urge, that's when I've got to go to God and ask God for the right ideal. You know show me what I want this look like. Guidance in each questionable situation. Give me a sane and sound ideal and give me the strength to do the right thing. And I mean it works. It's amazing. It's Amazing Stuff. And it says, so then we go on and it says if we've been thorough about our personal inventory, we've written down a lot, we've listed and analyzed our resentments, we have begun to comprehend their futility. See, all these words in here speak to this being the beginning of a process, right? It says we've begun to understand their futability. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begunto learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies, because we look on them as sick people. Now that makes sense to me. It says, and then it goes on and it says, In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we couldn't do for ourselves. Listen to what it says here. How did I miss this self-peace for 17 years? I don't know. This probably doesn't happen to you guys. But when I read a book, I work a lot with the set-aside prayer. It's a prayer where I go, God, please help me set aside everything I think I know about the big book, the fellowship, the steps, even you, God. So that I can see some new information. Help me have a new experience. Help me to see the truth. Because I don't know about you guys, but when I read, a lot of times I'm not looking for new information, I'm just looking for ways that I'm already right. You know, especially after I've been doing this for a while. You know I'm going through the book and I'm like, uh-huh, yeah, uh huh, oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is that part where it says that, you know. Yeah, you can't tell me anything about this. I've already got it highlighted and underlined, you Know. I mean, I do that set-aside prayer, and I try to read a couple of pages a day out of the big book, and new stuff leaps off the page all the time, you Now. So if I missed that self piece for so long, what did I do when I came to lines like the first requirement or being convinced that self was what had caused our defeat. What does it say here in 71? We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from him. What did I do when I read that before? You know, I mean, one time I was listening to a CD of Bob doing a workshop that Katie and I facilitated and I heard a powerful piece of information information in a piece that he was talking about it was just one of those mind blowers we went whoa that paragraph never meant anything to me until bob said that and the funny thing about it was i was listening to it on a cd and i'm going i was sitting there when he said that i was from me to howard but you know why didn't i hear it that's why i love the tapers that's has come from driving around in my truck listening to CDs of people that know more about this stuff than I do. You know, and I just want to thank Lee for being here. And because sometimes, you know, when Sandy's sitting there talking, I'm going, I really want to be listening, but why am I thinking about potato chips? You know? Or saying, you Know, and you've got to go back and listen to the CD, you don't want to go. And you hear new stuff over and over again. So we hope you're now convinced, and if you've already made a decision in the inventory of your gross or handicaps, you've made a good beginning. That's so you've swallowed and digested some large chunks of truth about yourself. Well, to roll into the fifth step, there's some interesting stuff in here. It says, having made our inventory, what shall we do about it? We've been trying to get three things. What have we been trying to do in this work? It's right here at the top, first paragraph of Interaction. We've been trying two, one, get a new attitude, two, a new relationship with our Creator, and three, to discover the obstacles in our path. All right? New attitude, new relationship. New relationship with God. What's blocking me from Him? This pipeline thing again. And it says, we've admitted our defects. We've put our finger on the weak items. now these are about to be cast out and he talks about the spirit we take in there he talks a little solid solitary you know it's funny because I called my sponsor one time and I said you don't have me going to any meetings or really doing much but I think I'm doing pretty good and he goes well I'd be careful about grading my own papers if I was here you know you know the book calls it a solitary self appraisal you know but when he talks They just want to touch on the fifth step because I wish I had time to go into this alcoholic leading a double life because I'm capable of that well into sobriety. One of the things I have to watch out for in my sponsorship and doing the work and studying the book is I've got to be careful that AA doesn't become theory, right? This has got to part of the way I'm moving around on the earth. God consciousness, this is part of what I believe. Would you be able to tell I believe this stuff if you followed me around because I real easily can kind of drift into, take my advice, I'm not using it. You know, and so I really got to watch that stuff and that actor trying to double off and that sort of thing. But it talks a lot about the spirit and who we're going to do the inventory with. But then it says we explain to our partner what we're about to do and why we have to do it. Talk about turning statements into questions. It's like, how many of us could do that? Explain to my partner what I'm about to do and why I have to deal with it. Mark was the one that said to try to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which are blocking me. That's what I am trying to do and I can tell them why I need to do that. But he calls it a life and death errand. it says we pocket our pride and go to it there's not a lot of instructions on here in the fifth step you know it basically says we packet our pride and go into it illuminating meaning to shine light upon every twist of character every dark cranny of the past I was talking to our buddy Scott from Nashville one day and I said Scott as I go through the instructions for the fourth step where is the piece where it says to take it to the grave stuff the uh you know the things i was never going to tell anybody what's the worst thing you ever done that sort of thing and he said listen to fifth step you know where it says illuminating every twist of character every dark cranny of the past so obviously hearing a fifth step is not just listening to somebody read their fourth step because as i was writing my fourth step resentment fear some of these things that i'm really the stuff i feel deep shame about most of it i would tell from the podium these days but when i came in they were really you know big big you know shameful problems and stuff it's saying illuminating these things and then you know every dark cranny of the past so and then it goes into the fifth step promises and it said this is the first place in the book where it says we're delighted i have a sponsor he called me one time and he goes He goes, we've just done about four hours of inventory. And he goes, he's driving home and he calls back and he goes I got to tell you, I'm not delighted. You know? He says, I feel like you just spent about four hours rubbing my face in how selfish and self-centered I am. And I said, that's why it says we're careful not to force, drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection. It says we get rid of these things promptly and without regret. We are removing things that block me from God. When I hear somebody in a meeting say, I'm working on my inventory, and the whole group groans, you know, and you're like, we should be a cheerleading section for this guy. He's involved in an exercise that will remove the things that are blocking him from the only power that's going to save his life. It says our fears are going to fall from us. We don't work on them. it says they fall from us we begin to feel the nearness of our creator we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience we feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe I'm running over but I got the time it says returning home home, we find a place where we can get quiet for an hour. I just want to take a second to say that one time Mark went on a rant at my kitchen table about this hour at the end of the fifth step. I had always just kind of phoned this in, and Mark went on this rant about this thing. It was one of those things where me and the guys were looking at each other going, are you getting this? You know, Chad told me later, he goes, I think I got about 10% of what Mark was saying when he was talking about that, and that 10% revolutionized that hour at The End of the Fifth Step because he talked I talked about going back through this stuff and looking at taking the book down from the shelf and turning the page with the first five steps and reviewing the first Five Steps in all their ramifications. Am I convinced that I have a hopeless state of mind and body? What did I miss, Mark Houston? Am I convincing on my own power I can't do anything about it? Have I had this revelation that self is the other thing? And have I looked at all the ways that it shows up in my life, you know? And when we get into the fourth step, do I believe that resentment is the number one offender? Do I believe the fears and stuff? Do I belief that on the basis of, well, I'm always going to be in collision with something or somebody? And am I taking this awareness into this hour and asking God to make me fully aware of his presence and bringing his power to bear on these problems that I've laid out in the fourth set? And then when we have that information, now the stuff that Carla's going to talk about after lunch has got some real meat on the bone. I've got to tell you, I came here to stop drinking. I came her to try to find a program that would keep me from drinking and doing outside substances. And I discovered a way of life that would remove the manifestations of self enough to connect me with power that can solve all the problems in my life. My name is Charlie Parker. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you.