The Thorazine Shuffle and the Escape from the Nut House – Earl H.

My name is Earl, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. I want to thank Stephen Guy for the honor of and the privilege of speaking here. It's a delight. And I wantto thank Sue for your talk. I hate it that you got me emotional right before I got up here. I was sitting over there thinking about the Lakers think about the Laker I don't even care about the Lakers that was wonderful thank you and it's really nice to see some of the people that I only see here it's great to run into the faces Jim's over there, Ava's over there everywhere my friend Carl came down, Kathy's sitting over there, or me sitting over here, you know, all the kids. I mean it's a blast to come down here and hang out. There's Joe hanging out with people that I don't get to see anyplace else. And you get to see the, you know, a year goes by, you know, Rob and Darren are over there. You know, it's to see, they showed up with Chase this time. And if you haven't met Chase, you got to. You meet her and she owns you. She's a You meet her and she owns you. She's a year old. It's their baby, their new baby. And just watching the changes and the things that happen in people's lives and how they come back here. Staying sober, staying clean and sober, doing the thing, you know what I mean? And coming down and celebrating it, you know, celebrating it here. Watching and knowing that every time I come down here, the first thing that's going to happen of any particular substance is going to be that Paul is going to get up and do the attitude adjustment, and I tune right in and I've heard it a hundred times and I hope I hear it a thousand more because I just love it every time he gave a great talk stand up Paul stand up oh Seriously, Paul's one of my heroes. I didn't come in here... I didn' t have any heroes when I got here. I didn''t have any. When you have a hero, a hero exemplifies something that you want in your life. You know what I mean? It's a manifestation of your hopes, your dreams, your goals, your aspirations as a human being. Something you want to strive to be. I didn ''t have anything like that. I didn'T have any of that when I Got Here. None of that. now I've got people like Paul in my life that I can look to and think that's an example that I want to follow so they have a note here for me okay I started drinking when I was 12 years old I want you to get sober so fast I started thinking I started drinkin' when Iwas 12 years ol And the reason I started drinking is somebody said, would you like a drink? And I said, well, yeah. Actually, they asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint. They said, do you want to smoke an joint? I said yeah. And I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. You know, I didn't know what it meant. I just, I had been launched out into the universe on my own. I was 12 years old. I'd been shipped off to boarding school. What it felt like was that my family had just thrown me away and they knew me better than anybody. And I didn' t know why they were doing that. I didn''t know what was so wrong with me that they would want to get rid of me. And I was alone in the world. And I hadn' t, I hadn''t, I hade no idea how to do anything. I had no tools for living. I had No Idea what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be, how I was suppose to act because apparently the way I'd been doing that wasn't right and I had gotten into a fight with the biggest guy in the high school. I was the littlest and the youngest and I found the biggest guys found me and we I wouldn't really call it a fight. I he called me a punk and slapped me in the back of the head and then I hit him and then he said you have a lot of guts kid and he beat the crap out of me. And so I had wandered back to my room, and word spread across this boarding school that you've got to watch out for this little Hightower kid. He's a maniac. He attacked Tiny was this guy's nickname. So, I mean, it's just the hole's getting deeper for me. You know what I mean? There's no—none of this has anything to do with who I am. I'm a frightened little boy. That's all I am, but now I get this reputation as this wild person, right? So the cool guys come around, and Matt is feeding. Matt says, you want to smoke a joint? And I say, well, yeah. And off we go and we pick up Steve and Steve's got the Tupperware container full of cheap red wine, you know? A little mad dog, okay? Over behind the dorm and he takes a hit and I just do what he does with the joint and two total strangers, Steve and Max, you now? Launched out into the world, no tools for living and I hand it to Steve and here comes the wine and I pull on the wine and this is going around and I don't get it. I don' t know why we're doing this. And I mean, it happened. The thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred for the first time in my life. And I got this warm feeling down all over me, and I knew, man. I was comfortable standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with for the First Time in My Life. Everything was okay. Everything was in sync. This is good. This is very, very, very good. And I don't know. I mean, all of the things about, you know, you're going to smoke a joint and commit murder. You're going to smoke a joint and be shooting heroin by 4 p.m., you know what I mean? All of those things just went away. They went away this is a good thing they lied to me because apparently there's a shortage of these things and they're saving it for themselves you know they don't want me to get mine and I'm on this now right and I mean I didn't know is it the pot is it the wine you know is that the fact that I'm standing here with my two very best friends Matt and Steve I was bonding you know I loved them and I didn'T know and I DIDN'T care I know I'm doing this as often as I possibly can. There's no downside to this. It's just this wonderful feeling of ease and contentment that I had never known. I was restless and irritable and discontented long before that. And, uh, I did. And I, I drank and I used on a daily basis, no matter what for the next 16 years at the expense of absolutely everything in my life. Everything. Um, 13 was pills, any kind of pills. And they said, you know, a guy came to me in a bar and he said, would you like a couple of these? And I said, well, Yeah, I will. And he gave them to me and 20 minutes later I was laying on the floor and I was very, very happy then. And all I wanted to know was what do you call those? That's all I wanted to tell. And I remember for a long time what you call those. It was just two in all, you know, second all Placid Hill and you know I got strung out like a wild man on all that. Then came 14 with psychedelics. Girl said would you like to drop some acid and I said well, yeah. having no idea what that meant either. And she took out a lipstick tube, and she spun the lipstick up, and on the end of the tube was this little tiny pill. It was a very tiny pill, I'm used to the horse caps, you know what I mean? And so I just took it, and I popped it in my mouth and swallowed it, and she said, did you take that whole thing? And I said, well yeah, it was a really tiny pill! And she said that was three hits of white lightning, which meant nothing to me, apparently meant a lot to you, you know who I'm talking about. The lady over there went, oh, no, you don't do that. Next two days were very interesting. You know, little glimpses of reality occasionally. Found myself kind of came out of like a blackout and I was with this girl Debbie. Debbie was 15 and a half. She's a bad girl. Debbie was 50 and a halftime and an older woman. I was 14. She was 15. that. And she was, I had such respect for her, man. This whole new world for me. And we ended up in this market, in a market shopping. We had a little cart and there were a few items in it. I don't know where they came from. And we were walking down the thing and And I looked over at her and I said, do we have children? And she said, yes. And I said then we're gonna need these diapers right here. And kind of phased back out and I don't remember a lot but I'll tell you what early in my sobriety going into a supermarket was a real took a real commitment on my part you know what I mean it was like I'd stand in the parking lot with my little list it's like I'm going in. They spook me still, the lights in them, the rose with everything perfect, you know. I can never go in at Gelson's, which is like a real high-end supermarket, you know, and you go and you take a can off the shelf and a little guy runs in and puts another one right back. Everything is just really perfect in there. We've all seen the abandoned shopping cart in the market. I understand that guy. You know, it's just too many decisions. I'll come back and do this another time. forget it. I know, I know. So anyway, you know, 15 was, she started shooting drugs, simply because I was at a party and this woman said, would you like me to stick this in your body? And I said, well, yeah. And she did. And I just did one of those headers, you know what I mean? Just that. It was a good shot. And all I remember thinking on the way down was, oh yeah, man. That's going to work. We're going to write that one down because we need to keep that. And I'm talking about drugs and I identify as an alcoholic and I apologize to any pure alcoholics. I don't do this to offend you. I'm just telling you my story and I must tell you that the reason I say that is because there was only one thing that was on the table every single day for me. I was a child of the 60s. The drugs were our way of differentiating and breaking away from our parents. Our parents were the alcoholics and we were not going to drink ourselves to death. We were going to kill ourselves in a whole new way. This was clearly our goal. But the facts remain the same. When I look back at my life as a result of inventory work, I see that I was not a specialist. My drug of choice was what do you got? Because if I can get enough of what you got in my body, it's all anti-Earl medication. It'll kill the fear and I can be in the world. Doesn't matter what it is. I mean, I prefer to go down heroin opiates barbiturates alcohol this is the way for me heart and lungs working nothing else going on that's the place i like i like that but if i go to connect and none of these things are available but we have cocaine let's go right we're not going down fine then we'll go up I don't hesitate because it's not about a particular direction it's about getting out of right here, right now because right here and right now is my life right here and right know is my absolute terror filled state of being here is my self centered fearful place the only thing that was on the table every day it was heroin one day it was cocaine the next it was Quaaludes the next it didn't matter whatever was available there was enough of it we'll do that Only thing on the table every day was a bottle of booze. Alcohol was on the table every single day. And the reason for that, for me, is very simple. Drugs are unreliable. And alcohol is very, very reliable. Right? There's no quality control going on out there on the street. There is no stamp of approval on your balloon. You know what I mean? It's just not there. Right? It'S NOT there. You don't know what you've got until you get it in your body. You get yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels or a quart of gin, you know what's in there. You know what? You know what you got. You can rely on it. So it's always there. So then when you screw up with the drugs, the booze will get the job done. So much cocaine, you can't get your mouth open anymore. And you just got to the party. You just got there. You've way overshot the mark again, you know? So you grab the gin and you suck a little gin down through your teeth, you know, it'll loosen you up. You can get right on with the party. Booze is reliable. Not enough heroin to get you that cool, quiet, dark place. Don't worry about it. Jack Daniels will get you the rest of the way. He'll get you there. He's going to get me. I'm not going to lie. I don't know. He gets you there acid, a little too spooky. Don'T worry about Jack. He leads you back into the comfort zone. Just start sucking on that bottle, man. You'd be all right. And in the end for me, it was booze. That's what it was for me because I knew I needed a reliable substance because I was dying and I needed it. And alcohol provided that for me. I used three, four grams of cocaine a day to keep me on my feet so that I could keep drinking. And when I get so sick, I couldn't drink anymore. I need about 150 milligrams of allium just to stick, just to keep meat from season up, just to get me smoothed out enough to where I could go back to drinking. It was never, ever, ever for me about getting sober ever. It's not on the list things to do. Eventually we're going to have to get sober. No, I'm not. No I'm not. I don't care how bad it gets. So 15 was needles, 16 was mental institutions. I dropped out of high school, went to my first nut house. Three months of observation, a year of rehabilitation. And all I did was sit around and take three cups of pills a day, get my shot for acting out. My treatment plan was find a new way to act out every day so that you can get the shot. That was all I was interested in. I didn't even care. And he's just shuffling around in the hospital for weeks on end. He finally decided to escape and they had those lit up exit signs, you know, green ones. And that said it for me. That summed up the whole thing for me there. Exit, that's all I want to do. So I was sitting in lunch one day with Kilday. KildAY was the woman I had lunch with on The Nuthouse every day because KildAy was insane and very entertaining. All you had to do was walk, just sit down with her and say, KildY, how you doing? And boom, man, KildAy would spin. Every day was like dinner and a show. You'd just eat your little meal with your plastic spoon and you watch Kilday just flip. So I used Kildays as my diversion and I got Kildash, spun Kildey off in that direction and I was going to escape. I was heading for the door and I'm like ready, ready, go! And I'm hauling ass, that's all I got and you gotta learn. I didn't know at the time but this is known as the Thorazine Shuffle and that's what the little three cups of pills a day is about and if you don't get out before they get the Thorazine then you're leaving when they say it's just that simple and you're hauling ass sliding across the floor and you hear from the nurse's station Lou, when you got a minute do you want to grab Earl? he's making a break for the door and Lou's in there eating a sandwich going yeah, yeah, I'll get him in a minute and I'm very upset so the second time I got thrown in the mental institution I escaped the first day I just, in the intake process I said, you know, it was rough out there I'm really, really glad you caught me It's really bad. I don't know what I'm doing. I really need your help. Hey, look at that. Out the door I go, shooting out the back, running across a field, looking at a 12-foot IV-covered chain-link fence. I'm 16, 17 years old at the time. Intern right on my tail. I'm thinking... Now, at this point, I mean, I'm a high school dropout. I'm an alcoholic. I'm in any moment hopefully an escaped mental patient. That's me. That's my resume. This is what I have to say for myself. And I'm thinkin', if I make that fence, I don't have a problem. I don' t have any problems. Because I'll be loaded in 20 minutes if I hit that fence. And you see, the thing is that I know who I am. I know Who I am, and I drink and use no matter what. Given a good reason, I do not stop. That's what differentiates me from the problem drinker. You give a problem drinkers a good reasons to stop, they actually do. Problem drinker gets another drunk driving charge, goes before the judge, and the judge says, you know what? I'm sick of you. I see you one more time, you're doing a year. You're doing year. We're not going to talk about just year. We'll discuss it at the end of that year That's it Problem drinker goes I don't want to go to jail for a year Actually stops drinking and driving Me, I just start wondering what it's going to be like in jail I'm going, I know I'm doing That's thank you for the information your honor I'll pencil in a year here Because I'm not going to jail I can't break it down like that That doesn't work for me I wake up, I have feelings, I get loaded That's what I do I use it any feeling known to man I got sober, I didn't know You get depressed, it lifts You get happy, it'll go away eventually You get sad, you'll get over it I didn' t know, I got happy, I drank I never made it to the end of a feeling You get unhappy, you drink I'm happy, let's drink I'm a little depressed, what are you going to do? I'm going to go have a couple of drinks That's what the brain says I love that my brain said that My brain, I love dat A couple of drinks How many times in your life have you said A couple o' drinks I've never had a couple o'd drinks in my life I've never had that. Never had two drinks. The only reason you have a couple of drinks is because you're waiting for them to bring you another couple of drunks. It's just waiting to get the engine up to speed, get things moving so you can do what you do. So anyway, I made it out of the nut house. I spent three years out on the street. I do what I do to stay loaded every day on the streets. That's what I did. I met this woman at a party. We talked for 20 minutes, so we were in love. It went well. I decided I couldn't just be some maniac teenage drug addict running around the streets of Los Angeles and have this relationship, so I decided that I needed to do something with my life. So I went on an interview for a business college in Northern California and got accepted based on the interview. And I didn't even have a high school diploma. Details. Went back to my father, said, give me a check for a year's tuition and I'll leave town. He said, terrific. Wrote the check, handed it to me. We piled all our belongings and eight pounds of hash in the back of this truck And drove to Northern California to hire learning We got a little apartment She got a straight job I was going to school during the day I was working on my GED at that local high school I gave them a check for a year's tuition Said transcripts are in the mail They said no problem And became a drug dealer And what else was I going to become? It was the only thing I knew anything about And I had no morals I hadno ethics I hadnotsenseoffamily I hadnosenseofcommunity I didn't know about any of that stuff. I just knew that I was in the world, and I needed to take care of myself. And I was an angry, frightened young man, and this is what I needed to do. Became a drug dealer. I was studying marketing, production, distribution in school. And I'm applying this to my business, and business is booming. I've got royalty from out of the country buying from me. It's crazy, man. Business is going great. I think I have a good life. I got rid of the woman. had to get rid of her. She was saying things like, I'm too high. That's wrong. So we had to send her back to LA and I got to use the way I get to use. And when I was 20, I got diagnosed to have malignant cancer. So they flew me back to L.A., did major surgery on my back, putting me in the nuclear medicine program and told me I was going to die, told my family and I was going to die. And I just remember thinking, you don't even know who you're talking to. You know, it's not like I got any plans. You know, there's something out there that I really want that I'm not going to get if I die young. I mean, I remember being 19 years old and dating this girl. And, I walked into her house one day and I walking back to the house up to her room. And she was sitting in her room talking to her mother and the door was open and I could hear the conversation. And her mother said to her, I don't want you getting too involved with Earl He's not going to be with us much longer I was 19 years old And I remember thinking, good advice That's good advice I mean, I wasn't handling things well Anyway They put me in the nuclear medicine thing I hated that, so I just quit And I beat the cancer thing I beat it Went back up to school I was in school, now I'm a junior in college I got an early acceptance to go to USC Law School I'm editor-in-chief of my college newspaper I mean, I'm looking good out here. I'm dying inside already, and I'm 20, 21 years old at this point. My mother calls me and says, well, go anywhere you want to go as a family. We've got to put this family back together. It's I'm the mother, my job, you, your father, your sister and I, we're getting together. We're going wherever you want for your birthday. We're gonna sort this thing out. I said, fine. I flew back to L.A., and on my birthday, we took off to fly to Guadalajara. And on the way down, the plane crashed. and my mother, my father, and my little sister were all killed and I was not and I woke up on this mountain in Mexico I was just outside of Los Mochis, Mexico I guess that's not too far from here is it? five hours away by car that's weird and I woke up on this mountain and my skull was fractured my back was broken in three places leg wiped out arm wiped out paralyzed in the waist down couldn't move awake and my mother was laying right over there and my little sister was laying right over here. And my father was laying right over the air and I watched them all bleed to death right in front of me. There was nothing I could do. And I had a chat with God and I said, you know what? I have no interest in a God that would take somebody like my little Sister Kimberly. She was 15 months younger than me. She was my little Sister. She was mine. I raised her. When she wanted to know about boys she came to me. When she want to know where to go to school or what to do with school she came too me. When she had a problem with her friend, she came to me. I loved being her big brother and she loved me being her big brother. And I think that the reason to this day that I like women is I take no credit for that in my life at all. It has nothing to do with who I am as a human being. I didn't get anything right the whole way, but I had, my mother was a fantastic woman and my little sister was a fantastic girl and they loved me unconditionally and I knew it. I knew it. I could feel it and I could never feel that from anyone. And they loved me no matter what, how insanity was going on in my life. It's just, you know, my brother's crazy, but I love him. And when God took her instead of me, on the one hand, I had no interest in a God that would do something like that, and I renounced God. And I walked around for years with a thing they call survivor's guilt. I had No Right to Be on the Planet, and I knew it. And I lived accordingly, that I have no right to be here anyway, so what I do is pretty much irrelevant. You know, it doesn't matter what I'd do. and some guys came up and they scavenged the plane wreck and I took the money out of my wallet and they'd scavenge what they could get and then they went back down the mountain and they left me up there to die so I had no more use for you either I was out of the game no God, no trust or love or respect for my fellow man I'm out ofthe game I have no more need in my life to go to law school or do this little thing over here to just kind of get you to be somewhat appeased with who I am and how I'm living my life so that you'll just leave me alone, let me drink and use the way I want to. I had no more need for that anymore. My life is about drugs, alcohol, violence, get the money to get the above, get the sex, do whatever, use, just use. Use you, use your money, use yours. Use your drugs, use you're alcohol. And if you didn't want to discuss any of that with me, then get the hell out of my face, get out of our way because I'm moving on to the next person. That was very clear a purpose. I was a rageful, angry, terribly frightened, damaged, wounded little animal. And some guys came and they finally came up, some more guys came up. They took me down from the plane crash. They took my down to a medical station. They tagged my toe and sat down and smoked cigarettes and waited for me to die. And I didn't. And then they finally took me to the hospital. It was a place called Hospital Fatima in Los Moches. It wasn't even a finished hospital yet but that's where they took me. and they worked on me and the federal always showed up because of another little matter me having been in Mexico before doing things we're not supposed to and they came and they interrogated me through an interpreter for three and a half days wanting to know what I was doing in Mexico wouldn't give me anything for paying and every time I wouldn't give them the right answers they'd sit me up in the bed and they hadn't fixed me yet so I'd just pass out and then when I'd come through they'd start talking to me again so that was an interesting three and half days that kind of changed me I think that experience And finally, I called up a buddy of mine that I was in business with up in Northern California who called his family in Mexico City. And his brother flew their company plane as close to Los Mochis as they could get, drove in, we paid off a few people, they plastered me from the neck down, threw me in a car, drove me, put me on a plane, flew me back up to L.A., and I got an ambulance and ended up in St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica where I stayed for a long time. They told me I may or may not walk, I'd have a withered left hand, and I'd be blind in my left eye. And that I was very lucky to be alive. And I remember thinking, oh really? Lucky? Kind of hard to look at it that way. And I went and I used like a beast in the hospital. I mean, I was getting maximum doses of Demerol every three hours around the clock. And I had a great story, and all I was working at to get what I needed. And I just kept going and going and doing and going. Got out of the hospital, three hours and 20 minutes later, I needed to connect because I was sweating like a dog, angry, and completely alone in the world as far as I could tell. I couldn't make a connection with another human being and I went on my last run and it lasted for four and a half years and it was insane. By the time I got sober, I drew a sober breath three times during that four and half years and they were for 72 hours each and it's because I was strapped to a table and they wouldn't let me up and that was it. I could not drink or use. They wouldn't Let Me and that is when I was sober and every time I go off that table having been through that 72 hours I swore I'd never drink again as long as I live. I knew I was an alcoholic. I knew that I was strong. I knew what that meant. I knew the word. I knew it meant that I couldn't live without it, but I did not know what I was up against. And I would swear I'd ever drink again as long I live when I got off that table because I couldn' take that kick one more time. Not the way I was hammering. And I'd be drunk that night. I'd have no idea why. Wake up in Oakland. I don't even know anybody in Oakland and I'd wake up there or I'd wake up on Speedway in Venice, which is not a good place to wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning talking to four police officers and you don't know what we're discussing. Just like, bing! Speedway. Venice PD. They're not happy. You just keep your hands where they can see them and go like this. And eventually they're going to tell you why you're here. I mean, what are you going to do? You're goingto say, excuse me, officers. I just got here. It's this little trick I do. I'm here, I'm not here, I'm hear, I am not here. And it's never a good conversation ever. And it just went on and on and on and by the time I got sober I was 28 years old. I had over 600 stitches in me. I'd been stabbed twice. I'd broken 74 bones. I had no place to live. My family was dead. I had friends. And I had pictures in my head that I knew there was no way I could be sober and sane with those pictures in My head. And I burned my life to the ground. I had two doctors, independent of one another, tell me if you don't stop drinking this year, you're going to die. You have organs that are shutting down. This year you're gonna die. It was like a fall when they were telling me this. I was running out of time. I came out of one last blackout, 215 pounds, psychotic, all of those things true in my life. And both my hands broken. And I don't know what was different about that day from any other. It was just a drunk drinking himself to death. That's all I was doing. And being kept by a woman in an apartment on the boardwalk in Venice, both of her parents had convulsed to death from alcoholism, so I was perfect for her. Because that's what I was dealing with right in front of them. And I threw up my hands and I said, Help. I can't live. I can' t die. You know, there's nothing left. Nothing left. Just take me. Just take me. And they took me by ambulance. they pumped my stomach one more time and then they took me to another place and they kept me for five more days they said get him out of here, he's dying they tookme to another hospital and they put me on a free bed and I came out of there knowing the drink was to die and if it didn't want to die I better go to Alcoholics Anonymous that was it I didn't know why I was mad at my father I didn' t know I had survivor's guilt I didn''t have any understanding of the child within I knew that I was an alcoholic and if I didn ''t want to dye I better got to Alcoholic Anonymous That's it. And the beautiful way is I came here destroyed. I came to you destroyed. I had nowhere else to go, nobody to talk to, no good ideas, no stone left unturned, nothing else to try. It was over. I was completely emotionally and spiritually annihilated. And physically, I wasn't doing so good. And I came in and I went to a meeting on a Friday night in the basement of a church, an 8.30 meeting, and I sat in the back with my arms folded, with my best tough guy look on my face. Don't come near me, man. Mad dog and everybody. You know, you look at me, he's like, yeah? Back off. And the fact of the matter was, stay away from me. Not because you might get hurt, but because I might get heard. I'm terrified. I'm the one, if I tell you the things I've done, you're not going to let me stay here. No sane people would. If you knew what I was capable of, you would ask me to leave. you would tell me to leave so I sat in the back knowing I could never tell you who I was but knowing I had no place else left to go so I shouldn't talk to you, I should just be here when you ask me if I was an alcoholic, I'd say yes and apparently that's all I needed to say to stay here so that was my deal and I sat on the back and the guys with time knew me they saw me and they said there's coffee over there bro get yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat, glad you're here and they left me alone they didn't come up on me because they had been me before I was a frightened little animal sitting back there. But every meeting's got the newcomer who doesn't see the signals you're throwing. They just see new guy, you know? So here come a guy with nine months. His name was Vegas. Vegas M. And Vegas came up and said, hi, I'm an alcoholic. And I said, so what? Me too, man. It ain't exactly the highlight of my life. I don't know what you're so thrilled about. Get away from me. And he looked at me and he said, keep coming back. You know, when a couple other guys were watching him and they went, Hey, that was good. You see that? He told me to keep coming back, man. It's a good way to go in Vegas, right? And I'm sitting there thinking, oh, great. You know, there's like a code in here. You know? Everybody seems to understand this keep coming back thing and I don't. So one more time, I'm the loser in the room. If you're new, if you're new, and people come up to you and they say things like keep coming bad. Just, hey, one day at a time. My personal favorite, you know, just turn it over, alright? if they say that stuff to you have more courage than I did and step up to the plate and say excuse me I don't understand the deep spiritual significance of turn it over would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit if they're honest about 70% of them from my neck of the woods would say you know what I don' t know what it means either I came in they said it to me you're coming in I'm saying it to you I don''t know there's a guy over there that reads the big book let's ask him maybe he knows. Just my opinion. So I sat in the back and this old timer got up, 65 year old guy, skid row bum, wino, ex-boxer. None of those things. I noticed it immediately because I'm very good at this, noticing the differences. Because if I could find the difference between you and me, I don't have to listen to you. And I don' t want to listen to anybody. Because you're always saying the same thing to me. You have to stop this. That's what you say to me. In one way or another, that's what you say. You need to stop this. And I don't want to hear that, so I'll find the difference. I can discount you completely. You're a woman. What do you know about me? You come up in something else. You black, Hispanic, gay, five years older, five years younger. You come off as something else, not better or worse. It's just a different thing you're doing, so you don't know about me. By the time I got to AA, if basically you're not Earl, you don't even know about it. You don't really know about me. The difference between everybody. I didn't listen to anybody. And here I am sitting in the back of this meeting with the same head spinning. See, all I've addressed is the allergy of the body. I'm not drinking. I still got the obsession of the mind. I've sitting back there with a greater aspect of my disease in full effect. Sitting in the back of that meeting. Not knowing that that's why we have meetings. The only reason we have meanings is so that there's a place for a newcomer to come and hear a message of recovery, experience strength at home. Right? That's why we had the meetings. And hopefully there's somebody there that's been through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, had a spiritual awakening as the result of doing that, that can give that individual what they need to help them address the obsession of the mind. The greater aspect of their disease, which is in full effect when we get here. That's why we do it. And mine was in full affect. And this guy got up and he did two things that changed my life. He shared openly and honestly about his feelings as a man. And I never heard anybody do that before. Ever. Not like that. Not with that kind of grace and that kind of dignity. I'd never seen that. It was just very effortless and easy for him to talk about his feelings. And I got to sit back there with my arms folded with this look of, you know, disgust, thinking, wow. You know? I can't let anybody find out that I'm very impressed by that. And then it was like he looked right at me and he said, you know what? I don't care whether you like what I got the say or not. You don't like it, go to another meeting. Now I love that. I love that because it made it clear to me He's not selling me something. He's sharing it with me. And if I want it, I can have it for free. If I don't want it go to another meeting you're going to hear somebody else maybe they got what you can identify with something you can latch on to something that gives you some hope and you can do your thing in here. I thought this is cool I'm coming back. I've been coming back every day for almost 17 what's the date? The 5th? The 4th? Yeah, Wednesday I'll have 17 and a half years sober hanging out with you guys. No, no, no. You're just clapping for yourselves. Either that... I mean, see, that's clearly you haven't been paying attention. I've been explaining to you my best thinking. I've bee explaining to yo what I consider to be good ideas. None of them were things that said we need to get healthy, we need get to a spiritual path. I only came here because there was no place else left to go. That's why I came here. I didn't come here because I wanted what you had. I had no idea what you had. I just knew I could no longer live with what I had. That's it. I didn't get it. I didn' t get it, and I came here, sat in the back, and that guy gave me something I had not had in years. He gave me hope. He gave some hope. Maybe a guy like me could stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I stayed, and kept coming back, and coming back. And I kept doing the things that you guys suggested that a guy like me do, that a guys like me... And I knew you knew about a guy like me. And they said, You gotta get a sponsor. I was going to 7, I was in Every day of my day was Wake up, hour or two of sleep Wake up Be insane Work on becoming physically exhausted So that I could get another couple hours of sleep That night Just wipe myself out physically Go to meetings, go to meetings Sit in the back, not talk to anybody Not say anything I never took a chip In Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't take a cake until I was 3 years sober And all I said was My name's Earl, I'm an alcoholic The miracle of my life is that I'm sober And who needs to know that as me? Thank you And sat down And the only reason I said that Was because I remembered a few A little while earlier Giving my sponsor The late great Donald Madden a cake Which at that point Was the greatest honor in my life That he would ask me To do something like that And that is what he said Exactly what he sad And so I just said what he say Because for the first three years Of my sobriety And well into my sobrietie actually for the first 14 years of my sobriety Donald Madden asked me to do something I did it because Donald Maden never steered me wrong he was one of the finest examples of Alcoholics Anonymous I've ever known he was an absolutely remarkable man and I have to do a workshop on sponsorship at some point so I'm not going to talk about him now just that I love him I love Him to this day and He's not dead He died July 25th, 1994 and He is not dead The man is alive and well and living in the hearts of many, many, many alcoholics. I hear people getting up all the time saying stuff and knowing where that came from. They'll say some little thing and I go, I know where that game came from? They don't even know where it came from, I know Where It Came From. That was Donald Madden, man. He's alive and wild and helping people every day today. Helping people. Helping me today because he's in here. He's in there. He's still in here still and he always will be. Remarkable human being. I was with him longer than I was my parents. He saved my life because he was the only human being I trusted on the face of the earth for the first two and a half years I was sober. I did what he told me, and I've done everything that they told me to do in Alcoholics Anonymous, not because I thought it was a good idea, not because i understood the quality of it, not that I understood the ramifications of engaging certain spiritual principles, certain spiritual concepts, not for that reason at all. I did it because the people I saw telling me to doing those things and who had done those things were leading the lives I wanted to lead. Not the great jobs, not the money Not the property, not The prestige that they had What I wanted was the look in their eyes I wanted the self-respect I wanted to be comfortable One more time in my life Standing where I was standing Doing what I was doing with the people I was dealing with on the Natch I wanted it to be a place I wanted them to be Comfortable being all on the planet And I had never been that in my Life. I wanted that and I saw Guys around that had that Guys that looked me right in the eye. I said, how are you? And when I told them, they were listening to me. When I asked them how they were, they'd say to me, I'm great. And I'd say, yeah, but your son just died. And they go, yeah. And i'm in pain over that, but i'm great that they could be, they could be centered, giving, caring, loving, kind people in the face of life on life's terms that they can do that, that they couldn't differentiate between themselves and the problems of life, that They could do that. They had this amazing capacity to be right here, right now. Today, my sponsor, I have another sponsor. I had him three hours after Donald was dead. Christopher and I were waiting for him to come get Donald's body. And I said to myself, Christopher, I can never be sponsored by anybody else ever. And this voice in my head said, get another sponsor right now, you little son of a bitch. It was Donald. I got on the phone, a name roll body. A guy that I had seen speak when I was real new and Donald said, pay attention to that man. He's a beautiful man and he knows what he's talking about. And I said, right. And I did what he said to me. You know? And I called him up and I said Al, Donald's dead. Will you sponsor me? And he said, yes. You know, what Al always says to me He says, Earl, it's right here. Right here. All you got to do is get between those. That's all you gotto do is get in between those because right here and right now this is where your life is This is where God is This is what your dignity as a man is This is why your respect for yourself and respect for other people is This is were the love is This is wherethe love is And that's what you're after The loving and being loved being stable enough, centered enough balanced enough to give love and to get it back and accept it back it's right here there is no other place there's nothing else real happening except right in there there's Nothing Else you alright right now? you got enough to eat you got food you got money you got love you got hope you got some hope right now we're alright how about now? alright We're all right. We're alright, man. That's where the buzz is too. I mean it's all about the buzz, isn't it? I didn't stop being about the bus for me because I got sober. It didn't. I was a pig out there. And I'm a pig in here. I'm going to go to meetings and not drink or use no matter what. And that's it. And there's a little buzz there. There's a lot of buzz there or you could come in. You can go to a lot of meetings. You can get a sponsor. You can take direction from that sponsor. You can get commitments at meetings. You can be of service on a daily basis to other people. You can work all three sides of the triangle. The unity, the recovery, and the service. That's mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. And therein lies the balance I've sought my whole life and never had drunk or sober until I found that. And the unity and the body. Unity, recovery, service, same thing. Unity is the body, you bring it here. You bring it hier to the meetings. I can't get sober but we can. First step says we admitted we were powerless. We do that together. I isolate, it's not good. We do it, right? I have to be with my people. I have look you in the eye. I have come back to sober vacations a year later and see the people I haven't seen in a year and look in their eyes and go, Wow! You did some work this year, huh? You did som work. And I can see it. I can't see it in me because I'm in here being me every day. I don't see the process and the change. I can se it in you. Coverage of the mind. I got to work the steps. Deal with the greater aspect of my disease. Do you know that if I... The recovery is relieving me of the obsession of drinking juice. relieving me of that rid of it that's why I work the steps that's what they're there for to deal with the obsession of the mind step one is what's the problem lack of power is my dilemma if lack of powerful is my problem it's my solution step two power greater than myself going to restore me to sanity relieve me of the obsession of the dream that's great what should I do better make a decision to do something about it get out on my knees say that third step prayer get back up and immediately embark upon a plan of rigorous action that's going to make that happen in my life because all I've done is believe that it could happen Now I've got to go get it. How do I get it? I get if by dealing with me, God, and you. Me, God and you, in that order. Four and five is me. Swallow large chunks of truth about myself doing a four-column inventory on resentment, fear, and sex. Six and seven, I'll hook it back up with God. Ask God to remove the defects of character because I'll remove the wrong stuff. I will. I'll say, here, this one's for you but I will be holding on to this right now because I'm really enjoying it. Next week we'll talk, maybe we'll do a swap. I don't know. I'll do the wrong thing. So let God do that. Eight and nine, I hook it back up with you. I clean it up. My side of the street. I don't care about what's going on on your side of street because it's not my business. I'm very, very sorry. Here's your money. Get back in the house. That's what I do. Ten, eleven, and twelve keep me in the game. Same things. Me, God, and you. Ten, me. I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong I promptly admit it so I don'T develop resentments faster and die. Eleven, I seek God. I seek out through prayer and meditation. I pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. That's what I pray voor. That's it. No more deals. I don't cut deals anymore. Sell myself short every time. And I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. So I do that. My current sponsor is big on that. He was the one that directed me to get deeper into that aspect of my program. So I have. Twelve is the third side of the triangle. Unity is the body. I bring it here. Recoverage of the mind. I work the steps. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of that, the third side of the triangle, service. I can be of service. I can address my relationships with other people coming from a place of how can I help? Not because I'm a good guy, but because I want to stay sober. My purpose in life is clear to me. I didn't have one when I got here and I got one now. My job in life is to carry the message and practice these principles. To be of surface to the alcoholic in need inside and outside of these rooms. And that's what I do. And then to go out into that world anonymously and to take that attitude and those spiritual principles and that moral ethic and take that out into that world and do exactly the same thing. It's in a club. It's about being in the world. It's not just It's all about being able to be in the word comfortable as Earl and I got to work with new guys. I sponsor a lot of guys. I sponsor a lot of guys and people always say how can you sponsor so many guys? How many guys do you sponsor? I don't know. We think I don' t know 30, 40, 50 I don''t know. So how can you keep track of all those? I don ''t have to keep track of them It's not my job to keep track of them It's their job to call me I'm their sponsor And they call me They call me How you doing? I say good, I'm great How are you? And they say Well what should I do? I say I don't know What are you doing What do you want to do? Well I'm having a problem Really? How do you feel about it? You want to hear the facts about it No None of us ever got drunk over the facts Get drunk over The feelings How do we feel? I'm frightened Ah Now we're talking let's get into that man let's work on that let's see what's going on there how do you deal with that kind of fear what are you going to do with that kindof fear how doyou get out of yourself what are the things that get you through the low points in life on life's terms without creating any wreckage because the shit's going to hit the fan sooner or later I don't care how well you orchestrate your life something's going to happen somebody he loves is going to get sick somebody he love is going die somebody he loved is going tell you they don't love you anymore you're going to be sick someone's going to take your job away all that money you got It's going to be gone sometime. What are you going to do? Drink? No, deal with it. Deal with it, you know, accept the fact. Get the big picture. Understand that you're living in a state of grace. I mean, we're all going to bed soon, right? That's the way I figure it. We're all gonna bed soon. I'm gonna have this moment. I'm going to live right now and I'm gunna have a good time. I've been broke sober. I've had a lot of money sober. I've being in love. I've relationships end. I've people that I love dearly die. I've had guys that I've worked with give them everything I got and look at me and say I don't think so go out and drink and die I've hit people that I love murdered you know all this stuff it hasn't occurred to me to drink through any of it the reason it hasn'T occurred to me to drink is I've done the 12 steps and I've been restored to sanity I've bene relieved of the obsession to drink and use because Alcoholics Anonymous works because this stuff works it really really works and I gotta remember when I work with these new guys I've got to remember that they're new guys. I've been here 17 years, right? I'll go sit in a meeting and I'll listen to somebody like Al talk or I'll Listen to somebody Like Paul talk or I listen to some of these other guys icons and a these guys that have just been carrying the message for so long and have got this thing on such a level. He could have gotten it so simple or they've gotten it. So surreal that it's amazing, you know, and I listen these guys and I'm going to get little Eddie and Eddie's got 90 days and I hear Al's talking and I'm taking Eddie and I go and I get Eddie and we go to the meeting and Eddie, we're going to go hear Al. Great. So we go and we come into the meeting and we sit down and Al gets up to speak. Al is kicking ass, man. Al is on. Al's throwing the pearls out there, man, left and right and I've been sitting there thinking isn't this amazing? 17 years I get to hear this and understand this. And here's Lil' Eddie with 90 days, man, being exposed to exactly the same thing. I feel so honored to be a link in the chain that brings this amazing information to Lil' Andy. At 90 days he's getting the same thing I got at 17 years. It's amazing. Well what I forget is Eddie's having a fundamentally different meeting than I am. We're not having the same meeting. We're listening to the same speaker. And I gotta remember what I was like when I had 90 days going to Ohio Street on a Saturday night Trying to get to a meeting. And pulling up in the parking lot at the meeting, okay, we found the meeting. We found the meaning. Good, good, good. Park the car. Park the card. Go on. Put the keys on the seat. Put the key on the sheet. Put the Key on the Seat. Where are you going to put the key? Where are your going to fit the key. There's a guy with a red coat. We'll go by the guy with the red coat and sit with the guy with the Red Coat and put the Key in the gate. Good, Good. Walking around. Walking around, walking around. Walk around, walk around. It's going to start any minute. Don't worry. Just keep walking. Just keep moving. Keep moving. Here comes the guy. Here comes a guy, how you doing? I'm fine. How you doing. I'm Fine. How you Doing? I'm FINE. I'm fIne. I'm fiNE. They're ringing the bell. They're ringin' the bell, they're ringing the bell! Good, good, good. Go sit in the seat, sit in a seat, sit in seat, cat, seat, seat. Yeah, how are ya? Good. Fine, fine, fine. Love to go. Fine. Good. Good, Good. Here comes the guy. He's talking, he's talking. He's down. I kind of missed all that, but that's alright because I know there's more guys coming. There's more guy's coming. Here comes another guy. because I know they got chetified, chetify, chedify. They got a book. Okay, they really saw something. They really saw some. I'm missing things. I'm losing things. 12 things, 12 things. 12 things they have. 12 things and A. Remember there's 12 things Always remember the 12 things There's 12 Things There seems to be a lot of important things And then an A, a B, a C 12 things ABC 12 things A, B, C He's down I missed a lot on that but I got a lot of the other stuff I got it It's good It's great Whoa, whoa, whoa It's get It's getting He's now he's done He's another guy It's another game He drank, he drank, he drank. Good, he drunk, yeah. I did that, I did that. That's very, very good. He's down. I didn't get a lot but that was good. I like that guy, I like that guy. He's down, he's down. The pass in the basket, the pass in the basket, what the hell? Basket, basket, basket, there's money in the basket. Don't take the money. Let the money go by. Let the money go by. Let the money go by. Good, Good, good, good. Ring a bell. Break, break, break. We're going somewhere. We're not stopping. Let's smoke. Let's smok. Good. Let's smog. Let's snog. I'm fine. I'm find. There's a bell, there's a bell. We're goin' in. We're goin' in to find the seat. Where's the guy with the red coat? Red coat! Red coat!! Where's the guy? Where's the guy?? Good, good, good. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. They're reading. The guy's not. He's reading. He's reading. 12 things. I did that. I feel like that. I feel that guy knows how I feel and I get to sit here and he doesn't even know I Get to be here in alcoholics namas that guy. Knows who I am. I'm here. I'll hear I'm coming back I love this. I love it. He's down. I didn't get a lot, but I feel good I think you'd love what I feel, but they're saying the rough. We're holding hands for holding hands prayer prayer. I know this prayer. We'll say the prayer, we'll say other prayers. And I would lead the meeting, I would leave the meeting and I'm specked. I am so emotionally exhausted and a guy would say, how'd you like the meeting? I'll say, it's great meeting. That was great. And I Would Lead The Meeting All. And I gotta understand, and I am sitting there with Al S. 17 years later, and i got in Little Eddie and Al's ripping it and he's just taking this rip on the armor off me man. I am in the world and I love Alcoholics Anonymous And instead of being overwhelmed with feelings of rage and anger and fear and loneliness and hopelessness that was my life for so long, I'm sitting in a meeting listening to a guy and I'm so filled with love and feeling grateful and humbled by the power of this thing working in my life and not knowing how I got here or how it happened and it doesn't matter. I'm here. I've been restored to sanity. And it's all a result of the principles that are outlined in this book. and I feel so good and I am so passionate about my life and I'm so fired up about being in the world and having the fun and finding the grace and finding dignity and finding love I can't believe it how happy I am to be an alcoholic and I look down at little Eddie and I think bro are you with me what did you think of that and he looks at me and goes it was great and you know what his victory is as big as mine his victory is as bigger than mine because he's living in the same state of grace that I am and he gets his turn and he get's his opportunity to be an Alcoholics Anonymous and find his own way who Eddie's going to get introduced to is Eddie and he's going find out that Eddie's alright because I got introduced to Earl and there was no way I was going to find out Earl was alright. But you know what? Earl's alright. I'm having a very good time being Earl. I'm Having A Very Good Time Being A Member Of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'M Having A VERY GOOD TIME BEING Carl'S Friend. I'M HAVING A VERY GOOD TIME BEING Stephen Guy'S Friend I'M HAVE A VERY GOOD TIME LOVING Eva You Know What I Mean? I Mean Guys Like Me Don'T Get To Have A Sense Of Family Guys Like Me Don't Get To Be In The World We Just Don'T Everybody Says To Me When You Shave Your Beard Every once in a while, like I came here with a full beard, right? And I shaved this side stuff off this morning just for the hell of it. And somebody said, how come you don't shave the gray part out? You shave the stuff with no gray out and you leave the thing with the gray. Why do you do it that way? And I said, because the gray is a victory. Guys like me don't live to get to have gray hair. And I got some gray hair and I'm very happy about having that gray hair, I love that gray hair. And so, I mean, the good times ain't wasted on me, man. I'm having a very good time being in this world. If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, congratulations. There was a huge buzz in this room. I got my buzz. I'll share any of it. Any of my buzz I got. Carl's got the buzz. Steven Guy got a buzz. Paula Max got a Buzz. Annette Dejec got a buz. Millie got a Buzz, man. Millie was my mother the instant she met me. Just sort of mothering me. Right? Somehow she knew there was a little kid in here running around and she just kind of went, You, come here. Right? And you know what was really wonderful about that? I didn't hesitate to let her. She's clearly a mom. I'm going with Millie. I'm coming in because I love Millie, right? I mean, Scott's going to rip you a whole new buzz a little later. The other speakers, I mean there's amazing stuff going on around here because there's just worlds within worlds within world and this goes so far past my drinking and using it's unbelievable. It's a design for living as a way of life here and it is such a wonderful thing. I mean look at us. It's like a bunch of dead people sitting up looking at me in a club made in Mexico. At a club met in Mexico And we're having fun. These people, we don't drink. These people in here say, you know what? These people have a lot of fun, man. We have a ton of fun. We have fun. And we don'T break a lot of shit while we're doing it. That's enough out of me. I love you to death. Thanks a lot.