The Physical Allergy That Made Him a Periodic Drinker – Chuck C.

But really, this weekend, I have gotten to know Chuck and Elsa a little better. And I hope that maybe if I can continue to stay in this fellowship, that maybe someday I will have a small portion of what they have, not only individually but together. Will you all please help me welcome Chuck C. from Laguna Beach, California. Before I even tell you who I am, I want to apologize for the fact that I'm not prepared tonight. I intended to spend the day writing my talk for the night, and I got so wrought up about John the Indian who couldn't find any collateral. And I've been all day hunting collateral for John. And do you know something? I never found anybody in this audience that knew what collateral was. So I lost my chance to write my talk, and I've got no possibility of helping John. Because I don't know what it is either. My name is Chuck C., and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. Because of people like you, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and a God of my very own whom I found after I found you, it hasn't been necessary for me to take drink or a sedating or tranquilizing pill of any kind for something over 35 years. I thought for a minute you didn't hear me. We got an old boy out home that talks faster than I can listen. And he always says, uh, that might not impress you a damn bit, but it impresses the hell out of me and it sure does. a tongue-chewing, babbling idiot to have 35 years without a drink. It's something else again. I want to tell you a couple of little things before, again, before I get lost. Early on in my sobriety. One evening at a meeting, a chap came up to me and he says, Chuck, he said, do you know why it's so difficult for us to find God? And I said, no, why is it the difficult for us to find God. And he says, because he ain't lost. I think that's pretty good. And then sometime after that I'd gotten on the circuit for a little bit and I talked into a meeting in Highland Park on a Sunday night and after the meeting there were three or four five of us standing in the middle of the room with their arms on each other's shoulders sort of sharing the fact that it's so wonderful that people like us had found a way to live like this and there's one old boy amongst us that wasn't joining in very much and pretty soon he says he says you You know, I am a little out of place here. He says, I'm ignorant, I never read no books. He says there's no sense in me reading books because I don't understand them. He says, I don't know nothing about the Bible, I do not know nothing about God. But this no man can take away from me. When I do these simple things that this program suggests one day at a time, I find that I feel good inside and good things happen in my life. And I said, son, don't ever read no books no time because that's what it's all about. That we might feel good inside and have good things happening in our lives. And that's That's what this program has done for me. I'll tell you a little bit about me, and then a little bit about my last time out, and what's happened since. I drank for the best of my ability, for about—I started to say for the rest of my knowledge and belief, not my ability. I didn't have any ability in drinking from the start, but I didn' t know it. But I drank probably—I was going to say roughly, and it was roughly—about 28 years years, to the best of my knowledge and belief. And I can look over 28 years of drinking, and I can't find one place in my entire drinking career where I could honestly say that liquor added anything to my well-being. I don't have any nostalgic memories of good drinking times. Now, many of you do, but I don t. I just don't find one place in my entire drinking career where I could say liquor actually added to my life. To me it was always a robber, always a robbery. And yet, for reasons that I think I know, I kept doing it. I kept drinking. And I kept drinking, and I was out a good drinking time before Alcoholics Anonymous was born. See, I've had 35 years without a drink. Alcoholics Anonymous is 45 years old. And before it was born at all, I had run out of good drinking time. And I had become a periodic for the simple expedient of getting well enough to get up back in the ring for the next round. Because I had to beat this rap, I had to be beat it. And you can't find a very good battle when you're down on your back, you know? So it became periodic just about the time this program was born. And for the next 11 years, I was physically as dry as an empty night between every two drunks. Physically as dry of an empty tonight between every 2 drunks and I could look at my record with physically dry eyes and conclude after every drunk that had learned my lesson, the next time it's going to be different. And of course it was, it was worse just like it's always been, you know. And it got worse. For instance, first you start having a little trouble right around home, you get in a little trouble right where you live the most, and then your trouble spreads a little, and you start havin' trouble wherever you are. Wherever you are, your trouble is. And of course, uh, you start having a little trouble with the gendarmes. They start detaining you without your permission. And this is one of the things I can't understand because I never did in all my career. I never got to the place where I was comfortable in jail. You know something? I don't like it in jail! My family thought I loved it because I spent so much time there. I had a great deal of trouble with fleas. My bedroom would get ten billion fleas in, and I'd lie there trying to get rid of those fleas and I'd try to, you know, get them off of me. And they'd roll over my hands and I would wear myself out trying to get rid of those fleas. And then I just had to lie there and breathe fleas Now that ain't good living, really. It's not. The fleas finally became spiders as big as the top of this desk and they were always right above my head when I was in bed there and I'd see them up there and I knew they weren't there and I looked away determined not to look back because I knew they weren'T there but I'd look back again and there they were you know and pretty soon I look up there and I can't get my eyes off and there the are and they start coming right down to my face these great big old spiders And that's nerve-wracking, nerve-racking. The spiders finally became elephants. Now at this time we were living in Beverly Hills and I'm one of the few if not the only guy that lived in Beverly Hills that was ever charged by a herd of elephants. It almost never happens in Beverly Hills, but they damn near ran me out of the county. I had a good deal of trouble with music with no visible means of support. I'll never forget the first time I heard the music. It was probably about seven years before I got to program. I went to the kitchen after a glass of buttermilk, which was my tonic in the withdrawal period, and the old tea kettle was sitting on the stove. And out of the steam came the most beautiful symphony I ever heard. And I stepped back and I looked that situation over, and I said, this is the finest, most fabulous phenomenon of modern times. This old tea kettle has suddenly become a receiving set. And then I did a very foolish thing. I went out and herded the family in to listen to music. They couldn't hear a damn thing, and I thought they were nuts, you know. But the time came when I could hear a dozen bands at once. All of them would have a different announcer, and there was lots of good music, but there's no knobs. You couldn't turn it off. And it came out of peculiar places. Came out of the lights, came out the shower, came out the heater, came out of the toilets. Lots of awful good music, but no knobs. A little later on, I was having company when I was the only one in the house that had company. I think that this was one of the toughest things my family ever had to put up with. Here I am, you know, going through all the antics with my friends and my friends weren't there. I can imagine that's pretty gruesome for people that have loved you, you you know. And so, all of those things going on before I ever got a chance to stop them. It's a funny, funny thing to me that being a periodic, I had to go through eleven years of that, thinking all the time that my drunks weren't my fault. I always had somebody to blame. I never had one drunk that was my fault until my last one, not one. It was my wife's fault, she didn't love me enough. She was an awful good reason for getting drunk, but as good as she was, she couldn't hold a candle to her mother. Her mother had only one kid, and I was married to her. And she was living with us, and she had a grandstand seat watching me crucify her only daughter. and she didn't like me very good and I didn't like her that good we had a mutual hating society that was something beautiful to behold so she she was a very good reason for me to get drunk she lived with us for five years after I got sober and I'd give anything if I could tell you what this program did for her. It was terrific. So, I can understand why anybody that drinks all the time, a daily drinker, why they would keep on drinking. But it's the toughest thing in the world for me to try to explain me to me, because I was as dry as M tonight between every two drunks for eleven years. And I was still going through those antics. I had to win. I HAD to win. And again, I had to get well enough to get back in the ring for the next round, which I did. But the time finally came when I had my last go-round, which I want to talk a little about tonight. It started the Friday before Christmas, 1945. I had gone down to the office on the Friday Before Christmas and it was sort of like any other Friday Before Christmas except that when I got down there, I found a note that I was to see the boss. Well, I didn't want to see him because I knew what he was going to do. He was going to can me because I had it coming. But he said for me to come and see him, and I went to see him and he didn't shoot me when I walked in he started talking which was a good sign and he said something like this he says Charlie I was Charlie in business he says you've had a lot of trouble this year he never mentioned booze at all but he knew that I knew what he was talking about when he said trouble and he says i think i know the reason for it i think it's because of the pressure you're under and says here i'm going to take a little pressure off of you and maybe next year you won't have so much pressure and you won'T have so MUCH trouble and again instead of shooting me he gave me $3,000 for a Christmas present to take the pressure off of me now if you don't think he took the pressure off me you're nuts there's one thing worse for an alcoholic than bad fortune and that's good fortune so I got drunk on the way home now looking back on that I cannot believe that because periodics don't get drunk on the way home periodics never taper off periodics taper on we have a regular routine we drink till we can't get it down can't lead up and can't die and then we have to quit and in my day there wasn't any easy way to quit there wasn' t a hospital in southern California that would take a drunk a doctor couldn' t even admit an alcoholic to a hospital without calling it something else so there wasn''t any easy way for us to come off a drunk we had to die till we could get well and that's what I had to do all the time had to die to let me get well and so it's awfully difficult for me to believe that I could have gone that long convincing myself every time that the next time is going to be different and that I wouldn't finally come to see that it wasn't going to get better. But I didn't. So, I got drunk on the way home. Friday before Christmas, 1945. And I came to sometime after the middle of January 1946. Now, if I could remember taking the first drink or any of the middle drinks or the last drink on that trip I think I could come up with a reason to take the credit for the last 35 years but I can't remember one thing about it I can remember even taking the first drink or the next or the last but I came to sometime after the middle of January with the clearest head I've ever known in my life. Now, if my wife was telling this story, she would tell you that all through that period, which was three and a half or four weeks, I don't know what it was, I had destroyed seven quarts of whiskey every three days now that's what she says I don't say that because I don' t know I wouldn' t dare you know so I can' t argue with her besides I don''t think seven quarts is too much for three days if you only do it for three, six, nine twelve days something like that but if you do it three and a half or four weeks it's either too much or just enough and in my case it was just enough because I came to with the clearest head I've ever known in my entire lifetime before or since everything between me and me had burned out every excuse was gone and every I want was gone and I saw me as it was and I knew without knowing why that I'd lost the battle of life and it was the first time in 43 years that I had ever admitted defeat and I didn't know then why I had lost because I knew nothing of alcoholism I knew about DTs I knew about convulsions I knew about jails I knew about many things that are not nice but I knew nothing of alcoholism but I knew I'd lost a battle of life and I accepted that I knew why my wife after 20 years was devoting me And I might say quickly, without cause. And I knew that she should have done it ten years before, and I knew our kids wouldn't come home when I was around. And I know why the boss had sent word to the house that if I ever stepped foot in the plant again, he was going to throw me through the window, and the window to which he referred don't open. I also accepted death that morning because I'd come that close to it the next or last time out, and this was worse. On my next or last trip to the well, I'd gone through the living room on my way for a glass of buttermilk Mr. C and Richard were in the living-room they heard me let out a bella and heard me hit the floor and they came running out to see if they could keep me from swallowing my tongue because they figured I was in an alcoholic convulsion which was my want but I wasn't convulsing I was lying there on the kitchen floor as peaceful as anybody you ever saw they tell me I was a peculiar color I was blue and they couldn't wake me up and they got all exercised and called the oxygen squad to Beverly Hills Receiving Hospital and told them to send down a squad didn't see if they could do anything for me and they did and I have reason to believe they brought me to I remember what happened after he came to there's a young doctor with him and he said to me thusly he says to all intents and purposes you were dead he says we've had a hell of a time bringing you to. And it's our opinion that nobody will ever bring you to again under these circumstances. And then he gave me the finest piece of counsel I'll ever hear. He looked me right in the eye and he said, if I were you, I wouldn't do that anymore. Now I want to pass that on." Five of you wouldn't do that anymore. But I did it again, and the last time was worse than any of the other times. And the thing that pleases me the most about the whole deal, was that my wife and my kids had been praying for me to die for at least five years. And they came out of the kitchen and found me dead and called the the squad. That just blows my gourd. But anyhow, I remembered that morning that it had been my good fortune to read Jack Alexander's article in the Post in 1941, which was four years before. My wife had found it, had read it—she told you about that this morning, or last week, or sometime, I can't remember. It's been a long day. and she left it opened at the right page on the left arm of the chair I sit in right now hoping that when I came in if I came in I'd read it and evidently I did but I hadn't remembered anything about it until that morning because I was drunk when I read it And I remembered only two things about it, that drunks help drunks and didn't drink. They called it Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said to myself, if I ever live to get out of this bed, I'll find AA. And immediately the curtain dropped. My little period of sanity was gone. And I was sick and to death drunk and insane. and I had a lot of dying to do before I started getting better. But from the very second that I committed myself, if I ever lived to get out of this bed I'll find an A until right now, I've never had a drink or sedating or tranquilizing pill of any kind such is the great significance of this thing called surrender surrender surrender is victory for the alcoholic this is the most misunderstood experience of human life I would rather be able to explain surrender to one audience than to be president of the universe, but it cannot be done. It's impossible to explain to another individual what it means to surrender. But surrender is victory for us. This is a battle we win by giving up the fight. Insofar as I am able to perceive, the greatest line in our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, is we cease to fight anything or anybody. It's a fantastic thing. And that's what happened to me. I died to self in January 1946. Now, I take total credit for the first 43 years of my life. I had 43 years in which I was the master of ceremonies and the star show. I ran my life for 43 years, and I failed at the ripe old age of 43 in every department of life. I failed as a husband, a father, a businessman, a man, and a drunk. And for that I take credit I take absolutely no credit for anything's happened since because that morning I had only one piece of unfinished business to take care of before died and it was going to die because nobody could live under the conditions that I was under at that time and the only thing I had to do that was important to me before death was to rub out as much of the record as I could before dying. That's the only thing I hoped for. And in order to rub out the record, I had be able to live right now without drinking. And I started hunting for Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, my keen alcoholic mind told me it would not be in the telephone book. You are anonymous, aren't you? They don't anonymous in the phone book. So knowing you weren't in the Phone Book, I never looked. Which is the story of my life. I knew so damn much that wasn't true I couldn't learn anything that was. So I had to call people and ask them if they knew anybody that knew anybody, and I'll call it synonymous. And I got a hold of the guy's name and telephone number from a doctor in Beverly Hills who was a member of the Society. He was a motion picture man, and uh, I called him up. a few of you in the audience that are old enough to remember him. He was the original Boston Blackie in the movies. So I called him up, and we talked a little while, and he confirmed the fact that he was a member of our society, and that he would like to take me to meeting but he couldn't do it that night because he had to work so he says i'll call me tomorrow and maybe tomorrow night i won't have to work and i'll take you to meet so i called him tomorrow and we talked a little while and he says you had a drink today and i said no but he says don't take one i'm still working call me again tomorrow and the third day I called him and we talked a little bit and this time I said I know you're still working you don't have to take me to meetings where's a meeting I can go to and he told me and so it was only ten minutes from my house and I decided to go and I was pretty pleased with the whole situation until about ten minutes before I was supposed to leave for the meeting. And then I did the unforgivable thing. I started to think. That's our downfall. That's the reason we're all here. We're thinkers. I have only one piece of business yet to do before I kick off. I'm going to take the whole United States and Canada going to every group and every club in the whole territorial expanse of United States and Canada and I'm gonna pick up every one of those signs that says think, think, think. And I'm gonna have me a bonfire. thinking's our trouble, it isn't alcohol. So, I started thinking. And my mind again, my keen alcoholic mind said to me, look son, you've lived in Beverly Hills a long time and it just might not be good for your reputation to be seen with a bunch of drunks. Now, you never will know how funny that is. Because I'd spent just about as much time in the Beverly Hills Jail as a jailer in the last ten years. And I was concerned about being seen with a bunch of people that are trying to do something about your drinking. But I talked myself out of it by agreeing with me that I would disguise myself a little so i wouldn't be readily recognized and i'd go to meetings so i did and i went to meet and it was a big hall begin this and there's a back door and the back door was open and i stood there in the back door and looked at about 35 people in the middle of that room every one of them talking and nobody listening And it's been that way ever since. So again, my keen alcoholic mind told me, they've given you the wrong information. This is the wrong night. These are the veterans and their wives, and they're here for a party because this is Veterans of Foreign Wars Hall. and I said to me now you're going to have to leave and come back the night the drunks are here because you didn't look like me and you weren't dressed like me and you most certainly weren't talking like me because it was all happy talk I couldn't hear a word really to make out a word but it was happy talk so I knew you weren' t drunks they'd given me the wrong information it was the wrong night and I was going to have to leave and come back at night to drunk through there and I turned to go now in my opinion the next minute of this thing is Alcoholics Anonymous it's the very essence of AlcoholicsAnonymous it's the reason that our program works somebody in the middle of that room had been watching me and when I turned to leave he came running over the door and he called after me he says mister were you looking for somebody and I said no sir well he says what were you looking for then and thinking it was a veteran I said to him well if it would interest you sir I was looking for sobriety and everything about that man changed just like that It was just like he had hit a light switch. He lit up all over, and I was hooked before he ever opened his mouth again. Here was a stranger, a man that I'd never seen before in my life, who was so glad I was there, he lit up like a Christmas tree, and my own flesh and blood wouldn't even spit on me. Now somebody in this audience knows what I just said. And again, I was hooked before he ever opened his mouth again. And when he did, this is what he said. He said, Why take off your hat and coat, you're in the right place. And he took me in and rocked me to sleep. Now he didn't know it but my hat and my coat was my disguise! So he stripped me before he ever took me in, he didn't even know it. And this is what they told me the first week, now mind you this was over thirty-five years ago and it's more indelibly embedded in my heart and my mind than last night's beating. The first thing you told me was, if you're an alcoholic, one drink is too many and a thousand aren't enough. The very first thing that you told us. It's the first drink that's killing you. Now that had never occurred to me. I'd never heard it and I'd have never thought of it. I thought it was the last gallon. I'd been trying for time to knock it off before the trouble started. And here's the very first thing you told me, is it's the first drink. It's the 1st drink that you must not take. And I played with it a while and bought it, and I've still got it. The next thing you told me is, today is the day we don't drink. This is the most wonderful thing in the world. Today is the Day We Don't Drink, you said to me. If you'd have told me that I had to be sober thirty-five years, I'd drop dead. If you'd have told me 35 days, I'd have dropped dead. But she didn't. She said, today's the day we don't drink. And then you went ahead to say to me, if a day is too long, how about an hour? Can you live an hour without drinking? Make that the length of your life. Live an hour and don't think. Don't drink and then do it again. But, said you, the very first night, regardless of how long you live in Alcoholics Anonymous, never expand that time more than 24 hours. That's as long as you'll ever live in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I played with that a while and bought it, and I've still got it. It's the second greatest lesson I've ever learned in my entire lifetime. This is my day. I have no past, I want no future. It's fantastic. Two things, two comments about this. For the first several months, or two or three months anyway, that I was in Alcoholics Anonymous going to a meeting every night, I thought that we of Alcoholics Anonymous had come up with the 24-hour way of life. I thought we'd coined it, you know. But after listening to you people say the Lord's Prayer for a few months, I got another idea. I thought, well wait a minute now. Somebody a long time ago knew about this 24-hour way of life because there's a line in that prayer that says, give us this day our daily bread and don't say a thing about two crusts to wake up on tomorrow morning. So I had to believe that somebody else that found out a while back. But it's the second greatest lesson I ever learned. You see, the past is nothing but guilt. Nothing but guilt, and the future is nothing but fear. If I had to depend on what I read in newspapers, what I hear on the TV and what I see going on in the world today for my security. I'll call it synonymous. That is very encouraging. But of course, when you don't live in the past and you don'T live in the future. You've got both the guilt and the fear. And you know where your security comes from. My security is my own relationship with my very own God. And that's all this security I need. It's terrific. So the one day at a time, I highly, highly recommend. Second greatest lesson I've ever learned in my entire lifetime. The next thing you told me is stay close to us. Stay close to us. Get into as many meetings as you can. Because, said you, there is more wisdom in this room about your problem and its answer than in any other room on the face of the earth except another room just like this where Alcoholics Anonymous members are meeting. so stay close to us and I've done that I've attended near five than four meetings a week for 35 years and I haven't attended one too many and you might say to me how do you know it's very very simple I never had it so good this is the only good life i have ever known in my entire lifetime this is the only easy life that has ever been mine in my anti-lifetime and i'm not about to change a winning formula i will be attending my meetings until you pat me in the face with a scoop and it's not going to be any chore for me. It's no chore for me to come down here because I love these meetings I love this program and I love its people and actually that's the only reason I came down here to tell you I love you I love you to death you don't have to change nothing for me to love you If any of you happen to be nibbling today You don't even have to quit that If you're liars, you don't have to Quit that If you thieves, you dont even have To quit thieving You know Because I love you Because I happen to know who you are Whether you do or not In 35 years with people like you. I have come to see clear through me, clear through me, that the first two words of the Lord's Prayer mean exactly what they say. Our Father God. Everything in me knows that that's true. My hair and my toenails announce it. our father god now if that be true you can let your imagination go absolutely crazy and you can't even get close to the truth of being itself my father god i his kid it's fantastic and it's true so we're a pretty fortunate bunch now the next thing you told me was why I can't drink like other people this is the only information in an intellectual nature I think that you and I need that we didn't have when we got here first meet why can't I successfully during liquor. This used to just drive me nuts because it was obvious to me that the people that were drinking and not getting into trouble were not nearly as intelligent as I was. A bunch of tramps, really. But they weren't getting into any trouble. I was the guy who getting in trouble and I couldn't understand it so it's good to know why we can't drink like other people you told me that first night the very first night you said that we were people who could not successfully drink liquor and of ourselves we could not success fully keep from drinking liquor they They explained it as an allergy of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind. The allergy of body being physical, the obsession of mind being mental, of course. And they said that there wasn't a doctor in the world, including Dr. Mooney, in collaboration was Dr. Hunter, that there wasn't a doctor in the world that knew why our bodies could not successfully handle liquor. It was unknown to anybody and they thought that nobody would ever find out. So all we could do was to accept the fact that for some unknown reason our bodies could not successfully handle alcohol, and then turn to the other half of the disease. Our program has nothing to help with the physical aspect of the disease of alcoholism. We just accept it and then turned to the the other half of the disease. The obsessions of the mind that cause us to take the first drink, and that's what our program is all about. To find a way to live that does not include the necessity to take first drink. That's what the program is about. Now I happen to be very fortunate because I got to the program surrendered totally even without wants so I was very very fortunate but if we haven't been surrendered before we get here. The first nine steps of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous are specifically for that purpose, to surrender us, to rid us of the bondage of self. That's the first nine steps of our program and it's the finest formula as far as I'm concerned that was ever conceived in the mind of man through the grace of god for that purpose finest program that has ever conceived the mind a man to the grace god for obtaining and maintaining sobriety now i say that for a reason what time is it am I out of time okay now I ask you if you could run me out of here I'd quit now so now you're going to have to stay till I quit that will be long about midnight I had the good fortune of knowing pretty much the whole quartery of the first people that had something to do with this program. I spent much time over a 20-year period with our beloved Bill and his lady in their house and in ours. I met Dr. Bob and Ann early on. Didn't know them too well, but I'd met them. I knew Ebby quite well. I knew Dr. Tebow, Dr. Shoemaker, Father Dowling, the whole bunch of them, Sister Ignatia, spent considerable time with them. And I particularly had much time and much conversation with our beloved Bill. And he told me that when he sat down to try to write chapter 5, including the Twelve Steps, that up until that time they'd had only six, maybe seven steps that came out of the Oxford Movement. And they were trying to get something to hurry the book along. Now his and their motivation wasn't entirely altruistic. here was this bunch of guys meeting in Bill's kitchen and Lois was the only one who was working she was working in Macy's basement getting them a little something to eat and they were all starving to death and they got the idea of writing this book which was supposed to help drunks but was maybe mainly Supposed to make some money So they could get off the hook And Bill said when he sat down To write this deal He was totally Vacant He said he never had such a feeling Of the inadequacy in his life And he sat Down and started trying to write and in 30 minutes he came up with the 12 steps and they have never been changed in essence there's been a few words changed but the essence of the 12 Steps have never been changed and it's for this reason that I say the best formula that has ever been conceived in the mind of man through the grace of God It is out of this that I came up with the thinking that there are two kinds of depressions, and Bill was subject to both of them. There's the depression of the ego, which is not real good. That's poor me, and Phil had those pretty bad in his life. Some of them lasted a long, long time. And there's also the depression of the spirit, which is a good thing because it's a feeling of inadequacy and it leaves us wide open for the influx of the divine wisdom in which we live and move and have our being. And insofar as I am able to perceive, that's where our Twelve Steps came from. It's a terrific thing to me—the greatest program, the greatest formula that was ever conceived of man through the grace of God for obtaining and maintaining sobriety. But it has two other aspects that are just as beautiful as that. It's also the formula for the good life and the formula for self-discovery. Self-discovering. Many, many amongst us think that this is a program of self-improvement. We get it to a considerable extent in our country amongst the youngsters mainly. We have a lot of people, though, all over the world who think they have to continuously keep working on their defects of character. It's been our privilege also, Mrs. C and I, to visit with our people almost all over the world, talking and listening in four corners of the world. And I find people all over the world thinking that they have to pull their defects of character out of the fire and work corner, you know. I find that that's totally contrary to the way I understand or misunderstand our book because our book says that we're supposed to take the first three steps which are decisions the first three steps or decisions the next two steps our action four and five and the next to again our decisions and it doesn't tell me in that series that I'm supposed to be able to do away with my defects character it It says, I take number one, two, and three in my mind. I work on four and five. I write an inventory and share it. Then I become willing to have God remove all these defects of character and humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. In other words, we become willing to give this mess away and give it away. And to me, that's it. I wouldn't go working through those things daily or weekly or monthly for all the tea in China. I lived that stuff for years, and I went through it 35 years ago. And I became willing to give it away, and he gave it away. And I haven't had to go through it again. I notice in our grapevine we get a lot of writing particularly out of well I will not say that you read the grapevine where they are advocating that we continuously work on steps four and five that is not in my book any place and I have not done it and I thank God that I haven't because once was enough to go through that and once was enough to share it which I did and I got rid of it we also have a great set up out on the coast particularly amongst the youngsters where they have meaningful relationships. God, all of them are having meaningful relationships Now when I was a kid they called that shacking up But they've got it in another bracket It's a meaningful relationship. And they call me and they say, Chuck, I'm mad at God. And I say, you are, huh? What is it this time? He's taken my meaningful relationship away from me. Now, God's taken them away. Five days later, they call to me and say they're double mad at God. Because he hasn't sent them another replacement for their meaningful relationship. God Almighty, I have been using a bad term with them. I say you kids are making it necessary for me to decide that you're making a pimp out of God. You know, I don't think there's any God any place that has nothing else to do but to furnish me a bedfellow. I don' t believe that's in his plan for us at all. But my God we have it all over the place. there and it's a it's something I guess we just got to work through so maybe it'll come out good after a while or maybe I will see the wisdom in getting me a couple of meaningful relationships. It may be I wouldn't be surprised that my age has a little bit to do with this. Maybe if I was their age I could understand it a little bit better. But anyway, yes, so far as I'm concerned, alcoholism is a living problem and you and I have to have a living answer. We have to have a living answer there's only one reason that I'm not drunk tonight just one I have the thing I was looking for in the bottle I've got it and what is the thing it's the ability to live comfortably peacefully and joyously with myself. Something I never had until I found you people and started doing these simple things. I never have. I walked alone for 43 years of my life. I didn't want to walk alone. I tried to get saved at 13 and couldn't make that. Preacher tried with me, and we worked at it pretty hard. But he finally got tired out. And he said to me, well, he says, when you get baptized, it'll happen. And when the ice went out, I went in. And He ducked me. And When I came up, He said, how you doing? I said, no good. I'm all wet. But nothing else has happened. And so he says, well, when you're formally taken into church, it'll happen. And I was and it didn't. And i spent the next 20 years straight, 30 years straight from 13 to 43 trying to find out why. I got gypped and I never found out. And I came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous not looking for God, not even thinking in terms of getting any help from God. I came to find out how I could live today without drinking so I could use the time rubbing out record because I didn't want my wife and kids to remember me as nothing but a tongue-chewing babbling idiot drunk. And I started trying to rub out a record 35 years ago, and this is the way it happened to me. After six months of a meeting every night, I discovered that I hadn't had a drink or pill for six months. And I was so tickled. I got lost in trying to give it away. And another six months went by. And I had another discovery. I discovered I had a family. And they were living like kittens. and that ain't a bad discovery and another six months went by and I discovered I was still down in the office trying to clean up my desk and business was good business was good and that was a pretty good discovery another year went by and I found out and I had discovered that my state of being was better than anything I'd ever known in my entire lifetime. It was just good to be alive, to be breathing in and out. And another time went by, six years when it was, and I discovered I was never alone anymore. I had a God of my very own, and wherever I am, He is. Now this was the series of discoveries that went with my first six years. The God of my very own, wherever I am, He is. And I've never been alone anymore. I'm often by myself, but never alone. Now if you'd ask me the first six years why I did what I did, I would have told you to rub out a record. If you'd asked me after six years I would have told you to help God's kids do things they needed to have done because I wanted to and to close up I'm going to tell you how it started and quit the first conversation I had of a serious nature after I came to in January 1946 was with my wife she was in the process of legally divorcing me at the time. And I called her in, and I said, Honey, it's no longer of any consequence to me whether or not I live under this roof. It is of absolutely no importance to me at all. I'll never ask a thing of you as long as two of us live, but one. If I ever have anything that will add to your life, let me give it to you. And we closed the book, and it's never been reopened. I went down to the office before I had found you because I knew where the office was and I didn't know where you were it took me a little while to find you so I went down to that office knowing that the man was going to throw me through the window and knowing that he could because I was puny I wasn't well man but I had to go because he'd paid me for something the year before that I hadn't done and I had to go down there and I did and he saw my old car in the parking lot and he knew I was on the premises and he knew I wasn't going to stay and he came busted into my office like a bull in the china closet and I couldn't have defended myself with a shotgun. Because I didn't have the shakes, I had the leaps. And all I could do was sit there and say, Victor, leave me alone. I don't work for you anymore. I'm down here to clean up this desk. I am here to do the things you paid me for last year that I didn t do. And as soon as I get even with you, I ll get the hell out of here on my own power. You'll never owe me a penny as long as you live, but for God's sake, leave me alone. I've got to get even with you. And he stopped in his tracks and he says, what the hell's happened to you, Charlie? And I said, don't know. And I didn't. But he didn't throw me through the window. I sat down at the same desk that I had hated, doing the same job that I hated for the same boss that I'd hated, and there was only one change. was my motivation. I was down there to rub out a record and I started trying to rub out of record. Eleven years later, I bought that business and when I sold it I was a very wealthy man and I didn't even know I was getting wealthy. I wasn't trying to get wealthy. I was just trying to rub out a record. Just helping people do things they needed to have done because I wanted to. And I got rich. I never went to a doctor. It took me three and a half years to get over falling on my face after my last drunk. And And I never went to a doctor, because there wasn't any sense in going to a doctor when you weren't going to live to enjoy it, you know. So I never wanted to go to the doctor. I just fell on my face so that I could walk. And I haven't fallen on my face for a long time, and I didn't go to doctor. I didn't spend five seconds trying to change the mind of my wife or the kids. And we've had thirty-five wonderful years, far exceeding anything that had ever been in either her or my expectancy. So I have to conclude a few things, and they're not exactly according to what many of you believe, and I don't care. Because I don' t care whether I'm right or wrong. All I care about is that I never had it so good. And I sort of like it the way it is. Because you see, I believe what I believe, not because somebody else said it, but because it happened to me. I've changed everything that I run into that don't fit. I changed my own 11th step in the bookie. I'll tell you how my 11th Step reads and has for a long, long time. I get up in the morning and I say, look, Dad, I'm reporting for duty. Now I'm going to move it around. I'm gonna do the best again with what I got today. And all I want out of you is a little guidance, direction, power to carry it out. Sure, thank you. And I go about it by business. And I do what is indicated. And I never even think about it. I just do what's indicated. And that's all I've done for the last 35 years. And it's been enough. I changed one line in the Lord's Prayer, because I don't like it. Ever since I was a little old kid, I could not believe that there'd be a God any place that would lead me into temptation. I didn't like that line, so I changed it. I changed to, Thou leadeth us not into temptation, but delivereth us from evil. Now that makes sense, and I like it. And when I got big enough to buy me a Bible of my own, a direct translation from the Aramaic which was the tongue of Jesus I found that the direct translation is thou leadeth us not into temptation but delivereth us from evil so I like it pretty good and I also changed the line in St. Francis' prayer there's a line there you know that says, and in dying that we awaken to eternal life. And I said to myself, I'm not going to wait till I die to awaken to internal life. He must have had something else to, some other meaning for that. So, I said, I know what he meant. He meant it's in dying to self or surrender that we're awakened to eternal life. And then I said to me, wait a minute now. If you took all the Catholics and all the Southerners out of Alcoholics Anonymous, you could hold an international convention in a telephone booth. So I reckon I better check it out with the authorities in the Catholic Church before I started telling their people that I'd changed St. Francis' prayer. So I called up Manresa. Manresas is a Jebby retreat house out there in our country. And I knew all the Padres out there. I don't happen to be Catholic. But I knew all the Cadres. I got old Father Toner on the line and I said, Father, listen to what I did to St. Francis' prayer, for it is in dying to self or surrender that we awaken to eternal life. Do you know what that monkey said to me? He said, what the hell do you think he meant? Just like he had known it all his life. He never even thought of it until I told him, did he? What the hell did you think it meant, he says? dying to self or surrender now lastly it's about time I think I'm just about to get down seven eight nine ten ten o'clock I've still got Los Angeles time here I don't want to be wrong when I get home I can be wrong down here but I don' t want to be wrong when I get home I am totally convinced, clear through, that the only roadblock between me and you and me and God is the human ego. The only road block there is between me, and you, and me and god is the Human Ego. The human ego is duality. Me against God, me against you. Me against the world. Conscious separation is the best definition you'll ever hear for the human ego. And it's got to go by the boards. This is the purpose of the first nine steps. To be rid of the bondage of self, which is the human ego. And when that is gone, there's nothing between me and you and me and God. The thing that I would rather do, as I told you in the beginning, than any other thing on the face of the earth is to be able to explain what happens in total surrender because you don't want anything for yourself anymore rubbing out a record and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous are equal and identical and interchangeable because the only way you can rub out a recording is to do something for somebody without a price tag on it It's the only way you can do it. You do it for free and for fun because you love it. And that's all I've done for thirty-five years. And my life has been so fabulous that I can't even tell you, can't even tell. My business life was the most fabulous thing in the world. The whole time I owned my business, I never had the scratch of a pen in the place. And a little deal for me was twenty-five thousand, a big one that was a quarter of a million. And I never had the first scratch of a pen on anything. I just helped people do things they needed to have done because I wanted to. And nobody ever beat me out of a dime or asked me to change a price. It was the most fascinating thing you've ever heard tell us. Most recently I was spending the evening with the West Covina Group, which I do every year of the world on their anniversary. And a gentleman came whom I had done hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of business with. And I was up in front and I saw him coming down the center aisle. I knew he wasn't an alcoholic, and I was wondering why in the world he was there. So I went out and met him, hugged him a little, told him I was glad to see him. I said, Why are you here, Bob? Well, he said, I was talking to so-and-so, a friend of his and a friend mine. And I said what are you doing tonight? And he told me. He was going to an AA meeting, and he says, Do you know who you're going to listen to? And he says yeah. Who is it? Oh, Chuck C., he says, can I go with you? And he came along. And so I told him I was glad to see him. And I introduced him to three or four of the guys that were standing around me because we were up in front waiting for the meeting to be called to order. Bob stood there looking at the floor. and he says to these men he says gentlemen this is the only man I ever did business with that I never asked to write down anything and here I stood it was time to say something so I said that's right Bob that it's also true that I've never asked you to write down anything either isn't it? And he says, yes. Now every businessman in this room knows that that's a lie, but it isn't. And I'm not telling you how good I am. I'm telling you how good this thing is. We come to see that it's true that every good and perfect gift is from his hand. Fear not, little flock, it's the Father's good pleasure to give us the kingdom. Take no thought of tomorrow, what you shall eat, what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed. The Heavenly Father knoweth what ye have need of, for he hath. You see, all these things are true, and all you and I have to do is to act like are true. For instance, the only way that anybody will ever know that Alcoholics Anonymous works is to work it. There's only one person in this room, I expect, that's ever seen me drunk. That's my wife. I don't know, maybe my nephew and his wife have seen me drunk, but I don't think so. So you don't know whether I'm drunk or not. I might be a liar. I might have joined this leper colony because I'm queer for donuts and coffee. You get the hell. So you can't take my word for it. The only way anybody will ever know that the program works is to work it. And the only way that anybody will ever know that God is sufficient unto all of our needs, is to act like it and prove it. And the verse in the other book that covers that is, Act as though I am, and I will be, saith the Lord. So we act like his kids and prove that we are. And I highly recommend And again, this is the only easy life I've ever known. The only good life that's ever been mine. And I'm so grateful I can't see it. I love this program. I love its people. And I love the God that I have found. Walking with you. thank you very much for allowing me to be with you for this weekend you are in my heart and you always will be I love you God bless you thank you thank you very much Let's remain standing and close with the Lord's Prayer, please. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and glory, forever and ever. Amen. Keep coming back!