The pharmaceutical Deceit That Led to a Relapse in Nepal – Ann B.

I'm Ann, alcoholic addict. Good morning, Ann. Good morning. Where do we go? Go, go. I don't know. No, no. I will go with the flow, flow, flow. And that's all I know. No, no. I am talking about right action. And I'm going to say what right action is not first off. When I came here I had a little financial stuff going on where I thought I was going to have more money in my account than I did. Which means that I knew I needed to have money for parking and I got two little kids that were saving these little boxes for collecting coins for kids with cancer for school so their biggest thing is to scrape every penny and every quarter and everything from the car I usually have money in the car, you know, some change and stuff. And I thought, what am I going to do? So I knew that Tony was going to put 50 bucks in my account on Friday. But anyways, so what I thought was, what are we going to do because I have to pay for parking? And I though, well maybe I'll take a dollar from the tea donation jar. And that is not right action. it is not it's a thought I had I didn't do it I managed to find an exact dollar fifty cents and I know that sometimes I feel because right action one of the things is about not stealing and sometimes I just feel like this sense of entitlement like well and then I have the idea that I'm going to put it back but that doesn't necessarily always So that really isn't necessarily right action, but I'm grateful for the fact that I didn't take the dollar. For one, I didn' t want anybody to see me. Okay, so right action. That is abstaining from harm any sentient beings, which is something that I understand the principle of not murdering or not harming animals and things, but there is an issue. And I remember that movie about that gal who went to India and she got to sit in all these mosquitoes and she allowed them to bite her. And I don't know, you know, she must have really been out of place because it's a hard thing to do. I mean, I could think of the mosquito as a little set of lungs and this little life. But, you know, there's extremes, I guess, to everything. So, you knowing kind of what is right for you or what is right for me because one doesn't want mice infested in their house and what are you going to do? So that's one of the things is not harming sentient beings. um doing no harm intentionally or delinquently is a part of right action taking what is a given stealing deceitfulness or dishonesty and then three is sexual misconduct i'm just going to give you a little bit of my story um i came here two years ago and i wasn't well and somehow i came upon this because i had done a training for um uh a mindfulness training a couple years before so it came up and i and it was just like one of those moments where i don't know how it was on my screen and i just I knew bam that I had to go to this so following that right action in my mind I rationalized it that I was going to a training from work but in my heart and my soul I knew I was going because it was where I needed to be so I came here two years ago and that was kind of a real first acknowledgement of the start of my journey and that was a really good thing for me to do I did take a vow that I would abstain from alcohol and smoking marijuana and that was a very miserable year and I had this idea that things were going to be better and they were not so I couldn't quite understand why I was doing that it didn't really make a lot of sense But what had happened was my increase of pharmaceuticals. I wasn't seeing that as an issue. So then I came back last year as well, again. And I knew that year was a big, I had to come. I really didn't want to come at all. But I knew I hadto come because in people's minds, you know, I had said I'm going to do this vow for a year. And so then there was the idea, okay, Anne's done with doing this vow. You know, you're kind of done with that. And I knew I couldn't be done with it because I knew it wasn't something I could just be done with. So I came and that was a really hard thing to do. And people were talking about the steps and this connection. and I had really no concept of what they were talking about because I hadn't gone to AA. I didn't really understand the philosophy of it. I thought I could just do staying sober on my own, and I kind of grew up to be really independent and, you know, isolating, doing it all on my home. Very hard to ask for help. Very hardto pick up a phone and even call somebody in my family. So when I was here two years ago, a really nice person gave me a phone number and I put it at my desk at work. And I remember thinking to myself, why would this person do this? She doesn't even know who I am. I could be a stalker or I just thought it was so weird that she would give me her phone number and she didn't know who i was, you know. Now I understand it better but I would look at that number and it just kind of floored me. so anyway then i i still proceeded to go on and um then uh i was miserable and i by my higher power i do believe i hit a place where i was hiding in a coffee shop and i was gonna go to yoga and i Was just so miserable and I thought this isn't cutting it and I looked up AA on my phone, I went to a meeting I sat in the parking lot you know all that stuff, gonna run out the door you know some gal came there was all guys so I'm like oh this is not right you know but luckily a gal came in and she started talking and I was like cause I was about ready to bolt for the door so anyway so I started going to AA and it took a really long time I just sat in the corner and you know did all that kind of peace but I knew it's something that I had to do because of the fact that I was in a place where it was either get healthy or I would need to leave my kids and my husband because I couldn't deal with you know situations that were happening so it was just something I had to do. And so I was very grateful that I did do that. And Right Action has told me to keep coming back and keep showing up. And the first time I called somebody, I mean, it was just like, I don't know how heavy the phone was. It was just, like, I don' t know how long it took me to think about calling somebody. I've actually had about 10 phone lists. And, you know, I called her and I left her a message and asked her to be my sponsor. And I didn't get a call back from her. And it was a Sunday and I was going to take the kids somewhere. And the bear, she's my oldest, she said, no, let's go to this park. And for whatever reason, I said, nope, this is where I'm going to go today. And And it was at the Frost and Stream Coffee Shop in Waconia. And lo and behold, there's this gal who I called to be my sponsor. And she said, oh, my gosh, Ann, she couldn't figure out her phone. She couldn't call me back. And I was like, wow. It was just, it felt so right. And I Was So Thankful That I Listened To That Intuition because it's something that being sober, you know, I feel like I have to pay attention to a lot more. I say it's women's intuition or everybody's intuition or, you know, listening to that gut feeling that says I don't really know why but I have to turn this way or I have go this way. And sometimes when I do that it's like I'm so thankful that I actually took that action. So I got a sponsor and I was still using pharmaceuticals and I knew something wasn't resonating right for me in group because I just kind of felt like I was being deceitful to myself. And so I sort of realized this isn't working. You know, I see people and I see what they have. It was sort of angry. I was angry to see these people happy because I wanted it, but it's just the path that we take to our own path. And so I got my 24-hour coin, and I felt really good about that. And I had my sponsor, and then I got this great opportunity to go to Nepal. And I always wanted to go there. And so, I was going there for three and a half weeks, and my sponsor said, you know, check out groups and stuff. And I thought, checkout groups? It just, I didn't, you Know, I Was feeling overconfident. And I think that my actions were, you know, I had wishful thinking of me being sober. The truthful thinking was I was still really at a place where, you know, just my personality of I'm going to be a competitor and I'm going to just get this sobriety thing. And that's really, you now, day-to-day in how everything goes. You know, you live and learn. So anyway, I had a relapse when I was there. It was a great, wonderful experience. I went there to be mindful, and what I understood was that when I am using, I'm completely unplugged from the community, from the feeling of being connected. It's just a big, big I, and there is no getting out of that. And when I was sitting in Camp Mandu for the last four days with my pharmaceuticals, I was reading my meditation book, and every day it was something about slipping. And in my mind, I'm like, oh, yeah, I am just going along. Nothing, I mean, you know, in my head, it's just, it really amazes me how I can feel like I'm so rational. And then I look back and I see behaviors of things that I was doing, And I could have really made some, you know, life-changing mistakes because of the fact that I was using. But I wasn't – I just – you know what happens, cunning, baffling, and whatever. I don't know how I stood in front of that pharmacy because I was boycotting them all, just going along, and, you Know, life just happens, you Now. But I got back home, and I got Back on board. and um and so on the 12th it'll be my three months and i do know that things are happening i get frustrated and angry but right action the other day i got in a place with my husband and it was in the morning and he's loud getting the kids ready and all this that and the other and I'm trying to stay calm, and I had read my thing. And then all of a sudden, I just started going into the old temper tantrum, and it was a pretty good one. And, you know, and being a parent, you know, I just sometimes want to paint my kitchen, you know, there's no room for guilt, but there's always going to be guilt, you But, you know, I do the best I can, and I'm trying to do that. But what I had done was I laughed and I yelled and I screamed and all these little faces look at me like, ugh, you don't want to see this lady because she's got the look, and it's not a good one. And I see their faces looking at me, and they look kind of scared and freaked out. And I just, you now, but I left and I went and I sat at the parking lot My normal thing would have been was to just be pissed off, to go to work, to stay pissed off all day. It was his fault. I'm going to wait for him to give me an apology. How dare he? And just really like when we were having that compassion meditation the other day and there was this idea about putting the person in there that you love the most. I just kind of started bawling because this is a person who I believe loves me greatly and supports me yet when i was trying to think of him to be that person that i i want to give love to and give health and strength to i had a really hard time doing it because i'm in a pattern sometimes where i feel so um mad at him all the time for stuff you know and everything's his fault and I'm learning. So my story was, I left the house I sat in my car, I went to the grocery store got a pack of cigarettes, and I sat there and I went back home and I ran up, and he's a talker I'm a talk er, we cut each other off so I said, okay, I want five minutes on the clock and I looked at the kitchen clock. I said, I've got five minutes. Okay. I sat down. It was about my daughter Bailey. She loves to wear funky clothes. It was just kind of really weird. It didn't have a lot of real big effect, but I just was real, you know. So I told him how I felt about it, which is something that I think I have the grace to do because of AA because I'm learning how to actually speak you know, and say how I feel instead of just react. And so he let me sit there and talk, and I tried to keep my voice regulated and not get upset. And he just looked at me, and he said, okay. He said, I have absolutely no rebuttal. He said I was not prepared for that. I mean, you'd be prepared for me to come in the house and storm. So that's one example that I have of right action. You know, a lot of times I think that stuff isn't working. But, you know, my sponsor said, Ann, you had a good 25 years of being a really good addict and you worked really hard at that. And I used to say I'm proud of being because my family is a good beer drinker and I used to think that was a great thing they passed down to me. But,you know, I worked hard at doing that. and so she says, you know, in a small period of time just be gentle and she reminds me that I'm human and to just have the ability to pick up the phone and call somebody which is right action as well is pure joy. It's a wonderful thing. Okay, thank you so much. Thank you.