The Ism Is the I — I Separate Myself and Call It Being Different – Bob D.

My name is Bob Dale, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm sober today only through the grace and power of God in the program, in the people, and in the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'd like to thank Dale and the members of the committee for the privilege of being here.
This is a great conference this weekend.
I'd like to thank Dave for introducing me, and I've got to tell you, I don't believe anything your sponsor told you about me.
It's not true either.
And there's a lot of, I'm really happy to be here.
There's a lot of people I've seen here that I haven't seen in a long time, a lot of old friends.
My dear friend Chuck Roberts, he said he'd give me five bucks if I mentioned his name from the podium.
And I was supposed to be here last year, and I was, prior to the conference, I took a, went over to Hawaii for, to Maui for three weeks.
And a friend of mine over there loaned me his Harley Davidson, and I crashed it on the side of Haleakala,
and ended up in the intensive care ward of the Maui Hospital with seven broken ribs and a broken collarbone and a ruptured spleen on a morphine drip.
And the problem is, I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know.
I bet you I had, no exaggeration, 40 or 50 phone calls or visits every day from members of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I'll tell you something, it's pretty hard to appreciate a good morphine drip with all those interruptions.
But, I was afraid I was going to get out of the hospital and start stealing my friend's TVs or something, I don't know.
But I, I got through it.
And it was the first time since 1978 I ever had to take any kind of medication.
It scared the heck out of me.
It terrified me.
I was afraid of, see I'm the guy they talk about in the big book, and I was afraid that phenomenon, that would set off that deal inside of me, that phenomenon of craving.
But I'm here.
Which is an example that you can go through surgery and all kinds, accidents and all kinds of things and still stay sober.
That God is.
That God is more powerful than anything.
That we have unconditional sobriety here.
I saw that there was a lot of new people, and I really want to welcome you.
I'm real glad you're here.
I may even be more glad you're here than you are.
If you got to Alcoholics Anonymous the way I did, ending up in AA was, was some, was the pits.
I mean, it was one of the worst things I ever had.
I mean, I've walked, I've, I've woke up in wet pants, and I thought ending up here was worse than that.
I mean, you know.
But I got to tell you, if you're new, and if you poll half the, if you poll everyone in this room that's sober over three years, you'll find two things in common.
In every single member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The first thing you'll find in common is that none of us really wanted to be here and come here.
And the second thing you'll find in common is that every one of us, after we come here and make the connection, we realize that this is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to us.
Absolutely.
Thank you.
I'm not a recruiter for Alcoholics Anonymous.
I kind of think we're overcrowded as it is.
But if.
If you're new and you suffer from the same disease that I have, I, I hope you find something here in AA that I found.
I, I'm the guy that they, they talk about in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'm the real alcoholic.
It says in there that most of us that have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics.
And there was something about me that didn't want to be here.
There was something about me that, that kept telling me.
I was different.
I'm special.
I'm not quite like you people.
And if, if alcoholism is anything at all, I think the ism is the I separate myself.
There's something unique and special about me that's not like you.
I'm a different case.
I'm unique.
And so I, I remember coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous as a young kid.
I, I started drinking when I was about 12 years old.
And by the time I was in probably 20 years.
I was ending up in institutions and, and I was introduced to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I remember sitting there and I'm 20 years old and back in those days there wasn't any young people in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'd look around the room and there were people there that were 35, 40 years old.
I mean their life was over.
I mean, you know, I know why they quit drinking.
They had nothing to live for anyway.
But I'm 20 years old.
And I'm really just a victim of circumstances and a lot of bad luck.
And I'm one of those kind of guys that no matter what happens to me, after it happens, I always have a reason.
Right?
I, I've never done anything out of line that I couldn't explain to you afterwards why I did it and it would make sense.
But one thing peculiar started, I started noticing it even though I'm not really an alcoholic.
Every time I drank, I kept.
I was standing up where all the alcoholics were at.
I, in hospitals and county jails and Salvation Armies and Hope Rescue Missions and all those places.
And I, I started to get desperate.
And I tried to listen in AA thinking, well, maybe there's an answer here.
Because I tried a lot of things.
I tried a lot of therapy.
I came from a family who was, who sent me to psychiatrists and psychologists as a teenager.
Nothing seemed to change anything.
I was one of those guys that was under the illusion that if I could uncover maybe some kind of magical moment in my youth,
when I was a little kid where someone said something that hurt my feelings,
I could uncover that and like a helium balloon, soar into mental health, you know.
And I, I, I traipsed around in my childhood.
In therapy for a number of years and nothing ever changed because nothing ever seemed to change who and what I was.
My very, I am, I am what they talk about in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'm the alcoholic.
I, that is part and parcel of who and what I am.
It's a, it's a spiritual malady and there's, as far back as I can remember,
there's always been something not quite right about me.
And I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and as a young kid and I, and I,
you know, my head is,
doesn't want me to be here.
And one thing, back in the early 70s,
and I, I don't know if, if it's that common out here,
but I would go to meetings and I never heard anyone ever talk about anything except drinking.
Now, I'm a real alcoholic, but I also grew up in the late 60s and early 70s.
And if you grew up in that time and you ran on the streets that I ran on,
we were chemically well-balanced people.
I mean, you know, we,
and that's not,
and it's not that I'm not a real alcoholic.
I am everything it says in the book,
but I did some other stuff.
I, I was one of those kind of guys that if you invited me into your home,
I'd ask to use your bathroom and I, I'd go through your medicine cabinet
and I'd just take whatever's there.
I'd, sometimes I'd get real, I'd fall down and other times I'd be up for days.
Sometimes I'd get real regular.
I probably took enough of those wheels.
There's no chance I'll be pregnant this century.
But I, but I would point at that, you know, and it's, see, I'm different.
I'm not like you.
And the funny thing about alcoholism is it doesn't make any difference
whether you believe you're an alcoholic, whether you want to be an alcoholic.
If you are, you are.
And there's a spiritual axiom that people who argue with the truth get sick.
And I argued with that.
No, I argued with that.
I argued with it and it, I just got sicker and sicker.
There's another thing that, that really made me crazy and,
is that people in AA talked about God a lot.
And I had a problem with that.
I, and I, I thought I was the only one.
And find out later there's a whole chapter in the book,
We Agnostics, for people like me who have a problem with God.
And I was raised in a real religious upbringing.
I went to Catholic school.
And I went to church a lot.
And I was an older boy and all that stuff.
And as a little kid I tried to be a good Catholic and do all the right stuff.
But I could never measure up.
I, now looking back, I got to be objective.
And I got to tell you that looking back,
what was actually said to me by the nuns and priests
and what I heard may not be the same thing.
And the reason I say that is I suspect,
I am suspect that the receiver might have been,
might have been a little distorted back there.
Because there are kids that I went to Catholic school with
that are still Catholics, right?
And if they heard what I heard,
I don't know that they would still be Catholics, right?
I think I have the ability to hear about the glass being half empty
rather than half full.
You know, I'm that kind of a, I'm always, I seek out the negative.
Anyway, I heard about this God who existed to judge me.
And he had all these things I'm supposed to learn about.
So I have to do.
And they're on certain days of the year.
And there's these religious holidays and all these rituals.
And I have to learn how to do them or else I'm screwed.
And then there's all these things that I'm not supposed to do.
And I can't do them.
And if I do them, I'm in a lot of trouble.
I'm going to go to this place called hell
where they burn you and torture you forever and ever.
And it's awful.
And it never ends.
And it's just, it's awful.
And the nuns told me, they said,
even if you're good enough,
not to do the stuff you're not supposed to do,
if you just think about doing it,
you're screwed.
And I'm one of those kind of guys,
you tell me not to think about something,
that's all I think about.
I'm just one of those kind of guys.
I remember as a little kid,
in grade school, the nuns would say,
you've got to be pure of thought, word, and deed.
And it's like X-rated movies that start going through my head.
And I'm a little kid and I'm trying to be good.
And I'm like, oh,
jeez, I don't want to think this stuff
and I can't stop thinking it.
And they told me, for guys like me,
who are always out of line and can't think right,
that God shows his mercy
and there's hope for people like us,
that he's created a place called purgatory.
And in purgatory, they burn you and torture you
and it's awful,
but it only lasts for a couple hundred million years.
So, not to offend anybody,
but I get to be about 12 or 13,
and I'm 12 or 13 years old
and I discovered masturbation
and I could picture a meter in heaven
kicking off the millions of ears.
And I haven't even done anything yet.
I'm just practicing, you know.
So, I have all those feelings
and all those fears
and all those prejudices
and all those preconceived notions about God.
And I had made a choice as a little kid
that there must not be a God.
And I come to Alcoholics Anonymous
and you open that issue again.
You open that can of worms for me.
And every time I would sit in a meeting
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and someone would talk about God,
it was like a steel door would slam in my head.
I remember one time I was doing time
as a guest of a county up in Maine
and from the big state prison,
they brought in an AA group
that were all trustees
to give a talk in there to the inmates
and all the people.
And I said,
you know,
in the county,
Saginaw County Jail.
And there was this one guy,
he was a speaker.
And I was,
I'd been to some AA meetings before.
But this guy,
I had never seen anyone in Alcoholics Anonymous
like this guy.
This guy weighed about 250 pounds.
He had like tattoos on his arms
and he had long hair and a beard
and he was a biker
and he was in there for murder.
I mean,
he was like a man's kind of man,
you know.
I just kind of got,
I would have drank with this guy,
you know.
And,
and I'm listening to him
and he's telling these great stories
and oh,
it's,
I didn't do a lot of the things he did have,
but I would have liked to,
you know what I mean?
Right?
And then he talks about getting sober
and he talks about God,
how God's changed his life.
And I remember sitting there
thinking to myself,
my God,
what have they done to him?
You know,
you know,
this is a great guy.
I mean,
what have you done?
What have you done to him?
You know,
I knew guys like that,
you know,
that would do,
that I grew up with in the 60s
and early 70s
that would drink too much wine
or they would do too many drugs
and next thing you know,
they're,
they're standing on a corner somewhere
with a Bible,
you know,
or they're at an airport
with a starter rope
coming out the back of their head
chanting,
Hare Krishna.
You know,
and you know,
it's like you feel,
you know,
right,
you feel sorry for those people,
right?
And I'd say,
oh,
they're burnout.
Right?
And that's,
so I come to Alcoholics Anonymous
and that's the way I felt about,
about this thing,
about God
and when you talk about God.
I had a tremendous resistance
and I would sit here
and it seemed to me
that everyone in AA
just was comfortable with this.
They didn't have any problem with it.
And once again,
I felt separate
and like I didn't fit.
And I think
more than anything
is that
I'm the kind of guy
that when I stop drinking,
something happens to me
that is unbearable.
I stop drinking
and a hole starts to open up inside of me
that is hard to live with.
And I would sit in the middle of meetings
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and I would look at you people
and to me,
what I observed
is that you were people
who stopped drinking
and you became whole.
You stopped drinking
and you became happy.
In the discussion meetings
I used to go to
back in Pennsylvania,
it seemed like
everyone who spoke
was more grateful
than the person
who spoke before them.
I mean, it was like
my wife just died.
I'm so happy.
And I'm not grateful about anything.
I don't feel like you look.
I have a discontent
and an emptiness inside of me
that I can't even feel.
I can't even put into words
because I can't really tell anyone
because they're going to say,
well, Bob,
what's wrong?
And the problem is
that nothing's really wrong.
It's just that nothing is right.
Abstinence from alcohol,
to me,
I always felt like a fish out of water.
I love W.C. Fields.
He says,
I was sober one time.
It was the most boring 45 minutes of my life.
And sobriety, to me,
always felt like I was doing time.
And I sit in the middle of a room
full of people who are sober
and they're happy
and you make me crazy
because I don't feel like I fit here.
And I don't know what you are.
I know that you're not drinking,
but whatever you are,
whatever's wrong with me
can't possibly be the same thing
that's wrong with you.
And I don't tell anybody this
because I don't know
how to put it into words.
And A.A. is so crazy.
You know,
I kept getting sent to A.A.
over and over again
and I don't know what you...
It's like you were such...
You were so bizarre.
First of all, you're happy.
You're not drinking.
You're grateful for everything.
You're so enthusiastic about life.
You remind...
And you talk about God.
You remind me of a cross
between the Salvation Army and Amway.
You know, just...
Just a...
Right?
Right?
And here I am.
I'm sober
and I'm locked up in here
and I don't fit out here with you.
And so I came to the conclusion
that whatever's wrong with you
can't possibly, possibly be wrong with me.
That I am different.
I am not like you.
Yes, yes, I have an alcohol problem.
I got the DUIs.
I got all that other stuff.
I got it.
My God, I drank myself into homelessness.
But when I stop drinking,
I don't feel like you guys feel.
And if you're new,
I really hope you hear this.
Is that what I was doing
is that I'm sitting in a meeting
of Alcoholics Anonymous
with untreated alcoholism
comparing what it feels like
to have untreated alcoholism
to what you look like
with the outward manifestation
of a program of recovery
in your life.
And I'm sitting in a meeting
in your life
and I come up different.
I could come up nothing but different.
I'm the real alcoholic
that Dr. Silkworth talks about.
You take alcohol out of my life
and I'm restless,
irritable,
and discontented
unless I can again experience
that sense of ease and comfort
I'd once found in taking a few drinks.
And if I can't find it
in taking a few drinks,
I'm going to find it in something else.
I'm going to find it in her
or it
or gambling or whatever.
I'm going to find it somewhere else.
But you,
you take alcohol out of my life
and I'm done.
I don't fit anywhere.
And I don't understand.
I know one thing about me
at this point in my life.
I know that I can't drink.
I don't understand why,
but I know that every time
I pick up a drink,
I get in a lot of trouble.
And I would hear people
in Alcoholics Anonymous
talk about this disease that we have.
And I thought to myself,
that's a cop-out.
That's not a disease.
And I hear people mention this,
what Silkworth says.
Silkworth says that we are people
who have an allergy to alcohol.
And unlike other allergies,
it doesn't manifest itself in hives.
When I take a drink,
it manifests itself
in what Silkworth calls
a phenomenon of craving.
And I remember hearing people
talking about this craving.
And I thought to myself,
I've never had a craving for drinking.
But the peculiar part
about a craving
is that you don't realize
you have it
until it's interrupted.
Most of us,
all of us,
at this very moment,
have a craving
that none of us are conscious of.
And it's a craving to breathe.
But if you would sit,
go out here to the swimming pool
and go down to about three feet depth
and sit there for a couple minutes,
you'll realize you have this craving for air.
And my craving for alcohol
was a lot like that.
But most of the time,
I couldn't see it
because it was never interrupted.
And I was sitting in a meeting
of Alcoholics Anonymous one time.
And this woman was sharing
and the beauty of AA
for a guy like me
is that no one in Alcoholics Anonymous
has ever tried to tell me about me.
Because you can't.
I am so defended.
I have such defense mechanisms
that if you try to tell me about me,
my defense mechanisms
come into play
and I can't hear you.
But in AA,
you broadside me.
You trick me.
You tell me about you.
And so my defense mechanisms are down.
I'm listening to you talk about yourself.
And I go,
oh yeah,
I'm like that.
Whereas if you were to try to tell me
I was like that,
I couldn't hurt it.
And I'm listening to this woman
share her experience
and a light went on
and I remembered something
that had happened to me
when I was about 18 years old.
And when I was 18 years old,
in my way of thinking,
there was no way
I could have been an alcoholic.
And I was dating this gal
and I guess she must have thought
it was getting pretty serious.
She invited me over to her house
to meet her family.
And we were supposed to have dinner
and it was one of those long all-night deals.
You know, I always hated stuff like that.
Like you're under the microscope, right?
And they had a bottle of wine with dinner.
And I always drank
with a sense of urgency.
I don't know why.
I think evaporation
is some kind of childhood issue.
But because I drink real quickly
with a sense of urgency,
I got two glasses of wine
out of that bottle.
And I've done two glasses
and they're sipping on their first glass
and I'm sitting there
and I've got two glasses of wine in me.
And I'm starting to get a little antsy.
I don't know about alcoholism.
I don't know about phenomenon of craving.
I don't know about any of that stuff.
And I finally blurted out
how nice the wine is.
I'm sure like another glass.
And they said,
well, that's nice.
We don't have any more.
And they went back
to talking about Vietnam
and the sports and everything.
I'm sitting there
and I'm getting a little crazy.
And I don't understand why.
And I finally blurted out
about how much I like beer.
And they said,
well, that's nice
but we don't have any beer.
And they went back to talking.
And I finally said,
how about a cocktail?
And they said,
well, we don't have anything.
And they went back
to doing their thing.
And I'm sitting there
and I'm going out of my mind.
My head is going faster and faster.
I don't understand.
I have this feeling like
it's like I caught myself wanting,
they're talking,
yammering on about all this stuff.
I wanted to scream at them
to shut up.
And then I caught myself
and I thought,
well, why do I feel that?
They're not doing anything to me.
They're nice people.
I'm going nuts.
I excused myself from the table.
I went to the bathroom
and like an animal,
I went through all the cabinets in there
and I found a bottle of cough medicine.
It was alcohol
and codeine and turpin hydrate.
I remember sitting down
on the edge of the bathtub
and like a crazed animal
chugging this bottle of cough medicine,
so I can think.
And I remember finding the cough medicine
and it's like,
it's pouring it down
and it's like all of a sudden there's hope.
You know,
and I sit there on the edge of the tub
and I came up with a story
and I went back out to the dinner table
and I was very gracious
and I told them about this thing
I had forgotten about
and I was so sorry
and I hated to have to leave
and they were real nice
and we'll have to do this again
and oh yes, we will.
And I got out to my car
and I drove like a,
like a gentleman
about 20 miles an hour
down to the end of the street
and then I drove 90 miles an hour
over to a friend of mine's house
who had a bar in the basement
because I had two glasses of wine.
Now I was the only person
at that dinner table
that was an alcoholic.
If those other people
had been alcoholics,
we'd all been in that goddamn bathroom
looking through those cabins.
But there's something,
I have this thing,
this thing,
this phenomenon of craving
that other people don't have it.
And I,
even several years
after I was into Alcoholics Anonymous,
I secretly believed
that everyone who drank
got that kind of effect from alcohol.
That every drink makes you feel
like you want to have another one.
But Silkworth says that's not true.
He says that we are set apart as a class.
We're the only people
that ever experienced that.
And I thought for a long time
that just other people,
for some reason,
could control it.
And we can't.
And it really,
I really saw that
what was really going on
when I was about four years sober,
I was dating this gal
who wasn't an alcoholic.
And we'd go out to dinner
and she'd order a drink
and I swear to God
it would take her a half hour
to drink it.
I mean,
the ice would be melting
and she'd stir
and she'd take a little sip
and then talk for ten minutes.
Right?
I mean, that's alcohol abuse.
You know what I'm saying?
And I was like,
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And then she'd do
the most bizarre thing
I have ever seen.
She'd order a second drink
and she'd take a sip or two
or maybe drink half of it
and she'd push it away
and she'd say,
I don't want any more.
I'm starting to feel it.
It would be easier for me
as an alcoholic
to have sex
and after two strokes
say,
I don't want any more of that.
I'm starting to feel it.
Then it would be
to do that with alcohol.
And I started
to realize
that I really am
different from those people.
See, my friend,
when she took
two drinks of alcohol,
she got a feeling
like she was losing control.
I take two drinks of alcohol,
I get a feeling
like I'm getting control.
It does something for me
that it never does
for normal people.
They'll never understand it.
And I think we,
as a class,
are as baffled
by the way they drink
as they are
by the way we drink.
They think we're,
you know,
it's like we think
they abuse alcohol
and they think we abuse alcohol.
I mean,
it's just bizarre.
I'm the,
now,
all of that
would be academic
and in the early 70s
in a treatment center,
when they told me
I shouldn't drink,
I would have said to myself,
you know,
you're right.
I'm never going to do that again
except there's another part
of this disease
and it's what almost killed me
and I think
it's what kills most of us
is that when I stop drinking,
something happens to me
that's unbearable
and I'm that fish out of water.
And I,
I'll tell you how I got
to Alcoholics Anonymous.
I,
the last time to stay.
I,
I was arrested for a,
in Pennsylvania
for a felony DUI.
They,
they say I stole this car.
I really,
really borrowed it
but that's beside the point
and I had an accident
and a hit and run
and I was sentenced
to two years in prison
and the judge
stayed the commitment.
He said,
you don't have to do the two years.
You're going to have to,
you have to find
a long-term treatment center
and we want you to go in there
and we want you to pay these fines
and these court costs
and report to this probation officer
every week
and at the end of the year,
you come back before me
and if your record's clean
and everything,
we'll reevaluate this
and you may not have to do the two years.
So it was a good deal for me.
The problem is
I can't stay sober for a year
and I'm in this treatment center
and I'm,
it's,
it's the only place
I could get to take me.
It wasn't even,
it was more like,
it was more like a mission.
It was on the north side of Pittsburgh
and they housed about
200 homeless alcoholics
and they would take some people
out of prison.
It wasn't even a treatment center really.
It was run by a guy
in Alcoholics Anonymous
and I,
I tried to stay sober there
with everything in me
and I had tried before.
I know what it feels like
to be determined
not to ever pick up a drink
and just get to a point
where I feel after a while
that if I don't take,
if I don't have a drink
or do something to change the way I feel,
I'm going to lose my mind.
And I eventually took a drink
and the phenomenon of craving kicked in
and I couldn't,
I couldn't stop
and I was on the run.
And I started,
me and another guy
started hitchhiking to California.
We thought if I could,
I thought to myself
if I could make it to the west coast
maybe I could not get caught by the police
and maybe I could survive another winter
because I almost froze to death
in the streets of Pittsburgh
the winter before I,
I was homeless.
I know what it's like to walk
all night long
because it's 10 degrees
or 15 degrees out
and you can't sit down
because if you sit down
you fall asleep.
And if you fall asleep
and it's 15 degrees out
it's 15 degrees you're dead.
So no matter how sick you are
or how tired you are
you walk.
You walk all night long.
And I thought if I could get to California
I might survive
and I made it as far as Las Vegas
and I was with a bunch of drunks.
We just seemed to be magnets to each other
and I bailed out of their van
and checked into a detox.
And I don't know what had happened to me.
For a long time in sobriety
I couldn't explain it.
But something had changed.
And maybe I,
when you're done,
you're done.
And I think what had happened to me
is that I knew something about myself
I'd never known before.
What brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous
it seems like looking back now
was not the homelessness,
it was not the shame
of the things I did
to the people who loved me.
It was not the wasted jobs
and the broken relationships.
And all that stuff
is really painful
and it's part of my story
but that's not what broke my spirit
and brought me to that point of surrender.
What brought me to that point of surrender
is that alcohol did all that to me
and at the very end
it took away its effect.
And at the end of my drinking
the worst blow of all
is that I sold everything I had
my self-respect, everything else
to keep this party going
and I couldn't even get high right at the end.
At the end of my drinking
I'm not the guy
that's sitting there
passing around a bottle of wine
laughing and telling jokes
and part of the crowd.
I'm not the guy
in some skid row bar
that's down by the pool table
shooting pool
and having a good time
and talking to the girls.
At the end
I'm the guy
that's sitting all by himself
drinking,
looking out at the people
that are having a good time
and wondering
what's wrong with me.
Because I could remember
when alcohol did for me
what it was doing for them.
And I hungered for that
with a desperation.
Because at one time
see I'm one who believes
with everything in me
that alcohol for a number of years
was a treatment
for the spiritual malady of alcoholism.
Alcohol in the early days of my drinking
was wonderful.
You know I can
you've probably had these experiences
where you walk into a party
and you don't know anyone
and you feel like everyone's looking at you.
And you just
you want to crawl under
a table
somewhere
and four or five shots of whiskey
and you're dancing
and talking to people
and you're the center of attention
and you fit.
In those days
alcohol relieved me
of the bondage of self.
In those days
alcohol was a treatment
for the spiritual malady of alcoholism.
At the end of my drinking
alcohol no longer did that.
Alcohol
left me desolate
and sad.
And stuck.
And that's in 1978
I ended up in this detox
and the party was over.
And I was desperate
and I was demoralized
and I was ashamed of myself
and I felt hopeless.
And I didn't think
I was going to stay sober.
I had tried sobriety many times.
And I've tried
you know the problem with
with me
in trying to not drink
is that I come off a run
and I'm like
I'm so beat up
and so determined
never to pick up
a drink again.
And I got this big picture
in my mind
of how awful it is.
And what happens in time
if the picture is like
a smoke signal
it starts to dissipate
and get hazier and hazier.
And as it's getting
hazier and hazier
the emptiness of sobriety
is getting sharper and sharper.
And the loneliness
and isolation
of not fitting in this world sober
gets bigger
and the memory
of the suffering
humiliation of the last run
gets smaller
and more diminished
and more hazy.
Until finally
it looks like
it's a real good idea
to pick up a drink
because I can't stand
this anymore.
And in 1978
I'm in this detox hospital
and they're getting ready
to discharge me.
And I didn't think
I'm consistent.
I felt so bad.
I felt so hopeless.
What I really wanted to do
is I wanted to find
the courage to kill myself.
And I'm in this hospital
and I know I'm getting out soon.
I know I'm going to drink again.
And I don't want to drink no more.
Because I know the truth now.
I know I can
no matter what I drink
no matter what drugs
I mix with it
I can no longer
get the sense of ease
and comfort
I found as a younger guy.
That the party is over.
And yet I know
something else.
I know I can't
not drink either.
I don't have what it takes
to stay away from it.
And one of the women
who worked in that hospital
who ended up being a member
of my home group
she was a member
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and she had mentioned
in passing
a prayer in the big book
of Alcoholics Anonymous
on page 63.
It's the foundation
of Alcoholics Anonymous
our third step prayer.
And I don't know why
I remembered her saying
mentioning that page
but in a
in a moment of desperation
in a hospital room
all by myself
I picked up a big book
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and I opened it
to page 63.
And in the middle
of the page
is a prayer
and I started to read
the prayer
and it didn't make
any sense to me
because it's the
and now
and it's all that stuff.
But in the middle
of the prayer
is a line
it says
relieve me
of the bondage
of self.
And I read that line
and I threw that book
across the room
and I started sobbing
and from the bottom
of my heart
I said
God
please
help me.
And I said that
because when I read
that line
relieve me
of the bondage
of self
it was like a gusher.
I knew
all of a sudden
I knew the reason
I was going to drink again
the reason I was homeless
the reason my family
would no longer
talk to me
the reason I was
all alone
and I might get the courage
this time to kill myself
is because of me.
And I don't know
how to be anything
other than what I am.
I tried in therapy
I tried a lot
of different times
you know
I can't tell you
how many times
I've said to myself
okay I'm going to
change my attitude
I'm going to be different
and I'd go out
in the world
and things are not different
because I'm the same
because everywhere I go
there I am
and I felt so hopeless
because I can't
get away from me
and I knew
I was going to die
because I can't
get away from me
and I said
the first real honest
prayer I ever said
in my whole life
and that was
my moment
that was the beginning
of my sobriety
and from that moment
to this
I've made a commitment
to come here
and do what you people do
and to buy the whole package
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and those of us
that stay here
are people who do that.
The reason I got to that point
I understood later
a guy gave me a book
to read when I was
sober a while
it was a novel
he actually gave me
a whole box full of books
because he heard
I liked to read
and I'm reading this novel
and there's a story
in this novel
about these scientists
that were doing experiments
with laboratory rats
and they found
that in the brain
of a rat
is a thing
they called
a pleasure center
it's in people too
it's in a person
it's what allows you
to experience
the euphoria
from drinking
so these scientists
took these rats
and they put
two tiny wire filaments
into that part
of the rat's brain
and they would pass
a mild
undetectable
electric charge
and the rat
would get loaded
so they hooked up
the juice
to a pedal
in the rat's cage
and the rat would learn
he could hit that pedal
and get high
so the rat would lay
on the goddamn pedal
he don't eat
he don't sleep
I mean you can
parade lady rats
in front of him
he says
not now baby
I'm partying
and he would hit
the pedal
until he dies
until he dies
we all understand that
what blew
my mind
is that after a while
they'd take a rat
that's been hitting
the pedal for a while
that was almost dead
and they would turn
the juice off
and this time
the rat would go back
and hit the pedal
and nothing would happen
and he'd hit it again
and nothing would happen
and he'd hit it again
and again
and nothing would happen
and he'd finally realize
that the party's over
and in every case
the rat would
instead of being able
to go back
to just being a rat
in every case
he'd curl up
in a ball
lay on the floor
of the cage
to die
and he'd go back
to just being a rat
and he'd curl up
because without the juice
there's nothing
to live for
and in 1978
in a moment of desperation
I felt exactly
like that rat
I didn't think
I was going to get sober
I thought I was done
and I started
doing some things
that I'd never done before
I got a sponsor
I still have him today
he's sober
33 years
he's
I can't
I could talk an hour
about the things
he's done for me
and how the times
he's helped me
and I thought
and I started
following his directions
and I never
I'd been around
Alcoholics Anonymous
for a number of years
but I never did the deal
I would just come
to the meetings
and nothing would change
and if you're sitting here
and you're
you've been coming
to Alcoholics Anonymous
for a number of years
and nothing's changed
I want to tell you
that this
is the fellowship
of Alcoholics Anonymous
it is not
the program
of recovery
and guys like me
die in the rooms
of Alcoholics Anonymous
if we come here
and all we do
is become part
of the fellowship
the fellowship
of Alcoholics Anonymous
was never designed
and is never suggested
as a program
of recovery
there's only one thing
in Alcoholics Anonymous
suggested
as a program
of recovery
these are the steps
we took
which are suggested
as a program
of recovery
and in 1978
I fell into a handshake
of a sponsor
who believed
in the big book
of Alcoholics Anonymous
he believed in service
he believed in
buying the whole package
and he started
to walk me
through this process
of AA
and it
started to change
my life
my sponsor
got on this kick
when I was new
he
he just had me
read this one part
of the book
over and over
and over
from page 60
to 63
and I know
that some of you
have read it
it's about the actor
who wants to run
the whole show
who's forever trying
to arrange the lights
the scenery
the ballet
selfishness
self-centeredness
and I'd start reading that
and I would go to my group
and I could look around
and I could see
how there were people
in my group
that were doing that
it became real clear to me
there were some people
in there
that were running the show
and now I knew
why my sponsor
wanted me to read that
so I could enlighten them
and I'll tell you
it's a tough
lonely business
when you have that awareness
of how people really should be
and what they're doing
and everything
and that sense of urgency
to tell them
and there's
interestingly enough
there's a line
in the 12 by 12
it says that
we will always see
our defects of character
in others
before we can see them
in ourselves
and that's what was going on
and then there came a day
a glorious day
in my sobriety
I was sober
a little while
and I was
I was secretaring
this meeting
and I had this new guy
that I was
brand new
I was working with
and I told him to meet me
at the meeting early
and I'm going
to stop
and get some styrofoam cups
and some
I think some sugar
or something
for the meeting
before the meeting
and I get to the grocery store
and I've had a tough day
I've had one of those
kind of days
I'm working as a cashier
in a store
and the customers
are like annoying me
you know
they're just bothering me
all day long
and I'm the only one
that's doing any work
you know
and it's just
I'm getting
real frustrated
I get to the grocery store
I get my stuff
I get the nine items
or less line
there's some woman there
with twelve items
you know
and I'm
in my mind
I'm committing murder
you know
I get in traffic
and I'm afraid
I'm going to be late
to meet my newcomer
and I'm driving
like a maniac
and there's some woman
that's going about
three miles an hour
below the speed limit
and I want to run her
off the road
and I'm like a steam boiler
that's just boiling
building up steam
right
I get to the meeting
and I sit my newcomer down
where I know
he's going to hear the message
and I wait
until the right people
come in
and I get them
to chair the meeting
you know
and I
they start the meeting
and they ask for a topic
and one
there's some guy in there
that's a drug addict
and he starts talking
about drugs
and then some other guy
cuts him off
and starts yelling at him
you can't say that here
some guy jumps in
to defend him
and it's like a war
and I'm sitting there
my
like
ready to explode
my newcomer
is not hearing
what he's supposed to hear
you guys are ruining
the whole deal
and I'm like
I realize
that I'm probably
the only one
in Alcoholics Anonymous
that cares about
any of this stuff
right
I'm about ready
to quit AA
I throw the literature
into the bag
after the meeting
I storm out of there
and I go home
and I'm done with you
I'm done with
Alcoholics Anonymous
I'm done with
the whole deal
and I call my sponsor
because that's what
I'm trained to do
my sponsor says
read page 60
through 63
of the big book
Alcoholics Anonymous
there I am
right
it's not Joe
and it's not Bill
and it's not Mary
it's me
and I started
to get a glimmer
of the exact
nature of my problem
big book says
it's selfishness
self-centeredness
that we think
is the root
of our troubles
and I have never
run across a problem
since I've been
sober that that
wasn't the deal
there's a part of me
it says in there
the first we must
quit playing God
it didn't work
there's a part of me
that just loves
to play God
yet I couldn't see that
I remember going
to my sponsor
in early sobriety
with lists
I would sit in meetings
and I would notice
this guy's cheating
on his wife
and this guy's got
he's got that big car
he thinks he's a big shot
and this gal
she just keeps
all she's doing
is trolling
in the meetings
and this guy's
that
this guy's a born again
and this is right
and I had these lists
of everybody
that's out of line
and then I'd have
lists of people
that are out of line
at work
this guy's stealing
right
and I'd go to my sponsor
and he'd say the same thing
he says you gotta
quit playing God
I think playing God
I'm reporting
accurate information here
I'm not playing God
what are you talking about
right
and I can't see it
I'm sitting on a throne
in judgment
as if it's my job
to mind
everybody else's business
and I'm
I'm gossiping about people
and I'm doing all that stuff
and I'm playing God
because that's what
that's what self-obsessed
people do
you take alcohol
out of my life
and I become
so internally focused
that I grab onto
all these things
to defend myself
against life
and one of the things
that I do
is that I sit in judgment
because I feel
so less than
that I try to pull
everybody else
down around me
it's like the dumb waiter
effect
right
because I'm
because I'm not enough
and maybe if I can make you out
to be screwed up
I won't be so bad
and the problem with that is
all it ever did
was make me feel more separate
and I started
I got together my sponsor
and I got down on my knees
and I did a third step
and
I said the third step prayer
and I gotta tell you
honestly
when I did it
I don't know that I understood
exactly the words
that I was saying
and I come to believe
that I think God
took what I said
more serious than I did
because I said
God I offer myself
to thee
to build with me
and to do with me
as thou will
and the next six months
of my life
was
everything got turned
upside down
I lost my job
a relationship
I was in
broke up
my roommate moved out
I couldn't afford
the apartment
I thought I was going to lose
I was going to be homeless
my career
I was working in a place
I thought I'm going to do this
the rest of my life
not only did I lose the job
I couldn't get another job
in that field
and God was doing with me
and building with me
and I was like
an abandoned building
and he had to tear
a lot of things up
and during that period
I would sit
I'd sit in meetings
or I'd sit watching TV
and all of a sudden
it's like
I would just start crying
you know
and I don't know
where it's coming from
and I just remember
these things
from when I was a little kid
or from
just the things I did
when I was drinking
and the shame
and it just started
coming out of me
and I started doing
a fourth step
and I started doing
and I
by this time
I'm sober
just long enough
to have enough self-esteem
to be dangerous
right
and I go to my sponsor
he said
I want to do a fourth step
and I said
what should I do
he says
it's in the book
he gives me the page numbers
and I go to the book
and I look at the book
and it's
I'm reading it
and I'm reading it
and I'm reading it
but I don't understand
what it says
I don't know who
Mrs. Jones is
I don't know
is Mr. Brown
I don't get it
I don't get what it's saying here
so I made the mistake
that a lot of us make
I went to a meeting
and I listened to people
talk about the fourth step
and tried to figure out
how to work it
based on what they were saying
in the meeting
that's kind of like
having something wrong
with your car
and going to a restaurant
where mechanics hang out
and over
listen to their conversation
and then go try to fix your car
right
and I had too much
too much ego
to go to my sponsor
or another old timer
in AA
and say
would you please
sit down with me
and show me what to do
so instead
I just wrote out
my whole life story
I wrote out
40 pages of gruel
of all this stuff
I'm ashamed of
and all these secrets
and it wasn't all bad
I got together
with my sponsor
and I shared this stuff
with him
and I got some things
off my chest
that I'd never told
another human being
and that's not all bad
but everything
that it talks about
in Alcoholics Anonymous
after that point
in the book
didn't happen to me
and I was like
and I found myself
still very anxious
and full of fear
and restless
and I kept finding myself
not fitting
and judging people in AA
and judging my way
right out of the meetings
and doing all that stuff
and I kept changing jobs
because I'd go to work somewhere
and I'd be fine
for about three weeks
four weeks
and then I'd start realizing
how they're taking advantage
of me there
you know
and I'm not getting paid enough
and I'd quit
and go somewhere else
I'd quit and go somewhere else
and in my head
my fifth year of sobriety
I went back
and I was finally able
to do a four step
the way it is
in the big book
Alcoholics Anonymous
and I went through
the steps again
and this time
I did them precisely
the way it's outlined
in AA
and it changed my life
and I started to see
what really is
the problem
it's not all the bad stuff
I did
it's my thinking
that's always been out of line
I had built cases
against people
all my life
and I didn't even
think about it
I was well into sobriety
about how they're so screwed up
and I'm so great
and it was my thinking
that was wrong
the book says
this was our course
we had to see
how the person
who had harmed us
was perhaps like us
spiritually sick
and for the first time
in my life
I had to do something
that a self-obsessed
guy like me
who has a vested interest
by his ego
in resenting people
never did
and that's to put myself
in your shoes
and to see
if I was suffering
from the same fears
and insecurities
and frustrations
that you were suffering from
if I grew up
like you grew up
if I was in your shoes
how I could have done
the exact same thing
to someone else
that you had done to me
and you know what I found
in most cases
I would have been worse
in most cases
I would have been worse
and I started
a process
of diminishing
the separation
between me
and other people
and then taking
the responsibility
for everything
I've ever done wrong
and then taking
that I was the
you know the cruel
if you're new
the cruel thing
about step four and five
is that you
you list all these people
that have hurt you
and you come out
the other end
and you owe them
an amends
I mean it's just
right
it's just baffling
but in every case
I did
because I
like it says in the book
I had made a decision
based on self
which later placed me
in that position
to be hurt
and I was the guy
who did it
based on my own neediness
and my own need for attention
and my own self-centered
greed
and lust
and everything else
I took actions
regardless of the welfare
of other people
because I never stopped
to consider anybody
except me
self-centered people don't
my earliest memories
even of childhood
are really
only one thing I remember
and that's me
right I can't tell you
much about
how my sister
felt about anything
or what problems
she struggled with
as a kid
I can't tell you
about the problems
my parents struggled with
I can tell you
all about me
I can tell you
lots about me
that's why I love therapy
I'll pay anyone
just listen to me
for a while
I mean you know
and in alcohol
through the men's process
and working with newcomers
Alcoholics Anonymous
has started to change
my perception of the world
I belong to a group
who is very
very entrenched in service
we do
nine or ten hospital
and institution meetings
every week
and I've gotten the privilege
to last
well ever since
I've been sober
but I've been doing
these two Skid Row
detox meetings
every week
for the last several years
and I
it is one of the greatest
blessings
that have ever been given me
and I gotta tell you
when I was
when they asked me
to do these two meetings
I balked
I remember
this is exactly
what I thought
I was doing
I've been doing
a lot of service
I've always done
a lot of service
and they asked me
to do these two meetings
I thought to myself
why me
I've done enough stuff
in AA
why doesn't someone else
do something around here
now I'm being offered
the greatest gift
I've probably received
since I've been sober
and I want to throw it away
and I've gone to those
I go to those meetings
twice a week
and I see something
that most of you
will never see
in the mainstream meetings
of Alcoholics Anonymous
I see the guys
with 15 and 20
and 25 years
that drink again
that never make it back
to mainstream AA
I see the guys
but they make it
into a skid row detox
where they go back
out into the streets
to die again
and they can't come back here
because they've got
so much pride
I see the guys
that had great programs
of recovery
that had sponsored
a lot of people
that talked from podiums
in AA
around the country
and I see them
drink again
and my friend Billy
says something
that I love
he says
if I have the same disease
that you have
I'm going to have
what can happen to you
can happen to me
and I'm not immune from that
you know there's a
there's a line in the book
it says that
we are at times
unable to bring into
our consciousness
with sufficient force
the memory of the suffering
and humiliation
of even a month
or a week ago
we are without defense
against the first drink
and I can't sit
in my home group
with people
that are sober
30 and 20
and 15 years
and we're all doing pretty good
and there's a couple
of newcomers there
that are sober
a month and a half
and they're getting it
and we're all real good
and bring into my consciousness
with sufficient force
what it's really like
to come off a drunk
but I show up down there
and it smacks me in the face
twice a week
every week
and I've gone into those meetings
sometimes frustrated with life
and scared
and my priorities
all out of whack
and when I get there
and walked out
and felt so lucky
to be alive
and so lucky
to be a sober member
of Alcoholics Anonymous
what a tremendous gift this is
because I listen to these guys
and I hear me
I hear the guys
that judge their way
right out of AA
the first time I ever had
experience with that
there was a guy
when I was brand new
named John
and John was an attorney
who has been disbarred
through his drinking
and he was like
he was sober several years
and he got his law practice back
and he used to come
to the detox I was in
and then later to the halfway house
and give myself
and a couple other new guys
rides to meetings
and John helped me a lot
when I was new
and after about a year
I didn't see John anymore
and I didn't see him
for a couple years
several years
and I ran into him
in a store one day
I was so glad
he lit me up
I was so glad to see him
I said John how you doing
he says oh everything's great
my law practice is going great
me and my wife
are getting along well
and I'm going to go to the store
I said well
how come I don't see you
at any meetings
he says Bob
I don't go to those meetings anymore
I've outgrown Alcoholics Anonymous
he said my wife and I
have joined this church
and we run a couples group
we help other couples
with their marriage problems
I'm a certified counselor
in that now
and my law practice
is going great
and we only hang around
with people of our
that believe the same way
we believe
he says you should realize
by now
Bob
that people in AA
just say the same stuff
over and over again
they just keep themselves sick
I was devastated
because here's a guy
who really helped me
I went to my sponsor
and I told him about it
I said what's going on
he says wait
my home group
for up until the time
it closed
used to take a meeting
Monday nights
into a place called
it was a care unit
it's a detox treatment center
in Las Vegas
and several years later
I'm sitting in this meeting
and at the beginning
of the meeting
they ask everybody
to go around
give their first name
introduce themselves
go around
I'm watching this guy
if you've ever seen a guy
in a meeting that you know
but you don't know
where you know him from
they come around
and this guy says
I'm John
I'm an alcoholic
and he had slit his wrist
several times upward
in a serious attempt
to kill himself
he'd lost his law practice
he'd lost his wife
he'd been living on Skid Row
for the last year
and John judged
himself right out
of Alcoholics Anonymous
and it scared me
because it was
at a time in my sobriety
where I was starting
to do that
I was starting
to go to meetings
and I would list
people would share
and I'd go
is she going to talk
about that relationship again
you know
and oh
is he going to talk
is he going to talk
about that
he's going to tell us
about his new car again
you know
or this
and I started
judging myself
after that
after a while
there's nobody
I'm listening to
except my head
and I think
some of us
leave Alcoholics Anonymous
inside ourselves
before we actually
physically ever leave
and I know
that that can happen
to me
and I
I ask God
on a regular basis
please don't ever
let me think
that I've outgrown
Alcoholics Anonymous
the bad part
about leaving AA
is we always leave it
in a worse position
than we think
we found it
and by the time
I found AA
I can't imagine
anything would be worse
than that
I
the last six months
of my
my life has been
about nine months
has been real tough
through
through the 12 steps
of AA
I got to make amends
to my family
and I got real close
with them
and my dad died
years ago
it was a
because of AA
it was a nice experience
and last year
my mom came down
with terminal cancer
and emphysema
and she started dying
and it was a hard
hard deal to go through
I spent every day
I'd go over to her house
and I'd watch her
deteriorate slowly
I watched her get down
to 50 pounds
and I had to put
my sister and I
had to put diapers on her
we'd have to come over
and change the diapers
and this was a woman
who had such
dignity in her life
who was all
she wasn't an alcoholic
she was just
a very refined
grace
you know
graceful woman
and I watched her
deteriorate
and deteriorate
and my sponsor
told me
he said
even though you
you think you've made
all your amends
to your mom
he said
things are going to come up
when you're sitting there
holding your hand
her hand
things are going to come up
and he says
I want you to say
to her
anything that comes up
and he was right
stuff started coming up
that I never would have
thought of
one day I'm sitting there
right before she died
and I'm holding her hand
and I
I started crying
and I told her
I said mom
I
I want to tell you
how sorry I am
that I can't possibly
take care of you
now that you're sick
as well as you took care of me
when I was a little kid
and she just
patted my hand
and she said
but I'm your mom
and
I sat with her
for 23 hours
while she took her
last breaths
and I watched
the tenacity
of human life
and it was a tough
thing to watch
and I had such
mixed feelings
I sat with my sponsor
I went to a
detox meeting
right as soon as
like four hours
after she died
I was at detox
doing a meeting
and I called
and I talked to my sponsor
right after that
and I told him
all these mixed feelings
I had
I felt a relief
actually
that she was dead
and yet
I missed her
so dead
so dead
so dead
so desperately
I remember the day
a couple days later
I'm standing in this
chicken restaurant
ordering chicken
and the woman asked me
what side dishes I want
and I just started
sobbing
you know
and I was embarrassed
and I think she
I think she must have felt
like maybe
they didn't have the sides
I was looking for
or something
I don't know
I don't know
what she thought
but I was just
sobbing in this restaurant
and
I came to
Alcoholics Anonymous
I was a guy
and I just
I never thought about it
I never
I didn't feel
I mean I felt a little embarrassed
but not really
I just did it
just did it
you know
because I'm not
I don't
and when I came to AA
I couldn't cry
you could beat me
half to death
and you wouldn't get tears
out of me
and I
I still miss my mom a lot
and I
I'm so grateful
to Alcoholics Anonymous
in the ninth
eighth and ninth step
that I was part of her life
when I got sober
I never imagined
that we would be
that she would be
in my life again
because
and I knew
I knew the truth
the truth is
I didn't deserve her in my life
I had robbed her
and humiliated her
and my dad
to such a degree
that I didn't deserve them
people
good people like that
in my life
and I
I didn't think
I was entitled to anything
and my sponsor
was relentless
with step nine
he made me pay back
every dime
that I owed them
and even after
they told me
I didn't have to pay them back
he made me pay them back anyway
he said
I don't care what they say
you still owe them
and it was
I
I think through the ninth step
I got to buy back
my self-respect
a nickel
and a dime at a time
and I
it's one of the greatest things
I've ever done
I think
I'm one who believes
that
if I don't do that
that I'm gonna
no matter how
how sober
I think I am
if I'm not even
with God's kids
I'm just not even
and I've watched people
in sobriety
sober a lot of years
that have never
never cleaned up
the wreckage of their past
and I've watched them
systematically destroy themselves
in sobriety
over and over
and over and over again
because I don't think
it's possible
to fool the God
inside of me
that if I know
I'm not square
I'm not square
and Alcoholics Anonymous
has turned me into
a receiver of God's grace
I
in 1971
when I went to my first meeting
of Alcoholics Anonymous
God's grace
waited for me
it was my divine right
the problem was never
with God and His grace
the problem is that
I was a damaged receiver
and through the 12 steps of AA
and a set of actions
that made no sense to me
you people have taught me
how to not only
repair the receiver
but maintain it
so I can be open
to God's gifts today
and I
I'm out here with a guy
that I
I sponsor
he's from this part of the country
and I thought
how am I going to be able to
be a part of that
but it's so unusual
that I was supposed to be out here last year
and right after that
he got sober
and it just so happened
he needed to come out here
and make some amends
when I'm coming out here
for this conference
and we're driving
we flew into Kansas City
and we're driving cross country
and it's like
oh yeah I robbed that place
and I
oh this is where I did that
it's like a fifth step
with pictures
you know
I love watching people
go through the steps
it's the highlight of my
I love to watch the change in them
it's an amazing thing to watch
and if you're new
and you're sitting here
and you're uncomfortable
and maybe you've been around
Alcoholics Anonymous before
maybe you've been in and out
I encourage you to find
and grab on to someone
who's sober a long time
that is entrenched in this book
called Alcoholics Anonymous
this is the program of recovery
and I hope that you get
as desperately into AA as I did
and you'll find the most incredible
the most incredible thing
you've ever found
you'll find a change in you
that after a couple years
you'll sit in a meeting
and you'll look around
and you'll realize something
you won't be able to believe
you'll realize that there's not
another person on the face of the earth
that you would rather be than you
thanks
applause