The Inventory as a Tool to Get into the Now – Teresa F.

Good afternoon. My name is Teresa. I'm an alcoholic, grateful to be here, grateful to be sober because of a loving God. Thank you so much for allowing me to participate in my recovery. Woodstock is dear to me. I just love it. I am a kid in a candy store. No more than anything. Ralph is like a kid. He's always sitting back and every minute of it is like he's joining his party. And I'm glad I'm invited to get to be a part this experience and on this ride in this journey i've heard all the speakers so far this morning um it's been really powerful and pulling it just filled me up and also what happens when i'm listening it just gets a lot of stuff going on you know i mean thoughts start going on in my head okay there's always a share before i share folks it just helps me out i'm uncomfortable this is awkward intimidating uh and i feel vulnerable even when i get into the steps i just feel like there's so much meat and potatoes in man i'm gonna miss out on some of it you know but i i'll do the best i can to share whatever my experience is and see how this goes oh goodness gracious hold on one second i'm sorry One second, guys. Sorry, I've got to set them on. I think I should start backwards. I love this step. It's funny. When Ralph asked me to do four and five, I don't know if I have a favorite step because i believe that they all work hand in hand they're they're in conjunction of one another uh the answer to each step is in the next step so i want to welcome the newcomer to just have an open mind and i heard you know take what applies and perhaps put the rest on the shelf but if we could just take a moment to just be willing i don't have to get it i want to fully agree to it that's what i learned when i got here just because i'm glad you're here and just have an open mind and just see what happens and all the old timers thank you so much for being here in my life thank you for my sobriety um this came to me as i was listening i wanted to read this uh and i'm not good like i know katie and charlie there's some folks that are so awesome where they could just read from the book and kind of share it throws me off if i do a lot of reading but this kept coming up and i wanted to read something that has always stood out to me and let me know how vital these steps are and we hear it often in the meetings and we repeat it and we can even say it as a little slogan uh but when i look at the definition of these words it only perpetuates the enthusiasm and the dedication and conviction to pursue all these 12 steps. And that is, we say cunning, baffling, powerful. That's alcoholism. And without health, we're in trouble. Cunning, bafling, and powerful. And I love to share with people sometimes. I'm like have we really understood the definition of that word i don't know about you when i define that i don'T KNOW HOW I'M WILLING TO LIKE REST ON MY LAURELS NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO APPLY THAT TO MY LIFE BECAUSE CUNNING BAFFLING AND POWERFUL THE DEFINITIONS ARE SCARY SO I JUST WANTED TO SHARE THAT REAL QUICK CUNNING MEANS HAVING OR SHOWING SKILL IN ACHIEVING ONE'S END BY DECEIT and evasion. That means I can't see it. And the moment I think I see it, it dodges. It's like a ninja. So I see that, you know what I mean? I think got my alcoholism. I think i got it down pack but then next thing you know it transforms. It is a chameleon and it uses different mass and it switches up. It gives me the impression that it isn't. It can even put on the illusion that is god uh or that like charlie red that are kind and considerate it's evading it's invasive i can't notice it i don't see it so that's coming so and it's to its own end so it will go out of its way to ensure that it evades itself from me that it deceives me and it hides from me and then baffling, totally bewildered and perplexed. I can't figure it out. To be bewildred and perplext means I'm always in shock. What happened? How did that happen? What was going on? I don't get it. What's wrong with you? Why are you talking to me like that? Why Are You Bothering Me? I'm constantly bewildering and perplixed. I said I wasn't, but now I'm doing it. I insisted I'll swear off forever I'm never going to do it again. What am I doing now? I'm doing it again That is bewildered and perplexed. I can't explain it to you I can explain it the doctors, to my family I'm just as perplex as you are that I swore that I would never do this again but here we are again. That's the conundrum And then power. The ability to do something or act in a particular way, especially as faculty or quality. The capacity or the ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or course of events. It has the capacity to direct and influence. This is the illness that I suffer from. I have an illness called alcoholism. and they don't this okay how can i figure this out i can't it reminds me of if i associate it with a point of reference uh my brother had an illness and the doctors it was perplexing they didn't know what it was and his blood all they knew was his organs were breaking down He was losing blood. They couldn't pinpoint it. He was about to die. They couldn't figure it out. It was more powerful than the doctors. It was perplexing. They didn't know what to do about it, and it would move. And what they ended up finally defining it was called hemolymic anemia, and it was an antibody that literally the antibody was designed to protect the body from viruses instead this antibody went nuts and thought that everything in the body was wrong that reminds me of alcoholism it detected everything the good and the bad as bad and started killing everything off and they told me that it was moving like a locomotive and every time they thought they would get it it would dodge and go somewhere else and they had to figure out how to slow this thing down so they can finally reach a place to eradicate it and treat it and save my brother's life. And to me, that is the analogy of alcoholism and the desperation and the necessity to incorporate these 12 steps in my life. I have an illness such as this. And I always say, once I fully understand what I suffer from, and I am so grateful by the gift of desperation and the grace of a loving God and that alcohol was through with me that I was able to see what I suffer from. That means there is nothing in my own power and human power that is going to relieve me of my alcoholism. Man, I wish you could. Oh man, I swear. I've tried. i still try to this day somehow some way i try to hope that somebody can fix this but you say there's only one who has all power and that one is god so the illness that i have is actually a spiritual malady and that this is a program of spiritual action that i take care of the allergy by recognizing that i put the plug in the jug but now i'm left with what i started out with in the beginning on why i turned to the bottle i turned to the bottom because i had nothing else i got no other tools i got nothing else to work with and it gave me this sense of relief and belonging and now it's not working so what am i left with the same dilemma and the dilemma is the bondage of being uncomfortable and awkward with you with life with things i don't do well with this thing called life That's what also makes me different. Something happens in my mind that tells me, and I looked at that at two, my mind tells me something's wrong with you, something's not right, something's going on with me. Everything is off. Everything is terrible. Nothing is right. Nothing is not enough. That doesn't happen to normal people. It may happen to some, but that's not the normal occurrence of how they think. I talk to normal People. They don't spend their days thinking like that. But I can wake up that way. What do I do? I ran to these steps. i don't remember when i came into the program asking a whole lot of questions i just remember going if that's what you guys did then that's what i'm gonna do and i guess it's almost like i don' t know about y'all but whenever i got loaded i don''t remember saying let me find out a little bit more about this new drink pill powder before i ingest it I just did it, and then I found out what happened. And that's how I did the steps. I was like, I don't know. Let's see what happens. And if it's cunning, baffling, and powerful, and I can't evade it, and I cannot figure it out, you told me the solution. And the solution was that I needed to tap into this source of power and the source ofpower live within me. And in order to get to it, I need to get rid of the junk. I didn't even know I had junk. But I got to get rid of it. And you gave me the tools in order to dig. If I want a garden, something, I need the tools to go in the garden. If I need a pool, I want to make a pool. If I don't want a pool I need to rank out the dirt to make a pool and anything that I do in my life I need tools to accomplish it and the inventory was the tool to dig in and to get read of whatever that was that was blocking me and I get to learn how to use this on a daily basis it has saved my life and the lives of so many people in my in my space it gives me oxygen it's it's the cloth that cleans the glasses straightens out the lenses It gives me an alignment and perspective of where I am in this world with you and with God. And I love this step so much. I want to start with today. And I was thinking about it while I was happening, going, if it wasn't for the inventory, this experience that I'm having today wouldn't go so well. most of you know i take care of my mother uh and mommy's digressing so i'm listening to charlie and getting ready getting ready right for this next phase for us to go in the four and five and i'm excited and i don't want to get into i was up all night i had a half hour sleep and so i'M LISTENING I'VE BEEN THIS MORNING I'M LISSONING TO CHARLIE AND I'M LIKE I WANT really, really focused now. This is what Teresa wants to do. I want to take all this in. I want to be centered here and present so that when it's my turn, I am with you guys. No sooner than about five, no, 10 minutes before mommy shows up and she's standing there and there's urine and feces and you know what I mean? And she's like, I don't know. And And immediately, I need to pause, ask myself, what is this affecting? I got plans. I have plans, right? Is this the cause of my own making? I don't think so. This is what's happening. Where am I being selfish? This is where I'm at. This is why I want to do it. and if I do what I want to do, I'm going to get what I'm going to be doing. What am I going to get? Why am I being dishonest? I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, quite frankly. And what am I afraid of that I'm gonna miss something? Miss what? I don'T have anybody to turn to and tell myself, but I recognize it. I immediately ask God to remove that. And I begin to help mommy take off those clothes, clean her up, get some other clothes, get her dressed again, bring her downstairs, get settled, and I'm right on time. That could have went completely different. I could be irritated, angry, you know what I mean? Volatile, you don't need mistreating her. The steps have saved my life and the life of those around me. my initial inventory gave me an awareness of how selfishness kept me handicapped in bondage muffled and it was killing me and i didn't even know it didn't even know it i love how some people say why dig up the past and what I always say is whoever told you that it was buried as far as I'm concerned I live my life based on my resentments and my fears and my conduct I make decisions based on that i look at the world that way so there's nothing buried i need to go in and see what is it that has me fogged from this site of you the inventory is the only tool i know that does that it's either i love how polly talked about it either it's going to be the bottle that's going to help me to do that or these 12 steps i got no in between i don't know what else to use i don't do life like that it's either one or the other and the tool helps me to do that and i get to examine i'm angry about a lot of things life disturbs me it just does i was telling uh i think it was ali the other night i don t sometimes i've written and been jealous of what is it like to coast and rest on your laurels right and not and cruise and not do anything i don't get the luxury life is constantly happening and my alcoholism i say has tools to play with i call it they have toys my alcohol doesn't have toys it plays with life situations it plays well what i perhaps think of myself or what i call them toys you know what i'm saying i spend a lot of days as the observer watching the disease of alcoholism and the grace of god go at it that's how i spend my days i swear i'll be watching this go on like check this out i wouldn't be talking to you if it wasn't for the step i would not be here i i believe that in every part of me i would not be here with you i would either be in a straight jacket or in a coffin in a wooden box if it wasn't for this step and all that follow with it i just know it every part of me knows it i get an opportunity after i'm three being convinced that life run by me doesn't work and I have evidence so far because it brought me to you and I'm no longer the CEO of Teresa Incorporated and because I'm no longer The CEO I need an overhaul and I gotta bring someone in to help clean house and let me know what is it that is not allowing this business to function any good business does that any good business if you want to be successful and I love how they use that language because it's true anything that isn't failing or is not working has to be evaluated i've sat with too many people and too many hospitals across too many doctors deaths to hear that doctor break down what is wrong with the body that is chronically killing the person that i love and they immediately say this is how we have to treat it and attack it in order to have quality of life and it's only alcoholism that we sit across a therapist a doctor or whatever where i'm told or in a meeting or a sponsor that i'm called this is my diagnosis and here is your prognosis and here is the treatment and the insidiousness of the cunning baffling powerful disease that i suffer from is the only illness out of any other illness that i say nah i don't have that. Are you sure about that? I don't think so. I think I got this covered. Thank you, Doc. I don' t remember my brother saying that when he had Hodgkin's lymphoma stage four throughout his entire body and he went home and we said, you know what, Doc? Thank you so much. We're going to go home and figure out how to get rid of it. When I sat across and figured you got diabetes and you're going to need insulin or metformin every single day probably for the rest of your life and change your diet that we said nah we probably don't have it just having a moment thank you very much i'll go home eat some cake and figure out how to handle it this is the only illness that does that and that's terrified that terrifies the heck out of me that's why i need you because the first thing i need to know is i can't do nothing about this and in order to tackle this this is the treatment that only a spiritual remedy can attack and eradicate and eradicated because it says this is how thousands of men and women have recovered recovered ed to be restored to health that i'll have a sense of quality of life and I'm going to need this medication and this treatment every single day for the rest of my life but I will have a quality of life and as this step in particular, I'm going to give some examples in today because I they're really good examples I gave you one with mommy that happens to me every single day I've sat across and i'm going to use because i've been a caregiver since 2005 and as a result of cleaning house and saying god what will you have me do what will have me be and i've shared this i'm the caregiver and the caretaker to most of my perpetrators my abusers oh my goodness and i sat with people dying having to make decisions on whether to pull a plug or not. And if it wasn't for this step, I wouldn't know what I would do. All these steps really will be focusing on this one. I immediately have to recognize that in that situation, my brother went into cardiac arrest. I got a sign of paper to say that he is losing his breath to put him on a life support machine. I only got split seconds to do that. He can't breathe. I got split seconds to put him on life support. I gotta immediately know how to do this. I am what? I'm not powerless over him losing his breath. I love how people believe that. People say I'm powerless over people, places and things. No, I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. What does that mean? I am powerless over the disease that is centered in my thinking. I am powerless over the manifestation of this cunning, baffling and powerful illness that will infiltrate immediately and attack me. It's centered in my spirit. And as long as I don't pick up the jug, the allergy won't go buck wild. And now we're in this cycle of insanity. I immediately have to know that I'm powerless over my alcoholism. And my life is unmanageable if I don'T understand that. Because I know that it's now going to start In between my ears About that situation And I have to ask God To restore me to sanity Because I'm going Coco for Coco Puffs Immediately Somebody you love is dying I'm different from my fellows I don't know how normal people handle that Let's put it this way I've seen normal people Handle it in a way that is stressful And taxing and difficult But I'm an alcoholic I address that differently Let's take their situation The way it's escalated And times it by 20 I immediately have to believe That there's a power That can restore me to sanity Make a decision To turn my will and my life Over to the care of this God I don't got time To try to dissect it Understand it Process it Figure it out I just gotta do it And then I immediately Have to look at What is this affecting Of course it's affecting My relationship with my brother I want my brother in my life That's my older brother What are you talking about My basic instincts are threatened My natural Instincts of want Desire My self esteem Why is it on me to figure this out What is that going to look to me What is going to mean to me What's going to happen to me What do I look like to decide to do that. I ain't got time to sit on this and talk about writing about it next week and maybe talk to someone about it. I gotta do it now. My brother's losing breath. Do I just sign the paper? I don't know how to do that. This is affecting everything. My pocketbook, my security, my ambitions. What are my ambitions? I want him in my life. I don't want him to go on a machine. I want us to go home and spend time together. All that's being attacked immediately in a split second. And I have to immediately say, this is, oh, my goodness. God, save me from being angry. I'm mad at the doctor. I'm bad at everybody. I'm made of cancer. I need to pray for all of that. Save me from Being Angry. That will be done, not mine. And then he resolutely and immediately look at, Teresa, where are you being selfish? I'm being selfish because I want my brothers in my life. I don't want to have this responsibility. I don' t want to do it. Where are you self-seeking? If he stays here, I'll have him. I would have to decide. It won't be on me. Where are your dishonest? You're dishonest because he can't breathe. It's your responsibility. This is what's happening. This is whats going on. It's on you. Why not you? It is you. Let's do this. Where are afraid? I'm afraid. I'm afriad that I won't have him I'm a fraid that I'll be in trouble I'm affraid that i'll make the wrong mistake I'm fraid mommy's gonna be angry i'm afraid he's gonna die who where do you get this fear from oh i got a list we ain't got time to spend time processing that god please remove my fear of literally that's what i've had to do and what the only thing i did with the doctor said give me a minute and you should have seen my fat my nephews and the pastors and stuff all looking through the window in the family room my next door they're all looking at me and i'm on i'm on my knees and they're just watching me. And then I stand up, I come outside, I breathe and I ask the question, one question, would I be able to change my mind at any time? Should things change and they said yes let's do it that's all I know that's what I know there have been multiple situations in my life in my and I'm 30 years old I can't believe it and when I met God but naked alone with a white flag up my booty in my fifth years sobriety. I've been having to live in the moment and in the present time. We talk about being rocketed into the fourth dimension, which is time. To be calipoted into the fourth dimension. To believe the bondage of self. To have longevity in sobriete. How do I do this? I gotta clean house. I don't know how else to do it. Honestly, folks, I don t. I d n t know how to do without. I m getting emotional because I don t. I don t know how to do it without cleaning house. How do I tap into that source of power without cleaning house? Because if I don t clean house, you know who is in charge? Me! And believe it or not, that s an illusion. You know who is really in charge? My disease! Either I'm living in my defects of character Or in God's will Everything else is an illusion It's an illusion I am making decisions And operating off of my resentments Off of my fears Off of myself Selfishness My self-seeking I'm livin' by that I ain't runnin' nothin' So I clean house So I can tap into the only power That can tackle this beast This gorilla This illness that's the only thing that's bigger or greater than that no money no lover no friend no job no house is bigger than this thing called alcoholism only this power that's been my experience i don't know if you knew maybe you have another one i love how old timers used to tell used to tell me i don'T KNOW WHAT YOUR NEWCOMER'S GONNA DO YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE DONE BECAUSE THIS IS WHEN I UNDERSTAND I SUFFER FROM AN ILLNESS THAT I CAN'T see, that I can't figure out, that has the strength to do whatever to facilitate and construct whatever goal it has without my input, without my decision, without my vote. That's scary. I need a power. I need a power and all I know I don't see Candace I don t see I lost Candace I'm here okay okay you'll turn on your screen when you give me okay yeah all I know is I need this power and I've used it I've use this step in I have so many situations where I picked up a pen and a paper I've been at work and a board meeting and i always say this i'm so grateful nobody looked at my notes they thought i was taking good notes in the staff meeting i wasn't taking notes i was doing inventory man i'm sitting in an office with nothing but men and i cover a lot of abuse and they're laughing at me and anything that i'm talking about they're saying something this is where i'm at and it seems like every idea every concept every input they belittling me they're seeing something i'm like hold up i'm having a i might be having an entirely different experience of what's going i'm an alcoholic i might Be having an Entirely Different Experience Of What's Happening This Staff Meeting Hold On A Second And I Pick Up A Paper And I Start Doing Inventory So That I Can Be Present In That Staff Meeting My Objective And What I Understand Of This Spiritual Malad Is to bring me into present time. Because my resentments and my fears and my sexual, emotional desire conduct will place me in yesterday and in tomorrow, not in today. And where do I find God? You said it was inside of me, but you also told me where it was. in a place that i have to make an effort to visit and it's in the now it's funny how they say it may you find god now and people say i'm looking for god you're looking for God where is in the mouth so i need to get rid of everything and anything that blocks me from the now everything in those split decisions that i've had to make or my dad now getting ready to die and i'm telling you i didn't want him to die but i needed to be in the present moment i needed it to be the present moment this person is dying i don't have no time to go back in the past and worry about what's what's going to be missing in the future this time is sacred he's losing his breath i need a source of power and i need it now and that's where i'm going to find him now well what's keeping me from now my resentment my fear you know i mean i don't know how the simplicity of that is freaking amazing it ain't that deep and i can tell when i'm not in the now I can tell. I'm tripping on some stuff about the situation, but it has something to do with what I want, what's not happening, what I've got to do, what's got to happen. No, no, no. We can't do that. How do I come into present time and have an experience? And now I'm able to do what's in front of me, to hear, to be effective, to be present and useful. i'm no longer caught up in the trap of my mind and i only know one power that can do it but i can't get to it without this step without these steps i can'T GET TO IT i wish i could i wish I just had the easy ability to just be like oh i'm one with god and there you go uh and i'm a priest okay i'ma priestess my house is a sanctuary that's why i love listening to a lot of priests and clergy you know i mean in this program because my house is a church and a sanctuary and i know a lot religious ceremonies and tons of prayers and rituals i got tons of them i'm responsible for a majority of them but this is these 12 steps it's the only thing i have found that aligns me now i can hear whether it's the four agreements you know i mean all these other spiritual tools now i can bring them into this space but until then that's why i have problem with religious people i came to you now i'm not into that god thing that religious thing inventory oh maybe those religious people are right how else was i supposed to reach there i needed to get rid of that get rid of that it's constant house cleaning constant house clean inventory has given me a freedom And it says it's the archway to freedom. It allows me to gather the evidence necessary to really see that life run by me don't work. That whenever I'm operating off of those different dynamics, it can hardly be a success. I'm in collision with something or somebody. It doesn't turn out so well. I don't seem to win and then you know what happens? I start saying, what's the point anyway? i don't need to be here who cares now self-pity sets in and depression and the drink my mouth gets watery you know what i'm saying and it begins a little bit more appealing or the dope house or whatever it is that you go to and there i am again off and running because life is hard. This is the one thing that allows me to stay present with you. As uncomfortable as life can be, as difficult that things don't go my way, this is the tool that allows me to join it all together and be like, okay, where do you have me, God, in the scheme of these life situations. And what would you like me to do to be effective and productive and to participate and to become a team player? This is the only step that helps me to go forward and to do that. And it is that simple. I can make it far more complicated than necessary and I'm so grateful that all those who have come before me and all my mentors and teachers have always brought me back to the simplicity Even when I make it complicated, they've always kept it just as simple as follow the black on the white, write it out, pick up a pen and paper, do as it's outlined, and see what happens. And I've seen what happens, I am a child of God, now I deserve to be here, I begin to have an attitude of gratitude, and I see how I am part of the greater whole. I'm not less than, I'm not better than. I don't have to control, I don' have to fix, I don't make anything happen. I don''t have to be a square peg trying to go into a round hole and I don ''t need you to also be an orange when you're really an apple. I could just be. The freedom that I found around here is the state of just being. What's interesting is that's kind of what I thought I was getting out of the bottle to fix the bill or the needle but it was temporary and then it backfired so here i am and i'm so grateful that you gave me this i've discovered many things in my inventory i've recovered where theresa is not sufficient that's what i've discussed i'm not a bad person i i've never seen the inventory like a baseball bag that i put down the baseball bat of beating up other people And then I turned it around and started beating up on myself. I saw the inventory as an opportunity to have a different perspective on how I had been seeing the world around me. What I actually found in the inventory when I looked at where I was at fault was compassion, not only for others, but for me. Candice read that. I do. I find it for me, well, I'm not a bad person. I'm Not a horrible person. I have an illness. i have an illness that has learned to rely on some old tools that are really not productive or effective as a matter of fact i'm trying to build the house with some tools that don't really work and that's why it keeps falling apart and i'm wondering why that's what i found out oh my goodness i i love it because i it's almost addictive i think so What do you call that word? I don't even know. Whatever. I don'T know what that word is. Whatever. I don' t know if it's masochistic or something. It's almost like I'm excited for inventory because I want to see what else is blocking me. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm constantly like, let me see what house is keeping me from being. And I remember my sponsor, love you used to say this. We're trying to get to your authentic self. We need to get to your authentic self I'm not under the impression That God is building a new Teresa Or a Teresa that's unknown As though he's shifting and chiseling Into this unknown person It's actually The chiselling is getting rid of Who I actually really am in there Good, loving, kind Considerate That's who I am But my alcoholism Stands in the way of that And that's why I value That tool that helps me to go Let's get rid of what's blocking me What's blocking you Let's give it a chance Let's just get rid Of it Because I want to get To my authentic self I want To get To the genuineness Of my kindness And compassion And dedication and my childlike God self so that I can be effective and useful in the lives of the people around me and I can have my own experiences. That's where I'm at. I encourage anyone, if we're lollygagging or not doing it or if it's been years since you've done one, try it and see what happens. You know, I always know I can always go back to that insanity. It doesn't disappear. is waiting and lying and waiting for me, you know what I mean? To live in that again. But what would it look like if I gave it a shot and I found the time to just pick up that pen and paper and be willing to see some things some chunks of information about myself What would I get? Spiritual freedom Ooh, that's scary I know that it's scary for the disease of alcoholism That's why it does everything possible To convince me not to do it That's Why it goes out of its way to make me Procrastinate or get busy Or get caught up in life Or to be you know exhausted Or tired or I can't even find a pen and paper It would do anything possible For me to not get close To this God To not come into my authentic self And to have longevity and my sobriety, it would do everything possible to keep me from the sunlight of the spirit. And I have resilience, desire, dedication, and tenacity to pursue the sunlight of the Spirit like I pursued the drink, the drug, the pill, the fix. And the only way I know how to do that is to apply these steps to my life every single day, all day because that is the antidote that is the singular thing that will treat this illness because nothing else will I'm sure my time should be about up it's going on 1 30 no Ralph is saying no no you have 13 minutes and 38 seconds left my time I'm excited all the speakers um it's just it's really you know i spend a lot of conversations on this inventory the moment anyone calls it's kind of like did you write have you clean house or you know it's very interesting how most folks immediately i just want to talk to god i want to get in touch with god i wanna hand i want a problem solved i want to handle that situation i need to figure out how to fix that i need to figure out how to correct that. And I'm like, inventory. I can't make any decisions until I inventory. That's what I've learned. I'm unable to make, because I know that if I don't inventory, that decision is based on self and on feel. Period. That is the root of my troubles. And it don't matter I've been sober this long. i get a daily reprieve that stuff comes back tomorrow like a diabetic that needs insulin they took their insulin yesterday mommy takes mommy takes metformin the metformine i gave her yesterday don't apply today when i forget to give her certain medicine it ain't cute it don't matter i give it to you know what i'm saying and now we might end up in the emergency room if i let another day go by that's the same thing with my alcoholism i am constantly uncovering discovering and discarding the only way i know how to do it is inventory and looking and when i forget to look you remind me i'm going to use this one example of a time where i really didn't even notice and it scared the heck out of me it was about two o'clock in the morning I was on the computer and the obsession to drink came over me it was like a thief in the knife in the night it engulfed me I mean it literally it wasn't a thought it was it was demonic it literally engulf my entire body and my first thought was oh my goodness is this what it feels like when one goes to relapse that's my first thought is this what happens when you go to relapse now Kim my partner was in the very next room I could not go tell her what just came over me every part of me knew that when I got up off that chair I was gonna go get loaded thank god my feet are trained and i've been doing this religiously to the best of my ability one day at a time i fell immediately to my knees and i began saying god please remove the obsession it was on me i'm talking about on me And I did not get up until it was lifted. It felt like hours to me, but it was probably like five, ten minutes. And it just... And I was writing and I didn't know what was happening and I was scared. I felt like the disease was on the attack. It found out how to infiltrate and it was taking everybody over. And so I started asking people in the program. I started saying, has this happened to you? Do you know what this is? I was afraid that it was coming back to get me. Interesting enough, it was Larry T and we're going to hear him later. loving some Larry, we're in Iceland. And I'm sharing with them about that experience if anybody had it. And afterwards he told me, he said, sit down little lady. And I sat down and he said you know you do a lot of work Teresa. I'm one to say I can vouch for how hard you work this program. You are in unity recovery and service and you are constantly within this work and helping others but the disease knows cunning baffling and powerful it knows the things you don't want to look at it sees what you sweep under the rug and there's something that you have swept under the rub and haven't looked and i'm like what is it? Because I do a lot of writing, you know what I'm saying? And he's like, I know you do. And then he says, when's the last time you've been to Arizona? Freaking love these old timers. When's the Last Time You've Been to Arizona, Teresa? I'm like, Arizona? What the hell does Arizona have to do with this? And He said it again. Last time you been to Arizona. I'm like, I swear, Larry, I don't know what you're talking about. He said, your dad. When is the last time you, and it still gets me. You know what she swept under the rug? Your dad is dying. And I know this is a big one for you. This is huge. And you didn't even notice that you sweat because it's so big do you know what i'm saying daddy when he got his parkinson's and it started to get worse i coming baffling and powerful i didn't even notice that i dismissed it i just didn't but what i did was too much and all i did was like it was almost self-conscious i was like nope we're not doing this one you know what i mean nope we'RE NOT DEALING WITH THIS and he was like in the disease knows and unless you inventory that and look at that? And the reason why it came after you like a thief in the night is because your light's too big. It can't just come as a fleeting thought. It had to take your light out. That's deep, y'all. I was like, what? Cunning, baffling, powerful. And I'm in the work. I'm In Unity, Recovery, and Service. And it came at me like that. I immediately, you know what I mean? We got to do some work. And it was big. And the disease knew. I cannot explain to you the depth of the love for my dad and the idea of an illness taking him out was unacceptable to me. And I casually dismissed it, moved on, kept doing other work, Helping others I don't know what negotiation I was giving with God Or doing with God But I moved on And the disease took me out That's deep So I continue to look I need you and I can't see To pull the covers That's why I always share With new, old You ain't got to dance with everybody But you need to dance With somebody Thank God thank god i fell to my knees you know what i mean and i prayed to that god that i've come to understand that you introduced me to and giving me the privilege to introduce others thank god if not you wouldn't be talking to me behind what how would that have been useful to my daddy had i had gotten loaded you know i'm saying instead as a result of that doing the work as directed and guided i was able to be present to watch him look at me as painful as i was in my eyes as he took his last breath and as i decided that it was okay daddy i said i'm not it's not okay but it's gonna be okay i was unable to use this tool to say remove my selfishness my self-seeking my dishonesty and my fear what will you have me be what will you have me do. And I got to be present as a daughter. You know, my heart was breaking and watch my dad take his last breath, knowing that the hands of AA and God were wrapped around his baby and that I was finally safe. And i owe that to Alcoholics and Models. So I encourage you if you want this gift called freedom that we receive around here pick up these tools that are laid at our feet and begin to just make an effort to apply them to our lives and just see what happens thank you all so much for allowing me to share with you and i look forward to hearing the next one of what we're gonna do with six and seven thank you