The Hospital and the Operation – Beginners Workshop – Part 2 of 3 – Frank M.

I have the privilege to introduce our speaker this morning, and I can only say never underestimate the power of a cassette tape. When I was very new in the program, I was given a tape from my sponsor, and that person on the tape was the person who is going to lead the workshop this morning. And all I can say is that... Frank M. from the Lamont Oaks Group in Chicago. Thank you, my name is Frank and I'm an alcoholic. Glad to be here. My sobriety date is November 3rd, 1971. That means that since that date in 1971, I have not had to have the drink to stand you. To stand me. Stand where I live. Where I work. To react to disappointment. To celebrate good fortune. Nothing Alcoholics Anonymous. Now what we're going to do is I'm going to ask you to relax. I didn't come here to preach to you or teach you anything. I want you to understand that I'm here as a volunteer. I don't get paid for this. I don' t get anything. I get a little embarrassed sometimes when I hear these announcements about these tapes. It sounds... People that don't know think that there's some kind of a commercialism. That's not the case. I'm not associated with that, nor do I get anything from that. Okay? So if your defense mechanism is built up, who the hell is this guy? I'm going to tell you. I'm nobody. I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous you don't have to pay any attention to anything I say what I say is not the truth what I see is what I perceive what I've learned and what I have observed for over 20 years of continuous sobriety I'm here to share that with you if you walk out of here saying I don't like that guy that's perfectly okay because if I was new I probably wouldn't like me either now if you stick around you'll really like me I've made certain discoveries I want to share those discoveries with you what you learn here today may be the difference or be part of the difference at least it's going to be part of the puzzle of what the hell Alcoholics Anonymous is about and what you're supposed to do and that's all this is so I want you to participate and I want you to relax. This is not going to be a long, tedious day. We're going to do it easy and we're going take breaks and you're going ask the questions you want to ask and we are not going play any games we're not going have any masks we're no going try to impress anybody. That's not what this is about. We're not goign measure anybody by their questions or their comments. That's no what this about. Alcoholics and alcoholics we don't measure people. We're no goign convince anybody not to drink either. Because whether you drink or not, I really don't care. This is not a treatment center. And Alcoholics Anonymous is a little different sometimes because sometimes people think in AlcoholicsAnonymous our function is to convince you not to drink. It's impossible to convince somebody not to drinking. If you want to drink, you're going to drink it. The greatest speakers in the world aren't going to keep you from drinking if you want to drink at all. drink purpose of alcohol synonymous is to share the experience of people who not thought they never could stop drinking and did without to share that with other people who want to do that and don't know how now there's a big difference there's not a scare tactic and if you recover from alcoholism or not doesn't matter to me because there's nothing in it for me that's one of the most wonderful things about alcohol synonymus when you go to alcohol So that means you're going to find that you can trust those people because there's nothing in it for them. If your life gets better for you, how does that improve their life? All my life, people told me what to do, but they had a motive. And I knew they didn't understand, so I never listened to them. There's no motive here. If you make it or don't make it, our lives, those people's lives, are not improved. The only catch to Alcoholics Anonymous is if something special happens to you as a result of your participation in Alcoholics Anonymous, and if your life is improved as a result of that, it won't keep happening unless you offer to others. Now, that's the catch. AlcoholicsAnonymous has a catch. If you got it, you want to keep it, you've got to be willing to give it away. Now, you can't give away something you don't have. So if you don't have it, don't worry about it. You're not supposed to have it. If you're new, you're not suppose to have it. If you are new, you are not supposed to even understand a lot of the things about alcoholics and animals. But you are going to understand everything we talk about here today. I'm going to tell you, I want to thank you for taking your hat off. I know you, I like hats too. I'm kind of an outdoors guy, so I spend all my time that I can out in the woods or fields hunting and fishing and I always wear a hat. Do you know why I don't wear hats at AME's? out of a sense of dignity. I won't wear a hat in church. This is my church. This is our religion. Religion is a system of belief. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous is. So I take my hat off when I come to an Alcoholics and Anonymous meeting as a sense or acknowledgement of the dignity of the place that I'm at. Well, I appreciate that you did that. It's not a matter of defiance. It's just not a manner of your right. There's no more important place for me to be in than a meeting of alcoholics and I. It's more important for me to be here than it is to be in the White House and I'd never sit down with the President of the United States with my hat on. Right? It's a matter of courtesy. I acknowledge by that surrender that I want to fit in. I don't want to be different. I don' t want to demand my right to do what I want to do because as long as I did that, I was doing the drink. I'll tell you the reason I'm here. The reason I'm here, one of the reasons i'm here of course the real reason is because i have to give it away to keep it and i've got it i mean what i've done is that i've gotten a recovery that i never thought possible doesn't mean i'm a wonderful person in my life is just without any difficulty that's not what it means at all but i'll tell you what's happened here i'm not the same person that i used to be and i didn't think that would ever be possible i thought i was going to be doomed to live as me for the rest of my life. The me that I knew back in November 1971. But I'm not that same person. And if the person that came in here on November 3rd, 1971 was standing up here and then on this side was the me that's standing here today, you wouldn't even see. You'd say, those are two different people. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous offers to you and it offers to me and it offered to a lot of people. One of the motivators, though, that I'm here, I think, is that something changed in my life about five years ago. Although I've been doing this for, I don't know how long, but about ten years, Joe. I think the class of 81 and 82 was our first beginner's class. And where I come from, we do this. We have a beginner's classroom. and the purpose of it is to give you information that you might be able to use to help yourself and we do it on a regular basis and my hats are off to you guys for coming here because if you come here just by being here you're ahead of the game your presence here means that you think it's important enough to take time out of your busy life to sit on a chair in a room to hear somebody you don't know and you're sure he's going to bore you, but you're willing to take that risk. That's an important surrender. But about five years ago, Alcoholics Anonymous published its survey. Every five years, AlcoholicsAnonymous, a world service organization, publishes a survey of its membership. And what they do is they send out survey forms like any other census this, and they sent them all over the world to groups. And what those groups do is they fill out that form. I meant to bring that survey here, and I forgot to do it. I wanted to show it to you because I wanted you to understand why it's so important that we're going to do what we're doing here today. You're going to have to take my word for what it says. But I tell you, what I say it says, it really says. If you have any doubt, I'll send it to you. But if you don't believe me, then we're going to make a little bet. Because if it says what I Say It Says, you have to send some money to your central office. And if it doesn't, I will send some of the money to the central office." It really says what it says." So I called back there and I said, read the census to me because I want to be able to tell them exactly what it says. Now, there's going to be a new census done in Alcoholics Anonymous and published shortly. It won't be much different than this, because this was not much different from the one before. It may change by a percentage or two. Here's what the census of AlcoholicsAnonymous last reported. The survey concluded as a result of all of the answering of the questions by the groups that 33% of all the membership of Alcoholics Anonymous present then in Alcoholics Anonymous was less than one year sober. 33%. 38% was one to five years sober. Okay? 29% was sober more than five years that means that 71% of all the people in Alcoholics Anonymous had less than five years of continuous sobriety and then to top it off they did an average the average of all the membership was 52 months and I read that and I was frightened because I said to myself that's nuts we've had 57 years to accumulate people in Alcoholics Anonymous that census should be 71% of the people have more than 10 years that's what it should say or 5 years it's upside down that's fact it doesn't even conform to society where are you from Don? here where are you from honey? Boca Grande I don't know anything about Boca Grande is it a village a town it's an island how big is it? 7 miles long how many people are there? $2,000. How many babies? Babies. I'm going to take all the people in Boca Grande, is it? And we divide them up. We have more babies? Dollar people? Well, forget areas that may be slanted because of retirement type. If you go to Wichita, Kansas, Billings, Montana, where people don't generally go to retire. Just the typical place that people live and sort them out. Anywhere in the world you do this and sort him out. People over 30 over here and 10 over here and from 10 to babies here. Won't be the biggest group. Of course, by far. That's reality. It's the way it's supposed to be. Because Wichita Candace has been there a long time. So has AA. So I said to myself, either AA doesn't work or something's wrong. Now by this time, I'm sober a lot of years when I read that survey. And I say to myself think about that. And I did think about it. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous in 1971, every room was full. every room was full of people I'm not so nuts and self-centered to think that when I came in all of a sudden that was the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous it was full people every room meetings everywhere everywhere there were people there were meetings when this was a sleepy little village Naples, Florida I was here there were meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous and it was a sleeping little village wherever there were people, there were meetings of alcoholics and I said those meetings were full. And I thought back to myself, geez, in the first year I came, there are a lot of guys and gals that came in with me and they're all gone. It's all gone! Oh, there's one here and one there, but for the most part, they're all gone。 And you know, in 1972, when I had a year of sobriety, a lot of people came in, guys and gels, and they were all gone? Most of them are all gone!. In 1973, we were really in our missionary stage. You'll get in that. That's when you have very little knowledge and you can't wait to share it with somebody. Oh, God. But I tell you, we do a lot of good in our visionary stage. You know why? Because we have enthusiasm. We have enthusiasm, and enthusiasm is contagious. But a lot people came into Alcoholics Anonymous and most of them are gone. So I said to myself, no, wait a minute. Either this doesn't work or something's wrong. And I'm going to tell you something. I believe it works. I believe that it works because I'm still here and a lot of other people are still here. So it has to work. But what's wrong then? Maybe it's the way we tell people what it is. Maybe since 1935 and 1939 when the book Alcoholics Anonymous was printed, maybe we started to water this thing down, trying to get people to accept it. Maybe we're trying to sell this thing so that if you don't like its taste we water it down so it tastes good to you. Maybe it's the idea we're so anxious to make you accept it that we sell it out. I tell you what you get you put some whiskey in a glass and you add some water and you have some more water and you had some more water and you add some more water and you have enough water you won't drink it. You throw it out because it doesn't work. You put enough water on that whiskey it doesn' t work and you're not going to drink it you just won't drinking because it's not going work a shot of whiskey and a pint of water give me a break so we've done the Alcoholics Anonymous some places and it happened where I live I don't know if that happened here so what we're gonna do is I'm going to tell you what I think is the real fact and maybe give you those tools that you can build something on them. This is a program about change. New change in you. This has very little to do with drinking. There are two kinds of alcoholics, I think. I think, remember, you don't have to believe anything I say. I thing, I observe. First kind, wonderful person, never had any real problems loves who they are gets along with everybody just drinks too much gets in a lot of trouble stops drinking and becomes again a wonderful person without a lot problem just gets along with everybody I don't know anything about that kind of alcoholic then Then there's another alcoholic, who can hardly ever remember being happy, who hardly has any sense of self-image, who's carried secrets around all her life, dirty secrets, shameful secrets, who feels weak, scared, different, rebellious, sorry, mad, subject to depression, haunted by anxiety, visited by financial and every other insecurity, and who when they drank those things improved and like the effect of alcohol and drank to have those things improve I know a lot about that kind of alcoholic if you're one of those this is gonna make sense to you if you are the first kind your finished product I stand before you part of that second group but I'm not a finished product. I'm a constant evolving, learning, trying to be a better guy. Who knows things now after being sober 20 years that they didn't know when I was 10 years sober? When I was two years sober, I had a lot of opinions about Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought I knew a lot the answers. When I five years sober I was embarrassed by what I publicly had said when I was two years sober. When I was ten years sober, I realized how sick I was when I were five years sober and when I celebrated my 20th anniversary, I knew that I knew the questions. I knew they were questions. the answer but I do the questions you can't get the answer unless you know the question I know the question and think the answers will always elude me and that's what I'll do for the rest of my life trying to find the answers and that's an adventure in living that's not a chore that's not a punishment that's not painful it's an exciting adventure where I come from sometime about ten years ago or thereabouts I don't know I did an experiment with the people who are new to Alcoholics Anonymous in the beginners gathering and I challenged them to use their imagination some of you know about this and maybe you've heard it on a tape or something, but I'm going to do it today. I asked him what an alcoholic was. See, we use a lot of words around here. I don't know if we know what the hell we're talking about. What's an alcoholic? Well, How long are you sober? What's your name? Carolyn. Carolyn, how long are you sober ? A little over a month. I want you to do something for me. Play this game with me, okay? Trust me, Carolyn. Okay, kid. Be honest. Close your eyes. Picture an alcoholic. Where did your picture come from? Tell us what your picture is. picture someone at a bar thinking that they are having a good time you know what most people picture when they do that dirty old man most beginners now that was very tough for her because part of that experiment is they're wondering what should I say I want to have the right answer but if we had enough time to just cool down and be out of the defense mechanism and we just relaxed and somebody said okay now we're ready close your eyes most people would picture a dirty old man right you agree don't you young lady well that it makes me crazy you know why because I wish you would have pictured a dirty old woman okay do you want me to stand this side of the mic That's an alcoholic. Woke you up, huh, Joe? How about in front? It's all right in front. Why don't we turn this off and so I can move around and make these... I want to do this for these people and not for those people. Let's see if we can do that, okay? That may work. Okay. Most people picture a dirty old man because most people when they come into Alcoholics Anonymous picture Skid Row, Derelict, Failure, Loser. Okay, you work on it Okay And that was my perception when I came here It wasn't me I was too young I was 34 years old By the time I last I got here Now I've been kind of creeping up on coming from the time I was about 30, okay? And to me, 30 was young. Now it doesn't seem so young to some of you people who are younger. It's a terrible thing that happened to me. Excuse me. What do you want me to do with this thing? Is that better for you? Oh, if it's better for me, if it is for you, I will do it. No, no, I just... Okay, fine. Whatever is better for you. It's not better for me. I want to sing doing it my way, you know? I was giving a talk somewhere this last year. I don't know what state. I think it was in Minnesota. And the guy walked up to me and said, there's a guy in Salt Lake City who would just love to have an autographed copy of one of your tapes. He's a very special guy because he's got something in common with you. Your sobriety date is very important to him. You know, being an alcoholic... he said she was born the day you got sober and I thought Jesus I never thought I'd get so old I hope to get a lot older when I was 30 I thought that was awful young to be an alcoholic and I pictured a skid or a bum and when I got into Alcoholics Anonymous and people started to talk about alcoholics I didn't know what they were talking about I knew what they was saying what's an alcoholic so I look in the book Alcoholics Anonymous and you know what it doesn't say in the books Alcoholics Anonymous what an alcoholic is it doesn' t say that at all there's no definition of alcoholic there's descriptions, there's not definition I look on 12 and 12 there's now definition of alcoholic, there' s nowhere anywhere in the book or any of the literature of alcoholics anonymous that says what an alcoholic is how do i know if when i say an alcoholic you are seeing and thinking of the same thing how do I know that wouldn't it be a cruel hoaxes when you use the term I'm thinking about something else we're not communicating so I asked that group back in 1980 or whenever it was to do an experiment I asked them to make an alcoholic I asked him to go into their minds and and the laboratory, the pretending. I said pretend. Now, alcoholics know how to do that. Right? Let me give you a different word. Fantasize. Okay? Let's do that Let's go into that laboratory. Let's pretend. Let's fantasize. Let's picture ourselves in a laboratory and let's make an alcoholic. what do you find in a laboratory you find a mad scientist that'll be me I'll play that part there are all kinds of goofy looking equipment there's always test tubes so I'm going to stand before you as the mad scientist I'm gonna hold up a test tube and you're gonna make an alcoholic I said to this group I said make an alcohol so I held up an invisible make-believe test tube and I asked those people who were brand new like you months sober make an alcoholic because the idea is if we can see what it is we'll know what we're talking about fair enough? makes sense so I held that tube up that test tube and I said make an alcohol and after a while the first person that volunteered was a young girl very young girl younger than you she said put in fear somebody else said put in anger somebody else said put in depression somebody else said put in anxiety someone else said put in perfectionism someone else said put in guilt next person said put in some more guilt that must have been an Irish Catholic the three kinds of guilt Irish guilt Catholic guilt and English Catholic guilt Protestants don't know as much about guilt as us Catholics do loneliness superiority inferiority remorse negative self-image self-hatred denial that's what they wanted to put in and that's what they put in the test tube when they were making their alcoholic and they put in a lot of other things that maybe you thought of or think about right now and they didn't put in what I thought they put in first alcohol they didn'y put it in and I said to him are you missing something and he looked at me somebody said yeah put in some alcohol so we did in this imaginary setting and guess what happened if you're in that setting right now you see what happens I have the test tube they put in the ingredients and now I'm going to pour alcohol in that test tube something is happening you see it you really see it gradually, just a little alcohol, just a little more alcohol, and what do you see? Alcohol makes fear go away. Alcohol makes loneliness dilute. Just enough alcohol and anger subsides. Just enough alcohol and we are and feel like we want to be and look. I know ladies who admit that when they drink just a little alcohol, they are prettier. They feel prettier. You're guilty, right? And I know none who feel the same way. I know men who observe while other people drink too. They get prettier. There's a man or two in this audience that walked into a bar, looked around and said, Oh God. Had four drinks, looked back and said Holy Christ! Just a little alcohol removes cowardice and gives us courage. And when that works for alcoholics like me, why should I want it to stop? Why should I Want to Stop Drinking? I won't. Ever. Because drinking and me equals good. Drinking and me equal comfort, joy, non-dancers dance after they have a few drinks and feel, now I know I'm going to age myself, like Fred Astaire. Do you have any idea who that is? Why would you want to stop if it works like that? he wants me to try this how does it sound can you hear back there not gonna work we're gonna get this straight down now just be a little patient we're gonna do this okay i don't want to do this but we're going to do this because it's for you okay now listen I don't want to stop here. Because I don' t want you to lose this thought. It's important you understand if you're an alcoholic of that type, that's why I drank. Because I am the test tube. I've always been the test tube. Why when I was that test tube didn't say oh I'm a test tube and I'm full of fear and anxiety and set negative self-image? I just was me. And that's the last person I ever wanted to be with. And I hoped to lose him because I didn't like him. I found no peace with him. I found not dignity with him, and if you would have said to me, change, I'll let you be somebody else, I would've said, who would you let me be? Because I want to be somebody else. But when I'm drinking, I don't want to anybody else. She said, I'm just fine. I can walk into a bar and be a truck driver and walk out an airline pilot oh yeah that's right and it's wonderful and that's why I drink sorry we continued the experiment and we continued to put more and more alcohol in the test tube. You know what we observed? That at some point, the alcohol no longer diluted. It stopped working. What did you do when alcohol stopped working? Did you stop drinking? Did you say to yourself... Johnny, what did you say when alcohol stopped working? Oh, well, it stopped working. I think I'll quit. No, I want the heroin next. You didn't hear him. You didn' t miss a thing. More. If just enough alcohol doesn' t work, I know what to do. Put in more. why to destroy myself to get crazy to feel depression or anxiety or negative self-image or loneliness or have remorse or guilt new to have it do what it did early on remove those things let me be happy happy that's how I want to be that's all you ever wanted to be think about it take all the crap out of your life all the intellectual processes and if I say I give you one wish one thing you could do one thing you can feel here's my gift I'm the good fairy God I'm careful when I say that I hope you don't misinterpret that You would choose to be happy because every human being desperately wants that as the beginning and end of their existence. A feeling of comfortable. That's all we want. Okay? When drinking stops working, people like me drink. And if that doesn't work, some of us do other things as an extension of that search for relief from me and my inability to relate to you out there. Okay? if you keep drinking after it stops working instead of diluting the test tube you know what's going to happen? everything in that test tube if that's you is going to be intensified you think you know loneliness you act and drink after you know it no longer works and you will find a new meaning you will find a deeper understanding of the word loneliness fear will take on new dimensions not only justified fears non-existent fears those are the wonderful ones where you wake up in the morning after a wonderful day and you just wake up and you know it's doomsday. And you don't know why, but you know you're guilty. And you know what's going to happen and you don' t know what' s going to hap pen. It' s kind of like when the phone rings and you kno w they' re on the other side. And your friend says, Well, what are you afraid of? Who are they? You say, I don' T know, but I don't answer it. It' S alcoholics of my type. That's what we're dealing here with. Now, if we're in that laboratory, folks, and we say, okay, I've seen the experiment and I understand how it works. Alcohol for some people works and then stops working. And if those people continue to use it, it will destroy their minds long before it destroys their bodies. The curse of alcoholism is not that it will kill you. It won't. I came down here to find out my dad has cancer. And Monday they're going to take him, and tomorrow he's going to go in the hospital in Naples, Florida and they're gonna get him ready and Monday morning at 7 o'clock they're gunna operate on him. if he has a serious cancer if he does I don't know that he does one of the merciful things about that is that he will soon die there's nothing merciful about alcoholism see, if you got it and you don't treat it you might have to live with it for 30 or 40 or 50 years doing hard time being as angry as you are thinking as little about yourself as you do keeping your secrets and accumulating more being more and more separated from society with a smaller and smaller group of people who will be defiant like you that's what I was faced with when I got here now in that laboratory if you picture that experiment and that's happened in your life let's take the alcohol out of the test tube totally and all the other things you put in afterwards trying to supplement the alcohol and you know what people think that drugs are the things that people put in I'll tell you there's a lot of things people put it trying to supply some people put them in gambling a lot of people put in pornography if you don't hear that talked a lot about in Alcoholics Anonymous it's like the big secret we're not going to have any secrets here today pornography as a way to escape and dream and fantasize a secret really true. Really true. Not just drugs. Put a lot of things in there. But let's take that alcohol out of that test tube in this laboratory. Yes, we got the test tube full of the same things we had before we put the alcohol in. And we're going to take a break now and the next thing we're going to talk about is what do we do with what we got in that test room okay now anytime at any time we're talking you ever feel that you have to get up and go somewhere just feel free to do that washroom or i don't take any offense to people moving around i Don't demand your uninvited, constant attention. And if I feel like I have to go, I'm just going to go. Come on, ladies. Good. I feel better now. Joe told me he's not leaving. I woke Joe up and... God, that mention in pornography does it all the time. No, it wasn't at that point. Okay, Joe, don't leave now. Okay. You can hear me back there, all right? Okay, any time that you can't because I'm not, you know, used to this, just raise your hand and then we'll make the adjustment. Okay. Remember I talked about the survey? it's my opinion that a lot of people leave here because we don't give them the tools to stay that we water it down so bad wanting to like it that we don' t give them the tools and I want the newcomers to have the tools as I think the tools exist now again remember i'm nobody nobody appointed me i don't speak for alcoholics anonymous i don's speak for my home group i don speak for a committee these are just my opinions and you can reject them and it's okay but maybe if you just keep an open mind when you're finished here today you're going to be better off than you were when you came and in your own private times in your own private moments you're going to know that these things do work and apply and you'll have the tools i'm going to tell you that it's tough to stay sober it's not easy and it doesn't just get better and better and bitter and better that's a lie it gets to be life and life doesn't and just get better and better and better and better. You get older and sicker and the people around you get older and sickier. You have good fortune and bad fortune. You might stay sober ten years and then lose your job and then be overqualified to ever work again. That really happens. That really happens. You might be sober fifteen years and then get a divorce and you might be heartbroken over that turn of events. It doesn't mean AA doesn't work. It doesn' t mean you haven' t recovered or are recovering from alcoholism. It means it' s your life. Sometimes we hear people tell newcomers just stay sober and you' ll get better and better. And when it stops getting better, they leave because they say it' S a lie. AA doesn' T work. They' ve been told that AA is something it is not. And it' Is not going to get better and better you're going to get better and better life will continue to be live in life's mostly bad breaks and misunderstandings and inconveniences and it's sprinkled with good times and it sprinkled some moments of okay it's sprinkle with some success mostly defeat there's more work than there is pleasure that's called life that's always the way life has been that's the real life see i always believed that at some point you lived happily ever after I always believe that long before I came to Delcox anonymous and there were some point if I get that woman I will live happily ever after if I X amount of dollars I will live happily every after if i get that job I will live happily and thereafter if I will be somebody I will live happily ever after. I believe that. When I was a kid and they wrote those little stories and then they lived happily ever afterwards, I believed it. I guess the other kids didn't, but I did. I believed them. And when it didn't happen for me, I knew that I was at fault or somebody was to blame. And I'm good at finding fault and placing blame. That's the kind of alcoholic I am. I'm a great critic. I can find the defects and the injustices everywhere I look in the world. And they make me mad. And I know the answer if the people would just live the way I want them to live. And it's not fair that that goddamn train had to be there. I'm in a hurry. Or that old fool is in front of me doesn't he see the light has turned to green I'll kill that guy he ought to die reverse it you be daydreaming and then the car behind goes babe my manhood is challenged you know I look back and I look for that handicap sticker because if there is I'm jumping out and grabbing him by the throat you know I'm not dumb I'll tell you that's the kind of alcoholic I am if you're like that this is about you today when they take the alcohol out of my test tube they leave all that stuff in there so when I just stop drinking it's not wonderful it's no wonderful when I stopped drinking oh at first it's okay you know why because in the first month or two or year or two the drunkenness is removed I don't get into fights I don' t go to those places I don t lose my car I don t throw up in that sense it gets better but after a while not losing your car not getting into fights not not remembering where you were the next the night before just gets to be old hat and life still is not wonderful because now I'm just sober and now I don't know how to deal with those secrets that anger with loneliness but rebellion the feeling of not being part of that guilt after the honeymoon is over just being sober I'm left with the guy that I never wanted to be with me and then the people around me in these meetings of alcoholics and out of us they don't look so good anymore they start to look gray I got tired of listening to their same old stories over and over and over again. And then I want to go to those meetings and I'm sober and I've been sober a year or two or six months or nine months and the answer isn't being sober and I always knew that And so do you. You've been sober many times before you came here. You've Been Sober for periods of time during your life long before you came to Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes days, sometimes weeks you've been sober, sometimes months you've been sober, some of you have been sober for years long before you came into Alcoholics anonymous and he chose to drink again and again and again because you can't stand sober so if you think and we tell you that the name of the game is don't drink you're soon gonna leave because you're gonna to find no don't drink doesn't cause any good feelings and yet you go around alcoholics anonymous and there are people telling you if your second type like I am the B type and I just don't drink sooner or later I can't live with that test tube and I got to go and drink to try to make it work again because I can't stand the way I'm living sober you can't go to these meetings and be comfortable if you're thinking about how you can sneak to that video store and buy that video or rent it or get that book you can't feel comfortable at these meetings and talk about gratitude after you just punched out your wife? Hey. Stop your kids around and sit at these meetings and act like, well newcomer, if you want what I have and know you're lying, you've got to leave here because at some point if you don't feel like you're recovering. You sit around here long enough and lie here long genug, the lies will get caught right here and you will, to maintain your sanity, leave Alcoholics Anonymous. That's my experience. For people like me now, it may not apply to everybody, it maynot apply to anybody in the back of the room. But for my type of alcoholic, there's a hypocrisy I can't deal with and I can only lie long enough so long until I have to leave and find some other place to lie at to start over to escape so I'm telling you if you're new this is not about not drinking this is about recovering from alcoholism and you can't do that while you drink you can recover from alcohol and drink too this is about feeling happy but I don't know if we know what we're talking about when I say happy what's happy I don' t know what do you think happy is John I know it's hard and I just threw this at you but think for a minute don't think of the right answer think of what does come to you what do you think happy is if I say John happy what's the first thought you have hey i'm not a psychologist i'm not playing psychiatric games here so don't anybody think that because i don't know anything about i can't even spell psychiatric happy's happy john says he doesn't well no what sherry what's happy sherry says i've never been happy so i don t know No, I didn't either, Sherry, because I don't remember ever being happy. I remember high. Okay, I remember hi. I remember escape. I remember swinging. I remember swaying, but I don' t remember happy. Happy. Yeah, happy. Anybody? Happy. When things go my way. Things go my away. Yes, sir. Peace of mind. Peace of mine. We're going to keep it in here. That was my mistake. Content. Freedom. anybody else yes not hurting who who yourself comfortable oh god what a word how do you get that way for you it's sobriety I can guarantee you that there's a particle of truth in what everybody says that's got the least amount of particle of true because I'll tell you something that's the ugliest thing you ever saw. You think active alcoholism looks bad? You should see long-term untreated alcoholism. You want to see something sad? You see somebody who's sober 25 years and who has never taken any steps and you listen to their critical appraisal of the world, their fault finding their lack of ability to fit in and sit back their anger and their pontificating that's sad but it sounds right I don't want to be that way I'm that way at my worst that's not how I want to end up But there's a particle of truth. Of course, you have to have that to build on to get anything else. Anybody else? Happy. Yes, sir. Serenity. Whatever that means. Yes, Sir. Acceptance. I'm sure every one of these has. How do you get that though? Yes, ma'am. Being able to go to sleep at night is happy for her. The man there is shaking his head. I understand. That's right. Yes, Sur. People that act the way I want them to act. People that act the way I want them. But how do I get to feel that way? Yes, sir. When people don't say no, I'm happy. I guess. I guess, I guess Joe wants to say something. Go ahead, Joe. Except how do you do that, Joe? Accepting yourself. How much? Yes, ma'am. I don't think that happiness for me would be not to be plagued by negativity, but I definitely... Removal of negativity. God, we're negative people, aren't we? This B type of alcoholic. I mean, it's always like I need more and something different. No matter what I get, it is not enough. I should have that. I mean no matter what good fortune comes my way, that's fine. But, and yet we have the... Yes, sir. Okay, I'm sure there's an element of truth in that. Yes, ma'am? Being honest and having a clear... How do you do that? Yes, sir? Being okay, comfortable. You agree that's kind of like comfortable, right? Being okay with yourself. Yes, madam? Letting go and letting go. Okay, now there's some action. That's an action, okay? That's fine, and you think the result to that action is some kind of okay yes sir being able to remember what I did yesterday in your case maybe you wouldn't be I'll tell you some of the things I've been most grateful for is a loss of memory I'll try it God there were times I got up and I couldn't remember I thought thanks geez but no I understand I'm just being cute yeah I'm being cute but what is happy what is happy we've all put elements of happy I don't know what is the happy they talk about in Alcoholics Anonymous how do you get it I think yeah Joe being able to accept what is going on in your life right now yeah being able to accept what is going on within your life right now I'm sure that's true. Happiness is a process that people like me have to learn. It didn't, doesn't come natural to me. It seems to come natural to others. At least it's my observation. But it doesn't to me but happiness, I think just my opinion I have no I can't quote anything and tell you This is true because somebody said that. No, I didn't do that. I'm just sharing my experience. I think happiness for people like me is not the acquisition of something new. It is the removal of the restraints that have held me in bondage. I have been held in bondagem by my own fear, my own inadequacies, My own self-doubts, my own negative self-image, my secrets. I have always been and will continue to be as sick as my secrets and I believe for alcoholics of my type, happiness is the removal of those restraints, not the acquisition of anything new. I don't think happiness is her, him, it, their. I honestly tell you, I learned that in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think my feeling of comfortable freedom, feeling okay about myself, being able to accept life on life's terms, being sober and all the things you said are part and parcel of my being free of the things that are in the test tube which together make up who I am. And the question is how do you get free of those things? Because guys if I have all the thing that are on the test cube and I take out the alcohol I still feel those things. I want relief from those things and if you can't give it to me I will ultimately be forced to go out to find it because I can't stand it. Alcoholics of my type. Alcoholics Anonymous is the thing that replaces the alcohol. here's how it works before I do that I've just had a thought kind of exciting to me but not to you apparently but before I come in and how it worked and I'm not I'm not trying to over or explain or replace the book alcoholics anonymous please don't interpret it that way how I understand it works as a result of understanding how it works okay why it works it works because this is the first place I've ever been in my life that I knew they understood every place I have ever been before November 3rd 1971 people told me don't you understand what you're doing to yourself don't just see what you are doing to them or us change stop don't do that don't act that way and my thought always was get out of my face who are you to tell me. You are my problem. It's because of people like you, I think to myself, is why my life's in such a mess. If I could get rid of all you people, terrible people like mothers, fathers, wives, children. Terrible things like brothers and sisters. I would be okay. It's the pressure and your demands and your criticisms and your expectations of me. I can convince myself. That's why I drink. I mean that. I know that feeling. I don't know if you do. that's why I drink I'm convinced of that but when I came here they didn't tell me those things they didn'y tell me don't drink they didn''t tell me that I was going to die if I kept drinking they didn'T tell me what I should do they told me what they did and how they lived and how they now live and I said to myself They understand. And you know what? I knew they understood. That's why they got me. That's how it worked before how it works. It was the only place in the whole world that I ever came and people didn't tell me. They shared themselves with me and there was nothing in it for them. And I was not captivated by their stories of how much they drank or how many dirty books they read how long they masturbated or how long... Hey. What they did with drugs and what they did... I wasn't interested in that. That wouldn't captivate me. That didn't make me feel that they understood when they talked about guilt and the things that were in a test tube. That's when I knew they understood. I knew they understood about pretending they're okay so people wouldn't find out they were what they were and how they were and how hard that is to do until some days you just don't even care about pretending anymore you just don't care about living anymore it's just let me out of here that pain is so great and that pain is felt during sober during sober not during drunk i've been around long enough to have had a lot of people take their fourth and fifth steps with me hardly ever do they relate to me things they did while drunk it's the things their secrets were committed during their sobriety and sometimes when they were seven and eight and 10 and 12 and 15 and 20. And here they're 65 and they're still haunted by what they did when they were nine. That's sad. That freedom to be able to be released from that bondage of that kind of unforgiving guilt. And when I came in this room and those people shared with me i knew they understood i didn't know they could help but i knew they understand they understood every bit as much as the people i used to drink with understood because that's what people talk about when they're drinking look my crowd when i finally ended up with my little group of people after i had estranged myself from most of the world I like me and we shared certain beliefs the world sucks who needs them we know they don't know my little group or the like the last survivors in Alamo we were right we were gonna and we're gonna go down fighting or we were alone never tell anybody cry don't ever let me know you cry especially if your man can't cry I cried before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I cried after I came in alcoholics and I will continue to cry because to cry is human it's human and I'm a human being how many people that are new in this room and this half of that room not in the back how many of you cried tried do you ever think you'd raise your hand to that question think about it do you think he'd ever sit in a room with a bunch of strangers in the hand Raise your hand that you've cried. That's how sick guys like me are. You know why? Why? Because it's not like being a man. Is it some kind of cowardice? I cried in the privacy of my bedroom. I've cried in bathroom. I've cryed in the car. I've crying running down the street. I've prayed. I prayed long before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. God, what's wrong with me? What's wrong? What's going on with me I'm never going to get away from this. I came here and these people started talking and I thought to myself, these guys know me. They know me because I'm like them. Maybe I can get help here to do what? Get sober? Sounds like that. To change so I can live with myself. How it works. AA is designed to effectuate something that you never wanted or thought would have any meaning in your life. And that is to effectulate a spiritual awakening, the result of which will remove from you any thought of drinking and will give you a you you can live with comfortably. but it doesn't happen as a result of going to meetings. AA is two ideas, not one, which we have so wrapped together that I think we have diluted it and makes it so it is not functionable for newcomers. And maybe that's why they leave. First idea, AA is a fellowship. A fellowship. It's the coming together of people who have a similar problem or dilemma to support one another and share their hope and their strength. They come together and they have meetings. They come together and they have conferences. They come together and they have picnics. They come together and they go play baseball. They come together and they go to coffee shops. They come together and they say prayers. In some places, they hold hands when they say a prayer. They come together to be together in support and in hope and in love so that we together can beat something that we ourselves cannot. But that does not treat alcoholism. Part one, idea one, AA is a support mechanism, a fellowship. part two idea two it is a series of actions if which we if we would take would cause that spiritual awakening by which we would remove the things in the test tube if this sounds confusing think of it this way okay think of the fellowship as a hospital think of the steps as an operation if my dad tomorrow is admitted to the hospital and they treat him with care and love and support and they share there's a man here who shared with me the fact that he had the same operation two years ago and he's doing fine and if i brought him there and said dad talk to this guy it'll give you hope and he'll say frank my dad's name is frank he'd say frank look at this is what i had and it's tough but i have survived and life goes on and it will for you now that'll be wonderful and my dad would feel better instantly and we do that in Alcoholics Anonymous we say to each other and when you're new here's our story but if my dad doesn't get the operation he's gonna die if you come into alcohol synonymous and just stay in the hospital and wrap yourself up around the love but you don't treat what's in the test tube you're gonna leave Alcoholics Anonymous because you have to to find relief from what's and the test do a is the hospital idea one it's the operation idea two one follows the other you can't take the operation unless you're in the hospital getting to the hospital is an admission and a surrender that allows you to get ready and accept the operation but both ideas have to be done and come together if there's going to be recovery from alcoholism if you're my type of alcoholic it i don't know what type you are it's easy to go to those meetings it's a lot easier to go those meetings than it is to take those steps i mean let's be honest you have a you have a captive audience just like i have here they got to listen to you we'd love to sit there and tell them half the story and then see what they're going to do with those facts I challenge you make me happy here's half the story it's not easier to do that than do those why should I do these you know these are the simplest things in the world to do but if you're an alcoholic of my type you will resist getting well this was so hideous about this disease if somebody came to my dad this morning and said Frank we can cure you all you have to do is do 12 things take 12 actions and that cancer will be removed forever. You think he would resist those 12 things? I don't care what they were, how hard they were. You know why? He wants to live. That's true of people who have diabetes. It's true for people who are blind. If you said, listen, we can cure your blindness. We can prevent you from going blind. All you've got to do is take these actions. When could I start, they'd say. They would. AIDS. No problem. Twelve actions, if practiced over a period of time, will remove your AIDS. Guaranteed. Tell me what they are. How quickly can I have them? Well, you've got to take them one at a time. No problem, and you've got to make sure that you take them in order. No, I'll do it. You know why? Because they want to live and they believe they're sick. why don't we do that why don t we take those actions why are we as enthusiastic about our recoveries those people when we do then either for them to accept me or to approve of me I've done a lot of things in my life for other people's approval I don't do anything for anybody's approval anymore it's not important I learned an alcoholics anonymous the only approval I seek is the approval of God and myself. That's the only approval. And once I feel like a man, I never have to act like a men. You know when you feel like a man you never have to act as a man? You don't have to prove you're a man. If you feel you're like a real man you don't need to be in a fight to prove it. You know you're a man what do you have to prove? How could you not be ready to live free, happy, comfortable? How could you not be ready because the alcoholic suffers from denial because you don't really believe you're an alcoholic of that type or you still think your case is different or you don' t believe it works that this will work I got news for you you don''t have to believe you don ''t even have to understand if you are new you're sober a month all you got to do is be willing to believe and the belief will come as long as we take the denial off of our you know Bob Conrad the guy that I've met on several occasions you know he did that commercial with the battery on his shoulder I dare you how many of us come into Alcoholics Anonymous with that battery on our shoulder I dare ya to help me how dare you who are you nobody we won't touch your battery