The Holy Trinity of Me and the Prison of Ego – Paul M.

About This Speaker Tape

Northern Ireland, the height of the Troubles. Paul M. describes a childhood where the war wasn't on the TV—it was two dead men outside the front door. He carried a chip on both shoulders and a "stone-in-the-shoe" feeling that no amount of geography could fix. He washed up like driftwood in Rockaway Beach, working a dive bar where you needed 32 customers to see a full set of teeth.

For Paul, alcohol was a "Faustian bargain," a magic elixir that smoothed the rough edges of a chronic people-pleaser. But the solution became worse than the problem. He describes the "rabacious creditor" of booze taking everything until he was strapped into a restraining sheet in a hospital. He speaks of the "broken shoelace" moment—the absolute chaos of the bottom where quicksand stretched in every direction. Only by getting on his knees and surrendering to a Higher Power did he move from the problem to the solution, trading dry time for sober time.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction by Peter; Paul M. is introduced to the group.
• 4:15 Laughter: Paul jokes about the 'Ethical Centre' and his own background.
• 8:40 Paul discusses the 'twin killers' of the alcoholic: resentment and self-pity.
• 15:20 Paul describes his childhood in Northern Ireland and the 'stone-in-the-shoe' feeling.
• 22:10 Detailed account of working in a rough Rockaway Beach bar.
• 31:45 The 'broken shoelace' moment and the cycle of relapse.
• 42:10 The spiritual experience on his knees and his first call to Jerry C.
• 51:30 Discussion on the 12 Steps and the danger of 'osmosis' in meetings.
• 58:15 Paul's struggle with the Fourth Step and his desire to make it a 'work of art'.
• 1:10:20 Account of his heart attack and flatlining in the OR.
• 1:22:15 The history of AA's arrival in Ireland via Connor F. and Richard P.
• 1:28:40 Final thoughts on the 'bondage of self' and the importance of service.