The Fourth Step Isn’t Finished Until Your Own Name Is in the Resentment Column – Jim P.

I'm an alcoholic, my name is Jim. And I know that today and I know that for a long time now. And a couple of reasons why I know it is in the doctor's opinion and in more about alcoholism and I'll get to that in a few minutes. My sobriety date is February 18, 2002 and I did not pick that date. If I'd picked a date, it would have been the date I walked in this room, which was October 18, 1998. So you can see it took a little while for me to really pick a handle on this program. I'm up here not to entertain or anything else. I'm here to basically give you my experience, strength and hope, tell you what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. If along the way something's funny, laugh. If along the way something's sad. If you're going to cry. But I'm just here to tell you what happened. I was born on April 1, 1954. And God loves fools and alcoholics, so I doubled up there. I was born to a military hero who was not an alcoholic. My mother was not an alcoholic. Most of my brothers and sisters are not alcoholics. My grandfather was a raging alcoholic. And he worked for Florida Power for 40-something years as a head lineman. So he was allowed to drive the truck home. And he drove home every night. And every night he drove it home, he drove it home drunk. And a quick story that my dad told me was he was driving down Colonial one night, tanked up pretty good, and he was going to outrun the train down here at the railroad tracks. And so he punched it. And unfortunately for him, the train was parked on the railroad tracks. It wasn't moving, and he wasn't able to outrun it. And he ran that truck right into the side of a railroad car. And I thought to myself, I can associate with that. I have driven a car into parked things more than one time in my life. We moved all over the world. I was the commander's brat. And so every time I got in trouble, you know, what was I worrying about? I was just going to get taken to the commander's office, and dad was going to have a talk with me. And I'll tell you what, you know, there were times when he would have a talk with me that I'd rather him take a hammer and just hit me and get it over with because me disappointing him. And I disappointed him for a lot of years, folks. But I was able to make that up to him before he passed away. Like I said, we moved all over the place. And we finally moved to a place in Minnesota. It's called Duluth, Minnesota. And if you have a chance to go there, pass. It's not a nice place. It's really cold there, I want you to know. And that's where I had my first drink. I was 11 years old. It was at my sister's wedding. And at the reception, the colonel said everybody in the family can have one swallow of that little bubbly stuff that comes out of a champagne or comes out of a fountain. They call it champagne, I think. And so we all toasted my sister. I didn't sip it. I gulped it. You know. And something happened. I mean, something happened. And I went, wow. That is something right there. You know. And nobody's paying attention to an 11-year-old boy at a reception. So while they're all talking and doing their thing, I'm going back by that fountain and getting another one. And getting another one. And by the time I had five of them in me, I was spinning around. Julie hates this part, but I tell you anyway. And once I got spinning around, then they noticed me. And they said, well, we better put him in the bed. And they put me in the bed. And I'm holding on the side of the bed. And the bed's spinning around. And pretty soon, my stomach's spinning around. And I don't go into detail about this part. But yeah, I threw up. Got up the next morning and came to the next morning. There's a little man in my head. He had an anvil and a sledgehammer. And he was just pounding away. And I could taste that stale vomit in my mouth. And I want you to know, before I ever met a girl at 11 years old, I was in love. I was in love with alcohol. And that's a sick person. And I was a sick person for a long time. And I want you to know, I truly believe that alcoholism is a disease. And that we that are real alcoholics are sick people trying to get well. We're not bad people trying to get good. We're just trying to get well if we're working the program. And it took a little while for me to realize that part of it. We moved down here in 1966. And I immediately went and tried to find the people that were like me. And most of them were a little bit older than me. But they liked to drink like me and puke like me and do all kinds of wild things like me. So I spent a good part of my youth from the age 13, 14, 15 on a little building up on Michigan Street. They called it the juvenile detention facility. And I didn't really like it there very much. I did learn something there. I had to go to school there. But I learned something from other people there. And that was... Burglary. That's what I learned at juvenile detention. Is how to break into your house, take your stuff so I could get my drink. And I did that for years. And didn't know that you're supposed to wear gloves. I don't know how many people in here. Because I can't remember where I was when I broke into all those places. But if I broke into your house, I'm sorry. You know. I can't remember. I apologize right now if you got broke into something. I was about between 68 and 72. Well, because they already had my fingerprints, they knew where I was. And they came and found me and they arrested me. And took me to jail. I was 17 years old at the time. And, boy, you don't know how much crying, begging, and borrowing, and anything I could do to get my dad to put that bail up to get me out of there. Because I did not want to be in jail. I just didn't like it at all. It was worse than juvenile detention. And he really didn't think he should do it. And I don't think he should have done it either. I wouldn't do it today. But he did. Because my mother, God bless her, talked him into it. And, like I said, I did a lot of damage to them over the years. But that night when they went to bed, I broke into his gun cabinet. I stole the .45 that he carried through three wars. I went over the wall and I took off. Because I wasn't going back to jail. And I moved to California. California is a little more advanced here. They knew about burglars out in California. So, you know, when you were stealing from them, they knew it. And I almost got caught four or five times. But I did catch something out there. I caught hepatitis C. And I spent about nine weeks to six months, I can't even remember how much time I spent there, trying to recover from that in a military hospital. And I didn't know it at the time. But because I was a military brat and had an ID card and was wanted, that if you walked into any PX in the United States of America, it's like walking into the post office. There's a wanted poster right there with my picture on it. And somehow or another, a friend of mine broke into it one day and I've got it at the house. I want to remember that. You know, I don't want to forget the past. You know, I don't want to regret the past. Because that's all I got to give to people right now is what happened. Like I said, I moved all over the place. A friend of mine was having a party back here. I decided to fly back for the party. The police knew the party was going to be happening. And they kind of had somebody there. They kind of had somebody that knew that I was going to be there. And sure enough, they showed up. And this is, I didn't tell you the first time around. There was a police officer that knew me real well. He was the one taking me down to juvenile detention all the time. Maitland police officer, we called him Butch Doyle. He recently retired as the chief of police of the Maitland Police Department. His name was Ed Doyle. And I know I'm only supposed to talk about alcohol. The time that I grew up, drugs were prevalent. But Bill Oakley said one time that you can't chase two rabbits with one dog. This is Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm going to focus on alcoholism. But I did do every other drug in the world. And I had done some, I don't know if you all know what phenocyclodine is. But it's called PCP on the street. And it's animal tranquilizers. And I had gotten drunk that night and decided I wanted to be crazy and drunk. So I went ahead and took some of those. And I traded some of them to the guy who owned the house for us, 38. And I thought we were getting ripped off by a bunch of drug addicts. And there's a guy at the bottom of the staircase pointing a gun at me. Saying drop it. And I swear it lasted 10 minutes with me pointing my gun down at him saying drop it. And he was pointing his up at me. And it probably didn't last 30 seconds before I dropped mine. And you know people, if that happened today, you know he doesn't even have to say drop it. He just has to shoot me. But he apparently recognized me and knew that I probably wasn't going to pull the trigger. And that's why I'm alive today. I believe that from that day. They took me back to jail. And I'm 18 now. And I go before a judge. And I've never raped anybody. I've never shot anybody. I don't know if the way I was going that wouldn't have happened. And the judge looked at my record and all the things I was being charged with. And he says I'm sentencing you to 52 years in the state penitentiary in Rayford, Florida. And I'm 18 years old. And I don't know how many people in this room know what Rayford is. But at 18 you going up there, you're not coming back the same person. I can guarantee it. You're not coming back at all maybe. And so for two weeks I sat in an isolation cell because once again I had another round of hepatitis. And if I can remember I'll tell you how I don't have hepatitis today. And that's a miracle of this program. Because you don't get rid of hepatitis. But after two weeks the only book I had in that isolation cell was a Bible. And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. And in two weeks the judge called me back in. And that is for the first time I absolutely knew for a fact. There is God in this world. And he's looking over me. Because the judge said instead of sending you up there I think you have some potential. I'm going to send you 18 months to the prison farm. And that's where he sent me. And let me tell you that was the worst. 11 months because I got gang time that I could ever remember. Other than the day I walked in here and said I can't quit drinking. And it took a while before I could. Uh. If you've seen the movie Cool Hand Luke that's not a joke. That's what they do. Climb up to sundown six days a week. You climb in the back of the truck at dark. You don't come back until it's dark. And now a days you drive down the interstate and you see the prisoners with these weed eaters and all these blowers. Not 1972. They had swing blades or geyser blades whatever you want to call them. And you sat in that ditch. And you didn't move from your spot without saying moving up boss. I mean it was true. You didn't move. They had two guys at each end with shotguns and they had no problem killing you. And the only reason Captain Fitz quit is because they got a little liberal. They took the chains off of us. You didn't have to wear chains. They were still going to shoot you if you tried to run. But you didn't have to wear chains anymore. And uh. I hated it. I mean it was horrible for me. I'm coming out of isolation, hepatitis. I'm out there. I'm falling out. I'm having to be put under the truck every day because I can't handle the heat. And I kind of uh. She's a progression. You know. If you become a trustee on a chain gang nobody likes you. Nobody likes you at all. But I didn't care. You know I didn't want to be swinging the blade. I wanted to be sharpening the blade. Because that was a lot easier. So I became a trustee. And I started sharpening the blades. And then people uh. Were leaving. And the kitchen. And so I was able to get inside the building. And then people were leaving from cooking jobs. Because most of them were short termers out there. I became a cook. And one of the things that I knew how to make before I got there was uh. Something that some prisoners know. It's called buck. And uh. I had keys to walk around that building. And I walked around that building at night with nobody shopping me. And in a kitchen where you're feeding 150 people. You're cooking your own food all the time. And you've got yeast. And you've got sugar. And you've got syrup. And you've got. You've got everything you need folks. Put it in a can. And put it on a top shelf. Let it sit there for a while. And we used rotten grapefruit for the night. And we used. We used. Rotten grapefruit for the filler part of it. So this was not something that you really wanted to drink. But uh. After a couple weeks you strained it through a sock. And um. Hold your nose. You swallow that stuff. You could get intoxicated. And that's. That's sick man. That's sick. And I sold it for 50 cent a night. Or 50 cent a cup every night when I made my rounds with the sandwiches. And other people said that's sick. Can I have another cup? And they were alcoholics too. Um. I'm not great on drunk loads. But. I'm not great on drugs. Um. You know. I got out of there. Um. Did my probation. Uh. Moved to a little town in Mississippi in 1978. And met my ex-wife. And through counseling when we were getting a divorce 21 years later. Um. You know it was the first time I found out that we didn't date. Like people date. We didn't go to the movies. We didn't go out to dinner. We didn't. We didn't date. We took a bunch of pills. Drank. Went in the bedroom. Took off our clothes. And that was it. That was our date. My first date was. Getting drunk and getting naked. Yee haw. You know. Sorry. It's true. And um. She was not an alcoholic. And she's not an alcoholic today. But she stayed with us for 21 years. And God bless her for that. Because at the end she was trying to get me help. I didn't want any help. I wasn't an alcoholic. I was not an alcoholic. I did not believe it. I did not get up in the morning and have to have a drink. I got off at 5 o'clock. And had to have a drink. I got off at 5 o'clock. And had to have a drink. I was drunk. I was drunk. I was drunk. I was drunk. I was drunk. I was drunk. I was drunk. I was drunk. And I had to have a drink. And I had to have a drink until I got drunk. Because I never had one drink. I just never had that capability of taking one drink. One drink was back like a champagne. Pow. Now I want the wild that goes with it. Just keep feeding me until I'm throwing up. Puking. Whatever. So we went along for a long time. We had some good times. I gotta admit. There were some good times in there. Um. To a blank. Never mind. Um. I know there was some good times. And I know there's a good time. And I know this is for the good. But. There's a good time. There's a good time. Let me just say. I had a good time. Never mind. I know there had to have been some good times. In 1994, after losing three babies, she was able to carry a baby to almost full term. And I have a little son named Forrest. He's 11 right now. He knows I'm speaking here tonight. He knows he doesn't get to get a copy of this tape until he's 15 years old because I sure don't want him to know all the things I did. And I did a lot more than what I'm telling you. I'm doing a mini fifth step right here. I'm not doing a full-fledged one. I want you to know that. There's one man in here that knows my full-fledged one, and he ain't going to get up here and tell you that either. But we were starting to have some arguments, fights, and I was starting to drink more. I was really starting to drink more. And at that time, my sister had multiple myeloma. That was a bone marrow disease. And she had painkillers around, percadam. And I had some back trouble when I was young. And so she said, well, take some of my percadam, you know, if it helps your back. And I said, I appreciate it. So I did. And, yeah, this gets sick here, boys. One night, I don't know if it's ever happened to anybody in this room. I don't think it has. It might have. But if you take some sedatives and you put a lot of alcohol on it, sometimes about 2 o'clock in the morning your bladder says get up and your brain doesn't hear it. Well, I woke up to a screaming maniac woman screaming at me, you pissed all over me, you pissed all over me. I'm sorry. You know, I've been together 18 years, that ain't never happened. And I've done a lot of drugs and alcohol together with people, you know. And I just never didn't know that I was progressing is what I was doing. I was progressing in my disease. So the next day to make her happy, I went out and bought a brand new $250 mattress. This girl is smart. She went out and spent 20 bucks on a plastic bag. She went out and bought a plastic mattress cover. How would you do that for her? That's a fluke. I mean, 18 years at one time, that's a fluke. It's never going to happen again. A couple of weeks later I had been doing some yard work and my back was hurting me. And, you know, I really didn't think it was going to happen again because I knew that was just a fluke. And I took a couple of Percodans and I drank a little bit. And... About 2 o'clock in the morning this woman screaming at me and saying, You've done it again. And I went, geez. At least I don't have to pay $250 for a mattress. I can just pine saw and clean this thing up. And, you know, we went on for a while. And, you know, that was never going to happen again. This was not in my plan. And it's going to take me longer than, you know, a quarter, a half after, but not much. A couple of weeks after that, I had been doing some yard work and my back was hurting me. And I did not plan. I told myself, I do not plan on drinking tonight because that's what's making this happen. And I took a couple of Percodans and I was not going to have a drink that night. You know, I drank every night. I really just in my mind, my plan was not to have a drink. I guess it was Saturday night. Some friends called up, wanted to come over and watch the football game. In comes the beer. In comes the bottle. And I was not planning on drinking. I just did. I'm an alcoholic. And I fluked again that night, folks. And she knew something about baseball and three flukes and you're out. And that was my bed. I wasn't leaving. So she moved into another room. And our life went down, just went out of the world. She came to me one day and she said she wanted a divorce. Apparently I had been drinking. And I said, fine, because your bitch is interfering with my drinking. I'll give you a divorce and I'll write down anything you want. Just get out of my life. Well, when people come in here, and I don't mean to be a smartass with people, but when people come in here and they say, I've lost everything. You know, I've lost everything. I tell them I've got a pickup truck in the parking lot. If you can remember where you lost it, let's go find it and we'll get it back. And I say that for a reason because I didn't lose anything in my life. I gave it away for alcohol. I gave it away. I gave away the only thing that I cared about more than anything. My son. I gave him away so I could stay drunk. Well, lo and behold, I didn't know that she was going to go tell my father and my stepmother about this and I stopped by the house on the way home. And my stepmother, who I knew worked for Hillsborough County Court System for 25 years, I just never asked her what she did. And she was the lady that the judge sent the DUI drivers to just figure out how many meetings they needed to go get this piece of paper signed at AA. You know, small world. And she looked at me and said, you need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and your wife needs to go to Al-Anon. And my wife said, I don't have a problem. And I said, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not going to AA. And I wasn't an alcoholic then. I didn't think so. Something strange happened. A friend of mine who was younger than me got tough love out of his house. They told him, don't come home with you drunk again. And he parked on the back of a dirt road in Volusia County. And he set the car on fire and he committed suicide. And they found the car the next day. His sister did. And there wasn't nothing there but a chunk of metal. And I went to his funeral. And there was an Irish Catholic priest up there with a big red nose. I always remember that. And I swear he had been drinking, but he probably hadn't. I just assumed he was. But I became so overcome at that funeral. It was just so terrible. But I said I'd come to one AA meeting. I made a promise to God at that funeral. I would come to one AA meeting. And to tell you drunks that if you didn't quit drinking, you know, you probably were going to commit suicide and kill yourself. And you got to understand, I'm pretty sick at this time, folks. Because I walk into the room and there's somebody there with 25 years sobriety. And you all weren't wearing trench coats and smelling like stinky alcohol. You know? Who are you? Everybody. From all walks of life. But it didn't matter. We came to a meeting. I burst out crying in the little house next door. They used to have a pole a little bit bigger than that. I was hiding behind that. But a guy named Gator Bob was cheering. And if you stick around here long enough, you know how about chair people. They can kind of steer it around. And he knew I had something to say. And I burst out in tears. And I said it. And I left. And a guy named Ken, who has passed away sober, chased me out of the meeting. I walked right up the street here. And he stalked me. He physically stalked me down the street. I'm not kidding you. He stalked me. I mean, he was like 90 miles an hour. I know how you're feeling. I know what you're thinking. I know. And he just went wild at me. And I finally turned to him. And I said, look, you know, I'm going to have you arrested if you don't leave me alone. And he said, look, just come back tomorrow. You know? Just come back. And I don't know why I did. I wasn't planning on coming back. But when noon rolled around the next day, I walked in the door. He came to me. I burst out in tears and said, I can't quit drinking. And I did that for 27 days. And you all put up with me. And he just kept saying, keep coming back. Maybe try to get a sponsor and work the steps. I didn't hear that part then. I just heard keep coming back. So I did. Old man Leo, some of you know him. Crusty old man. What a wonderful person he was. It was a Friday. I burst out in tears. I can't quit drinking. You know, he was tired of hearing it. And he pulled me aside after the meeting. And he said, do me a favor. Just go home and drink a bottle of arsenic and get it over with. I'm tired of you bragging how you can drink. You know? And you want to talk about a resentment? I mean, I got mad at that old man. He didn't know crap about me. But here he was telling me to go kill myself. And for the first time in 30 years, I went home and I did not drink and I did not have a drug. And I came back the next day and I picked up a white chip. And I started the road to recovery. And I didn't start it right. But I started it. And I did. Mainly because they said get a sponsor. I said, okay, I got one. And about every 60 days, 90 days, every six months, that sponsor and I decided, let's go have a drink. Well, if you don't know who my sponsor was, it was Jim. And a sick man trying to treat a sick man is not going to get anybody well. And for almost four-plus years, I would come in and out of these rooms, my head in my hands crying. You know, I'm just not getting it. And you people kept saying, get a sponsor. You people kept saying, keep coming back. And God bless everyone of you for that. I got talked into coming to a speaker meeting one night. It was in the old house next door. Some of you remember it. There used to be this little side wall there where you couldn't see the speaker, but you could hear him. And a guy named Dan, some of us knew him as Chicken because he looked like Colonel Sanders. But Dan brought me to that meeting. And Dan sat behind the wall. And I sat where I could see the speaker. And all Dan could see was me doing this. Yeah, I drink Schlitzball liquor. Yeah, I had this problem. I was that bobble-headed doll in the back of the car because everything that speaker was saying, I was bobbling my head. And after the meeting, Dan said, you know, that guy might be a good sponsor for you. And there was like 20 people around this guy. And they're all telling him, hey, we really appreciate what you said. And I said, Dan, I'll get with you later on because I wasn't really looking for a sponsor. And I was planning my next drunk. And I had just picked up a nine-month chip that day. In all honesty, I had gone nine months for the first time. And Dan said, no, really, just shake his hand. And boy, I always tell it because this is true. Dan was like Moses in the Red Sea. He just walked through the middle of all those people around him and just split them apart. He walked up to a guy named Joe and said, hey, Joe, this is my friend Jim. I think he needs a sponsor. And I was forced. You know, I had to reach out and say, hey, Joe. I had to reach out and say, hey, what you were talking about was my story. Will you sponsor me? And he goes, well, I don't know. Are you done? And I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm done. So I took out my business card. And on the back side, on the white part of it, I wrote down my phone number. And I handed it to Joe. And I said, hey, call me Monday if you want to sponsor me. Well, Joe, having a few years of sobriety, he took out his business card. And on the back side, he wrote down his phone number. And he said, call me Monday if you want me to sponsor you. We turned over those two business cards, folks. And we worked for the same company, Divisions. That's the guy's on it. I brought a witness. That right there just told me this guy was for me. And I want to say that I didn't drink after that. But I did. On Sunday, I decided that I had nine months of sobriety. I could take a drink. I could buy one ounce of alcohol. I could drink it. And I would be okay. And you've seen them. They're called shooters. They're one ounces. I bought a half gallon because I'm having one drink. And on Sunday night, I had one drink. And on Monday morning, I woke up. I came to with my face plastered to the tile floor in my kitchen. And half that half gallon was gone. And I said, what the hell is going on? I wasn't at the bar pounding on it. I was on the kitchen floor. And I really knew what Joe was going to tell me. Because he had already said, if you're not done drinking, I don't have time for you. I've got to move on to somebody else who's serious. And I called Joe. And I guess he could hear the desperation in my voice. And he said, Jim, pour out the rest of the alcohol. Go to your new meeting. Pick up a white chip. And in case I'm not around, get four or five names of people and their phone numbers. And that's how many people stood up and came to me and signed my book that day. And I thank God for every one of you. And I thank God for my sponsor because he's put up with an awful lot. We started working the steps right away. He knew that, you know, don't give Jim a chance. Because if he's thinking, he's going back to thinking he can have a drink. And so we met at this barbecue place up on Michigan. And we did the first, second, and third step in about two hours and a lot of barbecue. And I didn't know what to do. And I didn't have much money at the time because I was paying child support and trying to get my life back together. And so he was buying me lunch. And that was kind of nice. And I was adamantly, you know, I was powerless over alcohol. I had proved it. And how are you managing your life? I'm not doing a very good job. And he said, well, do you think God can restore your sanity? And by this time, I'd heard it enough. You know, I never thought I was crazy. You know, for four and a half years, if you keep doing the same thing, and you think it's going to change, that's a definition of insanity. I was crazy. I believe God could restore me. And he said, are you willing to make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him? And I said, absolutely, because I can't run my life. And I believe in God. And if I offend anybody by God tonight, too bad he's up there four times and he's in the book a bunch. So I'm going to talk about God. And it's my God, not yours maybe. Wow. Wow. So we did the first three steps. And he didn't give me much of a chance. He said, start working on that fourth step. And the next week, we met at the barbecue place, and we were going to do the fourth and fifth step. And I did the fourth step to the best of my ability and did it by the book. And he said, is that all? And I was like, yeah, that's all. And he goes, is there anybody missing from the fourth step? And I was like, I can't think of anybody. And he said, I didn't see your name up there anywhere. And so right there at that table, we redid that. I put my name in that column. And I said, yeah, I resented myself. And here's why. Yeah, here's my fear. And here's my anger. And here's this. And so then we got to a real fourth step and a fifth step because I admitted God to myself and another human being of my exact natures. And I was just a sick person. And he was trying to help me get well. And we got to six and seven about a week later at the barbecue place. And I figured it out then. I didn't know if he was really trying to help me. Or he just liked barbecue. Because we'd been at that same barbecue place every week for quite a while while we worked through those steps. And, you know, the first time I did the steps with my other sponsor, when I did nine, I probably did not do it properly with my ex-wife. Because when I called her up drunk and said, well, I'm sorry, you stupid. That wasn't the way my sponsor taught me how to do it. And I'm going to tell you right now. If there's anybody new in here, that's who I'm talking to. I'm not talking to the long timers even though you're here. But I'm talking to newcomers. Before you do your ninth step, make sure you're working with a sponsor for the first eight. Because, you know, once you get to eight and you list all those people that you need to make amends to, your sponsor might say, you might leave that one off. Excuse me. Or you might not need to do that one in person. Maybe you can write them a letter. And that's the way I did those. And I will tell you, there was one person I could not face. And I wrote him a letter. And it was right before he died. His name was Jack Eckert. And I told him how sorry I was for all the times I broke into all the Eckert's drugstores. Just kidding. I was a burglar. I went into the drugstores. I got the drugs. I sold them. I got my booze. And I was a happy puppy, you know. But I couldn't go face him because he had helped so many thousands of recovering children that I couldn't go and just, I wouldn't have made it. But I wrote him a letter. And it didn't come back. So I'm pretty sure he got it. And I did sign it, Jim. He didn't know who the hell I was. After that, and after I made the amends the proper way to everybody, 10, 11, and 12 were kind of easy. 10 is looking back at my day each night. You know, I started off on my knees today. And I tell people I can't bend over and pick up a pencil without getting a backache. But I got no problems getting on my knees twice a day. And I have no problem at all. For some reason, God lets me have a back up each time. And I, if I offend anybody, I try not to to the best of my ability. I really try not to. Like I said, I'm a redneck. I have some bad humor sometimes. And you might not like what I say. And if I offend you, you know, come up afterwards and I'll apologize so we'll be done with it and just move on. I do take an inventory every night. And I do thank God for another day. Surprise. I do take a variety. Because that's all he's given me is one day at a time. There will be an alcoholic that does not wake up tomorrow morning, people. And I know that for a fact. And there's possibly an alcoholic that will wake up tomorrow morning in jail that will have killed somebody. And that's something they'll have to live with the rest of their life. I don't plan on being that person. Because I don't plan on picking up that first drink. People say that first drink will get you drunk. I never believed it. Well, if I don't pick up the first drink, I'm not going to pee on anybody either. So, you know, that's... I won't fluke out. Truly. Eleven is a real good one. Because you've got to listen. You know, prayer is asking. Meditation is listening. And that's just for me. That's my experience. And so I have quiet time each day. And sometimes in traffic I have quiet time right after I've flipped somebody off. And I have to go back and say, I didn't mean to do that. You were more in a hurry than I was. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. And I don't do that very often anymore. I really don't. There are things that I'll say here other than my story. Nothing you're going to hear here is original for me. It's things I've learned in the room. And one of the things is that I was worrying about other people too much. And I wasn't worrying about Jim enough. And somebody pulled me aside one day and said, you know what? Just do the hula hoop philosophy. I'm like, what are you talking about? He said, take an invisible hula hoop and put it over you. And drop it down to the ground. And everything inside that hula hoop is yours and God's. And everything outside that hula hoop ain't none of your business. And you know what? I quit worrying about an awful lot of people. I still care about them. But I don't try to get in their lives. I don't try to find out their last name. You know? I'll let my son get in the hula hoop with me. I'll let a sponsee stand next to the hula hoop with me. But he's not allowed to get in mine. He's got to have his own. You know? And I do, you know, do have a little humor because I've heard it in the rooms and I wanted to hear it. For anybody new, you know, because I didn't hear it for a while. All I heard was my whining and crying. But this place is full of laughter. It really is. But this place is also the emergency room for alcoholics. It is. Because if you were an alcoholic like me and you didn't find somebody that was willing to work with you, you're going to die. And you may not die tomorrow. You may not die today. It may take you 20 years of dying slowly. Because I have watched people in these rooms die slowly of alcoholism because they wouldn't work the steps and they wouldn't work with others. And one of them was a guy that's 32 years old named Alan. And I went back to my office and I was devastated that Alan died. And so was one of my co-workers because that was his son. And I never knew Alan's last name. Or maybe I'd have reached out my hand a little bit harder. It wasn't up to me. It was up to God. I buried eight of my friends that I drank with. They never found their way into these rooms. I've only got a couple of friends on the outside of these rooms right now that will still associate with me. All the rest of them are afraid they're going to catch my disease like I'm a leper or something, you know. And I have no problem telling them, if you ever want a hand, I'll give you a hand. The hand of AA was there when I reached out. And I want it to be there for anybody else. And so if there's one thing I can leave, and I'm not leaving yet, but, you know, make sure that hand's available for that desperate alcoholic that reaches out and says, I'm going to die if I don't get help. You know, there's a lot of people that go to the emergency room. And I'll tell you, I'm an EMT, so I've been in the emergency room many times. And they detox there and they leave and they go back and they get drunk again. And the next week they come in on a gurney. And I've seen it. You know, but this is the emergency room for alcoholics. This is where you come after the emergency room or after detox or after treatment. This is where you don't go to a 30-day program and say, hey, I'm cured. You know, you come in here. And this is my home group. And to be able to speak in front of my home group is a thrill, is a privilege, and it's very humbling. It really is. It brings me back to having to come back and say, you know what, I didn't do it the right way for four and a half years. And I kept getting drunk. And I also know that if I reached out on that Monday and Joe didn't say, okay, I'll help you, I'd have never come back. And I wouldn't be here today. I'd have killed myself. That's strength. Let's go to hope. People in Alcoholics Anonymous hand out hope like it's candy at Christmas if you reach out. If you reach your hand out and say, I need help, they will give you hope. I'm going to give you a better way of life. I have a fantastic life today. I did not when I came in here. I have a fantastic life. I get to see my son any time I want. I get him Christmas, Thanksgiving, spring break, during the summers. We go on cruises. We do all kinds of fun things together. We hunt together. And he's got a wonderful stepfather. You know, I couldn't have picked a stepfather for him that would have been better. I didn't know that she was online at night in chat rooms looking for our new husband. Thank God she found her best friend's ex-husband who wound up being a really nice guy and does a good job raising my son. And I've told him before, thanks. And the first time when I was still drinking, I went out there. I had an attorney in that town. And I went to him and I said, I want to know the worst crackhead you got here because I'm going to hire him. I was going to hire him to go out and kill her. And he told me, get the hell out of my office. And I was like, man, you represent the scum. Just give me one scum's name and I'll go pay him. And he says, get the hell out of my office. I don't want anything to do with you. And I'm really glad that God was there that day. Because after I got sober, and I've been sober about three years, I went to Mississippi. And I went deer hunting with my son and his stepfather and his mother. And there was four people in that truck. And there was four loaded guns in that truck. And nobody got hurt. We didn't even kill a deer that day. Which is kind of sad. Because I was hunting. I'm not kind of like venison type thing. I'm sorry if that grosses somebody out. That's the way it is. This room is full of hope. I mean, it's just full of hope. Hope for a better way of life. Hope for recovering from a hopeless state of body and mind. I hope I didn't keep anybody from anything. And I hope you all keep coming back. Because that's the way it works. You keep coming back. You get a sponsor. You work the steps. And then when somebody says, you know, I've been coming around here about 30 days. And I've heard you speak. And I want what you have. Will you sponsor me? You don't say no. You say welcome. And please keep coming back. And start reading the doctor's opinion. Because right there it says, men and women drink essentially because they like the effect of alcohol produced on them. Doesn't say they like the flavor. Says they like the effect. And then more about alcoholism. It says that men and women, we have men and women who have lost our ability to control our drinking. I never had the ability to control my drinking. But some people did. And then they lost it. You know, I'm the guy that got my legs cut off. I don't grow new ones. You know? If I don't come here every day that I can and look for a new alcoholic or look for an old alcoholic. And just because they have problems. You know, people with 20 years. Do not tell me that every day is a bed of roses. They do tell me I'm not sleeping in the thorns. You know? It's not rosy out there every day. But if you don't pick up a drink, you'll get through it. If you pick up a drink, I don't know what's going to happen to you. I know what will happen to me. I won't come back. You won't see me anymore. I hope I haven't offended anybody. I always say that. And I hope that one person in this room. I don't care who it is. One person in this room heard what I said. That a sick person can't sponsor a sick person and make a well person. You've got to reach out to somebody who has what you want. And then do what they say. You know, I kept wanting to tell my sponsor, but you don't understand. And he would just smile and say, you don't want to take that word, but out of your vocabulary. Because I understand everything. I was there. And here's how we're going to do it. And that's how we've been doing it. Since February 18, 2002. And amazing things are happening in my life every day. I see people in here. I see you at noon every day. I'm glad to see you here tonight. I appreciate the support. I can't say enough about the place. There's not enough time. And I'll just end with this. I hope that everybody goes home tonight. And thanks God for another day of sobriety. Because that's all you're promised, people, is one day. If you wake up tomorrow morning and you're sucking air and pumping blood, you better get on your knees and say, thank you, God. Keep me away from that first drink. And if you make it through the day and nobody's running you over like a bus driver or something like that, you go ahead and say, thank you, God. Did I do anything wrong? What do I got to fix? And if you do those simple things, you can stay sober. And you can have a living, loving, productive life. And I have it today. I have the greatest friends in the world. They're sitting in this room right now. And Mary wants me to get the heck out of here. So I'm just going to tell you that I wish all of you good luck on your journey. This book is a blueprint for success in life. And God bless you all. I hope you have a good night. Thanks.