The Fear Inventory – Sponsorship Workshop – 2024 – Part 9 of 16 – Ali H.

thank you mickey hi everybody my name is ali i'm a grateful alcoholic i like that uh the adjective fantastic but but i would attribute that more to this beautiful fantastic program and that fantastic fellowship and a fantastic loving god that that we all get to tap into in our own way thank you so much for being here for those that that continues to stay with us um appreciate your time as always i appreciate the team i appreciate you guys this wouldn't happen without you guys despair put on i guess all of our hearts to join together and try to seek a little bit deeper in my experience either god is everything or else he's nothing you know so if god is everything if i've taken that huge spiritual assignment on then i'm going to try to look at this life in the third dimension as if god is everything then everything is a message and everyone's a messenger nothing's personal everything is the message and everyone's a messenger so if we could please get uh one of you messengers who's on your heart to lead us in with uh your own version of the set aside prayer to please put up a electronic hand and lead us in whoever is moved to do the set aside prayer for us any version that you want there we go tuesday first tuesday thank you god please set aside everything i think i know about myself and what will keep me sober so i can have an open mind and a new experience with everything especially you god amen thank you tuesday okay here we go okay so kristin if i could please ask you that moving from now um just share only only whatever you think you need to share from what we're talking about in terms of highlight this and highlight that if you want to share that but just please share the directions of today's session and just the inventory sheets. I want them to be up there a few times for people. So Kristen is gonna be kind enough to share the link to the, or Kuna. Kuna is gonna do inventory sheets, right? You guys can just click on it and download it on your laptop. And then if you haven't gotten last week's inventory sheets we sent it an email, we put in the chat for the resentment inventory. You can just follow the directions make one yourself in a notebook right but if you need that we'll resend it to you and kuna's going to repost it here okay so that's one um and then also um not to worry if you haven't been able to write the directions like you know what we did first session second session so you can sort of duplicate that because especially at the beginning we jumped around a little bit don't worry at all this week for sure uh following this workshop next couple days i'm gonna send you the directions the table of contents are the entire thing okay so so you guys can have it you can print it off for yourself and you can just uh you can have this so please don't worry about that all right um so fear inventory evil and corroding threat okay let's start notice that the word fear we're on page 67 the last paragraph is where the fear inventory begins page 67 last paragraph up is where the fear inventory begins. Notice that the word fear, please circle with pen fear. I'm excited about this. I like fear inventories. Notice that the words fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer and the wife. That's an example that he was previously. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives please grab the yellow highlighter or whatever highlighter you attribute important statement to highlight from here too let's it was an evil and corroding threat the fabric of our existence was shot through with it continue highlighting yellow it's that emotion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve period continuing yellow last sentence what didn't we ourselves set the ball rolling that's all indiana very important okay so soon i'm gonna ask for some hands from some of you messengers to please share your experience again and when we share just a reminder not a general share not when i came in laser like 30 seconds okay so it was an evil and corroding threat fear in my life has been like uh like it eats away at the fiber of my existence it's destroyed everything in my Life if you notice the last thing that they asked us to take a look at um well in a fourth column right is where was I frightened right underneath as we talked about last week I believe it was underneath every resentment fueling and underlying resentment there's a fear. There's a concern that I have that I'm not going to get my way. Either I'm going to lose something I have or not get something that I want. If I didn't have that concern or fear, I wouldn't be resentful. I wouldn'T care. There'S some kind of deep-seated self-centeredness inside of me. We saw it a couple of sessions ago, right? The root cause in my trouble is a self-centeredness deep seated self-centred fear inside of me it's setting this fear if this fear sets in motion trains of circumstances which brings me misfortune which I didn't think I deserve it's like a domino effect trains of circumstance that's how I think about it but didn't we ourselves set the ball rolling okay so in the example of my dad that I shared with you guys that I had a resentment that came up I don't know if you remember if were here so him and my my mom were going at i went for a visit i saw him punch my mom in the shoulder i saw red spirituality went out the window i went and punched them in the chest and then i yelled and screamed it was just a mess right so that one so one of the fears that came out of the inventory i wrote was that him never getting better and so him always being a burden on us and then the other fear was hit him never getting better than always being tortured by his mind right that's a fear that i have him always being a burden on us and never getting better those two fears so when i look at that honestly where did i set the ball rolling in this in the in that instance right where did i set up all rolling in that is this he was just being who he was acting from fear without a solution tortured mind torture tortured life right i went in i i i went and i saw him punch my mom he didn't really hurt her like that you know what i mean i just i just grabbed as an excuse and i just tried to go off on him i punched him in the chest i started to yell and scream at him and we just left them and i just left it's like i threw gasoline on him and i dosed him up with gasoline i set him on fire we just laughed for about a month i took my mom away didn't contact him i'm the one who set up the ball and rolling in motion trains the circumstances and after i'm pissed off at him how could he do this to me now i can go back even further to see where i set the ball rolling but before that i was fine you know what i mean i was peaceful with him and i were good right like in every situation every single relationship i got into that my relationship never worked out by the way this this this marriage has been a work in progress and i've grown up as a man in this marriage with god and you guys okay so every single relationship if i'm honest with myself i'm the one who set the ball rolling fear of being alone fear of not being good enough not being loved get into relationships with people that are broken like me ignore the red flags try to suck the life out of them give me attention give me love give me approval make me feel okay not a concern about how they're feeling their wounds what what's going to happen in their lives i'm the one who set the ball rolling and then i blame her trains of circumstances but then did i myself start the ball running now if i'm honest with myself i can see that it's a very freeing experience i don't have to see right now this inventory process resentment sphere sex inventory reading it to a sponsor someone i trust taking it to a sixth and seventh, just freeze me of that. Just freeze me, freeze me with that so I can breathe. All right, so sometimes, okay, set the ball rolling. There's a question mark in there. There's an answer. There is a question. There are questions. There is a problem. There is a question mark in there. Just please put a why somewhere there. If you can relate to that. Evil encoding threat, trains and circumstances, that's what the fear does. I take fear based actions that never work out. Never work out. sometimes i'm sure that maybe you guys you know i'm a little bit at fault but i think that you're more to blame right never works out so if you could please on the right margin just write long ways like turn the book left uh turn the books counterclockwise so the right margin is facing you just covering the fear inventory paragraph please write fear inventory So we know that's where the fear inventory instructions begin. Fear inventory. Sometimes, continue reading. Sometimes, the next page, we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. Okay, perfect. So this is what, please, if I can get some hands, okay? So what was in the yellow, what was on the yellow with the question mark? Just clear cut 30 seconds, very succinct your experience with that, okay, past or present, doesn't matter, okay. And while you guys are allowing spirit to move you and to see what you're going to share, I'll just share on this. We fear not to be classed with stealing, it seems to cause more trouble that way. Fear not to class with stealing because it steals away from me everything worthwhile in life fear robs me of relationships of peace of mind of joy of opportunity of everything good in life not only me but it robs everyone around me as well everyone who touches my life is engulfed i'm talking sobriety now sometimes eh i'm telling sobriery now okay so perfect Sandra come on up please on the yellow your experience yes I'm Sandra I'm an alcoholic um the part about an evil and corroding thread the fabric of our lives was shot through with it I realized at some point that there's a fabric like called shot silk and there may be other things that are shot something and they've got you know some threads are going this way and then a different thread is going that way like a shiny thread and when you turn it, it looks different and so I'm saying that when fear is in a situation for me it looks difference so I have to find a way to look at it from a different angle beautiful thank you Sandra thank you sandra perfect beautiful so lana a specific example in your life this fear did this to me that's how i can relate to this okay let's go hi i'm lan i'm an alcoholic um i for specific examples i remember doing my fear inventory and um being fearful of rejection and abandonment and all of this and um i think it's really pertinent that it you know it says didn't we sets the ball rolling and it brings back thoughts back to the third step being the actor trying to control everything because my fear is absolutely myself will and so every time i felt insecure and scared then i would try to grasp somebody tighter to make them love me harder and uh and and force them to do what i needed to reassure me and i was lacking the reassurance that i needed which was from my higher power um and by the end of my fear inventory everything was like i'm being silly this is all in god's hands and it was really a powerful experience so thank you for letting me share thank you so much okay who know who's next michelle there we go michelle hi come on hi i'm an alcoholic uh fear paralyzed me it just totally paralyzed me my whole life growing up and um so therefore i was afraid i was full of fear to have anybody i had walls up that nobody could penetrate me or i was not going to love them because they were going to abandon me and when i got into recovery i opened myself up even though i was married i opened myself up and i found out what my higher power took away that fear because i literally lived in fear constantly and allowing god in allowed me to love so that's that's what fear means to me thank you michelle thank you very much so vinay please come on up please hi i am an alcoholic um you know growing up i had a very very strong dependence on my mother you know absolutely like dependent and that might have been fine until the age of 15 or so but i never grew out of it and when i got married i transferred that dependence on to my wife something she was completely ill-equipped to and not you know couldn't do and and that caused so much fear and resentment in me towards her because my expectations were not being met uh that fear really destroyed the first i think 10 or 12 years i don't know how we survived it but i'm over that now thank you beautiful venet thank you so much thank you everybody so i'm gonna ask if you can now for the next few hands only if only if you move to it comes to you i want to hear some current ones today there i have this fear and and and this what is doing to me okay so this is this is how it's uh uh this is house setting the ball rolling this how it's uh stealing things away from me if you can if you have it keith and come on up please thanks everybody keep an alcoholic uh so i won't say i don't know if it's today but it's very recent uh about two weeks ago i quit a job and uh the fear in quitting that job was of course the the the financial stability and the the you know just the the assurance and like the safety uh but for months leading up to it uh i wasn't my passion wasn't there my heart wasn't fair i didn't believe in the mission and and i was really like driving myself insane by wanting to leave but afraid to leave because i just you know fear of what could possibly go wrong in the financial world and what i'll look like to this boss who gave me the job and don't want to face and have that tough conversation so fear caused me to stay in this position much longer than i would have liked to and uh and finally through prayer and inventory because i did write a recent inventory on it and uh that allowed me to access the courage to go ahead and leave but it was a painful last few months thank you brother appreciate you okay so let's let's pause on the sharing but please keep your hands up because i want to i'm going to come back to everybody that has their hands up thank you keith and so when i say today i mean these days right the most recent fears like these days beautiful thank you so much okay let's go back to the big book please keep Your Hands Up I Want To Come Back To You top of page 68 we reviewed our fears thoroughly we put them on paper even though had no resentment in connection with them okay highlighting yellow we asked ourselves why we had them continuing yellow wasn't it because self-reliance failed us that's in yellow so what we're going to do today i don't know how i don' know how the spirit is going to move but i think it's best to go through the next three paragraphs and come back and and then go to the fear inventory sheets and try to try to explain the sheets i think that That would be the best way to go about it. So we put them on paper, right? So where I get my fear inventory fears from is from the fourth column of every single resentment inventory. There's at least one or more fears there, right, so that's where I got the list. And then after that – well, I'll repeat this after. Everybody here, almost everybody knows. And then afterwards, I sit in prayer and I ask God to show me if there's any other fears that didn't show up on that resentment inventory I want a comprehensive list of current fears. Not when I was a kid, but I'm no longer afraid of that. Current fears. What's more prevalent for me? I get the list from the fourth column of every single resentment inventory that I've written today, like today at this workshop, let's say, right? I add it to that. I don't duplicate. So if it's five different fears of financial insecurity, I just put fear of financial security one time, right, and then I pray and I see what are the fears are still prevalent in my life these days. that didn't make that list. That's how I make that, okay? And then it says, we asked ourselves why we had them, that's in yellow and again in yellow as I said, wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Please circle the word self-reliance and if you can somehow weave a line to the top margin there, however you want to get it there from that circle self- reliance, top margin and we're going to write this, self-will slash me playing god south will slash me plain god okay self will slash meet playing god i'm going to keep reading south alliance was good as far as it went but it didn't go far enough some of us once had great self-confidence but it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other when they made us cocky it was worse okay question mark after worst put a little y to the right if you relate to that so in the fear inventory we'll come back to this okay so the the big book gives us a very clear example of how they were inspired in spirit to push forward 89 years later, the first three columns are the resentment inventory, right? How should we consider doing it, right, and then they say look at it from a different angle, so that's the fourth column in the resentment inventor. In the fear mentor, they don't do such a thing. They don't give us any example. There's some questions to ask, okay? We'll come back to this now, but the question that the big book wants, the spirit wants me to come to, to ask myself is really in every single fear, wasn't it because self-reliance failed me? Why do I have this fear? Isn't it Because Self-Reliance Failed Me? Not why do I have this fear. I had this fear of being left alone, being abandoned because my father left us as a kid. I'm not saying that's the wrong way to go about it. That's just one way but I don't believe the big book asks that. It doesn't say what happened to you as a kid that you had that causes fear. It says, wasn't it because self-reliance failed you? Don't worry about writing any of this down. When I go through the sheets, it'll make it so much more clear, okay? So the big book is saying, Ali, you're not a bad person for having fear. We all have fear, right? And you're not even a bad person for doing the fear-based actions that have caused turmoil in your life on anyone else you just been trying not to be afraid you've just been try to control and manage this fear all throughout your life and with this situation just the way you go about trying to control them manage it hasn't worked wasn't it because self-reliance failed you that's a different way to look at it i think it's very profound if if i'm coming across i'm not sure if i'll come in across so one way to look at it is why why do i have this fear i have the sphere because my dad beat me is it my dad left us i'm just making something right i have to say because my god left us i had fear of randomness right fine psychological approach to it nothing wrong with it beautiful a good psychiatrist can eventually get me to that right right but it's still been the problem okay the big book asked me a totally different question i believe the spirit of it why do i have deep fear how do i know is because it follows it by a by a rhetorical question you have this fear don't worry about what happens as you happen to you as a kid acknowledge that sorry about that that's painful it should never happen to when you're molested by those two 15 year old kids right but we're asking a different question why do i have this fear right now in this situation isn't it because everything i've tried in my life including this current fear to just not be afraid has failed me so the big book is asking me isn't that because the solution has failed you that you're trying to employ oh Oh, you mean South Alliance as a solution to getting rid of this fear doesn't work for me? Okay. You mean when it makes me cocky, it's worse? Oh, I see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're leading me to something that's a nice paragraph, right? I'll give you an example. Man, I feel like I'm all over the place. I hope it's coming across. So I was a martial arts instructor and a fighter for a long time in the ring. um and like a full contact olympic partying game kind of stuff provincial team for a long time um i used to be a really good instructor i should teach kids of classes of kids and adults right the kids parents used to love me they used to always come and tell me how you're a great instructor we love you so i used I used to hear that and thank them and every time every time they they they said that to me I would leave feeling horrible because deep down I felt like I wasn't good enough I didn't I had a fear of not being good enough and when they would tell me that I would say but only if you knew the real me the only reason you like me because you think I'm good at this but if you new me without this talent I'm not good enough. I fought more I got to martial arts because i was a fear of being beat up because my dad used to be i wanted to protect my mom against from my dad from my that yeah and the kids on the street to protect myself that's why i got into martial arts do you know that i was afraid before every single fight even though i got in the provincial team did you know i trained so hard because i i was so afraid and at times i was cocky man i was a cocky fighter at times did you know that i was only cocky because i was afraid when it was when i was khaki it made it made it worse see self-reliance is good self-confidence self-confidence is good but see with me i have such a deep down this is true now right it's not so much in me these days but deep down man deep down very deep down for years fear of not being good enough thank god for this program that is not as bad you know and no matter how much you praise me no matter how much school did me doesn't matter which way you went i would still take that and make it mean i'm not good enough no matter what i accomplish there's always something else to get too because i'm not good enough and made me cocky you see people that are aggressive they're afraid you see the people that talk about themselves a lot they're frayed you see people that that need to be a center of attention they're afraid how do i know because i am that they're my mirror not because i've judging them they're my mirror god is everything everything is a message for me to get better nothing to do with everyone else cocky worse next paragraph says perhaps there's a better way we think so ready now they're leading us to something self-reliance hasn't worked right your solution hasn't work right yeah it has someone in yellow now for we are now for we are on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon god we trust infinite god rather than our finite selves that's all in yellow we are on the world to play the role he has times that's the end of yellow and the yellow light here signs begin with four we are now so now that i see not my self-will to control and manage these fears that i have currently hasn't been working it never worked my entire life now I'm on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon God I trust infinite love infinite power I'm going to at least try it on rather than my finite limited self see I've been in the world when I'm afraid I start to assign roles to people you should treat me like this you should say this you should acknowledge me you should be kind to me I sign a God rule I know you handled the marriage thing and the drinking thing this financial thing I got to take care of it so you know what I'm going to do to take care of that God I'm gonna put up a front I'm not gonna lie a little bit here and there I'm going to not go to work sometimes, cancel appointments because of fear. I'm gonna judge other people, I'm going to be jealous of them, I'll throw people on the bus at work because that's how I try not to be afraid. I don't know what else to do. I see Miranda laughing, you relate? I assign everybody else a role but see I forget I'm in the world to play the role he assigns. Remember in the third step, the deal I made? God, you're the director. You assign me a role as an actor. You are the principal. You assign mean a role agent. You're the employer. You assigned me a roll as an employee. You're father. You give me directions as a little lost child. I don't know what to do, man. You know, pink please. The rest of this paragraph, it's a promise. It's a beautiful promise. Just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us, and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity." Just to the extent we do and we think He would have us and humbling rely on Him, does He enable us to match beautiful. Beautiful. So I love this. What a promise. Now moving forward eh? For me. this these words right now they're moving forward for me on a deeper level just to the extent that i think he would have me i love it it's not even just to be said that i that he would have me what is what is he what a humble statement though right there and what how low this power has has set this bar for me just to The extent that I even think this power would have me do what he would have me do does he just show up and and match the calamity in my life that the turmoil that's within myself with peace and serenity in mind peace and strength by the way just a quick little note there so when it says just to the extent that i that we think we do as we think you would have us and humbly rely on him uh i don't see that as like if my brain tells me to do something that's god and i do it that's in the context of what's revealed to me to do out of a relationship with the sponsor out of going meetings and sharing out of writing inventories and praying and meditating on it and then just to the extent that he would have me do what is revealed to him that's how it comes to me not because my brain tells me so you know what i mean especially when i'm new or especially when I've had my foot off the gas hospital for a while now obviously in step 11 talks about this becomes a working part of mine yes i become more intuitive and in touch with this with that with this higher love it comes at me instantly sometimes but for some stuff that that are bigger that i have to put pencil paper i wait for the revelation after i read it to somebody and sat with it and prayed about it just to the extent that you would have me in that way you know thank you for keeping your hand up we're going to come to you we just have one more paragraph and we're making pretty good time we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator we can laugh at those who think spirituality a way of weakness i used to think that boy was that wrong for me paradoxically it is the way of strength i heard someone saying it's all true this entire program is like filled with paradoxes like bill wilson says it this way when when abby thatcher took him through whatever the steps were the oscar group in the hospital room there when he stated his when he got sober uh they talked about he talks about that uncommon common sense thus becomes uncommon sense what i thought before doesn't make sense anymore doesn't work i used to think spirituality is a way of weakness well it seems to be a wave strength i used I used to think, depending on the power greater than me is a way of weakness, what's a way of strength? In fact, I used things showing, talking about my weaknesses and acknowledge them is going to destroy my life. And it's actually weakness but it's strength. Isn't that amazing? i admit uh powerlessness in any area of life that i can't do this on my own god i seem to be destroying my life god can you please help me and i come to you one of you guys then i get filled with power man that's unpowered paradox paradox uncommon sense right opposite of what you usually think the verdict of the ages is that faith means courage highlighting yellow please faith means courage i let in yellow faith means courage continuing yellow all men of faith have courage continuing yellow they trust their god okay no more yellow we never apologize for god now that this line in yellow instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do instead we let him demonstrate to us what you can do faith means courage see in this book never tells me you're wrong and bad for having a fear you should never have a fear oh you're you're 10 years sober five years sober 30 years sober why do you have the fear you're not spiritual enough your failure in this program lies fear of faith can't exist not my experience god better exists when i'm in the feeder field fear fetal position at home because I can't find a job to help support a family and my brain's telling me you're a loser you're not a real man my brain is telling me it wouldn't be better if you were sober my brain has told me it wouldn'T be better if you weren't here anymore sober God better exist faith better exist my God exists my God is so big that exists when I'm filled and riddled with fear that's my experience he better exist he better exists the definition faith all men of faith have courage so definition of faith is sorry courage is not not having fear please forgive me that's stupidity i need to have a certain amount of fear for self-preservation you know what i mean like i'm not going to close my eyes and walk into traffic i'm afraid to do that right if there's a dark alley and i see a bunch of guys with with hoodies in there i'm not gonna go there i love afraid fear is gonna keep me safe nothing wrong with fear right having fear the problem with the fear that i have every single fear in my life it it it shows itself up i experience it as if i'm in a safari and a lion is literally chasing me that's the problem with the kind of fear that i have every single fear you know all men of faith have first the definition of courage is me having faith this is the spiritual i believe the big book definition approach this is my opinion okay me having face and despite that fear in the face of that fear Taking a course of action so I can watch God demonstrate through me what he can do. That's courage with fear, with fear. Let God demonstrate to you what he is doing. What he can't do. In sobriety, thoughts came to take my own life. Depression, can't get out of bed for a month. Darius, my nine and a half year old was six months old at that time. full of fear man but you guys introduce me to a course of action that i get to tap into a loving power on a deeper and deeper level on a daily basis that then start to send men in my way as i am continuing this course of action of trust god clean house help others just today and i was yesterday i started to experience a sad man and woman in my path that are suffering from depression i got to share with them and they got to see him demonstrate through me what he can do and the fear starts to dissipate and the external condition never changed isn't that amazing and my faith got stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger instead we let him demonstrate to you what he can do in pink please the last the rest of the paragraph promises and prayers we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be at once we commence to outgrow fear we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be at once we commence to outgrow fear okay that's a prayer to the right of fear in that little space in that middle space so right if you please write in capital letters fear of prayer please fear of fear all right so now fear of Okay, so the question for the people that have their hands up already, okay, is, again, you know, it would, you You know what, always the reason this program has, I believe has so much like it says that, you know doctor's opinion says depth and weight, right? The message which can hold these alcoholic, these hopeless alcoholics when fraught emotional appeals and doesn't suffice for them. The only thing that could hold them is a message that has depth and way. I believe depth and wait comes from personal experience. I believe that's the way it comes from not really unpacking this book is pouring personal experience on, you know, it just makes this book thousands of kilometers deep. So if I can ask the people that have their hand up, if you can bring some personal experience specific personal experience of these days, or if these days doesn't come to you, you can grab one from back like that right so let's look at this one. um how does self-reliance i had this fear i had this fear actually this is these are the ways i tried to not be afraid and then self-reliance failed me it failed me right maybe on that how your self- reliance fails you in not being afraid and then on this one we are how when you're afraid how do you assign roles how do you assign rules to other people do you assign roles to different people are you really here to play the role that god times something like on the first yellow that we did page 68 and the second yellow these two yellows anything from those highlights okay and i know i just threw it on you last minute so if you whatever you if you can't move whatever the spirit moves share like just share whatever your spirit moves you share on please ali come on up please dear ali come one up please yeah thanks Ali alcoholic um yeah I can do that with the soccer lines fails and the roles yeah just so just quickly it's fear at work it's um I through AA I got to be a lawyer but I don't feel like I deserve that and um and every every single second I'm trying to prove that I'm good enough to be one and so self-reliance fails in um in the role so I got a superior who has to supervise me and I was like okay I will just do whatever you want me to do and I'm just going to people please him and I am just your servant I am juste yeah I yeah I serve you and I would um stroke his ego and do all of that stuff and as and his role for me that I assigned him was that well then you must like I should be able to depend on you for all my answers and um yeah that you're my work god none of that none ofthat worked very well and I've now got a massive resentment with him which um which i can't shift that's it thank you ali beautiful thank you marie come on please uh thanks ellie um so i have a role as a trusted servant in an aa in different capacities and i'm a procrastinator so i put off doing things like minutes reports um sending in and responding to emails and i freeze so my role is like a victim and i know in advance but what i do then is i know that god is the director so i pray and it's amazing how i can get things done you know i don't the things that seem very onerous and difficult aren't so bad and especially if i don t let them um file up and i think it all stems from that i'm not good enough i'm not my report's not going to be good enough there's too much to do in the minutes but god does come through when i let him thanks beautiful thank you so much lauren come on up please hi everybody lauren alcoholic um yeah this is like a perfectly timed discussion because just this morning before this meeting i was making a list of all the stuff that i was going to buy and put together and prepare for Easter next weekend when I'm going to with my family. And then I just realized, I always overdo it. And I, you know, it's because I'm, you know, not fear of not being good enough. Fear, you know, wanting to be admired and wanting to people please, I want others to admire me and love me and take notice of me and blah, blah. And I go to crazy lengths to, you know, if I rely on myself, I go To crazy lengths, I spend too much money, I spent way too much time, um, you Know, preparing things that people are like, Are you kidding me? Like, what did it take you like three days to do that? I mean, it's just incredible, like the lengths all go to, to get that admiration and praise. And same thing at work, you know, I'm in a position where I should be saying no a lot more. And I'm not because it's easier for me to just stand back and salute the flag and be like, okay, if that's what you want to do, we'll do that. And that's again, fear of not being liked, fear Of not being accepted. It's just all like I made this big huge list of things that i do based on fear throw up throw under throw others under the bus gossip spend too much money work too hard dress up makeup buy new too many new clothes micromanage people speaking to others rudely people please and not breaking habits like those are all coming from fear so um this is yeah so i um the way i'm working that now is i just have to keep saying the fear prayer like constantly remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be and get get my head off myself thanks for letting me share beautiful thank you so much lauren so we're going to stop now but please keep your hands up we're going to come back to you i just want to i just wanna we're gonna be sort of on the same here you go can everyone see this can you see this kuna Yeah, all good. Sorry? Yeah, we can. Okay, perfect. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, so Kuna has put this link and we're going to send an email now. This is a few inventory sheets, okay? So I'm going to ask to please... Okay, so again, this is not the only way for sure. This is one way to do a few... Where is this thing? It's okay, okay, there we go. The last few years I've done so many different styles of fear inventory. Okay, some of you may be familiar with this. And because, and it's left to interpretation in the big book because they don't give us a clear example they asked, they asked us to consider some questions of the fear inventory right. And I know in the past, I'm not going to name any names because all valuable workshops and all amazing giants like that usually sometimes what people do is because there's not much going on for inventory how to do it, they take people have taken the resentment inventory sort of the way to do it right and just put do the fear that way a little bit right and columns. um there has been uh sometimes people have done just i i have done just like a short question like wasn't it because software lines failed me yes yes yes yes right that's it for the first say the fear right and all valid are powerful i've done so many different ways this is probably the most powerful fear inventory that i have experienced and i know probably familiar to some of you guys so let's go through it so first of all i i make a master list of all my fears and that's on the instruction that are going to be emailed that's in the chat already on today's session master list is every single fear from the fourth column of every single resentment inventory i put it on that list right and then i pray i add any other fears that didn't come up in those inventories so that's my master list appears let's say i have 10 15 25 3 years right each of those fears will be taken through these questions okay so fear what is the fear right um Let's say fear of not being good enough, the fear of nothing good. The second question is why do I have this fear? That's taken directly from the big book we highlighted. If you can have your big book open page 68, we ask ourselves why we had them, right? And then ask us wasn't it because South Alliance failed us? So all the big Book is asking me, the big books wants me to come to that realization on my own. That's the only thing that it's asking me to do. is regarding this fear isn't it don't i have this fear currently in my life not because of what happened to me as a kid necessarily but let's look at it differently because self-reliance to get rid of this fear has failed that's all it's asking me it wants me to rhetorically come to that question come to that answer right so the next few questions we're not going to see in the big book but please just set everything inside um and please uh the next few questions although they're not in the big book they help tremendously in spiritually unpacking my uh my ideas and the way i show up they put it on the table so i can answer that question isn't it because self-reliance film okay so second question why do i have this fear so we're not going to answer it and i used to answer in the way that what happened to me as a kid but i found after some time that was bondage i keep going back i have this fear because they did this they did this no why do i have the sphere one way to look at it is please answer this question this way if this occurs then what am i afraid of that means what's the underlying fear okay so if it was for example fear of not being good right so if i'm not good enough then what am i afraid of then what i'm afraid of if i feel like i'm if people don't think i'm good enough well i'll be alone if i'm alone not good enough that what am I afraid of uh i won't have any happy relationships if i don't have relationships what am i what am l afraid of i will be unfulfilled i'll be unhappy i'll drink and i'll die i'll just take it to wherever the spirit stops me to take it right so i won t i'll be alone karma i'll be unhappy karma i ll drink and i'll die that's it okay next question is how have i been using self-reliance stuff slash self-will these days and throughout my life to control and manage this fear okay so in order for me to get to a place where i see that i have this fear because self-reliance has failed me, first I have to put in black and white how I have been using self-reliance to control and manage this fear. Fear not being good enough. How I've been using self- reliance in the current situation or throughout my life? Well, I put up a front. I pretend that I'm something that I am not. I lie. I maneuver. I manipulate. I get resentful. i talk behind people's back i gossip i get resentful i already said that i put people down i need to i need to talk about myself i need to be the center of attention that's how i've been i'm not a bad person for doing those things i'm just afraid and i'm trying not to be afraid so much so how i have been using self-reliance right to control so that's how we do that one the next question is have my self-reliance efforts as listed above solve my fear problem by the way you don't need to write these questions they're posted in the chat this document and we'll email them to you okay so just stay with us together okay have my soft reliance efforts I listed above solve my peer problem that's not in a big book either but if I want to get to the question of has soft alliance failed me first I have to list how I've been using soft alliance i have to ask myself has it been working well if it was working then i wouldn't be writing a fear inventory right if it wasn't working i would be tortured by it and thinking about it sometimes right sometimes it's yeah yeah it worked but no maybe for a short period of time but then it made things worse okay so i have i can see to myself no one hasn't worked right it hasn't solved my fear problem next question what negative effects have my self-reliance effort caused in my life don't have genuine relationships constantly afraid always worried about what others think about me losing jobs so many drinking back in the day always fighting always tension the next question is do I now believe that I still have this fear because self-reliance has failed me right so we ask one two three questions to unpack what I've been doing really using self-reliance how's the fact of my life to get to the question that a big book wants me to answer they want me to ask was it because self reliance failed you Abby and now I can ask myself do I now believe that i still have this fear because self-reliance has failed me because it's in black and white i wrote it down i don't have this here today i don' believe because of what happened to me as a kid what happened is the kid happened to me if i if i still have this belief system that i have this sphere because of what happened to me as a kid then i'm in bondage and i have the belief system that the external what happens in the outside on my past experience is defining for the rest of my life then i'm dead in the water that's not what this program says i don't worry about what happened to me as a kid at this point not in this note over here not in it not over here i'm not saying that's now valid to get some solutions for of course it's right over here I just want to know do I have this fear today because the solution that i've been employing to throw people under the bus to to talk about myself uh to lie to deceive to put up a front to put out an image this solution this right here hasn't worked that's why i still have this fear because that hasn't work see if i look at it this way that the solution that i have been employ sometimes unbeknownst to me automatically the isms of alcoholism and my self-centered my ego has been driving me through a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion and self-right when I look at that, that solution hasn't worked and then I can be open to like oh we are on a different basis so maybe infinite power can help me do what the finite mind hasn't been able to do do I not believe that I still have this fear because self-reliance is filled okay and the next question is am I willing to trust and rely upon infinite god rather than my finite self because in the second yellow in the big book that's what is we get it now the next few questions we got it directly from the big book turning statements into questions it says on a different basis we trust infinite god rather than our finite selves now that's the question when i can answer i have this fear because self-reliance has failed me and then i can end i can be open to like oh the solution that they're proposing am i now willing am i willing to trust and rely upon infinite god rather than my finite self just because it hasn't worked my finite cell right yes hopefully over there at this point in time and then there's a prayer as i was saying earlier whatever revelation to me it was a few years ago when i started to write inventory with prayer throughout resentment inventory with prayer throughout right and the fear inventory so as if there's a prayer god please remove this fear from me and direct my attention to what you would have me do and what you will have me be that's directly from the big book okay that the do part we turn it into a prayer where it says where it just to the extent that we that we do as we think he he would have us and humble we think we do what you think he would have us right that comes from there and then the b part comes from the last line that we highlighted we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be how it's been so the prayer is god please remove this fear from me and direct my intention to what you would have me do and who or what you will have me be so i say that prayer every single time before i answer that last question and i sit with it and i sit within and i ask the question from spirit what do i think god would have me do and who would he had me be in order to humbly rely on him and as i relate to this fear and the spirit answers god will have me trust him god would have me if i had a fear of not being good enough god would have me in every interaction pray how i can how i can make the other person feel good enough god will have me be kind and generous be in service to his kids whatever it comes i don't know what comes right god will help me pick up the phone and call my sister and love on her even though she was unlovable i don t know what the message will be. I'm not going to assume that. I got to send a prayer on that one, see where it comes. Okay, perfect, beautiful. So now let's, let me see what we can do here. Let me stop sharing. Okay, perfectly. So everyone okay with that fear inventory? Yeah, It has been, for me, some of you may have done a version of that. For me it was revolutionary because I've done it all kinds of different ways. It has one of the most profound fear inventory experiences that I've ever had, this fear inventory. So now if we could go and have some sharing around the first... okay you know what a brave soul that has a current fear has a current fear that wants to uh oh there's mary's mary c hand up okay current fear that wants us to run through this fear inventory with us that wants run through the sphere inventory with this okay perfect so i'm gonna alcoholic and i love this um okay my fear my current fear i'm gonna turn off my video because i think my internet's a little sketchy sure is that my daughter um who's a 31 year old um alcoholic am i still on yeah mary you're still on so do you have the inventory sheet up there somehow and then i wrote it all down you wrote it down okay so let me okay perfect so let just oh okay inventory so i want you to please so no explanations around anything okay because the yeah stuff always wants to explain or rationalize and like you know just make things complicated very very simple what is the fear okay fear of the fear is my daughter's gonna die of alcoholism okay thank you very much thank you so why thank you for very much okay very significant health issues she just got released back to her rehab from the hospital after having extreme um septic shock yeah my self-reliance so hold on hold on one second we're going to stay together you're doing a great job i'm just pulling up on my phone so i don't care because i want to see everybody so first question is what is the fear the second question is and i know you probably didn't get a chance to write it all down that's where we're going to email it and so why do i have this fear so i'm going to invite you to stay away from the third dimension reasons why you think you have this sphere like because what's happening right or what happened that there's nothing wrong with that i'm gonna invite you to look at it differently okay so we're asking ourselves why do i have this 300 brackets is please answer this question in this way if this occurs then what am i afraid of which means or another way is what is the underlying fear so in this case if your fear is um my daughter dying of alcoholism okay so you're gonna ask yourself if this occurs if my daughter dies of alcoholism then what am i afraid of like what is it that i'm afraid of is going to happen so please i invite you to be with me on this one okay so what are you afraid of god forbid god for a bit god forbid god forbid right we're not talking about if this occurs what's the fear she's gonna die okay please forgive me it's hypothetical if she dies what's the fear i don't know i failed her okay i'm a failure as a mother if she passes away and you are a failure as a father and you're seeing that way what are you afraid of what's going to happen how are you going to feel i work so please go ahead horn i might pick up okay terrified of my identity the pain of losing a child beautiful you're doing great okay so i'm gonna just stay with me on this one we're gonna make it really short and succinct right so if fear of losing my child to alcoholism what am i afraid of if this occurs how what am I afraid of right we're gonna write in that um i'm gonna be seen as a failure as a mother comma i'm gonna pick up comma the pain i'm going to feel how i'm gonna feel i'm to be unhappy i'm gonna be tortured i'm gonna be unfulfilled i'm gonna be in pain are you with me saying that god forbid something like that happens someone should be walking on water and no no we're not this is something we're doing something else here we're trying to be free we're trying to let god direct us here okay so do you see that through that question what's what what becomes evident is that really what i'm afraid of is how i'm going to be affected do you think that affects me do you see that yes that's how powerful this that's why fear is an evil and corroding threat it robs me of everything because i think my fear my concern not that it's not i'm not saying that it's but if i'm honest with myself to the degree that it grips me today for something that hasn't happened yet there's nothing to do with what's going to happen or what's happening it has to with how i'm going to be affected what's the root cause of my life what's a root cause of our illness selfishness self-centered fear you know selfish and selfishness selfishness and substance that's the only thing that blocks the sign of the spirit from me yeah and when i have that and that's why i write it that's why i gotta write a fear inventory that's what i gotta take it to a sponsor that's why i got a seven six and seven i gotta clean up if i need to in sobriety why because if i allow my life my actions to be dictated by that fear i'm gonna destroy any remaining time i have with my daughter here on earth now i may go tomorrow i don't know right but i need to be unblocked so i can be filled up by the power of this loving god so he can assign me roles in this situation and demonstrate through me what he does so i can be useful my concern needs something about me i'm talking about you my concern needs to be my like put on usefulness not the uncomfortability of what may or may not happen you know what i mean right okay okay so beautiful thank you for being with us thank you for being so generous with 260 people this is called generosity in spirit when somebody bears their soul so now next question okay so with me come with me so how you ask yourself okay so those are the deeper fears really self-centered fear okay now how have i been using self-reliance suffer these days and maybe throughout my life but let's say these days to control the manager's fear of my daughter dying of alcoholism what have you been doing to try i got this one down beautiful i've got this went down emotion blackmail the best present you could ever give me was is sobriety i pointed her in all the directions bought her literature given her people to call meetings to go to ad infinitum told her all about my story i'm sober i've done the work all you have to do is what i tell you beautiful beautiful anything else came to you can i suggest some stuff sure okay so i'm just going to throw some stuff right exactly what you said so this was what i have done with my dad okay so he's an advocate judge him um be harsh with them at times talk down to him from a spiritual hilltop try to play god in his life right and so much more right so we just keep writing karmaka and then the spirit will stop okay that's enough that's it that's how i've been using sapphalite so so you saw you see on black and white there and the next question becomes you got to ask yourself regarding your daughter this situation and but here's the thing too i don't want anyone to ever think that please don't tell you i'm a bad person no with the good motive with a good heart i'm trying to help my dad but it is when self isn't involved i destroy everything okay so the question becomes because it's about me not about him really you know have my mary have your self-reliance efforts as listed above as we just talked about solved your fear problem no no beautiful no okay next question is what negative effects have your self-reliance effort caused financially well there's been failing around financially a lot um and i had always planned to move to maine but i stayed in new york for years and years well when emily gets sober i'll move when this happens i'll move and i finally a year ago just made the leap now i have the guilt feeling of if i were there maybe she wouldn't have picked up again right right because like i manipulate yeah playing god right finger so so negative ethics negative effects right stuff alliance um what you just mentioned there right would you say at times your yours and your daughter's relationships has been strained oh yes right would you say there's lack of peace a lack of trust yes is she sober no she's in the in the rehab for probably the sixth time right now okay so so you can see in black and white that you running your you trying to manage and control the sphere by cell phone not that you're bad but your mom are you kidding me anybody could right it just doesn't work it just Doesn't Work it's cause negative destroys everything okay so now now that you here with me and 260 people 256 people and a loving God do you now believe that you still have this fear because your self-reliance is failing you yes it's constant the my self-reliance is what gets me in those places of sheer you know despair that and and when I stop and bring God back in I start feeling peace beautiful and we're not there yet okay we're that question we're not there yet self-reliance has failed me that's where i am right are you are you willing are you are you willing to trust and rely upon infinite god rather than your finite self right now in this moment moving forward okay are you willing to do that yes yes and it doesn't tell me that i'm going to do it perfectly eh i'm just willing i just got to bring a humble heart of willingness to this power man all right god i'm gonna try again right here's a prayer okay did you write down the prayer yes okay would you do the prayer with me together yes okay god god please remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be what you would have me do and who would you have maybe any version of that right now obviously i sit down with some you know maybe a few minutes and just ask god and just see what the spirit wants to tell me but now for the sake of what we're doing like that question is mary what do you think i would who do you think god would have you be and what do you thing god would have you do moving forward and in order to humbly rely on him as it relates to this fear of your daughter i think he wants me to trust him and rely on the fact that she has her own god she has their own higher power and it's not me beautiful right there could be so many things that god I don't even, I don' know the situation. I'm just saying what's coming to me and from it, right? Dive deeper into Al-Anon. Right. Maybe. Yes. Right? Yeah. Love on her. Love. i think diving deeper into al-anon is a good one so just yeah exactly what you said god would direct say i'm not gonna we're not gonna make the assumption i know the answer i don't want to do that because my ego wants to stop me from having a new experience by giving an answer to a question right away no i gotta sit with it i pray about it i sit for a few minutes as i'm writing inventory allow god to come and also don't forget in a fifth step things become more clear maybe things that i don see through a sponsor or someone else right oh okay that's powerful stuff man okay beautiful thank you thank you so much very for doing that thank you very nice beautiful okay so it's beautiful okay so now so now put the remainder of our time together um we're not gonna move forward in the big book so just please people that have your hand up keep your hand up um anyone else want to put your hand up mickey let's now go to 11 30 and then say a prayer and then we'll stay longer for uh for for q a okay so um before anyone has anyone who wants to share whatever you want to share in q a right now um so the next for next week for next week as kristen has shared in the chat and uh and someone's gonna email to everybody after um the assignment is the directions for today's session and the assignment is if you if you have done this perfect if you haven't no problem no problem just so you know what to pass on to the new person right but if you've done this up to now with us um master list of fear inventory take each fear through one sheet right so if you have 10 fears 10 of those sheets in that way um that's the assignment if you want to continue with us in that way all right liam come on up brother whatever you want to share any q a nice to see you hey how are you uh grateful recovered alcoholic my name's liam um just to share on a fear um i've been four years sober my wife decided to quit her job and immediately brought about uh you know resentment towards her fear of financial insecurity uh you name it the whole uh the whole gambit and um and uh yeah and i saw uh i saw this stuff kind of prevalent in uh immediately and you know like my assignments to her you know my role the roles that i assigned to her, you know she's supposed to be a partner in this marriage and raising our child and all this financial burden is now on me so here I go into self-pity and just checking all these boxes of uh of my of the root of my problem and then uh and again you know it just didn't you know i've inventoried it um right back to that fear prayer right like we asked him to remove our prayer and direct our attention what he would have me be a loving and understanding father a loving an understanding husband she was unhappy um how can i be helpful for her um and then i just let god direct my life um you know by based on the principles of patience tolerance kindness and love how can i bring that to my relationship and uh that's how i deal with with fears these days so uh love the big book um love this workshop thank you very much ali thank you liam thanks brother for sharing how do you have your hand up i don't see you on the screen maybe you went to the washroom okay there she's come back okay