The Emptiness of Untreated Alcoholism – Bob D.

About This Speaker Tape

Pennsylvania, childhood: a kitchen floor, a big spoon, and a jar of potent horseradish. Bob D. learned early that being told he couldn't have something meant he had to have it, even if it left him spewing and sick. He describes himself as a "freeze-dried alcoholic," born with an inside emptiness that only alcohol could treat. For Bob, a few drinks of 151 rum were the only way to "come out and play" and escape the bondage of self.

He details the "phenomenon of craving" through a gritty memory of raiding a bathroom cabinet for cough medicine during a dinner party just to survive the night. After years of homelessness and a brush with a two-year prison sentence, Bob admits he viewed the 12 Steps as a "grimy check" written by a bum—something he tore up because his own opinion told him he was too far gone. It wasn't until he reached the jumping-off place, unable to live with or without the bottle, that he surrendered to a Higher Power.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction and welcome to the Al-Anons and newcomers.
• 3:15 Childhood story: The horseradish incident and the 'born alcoholic' concept.
• 8:40 The 'phenomenon of craving' and the story of the cough medicine in the bathroom.
• 15:20 Discussion on the 'emptiness of abstinence' and the feeling of being a 'taker' in the rooms.
• 21:10 The hit-and-run in a stolen car and the judge's ultimatum regarding the Ark House.
• 28:45 Struggling with Step 3 and the religious baggage of a judgmental Higher Power.
• 35:10 The 'rat in the cage' metaphor and the danger of resting on one's laurels.
• 42:30 The 'bondage of self' and the story of helping a suicidal newcomer at a meeting.
• 51:15 The betrayal by his wife and best friend; the near-suicide attempt in a sports car.
• 58:20 Working the Fourth Step to find freedom from resentment and the current relationship with his daughter.
• 1:05:00 The metaphor of the crystal clear lake and the necessity of constant service.