The Decision to Stop Playing Higher Power – Risa M.

Hi everyone, I'm Risa M. I'm a recovered alcoholic and I've been free of alcohol and any other mind-altering substances since March 3rd, 2004. And I am just so happy to be able to be of service here tonight. It's funny because somebody had, I guess, not been able to make it tonight or canceled or whatnot and got a text from Josh asking if me or my husband could maybe do a talk on the third step. And I had literally just gotten off the phone with my sponsor maybe about half an hour before I got the text and she was like, well, it sounds like you might be having some third step issues right now. So, uh, it just, and then, and Then my husband texted and said, Hey, I think you should do the talk on the third step. And I'm like, all right, all right. All right. I hear the marching orders. God, I'm I'm on it. I'm on it so here I am. And it's wonderful to be at the grace group. I love this meeting. I love the people who put it together. And thank you guys so much for having this meeting. I have a home group today. My home group is called the PPG Webster Meeting, and we meet on Zoom on Sundays at 930 a.m. Eastern. It's really cool. It's a big book study. We study the book line by line, and мы go through these questions that are in the study guide printed out and started by the primary purpose group of Dallas, Texas. And it's just a really cool group. We get a lot of people there from around the country, around the world. And I just love it. I absolutely love it also. I'm a pretty big, big book nerd. So a lot of my talk is going to be coming from I'll probably be talking about some of the book, the big book so uh you know uh if you if you want to have that out great if you're not great um so uh I I should say and start that like I I get really nervous before I have to talk you know I've been doing it a lot I talk I talk um a bunch of times in front of people and and yeah every single time I still get nervous I still got that fear coming in and and beforehand I still have to pray and ask God to remove that fear. And eventually, you know, I'll be talking in my head and at you guys for a little bit. And then at some point during this talk, God's just going to come in and take me out. And that's the magic of this thing. So yeah, this is Max behind me, my son, and he loves sitting in on some of these meetings. And it's great. So I'm going to tell you a little bit about what I thought the third step was, what my first experiences were with the third Step. My first experience with the Third Step was just sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous reading it off the wall. And if I read it off The Wall, what it says is made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood him. And I was sitting in the rooms of AA at the time, I didn't know if I was an alcoholic or not. I didn'T know what alcoholism was. I DIDN'T know that I didn' t believe in any higher power. You guys were not going to trick me into believing in a higher power regardless if you put as we understood him past that word or not and I just I was very against it. I was just very against that. And, um, and I, uh, I, I just, I was like, well, that's, I'm not going to do that stuff. You know, I mean, I don't want to do it. Uh, sorry. No, thank you. And eventually I started to get sick in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and, um and I ended up going back out and I found a sponsor who started taking me through the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous this. And, um, and she taught me what alcoholism was. And uh, and the reason that I'm going a little bit back to the first step is because on page 60, right before we, we get into the third step, it says these three pertinent ideas. And right after the three pertinate ideas, it says being convinced. And the question is, what am I being convinced of? And I'm being convinced of these three pertinent ideas. And the first one of those three pertinent ideas is that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. So if I'm not convinced that I'm an alcoholic and cannot manage my own life, I am unable to be convinced that i need to even look at step three. And so if I don't know what an alcoholic is, I can't be convinced of that. So one of the things that my sponsor at the time took me through was she taught me about what alcoholism was. And, and you know, she talks to me about the, the allergy, you know that, that allergy that kicks in when, when we take a drink of alcohol and, and that alcohol goes into my body and what happens differently in my body than happens in, in the body of a, of a normal drinker is that my body, I need more. I need More. I want more. I have to have more. Um, I can go out and say, I'm only going to have one. I'm most likely, I never said I was going to only have one. Let's be honest. Um, I went out and said, I'm only going to have two or three. Um、 you know, I don't want to get crazy or anything and just have one。 But what would happen is even though I'd have the two or three, I couldn't stop it. Just that I could, I just couldn't stop it just that. And, um, and so we went through the allergy and there's really good information about that allergy and in the doctor's opinion. And, and so I started to see that I had this allergy in my own life. I started To see that when I when I would go out and I promise the world or myself or my family or friends, you know, employers, like that I am going to show up. And and then I go out And have a drink and didn't show up, you know, you know, I started to see that in my life. And so, you know, i suffer from this allergy. So you know the solution if my problem was just this allergy is just not to drink right and and you know like so i just don't drink but then i have this mind that also is attached that stone cold sober stone cold sober, I'm unable to not drink. I'm absolutely unable to not drink, I might be able to go for a bit and think, okay, I can't drink, i can't think i can drink. And then, you know, something happens, something great happens, and I have to celebrate, something horrible happens. And I have to be in the self pity party with my drink, something, you know, or, or I don't even realize I'm doing it. And the next thing I know is I'm at a bar drink, and I don't even know how it happened. And so what constitutes me as an alcoholic is that when I put alcohol in my body, I don'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. I DON'T HAVE THE ABILITY TO CONTROL HOW MUCH GOES INTO MY BODY. AND THEN STONE COLD SOBER, I'M UNABLE TO NOT PICK UP THE DRINK. You know, I'm unable at certain times. This book tells us I'm able at certain times to bring into my consciousness the suffering and humiliation of even a month or a week ago. You know I'm without defense against that first drink. So you know through my own experience of going through this book with my sponsor and her teaching me because that's what she needed to do. She needed to teach me what alcoholism was. And I needed to match what she was teaching me up to my own experience to come up with the idea, I am an alcoholic. And so when I got to that point, I could look at this first pertinent idea, A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. And the thing was, when it talks about that unmanageability, it was that I couldn't manage the decision not to drink, you know? And so I was, I was there. I was like, all right, I got step one. I'm convinced of step one So now there's another pertinent idea that I need to become convinced of that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. You know, in the doctor's opinion, it talks about frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices and more about alcoholism and you know, it talks about all the things that we might've done to not drink, to keep ourselves from drinking. And in, and there's a solution. It talks about all the people might've said to us to try and talk us out of drinking. And what I had to do is also, I had to match up my experience. What were the things that I tried to do to not drank? What were the things people tried to tell me to get me to not drink? What were all of those things? And, and I had to realize at this point that everything that I tried to do in and of myself, I was unable to pick up that drink as unable that none of it was gonna was going to relieve me of this alcoholism, that no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. Now let's talk about human power for a minute because human power today that I think of it is more than just another person. You know, it's like if I have the best job in the world, if I Have the best husband in the word, if i have the most perfect house in the world, you know, none of that, none that is going to make me feel content on the inside. But the other things that are also this human power is validation, love from other people, people telling me that I'm a great person, people telling me I'm a good worker, none of that is going to fill this unease that's inside of me. That makes me want that that makes me feel I need to feel relief. You know, I need To feel this relief. And I can't get that from anything outside of myself, you know, and um, and I'm able to see that as I as I'm going through this book as I am learning about more and more about what I've tried to do. What, what, what perfect little pieces of my life I've tried to put together so that my life is just easy and content enough for me to be able to live comfortably within myself. That's not enough for me to overcome this alcoholism. And so then if human power can't help me. My own willpower, which is also human power, can't help me. This third pertinent idea that God could and would if he were sought. So the first time I was going through this third step, after I saw it on the wall and after my sponsor had started taking me through these steps and giving me this, this knowledge of what alcoholism is through this book. I was able to see that my ideas didn't work. I still wasn't open to this idea of a higher power. I really, I really was very resistant to that idea. And and my my sponsor just threw up her hands and we were going through the second step when we were looking through we agnostics and, and the way I look at we agnostics today is, is all right. Your ideas didn't work. Can you at least be open to something else working something else that may be spiritual in nature? Can you, at least just be open to that? And, and, and my, and I, you know, I kept being just so consistent to this idea of a higher power and just, and she just finally threw up her hands and it's like, Reese, can you just at least believe you're not God? Can you just do that? Can you do that?" I said, you know, I had to think about it for a minute. And then I realized, you know, yeah, I guess I guess, I didn't make that tree and I make the wind blow, I guess I can come to the idea that I'm not God. I was this atheist that didn't believe in a God, but maybe I was God, I just I find it hysterical, that, that just how hypocritical our thinking can become so often in our lives. And so, you know, like I was like, all right, I'm not God. I can believe that. And she goes, can you at least believe that me working 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm in a better place in my mental and spiritual and every place of my life than you are right now? And I said, yes I can believe that and she's like so you can believe that this program worked for me and I said yes I can believe it. She said then can you believe that it might just might work for you if you do these steps and I thought I can do that and so my first higher power was working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was believing that if I did the things she told me to do in this book that I would be able to be happy like she was. And that was my first kind of openness to something else other than myself. And so, you know, when we got to this step, she just, you know, said at that time, all right, you know, we read about this stage character that we're going to go into a little bit more and we read about all of the selfishness and self-centeredness. And I didn't really understand it. I really didn't see my life in that light at all, at all. I was like, all right, this is for other people, but okay. You told me to go through these steps. I'll read this with you. And I really don't see it at all." And she said, listen, the decision you can make here is just to go on with the rest of the program of action. That's all the decision you need to make at this point. And so we, we continued on. And as I did the fourth step and as I Did the fifth step, my eyes started to really open up to what was written on these pages on 60 to 63. It was really opened up to like, maybe, maybe just maybe I might, I might be in these pages. And, uh, and as I continued on with the program, I, you know, I started to recover from alcoholism. And, and, and what I found was that when I reached step 10, I, those promises in step 10 where, where alcohol was no longer, it just, it, it wasn't horrible. It wasn't good. It wasn'T something I thought about. It just, IT just was, you know? And, and I realized that, that I had recovered from this hopeless state of mind and body. and um and i didn't think at that time i really ever had to revisit step three um i had this impression um and I don't know where it came from it just was in my mind nobody ever told me this or anything but I had this impression that once I hit step 12 I was free from the selfishness and self-centeredness in my life, that I was no longer this person, that the selfishness and self centeredness was only because I was drinking or it was only because I hadn't worked the steps. And I seem to think that that was, I never really had to go back there. And I'd hear people in meetings say, oh, I have to do step three all the time. And I've been like, oh you poor thing, like you poor, poor thing. And I just didn't understand it. I started to continue to stay sober. And I didn't really do steps 1011. I did 12. I was really good at first and 12 stepping, like really good at like, I'm powerless, let me help you. I'm powerless,let me helpyou. And then like, you know, sponsors would ask too much of me and other people would want too much of me. And then I'd start to like, you know, kind of push away and, and be like, man, I don't want to do this anymore. And, and, you know, then I go back and first step in 12 step again, and I found myself getting very, very sick. And eventually at 16 years sober when I when I was really just in the throes of so dry it is one of my friends likes to call it and I was just dry and crusty and spiritually sick and bankrupt. It wasn't really an Alcoholics Anonymous because I really just wasn't doing any sort of program whatsoever, but that's where I found myself at 16 years sober wanting to drink again and just desperately needing relief. In all God's beautiful wonder and love. And yes, I do believe in a higher power today. I do call it God. My God doesn't look like my husband's God and doesn't looks like probably anybody else's God here. And I just use it because it's a very simple term that people understand. And, and that's that. Um, but in, in all of, of my higher powers, wisdom and beauty, uh, a big book study was placed in my path and I started going to it. And they, they went through the book line by line and they studied the book and they studied the words and they studying what the directions were that were, that were put here by our founders. And so I started to go through this and I, I started having a new understanding of step three. I started to have a new understanding of my selfishness and my self centeredness. And I started To see how this just absolutely comes into my life on daily basis, like absolutely daily basis. I do a nightly inventory now. And there's not one single night where I go to bed and that there's that question, were you selfish? That I ever answer no. If I'm to be completely 100% honest with my day in that nightly inventory, there's always been some time or some place where I'm not thinking about anyone but Risa. And so let's get into the step three a little bit more because it's just, it delights me. And I honestly, it really is, you know, it talks about that this is the keystone to a new arch. And, and I really need to understand that today to really understand how desperately I need, I need my higher power and I need God. And And I need to be in a different frame of thinking today that I can't do in and of myself. So again, it says being convinced, being convinced of those three pertinent ideas. We were at step three, which is that he decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood him. And then it poses this question, what do we mean by that? What do we do? That's great. You know, I hear all the time in meetings, just turn it over, just turn it over, you know, let go and let God. And honestly, that sounds great. It sounds absolutely fantastic. How do you do that? But how do you doing that? You know, like I, it's just, you know, I sit there and I'm like, okay, what do I do? Like, do I go and drop something on the ground and like, God, like what, what do I do? Well, this book says the first requirement is it looks like this book has some instructions on how to do this. So the first room requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. And here's the thing is like back when I said, I thought I was rid of all the selfishness. I actually have a comment here that says, what areas am I still trying to control? You know, because yeah, when I first went through these steps, I was trying to my alcohol use and the steps worked really well for getting rid of this obsession for alcohol. And then I was like, okay, well, I got the rest, you know, I, I Got the job and I've got the school and I'm got all of that stuff, you know, so I'll take that back. But you can have the alcohol part, you know. And what I've found is that any life run on self will is hardly a success. So here I am managing, you know, the kids and my husband and my school and, you know, my friends and my sponsors. And I'm sitting here managing all of these things. And none of it can be a success, everything's ticking me off, because nobody's doing it right. Nobody's doing it right. We'll talk about that a little bit down here. You know, it says on that basis, we're almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. I'm not out to hurt you. I am not out for anyone. I don't wake up in the morning thinking I'm going to, you know, scream at my daughter today. I'm Not waking up in the morning saying, you know what? I'm going to take my professor off at school today. Like that's not what I am thinking. I'm thinking that I know how to make this better for everybody. That's what I'm Thinking. I'M THINKING THAT IF YOU FOLLOW MY DIRECTION, YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE A HAPPIER LIFE. BUT IT HAS TO BE IN MY DIRECTION BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS ALL AND YOU JUST need to follow me. And, and so that's what I'm thinking. Like, it's not necessarily that I think you're, um, that there's anything wrong with you. It's just my, my way is better and it's going to be easier for, for you if you just follow my way. And really in reality, if it's easier for you, then it's easy for me, you know? And so, um、 on that basis, even though my, my, my motives are good. Then it says most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in his own way. You know, as I said earlier, my sponsor was like, I think maybe you're, you're at step three, you know, like maybe we got to talk about step three a little bit. I think you need to go to God a littlebit more. You're a little bit in your head. And one of the things is I have a very busy life today, okay? The last few months has been extremely busy for me and I've been running on self-propulsion. I don't even know what I'm doing half the time. I'm just busting through people's lives. I'M BUSTING THROUGH SCHOOL. I' m BUSTIN' THRU THIS. I M BUSTin' THROU THAT. I AM NOT STOPPING TO PRAY. I am not stopping to think I'm not stopping to do anything. I'm just, just, you know, all all, you know, going ahead, just here I come, I'm pounding through, I just got to get this done, I got to get that done, i gotta get this down. And all of a sudden, I found myself being very cranky lately, very cranky. Because the thing is, you're not following the scripts that I've given you in my head. And, um, I know that I haven't told you what the script is, but you're supposed to know what the manuscript is because I don't have time to tell you about it right now. You just need to go along on the Risa show and follow along with me. Like I need you. I need you to know where you're suppose to be standing. I needed to know where you supposed to be holding the light. I need you to know where, what music to be playing. I need everybody to know what their place is in my little story in my head, because I just don't have time for this right now. I am on self-propulsion ladies and gentlemen, I am just going, going, Going. And, uh, and so I need you guys to pick up the slack for me. And then it says, if only his arrangements would stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Like if you would just do what I'm telling you to do, I'm going to be happy. If I'm happy, you're going tobe happy. And, And, you know, if you're not happy, it's just because you're doing it wrong. That's not my fault. You're doing It wrong. And, uh, you Know, everybody including himself would be pleased life would be wonderful. I, I, and I honestly think that it's, it'S funny today because now I do inventory and, Uh, and there's a part of the inventory where there's this, this part that I do where it's ambition and security. And one of them starts with, I wish, and one of them starts what I need. And when I take a look at those parts in my inventory, and I put down like what I wish to happen in something, or I need this to feel okay, I realized that even if those things were to have happened, I still wouldn't feel okay. I still wouldn't be okay. Because it's an inside thing. You know, all the things I wish, all of the things I need and want. And it's all everybody needs to collaborate around Risa. And yet I still feel icky inside. I still feeling uncomfortable inside. I still like I'm empty inside something is missing. And so I start to manipulate move things around even more. The rest of this paragraph talks about what's called what I like to think of as the toolkit of self-will. The late, wonderful, wonderful Charlie Parker talked about this toolkit of Self-Will and it talks about in trying to make these arrangements, our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing. And again, this doesn't go into these huge life dilemmas. this goes into like small little things that happen on a daily basis. You know, I'm a mother of two young children, eight and 10. So the first thing is I need them to do what I want them to do. So what do I do? I start sticker charts. I start giving prizes. I started giving rewards. I start bribing them, you know, and that's, I mean, I don't know if you've ever done that. Nice mommy. This is nice. Mommy. If you just do whatI tell you, if you just do this. If you just do that, I'll get you this candy. I'll get youthis gift. I'l take you out to this thing. And that's not working. They're still not doing it. Theyre still not listening. And so nice mommy goes away and outcomes rageful screaming mommy, you know, get up to your room. You're never coming out of here until you do what I tell you you have to do. You know, you're, you know, just like vengeful, angry. I take them personally. Like it's, you Know, I start instead of the good stuff, I'm giving them the consequences and you're not going to be able to do this. And I'm taking your toys away from you. And I am doing this and that, you Now, and it's again, it's this toolkit of self-will. On the other hand, as I was saying, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits. And I just continue to flip-flop as I need it to go. I'm nice until I'm not getting what I want. And then I turn to mean until I am not getting what I am wanting. And then move to nice and then to mean and then I am nice. And it just goes back and forth like that over and over and over again. what usually happens the show doesn't come off very well he begins to think life doesn't treat him right he decides to exert himself more he becomes on the next occasion still more demanding or gracious as the case may be still the play does not suit him and here's the thing This makes it sound like what I want doesn't happen. And there are times in my life where what I want has exactly happened as I planned it. All of the players have been exactly where they needed to be. Everybody has used the script that I have in my head for them. All of The Lights are right where they're supposed to be, and the music is perfect. And yet it still doesn't come out the way I want it to. And it's still, I feel this uncomfortability, this unease in my soul. I still have the self-pity. I still feel just like this worthless piece of human at times because my problem isn't all of that stuff. It's not all that stuff. I'm going to skip a little bit down. It says he becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Yeah. I need you to do this show the way I want you to because I need to feel good and comfortable inside. And if you're not doing this the way that I want you to do it, I'm not going to feel uncomfortable, I don't care so much about you in this play. I just need you to do it as I want me to do. You know, it says is he not a victim of the delusion that he can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well. So the word victim in the 1930s meant duped or fooled. It didn't mean victim the way that we see it today. It meant dUPED or fooled and then the word rest means forcibly pull from a person's grasp. So what this is saying is am I not fooled of by the delusion that I can pull forcibly satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I only manage well. So I'm fighting for the satisfaction and happiness. I don't know about anybody else on here, but I know that when I'm fighting anything, I'm certainly not happy or satisfied. absolutely not but that's what i'm doing i just i need to get mine i need to get mind i deserve i got you know i deserve i i work so hard for this don't they see me like you know just hi i i i me me me me and don't you all see that, that this is just, this is what I need from you. You know it goes into on page 62, it starts to talk about what our real problem is. You'll hear, you know, here I am an Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm at step three. We've just talked about what alcoholism is. We're talking about We've just talked about the problem that I have absolutely no control over my drinking. We have absolutely, we've talked about not being able to manage the decision to stop drinking and that maybe there's another, you know, another solution that I haven't tried yet. And then on 62, it comes here and it tells me what my problem is. and it doesn't say alcohol in the whole paragraph at all. It says selfishness and self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles. That's the root of my troubles. And I like to, I'd like to I heard another speaker once and she talked about how she likes to think of herself like this tree, you know, and I like to think Of the tree too. I really like this three idea. And especially because when we read in Bill's story, we talk about how he talks about how Ebby's roots grasped a new soil. So it talks about that selfishness to self-centeredness is the root of my problem. So if I always am going to have these selfish self-centered roots and they're grasping the me soil, they're not doing so well. But maybe just maybe if I find another soil for them to grasp. They'll be fed by something else other than Risa's ego, you know? And so I like that thing. And so, I think of these roots and then I think of this trunk of a tree and out from it stems these branches. And later in the fourth step, it starts to talk about resentment, fear, conduct, our sex conduct, and that those are those are the manifestations of self that it talks about. And so I think about this tree and I think of these roots. And then I think Of these branches is like fear, and resentments, and, and, you know, this, this conduct inventory. And I look at those, and it says, driven, you know, driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. So those hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self pity, those show up as my defects of character, you know? So off of all of these branches of manifestation of self from resentment and fear and how I conduct myself around other people are these defects of characters. Those are, I think of the leaves, you Know, these little leaves just all around my tree. You know, and those are these, these just the defects of character. And, and, um, those are the, those Are the things that I've picked up along my life, trying to live life in self-propulsion, you know, trying to Live Life to suit my needs, you know? And, And, Those are those things that have picked up these quote unquote tools that I've utilized to get what I need done because I haven't ever, I have never learned any other tools. I've never learned many other ways. So that's these leaves. And it says that driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self pity. So between fear or driven and self propulsion, I just, I think of myself as like this rowboat with this engine on the back and I just pulling off. I go, you know, like off I go and I don't know where I'm going to end up going, but I'm driven there and it's going and I'm just all over the place and I'll just land wherever I land. And usually it's on your toes. I didn't mean to end Up on your Toes, but it is on your toes. And then you're angry with me and I Don't see that I've done anything wrong. You know, I'm Just trying to get my, you Know, my needs met here. And now you're Angry at me. So I, I don't, I don'T like how that looks. So now I'm mad at you. You know, it, it makes sense to me. It says sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation. You Know, like I said, I'm blind to this. I'm absolutely blind to my selfishness. I, I, you know, there are times I've been doing step work. I've been doing inventory. I I've been doing this long enough where, where I am a lot more awake than I used to be. I'm a lot more awake and I'm able to see it either in the moment of it happening or after I, I, I still have a hard time seeing the before, you know, like let's take a pause, you know, I'm practicing that pause. It's going to be a practice probably for the rest of my life to pause before making decisions or opening my mouth when upset and frustrated. But, but I, I don't see it. I'm in this, you know, like, and when I'm walking around and I, and I'm just living life on self-propulsion, I'm not, I're not seeing my selfishness. I'm seeing how life can be better for you. And for me, if you just do what I ask you to, or just do it as I say, but I just, I, I'm so blind to it when it's happening. You know, I I'm so blinded to it. Um, and, uh, it doesn't, and then you come back at me and I'm like, what just happened? Like, you know, like I, you Know what, like I'd startled awake all of a sudden and I don't know what just happen, but I'm going to be upset with you for it. You know, um, there's a funny story. So, so as I said, I thought that selfishness and self-centeredness was would, would go away. Um, but that, that wasn't something for me anymore. And, um, after I've done the steps and, and after I I've, I've had this spiritual awakening and in this, in the 12th step, I thought one also, I also thought you only had one spiritual awakening. Um? And, uh, and that would keep you going for the rest of your sobriety in life. But yeah, so I was going through this third step and I really like was having a new experience with it. And I, it was so small, I was making dinner and I, you know, at the time I was very selflessly making dinner for my family. My husband likes when I cook and I had found a new recipe and I was very happy to make this recipe. AndIi was very excited about, you know, giving him something that he, that would make him happy. And we sat down at the dinner table and, and he, he picked up the fork and he took a bite of, of a side dish. And I was very upset because I made the main meal and he wasn't tasting it the way that I needed him to taste it right then and there he wasn'T ready yet. AndI was getting very upset by this. And so he picked up, um, a side dish and I just stare at him. I haven't even touched my food yet. The kids are there. I haven'T talked to them. I'm just literally glaring at him across the table. And I, and I even looked at him, I said, you're tasting the wrong part. And so he finally, he picks up the, the, the knife and fork and he cuts in and was chicken and he picks it up and he, he takes a bite of the chicken and He didn't, he didn't go, Oh my gosh, this is amazing right away. he didn't do it at all. He was like, Hmm, this is good. And as I said, he, he doesn't tell me, he doesn'T do the script I've planned out for him in my head. Like the script is that he puts that in his mouth and he jumps for joy and tells me it's the most amazing chicken he's ever had in his whole entire life. And he'll never be able to eat chicken ever again, unless it's my chicken that I just made him. And that's not what he said. What he said is, Hmm, that's it. And I was, I couldn't even eat my, my spiritual, I was so sick in my stomach. I couldn'T eat. I started to like holding the tears. It was, it was ridiculous. It Was absolutely ridiculous. I, I ended up just sitting there. Everybody's trying to have a wonderful family meal and I'm just sitting in there seething in my seat over this. And I'm just, just so disgusted by the way that he reacted. I can't eat dinner with my kids and all of it. I just, I just get up finally after 10 minutes of sitting there and I go up to my bedroom and cry over. I mean, and it's so small, so small. And I call my sponsor up and I'm raving. Like, I'm just, can you believe him? And she just gets just very calmly. And she goes, you are so selfish. I'm like, what are you talking about? I made him this meal. He was there. Like I made Him this meal to enjoy it. And She's like, yeah, you made him a meal to enjoy and you wouldn't let him just enjoy it the way he wanted to enjoy it. You needed a certain reaction. You need him to follow this way that you had in your head because you really weren't thinking about him. You were thinking about the reaction and validation you were going to get from making him this meal. And I about fell on the floor. My jaw dropped, I fell on the floor and it just hit me as to how even in the tiniest details of life that all I can think of is me. And it made this step so much louder and so much more clearer. and she's like, I can't believe you ruined your family meal because he didn't give you the reaction you. What about your children? Did you get to find out how their day was? Did you ask your husband how his day was did you even talk as a family? I was like no and she was like I can'T like she she just and it just hit me between the eyes so hard that on a daily basis in the smallest minute places of my life, you know, it's not that I always think I'm the greatest or I'mthe worst. It's just I only think about Risa. You know, it's all I think about. And so that moment, that moment so small yet so clear hit me so much harder about how badly and desperately I needed a relationship with this power greater than myself. Because in and of myself, I am unable to be selfless or yeah, selfless. I'm unable to get rid of these character defects. I cannot just wake up in the morning and be like, yep. Okay. I'm not going to be angry today. Yep. Okay, I'm not going be selfish today. Yeah. Okay? I'm gonna be you know, one of God's soldiers. Yep, okay, I am going to put everybody else before myself. I can't do that. I cannot do that in and of myself. And when I that hit me so hard, and I realize the only thing that was going to be able to help me was a power greater than myself. The only thing, that could help me do that was God. So when I got down to this bottom paragraph on page 62, where it said, this is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work next. We decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was goingto be our director. He is the principal, we are his agents, he is the father, we are his children. I was finally able to open up and realize how deeply that decision was that I needed to make. You know, this is just a decision. And at first it was a decision when I first took this step, it was a decision to go on the rest of the with the rest of the steps. Every other time that I've made this decision, it's been a decision to continue to build my relationship with a higher power because one spiritual experience is not going cut it for this chick. One quick high to God is not gonna do it. I need a relationship with that higher power that I have built and believed in. And I have faith in that higher power that even when my life is going bad, it's going just the way that God wants it to go. That even if life doesn't look like it's Reese's way or the highway, that it is absolutely necessary for me to be in whatever pain, whatever hurt, whatever happiness, whatever growth, whatever freedom I'm supposed to be there because my life today revolves around God and God's children. The promises that are on 63, the third step promises talk about we become less and less interested in ourselves. And I found that to be true. The more inventory that I do, the more nightlies I continue to do, the more 10th steps, the 11th steps that the trying to do these principles in all my affairs, the More I become less than less, I'm never going to be rid of this selfishness and self-centeredness but I can always have the opportunity to build and grow my relationship with this higher power and on a daily basis where I heard all those people in meetings say I do step three on a day-to-day basis I wake up and make the decision that again today is going to be the day. God is the director. I am not, I'm going to follow the directions of God today. God is The Parent. I'm just the child. You know, I am, he's my employer. I have to make that decision on a daily basis so that I continue to be of service and usefulness to those about me. and i do that so i can i can stay free and happy in my sobriety today i haven't thought about a drink in in three years now i've been continually doing the the step work and i've been continually building that relationship with god but on a daily basis i need to make that decision that i want that relationship with god and that i can't do this by myself thanks Wow, so powerful. Thank you so much, man. I took a whole page of notes. I am I'm growing and thank you for being a part of that reset. Thank you so much. Okay, go ahead and close the meeting and then we can chat afterwards. Eric, would you put up a vision for you, and may I have a reader to read a vision for you? All right. I'll read it. Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. the answers will come if your own house is in order but obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got see to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others this is the great fact for us abandon yourself to god as you understand god admit your faults to him and to your fellows clear away the wreckage of your past give freely of what you find what you found and join us we shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny may God bless you and keep you until then again Risa thank you so much we will close with the Lord's prayer my father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom the power and the glory forever and ever amen thank you racer that was so good i'm just