The Bondage of Self and the Mirror He Couldn’t Look Into – John M.

About This Speaker Tape

December 31, 1989. A cheap hotel room in Weymouth filled with fast food wrappers and the smell of stale vodka. John M. woke up in the wreckage of a life spent avoiding mirrors because he hated the man looking back. For years, he lived in the bondage of self—an egomaniac with an inferiority complex who felt like a piece of crap while fighting for a reputation he didn't have. He describes a childhood of flying furniture and a father who was a "well-balanced alcoholic," making it impossible to play catch.

From pumping gas to nearly ending it all in a Vermont cemetery, John traces the "spiritual loss of values" that led him to Father Bill’s Place. He speaks of the "veil" between himself and reality, and the Higher Power that interrupted his death. Now, he carries a 24-hour chip and a picture of his daughter, relying on the simplicity of the steps to stay free from the mental prison of his own making.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 John M. introduces himself and his home group, A Vision for You.
• 5:15 Laughter: Discussion of the 24-hour chip and the 'Alka-Seltzer' joke.
• 12:40 Childhood memories of furniture flying out windows and the silence surrounding family trauma.
• 18:20 The 'Tango' drink and the first experience of euphoria and blackouts.
• 25:10 Discussion of the 'bondage of self' and the mental prison of inferiority.
• 32:45 The 'drunken teacher' phase and getting fired from the post office.
• 41:10 The bottom: Waking up in a hotel in Wayman during a blizzard with fast food wrappers everywhere.
• 48:30 Mention of the South Shore Halfway House and the influence of Don.
• 55:20 Working the 12 Steps with Stuart C. and the importance of the Fourth Step.
• 62:15 The Third Step decision and turning his will over to a Higher Power.
• 68:40 His current role as a program manager at a recovery home for men.
• 75:00 Closing thoughts on the power of the 12 Steps and the Big Book.