The Bondage of Self and the Mirror He Couldn’t Look Into – John M.

Please help me welcome John, our speaker, from Quincy, Massachusetts. His home group is A Vision for You. John? Everybody, I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of A Vision for You, and my name is John. Hi, John. Hi, everybody. My actual home group is the 373 out of North Quincy on Thursday nights. I also joined A Vision for You a few years ago when I found out a few years ago about solution-based meetings, and it's really changed my life. A couple things. We have a five-minute meditation to get you prepared, and I'm not nervous. The thing of it is, for me, is... I want to deliver the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, not the message of John. I'd like to thank the people of Quakertown for inviting us, welcoming us, more than we could ever ask for. I mean, we were told that, you know, we're grateful that we came up, and, you know, it's a privilege. It's an honor. It's a pleasure to be asked to speak anywhere. I don't personally care whether it's Quincy Point on Wednesday night. No. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. If it was Quakertown, Pennsylvania, or Quakertown, Pennsylvania, I was told to never say no, if the opportunity was presented. I appreciate the opportunity, the pleasure of meeting Jeff and his road dog, Dave, when they came down to Quincy. And because I never travel alone, I brought a couple of my own road dogs. And they're important, and it's just a terminology. They actually are my group members. And even more so than my friends. And I'd like John to stand up. John, stand up, please, so people know who you are. Okay? And Billy. They're very much an important part of my recovery. I carry the big book, and it's got a little use out of it, and I hope it's going to have a lot more use out of it. But more so than I'm not a real quoter. I like to read, so I don't get the words wrong. I know where to find it, which is important to me. But the message of God to me, and I mean, I make no bones about it. I'm here to talk about the solution, and that means I'm going to talk about God. It means I'm going to talk about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not going to talk about my drinking. I don't think it's all that important. I won't get anybody drunk. I won't. I won't keep anybody sober, and I'm certainly not going to impress anybody. I believe that when people get to Alcoholics Anonymous for whatever reason, we've all learned how to drink and use other substitutes. And I have, and out of respect for Alcoholics Anonymous, I'll try to keep it to alcohol, which is my main drug of choice. First of all, I'd like to welcome everybody here on behalf of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's your first meeting. You relapsed and you came back. Whatever the case may be, I'd like to talk about, and I may jump around. I'd like to. I'd like to talk about some of the mistakes that I made sober. There's a lot of them. I don't know what they do around here. This is, anybody can't see this. That's a 24-hour chip. That's all that I carry in my pocket. It's all I've ever carried in my pocket. My sobriety date is January 1st, 1990. And it was taught by some very wise people that the longest recorded sobriety on record was 24 hours, and the rest of it was all experience. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I have 22 years of experience. What do you think about me if I take a drink an hour from now? You know? And I say to people, and it's not a test, you think I care what you think about me? And the reason I say that, that's what's in alcohol for me. When I don't care about me, I don't care about anybody else. And I don't ever want to forget that. Another wise old-timer always said, carry it with you, kid. If you throw it into your drink, if you find a drink in front of you and it breaks up like Alka-Seltzer, you can drink like a normal person. I've never known what that word normal meant, and I don't care. I'm going to find out now. For me, I'm an intelligent guy, and that wasn't a bonus when I got here. I didn't know how to simplify things that were simplified for me. Simple, John. Uncomplicated. Don't drink, you can't get drunk. Got to be more to it than that. As opposed to easy, meaning no effort, which they told me my recovery was never going to be. It will get easier, they told me, and they didn't lie. But it's the simplicity of the things that I've learned that have kept me coming a day at a time. I like who I am. I said I never travel alone. I bounce around a little bit. I usually travel. I always bring a couple of things with me. I always have my big book with me. My 24-hour book is in the bag. Picture of my daughter is always with me and God. And those are the four things that are always with me. Always. Always, always, always with me. Otherwise, you're going to hear the message of John. I've already been to the bathroom three times, and it's not because I'm nervous. I drink a lot of water, and that will be explained in my story a little bit later on. My immune system is not where it used to be. But let me start with a couple of things that I like to read, because it's important for me to get me grounded about what I want to pass on as the message to alcoholics and others. I'm going to read a book called Alcoholics Anonymous. In case nobody ever told you, it's okay to highlight and write in the margins and everything, break the binding and do whatever you get to do as long as you don't drink. In the foreword to the first edition, we have Alcoholics Anonymous and more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. Bless you. In chapter four, we agnostics. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves. Obviously, not to me. But where and how are we to find this power? Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself, which will solve your problem. That means we have written a book, which we believe to be spiritual, as well as moral, and it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God. And the last one is really important to me. My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said, and how appalling the truth of the alcoholic. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through, work and self-sacrifice with others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us, it is just like that. And those are the things that are near and dear to me, as well as a lot of other things in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was born in the city of Quincy to a very good family. I know now I got older and taller. I actually grew up in the Quincy, but it was a lot of years later. Didn't know what, this is the only time I usually use the word. What happened in my household had to be normal, because what I saw, I kind of kept to myself. That's the way I was told when I was getting older and taller. And I didn't go share it with the other kids. I was in elementary school and junior high, so I thought it was normal that, you know, mothers and fathers slept in different beds in different rooms, and furniture was flying out the window, but you weren't supposed to talk about problems in the house. And it's just the way it was. Excuse me. I always talk about when I share my story, I'm telling you about my perception of my life in my family. If you asked my mother, my father, my older brother Bob, my younger brother Steve, my younger sister Patty, you would have a lot different perceptions. I guarantee it. It was people just like yourselves that helped me to understand that what I was talking about was the way I felt. And I didn't know much about that. How are you feeling, John? Good, bad, fine, okay, all right. Thanks for asking. None of which I didn't know at the time were feelings. And so on it went, and that's just the way it was. I remember things like wanting my dad to go out and play catch with me. You have brothers. You have balls. You have bats. Go. Go play catch with your brothers. My younger brother was my best friend. My older brother and I didn't really get along. But I didn't want to play catch with my brothers. I wanted to play catch with my dad. It took me to become an alcoholic for God to interrupt my death, for me to get to Alcoholics Anonymous and pay attention and learn to simplify things, for me to come to grips with the disease of my alcoholism, to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and to learn to forgive me. And that's when I understood the disease of alcoholism that my father had. It's really hard to play catch with your son when you're a well-balanced alcoholic. And I knew all about that from my alcoholism, but I didn't know that because I didn't know what alcoholism was. And, you know, so things went the way they went. And, you know, just the family. My older brother was always in trouble. My younger brother was a star athlete. I was a great student, above average athlete, middle child. You know, any attention was better than no attention. Boy, I acted up, and I got more attention than I wanted, and none of it was of the kind I was looking for. There was always a crowd I wanted to hang around with. You know, one kid was a crowd. I was a cool kid. The other kid was, like, all buffed in, like, sixth grade. He'd been lifted to weights and everything. And, you know, this crowd. And just to tell you a little snippet, I was the kid that was trying to be in with this crowd. And back then, and I'm not as young as I used to be, one would get behind me and bend over. The other one would push me over. They'd grab my shoe or sneak or whatever, run back in the school and flush it in the urinal. And you talk about insanity. I went back, and I tried to get in with these guys again the next day. And the next day. And the next day. And that's as early on as I can remember having this big hole that I tried for so many years to fill with so many different things. Because, again, one of the greatest statements I ever heard, I didn't know what I didn't know. I didn't know what I didn't know. And so I tried to figure it all out in my head, which was pretty alcoholic at that point in time, and I couldn't do that. And life went on. It's not all that important. I can remember my first drink, and as my higher power, who I choose to call God, has a great sense of humor. I took my very first drink, bought my very first drink right outside of Vision Field at the package store across the street. I was waiting at the church steps of the meeting hall that we now have. Went around the corner. It was a bottle of Tango. And, yes, it's a gentleman's grin. I'm saying he knows what it is. It's supposed to be orange juice, and it's not. It's supposed to be vodka, and it's not. But it's a facsimile. And at that time, I would have told you that it made things all right, and I couldn't tell you to this day what was wrong when I took that drink. I mean, I just didn't know. And it went down, and it tasted horrible, and I have never liked the taste of liquor. And it came up like an atom bomb, and then... And, you know, whoo-hoo! Everything was okay. And all euphoria. I didn't even know what that was at that point in time. And what I learned years later was I got sick. I blacked out. I passed out. Got in a fight with my old younger brother, who was my best friend and our best friend. There was a girl involved, and I tried to get over on Mom and Dad. I was very involved in school. I was about 13, which is the legal age for drinking in Quincy, so they say. I was involved in school, and I didn't drink that often. And it really didn't have the means. It really wasn't that important to me. And I remember now what my first resentment was. There's two ways if you haven't heard that. The old school is resentment is for a drink of poison for somebody else and drinking it for yourself. And new school is, which is very appropriate for my story, it's like wetting your pants. You're the only one that feels it. And I say that not to be comical, but I haven't wet my pants since I've been sober, and I'm proud to be able to say that. But I don't want to forget that I wet my pants without even thinking about it when I was drinking because you're not supposed to lose control of your bodily functions. And I'm talking about my 30s. You know, that used to be embarrassing. But once you've come to grips and you've done the work, you can't hurt me with stuff I've already come to grips with. And that's powerful to me. That's really powerful to me because what you thought always meant so much more than what I thought because I was a piece of crap. I was never going to mount anything. And I always say to people now, I lied to me. And it's not what I wear, and it's not what I drive, and it's not what I live, and it's not what I do for a living. It's that I walk down the street and I'm free. I'm free from the bondage of self. The bondage of self. I've been in prison, and I've never been in prison more than when I walked the streets of Quincy or anywhere else, and these bars were always around my mind. I'm a piece of crap, and I'm never going to mount anything. And then if you don't know, if you've never heard an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, I'll define it for you. I'm a piece of crap that's never going to mount anything, and you call me an a-hole. That's an upgrade as I look at it, but I'm going to fight you for the reputation I just told you myself I didn't have. That's exactly alcoholism. The sick don't know they're sick. And that's exactly where I was. I got older on college. First resentment. I went to junior high school, and I was very into school, and I wanted to go to Boston College High School and probably on to B.C., and I wanted to go into business. They screwed up my guidance. My guidance counselor screwed up my transcripts. Again, my perception. Remember, folks, what I'm talking. I'm talking my perception. You might want to check with somebody else. And I ended up at the local high school, North Quincy High, the public school. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with it. I went to North Quincy High, but my aspirations and my goals were higher. Even when drinking, my goals and aspirations were higher. And alcohol didn't call that shot. I went on to school, and I did very well. I was a little overweight when I was growing up. I dropped a lot of weight. I started playing three sports. I became popular. Popular's not all it's cracked up to be. My daughter and I talk about it all the time. She doesn't strive to be popular, and I love her for it. Because when you break the chain of addiction, and you feel like you're going to die, you can help your family. You can help your family members from what scares me more than anything, and that's called untreated addiction. And that's where I act like I used to without pouring alcohol into my system. And because I'm an alcoholic, and her mother is an alcoholic, both in recovery, thank you God, she has the potential to have the isms inside of her. And she can get very much misinformed from her dad, from her mom, from society. Okay. We're talking on the way down. Very spiritual talk, right up to the city limits of Quincy, and then spiritually kind of went out the window. If you've never done a road trip, you've got to do it. Because, I mean, we're not perfect. We're just human beings, and we like to laugh when it comes from the belly. Not when you're laughing because maybe you'll get a little bit more something, something from somebody, you know, because you're laughing at them. My sponsor always says that all I had up was a big veil. Between me and reality. You know, they just didn't know what I didn't know. And I went on, and I, you know, I excelled at school. I did very well when I was getting out early for sports and everything. And then my alcoholism took a real vicious turn for me. And I was going to school for academics, and my main sport was soccer. And I had great grades and didn't have the college boards. And I ended up, my alcoholism started making choices for me. And I was chasing my friends around to different schools. And I ended up at, I ended up two weeks before at a state school for, it was a teacher's school, and I wanted business. Alcohol made that choice. And then it was just crazy. Absolutely crazy there. Mom and dad are out of the life, you know, Blizzard is 78, no professor from school is going to come chase me down the frat house. Total insanity of alcoholism. I learned how to cheat in college. Not proud of that, but I know. I learned how to tell the truth today. I, um, I love people. And I've always loved little people. Back then, I loved the little people because I didn't want to talk to the big people. They talked the language I didn't know how to talk. You know, so I'd always be in the sandbox playing with the little kids because John's never going to measure up. Now when I go play in the sandbox, it's because I want to be in the sandbox, digging with those kids. I get to make the choices today, being free from the bondage of me. Graduated from college and first one in the family and vicious night the night before. I remember that look. You don't have to describe that look to anybody in this room from my father. And I left college with a teaching degree. I was about 22 years old chronologically. And I was back at about 13, fearing everything in my life. I went on and I worked in the teaching profession for a short time. And, uh, good maintenance, drinking. Never wrapped a job, but I liked booze plenty of times. Told myself that good alcoholic half-truth. The kids deserved better. They did. But there were no mirrors in my house. What about the drunken teacher? And I ran and I ran. And I worked for a stock-broken firm. I worked for a major insurance company. And in case you don't know, you can get fired from the post office. You have to work at it, but you can do it. They said, we like you, John. You do a great job. But we, our guys, work five days a week, not three. They changed the pay date because of me and one other person. Not fantasy, fact. I was told that after the fact. Still didn't get me there. First opportunity, he said to me, EAP, Employees Assistance Program. I live in Randolph. I'm not going to self-post along my night off to go to AA. What are you kidding me? And I said, good, have a nice career. We don't know where it's going to be, but it ain't going to be here. And I ended up pumping gas. God has a sense of humor right outside my home group, 373. And I swear my mom came to that gas station just to let me know what she was feeling about her son and how proud she was of me and my accomplishments. I don't want to get into it too much. Suffice to say, what I really want to talk about in this few instances is, I suffered from this phenomenon of craving. I picked up a drink. I took a drink. Old school, I took a drink, the drink took a drink, the drink took me. And it was all over. Powerlessness a long time ago, just never understood it. Fighting for my right to drink. Because before, well, quite a while ago, but before I was introduced to AA and some years after, I would have told you, I remember hearing a friend of mine, Sharon, say, thank God for alcohol, it was the only thing holding me together. I thought she was out of her mind. I now know what she meant. If nobody's told you alcohol is not the problem, that was John's solution to the way I felt. I put the veil up, go into fantasy land, and everything's okay. Problem was, I kept coming to. I couldn't drink enough, long enough, hard enough to stay out of reality. No defense against that. Next, suck a drink and I would just drink again because that's all I could do. Stop drinking because I blacked out, passed out, grown out. I don't say that to be funny. It's actually what happened. People would, I'd fuck. I'd fuck. I'd go to borrow money. People, I got sober and people said bar tabs. I said, what? What's that? I used to borrow 20 bucks and the guy would say, I'll give you 20 bucks. Go drink somewhere else. You do that with about four or five guys, I don't care where I drink. Man, I got 100 bucks. That's more than the starter kit for this drunk. And the problem with all of that is after the fact, being sober, I found out that I'm a pretty well-liked person. When sober. Which was never back then. You know. Completely different. I had a great personality change, although I was the last one to know it. I work with people today. And I said, there's some change going on and they see things like I don't see it. I said, well, stand in front of a mirror for the next three to five days and check and see what you expect to see. You're not going to see any change. Others are going to see the change. You'll have to wait until you feel it. And when you feel it, I guarantee you'll be looking around and it'll only be you. And if you listen to what I'm saying. You'll be able to see it. And your higher power is going to be a really creepy feeling. Because we're not the type of people that give ourselves positive affirmation. Love you, babe. That doesn't happen to my mirror, let me tell you. That's because, as I told you, there were no mirrors in my house. Because I didn't like what was looking back at me. Once I picked up the drink, physical compulsion. I told you when I stopped drinking and that was it. I was like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I heard one was too many and a thousand was never enough. And I heard it the other way around just a few years ago. I think I can work both ways. I just didn't have a defense against it. I had the mental obsession where I would go to work, punch in at 8.30, and I'd guarantee you that I gave that boss eight hours of good work. And I couldn't think about anything but the next drink at 8.30 as I'm punching in. There's no possible way I could have given him eight for eight. But I didn't know that because I didn't know what I didn't know. Spiritual loss of values is good for everybody. I love what my buddy John says. The lineage here, I sponsor John, John sponsors Billy. And that's the way this works around here. We're all equals. We all have a 24-hour shift. That's all it really matters. And John says when he was going out and he said he was going to the movies and he told his mom he was going to the movies and he lied because he wasn't going to the movies. Spiritual loss of values. Spiritual loss of values. Lying. And then lying to tell lies. Instance, beautiful one. Go drinking, always blacked out. Got to work the next day. I'm working for Blue Cross Blue Shield. And a good alcoholic does when he blows off a significant other. He thinks. So I think and I think and I call her up. And the other thing I always do when drinking, and I can do a pretty good soba too, is talk. And I start talking and I'm talking and I'm telling this great story. Probably went on about 12 minutes. And I finally shut my mouth. And her exact words were, you forgot you called me last night? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Aw. Oh! Oh! Aw. Aw. Oh. Aw. Oh! Oh. Oh! That means the removal of a toxin from your system, a toxin meaning a poison. And if you suffer from a physical, mental, and spiritual disease called alcoholism, you've been to a mental institution. You can glorify it any way you want, but you've been to a mental institution. And if you went more than once, that's insanity. Because you're now pouring a poison into your system, and you're down with it. But the key is, I'm not here to judge anybody else. The key is, remember, you don't know what you don't know. Until you know it, and then you can't use that as an excuse anymore. I went along my merry way, and we were talking about it earlier. I have marks on my wrist because I was not really a big fan of myself. I went up to Rutton, Vermont to end it all. These guys are like, Rutton, why? I'm like, why not? I like Vermont. Who knows? I'm insane. Loaded up. Loaded up with whatever. Plenty of money. Ended up being another vain attempt. Walked back from Rutton, Vermont, basically. Went down to the cemetery looking for my grandmother's grave. Couldn't even do that right. Just had a mental and emotional and spiritual breakdown in the cemetery. Didn't stop me from drinking. January 31st, excuse me, December 31st, 1989, I find myself in the no-tell mode. I'm a hotel in Wayman. Came to and there were rappers from like three different fast food restaurants. A blizzard going on outside. I don't know if I left or I didn't leave. Took a plug off the last bottle that I drank to date of cheap vodka. Put all my worldly possessions in my bag and tucked my tail between my legs and walked back to Quincy to I don't know what. Remembered in the insanity somewhere a lucid moment of reading a place of a place called Father Bill's Place. It's a shelter for homeless people. And outside of the old bargain center that used to be in Quincy Center, there was a pay phone. Yes, I am dating myself. Put a dime in that pay phone. Now I'm really dating myself. Called him up in some kind of person and said, if you can get down here, we'll give you a bed. And if we're full, we'll give you an overflow card at St. John's Church. And I said that phone was probably, if it was still there, it would be swinging. Never had a chance to hang it up. I was one terrified. I was terrified. 33-year-old by my birthday. 13-year-old mentally and emotionally and spiritually. And these kind people helped me out and set me on my way. And we devised a plan of recovery back for me and shelters nowadays at Father Bill's Place. I go there all the time. Counseling, housing, just things that were not around in the end of 1989, beginning of 1990. Just kind-hearted people patting me on the back. We made a plan. They said, we have a perfect treatment place for you. And I said, great. They said, it's called AA. One of the appendices in the back of the big book, this one I know, not word for word, but what I had was contempt prior to investigation, which means I didn't know what AA had to offer me, but I ain't going. Good alcoholic, stubborn that I was. No idea. No idea. That if this was my choice, and I'm not really sure, it was the greatest choice that I've ever made in my life. Because I met people like you. And the one thing I will talk about all the time, because I love to feel today, and I hope I never forget this, total strangers loved me when I hated myself. And I never want to forget that feeling. People just like you that I've never laid eyes on cared more about me. I don't know. I don't know more than my biological family, but it felt that way early on. Absolutely never fails to both put a smile and a tear on my heart. I met a gentleman a month's over. He was a month's over. I was still drinking around between Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was at the South Shore at the time, South Shore Halfway House for Alcoholic Men. Polar opposite. He had beard and beads and flannel shirts and John Deere. He had tractors and we were total opposites. I talked to him for a minute, a couple minutes, and I said, I want to drink with that guy. And he was going to meetings because that's what they do at the Halfway House. And a guy I met by the same name of Don told me later on that Don at the Halfway House was going to meetings like they did at the Halfway House, and he was looking for me because he thought that I was a guy he could relate to too. And I have that gentleman died a few years ago. I can't remember exactly when, the date, but I have not failed to say goodnight to him any night that I've gone to bed because that man means more to me than that man. In case you know what I'm talking about, that man was a conduit of God for me. And at Father Bill's place, these people were not going to me. There weren't many people down going to AA meetings. So at 10 o'clock in the morning, at the end of the morning meeting at the South Shore Halfway House for Alcoholic Men, if any of the gentlemen in the morning group from 9 to 10 looked out the window, they would have saw the back of his head sitting on the front porch because they were made to go to meetings. And those guys helped me to help me save my life. Thank you. Okay. I walked in the back of the hall of 373 for a second week. I don't know. Not my perception. I love when people tell you what went on in their first year. I thought I was overweight. They said I looked like a pencil. I had really long hair with a ball cap turned down. And I don't say this for humor, just as I'm doing now. I could tell these gentlemen what was on their feet, but I couldn't tell them the color of their eyes. And I don't say that to be humorous. It's a fact. They told me what to do, and I heard a gentleman that I respect so much today for his message of love and hope. And it was Jack the Marine, and he said, when it leaves my lips, it's a suggestion. When it hits your ears, it's a must. And there was probably more people than there were in this hall tonight in that hall, and I knew he was talking to me. My heart felt he was talking to me. People in 373 strongly suggested I do that, and I did it. And I went everywhere, and everything people said, and I don't know what the term is around here, but I try to pretty up my language, but around us, everything was said to me, and I was pissed off. Everything people said to me bugged the heck out of me, but I didn't drink. And then 365 days later, after crying almost every single day at everything, they handed me a chip that said I was a year sober, and I was the last one to know. That's about all I could tell you in my first year. I went on commitments. I did. I was asked, told, however you want to look at it, suggested. I was dying. I knew it, and I don't want to die anymore. I get down on my knees, and I'm trying to remember things that are important to me. My sponsor, Don, said to me, get down on your knees and ask a power greater than yourself to keep you away from a drink and a drug. And it was very simple. Keep me away from a drink and a drug. Don't let me hurt myself or another human being, and help me to do the next right thing. And I didn't try to figure out what the next right thing was. Because I think it always got me in a big problem. And it was simple. Second week, he said to me, I was having problems with obsession. He said, now I want you to get down on your knees and ask that power greater than yourself to remove the obsession of alcohol. And this was a big turning point for me. This disease is fear-based. For approximately six months, again, my perception, I didn't say a word. I went to open speaker meetings, and I heard, I'm obsessed, and I'm obsessed, and I'm obsessed, and I'm obsessed. And I went to my sponsor after about six months of my perception of believing this. And I said to him, Don, what's wrong with me? And he laughed, and he always used to laugh at me. And I said, this isn't funny. And he goes, you want a list? And I said, come on, I'm being serious. He goes, what now? I said, I'm going to meetings. And everybody's talking about obsession. And he said, yeah, what's the problem? And I said, I'm not. And he laughed even harder. Jeez. What is this? What is this? What is wrong with you people? It's not funny, Don. He said, it worked. I didn't know what I didn't know. He said, John, I'm not sponsoring these people. I don't know what people are telling them to do. But if you're an alcoholic like me, the moral of that is I didn't fit in out there, and now I don't fit in here. Why? Because I kept thinking. Because I didn't know enough to talk. I wasn't comfortable enough. I hated me. I hated myself. I wasn't comfortable with talking with other people. I just did what I was supposed to do. But that didn't mean I got well real quick. And I didn't realize. But I was terrified not to fit in with you people, because I definitely didn't fit out there with those normal people. Bless you. And on recovery went. And, you know, it was just Big Dave from Quincy, Mass. Says it all the time. Another graduate of the social halfway else for alcoholic men. Just do the drill. And it did the drill for a long time. And 17, 18 years of experience, 18 years of experience. Chase was just talking to me about it. No, we didn't recognize each other right off the bat. He asked me if I knew my gentleman by the name of Stuart Coleman. And I don't use my last name because Bill and Bob didn't. If you do, that's fine. I'm whatever works for you. Stuart uses his last name and told me it's okay to use his last name. Still. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. down with me. And we started to work. And we got to step four. You know, that dreaded step everybody has a problem with, but that's not really the problem. And he said, so when you write out your fourth step, and I was like, say what? See, my intention, I'm a genius. Don't forget that. 18 years over, I'm going to get the confidence. I'm not doing this work. You got this all wrong, Stuart. God intervened and he shut my mouth and I did the steps with Stuart and it changed my life. My friend Teresa always says, I'm not in the steps, the steps are in me. I say, I'm loving the steps today. I made an amend to a sister I hadn't talked to in 10 years. We sat down and talked in my office and never wrote down on the fourth step and got to the fifth step and I mentioned my little girl, who he knows I love dearly and my voice will always crack because I love that little girl. And he looked at me with a tear in his eyes and he said, I was wondering when you were going to bring her up. And it didn't have anything to do with her but what it had to do with her birth. And she didn't have anything to do with it. And just the things that opened up to me are absolutely amazing in the past four years. I now know that I will never knock an AWOL away in life if anybody doesn't know what it is. 12 steps, you can get together with males and females or males and females. And I knew then that now an AWOL had a start and it had a finish. And what that meant for John was, once August came or whatever, I only practiced the steps I wanted to and I forgot about the rest. And when Stuart and I were sitting in the office and I love movies. I'm drunk, I love movies. Taxi driver, you talking to me? No, it was me and Stuart baby. It was all I could be talking to was me. And I couldn't flex my muscles for the guys and I couldn't flex my muscles for the girls. I had to get regularly honest with stuff that I thought I was going to get better at. I never took big shots and I was told by other people. I'm not here to knock any other person that I did a good job with. John will tell me stuff that I don't want to hear. That's why he's my best friend. Everybody can tell you when you're doing real good. A best friend will tell you stuff that you don't want to hear. Because, see, I'm the subject of my alcoholism. I need you people. Because I'm not a believer of that lie, misconception or whatever, that I was the last one to know I was alcoholic. Not for me. But I do believe I will be the last one to know when I'm heading to pick up a drink. Because I will not be able to recognize my irritability, my discontent. Don't worry about it. It's okay. It happens all the time. It doesn't bother me. My sponsor always said, you know, I have tough ones ringing meetings because then you won't know why the person is so important. And I'm not saying that because of you. It's like it's life. What's the problem? The problem with this world is everybody wants to judge everybody else. And then I became alcoholic and threw a nasty twist on it because I love the misconceptions I hear from people at AA. I'm not judgmental. Really. When did you become inhuman? My sponsor said the greatest day that ever happened was although I judge everybody in the world to stop shooting up my mouth. And what was really, you know, and I love the humor, but the real gist of that story is it hurts me. Because I'm the only one that knows what's going on in my head and I don't want to judge you. But sometimes I don't have the defense if I'm not on the beam, as AA will say. This was the easiest thing in the world to jump in the car and drive six hours to come to Pennsylvania. To be able to have the privilege and the pleasure to allow God to use me as a conduit to speak to you because God interrupted my life, my death, excuse me, and said, you've been dying too long. How about starting to learn how to live, kid? You know, and I love, I've done all these. My favorite step, the third step. I made a decision. Made a decision. To turn my will and my life, my thoughts and my actions over to the care, best word in that statement, of my higher power because I, 22 years sober, aren't you impressed, don't know how to care for myself. I still have things that I want to learn. I don't know it all. If I know it all, I am in trouble and every one of you are in trouble because I'll become a tyrant to live with. I love learning. I love learning. I want to say my little girl, she's over 17 years old now. Never seen her mom or dad take a drink. Product of divorce. I would like to tell you that 10 years ago it was all upbeat, but her mom's got a couple more years of experience than I do. And we didn't like each other a real lot. Back 10 years ago, 11 years ago, we drove to divorce court together and we hammered it out. And we yelled and we did a couple of, did a little bit of our own therapy trying to hammer it out. And then it's just my sponsor said to me again, he said, you sound angry. He said, I am angry. He said, let me ask you something. One simple question. How long do you want to be angry? You know what? I didn't have an answer. The only answer I could come up with was I'm tired of being angry. And we worked it out. God has a sense of humor. God has a sense of humor. God has a sense of humor. God has a sense of humor. God has a sense of humor. God has a sense of humor and a plan. Every time I say I want, God laughs. It could be good, positive, healthy, unhealthy. It doesn't matter. I want, God will laugh. At the same time, I was sitting down with Stuart in my office doing these 12 steps. Karen was sitting down with Jill doing the 12 steps. And her husband, my daughter's stepfather, was sitting down with Tony Mills doing the 12 steps all at the same time. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. And that means I don't have to save anybody in this world. It means I don't know the best. I will show you what was freely shown to me. And the only way I can show it to you is the way it was shown to me. In sobriety, I was married to a beautiful woman. We haven't been married or lived together in 11 years. She's still a beautiful woman. And I'm talking about, yeah, you can see her. She's beautiful. But when you get to know her, she's beautiful. See, this is what, I don't care what I know. I care what I know. That's what's important to me. When I'm ready to take a risk, it goes here. This will screw me up every single time because that's where my disease lives. It centers right in my brain. You know? And we don't live together. We owned our own home. I don't anymore. I drove brand new SUVs. I don't. And I made a lot more money than I did before. And I don't. The only thing that I have today is I have, well, a lot of things. But I have God. And I have a job. I, for the last seven and a half years, I work at Wichita, the South Shore Recovery Home for men with addiction, not just alcoholics. I've been the program manager. I run the day-to-day operations for the last six and a half years. I work hard. I get paid squat. And I love what I do because I'm not in the outcome business. I'm not in the outcome business. All I do is deliver some structure. And some discipline to people that they call residents. And they call clients. And I and my staff, we call them gentlemen. Because that's what they are. And to watch them grow. Just what this says. This gentleman I was just talking to outside that's had a relapse. And he said, welcome. Mistakes and recovery. How was it? Did it get any better? Huh? You want to talk to this face? That's what we do, folks. If you're honest, that's what we do. You know, I just went out and my mind's telling me I don't fit in here. It's going to be heck coming back here. And then you're going to run into a guy like me doing that. Hey, guilty as charged. But thank God it was a lot of years ago. I know today that I make, I learn more from the mistakes that I make than what I do correctly. So I'm grateful for all the mistakes. I'm grateful that I'm the most perfect and perfect John McKenna. I'm the face of the earth. And I just didn't know it. There's a group in South Boston and I love it. Sober is better. That's sober. S-O-B-A-H if you're not from Massachusetts. We don't use ours. I've been drunk and I've been sober and sober is a lot better. Part of it is I don't remember drunk. But I do remember sober. I live life a day at a time. I have a routine. It's very, very healthy. I wake up. Great way to start the day as an alcoholic. I haven't come to in over 22 years. And I'm only saying that and I was told to say that. If you're hearing I'm 22 years sober, you're missing it. I'm sober today. I have 22 years of experience. But it is a fact. It's my sober date unless I choose. There's the key. I will never choose to pick up a drink again. What you believe is your business. I'm powerless. And I'm never going to get the power back again. What I choose to do is wake up, read my 24-hour book for direction, roll over, get on my knees after having made that decision, and give my will, which I take back shortly thereafter. Okay, so you've all been, thank you. If that didn't go over, I would have felt really alone. An imperfect, perfect human being. And I go about my business and you know what? Most days I don't hurt myself. I don't hurt another person. I do the next right thing. And I try to help another person. You know, what can I do for you today? I don't give up on people today. Let people give up on people. I don't give up on people. Be sober for me is to be sober. Be sober for me. Be sober for me is to love people today. I don't even know you and I have no problems telling you I love you. I'm a hugger. I hug as many guys as I can because I didn't get it from my father. Maybe I'll have compensation. I don't care. I love people and you people and AA gave that back to me. I feel like I'm more enthusiastic than I was when I came around. You people gave that to me. If you think it's about a triple, six hours, it has nothing to do with it. You know, there are some really solid people in here. Let me tell you, I'm a big fan of the people in here. I'm a big fan of the people in here. I'm a big fan of the people in here. I'm a big fan of the people in here. I'm a big fan of the people in here. I can't get myself out of that tight. I can't get myself out of that tight. Let me start naming names now. I'm kidding. We've been welcomed. We've been welcomed into homes. We've been texting. We've been just out in the other thing. You know what? You people are just like, well, you don't talk like us. But, you talk properly. We don't. And been welcomed. And all I can tell you is I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love the life that I have today because I walked down the street, it took me a lot of years to measure up to my driver's license. I'm now 5 feet 11. . I used to always look like I was looking for the dime on the ground when I was drinking. I was about 5'9", and I didn't know that. If there's anybody in the hall, and I don't care that you live in Pennsylvania or I live in Massachusetts, I've been through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous through the big book with a big book sponsor. And if you were looking for that type of help and the solution, okay, it's not the solution I used to have with alcohol. It means I'm going to talk about God. If you want that type of help, I'd be absolutely more than willing to give you my phone number. John does a lot of his work online. He's online. He's working with people in other states all the time. This is a new age, people. If you want what we have, I don't say if my sponsor is best. It's not if we want what we have, do what we do. Take your own inventory. If you don't want what you have, you might want to look and see what we have. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity. Thank you.