The Bondage of Self and the Illusion of Success — Sandy B.

Six years. I've had money, and I almost filed for bankruptcy. I've been employed, and i've been let go. And I've been unemployed. I'd been married, and I got divorced. And when I got divorced, the house went, including all my money. I remember going to the ATM, and it said insufficient funds. And where did my money go? She had it. What do I do now? I remember trying to get a job, and I couldn't get a job. I couldn't get arrested. I couldn't do anything. Why? Why? Why are you doing this to me for what did I do wrong? And I would bargain, I would argue, I would have skepticism again and doubt again. And I wouldn't bottom out and say, Father, your will not mind be done. I'm not figuring this out anymore. I did it after my divorce. I didn't when I was flat broke. I didn't want to went to a lawyer said I need to file for bankruptcy. It was about turning over once more how dark it is before the dawn. It seemed to every time I surrendered and completely let go of my life because it's none of my business somehow I found the path again that was that things were accumulated my belief systems my ideas my comfortability and what makes me me money a relationship a car in the house now invaluable I couldn't see the path anymore how much money do I need how much money do we need just enough not to need God how much success do I need just enough not to need god when god sees that he's going to take it there's a reason why i was born there's no reason why god got me sober it's to go be of service i work in the morning boss what are we doing today what do you got where am i going well eight to four you're going to work and tonight you're gonna work with a drunk then you can go to bed okay you're gonna get tired your knees are gonna get scraped you're Gonna be exhausted you might miss some meals, you're going to get a phone call at the god-awful hour. You're going to work and work and I will take care of you. Or I can do it on my own, get my belly nice and fat and die a drunk. I'd rather go to work for my God and surrender every day because he gives me, and I don't mean to, He gives me paradise. He's given me my family back. He's giving me friendships. There's a guy in here, Tom Needham, I know forever. I can see him every three or four years, and it's like we spoke yesterday. He's give me values and integrity. He's givin' me Marion and Jimmy and some other folks in here. He's givin' me a job, self-supporting through my own contributions. He's given me care for other people. And all he asked for is seek me. My third step for me, when it's all said and done, is me seeking God. Father, your will, not mine be done. I'm out. What do we got to do next? Let's do inventory. Let's find out the things that are in your way that keep you blocked from me and keep you block from them because I have great work for every one of you to do. based on our track records we're supposed to be here on a Friday night doing this getting on planes around people we don't know another hotel room but we do it for fun and for free I'm so glad my life was none of my business I'm glad for my elders in Alcoholics Anonymous I'm grateful that I'm teachable and I'm thankful that next to sobriety The greatest gift I've gotten is knowing that I am known by my Creator. What a freedom. What a gift. How about sobriety? How about God? That's all I got. Peace. I'd like to thank Peter for sharing with us, and we close this meeting with the Lord's Prayer. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking There are no dues or fees for AA membership We are self-supporting through our own contributions AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics organization or institution does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Primary Purpose Group of Austin, Texas applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause Hi, y'all. Katie Parker from Austin, Texas, alcoholic. I don't know which is more important, alcoholic or from Texas. I know I'm in the state that you guys love Texans. I've already had somebody come up to me and go, I don'T like Texans All righty, wow, got off to a good start there now, didn't we? But my sobriety date is October the 28th of 1984, and for that I am truly grateful. I will be coming up on 30 years sober, which is unbelievable to me. I know it. That is longer than I've done anything other than have a child. You know what I mean? But I got sober when I was 26 years old, and none too early, you know. I see people come in at all ages, and I am grateful that I got sober at 26 years old. It is important for you to know, though, that I have five-and-a-half months more sobriety than my husband, Charlie. And they say time doesn't matter, and that is bullshit. It damn sure does. And I love your line, Steve. I steal it all the time. But in our house, when he's having trouble, I tell him in about five and a half months it'll get better, honey. Just hang in there. I love that. You know, the speakers, oh my God, the speaker's have been wonderful. What a fun weekend these are. And I'm so happy to see you guys up at 9 a.m. I mean, we were going to the wee hours of the morning last night, and everyone was wonderful. Let's give the speakers a big round of applause. You know, and for you guys showing up, I mean we are all one here. We are all garden variety drunks, you know, and I love it and Peter was in Austin last weekend and he was at our convention. We were participants and I got to see him speak again and, you Know, he said something that was so interesting. He said, you know, I fast for four hours before a talk. And I was impressed. I was like, wow. And he doesn't do notes. I do and I don't fast. So my deal is me and God in the morning have this amazing communication that's in front of my computer going on. You know what I'm saying? But I just told Charlie, I said, I'm going to try that fasting thing. It lasted about 20 minutes. I thought, oh, I am all over the place, man. I am losing it. But, you know, I want to thank Mark and Dawn. Oh, my God, you guys, this was a real love child. You know what I mean? A real lovechild. And we walked through this with them. And, you Know, it's tough. I mean, New York City, my god, a bagel is like eight bucks, you know? You know, this is not a cheap deal to have. And it was so funny. Before, I'd met Mark a couple of times, he and Dawn, at another conference. And sometimes you get names and you don't know really who you're talking to on the phone. And he had called me and he had invited me to this event. And this event happens to fall. Charlie and I shoot shotguns competitively. We are from Texas. And, you know, I carry two shotguns in the trunk of my car at all times. And this weekend is a huge event that we always do. And so I've got it blocked out on the calendar. You know, nothing really comes on that weekend. And Mark said, you know, he calls and he says, Katie, you know, this is Mark Cox. I'm not putting two and two together. And he says can you do this event? And I'm like, oh, no, I have a previous engagement. I'm about to say it's not AA. You know what I mean? I love it when people say the hand of AA, when it reaches out, you're always there. Really? Let's watch everybody on that line. You know What I Mean? Come on. And so I said, no I have a previous engagement. And then he tells me the lineup. And all of a sudden And I go, hey, hold on just a second. Who all was that? And I'm the only girl? I'm in. I'm In. Oh, yeah. Oh, Yeah. I do have to say, they did arrange the lights, the scenery, and the ballet. The girls are here now. Yes, sirree, buh. My home group is the primary purpose group in Austin, Texas. We study the big book line by line. every Tuesday night at 7.30 at Faith United Methodist Church if you're ever in Austin, Texas please come by we'd love to have you it is an amazing experience for me I've been studying the big book for eight and a half years now and I got to tell you something there was a time that that did not appeal to me even a big book meeting didn't appeal to be and I'll tell you based on my experience oh my god you guys I mean I was in untreated alcoholism you've heard that term a few times it can fall under many things We call it dry, stale, flat, period, drifted, whatever you want to call it. I call it untreated alkalism. If I suffer from a fatal illness and I'm not treating it, I am a loose cannon in the world. I'm an absolute loose cannon en the world, and so when I was in the first three years of my sobriety, I was all about the book. Chased a boy into AA. He was a big book guy. I'd sit at his feet while he read the book, It was actually fabulous. I'm very glad no one was the arbiter of my sex life. And, you know, we and I remained married for 20 years until he got very, very sick. He got very very sick and ended up having a brain tumor and unfortunately he relapsed at 23 years sober, went out and shot some dope and died. And so today I get what untreated alcoholism is because you almost lost me. The obsession to drink came back. What? I mean, I thought that was a done deal. That was off the list. And what I didn't realize, guys, is if I don't treat my alcoholism, I thought meetings treated alcoholism. Nobody said they did or didn't. I thought meeting treated alcoholics. So I was doing five meetings a week. My husband was doing 5 meetings a weeks when he died. And we were not treating our alcoholism with the recovery program based out of the big book. So today I studied the book. Today I am a book technician. I'm not at all embarrassed to say I'm a technician. I am a technician. Yeah, God Almighty, it's clear-cut directions. We will screw up Disney World books, you know what I mean? Green eggs and ham we can screw up, you Know What I Mean? So to me, it is like I am okay to be a technician Are there people out there studying the book that bugged the crap out of me? Yes Are there are people that don't study the book That bugged crap out me? Yes So welcome to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, man I mean, oh my God, I've written more inventory on you guys than I ever wrote on my family. Oh, I do have to tell you, I did. You know, my grandmother, my whole family's from the Northeast and, you know, I got to Texas as quick as I could, but I've never ridden the subway. Man, Charlie's got some history in New York City. Oh, you'll hear it. And I swear to God, I told him, I said, every time we come to New York, do we have to mention the ex-wife? I mean, can we just come to new York without your world with her? And so we get on the subway cause we're going to go meet Bob and Linda in, in Manhattan and, and go for a walk in the park. And so мы get on The Subway and it's, it's pretty exciting. You know what I mean? And so We're on The subway and we get the deal going and, and you know, I mean that thing takes off, there's no seat belts. Okay. I mean it's like all of a sudden you're meeting your neighbor, A little bit faster than the one at the airport. And then all of a sudden, you know, it feels like remember when you were a kid and you had those train sets that were pretty technical train sets? And they would go so fast, and when they'd round a corner, they'd shoot right off? Well, at one point, and I'm thinking, oh, my God. And Charlie leans over and goes, we're underwater now. Oh, good, good. And I tell you what, now, if I were in charge of the subway system, there would be railings. This no-railing thing, oh, man, I could see being pissed off at a boyfriend drunk and pushing him. I could. I could You know, we do crazy things. We get behind the wheel of a car drunk. Oh, I can push you. Oh, that'd be a terrible decision, wouldn't it? And I got to tell you, in Central Park, I got to get off. I kind of jumped into the story too quick. In Central Park you know, the boys went for a walk and I went for a run and I love it. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm in New York City and looking all around and let me tell you, the people run on the trail the same way they drive. They don't stay on their side. See, in Texas, on the trail I run on, you stay on that side. I stay on this side. I mean, they're coming at you. We're playing games of chicken on the rail. You know what I mean? Oh, I'm not moving. Uh-uh. Come on. Bring it. Bring it! Uh-huh. And I mean to tell you, we just went... Got a little tense there. Oh! Whoo! And I do a lunge walk that's kind of peculiar looking anyway, but then once I started that, man, the dogs, the kids, people are... You're liking me now, aren't you? Charlie's a funny bird. Boy, he gets out here and the next thing I know we're walking by, people go, how you doing? Okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay, here we go. Here we go, here мы go. Like I said, the book talks about these clear-cut directions. Oh, hey, Clancy, I brought you some postcards. I found them. Yeah, sucking up. Just want you to notice that. You know, the book talks about these clear-cut directions, and there's a reason I think that they're clear- cut directions. Man, we can screw up just about anything. Wouldn't you agree? And so they found it important to put it in a short amount of pages. And so I do go with a technical approach on what the fourth step is. To me, I think it is very important. And it says in the third step, it says I'm almost always in collision with something or somebody even though my motives are good. You see, to me what that's telling me is what happens is I come into Alcoholics Anonymous with very few tools in my toolkit. I have a tool of self-reliance. I get what I want. I am a powerful girl. That was established early on. Left home at 15 years old, managed to make it through high school. I mean, I got what I wanted. I was voted most likable four years in a row in school. Uh-huh. You have any idea how hard that is? You've got to get everybody to like you. That's a lot of sucking up. And I'm good at it. I'm gut at sucking up, you know. And it's the corroding thread in my inventory is I've got to get everyone to like me. And I'll tell you something. Ralph says this beautifully. It's crucial that you like me I don't particularly have to care for you, but you do need to like me. And then look at my personality. I mean, there's already people once I stood up here, you just didn't like me just based on my appearance. You know what I mean? And, I mean., that's how ‑‑ that's my life of what I've got to constantly be looking at. But this constant collision the book is talking about, after a while, I learn about service. I learn abut unity. I learn bout integrity, dignity, honor, respect, right? That's what we're about learning. It's what the process is about, becoming somebody, part of society. Well, before you know it, man, I set up chairs. I'm 30 years sober. I'll still set up shares. But you know what I do? I pay attention to who's not. Do you see that behind a kind motive? It's like, oh, yeah. I start to get real self-righteous. I'm a good AA. You're not. See, and that's where it gets troublesome. And I miss that. I missed that whole point because I'm only looking for when I show up and I'm a real jerk. Oh, I get that. That's the obvious one. It's behind the kind motives that I'm troublesome. And then it says in the tenth step, we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, that position of neutrality that Peter was talking about last night. Oh, my God, that positionof neutrality, I can't get in it by myself. I absolutely can't do it without God's help. It's an absolutely wonderful gift. It's kind of like the bubble on a level when you just get it just right. All of a sudden, I got no dog in that fight. You know what I mean? That is none of my business. I'm going to keep my mouth shut. And I'll tell you, one of the things that I still love in Alcoholics Anonymous, it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I love gossip. Woo-hoo! And thank goodness it makes us feel comfortable. It makes me feeling comfortable. I'm getting better and better and bitter with God's help to not gossip about people. And in Texas, all you've got to say is bless their heart. She's such a... Yeah, bless their hearts. She's just such a dumbass, you know. And you seem to have, you know, you put it in a nice package. And the third step is just a prayer. It's not just a pray. And that's what I thought it was, you now. In my experience, I went from the A, Bs and Cs. Do you believe you're alcoholic? Well, if there is anything as far as alcoholism, yes, I'm it. Do you belive in God? I had no problem with the God deal. I mean, I didn't go one way or another. And they said, well, let's hit our knees. And I remember doing that third step prayer and feeling nothing. And I'm not saying that I needed to have felt something. But I can assure you at that point in my sobriety, I wouldn't have even understood the self-centeredness if you would have explained it to me. See, I believe the drink was my problem. If you get the drink off of me, I still think people in Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the alcohol is their problem. You get the alcohol off of you, I'm fine from here. You heard all the speakers say that when you take away the alcohol is when my problems begin. But you see, I am most likable. I'm not selfish and self-centered. Charlie is. Oh my God, is he. He was my best friend in AA from, well, he had six months sober and I had a year when we met. And I was crazy in love with my husband, but I loved Charlie. And to watch Charlie, he to me was a train wreck. He did suffer from selfishness and self-centeredness, but I didn't. And I remember it. I remember people would talk about it in meetings, and I'd think, God, too bad. You get the booze off of me and watch me work. See, man, I'm a doer. I get it done. And I've been that all my life. And so I didn'T see this. I didn' t see it at all. And I ended up in those bedevilments at about 17 years sober. And let me tell you what, that is the darkest place of my life I was in the darkest days of my life for about 18 months And when it talks about contemplating killing yourself, i'd never contemplated killing myself drinking I mean i'd lay there in that self-pity. I was the phone call in one I had a kid by the end. I had to stay at home and you know, i've listened to the same song over and over Over over And uh dial late at night Oh But the feeling I felt in the bedevilments was totally different. You see, by the time I pick up alcohol, it's the solution. And therein lies the problem. See, I don't work a program for fear of drinking. Because by the Time I Pick Up the Drink, It Will Be the Solution. I do it because I don' t ever want to live in the bondage of self of what I was in. The bedevillments drive me into doing this work. Would I rather write inventory? No. Would I rather be in the bondage of self? Absolutely not. I'll write inventory. You see, those are my decisions that I make. And one of the things about it says on page 61, that first requirement, you can't do the fourth step without re-dipping a toe in the third step. It says the first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. I'm not. I'm Not Convinced. Watch me. I'm walking around. I'm NOT convinced that my life is a mess. And then it says on page 64, it says being convinced. So between pages 60 and 64, it's going to convince me the many different ways that self shows up. See, if you get somebody and you ask them, what are your defects of character? Well, I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm jealous. I'm envious. Oh, you're going to have to go way deeper for me. Yeah, yeah, that's the tip of the iceberg. That's early sobriety. The longer I'm sober, I am absolutely blinded to it because it's a shapeshifter. I don't even see how I show up until my stuff's in the ditch. You see, when the wheels come off, I don' t realize I had a kind motive. I was just trying to be helpful, and now I'm in real trouble. See, I always believed, you know, I'll let somebody in traffic, right? Come on, come on, but I need this. See, I'll hold the door open for you, but I need a thank you. Okay. I'm not going to be holding the door and having about a herd come through. You know, after a while, hey, hey. Hey, hey! It says that I'm an actor running the whole show. Oh, my God, you guys, let me introduce you to the sheriff. I'm nicht der Arbeiter, ich bin der Sheriff. See, you are the deputy. That's what you are. But when I come in somewhere, I mean, last night I went, oh, Charlie, we need to get those lights on me. did you see the hoist thank you I am the sheriff of everything I am a sheriff of the grocery store I am sheriff of AA I am cleavage police you come in with too much cleavages and I am just like this I have to grow in understanding and effectiveness I have to figure out what is the best way to come at you, because if I'm not careful, I will come at your ego. You see, and that's never good. If I come atyou too harshly, you didn't even hear the message. My sponsor says, why do you feel like you need to stand up for all the women in AA? Oh, I'm sick of hearing that. But it's very, very true. Why do I? Oh, my gosh, my old ideas. You really want to know the real one? Because you threaten me. There's the realone. See, we got to be like this. So I've got to show you that I'm here for you. Now, it's changing, and it's becoming more important that we are like this, but at first it's because you threaten me, and that's never good, guys. And that's what I've Got to Get Down to. I've GOT to Get down to the swallowing and digesting. Then I have this bizarre delusion that if all my arrangements would stay put, if everyone would do as I wish, it'd be utopia. Don't you believe that? Oh, yeah, I take this motive and this delusion that everything would be great and I run my actions through there, and the worst I'm going to get is an A-, because I'm a good person. See, we alcoholics are not malicious and bad people. We're just self-centered. I believe that we're missing so many filters. I mean, I encourage you to go through your day-to-day, and when you're talking to somebody that is not in this organization, look for this reaction. We are an extreme example of self-will run riot, though we usually don't think so. And I'm telling you, you just watch people. They are shocked and appalled when we open our mouth. Then it starts to talk about page 61 is the beginning of what the inventory is getting ready to look like. Oh my gosh, I take all my sponsees back to page 61. What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. She begins to think life doesn't treat her right. There comes the self-pity. Everybody's mad at me. I can't believe it. My family, I went for Thanksgiving. They're pissed. And then it starts. It says, I become angry, column two, indignant, column three, and self-pitie, column four. It begins the process. And then, it says, what's my basic trouble? Am I really not a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? It's trying to wake me up to behind my kind motives. You know, people always say check your motives. I'm sorry, I can't. I can'T check my motives till my stuff's in the ditch. I've written enough inventory on it. I've had enough effect of pain that I begin to just awaken the spirit enough to go, Oh, this looks like those last 19 situations. Okay, God, hold up, holdup. See, I can't check my kind motive at the door. I can'T check my ego at the doOr. You know, people say, you know, things like to me, you knOw, where's your humility? I can'T make myself humble. I can''T do any of this without his aid. And, you kNoW, we, I love this one when I'm working with you. If you call yourself a people pleaser, oh, my God. Please, let's line up all the people you've pleased over here to the right side of the room. Let's see how well this is working It's that what we are Is an approval sucker We're chameleons You like it this way? Fine You like that music? So do I That's what we do And that's the other thing It says, is Katie really not a victim That means I'm tricked or duped By my own delusion The failure to recognize reality not denial, delusion, that I can rest, and that means to seize by force, satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I just manage well. That's a lot being said in that line. That means my spirit's completely asleep. You know, you hear things like, would you rather be right or happy? What a stupid line. Both. You know? I want to be happy when I'm right, okay? And I want you to know that. I'm not going to go, oh, silly me, I'd rather be happy. You know, it doesn't work that way for me. I'm the kind of personality, I'm a lot coming at you. You know my husband likes to say I'm like taking a drink out of a fire hose, man. You get a lot more than you were expecting. And that is very true. And one of the things about that is, you know, it says rest satisfaction and happiness. Do you see where it says would you rather be right or happy? I'd better be both. You know, that would be a delusion to think I'm anything but. So what do I do? I become a producer of confusion rather than harmony. And that's the way the inventory is supposed to lay out. I just wanted everyone to be happy. Now the whole group's pissed off at me. How many of you guys have had your AA group pissed off at you? Yeah. Welcome to the fellowship. And if you haven't, oh boy, isn't that fun? You know, the safest ground, the most sacred ground is our AA group. And if you've upset everybody in there, we got trouble. You know? That's the way the disease will separate you. It'll separate you from your sponsor. It'll seperate you from you home group. It's desperately trying to kill you. And I'm so blinded to self-centeredness in me, but I can see it in others clearly. And it says, you know, there's some words I like to kind of refer back to that we don't use in our literature. It's a different word, and that's controlling, if everyone would do as I wish, right? You know, people say alcoholics are so controlling. That's the root of my illness here with my selfishness and self-centeredness is that I've got to get everybody to do as I wish. Manipulative is my self-seeking. And expectations are my ambitions. See, guys, it's in my DNA, this level of self-centeredness. It tells me I can't live up to these moral and philosophical convictions. I mean, on my own power, I can'T even work on myown defects. You ever heard someone say, I'm working on my defects? I did for 17 years say that. All these things that I'm saying, I said. And moral and philosophicalkonvictions galore. If you're in untreated alcoholism, oh, you can have an affair. Oh, youcan have anaffair. You can do things you never thought you could do. You could lie, you could steal, you could cheat in untreated alcoholism. And yet we've become that man on page 73 that was referred to. I only thought I had lost my egotism. I only though I had leveled my pride. And the other thing, one of the things that I can tell you is when I was in untreatable alcoholism, I spanked my kids. I'm a spanker. And it may be against your value system. It ain't against my value system, I'll spank you at 15 years old. Do you know what I mean? I'll spank you at Disneyland, man. You know, I am a spanker. But one thing that's against my value system is I don't slap my kids in the face. You just don't clap your children. Well, I slapped both my kids and untreated alcoholism. Slapped them right in the case. No one was more shocked than I was that I slapped my children sober. Wow. And then as I begin to learn the book, I realize, oh my God, it's all in here. It says moral and philosophical convictions galore. I can't live up to them no matter how hard I try. Without his help, without me staying in this work. See, four through nine to me is the tenth step, right? To continue to take personal inventory. The directions are just in the fourth step. And I don't care what you call it. I don' t care if you call a tenth step doing another four and five. I don't care, but just do it. I don'T CARE IF THERE'S A FOURTH COLUMN OR YOU WANT TO CALL IT AN EXPANDED THIRD COLUMB OR YOUWANTTO DO 15 COLUMNS. JUST PUT PEN TO PAPER BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS. THIS SELF-KNOWLEDGE IS SUCH A DANGEROUS THING TOO. WHEN THE BOOK IS TALKING ABOUT IT, IT SAYS THE FOURST STEP IS A CONSIDERATION OF HOW SELFS SHOWS UP FOR ME. WE JUST WENT THROUGH THE WHOLE THIRDS STEP ON WHAT THE THIRSD STEP IS ABOUT. THE DIFFERENT WAYS SELVES SHOW UP. I AM AN OUTSPOKEN INDIVIDUAL. Oh, my God. Let me tell you, if I see something that's an injustice, usually I'll say, hey, hey. Hey, knock it off like I'm Mighty Mouse. You know what I mean? The guy's gigantic. I love this one in Philly when I'm in the airport. Charlie and I are having a fight that he doesn't even know we're having. And and so he's walking ahead of me because I'm not even with him. and this gigantic athlete looking guy comes at you know he's walking he's got a pair of those long you know kind of basketball pants on and I swear he buries his arm down his pants to his elbow to fluff something and I mean it is uh you know and I'm like I go oh my god really really I'm just saying, man, sometimes you can't shut me down. You know what I mean? And now he didn't stop. We didn't have a little chit-chat. He'd go, I'm sorry, I buried my arm down to my elbow. But I couldn't believe nobody else was saying something. Okay, so it says before... So I am an off-the-chain kind of personality, right? I am. Now, if you show up and you couldn't say peep if you had a mouthful, you couldn'T stand up for yourself if your life depended on it, does not make you any less alcoholic than me. Matter of fact, it's just the different ways that self shows up. So that's what the fourth step is. It's a consideration of how self showsup. It's the tapestry of Katie's life. And in order for me to be able to have anything to take in the sixth step to God that's objectionable, I got to be able to see how do I do it? How do I show up? There's warnings. You know, the spirit falls asleep. It dreams that it's awake. So I'm asleep going through life dreaming. I'm awake, awake and aware, awake, and aware. If I tell you to go out of here, well, now I don't know about New York city, but you know, that the surrounding areas, if I tell you to look for a white car, you'd be shocked at how many white cars are out there. About every other car is white. And that is heightened awareness. You now have a heightened awareness those cars have always been there, but I had a heightened awareness of them. That's what the inventory process is. The knowledge of it won't do squat because I on my own power cannot take these away. I can try to behave better, don't get me wrong, but God has to remove these things. Listen to the many different ways that The spirit falls asleep. A victim of the delusion, I can rest satisfaction and happiness if I just manage well. The more we tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. The victor only seemed to win at war. The word seems is italicized, which means I think I'm getting it. It says the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. See, life's not coming at me. It's coming from me. I didn't get that. I thought life was coming at us. me says the world and its people really do dominate us in that state the wrongdoings of others fancied or real have the power to kill I'm telling you I didn't write inventory oh my god I didn't read inventory for 15 years and I don't know why I thought I didn' have to and you may not write inventory hey I'm not telling you you have to but I'm tellin you you're probably living in an experience your you've got an experience that is not let me reword this because this can go against your ego if you're sitting out there not writing inventory you're going what is it little lady go ahead and tell me what I'm doing wrong I would I had an experience on an experience I hadn't had and when I realized the more I would write just jot down heck I don't care if it's on a bar napkin jot down what pisses me off myself uh the cause and the effect it is amazing if i share that with another human being you heard lorenz reading inventory i mean that kind of stuff is amazing and it is in my lineage that you put pen to paper as a matter of fact it's not only in my lineage it's in the book you know what i mean so i'm going to treat my alcoholism by putting pen and paper. Do I do it on everything I'm pissed off at? Of course not. I have my own barometer. I can call my sponsor with a verbal 10-step, and if I get the freedom I need, that's it. I'm all good. But if by that evening, I wake up at three o'clock in the morning, my eyes ping open, and that son of a bitch, I'm writing inventory because of this line. The world and its people really do dominate us. In that state, the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real, have the power to kill me. I get blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. The fourth and fifth step talks about this life or death errand. Next, we launched out on this course of vigorous action. Now, I always thought the course of rigorous action was four through seven. I was incorrect. It says the first step of which is a personal house cleaning. It's four through nine. I missed that whole thing. I hear people stop on the fifth step and they just kind of do the mouth, the six and seven. I did it for years. I didn't even know what six and seven was. It's two paragraphs, for God's sakes. I mean, how important can that be? I always went to the 12 and 12 because I needed more depth. I didn'T realize that from the doctor's opinion all the way up to the sixth step, it was preparing me for the sixth steps because I didn' t study the book. Today I am a technician. Today I get what the book is telling me to do. And let me tell you something, guys. I was a fitness professional for 30 years, and I can get you fit. Do you believe that? Come on. Yes. Now, I can get you fit. It is going to require so much on your part, but I know how to get you fit. I know to get to eat right. I don't know how much you need to exercise. I know exactly the kind of exercise I can get you to do. But if I can't get you on that treadmill, we got nothing but knowledge and that's what I'm talking about. This is a program of action and I love that I'm in a lineage that puts pen to paper. I just love it because my God, I cannot, you know, other than the guy in the airport and hand down the pants thing, I have been so much better. You, you, you just be, I walk away, I got no dog in that fight kind of deal. And so this, I look at this as a, this launching out as a golf swing. You know, it's just goes all the way through. It's four through nine because traditionally there's going to be an amends in this process. I don't write inventory where There's not an amends, even to the man I hate. And so the three different types of inventories are there's a resentment inventory. And the reason it's selfish and self-centered is because you didn't do what I wanted you to do. A fear inventory is I'm afraid you're not going to do whatI want you to d And a sex inventory isI feel guilty for what I did to you. Do you hear the selfishness in all of that? Now keep in mind, a sex inventories, as we get into that one, a sex inventorys really a conduct inventory. You know, there's very few things in the book I would want to change, but I do want to change some things. So do you. And I would like the word to be relationship instead of sex because for some reason you say sex, I think of the act and it's not about the act of sex. It's about the relationship with sex, which would mean my relationship, but it's also a conduct inventory. So we'll get more into that as we go. It talks about in the tenth step that if you don't take regular inventory, you usually go broke. Or excuse me, in the fourth step it says if you do not take regular inventory, you usually go broke Oh my gosh, I can sit in meetings and hear where somebody Have you heard the guy who is constantly complaining about the divorce? Oh, or the boss? And what I do today is I will walk over there to him and go, you know, she usually I try to work with the girls and I'll say, man, it sounds like you are really upset with your in-laws. Oh, yeah, did you hear me? Well, yeah. I've heard you for the last couple of weeks. You know, you got a few minutes? Sure. I take them outside. Man, I'll sit down. I'll write the darn inventory for them. I'll put it in column two. I'll talk about what it affects in column three. I'll tell them all about that. See, because to me, I've been given this gift. I do believe that I have the power to get you connected to the power, right? I am the vessel to connect you to the power. Do you believe that? Do you have a message of depth and weight? These are questions you need to ask yourself, because if you don't, trust me, there is directions in the book to get it. If I want to be as effective as possible with another sponsee, I better know what I'm bringing. I always take it back to fitness. Mark Houston was the one who said, God, Katie, of all people, you get fitness. It says stay in fit spiritual condition. You know what's required. The disciplines that I have to do, I'm down at the gym today. There's quite a few people there actually. Not all of y'all, but quite a lot. Quite a few. And I'm done at the gyms because I've got to stay in fit spiritual condition. I eat good because I got to stay in good spiritual condition I am a fitness professional. I do my prayer and meditation. I do evening review. Do I slack? Of course I do. And do I pay the price? Yes, I do! I'm telling you, I write inventory, I bet, on my husband about once a month. And, you know, it always gets a laugh. But I'm tell you, how many people in this room are currently married? Just look around the room, guys. Next relationship you're in, you might want to write inventory once a month on them. I'm just saying. Because the reason for that is before you know it, all I see are his defects. And then before you know it, I've married the wrong man. You see? And I work my way right out of it. Everywhere I go, I can ask how many people are married and it's just a handful. And I really believe the book, the 12 in 12, says we can't form a true partnership with another human being. That's a sponsor, a neighbor, a boss, a significant other. And Charlie makes my evening review. You know why? Because I've got to see that my troubles are of my own making. It's not Charlie. I never consider the stress he's under. He is just not doing it the way I want him to, and that's the problem. I'm telling you, it's a dangerous thing. You know, the book talks about inventory being a fact-finding and a fact‑facing mission. Oh, I love that. Matter of fact, I take all emotion out of an inventory. I'm not going to sit there and do a fifth step with you while you're bawling your eyes out the whole time. As a matter of fact if you do that, it�s dangerous. It's very, very dangerous to me. We're re-feeling. We're not looking to re-fuel. We're looking at the facts. I feel like it's like a court of law. Ma'am, just answer the question. Just answer the questions. God Almighty, that's a yes or no question. Just answer that question. We're going to be here for nine days, you know? I mean, you should see me. I am moving. I am movin' through this thing. Mark used to say you could ask an alcoholic if they were married and get a 15-minute answer. That's a Yes or No question. Yeah. Let me ask, how many people in this room have been married? Have been. Yeah, the hands go up. More than once. Oh, yeah, the wave. Twice. Three times. Four times. And you're kind of waiting until your number gets hit. Wow! Wow! So, you know, if I were to inventory my closet, I would say I have five black shirts I have three white pants I wouldn't take each shirt out remember where I bought it remember how much I enjoyed wearing it with those cute shoes you're just doing an inventory this is a fact finding that I'm on as the person listening to the inventory and you're on the fact facing you're swallowing and digesting because traditionally the second column is a delusion Oh, it's your perception of how it went down. But it's my job to show you, is it possible it went down a different way? Yeah, not just did they do the best they could with what they had. I've never been a big fan of that term, you know? I mean, you'll hear people say, oh, my dad was never there for me. Really? What did he do for a living? Well, he had four jobs. Was he able to pay for your college? Yeah, yeah, he did pay for my college. Okay, so really what your dad did was bust his butt so he could financially take care of you and you are such a black hole of emotional need that when he came into the house, you're all up in his business. You couldn't give him two seconds to sit down in the chair and take a breath. Hey, look at me. Check it out. Check It Out. CheckItOut. CheckitOut. Oh my God. So, you know, I swear to God, once you start really getting there, they go, Oh, my God. Oh, and I love it. I get the privilege of listening to about 10 hours of inventory minimum a week. I'm retired now. I mean, I love It. I absolutely love it, I listen to inventory from people I've never even met. You know, I'll tell you tonight or this morning, if you want to do a 10-step with me and call me, I'll give you my number. Call me, I'd do a ten step with you. I love IT. I love iT. And you know why? It feeds my soul because you are me. And I am more awake and aware than I have ever been. When the book talks about that we have entered the realm of the spirit, the first time, I remember reading that in Untreated Alcoholism going, what does that even mean? Entered the realmofthespirit. I know what it means today. I can't put it in words to you, but I knowwhatitmeans right here. And I love when I listen to inventory. And before I listento inventory, I always pray, God, open my eyes to how this is me. with the person, because it is a mirror image. It is the gift to listen to somebody else's inventory. And I'm not always talking about a four-hour inventory. Most people think that, oh, inventory, oh God, you know, that's going to take forever. No, no, no. Ten-step calls are usually about 30 minutes, maybe 45. And sometimes I'll tell you, you know what, you're going to have to write this one down. And write it down fast. Don't think. Don' t think. You know, the inventory in the book is very, very clear. You know Mr. Brown got 19 words. He wanted his wife, right? He told him about his mistress and he wanted his job. 19 words. My favorite AA t-shirt is Mr. Brown Needs His Ass Kicked. Now, I do agree with that. I do disagree with that. But to me, it's trying to teach you that it's quick. One thing is it's an effort to discover the truth about the stock in trade. That's me. How do I show up? What do I do in life? I'm a know-it-all. I'm opinionated. I have tried to not be sarcastic. Wow, the entire state of New York has a lot of sarcasm. Jeez! How you doing? Worth looking at. Do you find sarcasm offensive? Ask the person you were just sarcastic with. Did that hurt your feelings? Yeah, yeah, it did. Sarcasm is ripping of the skin. It's a tough one. And sarcasm to me is the ego just being, you know, blocking you. My dad was from Chicago and he used to say, you Know, Katie, you know, if you didn't, if your, your, well, you'd screw up a one-car funeral. And then he'd say, You know, your ass would fall off if it wasn't hooked on. And I always thought, You're so funny. And the more and more I thought about that, I just began to lose my self-confidence. Now, I was a pain in the neck. My dad did a great job. Oh, my God, I got his humor. I got a ton of stuff. And I also got some of his ugliest qualities, opinionated, outspoken. And if I can channel that through God's power, I'm a very powerful woman in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know that. And I'm also the kind of person that will climb the highest mountain for you, man. You show up and you really want this deal, I will bust my ass for you. But you take any of it for granted, And you'll move to the bottom of my list real quick. It's the way I operate. It says, one object is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. Oh, my God. If you're not careful in an inventory process, you go from self-righteous to self-pity. And the ego loves it, as long as you're still thinking about you. See, you've got to go from selfishness to selfishness. Self-righteous to right here, to where God can remove this. Do you believe that? It says in the fifth step, we will be delighted. Oh, my gosh. Be very careful you don't drift into that self-pity. We try to keep the emotion out of it. It says self-manifested in various ways is what had defeated us. How do I show up? We have to get down to the causes. That's the second column and the conditions. That's a third column. How do i show up i can't fool myself about values. Oh, My gosh, you guys. I can't even begin to tell you values old ideas. You've heard the term several times. Values are a tough one. See, there's a lot of – one of the things about values I can tell you is I believed I was a good parent. I got sober. I took parenting classes. We did group therapy for families. I mean, we were all about how do the kids feel. We were doing the deal as a good parents. And my kids love me today. I have a 35-year-old, a 25-year old. I've got three grandbabies. Oh, I swear to God those grandbabys are the best. Don't you just love them? Oh, my God. I swear, Max will say, Graham, can I have a Popsicle before dinner? I'm like, have three. Run with the scissors, baby. You know, I don't care. I'm not going to be the disciplinary. I'm done. But one of the things is I am a good parent. Now, Charlie, on the other hand, not so good to me. Now, I've written so much inventory on this. And what I didn't realize is my I am a good parent went to I am a better parent than you. And I didn' t know that until I did inventory with Lorenz. Now, I've done 100 pieces of inventory with my sponsor, Marty. And she was, you know, doing an amazing job. And I kept getting hit because his youngest daughter stole some of my jewelry. And this kid, I'd like to hold her head underwater, I kid you not, just to scare the crap out of her. Oh, she pisses me off to the point to where I want to get physical, you know what I mean? And I called Lorenz and I said, oh my God, Mike, I just read inventory to my sponsor and I just don't feel like I'm completely free. I said read it to me. So I'm reading it to him and I'm talking about it. He goes, Katie, it sounds like you petted the rattlesnake and it bit you. Oh, yeah, this little girl's a thief. She's a liar. And she blows up the world. I said, okay, keep going. He goes but I'm more interested in what drove you to be this ally with this little girl? Well, because I wanted her to succeed. I really wanted her do well. Oh, I'm such a giver. And he goes, really? And he goes, somehow we worded this and worded this and all condensed it. And it says, it sounds like had she succeeded, you could have stood at her college graduation and the birth of her child going, look, mom and dad, I did it. I did the good job. So Charlie and the ex-wife said, I did it. And he because I'm better than you are. I mean, it was just like, whoa. And all of a sudden I realized I got no dog in that fight. That child is none of my concern if all I'm going to do in there is to try to do it behind a kind motive without God's help. Oh, my gosh, you guys. And I have gotten to where I've gotten this soft spot in my heart where I can look at Charlie after he talks to her and I say, how are you doing? Instead of what is she doing? And that's the place I've got to be, guys. I am dangerous. And that is what I'm saying all behind that kind motive stuff. I just don't get it. And where are my old ideas? They show up in the third column of a four-column inventory. My old ideas. I just ask you the question. You know, a lot of people do the check marks. That's what I did for a long time. I didn't understand. If you asked me how does it affect your self-esteem, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. I just say it affects my self-esteem, my pride, my ambition, my security, my personal relationships. I don't get it. I don' t really know what that means. I just know I'm pissed off. So it's got to affect everything, right? But when you say how, see, this is the sixth step. This is how is this objectionable? How do I show up? So how does it affect my self-esteem? I am a good parent. My pride. No one should disagree with me. My ambition. If she would do as I wish, this show would be great. My security is I really want everybody to be happy. My personal relationship says I am a good parent. Do you see that my self-esteem and my pride always stand in the way of my security? That's what's killing me. It's always killing me, so I've got to know what's in that third column. Oh, let me tell you, it's a dicey one. And then we've got that sick man prayer. This was our course, right? the world and its people really do dominate us in that state, fancy to real have the power to kill. How were we to get over this? This was our course. Oh my gosh, could you imagine if you were leaving Florida and heading to the Bahamas and you didn't have a course, you'd end up in Cuba. You have to have a force. And this is a course of vigorous action. And this course is what we call the sick man prayer, right? The world and it's people really due dominate me. I mean, if you want to pray for them, that's great and groovy. and that's a nice piece of work, but what the book is telling me is that I have to ask God, please help me show them the same patience, tolerance, and pity I'd grant a sick friend. They, like myself, are sick too. See, I miss that. I missthat whole deal. See,I just see you as sick. I'm really better than you are. That'sthe pair of glasses I typically wear. Page 19 says, The viewpoints and shortcomings of others is my guiding light. Really? So the guy that pisses me off and bugs me the most is my guiding light? Why? Because when I do the inventory, I can see the me in you and have that compassion. I could be either person in this play easily. I could beat, well, I cannot imagine being the guy in the airport sticking my hand down my pants, but, oh, I am sure I have done a couple of those, you know, that was inappropriate. You know, thatís what Iím talking about. I could BE either person. And the fourth column, it says to refer to our list again. I don't care what you call it. It says putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done. See, the book is very clear that it is not about my part. If there's anything in AA I could erase, it would be the term my part It's not in there anywhere. The only place it's really in there is to the man we hate. But the rest of it, it is all mine. Disregard the other man entirely. The inventory was mine, not theirs. And that's what it's talking about. Selfish. My fourth column, it's going to be how I'm self-righteous, how I show up self-reliant, how I shows up self pity, dishonest, how I lie. Oh, I can lie. I'm almost 30 years sober. I could lie like that. I can tell somebody I saw their text and then when I finally call them a week later, I tell them I didn't see their text. That's a lie. yeah I didn't see your text oh you texted me oh so I lie okay let's let's get that out there real clear I also don't tell you the whole truth right heading to work in a hurry left the house late there's an accident yes blame it on the accident see I can I can weave a story And then the worst one is the dishonesty, is the delusion. I believe a delusional lie and I'm driven by that fear. That's the problem. Selfishness and self-centeredness, that's the root of my problem. I am driven by a hundred forms of fear. All my old ideas, self-delusion, self seek and self pity. I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. That's where the period is. They hurt us seeming without provocation. but invariably I find that I made a decision based on self that later placed me in a position to be hurt what did I do and if I ask the right questions and I'm on a fact finding mission with you oh we'll figure out where you made a decision and then all of a sudden you get to be free see the cause is always fear and the condition is always