The Allergic Reaction That Ends in Handcuffs – Mike B.

This one? This one. Evening, my name is Mike Brady and I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict. I've been sober for 10 years, 4 months, 14 days, something like that. where's today the 10th 10th day okay all right so my name is Mike Brady and I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict I've been sober for 10 years and four months and some odd days so I've be asked to speak tonight and I am very honored to be here it took me a long way to the bottom to be able to stand up here and to be able to talk to you. I was a practicing attorney in Sacramento. I went to law school at McGeorge School of Law, and actually my drinking started when I was in college. I didn't really get the early signs. One big sign that I was having a problem with alcohol was the fact that I had a party at my condominium where i was staying and i walked through a plate glass window when i was drunk that probably should have been a big head hint that 600 stitches later that i might have had a little bit of a problem with alcohol but i didn't take the hint then and i wasn't really a drinker everyday drinker i was a drinkER on the weekends um but when i got to law school i did uh did well in law school last year i was in law skill i got an offer at the da's job office to work as a prosecutor. I accepted the job, went out and celebrated my new job, and I got arrested for drunk driving. That didn't sit very well with the district attorney. So I lost my offer to be a deputy district attorney, and I ended up going into private practice for myself. So I actually went into private practice with myself and one of my law school friends. And we took everything and walked in the door. I chose criminal defense work. I volunteered at the public defender's office. I tried a bunch of cases. I ended up trying lots of jury trials over 15 years. I end up trying well over 100 jury trials and 25 homicides and six death penalty cases to jury. And during the course of my tenure as a criminal defense attorney, And as my cases became more serious in nature, from misdemeanors to felonies, garden variety felonries to death penalty cases, I began to drink more. And when I first started practicing law, I really wasn't a heavy drinker during the week. I wouldn't drink at lunch, but then toward the end of my practice, I began a drink in the morning. But in 1993, I represented David Edwin Mason. He wanted to die in the gas chamber, and the California Appellate Project and some lawyers had threatened to find him incompetent if he waived his collateral appeals. I made the decision to help him to waive his collateral appeal because I felt like that was his decision, not an attorney's decision to substitute their judgment for his. So I was successful in helping him to fire his attorneys, and I represented him. Went all the way to the Supreme Court, and he was executed in August of 1993, and the judge ordered me to be in the area where the execution was going to take place because if he changed his mind, it was my responsibility to stop the execution because he was a volunteer. He was the last person executed in California in the gas chamber at San Quentin. And that night I witnessed probably the most horrific thing I've ever seen in my life, and that was another human being dying from gas, from cyanide gas, and to suffocate to death in that horrific environment. And it really doesn't matter whether you support the death penalty or you don't support the death penalty. It was a terrible experience for me personally. I felt like I was an arrogant person, self-important at that point. I felt that I could handle this because I'd seen lots of dead bodies as a criminal defense attorney trying lots of homicide cases and death penalty cases. And I didn't feel like this was going to impact me. And I was very wrong. When I watched that young man die in a gas chamber, it changed my life forever. When I left in August and came back to Sacramento, I just never got over that. I began to drink heavier than I drank. and i really wasn't i never i used cocaine recreationally occasionally but i didn't like drugs but i drank more and the more i drank uh it made me sleepy i couldn't do my work so i started using cocaine so i could stay up and do my job and i was able to do my work and and um you know i could drink and prepare for trial and and do my work. But then, you know, I began to stay up all night and then I began to get paranoid from the cocaine because I was losing a lot. I was using a lot of cocaine and I began to get paranoid. I began too. I was late for court appearances. I was I was sometimes I didn't show up. I called in sick. my grandmother died 22 times in a year i had more flat tires on cars on a brand new car uh i had allergies that kept me from appearing in court so as any self-respecting addict would do When the cocaine started to make me paranoid, I had a really good solution. I switched to methamphetamines because you all know and I know that methamphetamines do not make you paranoid. It's cheaper, and man, I could stay up for days at a time. I didn't need to snort that stuff and mess up the mucus in my nose. So it was great for about a minute. And then I'd stay up for days at a time, and I essentially walked away from my practice. I lost interest in practicing law. I really didn't care about anything except the drug. but really it wasn't the drug so much as it was that it allowed me to stay up and drink because I was a drinker I like alcohol in fact I love alcohol I would drink today if I could but I play that tape all the way to the end to know what happens when I do drink I know that I am allergic to alcohol because every time I drink I break out in handcuffs and so in 1996 i essentially walked away from my practice i uh the state bar would call me on the phone and say you know mr brady you haven't had any discipline problems before we don't understand what's going on if you don't come and see us we're going to suspend your license my response to them was fuck you that was my response to them so obviously I wasn't thinking oh excuse me I apologize I didn't see there was children here my apologies so my response to them was I wasn' t going to change so in 1998 I got In October of 1998, I got arrested for possession of methamphetamines, a very small amount of methanphetamides. I went to jail. They let me out on my own recognizance, and the first thing I did was start drinking again and start using again. I failed to appear in court. I got arrest again, and my bail was $5,000. Got out, started drinking again, didn't appear in Court. My bail was $15,000, then $25,000 then $50,000 and after about the sixth time in four weeks that I got arrested my good friend Judge Ransom here in Sacramento said, I don't know what's going on with you Mr. Brady but you're not going anywhere and he put a no bail on me and I stayed in county jail for about six months until in July I had gone to the law library and figured out that I could go to the civil addict program at CRC, at state prison. It's a civil commitment and in-number program for narcotics offenders and that if I successfully completed that program, my record could be expunged and I would have no civil disabilities and I wouldn't be a felon. So I did that. And even though I had represented a lot of people I thought that the civil addict program was going to be a very easy program, something that you could go to. It was goingto be a narcotics program, an alcohol program, and it turned out to bea state prison, much to my chagrin. And I stayed there for a year, and it was a very violent experience, mainly because people wanted me to write their writ of habeas corpus while I was in custody and be kind of called the Johnny Cochran of you know CRC and I refused to do any legal work which means I had to put him up a little bit you know it was a little violent place but when I got paroled I thought I was cured I knew then when I got out that rather than going to a place like the other bar or going to AA, getting a sponsor and working the steps, I knew that I was fine. That I wasn't going to have a problem. And that was true for about four months. And every time I'd come home from work, my friend gave me a job in construction, bought me a car. I was homeless. I was hopeless before I went to prison. I lost my family. I lost myself. I lost mine. I lost home. I lost my practice, I lost my self-respect I lost mi dignity and ultimately I lost freedom. And I lost my freedom for two years. Two years. And I got out and I thought I could handle it. So I went to work my friend bought me a car gave me a job working for his construction firm and I did great for about four months. But around the holidays I started feeling like I could manage this and I would drive past the liquor store every day on my way home and so around December the holidays I thought you know I can do this now mind you I'm on parole I'm active parole I've got to go to the parole office every week and give a test give an alcohol test so I know and the parole officer comes and gives me a surprise visit and I know that if I drink that I'm going to go back to prison I know deep in my heart I know so I drive up to this liquor store and I sit outside and before I go in there I say to myself you know if you go in here things aren't going to do well for you this addiction was so powerful that I chose to drink knowing that I would probably go back to prison but you know what I thought I could manage it I really believed I could manage this and when I went in and bought that I bought a half a pint didn't buy much I bought a half a pint and I did manage it I managed to drink that and enjoy it for about a minute and I you know I only bought a half a pint the problem was is I went back to that store eight times and bought A half pints. But to me, that wasn't a big deal because it was only a half pint. But I didn't bother to look in the trash can and look at all those bottles that were piling up in the garbage can. So I drank and I missed my parole appointment to show up and test. And of course, all of you know how understanding parole agents are. And so I missed my appointment. The next thing I know, they were kicking my door in up against the wall, and I was on the first bus smoking back to prison. Fortunately, I only did 100 days on a parole violation. But this time, I went to a program. When I paroled, I Went to a Program. and I went to an alcohol program in Sacramento and I stayed there for five months because I really didn't want to go back to prison and I was really serious about getting sober. And finally in that program, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous went from my head to my heart and I started to understand that I'm not like anybody else. I'm normal. I can't drink. I can' t use any mind-altering substances. And while I was in that program, a friend of mine, Rusty Arreaz, who was an assemblyman from Los Banos at the time, called me up. He was the director of state parks. And he said, Mike, what can I do for you? Now, mind you, I had lost my home. I was homeless, living on the street before I went to prison. I lived on the street probably for five months, living in an alley. And I said, what you can do for me is you can help me get a job because all I had was the clothes on my back and I had $200 in gate money and that's all I Had. I had no place to go because my family had left me, and rightfully so. and so I really had no place to go. So he called someone, he said, I only know one person that's crazy enough to hire you and his name is John Burton. And so he set me up with an appointment with Senator Burton who was the President of the Senate in 2000. I'd gotten out of prison on April 24th of 2000 and I left the I had an interview I was living in a recovery home I did not have a job and I went down to I borrowed a suit from a friend didn't fit me I hadn't had a suit on in a couple years I still had that gray pallor I had what we call a Top Ramen haircut from prison because you'd you'd pay for your haircuts with Top Ramen soups So, you know, the last time I got a haircut in prison, the guy said, you now, how do you want this cut? And I said, well, just shorten it on this side a little longer than the other side. Put a gash over here and make this one kind of a little funny over here. And he said, are you sure you want me to do it this way? I said well that's the way you'll have cut it last time. so i went down and i had this really this really short haircut kind of a crew cut and i walked into this stately capital in john burton's office and i you know he i didn't even know who john burt was i had no idea so i thought i would meet with a staff person but sure enough here comes John Burton out of his office to meet me so you know John he's a little gruff a little profane so we sit in the in his office and he's got one phone in this ear and one phone on that ear and he said well tell me about yourself and I said well I've been sober for 8 months my license to practice law has been suspended I just got out of prison and you know I need some help and you can imagine there weren't any follow up questions to that so he asked me what do you want to do I said well to be honest with you I'd like to write a program some legislation for lawyers like myself who are chemically dependent so they can get help rather than getting disbarred. So he called Elizabeth Kirsten, who ran the Senate Office of Research. He hired me on the spot, and I was on active parole now, keep in mind. I'm working for the President of the Senate now, and I went on active payroll. So I go over there, And my job was to write a program for lawyers who were chemically dependent. So in the first 90 days, I did the research. I actually worked with the other bar. I worked with Rick E., and I worked mit Jim Heiding, and Ed Caldwin, and a few others that we wrote in. I wrote this legislation for John. we included the other bar in that legislation and in December of I started in September the 15th of 2000 in December I finished the research and it became legislation and it was signed into law on July of 2001 and I wrote the lawyer's assistance program for the state of California I'm a little disappointed in some of the things that have happened with the lawyer's resistance program since then but you know it is another resource for lawyers to get sober so after uh i was on active parole i got disbarred in uh gosh in august of 2002 i got i got off parole in 2001 and july of 2002 i got this barred in 2002 in augusta 2002 following year i was appointed by governor davis to be the number three in corrections. I was deputy secretary. He appointed me to be deputy secretary of corrections thanks to John's help and a few others. And you can imagine how popular I was in the Department of Corrections having just gotten off parole and now I'm the boss of the warden where I lived for two years and worked with parole. So I can tell you that there were more anonymous letters written to the governor trying to get me fired during that time period, and people just – I think I was treated pretty poorly. But nobody put myself – nobody put me in the position to do this except me, right? So Governor Davis got himself recalled, and Governor Schwarzenegger got appointed, and Governor Schwartzeneggers surprisingly kept me on as an appointee. So I've been with the Department of Corrections now since 2003, and I've been promoted about six times. Some things don't change in sobriety, I'm still a jerk. Still struggle with self-importance but one thing I do, I have done, I've done a lot of great things for alcoholics and addicts because of my own personal experience and I have been able to help put programs together like the Valdivia versus Schwarzenegger lawsuit. I wrote the new pro-revocation process for parolees. We now get them lawyers. I was a deputy commissioner for the board. About 90% of our people that go to prison are addicts and alcoholics, and there are a lot of people who deserve to be in prison, but there are a lot more people who deserve a lot good people who've done bad things in prison. So while I was a deputy commission, I sent about 900 people to treatment. I was able to do some good things with alcohol programs and drug programs and corrections while I've been there. I'm now the Chief of Court Compliance for the Division of Juvenile Justice, and I manage their class action lawsuits, which there are plenty of. So how do I stay sober? I stay sober the same way you all stay sober. I work the steps. I am in service. I sponsor people. So I don't go to as many meetings as I used to go to, but I still do service work. I actually work with the state bar and travel around and talk to county bar associations for their MCLE classes on substance abuse. I do that at my own expense. I do drug court graduations. And I also do talks at schools. about addiction and alcoholism. So I still don't have my... I've been disbarred since 2002. I would like to get my license back at some point, but being a lawyer used to define me. That was what I was about. And I felt like that if I didn't have my license i i couldn't i just couldn't imagine any self-worth but i think it would be it would be great to have my license back but being an attorney doesn't doesn't define me uh what defines me is my sobriety my honesty knowing that that i still i still have a have a problem and what i discovered during the course of my sobriety is that alcohol and drugs weren't my problem. I was my problem, and I'm still my problem and my life today isn't perfect. It's not it's far from perfect you know but I get up and I suit up every day and I go to work. When I had shoulder surgery last year uh i'm an avid skier um you know i i had shoulder surgery last year i could have used pain pills but i chose not to because i'm afraid of the consequences i don't i don' t i don''t if i if i really felt that i had excruciating pain i couldn't live with it i would consider it but i didn't use those pain pills because i was afraid of the consequences of that and i can walk down it used to be when i would walk down the supermarket aisle those bottles of alcohol would call out to me mike you can do it and today i i walked down an aisle of a of a liquor aisle and it doesn't faze me i actually i think some of the bottles are pretty but uh i would i just couldn't i know the consequences so i play play that tape all the way to the end and the great thing the the good thing about my sobriety is i have a great relationship with my 17 year old son i was a very poor father when i was using obviously i mean i you can't be a parent if you're in your addiction and when you're an addiction as heavy as i am You cannot be a good parent, and I was not. I neglected my family, but I have a great relationship with him today, and I actually have a Great Relationship with My Ex. When I go visit my son, he lives in Texas, and it's very hard on me that he lives there because I don't get the opportunity to see my son grow up on a daily basis. I get to see him in the summertime. I get see him at holidays. i go down there to to texas but when i go to teexas i stay with my ex-wife and her new husband and we have a great relationship we are friends and she took the high road she could have she could have ruined my relationship with my son she chose not to and we had a great time very very good relationship but it's very hard on me for my son to be someplace else but I'm not angry about it because I'm not a victim I'm not a victim here there was nobody that put me in the position for my son to be living in Texas except me I did that and when I was in my addiction I was a liar and I was a cheat and I was a thief and what I did when I got arrested those six times in eight weeks i would i i don't i if you gave me a hammer i wouldn't even know which end of the hammer to use because i can't build anything yet i was driving a stolen car and i went out to construction sites and i stole two by fours four dollar two by force but i would take two or three of those two by fours and put them in the back of that truck and drive off of a construction site now i i have no idea what was going through my head i have no idea but clearly i wasn't thinking clearly i was i was mentally ill those drugs change your brain chemistry and put your judgment centers to sleep and and you know people don't people that think about this and i work with rick rawson from ucla and we go around and talk to different uh groups and bar associations and he does the the forensic piece of it about the impact of drugs and alcohol in the brain and i do the the story piece ofit and i didn't really realize this but science has come a long way but your judgment center and your brain goes to sleep when you use methamphetamines when you abuse methamphenamines and cocaine and we wonder why people have this repeat behavior you think after they got arrested so many times that they'd figure out that this is not what they should be doing. But these chemicals put your judgment center to sleep. So anyway, I drove stolen cars. There was no reason for me to be driving stolen cars I made a half million bucks a year but I was driving around in stolen cars I was hanging around with drug addicts I tore my house up to remodel it and I forgot to put it back together so the carpet was out the walls were out the appliances were out and at some point I started using jumper cables to steal the electricity so I could have the heat on and lights on in my house so I got arrested for stupid things but I did those things I did those things so today I'm really pleased to be sober for ten years and four months continuously as I said my life is not perfect but my worst day sober is a million times better than my best day under the influence and I appreciate you inviting me here tonight to tell my story and to share with you I really do and the other bar has done such great things for so many years for people and I hope you continue to do that and if I can in any way help you in your mission, in our mission to help those people still suffering from alcohol and drug addiction please let me know thank you very much