The Alcoholic Mind and the Inability to Reason – Bart R.

Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com. Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a Sober Sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Hi, my name is Bart and I'm a recovered alcoholic. And my sober date is June 12th, 1995. By the grace of God, willing to do his work in an amazing design for living. That's why I'm sober and fairly of my right mind tonight. I always introduce myself as a recovered alcoholic, and I do that for two main important reasons. I know my accent is from New York, so just to get confused. Back in New York and now living in Arizona, people don't quite understand when you say you're recovered. And I don't do it to be controversial. There's people here that are new. When I got here, I wanted some hope. It's very important to give hope in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the reason that we stay here. It's the region that we come here. and share our experience, strength, and hope. To say that I'm in recovery would say I'm still in pain and I'm stilI trying to get over something. We're not cured of alcoholism, but I do not suffer any longer from trying to detox from alcohol. I don't suffer from the mental obsession for alcohol, so therefore I recovered. The other reason I do it for you and for myself, I came into Alcoholics Anonymous 1987, And I hear it read at pretty much every meeting I go to, and that is those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. And from 87 to 95 I wouldn't so I couldn't. Finally in 95 I was willing to do absolutely anything and all I was asked to do, and you'll here in my story, is this way of life. And as a result, I recovered from alcoholism. There's a lot of things that are in that how it works that I didn't pay attention to. I heard very often, you just don't want it. I was a chronic relapser. I'd come back and people would say, you Just Don't Want It. And I never asked, what is it? it's a fairly simple question if i asked it it's very good possibility somebody would have said having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we don't drink alcoholics anonymous doesn't offer sobriety it offers a way of life that gives us a spiritual awaking and for some strange reason as a results of that we just don't pick up a drink we have that daily reprieve based on the way we're living through those 12 steps, 12 traditions and 12 concepts. I don't question why. I just know that I stopped trying to not drink and live this way and I don' t drink. There's also, we read at it, half measures avail us nothing and I wouldn' t even do a quarter and I would wonder why I couldn' t stay sober. There's a lot of stuff in that how it works And I have to say, from 87 to 95, I probably didn't. And most people who are honest, you're talking to your friend next to you or you're thinking about what you're going to do after the meeting. You don't listen to. We don't listened to when it's read how it works. And it's an extremely important piece of literature that's read for a reason at every single one of our meetings. I could probably think of a whole lot of things that we don't pay attention to. We have to be careful what we say in Alcoholics Anonymous because I know I started getting confused every once in a while when I would wake up a little bit and actually want to not drink anymore, and I would hear the same person come up to the podium and say half measures of value nothing, stick to the first three steps. Well, I don't have much education, but the first three steps is a quarter, and half gets you nothing, so what is the first 3 going to get you? I'll tell you a little bit about myself. My personality is to be extremely shy. I had no idea when I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, there's not a whole lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous or a whole lot of people in the world that are willing to do that, to really make a decision to do God's will, to show God's way of life, to show God's power, to Show God's life. And when you decide to do that, he keeps you really busy. And I'm a really shy person and this is where I end up, speaking in front of a bunch of people in a state where I know absolutely nobody. That's not what I want to be doing. But that's God's Will. And i'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. I wasn't that grateful when I woke up at 2.30 in the morning to catch a plane to get here, but that lasted about 30 seconds. And then I was thanking God that somebody actually wants me, that people want me to come to another state. They didn't even want me in my own state. So there are a lot of miracles. A lot of things that happened from being shy, when I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous, from 87 to 95, people used to offer me $20 just to raise my hand and say my name, and I couldn't do it. There's a lot of meetings in AA today in New York that would give me a hundred bucks to shut up and I can't do it. But I grew up in a neighborhood where there was tall apartment buildings and I would look out the window, probably nine, ten years old, look out the window and see the older guys passing the bottle around laughing and having a whole lot of fun. And those were my heroes. I couldn't wait to be just like them, to hang out with them. It wasn't long before I started going outside and hanging out with the older guys and drinking and having fun, getting sick, getting made fun of. I was a little punk drinking with the old guys and they would tease me. Then I went into fifth grade and they let us out for lunchtime and the teacher would say, do not go on that side of the schoolyard to stay away from those people. So where was I at lunchtime? On that side of the schoolyard with those people, and I wouldn't make it back to school after lunch. And, of course, you know, that was later into the fifth grade, so it wasn't really too long, but my grades dropped immediately and started getting into trouble, and graduation came from fifth grade and they decided that they weren't going to promote me into the sixth grade. They had a meeting with my parents, and they deciding that my parents were moving and they'd give me another chance. So they were going to be able to help me out. They were going promote me in to the sixth-grade. So we moved that summer. And I spent every day of that summer riding my bicycle from the old neighborhood to the new neighborhood and drinking with the older guys and just learning how to drink better and not sleeping over their houses and not making it back home. And my parents were going through some hard times, so they didn't really discipline of not coming back to the new neighborhood. But the summer passed and the first day of school came, and I was scared to death. I spent no time that summer meeting any of the kids in the neighborhood, in the new neighborhoods. So I was going into a school where I knew absolutely nobody. And my parents had a, there was a closet at the front door and there were some bottles of liquor at the front door. So I went to that closet and I drank a little of one of the bottles and got that sense of ease and comfort that we're familiar with and off to school I went and I made it through the first day. It worked so well the second day I didn't have so much fear because I knew I'd just go to the closet, drink some alcohol, get a little buzz and go off to school, and it continued to work, and I continued to realize that this is the way I can get through school by just drinking every day. And eventually I found people who would buy liquor for me. I started getting caught in school for drinking. I would find it in my locker. I'd smell it on my breath, or I'd come to school really drunk and get into trouble. And there was a woman who came from another school called Project 25. It was a drug and alcohol program. And I was mandated to see her every once a week. I think it was Wednesdays, but whatever. It was once a weak. I had to go see this woman. And she had a large impact on my life. I mean, I still remember her name from sixth grade. This woman's name was Josie. And it was the second threat for my drinking. And I loved drinking, but this was the first one. This was the third and second threat. The first one was I almost got left back. And now I'm being told that if I continue to drink in school, If I continue to get in trouble in school, I'm going to become a full-time student at Project 25. Then I'm no longer going to be allowed to go to this school. And, you know, it's very difficult for me to meet friends. So there was no way I wanted to get removed from school and start all over again and meet people in a new school. So I didn't want to quit drinking either. So I ended up as a full‑time student in Project 25+. What Project 25 did was I was getting worse, not because of Project 25, but my alcoholism was progressing and my parents were getting more educated on how to handle an alcoholic. I was starting to get extremely violent. I had a sister who died very young and I loved my parents. They tried to do the best that they could. My parents had separated. My mother was 120 pounds soaking wet. would stand at the front door begging and crying, please I don't want to lose another child. You know when it talks about frothly emotional appeal seldom suffices. The first thought that comes to my head is my mother standing there 120 pounds soaking wet crying, I don t want to loose another child, please don t go out that door. And I would physically pick her up, throw her away from the door and go out and drink for days at a time. Come home either a bloody mess, somebody would find me on the street and drag me home, or she'd get a call from the precinct that I've been arrested. So it's not what I wanted to do to my parents. I hated my parents, I hated my parents for, you know, at this point as it's progressing, because Project 25, what it did was it educated them to not put up with my stuff. That if I got arrested, let me go off to Spofford, let me go wherever they're going to lock me up. And they locked me up in some horrible places and, you know, it was my parents' fault because my mother would say, you know, I don't want to but lock him up. He's an animal. I can't handle him because if I did come home and she tried to confront my drinking then dresses would fall over and chairs would go flying and I don'T have a problem. Back off of me. Leave me alone, you know, and she couldn't handle that but I hated her for saying lock him up and my father would come over and he would say there'S nothing I could do. Your mother has custody. So that was his out. So I started to become a real part of the system, what they call a PINS petition, person in need of supervision. And judges were starting to tell me where I was going to live rather than the nice home that my parents provided. And I remember I would go into shelters in Brooklyn, New York, and I would sneak out and drink night train with the bums on the corner and then climb back into the windows of the shelter. And they'd catch me, and they'd try to put me on clothes restrictions where they'd take my clothes away, and I would run out the door, and I'd call my father and say, don't worry, I'm going to show up in court, but I'm not staying in that place with those people in pajamas or whatever. I went to any length to drink. I loved what alcohol did to me. It was in and out of institutions, one after the other, just because of my drinking. Every institution that I went through told me, bought. If you just didn't drink, you'd be okay. And that was the last thing I heard out of any of the therapists or counselors mouths from the time that my parents were sending me to therapy to the times I was being locked up and given therapy because I knew that it was once I picked up a drink that I felt okay. It had nothing to do with if I didn't Drink, I'd be Okay, they what they had to tell me had absolutely no depth and weight. I shut down immediately. They have no idea what they're talking about 19 sometime in 1977 1978 I was sent upstate to Hawthorne New York and this was going to be for 18 months and while I was there I started to reflect that I have had absolutely no childhood that all of my childhood has been so far locked up in institutions I'm missing all the things that my friends are doing I'm missin' my birthdays, I'm misin' the holidays and I started to get really depressed about where my life has gone so I made myself a promise that when I got out of this place after 18 months I'm not gonna drink the way I was drinking so in my head I began to know that alcohol may be a problem and I need not to drink the same way I used to so I came home from Hawthorne And the first day of school started, high school, where I was brought into the dean's office, day number one. And the dean took out my records and he started looking at them and he said, you know, but we don't want your trouble in this school. We have your records. We're going to be watching you. And if you get any trouble in THIS school, you're out. Fair enough. I'm not going to BE a saint. So I got up and I said, good to see you. And I walked out. And I went home, and I explained to my mother what had happened. And I said, I really don't want to go to school anymore. What do you think? I called my father and asked him if I could come work for him. He was a fairly successful businessman. She said, call your father. See what he says. So I called me father up, and, you know, I explained the story to him. And I told him, you see, I'm going to go work for you. And I gave him the whole sad story that I had no education since fifth grade. I'm not going to do well in school anyway. They're not giving me half a chance. So he said he would talk to his partner, and he got back to me, and he said, you got it. It was a cold October morning, the week of my birthday, and I woke up that morning feeling like I had arrived. I mean, like, I'm going to be a working man. I'm changing my life around. having a birthday and look what I'm doing today I'm going to be working no more school and I'm really going to change my life and I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus so I can go to work for the first day and a buddy of mine came over and he gave me a little birthday present he gaveme a small bottle of Jack Daniels and I loved old number 7 and I put it into my coat and I said this weekend I'm gonna celebrate my birthday and then I'm a working man I started to get a little cold, and you guys are familiar with cold. Swig of old number seven will warm me up. So that's what I did. And I'm sitting on the bus, and I'm starting to get all nervous about the first day of work. Well, I know how to calm my nerves. And I polished off that bottle of Jack Daniels. I was pretty buzzed. And I walked into work for the first day and made a complete ass of myself and of my father. And that wasn't my intention. I woke up that morning to make my family proud and to do the right thing. That's alcoholism. I know it today, I didn't know it then. They talk about in AA, I hear people talk about crossing the invisible line. I don't know if I ever crossed an invisible line, I drank alcoholically from day number one. but I do know that if I think back that was the first time that I had no choice whether I drank or not that I couldn't reason my way through not drinking I had great reason not to drink that Jack Daniels and I drank it anyway and there were consequences to be paid and that continued for years and the consequences continued to get worse and the struggles not to drink got worse. I stayed working for him on and off, and I put the company through hell. Being it was a family business, they moved me around a lot from stores to wholesale places to putting me on the night shift. My dad did the best he could to try and get me to straighten out. I would ask if I can go away, you know, have time off to go away to a rehab. And, you know, I get the time off and I wouldn't go to rehab. It was just free time to go drink more. 19, I'm bad with years, but at some point I decided that I need to change my life again. And I was in California and just on vacation. And met a wonderful woman who was a detox nurse, and I decided, well, I'll marry this detox nurse. That'll sober me up. She was ten years older than me and had a son nine years younger than me, and she was a detox nurse, so how could a drunk go wrong? You know, that wants to get sober. You know? Family, automatic family and detox. Perfect. Didn't work. Came back to Queens. We rented a house and it wasn't a good scene. She would get mad at herself because I couldn't get sober. I met all of her friends, moved into her neighborhood, would drink in the bar where all her friends hung out and her ex-husband. She would try to walk into the bar and as soon as the door opened, I saw her and said, Get the hell out of here. It was bad. If she was sitting in this room today, she's one of the people who I am aware of who I have not gotten to make any more amends other than through her son, who I got to make an amends to. And it was very clear. Mom said just stay the hell out of her life. But if she was sitting in this room today, I wouldn't recognize her because I was just drunk all the time. I have no idea what she would look like. But I was hanging out in a house with all of her friends, and there were four brothers that owned the house. two of them have passed on from alcoholism and they were all like brothers to me one of them has still been away for 20 years and the other one who was sober for 10 years but would not give his life our way of life and I don't know where he is unfortunately my daughter calls him Uncle Joe and we pray for him but nothing good went on in that house we all owned motorcycles and none of them ever left the garage all we did was drink but one morning Warren, the oldest of the brothers, was showing up with new friends and he was going into the garage and he Was getting on his bike and taking off I'd see him all the time not even saying hello, just waving everybody and going in and taking it off with these new friends. One morning I caught him and said, Warren where have you been going? He said, I couldn't drink anymore And his health was really going, and I'm going to AA. Oh, that's nice. I didn't want to hear about that. People had suggested AA to me. I would check myself in on a regular basis prior to this, occasionally to outpatient programs and little treatments. In New York they had a lot of sliding scale, and I wasn't making any money most of the time. So they would want five bucks from me, and I would stumble into these therapy appointments for alcohol counseling and say, I have no money. And they would always say, you know what? It's been two months. You haven't paid us a penny and you stumble in here every day. So obviously you've got money. And they were throwing me out. So they would say, just go to AA. And I would read the literature of AA and I would see this God stuff on AA and these things they were asking to do on how it works. Not for me. So I wouldn't go. So when Mormon said that, that's all I said was not for me, that's nice. every once in a while I would talk to Warren and one morning I woke up in complete despair and I called Warren I said alright Warren, I'm ready to go to one of those AA meetings with you. And he said I got to work tonight but there's a meeting at the school in Jackson Heights go there, people will recognize you as new they'll be real friendly if you really want to get sober, go to that meeting so I spent that day struggling and suffering and pacing and trying to decide, am I really going to go to this AA meeting? I got there a couple hours early because I didn't know what to do with myself. And I showed up and I walked around the school for a while looking to see how to get into the school for the meeting. And a guy came over and he tapped me on the shoulder and he said, are you looking for the AA meeting and I said yes. And he said come with me and I'm setting it up, bless you. And it's funny, in Arizona nobody says that and they look at me like I have two heads so now when I hear it I have to say it. So I went into the meeting to set it up with him, and I walked in, and I was watching him put the shades up and the chairs and put pamphlets out, and I'm just watching him, and he's being real busy, and he walks over with this little blue card, and he says, would you like to read this? And I said, sure. And now other people are starting to walk into the meetings, so all I did was kept reading that blue card because I didn't want to look at anybody. So I was really glad that he gave me that blue card Until the meeting opened up And then he said, to read the blue card we have bought And my heart jumped out of my toes I spent what felt like five hours But I can guarantee it was no more than five minutes Figuring out how the hell am I getting out of this meeting Where nobody will see me and I'll never come back again Because if that's what you have to do is read shit out loud in an AA meeting It ain't for me I walked out of the meeting Snuck out of the meeting Got lost in the school Started getting really full of fear Figured I'm going to jail tonight I was a mess Trespassing I'm not in an AA meeting They'll never believe that Found my way back to the meeting Leaned outside the classroom That the meeting was in And figured when everybody Leaves the meeting I'll just follow them out the door and go drink myself to death. Oh, the meeting ended and you guys walked out of the meeting and instantly surrounded me. And I don't know if you could do it here but in the meetings in New York right after the meeting everybody goes to the diner and they told me I was going to the dinner with them and I had a thousand reasons that I couldn't go to the dining room and you wouldn't take one of them. So I ended back at the diners feeling all alone with a bunch of people, you know. I didn't know how to socialize and began my somewhat of a journey in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Met a lot of really good friends. They suggested that I do some stuff with this program. They suggested that I practice some traditions like we can smoke in the meetings back then and clean the ashtrays And I was like, why? Just flick it in the street or hang on to it? What do you got to clean them for? Just don't dirty them. Well, why don't you make coffee? I don't drink coffee. I didn't drink Coffee when I was drinking. I'm not going to drink it now, so what am I going to make it for? Set up chairs. Well, Why doesn't everybody just grab one on the way in? Like, I had all the answers. So I couldn't practice the traditions. until I was able to live the steps because my thinking was extremely warped. Then I started to really get sick and tired of hearing your problems, so I would just hang outside the meetings and I would grab, hey, why don't you hang out at a meeting? This is bullshit. I'd always find somebody to hang outside me. I had to get there on time, but I wasn't going downstairs to the meeting. People started to say, well, why aren't you coming to some of the meetings? My problems are none of their business, and I really could care less about theirs. So I stopped going into the meetings. It was the attitude I had. And I can't imagine why I kept sneaking and drinking, and I couldn't really stay sober, andI couldn't get along with people. Like life was just horrible. But in the midst of having some of this dry time, I met a woman who was my barmaid when I was drinking. but now we got into a relationship because I wasn't drinking, because her sister who was in AA told her it would be a good idea. And we ended up getting married, got some decent jobs, some really decent jobs just not drinking, was buying some nice cars, bought a house. My wife and my daughter went to Florida. I was miserable. I mean, all these great things are happening in my life and I was absolutely miserable. And they went to Florida and they came home and when they walked in the door I had this brainstorm that I don't want to be married anymore. And I looked at her and I said, I'm leaving. She said, what? I said I'm living. And I remember we were renting an apartment and just signed the papers we bought a house. Well what about the house we bought? well you and Ricky go live in it but I'm out of here so I went on a little dry drunk and then of course eventually I went on a mad tear again anything that was good I just pushed out of my life I didn't know how to handle it so I could drink again so that's what I did at the end of 94 sometime I went on a bad tear and I was in a neighborhood one night that I absolutely had no business being in and I wasn't sure what to do I was fighting with some people that I had no businesses fighting with and I'm lucky they didn't cut me up and put me in a dumpster and in that rage of anger that them not doing what I wanted them to do I ended up back in a meeting with you guys and today I know how I got there but that night I was a complete fog how did i get back into this aa meeting and it was probably the only a meeting in queens new york that i didn't know anybody and that's where i ended up it was called the utopia young people's group and there was a bunch of young people in that meeting that were loving life and friday nights they were going out to the city and they were We're going to clubs and listening to music. And during the years prior to that, when I wasn't drinking, I couldn't, I love music. I mean, I, I loved music. I've been restored to sanity. You won't see me to dance tonight because I know I can't dance. But, but I love to listen to music, you know? My foot taps and that means I'm having a grand old time but that's, that's the most you're getting out of me. It's not because of any reason other than And no, I can't dance. So anyway, they would go to these clubs and I would get real uncomfortable because I couldn't be around alcohol and not want to drink. And I wasn't understanding how they were doing it and of course my alcoholic mind told me well, they're just not alcoholic like I am so that's why they can go to the bars. One night, one of them was celebrating their anniversary and his sponsor was speaking for him. His sponsor was absolutely hysterical. His sponsor stood at the podium and he would lay on the floor and start stretching his hand up like to animate dialing 911 when he was in blackouts. Just really had me hysterical, I thought this was the greatest guy in the world. And then he started talking about being recovered, being happy, joyous and free. Going where any other human can go without danger. Not seeing alcohol. Just all these things that were in my perception absolute lies. And I turned around to Artie and I said, Artie, that's your sponsor that's speaking for you tonight, right? He said, yeah. I said I think tonight you should find a new one. And he said, why? I said, because I'm going to kill him. And I meant it. He had absolutely no right to sit there and say that you can be that happy, joyous, and free without alcohol. And it was really pissing me off. So Artie looked at me with a big grin on his face, and he said... Bart, I'm sure he would love to talk to you. So after the meeting, they spoke. And Artie called me up that night, and he said, tomorrow, you know where Eric's store is? And I said, yeah. He said, tomorrow, he said that you should come to the store and go there and talk to him. So I said you got it. Now I'm going to go talk to them, all right. So I went there to kill him. And he was standing in front of the store on Jamaica Avenue, and he saw me coming, and then he walked into the store, and he went behind the counter because he knew I was coming to kill him. And he stood there and he talked for about two hours About his drinking And I listened That's where the war stories are told He sat there and put himself in my place He told me all about his drinking For two hours And after about two Hours of me going Yeah, I've done that My ego telling him some of the shit I did At some point For some reason I said to him You know I came here to kill you because last night you were bullshitting us tell me more about that what do I have to do to live the way you say you're living and he went man I'm glad you finally asked he was getting tired of telling all these war stories but that's what we do the desire has to come from us so he finally asked I finally asked and he said all you have to do is follow the first 164 pages of our big book, our basic text and you can recover. And I looked at him in despair and I said, Eric, I have never read one book in my entire life. I heard that that book is really boring and difficult to read so I'm not starting with that one. Thanks anyway. And I started to leave and he ran around from behind the counter because he knew he had me now and he grabbed me at the shoulder and he said, not so fast. I'll tell you what, We'll read that book together. We'll talk about it. Anything you identify to that's in that book, why don't you let me know about it? The only stupid question is the one that you don't ask. At some point in the book, we're going to get to a way of life that you have absolutely no idea about, you're not going to identify to, but ask questions and be willing to practice it for the rest of your life. Fair enough. What do I got to lose? He opened up the book, and he talked about the first page being the first promise of how it's a story of how 100 men have recovered. And that gave me a little more hope. He started to explain the doctor's opinion. People always told me, just don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk. I don't have much education, but I know you can't skip right to the second. Thanks. You know, that's just like this trick you've given us. I started to understand what it really meant in the doctor's opinion. Extremely useful information because it made sense through all of my drinking how many times I promised myself or family members or girlfriends or wives that I'm not going to drink excessively. I'm just going to drank a little bit and it didn't work. It made sense. And I had a lot of hope. We continued to read that book. We started to read There is a Solution. We started to read more about alcoholism. And there I lost all hope. It explained the alcoholic mind. It explained the inability to reason why from the first day of work all through my life from that point on i always had a lot of good reasons and a lot of things to lose if i picked up a drink and i did it anyway i woke up thousands and thousands of mornings and said i am not gonna drink today no matter what if you hooked me up to a lie detector test, I absolutely meant it. I am not going to drink today no matter what and I got drunk. And More About Alcoholism explains that that is the alcoholic mind and I have that. That I can't play back the old tapes. My tape lies to me or it's all muffled. I can hear it correctly. It tells me it won't be that bad this time or more insanely based on what happens to me when I drink, I don't care what's going to happen when I drink. Either one of those thoughts are complete insanity and when it comes to alcohol, that's the best I can do even today. Today, I cannot choose whether I drink or not. I cannot fool myself and say, you know what? I'm just not going to drink from now on because I choose not to. June 12th, I'll have 15 years and I know I still can't just choose not to drink, that I have to do something, and as a result of that, I just won't drink. I don't know why. I don' t care why. I drank because I like the results produced by it. I live this way because I love it. I like what I like, the results introduced by it, I just don't drink, who wants anything more than that? we got to that second step and I had a problem with it I had a problem with if I couldn't see it if I couldn't smell it if I couldn't taste it if I couldn't feel it if I couldn't experience it with any of our senses it wasn't so and you've gotten my personality by now I argue with everything so I was winning that one hand over fist there is no God. But he started to show me how Artie had recovered and I knew Artie pretty well and he started to show me how he recovered and he said it's just because we came to believe in a power greater than ourselves. Slowly we just came to belief in it. Fair enough I believe you believe. Are you willing to turn your will and your life over to the care of that God? What God? The one that you might believe in. All right. If it works, are you willing to spend the rest of your life bearing witness for that God to show other people God's love, God's power, and God's way of life? You bet your ass if that thing that doesn't exist works, I'll show everybody. That was my third step decision. It says the wording is quite optional That's where I started God as I believe, God as I understand him and I don't But if this imaginary thing works I'll show the world He asked me what I thought love might be I mean what I though God Might be and I said love He said well you love your wife And your daughter and you left them you're letting some girl in AA-13 step you and you're living with this little Brazilian girl and you say you love them all. Let's leave love alone. Fair enough. We made that decision and he reaffirmed his third step decision with me and he handed me a pen and paper and he said write everybody down that pisses you off anybody that you don't like any places you don' t like any principles what are principles ideas I said do you think we'll both live that long he said just write everything that comes down so I sat there and I wrote a bunch down and he said you know what go home and see if any more comes to you and I spent a short maybe about a week writing it all down why how it affects me he started to teach me what it affects might look like then he told me alright well now that you wrote all of that put out of your mind completely the people that you're pissed off at and what they did and look at what you're left with I was left with a mess where are you to blame in that mess that you live in that was my spirituality then he showed me how to do the fear inventory to boil down how my whole entire life was completely run by fear me afraid of anything that was a long conversation before I was willing to write down a fear inventory and even today as I write inventories it's always my biggest inventory sex inventory write down everybody that you were in a relationship with that was selfish where you caused jealousy a list of suspicion a list wrote all this stuff like chicken scratch but I wrote it I can't write but I got it all down on paper neatness didn't count it's not homework. Just do it. Shared it all with him. Was absolutely willing to have God remove all of this because I didn't want to drink anymore. There was a lot of things there that were fun, but I understood that they were causing me to drink. Nothing at that point was worth that. But how am I going to work on all this? You're not. You're just going to be willing for God to remove what he wants to and keep what he wants to. That was fair enough. I was hoping he was keeping some really cool shit. But I couldn't use it as an excuse, and I still can't today. I am willing for God to move anything that stands in the way of my usefulness to him and you. That's important because it's the only way I'm going to stay over and that's really important made a list of all the people that I had harmed and then I was willing to go make an amends and again it wasn't difficult because he gave me a really good first step experience and that most important thing he loved me enough to not care about my feelings but care about my life that remember when we read the rest of that first step I had zero hope. And he kept reminding me of that. He kept putting me back in that really feeling like that small state so that I continue to be willing to go to any length to not drink. So I made that list and I went everywhere to make complete amends. I didn't care what the consequences were going to be. I Didn't care if it meant spending the rest of my life in prison instead of drinking and beating my wife and daughter to death or whatever I might do in a drunken rage, it's up to God. And nothing horrible happened. All good things happened. I mean, not everybody wanted to see me or talk to me or accept that I want to change things. There was a lot of nasty words said. But for the most part, a lot OF really good experiences happened. There were people that I wasn't even aware of that God was putting in my life. That first step son was standing in a line in a bank. I had no idea where I'd ever find them because she made it clear when we got divorced that she didn't want to see me. I didn't know she had gotten remarried, had another kid, moved away but he was standing on the line in the bank and I recognized him immediately when God put him in my wife. I was able to make that amends. Girlfriends that I never thought I would find would just show up in my Life. I think one that touched me the most was a girl who was so kind to me. Every time I was locked up, somehow she would come up and visit me and I was always horrible to this girl and I looked at her in complete fear of making this amends because I was so ashamed of what I had done and she looked me dead in the eye and said two things. The first thing she said was, you may have been the first dirtbag I met but you weren't the last and the second thing she did that brought me to tears was, I'm just really glad that you're doing well because every once in a while I wonder whatever happened to Bart? Is he alive? Is he in prison? Whatever happened to him? And now I'm set free because I know you're okay and I never have to think of that again. And that's what the ninth step is all about. The big book says that the ninth-step promises come in the ninth steps. Probably the only thing in that book that didn't hold perfectly true for me I got totally free of those nine-step promises when I became willing in the eighth step. They all just came. The ninth step for me, most of the experiences with the ninth step was that they got free. They no longer had to have resentment. They no long had to fear. They no more had to hatred for me in their heart. That was my experience with the nine-stepped. while I was doing that ninth step traveling everywhere and looking up everybody he taught me this prayer meditation life he taught me to pause all through the day to ask God for right thought of direction all through the day, to plan my day,to review my day and that's what I've been doing ever since I was a little less than three months sober And it was the first time that Eric came back to that Utopia Young People's group. We had just finished reading, working with others. And there was a rehab called the Creedmoor Rehab that used to come to that meeting every Friday night in a van. And the speaker shares experience, strength, and hope. And then they raised to a show of hands anybody knew. and the first guy to raise his hand was this young kid probably about 6 foot 5 or so shaved head, completely tattooed no teeth and all he had to say was I can't stand and he didn't say it nicely that I can not stand all years I want to kill you and just raging on and Eric looked at me and he said after the meeting I want you to go up to that guy and win his confidence and I looked at him like what are you nuts? and that wasn't because he was angry or what he looked like the hell do I got to offer I'm less than three months sober Bart have you thought of picking up a drink no how's your life it's actually really pretty good he opened up to a vision for you you're one man with this book in your hand and you just tapped into a power greater than yourself with that you can transmit this book hasn't lied yet so after the meeting before the prayer I said my own little prayer running out the door to beat him to the van approached him told him how I identified to being so pissed off and told him how I wanted to kill my sponsor just talking to him he said how would you like visitors on Sunday he said will you bring me a sandwich? You got it. Showed up with a sandwich and this book every Sunday and I watched him recover. I watched Him come out of there and he had a girlfriend that was running the streets, I think in Pennsylvania. He had a son in foster care. He was going to Pennsylvania and getting supervised visits with his son, and eventually brought his son home to be a single dad. It's what you don't want to miss. That's what AA is all about. I couldn't stay sober from 1987 to 1995 because AA was boring. watching that is not boring the miracles that can happen in this program are not boring if you're in a a doing the deal live in this way of life practicing all of these principles and your life a is definitely not boring you get to do a whole lot of stuff you want to do and a whole lot stuff you don't want to do that ends up fun I mean I never would have got to see this state I never what got to meet friends that possibly could be lifelong friends now great people you people treated me amazingly I mean I want to thank again my host and you know everybody put this together I mean I wouldn't get to witness these things if I was still drinking and I wouldnít get to witnesses things if i was just not drinking we're trying to not just drink and come to meetings. AA would be boring and I'd keep drinking. That was my experience. People used to tell me all the time, Bart, just don't pick up no matter what. And I couldn't do it. And AA would get boring and i would drink. I haven't stopped working with others ever since that guy. I've gotten to watch him recover and watch him help other people recover. He vanished and I don't know if he's still sober, you know. I know he had some really hard times and got into a real bad accident. If you stop living this, you won't stay sober. If you keep living this you will stay sober, it's just that simple. I never ever ever want to lose the passion for living this way of life. My heroes today are so much different, you now. When I was in that fifth grade and prior to that I'd look out the window and I'd see those guys passing the bottle. Today my hero is all my sponsor, Eric, who showed me this way of life, who began to get extremely ill, who was going for kidney dialysis three times a week, who was getting pieces of his foot amputated from diabetes, and he was living in a cot from a beautiful home to living in the cot in Freeport, New York at somebody else's house, but he was still reading that book to newcomers that heard that he had a way of staying sober. And until the day he went into a coma and then finally left us, he carried this message. My friend Don Pritz, who did the same thing, traveled this entire country on a regular basis. Till the day He took His last breath, He was carrying this message in Colorado. I mean, He knew He was going to die that night and went to speak. I mean that's a passion for carrying this Message that I hope and pray I never ever lose. I don't want to settle for the crumbs. I want the whole banquet at AA office. I love it. I love the effect produced by it. Eric, just real quick about Eric. He had a huge ego and we all have different personalities and God uses them. You know, I often say, you know, I got here and I was a complete mess with no education. And I really just didn't leave God much to work with. But whatever you get here with, he uses it. We all have different personalities. But if you're willing to let God use them, he will and we attract people. And Eric had a horrendous personality, just a huge ego. I mean, I always wanted to kill him. It wasn't just the day that I heard him speaking. I loved him for carrying the message. and we argued all the time, and he had an arrogant way of meeting people. It was just his personality, but it worked for him. When he was real sick, there was a new group that had started from a bunch of people that he had started sponsoring, and it was around his AA anniversary, and they told him that the group was celebrating a year anniversary and that they wanted him to speak for the anniversary. He wouldn't have come to celebrate his own anniversary, but they want me to speak for their group anniversary? Will you wheel me down there? Whatever you need, Eric. So they got him to come speak for the one-year anniversary. And when he got there, he saw a whole lot of people that he knew weren't from that home group and he was wondering what so many people were doing there and it was for his anniversary And what they started to do was, this guy Luis, he said, would everybody that's been sponsored by Eric please stand up? And a few of us stood up. And the room was packed. And then he said remain standing. And then He said, would everybody who's been sponsored by the people who just stood up please stand up? A few more people stood up and He continued to do that until every single person except for a couple of newcomers were standing up. Every single one of us in this room could be Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob. The program, the fellowship will grow up around you. That's a promise, an absolute fact. All you have to do is be willing. You know, I recently moved from New York to Arizona. And in New York, I sponsored a tremendous amount of people. I walked into meetings and I always had conversations about recovery I knew everybody everywhere I went I got to Sedona and they were doing AA different I'll say it nicer tonight They were doing it different I was suffering I was starting to get really full of fear because work with other alcoholics is the most important thing, and they didn't seem to be working with other alcoolics. Couldn't even really find any alcoholics to work with. They were all sober. It was a tough move. Sedona was really kicking my butt. The move was kicking my but. But I never really established the relationship that I would probably want to have had with my dad. And before I had moved, he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And he never knew, because of his personality, how to be a father. He wasn't an alcoholic. He had what people would call, and I get offended, what people Would call alcoholic personality. He was just a self-centered man, and you don't have to be an alcoholic to be self-centred. You don't Have to be An alcoholic To be a lot of the things that human beings can be. That's just a human condition, and he suffered from them. I remember... It's important to tell this story. I remember when I made the amends to my father, my mom had remarried and my mom died when she was 57 years old. A week before, my plan was to go make the ammends to her. So if there's really important ones, don't put it off a day. When my mom die, I knew my father was the next on the list and I had to make direct amends to my mother through my father because who knows my mother better than my father? So that's how I did it. When I was talking about my mother, my mother was remarried to a man who was a horror. I mean, he was a mentally abusive man, and I never liked him. But I, whatever, I just didn't like him. When my mother died, I showed up to the house, and he handed me what my mother had that was my sister's. And he said, this is what's yours, now get out of here. I didn't handle that well. I was new in sobriety and I didn't handle that well And I had to go make that amends And I did, you know, I broke things in his house And I was willing to fix all of that Because we stick to our own side of the street When I was making the amends with my father I was discussing my mother And her relationship with her marriage And how horrible that man was I don't know why the conversation I do know why it came up Because my father looked at me and he said Danny loved your mother with all of his heart. Maybe his heart was only that big. And I looked at my father, and I said to myself, Dad, I know you love me with all your heart, but this is all you got. It's just his personality. And from that day on, I called my father on a regular basis and listened to him talk about himself for an hour or two. Never asked about his granddaughter or anything else, just talked about himself. But I was being a son. When he got pancreatic cancer, my fiancee Tara said, tell him he's got to come live with us. What? Tell him he has to come and live with you. You won't regret it. Oh yes I will. The house we were living in Tara owned for 21 years. When the man got there, he redecorated the entire kitchen. Because she was doing it all wrong. That's just who he was. And he came to live with us, and they gave him three months to live. And he wasn't getting sick, so he decided that he was going to go back home to Florida to his friends. And here was another opportunity to try to get him to find God before he dies. because he may not know how to be a father but this program taught me how to be a son and to not only bear witness to alcoholics but to everybody in our life so I said to my father is it possible that God is giving you some more healthy days so you can get to know your son, your granddaughter your granddaughter's your son's future wife and Tara's daughter. And he said, got to go up and pack. And there he went. And he left. And then he got sick and he called us up and he said I'm not feeling good it's getting close to the end I'm coming to live with you. Well we bought a house in Sedona, Arizona we got to move there. Okay. Drove all the way from Florida to New York with Tara. Got on a plane with me, Tara, with me. My father got on the plane with my father. He got on a airplane with me and Tara's daughter and himself. And Tara and her dad drove a car. On the plane, probably the worst night of my life, he got totally sick. I mean, really bad. Like, Dad, do you want me to tell the pilot to land? No, no, no. And I didn't know what to do. I mean, here's a man in excruciating pain up in the air. Next day he went into the hospital and then he came home and I had to give him morphine around the clock and it lasted a week and he was gone. Things didn't go well in Arizona and I needed AA. I called my friend Jerry Elkins in Kansas. This is what AA does for you. just tell me and I'll be on a plane. I'll come there with you. I knew that it touched my heart that Jerry was willing to come and help me, but I knew what I really needed was to work with an alcoholic. And that's what I started doing. Went into meditation and knew, God, please, please show me alcoholics to work for. I've got quite a lot of sponsees now. People are goofing on me. Oh, there's Bart's flock. They've never seen it there. Tara and I started a big book study meeting. The fellowship can grow up around you if you just ask God for the help. And you will be guaranteed to stay sober. If you try to just drink and go to meetings, you're almost guaranteed, if you're an alcoholic of my type, to not stay sober? it's been my experience and I've watched it with tons and tons of other alcoholics if you're in it you'll never want to get out of it and if you are not in it you're always going to want to but not know what it is that was always my experience thanks again for letting me share tonight it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.