Ten Treatment Centers Never Revealed the Spiritual Malady – Joe H.

Joe McHugh from Little Rock, Arkansas. Joe's a fellow Joe. My name is Joe and I'm definitely an alcoholic. But as a result of God's grace that came into my life, as a results of this program called Alcoholics Anonymous, and the wonderful people that love me in this fellowship, It hasn't been necessary for me to take a drink today, nor has it been necessary for me not to take one. for me now to take a drink since March 10th of 1962, and tonight I am extremely grateful for this great gift. As my big book says, I'm standing here tonight, I know, with a way of life that I didn't know existed. And tonight I know a little bit about heaven from a gift unwarranted from a loving God and a bunch of people that didn't even know me. It's good to be here tonight. Lubell and I have been looking forward to coming to this conference. It's been sort of a vacation period for us. We just had our Arkansas State Conference last week. We went home and touched base for a couple of days and took off again, and it's been a wonderful thing, very enjoyable. I'd like to thank the committee for inviting us. I never really liked to make a talk in Alcoholics Anonymous and I think it's something very special to me until I fill myself with God's grace and truly tonight I am standing here through a gift unwarranted they say at an AA talk and if I am able to make one tonight it will be through a gifted gift a gift unwanted we tell a little bit about how it was and what happened and how it is now. I think these three things are very, very important to our lives. I think it is necessary that we talk a little bit about how it was so we can identify with each other. Surely one of the most beautiful drunkologues in Bill's story in the beautiful big book. If it wasn't there, I don't know where I would be. I think that this is what our program is all about. It talks about laying down our lives, that giving, sharing our experience, strength, and hope. And I think that the greatest gift that sometimes a man can give is his experience, lay down his life for another so that we could see the pitfalls and avoid these things in our lives. Surely we are blessed for this great gift. But I think it's also necessary that we discuss a little bit about how it is now. And I love to talk about the many miracles that have taken place in my life in the fellowship of alcoholics and arms. I've had plenty, and I'm looking forward to plenty more. and we say in Alcoholics Anonymous miracles that this is a common thing it's just basically getting what you need when you need it and I've been getting this all since I've Been In The Program and I think one of the most important things we must discuss is how this program works regardless of where we are in our lives or sobriety and I stand in awe at my life it's unbelievable that I could live and I could be as happy and I Could Be As Contented but still yet I realize there's a lot more in the problem of Alcoholics Anonymous, if I could better apply those steps to my life. And it kind of makes me shudder at times when I think that probably I'm going to go to graveyard with the best of it left in me. Because I didn't apply and seek out that growth that God has within me. I don't know how it began for me. I was just a messed up drunk and about to relax. That's a guy I told, a beautiful one that really struck me the other day. It's typical for a drunk. Well, I guess it's about where my wife was. She said this drunk was having a head, had a little problem the night before. He woke up the next morning on the beach and he was dragging along just trying to make it in and just about at that time of tragedy, it was just about almost taking place on a beach, a man was drowning in the surf and the Coast Guard had just barely pulled him to the beach and this drunk would stagnate along and they were working as hard as they could to get the water out of him. and they were pumping and pumping and popping and pumping. And this drunk staggered up just at the wrong time and said, what are y'all doing? And they said, get away, getaway. They were in a prayer and they kept on pumping and puffing and pumping and finally the drunk said, hell, if he don't get his behind out of the water he's going to pump the ocean dry. Yeah. We drunks always end up in that sort of situation. But I remember how it began for me as an alcoholic. I think this is what's so beautiful about the four-step of Alcoholics Anonymous, that I can look back at my past because I know I'm a product of my past experience. And I can see myself as I grew up, and I think I'm very blessed to be a person who's had a problem to have this tool in my life. And I know as I grew up, I know I was always restless and irritable and discontent in my life. I knew I surely must have had some good times as a child, but I remember all the pain in my life. I remember the disappointments. This is a product of what I was. I was born in Louisville, Kentucky, and I came from a very poor family. And that wasn't unique in those days because everybody was poor. But I never did like my existence in life. life. And I guess I always was restless and irritable and discontent. And somewhere, you know, after I had about 18 years old, I finally, for the first time in my life, I experienced alcohol. I know tonight that probably I experienced some genuine relief in my life. I never forgot it. And it's become an intricate part of my way of life. I remember my first drink very vividly, and I remember my last drink. And I had a lot of things that go on in between these two drinks. I remember, you know, the sense of ease and comfort that came from taking a few drinks. And I have a lot of problems as a result of that. I made a lot of bad decisions immediately after. I look back and see what happened to my life And immediately after that, I decided I was going to go. I had just started in college and I didn't really like what was going on in my life. I got tired of being broke and tired of all these other things. So I decided to leave school and get married. And that was one of the series of bad decisions I was about to make. I got married and I moved to Indiana. And with a young marriage and a young drinking problem, I lived about five years. And we were divorced. lost. And I came back to Kentucky, and I know that, you know, to kind of look at my life and kind of see what was going on. And, I really decided, you know, I think we all take these upper inventories somewhere in our lives. We always stop and think we don't do the searching and fearless, but I stopped long enough to look at things and I decided, well, you just got married too early, you didn't have no fun after all All things are going to be better. And I began to travel in and out of Louisville, Kentucky, trying to find that place, that place that I know tonight that never existed where I could drink and manage my life. And I spent quite a few years, and I spent a lot of hurt and a lotof pain. I know what it is to be broke, andI know whatit is to pick up a cigarette butt out of the gutter. But I knowwhat it is because alcoholism carried me there. I had a father that lived in Kentucky at this time And thank God, God let my father live to the ripe old age of 86 To let me find a good life But in those days, you know We had a strange thing going And things were quite different My father was up in age And I would leave town and go off and get sick Whenever I got broke, I got interested in my family I never got interested until I got broken Whenever I Got Broke, I said There is your father He's an old man Man, after all, you're not doing him right. You ought to go home and see how he's doing. And I would always go home and visit my relatives when I got broke. And my father, he wasn't like the proper son. He never did have his hands stretched out. He grabbed his pocketbook when he saw me coming. And the only way I could get any money out of him was... I really... It's a shame. We're talking about we drunks are smart. I don't know how smart we are. My father was a hell of a lot smarter than I was. By that time, he was a little old fourth grade man man had a fourth grade education, and after all, I was a college man. And I'm sort of like Will Rogers. It seems, you know, the older I get, the smarter my father seems to be. But he would never lend me no money until I got ready to leave town. I found out he would always lend me money to leave. He would never lent me any money. And, you know, I would make these excursions in and out of town and get myself in trouble and to come back and lose a job and embarrass him and take off again. And I had been away just for a short period of time, and it seemed like things had fallen apart in my life very shortly. And I just couldn't, I had a swark of decency. I couldn't just subject myself back onto him, so I thought about a sister that I had in Little Rock, Arkansas. She had left, I hadn't seen her for about seven, eight years. She had went off there to go to school and get an education, and twice she was there, she'd gotten married. And I hadn't seen her for about six or seven years. And I thought about her. I said, now there's one you're not doing right. You're not treating your sister right. You ought to go to see her. So I think this was a great change in my life. This was the beginning. And I think, you know, this was the getting of God unbeknownst to myself working in my life because I just thought I was going to Arkansas, you know, to visit my sister, another escape. escape. But I have realizations now that God was working in my life at this time. God took an interest in me because he loved me, not because he liked me. And I was to go to that part of the country where I'd never been before to find some people who I never knew to show me a way of life which I didn't know existed. And this is the way I came to Little to Rock, Arkansas that morning on the bus. I was broken. I was sick. And I was traveling with everything I had in the world. I had a little suitcase. It wasn't too long. And typical drunk traveling. I work with alcoholics every day and they still travel the same way. I don't know what class you call it. But it's a long way from first. But I had a little raggedy suitcase. And something about those Those drunk suitcases, the latch never works on both ends. You've got to tie a necktie around it. You know, you probably still see those. This is the way I came, and I think it's great. And I think people are always talking about have your goals. This is great. It's great to have goals. You know everybody talks about the one-sided way of living. It's good to have your own goals. It's just great to help goals in life. It's straight to help goes. But it's also good to know where you came from. It's also so good to not where you are. And I know where I came from And I thank God, I'll never forget it. And as I got there, I got a job, as usual, and I always couldn't get a job. I'd never seen a drug, couldn't getting a job if you drank like I did. You had to have quite a few professions, you know. I worked with alcoholics, and a guy came to me some years ago. He knew I was, he had some scheme, you now, to get a grant to help alcoholics. And he was telling me, you kno, he wanted to set up a training program for alcoholics I told him, hell, all of them I know need other training. I ain't never seen none need training. But I live with my sister. You have to really understand, now, my sister's a very religious person. And she's a beautiful, a beautiful boy. Just one of them normal individuals, you know, just solid. Them kind that bug you, you don't know. Just been that way all her life, you known. I couldn't stand that. Really, I couldn'T stand that one. But she had a beautiful little family, and they were struggling there. She just had finished college after about six years and two years having these kids. And they were struggled, and then they really didn't need me. And this is where I ended up with those kind of people. We drunks always end up with the wrong people. Now, these kind of People get up on Sunday morning and do all this church bit, you know, all that shoeshine and all that stuff. Man, that's horrible when you've had a bad night and you're trying to lay in a little bit. And you remember it's embarrassing, too, when you're not contributing too much to the household. And they started asking me about church several weeks, and finally they sounded like they was threatening me. So one Sunday morning I went to church with them. And this is where God placed Bluebell into my life. And I think Bluebell's a great part of my life, Bluebells are part of sicknesses, she's part of sobriety. This is why, you know, Al-Anon and AA together is in our home, and it's part our lives, and I thank God for Al-anon. But I remember, she tells it another way how we met there at the church. And I remember Lubell was a good friend of my sister's. Now, my sister had always been involved in music and she played the organ in our church. And Lubelle was in the choir. Now, I know how Lubella was kind of overwhelmed by seeing this nice-looking young man at that time coming into the church with the organist. You know, and her husband was the lay speaker of our church today. Today, he's the pastor of one of the larger United Methodist churches there. But I had a pretty good front, a pretty Good Camouflage. And so Volubio and I met there in the church. You know how we alcoholics operate by selling fast conversations. I'm slow thinking Al-Anons. And I give her my best shot, you know, and I didn't give her too much time to think. And we were married very shortly, about three months. And really, this was when the thing really began to go on in our lives. I remember we were married right at Christmas Eve, and it was okay to drink during the Christmas holidays, so I tied it on pretty good. I'll make the guy say that I always was a go-getter. I took her to work and went and got her. But that Monday morning she went to work, and I was sitting there still drinking. You know, I sat there and drank and celebrated on. Everybody else is going on. I'm just celebrating. I celebrated another day. Finally, I celebrated the whole week. And I could tell along about Tuesday. You know, one thing about them, Al-Anon, they learn slow. But when they start learning, boy, they come on pretty fast. By Tuesday, she started figuring out what she had. Really. And this is why I say Al-ANon, you know, the great wounds that I caused. And I know how she must have felt after one week of drinking. Because I made my first trip to the old nut house after one week of marriage and one week of drinking. One week in an armed nuthouse. I know how she felt when she went to church that Sunday and somebody said, Oh, how is marriage life? She said, That food's in the nuthous already. She didn't mean it in one week. You know, I still talk about the insanity of alcoholism and so many times, you know, I think many of us think it talks about the insane things things we do when we're drinking. I think very vividly it's talking about the second step is after the first step. And the first step is afterwards we stop drinking. So it's all about the state of the mind preceding the first drink. The state of our mind sober. And I know today that I was insane sober. Because I had to be insane to pick up the first drink. And I remember in this old hospital I was there and I remember I was the smartest guy in the state hospital. Smartest guy in Nuthouse at the time. And, you know, I don't really know if I work with alcoholics and I'm trying to do things in my state to make things better for the alcoholic. This is my world and this is my work. But I'm really glad that maybe we didn't have some of the things like we have today for the alcoholics. Maybe in my time it didn't work for me because they would have killed me to death with all these detox cylinders they've got now. But man, we didn' t have that when I was a drinker. They just throw you in there with them. I was in there with 80 nuts, and you ought to try to sober up cold turkey and watch 80 nuts at the same time. Okay, I got out of there, and I drank, and it went on and on, and it was another year before, and there was a back-and-forth on these excursions. I was traveling drunk, and we had all kinds of problems, And I was on one of these excursions in Kansas City where I went off and I'd stay for three or four months and drink and work and finally make it back. And I Was In A Bar One Morning Drinking And God Used Strange People. And I Think This Is Why, You Know, Today I Have To Be So Mindful Of The People That God Speaks To Me In My Life. Sometimes, Most Times It's Not The High And The Almighty. Sometimes It's The Small And The Insignificant People That Got Used To Speak To Me. And there was a little wine aisle in a bar in Kansas City, and I had been going to this particular bar. And that morning I went to the bar, and morning drinking was a thing in my life. And that evening sitting at the bar I lured myself to go down at the other end of the bar. And we had a class system in that place. I lared myself to got down there with the winos. They were way down there at the end of bar. And I was not a wino, by the way, unless my money said wine occasionally. something. So, you know, I went down there and these guys were trying to get their money together to get a pint of wine. I think it was 55 or 60 cents. And after all, I had $4 that morning. And I always did like to help my fellow man. And these guys was scuffing. So I said, that's okay, I'll buy. And it was three of us there. And the customs do change in bar to bar. But in this particular bar, they didn't let the winos have the bottles. I don't know what they thought they would do with them, but they would pour them up in glasses. They would take a pint o' wine and pour it up in glasses, and the way you would order, say, give me a pint on three or a pint on four. You know, that's the way we ordered. So that morning we said a pint of three or four and this girl set the glasses up and she could pour those glasses and when she started one in, when she finished they would all be level and she would just flip the bottle over into a huge paper barrel. Everybody on the street used to talk about how good Lucille was at pouring this wine because she could pour it perfectly. Of course, she did it all day. And after she finished pouring it, all the winos got down and looked at it. You don't know, they got God damn it. Because nothing is perfect for these kind of people. And sometimes they would vote or hold a meeting on which one, or they would examine them thoroughly. And finally, they were determined that one glass did have a hair more than the other. And classy people as they were, they would give that to the guy who bought them. So there I was helping these winos. And God had a message from me, from a little guy named Van. You know, Van looked at me and he began to talk and tears were running down his eyes and he was shaking that morning. He was standing there and he said, Joe, you know, you're a pretty nice guy. Well, I'd been knowing that. And he said Joe, you know you're not the kind of guy you're like different from me and you're lot different than the other gladiators guys down here on the street. I knew that too. But then he said Joe, you're drinking too much. You're drinking to much. Well, I had a lot of well-meaning people to tell me that I had the psychiatrist at the hospital. I'm a medical doctor. I'm minister. All my family, people I work for, they didn't have what Van had. See, Van had a problem. It was obvious that Van had an issue. And he struck home. And I don't know where I'd be tonight if it wasn't for Van. Because he sowed the seed. And I struck it out of that place and I went to work and I wrestled that day. That day, in about four or five days, I just had to get out of that place and come back. I came back to Arkansas to quit drinking. I came Back to straighten up my life. And this would be my last attempt before I found the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous because I had never seen it. It's a very strange thing. I wonder how many people are going to get in the world that were still like me. I know AlcoholicsAnonymous was alive and well. But you know, in my life, in 1962, I had not seen another alcoholic do nothing but what what I was doing, drink and die. I had heard vividly, I had seen some movies, but I had never met another alcoholic that was sober and I had ever met nobody that had met one. You know, we were really anonymous because I had never met another alcoholic. So I had no hope. Every alcoholic I'd seen drank and died. So I didn't have any hope. So I decided, you know, I was going to quit drinking and I didn' t drink for nine months. And finally, you know, after nine months You know, I know what happened in my life today I know that morning came And I know the big book says And I think this is why I'm so blessed today For our forefathers For the people in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous Who laid down their experiences And I was glad when I could come And open this big book of Alcoholic Anonymous And they talked about The day will come We don't have the fence to get the first drink And I can associate this experience in my lifetime With the experiences in the lives of these people Who laid it down The first 100 hungry. Where would I be tonight without these people? You know, and that morning I took a drink, and I didn't know what was going on, but it went through the well known spree. And after about six weeks of drinking, on March 10th, 1962, I ended up in Dozer, that same old state hospital, that old nuthouse. And this morning I was sitting on a bar, and I was setting on a barn that morning, andI didn't knew anything about God, very little. I had some religious training, but as far as my, I didn't have an understanding of God. And you know, I think in this program, that's what it's all about. This program ain't about finding God. So many, many times we harp, you got to find God, you gotta find God. No, ain't you. This program Ain't About Finding God. This program about giving up on me. And that's What I did on that bar. I just gave up on Me. And God went to work in my life. And the very next moment, I had the idea of going back to that old state hospital. And this is where I went. And as I got there that morning, I spent my... And I know it was the beginning of a miracle because I had $2.50. And any time a drunk get off a bar with $2... A drunk like a real alcoholic like me get off of a bar with $1.50 and spend $2 of it for a cab fare at a nuthouse, that's a miracle. And as i walked back in there, I was hoping they would let me back in. In two years, I had swore I would never go back, but they let me in. And I don't know if any of y'all ever been to one of those type of institutions. It's a lot different. You know, it's a lot different atmosphere. Now remember, you know, there were mostly mental patients in this ward and they would see us alcoholics come and go for 30 days. And we were the status symbol of the ward. It's the only place where alcoholics in the world was the status symbol to be an alcoholic in this place. See, those people never had visitors. Their family put them in there and simply forgot about them. There was one guy there who was 36 and had been there since he was six years old. They would become nine people. People, and I have seen, you know, really the people that yearn for love. I actually saw that people had desperation for somebody to be concerned about. So they would see us, the aides would give us a paper, they would even talk to us about the ball game, and nobody would associate with them. So when you went in there and asked one of those nuts what he was in there for, he said, I'm an alcoholic. See, he wanted to be in the big shot class. And of course, quite naturally, we alcoholics, when you asked us, we said we have nervous breakdowns, which was crazy. so you couldn't tell who was who by just looking you know so I told them I was in there for a drink and I didn't use that dirty word you know and I think they watched me finally on the third day a little guy named Ora and I thank God tonight for the life of Ora Guy or Ora's not with us don't break his anonymity But where would I be tonight without little Ora and little Van and Lubell And all the people that brought me to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous These people that came before And Ora, you know, I didn't need a learned person in the skills of the Fellowsship of Alcoholic Anonymous And surely Ora was not And I call Ora my 12-stepper I give him that honor Because Ora came to me And he, you know, with a week of sobriety and the big book. And I caught in a can of cigarettes. And he showed love. He showed an interest in my life. And he sat down beside me. And he began to tell me what he knew about the big books. Which was, you now, nothing but this AA thing. And he would say, you kno, it sounds pretty good. And, you kow, I didn't have any money. Like, I arrived there with 50 cents. I bought one stack of cigarettes I think it was about 30 cents, and I blew the rest off some candy bars when I was broke. And they'd give me something to roll your own tobacco and paper, but I never did learn how I would try so hard to roll that cigarette. And God, man, you know, it would ball up, and it would fall down in my lap, and I would cry so hard. Now, I didn't have any problem with talking about your life is unmanly because the only way I could smoke in that place was take my tobacco and pepper and give it to one of them nuts and let him roll it and lick it and give back to him. And here's this guy standing in there with a whole carton of Ready Roll Camel cigarettes. Now, that's a premium. I love the work of Paul, and I think it's so beautiful. You know, he talks about God's grace is sufficient. God's race is sufficient, but all I had was just enough. You know? And this sweet little guy sat down beside me, and he began to talk about the big book. And that Wednesday night, March 1962, Ora had given me cigarettes. Ora had shown some concern for my situation, which is love, simple love. Because Ora loved me, you know, he invited me and I got, because he was nice to me and because he loved me I got up out of the back wards of that old state hospital over 20 years ago. and I went out into a dining room to get a cup of coffee and a cigarette because he told me these three guys from Alcoholics Anonymous brought cigarettes out and laid them on the table they bought three packs of cigarettes and an old pot of coffee out there and I was in the living room and I got out there to get up a cup of coffee and a cigaret and God gave me a brand new life God gave мне a way of living that I didn't know existed until tonight I know a little bit about heaven. And this gift is unwarranted, because I sure did deserve it. And I met these three guys now called Shnomus. And I remember, you know, I didn' t knock down the doors of AA when I got out of the hospital. But Ora told me to come back. You know, he came back to Little Rock. And I went out there to a meeting that night. And things were so much different. And I guess, I don' t know where it was, but maybe not being in the hospital, It was six weeks later, and I hadn't been to a meeting since I got out. And this guy drove 90 miles again back to Little Rock, and I went out there just to meet him. And it was something strange that happened there that night. And I think that is what is happening here this weekend. That is what has happened to egg groups all over the world, to brand-new drugs. You know, our big book talks about it. It says, you know, that we are average Americans right here in this room tonight. We come from different backgrounds, you Know, different social, different religion, different economic, different races. There's a varied group of people here this weekend. Said we are normally people that should not mix. And truly none of us should have never known the other. We have nothing in common. Said but amongst us, you know, there is something that is indescribably wonderful. Wonderful. There's something very close amongst us as strange kinds of people. And it says, we are like the passengers on a great liner. This beautiful illustration that talks about, I can see the people on this great liner and I can seen a man in the storage section, this poor immigrant that was in the storage section. You know, just barely paying his way over. And this rich guy that was at the captain's table and all his family. They had nothing in common. And their paths should have never crossed until they hit that iceberg and they both went in the water. Then they had something in common. They had a common problem that bound them together. And this is what binds us together. And that's what I found there at that meeting that night. I found the love. I found that the common problem. I had the fellowship of these people and the support. But then my book said, beware. and I think sometimes in Alcoholics Anonymous we depend so much on that common problem he says the other thing that we have that we can join in Brothers Hardman is actually that we don't have a common solution and I found that in Alcoholic Anonymous and I remember you know I was at the time this was 1962 and I guess it's quite obvious although my name is McQuainy I don't get too many invitations to St. Patrick's Day Parade in 1962 ain't the best time to serve up because they were having demonstrations and all these other things about six blocks from where the club was. You know, it was all along the streets there. You know how Arkansas Little Rock was at this time right after the 57th situation. And all this was going on and I showed up. I always do everything at the wrong time. And you know, I had a lot of problems during this time But I think everything that we have to happen, and if you're a new person, the things that you have to have are all necessary. And I realize today that these things are necessary for my sobriety and for my life. Because God's timing is never off. And I remember, you know, I would go to clubs some morning, to the meetings. And one morning I went, and the guy, the manager called me in. And he said, Joe, he said I want to talk to you. And he would always call me son. God bless him. The old man, he's gone. But something, he would always call me son and pat me on the shoulder. And that meant a whole lot to me. And that morning he called me in and he said, Son, you're doing fine. He said, but when you come to the meeting from now on in the morning, he said you can't drink coffee. He said as soon as the meeting's over you have to leave. And you know I came back. I came black because I had an admission to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And to me, an omission means to On a ticket it says An omission, it says to let one in And I had bought that ticket with my sufferings My sufferings had given me a desire to stop drinking So I came back And I kept on coming back Now finally, you know The whole thing turned around And these peoples Began to love me And they began to share You know, I had the fellowship, and I think that's what this program talks about. But it also says, you know, there's vital spiritual experience. And I picked up the big book of Archons and Alamists to be the big books of Archon and Alamus and most precise, specific, clear-cut plan program. And they said a program is a sequence. A program, the word program, means a sequence of events that are ought to occur. And if these sequences of events occur, they're guaranteed. heat. And I think this is what our forefathers were talking about, is rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. And to me, I think the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a textbook and it does three things in a precise manner. Number one, it shows me the exact nature of my problem. That's the first thing the book does. And it's the basic way to solve problems. You can't solve a problem unless you understand it. The first step to recovery is to understand the problem. Then my book explains to me the the solution to the problem. And third and finally, it shows me a plan of recovery. And simply I think the big book number one shows me where I was, and then it told me where I believed I ought to be, and they laid out a plan to go from one to two. And you know I was the kind of drunkard, I didn't know where I wasn't. I had some idea. But in order to recover, I had to know the exact nature of my problem. So I began to pick up these these 12 simple steps in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and thank God for Dr. Silkworth. Because remember, Dr. silkworth told Bill what his problem was. And he talked about, you know, that it says in his, it was wrapped into the statement, powerless over alcohol, this was my problem. And I picked up this book, and I found out in step one that I was powerless over how my life had become a mess. But this is where I was. In the doctor's opinion, it talks about the two phases of my illness. It talks about allergies to body, and I didn't know that I was allergic to alcohol. You know, when you... And I don't think many drugs know that they have a normal reaction to alcohol because when you're abnormal, the doctor says later, when you have normal all your life, you think abnormal is normal. You know? And, you know, it says that I craved alcohol when I drank it. I didn' t know this. I'll buy a drill and never had looked at it. I guess that's why I thought everybody else used willpower, but they don't. He said they just don't crave it. It never occurs in the average tempered drinker. When I take alcohol, I drink my alcohol in my life, I crave alcohol. And he said, that's abnormal. And you don't have to be no genius. If you crave alcohol when you drink it, then there ain't no wrong way to treat that. Just don't drink it. And you will never crave alcohol again. Now the other half of my problem was more complicated. And he says we think the main problem with the alcoholic sentence in his mind is that I become restless and irritable and discontent. And then I would remember the sense of ease and comfort that comes with taking a few drinks. That strange quirk of the man. And once I would recall, I would reach over and take a few drunks of alcohol. And it would shoot over and trigger the craving in my body. Boy, that's a trap. That is a real trap. And it says, you know, if you can't drink because of the body and you can quit because of mind then you are powerless over alcohol That's the exact nature of the problem Of course, once I saw where I was and I think that this is what the doctor do When we go to the doctor, the doctor does that simply It was talked about yesterday and alcoholism is a strange illness In most cases, the Doctor does the diagnosis and the Doctor prescribes the medicine and then the patient helps the Doctor with the treatment plan When alcoholism is a sort of strange illness, then the victim has to diagnose, prescribe, and carry out the treatment plan. All by himself, and this is why he needs help in directions. Now once I saw where I was, he talked about we believe you need to be over here. Came to believe that our power of prayer, that ourselves can restore your sanity. And I think that this is abuse. Came to Believe. You know what we're talking about to believe. You know, believe is our knowledge, our information prized, the knowledge up front. It may be not to be correct, but came to believe. Now it didn't say I had to know, it just said had to believe, and to me I think believe is very simple. It's sort of like this being suspicious, that's all you got to be. You don't have to know you just have to believe And it was easy to me believing because I had some wonderful people to look at And I could look at these people and believe Believe. Now, I think this, he didn't say believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore me to sanity. I didn't have to know. But I had a lot of problems with this second step. And finally, you know, I look back, I thank this as old as mankind himself. And this program has been used since many, many times. The basic principles of living are always the same. You know, there was a little prodigal son and he had a problem. Sort of like I was. was, you know, he had an insidious problem. He had a problem of self. See, it talks about the sheep and it talks about the other things involved in the coin. But this little pramka son, the sheep was lost because of the sheep. And in that job, it was the shepherd's job to go find the sheep, so the shepherd went out and found the sheep It was the shepherds' responsibility in that case. The coin was lost, and the woman owned the coin and in that situation she, the coin, it was her job to find the coin so she swept diligently until she found it. The coin couldn't do anything. But the prodigal son and I were the victims of self-will. We had something different than the sheep and the coin. We had the ability of self-willed so the prodigial son left on his own. Remember he said you know I don't want to wait around here for no funerals to get my money. I'm going to leave. You know give me mine now. And he exercised self- will and he got off and he He got into trouble. And that's a bad, you know, they say he was in a pig pen. And that is a bad place for a little Jew boy to be, you know. David gets on to me about that. But, you know, they don't like those things. But, and he got there. I don't know really what his problem was. But remember why, it mentioned wine, women, and songs. So I don' t know. It didn' t say, I don''t know if he ever made the program, but he was, you know, he was close to what we were. it. I had a woman say something to me one day or something. I said, Joe, I don't know if he was an alcoholic or not. I say, well, you know, a little young boy don't waste his money on apple pie, hot dogs, ice cream and Chevrolet. You know, he must have been doing something. But he said the key to the thing in the story was he came to himself. He said he found himself. And he found Himself. And that's what I did with the first step of the the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I found myself. I saw where I was. And that's the first step to recovery. And he used the second step too because as soon as he found out where he was, then he said, you know, I believe they're eating belly at my father's house. He came to believe. So once I established these two parts, then we come to the third and final and most important purpose of our big book, chapters 5, 6, and 7. We have ten beautiful steps laid out in this plan of recovery. You know, if you see where you are and you see where you want to go, your first step would be to make a decision. And we say that a decision means to cut facts in two. And it says we stand at the turning point between these two great alternatives. We have gathered two facts. We make a decition. And our book said this is not the easiest decision for an alcoholic to live life as he's been living his life on a spiritual basis. Over and over it talks about these two alternatives. But if you're an alcoholic, you know, with honesty, these are the two facts. And I stood at the turning point. And of course my book very beautifully tells me about this first step in recovery, step three. It talks about the self-will of the alcoholic. And of cause I hear a lot of people, you know as we sometime around the fellowship we begin to talk about the program. And sometimes we distort things. You know, we get close to what we say, but, you know, as we're repeating it by word of mouth, we just start the program. And I hear a lot of people in AA say, well, you've got to find God. The third step says you've Got to Find God. You've Got To Find God, I don't see that in the third step. My book talks about removal of self. The purpose of that step is not to find god, but to remove self. God ain't lost. If he was, a drunk couldn't find him. But how do we rid oneself of self? God makes that possible. So in the third step, you know, I made this decision. And this removes self, the root of my problems. And I know, you Know, that all my life this was a problem. Way before I drank, all my wife's self was the root of my problem. Right today, self is the root of my troubles. This is not new. This is now a new concept. Many years ago, they asked the Nazarene how to find his way of life. What is the first step in your recovery program? And he said, deny thyself. Once I got self out of the way, my book says that all good ideas are simple, but this one simple idea is a keystone of the new and triumphant arch to which we pass to freedom. The keystone. because it removed the center of my problem. Then I had to go to work on the things that grow out of self. You know, I think, you know, we can notice a self-centered person, and Bill talked about it so beautifully in 12 and 12. I think it's a thing that I read over and over and Over and Over, and a great insight. And I just wonder how many people in the world, non-alcoholic, you know if they had the opportunity to have the understanding of life that we find in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. We learn how to live. We find out how it really is in this program. It talks about, you know, these natural instincts which are necessary and God-given and play a vital role in our lives because of the self. They are overused and they are underused. And they are distorted. You know, our assets become our liabilities. And it talks about resentments and it talks About fear. All these things that I didn't even know I had, you Know. So I had to go into this thing. Instead of, boy, I take a search in the fearless moral inventory, I had to find the things that grow out of self. And I'm a product of this thing right between my ears. I'm the product of my mind. And they say, so is a man thinking, that shall he be. And if I wanted to be somewhere, you know, I had change my thinking. I had changed my thinking So I had begin right from within. So I went to work on these things in step four and I did this written inventory. inventory. And I laid these things down for the first time and I think step four comes as a result of three because there's no way that a self-centered person would take a search and fill this moral inventory. But once we relieve the self then we're given a gift to see ourselves. And then step five, you know, I was able to bring these things to the surface. A beautiful little step. It's not a step that is thumping but it relates to God, ourselves, and another human being. And so much throughout this step, you knows, this is the rhythm of life. This is the way our steps laid out, the same rhythm. Number one, two, and three, we come to God. And then four, five, six, and seven, we work on ourselves. And eight and nine, we clear up our relationship with other people. And step five is laid out on the same algorithm, God, ourselves, another human being. My mind plays the next role, and then my relationship with people. So in step six and seven once I've seen these These things have gone out to the surface. I've made these adjustments. And in 4, 5, 6, and 7, I worked on me, ourselves. And then, you know, it talks about, you know, the outer area of our lives, our relationship with people. And quite naturally, we say we agree to go to any length. If we don't clear up our relationship with people, then we're going to have problems in our mind, guilt. And if this guilt builds, it will cause problems in our spiritual life, and we may drink again. So it's necessary that we go out. And these two beautiful steps would clean up our relationship with other people. And then I had three steps of our practice, day in and day out. Step ten talks about it, and I began to work. And I think sometimes the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that so many of us use the program as a not...we've become...somebody called us a not-drinking program some way. We've known as the world as a place to go not to drink, but it's really a place to live where you won't have to drink. It's a living program, and I think that we've missed the real quality in our lives. You know, after step nine, it talks about the promises, and sometimes we take these promises out of the book. And, you know, it's very damaging when you take things out ofthe book. Leave them in the book, read it all. The promises are fit right after the ninth step. It talks, you now, even though we're halfway through, we'll know a new freedom and a new happiness. And we come to this plane of life after the ninth step. And then he talks about, you know, at the tenth step, if we continue, we can go further. You know, and there's no limitation on the quality of our lives in this fellowship of alcoholics and nihilists. And I think that we can live better than most people on the face of the earth and face adversity. We are blessed. We are truly blessed. I am truly blessed to be an alcoholic in Alcoholics Anonymous, to have this way of life. And step 10 tells me to watch for self-privilegedness back here, and this was 1, 2, and 3. And it says watch for resentment and fear, which was 4, 5, 6, and 7, and when I'm wrong, probably admit it. So that means each day of my life I can look back into three major areas of my life and I can eliminate and grow. And so much the people say, you know, hey, you got to get this, you gotto get that, and I ain't even seen them in the book where you got to get nothing. Everything I tell in the book tells me to get rid of something. Books are all about eliminating, you know, take away my difficulties. Relieve the bondage of a self, remove the things from me that object. You don't get nothing if you get rid off something. And as we eliminate, we can grow and grow and growth for the rest of our lives. Step 11 talks about, you now, the receiving of God's will. So much step 3 is the turning over and step 11 the foundation of our program Clear the things that block us off from God with these steps. And then step 11, receiving God's will. So much this is a foundation of living. And it talks about how to work this step. And it says if we practice at this, this is not an easy thing. It takes time. But as we practice this step, what used to be in the cage and the hunch became a working part of our minds. It talks about we develop a sick sense of direction through talking and listening to God. It tells me exactly how to do this. You know, and we have to practice at times. You know I might not have the inspiration that's necessary And I don't know which decision to make But you know, I can turn it over to God And don't struggle And the right answer will come Now I've got a little computer up here It's very limited And it's got too much information in it And every once in a while You know i run into a problem And i'll go up there And they say Well we don't have no answers for that one up here And usually i turn it Turn it Keep it finally Says it ain't here It ain't there You know I get frustrated And things My book says cut it off and once I cut it off and go on and do what I can do constructively in my life after a while I get some more information when I crank that problem back up something tells me well why don't you go over and see so and so and I carry that out and I can find answers I think you know that once we become assured and practice this step you know I really can work we can walk to face this earth and we can face problems I don't travel on self anymore I don' t have all the answers for all the problems But I have a source. I have the source for answers to every problem in my life. All I have to do is deny self and plug into this power that is within. It talks about these 11 steps, and then after that we have our beautiful 12th step. And I think that the 12thstep is probably one of the most important things to our fellowship. And surely Bill must have thought this way because he devoted a whole chapter to the book on the twelfth step. It talks about this twelfths step. It says, having had a spiritual awakening. It's really a promise because it told me I would believe that this would take place. And now it says, Having had. As a result of these steps, we carry this message. They told me, you know, if you've had this vital experience Spiritual experience as a result of these 11 steps You are supposed to carry this message to other alcoholics And there's so much that God has said You know, If you have witnessed my love through the change in your life Then carry this to another human being I don't know where I would be tonight If it wasn't for these three great guys from Alcoholics Anonymous Who came to that old hospital door Noah in March 1962. And I think this is what's vital to our fellowship. Because it tells you, you know, you cannot transmit what you do not have. So it says those who have had the spiritual experience, those are the messengers. And we don't want believers to carry no message. We say the one who knows. So, it's been a great part of my life to have an opportunity opportunity to carry this message to other people. And I think it really gives me a real purpose for my whole life. And, I think that this is what our book says, the purpose of this program is not to stay sober. It's not to get good. It' s not to be a good citizen. Not to be an A member even. The main purpose is to fit ourselves, maximum service to God and the people around us. And ,I really feel at times you know that sometimes we get, I I'll get close to this in my life. To actually realize, you know, that I'm here and I'm able to do the things and I can realize why God created me. You know, it's really a marvelous thing. And many people don't have that satisfaction. And I think about all the people that are going to be on this face of the earth and don't even know why they was put here. But to be able to fulfill the purpose of our Creator in the lives of other people and carry this message to those who still suffer and offer them freedom. And our book says, you know, this is the greatest thing in this fellowship is to help others and watch the loneliness vanish in the individual and watch him get up and help others and say, I hope you don't want to miss it. I thank God I haven't missed this in the fellowship about Hawks Anonymous. And we're only messengers. We're not healers. Sometimes, you Know, we get too far with that. We've got the healed folks. You know, we ain't no heals. We just got a healing message. The healing power lies within this big book, and it lies within God. We are simply messengers. This is a humble role. Now I'll never make a talk about it because I think the greatest example of a messenger was Paul Revere. Paul wasn't really part of the hierarchy. You know, he wasn't the big shots in that outfit. He was a little peon, and he was, by the way, he was a man who worked with his hands. He was an silversmith, bytheway. See, they didn't send none of those intellectuals out that night. They said, oh, Paul. and they said Paul tell them the British are coming the British are coming and Paul did exactly what they told him he rode the horse he never did get out of the horse to give no advice you know he did his job and that's what my book tells me to do tell the people about the grace of God tell them what God did in your life they said if you don't want to hear we'll find another somebody else will be interested you know I often wonder what would happen if old Ben Franklin had been on that horse we'd all have been British citizens he stopped on the first corner running in his mouth making a speech or something in closing how it is now I've had many many miracles in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous When I talk about these things, you know, I'm a very small, insignificant person in God's world. But still, all of us have a role to play. And I used to wonder sometimes, you don't know why I own this. Why? Why? Why did God work in my life? Why he didn't? Why did he? So I began to do what people told me to do. I began giving what I had the best I could. And the only place I knew was other drugs. And, you know, very shortly after, I'll tell you about my old trouble at the old, which was a rehab facility and I couldn't stay there. And they just probably would let me come in. But after about four or five years, when I sobered up, they began to let me hang around. I would go there every morning to sponsor drunks. And I sponsored drunks and worked with them and really found my niche in living. After about five years of working around that old rehab house, They finally asked me would I serve on the board of directors at a place where they wouldn't even let me stay. Now, that was kind of a switch. And I did what I could and served with those as best I could for four, five, six, seven, eight years. After that time of sobriety, then, you know, other things began to happen across our state. and to work with people, and people that saw my interest in the alcoholic and the governor saw fit to appoint me to several state commissions and boards to work for the alcoholic. And I served and still continue to serve in the last 10, 12, or 13 years. And up to January 1st of this year, three years prior to that, that I had been a member of the six-member authority that controls all the alcohol and drug programs in our state. You know, it's very wonderful. It was almost unbelievable, a person that couldn't get in the door one, through God's grace and through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, through AlcoholicsAnonymous, that has allowed me to be a part of other alcoholics' lives and to grow and to live and to function in the world in which God fulfilled God's design for my life. It's been a wonderful life, and Lubell and I have, like I say, A&L now in our lives. It's a great opportunity to have been here this weekend, and we thank you for the opportunity of saying thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. I think that's what it's all about, you know, is saying thank You, Alcoholic Anonymous, saying thank YOU, God. And a lot of times people say attitude is a gratitude. I've heard that a lot. But God expects it to become an action. Gratitude becomes an action, not just an attitude. In closing, one of my favorite stories I think about the story of the Bible when these people came to Christ to be healed these lepers and I think I can see so more beautifully how he went along with the programs of that day He didn't offend nobody You know, even The lepers, they didn't let them come around people They kind of treated them like alcoholics You know, they may stay on for kind of pigeonholing them, you know. And he went along with the program because he wouldn't break down any of the laws of man. And as these leopards came to be healed, he told them, he said, Well, wait a minute, you now, y'all go on toward the temple and it'll be all right. And as they left and went toward the chapel, they were healed. And but one came back. And I think that's really about the same program we've got today in Alcoholics Anonymous. Ten get it, one come back. People haven't changed. But you know, I often wonder about those nine that didn't come back I know that they escaped from the problem of leprosy but probably they had some other problems in their lives that they didn't have answers for. are. And I see that probably as they got healed, one of them said, but man, I've got to go down and see about my girlfriend. And the other one said, well, I got to get a used Campbell. You know, man, you know, get some wheels. AndI'm sure all of them had something very important to do. But this one guy came back and he said, thank you. And Christ looked He looked at him and he said, but where are the others? But you came back and he says, thy faith shall make you whole. See, this man had answers for problems for the rest of his life. This man knew he had something to live on because he'd come back. And he said thank you. And I'd like to thank you for the opportunity to say thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you. Thank you.