Surrender and Step Four Inventory – Awakening Workshop – Part 2 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

Okay. Good evening, everybody. My name's Leanne and I'm a recovered alcoholic. All right. So first of all, if you guys have, did anyone get, let's thank Chris for bringing Filipino food. Awesome. That was actually really good. And that's coming from a Filipino. I'm not kidding. I've never had Filipino food outside of my mom's house that was that good. That was really good. What are those things called? Lumpia. Yes, they actually did the meat lumpia and the veggie lumpia, and they put the right sauces with it too, which is, they did it the right way. And the punsit's done perfect, so it's good stuff. Thank you, Chris. That was great. Okay, so if you smoke, please make sure that you do it across the street. There's no smoking anywhere here, including vaping. The bathrooms are open up here. Did everybody finished their work this week? Yep. Did everybody get, okay. All right. I'm sure you all know we're on step three tonight and I'm going to do a little bit of recap and I am only going to spend maybe a few minutes talking about a recap over one and a little but two. And then what we are going to do, things are going be a little different. So obviously we have candles out here in the middle of the floor because we are all going to take a third step together after when Pat and Nancy you're done. What is that? Are we meditating to that music? What is that? Okay. Anyway, so I know. All right. Can everyone make sure their cell phones are on silent please? Thank you. So we're going to do, I'm going to do a little recap, like I said, and then after I do my about spend about, you know, three to five minutes recapping steps one and two. Then what I'm going to do is I'm gonna go over we're gonna do things a little bit different. And the reason is, is because we're going to end on a third step tonight, we're not going to End with me telling you what your assignment is. So what I am going to do as I'll be telling your your assignment, I think I should just do that now then do the assignment first, and then I'll do a recap. So we're, so obviously after tonight, we'll be out of step three. Yay! All right? Yay! And we'll go, we will be going into step four, all right? So all, yay! Come on! That's good stuff. So when we started this, right, everybody was all excited to get into the work, and I know that some of us have kind of like gotten a little lazy, you kind to get, you know, it's like when you start class, you're all excited about class and then you get halfway into the semester, you are like, oh gosh. But long-term consistency trumps short-term intensity. So just remember that. Just stay consistent because it is going to pay off in the long run. I promise you. So don't slack off now just because we are in step four. Anybody can quit now anybody can just stop at this point and quit that's the easy thing to do right because how many people do you know are one two three steppers a lot but now we're going to be going in the fourth step and I was sharing this earlier with Mike and Michelle earlier for me look the way that we do the work when we go into this fourth step is actually get excited about doing it because now we are at a point where we see that we are beyond human aid right I've learned in the first step that i am sick and bodily mentally and spiritually bottom line i'm spiritually sick right and because when it's and when the spiritual malady is overcome then i straighten out mentally and physically so now what i'm it's telling me is if i so i don't have to live life in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous obsessing about drinking i don'T HAVE TO LIVE LIFE THINKING THAT I HAVE THIS ONE DAY AT A TIME YOU KNOW WHITE KNUCKLING IT THAT I DON'T HAVETO LIVE WITH THAT OBSESSION but the only way that obsession is going to be removed is by something much greater than me, a higher power, whatever you want to believe in. And in step two, we learn to become to believe that this power can relieve me from this insanity, right? This insanity of me obsessing, this insanity of need be going back out. I want to be relieved of that. I want it. I want what I want. I want my body to be recovered like the big book talks about. We can be recovered from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. The only way we can do that because we are beyond human aid that this book has taught us so far, right? We're beyond human aid is by a power much greater than ourselves. And we're getting to know that power. And step two, we're taking the first step in just believing some of, some of you may have had long-term beliefs and you still have those beliefs of a God that you believe in. Some of you are just learning a new relationship with a creator and that's fine. And that's where we need to be. because the book tells me that deep down within every man, woman, and child is that fundamental idea of God. It's always been there. You've always had that belief, and now you're just recultivating a relationship with God, right? And I can't cultivate a relationship with God if I have other distractions, if I think that human power is going to relieve my alcoholism, if I sit around the rooms and think... I have to know that God can take me further in every single area of my life. I have to believe that. Does God have my best interest at heart? Does this God that you believe in is a God of love, of understanding, of forgiveness, right? And am I going to be able to put my trust in that, you know? Do I have a... I don't know about you, but I need a pretty freaking ginormous God for me to, you Know, for him to relieve some of the things deep down within me. Can't be something little, right? The book has already smashed that idea that obsolete, that oceans and stuff like that can be a higher power, right. They're beautiful things that God created but they're not the thing that can relieve my alcoholism. They are not the thing that could relieve the obsession. They aren't the things that are going to take me further in every area of my life, and now we're catapulting over into a step where we're asking God to be the principal, the director, and he's the father. I'm his child, right? And Nancy and Pat are going to talk more about that as we get into this, into step three. And now I have to trust that this power that I just started to believe in, whether I started, is going to take care of me. Does this God have my back, right? I'm turning everything over, not just my drugs and alcoholism or my drug addiction and my alcoholism, but my finances, my romances, my kids, everything, my work, my career, right, so that he can take me further. And do I believe that? And it takes time. You know, we're not at the big books, not saying you have to get this step perfect. The only step you had to get perfect from the very beginning is step one. Two through twelve are a work in progress and my relationship with God is going to grow little by little each day and that I spend time in prayer, that I spent time in meditation every single day, that i that i work out that work this relationship with this power that i believe in right and i'm going to see it come to fruition as i get into step four right if you want a deeper and more effective spiritual experience with your creator do four do five do the rest of the steps because you will see god working in areas of your life that you've never ever imagined and i'm serious it's miraculous someone was asking me earlier today don't you find it amazing to watch people change in in the rooms and see people reborn and and like i seriously see it and i i think all of you can see it too i not only see people like become reborn but start to develop a relationship with their creator physically there's a change it's not just internally it comes out physically i see lights and people like i see lights go on and it's amazing it's a beautiful thing to watch and you too can be able to see all that too all right so with that said before we go into meditation and before pat and nancy get up here and share. I want all of you to pull out your sponsorship guide where I'm going to go over what we need to do for step four because now you are no longer in the idiot's guide. The idiot's guide is done, as you probably noticed. No more idiot's guide. Pat and I have some plans with that. Alright, so assignment 13 assignment 13 this starts step 4 what you're going to need to do next week so remember this highlight it is you're gonna need to make about 30 copies of the resentment inventory which is on page 57 and 61 of the big book awakening is it in there so what you can do is make copies of what I would do instead of making a two page copies, I would do two sides. Like on one side, do page 57 and on the back side of that, do page 61. Next week, I'm going to bring a packet of examples. So I'll bring examples. So don't worry about that. All you need to do for next week is bring about 30 copies of the resentment inventory only. Don't worry about the fear grid right now. Don'T worry about sex inventory, just resentment inventory because we're going to spend a couple weeks on that, okay? So bring those. Excuse me. Ten copies. Oh, it tells you ten copies of the fear grid. Never mind. So bring ten copies of the Fear Grid, okay, that's on page 65 of your Big Book Awakening. And then bring ten copies of Sex Inventory, pages 69 and 70. Can I write 30 for my Sex Invitory? Okay, well, there's a reason why there's only ten. I know. it's like 10, that was one night no I'm just kidding you categorize at that point alright okay I'm not going to go there and then in your AA Big Book I know I'm taping this God I hope my kids never hear this in your AAA Big Book read page 63 the bottom through 66 and then we'll go over that again next week okay but the but it's your responsibility to bring your to bring those blank inventories and like I said I'll bring samples because you'll need them okay you'll needs them and I'll have a little sample packet up here for everybody but make sure you bring those copies is everybody clear on that so the next week when you meet with your sponsee what you're going to do is you're gonna go over column one and what you need to do for column one is right, you're going to look at people, institutions, and principles. So column one, when we look in our big book about, for the, when you look at the, page is that on? 64, thank you. So when we looked at 65, they do the columns this way, right? Obviously that's a column when we do the resentment inventories when you the columns go this way because that's how we write i mean i don't know anyone in here that's japanese it writes up and down like that it's just easier to write across right so don't let that get confused confuse you when you look at the resentment inventory on um that we print out it says i'm resentful at you're resentful at a person institutions and principles persons is easy to fill out your parents, your spouse your kids so I want for each it might be everybody you know but what you need to do is one inventory per person one piece of paper for each person my mom gets one, my dad gets one my husband gets one my friend gets one Yeah, so on page 64 it tells you what people, family members, relatives, friends, race, society, individuals, men, women, employees, personal, staff, police, lawyers, judges, doctors, creditors, schoolmates and teachers. For institutions, am I mad at asylums, hospitals, organizations, fellowships, AA, associations, unions, corporations. okay you guys can read and principles are old ideas all right you're gonna find that the majority of your resentment inventories are going to be people all right. You may not have any principles you may not Have any any institutions those of you that have done the work before I know some of you are really big on doing principle inventories we're not going to confuse everybody here yet with that all right if you have some principles I know one woman who wrote out of principles which was she was resentful at monogamy and so okay she did an inventory on monogomy that's a principle all right so um make sure that when you come next week each one of your blank inventories column one is filled out with a person an institution or principal any questions on that are you guys clear on that okay all right Okay, so we are now going to, I'm trying to think, is there anything else? I did that. Oh yeah, so after the meeting, can I get four volunteers to help clean up? I volunteer. Come on. Thank you, Mike. Thank you. Two, three, four, five. Thank you guys. Five, six. Yay, thank you so much. And who, oh thank you. And who can bring food next week? Rodney you're so great okay thank you Rodney okay you're a man Rodney all right okay so um Michelle get with me after the meeting Michelle I mean not Michelle Heather get with Me after the Meeting and I'll go over what just oh Rodney you can clue her in on what we need to do right okay I'll clue you in Heather Okay? All right. So let's go ahead and do a five-minute meditation. And let's, okay, let's say the set-aside prayer. Yeah, we'll do step three after next week. No, the set aside for the third step. Yeah, set aside. Set aside for a third step, okay. Oh, yeah. God? God. Please enable me to set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience. Help me see the truth about the failure of my life run on self-will and my decision to turn my will and my life over to God. Okay, can someone get those lights back there? Pat alcoholic by God's grace recovered no longer have the obsession to drink that's a pure miracle um you know it's a good turnout we're at the third step and look at this you know i want to want to remind everybody you know we've spent 12 weeks looking at step one and step two 12 weeks we spent 57 plus doctor's opinion call it another 10 67 pages looking at two steps the instructions are 103 pages so roughly 67 pages have dealt with two steps i guess they're trying to say it's important to get that part figured out that's what i'm thinking from it and uh so the first 100 if you if you put your if you're put your mind back where they were in 1939 they're going this gift that we have been given is too precious to blow it how do we communicate our mess our message in the most precise fashion possible so that all of us who hate instruction and hate taking orders hate taking direction will show up and want what it is that god has given to us freely that was the consensus of first 100 and they prayerfully painfully uh with debate and conversation and moving the text uh the original manuscript in sections of it back and forth between cleveland akron new york talking to psychiatrists, Dr. Silkworth getting input from spiritual advisors, Sam Schumacher Harry Thiebel a bunch of folks to say please, please, please review help us make sure that we're on track that's how important these instructions are because they said people's lives hang in the balance if it wasn't for what God has done in our lives, we'd be dead and so how do we communicate this right and so for these 57 pages you know whenever i get to a step three and as far as the conversation um i if i feel weightiness like i woke up this morning i felt weightiness about this conversation tonight and you know i always say hey god keep me out of the way you do and say what you need to do and stay with me and that's what i'm going to do so that you're moving people's hearts and minds to a place where they could want to be free that they could want God how do I communicate this vision of what you've given me and the passion that I have for what you have done in my life and the absolute thankfulness that my life is not like it was 14 and a half years ago and that it keeps getting better, richer, deeper warmer, more loving more honest as the days go by how do i communicate that in a way that's meaningful and god is pretty basic with me so he says how about you read the text and just shut up so we're going to do a little bit of reading the text in shutting up tonight all right so if you got your book turn over to page 58 um you know this first paragraph rarely have we seen a person fail who's thoroughly followed and in the original text it wasn't path, it was directions. And the reason they took that out is they thought that might be too controversial for us addicts and alcoholics. Like we might take offense to that. We're a sensitive lot, aren't we? We take offense to everything. You know, the wind blows wrong and we're upset, right? So anyway, we're going to read the original a little bit. Rarely have we seen a person fail has thoroughly followed our directions. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. The program that they're talking about is what has been defined for the last 57 pages. Whoever your view, as big as it could be, as deep in your heart as you can find, you're giving your direction of your life, my life, over to the care of that God, that higher power, that vision of what that is. because i can't do it anymore and then secondly i'm going to follow some simple steps as outlined in this big book that's what the simple program is about usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves anybody ever feel like coming in these rooms that you couldn't be honest with anybody let alone yourself like honest to god you're going if i could be honest i would do it i don't even know what that word means do you ever feel like that i mean i was i had so many stories going with so many people in so many situations i couldn't i couldn'T make sense of what was true what wasn't true i remembered things that weren't true am i right yeah my kids used to point that stuff out to me and i used to tell lies to my kids for years that i was you know i was a diver in high school and a little bit in college but one of the things i used to lie to my kids about there was this restaurant in colorado and i said yeah i used be a cliff diver at this restaurant there's a cliff internal it's like a 25 foot cliff and it was a little place i said i used me a cliff dive with his restaurant and i get sober and we're out to dinner one night and i said yeah he's a lie about being a cliff driver and my kids go you lied about that all your life we hung on that story and I go God yeah, I didn't even realize I was lying until just now that was a bold faced lie see one of the cool things in this step is that God literally teaches us from the inside out he rearranges our heart and our minds to teach us truth that we couldn't even find for ourselves so if you're afraid tonight that you can't be constitutionally honest If you're afraid tonight that you just can't pull off this honest card, don't worry about it. If you are willing to want to be honest, God does miracles. For the first time in my life when I got sober, I started getting honest. And it was like, you know, as I woke up, I was seeing color for the first Time. I was Seeing Life for the First Time. I didn't even know what the hell I was looking at. It shocked me a little bit. and the only thing i ever said to god before i did this third step was i'm willing to do this next step because i so desperately don't want to go back the way my life was so again this honest card god will move in and through you to teach you honesty that is a guarantee don't worry about if you're going hey god i can't even be on you know i got so much BS going on in my head, I couldn't find truth if it bit me in the ass. You'll find it. Okay? Everybody good with that? That's a big one. So that first paragraph is, and how about this manner of living? In the original text it says, in our book it says they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of life which demands rigorous honesty. the original text it said a way of life now the other thing about this i want people let's all be realistic here you're not going to walk out of here on on uh this honesty all of a sudden everything in your life completely changes into this pristine perfect you know never screw up again never lose your temper the guys i was working with before i was telling how i about accosted a 93 year old lady because she wouldn't feed my goats it's crazy right but the point is we're not we're growing into this way of life i should tell you more about that story but i'm not gonna but suffice to say it all worked out um but we're going i look at these faces i'm going that wasn't a good lead there pat should have backed off that one but we are growing in this way of life of being honest we're growing into this manner of living that we start stumbling bumbling our way into honesty and we find ourselves burping out truth saying things that are honestly what we think and we don't have any pretense going on in our head that tries to filter it. Isn't that scary? So all these things start happening to us. Why do I bring all this up? Because as a good alcoholic or a good addict, I want to try to manage everything in my life. And I found out, and Nancy's going to speak about it in detail, but I try to mange everything in My Life and I can't pull it off. So why shouldn't I apply my same good alcoholic tendencies to trying to manage my spiritual development. I can't pull off spiritual development any more than I could make my unmanageability in my life manageable. Now, I definitely can exercise the principles and the disciplines of these steps and these practices in all of the steps which set me free. But make no mistake, this is not a self-help program. this isn't about learning these steps like a navy seal or a black belt and all of a sudden you could just go off in the races and intellectualize everything and figure it out if we could do that we wouldn't need god we wouldn'T need a higher power the truth is only god is going to set us free through this process he sets us free by using these steps to get unblocked to this power that's been in our lives since we were little babies never been without this power we've just been blocked from this power in our life does that make sense all right our story is disclosed in a general way what we used to be like what happened what we are like now and i'm going to ask you one more time this question we asked when we first started the workshop a long time ago 12 weeks have you decided that you want what these first 100 what you see in recovering alcoholics addicts around you have do you want that kind of a life are you willing to go to any length to have it are you ready to take some steps? In the original, our story is disclosed in a general way what we used to be like, what had happened, what we're like now. If you decided you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to follow directions. The D word is back, you know, directions. But that's the deal we're making. as some of these we bought they're sort of pointing the finger at all of us you may think you can find an easier softer way we doubt if you can with all the earnestness of our command we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start some of us try to hold on to our old ideas and the results are really good wow We really got a lot of relief, and we just had to just go to meetings and life was peachy No old ideas the result was nil until we let go just a little bit Wow So you know what that freaked me out when when my sponsor said are you willing to let go absolutely? I'm I had some talks with some because some of the guys. I'm working with this week about that You know through texting back and forth absolutely. Are you kidding me? Absolutely what? You know, honesty? Absolutely? Follow all these directions? Are you kidding me? If I start getting honest, I'm going, what do you mean absolutely? Right? Anybody got a question mark on that? Like, I don't even know what that means. Are you willing to grow towards absolute? Are your will to go in that direction towards letting go. When God reveals something to you and he says, this has got to go. It's holding you back. I've got a party that I want to take you to that is so awesome. And all you're doing is sitting in the doggone closet because you're scared to death and you won't let go of this. Will you let go of this? Absolutely, Pat. Will You Let Me Take This? Will You let me take this stuff that's blocking you off finally? Take it out of your life? Are you willing to trust me even though you don't know where we're going and what we're gonna do next week and what were gonna do next hour that I really do have your best interest in mind see one of the things that this book talks about for 57 pages and it grows us into it from Bill's story when he says man I felt the warmth of God when I'm in the Winchester Cathedral God was close, God was near Roland Hazard talks about it behind the scenes and when they start using we agnostic words that describe this God experience they use words like infinite love infinite love love without judgment love that is always glad to see you is excited like a new puppy dog to be with you and cannot wait to share the entire day with you can't even wait to create with you intelligent agent spearheads of god's ever advancing creation every single day for the rest of your life you get to participate in the most rad awesome creative powerful life that you could even possibly imagine and i am not exaggerating i sound like a preacher i don't mean to but i'm telling you this is the truth this is the truth this is honestly God how this thing works I came in these rooms I doubted whether God even gave a rip about me and certainly wasn't convinced he had any power to do anything for me, to me or with me that's where I was that's what I was going into this third step really what we're doing we're making a contract God I'm jumping I sure as hell hope you got a net i sure as hell hope that you're going to do something with this decision i'm making i'm gonna give it everything i've got is it absolute as much as i know am i going to be honest much as I know how i'm willing to go and follow directions yeah yes it might get uncomfortable guaranteed fearlessly is a word they use going into the fourth step it doesn't say it's going to be pretty all the time. It's going to be frustrating, it's gonna be thought provoking, it is going to heart wrenching but the outcome is I am clean free, released powerful and in love with life for the first time ever. You want that? Slow me down. Let's go find God all right that's what it's going to say half measures avail us nothing now we think you can take it we're going to ask for his protection we're gonna throw ourselves under his protection oh yeah where am i i'm not there yet where'd i go that's okay i'm not there yet um oh that's right so let me back up i got too excited so are we convincing he's cunning on me right now so this alcoholism are we convinced from step one and two that's a little bit cunning does it baffle us when we pick up more stone cold sober is it powerful who tells us when to stop and how much to drink and use alcohol does so those half measures we can't do it here's the steps we took says now we're ready to take these here are the steps minute we were powerless over alcohol our lives become unmanageable came to believe that a to power greater than us, to restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care, original text says, and direction of God as we understand him. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. That's what we're going into. We're gonna admit to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I've never taken responsibility for anything in my life. This was my first go ahead with that kind of endeavor. We're entirely willing that God remove all of these defects of character and humbly used to say on our knees asked him to remove our shortcomings holding nothing back humbling on our knees, if it grates against us a little bit, okay so it grats against us a little bit. It's humbling to admit God of the universe, you're bigger, powerful and more intelligent than I am because I really think I am God and I'm finally willing to say you know what uncle, I'm going to get on my knees wow made a list of the persons I'd harmed willing to make complete amends to them all complete was in the original text so I'm not going to do half measures I'm actually going to make complete amends I'm going to thoroughly do it show up presently and I'm gonna do it till it's done not gonna do seven of my ten seventeen of my thirty thirty of my forty nine amends whatever happens to be I'm gonna do all of them as completely as possible made direction may direct against the people when people wherever possible except when to do so would injured them or others so you know one of the things my sponsor said to me as we go into this is that you know pat a phone call is not the deal if you have the where and wherewithal to be able to do it you do it always face to face if you can't do it face to phase then we'll talk about some other method all right so it's important to remember 10 quick quick side note and we're going to speed up here. How are we doing on time? Are we all right? All right. One through nine finally gets us unlocked. It's like for the first time in my life, I walk out of prison a free man. One through 9 is getting me out of the prison. I'm out of court. I am out of the yard. I have got a choice at step 9. I could either now learn what this living in the spiritual realm looks like practice it grow in it experience it test it enjoy it or I could sit on rest on my laurels I rest on my laurel's really saying is that you know what I'm good I really don't need to develop this vital connection with a higher power because I think now I'm all cleaned up inside i feel good i'm fine remember we're willing to go to any length so part of this deal is in 10 and 11 is we're going to establish some lifelong disciplines of how to conduct ourselves in our minds in our bodies in our thoughts in our beliefs in our emotions in our habits and God is going to train us through that in steps 10 and 11 that's a big deal and we're going to investigate outside sources be quick to see where religious folks are right we're going to test out some new ways to learn how to meditate we're gonna get some instruction on how to do prayer there's a lot of excitement ahead of us man continue to take personal inventory when we are wrong promptly admit it, 11 sought through prayer and meditation improve our contact with God praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out wow that's a weird deal I'm not going to pray for myself all day long in all my little needs and all my Little Wants, all my Lil' Desires says here I'm going to start praying for his will for us and how to carry that out praying only for the knowledge of his will in other parts of the book and say i'm going to start losing my interest in others i mean in myself and i'm a gain interest in others on the game interest in my fellows that i'm gonna become not self-centered i'm going to become other centered and it's actually going to be returning me to the way that really truly lights me up the way that i'm meant to have been all my life not consumed with me and my plans but consumed with giving away a god experience to others and the weird thing is god is saying to each one of us in this room that you are empowered to be my vessel if you will my delivery system to do just that to watch people's lives change light up recreated revolutionized anybody need their ideas thoughts values belief systems and feelings thrown aside and the whole new set brought in could you do it on your own moral code philosophical convictions How's that working? None of this is our doing. That's the coolest thing about it. It isn't about only four or five people in this room having enough to get it done. And the rest of you, oh well, nice try. No, it's available to everybody in this room. No one is excluded. It's a broad and roomy highway. Almost done with my section. Many of us exclaimed what an order well i'm sorry having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps number 12 step 12 we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and practice these principles in all of our affairs original text said having had spiritual had having had a spiritual experience as a results of this course of action steps four five six seven eight nine 10, 11, now 12. Having had a spiritual experience as a result of this course of action, we try to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. You may exclaim, what an order, I can't go through with it. Don't be discouraged. Do not get discouraged. This isn't morbid reflection. This isn'T, I got you. It's not God ever pointing this finger at me saying, you sorry sack of whatever. not that at all this is about hey god i'm showing up doing the best i can to listen and follow what you have to say it's a big order i can't go through with it don't be discouraged not no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles we're not saints point is willing to grow along spiritual lines these principles will be set down or guides to perfection progress we claim spiritual perfection spiritual enlightenment spiritual we've arrived spiritual I've got my act together and therefore you should never see me weak spiritual I could never show weakness spiritual I get always put on the happy face? Bugs on my teeth? I smile so much? No. Progress. Spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. So the description, hey, listen, listen to this and we're almost set for Nancy to come up here. Our description of the alcoholic in the chapter of the agnostics are pertinent. Our personal adventures before and after have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas. that one you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life are you convinced are you probably that probably no human power can relieve your internal condition alcoholism the ease and comfort that we seek we can't produce for ourselves other people can't produce it for ourselves our sponsor meetings cannot produce it for ourselves we clear on that that god can and will if you are not there they thought bill you're being a little bit over the top here you got sensitive folks are listening to you when they read this book okay here's what he wrote if you are not convinced on these vital issues you ought to reread the book to this point or else throw it away really all right if you are convinced you're at step three and you made a decision to turn your will and your life over to god as you understand him i walked into that step my very first, I didn't understand anything about God. All I understood is that it wasn't me. Does that make sense? If I'm as clear about I'm not God somebody else is, that's pretty good. Alright? We don't have to be rocket scientists about this whole thing about God's universe. We just have to make a beginning. That's what we mean by this is what we do. Nancy, is this where I'm turning it over to you i got a little bit more done all right next paragraph okay good the first requirement oh man here we go are you kidding me requirements distractions requirements is that you see pat that any life run on self-will self-concept self-belief system self-value system, self-interest, self emotions, self fill in the blank, self will can hardly be a success. On that basis Pat you are almost always in collision with somebody something or somebody even though oh Pat you have such great motives. Motives may be good most people try to live by self propulsion. You know how that looks? How many people in here have ever made a great start at a project and didn't have it peter out? That is the experiential definition of self-propulsion. Is that okay? I start strong, I finish with a whimper or I don't even finish as Nancy said which is more of the case. I say with all intensity I mean it, I'll be there, I will show up i'll do that assignment i'll do that project what happens self propulsion man it ain't worth a whole lot when the going gets tough it doesn't take me far enough each person is like an actor wow we can run a whole deal on that tonight wants to run the whole show is forever trying to arrange the lights the ballet the scenery the rest of the players in his own way basically guys we're just trying to have everybody suit our sensitive needs right rodney you gotta start you gotta treat me right would you please i mean your job in life is to represent me properly okay and you'll be happy if you do that all right how's that sound done does that will that work for you so if you guys all get on board that for each one of us everybody else in here is designed to make you happy that is what it looks like for me trying to arrange the lights. I might even have good motives. Listen, I know more. I think I really know how to make your life special. Just follow my direction. Get on board and quit making such a fuss. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wishes, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make his arrangements, our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous he may be kind considerate patient generous even modest and self-sacrificing how good are those qualities those aren't so bad are they sounds pretty good on the other hand he may be mean egotistical selfish and dishonest but as with most humans he's more likely to have varied traits i do my best i get creative but the end result is i still want to manage you and doggone if you would not behave. Nancy, come up here and bring it home. Thanks. It might be a little longer than that. Yeah, it's fine. Okay. Hi, everybody. Nancy, recovered cocaine and alcohol addict. Hi, Nancy. Awesome. Here we are. Wow. It's good to see you. I've been sitting there with my back to you all this time. Okay, so we're in the actor. Likely to have varied traits at trying to get what he or she thinks they need or want. But what usually happens when we're doing that? When we're living by self-propulsion? It says at the bottom of this paragraph, were a producer of confusion rather than harmony. I had to take a look at that a couple times in sobriety. Oh, hmm, what are my motives? What's the reaction of the people that I'm interacting with? Am I producing confusion or harmony in their life? Okay, so the show doesn't come off very well. She begins to think life doesn't treat her well. She decides to exert herself more. I'll get it right this time. She becomes on the next occasion still more demanding or gracious as the case may be, still the play doesn't suit her, admitting she may be somewhat at fault. She is sure that other people are more to blame. It's that taking responsibility thing that Pat was talking about. It's the one of my sponsors had me make a list of all the things projects and school or whatever that I started and never completed I was amazed there was like this you know 15 or 20 of them like well that's really smart that's great real staying power there so what is her basic trouble is she not really a self seeker even when trying to be kind. See, have you ever tried to be loving or tried to be compassionate? Tried to be nice when you're like seething inside? It just never works and you're not convincing the other person either. Believe me. They are not like buying it at all. We addicts and alcoholics have a really good bullshit sniffer. Right? like we can tell when somebody's trying to con us I won't make a political statement right now so are we not a victim right oh poor me they're not doing it right if they only would try they'd be so happy we're a victim of the delusion that i can get satisfaction and happiness out of this world if i only manage well and if you would just do what i think is best for you i'll tell you all about it if you'll let me or i'll Tell you all About it Whether You'll Let Me or not you know this self thing and we're going to see in step four our manifestations of self are going to be laid out in black and white in a very simple configuration for us to really see how does that show up in my life how am I being this actor? How am I being toward another human being? Am I being kind and loving or do I have an agenda and if I get into fear, I don't think I'm going to get what I want then I'm going to become angry, indignant and self-pitying? No. Yeah. You know, the book does its best to try to describe to us what's going on when we're running on self. But you're going to find out in your fourth step how that happens in your life. I remember in my fifth step, my first honest one, after I wrote my first Honest Fourth Step, of holding this notebook with all these sheets of stuff And I'm like, damn, no wonder I got loaded all the time. I was in all these delusions and I was trying to get this and I thought I had this identity and therefore these things had to happen to support that identity. And oh my gosh, as Pat said, my head was so filled with all these things that I couldn't tell if I was honest when I got here. I couldn'T even carry on a conversation but we won't go into that okay so um produce of confusion rather than harmony anybody relate to that people like react to you and you wonder why what did I do I was being nice what's going on here well we will discover our delusions soon our actor is self centered egocentric as people call it nowadays I remember in in a few years of sobriety I had a little bit of real recovery under my belt and and and what I know began to notice was I was bringing my ego with me into my spiritual practice and I was like this is not working this is bullshit this is dangerous yeah anyway Okay, now they're going to talk about some attitudes. Some attitudes of the retired businessman who lovs in the Florida sunshine the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation. The minister who sighs over the sins of the 20th century. Politicians and reformers who are sure all would be utopia if the rest of the world would only behave. And then there's the outlaw safecracker. that was that was my favorite who thinks society has wronged him and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up whatever our protestations are not most of us concerned with ourselves our resentments or our self-pity so we have this attitude of uh watch out for number one It's all about me. I'm the center of the universe and you need to, you know, act like that's true in my life or I'm going to blame you for things. It's also a description of a non-committed personality. someone who has no integrity someone who has a fear of being separate from like if all of these people, the safe cracker the minister the businessman were concerned about these things and actually participating in these areas to make them better right? Then they wouldn't have this self-centered attitude about the whole thing and and they wouldn't feel separate from they would be participating within does that make sense so you know we have these attitudes that the book does its very best to try to describe to us and so here's some more selfishness self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles and then they tell you how that shows up driven by a hundred forms of fear, right? We're in fear about all kinds of things. And then what happens? We get delusional because we believe the fear is real. So now we're in a delusion, right. And the next thing we do is we start managing out here, we're self seeking, I'm going to make this better, I'm gonna put this fire out, I've got a light one over here, you know, and then it's all going to be good and it doesn't work and what happens we fall into self-pity I love the way this book puts these things in the order they show up in our life all right so now we're in self pity and what happened what do we do we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate sometimes they hurt us oh what was me seemingly without provocation what did I do but we invariably find that at some time in the past at some point you will invariably find in the path when you've made a decision based on self that's created the hurt you're feeling today and that's you know I had to just take their word for it here because we're just going into step three we don't know this is true but it's what they're telling us and as again we go into step four we're going to see the evidence of this stuff in our life in varying ways because everybody's stuff isn't quite the same the circumstances are different you know so our troubles we think are basically of our own making is that good news or not? great news why is that great news? Because I get to stop blaming you and take responsibility and do something about it. If my troubles are of my own making, I need to find out why I did it that way. Why am I setting myself up this way? What happened? What did I do? And what propelled me to do it? They arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot though she usually doesn't think so I'm fine it's their fault you know they shouldn't have said that to me why did they look at me that way okay above everything does that mean sometimes above everything does that mean most of the time we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us God makes that possible ooh you're bringing God back into it here hmm and there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid nor can I stay sober or clean on my own power even at 25 years of sobriety I can't do it I don't know how to do it. I can't rely on self I have to find a power that I can rely on. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power we had to have God's help see there have been times in my sobriety where I thought and wasn't aware that I was thinking I had to manage something and I'm out there and I managing it and it's going along pretty good I don't make the giant messes I used to but after a while it start that it's not feels too good inside i'm like a little restless or a little irritable or the driver on freeway i you know bothers me you know things like that and i and i have to pause and i have to get deeper in my daily meditation and asking god for direction and to help me see the truth about what's going on because i don't always know nor can see when i'm coming from self-centeredness i don'T always know if i'm trying to set up a problem for down the road that's where the 10 and 11 and 12 come in those steps there so if we have to have god's help it says this is the how how we get it and why we need it and it says first of all we had to quit playing god really so i not only had to quick playing god in my own life and running on my good ideas and trying to follow through with those, I had to quit playing God in everyone else's life as well. That includes family members, neighbors, sponsees. I am not here to run anyone else's live. I'm not here for me. I'm here to get direction from God as to how to do that. But I have to learn how to get that direction and how to know that that's like God's direction and not some delusion I've come up with. So why do we have to quit playing God? It doesn't work. Next, I love this, next. Cool, what's next? We decided that hereafter in this drama of life, right, life's a little bit dramatic just you know especially for us God's going to be our director he is the principal we are his agents he is the father and we are his children that's kind of nice I don't know where I wrote that it doesn't matter so most good ideas are simple and this concept was the keystone and the new of the new and triumphant art through which we're going to pass to freedom so the director will i allow god to direct my life will i give it a shot am i willing to trust that that might be possible for me to actually allow this power to come in and direct my life. It's kind of scary, it's like, how do you do that? Well, how do you play a piano? How do you play football? Right? Practice. I have a note in here to myself from a couple years ago, a couple three years ago I have forgotten to do this. this is vitally important self-reliance fails now principal agent am I going to represent God in all that I am and all that I do that's kind of a serious question can I take that to heart can I ask this power to help me to be that father child am I willing to let God provide what I need have the things I have provided myself for in my life worked out okay I don't think so couple divorces an abortion people mad at me 200 and some amends to make but they're all done they've been done can i trust that this power is going to be my employer that even though i have employment in an office or at a job whether it's an office or not can i trust that this power that we call god is going to come in if i ask for help and guide me in that employment so that i can be the best employee in that job and also working for god pretty interesting huh so on page 63 it says when we sincerely took such a position wholeheartedly with complete abandon as much as possible can i give as much of me as i know to as much of god as i hope for can i do that i think i can do that yeah that'll work does that make sense yeah it says all sorts of remarkable things followed Wow so they're going to remark on them now we had a new employer being all-powerful he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well can I begin to see that what I have been what I have providing in my life isn't quite what I need it may have kind of worked for a little while here and there but is it possible that this power can provide something a little more fulfilling a little more accurate a little more intelligent than what i've been able to come up with established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves hmm our little plans and designs i had a sponsor tell me once you know that's from time to time those little plans are designed they're going to show up again But don't worry about it. Just take them to God and forgive yourself and move forward because they're going to show up. We're used to running the show. More and more, we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life instead of managing our life and everyone else's. Now we're goingto contribute something to someone else as we felt new power flow in as we enjoyed peace of mind as we discovered we could face life successfully as we became conscious of his presence these are pretty interesting little statements, aren't they? promises yeah we began it doesn't say it's happened yet we began to lose our fear of today tomorrow or the hereafter we were reborn you know sometimes these promises really fill up our heart and we have an experience of this third step that is life-changing not always so it says we were now at step three many of us said to our maker as we understood him god i offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou will relieve me of the bondage of self that i may better do thy will we're going to see our own bondage of self in our step four writing that's where we're gonna see it there's not much god in step four except to help us write it we're we're doing it right now we're going to say our bondage itself in our step for writing right take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help see we're at we're saying this prayer so that we can have this psychic change this this a rearrangement of our emotions and our ideas and our attitudes we're no longer going to be coming from this self-centered place we're going to examine that and see how futile that is and the problems it's caused in our life it's really cool okay so I would help of thy power thy love and thy way of life may I do thy will always we thought well before taking this step making sure we're ready right you guys thought well about this yeah that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him or her or whatever your concept of this power is for you you can call it anything you want. I call it a number of different things at various times. I'm not being facetious. We found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person or as tonight persons such as our fellow workshop attendees um our wife best friend or spiritual advisor but it is better to meet god alone than with one who might misunderstand the wording was of course quite optional so long as we express the idea voicing it without reservation hmm we do the best we can with that right remember we don't have to do this perfect we just muster up as much as we can of ourselves and give it this was only a beginning oh really no honestly and humbly made in effect sometimes a very great one was felt at once and next week you're going to go into the rest of this these directions but I would just like to point out that again the book says next I would like to just say a little prayer divine presence within living in wholeness moving in joy and love I surrender to your will bring the radiance of your light into my heart and and mind and merge with me to manifest your will upon the earth thank you very much let's give nancy and pat a big round of applause for being so thorough on step three i don't think i've ever heard step three so thorough before so with that said i know we don't have much time but we have just enough time to do what we're going to do so is everyone at that first requirement, that they're convinced that their life run on self-will is hardly a success. Who is not convinced that they are alive? Okay, so we're all convinced and so we are all ready to take this third step. So can I get someone to turn out the light? And then what we're going to do is we're gong to gather on the floor together and if we can get someone to start lighting the candles. We're all going to like get on our knees or sit Indian style however you're most comfortable. Yeah. How do I do that? Yeah. Okay, good. And then... We'll have the basket after and then we can bring it to you. Yeah. Oh, before... Listen, before everyone leaves, I'm going to leave the baskets by the front door. So when you leave, if you could leave money for... food and for rent by the front door. I'll leave the silver basket there, and you can just drop it as you leave. I put a light in the back just so you get a little... So as everybody's gathered on the ground, I'll wait until everybody gets down. Okay. so what we'd like to do at this moment while we're all here together and when you take your third step with a sponsee or whatever you don't you can do this this too as well but what we like to spend five minutes in meditation we're going to play a song during that five minutes i want you to take yourself back to a place where you find peace and serenity maybe where you can sit and imagine yourself walking with your creator, with God and sitting hand in hand with God whether it's just in quiet whether you're praying, whether you want to meditate but take this time of meditation to be able to lift up your creator whoever it is or whatever it is that you believe in and take this five minutes before we take the third step and when the song is over all together in unison we will say the third step prayer together. Okay so let's do a five minute meditation to this beautiful song. It's a contemporary version of Amazing Grace. All these pieces, broken and scattered In mercy gathered, mended and poured Empty handed, but not forsaken I've been set free, I've been set free. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. Oh, I once was lost, but And now what if I was blind but now I see Oh, I can see love Oh,I can see the love in your eyes Laying yourself down Raising up the broken to life You take our failure You take out wounds You've set your treasure in jars out of the air. So take this heart, Lord. I'll be your vessel. The world to see. Your life in me. Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. They say you don't rush like me Oh, I once was lost But now I am found Was blind but now I see Oh, how can you see the love? Oh, I can see the love in your eyes Laying yourself down Raising up the broken to life © transcript Emily Beynon Thank you. Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me Be with us today, and all together we will say, God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me, and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of that power that I love in my way of life and do it with all my life alright alright applause the end comes at the end of the 7th step Thank you.