Stevie B. at the Illinois State Conference of Young People in Alcoholics Anonymous – 2026

Before they start taping this, before I introduce myself Don't ask why, just take it easy I just want to say before the tape starts I have never felt this high such that I drank bong water in high school And completely disoriented at the same time. My name is Stevie B. I'm a recovered alcoholic from Florida. We love you, Stevie! Lots and lots and lots! This is the most... I've been a lot of pause. And I know my friend from Texas is going to agree with me. I've never seen anything like this. This is what I've ever seen. This is probably the most outrageous thing I've every seen. There is a young boy in the back doing virtual reality and I felt like him and I were the only people getting this. It was just him and I, and everyone else was from another planet. And then I kept thinking about Bill. And that, thank God, Bill is sober. And how it must have been to party with Bill. We do love you, Bill. and there's another young lady that was sitting next to you also equally wild. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous is a place where we can enjoy ourselves. God gave us a sense of humor and if you're here for the first time welcome, you're off the hook. and I would imagine there are if can you raise your hand if you're here for the first time Wow I love what Lee said. Lee said about how he was given back a life not not not our old life we're given a new life and I didn't know that my story is gonna have some drugs in it and I know in this I'm sorry to offend you, but this is Alcoholics Anonymous and it's not going to be a drug story out of respect for Alcoholics Anonymous. But if I said that I was peeping out of a window for three days because the scotch, it would seem ridiculous. and full disclosure, I have one eye and the other eye looks around at its own displeasure so if I'm staring at you, it's not me it's the eye thank you I love you if I was here, we'd be BFFs and you are out of control I just want to say that. In a great way, in a great enthusiastic way. Because before we weren't enthusiastic, we were desperate. Before we were sad, we were suicidal. Some of us were suicidal! I didn't think I was going to meet tomorrow and just everything that you said and that your mom is here it's such an incredible story that that it was so bad for some of us that suicide seemed the only option that we didn't think we'd make even to today. And yet the program of Alcoholics Anonymous stops that destruction of our lives. And that's what some of the energy is about, the horns and everything is because we've been given a new life. I kind of feel a little gypped and a little bit of a resentment. When it came to Florida, that was like the weakest. So I wanted to twerk like everyone else. I was going to twerk. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, I'm fine. We're never going to gain any traction tonight, are we? It's going to be a stop and start type of evening. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. And I think that's some of our stories. It's a common story in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't drink and become an alcoholic. And when I say drink, just as I understand, I'm going to use drink. But drink is everything for me. Everything that was ever offered to me, I said yes, unless I didn' t understand the question. I'm not a pure alcoholic, I'm a real alcoholic. And I'm an Endor. And Ima please more. And do you have any more? And I didn't really care what it was. And during that night, it would usually start off with alcohol, of course, and then by the time the end of the night ended, it was whatever was available. And I was restless, irritable, and discontent, even when I was using, because the first drink that I ever took was the only drink that ever really worked. The first drink I ever took and like i said i'm going to say one more time substitute whatever the word is for you pill pop poke drink it doesn't matter the first time i did it that was the only one that ever truly worked and everything else was chasing that that once truly worked i became an alcoholic because i was not comfortable in my own skin and so to see you all at least for the moment to be comfortable in your own skin is one of the gifts that god in the program of alcoholics anonymous gives to us that we don't want to be anywhere else you don't want to beat anyone else you don't want to be somewhere else we're so happy to be here right now in our own skin at least for the moment and that's the miracle of alcoholics synonymous we come into a meeting and no matter how bad we felt in the lobby or how bad we felt five minutes score how bad we felt at work There's something magical that happens when we enter into a room where people that were once lost are now found, people that was once dead are now alive, and we're high-fiving and we are hugging and twerking. And then the miracle takes place. There was a whole center section that was dead until you said you were going to take off your shirt and this whole middle section went crazy. Not now, not now, we're in the meeting. And I'm not originally from Florida, I'm originally from New York and there's nobody else from New York in here because nobody else stood up or you were embarrassed to. And from where I was from, and it's probably the same way everywhere else is from, I thought everything in the world centered around New York. I had King Baby Syndrome. I thought, everything's centered around me, and everything's centered around being Italian, and everything's centering around the Sopranos, and everything's, yo, what's up? The kid is here. And yet I felt from the outside, it looked like I was tough, and on the inside, I was melted. and i went to a huge school before i became an alcoholic i was a great liar a master technician of the mistruth any other liars in this room yeah it seems to be a common theme that most of us were incredible liars because we would rather be a chameleon or something else rather than a nobody so if you pretend you're somebody that's better than nothing and I'm going to tell you one story that really tells the tale of my entire high school junior high experience in my neighborhood it's separated in blocks and the kids on my block the guys on my bloc oh wow, that's so cool hi that's amazing can we just thank her and give her a round of applause No, that's amazing. That's your cousin? I only have one eye, so I didn't know she was there. I just turned just now for the first time and realized it was a whole other section. So if you guys want to help me with the signing, if you see anything going on in this area, just point to that and I'll turn my hand. And so in my neighborhood It was separated by blocks And everybody that was in my block Just happened to have big brothers The Wagamins, the Mungneers The Woolies The Matas The Coens They all had three big brothers So when they would walk to the playground They would have a lot of juice Because they had like a whole team behind them They would be like They would give people teaching them how to do sports And I had a little chubby sister And you don't get any juice for a chubby sister You get no backup So I would walk to the playground And I have no backup And I felt like The reason that everyone was tougher in my neighborhood Is because I didn't have a team And then one day a coach came to school And I went to a big school 2,500 kids, 500 in my class And the coach is going through the roster None of this is made up This is all I want to give you a picture of how my high school or junior high school was. And the coach is going through the roster and he gets to my last name and he says, Boyarsky. And I said, yes, coach. He says, boy, are you does your brother play for the Pittsburgh Panthers? I said yes, he does. Everybody that had known me my whole life, they looked over at me like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, yes, he does. That's my brother. Yes, he does. And he said Jerry Boyarsky is your brother? And I said, yes he is. And that wouldn't be a powerful story if it was just one thing, but I started following this man's career, wearing his jersey newspaper clippings when he was drafted into the NFL, it was the greatest day of my life. And I want to say it again when you feel like a nobody, pretending you're somebody else is better than being a nobody. It's at least a somebody. And that's what alcohol did for me. The moment I took a drink, I became at least an almost. Maybe two drinks to somebody. Alcohol and every other substance that I've ever done was able to help me to create a different me until I found you guys. And then you loved me long enough that I could at least start to find out because there were so many layers in the communion that I had created that i didn't even know who i was i had the italian persona the jewish persona because my my mother's catholic my dad's jewish and that's bipolarism at its best so if you were jewish i was jewish if you're italian i was italian you know a chameleon whatever I needed to be and what happens when that continues to go on the layers and the layers get built and then you don't know who you are and when I was 13 years old there was the toughest kid in my block his name is Kevin and Kevin was the kid I wanted to hang out with because I wanted to go back the next day and tell everybody at school that I hung out with Kevin. And what happened was, Kevin, I went to see if he wanted to hang out with me back then. We say, would you like to play with me back in 50 years? You can't say that now, you'd be arrested. But some of you have obviously said that. Currently. And I went to Kevin's house and I said, would you want to play? Would you like to come hang out with me? And he said, why would I want to hang out with you? And I told him I had guns. because in my neighborhood, in New York, that was not common, but my dad was a Korean War hero, may God rest his soul. We had guns. So I asked Kevin to come over to our house, and we'd blow stuff up. And we started blowing stuff up, and then Kevin got bored. And then when Kevin got board, I came up with a game called Shoot at Me, and it seemed like an amazing game at the moment. The reason I share that with you is because I was willing to do anything not to feel the insecurities that I had. And one of them was when Kevin said he was going to leave, I said, don't leave, you could shoot at me. And when Kevin shot at me, I obviously lost. It was very painful years. I'm trying to save the eye, drugs, surgeries, drug surgeries. And I share that story is because that didn't make me a drug addict all the drugs they gave me i was going to be a something but whatever avenue it was that just happened to be the avenue at the time and the moment i started doing those drugs to get out of the pain of my eye and i was able to feel a little bit different i said this is it i never want to feel like the other guy again and i think if you're here tonight you know what that means you understand that. That feeling, that first high, the first drink, the first whatever it is. And you say, I don't want to be the other person before because I finally have self-esteem. You may not use the word self-esteem, but I finally have a feeling of some personal power when I use this substance. And then the substance turns on you. And then what was recreational? I love that saying. It was fun and then it was fun with problems and then it just became problems and I knew I would never do hard drugs because hard drugs was for the losers and then in the dirt bags in my school and then I became exactly that because one night when they were passing a joint I always had to be the center of the you know the joint wasn't no I had to be the guy that drank the bomb water for the entire room you know 50 people bomb the water. I had to be that guy. And I think at this table, you guys understand that. And so things get increasingly worse and then the bottoms keep going lower and the flows keep going lower in the yets keep going to lower. I'll never do that. Okay. But I won't do that, but I won'T be with that person, but I, but then I won'T be with them. And then the lower and then lower and lower. And then I'm from a neighborhood in New York. excuse me, from a time in New York when New Jack City and that type of error if you don't know what that means it's smoking cocaine and like I said it's not going to be a drug story and when that happened everything changed the party was over it became instant addiction and I went to my first treatment center when I was 21 really 20 I went back up a little bit from there. It's very hard to do that drug when you're in college without money. And so I didn't get very deep into it. But then one day my uncle died and he was a doctor in Florida, a very, very well-known doctor. And it turned out he had alcoholism and we didn't know it and he died in the bottom of his swimming pool alone at 42 years old because alcoholism doesn't care if you're a doctor or you're just coming it doesn't care alcoholism doesn't care with million dollars in the bank and a jaguar when no one had jaguars and a house on the water and everything that a man could want he died on the bottom of a swimming pool alone and left me a bunch of money and when he left me a bunch o money then I had money to do the things that I wanted to do And so it got crazy in college. But I didn't have a problem, because I don't know if this happened to you, that when you have money, it's not a problem. But when you run out of the money, all of a sudden you realize you have a problem. And so I was like party hardy at Central House and party hard. And I was the president of the fraternity. Everything was great because I had the money. And then the girl came up and she turned it into a smoking substance and then everything changed. and then the money was gone very quickly and then a little funny story is that I went to school in the Pocono I went into school in Pennsylvania and Pennsylvania where I was going it's in the poconos there's a lot of woods and one night on the way home from work I worked in one of those destination hotels where the waiters are the same the entire week they wait like dirty dancing they wait on the same table at the end of the week you get a big fat tip envelope and on the way home I ran into a deer and it totaled the car and I wasn't going to be able to go back to work so I called up my parents they're in New York and I said to my parents I just hit a deer and I'm not going to get back to work unless I get the car fixed and they sent me a bunch of money to fix the car subsequently I was hitting a deer every weekend for like the next two months every weekend dear dear dear money coming in money coming in when i when i finally told my parents i was a cocaine act they were like relieved they're like we thought you were more so i go home i tell them that i have a problem with drugs and I'm 20 and back 35 years ago it wasn't common to go to treatment back 35 years ago. It's not like now when it's like the fourth option is college work military and treatment yellow for options. It wasn't like that back then. It was a little different. And so my parents found out who's from Minnesota. Shout out to Minnesota. Yo, I went to Hazelden for the kids you some of you guys might have went for Hazel didn't the kids yeah what's it called now Hazel in for the Kids yeah I went through something called Pioneer House back 35 years ago as he sold them for the kid and I had never sight first of all I'd never been west of Pennsylvania and so my parents put in a VHS tape if you don't know what that is ask the person that's next to you in the house and I said, this is where you're going. You're going to treatment. We didn't know what treatment, nobody knew what treatment was in my area. So they made, I watched a movie called Clean and Sober with Michael Keaton on VHS tape. I don't know if you ever heard of that thing. And as I'm watching the show, it looks like treatments are gonna be fun. There's a lake and there's dating And there's milkshakes and it's warm And so I do like I always do back then When I was 20 years old I pack for working out Because I'm always ready to work out Even though I'm smoking cocaine But I want to be ready to workout Just in case that day I stop and I want To work out So I was always in workout clothes And workout clothes back then was balloon muscle pants and the shirt that my friend's wearing right there, the black shirt right there. Yeah, same thing. Except I had five gold chains and a lot more hair on the front. No, no, you look great. I'm saying how I look. And so I was dressed exactly like that. And I arrived in Minnesota on February 7th of 1999 or 2000. And it was like the coldest year they had had in 50 years. It was like negative 40 when you get out of the airport. I have a muscle t-shirt on. And I realized I had not dressed properly for this occasion. There was not going to be that type of clean and sober type of event with a lake. The lake was frozen over. And unless you've been to... This is coldish, but Minnesota's another level. That's like Fargo type of level. And the guy picks me up and brings me to the treating center. And I'm 20. And I see the steps for the first time. And it says we were powerless over alcohol. And then our lives became unmanageable. But I wasn't there for alcohol. I had a problem with one substance and one substance only And I called the guy over I was used to hotels My dad was a big deal in Atlantic City He was part of a gambling type of organization Bill, you're going to travel with me wherever I go Whatever you do for a living just call in Next week we're in Idaho Can you do Idaho? and I call over the guy. I don't know his name. I don' t know he's a tech. I think he's like concierge, like from the Diplomat Hotel. I'm like, excuse me. And you've got to understand, back 35 years ago, my accent was like four times as thick. So I'm not going to lie to you. I'm going to be like, yo, what is this powerless over alcohol? I have a check in my pocket from Stan Boyarsky for $30,000. I'm no here for the no drinking part of the program. I'm definitely going back to drinking. I just don't want to do cocaine anymore. And the guy comes over to me and he says, we don't drink here. I said, obviously we're not going to drink here, I saw the movie. But I'm not here to stop, I'm 20. Next year is going to be one of my banner years for drinking. And he says well you can leave. I want you to know in Minnesota they have zero AMA rates in the winter, nobody leaves in the winter, I didn't know that I pick up my three piece matching Gucci luggage and I go to leave the treatment center but there was a snow drift over the door like the shining and no one leaves that treatment center for three months, once you enter no one leads because it's too cold and so I tell you that part of the story because it doesn't matter why you're here, I want você de slow down I know we're having a great time, but I want you to hear something. This is important. It doesn't matter why you're here. Your friend ordered you here. Your parents ordered you hier. Your court ordered here. Police ordered. Someone invited you. You're off the hook. I said it before, but you're really off the book. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because it was freezing outside and stayed. It doesn' t matter why your here. Once you're her, your life can change. I stayed in that treatment center reluctantly for three months because I couldn't go I had only spring attire and during that time my parents joined is are you leaves mom no your mom's not here she you are right during that time this a long time ago I just want you to just there was a program called Naranon. There's still a program called Naran, it's Al-Anon for narcotics kids and they had developed like a lingo, like my parents went to this tough love class and like I would call them and they would give me the three C's, you're going to hear an amazing Al-Alanon speaker tomorrow if you want, and Al-Alanon saved my life, our marriage, my household, Al-ALANON saved my household I just want to tell you and my parents joined Al- ALANON but for kids with narcotics problems And then they developed the whole lingo I called my son, I'm freezing out here I'm dying, I'M DYING And usually my mother would send a ticket like right then She goes, I am sorry son We didn't cause this We can't cure it We can not control it Like Martians came down And abducted my parents And they let me die On the streets of Minneapolis It's so cold there no one exists there it was so cold they plug in their engines with with with cords that's how cold it is my parents like you're gonna have to seek help in alcoholic synonyms and they closed the door for mommy and daddy and they brought me to a clubhouse in minneapolis called the 2218 the oldest clubhouse in Minnesota and I met old recovering people made in their 50s and I looked at them as hell this must be where children go to die smoking cigarettes inside yellow teeth beards with yellow on it that we've been waiting for you come on I'm like oh my this doesn't look anything like the movie at all and you guys loved me until I could even even remotely love myself and I was so full of me I don't even know how I remember one time because they're sharing meetings there I don' t think it's sharing meetings here you go around in the round robin we don't have a lot of that in Florida but they were sharing these and I and I remember every time that it would the person would share after me it always was the same share and i didn't really understand that they'd always say something like you know i remember when my head was in my ass you know stuff like that some are sicker than others it was always very similar to the common theme right the guy after me or the gal after me always had something going on personally with them you know patient they would always say some like patience intolerance it was always after my share and they and they were peaceful mean they loved on and I joined a group out there called the Pacific Group assuming the Central Pacific Group which is that which is a group from the from the Pacific group on the west coast for Clancy's group and and that was an offshoot of it in there and was was relaying and this is relay but let me there's all a is really if it works. And if it's not working, it's not the meeting you should be in. And if you keep relapsing, it is not the group we should be. And and if you keep going out, it isn't the people that you should have. The people around you should not be okay with you going in and out. They should tell you the truth. They should tell you the truth about it. I got picked up by this very amazing young lady here today that's got like six years, five years, three years. Yeah, three years. Three years. And it's not okay for your friends that are around you telling you, it's no big deal. We're going to love you when you come back. No, love them before they go out. Call them and say, why are you not at a meeting? You hear this thing, meeting makers making to them people mock that let me tell you some meeting makers make it a lot more than people that don't make meetings there are some rules absolutely enjoy yourself have an amazing time make fun of yourselves make fun about the people in a good way have great time but then get serious with the people in your support group if the people and your support group are buying into the lie people are dying this place should be filled 50,000 young people but quarter of them have died to this disease because people didn't want to tell them the truth. And the truth is this, this disease kills. And the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous will lead you to a place with God and God will place you back in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that hand in hand will save your life. And if you have a problem with God, listen to this, you'll get over it eventually. But listen to This if you have A Problem With God Tonight. It doesn't matter how you feel about God. First of all, let me just cut to the chase. He loves you. God loves your higher power loves you. End of story. You can't be loved by God. But if you don't believe in God, then believe in G-O-D, group of drunks. This is so much more powerful than any one of us. So you can believe in God if that's where you're at right now, group or drums. Or you could believe in your sponsor and your support group and your home group, which is good orderly direction. Your sponsor should be telling you what to do. I mean, not everything, but should I date this person that i think it's my soulmate because we met at the med line in the same treatment center and we have the same t-shirt no that's not your soulmate that's your cabin mate wait but we're on the same drugs we're serotonin partners no so whether you have god of the universe the god of the big book god of the first 164 pages or you have good orderly direction or you have goober drunks or you have a combination it just can't be you and so I get out of the treatment center and I'm having an amazing time in Alcoholics Anonymous and I moved down to Florida my grandfather says come back we want to let you run the family business and I go down to Florida and I get into AA in Florida and i have a year sobriety. I'm maybe 20, 24 years old at the time. I had a relapse in there in between and I come into AA in Florida. Good AA, strong AA, Dr. Bob, Bill W, AA, Joe and Charlie AA, Mark Houston AA, Clancy AA. You just can't be your AA because the AA that you made up lets you drink and drug and go to see strippers, and then come to the meeting the next day. That can't be your AA. It has to be somebody else's AA that works. And I start following people around, and I start doing what you tell me to do. And i think all of you are intelligent. I think you're amazing. You introduced me to the steps. You introduce me to their traditions. Youintroduce me to all the different things that are going on. Andi think you guys are geniuses, and i'm so in love. AndI'm like 25, and then 26 and 27. I'm going to conventions. I bought in. And then I become busy. And then I let the gifts of Alcoholics Anonymous that AlcoholicsAnonymous give me keep me from AlcoholicsAnalymous. I can't make the meeting tonight because I'm working. I can'T make the meeting tonight becauseI have a girlfriend. I canT meet the meeting tonight because I got this. All the gifts that AlcoholicAnonymous and God gave me now are keeping me, I'm letting them keep me from the program that's saving my life. I can't take that call from the sponsee because I'm busy, I'm busy. And then around five years of sobriety, I see her and I was collecting hostages for the first five years. I was anybody that would be a hostage. I'm like, come with me. We're going to, we're going you're going to come to my dungeon. Spiritually speaking, of course, because I know the big book and I want help you and nothing was working in the God sized hole that can only be filled with God was getting bigger and bigger and I was taking steroids and I look great on the outside and I a monster in AA and I head-butted a guy in my home group because he was speaking I go bang I whack him on my head and And then I see her. Final hostage number 212. There was a circus going on in my home and where I worked, at the mall I worked. A full circus. Everything you could possibly think of at a circus. And one of the circus parts was a showgirl. And she was a shogirl. And she rode in on an elephant. and when I saw her riding on the elephant with those big sequins and those beautiful Latin look from Colombia I just looked up and I said that's it that's going to fix everything that I got going on right now and I went up and introduced myself to her and she didn't want to date me and then I pursued her back then the stalking laws were much looser and I pursued here and she finally just submitted out of exhaustion show. She's like, okay, I marry you. That's it. And then we got married and we had a big AA wedding but alcoholism had returned. I want you to hear this. This is important. Just because you're sober does not mean that you don't have alcohols. If you're not actively working a program in Alcoholics Anonymous and developing relationship with God, sponsoring people, service commitments, everything that they're telling you, you could have alcoholism in your life without drinking. there's people with 35 40 years of sobriety I would want nothing that they have their faces are squishy you can tell that they're not working a program that we call them the bleeding deacons and I became one of those people 30 years old I got all the answers I got the triple black Mustang Cobra now I got The Columbian Girlfriend now I Got Big Biceps I got it all going on And I take my beautiful new wife that doesn't know about the United States and I take her to New Orleans for our honeymoon. And she doesn't even know what New Orleans stands for. She just thinks it's Armstrong and jazz. She's like, oh, I love jazz. But I know that New Orleans is going to stand for debauchery. If you don't know what debauchaery is, I know there's going to be nakedness and there's going to looting, very similar to what we saw earlier tonight here. Without the drinking, of course. And we're on our honeymoon and we're on our first date. And we'RE in Emeril Lagasse's new restaurant and those new restaurants, their tables are on top of each other. And I'm supposed to be in love with my wife, but I also have alcoholism so I'm in love with me. I'm looking at her, but I'm thinking about me. I'm lookIng at her. I'm thinkIng, wow, she got a great catch. I'm so amazing. Isn't she lucky? And the food server comes over, and I say, what's going on at the table next to us? And she says, those people have fine wine. Now, I'm five years sober. Those people have Fine Wine, and that Fine Wine is being put in a decanter to let it breathe. And I had never seen that before. And I went right from Mad Dog 2020 to crack. I miss Fine Wine that needed to breathe. I mean, some of you look like you've gotten to the fine wine. This one, two people here, the rest of you didn't get to fine wine either. But at five years sober, guess what happened? If you don't believe you're powerless over alcohol, you will drink again. If you cannot admit to your innermost self that you're powerless over alcohol you're wasting your time. This is not like a diet. This is like, to drink is to die. And I thought it was more like exercise program. Like this is something good. I probably shouldn't drink. Like don't eat too much bacon. And at that moment, I got in my mind that I was going to go back to Florida and I was gonna drink like a gentleman, like the people next to the table that were drinking fine wine that needed a break and they were going, oh, de-de-dee, dee-dey, dey, te-te-tee. Meanwhile, I forgot I was the guy who was going I kind of blocked that out Rolled up in a carpet in the middle of the floor Because I thought it was a great hiding place I forgot that Oh, I want to drink like a gentleman So I go back and I try to drink Like a gentleman But I forgot I had alcoholism And alcoholism doesn't care that I never drank before see I never had a problem with alcohol until I was sober seven years and when you don't have an alcohol in your system for seven years and then you take your first drink you go like this Wow alcohol works and then all of a sudden I was in everything guy and loved alcohol and became a garden variety alcoholic and then realized that half that the pharmacy half the Walgreens is actually a liquor store I never knew that I'm always going in there for my cards And for my medication The entire half in Florida is a liquor store I didn't even know it was there And my life fell apart rapidly I wanted to have one glass of fine wine Next thing you know I'm rolled up in carpets I had a six felony car crash My beautiful new wife that I just married That married sober Steve Our life came apart I destroyed the house because I'm a person that when he does drugs is very paranoid I always believe the police are coming in at any time and because I believe the cops and the police are coming at any moment I have to find hiding places in the walls in that moment so I would punch holes in the wall behind the pictures put the stuff in the holes put the picture up know the police are coming exactly at that moment get on the couch put my legs crossed put on the TV and then when they would break in the police and they would bust in, I would be like, what are you doing here? I'm just watching TV. It's ridiculous. They never came in. There was no police. I would then realize the walls are hollow, not solid like I perceive them to be. That means whatever you put in the top of the wall now is on the bottom of the Wall. When you realize the police coming in, you're not just going to let it just stay inside the Wall there's a very, very small price to pay to take down the wall my poor wife comes home then some of the walls were missing the pipes were missing all the blinds are missing the carpets are missing and I destroyed our home and she leaves to go to Colombia and during that time was 9-11 my parents came to save my life my beautiful mom and dad came out of retirement their son was six, seven years sober and now their son is dying on the floor and they put me in treatment center after treatment center, insane asylum, psychiatric, detox, jail. I couldn't stop. You see, I want to share something with you. It's so much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. So much easier. If you're staying sober and it's easy for you, consider it a blessing because if you go out and you think you can just come back in like a gym membership, it doesn't work. It didn't work like that for me. I went out one day and I spent every single Thursday going out for two years. They called me Relapse Steve in Florida. I was hopeless and I don't say that as a badge of honor. I say that I was dying. Hopeless on October 11th which is around Columbus Day I was gonna take my own life like you but I was going to throw, not that we didn't have dams. That was an impressive story. The dam was a good story. That was very, very good. But I was gonna throw myself in traffic because I was hopeless and there was a man from AA that saw me and he put his hand on my shoulder. I was in front of the detox and I'm standing there. I'm like, I'm never gonna be able to take a sober breath. I'm not gonna be okay. I'm just never gonna get through a Thursday. I can't stop doing what I'm doing. I can'T stop getting arrested. I've just, my wife left me. She served me with a restraining order, which is the police say you can't go back home. And a guy that I never saw again put his hand on my shoulder. I never Saw him again. And he put his hands on my shoulders. His name was Randy and he said, Stevie B, we know you from AA. You'll be able to get back. And I said, I'll never get back and if you're here tonight and you've relapsed before, I want you to know something. You're a miracle. You can do all things through God who strengthens you. And while I was in that detox, I called on my first sponsor, Jerry Bear, a tough guy from Manhattan. That happened to be living in California and he was part of the Pacific group out there and he's part of Marin County men's group. And I called him up and I said, Jerry, what do I do? He says, you're going to get down on your knees. He was very over the top. You're going get down your knees today and you're gonna ask God to keep you clean. It's over. I go, Jerry, I'm Catholic because I figured because he's Jewish, maybe he wouldn't know that, you know, I could like pull like a religious thing on him. I'm like, Jerry. I'm catholic. We never pray on our knees outside of mass. Like I was going to mass. Like while I was rolled up in a bong hole. I was doing the mass. He goes, I don't care what religion you are, Stevie. You're going to get down on your knees right now after we got off the phone and you're going to beg God to keep you clean and sober. and tonight you're going to beg you're gonna say to him on your knees thank you for keeping you clean and sober because if you came over my house and you grabbed the food off my table and you didn't say please and then you stood up from the table and you went to the door and you did not say thank you you would never be invited back in my house again would you Steve? I said no he said so why should you be in God's world one day without begging him for the gift of sobriety and thanking him in that same day you're not grateful and that's why you're NOT going to have it so you better get grateful and get on your knee And I found out that being on your knees is not about religion, it's about relationship. It's about me saying to the Creator of my understanding, God, I can't but you can. It's when Dr. Bob took people into his house and said, get on your knee, give your life to God right now. You can't stop drinking, but God has an answer. And they would be like, oh we can't get on our knees. Then you can't stay! And I wouldn't have been able to stay. I was hopelessly addicted. Am I going too fast? but it seems like you're getting, that's so terrible. It's a very fast talk. I could slow it, okay. I wasn't making a joke. I just see him going like fast. And I started praying on my knees to a God that I didn't know, to a god I didn' t believe in, to a sponsor that I did believe in. Good orderly direction. I didn''t believe in the God of the creator of the universe for I believed in good orderly direction. I believed that Jerry Bear had what I wanted and I didn't know how to stop smoking crack and I don't even know how to stop drinking. Oh, and then I picked up another thing, a casual thing, crystal meth. I don' t even know where this came from. Just hold on, hold on a second. You people make it out here in the Midwest and then export it to us in the East Coast. We don' T even know what it is. This nice guy, wait, wait, shh, this guy in my hairdresser, he goes like, there's Stevie. He goes, Stevie, you look shot out. I go, I am shot out, I was doing ecstasy all night long for three days he goes honey you just need to do a little tina i said hold on a second i used to have a terrible problem with cocaine that was nine years ago i'm not going to get into a bad situation he goes no honey this is just tina and he took his little cute little fingernail he puts it in a little bag like this and give a little team and all of a sudden i was that tina was beating me all the time like ike it was horrible it was i i i was rough that was like a whole new addiction that i took on and i didn't even know where that came from that was just like a side thing i hadn't i did not plan that and back 30 years ago that was not something you should get involved with in florida because you couldn't find it so i had to pretend I was gay and hang out in gay nightclubs and go, hey. Anybody got any tea in there? Yo, what's up? Hey. That was a tough error. Anyway, that was a little sidetrack. That shouldn't even have been on the tape. If you could just take that right off there. If we could just omit that, that shouldn't be on there. Just delete the last five minutes. I'm sorry. I digress. Squirrel. I get on my knees in the detox. And I get a week. And then I decide I'm going to move back home. I don't know if you caught in the story that my wife served me with a restraining order. I didn't really know exactly what restraining water entailed. I thought it was more like a suggestion. I didn' t know it was like that. But it turns out it's like an order. And so I wanted to go home. and so I said to the guy that came to present me the idea that I was going to go live in a halfway house and I said, I'm not going to live in a half way house. I own a full house very close to the center. I don't need a half way of anything. And he said, no this is a restraining order and you're not going home to any house. Don't worry, I'm going to wrap this up for you guys. God showed up for me when I didn't believe in him. he had a plan for me when I didn't even know there was someone to give me a plan and I went and I started living with men that I was not related to and that was 24 years ago one of those men just got out of prison the other man may God rest his soul died from Texas beautiful boy Todd 44 years old just died two months ago my other friend's just coming back he's doing amazing he's got two years in California and I'm the only one that has coming up on 25 years why is that I started doing uncomfortable things I started following a God that I didn't understand because you guys told me to I started taking suggestions that I don't have to clean ashtrays I don'smoke who cares you're going to go to meetings you're going to go to meetings and you're going to meet people that you love and you've got to love on them as soon as you meet them and that's going to be called the language of the heart that's been called the langauge of the spirit and you are going to do the things I tell you to do and I didn't want to do them and I started doing them but my wife wouldn't let me come back home and that is how you may hear that I became a church guy and the reason I became an church guy is because my wife started going to church and I wanted to get back in the big bed so she said I had to go back to church and so i followed her to church and then something happened like with bill w i had an i had an out-of-body experience in church i've never been the same you know it says we're quick to see where religious people are right i'm not saying that that's your path that's my path i'm just telling you my story and then church and alcoholics anonymous those two things it's the same thing i do today it's never changed and then i wanted to go back home and live in the house. And so she allowed me to come back and live in the house at 11 months of sobriety right around one year. And in my first day in the house, now I'm praying to God. I don't have a serious relationship with God, but I'm playing to God and in my first day back in the House, I decided I'm going to turn the mattress over because I hadn't lived there in a year and I felt it was lumpy or what? I don' know why I turned the mattress over, but I did. And when I turned the mattress over, there was my stash and I've never been able to say no to a drink or drug looking at it. I had just gotten off my knees. I was just thanking God for my wife. I Was just thanking him for bringing me back in the house. I WAS JUST THANKING HIM FOR MY SOBRIETY AND GOD SHOWED UP FOR ME WHEN I DIDN'T DESERVE IT. AND I WAS ABLE TO HAVE THE POWER TO CALL UP MY WIFE DOWNSTAIRS AND SAY, SWEETAR, YOU GOTTA COME UP. THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON UP HERE. She cried, I cried, we got all the stuff We put it in a bag and we dumped it And then I'm going to fast forward for about 10 years In my third or fourth year of my sobriety I got into ministry And that's a whole separate subject And I started following God In a real purposeful message In a really purposeful way Started going to church, Bible study Leading Bible studies and that path, but about 10 years sober I wanted to have a baby. Sandy and I want to have a baby and I'm a God guy now and I am sponsoring guys and I take meetings and detoxes I'm doing the whole deal I'm the AA package everything is going great I don't say no people say will you speak here? Yes can you do it at 7 o'clock in the morning? Yes and we want to have a Baby and we can't have a Babye and so we go to an in vitro fertilization clinic and we do that and we can't have a baby and then my wife is from South America, Colombia and we go there and we have eggs donated from one of her family members so that we can have a Baby that works a lot of times and then we hire a surrogate that always works that's their job it didn't work And then we get pregnant. And then we lose the baby. I don't know why I told that, but I just wanted to hear something. When we lose the baby, I'm not prepared for it because I'm already in ministry. I'm AA 10 years. I've been doing everything you guys told me to do. I don' I'm now prepared to find out that AA doesn't give you a life that's free of problems. AA gives you the strength and a relationship with God that's going to get you through the problems. And we lose the baby, and I'm not prepared. I'm really not prepared, but I watched you guys with cancer and different things and people dying, and then I watch what you do. You show me what you're doing. You go to AA in those times, and we lose a baby that day, and I go to a meeting that I'm taking into a treatment center that night, and my wife goes to Al-Anon that night. And I'm crying, and it's okay to cry, and you guys loved on me. and there's a woman that's 18 years sober now her name is janna and she saw us crying in the parking lot she saw me come in to the treatment center that she was in and she saw the man that was leading the meeting crying that he lost the baby that day and still took the meeting in and it made an impact see what you do people are watching in Alcoholics Anonymous there's a whole bunch that said and less that's done people do a lot of talking but people are watching or walking. And so that day, my program came into action. It wasn't talking. We lost our only baby and we were still in a meeting that night. And my wife was across town in her meeting. And then we signed up for an adoption agency. And that would have been amazing except I got kicked out of the adoption agency because I didn't tell you this part of the story. But when I was such a great guy in Alcoholics Anonymous the first time, driving out of my home group, I picked up a prostitute, which is against the law in Florida. I'm not sure what's going on over here. And the prostitute turned out to be a police officer, which is double bad. And I had never told my wife. And then she gets the call from the adoption agency. A man like your husband cannot adopt in the state of Florida. And we get asked to leave the adoption Yeah, I see what some of you are saying, going, wow, yeah, yeah. That's how being sober without a program will get you. That's sober physically but not sober-minded. That's spiritually bankrupt but physically sober. That can happen at any level in any year of your sobriety. We know people that kill themselves with 28, 38, 30 because they're so spiritually bankrupt and they're still sober and they thought sober would cure them. Sober will never cure my mental illness. It didn't cure my mental illness when I was 12. I was a 12-year-old sober. I gave a kid a gun and go, oh, shoot at me. But here's the end of the story. God's so amazing that he had this woman come to our house and do a home study, this Jewish woman named Mindy. And the reason I have to tell you she's Jewish is like by now I want you to know like me and my wife are like over-the-top Christians. We got like holy water in the sprinkler system. And we got St. Francis. We got bumper stickers, T-shirts, giant Jesus on the wall. And we know that Mindy from Boca is coming to do the home study. So I said to my wife, sweetheart, maybe we should take giant Jesus off the wall just for now. Turn St. Frances around, put a yarmulke on him, and let's just pretend we're not who we are. And my wife says, we're going to do it. We're not going to pretend who we're Not. If God wants us to have a baby, we'RE not going To do it by pretending. and she comes and she looks at the giant Jesus on the wall and she says do you think God gave you another chance and we said we know that he did she says well then how could I not give you another chance and she signs off on a home study and then we get a baby like listen this is the cool part of the story you can get a home body you can do a home-study and wait still another 10 years we get it baby like the next month but listen I'm talking about the baby that was meant for us because we fly to north of California to a state we've never been to where they make the whitest babies in the United States. And we meet our son on the first day of his life and he's super white. And my wife's from Columbia and I'm like an Italian from New York. And we bring back our baby and she says, what would you like to name him? And we say Joshua. And his birth mother says, why Joshua? We say because in the Bible, Joshua 2415 says, as for me and my house, we choose to serve the Lord. And she says well I'm not religious. I said all it means is that your son's going to, our son's gonna grow up in a godly home and I want you to know something he has. He hasn't grown up in an perfect home but he's been in a thousand AA meetings. He hates AA. He's been in a thousand church services. Hates church. But he has grown up in a godly home. And he's 14. And he is the love of our life. And when he was nine months old, he sprung out with the most beautiful red hair you've ever seen. I just want to show you how God showed off And he wants to show off in all our lives And then I'll get off the stage He sprung out the most amazing red hair And the most Amazing green eyes And the Most amazing little freckles on his little nose And the Most amazing white skin There's a reason I'm telling you that And he's the twin of my mom And when he walks with My mom, when he works with us People are like, you know, whose kid is that? And when he walks with my mom, people go like this. Ah. That was God's way of putting the cherry on the sundae. To let us know that that was the baby. The one we lost is already in heaven. The one мы wanted, none of our business. The one that God picked out from us is in our house. His name is Joshua. and he grew up in a sober godly home and we haven't been perfect but you guys taught us how to be parents we brought that baby we brought Joshua to meetings from the first week you showed us how to love on babies that cry in meetings you guys helped raise him in Alcoholics Anonymous you guys showed me how to be a man, how to become a man how to not cheat on my wife in 25 years of marriage how not to step outside I grew up in a time where I thought that a man can do whatever he wanted to do. You taught me that a man that's serving God and a man that is practicing these principles and all is fair doesn't act like that. And because of that, I've been able to travel the world. I've being able to see people, meet incredible people my entire life because when God opens up a door, no man can close it. And the last thing I want to tell you is this. Don't settle for sober. Don't settle for silver. You see, God gives us this buffet in Alcoholics Anonymous And on that buffet You guys know what a buffet is, right? And on the buffet On that buffet The first part of the buffet is always salad and crouton And salad and Crouton is still food And you see the people in AA That have settled for Croutons Because they go up to the buffet they grab their plate and they grab the crouton and you see them at the table and they're eating the cruton and they say, how are you doing, hanging in there. And they're miserable because they don't have a relationship with the Creator. And then there's the rest of us, happy, joyous and free, having a ball going down The rest of it would get crack crab, lobster, prime rib, twerking, G-strings. We're having all day. God bless you guys. Love you.