Steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 – Don’t Sweat the Summer Big Book Workshop – Part 2 of 6 – 2025 – Shannon B.

Shannon back to the podium. All right. Shannon, alcoholic. It's about right. We've made it to the amends and half the crowd's gone. That's kind of like my sponsees. A little tired. Food's weighed me down a little bit. But the talks that I've listened to have really inspired me. And thank you guys for sharing a piece of you with me. And thank you guys for coming. You know, the real alcoholics that are left in the room, right? As opposed to those number twos that went home already. Some of you may not know what that means. It's not like a bathroom thing. You get in the book, you'll see. Yeah, you know. That's like a real alcoholic's badge of honor. I'm the real deal. So anyway, we come out of this amends process. I mean, inventory process. We look at six and seven. And I love what Chad says. You know, you get to this piece in the book. And you're reading it with your sponsor. And the sponsor will say, so are you entirely ready? You know, it usually looks like this. Are you entirely ready? And you're like, of course I am. I just came out of spiritual surgery. I just experienced something that I've never experienced in my existence. And I get to see how broken I am and how many harms I've caused. I'm like, I was wrong. I was so wrong. That's what came out of the fifth step. Oops. I was operating from a failed system. And when you operate from a failed system, only one thing. Well, a lot of things are going to happen. But one of the main things that happens when you're operating. From the mind is you're going to hurt others. Especially the ones that you love. And when I got here, I was a victim. And when I came out the other side of. Partially when I came out the other side of an inventory. You know, with a fifth step with a sponsor. I was like, I remember that Chad talks about that hour of quiet time. There's no. Quiet time with three weeks over is an oxymoron. It's just the truth. It is. I had a month sober. I had 33 days sober when I did my fifth step with my sponsor. It was March 17, 2012 and two mix. While the St. Patty's Day parade was going on in Manhattan. We were sitting in my apartment in Brooklyn, New York, breaking spiritual bread over an inventory. And it was about a six hour ordeal. And I came out the other side of that. And I'll never forget what he said to me. He said, do you know what that is by the way? And I had this list of resentments and conduct and fear. And you know, and I said, well, it's my inventory sick. Well, yeah, it's sad, but it's also really what it is. It's a snapshot of your life without God in it. And that has stuck with me since I've had a month sober. Like, well, that's what my life looks like when I'm worshiping the God of reason. That's really it. When I'm worshiping, I have faith in my mind. When I have faith in my mind and I'm worshiping the God of reason, the character, right? The stage character, the construct, the narrative, the mind, whatever you want to call it. When I'm worshiping that, the byproduct is, is I'm not going to mingle well with others. You know how it is. I'm not going to mingle well with others. I'm not going to mingle well with others. You know how I know that? Because I did my inventory. It's proof. You can't lie. It's there. So anyway, so I come out that night, spend the hour of quiet time. It wasn't quiet at all. But I'll tell you, one of the things that happened during that hour was 58 minutes, two minutes and eight seconds. But what happened during that window was I knew the gig was up. I knew the gig was up. I knew the gig was up. I knew the gig was up. I understand fully for the first time since I've been sober the whole whopping month was is that this thing was so much bigger than the drink. That's what I got out of that hour, honestly. You know, and then my sponsor called me and he said, did you leave out anything? And man, I left out some stupid thing from a truth or dare game when I was like 12. Remember truth or dare? We got an older crowd in here. I said that once to a younger thing I spoke at. They were like, I don't know. And here's the thing. It was real stupid. What it was was real. But it came up during quiet time. It was dumb. It was like had to do with like a rabbit or something. But anyway. No, not that bad. And it was wild. I realize now in hindsight, looking back, I was watching how the narrative was going on. The mind said, make sure you tell him about that when he calls you back. And immediately another voice came and said, you don't have to tell him. That's stupid. That's dumb. Look what you just shared. You just dropped five hours of just puke. Like that, you're that, that. And then there was something that was deep within that said, if you don't tell him, you're going to drink. You're going to drink. So he called up and he says, anything else? And I said, yeah, when I was 12, this happened. And you know what he did? Just like he did everything else in the fifth step. He said, hang on. What else? I'm like, damn, he didn't even like hang up or you're freaking weird. See, that's why we can't listen to the mind. It's not true. It's not true. So we set up an appointment. We went over six and seven. Yeah, we went over six and seven. And I love what Chad said. And I think it's true. And there's so many people commenting, why is six and seven so short? Why is there only two pair? Because that's all it needs. It's the hinge for the rest of my existence. You use the word door. I think of hinge. It's like a hinge. And I agree with Chad. I'll tell you from the podium, because I'm supposed to, that no one step is more important than the other. They can't see me on the recording. I'm waking my eye. I think the entire essence of our journey is six and seven. I really do. I mean, 10 and 11, kind of piggyback with that. So anyway, I got to see how wrong I was about my mom. I got to see how wrong I was about my mom. I was like, man, I was really wrong. And there was something that happened to me during this process where I wanted to make amends. Something, a shift took place in me. I had to make it right. There was just something happened in me. I can't really articulate and put it into words. And I was scared. I mean, anybody ever not be scared over at least one or two amends? Anybody? I mean, I've never met anybody. At least the men that I sponsor are like, I'm really excited about this amends. I am. I've lost sleep over this one. They have lost sleep, but it's for the opposite reason. Because they're listening to the story. And my mom was my first amends. And I was living in New York at the time, and they were still living in Rochester. And I'm going to give you some examples of amends, and we'll see where it goes. So I'm 40-some days sober. And here's another thing. We got out of six and seven. We looked at the things that were objectionable. I lied to my sponsor like everybody else and said, I'm entirely ready. I don't even know what that means. I didn't even know what the third step meant. I really didn't. I'm reading this. I think I'm reading the King James version of a Bible. Right? It's like a cell. I don't even know what any of this stuff means. But I have been beaten into a state of reasonableness where whatever he said to do, I just did it. I just did it. And I made this list. And the book tells us that, you know, we get the list from our inventory. And I firmly believe, this is just my take on it, that if you really do a thorough conduct inventory, there probably won't be many names you'll miss. Does that make sense? Because I was taught for years that the conduct was sex conduct. Write down the people you had sex with and don't do it again. You shouldn't have done that. You should have been of service to her. I'm like, what the, huh? I had a sponsor a year sober said, do you think that you have ever caused any harm in anyone's life you didn't have sex with? It's not funny. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just busting these. Sort of. You think? Who just said that? You, Melissa? I'm like, I never looked at it like that. And then the first thing I thought, I'm like, man, all the inventories they've done over the years, man, I missed a lot. I was carrying around a bunch of unfinished business. I didn't even realize. So I sat down and I look at my conduct. Where was, where did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, bitter? And I looked at that whole thing with everybody in my life. Anybody I came in contact with, I hurt. I was like, oh my gosh. So anyway, my mom's first on the list. And you guys already heard a little bit about mom from the inventory. And that's what was, that's what was going on with me. And, um, what in the hell? We good here? Technical difficulties. Hold on. Standby. Come on. Where were we? Your mom. Of course. Mom. Do I hear something funny? She called me while I was here asking for sponsor advice. She's been sober in a 31 years. Wow. Yeah. That ruined my drinking too, by the way. Couldn't borrow money anymore. Yeah, she did. She said, I just, I said, mom, I'm at a little thing with Nicoletta. We're doing a, I got us. And actually I was coming up to speak and I said, I gotta, I gotta go speak. And she said, no, I just wanted to tell you real quick. That advice you gave me the other day about this girl. I'm sponsored. It worked out perfectly. I just got off the phone with her. Thank you. I didn't talk to my mother for years because of what she said. What she did to me. Mm-hmm . You know what the amends really did is it helped shift reality. And I called my mother just like, I love the book gives a specific instructions. It, I'm gonna, I, I believe some of the most important wording in there is when it says calm, frank, and open. You're not selling them a used Honda Accord. And then, that's how I've always operated. And cutting them off mid-sentence. And I'll tell you what, sitting down and making as many amends as I did, looking back in hindsight, a lot of the healing that took place was the wording, but it was the, it was the intent and the energy in the amends while I was showing up. So I called my mother and I said, mama, you know, she's, she's an AA. I said, I just got done doing some inventory and, there's some work that needs to be done. And, and, you know, from this list that I've made of people that I've harmed, you're right at the top of it. And she started crying on the phone. And I said, I just, I, I, I would like to know when it was, when it's convenient for you. I was taught this. Because I'm a caveman when I get here. And I don't mean to say, be funny. I don't know how to interact with humans. Look at my fifth step. Look at my fourth step. It's proof. And I want to know when I could come up and it would be a convenient time for you. I'd have to, I'd love to have a conversation with you. And she said, now, whenever you want. You know, and the mind was like, whoa, slow down. Say six to nine months or something. Let's think about this for a little bit. And, so I did what the book says and I did what the, what my sponsor said. And when I made out the eight, eight step list, my sponsor told me to write down the name and the harm next to it. And it doesn't have to be a Stephen King novel. Nine sentences. Just like, you know. This is what I did. So I made the appointment and I went up to my parents and here's something that I want to share with you for years. I would come in and out of your beloved fellowship. And I would tell you, and I would do it in school, Scott psychologist offices, and I would do it with my friends. I would tell you that I had a weird family that we weren't like touchy feely. Like we were, we just weren't that family. No, that was me. I didn't know how to show up as a son. I didn't know. I was so. Broken. I didn't know how to receive love from my parents. Christmas morning is exciting as it was. There was always a layer on top of the excitement of being a little boy and opening up. There was always a feeling of uncomfortability, even at eight years old, sitting around the tree because I didn't feel worthy enough to get gifts. I'm the weird one. Not my family. My mother did everything she could to love me. I didn't know how to. Reciprocate it back. It was just I couldn't. I didn't have the power. It was too broken. So anyway, make this a point with my mom and I sit down with my mother. And I'm never going to. We were at the kitchen table and I got like six weeks over five, six weeks over. And I just I remember talking to my sponsor. I drove up there and I called him just before I got there. I'm like, what do I say? And I don't know what to do. And I'm scared. And what if she did it? He said. And he gave me the best advice. He said, I'm scared. He said, I'm scared. I think any good sponsor would give you. And he said, pray. And I said, God, please put the love in my heart and the words in my mouth. And I've been using that prayer probably since I've been sober. So I walk in and, you know, it didn't happen as soon as I walked in my mom's house. Of course, you know, we hung on. I think we ended up talking that night. And I sat down with my mother and I sat across from her. And I love, you know, I didn't get into a big novel. And I don't think that that's important. I said, Mom, I. As you know, I'm back in recovery and I've been doing some soul searching. And, you know, I shared a little bit. And I took really important advice from my sponsor. And I do this with the guys that I sponsor. He said, when you say what you say and it's their turn to talk, shut up. So that's what I did. I said my piece. And I said, I want, Mom, I just want to know. You know, if there's anything I can do to clean the slate between you and me. And make things right. I'm willing to do whatever. And then I closed my lips. And something powerful happened. For the first time in my life, I remember looking across at my mother. And I could see the crow's feet in her eyes. The age. And there was like, and this is all happened in like a pico second. Like a brief, like a paused, manipulated pause. And I'm a mom. I'm a mother. And I was like, oh, I'm a mother. And I'm not sober. And I, and what happened, looking back in hindsight, I've talked a lot about this is for the first time in my, this is the power of amends. For the first time in my life, I saw my mother without a role. Honestly, I literally saw her as one of God's kids. I remember just looking at her and she started talking and she shared some stuff with me and she cried. That's why I think that that silence. You know, when we shut up, I think because I've noticed in my own experience, when making amends during that time, something happens where they start to heal. I really believe that I'm not a believer that we make amends for me. You know, you hear things like I'm there to clean my side of the street and good luck with that. I'm there because I wronged you. And I didn't just bump up against you, bump up against you with my character defects. I literally altered the course of your existence. I'm there because I wronged you. And I didn't just bump up against you, bump up against you with my character defects. I literally altered the course of your existence. I hurt my mother. I hurt my mother. My mother was, my parents were both volunteer firemen and I think they were EMT, something along that. They were volunteer. They spent 35 years saving people's lives. Literally volunteering. They were volunteers. They were, I remember as a kid I would hear at 3am the beeper, the scanner thing would go off. You'd hear my dad getting his fire, boom, boom, boom, they're gone. I'm like, good, now I can smoke some weed. You know, but they would run off and do their thing, go save somebody's life in a burning crash. And my mom, when she was, when I gave her the, when God produced an environment during that amends for her to speak and heal, she said, you know, every time that that scanner went off, and we would go to like an MVA, motor vehicle accident, or we'd go to an, we'd go to a suicide call or, we'd go to a drug overdose and, you know, wherever it was, she goes, every time that we would get to the scene and we'd put our gear on and grab the bag, she would, she would say, just before I opened the door, I would pray that it wasn't my little boy. Mm-hmm. I'd like to tell you that that went on for like six months. It was for 30 years. And you know, when I, I heard her say it, but that resonated over the years that I've been sober. And I, God damn, I mean, isn't that wild? Like, we literally burn everyone's life. Yeah. We burn everyone's life to the ground from, from our actions. And this thing that we're driven by, we wash up on the shores of AA and then we get, I'm mad at them. It's their fault. Right? And it's, Jesus, like, no. You know, in my lineage, we got a little thing we pass around from time to time. It's a, it's a little sign and it's got three words on it. It ain't them. It ain't them. You know, when I'm resentful, it ain't them. So one of the things that my mom said was, you know, when I asked how I could make it right, we all know what she said already, don't we? Just be a son. Just show up for Christmas. You know, it'd be really nice if one of, you know, maybe next Christmas you don't call collect from a correctional facility. I'm like, okay. And, and I've done that. They live down in Florida now. And my mom's getting older. And I miss her and I wish she lived closer. But I'll tell you, if she or I was to leave this earth today, her and I are square. And some miracle happened. All of a sudden, we're touchy feely in our family. Like, where'd that come from? That's the power of God. I remember when I was a kid, I used to work on eggshells. When my mom gives me a gift, in fact, now I'm like, why didn't I get two? You know, but when she gives me gifts now, like if it's a birthday card or a Christmas gift or whatever, that feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness is gone. I feel like her son, the wall between her and I has vanished because of the amends process. I see my mom as a totally different person. I had the same type of conversation with my stepdad. As you guys know, I never met my real father. I got punished for it. He got punished for it. Now, some of it was previous stepfathers that physically abused me. And by the time I met him, it was too late. Male authority figures were a no-no in my life. And he suffered horribly for that. He's a good man. He's a real good man. He's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He got sober exactly one year after my mom. And they're both members. You know what? They're both members of the Alcoholics Anonymous group. We need to get out of this mess, until we really get that dog out there again. We need to десятають to give divorce free for what he demands. And now that's our duty. And I want you to understand here. This entire lecturing is like. I mean, don't want to be too into this, all right? Like, no one feels like the only reason you can tell someone what to do with someone is, you know, your wife is going to be jealous of you and no one else is going to feel like you're really loaded to the to let go. You don't want to feel like you're not the only inevitably every day. I thought it was profound. And I had the same conversation with my step-art, my father. That's what he is to me. He's my father. He fathered me. And I was a terror. A year after I was in his life, I was already in a boys' home. I went to a foster home, several boys' homes. I'm what you call institutionalized. I didn't go home for years. And then when I started drinking, I'll tell you a story. My dad called. This is going to show my age. Pay phones. I had a pager. You guys know what that is? I had a pager, and I didn't talk to my family for a long time because that's how I roll when I drink. I'm not a teetotaler. I drink my life into separation from all humankind. And family comes first. And I got a page from home with a home telephone number, and I don't get pages from home. I'm not a pager. I'm not a pager. I'm not a son. I'm a shell of a human being. So I knew something was going on, so I grabbed some quarters, and I went up to the pay phone, and I called them. I said, hey, what's going on? And my stepdad said his mom died, my grandmother. And he said he was crying, and he said she passed. And listen, the reason why I'm calling is I was wondering if possibly I know he'd been sober for a while at this point, and he said, no, you and I don't have the best of relationships, and I just want to put all that aside, and would you be the pallbearer for my grandmother, for my mother? And I said, oh, my God, yeah, absolutely. I'm thinking, who could I borrow a suit from? I'm not a suit guy, you know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, I'll make it happen. He said, can you be at our house on Friday morning a little early? I'd like to set up and have a conversation on how we're going to do the wake and everything. I said, absolutely. I'll be there. I was honored. See? There's a little problem here, and it's what's been discussed all week. And the problem is the wake was on Friday, and Thursday night was $5 pitchers at the local bar. And I don't know nothing about nothing, about phenomenon of craving or none of that. I'm going to the wake. I'm going. And we all know what happened, right? Right? Thursday night I'm with my buddies, and one of them, I had a security at this club, and somebody had caught wind that my grandmother had died. And they came up to me afterwards. We were closing the bar down. They said, hey, man, that's Shannon. Let's pour a couple back for grandma in the honor of your grandmother. They didn't even know who the hell my grandmother was. I'm like, that's my brother. But here's insanity again, and here's what it looks like. When I first said, guys, I can't. I can't. Maybe tomorrow night. Maybe when I get back from the funeral. I've got to get up early. My buddy Steve let me borrow a suit. I'm the Paul. I can't. I can't. Again, I know nothing about an allergy phenomenon. I know nothing about nothing. But I drank enough up to this point that I know if I start drinking, I'm probably, it's not going to end well. So I say, no, no. And then all of a sudden the voice starts to happen that everybody's talked about here today. And what the voice said was, here's what the obsession sounds like. Who was it that said obsession isn't like drink, drink, drink. This is what it sounds like in a real soft, loving, caressing, codependent kind of. What kind of friend are you? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? You guys put their life on the line for 11 bucks an hour working for you, breaking up fights all night at this bar, and you can't even have a frickin' one drink with them? One drink? Right there is where I went insane. I went insane right there, sober. So I started drinking with them. Just going to have one, maybe two, and a shot. And some stuff on the back of the toilet. But other than that. It's a big dose of voltose. Wow. I went insane. Finally. Finally. Luckily, we didn't get dirts or anything. Okay. What do you do yesterday? We happened to make an appointment with my wife. Hey how are you doing? Okay. And when you met young girl, you were like, you like, are really impressing me. She was pretty good. I was sure she liked me. Oh, wow. Two times. phenomenon of this abnormal thing that happens to me when I start to drink you know and the thing is is I love what the doctors say the doctors actually use the word phenomenon not only about the physical allergy but how we think too how we think they use the word phenomenon in the drinking the doctors do and they also use the word we we don't think normally you just got to experience you heard it and everyone's talking and I'm sharing you with mine just going to have one that's it so the pager starts going off at around eight o'clock in the morning and I don't know if people who remember pagers but remember you'd get like star 411 anybody remember that yeah you know like where are you and then it was star and then it's star 911 star 911 and then I do like anybody is I just try to blot out my intolerable situation the best I can and I just reach down and turn off the pager hmm you major wrote him every yesterday issue goodOK let's see when we proceed group series show up? Can you just show up and be my son? So fast forward about a month and a half goes by, I'm back, you know, I'm living, I'm still living in New York City. I show up for my home group in Manhattan, my sponsor's out there and I'm kind of dibbly dabbing around with my sponsee brothers. And he comes up to me and he says, how's that amends going with your dad? And I'm thinking, this selfish, I made the amends to my father. I called him crying from the driveway. Like how did, I didn't say all this, I thought it, but I'm like, how, how did, what do you mean? How, I made the amends. And he could see like the, you know, the dog confusing, like what's he talking, he saw it. And he said, oh, you must be confused by the question. I said, just a little bit. He said, I didn't ask. I said, how is the amends going? I'm like, oh, when's the last time you talked to your dad? I'll bet you it was when you said that. And he said, I'm not judging you. I'm just helping you see what did your dad say when you asked him what you could do to clean it up? And he said, he said, just be a son. He said, that's an invitation. He said, you got an Amazon account? I'm like, yeah, who doesn't? Yeah, of course I do. He said, that's what I want. What's your dad like? This is how self-centered I am. I couldn't answer him. I couldn't. I'm like, I don't, I might, you know, he's like, you know, you get the sponsor when they roll their eyes. He's like, does he like sports? I'm like, he likes the Buffalo Bills. They're from Rochester, New York, upstate. So he said, when you go home tonight, I'm not going to tell you what to get or anything. He says, why don't you just buy him something that has Buffalo Bills on it? Just because. Not because it's Father's Day. Not because it's, not because it's a, just because you want to show up as a son. So I went home and I ordered some slippers off Amazon with little Buffalo Bill logos on it. Sorry, brother. Dallas Cowboy, I see you. Sorry. They were in Super Bowl together. And I got a call from, from our, about four days later. And I picked up the phone and he couldn't even talk. Couldn't. Couldn't. And he said, thank you. See, it wasn't the slippers, was it? No. It was the intention behind them. He got to heal. And the irony is, is I got to heal. I got to heal from that. I, to this date, and I mean this, I don't know. I have made every amends that I'm, that I'm consciously aware of. That I'm consciously aware of. There may be ones, there have, there was ones that slipped through the cracks. I remember one time I was sponsored. This is a sponsorship. It's so good. I was sponsored by a sponsor. I was sponsored by a guy. He's like, yeah, I think I, I own an attorney like $5,000 for something he did. And I just skipped town. And I owed an attorney money too. And I forgot about it. I was like, oh, why'd you have to, so, and this is the story. This is the wild thing about the construct. You ever like owe money to somebody and in your head, it's like a hundred grand and it's like $138 and 16 cents, right? In my head, I had, I owed him because that's what we do. We start, we sell this story, self plants, this seed in the net. And by the time you get here, it's like, or better yet when someone owes you money, when someone owes you money, there's this, I've almost said this first and last name. There's this guy, Steve, that I worked for. I would tell you for 10 years, he owed me $5,000. In fact, the amount went up every time somebody asked me, that's not a lie. I'm not saying that the amount went up every time someone asked me. By the time I got to AA, it was like 10,000, 25,000. I don't even remember because I got to validate and justify the resentment. If it's a hundred bucks, who the hell, who cares? But anyway, where was it? Lawyer. So I call up this lawyer and he knew me very well. I had him on speed dial for many years. And the last assault charge was going to put me away for a long time. I had heard a cop. And I'm not, I'm not saying this to brag. Yeah, I was just an animal. I was just an animal. And I called this lawyer up, his name's Steven. Funny, not the same Steven now, but I called him up and I said, Steven, it's Shannon Beattie. And he got real quiet because he hadn't heard me for a long time. And I said, Steven, it's Shannon Beattie. And he got real quiet because he hadn't heard me for a long time. And I said, Steven, it's Shannon Beattie. And he got real quiet because he hadn't heard me for a long time. So he kind of hit me from the ears because I'm sober now. And he goes, what'd you do? What'd you do? And I said, actually, I wronged you. And I knew he was far and I just, I made it, I felt intuitive and I made the, I said, Steven, I owe you, I owe you a significant amount of money. I owe you a lot of money. And I wronged you on that last case that you saved me from serious prison time for that fight that I got in at the club. And you know what he said? See, this is the wild thing about the mind. I thought he was going to be like, aha! Finally! I've lost sleep. He goes, really? I didn't even. And he's like, hold on one second. I can hear him kind of in the background. He's talking to his secretary. And she's like, BD. He's like, what's the last four years? He's going through the whole thing. And then he's like, you hear him? And he comes back on the phone. He goes, oh, hey. Yeah, it's funny. I actually got it written on top of the folder here, $2,800. I thought it was like 50 grand in my head. And no, it was $5,000. I'm sorry. It was $5,000. And I made my amends to him. And he said, you know, Shannon, first and foremost, I don't want your money. I was like, yes! But I could hear my sponsor's voice in the background go, what? You're paying him back. So I said, no, Steve and I. And, you know, we have to do it delicately. I'm not going to argue with him. That defeats the whole amends. But when I'm in prayer and there's intent behind it, it's like the words just come out. And the words came out real softly. And it said, Steve, and I really appreciate what you're saying to me. But I will tell you. And I didn't even plan this. It said, I will drink again if I don't pay you back this money. And he knew what my drinking looked like. He saw it. He saw the pictures. And he said, well, this is wild. He said, he said, he said, will you work with me? And I thought he meant set up a payment plan. And I said, I'll do whatever you want. And he said, I would feel better if you could only pay me half. I understand you have to pay. And I will. I'm willing to do that. But I will not take all of it. Can you pay half? And I said yes. And I pulled out the credit card. And I gave him the money. And then about a week later, I got a card from him. And he said, I've been a lawyer for 37 years. I have never met another human being like you. You have changed my view of mankind. I'm a drunk. He got to witness God's expression through the amends process. And that's why I really believe when I hear people say I get to make amends. I understand that now in hindsight. I think that's a hindsight statement. When you have, you know, before you make the amends, it doesn't feel like I, yippee. But I'll tell you, anybody in here who's made some amends and you've come out the other side of them, you know what I'm talking about. We get to do that. And I'll end with this because Chad and Julie are going to come up here. I firmly believe. That steps 10 and 11 are truly a byproduct of 9. A completion of 9. At least, I don't think, I don't. I understand today why 10 and 11 are not before 8 and 9. I really believe that when I start to go out there and clean up all the mistakes that I've made and driven myself and, you know, all that stuff. I really firmly believe that I can sit quietly in peace. I can. And Nicoletta tells a story because I was the same way. My sponsor, my first sponsor, Mike, up in Rochester, New York, when I first got sober, he said, let's spend a couple minutes of quiet time before we get into the book. And I'm like, what the hell is quiet time? I don't even know what it means. I really don't. I'm an animal. And he's like, I'm just going to put a little timer on my phone. Two minutes. And he put on the timer and he said, let's just be. I got angry. I really did. I got pissed. And within, I'm not, I'm not exaggerating. No, he's over there like. And I'm like, he's just showing off. Like, what's this? Two minutes. I can't even like, oh my God, is it hot in here? I'm like, that was like eight seconds. I'm the guy with unfinished business internally that I'm like, I need the heat on and the windows open at the same time. And today, because of the process and because of people that came before me, and taught me how to sit down with another human being and say, I wronged you and look them in the eye and be part of you and part of humanity. It's wild. Like my mom said something the other night on the Zoom. Somebody was on it. And I know Nicoletta's heard her say this before. And I'll shut up. My mom said, when I grow up, I want to be just like my son. That's because of the Amens. It's not because I'm sober. So, thanks. Thank you.