Step 8 After Three Relapses: When Any Lengths Finally Means It – Allyson K.

Hi, I'm Allison. I'm an alcoholic, a nervous alcoholic, but that's good. I want to thank Mary Beth for asking me to come present. My first reaction was, of course, no. And I had many excuses as to why I could say no because I'm really, I've been traveling a lot for business and it's funny because I talked to her three times and it kind of got changed three times and every time I was still available. So I, yeah, and I really thought, and I can't lie today in my life, and that's just the truth. Had I said no out of fear, because that's what it would have been, then fear would be ruling my life instead of God. And I've already done that, and it's not going to work. And also, it gives me an opportunity to seek conscious contact with God, because Because the truth is I do have fear. But I get another opportunity to consciously grab God by the hand and say, let's go. We've got something to do. And I honestly believe because it got three times and all three times it was available when I was home maybe five days out of 30 that I was supposed to be here to do this. So I thank you for that opportunity. And this meeting in particular has a lot to do with the person I am today. Um, I was three years sober. I was page 52 in every breath and didn't have a clue that I was. I, um, I was suicidal when I wasn't at meetings, but when I'd go to meetings, I felt better. So I really just thought I'm just crazier than the rest of you. And I honestly thought I was different, not with my drinking, but you know, I'm like, I don't know what's going on. inside and nobody can know. And the longer you stay away from a drink, the more your ego tells you, you can't tell anyone what a mess you are. And I hadn't there for like six months. There was a man that just every time he saw me, he said, Alison, you got to come to Bernardsville. AndI was going to like 20 meetings a week. Andi was like, oh, yeah, because I need another meeting. And, you know, talk about a closed mind. And it went to him him one morning, it was 7.30 in the morning meeting in Marstown and I told him that I had a knife to my wrist the night before and that I didn't even need alcohol, that I could actually kill myself and I was smiling with that knife to My wrist and he gave me the number of a woman who was a group member here then. He dialed her number at 7.15 in the Morning. He told me her name and said tell her you need help and I got on the phone to this strange woman at 7.50 in the the morning. She said, you know, what's your problem? And I once again described page 52. Little did I know I could have just said turn to page 52, but I dumped all my drama on her. And she just went, oh yeah, I can help you. Meet me Saturday in Bernardsville. And I said, well, where's that? And she said, if you want to be there, you'll find it. And she hung up the phone. And I thought, oh, this is pleasant. And then you come here and they don't introduce yourself on Saturday, and I'm like scared once again. But what happened was three years sober, I was willing to do anything. And underneath that all, I really believed AA didn't work. Really, those were my beliefs was that AA didn'T work. The truth today is that I didn'T work this program the way it was written. I'M a quitter. My inventory show that time and time again. And you give me a half measures, I'll take it. Even if it means I get a little relief for a little while, I'll take it. And that's what I was doing. I mean, my first fourth step, I did a fourth step. I felt better telling someone all this stuff, but I never moved past that. You know, I guess I did the fifth step. And, you know, I gave God my alcohol problem and I was running the rest of my life. And so at three years sober, when you end up with a knife to your wrist, you kind of realize that your way is not working and which takes me to the place I'm heading towards step 8 of how I became so willing to do step 8 because you see I had been here 3 times prior to that 3 years which now I have my sober date is December of 1997. I do not know the date because again, I did not believe AA worked and I was just here to rest for a little while until I died I just know it was December of 1997. And I had been here three other times, and I had a year sober and a year and a half twice. So I no longer in those year and half year had the mental obsession. I no long had the physical craving, and yet I returned to a drink. And I tell you, I did step five. I mean, that inventory compared to the inventories I have done since that three years sober are quite different. But the truth is I followed the directions I was given at the time, and I did what I did. But I never did step eight. And I certainly then, of course, never did steps nine. And I returned to a drink. So I have my own experience to tell me, to learn from, that I did not finish these steps. And after being separated from alcohol for a year and a half with no thought in my head of drinking and no physical craving, I returned this. this. So that alone gave me the willingness to go, I better do what I'm told. Now, at this three years sober and I hook up with this woman, she sits me down and she asks me if I'm willing to go any length. And I'm absolutely desperate. My life's a wreck. I'm a wreck spiritually, mentally, physically, you name it. I'm just a wrecky. You just can't fill me up. Nothing is working. Even even the stuff that worked when I was out out there. It just doesn't work. I don't even try anymore. And she had me write in the front of my book that, with the date, that I was willing to go to any lengths. And she told me basically what I was doing was making a deal with myself, with God, and with her. And like I said, I have no problem writing that today. Okay, let's go. Let's go. And She told me that there was going to come a time when I wasn't going to be willing. And she mentioned these particular steps. And she told me she was going to remind me that I made a deal with myself, with God, and with her. I'm going to read from the book here what it says about Step 8 because it's so short. And it's funny, when I was asked to do Step 8, I, of course, wanted to run the show, which I know does not work, so I didn't. But I'm thinking, can you give me any other step? because Step 8 is so simple. How am I going to talk for an hour on Step 8? Like, I'll take – I could go for two weeks on Step 3. I could talk for a couple hours on Step 2. I got so much experience with Step 2, Step 8. You know, what am I gonna talk – can I do 8 and 9? And then actually, for a little while, I was doing 8 and9 because then I could just do a little bit on 8 and do the whole rest of the time on 9. But actually, knowing that this was kind of my assignment, I sat down with it, and I found a lot about Step 8 which was really good for me. So hopefully I can share some of that tonight. So anyhow, it says, now we need more action, without which we find that faith without works is dead. Let's look at steps eight and nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now, I guess that means right now, we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. We haven't the will to do this. We ask until it comes. Remember, it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. And I guess they're just reminding me, kind of like my sponsor told me she was going to before I even got here, because just in case I forgot, which I do forget. And that's why I need to keep doing this and keep doing this, because I have a very convenient forgetter that, like I said, will just remember what it wants to. So basically, you know, like I said I find step eight very simple because I never had a problem with step eight because I was in that place of desperation. I was is in that place of following directions. So what I'm going to do is tell you my experience with step eight, and then I'm also going to tell you about my experience working with others with step 8, because my experience is very different from some of the women I worked with, and that's all another experience. But basically, I've always looked at step eight as two parts, is you make a list and you become willing. And that list is basically already done for me from my fourth step, from all my inventories. Because even my resentment inventory, it really comes back to I did something, my attitudes I brought towards you, anything I did is I've harmed you that then I have this resentment at you. And of course my harms inventory and my sex inventory and my fears because of my fears, I did things to harm people. because, like I said, these things ran my life. These things owned me. They made up who I was. I was a walking fear. And because of it, I was the tornado roaring through the lives of others. My mother used to call me Hurricane Allison, and my father called me Cancer, and this is what I was in their life. And I can tell you this was accurate. it. They weren't just being mean, you know, and they don't call me those things anymore, you know. Anyhow, so this willingness. Now here's the thing. Step eight says, put it in here somewhere. I did put a marker in here. Step 8 says, made a list of all persons we we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. And for me, the operative word there is all. It says the word all two times. All means all. But yet I changed that to maybe and oh no, I'm never doing that. All means all. I have come to witness and believe that there are two schools on step eight. And first I'll tell you my school and my beliefs. It's not my school. It's the one I fit into. And then I've been witnessing and worked with women to another school. Now, for me, all means all. So I don't move to step nine if I'm just willing to make some of them. That's for me. Now, I can tell you I didn't struggle with this. All meant all. When I was told to go home and make that list after all my inventories, after six and seven, I went home and I came back with more amends than I even needed to make. And I remember my sponsor saying, why were they on there? You didn't do anything. I didn' t know. I thought maybe I did because I have some bad thoughts. And I was just willingto do whatever. You know, and I found, especially particularly with 8 and 9, there's a guidance, sponsor guidance. I have never done an amends ever without speaking to someone first because my instincts get involved. My reasoning gets involved. Well, they did this to me, so I'm not doing all of that gets involved, so I've never made an amens without running it by someone first, but all means all. all. So I'm told to pray until it comes. Now, all means all to me because what it comes back to is my first step. Do I believe that if I don't make all these amends, it might lead me back to a drink? Now, my own experience has showed me not making amends has led me back to a drink. So, I don�t need to be convinced anymore. I don �t need my own running the show to convince me any longer. I've done that through three relapses in AA. And let let me tell you, even though I never did these steps the way the directions asked me to, I made some amends. I absolutely made some Amends before I drank again. You know, the ones that I would look good, you know, saying I'm sorry, the ones I could manipulate things a little to get my way, the ones fed my ego a little because I did not have an honest and sincere desire to right my wrongs. It came from, let me just, because, you know, I think a lot of it was because it was in my head and not in my heart. And I think a lot of it was because I'd never really done step two. That was always my stumbling block, was I gave God the alcohol and nothing else. And I only got God involved when I ran into trouble. I was still running my life the way I did with a drink. You know, I'd try everything I could, just like switching from beer to vodka to wine. You know? Never occurred to me, just put it down. It's just, you know, no, I needed to play chemist to find the right thing. And this is what I was doing with my life problems. And I was page 52 and I was incredibly spiritually sick and I had not come to believe. I'd come to belief that for some reason I come into AA and this God thing takes care of the alcohol problem because I am a low-bottom drunk. I drink and drug around the clock 24-7. So the fact, even with three relapses, that I can stay away from a drink for a year to a year and a half is an absolute miracle without spiritual experience absolute miracle so why do I need to do the rest of this I haven't drank because that's what I'm here for I got a drinking problem again, because you don't read the book you don' t realize drinking is only a symptom I was in a meeting I think it was my second meeting here on a Saturday night and someone read page 52 and I was like for the hour why did anyone ever tell me that was there like oh my god that's me it's been in this book the whole time and no one ever showed it to me and that day was huge for me and that way I caught on fire even more you know when I started this work over three years ago the real work my spirit has been on fire ever since I think it probably has something to do with being an AA and suffering for quite some time and then knowing there's a solution and there's tremendous freedom involved. What I knew was freedom, what I thought was freedom I now know was relief. And I've been set free, and I did none of this. You know, it is because of a God in my life, the God I, because I want to stand in the sunlight. You know every time I read Bill's story and it says I stood in the the sunlight at last. I just said it. I get chills. I can feel that because I've been there. I've seen it all. That's it. You know, I happen to have gotten hooked up with some people that are no-nonsense. I'm not as no-nonce. I am, but the women I'm no-nocence with leave. So I've tried another approach. They, you know, and so I've realized there is more than one way because my willingness doesn't necessarily mean someone else's willingness. And all meant all. So I made this list, and I became willing to make all my amends, and that was it. And that was if for me with Step 8. And now I'm going to tie this in. About three weeks ago, I committed a harm. It was big. Family members, my sister's girlfriend, there were harms committed on me also. Did a tenth step, found my part, made amends to my mother, refused to make amends to my sister'S girlfriend, absolutely refused. It's been playing in the back of my head for weeks, for three weeks now. And I'm at the place now. Now, three weeks ago, I hate her. I'm never making amends, never, never. And I meant it. I'm now at the place that I'm willing to write a letter. And I have to tell you, this is not my doing. It's because I made a deal with God. It's porque I don't want to drink. It's not because of anything to do with this woman. I also know when I make this amends, they're going to be like, you know, good. I'm not going to get an apology back, which is not why I make amends. I have clean my side of the street. But I can tell you that I'm watching this power work in my life despite my best efforts to keep it out. Because I hate this woman and I don't want to make amends. I cannot live my life that way. I will get there. You can probably ask me in another three weeks and I'll tell you the amends is done. I can tells you that's very slow for me today. To, in a tense step, know crystal clear my harms. Done the writing on it. Found my part. part, found where my instincts were threatened, found what areas of self were affected, and then found my part and avoided this long to make amends. Because I do this, all means all. I think what happens is this pain they were in has lessened. They're kind of getting used to this sober good life. And they forget. You know, they forget how much pain they and they're actually living on the power of a good life. And, again, my experience shows me that given enough time, I will be led back to a drink. That is not something I want. Again, it all comes back for me to my first step experience. Am I the person on page 21? Am I The Real Alcoholic? Am I THE PERSON THAT GOES TO BED SO DRUNK I OUGHT TO SLEEP AROUND THE CLOCK AND YET I WAKE UP SEARCHING FOR MORE BOOZE? You know, have I conceded, surrendered, and admitted to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic? And because of all this, and do A, B, and C fit? Am I, you know, oh, I'm so bad with the quote and you have to bear with me. That I'm alcoholic and could not manage my own life. That no human power could have relieved my alcoholism. And that God can and will if he were sought. Am I convinced of these things? This is where my whole first step lies. And if I am convinced of these things, which I was thoroughly convinced, I was taken through this work very thoroughly, very painstakingly, and I appreciate every second of it. Because I'm convinced of this, particularly that no human power could relieve my alcoholism, I moved into step two because I need a power. Lack of power is my problem. So because I need this power, and I need to start getting right with this power. And I need start taking certain attitudes towards this power and the problem, and they tell me this power is deep down within me and that's where it's always been. The problem is it's blocked. I can't get to it and I'm always looking out here for everybody else's power and other things to give me power. hour. And then, again, three years sober, you are absolutely beaten by self-will into a place of reasonableness. Alcohol beat me there and then I came in and did half measures and I got less than nil. You know, I thought I was okay for a while because I wasn't drinking. But I was getting sicker every day. I was getting more blocked every day? The first thing ever, I came into AA in in November 1993, November 28th, 1993. And the very first thing that attracted me was the St. Francis prayer. And it is still the thing that attracts me the most. That has never left me. And I wanted to be this channel of peace. And I do this visualization a lot and I picture this channel in me. And I picture all this garbage in the way, you know? So I want to come to believe in this power because I desperately need it and because it's the only thing. Because no human power, and trust me, I tried it all. And I had many fights with this God thing. But like I told you, I could talk about step two for weeks, my experience with step two. What I really mean is I could Talk About How to Not Do Step Two for weeks. And so I move. I believe that one step flows into the next. So if I believe this, I move into the third step. They tell me this coming to believe is a process. I believe it is. And I had to start somewhere. So I make this decision in the third step, basically to continue with the rest of the steps. Basically my decision says, I want to stand in the sunlight of the Spirit. I wantto be unblocked. And what I also find out is that I have problems with God's universe. I have problemwith my fellows. I haveproblems with myself. self. I have problems towards life. I have problems with everything. So what I find out in the first three steps, in one, two, and three, is that those are my steps to start getting right with God. And I just said I have problem with my fellows and with God and with myself and with the universe and with life and everything. I've problems with everything. So these first three step get me, start to get me right with God. And then four through seven, start Start to get me right with myself. And step eight is the first time besides a sponsor that I'm dealing with another human being. Now, in the third step, people, you know, third step. Well, how do I just sum this up? The third step tells me, asks me to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to care of God as I understand him. Now, what I know today is that what I need to do is get my will aligned with God's. And I get those directions in the 11th step. And so I can't really completely do this third step until I do four through nine. Oh, so here I am. I mean, I hear people say all the time, you know, I'm working my third step and I'm workin' my third steppin'. You know, I was told this when I came in to just, you now, do the one-two-three, one- two- three. Well, I'm stayin' blocked forever then. I can afford to do that. I need to do four though nine. You know Joe and Charlie compare these steps to bakin' a cake And I totally identify with that. You know, I come into AA and I want a cake. Kind of like I'm willing to go to Annie Lutz. I want to cake. Well, there's 12 steps to baking this cake. And let me tell you, my last two fourth steps were intense. They were brutal. And my fifth steps last for days and hours. And they were brutal, I put a lot of effort into this. What if I stop there? Well, that effort means nothing. You can't just go up to seven and think you've got a cake. You know, you've gotta follow all 12 steps to bake a cake or I'm not gonna have a cake and no matter how many times I mix the batter and pour it in the pan and grease, flour it and grease my pans, it doesn't matter, I'm still gonna have cake. I'm getting a cake, but I see this. It is so, I shouldn't say this out loud but I'm saying it anyway because it's coming. It is show frustrating to work with people and watch them stop, especially after you've watched them do some amazing fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh work. And then they make a couple of amends and they stop. And they look at you like you've got six heads when you're like, hey, what's going on with your amends? What are you doing here? You know, and you stick the foot up the butt and you kick them a little more and you keep calling them on and then they don't like you no more. Well, I'm not here for you to like me. You asked me to help you take you through the steps because you wanted a cake. And now you don't have, you're not even getting a half-cooked cake. You're getting no cake. It's all for nothing. And that's the truth because I've done that. I've come so far and thrown it in the trash. Come so far undone it in the crash. And I made a decision. I made an absolute decision. And this is me. I'm telling you, I've had an absolute psychic change. I am I'm not capable of keeping my own word, particularly when it comes to myself. I'll keep my word if it makes me look good in your eyes. But now when it come to myself, I quit on myself. I didn't like me much when I got here. I made a deal with God, myself, and my sponsor, and I'm keeping my deal. And that's it. It's that simple for me. So one through three, I start to get right with God. Then I have this fourth step. And this fourth step is this fact-finding and fact-facing process. And it helps me to find my stock in trade, you know, searching, fearless, thorough. These are the things. I can tell you that my fifth step was much more powerful than my fourth step because I got shown a lot more about my stock and trade in my fifth step that I somehow couldn't see. Imagine that. that. And what I see in this is that my instincts are in collision constantly. And because of this, I have all these defects, shortcomings, whatever, they're the same thing. And these shortcomings cause me to act in ways which cause harm. These shortcomings when I'm afraid really act up and every one of my resentments is rooted in fear. Somewhere along the way That hundred forms of fear, I think they're lying. I think it's a thousand forms of fair. And I really thought, you know, I knew I had a few fears. But these fears, they own me. They rule my life. They have me saying no to people because I'm afraid. I have to tell you, God is absolutely working in my life now. Allison, I know. I've said no to weddings because I didn't know who was on the guest list. To people I cared about. You know, people I care about and loved, I was too afraid to go somewhere. And I went on a sober cruise three weeks ago by myself. I was the absolute, there were 234 recovering alcoholics. And they all kept saying, you're here by yourself? Yeah. And I was free. I met so many people. I had the most amazing time. I was not capable of this before. You know, I just was not able to do it. I just keep experiencing more and more freedom. I asked people to go. Nobody wanted to. People didn't have the money. People didn't want to step outside their box. I was that person. I totally identify. I just, I can do what's comfortable. You know, I, I Can, I could do a year and a half sober. Well, not anymore, but I can Do a year-and-a-half sober with my hands tied behind my back. I know how to do that. I know How to stay spiritually sick for a year And a half. I know I had to continue to be a tornado in the lives of others for a Year and a Half. I know to stay away from a drink for a, Year and A half until I found this. I get very spiritually sick very quickly when I fall off this beam today. Since I have been awakened, I need to continue to do this. So I get this list from my fourth step that takes me into six and seven. My fourth and fifth step take me into sixth and seventh, where I know I don't have the power to remove these things. I can't wish them away just like I can'T wish my selfishness away, just likeI can'Twishmyalcoholproblemaway, way, just like I can't wish my resentments away. I cannot wish these shortcomings away. I need God's help. You know, the third step asks me to be willing and so does the sixth step. Oh, guess what? So does the eighth step. Oh, it keeps asking me to become willing. Something happens when I become willing So in sixth and seventh, God is the only thing that can remove these things. And again, because of this list of shortcomings, I now have a very long list of harms. arms. Now, you know, the obvious was always the obvious. You know, I can tell you that I had this list of arms from my inventories. I had more to add. You see, because what started happening is at two years sober, I walked into, now I stole a great deal of money from my parents because they owed me. They screwed my life up and they owedme. And I was not not that person. I was not that thief anymore. And, um, I walked into my mother's house at two years sober and I was awake when I walked in there. And I saw my mother first, first reaction to seeing her daughter was where was her handbag? And she found it very, you know, she wasn't making an issue of it. I Was just watching her and she was clutching her hand bag the whole time I was there. That was, I don't think I ever felt so bad in that two years than that moment. That's when it hit me. Two years sober without a drink, trying every day to be a better person, trying to move towards God, trying to think of others and less of myself. And my mother's peace of mind is still stolen from her. Oh, my God, I've done way more damage than I ever even thought. How do you repay peace of might? When you're not even doing these things anymore. And I will tell you, my next instinct was, was, if she wants to act like that, I might as well steal her money again. And then it was just a thought, you know, because my instincts were then threatened. You might think less of me. You know, I mean, all my stuff filled my head. And then I went to the, look at what I've done. So I think it's a stepbook that talks about we go back and we redouble our efforts to making this list. And I really, this is how I do it. It doesn't really say this. Oh, I might say this somewhere because I'm not that creative to think of anything and I'm certainly not that smart. It actually tells me just kind of go through my life year by year and think of every person I've come in contact with and if I've done anything. You know, I've, I don't know, I've gone stuff like, see the obvious is the obvious. You know all the people in my life I know there's harms and it's, they're all over there but there's stuff like the way I drove as a maniac especially if you were in my way getting to Washington Heights to get my drugs. I was an absolute menace to society on the road. You know, that's not an individual person. That's every person who's ever driven on road A. You know I've I'm an alcoholic I'm also a drug addict to me it's all one thing. I've sniffed lines of cocaine on the highway with little children looking at me. I remember it crystal clear. I'm just looking right back at them doing it. What did I do? do. It never even, I thought, because you see the whole world's about me and this is what I need to be doing right now. And I don't care if you're affected. So when they tell me to redouble my efforts and, and I look at a woman when I'm two years sober who isn't smart, her first reaction isn't there's my sober daughter. Her first reaction is where's my pocketbook? Cause she's She's still afraid, even though I hadn't taken any money from her in two years. I've got some more soul searching to do. So I've done physical, mental, emotional, spiritual damage, and I've stole people's peace of mind. See, andI think we just deal with the obvious. Oh, I lied, I stole, I cheated. You know, we fix those. There's so much more. There's there's so many things that we can do. There's show much more I've deprived people of so many things. And I'm not that powerful. But when you're a loose cannon running around the way I was, these people can't help. They love you. They care about you. Or how about they're just strangers and they're in your path? I was once again driving to Manhattan. I was of course in a rush. And holding my money out to the toll taker. And he's like, where where is it? And I'm like, waving my money. I'm, like, where's what? Like all nasty and uptight. And he looks at me and says, your smile. That never... This has got to be... How long am I still over six? I've been here 11... It's got to быть 17 years ago. He's never left me. That man helped me have what I think was a spiritual experience at that moment. This man must see thousands of people in cars every day. And I am such an absolute tornado that he can just sense my karma going through. Smile, I didn't know what that was for years. All I know is get the hell out of my way and I need to go, go, go, you know, and I'm going to go. I need more stuff in me before I come down. I need a drink, drug, and be out of me immediately so please don't talk to me. And this man took time out of his day to really give me a heads up, a smile. I drank harder that night. I mean, I absolutely drank harder that night. The truth, some of the... You might think that's a little thing, a smile. This is how I affected people. I think one of the greatest things I can do today, not great, you know, whatever, in AA, is when a new person comes in and offer them a hello with their name, remember their name and give them a smile, smile has tremendous power. I didn't even know that. See, I walk around with these attitudes that I'm so unaware of And I affect people. We just do. So let me get into step eight, some of the blocks for step eight. What happens is there's people that really harmed me. Real fancy to imagine whatever. There's some real harms. So I might have harmed you also. But I use the harm you did to me to minimize mine or to help me to not, you know, completely own my part. And I don't want to. You know, my emotions put me on the defensive because I'm afraid of my emotional nature. You know? That's one of the spiritual blocks. And when people harm me, I've learned that especially when I'm unwilling to make an amends and he tells me to pray, what I'm really asking for is I need to ask for forgiveness. Now basically isn't amends going in asking for forgiveness anyway? Well, if I'm asking for forgiveness, shouldn't I be forgiving those that harmed me? I want to ask für something I'm not willing to give in return. turn. You know, and that forgiveness thing kind of got brought to me in fourth step on the top of, I think it's 67, where they call it, well, I've heard it called a lot of different things. The anger prayer when I'm writing. You know, when a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man. God saved me from being angry. So when I am writing and I am getting all angry, I was told to keep reverting back to that, because basically what I'm doing is saying they're sick just like me. Not that I'm better, you know, because I can tell you why definitely was that tornado who was the center of the universe and had problems with God, his universe, with life, my fellows and so forth. So I need to start forgiving those that really harmed me. It starts in the fourth step. But when I'm here making this list, I have to be at this place of forgiveness If I'm not, I do not have a sincere and honest desire to right my wrongs. And I can tell you that amends I've made that were not sincere and honest did not leave. The blockage did not live. I've already said I am that channel, and I feel that blockage. Every time I have made a sincere and honest amends, I picture, I feel a cinder block, a cinder block being removed I feel it I feel that channel for God getting bigger, freer you know I've also I've tried to make amends there were people on my list absolutely willing who wanted no part of me there's a man that left the state of New Jersey because of the harms I did to him it's not funny oh I told people that story for years like look how powerful I am I just got out of state I have tried so many times to contact this guy I did some horrible things to him. I can't even imagine how I made him feel as a man. And he will not speak to me. And I was so afraid to contact him, and he will not. I've been in, he moved to Maryland. I've Been to Maryland every time. I go to Maryland on business a lot. Every time I go, I want to still look him up. I still want to make this amends. but I've been freed because I'm willing and there's again tremendous power in willingness there are things, I can tell you that this amends to my sister's girlfriend that I'm unwilling to make in the three weeks that I went from I hate her, I'm never making amends to now I'm going to write a letter although my exact response was oh did you harm her by a letter? well no so that's not going to work I said but I think that's a nice effort on my part and I got laughed at like Chris is doing And I was told, no, you're going to keep praying. And I'm going to keep praying because I want to be free. I make these amends for me. Not for the other person. It says that somewhere in here. These amends are so I can get free. So I can complete that third step decision. I made this decision to continue with the rest of the steps so I could become unblocked. So I could do God's will. So i could turn my will and my life over to God. And I can't do that if I'm still walking around in fear, shame, guilt, and remorse from yesterday. I can'T. It's just impossible. So yesterday blocks me, and I need to be free of these things, you know? And now the reason I continue to tell you I am continuing to pray until I am willing to make a face-to-face amends to someone, I don't want to. And when I go, it will be sincere and honest. And I'll tell you why. Why? Because if I don't, I've had a strong enough first-step experience that I know eventually I will be drinking again. Now you might say, oh, that's just one little amends. How could that lead you back to a drink? It will. My experience has proven it. Now, if you don't believe me and you can do your own experience, you might have a longer threshold than a year and a half. You know, you can go by my experience or you can call on your own. Like I told you, although I'm sleeping at night and I haven't made this amends, it's festering. It is definitely blocking me out. See, I work for God today. God's conditions are that I keep close to him and perform his work well. Well, his work is cleaning up the damage I do. And you know, Peter, I love Peter. Peter says, how dare I stop drinking and think that's enough? How dare I? And I'm on that page. How dare i think not drinking is enough? You know, I can create just as much harm today as I did in my drinking. It just might be different. Actually, it's probably even deeper harms today because I am more awake. I can hurt you worse because usually when I'm hurting you today, it's because I'm fully aware my instincts are threatened. And I forget about God. I block God out instantly because fear comes back. So what I know is that if I'm filled with shame and remorse and guilt, it leads to resentment. Resentment is infinitely grave. It's futile. It robs the hours that might be worthwhile. It leads me back to a drink. Fear. Fear blocks out the sun. For me, I need the sunlight of the Spirit. I can't get there with fear. It becomes my God. I canít tell you how helpful it is for me to come sit up here tonight and walk through another fear. I was a girl who was afraid of picking up the phone to call the operator. A stranger who had no idea in the world who I was. I could not pick up the telephone to call an operator. Do you think I can sit up in front of a room and tell a group of people the truth about me and not be afraid? But I'm not. I started out afraid, but it was a healthy fear today because I have a God that goes everywhere with me. I have God that works in and through me. And he works in and through me because I want him. When I want Him enough, He comes. You know, I did enough to just have God take this alcohol thing. I found out my problem is not alcohol. My problem is my selfish self-centeredness and my mind. I can't live in yesterday. I have to get free. I need to become willing. If I'm not, I pray. One of the promises in the step book, And it's funny because I am like a big book thumper. And I'm not really that into the stepbook, but everyone... And I don't even really know what a lot of it means, and I'll tell you that's probably why I'm nicht that into it. I try, but I don' t understand what a lof of it meens. And there is a sentence in Step 8 in there that says, this is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God. That's promise. Again, I had problems with God's universe, with life, with my fellows. One through three gets me with God. Four through seven gets me right with myself. And eight gets me, and nine get me right with my fellows. Ten, eleven, and twelve keep me living in this and helping me living right and moving more towards God. I guess all I really have to say at this point is all means all. And that's the school I'm from. And I found out what happens when all doesn't mean all. You know, and like I said, it's been, my sponsor has been teaching me how to develop thicker skin when it comes to sponsees. Because I find it absolutely heartbreaking that we make this deal to do this. We make this steal to make this cake, and we just don't make it. We just do enough. And let me tell you, I guess why I get so taken back by it is because I see myself in them. I see the quitter. I see the person who settles for just enough. And, you know, my spirit's been awakened. And not drinking is so little to settle for. The whole world's at my feet today. I went on a cruise by myself. I still need to keep tension. I went to Brazil last year by myself, and those are material things, and that's good. But I can live in my skin today. You know, I don't walk around with a knot in my stomach saying, oh, God, they're here, Or, oh, crap, I owe. Or, whatever, I owes them money. See, that's what happens when all doesn't mean all, is I'm consumed by those fears and they start to own me. How am I supposed to be of maximum service to God and my fellows if I'm afraid to go near you because you might know I didn't repay that money? Or because I don't walk the walk, I just talk the talk. I can't work for God and not make my amends. you know I have not been moving people into step 10 when they're not done with amends just not because they're nicht free they're niet free to take an accurate self-appraisal they're just nicht free I'm not free forget about that I'm nicht free right now because I've told you the truth and now I'm accountable to this room to make that amends and that's the power of telling the truth there's someone I dislike immensely that I don't want to make an amends to to and I'm going to do it anyway. Just not today. But I'm getting there because if I went today, I'd be doing it out of ego. I wouldn't be doing it because I have a sincere and honest desire, because I want to be free and because I want to get closer to God and because they made a third step decision to ask to be unblocked. I think I'm done. Thanks. I am absolutely accountable to this group. Last week, I told you about amends I was absolutely unwilling to make. In this book, I believe it's referred to as the question of how to approach the man we hate will arise. Well, there we were, and I told You last week I absolutely hate this woman, and by making myself accountable here, there was no way my ego was letting me show up here with an unfinished amends this week. So in this case, my ego was helpful because it helped me clear away a blockage between me and God. I went from unwilling to willing to write a letter, which my sponsor left in my face over, to I'll make a phone call to a done amends. I did it exactly as the directions say in this book when it's someone you don't like. I might also add, this was not my first amends to this woman because she was on my resentment inventory and I've made amends before. But this was a particular harm, not an attitude of how I treat you harm. And it tells me what to do. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feelings and expressing our regret under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. We simply tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. I said, hi, as you know, I'm in a program of recovery. My recovery demands that I clean up any harms, particularly ones that block me from God. I do not want to return to drinking. And my behavior three weeks ago was very harmful to you. I'm sorry for anything it might have done to you, and I want to apologize. I was not acting sane, andI know my behavior hurt you. And I cleaned my side of the street. She did not react the way I thought. I thought I'd get, you know, the condescending whatever attitude I usually get from her. I got nothing. She didn't tell me anything. She went, yeah, okay. And you know what? My side's clean. You know, it's clean, and I'm going to go ahead and do that. I made the amends. I apologize for my behavior. I said how utterly wrong it was, and I absolutely gave my reason. and I do not want to return to drinking. I made a deal with God that all means all, and I will remove whatever blocks me from God. And so that was done. So I'm current. Financial amends real quickly. You don't show up for life for 27, 28 years. You've got a lot of financial wreckage. Have to start somewhere. Attitudes about it all. It got told to me, point blank, Allison, they don't want your money. They want their money. Oh, well, that kind of changes things, doesn't it? I can't walk around with that attitude anymore. I have two unfinished financial amends. And when I tell you the list was long, and I can also tell you that these two aren't that big. I just finished about a month ago. I have approached these people. One doctor in particular, I've paid off for two years consistently. I got the most beautiful letter in January from this woman who treated me, who also knows I'm a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous, who also know that I lied to her, that also knows that I wasted her time even though I was paying her for a long time, that knows who and what I am. And I got The Most Beautiful Letter for thank you for your consistency and for keeping your word. And this woman could have wrecked my credit more, or it could have turned me into collection, never did. I found out about this thousands of dollars, 100 here, 100 there. Instead of, you know, I'd like a new pair of shoes, you know, we owe that doctor some money. And that's where it went. And when I came into a little more money in the last year, she got 200 at a time. Instead of you know I could get ahead on my cable bill and we could buy some filet mignon instead of just chuck steak. So no, no, I have amends to make. And I had a ton. I have two more financial, and I'm still chugging along. And they will be done, I say three months max. It might be sooner. Weird thing is, yesterday, I got two things in the mail, one in my own mailbox and one in My Business P.O. box of over 10-year-old financial debts through collection agencies, both on the same day, $150 for a public defender in 1996. I'm like, I called. I said, I have absolutely no recollection of this. I've really never been in that much legal trouble. What is this? But if you can prove to me this is mine, I will absolutely pay it immediately. They're like, you want to set up a payment plan? No, no, no. I will take care of this today. And I had to write a letter so records could be. Both of them. I called immediately. My first thought is, oh, does this never end? But, you know, my second thought was, what do I got to do to set this right? Naturally. These are now becoming my natural instincts. Who would have thought? Again, I didn't come here to pay you anything. I didn' t come here or to find God. You know, I was told behaviors, amends are a lot about to stop doing the behaviors, to not defend anything I did in the harm. and when I'm making the amends, how would I want to be approached? There was a cop I did a great deal of harm to. A great deal for him. Many cops. Oh, I owed the entire Rockaway Township Police Station, including the chief of police who I decided to call at 6 a.m. and tell him what for, which was just the end of it, where I also got informed if I do that ever again, I will be in jail. And I thought I had absolutely every right, because I'm up at 6 a.m., drunk and high out of my mind, that you should be up too, and you need to deal with me at 6 p.m. And this one cup in particular, I just don't have the time to go into the list. But needless to say, I showed up at his front door to ask him why he mailed me. His front door, where his wife answered and his two twin sons were? I mean, we're talking not just harm to this man, Let alone the fact that I lied to him when he pulled me over, that I then had a friend of mine who was a cop run, and he found out I lied through a series of events and was coming after me full barrel because he was so kind to me. I got caught driving without a license. I told him I was my sister. My son and my mother were in the car. I'm a real walking example of the big book. I'm telling him I'm my sister and that that's my nephew. Yeah, I'm sober. This is without a drink. because I don't want to get in trouble because I'm driving without a license because again, I don' t know that rules actually apply to me they apply for you but I'm different and I'm thinking it's okay and I' m thinking this is so cool that I just got away with all this and because my sister is such a oh, I didn' t ask my sister her permission is that harmful? because I could have just gotten a ticket on her license so I' M not asking my sister's permission and becausemy sister has no points and is seven years older than me, he lets me go because I've lived this clean life for a long time. I humiliated this man, lied to him, and this was just one instance with this guy. And then when it – and I have a sergeant friend running interference that grew up with me who just is like, Allison, does the drama ever stop with you? And he asked this guy for a personal favor, and he lets it go. But I have to go apologize to the man to his face, which I do because I'm getting away with it. Sure, I'll apologize. And he tells me, if I ever have the opportunity to nail you again, you're done. Allison relapses. Allison hits someone in a blackout, takes off. What are the odds that in the town I live in with 40-something cops, the cop that gets called to this hit and run is him? If there's a God in your life, it's my odds. And they describe the car. He goes right to my garage. I mean, do you know how many people live in Rockaway Township? How this person even knew it was like someone who lived there? It could have been just, it was on the highway. This itchiest all comes back to me. I get seven tickets in the mail. I go to this guy's house. What are you doing? I'm yelling at him, his wife. I mean, needless to say, I go and make amends to this guy some years later. The list was long. I called him first, asked him for a few minutes of his time. Allison, what's going on? I said, you'll understand. I need to speak with you. It's no trouble, and I really just need to speak to you. It's important. He calls me. He gives me an appointment, and I go down with my index card. And we sit, and I make a full, absolute full amends. And he keeps stopping me, and I kept asking him not to, to let me finish. And he would get an opportunity to say anything he knew to that this is so unnecessary. He knows the person I am today. He sees me. He has since become the juvenile officer. He's been in constant contact with my son the last several years. He knows that my son has a mother today that shows up for him. He's seen me at sporting events and school functions and knows that I am walking a much different path today. Turns out, as this juvenile officer, he's in touch with a lot of young people who need this program. He's involved in taking young people to detox and rehab and heroin and alcohol. And I let him know that at any time that anybody he's helping or is involved with, that I'm absolutely available. And if it's a man or a young man, did I know enough men that would gladly step up to the plate? And we start talking about some solutions for other people's problems. Talk about a knot in your stomach. Talk about cinder blocks. Talk about every time you see a cop car. Talk about because I'm still walking around with baggage. I'm afraid. I'm frightened. I waved to cops today. Hey, how are you doing? Good to see you. Hated cops. Oh, they were all. And the amends I owed was, like, unbelievable. My son. This one list is long. Resentments were even longer. My resentments at him. I was very angry that I had this kid. I was really angry that he was my son. that I couldn't go live my life. Basically to sum it up, I was neglectful and selfish. selfish, and I put all my needs before his, particularly when I first got sober. I'll show up for the fun. I'll go out to dinner. You go buy the sneakers. You go by the underwear. You've got money. You take care of them. What I do today, my son is my biggest loving amends, is I let my son, I validate his feelings. I ask him what it is I need to do to make things easier for him to speak to me, to let me know what's going on in his life. And it is definitely the hardest test because this kid tests me. He's going to leave now? You know, I've got to tell you, he'll also be the first one to tell me that he doesn't remember when Mom wasn't there. He's had a mother that has shown up for him for a good number of years now. and we're all the better for it. But that, you know, I talk about this resentment list, the majority of it really turned out to be resentments at myself even though they were all listed under his name. It was all resentment at myself. I want to talk about character assassination because that was big for me. Gossip and character assassination. fascination. I'm going to mention a little one, which is not usually how I did it. As a sober woman several years ago, I was sponsoring another woman who I also knew her mother. Her mother calls me one day, ends up meeting another one of us, tells me the girl's my age, lives in this area, sober almost same number of years. Do I know her? What's her name? She tells me her name. I say, yeah, I know. She says, I would think you two would would be closer, very similar. And I said, now she's just an acquaintance because, and I said one negative statement about her that I didn't think was negative. I just said why I'm not close with her. This woman who knew the other fellow member of Alcoholics Anonymous she met told her. And I go on retreat, and this woman's there, and she's distant to me, and I want to tell you that I respect this woman tremendously, that she is a great service to other women in AA. And I'm telling you, in this instance, it was one sentence. In all others, it's not. My character assassination was never one sentence, but I sensed something and I don't know what it is and through the sponsorship network, she's in some of the same networks, I find out that this woman knows this and I'm just, I feel awful. I was told point blank, I come to call the woman I made the statement to first and tell her that my insecurities, my jealousy, my this, my that, my crap is the reason I said that and I had no business saying that and putting that out in the universe and harming someone else that way. And then when I correct it, that I was told that any time I've committed character assassination and gossip, particularly things that I don't know to be truth, because it's just fun to talk about other people because it makes me feel better about me, that I am to go to all the people first, and that's correcting the harm. Then I go to the person I did it to, and then I went to that person, and I was able to say, I've corrected the harms I've done you. Now, I got an amends made to me last night that was exactly that. Seven years' worth that I've continually turned the other cheek, that I have taken the higher road, that if this person is on the right side of the street, I will cross to the left. This person then comes over and joins my home group, which I moved to to get away from her and her cronies and the garbage that was constantly. And I welcomed her at my home Group and said she must be in pain that she's seeking somewhere new. And all the women around me said, oh, my God, she's here. And I said, she must need us for something. Now this woman comes to me last night. Do I have five minutes? This woman has continued. She came to me two or three years ago and then continued all the same behavior. Burn me once, you know, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. I don't care what you've got to say. I'm still standing over here because, you know, I can be forgiving. Now, here's the thing is I have to be forgiving because if I don' forgive this woman, even if she continues to harm me, I'm blocked from God and I don''t want that and she is not worth any piece of me being blocked from God. She's just not that important. Neither are the people you, my son or my parents, more important people in my life worth being blocked. But she comes at me with the same kind of my judgment and sincere amends of please forgive my transgressions. I'm like, what is this? And I know she's going through this work again, and I basically tell her, you know, that I wish her well on her path. I couldn't sleep last night. It was over this. I'm thinking, you know, she took me by surprise and I didn't say much last night. But I knew this needed to be looked at and I knew more needed to be said between her and I. And I took it to two people today. I got guidance and I called her. And I asked her, I told her that I didn' t feel her attempt was sincere. But that I don' t know that it wasn' t. That' s just what I felt. And I was in no way putting her down. And she said, well, let me tell you, the reason you felt that is because you intimidate me. And I' m fearful around you. and so that's what you were getting instead of sincerity. I said, well, I don't want you to feel that way around me. I don' t feel I've done anything for you to feel that away around me and I asked her if she sincerely wanted to right this wrong and she said yes and I told her what I was taught when you character assassinate and poison and try and turn people against each other and she told me, well that can be what you're taught but I made my amends to you and I don''t feel I need to do that. I said then this isn't a finish demands as far as I'm concerned and I appreciate your efforts but this isn't done here. And I said, I suggest I'm going to request that you take what I've asked you to do to your sponsor because I know her sponsor. I said I would find it earth-shattering if she didn't agree that this was the amends because it was this woman's mother that taught me how to make this amends in particular. And she said that she's not saying she won't do that, but it's none of my business if she does it or not. And it's between me and her. And I said, no, this isn't between me and you when you involve all these other people. And we got nowhere. But I told her that she is absolutely forgiven because I will not have the resentments with her. She's been on every fourth step I've ever written in AA. And I asked her again, is there something I am doing to you that I keep getting this back? No, Allison, it's my stuff. you know but I absolutely forgive her and I still believe that when you character assassinate and gossip about someone you need to go to all the other people I think I'm like out of time I have this, I have like all these great immense stories, I just have to tell a funny one, I don't want to end on a funny one which isn't really funny when I was drunk I do these shows and I was in Philadelphia at this big convention center and in this same building was the northeast regional Convention of Little People. Needless to say, there were 500 little people, because I'm going to be politically correct on tape, because that is not what I was calling them, okay, running around. So every place I went were three steps, like front desk, bar, most important, bar, four bars in this joint, sports bar, jazz club, nightclub, three steps. I can't get, there's three steps? I can'T even get in the bathroom. There's three three steps for them. What about me? Because I'm the center of the universe, and these steps are in my way, and all these people, or little people, are in my way. Well, you spend on a business trip that you show up for no business drunk and high around the clock. These people start to get on your nerves because they are definitely in collision with what you want, your instincts. I am in the sports bar on Saturday night and I start playing duck, cuck, goose. I am not making fun of them or creating a harm right now. There's a point to why I'm laughing. I mean, I'm laughin' because it's funny. And I'm slamming them on the head. And you know, and I'll get to that, duck, jock, goose, you're it, running through the bar. And go back upstairs to my room when the bar closes and my mother comes in my room in the morning And it says, there's a lynch mob looking for you. Do not come out. This is absolutely true. Do not go out of this room tomorrow. And I already thought, I think my mother thought if we bring her, she'll work, even though I hadn't worked in years. All I did was create havoc. I mean, at the front desk. Do you know who I am? Why isn't my room ready? I mean. My mother put me in a van with the workers. I made them stop in Washington Heights. They filled up a container with a bottle of vodka. I fell out of the van two hours later in Philadelphia. I mean fell. and then went to create, it was just an absolute nightmare. Again, no recollection of this until I'm at the convention, the Area 44 Convention, and there's a guy from the Highland Park group who's a little person. And I see him, and it was like whoosh, like I was right back there. And I'm like, oh my God, and I remember what I did. I immediately go to my sponsor, and she's like, you need to make amends. And I'm like, no kidding. But I'm laughing. She's laughing. I'm laughin'. I'm, like, I'm laughin'. I still find this amusing. She says, Alison, we did funny things when we drank. She made me go to that guy. I found him in Highland Park and said he's probably suffered abuse like this his whole life. You go to him and you ask him what the right way to make amends is. I had to go to this man and not laugh. Although he sounded amusing also. and ask him how to set this matter straight. And he told me to write a letter to the Northeast Regional Convention of Little People, and I did. You know, and I love that little dude in Highland Park today. Like, I've called him. He's come on commitments. He's gone to our group. Oh, but I've got to tell you, the harms I did... Can you imagine having something that makes you feel separate and different from people? And I certainly have my own what I think are weaknesses and liabilities and things that I wish were different. And to have someone just slam it in your face, my behavior was appalling. And that was the absolute best I could do that day. That's where alcohol takes me. Do unfinished amends have anything to do with whether I drank again or not? Yes. I know I went over. I could really just – I have a lot of amends. And I really thought the one with my dad was important because it just spiraled. And I want to tell you that God is mentioned regularly in my home and my parents' today. You know, what a gift. Who would have thought? You know my dad's actually called me. All I ever wanted was for him to like me and be proud. He's actually pulled me out of nowhere. Not because I was seeking that. I said, you know we're proud of you. And I thought, oh my God. When you stop looking it comes. you know anyway thank you again for having me here