Step 9 and Step 10 – Big Book Workshop Jan – Part 1 of 6 – Scott L and Matt C

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Would you like to have that? Got some of this on 52? like to have some of this on 83 and 84 then do what lies between don't learn it don't believe it don't interpret it don't try to understand it but do it and that's not all of the program but that's how I personally went from living on page 52 to living on pages 83 and 94 it was necessary for me however to get a coach and we're at the end of football season I'll tell you something I've noticed I don't think that there is a head coach in the NFL that didn't at some time play the game. All of the great coaches that I've ever heard of in every activity were at one time in their careers on the field as a player. I needed a player coach. I needed someone who had actually done this to coach me through it. Absolutely necessary to have someone, because I needed somebody that had heart knowledge. Head knowledge wasn't going to be enough. and heart knowledge is experiential. That's what I had to have. Let's a couple of observations on those promises. The first one is that my favorite of the ninth step promises, the first one will be amazed before we're halfway through. I was amazed before I was halfway through. It says a new freedom. The old freedom was three shots of Cuervo Gold. I have to have a new freedom. It has a different kind but I'm going to have to Have One. And I just spotted this a while back. I think they may have changed the word order here just a little bit. On page 84, it says we will suddenly realize that God's doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. I thought it said God will suddenly begin to do for us. That's not what it says. It says my realization that he's been doing for me will be sudden. He's beendoing it for a long time, but I'm not a real keen observer. um and then uh skipping a paragraph on page 84 it says this thought brings us to step 10 we know we talked earlier about how bill tried not to use the same word over and over again here we find the word continue four times in one paragraph we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along and and for me as we go along is kind of the critical piece on step 10 it's just my own perception for me the difference between step 10 and the evening portion of step 11 step 10 is about as we goes along it's about being present in my own life moment by moment the evening version of step eleven is a rather formal inventory at the end of the day short form on step ten continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong probably admitted it oh wait i'm sorry uh yeah i've improved on it promptly admitted it well if i wait till 11 o'clock at night to realize i messed up at 7 15 in the morning it kind of takes promptly out of the equation so that's that's just kind of what it is for me so i gotta set them right as i go along. Nobody likes to eat crow, but it's better warm. It says we vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We've entered the world of the spirit. Wonder where you enter the world? The spirit finish your ninth step. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I haven't found it. It may be there, but I haven'T found a place prior to page 84 that has asked me to understand anything and i don't think i can until i get this poison dug out of my soul and begin to find out who i really am i can't my understander is blocked with all of this poison so having cleaned all that stuff out now i have the function of under of of growing and understanding and effectiveness and it says they should continue for our lifetime there's continue again says continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear there's that list again. That's the one that we saw on page 67. Is that where that was? Let's play with that just a little bit. Just above the center of the page, where had we been selfish dishonest self-seeking and frightened? Same list. Let's go to 86 first full paragraph second line page 86. Where were we resentful selfish dishonest or afraid and that's starting to sound familiar page 88 a slightly different list but very very similar second line we are then in much less danger of excitement fear anger worry self-pity or foolish decisions not the same but very similar page 145 we have enemies by the way page 14 5 paragraph begins in the middle of the page the greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment jealousy envy frustration and fear again slightly different but that that list is all over the book so going back to page 84 which is what we were doing on step 10 continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear well selfishness is i want my way and if it hurts you that's too bad but i don't care dishonesty i'll lie to get it resentment as i didn't get my will in the past and fears are concerned i won't get my will in the future what these things are are the earmarks of the re-emergence of self is that as i do this humbling experience this humpling process from the beginning of the third step prayer to the end of step nine the self really gets squashed down pretty good so what i'm watching for is the re-emergence of self because that's what this is the earmark so now that's an editorial on my part that's What Looks Like To Me and says if these crop up no it doesn't it says when when these crop this is not an if question this is a when question when these prop up if you're new to recovery and you're worried about what you're going to do if somebody offers you a drink it's the wrong question worry about what you're gonna do when somebody offers your drink there's not an IF question and I practiced with somebody else when I was in treatment and every once in a while we'd sneak up on each other say would you like a drink and then we'd respond and it became good and the one that the response I always used was no thanks I've had enough because that's the truth. I've Had Enough and I've been in I've been in social and business situations where where it was not illogical for them at the nice restaurant to say would you care to wait in the bar and we go up and three people order something I order an orange juice and they say wouldn't you rather have a drink say no thanks i've had enough and the people that know me just dissolve in laughter and everybody wants to know why that's so funny, and I've got to tell them. You get some 12-step work like that. And when these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we've harmed someone, and then we sit and beat ourselves up because we weren't perfect. Oops, excuse me. But that's the old behavior, isn't it? To just pound on me every time I make a mistake. And that's not the package. What do I do? I go back to the same old prescription, resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help. That's what I do when I've got a problem is I go try to figure out a way to help you. It's a marvelous thing, this sponsorship. I used to sponsor a fellow named Buff in Nashville, and he had terminal cancer, and he went home to die, and there wasn't any question about that. That was it. And he sponsored some wonderful guys in Nashville. Chainsaw Mike was one of them. And Chainsaw came to me. That's a great story, by the way. They've got him. I don't know if they brought it. Get one of Chainslaw Mike's. If you're having trouble learning to cry, get Chainssaw Mike. Oh, a great nine-step story. And anyway, Chainsawl came to him and he said, you know, what do I do with Buff? And I said, take him your hangnails. He needs them. This is, again, an analogy I've taken from Bob, that he's awash in sea of self. He's dying and he knows it. And when you take him your hangnail, it puts an island of other focus in his day. It puts an Island of sanity in this day, an Islandof peace in this state where he can get out of himself and be focused on helping you saying you're thinking, Oh gee, he's got this big deal going on. He doesn't need me wrong. That's exactly perfectly wrong. That is the time he needs you the most. He needs your hang nails continuing on page 84 love and tolerance of others is our code that's kind of interesting tolerance when my uh when my beloved home group was just forming and we didn't know that we started a non-smoking group in the non- smoking meeting in the back room of a smoking clubhouse and those were the days when you could smoke in the church basements and hospital waiting rooms a few young people trust me it was really that way and uh and some of us and i was still smoking at the time but i couldn't stand it you know by half past you couldn't see the clock through my eyes or and uh so we were you smoking and so we started this non-smoking and what they do is it opened in the front room and then the chairperson say if those who like to have a non-snoking meeting can go in the back and there was this there's guy named edward and he would just most of the time he'd say i'll chair and i thought i'm gonna strangle him it's going to be good for the fellowship I know it is it's this is service you know you know I'm from down south and and there still is a legal defense of he deserved killing you know he needed killing it's still a defense and um and I'm telling you this guy's making me crazy and yet I keep hearing people saying if you spot it you got it so finally one time when He really tore my knickers. I searched myself, and you know what? The thing he did that made me so mad? I did it too. Wow. So I quit doing it. And the next time he did something that bugged me, I checked myself, and I had that one too. And Edward became one of the greatest teachers that I ever had. He had all my character defects. He had them considerably worse than I had. That's not what he said. yeah well and uh i don't know i have no idea how he felt about me but i learned so much from him in that time that you spot it you got it thing if i'm having to tolerate somebody i might want to take a hard look maybe what i'm happy to tolerate in them is something i'm doing myself and then the other side of that coin i don'T think we talk about the other side of that coin often enough. You've spotted growth in someone, see somebody doing some great stuff, congratulations. You spot it, maybe you got it. Maybe you're growing. Maybe you're doing some good stuff. I love that. Bottom of 84, and we've ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol, for by this time sanity will have returned. Okay, you want to know where Your sanity comes back right here. Finish step 9, beginning to practice step 10. Page 103. Italics, bottom of the page. After all our problems were our own making. Bottles were only assembled. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to. That's so important they've told me twice. I've got to get out of the fight. Got to get Out of the Fight. continuing on 84 we will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame if you have my history with booze that would be a sane reaction we react sanely and normally and we find this has happened automatically we see that excuse me we'll see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part it just comes that made no sense to me whatsoever when i started of reading that because if you've done everything we've talked about so far and we just kind of hit the high spots, you will admit a tremendous amount of effort. The point here is it has not been focused on my attitude towards booze, right? The solution is not in the problem. If the solution were in the program, we would have found it by ourselves. The solution's in the solution. And so I'm not focused on attitude toward booze at all anywhere through these steps. but that attitude change comes as a result of being involved in the solution that's the miracle of it we're not fighting it neither are we avoiding temptation we feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected we've not even sworn off i have not quit drinking since i got here i haven't had a drink either i quit several thousand times before i got hier and couldn't stay quit i haven t quit since i get here it's a funny thing we've not even sworn off instead the problem has been removed it does not exist for us we're neither cocky nor afraid it's our experience oh here comes the hook that is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition oh there we go again it is and here we go it is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and arresting our laurels well if it's easy to lit up it must be hard to continue to bear down i think if there's anything i need to hear been around pretty good while is that it's easy to let up and i better not be letting up because i've still got so much wagered here i've got it all bet on this literally it's a wager i have bet my life my freedom my sanity and all the things in my life that i love that what's in this book will work for me that's quite a bet it's easier to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels the reference i think to rest on our laurels in an ancient greece when an athlete would win an event he wins the discus or the hundred meter dash they would weave laurel was a vine and they would weave a wreath and he would wear it as a symbol of his victory and so the reference here is that well i used to take meetings into the jail so i'm okay i usedto take meetings into detox so i am ok and it's not true but it also says rest on our laurel guess what the laurels were worn on the head If I'm resting on my laurels, guess where my head is? That's exactly right. It says we are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We're not cured of alcoholism. That's why they call them treatment centers. The first time they cure one of us in there, they'll all be cure centers. First time. I'm not against them. That's just an observation. I mean, say what you want to. They're holding them still. Let's go get them. what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition a reprieves a stay of execution i talked about maintenance before the maintenance of our spirit condition well i spotted that sentence when i had about six months i was i was starting to speak in full sentences and um and i was beginning to understand a full sentence at a time instead of just pieces and words and i thought aha i know what i'm going to do i'm gonna find out what that spiritual condition is i am going to achieve it and then I'm going to be able to do what I've always wanted to do, which is to take the rest of my life off with pay. And I searched for somewhere between six months and a year trying to find out what that spiritual condition was, and I eventually found it. It's the next sentence. I was moving a little bit too fast. And it says, every day is the day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities every day. I don't get any days off. I must carry the vision that's the best i can see of god's will what would he have me do into all of my activities i can't find any holes on that i also can't found an end to it it's my daily assignment and then here's the second of two prayers in the tenth step how can i best serve thee thy will not mine be done the uh the previous prayer was on the on the facing page a little bit further down where it said we ask god it wants to remove them when we're talking about the selfishness dishonesty, resentment, and fear when they crop up. So I find two 10-step prayers. I'm not saying there aren't more. That's just what I found. He says, these are thoughts so that must, I'm back on 85, so it must be a silent prayer. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line. All we wish it is the proper use of the will. Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, direction from him who has all knowledge and power. If we've carefully followed directions, we've begun to sense the flow of his Spirit unto us, boy is there a more powerful promise than that one. To have done all of those things and literally to begin to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we've become God conscious. We've begun to develop this vital sixth sense. I think one of the most important things that I have in place, and I'm pleased to tell you that I haven't placed right now, is that I can hear the newcomers. I hope I always have newcomer ears. I had 10 years when a guy I sponsor had six months and said this at this point. He said, vital, that means necessarily, vital sixth sense. He said I guess if I'm still using my other five senses to try to have my will come true, I might not develop this vital sixths sense. Yeah. I hope I can always hear the new people because they always have a message for me. You got some on 10 here? Let me turn it over to you for a couple. Just a little bit. The beginning of step 10, it talks about something that it refers to in our literature quite a bit. It says, we have entered the world of the spirit. What does that mean? I've observed something throughout my life that used to just really aggravate me. As I was growing up, there were kids in school and then later out in the work world, world there were people at work that I worked with and people I knew that for some reason everything they touched worked it just turned to gold they had tremendous relationships whatever career they tried it just soared they did very good at whatever they want if they went to school they just did great at school everything just clicked for them It was like they couldn't miss. And what aggravated me about these guys, and they become so successful and really aggravated to me is I'm smarter than they are. And everything I try turns to crap. And I get sober, and in the work world there's people like that. And what it is, I think, is they're not even conscious of it, but they're in the world of the spirit. they just naturally intuitively go with the flow they it's it's a value and bright spot in their life to help people they're always looking and trying to be helpful to others nope they don't have a sponsor breathing down their neck telling them to help People They Just Naturally Help People They Don't They Stop They Don'T Fight Anything Or Anybody They Go With The Flow and everything works for them. And then there's guys like me that are trying to control the flow because I'm just, through observation, Noah isn't going the right way and my life is crap. And I think that entering the world of the Spirit as we sink ourselves and become one with life itself rather than be one apart from. And when you're one with life, life works. When you're trying to control life, life is tough. There was a famous basketball deal event where there was a game years ago where Michael Jordan, it was right at the clock and they're tied up and he does about a half-court desperation shot right at The Clock and it swishes right in. They win the game. and the audience went went crazy they were in there people were screaming and he's just jogging down the court and he looks up and he goes like he don't know how he did it i mean nobody knows how he didn't and they ask him later how did you do that and he says well he says sometimes you just get in the zone and when you're in the Zone everything works and i think that's the realm of the spirit is when you're one with all of you is out of the way and you exist to go with the flow and help god's kids period and everything works when you're in the zone i think the zone that he was talking about in the realm of the same place i'll tell you something else i think this this will sound strange to some of you I think that there was a time in my early drinking when alcohol put me there. I don't think it was an illusion that in my very early days, in the magic days, I really could shoot pool better than I could shoot pole. I really couldn't dance sober. I could really be funny when I'm not really funny. I was brighter. Everything clicked. And why did everything click? Because in the early days of my drinking, alcohol relieved me of the bondage of self. And when I am free with me, I am one with. That's why the glory days of drinking, I felt so connected and a part of before it turned on me. And that is what we're trying to duplicate here. We're tryingto recreate a spiritual experience. Carl Jung in a letter to Bill Wilson he talks about the thirst and how the unrecognized thirst in our world if you're not protected by a spiritual ethic or a sense of community will always lead us down to perdition and then he says something interesting he says if it is the spiritual thirst then he said spiritus contra spiritum which means the thing that's bringing you back to spirits, to alcohol, can only be counteracted by enhancing and lighting up your spirit. It's only a spiritual way of life that will counteract the thirst, which is really a misplaced thirst for God and thirst for unity. And that's why it's so important that we quit fighting everything and everybody that we devote that we push ourselves aside and we devote our lives to a purpose that the we call primary which means first it's our number one purpose and it's to help other alcoholics something that we are divinely crafted to do and for most alcoholics the idea of helping others as being the primary purpose. Shouldn't I be first? I mean, I'll help other people after we work. Can't we work on me for a while? I remember saying that to my sponsor. He wanted me to start doing service and 12-star work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But shouldn't I work on me for a while he says you have done that quite enough stop it just so we enter the world of the spirit this I love these promises I wish they read the 10-step promises at meetings this is why we come to AA I don't come to a the nine-step promise sound great put them on a hallmark card for god's sakes new freedom new happiness you know not great oh that's wonderful wonderful i didn't come here for any of that i came here because i couldn't imagine life without alcohol i couldn'T imagine it and it says we we have not even sworn off that's it's grace we we don't quit drinking i i heard something when i was new i fell in love with it because i thought oh my god that's so it gave me hope this guy he was sharing he says he says i quit drinking over 50 times he says every time i quit drink and i got drunker than ever he says this quitting drinking was killing me i said yeah because i quit every time I quit drinking i get drunker never and we don't quit drinking here we don t even i love what scott said the problem the answer is not in the problem answer is in the answer when we take this spiritual approach we work on our spiritual condition and the rest is the rest that's all yeah we're going to take you're not going to believe this we're taking a 15 minute break whoa listen for the day let's take a few moments of silence amen thank you there was uh i had a really great uh conversation with uh with someone and one of the gentlemen uh was talking to me about profanity and i wanted to share an experience with that i was i was sober i guess about 10 years when i was asked to speak at my first conference and i was very very proud of that in a very sick way and um um and and i i had a customer he heard me refer to him earlier a very religious fella and uh and i told him but he was so when i got sober he didn't know i had problem but he was so excited and we would talk about spiritual stuff and he didnít try to sell me his religion he he was one of the ones that had religion and spirituality he had the combination not just one and I told him I asked to speak at a conference he was very excited he said do they record those and I said yes and he said boy I'd love to hear that and I says well I'll bring you a copy of it and I was in the car on the way to call on him with a copy when it occurred to me I had said something under that microphone that I didn't want Charlie to hear me say and I made up some kind of excuse and didn't give it to him and there wasn't one you know whatever and he says well are you speaking again and I say yeah I've been asked to speaking another one in a couple of months he says well bring me that one I said, I'll be happy to. And I was on the way over to call on him, and same problem. And I made something up. And Charlie died. And I never did get to give him one. And it finally occurred to me that I don't ever have any reason to say anything into an AA microphone that I didn't want my friend Charlie to hear. And it really changed me. And I'm not saying I don'T make mistakes. I make mistakes but when I make one I stop and apologize for it I've done my best to clean up my language I'm not batting a thousand I used to go down to the docks and repulse stevedores for practice I was very creative with my profanity I really was so it's been necessary for me because what I discovered in myself is that I can't hear your spiritual message through a barrage of sewage i can't seem to separate them and so i have to assume that you can't hear mine the same way and uh and so that changed my aa talks and it i'm not a quick study i don't pick it up quickly and about a year or so later it occurred to me that i don t ever have any reason to say anything in an aa meeting that i wouldn't want my friend charlie to hear because i don know who brought their preacher to hear it. I was in a meeting and an 18-year-old girl, a freshman in college, was getting her one-year chip and she brought her parents and her younger brother to see that. And I'm so sad for some of what they heard in that AA meeting. And I wonder what they think of her spiritual program now after hearing that. And I am not telling you what to do. I am telling you how it is for me. And then, of I'm not a quick study and a year or so later occurred to me that I don't ever anywhere have any reason to say anything that I don't want my friend Charlie to hear because you see I might be the only big book somebody's ever listened to and I'm not doing it perfectly but I can I can report improvement and we were talking the realization that something about me needs work never feels good I mean the fact is that whatever this was needed to work yesterday I just didn't see it yesterday. But now I see it. And so the first step toward repairing this kind of damage is the realization that it needs to be repaired. It doesn't feel good. And yet, I think that's one of the ways I get my assignments from God. The simple truth is that the day before I got to recovery, there was nothing wrong with me. Thank you very much. And if you turkeys would just all shape up, the place would be just fine. Andso the fact that I continue to find things about me that needs work is the clearest indication that I'm on the path because i'm continuing to get assignments i'm continue to get opportunities to change and grow and it's an indication i'm on the path the other story i want to tell this is about matt's first sponsor and get a chance to talk to him you get a change from my home group and his first sponsor was a guy i sponsored uh still sponsored as we call him hippie james and boy you're really blessed today if you get a nickname you like i'll tell you that and uh hippie James is a is a hippie that was born three generations too late, and we say that in front of him, because it's the truth. And anyway, the hipster claims that there's a group that makes music, and their name is Fish, but they spell it funny, and I'm 65 years old, and want to just take his word for it. You don't have to prove that to me. And they were going to have their last concert, he said. I told him it was their first last concert. I've been watching this, and it was going to be in Vermont, and he couldn't get anybody to go with him, but he absolutely had to be there, so he got in the hippie mobile, and he drove 32 hours from Nashville, Tennessee to Buzzard Breath, Vermont or wherever it was, and I don't know, some little town, and, and we were there, and I said, and he got there to discover that the automobile line into the campground was another 10 hours, and he's going to sleep behind the wheel, which is not a serious problem in a parked vehicle. The problem is that people are passing him. And so he got out of the hippie mobile and he popped the trunk and he pulled out the Coleman stove and set it right on the trunk of the hippie mobile. If you saw it, you wouldn't have thought anything about it either. And he started making soup and coffee and drinking them himself and sharing them with the people in the vehicles around him and sort of chatting with everybody because he said he realized that if he were going to stay physically awake it was going to be necessary for him to stay physically active and then he said if i'm going to stay spiritually awake i'm gonna have to stay spiritually active page 156 here's bill and bob bill wilson sober six or seven months Bob, a couple of weeks to maybe four, I don't know, something like that. Paragraph begins in middle 156, but life was not easy for the two friends. Plenty of difficulties presented themselves. And here it is, both saw that they must keep spiritually active. One day they called up the head nurse of a local hospital. They explained their need. Did you understand that? Their need. I must remain spiritually active if I'm going to stay spiritually awake. I'm going to talk a little bit about step 11 kind of get started on it we'll finish it tomorrow morning bottom of page 85 step 11 suggests prayer and meditation we shouldn't be shy in this matter better men than we are using it constantly that's pretty often constantly by the way it works if we have the proper attitude and work at it It would be easy to be vague about this matter, yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions. And I told you earlier, Jerry told me that prayer was not a chance for me to change God's mind. It was a chance für Gott to change my mind. And by the way, for those of you who are hiding behind the idea that the steps are only suggested, we have good news and bad news. The good news is you are correct. They are only suggestive. The bad news? They're the only suggestions we got. There's a great line, and I'm not about to try to cover all of this. I'm going to cover part and leave part for Bob here, but the second full paragraph on 86 begins with a two-word phrase, On Awakening. Let's observe what it does not say. It does not stay after a shower and shave, a half a pot of coffee, two over easy, and bacon reading the front page and fighting with her. it says on awakening and uh one of my mentors says the reason it says on awakening is because scott is capable of making life devastating decisions between the bed and the bathroom right i wake up every morning with untreated alcoholism uh one one of mine very close friend of mine says his disease gets up 30 minutes before he does every morning does some jumping jacks and push-ups some crunches and then it perches up on the headboard and it waits and he opens his eyes and it jumps on him so i gotta take my medicine right now and uh that's that's why i bought this watch i think i told you earlier it was set this morning they were set 15 minutes apart and the second one's a get-up time and the first one when miss linda and i were together which is usually we cuddle we do our morning prayers in each other's arms, and it's a great way to start your day. Now I'll grant that there are mornings when the second alarm awakens one or both of us. I give you that. The step does not say achieved through prayer and meditation. It says sought. And on those mornings where one or two of us goes back to sleep, we saw it. I'll tell you the greatest accompaniment there is to my morning prayers is Ms. Linda Snores. I cannot tell you what a spectacular way that is to start the day. and by the way we don't fight much you know we we invited god into this relationship and we continue to do it we had a ceremony and we offered god we have we have something we call a meditation room on the second floor of our house it's heard a lot of fifth steps and uh we had an up there and we offer god everything we had the the house the uh the lot that the house sits on the vehicles that everything piece at a time we had ceremony we meant that and uh We try to stay pretty current with it. I hear people saying that it's important for me to be comfortable. I don't think so. What's important is that I don'T borrow discomfort from any other days. I was talking about before, borrowing pain from the past or from the future. I only get a certain amount of spiritual energy on any given day. And if I squander it on things over which I have no power, I won't have enough left for today's assignment. Today must be really important. I mean, look how many of God's kid he gave today to. So it must be I'll need my spiritual energy for this given day. And I think it's so important. In the short form of the step, hang on, I'm going to go to it. On 59, it says, Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. To improve. That's an implied promise. and what it does is it promises that having done the first ten steps that I will have a conscious contact to improve it's a pretty interesting promise in that I think and I think I got into a discussion with somebody the other day just playfully you know what are the most important words single words in the steps and we came up with three that we think really shine for us one of them is the first word in the first step we I gotta get out of the eye busy You've heard the alcoholic opera, haven't you? Me, me, me. I got to get out of the I, me business and into the we business. I think one of the other ones is the word only. Praying only for knowledge of his will. I have to get Out of the Business of Trying to Train God. But to ask him to train me. And the other one is the Word The in the 12th Step. Having had a spiritual awakening is the result. Not A. A is one of several. The is singular. That's the result that I need. I want to tell a story about, I think I'm going to leave the meditation stuff for tomorrow because I wantto hear what Bob has to say about that. But no, I mean he's got some beautiful stuff. Part of my morning prayer fellow that I sponsored came into my home group about ten years ago and he said he'd just come back from his grandfather's funeral. And he was really struck by something there and when it was over he approached his grandmother And he said, I think you were a fabulous wife to my grandfather. And she said, I should have been. I prayed to be that every day. Yeah. And that's what I said. And I didn't tell anybody. And I added to my morning prayers, and I do not think I've missed a day since then. And I asked God to help me treasure Linda today. Treasure is kind of an interesting word. We know it typically you hear the word as a noun. But we know it as a verb to treasure. But you don't hear it that often I'm making a point That's how I pray Help me treasure Linda today Within two weeks Of my beginning on that prayer That no one knew I was doing I came out of the living room And around through the kitchen As I started into the den I heard her saying to the phone Scott treasures me And I think That the lesson in that for me is That when I ask God For what he wants me to have I get a lot of help it's about me getting to the right question see all the blocks in the channel between me and god are at my end right his ends clear you know it's it's at my hand and um i want to um i want to share one from uh this is a gift from my wife and i hope you'll i hope you'll take it that way quite quite serious thing now uh i'm her third husband she's my second wife we were both single for a while and um we went slowly into this relationship thing you know how to spot two newcomers in aa on a second date don't you they're pulling a u-haul you know we say at my home group two ding-a-lings don't make a bell and And I was in the process of getting single, and I was within a couple of weeks of it. And I had been living alone and been celibate for something between two and a half and three years. And my sponsor asked me what I wanted in that category. And I said, I think I'd like to have the real full-blown thing with one woman. And he said, well, I can tell you how to find a healthy one. I said, really? He said, oh, yeah. He says, you see one you're attracted to, ask her out. Don't touch her. Take her to a movie. Still attracted to her? Take her out again. Take her dinner. Don't Touch Her. Take her on a third time to something. And if you're still attracted to or say to her, I want you to know that I'm a raging heterosexual and I find you terribly attractive. Or I would have never asked you out the first time, much less three. but I believe it's important to put the physical on the back burner for a while to allow the rest of the relationship to develop because what I've seen over and over again is you get to the physical part first and the only thing you have in common is you're both an AA and you both like coffee and six months later when it blows up and she says who are you and you break up, you're ankle deep in blood and somebody loses a home group and half a group of friends it gets to be a real mess whereas if you put the physical on the back burner when it doesn't work out a little bit later it ain't near as bloody as a matter of fact there's really not any blood at all because it's not that hard to do anyway that was his suggestion and he said i recommend you put the physical in the hold until you're married well something inside me screamed and uh deep inside you yeah it was it was all everything inside me actually screamed um we can talk details later if you really need to i thought you would understand too much information i really thought you would well it's your fault anyway um and uh i did a lot of things to make my first wife very sick i'm guilty as charged all right please i'm guiltiest charge but that was not a happy segment of my first marriage and uh the idea of waiting till after marriage that ain't working for me and uh and he was a member of a very fundamentalist religious sect and was pretty firm on that but he backed off quickly when he when i said look i'm not willing to do that he said well how about like we can talk months and i said yeah i can do that and uh and he said because you'll find he's still trying to some of the marriage thing and he says uh he said only a healthy woman will agree to this idea of putting that on hold until after you're married or for a very very long period of time because the unhealthy ones, you've just taken away their number one weapon. Maybe some of you guys have had the experience of having sex used against you as a weapon, been punished by it, been rewarded with it. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. Maybe not, but I do. And he said only a healthy woman will agree to that. Now, he said, well, some unhealthy women will agree to that verbally, but they'll spend the next couple of weeks trying to tumble you into bed, which will not be an unpleasant experience for you. Boy, he was a great salesman. And so I thought he was right, and I took Linda out three times and had that conversation with her, and she agreed to it. And we held hands and did the peck on the cheek for several months, and that was all because they say at home if you hang around the barbershop long enough, you'll eventually wind up with a haircut. So we didn't get too close to the barbshop. And we finally decided and really had something. and I'm not going to talk about that. I wanted to talk about what she, this beautiful thing that she carried and this is how she says it that she's an adult female of our species and believes that sex is a gift from God and a celebration of love between two people and she wanted to be healthy in it and yet she was concerned about the old ghosts that might show up from her previous marriages and so on and for I can't imagine what reason she thinks I may have a history and um in addition to the worry about tomorrow morning was it really okay and did uh did she notice i gained weight and all that you know all that stuff and um she prayed about it and received a gift and i share this with you as her gift and what she calls her bedroom prayer and this is how she says it is before we're about to have a physical exchange i simply pray this prayer God, help me stay in the moment. That's all. God, help me stand in the moment and Mother Nature takes care of the rest and that's a gift from Ms. Linda. Y'all talk about the next right thing instead of saying that y'all have around here. Talk about doing the next great thing. I've discovered for me a last right thing and the last right thing for me is to go to bed at a reasonable hour and set my two alarms so that I'll be able to get a good night's rest and awaken in the morning with plenty of time to start my day on a spiritual basis. If I fail to do the last right thing tonight, I won't be able to do it tomorrow. If I don't do the first right thing tomorrow morning. I talked to a guy not too long ago I'm his grand sponsor and he called me from another state and said I just can't seem to get the morning prayer meditation not working for me. And I said well what time did you go to bed last night? He said well two. Let's look at the actual problem not the symptom really really much more effective if we can get down to the actual problem i'll tell one more story and give it over to bob i moved out of the home that my first wife and i were living in when i was sober uh six years and i quote her she told our daughter just a couple of years ago that when i got sober i changed and she didn't and i think that's accurate i think it's exactly what happened and she was tearing me up one more time and what happened to me as i did these steps as i got my innocence back i was guilty for a long time and i think she controlled me with that guilt and uh i went through these steps i made those amends i dug the poison out of my soul i got innocent again and i became uncontrollable that was difficult for her and uh she was probably right about a lot of that but it was making her crazy and she's tearing me up one more time and I got this moment of clarity in the moment of clarity said you're just before giving her a fist to the face and when she goes down you're going with her she's on the way to the jay uh to the hospital you are on theway to the jail it's a bad plan worked it out all by myself and uh fortunately enough and i did an about face while she was screaming and walked out got in the car and drove away and started looking for an apartment 48 hours later, I moved. And because I knew if I lived with her, I was going to hit her. I've been asked by women who've been abused to not say this, but I believe it's true. I think she wanted me to hit her. She didn't want me to beat her up. She wanted meto hit her so she'd have a guilt to manage me with. And I could be wrong on that. I don't know. But I know that if I'd stay with her it was going to happen. And i didn't know what to do. I didn't believe in divorce. I also knew if i stay with her it's coming and I don't know what to do and I prayed and I was given a gift and I don't ask you to believe this came from God. I want you to know that I do believe that and the gift that I got was three prayers and I pray them every morning and the first prayer is God if it's your will for us to be together put us together. The second one if it your will to be apart put us apart those are the easy ones here's the one that counts God if its your will not to know today leave me not knowing that's the one. Jerry told me that serenity isn't freedom from the storm. Serenity is peace in the midst of the storm, and the only way I can have that is if I can give up the need to manage the storm and that's the way I do that, and when I have a big deal, I believe in big deals. When I have an amazing deal in progress, I can pray that prayer, if it's your will for me not to know today, leave me not knowing. When I can say that and mean it, I could be at peace in the middle of the storm and i didn't know for two and a half years and i was at peace in the middle of a storm and then one day i knew and uh kind of trolled the last of the story first but that's what happened to me you want to start on 11 we'll never finish it tonight okay i'm bob i'm an alcoholic hey bob step 11 was the only step in alcoholic synonymous that when i looked at it was appealing to me. I'm not big on any of the other stuff, but step 11, I grew up, knew about meditation. I went to TM. I had a mantra. I chanted in Nomi Oho Renge Kyo with the Buddhists. I was never sober enough to do it consistently, but I knew that there were people in those meditation groups that were kind of Gandhi-like. They were like up here, right? So a meditation attracted me because I wanted to be up here. When you really feel down here, you want to be up here and I thought there's power in it. The power to kind of rise above everything and being self-centered was the only step that appealed to me. and i i kind of i didn't understand the purpose of step 11 at all i thought it was to i was going to hone myself into such a state of spiritual perfection i'd glow in the dark you know i'm just going to be that guy and so i get to i getto the big book and at the bottom of page 85 starts the section on step 11 and you know how you know that because in italics it says step 11 wow yeah i'm i'm a quick study step 11 it says suggest prayer meditation we shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer better men than we are using it constantly it works if we have the proper attitude and work at it it would be easy to be vague about this matter yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions okay i'm ready i'm buckled in i want i want you to take me to the promised land. And I start reading what follows, and it says, when we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, afraid? Do we owe an apology? I'm reading this, and I'm thinking, well, this doesn't have anything to do with meditation. One of my problems has always been is I'm so sure that things should be a certain way that i can't learn how they are right i think i know and i'm reading i read further down the page there's nothing on these pages to me that looks like meditation there is a couple prayers you know there's that we ask the bottom paragraph we ask god to direct our thinking okay that's a prayer and we especially ask that it be divorced from okay that'sa prayer and then it goes we ask god for inspiration okay there's some prayers but nothing that looks like meditation i know about meditation i know About chanting i know but breathing i know About all this stuff so i never did any of the stuff that it said here and i just went Like i always do like a loose cannon i just start following what i think would be Meditation and i did a lot of different stuff and i got sober at a time when people were not into the big book if you were back in those days if you ask a guy how did how he does his morning meditation he'd tell you about reading the 24-hour book he'd tell you about different little stools and bottles or any some of those books that they'd read every morning so I started like a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous back in the late 70s and even early 80s and I had those meditation books that i'd read 24-hour good stuff nothing wrong with any of it i did that for a while then i found the prayer of saint francis and 12 by 12 great prayer make me a channel did said that prayer for a long time found another prayer another version of that prayer that i liked even better the one that says make me an instrument i somehow that i just like that version a little better did that für a while i explored a bunch of churches i uh i said the rosary at one point I went back to Catholic Church for a little while. I don't mind church, they just don't let me share, so I don' t go there long. You identify that too much, don' you? I'm not going either. I went back with the SGI and the Buddhists and I started chanting in Nam-nyi-yoho-renge-kyo. I did visual imageries. i um i did breathing exercises i did some yoga um i even uh i uh i found a prayer that i really liked i used still use to this day it's it's a great meditation it's very centering thing it's i am the place where god shines through him and i are one not two i need not worry fret or plan and he wants me where and as I am. And if I be relaxed and free, he'll carry out his plan through me. I said that for years. Like that, say that, use that today to this point. All good stuff. The book on the bottom of page 87 says it's all good. It says be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they have to offer. In addition to, but not in substitution for. And the problem is I'm not even trying what it says in the book because my ego won't let me because it doesn't match my preconceived notion of meditation so I throw the baby out with the bathwater. And I'm sober a long time and a guy comes up to me I sponsor and he's very serious. is he wants some very specific and concrete direction. He wants something he can do every day for Step 11. Well, the problem is I don't know what to tell him. I've done so many different things by this point, and they're all good, but none of them is really like the home run. You know what I mean? It's like it's – so I don'T know what the time. So I'm going to let out a little secret. they teach you this in sponsor school when you don't know what to tell a sponsee you say just do what it says in the book so I told him I said just do what it in the boy well he goes to the book and he starts doing exactly what it's says on page 86 and 87 when we retire at night he does that now an awakening he does everything it says there and in no time at all, he's doing better than I am. And I don't like that. That really bothers me. It's not a good deal. And what's happening to him is exactly what it says in the 12 by 12. It is the beginning of the end of isolation. He is starting to be more productive. He's starting to be more connected because what he's doing is designed to better facilitate him carrying out a decision he made in step three. And I don't know that, but I just like what he is doing. So I just started doing the same thing. When I retire at night, I ask myself those questions. On a rise, on awakening in the morning, I can do the considerations and I think about the things it says i say the prayers that it suggests on the bottom 86 and top 87 i started doing all that stuff about that same time a guy sponsored found a dictionary from 1913 which would have been uh in that window of time when bill wilson would have Been forming his language skills i have found another one not too long ago with from 1895 and i got another one from 1932, but the 1913 dictionary, we looked up the word meditation and I was astounded at what it said because it was different than what I expected. And what I realized after reading the dictionary is that the definition of the word medication changed in the English language in the 1960s. In the 1960's the Beatles, Timothy Leary, Alan Watts, J Krishnamurti, Aldous Huxley and a host of other people got fascinated by Eastern spiritual techniques and started introducing them into Western culture. And consequently the word meditation, the definition and the meaning in the english language started to change but in 1913 it it was more of like what it says in the book it was i and i started realizing it's funny how you know by this time i took everything bill wilson took said literally except this part of the book as if as if he's always means what he says except here right and uh i discovered that he means exactly what he says. And in the definition, what one example it gave for meditation, 1913, is it said a general will meditate a war. In keeping that in mind, I came back to the book and I read this. It says on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can implore our mental faculties with assurance for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. I could picture a general getting up in the morning and thinking about the 24 hours ahead. He's got a lot on his plate as often i do he instead of turning to god he calls his officers in because he had taken and he'd taken an honest inventory and an honest evaluation of his situation he says to his officers he doesn't say let's divorce our army from from self-pity dishonest or self-seeking motives. He says, these horses are lame. They won't ride. They cannot go in today's march. Pull them out, please. These cannons over here are warped. They're not going to work. Those men are wounded. We need to send them back to the hospital tent because they won't work. They won'T march. And you see, these aspects and manifestations of self-pity, dishonest, self-seeking motives they didn't work yesterday and they're not going to march today there's nothing that will stop me and prevent me more from carrying out this simple decision in step three which is the essence of it is when i say to god here i offer myself to you for you to build with me and do with me as you will i'm really taking a position of self-abandonment I don't want to make my life none of my business. I'm asking that he relieve me of the bondage of self, and if he'll do that, if he will take away my difficulties with the bondages of self he does it for one reason, one reason only. So that victory over them would bear witness to those I would help. That's my orders. That's where I'm trying to head in the direction of carrying out the decision of making my life none of your business and helping God's kids. Period. That's it. that's it what gets in the way of that more than self-pity if you've ever if you very self-pitie is the is the epitome of the bondage of self so when i and i know i'm a i was diagnosed as a depressive clinically depressed alcoholic i'm not clinically depressed it's self- pity i just get myself on myself and and and you know what self-pity is it's when god stops doing your will right i start looking at how what's wrong with the world and it's it's just a horrible self-centered point of view dishonest i can't the only time i the only reason i'm ever dishonest is through self-centered fear it's when i'm back managing my life again and self-seeking back in the driver's seat again so i'm asking him to divorce my my thinking of those things because they're not i can't i can'T do this with them in place and what i what i realized about the same time I saw a passage in the 12 by 12 that explained why this self-examination is part of step 11. It says in there that self- examination, meditation and prayer when taken separately and that's what I thought. I thought that self examination this inventory thing and the meditation was all those separate deals but it says when they're taken separately they can bring much benefit and relief. And then it says, but when they're logically related and interwoven, they create an unshakable foundation for life. See, I don't need relief. I've spent my whole life as a relief junkie. I know about seeking relief. I need freedom. Relief is just another band-aid on the real problem. And the real problem is i need freedom from the bondage of self that's the real problem and i don't need relief and when when these three things are inter logically related and interwoven as it suggests in the 12 by 12 and reflects in the procedure on page 86 and 87 what it's like it's very it's very much like the thing that a sailor will do to navigate from point A to point B on the ocean. If you were to go down here to the harbor, wherever the boats are, and you were to buy or rent the absolute finest sailboat that you could get, money was no object, and you went to the nautical library and you charted an impeccable course from here to the island of Bermuda. No matter how perfect your boat is, no matter how right on the money you're setting out perfectly for the island de Bermudez, every single day the winds and the tides and the currents are going to blow you off course. It's not because you're a bad sailor or you have a bad boat or you played with your tiller too much or nothing. It is just the way it is. and every single day if you're a sailor and you're genuine and you are willing not to fool yourself about values you take an honest reckoning whether it's with a sextant, a compass or with a GPS it doesn't matter you take a honest reckony where you are and compare it to where you need to be and reset your course back to the island of Bermuda but in our case it's back to carrying out the decision and step three see the clamorings of self and self-centered fear are just as strong within me to pull me off course as the tides and the winds and the current when it says every single day is a day we've got to do this because every single Day I am experiencing the clamoring of self and it's such a subtle thing and every day is the day I got to recorrect my course back on to the decision of self-abandonment and help God's kids of self forgetting and why do I do that so I can do it again because by the next day I'm going to drifted back into into myself and playing God running the universe because those are my default positions when it says in here something I just love it says we but we must be careful not to drift into worry remorse or morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness when this kind of self-examination by this time in the process if we've been thorough has no uh there's no putting yourself down with this you look and you say where was i you know selfish yeah i was i was so you know i was self i was designed i was resentful to yes Of course I was. It is my nature. Do I have amends to make? How do I reset the course? How do i clear the channel? How does it become clear so that i can be prepared for tomorrow's march? And the last thing we ask is what corrective measures should be taken? And then i go to sleep and i go. To sleep you know why i know go to sleep then because the next thing it says is on awakening i go to sleep and i i have many many many times i have um i just had a deal not too long ago just within the last couple months where i got to the end of the day and i had something man it was right there and it was and i don't know i'm not sure what to do about it but i got this i i'm i got a situation with a person now that every time i see him i i get uncomfortable i almost want to avoid him right and I know that there's some separation between me and this guy right so I asked God what corrected measures should be taken and I got up the next morning and the first thing I thought of it was it was right there and I knew exactly what to do I realized that on two different levels I owed him amends one level is I was talking crap about him behind his back I And I was not malicious. I was trying to enlighten some people about it. No, I was trying to gratify myself and it was all self-centered stuff and I had to clear that up. And then I had to go to him and tell him that I misjudged him and I may have harmed his... They told these people, I said these things about him and told him, I had to go tell him that I went to the people and told them I was out of line. and made it right. And it was right there, the intuitive knowledge of that, right when I woke up. It was right here. I knew exactly what I wanted. Now, I didn't like it. And the book says promptly. Well, it was actually the day after. It was promptly for me. I didn' t do it that day. But I thought about it all day. It was a... Scott has a great saying, and I think there's only two hardest things in AA are thinking about doing a fourth step and thinking about making amends. The actual making the amends is not that hard, but thinking about it is just as tedious. But it took me a day, which is promptly, but alcoholics have some kind of reverse dog years going on thing. I don't know. Some of us promptly could be a year. There's a question in here, and I want to talk real briefly about this, and it really shines a light on me. And every time I, most, not every time, sometimes I've gotten a little callous to it of late. But for a long time when I would ask myself this question, I would really kind of get a view of where I'm at. And the question seems simple, but it's not. It says, was I kind and loving towards all? All. All is a bad question. I mean, I'm kind and loving to the people who deserve to be treated kind and loving. I'm kinda loving to people who are kind and loving to me, but it doesn't say that. It says all. Am I kind and loving to The waitress that's having a bad day? And she gives me a, reads me the riot. Am I Kind and Loving to the person who's crazy in traffic and flips me off and Cuts me off And threatens me? am I kind and loving towards sick agitated uptight people or am I only kind and loving playing God to the ones according to Bob on his throne that deserve it and I'll tell you something I say it's not there days when I ask myself that question and two or three or one or two or three people will pop up and I realize there they are right there they are now i may not necessarily owe an amends because amends involves harm but i'll tell you at the very least i've missed an opportunity to be helpful to someone who's having a bad day and you know why i know that is that i i've been so so blessed in sobriety that i have caught a few i've that god has kept me awake a couple times when i'm faced with someone who'S in a really bad spot and i will and i'm awake enough to get it what's going on with them and i start to talk to them the way i would hope someone would talk to me if i was having a bad day like that and i become the only bright spot in a day when everybody is reacting to their fear and often i can change their day and in addition to changing my relationship with this guy who's who potentially could have made me crazy and we've been in a fight. And I can be useful. And what's the book say? It says that's the point is to grow in understanding and effectiveness, is to be awake. Awake so I can carry out this decision in step three to help God's kids. That's really the point. I think we're going to pick up on the morning with more. I've got two short pieces, and then we'll break. The first one is Bob and I have a couple of mentors in common. And one of them says the measure of my recovery is not so much whether I get off the path. We all get off to pass. The measure is how quickly I get back on. I love that. And I love this one too. I have cup and I crock, and every day one of the runneth over. and on the days when i'm out there trying to have my will and getting my way it tends to be the crock and onthe days when im out there just trying to try to be of service and see who i can help do something nice for tends to me the cup for me today with the cut i cant tell you how grateful i am for that opportunity if you remain seated we're going to again whisper the lord's prayer have a moment of silence in honor of those that are gone uh we lost a beauty last month uh ed mutum yeah but if you haven't heard one of his talks and uh have a few moments of silence and honor of ceux that are gone and we'll whisper the lord s prayer at a very slow cadence and then uh we'll have another moment of silence. I'll let you know when that one's over. Lord's prayer. Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever. Amen.