Step 6 – Judy L. – Big Book Workshop Retreat – 2020

My name is Peter. I'm an alcoholic. Alright, steps six and seven. If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can he now take them all, every one? If we still cling to something, we will not let go. We ask God to help us be willing. Thanks, Peter. Alright. So what I'd like to do is, before Judy and I get to sharing on what our experience with six and seven is, I'd like to back up to the returning home part. And why I want to do this is I missed this. I missed the importance of this the first couple of times I went through the steps. You know, I said, I want to do this. I thought, ah, you know, I know. And I think that this is an exercise. It's part of, again, let's go back to rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. So understanding that as a truth, I truly believe it's true. I want to thoroughly follow the path. So where there's instructions or where it asks us to do something or asks us to say, okay, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that prayer. I'm of the belief that we do that before we move on. So we talked a little bit about the fifth step this morning, but I want to start with returning home. Okay, here's what it says. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. So this is a contemplative exercise. We're supposed to, okay, let's take a look. Where are we now? We ask God. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. When it says something like that, we thank God, the very last thing that happened before the publication of the big book is the yous got changed to the we's. I learned that in this book that was just written. It was a fight, too. Bill did not want the yous changed into we's. But he lost the fight because Hank Parkhurst and some other people basically got a gang together. And went after him. So all through this book, it's like we did this. But if you look at the original manuscript, in most places it says you, this is what you're going to do. And so where it says we, I like to change that into, you know, I'm we. I need to be we. So I thank God from the bottom of my heart that I know him better. Because if you've gone through the first five steps, you're starting. You're starting to get an experience with God. There's an awakening that's starting to happen within you. Then it says, taking this book down from our shelf, we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. So, you know, where is that? That's on page 59. Okay. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we've omitted anything. For we're building an arch. We're building an arch. We're building an arch. We're building an arch. We're building an arch. We shall walk free at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? So what I'm supposed to do is this. One, did Chris admit he was powerless over alcohol and that his life was unmanageable? Do I really believe that? Do I understand what it means? Because I've gone through the chapter more about alcoholism. And there is a solution. Do I understand what an alcoholic is? And when the doctor's opinion. And do I understand what an unmanageable life is? And do I admit that my life is unmanageable? Today when I admit my, today when I look at my life had become unmanageable, what I look at is this. When I first showed up here, I thought the unmanageability that they were talking about was the crashed cars, the families that split, the lost property. The lost jobs, the bad health, a lot of things like that. I thought that that was really, you know, getting arrested, you know, coming to a jail not knowing why I'm there. Yeah, my life is unmanageable. Today I believe it's more of an emotional spiritual unmanageability. And how unmanageability presented in me was like this. On a good day I was restless, irritable, and discontented. And this is no booze. This is in between my drinking. I was restless. I was restless, irritable, and discontented. On a normal day I was filled with self-centered fear, depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, remorse about what I had done. Just emotionally pain, emotional pain. That's like a normal day. And on a bad day it was the hideous four horsemen, terror, frustration, bewilderment, and despair. And in the doctor's opinion it talks about pitiful and incompetence. And I think that's the heart of the unmanageability in my life. It's a spiritual, emotional unmanageability. So can I admit that? Yes, I'm in. You know, when I read this book I'm like, how do they know this stuff about me? You know, I'm a big book alcoholic. Two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Do I believe in this power that has brought so many alcoholics back from the gates of insanity and death? Do I believe that a power could do that for me? Is it possible that a power could do that for me? You know, I have to say yes because I've moved past step two, you know, through step five. I'm buying into this thing. I may not be. I may not be absolutely sure this alcoholic synonymous stuff is going to work on a complicated case like me. But I'm going to give it everything. I'm going to give it everything I got. So can I say that I believe? Yeah, I believe. Three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Did I make this decision? Did I make the decision to go through the rest of the steps? Did I make the decision that God is going to be the director? God's going to be the principal. And God's going to be the father. Did I make that? Did I make that decision? Did I make the decision to understanding that this whole process is about helping me develop a relationship with this power, this God, this power that can revolutionize and transform my life and offer me recovery from alcoholism? I think that's a great question. And step three, let me talk just a little bit about a decision back in the day was different than we, like we can decide to go to the store and not go to the store, right? We decided to go to the store, but, you know, we're still here. Back in the day, a decision really meant a decision. You made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God. You're on your knees turning your life. And your will over to the care of God. And you're following the rest of the suggestions. That's the change since the 30s in that particular term. Four, have I made a certain and fearless moral inventory of myself? Have I done a resentment inventory? Have I answered the questions that the book asked me to answer? I'm like Judy. Judy was saying she's not beholden to the mechanics. You know. I believe that if you answer the questions to the best of your ability, you're going to be good. You know, you're going to be good. And whatever kind of form you use. You know, there's a couple of forms I'm not real fond of. There's a couple of things that Hazleton published back in the day that were 972 pages long and had farm animals and stuff. And, you know, there's an economy. There's an economy to this process. It was developed in a very simple way to answer very simple questions. And it was designed for people that were very, very sick to be able to do it. So we complicate things. Well, what they must mean by that, you know, it must mean a lot more than that. Sometimes, no. Sometimes. It means exactly what it says. So when it asks us to do a resentment inventory, it tells us how to do it. It shows us an example. When it asks us to do a fear inventory, it says answer these questions. You know, what was the fear? Why did you have it? Wasn't it because of self-reliance failing you that you had the fear? And that's 99.9999 times out of 100. Yeah, it's because I'm trying to live on self-reliance. And that's my problem. That's the big problem in my life. Have I done a conduct inventory? Have I answered the nine questions? There's, you review the relationship and then there's nine questions. And have you answered those? And when you've got done with all this, have you put together an ideal for future relationships? Have you seen by what doesn't work maybe a good idea of what you're going to do next? Yeah. Have you seen by what does work and what to work toward and what to ask God to help us live up to? You know, have I done that? If I can say yes, I move on. Five, admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrong. Have I been completely honest with a sponsor, a spiritual advisor, a priest, whoever I decide to bring my fourth step to? Have I left anything out? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. eight warnings in this book about leaving things out. If there's something that's gnawing at you, that you got a lot of shame about or whatever, I mean, have you, have you been completely honest with somebody? Are you withholding anything because of some reason? And a lot of times I know people hang on to, people are uncomfortable sharing like huge criminal things. mayoral exhibits concept. things, you know, whatever. It tells us if there are certain things that we just can't share with somebody, to find somebody that you can share that with. Don't let it go unshared. So like a Catholic priest or something, they have a, you know, they're legally allowed to not ever tell anybody anything, no matter what you tell them, you know. Maybe that's where you got to go take your murders and, you know, all that stuff, you know. Some Boston people here, you know. So, you know, can I, you know, have I done these five steps? Have I done these five steps? You know what I mean? If I have, I can move into steps six and step seven. Now, you know, when I look back on my life, I said earlier that alcoholism is a disease of minimization. Some of this stuff is so egregious that, you know, it's just painful for us to fully assimilate just, you know, how badly we've behaved, fully assimilate how sick we've been, fully assimilate, you know, how many sins of omission, you know, we're guilty of, how many times we didn't show up when we were supposed to show up, how many people we let down. You know, a lot of times it's very, very difficult for us to go that deep. You know, I was the type of alcoholic who was self-seeking, you know, self-centered, run wild, just run wild. I was wild and I was reckless and, you know, I was crazy. So, I'll tell you a couple of the stories that, you know, if you were sharing these stories, you know, I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. I was crazy. Kind of stories in an elk's meaning or something, you know, they'd throw a net over you, but I know you'll understand the logic in this, okay? My alcoholism had gotten so bad that when I had the obsession to drink, I would start drinking, I would be drunk in an hour, I would be in a blackout in two hours, and I'd be passed out in three hours. That's the level, that's how bad my alcoholism had progressed. And that's if there's alcohol there, that's what would happen. I would obsessively just drink it. And this was cutting down on my social life a little bit because you go out to a party or you go out on a date, they don't like you being unconscious at 8 o'clock. You know what I mean? It's just not something that happens. So I need a solution for this, right? I've got to figure this out because I want a date, you know? Good God. So, yeah, I was beautiful. I wish I had a video. But anyway, here was my decision. Here was my decision. I'm going to start treating my alcoholism with heroin. And... And... And I did. I did. I started to treat my alcoholism with heroin. Because when I used heroin, I didn't have to compulsively drink. And I could kind of chill. Except everything got really decadent. It got to the point where I was hanging out with people that didn't even have real names. You know, they were Weezer and Green Man. There was a guy named Whack. You call him Whack. And then there was a guy named Rat. And every time he introduced himself, he made sure that you understood that it had two Ts. Not one T. And so it got really decadent. And then, you know, I ran that course out. You know, it just was really bad. And so just nuts. And reckless. I was just really, really... Really reckless. If there was somebody, like, trying to climb up a waterfall, you know, it'd be me. Or surfing on top of a car at 60 miles an hour or something. That was me. Like, how I didn't die of misadventure was just crazy. And, you know, when I look back on this, I see the insanity in all of it. But when I was doing it, you know, that's not... I didn't see it as insanity. It was just the next fun thing to do or the next thing that I had to do. So there's like an awakening to all this stuff. You know, another thing that I did, and, you know, I can share this here. I've already started to. I did a lot of drugs. And I want to tell you, I do not consider myself a drug addict. And I'll tell you why. Because when heroin got really, really bad, I was a drug addict. I was really decadent, you know, and people didn't have names. You know, I decided I'm not going to do this stuff anymore. And guess what? I never did that stuff anymore. And then there was a cocaine period of time, right, where I was trying to elongate my drinking, you know, with the cocaine. And when it got so crazy that I, you know, I was on the same sentence for three days. And my teeth were... I was like this. I was gritting my teeth. I decided I'm not going to do this cocaine anymore. And then, you know, I had a benzo kick for a while. You know, a doctor... I went up to a doctor one time. I go, doctor, doctor. I get in the morning and, you know, I was nervous and, you know, I got shakes and I just feel uncomfortable. I just feel uncomfortable. And the doctor goes, oh, he puts his stethoscope on my heart. I'm in detox, right? My heart's going... And he goes, oh, you have a protracted mitral valve. And it's, you know, it's probably caused from acute anxiety. And I go, okay, you got anything for that, doc? You know? And he goes, well, we have this new drug. It's called Xanax. And I go, well, what kind of miligrimages do those things come in? And he goes... Because I'm going to need the big ones, doc. I'm going to need... I'm going to need the big ones. And he did. He gave me the big ones. And the biggest thing on the label, anybody that's done them, what's the biggest thing on the label? No alcohol, right? Well, that doesn't mean me. You know? You know, that's for the scuttlefish. So here's what I was doing. You know, pretty quickly, I wasn't even counting them. I was, like, weighing them in my hand and chugging them down with a quart of vodka. I got limber. I got to tell you. You know? And I... I mean, I was... I was... I was... I was limber. And one time... One time, you know, I got over-medicated, you know? And it was the next day, and I was going to work, and I remember, you know, it's a picture. You park in the parking lot, and then you walk about 100 yards up to the shop where my boss is, where, you know, the electrical contractor. And I walked serpentine up to his... Up to the, like, just noodles. And, uh... And he yelled at me, Go on, damn it! You know, go home! You know? And he shamed me in front of my peers. And, uh... Oh, it was bad. Oh. So I had to go home, you know, my head really low, you know? Sleep it off. So that was so embarrassing. I never did benzos again. So I don't consider myself a drug addict because, you know, I could take them or I could leave them. But there was periods of time when I took them. You know what I mean? And I'll tell one story. We lived about 40 miles outside of New York City in the 70s. And the coolest thing was going into the city to see concerts. We would all pile in a car, and we'd go in, and we'd see Led Zeppelin, or we'd see Pink Floyd. I mean, there was some of the greatest music you could ever imagine that was happening. And I remember that was happening all over New York City. And because I'm alcoholic from an early age, you know, I start to party before the party. I start to drink before I go to the bar. You know, that's just me. And, you know, I'm drinking like crazy. We're drinking on the way in. And this one concert, I think it was a Foghat and Wishbone Ash concert, right? And we're good and drunk, and we get in, and we sit down, and we listen to a couple of songs. And then my buddy, John, comes out of the bathroom, and he goes, hey, man, hey, they're selling LSD in the bathroom, man. You want to buy some and do it? And really, there's only one socially acceptable answer to that. You know what I mean? Yes! Yes, let's go. And so we go into the bathroom, and we buy LSD, and we take it, and we go back, and we sit down, and we let like one song go by. And then we look at each other, and we go, are you high? No, I'm not high. We got ripped off. Let's go back. So we go back, and we buy more LSD off of somebody different. And then we go back, and we sit down in the chair, and we let maybe two songs go by. I'm still not high. Are you? You know, no. We got ripped off. Let's do it. Let's try one more time. So we go back, and we buy more. Now, if you know anything about LSD, it can take like 45 minutes, you know, for it to work. We're not giving it 45 minutes. We give it like five. So like the last song of the night is on, and we're like this. I mean, it's an ordeal, OK? It's an ordeal. If you've never done LSD, the best way I can describe it is having the movie Fantasia injected into your eye with a turkey baster. You know what I mean? It's like. And so the lights come on. The lights come on. It's time to leave. It's time to go. It's time to go. And we get up, and you know, none of us are talking. None of us can talk. And we're like walking down, you know, just trying not to flip out, trying to hang on to whatever sanity we have. And we're like, OK. We're going to go. We're going to go. And we've all come into this city in a van, right? So we get in the van, and we're sitting there like in a fetal position, just hoping nobody's going to ask us a question or something. And we start driving. Now, to leave New York City and get into New Jersey, you've got to go through a tunnel. So it looks like this. Eight lanes, six lanes, four lanes, two lanes, tunnel. Well, we're heading down, and we're getting right there. We're going right up to the tunnel. And somebody in the front of the van goes, hey, man, we'll never fit. Right? So some of us get concerned, you know? Who the hell would want to be stuck in a tunnel? You know? So we move toward the front of the van. He's right. He's right. It's a mouse hole, you know? And we're like, OK. And we're like, OK. It's a mouse hole. You ever try to back out of the Lincoln Tunnel? There's some rude drivers, you know? I don't know about Connecticut, but man, there's some rude drivers in New York City. It took us about 45 minutes to back out. And then we took the bridge. So, you know, this isn't just an isolated incident. This kind of stuff was going on all the time, just crazy, insane drama like this. And some of it wasn't very fun. funny. I remember this one guy, one idiot, you know, he wanted to be cool and, you know, sell drugs, man. And he sold me a bunch of pills. And back then, you know, when you got a pill in your hand, you'd do this. What was that, by the way? You know, could have been a dog worming pill, you know? And so I took a bunch of these pills that he sold me and nothing happened. I took a bunch more and nothing happened. Damn it, I'm going to take, I took like 20 of them. They were his father's heart medication. The idiot was, you know, just selling crap out of his medicine cabinet. And for like 20 hours, I was like, it was like flipping me out. So there were things that were sad and things that were dangerous and just complete insanity. And, you know, I come in here and I see the second step on the wall, restore me to sanity. And I'm offended. You know, I'm offended. So, you know, moving up the steps, moving up to step six and seven, you know, there's an enormous amount of work to be done on me. I'm a mess. And look, I would love, I would love to be able to say, give me the book. I got this. I'll talk to you guys later. And learn this thing and have all my problems disappear. But the problem is I'm in way more trouble than I think I am. My alcoholism is so aggressive and so all-encompassing in my belief systems, you know, right down to the core of my soul, I'm alcoholic. And a solution for that has to be a little bit more. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. But I'm going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. But I'm going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. This is a really big solution. It can't be a self-help book. You know what I mean? It has to be something big. I remember my sponsor coming over to my house, you know, I'm about six months sober and I'm proud to have him over my house and he's looking at my books. You know how sponsors do. They want to know what the hell you're reading. And he's going, oh, Chris, looks like you got a lot of self-help books here, you know? And I'm kind of proud of myself. Yeah, Phil, you know, yeah, I do. And he goes, I can't find the help others books here. And I'm like, I'm unfamiliar with that category, Phil. What aisle in Barnes & Noble will you find those? You know, he was making fun. I got all these self-help books, and I'm a mess. You know what I mean? I can't help myself. Alcoholics Anonymous is not a self-help program. It's a God-help program. So when I look at it and I start to move in to step six and step seven, I have to understand that my character, my character defects, my character, my alcoholism, the problems that I'm suffering from are not something, I am going to be able to fix myself. No human power can relieve me of my alcoholism. No human power can relieve me of the bondage of self and the spiritual malady either. So I need to look at step six, and I need to look at step seven. You know, I need to become willing to engage in a spiritual life, that will allow the healing to take place. And I liken it like this. You've got the sunlight of the spirit coming down, the healing power of God to come down. And we're in the woods, right? None of the sunlight can come through. And a lot of the step work we do and a lot of the stuff is like pruning some of the branches to let a little bit more of that sun in. So what our job is, is to be making ourselves, to be making ourselves ready, to be helping to create the environment where this sunlight of the spirit can do the healing. If I keep thinking this is a self-help program, that I just need to know what to do better next time, I'm not going to get very far. And so step six is becoming willing to, God, you can have all of me, good and bad. Because a lot of times what we think is good is bad. And a lot of times what we think is bad is good. So we might as well handle the whole damn thing. So what's good and what's bad, I'm ready that you now have all of me. And in a humble way, in a humble way, ask God. Ask that sunlight of the spirit to get about the business of healing. And what I'll do is I'll do my responsibility and the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I'll keep pruning the branches. And I can make myself ready to be in the sunlight of the spirit. But I'm not the sun. That's a power greater than myself. Right, Judy? Does that make any sense? What? What? What? Okay. I'm supposed to follow that. So a lot of what you said around not being able to do that reminds me that the principle of the seven step is humility. And I didn't get that for a long time. It's humility because there's so much I can't do. So I could sit there and go, boy, it's not my job. I can't do this. You better get a big God. Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? And I notice that through all the steps with each one. I've been asked, if I'm wanting to be sober, I'm being asked to grow a bigger God from the first step to the second step. And then with the energy of the second step, I'm being asked to do a third step. And it takes the energy of the third step for me to write the fourth step. And then I get a different perspective on it, and I grow a bit with any luck at all into the fifth step. So I was told. and I believe deeply that this is the most undervalued step in the entire book and this is a powerful couple of paragraphs. And people say, well, there's nothing in there. Well, there isn't exactly. If we can answer to our satisfaction, answer what? All those questions Chris was asking. How about our mortar without sand? Did we look at our first five principles? Have we sat down and done the work necessary to get us to this far? Because we're about to be asked to make a giant leap. And I want to say that at my level of sobriety today, it is the sixth step that I am in when I'm in trouble all the time. Every time I'm in trouble, it's in one of two places for me. One is my second step. I don't believe that God's going to relieve this particular insanity. And six, that I am dependent on something else and I'm not willing to let go of anything that I'm not going to let go of. Every stinking time. That's where I'm at. So obviously for me, maybe not for you, but for me the sixth step is a revisit kind of thing. The longer I stay sober, the more deluded I can be about my life and the more I think that I can think better about getting sober. I can think myself weller today than I used to when I got here because again, I believe what I think, I believe what I say, and according to that, I am walking on water. So I walk on water so well that a couple years ago, we were at a service gig in Missouri of all places. And it was at a great hotel and we'd had this fabulous spiritual weekend. Everybody's really impressed. We're all talking about principles and about the program and what's going on at GSO and how we're going to reach and do this and that and the other thing. And all the trustees are there and I'm talking to these giants that have invented this. They've invested so much time in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm one of them. You know, we're solid. We're okay. The weekend's ending and Lou and I are walking to our car across the second floor bridge. And as we walk away, and bear in mind, I am walking on water. My spiritual development is pretty good. And we pass the little, you know, those little pretend walls that they have that make spaces for things, they move them around. Well, in one of those little pretend corners, there's a whole bunch of gold bags with stuff on top, very pretty stuff. And there's a convention coming in and they got things sticking out of them like presents. And we're walking to our car and I said to myself first, you know, before he gets back, I can have three of those and be at the car. And I said, well, I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to go to the car. And that's it, 36 years of sobriety. That's how fast the thief in me shows back up. I'm walking on water and I stumble and fall on my nose one more time. And that's just how it is for me. So I have to have a program that goes with me on a daily basis because otherwise I'm stealing stuff out of hotels. It doesn't belong to me. Just like I always stole stuff that didn't belong to me. If you set it there without a guard, I presume it was mine. . . . . . . . And that didn't matter whether it was stuff for people. If it was there without a guard, I presumed it was mine. . I've had to make a lot of amends. . . And I've had to really take a whole different, somebody else said at a meeting something really wonderful that was useful for me. And I've always said I am cured of that thing I have recovered from the need to steal. And somebody said, you know, I don't steal. . . . And so before I go up on stage and from tomorrow and say I don't have a record of anything that isn't mine meaning the include me who is the owner of this things that is, you know, working with somebody that has, that's not . . . . . . . . . Why would somebody presume that? But I did. So, you know, it's taken me a long time, but why does that relate to a sixth step? If we're going to be sober, we have to have some serious changes, and I didn't know that when I got here. I didn't have much in the way of what you might call ethical behavior. And by that I mean I had been kind of, what's the word for it? I had a friend in Alcoholics Anonymous when I was fairly newly sober, a gentleman I did not sleep with, and that's at the crux of this. And we were having an AA relationship, and we would go places. He was separated from his wife. He was very supportive. He was very supportive and very encouraging, and I was very concerned because I couldn't figure out why we were having this relationship in the way we were having it. And at one point we were going out to dinner, and you have to realize we didn't have enough money to buy dinner at my house, and I was being taken out for a steak dinner. It was a big deal. And he said to me, you know, Judy, we'd been hanging out for a couple of months, hanging out a lot, and he was really encouraging and good for me. And he said, you know, you probably have wondered why we don't have a physical relationship. Oh, no. It had never occurred to me. What was the answer? You know, and he said something that has stuck with me almost word for word in all the years since. And he said, when I got here, my wife was still married to another man. And we've now been married. We're in the middle of some separation, but she and I have decided to get back together. And I would love nothing better than to have a relationship with you. But you're new, and you need to understand that this is not about you. This is not about you being acceptable or not acceptable. All new people take this. I've done things personally, and I don't want you to do that. He said, but it's about my sobriety. Now, today, he was 24, five years sober. He said, at this time, I can no longer act the way I used to act and expect to stay sober because my sobriety demands a different way of living today than it did when I got here. And that landed on me with so much force because I was so sober. I was so sober. I was so sober. I was so sober. I was so sober. Because I understood what he was saying. And he was keeping us in the right kind of relationship, not just for me. And it wasn't that I wasn't okay. I wasn't suitable. I wasn't whatever enough. Tall enough, thin enough, young enough, pretty enough, enough enough. But it was because you had changed his way of living. And that point was made so clear to me that we have to live differently. And I think this is one of the places where we begin to live differently. And so it's been a powerful step for me, and it's a powerful one for most of the women that I sponsor. And why? You know, it's one little paragraph. If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. So yeah, we've said that willingness is indispensable. But what does it mean? So, you know, we have a couple new people. Maybe I should read this. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I don't know what a defect of character is. What's a defect of character? It becomes a really big question. Is it a propensity to be late? And I was told, well, no. That's a behavior. What's defect of character? What's defect of character? And Bill talks. The bottom in the 12 by 12 is broken instincts. And that really caught my eye. I get broken instincts. I get the fact that something in me is deeply broken and has to be changed. Something in me, somewhere along the line, I have begun to think that I am in charge of my sobriety, by the way. By now, I'm a couple years sober. I'm in charge. I can think my way into sobriety. And it says we have emphasized willingness. Obedience is being indispensable. So my sponsor said. And at this point, I have to say that was Don. Who said this powerful thing about step six. He talked about the fact that what we have to be willing to do is to let God and let God use us in all ways. And that for me to become a vessel. For me to become the person God would have me use. I could no longer. I no longer rely on my old behaviors. And I could not rely even on my own thinking because that too was screwy. Is it objectionable? There are a lot of things in my life that frankly, my defects have never been objectionable. They are, as Don put it, they are my armor. They are the ways in which I've fitted myself to life so that you can't hurt me. They are the ways of my reaction to life so that I am protected. And the decision to do step six is a, it's a two-handed decision. The decision to do step six means that I have to show up with a willingness to let go of some of my very dearest characteristics that I don't even know I've got that are way, way down deep. How do I do that? So it says those, and I'm not going to go into too much detail because I'm not going to go into too much detail. But I'm going to show you some of my defects. You know, as willingness is being indispensable, are we now ready to let God remove from us all those things we have admitted are objectionable? Up to this point, have you admitted that those things are objectionable? Many of us have not. Most of us, I was not. I don't know why this stuff is objectionable. They are my most loved defects. Those are the things I have built. They fit me like a second skin, maybe like a first skin. I let go of those because I'm going to be, if we're successful, more vulnerable. I am going to be without defense from the world. If I am successful, all these things that I think might be objectionable to me in living in a place where I am fit to be of service to God and my fellows, all these are objectionable. So what do I do about it? They're not quite objectionable. So I've been doing this differently over a period of years because in order to do this step, I have to grow a bigger God. It's really at a place where if I could do this by myself, I'd have already done it. You'd have already done it. If we could just sit down and go, today I will be the new and improved version. Today I won't yell at anybody. Today I won't feel like I don't fit. Today I won't be looking for your approval. Today I will know I am okay. Today I won't need a drink. Today I won't lie, cheat, or steal. Today I'm going to be all kinds of things I'm not. So what are my defects of character? Bill talks about them as broken instincts. How do we approach those? So one of the things I've had people do, and just an exercise that we have done, is to look at the work we've done in the four years, and I'm going to give you a few examples. So you go through the fourth and the fifth step, and you keep hearing your own repeated story. What is this repeat thing that we're doing? You know, we keep saying, I did this because I felt like nobody loved me. I did this because I felt like nobody wanted me. I did this to get even. I have revenge. I have all that. The 12 by 12 talks about using the seven deadly sins. That's good, too. But if I can look at not just my behavior, but at the very deep-ended core of things, and begin to walk through them, I begin to have a chance of change. And until I object personally, nothing's changing. And that's the message of this paragraph. Until I object personally, nothing's changing. I have to allow myself to get to a place where I can personally object to my own behavior. I think that's kind of tough stuff. I don't know about you. These are the things I've been leaning on to make me okay. Again, Chris was saying, it's the stuff we thought was the good stuff isn't. And the stuff we thought was the bad stuff is often the best stuff we bring to the table. If we still cling to something, we will not let go. We ask God to help us be willing. Six-step stuff can be really intense. So if I have the, I'm really angry because I don't want to be angry. I don't get invited to the parties. It's a stupid example. Why don't you get invited to the parties? I don't know. The girls don't like me. I don't like being around girls. They never, they betray me. Okay, why would they betray you? I don't know. What are you afraid of? I think I'm going to die alone. Without approval, I think I'm going to die, and I'm going to die alone, and I'm going to die mean, and I'm going to need a drink in order to get from here to there. How am I going to do that? I want to be better. It's such a small thing, but those threads in our tapestry go really deep. I think I'm going to die alone. I think I'm going to die unloved. I think I'll never find something that feels like it has meaning and use in my life. And remember, Bill repeatedly tells us why we do these steps. You know that every one of these steps says, something to the effect that we have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense. We must be considerate of others, not on ourself, and that everything we do is to see how we can be of use to another human being. And everything I've ever done is to protect me from you and justify what I do. So I've got this sixth step, and I'm looking at, yeah, I'm going to die if you don't approve of me. Yeah, so what? What do you mean, so what? Yeah, so is that the worst thing that can happen? No, all the things I imagine, what I've gotten to a place, and I'll just share with you this, it's not in the book, it's just sort of how it has worked for me in some ways, that all of the things that I have been the most afraid of, instead of giving me affirmations about how today is a beautiful day and I'm going to be perfect and wonderful, I love you in the mirror, instead of that, what if I said, yeah, so what if you're alone? Can you get to the bottom of the worst thing you think is true and still find God? Take it all the way to sitting alone on that chair with the thing you fear the most, and that monster turns into a reach out for God, it will never chase you again. Okay? Okay. It's a crazy thing, because we're always trying to prove to each other that these things aren't true. Yes, you're pretty enough, you're good enough, you're fine enough, you're nice enough, you're not too old, you're, you know. We're always trying to prove to each other that the things we believe down in our gut are true. We're trying to prove that they're not true. In fact, what if we accept that that's true? Maybe I'm not the smartest chip on the block. Maybe I'm getting old. I'm older than I was when I got here. And I'm not like that. And I'm not liking that at all. And, but isn't that true? My sponsor said getting old is a process of diminishment. I wanted to throw up. I would rather have an explosion than be diminished, wouldn't you? Ooh. The defects run big, you know. We'd all rather be bad than find ourselves kind of tearing, crying, puking in the dark. You know? We'd all rather be big and bad than something ineffective and small and meaningless. So I get to confront that in my sixth step. And I get to look at what if that's true? What if he left? What if the job isn't okay? What if I can't provide the big house? What if that's true? Can I find God at the base of that thing? And find a way to make my life have meaning with the God of my understanding? That's a really tough question to ask yourself. But I would encourage you to take the thing that eats you alive in the middle of the night and try walking it into a sixth step. What if? This thing that is objectionable can be turned over to the God of our understanding so that I can transcend that and give the whole thing to God. I have the fear. I've had big fears around like getting old and getting infirm. I've had big fears around like getting old and getting infirm. And I have been terrified of needing somebody else to take care of me all of my life. And so I've had like this false independence. And so first both of my knees had to be replaced and then I had to go around with canes and equipment. And then I had to, and then I'm getting older, and then I had to have something else happen. And last year I fell and did a nose plant and broke some parts and I had to again be in a wheelchair. I had to get on the plane in a wheelchair. And it's like this message is do you get it? Are you getting it? Can you have integrity and dignity in the life you were given? However it is, right here, right now. And that's my challenge because I've got to face and look at the things I fear the most. And I fear being having to have someone else take care of me. So I work really hard on being independent. And maybe each year I'll be independent. I'll be independent. I'll be independent. And each one of you has some secret fear. I don't know what it is but I know that one's one of mine. And so I get to show up and find when I can accept help and when it's my job to get my butt to exercise. You know? I mean those are both things at the same time. I'm not hopeless. I'm not helpless. If I need money, get a job. It doesn't relieve me of responsibility. But it says that there is life things happening. And in my finding out what is objectionable. To me. Is it what's objectionable to God? Because sometimes we have to live in God's world not just in our own. And every step that we take. Once I find that this might be objectionable. If I'm clinging to something and I will not let go it says we ask God to help us be willing. And I don't know about you but every time I've gotten to this place. Show me what you would have me look at. Guess what happens? My prayer is answered. And I don't like it. It's like that was it? You know? It's scary. But the prayer is there to use the very best of us. And as Chris said the very worst of us because none of us have a clue what all we bring to the table and how it can be used. We offer ourselves as we are. To be used. To be used. I sponsor quite a bit. And I found that this whole process of trying to be anything other than exactly what you are is a fairly useless exercise. Because what we are is God's kids. No two of us alike. And each one of us a fair source of God's use for another nut. Right? Just some other nut that needs only you to live. And I think that's what we're trying to do. And I think that's what we're trying to do. Right? Just some other nut that needs only you to live. And if we don't show up for that as we are, you know, if I show up as the person I pretend to be, you never get any chance of being the person God would have me be. So how do I give it all up? And I think that's a great deal of getting rid of the armor that protects me from the rest of the world that tries to keep me safe. And, you know, and then I have those tears and my armor gets rusty. You know, all that stuff. It's like really hard to let go and be naked in the truth of what is. So I find six and seven to be probably the most ongoing, powerful steps at looking at my life as my life changes. It's not a one and done thing. Because life keeps offering the next opportunity. At one time it was work issues and maybe it was kid issues and husband issues or ex. You know, it doesn't matter. There's a lot of work. There's always something there. There's always something there. So as we morph along, my sixth step has to look at what are the dishonesties that I'm bringing to the table? Where's my fear again? And how can I be useful to those around me with my own sixth step of looking at my own stuff and facing my own fears? A lot of our sixth step is about fear. I mean, I think the book even says that. It's about all those things that we're afraid of that create all these fears. That we're afraid of that create all kinds of other things that we're afraid of. So in my opinion, we have a seventh step. We have a seventh step prayer that is a fabulous prayer. And some of you may not be ready to say that. But some of you might like to say that. Would anybody like to join me in that? Because I want to today, as we are, to accept the best and the worst of us and give that to the higher power. Give that to the creator. That we can be more effective between ourselves and to those around us. Whether they're in the program or not. You want a book? Or you want, let's just read this. When ready. So take a minute. Take a half a minute. And get ready. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me good and good. I am willing. I am willing to be good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We have now completed step seven. It's the first amend after the third step. And I think in a way this is a prayer to let the old die so that we can let the new come in. Thank you for walking with us. I think we're free until the next session. Thank you. . .