Step 3 – Step-Tember to Remember Workshop – Part 3 of 7 – 2025 – Chad P.

T.J., I'm an alcoholic. Chris talked about fear, and this is definitely fear for me. But I, so if we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can he now take them all, every one? If we still cling to something, we will not let go. We ask God to help us be willing. When ready, we say something like this. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to the people of God. And my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We have now completed step seven. Thanks, T.J. I got a lot of gratitude for this next speaker. Please help me welcome Chad P. from Ocean Grove. Thank you. I came up here earlier and rearranged the podium to my liking. I know I should get rid of this thing, my way. My name's Chad Paine. I'm an alcoholic. It's over since April the 2nd of 2003. And I'm sure grateful to be here. And I'm grateful to be here as a spectator. The speaker is a great speaker. He's a great speaker. I love the speakers today. I love the speakers that I get to speak with today. Thanks for asking me to come, Todd. It's a big deal to get to be here. And I love the crowd. I love the participants at a thing like this. The people that like to show up at the 8 o'clock meeting and talk about what happened in their lives today are not always the people that come to a thing like this. I hope so. I hope that those people are here. But the people that come to this, are the enthusiasts. And I think I heard you say that one time, Chris. And I love being around the enthusiasts. I love being around the people that love AA. Because I love AA. And a lot of it's based on what Nicoletta started with, with that true understanding of powerlessness. And that was an amazing talk. And it's funny. I get to take guys back through the steps a lot these days. A lot of guys. A lot of guys want to come and go back through the steps. And a lot of times, there's a lot of sobriety under their belts when they want to do that. And I do that too. And it's interesting because my first experience with Step 1 when I was getting sober was that I was very disturbed. Step 1 disturbed me. And when these guys today, when we're going, one thing that I've noticed when we're going back through and we're talking about current experience with Step 1, years, and we're talking about the history move from alcohol, they're often very disturbed, just like I am when I think about my current experience with Step 1. And I'll talk about why that is a little later. And Nicoletta's talk disturbed me. It disturbed me. It put me in touch. I remember some of that stuff. My story's different than your story. But the feelings, the despair, the four horsemen, it's the same. It's the same. And Julie's talk. You know, you guys all think it's funny. You know, when she talks about the thing with her skin knee and the neurosis behind it. Just hang out with that for three or four days. The neurosis around the skin knee, you know. I'm never going to be able to bike again. I'm like, oh, God, come on. I'm glad I don't have any of that. You know? It's funny. She talked about taking my line on page 30. It's like, well, actually, it's Bill's line, you know. And then Shannon. Shannon's like, no, it's my line. That was actually mine. And you know, Julie's talk was, that was something special. And I guess I didn't know you were recording these. That's great. And if you guys had to miss those first couple of talks, get the recordings. I mean, that's powerful. So powerful. The team of Julie and Nicolette is something else. And Chris is a hero. You know? I'm going to speak with one of my heroes. I was learning from Chris 15, 20 years ago. I was learning from Chris. You know? And he was talking about things that I didn't understand at all. No idea. You know? I'm like, there's something there. And I was getting some of it. And some of it I wasn't. And then it's funny all the way through. But there's so much power behind that humor. And I can relate so well. And then what we do is we feed everybody pizza and cake. And then we come back and talk about six and something. And then we're like, oh, I'm going to be watching. I'm going to be watching. If I see any eyelids getting heavy, stand up. Come on, move around. I was a teacher for about 15 years. And if kids start acting up in my class or start dozing off, I start to lose their attention. I just talk louder. It's a terrible thing to do. You just go home with a sore throat. It doesn't work. You know? But if you notice I'm talking louder up here, it's probably because I see somebody back there dozing. OK. I want to talk just a little bit about my story. And the story for me, it starts with the spiritual malady. It didn't come on right off the bat. I wasn't a victim of suicidal depression when I was six like Julie was. It seems like she should have told me that by like date three. But I heard it from when she was behind the podium. I'm like, she should have told me. I mean, that would have explained it. I started off pretty good. I remember I grew up in the 80s. It was a great time. We were riding our bikes. It was a small town. The entire county that I grew up in had three traffic lights. It was not like the Northeast. I mean, some of the Northeast did. But I mean, we were spread out. I grew up in Oklahoma. And it was in the 80s. We rode our bikes all over town. I mowed yards to make money. And I was supposed to be home by dark. Mom and I had a different definition of dark. You know? . . . . . . . I've heard someone up here say we had to be home by the time the street lights came on. I'm like, you had street lights? . That's cool. . . . . . . . . . . It wasn't until about seventh grade I started to get uncomfortable. And you guys, and there's always heads that nod at this part. Like, you guys know what I'm talking about. I started to get uncomfortable, started to, there's a voice, like there was a voice that I didn't, you know how you don't hear the tick-tock of the clock until somebody says, can you hear me? And I'm like, I'm not sure what that is. I'm just, can you hear the clock? And then you're like, oh yeah, I hear that now. And that's kind of how that voice was. I didn't even realize it was there until somebody in AA helped me identify that voice. And that voice had been talking to me my whole life. And the voice said things to me like, you're not good enough. Nobody really wants you around. You know, your jokes aren't funny. They're talking about you behind your back. If you were more like this, then you'd be okay. If you, you know, this, and just on and on. . . . And what I found to was a lot of thought about how, how I could be okay. What needs to happen in order for me to be okay. I wasn't acting on any of that stuff because I wasn't going to do anything to make myself better. I just wanted to dwell on it. You know, and that voice, over time it got, it was there more often and it got louder and louder. And I was given a great gift that, you know, the funny thing about that stuff is it really wasn't true. When I look back on my experience, it wasn't true. I had a lot of friends. And I had a lot of fun. I grew up in an alcoholic home. And in the early years, that was a blast. I mean, it was fun, you know. Like, I remember grandma and grandpa drinking and dancing out in the yard with music playing. And my stepdad had all his friends over on the weekends betting on football. Had different TVs set up in the house. And I'm delivering beers. And everybody's having a great time. And then, you know, it's just like any alcoholic home. And then everybody wasn't having a great time. And then there was a lot of fights and chaos and a lot of crazy stuff. But the truth is, man, all that stuff that my head was telling me was I did well in school. I played sports. I had friends. We had fun. My head was lying to me. You know, it was lying to me. And I don't really know why. But it got to a place where I was just really uncomfortable all the time. Really didn't like myself and really wished that I could just disappear but so desperately wanted to fit in. And then I disappeared. I discovered alcohol. And that changed everything. And it's not like I took a few drinks and then I thought, ooh, they do want me around. I didn't care. A few drinks in and I did not care. Like me, don't like me. I don't care. And it wasn't a conscious thought. It was just my experience. I just didn't care anymore. My head shut up. It didn't completely shut up. But a lot of it shut up, you know. And the closest thing that I had ever and for a long time ever experienced was that, you know, to a spiritual experience, was I don't care. That's a big deal, you know. That's not what being spiritually awake is. But it kind of looks like that. And it was real close for me. And that's what alcohol did for me. Funny thing is, though, that's not what makes me alcoholic, as was said earlier, you know. That's not it. That's the spiritual malady. That's the thing that says, yeah, Chad, you're an alcoholic and yeah, alcohol is a big problem. But. But sober sucks. That's what the spiritual malady really is. That's what's important. It's that for many of us, I'm not sure that all of us are this way. I know that all the guys I sponsor, all the people in AA I hang out with are kind of this way where just being sober, sobriety is not the answer to alcoholism. And it's funny. I look at the difference in Bill and Dr. Bob. I'm no historian. I kind of like to group people in AA into two groups. We've got the Bills and the Dr. Bobs. Let's just look at this. Here's what Dr. Bob says about his early years in sobriety. It's a most wonderful blessing to be relieved of the terrible curse with which I was afflicted. My health is good and I've regained my self-respect and respect of my colleagues. My home life is ideal. Really? Good for you. And my business is as good as can be expected in these uncertain times. Let's look at Bill's experience. What does Bill say here? Bill says, that's not it, here we go. Bill says, I was not too well at the time. I was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to dream. You know, I was not too well at the time. I was not too well at the time. Bill struggled. And you know, it's interesting. I just learned a little bit. Like I said, I'm no historian, but I learned a little bit about the history. And Bill experienced a lot of trauma as a kid. You know, he was born behind the bar at the, no, I always say that, at the Wilson house at the hotel. His mom left when he was a kid. Dad left first, then his mom left. He was raised by his grandparents. You know, that just all comes out really easy. But those of us that have had some of those experiences, we know what we're talking about here. And you know, there was a lot going on then. And today it would probably be, it would be a lot of labels on it, you know, today. But Bill went through. And then check this out. Bill's in high school and he's an awkward kid. He really struggles with trying to fit in and all that stuff. And he feels like he's not enough. And he's trying to be the best at everything so he can be enough, you know, and then he falls in love and that fixes everything. Anybody ever fall in love and it fixed it all? It happens in surprise. Yeah. And you know, that rarely happens when we're drinking because it's already fixed, you know, but but when we're so we need something to fit and fall in love that Bill fell in love and it fixed it all. And then she died. She straight up died. He comes back to school after a break and the headmaster or whatever you call principal comes up to him and says, hey, so and so died during the break. I mean, that's crazy, you know, and Bill's. And so I like to think that in AA, some of us are Dr. Bob's and some of us are Bill's. And I thought I was a Dr. Bob. You know? I'm not come out some more in this talk. But but, you know, some of us really, really, really struggle without alcohol. And and some of us really struggle even with a spiritual awakening. You know, there are some people that come into AA and they and they surrender and they work the steps and they have a spiritual awakening and they meet someone and and and they get married, they buy a house and they have kids and they live happily ever after. You know, rock on. Then there's the rest of us. We come in, we surrender, we work the steps, we have a spiritual awakening and it's game on. You know, welcome to living a sober life. And if there's anybody in here where you're like, what the hell is wrong with me? Why is this guy with two years living this great life? And he started all these and like I here I am with ten years and I'm struggling like a newcomer. It's OK. You know, you're you're you're surrounded by a lot of other Bill W types, you know? And I'm struggling like a newcomer. It's OK. You know, you're you're you're surrounded by a lot of other Bill W types, you know? Yeah, there's a lot of us in here. And what I hope to talk about today is going to kind of kind of tie into that. But why don't we talk? So what makes me I'm not even going to get into what makes me alcoholic. Just to tell you that I have it. I have when I drink, I lose control and bad things happen. I suffer a lot of consequences. And I finally reached the point where I said, that's enough. I can't control this. I can't manage it. I had this bad wreck. I'm in the hospital. We're at the turning point. I've never used the language. Turning point. But I read it in the big book and I was like, I've been at the turning point. And here I was at the turning point. And I had my first surrender to alcohol. And here's what it looked like. Dad, I'm not ever going to drink again. Mom, I'm never going to drink. Tell my wife, never going to drink again. I made that firm commitment. I didn't just I wouldn't just say it to him so they'd get off my back. This time I meant it. I meant business this time. I'm never going to do the first time I'd ever said I'm never going to drink again. I'm going to stop partying. I'm going to stop hanging out with those. I'm going to quit work and construction and go back to school. I'm going to be a good father and a good husband and a good son and a productive member of society. But I know now I get it. It's got to start with not drinking because the drinking is the problem. I can see that clearly. So I quit drinking and I spent a month in the hospital and I had all this stuff repaired, my hip and shoulder and jaw and everything. And I got out of the hospital. And things were set up and I had, you know, it's going to be good. And I lasted two days. And two days later, you know, I'm on a walker. My jaws are wired shut. And I'm out all night drinking whiskey and smoking meth off tinfoil. You know, that's how long I last when I really mean business. And that began the quitting years. And I quit many times. And the next couple of years, I quit drinking a lot. And what would happen for me is I would realize that I'd overreact. I changed my mind. I changed my mind. This was, yeah. And, you know, this quitting thing was a good idea. And then a few hours later, it was a bad idea. Why then do we talk so much about the spiritual malady? It seems to be a big important piece when we're talking about this. And kind of the way that I look at it today is like, if we don't attack this physical allergy with a physical solution, what that would mean is what we all dreamed of is that we would come to AA and AA would tell us how to control our drinking. It's a big disappointment. It's not what we do here. But then also this mental condition that we suffer from that guarantees this, when I quit, I'm going to pick up again, you know. We don't really attack that with a mental defense. That's the change people, places, and things. That's the make a firm commitment. That's the self-help that works for most drinkers, you know. That, as a matter of fact, it even happens in AA. That's the just don't drink no matter what and go to meetings, which is a great strategy unless you're alcoholic. And then it's really ineffective. For long. I mean, it'll work right up until it doesn't work anymore. But what we do is we attack the spiritual malady with a spiritual solution. That's what we do in here, and that's why this stuff is so important. And that's why there are so many other 12-step fellowships that deal with all different kinds of things, and it's the same steps. The steps aren't about drinking. The steps are a spiritual solution to a spiritual malady. And that's why it works for so many different people. I went to a little treatment center. They told me to go to meetings. I would imagine somebody told me to work the steps. Probably. But I was kind of, you know, wah, wah, wah. I didn't hear that part. But what I did hear was go to meetings, get involved, show up early, stay late. I did all that. I got out of that little treatment center, and I got involved. I showed up early, and I stayed late, and I hung out. And I loved you guys. I loved AA when I got. I loved it really quickly. It didn't take long because there were a lot of people there that had the same experiences that I had and that seemed to be sober and happy, and that was incomprehensible to me. You know, the last thing I wanted to do was go through life sober and, you know, working 9 to 5 and coming home and watching the news, going to bed early. Whoo! That's what sober is, right? Which is what I do. I don't watch the news, but I go to bed early. So my entire program of recovery is based on this. This is my strategy. This is how we're doing this. I wake up late in the morning because I'm very irresponsible, and I show up at work. If I'm on time, I'm 20 minutes late. If I'm late, I show up at noon. That's kind of how I, you know. Some call it self-centered. I don't know. I get off work, get cleaned up, go to a meeting. But I don't just go to a meeting. First, I go pick up a couple of friends. We hang out for a little while. We go get a bite to eat. We go to the meeting. We do our thing, you know, whatever. It's a clubhouse full of people kind of doing the same kind of program I'm doing pretty much. It's a revolving door. People coming in and out, in and out, in and out, because there's no program in place, and we don't know what we're doing. I chair meetings. I set up chairs. I clean out ashtrays. After the meeting, we all hang out. You know, go to the Waffle House and, you know. You know, it's fun. We have a lot of fun doing that. But what starts happening is I start to develop some real problems with this. I start not liking you guys so much. You start to bug me. I'm starting to see a lot of your character defects and your self-centeredness. And it's not intentional. It's just things are changing. The same people aren't here anymore. I don't like that. I remember back when it was this guy and this guy. We were having fun. Now it's, you know, this new generation. I don't even have a year yet. I'm talking about this new generation of people in this clubhouse. And, like, there's this drunk guy coming in sharing, like, all the time. Like, what are we doing? Why do we have drunk people in AA, you know? And then there's this one guy, and he's probably going to, you know, share again about his divorce or about, you know, whatever. And I'm just tired of it, man. I'm tired of it. I'm starting to change home groups a little bit. You know, and it's tough because I have to go to a meeting every night because my sobriety depends on it. You know, that's what my sobriety is. I can stay sober one more day. If the meeting's good, I go home feeling good and go to bed. Then I can get through another day. But the problem is the meetings weren't good every time anymore. As a matter of fact, the good ones were few and far between. I'm getting tired of it, and I'm ready to go, and I've made a decision. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave AA. And then this, I'm not going to drink because I know today, I've learned enough in AA to know that sobriety is the most important thing in my life. That's what they taught me in the AA I was going to, and I was teaching others your sobriety's got to be the most important thing. By the way, it's not. It doesn't, but that's what I knew at the time. It is kind of important to stay sober, but that's what I was teaching. And I'm not going to drink. I'm ready to leave. And this guy shows up at the meeting. His name's Dave. He moved from Las Vegas and he shows up at this meeting and I'm going to have this, you know, I'm chairing the meeting. So after the meeting, I'm going to talk to him a little bit. And cause he's new and maybe, you know, welcome him and all that and go hang out with my friends. And what happened is that little introduction turned into about a two hour conversation on the front steps of that clubhouse. And what happened in that two hour conversation is, is Dave 12 stepped me and he used his experience. To explain alcoholism in a way that I could line it up with my experience and see that I was in a lot more trouble than I thought I was in. Cause I didn't know. I just didn't know. I somehow after almost a year of going to pretty much a meeting every day. And sometimes if I didn't feel like going to work, I'd go like five meetings in one day, which seems like a spiritual practice to me. I had a friend I'd call up and he was willing to miss work too. I'm like, let's go. Let's make the rounds today. We'd show up to two meetings kind of late, but we could do five in a day. So what I realized in that conversation was, um, uh, I'm, I might not stay sober. What I realized is that, that, that I have, uh, I have alcoholism. And what that means is I don't really get to decide whether or not I pick up another drink. What that means is I can stay sober right up until the next day. I can't stay sober. What that means is every day that I'm not living on this spiritual basis, whatever that means, I'm just rolling the dice. Maybe today's the day I drink. Maybe it's not, you know, and, uh, and, and I didn't like it. I was very disturbed in that conversation. He didn't share his experience, strength and hope. What he shared with me was hopelessness, which turns out it's the biggest gift I could give anyone. You know, I'm fast forward a little bit. I'm not going to get there yet, but I moved down to August. And I kind of learned that later on that the greatest gift I can ever give someone is to use my experience to explain alcoholism in a way that they can lay it up against their experience and see that they have a hopeless, progressive, fatal case of alcoholism. Because if a guy realizes that and there's a solution laying around somewhere, he's going to latch on to it. Well, you have the best solution in the world. If a guy doesn't realize he's got a hopeless, progressive, fatal case of alcoholism, he's not going to be that interested in a solution. I don't know if you guys know this or not, but there's stuff in that solution I don't really want to do. So, uh, I'm very disturbed in this conversation and, and I'm sitting, I'm like, God, why did I talk to this guy? And he lets me sit because he's done this before and he knows what he's doing. I didn't realize that at the time. I saw him do the same thing to a couple more guys. I'm like, that's what you do. You did to me. And, uh, he said, Chad, I think I know what you need. I'm like, what, Dave? He said, I think you need a spiritual awakening as a result of the stash. Oh, something like a switch flipped or something, you know? Cause like I knew those steps. I read them in the, I even had the reading memorized because I went to a lot of meetings, right? I was like, I'll read. It'll give me a little attention. I'm happy to read. Yeah. And, uh, and we, we've sort of working the steps and, you know, guys, I was atheist. I used to say agnostic. I really think I was atheist. I didn't, it's not some resentment I had against the church. I just thought the whole God thing was just so stupid. I thought it was so dumb and I couldn't believe that anybody believed this stuff. And I'm like, you're a grownup and you're talking about hell. Really? That's how I felt about the whole thing. And that, that was my, you know, and that's, that's what I brought in. But, but I tell you what, I, I worked. I worked the steps, but I didn't work the steps because I believed in God. I didn't work the steps because I believed in AA. I worked the steps because I believed in alcoholism. And in doing that, I had an experience with a God I didn't believe in. And, um, and that changed everything. It changed everything. I'm going to fast forward a little bit. And I moved down to Austin, Texas with a few years sober. And, uh, and, and that's around the time I started hearing guys like Chris. And I was, I was, uh, I, I ended up, you know, went down there. Reluctantly. I didn't want to go. Part of the deal, my daughter moved down there and part of my amends to her was to go down and help raise her as part of the amends to her mother. And, and, um, and I was like, yeah, I'll do it. You know, it's going to suck, but I'm sure the AA here is terrible. And it was, I was going to places and nobody was doing it right. Some of you guys have moved before too. And then somehow, I don't really know how this happened. I remember a couple of days. I remember a couple of different events. I don't remember exactly the order they happened in, but I heard this guy, Charlie Parker speak at this thing and I met his wife, Katie and, and, um, and, and then I somehow went down to primary purpose group and, and, um, and next thing I know, primary purpose group is my home group and we're studying the big book on a level that I just didn't, I just couldn't even grasp. I mean, it was what, what we were getting out of the big, but what the people are, I mean, we, I was, you know, what, what, what people around me were probably not going to be pulling out of this book was nothing like what I'd gotten out of it before. Just, just reading it on my own or with a couple other guys. And, and, um, and then next thing I know I'm sitting at Charlie's table and, and, uh, and that was when Mark Houston was still with us and, and, and Charlie had started that meeting to expose his sponsees to Mark and, and, and I got Charlie sitting here and Mark sitting here and the other guy sitting around the table and, and, um, and what did I got chills right now? Every time I talk about it. I get chills. What had happened is God had scooped me up and put me in the middle of some AA and, and, and I, I'm not a, by no means am I a circuit speaker, but I do get to travel a little bit and I get to talk about this. I, um, and I, I feel very privileged to get to stand up in front of people and talk about this. And, and I've had so many people say to me, wow, you were there. You were really there. I didn't want to be there. Charlie made me come. He was real good at manipulating you into doing things. You know, I had a Thursday night home group. It was on the UT campus. There were cute 19 year old girls there. I mean, what am I doing at this table? You know, I was younger than I am now. Okay. It's not as bad as it seems. I learned some things and, and, and, you know, so many things, so many things that, that I learned while I was there. I looked, Mark would talk so much about the, the, the strict spiritual disciplines of steps 10 and 11. You know, I remember thinking that you wouldn't call them strict spiritual disciplines. We might do them, you know, but, but, but he talked about, he talked about, he talked about going, being very consistent and going deep in this, not just phoning it in, not just, you know, just, you know, just, you know, just, you know, just, you know, just, just praying. Cause they told me to pray that not just God, please keep me sober today and thank him at night. You know, it was a little deeper than that. We're trying to do a little more and follow the, it's funny. One of, one of Charlie's other, uh, sponsees one time he was sharing kind of when a group of us were at this place at this conference and he said, talked about doing advanced AA and we're like all cringe and like, we'll see advanced day. And then he goes, turns out advanced AA is really basic. You just follow the instructions in the book, you know? And that's what I was learning. And I was learning about, it turns out if you follow the instructions, on steps 10 and 11, it's quite a spiritual practice. And it's right here in the, in the original book, you know, it's kind of, it's kind of crazy. I didn't know. I didn't know. Um, I learned a lot about, about how to, how to transmit that message to a newcomer. I learned a lot about actively sponsoring, you know, I thought this was a program of attraction, not promotion. You hand out your phone number and then you wait on the guy to call you and hopefully he'll ask you to sponsor him. And I told him that. And they were telling me I needed more sponsors. I'm like attraction, not promotion. And they're like, that's the 11th tradition, not the 12th step. Chad, that's our public relations policy. Our 12th step policy is to go find people to work with or you're going to die. And you know, so, so anyway, I got busy doing that stuff and they talked about continuous inventory. You know, when's the last time you wrote a four step? I'm like more than one. What? You know, we talked about continuing. Mark would talk a lot about continuing to work these steps. And, um, uh, and, and, and then he said, he talked, you know, about making all our amends. You know, a guy, remember a guy at the table had, had, uh, was like, man, I bought it. He's a musician. I bought this new bass guitar. And Mark goes, did you ever pay back that money to so-and-so? And he goes, no, man, I haven't. And Mark goes, she just stole from him again. Like that's harsh, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm getting to the part of this that my talk is on. I just got, what, about 90 minutes left, so. So what I learned a lot about was the third step and the sixth and seventh step. And, um, and, and, and I, I thought the third, what I thought the third step was, was, was basically a decision and a prayer, the decision to move on with the rest of the steps, say a prayer that, you know, say this little prayer and then move on to the rest of the steps. And, um, and, and I thought that six and seven were just. Again, I've got a list of character defects like self-pity, self-righteous, pride. And then I was just going to read that list to God in case he can't read. Read that list to God and then pray that he would remove this stuff and then move on with the next step because this one was really pointless. So we'll move on to the next one that seems to be important. And what I want to share with you today is what I learned then and then some of what I've learned over the last few years with current experience on this stuff. I went to a... Well, okay, so here's the first thing I learned that I can remember that was so important here is that what I find out in step... First off, nobody comes to AA. This has already been said, but I want to say it again. Nobody comes to AA and says, I'm so self-centered, please help me. Right? I've said that from a lot of podiums and still had nobody say it. That's what I said. Nobody said that. And I don't know why we're even talking about it. At the time, I don't know why. And I'm learning this stuff. And like Charlie used to say, you know, I'm afraid my guys think I only know three pages out of the big book. And it's like, well, yeah, those are the ones you always... But I was learning how to take guys through pages 60 to 62 and then move on into the third step prayer. I was learning that stuff. And then guys would start hitting, why are we talking about this? And I'm like, not real sure. And I posed that question at the table one night. And I said, what's this got to do with drinking? Guys want to know what it has to do with drinking. And a guy says, it's got nothing to do with drinking. And it hit me. It all hit me then. And the way that I see this today is step one tells me I have a hopeless, progressive, fatal illness called alcoholism and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. Step two says there is a solution and it's a spiritual awakening. God consciousness, a relationship with God. That's the solution. And step three says you can't have it. Why can't I have it? Well, it's not because you're drinking. You can't have it because you're living a life on the basis of self-will. That's why you can't have it. And that's what step three introduces me to. And it's pretty important. And I want to read a couple of lines that talk about how important it is. When Evie took Bill through the steps as they were at the time, which is more Oxford Group stuff than AA stuff, but it's what our steps were based on. Evie told Bill, hey buddy, when you do these things, you're going to enter upon a new relationship with your creator. You're going to have the elements of a way of living which will answer all your problems. Okay, I'm into that. A new relationship with my creator, yeah, that's kind of cool. You know, I'm still kind of agnostic. Because I think... I think that's who I am, right? The elements of a way... I've got a lot of problems. I need the elements which will answer all my problems. On the next page it goes on to say, it's simple but not easy. A price had to be paid. What's that price? What's the price you have to pay for this relationship with my creator and a way of living that answers all my problems? It says it meant destruction of self-centeredness. If I want a new relationship with my creator, I have to destroy self-centeredness. And then over on page 62, it's probably my favorite line in the book. It says, above everything... Well, Charlie said to me when he was reading these pages to me, he said, above everything, we alcoholics must stop drinking vodka. I'll pause. That's not what it says. I'm just making sure you're paying attention. He wasn't making sure. He was making a point. The point that he was making is, it's not above everything we must stay sober. Sober is a byproduct of a relationship with God. Right? Okay. But what's interesting to me is it doesn't say above everything we alcoholics must find God or have a spiritual awakening or become conscious of the presence of God or all the other language that the book uses. It doesn't say that. It says we must be rid of this selfishness. This selfishness. The selfishness that Julie was talking about. So what I know today is that if I want God consciousness to go up, self-will has to go down. That's the only way it works. That's why a guy like me that doesn't believe in God can have a spiritual awakening. Because it's not about believing in God. It's about the decrease of self or the way Julie was putting it, is as I stop identifying with self, I become more naturally who I am. I become more Chad. Well, not Chad. Chad's self. I don't know there's not a word for it. But I become who I really am. Maybe how about this? An expression of my Creator. That's what happens as self goes down or as I stop identifying with self. The natural flow of God consciousness. That's my birthright as a human being. That's where I'm supposed to live. Right? That's what I get to do. And that's what happens. So it's a program. It's a program of undoing, not doing. That's what AA does. Julie calls it a program of destruction. So now, the reason that I'm talking about that is because when we move into steps 6 and 7, what we're really doing, the first time I did the third step, I didn't know much. I didn't know much about self-will. Nobody really talked about it. We just talked about this. But when I got down to Austin, what I learned is that there's information on pages 60 to 62 that make me really want to take the third step. I get introduced to the failure of self-will. I learned that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. That's what I learned. So I'm ready to take this third step. But when I move into 6 and 7, it's a little different now. Because it's not pages 60 to 62 convincing me. It's my inventory now. Now it's personalized. Now it's not just any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. It's my life run on self-will can hardly be a success. It's personalized for me now. Now I've got a whole new willingness to do this. Because it's not just that it's objectionable that this guy is an actor trying to play the director. Now it's objectionable on how I'm the actor trying to do this. Trying to do this. Play the director. And as my buddy Mike calls it, it's the third step with teeth. Isn't that? Mmm. You know. But what we do here, and I'm so glad Chris covered the hour. You know, that's a hard thing to cover in a step four and five talk. And after I've answered these questions in this hour, which by the way, the first time I read this, I was like, an hour? And there's not, if you just read this, there's like, not a lot to do in this hour. But I remember that was one of the experiences that I have with Mark that was so powerful was when he talked about that hour one night. And I told Charlie, my direct words to Charlie was, I understood about 10% of what he said and that 10% revolutionized the hour. You know, and he talked a lot about that. You know, what have we done so far and what are we bringing to God in six and seven? And then, I get over here, and this, this is where I think this is funny. I don't know if anybody else does it. But it says here, if we can answer these questions in this hour to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. And this is where it gets good. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objective? Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. Can He now take them all? Yes. Every one. Yes, I said I'm ready. You don't have to ask again. I'm ready. If we still cling to something, we will not let go. We ask God to help. Why would I need to ask God? I have just spent hours talking about how this stuff doesn't work for me and how miserable it makes me and how much it harms the people around me. I don't want it anymore. Get rid of it. Why wouldn't I be ready? Of course I'm ready. And the truth is, I'm not ready. I'm not ready. If I ever rewrite the Big Book, collective groan, if I ever do, don't read it. Stick with this one. But if I did, I would rename character defects because I thought that my character defects were problems. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? What? Why? Why? Why? Why? why? to fix this. And it's just backwards. That's all it is. It's just backwards. What God's asking me to do is focus on your internal condition, Chad, because there's plenty there we need to change. And your external circumstances will be a reflection of your internal condition. It's spiritual law. That's the way it actually works. So I'm trying to, I'm a victim of the delusion that I can rest satisfaction and happiness if I just manage well. If I just manage all this way. What do you mean delusion? You're telling me that if I get everything to go my way, I still won't be happy and satisfied? Yeah, that's what we're saying. That's a delusion. That's a delusion. I'll tell you how it works. It works like this. Either I don't get things to go my way and then I can't be happy, or I do get things to go my way and now I'm happy for about 10 minutes. And then I need something else. Right? And that's how I live. And it's the only way I know to live. And it's exhausting. Best case scenario, it's exhausting. Best case scenario, I get everything arranged. I get everything arranged my way and I am worn out from all the effort I've been putting in. And best case scenario, it doesn't happen that often. Most of the time, the show doesn't come off very well. I used to call Charlie and say, Hey man, can I do a 10 step with you? And he goes, let me guess, the show didn't come off very well. I'm like, nope. Sure didn't. So these character defects, what they are, they are the tools that I use. I use to arrange life. They're the walls that I build to protect me. And I need them. I need them. And I'll tell you why I need them. Because first off, I'm not okay. Second, I'm all alone. Third, there is no God. And fourth, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough. There's probably five or six or seven, I don't know. But that's a good thing. That's enough, right? That's enough for a start. That's what I'm working with. That's what I'm working with. And then it's real important that I keep myself safe and protected by building these walls that I arrange life in a way that suits me by using these tools. And I need them. I'm going to give you a real simple example from early sobriety. I was a liar. Big time liar. Lied all the time. And it was not helping me build meaningful relationships with other people in recovery. Now in the criminal world that I lived in before I got sober, lying was a useful tool. But it wasn't just that. Because lying will get you out of trouble, right? I need lying because I get in trouble a lot. And I need to get out of trouble. I show up late for work, car broke down. I remember my boss one time said to me, seems like you can leave early on Friday every weekend to drive three hours back home to see the car. See the family. But you can't make it to work Tuesday morning because your car broke down again. I sure did. It's weird, isn't it? I need lying to get me out of trouble. Lying is a tool that I use to get me out of trouble. I also use lying to get you to like me. Anybody ever tell that story that actually happened, just not to you? It's a great story. I used to tell it all the time. The whole thing about stealing from Amazon is unfair. She's like, stealing from Amazon. Everybody's like, how do you steal from Amazon? And she goes, you know those shady returns? Like that Halloween costume? Yeah. I use dishonesty in all its different forms. That's how I protect myself. That's how I get my way. I'll give you another example. And this one's... This one's, you know, Julie and I, we're in round three of a 12-year relationship. And we've had a lot of struggles in our relationship. And when I say round three, I mean there were some lengthy breakups in the middle there. It's been a struggle at times, to say the least. In round one and about half of round two, we fought a lot. There was a lot of fighting. And it would start with she's unhappy with something that I'm doing or my ex-wife is doing or something. Like she would be upset about something. And I take it personally. Because if you're upset, there's obviously something wrong with me. So what I would do is I would explain to her the truth about this situation. And expecting her to go, oh, okay, all good now. Let's go back to having fun. But she wouldn't. She wouldn't go back. She would still be upset. So I would re-explain. And she's still not getting it. So then I would explain it. But this time I would raise my voice a little bit. And next thing you know, and guys, this is not cool. And I love to be in AA where we can laugh about these things. But I would slam my hand on the table. I would throw something across the house. I would yell in her face. There's a lot of us. And then we'd have this big fight. And she'd be crying. And I'd leave the house walking down the road. Because I'd learned I've got to separate myself from the situation. Then I'm like my senses. I kind of come back to my senses. And I'm like, oh, God. You did it again. You did it again. It's rage. A character defect called rage. And I have that in me. I'm reading a book now on the Enneagram. And it turns out the type that I am has suppressed anger or rage, repressed rage or whatever. I was telling Julia. And she's like, yeah, yeah, you got it. If you ever think you're really cool, like read that book. You'll find out that nothing you do is cool. It's all damaged goods. And I'm walking. I'm like, God, I've got to call my sponsor. We're going to pray for our inventory. This sucks. And she's in there crying. And I love her more than anything in the world. And she's in there crying because of my actions. I hate myself right now. I'd like to throw myself off a bridge. I'm so ashamed. I feel so bad about what I've done. And I love that Julie talked about that. You know, like we have some kind of idea that fear and shame are so terrible. If fear and shame stimulate growth, they're great. They're great. Shame is a natural human thing. Maybe the level some of us feel it at is not natural. But the fact that it's there is a natural. It's supposed to motivate us to change. If it does. If it doesn't, it's useless. It makes things worse. But thank God we have a solution now where we can bring it to this solution. And I would feel so bad. And why do I do this? Why do I? Well, I found out why I do it after writing a lot about it. I found out the reason that I blow up like that is because it shuts it down. It's over. When I do that, it's done. Now, it may not be done if Julie's. My size. You know, she might punch me in the mouth. I don't know. But in that situation, it shuts it down. I remember Charlie had a guy saying one time a guy saying to him, like, I don't know why I shoved my wife around. I just can't control my temper. And he's like, well, if you're, you know, in a little tussle with some banditos, can you control your temper? And he's like, yeah, I can control it. You know. Yeah. All this stuff is stuff that I think I need somewhere deep down that I that I and I'm using it. And it's important. And here's the deal. I just don't want the consequences anymore. I don't want to suffer the consequences. It's not that I it's not that I really want to surrender it. I just want to manage it better. Does that remind you of something? Does that remind you of something we talked about in step one called alcohol? It's very similar. So finally, you know, I remember. I remember when I quit smoking in early sobriety, my sponsor at the time was like, yeah, I quit smoking when I had about the same amount of time as you. And I'm like, how'd you do it? You know, it took me about a year to quit. And he said, well, I made a deal with God. I'm like, OK, what does that mean? And he said, the deal I made with God was, God, I won't pick up another cigarette if you'll make sure I'm OK without them. I think that applies to character defects. God, I'll quit lying if you'll make sure I'm OK, even if they don't like me. God, I'll quit blowing up to the woman that I love if you'll make sure I'm OK, even if I have to sit through it. I'll quit having an uncomfortable conversation and feel those feelings. You know, that kind of thing. So that's the question. Am I looking for relief or freedom? Am I trying to manage this or am I surrendering it? That's what it really comes down to. You know, and surrender is scary. It's a whole new level of God reliance. It's really hard to surrender my character defects when deep down I believe there's no God. That's a tough thing. And I need you. I need you guys for that. We stick together. You know, I'm one of those guys that talks about how meetings don't treat alcoholism. Thank God I get to spend a significant amount of my life in meetings with you guys because I need you because we go through this together. Thank God for that. But meetings don't treat alcoholism. So now I'm faced with the next obstacle. Just a pretty minor obstacle here. OK. No more lying. Not going to lie all day. I'm not lying all day long today. By 10 a.m. I'm on line number four. So now I'm up against powerlessness. Right. But experience it. Anybody ever work on your character defects? I'll take it by the laughter that it didn't go well for you either. I say didn't as if it's a total past tense thing. I work on my character defects all the time and it does not work. I can hang in there for just a little while. Lack of power is my dilemma. Once again, lack of power. My job is not the removal of the character defects. My job is to write the inventory, read it to somebody, take this stuff to God and then go out and make my amends and live in 10 and 11 and carry this message. And what happens is with the awareness and the action following that I've done my job, God's job is removal. That's God's job. If I want. My life to change. I have to change. That's just kind of flows right out of the mouth. Real simple. No, listen, check this out. I want my life to change. But I don't. I don't want to change. I just want my life to change because change is hard. Change means I'm wrong. And I need to change. See, there's no way. To get a new. My life is always going to be a reflection of who I am. Always. I just want to say bad things don't happen to good people. Yes, I know that's true. But in general, in a general way, my life is going to be. So so I need to change. But the thing is, I can't change myself. All I can do. Is do the work here to place myself in a position to be changed. To live in a state of surrender. To do the best I can to live in a state of surrender. And in a state of surrender. I'm malleable. You know, God won't change me without my consent. It's free will. I don't have to change. I'll get some nudges, you know, but I really believe it's me. It's me. The real me nudging. Self to change. I'm not going to change. How do I place myself in a position to be changed? It's not rocket science. It's right here. The first thing I do is I go out and start cleaning up the damage that I've caused based on these character defects and old ideas. Start cleaning up all that collateral damage. You know, because that's what it is. I didn't set out to hurt anybody. I was just trying to do what I got to do to get what I think I need to be okay. And people got hurt in the process. You know. Now, don't go make your amends and say, hey, listen, you're just collateral damage. Take full responsibility. And anybody, anytime anybody's hurt me, that's been the same thing. It's collateral damage. You know, Julie and I have both hurt each other quite a bit. We've caused a lot of harm to each other in our relationship, but we never meant to do that. It's the last thing we ever want to do. That's the power of old ideas and character defects. You know. I'm powerless over this stuff. And then, live in 10 and 11. You know. Live a spiritual life. That's the importance of this stuff. To be in that state of surrender as best I can so that God can change me on a continual basis. That's a gift, you know. So, in step seven, we come to God in a new way. And I got some old ideas that kind of trip me up on this. And like, for instance, I got to get this straightened out before I come to God. Or that somehow, I can avoid the darkness and become one with my Creator. But what I understand today is the only way I can show up to God is who I am. And often when I'm coming to God, it's because I'm a mess. And the only path there is through the darkness. There's no way to avoid it. The old ideas and the character defects are in there. And the only way that I can grow closer to God, if that's even possible, the only way I can grow more conscious of the presence of God is to walk through that darkness and face all those character defects. I've been working with this idea. I've been taking a lot of people back through the steps lately. We've been talking about the perfect storm. The perfect storm. Current experience with step one. And what that looks like is this. First off, when I walked in the door, I was under no delusion that I'm like other people. Nobody was surprised Chad showed up in AA. Like, hey, I've gone to AA. Thank God. It's about time. But what happens is I stay sober while I work this program. I began to be showered with the gifts of sobriety. A big full life. You know, for many of us, it's we start a business. Or we go back to school. We got a career. We have families and buy things and have payments and are involved in all these other things. Involved in AA and the service structure and doing all these things. Got this big full life. And in that big full life, a couple things happen. Number one, I get real busy. I don't have a lot of time for this stuff. I don't have a lot of time for AA because I'm so busy in AA. Right? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. But all these gifts have kind of started to make me look like other people. And I'm just sort of falling under the delusion I'm like other people. If you say, Chad, are you alcoholic? I'll say, yeah, I'm still alcoholic. That's a stupid question. When's the last time you rode inventory? I'm not really sure. I thought alcoholics had to ride inventory. What about the prayer and meditation? How's that? Well, I still do it, you know. It's pretty mechanical. What about those amends you didn't finish? Well, I'll get to them when I have more time and money. Sounds to me like you forgot your alcoholic. Have you fallen under the delusion? Is the delusion no longer smashed? Forget it. It's seductive. It's very seductive. But there's another piece to this that's interesting. Because it's around this time when we start to get those gifts of sobriety, we're working and things start happening, and we get a full life and get busy, and there's a crying kid keeping you up at night or whatever. And then around that time is when the deep-seated character defects start to come to the surface. The ones that cause me to yell at the woman I love. I don't want to face that stuff. There's a reason we give out a whole lot more five-year chips than 20-year chips. Something happens there in that mid-range sobriety where there's a lot of stuff going on. You've got a big book thumper pounding this book and carrying the message. Like, I love the way Julie puts it. She's like, I can't imagine why these people would drift. I'm so grateful for what I got today. You know, how many of you, you know, there was a time when you were waking up, thank God I'm sober today. How long does that last? Maybe a year, maybe two, some of us three. I don't know. With 22 years, I almost never wake up grateful I'm sober. I can get there. Thank God for step 11. But I don't wake up in the morning going, another sober day, whoo. So I look like other people. I've got a full busy life. It's stressing me out. Now there's some deep, dark character defects coming to the surface. It's the perfect storm. It's the perfect storm. And whenever we go back through the steps in step one, we'd better be disturbed. Because that's going to carry me through. You know? I love the way this has come together today. So the last thing I want to say, I'm going to close with this. On page 133, there's actually another reading on 117 I want to throw out there because I'm really starting to like it too. On page 133, it says, Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate its omnipotence. Don't manufacture your own misery. There's no reason to test. I don't think many of us do that. Okay, that's not true. I mean intentionally. I manufacture a lot of misery. But I don't go out like, I'm going to try to test God and see how miserable... No. But trouble comes. It's really coming from in here. But it feels like it's coming from out here. If it comes, cheerfully capitalize, that means turn it into money. Monetize. Take advantage of it. It's an opportunity to demonstrate its omnipotence. And I just found this line just within the last year. It's in the chapter of wives. I don't know why it took me so long to find it. It says, The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These workouts should be regarded as part of your education. For thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are earnest, they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome. Okay, so what's this telling me? This is telling me about the concept of using life as a vehicle for spiritual growth. Problems are coming. I will be attracting problems into my life. And they are going to look like something is wrong. And what's going to happen is deep down in here, where self-pity lives, where resentment lives, where fear lives, where the old limiting belief systems live, where all that stuff lives in that darkness, some energy is going to be released. It's going to start rising up here to the surface. And it's going to feel like fear. I'm going to blame it on somebody. Now it's going to be resentment. I'm being mistreated. It's self-pity. That's coming to the surface. And now is my chance. But it's because when it's down here, it's hard to treat it. But when it comes up, now I can treat it. Hopefully, last night I did a review so I could take a good, I've got a good current look at what's going on in my life. Hopefully this morning I did prayer and meditation to place me in a position to watch for this stuff. And now I'm there. I've got a chance. This disturbance is my chance to get free of this stuff. But it's also my chance to arrange this so I don't have to feel it. That's what I've been doing my whole life. I'm disturbed, so let's fix it out here. That's like saying the reason I have a headache is because you don't have any aspirin. The reason that I need to arrange this is because I'm not okay in here. What's not okay in here? That disturbance is coming up, and now is my chance to get free of it. Now is the tenth step. Am I watching? Am I wide awake and watching? Am I going to proper use of the will, take some action to get free of this? Put pen to paper, call somebody, pray, be of service, do those things we do to experience this. It's not God, God get rid of this. It's God, let me turn inward and experience this stuff and release it into your hands. And get free of it. That's what I'm trying to do today. So I'm presented with all these opportunities that allow me to do this. They come up in my relationship, they come up in my financial life, they come up in my work life. All these different places I'm presented with these opportunities. I don't call them opportunities. I call them problems. That's the gift. When we made that deal in the third step and said, God provide what I need. I'll stay close to you and do your work. Provide what I need. I didn't know it was going to be problems. But they're not problems, they're opportunities. For me to get free. And why do we do all this stuff? Well first off, it's grow or go. If I'm not continuing to grow through these character defects and the failure of self-will and get free of the stuff in this spiritual malady, that five year chip will never become a twenty year chip and on and on and on. It's grow or go. The other reason we do this is because the answer to alcoholism is to carry this message. But I don't want to carry this message from a place of this is Chad carrying Chad's message. I want to be a vessel for God to work through me to help you. And the only way I can be a vessel for God to work through me to help you is to do this work to get free and live in a state of surrender. That's the superpower we're given in AA. That's the gift and that's why we do what we do. Thank you. Thank you.