Step 2 — Came to Believe – Rick A. – 2024 Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – with Rick H. and Sonya F.

Good morning, everyone. I'm Paul. I am an alcoholic. Thanks Kathleen for asking me to read this this morning. Step two and three passage page 446. Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to the effect contact with him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a creative intelligence, a spirit of the universe underlying the totality of things, we began to possess a new sense of power and direction. Provided that we took other simple steps, we found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all-inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek him. It is open, we believe, to all people. Thank you. Good morning, I'm Sonia and I am an alcoholic. Hi, Sonia. Proud to be an alcoholic, for sure. um so step two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity um so the principle with step two is hope and um i love this how it says now we come to another kind of problem the intellectually self-sufficient man or woman to these many aas can say yes we're like you far too smart for our own good knowledge was all powerful intellect could conquer nature uh that about sums it up belief is um of a higher power for me so important but before I got to step three, um, I do believe restoring me to sanity was necessary. I think that's actually what I, I, uh, I didn't know that I was like powerless and my life had become unmanageable. Uh, but I did feel that feeling of hope and I knew I was insane. Um, I Didn't know insanity to me doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results or expecting the same results. But I did know that I had reached a level of crazy. And the drinking was a huge part of it. And prescription drugs was, I think, really what helped take me to my bottom so i'm grateful for all of it because it landed me here but um that feeling that i was always smarter than my substances that i could control them you know and i would be the one in charge you know that whole control thing that we all seemingly look at at some point um that really had me by every ounce of my being. And it was such an illusion, but it felt so safe and it felt so real. And, um, it felt like it was the only way to live at that point. And when I started adventuring into recovery a lot of people would be telling their stories and I had no idea what an alcoholic was and I couldn't believe what they were saying. They had like gotten into my head and were saying all the things I had so much shame about that I was thinking for all those years And I thought, wow, I found my people, my tribe. But it was so comforting because they told me that I could be restored to sanity and that it was possible if I did the work. And putting the drink and drugs down was definitely a start. It cleaned up kind of that first ugly out-of-control layer. But the anger and the fear that just was always at the surface was now over the surface a lot. You can ask my former husband. He will certainly let you know. All my coping skills had been like put in a box and put on a shelf, And here I was just like, I felt like I was naked running through the woods with people coming at me with bows and arrows that far behind me. I was petrified. Um, and what I realized was that was my emotional rollercoaster. And I look back and just as it was read today, how God does give it to, he gave it to me gently. However, at the time, it didn't feel very gentle. It felt really uncomfortable, scary. So as I realized that I had to look at my behaviors, it wasn't just alcohol and drugs, that was really, really hard because I had so much pain and so much trauma that happened as a child. Then I re-traumatized myself all through my teenage years, and then really just anesthetized myself through the majority of my 20s and 30s. So there was a lot to restore to sanity, a lot of unpacking that I had to do, and it was really, really uncomfortable. um but everybody just said one day at a time you know and and i was ready i didn't know what i was ready for because again i didn'T know about this program really i had been taken to one aa meeting god probably a long long time ago before i got married but um it was probably 25 or six and i was like they gave me a big book and said i won it after the meeting and i was like how hokey is that like threw it under my bed and then the guy kept calling it was my former husband's friend and i'm like could you tell michael to stop calling me like i don't know what his jam is but don't go there so anyway i just and i completely forgot about that. I can remember when I was 20-ish thinking I would go to, who was a former fiancee, his house on Wednesdays and I would pull in the package store down the road from his house and drink those little bottles of wine. And I remember sitting in the parking lot going, I must be an alcoholic. And that was that. And I never thought about that again. So there were moments that I knew that I had a problem, but the consequences of my behaviors hadn't brought me to the insanity piece. And, um, that was a lot to look at and my pain and anger that had just been pushed down so much was so apparent um when i got sober i didn't realize how angry i was and i was at that uh eden hill in canaan where i was staying um at the 7 a.m meeting one morning i think it was january 6th uh the reading and daily reflections and it said something along the lines of when i I quit fighting everything and everyone. And I was like, oh my God, like, I think I might be angry. I'm not Mary fucking Sunshine. Whoa! And I got in the car and I called my friend Ethan and I said, oh, my God. I think we're going to get married. I think it's okay. I figured it out. And he's like, okay, like what you got? And I said Ethan, I think I'm angry. And he said, honey, I've known you for over 20 years, and you are crazy angry. Like, you are. And I was like, really? And he's like, you're just getting this now? I'm like, I guess. He's like okay, we're starting there. All right. So it was really, really amazing how, you know, I found the hope that morning that I woke up. And recovery hasn't been easy by any means. It's been tough and everybody's helped me through it, certainly. But that hope I've never lost. I've ever lost it to this moment sitting here. And that is a gift. And, you know, people allow me to be around their kids. You know, I'm a therapist like people trust me today. Like, so by the way I think I've behaved, I don't feel like I'm insane anymore, which is great because I can say it till the cows come home. But as we all learn, life's an action program. So anyway, I'll turn it over to you, Rick. Thanks, honey. That's a baby. Morning, everyone. I'm Rick Alcahock. You know, did anybody get bingo last night? Somebody asked me this morning, you know, how'd you sleep? I said, terrible. You know that bingo ball was spinning around last night and trying to think of what was going to come out of my mouth today. So when that trap door opens, who knows what's coming out. But I guess first I have to tell you that when I first came here, I didn't know what an alcoholic was my conception of an alcoholic was that skid row bum in the trench coat with a brown paper bag living under a bridge and if Wayne's here I'm sorry Wayne but that was my conception when I first came here and I remember one time I was laying in bed and um i had been out that night and and stayed out late and the wife was hard was horribly mad at me and um that night i guess when i came home i was trying to put the keys in the door and she was sitting on the stairs that was right adjacent to the front door and um she watched me fumble for a while and trying to get the keys in the door. And she opened up the door and she said, you stupid jerk. He says, all you had to do was try the handle. It wasn't even locked. You know, and that's how drunk I was. And, um, she proceeded to throw stuff at me and scream at me. And call me an alcoholic. And the next morning I'm laying in bed and I got on the phone and called the buddy I was drinking with that night and told him, he said, you know, how mad was Robin last night because he knew she was going to be mad. And I told him this story about being called an alcoholic and he said to me, you're not an alcoholic, Rick. He says, you don't need to have it by your bed. You don't needs to drink it in the morning. He convinced me that I wasn't an alcohol and I was laying in bed now because my world's a mess and he I said you know what you're right I'm not an alcoholic I'm because my conception of an alcoholic wasn't what it is today and I came into a still not believing I was an alcoholic I came here to put the fires out that was going on at home and that's all I was here for I I showed up at a and and I did it for show I would come to pick up my kids or could pick up son for the weekend and I would leave my book big book on the dashboard of my truck so that she could see the that I was trying you know I was trying to do something and and i did it first show and I still at that time didn't believe I was an alcoholic and then I started getting into the big book and I remember when I got my first big book I took it back to my apartment and I read it cover to cover and I said okay where's the answer here you know I looked at it like it was a murder mystery and I still don't know who killed the friggin butler but But, you know, I totally blitzed right through this. So I started sitting at a big book meeting and someone would take us through the big book and they described in the doctor's opinion, it says, we believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy, that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average tempered drinker. I thought I was an average temper drinker, and that says these allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all, and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human their problems piled up on them and they became astonishingly difficult to solve and I said to myself oh my god I am an alcoholic I have this phenomenon of craving thing and the way I used to the analogy I used to use is if anybody out there have a have a craving for something if I put a bowl of popcorn in front of you are you gonna eat it till the last kernels gone All right. See, I'm not the only one. I am. I'm a popcornaholic too. So but that's the analogy I have for you is that that's how that's how I drank. You put up you put a beer in front of me. I mean looking for the second one. The second one is looking for the third one and the third ones demanding the fourth one. And before I know it, I am drunk. And and that to me is that phenomenon of craving i i have that with alcohol and that convinced me right there that my conception of that brown paper bag trench coat wearing drunk under the bridge uh is changed you know um any anybody who has this phenomenon of grieving can can be an alcoholic and that's what I was. That's the paragraph that convinced me that I was alcoholic. And it says, I can't drink it. The only cure for this is complete abstinence. I cannot put alcohol in my body because I know that's going to happen. And I think that is important to physically understand if you're an alcoholic or not. Let's see if I can find this next page that I wanted to read. So that being said, step one is we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. You heard in stories last night when we talked how our lives had become unmanageable. And I had to look back at how my life had become and how twisted it had become and how I couldn't manage everyday things without alcohol. And when it says I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, I didn't have to admit it to you. I didn'T have to submit it to my wife. I didn' t have to admitted it to friends and family and everything else. They all knew I was an alcoholic. They didn't need me to tell them. I had to admit it to me. I'm the first one that I have to admit that I'm an alcoholic to. And it says right here, he says, we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. That's way up on page 30 in our book. So we read quite a bit here before we even get to step one, before it even tells us where it's step one. And I grew up a Catholic as a kid. We were forced to go to Catholic catechism and all of that stuff, and so my parents, I should say my mother because my dad wasn't part of this, but my mother at least wanted to instill in us a belief in our God or beliefs in a higher power and um and and she succeeded in that because when i came in here and i knew i had to get a higherpower i was told i should i should find some kind of a god or some kind of higher power that was personable to me it was a pretty easy step for me a lot of people it's not for me it It was pretty simple. Trying to apply that in my daily life took a little time, but our second step, if you look in the book, I mentioned page 30. It tells us that we're at the first step in recovery, but nowhere in our book does it say we're on step two. you know we get all the way up into by the time you find it in the italicized words that we're at step three nowhere in those pages does it say we're on step two if you can find it show me because I haven't been able to find it and it's not in there because they want you to kind of manufacture your own belief in your own higher power they're not trying to push you towards a catholic religion or any kind of religion. And I learned here that there's a difference between spirituality and religion. Thank God for that because religion scared me. I didn't want to, you know, if religion was true and if I sinned that much, I'm definitely going to hell because there's no way I can make up for all that stuff. But spirituality tells me differently that I can have a higher power and it can be anything I want. It doesn't have a picture. I mean, we all have that picture of God if you grew up Catholic, the robe and the beard and the long hair and everything else. And I love Sonia's conception of God. Her conception of god is in here, is in us. and uh and that's my conception too you know i've always since coming to aa i i put the the god thing away that i grew up with the catholic religion god i put that away and um and and i developed that that god from within and uh that's my higher power today and that is how i do it and it says came to believe step two is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity at some point i had to admit that i was insane the way my life was going and the way things were going and the way i treated people and the way my wife had had had evolved too was crazy absolutely crazy and uh and to me that's that's my conception of step two i had to believe in a higher power i hadto kind of start to manufacture that belief in that higher power and how did i do that i was told in the beginning to uh to ask god to keep you away from a drink or a drug just for that day and i took that to heart i remember being at work and um having a tough day things are going bad at work things weren't right going my way and my coping skill my my my run to my every my my fix for everything was let's take a ride smoke a joint and i'll be okay and i'll come back and things will be better that was my coping skill and um i could get away with smoking at least i thought at work anyways but um so i um i went into the bathroom that day and i got on my knees and if you saw my bathroom you wouldn't get on your knees um my work bathroom i should say um it's not that bad but i don't know if you want to get on your knees in it but um but i remember i remember asking god please just keep me away from this obsession till at least noontime and um because i couldn't fathom making it through the whole day and i asked to keep me way from that drink or drug till at leas noon and uh before i knew it it was two three o'clock in the afternoon and i was told if you get what you ask for to make sure you thank him and i thanked him i said okay now now can you keep me there till till five o'clock till i get out of work and uh and and and it started working for me i was told that if if it worked for you that day at night before you go to bed make sure you think that higher power for getting you through that day that's how my conception of my higher power started was just as simple as that and um and i didn't tell many people that in the beginning you know i kept it to myself um because i had a lot of people in my life that were very skeptical about higher power stuff so i kept that to myself and umand it started working and and over time i've learned that I can apply that same thing to my everyday stuff. And as simple as losing a tool at work, you know, I tell people this all the time and, uh, you know, if I lose a tool, I'm looking around for tools. I can't find it. I can' t find it, I can''t find it." I''m like, oh, wait a minute. Let's ask God to see if I can find that tool. I'll do that on a daily basis. That''s how, how my belief in my, has come to believe that I, that it works for me. And before I know it, all of a sudden it's like, oh my gosh, here's that tool I was looking for. And it's not just a coincidence like we normally would have thought. I apply it to my higher power and that's how I try to get through my day. So coming to believe in a higher power greater than myself can restore us to sanity. There are two parts to that. First, I have to believe that I'm insane. And first I have to believe that a higher power will save my life. You know, belief comes from trying and belief comes form watching other people do it. And people that were here before me told me that I should try it. And I had to trust them. And that's the beginning for me for step two. Want to take us to step three? I want to. all right step three made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him um and faith is the principle for this step practicing step three is like the opening of a door which to all appearances is still closed and locked all we need is a key and the decision to swing the door open there is only one key and it's called willingness once unlocked by willingness the door opens almost of itself and looking through it we shall see pathways besides which an inscription reads this is the way to faith that works so in the first two steps we were it was like all about reflection and then step three calls for affirmative action like all remaining steps, for it's only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God. And it does tell us that the effectiveness of the whole AA program will rest upon how well and earnestly we have tried to come to a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. And so it was a decision for me to turn my will over. Like I said yesterday, that morning I woke up, I had this overwhelming security security that I was safe and I knew it was a higher power, but I didn't know really what that meant and what it was going to do for me. But I just had the willingness to be open to suggestion from the people in AA, from the people at the rehab center, just open-minded, which sounds silly, but you probably can identify how hard that can be. So I was very rigid and closed-minded. So to be spontaneous with ideas and thoughts and whatnot was completely against every grain for me. But I had it now. I actually had this a you know honesty openness and willing um the how acronym which is really what it took for i think me to hear the things i needed to hear and um i too am uh raised catholic and And I tried a lot of times in my life to lean on the Catholic Church because my family did get so much comfort from it. And I just never had, I was never like plugged in. I didn't understand. And I saw a lot people who would, you know, be nice in church and then run you over in the parking lot. So that was kind of confusing. um but my anxiety was so high too that through catechism and all those years in church like I really couldn't focus and pay attention um I wasn't allowed to sit near my dad because like we would play and I'd end up dropping my money and be under the pew not that he went often uh because he went at five o'clock with the cat um so my mom rallied us all together and went But, you know, I never really felt that connection. And I was afraid of God because like he was worse than Santa. Like Santa at least only hung around and paid attention in December to be threatened with. But God was always there like, oh no. And like Rick said, you Know, after the destruction, the path I had taken, I thought, no way, like, no, there's no chance I'm going there. Um, so in college, I remember having, um, he was a former priest actually. And, um. He married a nun and they had triplets. Girls. So God got him back. So I knew he was real. Um. But they were also at our church. The, the, uh, my professor didn't go. His wife and three girls went. but um and they were like and they were my brother's age so I knew them kind of growing up and and he taught a philosophy class and you could make your own higher power like you got to pick and it was this whole you know part of the philosophy course and I was like wow a priest teaching this this is kind of like off the rails but it made sense to me so from that moment on that sort I kind of compiled my own ideas to what my higher power was now did I lean on that and have faith in that no it was more of that intellectual exercise so when I got to AA I was not really sure who my God was or if I was going to call it God and this and that and I started asking around and listening to people. And my sponsor said, why don't you make a list of all the things you want your higher power to be like all the character that they have? And I said, All right. So I made this list. And it was a had trustworthy and safety and, you know integrity and love oh love so much love and um just these beautiful things that i felt i was lacking but i did not know i was writing all the things that i wished i was not my higher power and um she said do you have these things and i said no. And she said, well, now you have something to turn to that does. And if you plug into that, you might just feel some of these things that you feel you don't have inside of you. But let's see. So yeah, so I never was really plugged in. I didn't have a faith that worked. And that was very lonely. And what I realized, like, I mean, I was in, I think, seventh grade, maybe eighth grade. And my mom worked until 10 o'clock on Wednesdays and my father would go grocery shopping and then to Hank's to drink. So I had the whole night free. So one Wednesday night, the doorbell rang and it was these little ladies and they were like, oh, we're Mormons. And I had Mormon family members up in New York. And so that's OK. And they were like, do you want to hear about this? And I'm like, well, I can't right now. But come back next Wednesday and I'll cook you dinner. So they were, like, all right. So, they brought their Book of Mormon. And these two little ladies came. And my parents were gone. And the only thing I really knew how to cook was kielbasa and beans. So that's what we had. And they told me about different pieces of their religion. And it was very interesting. And they left me a book and I lost a friend of mine that I was very close to in high school in a car accident. And so I turned to the church for that. And again, like I said, I kept trying to get, I was seeking to get plugged in. I felt that hole in me my whole entire childhood. I didn't feel like I fit into my family. I would lie to my neighbor and say I was adopted. Like it just like, Bethany, I found the papers in my dad's second drawer last night. And she was like, you know, and she was younger, so she believed everything. And so it just, it was like this. I never felt comfortable in my own skin and I didn' t understand what part of me was. I always felt defective. not just wrong, but defective. Like I was innately wrong, born wrong. And so, you know, when I plugged in to my higher power and that energy and that safety and that love was so overwhelming and just so freeing. It allowed me to take the next steps, not just in the program, but in my life. Like I wasn't afraid anymore. I never really had a deep sense of self. I was always in like crisis mode and, you know, fear when I was growing up. So I never developed that sense of itself that you would when you're in high school and after latency. So I just was always hypervigilant and just anxious. And so it was the first time in my life I didn't have to control everything outside to make Sonia feel safe, even though that was an illusion and doesn't work because people, places, and things change and do what they want. And then they send me in a tizzy. But from that point on, I could actually feel safe from the inside out and not feel like I had to control everything. And wow, how freeing and how less energy to use. And it also set me up to feel safe within me to look forward to my fourth step. That's when I actually got excited because the person before I felt safe within me, was really scared to look at the things I had done because I didn't have a me to feel safe in. And now that I was starting to grow, I knew I would be okay. And I didn' t even realize at that time it was my higher power, but something shifted. And that was amazing for me. And it was the, you know, it was the opening the door and walking through and having that courage of I don't know, just knowing it will be okay. Not the courage that it's all ego, you know because that was a huge part was the ego was who I was and I just plowed through life and didn't look at the wake of destruction left behind me and if I didn't like you slam the door I mean I'd just cut you off and be on with it and um you know now I didn'T have to run from myself and i started to understand i take myself everywhere i go and um you know later down the road like as rick said you know i don't believe in the western philosophy of god's behind the clouds and maybe he is i mean i think he's really everywhere i believe god is love but he resides in every single one of us and to me if i have my higher power with me in me filling up that hole all the time. That's the ultimate safety. And I was also told, if you don't think your higher power can handle it, you better upgrade your higher power. So I've done that. You know, I have, you know, added things and shaved things off And, you know, just really evolved my higher power as I'm evolving as a human. My higher power is evolving. And it's really made me feel like I can be out in the world and anything can happen. And I'm OK. I'm not going to be OK. I am OK. And that's a big deal for someone who never felt safe and trusting. I know many of us have trust issues, and I certainly, wow, trust issues were crazy. And one of the biggest parts was I couldn't trust myself, But I thought I could. And I also thought if my brain thought it, it must be true. I had to learn how to think, which sounds sort of ridiculous, but I did. I hadと realize that just because my brain manufactured it doesn't mean anything. I can swipe the screen and think of another thought and whatnot. And, you know, that was a big thing because trusting was impossible with my history and having relationships with anyone, whether it's a love relationship, whether it's a family member whether it's a work relationship anything like I was always waiting for the real you to show up you know and I'd figure you out and you know I had a lot of character defects that manifested because of not trusting and I just like my coping skills were so maladaptive to sick behavior because I wasn't trusting myself or anyone. And so I was really defensive and angry, as I stated, that one's a lot. And I always was on the take, you know, and I was always manipulative and lurking around and figuring out how to get what I needed. Because if I didn't get what i needed, and i'm not even talking drugs and alcohol, just behaviors and the way the world was set up, I would spiral. And it was very uncomfortable. So my whole existence, right? I believe we're born to survive. That's our first instinct is to survive. I get up every day just to, so my body and brain can make me survive again and um and so you know living that day was really awful every single day trying to survive but then in program it's like surviving is okay because my whole world doesn't have to be set up um and it doesn't have to just everything doesn't Have to feel good like My motives are so different today than what they were back then. I embrace the fact that I have my higher power who lives in me and all of you, and it helps me see that I can trust you because I can rest in peace. I can just trust me, and now that I trust me I know it's real. like i had to have it first like sobriety we have to have it before we can give it away i had to trust myself before i could trust you all or anyone on this planet and intimate relationships are really super hard and i'll never forget when my sponsor said to me someday sony you're gonna realize bill is my former husband bill is the best thing that ever happened to you she was smart enough to tell me on the phone because i probably would have punched her in the face that day i wasn't there but it was like forever in my brain i thought well that's a freaking oxymoron like no danger of that being the case and you know I can look at it today and it was the case 100% you know it had to be every other man was the same as my husband they just had different names but you know they all have the same behaviors and we had sick relationships and blah blah blah whatever but um my husband was a father and my children and I was gonna get that right I was going to have a good home if nothing else and I wasn't protect those children I didn't realize I had to protect them from me but that was later but I was so desperate to make that relationship work no matter what and through spinning my wheels and being insane and doing the same thing over and over again and not learning and all my lovely coping skills that got me this seat because I'm an alcoholic so that's how I cope but he really showed me every single button on me of trauma and pain that was running my life, and it had to be him because nobody else mattered to me like him. And I had to start looking at that, and I hadと start realizing that God put him in my life maybe to give me the kids, I believe that, but to heal me. And I tell you, I never thought that was going to be the case. He's a good man. He really is. But I would have never put that definition on him. So it was kind of a shocking thing to find out. But because now I had God with me and I had that inner strength, I didn't feel defective anymore. I didn't feel, you know, like that shame feeling like, you know, guilt as I did something wrong and shame as I am wrong. And I didn' t feel shameful anymore or as much that I did. It got better and I got to look at some of those things and the ways that I was behaving to protect myself. And maybe those coping skills worked when I was a kid because I had no other options. They wore out like a long time ago, a long time ago. But again, because of so much trauma and pain and anxiety, when I was a kid, I had blinders on. I didn't look for any other way to do it. I just went full force. I just didn't have it in me. And so now that I had my higher power behind me like I could start looking at the pain and the details and my part which you know I'll talk about in step four go ahead everybody Rick alcoholic what do you got five minutes 15 all right that we could That we can do. So step three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. What does that mean to me? Somebody gave me an analogy one day, and they said, you know, if you have three frogs sitting on a log, and one of them makes a decision to jump off, how many frogs are on that log? The answer is three. All he did was make a decision. He didn't jump yet. And to me, that was what step three actually meant. It says I want to turn my will over to care of God as I understand him. I didn't know how to do that. How do I turn my Will and my Life over to care of something I don't even know what I believe in yet? How do we do that? And I was taught that when we're in step three, we're in a state of prayer from step 3 all the way up to step 7 and it says on page 60 middle of the page it says our description of the alcoholic the chapter to the agnostic and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas A. that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. And C, that God couldn't would if he were sought. That's the conclusion to step two. That's how I was taught. That's a conclusion to this. That's step two and then Bill is pretty good about this and there's a few places in the book that he does this And the next line, it says, being convinced we were at step three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Just what do we mean by that? And just what do We do? We always hear in the program that there's no rules. There's no, you know, the steps are just suggestions. And like you've heard, and I'm going to say it here too, people suggest you do them, right? So the next line on this page is requirement. It says, The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. There are requirements in this book. I was taught that I have to keep my nose in this books because there's little one-liners in thisbook that teach us and push us in a direction of what we need to do. It's not just those 12 steps on the wall that we see at a meeting. It's no longer the same thing. It's more than just showing up at a meeting. I'm not going to learn that from that. I'm going to see these one-liners if I'm just showing off and this book is a doorstop in your bathroom. You're not going to see these things. I had to make that decision to turn my will over them and I made that decision way back in steps one and two actually but this is when I make the decision to go on further and try to do the work that they talk about and I'm not sure I like the phrase work I don't think that's really the right word for it I should use the process is better because technically the work we learn to do here in the program is God's work. And I think that's true to all of us. And there's a paragraph, I'll read that when we get a little further on here. But we skip over to page 62. It says selfishness and self-centeredness, that we think is our root of our problem. I always thought it was that booze. You know, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to put down booze, I didn't realize I had to kind of look at Rick. I didn' t realize I ha d to look at what kind of person Rick really had become. And it tells me right there that boozes isn' t even the problem. Booze is a symptom here. Selfishness and self-centeredness is my problem. and it says so our troubles we think are basically of our own making I caused myself to live in a broken down motor home yeah I did I honestly did had nothing to do with her you know but I didn't see that when I was living in that broken down motor home I blamed everybody and everything I didn' t blame rick i didn't blame i blamed everything else if everybody would just behave rick's life would be awesome problem is you guys aren't behaving the way rick wants me to behave you to behave anyways and uh and and that is my selfishness self-centeredness i think we all go through life like that i think where i think what where it's ingrained in us as a as a young kid that we need to be, you know, looking out for ourselves and just paying attention to how we feel and not anybody else. And this paragraph and how it works, or this chapter of how it worked, kind of taught me a lesson in me being the actor. I was the one trying to run the show. I really was. And I think everybody does. problem is you're trying to run your show I'm trying to run my show and those two shows are banging heads whether it's family, whether it' s friends or whether it''s just people out in the real world we just butt heads because we're all trying to get the same thing we're also trying to make sure that our life runs good and that is the root of our problem that's what made me drink That's one of the factors that made me an alcoholic. Because I'm selfish, self-centered to the extreme. So again, we're on step three. And I don't know how you guys feel about this, but in my men's group that I grew up with, we would do step three and we would read step three together. And the men's Group that I belonged to was at Dickie's Boys And we had the nickname Dickie's Boys because we couldn't think of anything else. But that's what we called it. And, you know, the funny story about that meeting is it started off as just a few guys. Dickie was helping her. Just a couple guys go through the book. Evolved into seven or eight. And at one time, we had 21 guys in that living room. So you can imagine 21 guys on their knees trying to say the third step prayer. It was kind of cool. But it brings me back to if we don't understand how dangerous and how severe this disease is, we lost three guys inthat meeting that died because of this disease because they couldn't get it. And I look around this room. There's a handful of guys in this room that were there. They had us still here. and that was 27 years ago they're still doing this program so step three for me is important because that's where I start my journey in this program so if you would we can read it together obviously there's not enough room to get down on our knees here But if we can just read step three together, if you guys have got books or whatever you got. No, it's page 63. Page 63, it says, and I love this because remember, it was way back on page 60 that it told us that we were at step three. And now it says it again, we are now at step 3. so those pages in between there are pretty important you know, there's a reason that he did that and he wants you to understand what it means and what we are as alcoholics it says, we are now at step three many of us said to our maker as we understood him God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may do better thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. We thought well before taking this step, making sure we were ready and could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. It's funny how he put that at the end of that, huh? You know, it says we found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person such as our wives, our best friend, or our spiritual advisor. And it's funny he put dat at the beginning, too. He probably could have put datat at the begining, you know, and we could have made a decision to do this whether we wanted to do it or not. And, you know, it says, but it is better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand. And I think that's important too. You know, if I try to meet God with someone else, they might convince me that I'm doing something wrong or I'm doing something that they shouldn't be doing or something that they don't believe in, you know? So I think that trying to develop your higher power and trying to find your way to a higher power or God, as you understand him, is kind of personal. And that's all it needs to be. How much time we got left, G? So God rewound the clock for us? So I like what he says next. It says, the wording was, of course, quite optional as long as we express the idea, voicing it without reservation. So we don't have to stay in the confinements or the spectrum of the third step prayer as it's read in the book. You can make it up on your own as long as it kind of incorporates the same kind of premise that Bill's trying to get through here. You know, I have a prayer I say to myself every morning when I wake up and I do it before I even get out of bed. You know? I said, thank you, God, for another day in the life that you have planned for me. I said please help me to be of service and give me the power and the will to carry that out. help me to recognize those places where I need to be patient, tolerant, loving and kind with people, places and things and my God is very good to me he gives me those people that I need to be impatient with he even gives me those little things that I need to do that I can be patient with you know the other day and this is a funny story I'll tell you this because it's so true I said that prayer to myself in the morning And now I get out to my car, and I'm not going to lie. I've been trying to study on how to do this weekend. You know, I've bee listening to some tapes, and, you know, it kind of just mixed me up. You know? I talked about that bingo ball. You can imagine how many things got thrown into the bingo ball before after I had those tapes. So I'm sitting in my car and I'm letting the car warm up. And I got the tape folder in my hand. And I'm trying to change the tapes in my CD player in my car. And the thing is getting in the way. And it's hitting the steering wheel. And it keeps closing. And I can't get the tape in because it keeps closing. And I've got a tape holder in my truck. And I start to get angry at this tape holder in my trunk. It's starting to, and I am going to use this phrase and I try not to be this way, but it's starting to piss me off. And that light bulb goes off in my head. Hey, remember what you asked for this morning? Remember that patience and tolerance of people, places, and things that you asked por? Here's the thing I need to be patient with, and here's the think I need t be tolerant with. And here's th thing that God is reminding me that I ask for that patience. And thought about it, and I was able to take a breath, and I put my seat back and gave it room to open up and I was able to put the tape in and you know that little thing didn't have to wind me up for the day you know, that's the cool part about this thing I travel 50 miles to work every day and I'm on the highway for an hour and before sobriety those people that used to piss me off in the traffic you know, the things that used to happen, that road rage that we all experience used to happen on a daily basis and before sobriety I was that guy that's chasing you down and cutting you off and slamming the brakes and I was that guy and And after sobriety, I'm the guy that's waving to you as you drive by. I'm not that guy with the live and let live bumper sticker and flipping you off as I'm driving by. You know, that's what sobriete has done for me. It's saved all of you guys from that road rage of Rick. But that's my third step prayer to myself every day. And I have to remember that every day. And when I forget it, I can be that guy. I can easily go back to that guy that's throwing that tape box in the back seat or flipping you off or doing that stuff. So I have make sure I ask for that every day and God's good to me. He gives me that patience, tolerance and loving kindness every day if I ask for it because I know he's going to test me i know i'm going to get those people i know that's just life life is going to come my way and i have to know how to handle it and that third step prayer that we deal with every day helps me it helps me to connect and helps me remember that i made a decision to turn my will in my life over the care of god as i understand him and that's my reminder every day is that prayer hopefully you guys will adopt not mine but make up your own and hopefully that light bulb will go off in your head when that tape box bothers you and you get to that spot I don't know I guess maybe we can awesome Thank you.