Step 2 — Came to Believe – Chris S. – FOTSNY – 2016

Let's bring Myers in and Chris. Thank you guys. Can y'all hear me okay? Can you hear me now? That's better. Yeah. My name is still Myers. I'm still a recovered alcoholic. What a treat to be here. I was talking to somebody a minute ago. I was talking about an experience that I had a couple of months ago. I'm not going to tell you where it was. But it was like we were doing the same kind of stuff. We were talking about the same deal and there was nobody responding to anything. I mean, it was just like this sea of blank stares and you kind of got sort of nervous about really what was going on. And people say, well, AA is the same everywhere you go. And I can't make that line up, guys, because it's not. There are areas where I've been where you just wonder, I mean, wouldn't it be cool if everywhere you went and there was a circle triangle on the door then God was there and everybody was cool and everybody was doing what they were supposed to do. The reality of that stuff is, guys, is that there's so much variation out there now and a lot of it's just geographic. It's just, it kind of freaks me out sometimes to think about. There are geographic areas where there's one lady sponsoring women in five different counties. One lady. Because there's nobody else willing to. I'm looking around the room full of women and I'm going like, what are these other ladies doing? Well, they're looking for a husband or they're whatever. I mean, I don't know. But they're not sponsoring women. And so it's crazy how that stuff works. There are two meetings that I know of in Dallas right now where you can't take a big book in the meeting. If you walk out and walk across the parking lot with a big book, they'll say, what's that? And you say, it's a big book. And they say, well, you can't bring it in here. And I go, watch me, Hoss. And I mean, I just like, you're not going to tell me I can't bring a big book to a big book meeting. I mean, to an AA meeting. So, but I mean, I did a talk one time up in North Texas up in the panhandle and I left and I got home on a Sunday morning and I got an email from a lady and she said, I can't believe I missed you. She said, I really wanted my husband who has just relapsed. I really wanted him to hear you. And it was, he just, I called her back on the telephone. She had a number on there and we talked and I said, so how's your husband doing? And she said, he's doing, he's doing okay, I guess. And I said, well, does he have a sponsor now? And she said, no, he doesn't. And this sort of thing. She said, well, he hadn't got a sponsor yet and he hadn't been back to AA yet. And I said, well, why? I thought you said he just came back. And she said, well, he can't, but he can't go to AA until he's been sober for 30 days. And I just, that's what I did. I mean, I'm looking at the phone going, she's going, Myers, are you there? How do you respond to something like that? You see? It's just people charging money to hear fifth steps. I mean, this is the culture, this is the culture in some groups out there like this. You just, I understand that, but it's the same. I've been in rooms where you'd have a thousand people there and everybody to a man and a woman will say the exact same thing. AA is the same everywhere you go. Everywhere, and I'm going, it is not. This is the reason why we got to start paying attention to the things that we teach, the things that we do, the message that we carry in terms of how we interact with the community. Chris was talking about a minute ago that this idea that we're all so anonymous to ourself and to each other and to the people out there that we start looking. I had a guy the other day said, well, you know, I don't know, my parents think AA is a cult. And I hear that all the time. And I'm going, but pay attention to why they think that. They think that because we look like a cult. We gotta just pay attention, depending on where it is. Some of you guys are from places that that's so removed it's not even on the table. But there are other places, guys, where, you'll get that. We're going to do a little step two and step three stuff. I'm always kind of excited to do this part of this because there were some great big issues here that it wasn't that I didn't believe in God. It wasn't that I just, this is the stuff that started to put the heart in the things that I was doing. It started to identify and make me kind of connect up to a whole lot of this stuff. I want to tell you this story. There was a, I was in England doing a workshop at a big monastery, kind of a spiritual retreat for a whole bunch of men and we were in, there was 200 and some guys there and we were all, I'd been there for half a day and I asked a guy on a break, we were talking about some stuff and he was completely out there. I mean, the things that I thought he should know, just basic stuff, he didn't have a clue what he was talking about. And so when it got time for the session to start again, I said, hey, listen, guys, let me ask y'all a question. I'm going to pass out some cards, some little index cards and I had a whole bunch of those little yellow pencils and I said, I'm going to pass out a bunch of these little pencils like this. I want to ask you guys a couple of questions like that. Before we write anything down, how many of you guys know and understand what it would look like to sponsor somebody? And almost every hand in the place went up. And I said, okay. So specifically, you guys are pretty cool. In your head, intellectually wise, you kind of know A, B, C, D, what you were going to do, right? And everybody raised their hand again. And I said, oh, okay. Alright, so do me a favor. On that little card that I just gave you and on that little pencil, go ahead and write down the first three things that you would do. If Chris was sitting brand new at a meeting like this and he's our brand new guy that we're going to talk about, if he was in the meeting, tell me the first three things that you would do to try to help this guy. I'm just trying to put some clarity to what it is that we're talking about so we're not being vague. And from my perspective, looking at it, it was just like this. You had like two people look down, one guy picked up a pencil and I'm looking at everybody else and everybody else is just looking at me still. And I'm going, so maybe y'all didn't understand what I was going to do, okay? What we want to do is we want to write down what's the very first thing that you would do if Chris was sitting in a meeting and he needed some help. And there were a couple people lowered their head down and it's a couple writing like this. And most everybody, they never even picked a pencil up. They didn't even try. And I said, guys, okay, I need to be clear here. I need to make sure that you understand what was going on here. Because just a minute ago, seconds ago, you told me that you knew with clarity what it is that we were supposed to do in terms of sponsorship. You told me that. But when it comes time to put it in black and white and looking at it like this, you don't know. This is the reason why we end up with this kind of weird, my head, my ego always wants to sell me the idea that I got this thing sussed. That everything has already worked out, man, and I'm cool. On the other side of that equation, there's always this kind of, how many of you guys felt anxiety? If I say sponsorship, I mean, I used to get diarrhea. If you said sponsorship like this, I'd go, boom, like this. I just like, I don't. If I can't work crap or something into it, talk, I don't know. Somebody said one time, I said, Myers, you're the only guy I ever saw that seems to be able to work a penis joke in every time he does a talk. I said, it's coming, okay? I'll get to it. It's like, where's Waldo? We'll look for the penis joke in every one of Myers' talks. Here's the problem, guys, is that it makes us, I wish I hadn't said any of that. I just like, I just like, if I could take it all back, I would. The reason I don't want to sponsor, the reason I don't want to sponsor is that I'm not clear. There is no clarity on what it is that needs to be done. And so, in my little posse that I run with in AA land, and I got a bunch of little buddies that I run with like this, and some of them would, you know, I'm going to read from the title page to 164, and we're going to do the stuff like that. And then, I mean, there's just all of these different variations of, I'm going to use an inventory sheet, I'm going to use a notebook, I'm going to use a this, I'm going to use a that, I'm going to use, I mean, all of these pieces that don't dovetail, and so pretty soon you end up being just, if you're like me, and I think a lot of you are, I think a lot of you will just say, you know, perhaps when I get clearer, when I get a little more clarity about what it is I'm supposed to do, then I'll step up and take a swing at that sponsorship thing. The problem with, guys, is that sometimes the day never gets there. You stay in conflict, you stay in confusion, because we spend so much time in meetings sharing our own personal opinion on what all this stuff looks like. And so there's where a lot of this stuff sets up, and this is where a lot of the confusion gets in. In the very same meeting, sitting there, you'll have one guy over here sharing that meeting makers make it, it's all about 90 meetings and 90 and the rest of this kind of stuff, and then you'll have somebody over here sharing about steps, and you'll have somebody over here sharing about, they didn't do any steps at all, they just, y'all understand what I'm saying? It's just like, one of the ladies that I respected most in AA the first seven years I was here, never worked a step. And she would share that freely in a meeting. I've never ever worked a step, and I've been sober for 14 years. And I'm just looking at her a year sober thinking, my God, how did you do it? And she said, I practice yoga, and that's how I do it. But it was, I mean, she has every right to that opinion, I guess it like this. I just don't understand why she would want to share that in a meeting and add to the further confusion. You see? Because I'm going, let's see, a bunch of steps that make me feel really, really uncomfortable are a room full of really hot, sweaty girls practicing yeah, yoga. That's what I'm not ragging on yoga. I love yoga. I practiced it for 10 years. I love it. I'm just saying, my point is, is that with all the inconsistencies that come in, this is the reason why I love doing this and because we get a chance to talk about some specifics about some of this stuff. And so let me kind of slide in it this way so we can get in there. I in this area of what you would do first, I'm going to say, I think guys that Bill Wilson, when you go back and read chapter 7, working with others, that Bill Wilson was clear that we had an initial obligation to qualify people when they got here. To help them try to understand what their truth was around their disease so that we can understand. Again, this is stuff that we were talking about earlier. If you see the devastation of your disease, not just out there, but in here, if you see the fact that you are powerless over this thing, if there is no power there, then you're going to be much more inclined to move towards something else like that. How many of you guys have ever been to a treatment center where you were carrying the message and you met somebody, when they first got there, they're right out of detox and they're shaking. They're real pliable. They're real willing to do whatever. These men and women would eat a handful of spiders if you handed it to them like this and said, if this will get you sober, I'll eat them. I'll just right now, I'll start crunching on them. They'll do anything then. Put three weeks in the middle of that. Put three weeks in there and let them get some new clothes and some good food and a little exercise, stuff that Chris was talking about like this, and then you walk into that very same room and the very same man that was willing to do anything when you first got him like this is leaning over against the back wall with his hat on backwards and his sunglasses on inside and he's just bulletproof, guys. His ego has rekindled itself and he's just simply not about that. This is the reason why there is some urgency and this is the reason why the book and the way that they wrote it and the way that the sentences are structured and put together, there was this, I mean, what part of next we launched out on a vigorous action, what what what , what part of that says take six months? It doesn't and Bill keeps doing it over and over and over again and so I'm going to talk to him about qualifying. Next thing I want to do is I want to find out where you are around this step two step that we're just now talking about. Where is it are you around God? Guys, I don't need to know all the doctrine that you were taught growing up. I don't need to know all of that kind of stuff. That's not what Bill was trying to get us to understand. Go back and read any of you guys ever been to East Dorset, Vermont where Bill Wilson was born. So he's born in the back of this his crib is actually in the back of this bar. It was a roadhouse and catty corner when you walk out the front door and you just look right there is the house that he was raised in and right behind that is a church where his grandfather would make references to it this I mean it's all right in this big beautiful green square area like that. It's just right there and Bill has this head that's real contemptuous. A lot of this came from his dad that was kind of MIA his grandfather early on was pretty contemptuous and then later had a barn burning spiritual experience his grandfather did and was pretty rearranged by the whole thing but so Bill Wilson is skeptical about this kind of stuff. I mean remember his conversation about Abby when he comes over there like this I mean he's just like a lot of us like that. Super. Got religion. Great. Super. Bill doesn't see the connection and he doesn't see what's going on and Bill thinks that what Abby's going to do is just sell him on the idea of religion and that's not what Abby did and Abby kind of went in through the back door and helped him understand that left on your own devices you're going to stay powerless over this kind of stuff. With no power in there you're going to die. So the power's got to be there some way and he's trying to get us to understand. Years later guys we'll connect this stuff up but we'll also be able to see thousands of examples of where you try to get power from somebody else. How many times in the first part of the big book do they say that we placed ourselves beyond human aid? Two times on two different pages it says it right there. We're facing each other 24 and 25. They're talking about this stuff. We placed ourselves beyond human aid which means, I know you're going to get mad but I'm sorry that means a meeting's not going to keep you sober because meetings have people in them. The meeting is not there to keep you sober. Will it help you for a while? Yes. Will it? Treat loneliness like nothing else I've ever seen. It's perfect for that. How many of you personally either yourself or you know someone who has gotten out of treatment or got sober and then decided that they were going to find somebody significant in AA and that guy and that girl were going to keep each other sober? Listen, I've watched hundreds and hundreds of people come in they meet across the room, they've kind of got that little look and stuff and pretty soon they're sitting next to each other and pretty soon they're kind of moving toward the edge of the room and then pretty soon they're gone and when you talk to them they're going, buddy we're going to be fine man. We're going to keep each other sober. Guess how many times I've seen that happen and successful in AA? In 28 years? I've never seen it successful. At some point in time, and it doesn't take much, a little bit of self-pity, a little bit of confusion, a little bit of anger and whatever the prescription is, you end up with a perfect example where you're going to go get loaded again. Let's be real clear. I'm always real envious when I meet men and women who come into these rooms with no problem with God. I wish, oh I wish that I had been that guy. My problem is that I'm just totally disappointed with God because God looks like Santa Claus to me and I'm just thinking if you make it everything the way I want it to and I want to buy that if you'll let me get all these things I need and this kind of stuff, I'll be okay. And so my life was kind of disappointing around this kind of stuff. And so it wasn't that I hated God. I'm not an atheist or anything. I'm not militant about it. I just you know, I can just sort of take God or leave God. I mean, a lot of us get here and we're like that. We're just ambivalent. We have God kind of sideways in our cross. And we would really like to do it any other way but that. The problem with this, guys, is that we have a fellowship today that seems to embrace that whole idea. And so what we've seen, especially in the last 35 or 40 years, is this weird and yet dynamic way that we've begun to move away from the idea of God at the center of our program. We've begun to move away from it like this where you can't talk about. Listen, in the group that I sobered up in in North Dallas, we had a group conscious meeting one night and there were some guys in there from out of town. They were from California. I should have explained some things. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But they said, hey, we've been here for a little while and we think you guys talk about God too much in these meetings. I think that we ought to not do that. And they said the guy chairing that night was a moron and he just goes, these guys aren't even members of our group. You understand that? And he goes, well, maybe we ought to vote on that. What do y'all think? All right, let's vote on it. And just like that, no warning, no nothing. They just said, okay, well, we're going to vote that maybe we stop talking about God in the meeting. And they voted on it. And listen, I would love to tell you that I was so strong in my conviction and my faith that I stormed out of there. You know what I did? I looked around the room and I'm watching my friends raise their hand and I'm watching these guys over here raise their hand and this guy and I just went, yeah, probably so. And we just voted God out of the meeting. Just that simple. And for weeks after that, if you said God, there'd be somebody slide forward in their chair and go, uh-uh, remember? Crazy, right? Crazy. And it didn't just happen at my group. We've seen this over and over and over again. Go back and look at the steps. Go back and look at the big book. Go back. Go back and look at how much this stuff was our very foundation had God in the center of this thing unashamedly and why it is that we have to dance around it. It just, it drives me crazy when I feel this weird feeling that I need to tiptoe around on eggshells around ideas about spirituality and ideas about a relationship with God. It's because we don't want to be offensive with anything. We were in I'll be cool. I know these things travel around like that. We were in another country and Patty was there and my wife, Londa, was there too and we had just landed and we were in the car driving toward the conference hall where we're going to do this workshop like this and this guy says, hey, I just, maybe I could help you guys with the weekend. I'm glad y'all are here and let me make a couple of suggestions and Chris is in the back seat. I have to sit in the front seat with this knucklehead and Chris is sitting back there like this and I just look at Chris and I go, here it comes. He's going to, you know and he goes, you know being the country that we are we're not real big on God and so I'm thinking that maybe the way that you could make sure that these guys really like you here is to, y'all don't say anything about God and Chris leans up in the back seat and taps this guy on the shoulder and he said, hey, do me a big old favor, will you turn this effing car around. And the guy said, excuse me and Chris said, take us back to the airport now and the guy pulls over to the side of the road, kind of slows down and he said what, I don't understand. He said we came to this deal to talk about this. We're not going to pull out the core of what it is that we're talking about. This step two stuff is everything that we're here to talk about. Why do you want us to not talk about it? And he said well, I'm sorry, y'all go ahead and we did. And it was it was fun. It was it was fun. Listen, I sometimes around this idea about God it's getting the old ideas teaching you something new in AA teaching you something new theologically teaching you something new about anything is usually the easiest thing in the world to do. Getting you to set aside old ideas about this stuff is another issue. It's another problem. And so sometimes unlearning what we've learned I don't know where it came from, Mark Houston or who it was like that but I remember having a conversation one night with him talking about this idea of trying to figure out a way to get people to just reinvestigate all the stuff that they have and about everything. About everything. Chris is right on this stuff. Five years into the deal we think that we're walking authorities on everything AA. And a lot of us have depending on where you were taught, I mean, come on guys we teach what we're taught, right? So if somebody teaches you that God's a bad thing don't talk about it in a meeting, then what are you going to teach? You're going to teach what you're taught. If you're a 90 meetings and 90 day kind of guy, that's because somebody taught you that. You didn't make it up. Somebody taught you that. And so this is the stuff trying to get people to just kind of set this stuff down. And so we look at everything that we know about it and then we just decide, is this worth picking back up again or is this worth are we going to throw this away, start over? Like this. Guys, something has to set the baseline. Something has to set the idea about what it is that we pick up and what it is that we leave on the ground. And so you could either say, well, I'll let some other people determine that. Or you could, what we found a better way, is just be a student of the big book. Just go get the basic text again and go back through this stuff, pray about it a little bit then go back through it and then watch and see what comes out of that kind of stuff. And what you'll find is is that the baseline gets set for you based on what the first 100 taught us. Oh, by the way, and they taught us when their success rates were through the freaking roof. I mean, we're not even close. When you look at the statistical stuff and you got guys that were in the Minaret group in Minnesota and some that kept records for 10 or 15 years when they first started and they were over 90% of people getting sober and staying sober. 90% worldwide today we're barely 10%. Some places geographically a little more, some places a little less. Y'all understand what I'm saying? Where do we as a fellowship get off defending all of these crazy ass ideas when it's not working? This is the reason why I'm trying to say if we set a new baseline here then all of a sudden we'll find the success rate. How do I know that? I'm a member of a group in Dallas where that's what we do. Three meetings a week we study the book. I've had the pleasure of meeting three or four people here that have started book studies similar to the one I go to. And guys, I gotta tell you I don't, however it is, if you're in the book you're going to end up with people that are coming alive and awake to the idea of what this book holds and most of y'all understand that. Most of you. It's my prayer that even if you don't agree with me that eventually that you'll see the wisdom and at least moving towards a literature based baseline that sets your stuff. And so the deal is when you look in the book, when you look at the bedevilments and you look at the stuff over in We Agnostics, I mean Bill thought it was so important that he wrote a whole chapter there trying to get you to understand because it really is the only true stumbling block that you have. Once you're here and you recognize that you have no power then you gotta get the power and so the only way you're going to be able to do that is to, is God. It's this connection with our creator that connects up all the dots and so he understood that it was a problem for him, it was a problem for a lot of other early members and so let's figure out a way to so Bill Wilson in this chapter spends all this time giving us an example and then coasting a little bit and give us an example and coasting. I mean look at how many times he runs at it. It's laughable. I mean it's like he makes a point and then he simmers down and then he makes a point and then he simmers back down again. He makes a point over and over and over again trying to get you to understand because most of us it's intellectually where the problem is. Because I don't want to, in booze and dope land that you can't trust your instincts, I understand that. You get to the place where that still quiet voice is not there anymore and you don't want, you're not hearing it anymore. I get that. I understand that. The first thing that comes back when you get sober is this still quiet voice going, listen, listen, listen, pay attention. Look, go help him. Stay away from him. Stay away from her. Stay away from, I mean you're that little voice that's saying this kind of stuff but some of us are so scared that we don't trust it. One of the coolest things about a spiritual awakening is that we begin to trust implicitly this still quiet voice that says do this, don't do this. Which is just like, who knew? Who knew? So it's the coolest. If I'm sitting with you before a meeting and we're going to talk about, I'm going to help qualify you for a second and then I'm going to ask you about God if you're willing to believe and we're past that, I'm going to skip, we're going to go on. We'll look at a third step. Guys, I've done hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of one, two, three before anybody ever even got into a meeting. Y'all understand? I know some of you guys are going, no way. I'm going, yeah, way. Just a mano-a-mano, man-to-man talk sitting on the tailgate of my truck and we find out these kind of things and we're going to go. If you tell me and when we're sitting on that little tailgate piece, if you're telling me that God's still sideways in your crawl and you're not sure, guess what? I just tap the brake a little bit, we slow down, we're not going any faster, we're going to read, we agnostics, we're going to talk a little bit about it. You can't push somebody through that. I mean, it's like, it's like, have you ever tried to love somebody that you don't love? I mean, it's like trying to force somebody up a ladder. I mean, good luck with it. I mean, you're not going to be able to do that kind of stuff. And it's the same thing with the willingness is either there or it's not there. And I'm not going to be one of those kind of guys that forces you through stuff and now you're building foundation on top of a step that was insufficient, that was goofy in the first place like that. If you're not clear, if you make the decision that you're willing, you can build on that foundation. You don't have to have a full blown doctrine, guys. You don't have to go there. My problem was, I wanted to have a full doctrine before I was willing to lean into anything. And I'm way too stupid for that. I just, I can't do that. Flip over in your book to page 60, real, real quick. We're going to read a little deal here. I got to ask you the question. Am I the only guy in here that was surprised when you finally looked at and understood that we, at the end of the steps at the top of page 60 where they do step 12 like that, we're going to get down in here, we're going to get past the ABCs, and then look at this piece where it says being convinced we're at step 3, and now they're not talking about booze anymore. I keep looking for the connection to booze. We got three pages here, three and a half pages where we're not talking about anything except selfishness. I mean, I don't, I mean, just the line in there. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles? Uh-uh. No way. The root of my trouble, the root of my trouble is Canadian whiskey and methamphetamine. I'm just saying. You know, and if I get rid of that, I mean, this idea, it just seemed like it's like Bill found this after the book was already written and everybody like this, and they're all having a big party, and they're all sitting around clinking little buckets of Kool-Aid and having a great time like this, like this, and then somebody goes, hey, Bill, what what's this? And Bill looks at it and goes, oh, crap. Oh, shit, I don't know. Here, stick it here. I mean, it didn't seem to make any sense. When I first started reading it like this, because it's such an abrupt change from where we've been and what we've been talking about, and then he introduces us to this. How many of you guys were completely bitch-slapped by the idea that when you got sober, things didn't get all better? Some things get better when you get sober. Common sense will tell you that. Some things will get better like that. But how weird it was for a whole lot of us to realize that once I got free of the booze and the rest of this crap, I got free of it like this, that my life might get worse, not better. And when you make that determination and you see that, I'm going, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. I thought my problem was booze. I get rid of the booze, it's all going to be great. I'm going to wake up and I'm going to be this stellar husband and this fine-ass dad, and it's going to be everything is going to be great. I'm going to be the businessman I always wanted to be. I'm not going to be a slacker. I'm going to have a, y'all understand? And then I get sober and all this stuff doesn't manifest. And I'm thinking, what the, what the heck? They talk about, down at the bottom of this thing, these ABCs that we were alcoholics, could not manage our own lives. They're not talking about other areas of our life, guys. They're talking specifically about this ability to manage the decision of whether or not you're going to take the first drink. They're talking about the connection with the booze. Can you manage to not take that drink? If you can, rock on. You're not one of us. If you can't, welcome, you are. Be that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism, that's no group, no one, nobody that's going to be, and that God could and would if he were sought. And they get us into this step three thing, and then they start talking. The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. And then they mention motives down there. How many of you guys just would, I'd love to be judged by your motives? Me. I mean, like, with both hands up like that. Me. I don't, I, I, because my motives are good. Seriously. I mean, I didn't, I didn't mean to stay out all night. I meant to go home. I want you to judge me on the fact that what I meant to do, not what I did. And guys, we, we, this is a, this is a crap storm for a lot of us like this, because we, we get connected to that thing, and we want to be judged by that. And then they go on over, and then they introduce to this idea of being a self-seeker. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind? Let me tell you who will see this first. The greatest example I can give you, I think anyway, is look at your relationships. And, and so guys, y'all be quiet for a minute. And girls, I'm talking straight to you, okay? Think about the, think about going out on a date with a guy, okay? And now, so let me ask you a question. On, on, when you go out with a guy, can he be, in the very same night, the nicest guy in the whole wide world, and the most childish brat in the whole wide world, all in the same night? Yes, yes. I guess it works back the other way, too, but, but it's like, it's like, it's the craziest thing in the whole wide world like that. Yeah, I, I can go out, I can be, I can take date in Londa, I'd take her out like this, I'd be, man, I'd spend a bunch of money, I'd be a nice guy, I'd do all this, I'd be real kind. Right up until it looked like I might not get lucky. And then within seconds, I'm not a full-grown man anymore, I'm a three-year-old with stomping up and down and mad and starting, how many, heavy signs, just, until finally she goes, oh, oh, okay. And then, you see, all in the same night. This is embarrassing. Embarrassing to talk about. So our troubles, we, troubles we think are basically of our own making, they arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though you didn't think so, and it goes on and on and on. Guys, let me, let me, um, hold your finger, on that thought. Just, just where we are. Okay? Now, it's funny, when we're reading this, I always seem to read this from the perspective of me brand new in the program as a new guy, because working with a bunch of new guys like this, that's who I'm dealing with. But let me tell you who benefits from this more than anybody that I've seen lately like that. You old guys and gals, people that have been around, I mean, geographically that have been around the rooms for a number of years, pay attention. Um, if, if your life has gotten kind of stale, um, and not just in AA, I'm talking about if you're, if you're, things have just kind of flat lined, there doesn't seem to be much excitement to things anymore, there doesn't seem to be, um, a lot of this going on, uh, pay real close attention. Um, one of the things that I've noticed, and, and it kind of surprised me when it, when I kind of connected it up, was that, um, a lot of us will go through the work, we'll have an experience, and then we just sort of we sort of just sit there it's interesting how some sponsorship lineages will teach one thing and the other like that uh joe and charlie of which i'm from um that lineage teaches a lot about you know you you have this experience with the work and then you get on down the road and and there it is you live you live your life it's it's a great great concept i love it um the problem is is that um many years into this deal i was introduced to a bunch of guys that were um sobered up under with with uh don pritz and mark houston and a bunch of those guys in that lineage um um and they talked about working and reworking the steps and it was real easy for me to sit over here like this and look at them like they were some kind of convoluted screw-ups i mean just they were just like why would you we're here i mean what what is it you're looking for what i don't understand like that and it would take a while um scratch that what it would take is a bunch of pain what it would take eventually was a bunch of me struggling and hurting and and my wife standing at some distance from me kind of scratching her cheek going what's going on dude what you're starting to sound like a kid again you're starting to act like a child you're starting to you're starting to be dishonest about stuff for years this didn't happen and now you're telling me things my problem on his thing guys is i have a wide open mind and i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to do this right and i'm trying to have a wide open mind and i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to do this right and i'm trying to that is far smarter than me, and she has a memory that is from some alien world. I mean, they didn't invent hard drive computers. All they did was look inside my wife because she doesn't forget anything. I mean, our conversations would be like, six months ago you told me this. What is it like? Well, I don't know. But this is starting to happen over and over again like this, and she's calling me on this stuff, and I'm recognizing this, and so somebody suggested one time, Chris or Mark, I don't remember, said maybe you could rework those steps, and I went, maybe you could mind your own business. I don't know. Why do I want to go back through that again? I already went through it again. I don't want to go do this again like that. But eventually the pain of doing it, I did, and I went back through this stuff again, and I had this experience. And the thing that I found, the thing that I saw, I didn't find anything new around God. I didn't find anything new about first step experiences. I didn't find anything new about it. What I found, guys, was that this thing about selfishness and self-centeredness had come back and reared its ugly head in the form of an ego that had me justifying all kinds of atrocious behavior, and I was devastated by it, and so it was causing me all kinds of problems. Guys, if you're going to meetings and you can't wait to get out of that meeting again, if you're making excuses for not being involved with the fellowship, if you're doing all this kind of stuff, I'm not judging squat. I'm not judging any of it. I was there. I know that. But if you are, go back and look at this particular part and see which parts of self have begun to reassert themselves into this deal. Because along with that reassertion of self, comes this idea that you have to justify and condone all of this stuff that's going on, and it gets goofy. Because a lot of times, the only way I can justify it is to be dishonest. And you guys, y'all all know, there's nobody in here that doesn't clearly understand what happens when dishonesty creeps back in, even if it's really small, little bitty stuff. Did you do your nightlies last night? Oh, yeah, I did them, knowing that I hadn't done them in six months. Y'all understand? That's what dishonesty looks like, you see? But it starts there, little bitty stuff. And then pretty soon, I'm lying about little things like, you're not, how are you doing around that porn stuff? Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. Maybe. Maybe not. Y'all understand what I'm saying? Pretty soon, I'm lying about really, really big things like this. And nobody stays sober if you're a liar. Nobody stays sober. I promise you, your life will implode. Real quick, and then we'll let, my buddy Chris O'Doole finished this. In the middle of that prayer over on page 63, I want, we're now at step three. Many of us said to our makers, we understood him. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as I will. Relieve me of the bondage of self. And then it goes on down. I won't read the rest of it. But pay attention to this, guys. Dog hair in my mouth. Um. Maybe not. Relieve me of the bondage of self is what this stuff says. In the center of this, guys, in the center of this is, um, relieve me of the bondage of self. But they never said, relieve me of the bondage of Canadian whiskey and methamphetamines. Y'all understand what I'm saying? Again, I'm thinking at this prayer, when I totally dig the prayer, I love the way this stuff sets up in there like that. But if Bill asked me to rewrite parts of it, the very first thing I thought that I would do is go back and rewrite that prayer. Why don't we go ahead and put in there what the real problem is, which is booze and dope, right? We're going to do that. And it's not the problem. The problem is self. The problem is me. And this is what we're trying to see like that. Um. And watch it. You'll see it all the time like that. Guys, I'll get up in the morning. The bathroom is right there. I mean, I don't have. But before. I'll get up. Start walking toward the bathroom. And before I even get to the bathroom, my head's already going click, click, click. I'm already moving towards thinking about things and this kind of stuff. Self is in the picture like this. Protecting. Do I need to do this? Do I need to do this? Whatever. By the time I'm upstairs eating Cheerios or something, my head's already doing it. By the time. I'm just getting wrapped around the axle, man. I hadn't been up two hours. I'm dressed. I'm going to work. And I'm already irritated in the traffic and flipping people off and this kind of stuff. But I get off the elevator at work and I'm walking in like this. And somebody's looking at me and I'm going, what? You want some of this? Y'all understand what I'm saying? I mean, I'm already. Self is already manifesting in this way like this. And this is what we're trying to get clear. This is what we're trying to get clear of. So we don't have to deal with this thing. You deal with self. Get God in the middle of this thing so that self can be dealt with. And I guarantee you the rest of this thing is a piece of cake. It's the funnest stuff in the whole wide world. All right. Thank you all. I appreciate it. Thank you. Good morning, everybody. My name is Chris and I am an alcoholic. I am having a lot of fun this weekend. One of the things I kind of do on the side for a little bit of fun is I'm involved a little bit in addiction and alcoholism treatment, volunteer work mainly with a couple organizations. And there's certainly been times where I've been opinionated about things. You'll probably discover that this weekend. But I was on LinkedIn. I don't do this anymore. But there used to be a bunch of forums that I would follow on LinkedIn. And this one time I'm reading the different posts from different people. And an alcoholism addiction psychiatrist was making an opinion, putting in an opinion about Alcoholics Anonymous. And it wasn't really a great opinion. He basically says, I don't refer any of my patients to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't refer any of my patients to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't refer any of my patients to Alcoholics Anonymous anymore. They have like a 6% recovery rate. I could do better with a placebo. And my first reading of this, I'm like, ah! I'm typing, you asshole. But I had to start thinking about why would he say this? Why would this guy say something like this? You know, my experience is that Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. And I'm revolving around a group of people who are, you know, growing in recovery and effectiveness and usefulness. And, you know, everybody's, you know, all of our lives are pretty much getting really great. And this is my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's what I'm looking at. This guy's looking at the people who churn through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. When they get into alcohol, they get into alcohol, they get into alcohol, statistics for AA what they do is still you know a grad student will go over to a loony-noony in Manhattan and stand by the door and just ask people that are going in and out you know taking a roll call and if you do that for a couple of years you're gonna probably come up with six percent of the people that go through those doors will be there a year for a year from now but I started to think about how do I respond to this guy because I can't imagine how many people he's killing by you know not not offering them you know what I was offered and and the response I I started I started a conversation with him and I said I said to the guy he's a psychiatrist he's a medical doctor so I go I go let's say let's just say that you come up with a treatment and and a cure for pancreatic cancer you know you come up with this in the laboratory and you know it's gonna work and you do it you do a clinical study and you get a hundred people a hundred people come in for this clinical study and ninety percent of them don't go into the operating room they hang out in the waiting room and they drink coffee and they get a pancreatic sponsor and they get a you know and they exchange phone numbers with each other and but they never go in for the operation I and the ten percent of the people that go in for the operation recover you know so they come back to you and they say okay the effectiveness of this cure for pancreatic cancer is ten percent would you think that's fair and he writes back to me he goes no I would only count the people that that went in for the operation I go you're counting all the people in our waiting room when you're saying six percent of the people that go into Alcoholics Anonymous don't recover you're you're counting the you're counting our waiting room we've got a lot of people in the waiting room in Alcoholics Anonymous who just don't just don't embrace embrace this recovery this recovery solution another thing that that kind of annoys me is there's there's a there's kind of a D godding going on in in Alcoholics Anonymous there's there's some people who really think that the viewpoint back in the 30s We've learned so much more, and there's this subtle change in the way people want to deal with God. I think a lot of this comes from the higher places in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think if you look at the literature that's been produced from AA over the last 40 or 50 years, you know, most of it de-emphasizes God. I mean, look at Living Sober. Look at some of the pamphlets. You know, the emphasis has come off of the real solution. I met, I was at a forum. I was out in Denver. I was in Denver a couple weeks ago, and I got invited to a forum by some friends of mine. And that's where the general service people all go out to an area, and they present on all their topics. And I got introduced to the guy who's running the board at GSO. A really nice guy. You know, his heart is absolutely in the right place. He's a non-alcoholic. But when I went back home, I started to read up a little bit on this guy. And I did. And I got a piece of his latest writing. And what he says is, the biggest problem in AA today is membership. You know, how many people are here? And I started to say, I don't think that's the biggest problem in Alcoholics Anonymous today. I don't think the biggest problem is membership. You know, Chris held up the grapevine. It said, don't drink, you go to meetings. I think if general service thought, kill a chicken and shoot your sponsor. Or got more people in the door, they'd put that on the book. You know what I mean? I mean, it's not about how many people we can get through the door. It's not about quantity. It's about quality. It's about quality. This is a program of recovery. What happened in the early days was, Alcoholics Anonymous looked like this. There'd be a meeting a week, maybe. And people would go. And they'd go to that meeting and talk about the people that they were working with. You know, so Monday night would be the meeting. Tuesday night, a bunch of them would go to the hospitals. A bunch of them would go to the jails. And they were looking around for people who would be prospects for Alcoholics Anonymous. Who they could start to work the steps with. So Alcoholics Anonymous was a program of recovery with a support fellowship. What's happened over the course of the years is, for some reason or another, most people think, Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of sobriety. Oh yeah, and there's that program, too. You know, so we've come so far away from where we are. In the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous, these were hopeless, low-bottom, critical, chronic alcoholics. That's who were walking through the door. And these are difficult, difficult people to work with. So the solution, the amazing thing to me is the solution, that they came up with, the 12 steps, is so effective. It's effective for the worst of the worst. You know, our alcoholism is so chronic, and so critical, and so corrosive, that really the only solution is the power of God. You know, it's not behavioral. It's not, you know, well, I'm going to learn some tools, and I'm going to check for triggers. I mean, you know. It had to be a greater, a greater solution than that. The solution actually had to be the power of God. Now, when I walked through the doors, and I saw up on the wall, the 12 steps, you know, I wasn't pleased, you know, when I saw God in higher power. I'm like, you know, and what they did was they, you know, they brought me in, and they made me comfortable, and they made me welcome at meetings. And I was. I was just a lunatic in my head for, you know, until I started working the steps. I was just, I was no vision for you. I got to tell you, I was, you know, I was, you know, I'd be, I'd be in a discussion meeting, you know, and I'd be sitting there like this, all cleaned up. And I'd look over, and, you know, somebody's raising, oh, no, no, he's raising his hand. Oh, my God, please, please don't call on him. I don't want to, I don't want to hear it one more time. I got to hear it, no, don't go, oh, my God, they're calling on him. Oh, God, now I'm going to have to hear him share about his family for five minutes, you know. Tell us, dude, tell us somebody who cares. Oh, God, oh, and then, and then, you know, he, oh, finally, he's, finally, he shuts up. Finally, he shuts up. Thanks for sharing, you know. Oh, God, it was just, I was a, I was a, I was a, I was a freaking lunatic. Oh, God, it was just, I was a, I was a, I was a freaking lunatic. You know, the, we, some of us, the, the tricky thing is some of us know how to clean up well, you know. Some of us know how to look like we're sane. Because we, it was a, it was a skill that we really needed when we were out there running around like lunatics, you know. And so, a lot of people will come into meetings and they'll, you know, they'll look good. You don't know how, how whack they are until you start working with them. But, but, but, but giving. Giving the wrong solution, giving an ineffective solution. It would be like, it would be like, you know, okay, I had cancer, I did chemo and radiation, I'm, I'm now in remission. And somebody comes up to me and says, yeah, I got the same exact cancer as you. But I don't feel like doing that chemo and that radiation. Okay, well, just keep coming. You, you know. The only requirement for membership is having cancer. I, I mean, it, it doesn't make, it doesn't make any sense. You. You know, we really need to be focusing on, on the solution. The, the, the problem, the problem in AA, folks, is not, is not the membership. The, the problem is sometimes the quality of sponsorship, you know. I really do think most problems in AA will, would be solved by effective, experienced sponsorship. You know, so step two, I'm looking at step two on the wall and I'm thinking, you know, God. Now, now here's. Here's the, here's the thing, when you're working with others, you don't know what their belief system is. When you say, God, it means something to you, it could mean something completely different to somebody else. And to become an effective sponsor or to help somebody come to terms with step two, you know, sometimes you got to be pretty practiced at, at, at that because of these belief systems. We beg of you to lay aside prejudice to get even, you know, against spiritual, even religion, you know. They beg of us to set that aside because these old belief systems will be what stop us from going forward. Now here was my belief system about God. God was up on a cloud in heaven. He was an old man with white flowing hair and beard in a big white robe. And he had, he had a ledger where he was keeping track of the Schroeder kids sins. And, and at the end of the day. You know, Judgment Day, I'm going to have, I'm going to have to answer for those sins when I go up there. What? You know, this is something that was instilled into my head in Sunday school by a psychotic religious person, you know. And, and I'm bringing this into my adulthood, you know. That, that kind of a God would keep me sober no seconds. You know, and that's what, that's what I'm thinking. When I, when I'm looking up on the wall that, you know, God will, God will restore me to sanity. That was my belief system. I had to start changing my, my, my belief system in step two. I had to start looking at it a little bit differently. I love, I love the way the big book does it. Because it talks about Ebby saying to Bill, you know, how about if you come up with your own conception of God. If, you know, you're, you're so belligerent and, you know, so obstinate. That was a beautiful pivotal point, I think, in, in our, in our philosophy and in our program. To, to, to be able to come to terms with something that isn't, you know, flat written, you know, theological doctrine dogma. And I started to look, you know, I've been through the big book a number of times. And this, this book is a hundred miles deep, you know. Like when I. The first time I wrote it, some things, some things, you know, can't, oh, oh, yeah. I've been through this without exaggeration probably 400 times. Every time I go through it, there's, there's a new, you know, there's a new trajectory that pops out at me. And, and one of these times was I started to look at how Bill described God. Bill described God like this. The father of light. A power greater than yourself. The great. Reality. There's, there's all these descriptives of this, of this, this God that he's talking about. And they didn't line up at all with an old man sitting on a cloud. Bill was talking about something different. Bill was, Bill wasn't talking about a noun, you know, a, a being. He was talking about a verb, a power. And I started to, I started to change. I started to change the way I thought about God. We admit in step one that we're powerless over alcohol. We can't manage our own lives. We admit that in step one. So what would be the solution to that? The solution would be power and management. You know, and that's really what I believe we're looking at in, in step two. We need to gain access to a power that can relieve us of this. This crazy obsession to drink, to drink alcohol. And we need to, we need to gain access to a power that'll, that'll help guide us into a more effective, effective life. And when I'm, when I'm working with somebody, I really try to use, I really try to use descriptives that the person can buy into. You know, I used to pretend I believed in, in God. And you know, now, now I, now I believe. In God. It's a, you know, it's, it is the great reality. The consciousness of the presence of God is something I understand. And, you know, step, step 11, improving my conscious contact. That, that assumes that we develop a contact and a relationship with God somewhere in this process. And I think step two is, is coming to terms, coming to terms with, you know, we're, we're gonna. We're going to work on doing that. And step three is making a decision to work on it. Here's what they used to do in the old days. I loved how, how Dr. Bob would do step three. They called it a demonstration back then. You know, step three. You know, he'd get somebody, he'd qualify him. It'd take him 10 minutes or something, you know. Hey, doctor, if you do the math, Dr. Bob worked with like three or four people a day for the 15 years he was sober. And. He didn't waste a lot of time because he was a doctor too, you know, he, he wouldn't spend a whole lot of time on it, but, you know, he'd qualify you and, and then, and then he, he'd tell you that God is the solution. And then he, he'd ask you, you know, do you believe in God? And you'd say yes or something. And he'd say, okay, we need a demonstration. You know, get on your knees and turn your will over to the care of God, you know, in front of all of us, you know, I turned my will over to God. That didn't sound authentic enough. Do it again. You know, it was like, it was like a demonstration, you know, I, I need, God, I need you in my life. I have totally messed up my life. I, you know, I, I can't control my drinking. I can't stay away from it. My, you know, my life has completely fallen apart. You know, help, help me, help me. And that was, that was, that was the demonstration. Um, I've done this countless times with, with people that I've sponsored and I've worked with. And, you know, we've, we get on our knees and we'll, we'll either do the third step prayer or, uh, or, or something quite like it. And, and it's some of these prayers when, when they're done, when you pray them, they get answered. You know, when you ask God authentically from the depths of your heart. It's, it's hard. You know, when you ask God authentically from the depths of your heart. You know, when you ask God authentically from the depths of your heart. And, and, and in a humble way, to please come into your life and to help you with this stuff. God comes into your life. It may not be exactly the way you think it's going to look, but, but it, it happens and it's needed. And, you know, step three, that, that demonstration. What is that step? I, I think a lot of people have mistaken step three for the prayer. You know, I do. step three every day you know they put it in the third step prayer is an affirmation prayer an affirmation prayer is a prayer that you say once you already believe once you're already committed you affirm that belief and you affirm that commitment so so step three really is a decision it's a it's an actual decision to go through the rest of the steps and to start to develop a conscious contact and a relationship with this power that will enable you to survive alcoholism in step 10 it talks about the problem being removed how does the problem get removed you know we're safe and protected it says we're not going to fight alcohol anymore the fight's going to be over how does that happen how does that happen it happens through a spiritual experience a spiritual experience that starts with coming to believe that there's a power greater than ourselves and making a decision to access that power that really is what happens in Alcoholics Anonymous and that worked for the most chronic critical low-bottom alcoholics that Bill and Bob could find you know this is a powerful program this is a powerful it has been watered down so extremely over the years that it's scary but there are pockets of enthusiasm there are pockets of enthusiasm where people are still doing this work and having this having this spiritual awakening and then you can't stop them from working working with other alcoholics and you know it it truly it truly is a amazing amazing to see and today I you know I can say the consciousness of the presence of God is the most important thing and in my life it's not the way I would have seen it you know back back in the day back after going to the church and Sunday school and stuff like that it's not it has it bears no relation on you know the belief system that I brought into Alcoholics Anonymous it's so different it's so different today but I you know I can tell you I'm a hopeless alcoholic. You know, the amount of powerlessness I experienced in my last four or five years of drinking was incredible. And for me to have been able to stay sober and for my life to have improved the way it has is really nothing short of a miracle. You know, it is what we do. What we do in this step work is we place ourselves in the sunlight of the spirit by meetings, steps, service, and sponsorship. We place ourselves in the sunlight of the spirit where God can do God's healing. We have to participate. There's a wonderful line in the 12 and 12. It says, God will not render us white as snow without our cooperation. So how then shall I cooperate? Meetings, steps, service, and sponsorship. If I place myself in the sunlight of the spirit, that's where God can do the healing, you know. And that's pretty amazing. You know, I want to end by reading two sections, and I am going to read from the 12 and 12. In the forward to the 12 steps and 12 traditions, Bill writes, AA's 12 steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, and spiritual in their nature. Which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. It's one of my favorite sentences in any of our literature. The 12 steps are a group of principles. Spiritual in nature, if we practice them as a way of life, it will expel the obsession to drink alcohol and enable us to become happily and usefully whole. That is amazing. That's the good news. What's the bad news? I'm going to read from page 174. This is buried in tradition nine, and this is another very, very important couple of sentences. It says, unless each AA member follows to the best of his ability our suggested 12 steps to recovery, he almost certainly signs his own death warrant. That's pretty serious. His drunkenness and disillusion are not not penitents inflicted upon are not penalties inflicted upon the people in authority. They result from his personal disobedience to spiritual principles. Folks, if you ever see me out there, staggering down the street, drunk as a goat, is going to be because of my personal disobedience to spiritual principles. It's not going to be because she left me. It's not gonna be because she stayed. You know, it's gonna, it's gonna, it's gonna be because she left me. She, the why woman have all the real weird things and issues that make her mad. The reason why she left me, is not because of my personal disobedience to spiritual principles that's all I got thanks okay we please ask that you take a real 15-minute break be aware of that please be respectful of the hotel