Step 10 Is a Spot Check Inventory Not an Evening Review – Katie P.

Hello, and welcome to SoberCast, where we provide AA speaker meetings and workshops in podcast format. We're an ad-free podcast, and if you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by visiting Sobercast.com, look for the donate link, and drop a dollar or two into our virtual basket. We hope you enjoy the podcast. Have a great day. Hi, y'all. I'm Katie from Austin, Texas. alcoholic. My God, the great state of Texas. One tip. Texas is not the South. Strong misunderstanding. See, the South is east of Texas, Texas is just Texas. I am proud of my state, I hope you're proud of your state. See? Don't be giving me a hard time about me loving my state I uh I've been sober since October 28th of 1984 and for that is just a true blessing I'm telling you yeah I'd be happy to take that I'm uh I'm 29 years sober and uh I got sober when I was 26 years old and I gotta tell you you know I didn't come in when I was 16 not there's anything against that I there was just no stopping me and uh but I got silver at 26 and and I've been sober almost 30 years you know and I think I look pretty doggone good you know it's a it's amazing what happens when you quit putting poison in your body and and you take an entirely different angle at life and so life has been I love what Matthew said you know he said butterflies are not going to fly out of your butt what a beautiful way to put it you know only we could appreciate that and and that's absolutely right you know I don't know where the delusion came in that made me believe that if I got sober life was going to be great it's a delusion nobody told me that I just believed it and when stuff came at me I couldn't figure out why that was happening to me doesn't look like that's happening to Mary doesn't looked like that happened into Jane and it's so interesting and as you hear the stories of all the speakers you're gonna get a completely different perspective of how life rolls out for everybody some people actually come into alcoholics anonymous and have very little tragedy ever happened to them and some of us have more tragedy than we need and so I'm very grateful for the committee for putting this together oh my god van and Harlan do you love them I'll tell you it takes a couple of people in alcoholics anonymous to pull this kind of stuff off now they get a lot of help don't get me wrong but there's ringleaders and alcoholics synonymous and I am grateful for them I you bet let's hear it for every ring leader you know if you sponsor half the country you'll find out that there's a lot of people who will say you know I'm moving to such-and-such and they don't have any good meetings there and to me I'm like well then start one you know build the fellowship you crave if you're not digging what you're seeing go build the fellowship Ukraine you know take that responsibility absolutely and it's It's really amazing because, you know, when I talked with Zan and Harlan, I immediately knew that they were a Charlie and Katie. And one of the things is Charlie was always the camp coordinator in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, I was 26, he was 28, my husband was 30. We were young people in Alcoholic Anonymous, yeah. We are now the old-timers, but I think we're making it look pretty good. Right, Eileen? By God, I want a set of those glasses, that's for sure. got a couple of glasses up here you tell me which ones you think are cuter that's got one vote the other ones oh no these okay I'm leaving them on then I can't see y'all but that doesn't matter it's all about looking cute you know but so Charlie was the ringleader he was the one who got us to go to the slip and slide and got volleyball and got, you know, sober bowling. And I mean, I had not, I could not imagine having fun sober and neither can the new guy today. It's our responsibility to show them how to have fun and not just in the hour of the meeting. You got to get them in the car. You know, who wants to take the new guide to coffee? Nobody. They don't. Oh, God, we're going to have to hear all about him. Come on, get in the car. You know, it's interesting. But then, so back to Zan and Harlan. Okay, so we're doing a lot of email. They like to email. I'm not a big emailer. I'm Not a Big Texter. I'm NOT a big, you know, computer person. And so they're having to wait two or three days before they even hear from me. And, oh, yeah, it is. It's not good. And so I'm in the airport, and I'm not quite sure who's picking us up at the airport when we get here. And so, I'm at the Austin Airport, and Zan had called, but I thought she said her name was something else. So, I wasn't quite sure if I was calling the host back or who. So,I was just going to say, you know, hi. And so ,I call and I said, hi, and she goes, why do you always have to be so sweet? and i said well i was really quite a bitch at the counter just a minute ago you missed it because i mean i'm in an airport i am not always the nicest person in an airport and and then all of a sudden xan realized it was me and then she was terribly embarrassed and i thought i missed the whole point do you know what i mean and she is delightful she picked us up at the airport it was wonderful and then when i met harlan oh my god are we cut from the same cloth. Let me tell you, we'd be the ones sitting in a home group AA meeting like this. Look at them over there. You see what they're saying? Oh, for God's sakes. You know what I mean? We are pot stirrers. You got that person in Elka? Shooting spit wads at somebody. Oh, I just fell in love with him right away. He said he knows I'm kind of gail that likes to take order right so i am if matthew's line was going to interrupt the comedian right they can you know keeping these things on task you got to get the stuff moving and harlan said i need to get this receiving line out here i said well you know get him over there and he goes he looks at me he goes can you do that and i went yes i can oh my god i love it it's like everybody follow me keep walking keep walking people right through here right through here everybody just head on down there yeah just keep walking no stopping no questions just move move move move some little girl she may be in here she goes what are they all doing i said it's a receiving line she goes for what i said to thank the speaker and she goes oh i said you need to stand in that line and thank that speaker bye golly i don't know if she did it she's in here right now i know she is going oh god i remember what you look like See I'm a take charge kind of gal. It's in my DNA and then I suffer from alcoholism so I am an extreme example of self will run riot, though she usually doesn't think so. It was interesting we were speaking with Sandy Beach one of my big heroes and God I love Sandy Beach so much and we're speaking with him in Midland Texas of all places and I don't know if you've ever been there, but it's ugly. And I don't know why anybody would want to live in Midland, Texas, but we're sitting there and Gary Kluxdahl is speaking, right? Former trustee love Gary Klixdahl. Looks like a big old gorilla up here. And Sandy goes, oh, Katie, I'm not feeling very good. And i said, Sandy, are you okay? I mean, he's all white and he takes three breaths and Jen just kind of collapses on me and I thought oh my god sandy beach just died right on me you know that was my first thought is oh my God and I look at a guy and I go and then I look at Charlie and I could get somebody and Charlie gets up we're trying not to cause any ruckus you know and then all of a sudden the the we clearly see we got to lay Sandy down he's still alive you know Gary stops talking and and the room is just quiet and we lay sandy down and in comes out we are in Midland Texas in comes this 21 year old EMT I'm not liking what I'm saying you know what I mean he's got no gurney and I'm a take charge kind of gal and he comes in I think oh that's not good at all and and he looks at Sandy starts asking him some questions Sandy's kind of you know a little coherent and and the guy decides to sit him up the EMT and I leaned forward I got my little speaker ribbon on lean part I said oh that's not a good idea and he goes see he has no idea the trouble he's in right now that that is not a good hand in my face is fighting words you know what I mean him and uh and I thought you know What Katie I had a moment of clarity where it was like you got your speaker ribbon on you better behave just behave just step back so I stepped back and all of a sudden he set Sandy up and Sandy started shaking and He sat him back down, and I leaned forward. I said, that's it. Get a gurney now. For God's sakes, he's 80-plus years old. What, are you going to check him out before you put him in the ambulance? So we get ready to get, so he goes, I'll get the gurney, gets the gurnee, gets ready to put him into the ambulance, and I'm going to step up in the ambulance with him, right? You know, I mean, I am on my way to the hospital. And he just stops me like this. He goes, ma'am, you can't go back there. And I said、I'm goingto the hospital。 And he says、only family。 And I said, I am his girlfriend. And I swear this 21-year-old kid goes like this, really? Happen to like older men, okay? So he lets me ride in the front with him. And we get to the hospital and they start asking me questions. I go, heck, I didn't know Sandy's name isn't really Sandy. yeah that's problem that's a problem when they're typing all that stuff in the computer and you're supposed to I told him I said we just started dating not too long and they said his birthday I thought oh I leaned over I said Sandy the stories falling apart quickly but long story short I said to Sandy I said Sandy listen I am I am a take charge kind of gal and if you'll let me I'll run the show but if you don't want me to i won't and he said i want you to and it was like thank you jesus oh my god and so you know because they wanted to perform surgery that we're in midland texas they are not touching my sandy beach are you with me on that they're not touching they're going to medevac him to somewhere like houston or dallas but we ain't having surgery in midland and in walks a an asian doctor nothing against him being asian it was a little awkward in middlin texas to have an asia walk in and uh and uh so long story short uh the the doctor was giving me nothing i was trying to get sandy's cardiologist on the phone blah blah blah but the truth of the matter is i went out there and a nurse really took a liking to me and and uh we have a way with people harlan just said it about the fire marshal you know you guys were able with the fire marshall to stay here and we we do that it's not always good but we do do it and so i started rubbing her shoulder and i said I need for you to look into his records and she goes oh ma'am I can't do that I said I know I know and I swear this is what she's going I'm not supposed to be doing this that's called self-will run riot people but we got Sandy out of there and able to speak and it was absolutely sensational yeah and i swear to god he came alive and he went back to uh his cardiologist and he needed a pacemaker you know what i mean thank god he didn't get one put in in midland texas i got off on that tangent because i love zan and harlan i love what they do i love the direction that they go and thank god this thing is alive and well with all the help they get i'm not yeah so i love that love that loved that loved it um oh eileen oh my god eileen and i thelma and louise could you see us together and we're about seven years apart in age we could drive a car off a cliff and enjoy it no doubt about it no no doubt a great message of hope i loved it uh i i tell you and i love she's the time keeper you know she's made that clear she's the timekeeper she went 50 minutes so there's 10 minutes out there for anybody to take i'm taking them okay so that's how i'll justify that one um my husband did a spectacular job he does for best first step i've ever heard i'm crazy in love with him i'm i love my husband i'm pissed off at him right now but we won't get into that and although i could do a tenth step with a large group of people right now and Lowell you're not too far behind him so um and I love Pat I am crazy about Pat uh just everything about you Pat I just love you and the fact that your alcoholic is still drinking makes me want to go slap the crap out of him but other than that yeah I'll do it and I will do it when I get home uh Matthew's story is just absolutely unbelievable and I loved yeah I loved everything Matthew said. I, too, share the same belief that he does. You know, I love, I personally love that we don't need to be politically correct. I don't like political correctness. I really don't. I'm telling you. I think that every kid wins is crazy. Every kid wins, so when you get out there in life and you get fired, suck it up, okay? you know I just am NOT a big fan of politically correct and so I think that reality is reality and the world is a tough place out there you know what I mean it's wonderful and it's also tough you know don't even get me started so and then and then everybody's going to get an opportunity to hear Lori speak and Lori and I've had the privilege of speaking together and she's just a doll just an absolute doll it's got a great story and then father Tom we just spoke together in Cedar Rapids I just I feel like I should call your brother Tom I don't know why i just want to be brother and sister here you know and tom's story is amazing and it's uh um definitely you don't want to miss it i know you won't and then rich and lauren i just am crazy about rich and Lauren i swear we just spent time in Puerto Vallarta together and it's they are wonderful wonderful people and rich speaks on sunday and they're expecting a baby in july and wait yeah and and have him tell you about about names it's it's really quite interesting when he starts talking about names. It's a, well, you're going to have to figure, you'll figure out based on your name where you're going in life. So if you're ever wondering where you are going in life, just ask Rich. He'll fill you in on names. So let me get started. I got sober October 28th of 1984. My home group is the primary purpose group. We study the big book line by line as Charlie said and there was a time in my life that would not have interested me at all. The big book, I wasn't ever against the big book I wasn't ever one of those people I went oh there's a big book thumper I and I'm not really quite sure what that term means I guess it's got something to do with a Bible thumpper or whatever but but the truth of the matter is as I just felt that the big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was a little elementary I just thought it was about drinking it needed to be updated mean come on World War one he was he saw some sort of tombstone that said won it by air to it by water you know you're like whatever and the jaywalker really really and that's about it I mean I when you when you do a pass through the book I just found no interest in it at all and today I can tell you guys that's not at all where I'm coming from and I'm not here to ever say anyone's doing it right wrong or indifferent you will hear my story and my story will share my experience of how I did do many things in Alcoholics Anonymous incorrect some people say there are no mistakes bullshit oh yeah there's a lot of people out there that have been hurt by my mistakes I'm sure that they would see that a little differently and so yes there are a lot mistakes I think people can make and and I think too it's very challenging because when you share a message this is my opinion and God knows we all have plenty of them behind the podium we just have figured out how to dress them up nicely my opinion is is wherever you are is where you are and if you want to go somewhere different you get to go somewhere different and if you like where you're you stay where you it's all that it's all about me seeing what's available for me and and I'll tell you guys there's a I have three beautiful grandchildren oh my god our grandkids God's do over or what oh they love you right out of the gate I mean it is fabulous seven three and two and my seven-year-old just thinks I hung the moon I mean he's a a little boy and he just you know he just litters when i come around and and uh when i get to keep him he's so funny he'll say graham can i have a popsicle before dinner i'm like have three jeez run with the scissors i don't care watch spongebob all day whatever a sponjob is you know uh you know the book says something fabulous this is the most satisfying years of of our existence lie ahead I hope your life is a parade I hope you can look the world in the eye I hope you can have a conversation with any human being out there see one of the things that I know about that statement today is is I always thought that the most satisfying years of my existence lied ahead which meant once I got that job once the mortgage was paid for once I landed the guy once I got this kid out of trouble, then it'll be good. And see there is that delusion that I made up on my own, my own old ideas that if I got sober life got great. No, no it doesn't. No as a matter of fact life is life. Life comes at you. Tragic things happen, sometimes not so tragic. Sometimes it can be something as simple as an email that somebody sends you and they say some lovely things about you and then slap you at the last two lines pop and the next thing you know all day long you're just thinking of those two lines see that's the bondage of self today and that's what i understand the 12 steps are just trying to keep me unblocked see i get blocked very easily and i don't even know i'm blocked till everybody bugs me you look at me what are you looking at yeah look at the bank account not enough money look at my body don't like the way it looks got a sponsee calling don't want to talk to her pain in the ass see and i don't know that's happening i just think i'm having a bad day book says i'm restless irritable and discontented actually says i maladjusted to life full flight from reality cannot differentiate the true from the false that's a problem and that's not just drinking see i always thought everything in the book was about me drinking so once i got sober i believed that i didn't have those problems anymore i believed i wasn't selfish and self-centered anymore i mean i'm a little bit egocentric we have different words for it but selfish and self-centered no I'm not stingy and conceited I was voted most likable four years in a row in high school how could I be selfish and self-centred you have any idea how hard that was by the way there was a lot of sucking up I had to do man and but you know it's interesting because one of the things that I can tell you is I missed it i missed it completely missed it and my life was doggone good it was very good for many many years and and here's what's tricky is as i thought i you know i i don't i do i do the line uh that uh charlie stole from me um the uh on page 29 where it says each individual in his personal stories describes in his own language from his own point of view the way he establishes relationship with god i don't spend much time at all in my drinking and uh and the only reason i don is because i just don't want to if you want to know the truth i just don't wanna spend time in my drink i've got 29 years sober that i think is much more fascinating than my drinking that was really difficult uh the my drinking is when i start i can't stop and i can stop starting it was it really narrows it down that quickly and uh And I had a beautiful five-year-old daughter that I drug through hell. I know incomprehensible demoralization. Put that kid in places she had no business being in. I knew that was wrong. And I have to go get a lot of alcohol to just numb that pain of seeing those little eyes looking at me. It was terrible. Anybody that has kids knows it. Having children, I tell you, having kids and being alcoholic is terrible, isn't it? You know, they like to get up early. and they like to eat a lot and they talk all the time oh, oh, and that sweet little girl is turning 35 today, isn't that something? it's pretty doggone cool, she is, oh she's delightful she is an untreated Al-Anon, I will say that, she's untreated and she worries about everything, it breaks my heart And if she doesn't have something to worry about, she'll ask you and then she'll worry for you, you know, about whatever you need. And the disease of alcoholism runs deep in the family, runs very, very deep. I don't – I know we laugh, but it's pretty painful sometimes to watch. But I can tell you something here, guys, that I understand today that every answer to every problem I have is in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn't matter if you believe that or not. I believe that 100%. And Mark used to say, how do you know what you don't know? and that's not that I've done it all and I know, it's the fact that I have got the experience to say that is absolutely true and that is the part that blows me away my ego won't let any of that come in I remember sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous at 17 years hearing that message thinking whatever, whatever I know what AA has to offer me, see that is what the ego sounds like, the ego sounds so prideful and it can also sound really like this you didn't do anything wrong it can oh it's just a shapeshifter if you've watched any true blood you know what that is I swear to blood makes you just want to smoke a cigarette afterwards done it's like I love these balcony seats that's like royalty up there in it uh-huh yeah hey we can do the wave but you know so these are the three things when I when I find my way into Alcoholics Anonymous I I chase a boy into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous he had six years sober I didn't even know what that word meant I chased him into the room of Alcoholic Synonymous I knew I had a problem long before I ever came into AA I probably would not have made my way in to AA for another five to ten years they probably what would have gotten my attention is if Child Protective Services had taken my daughter that would have gotten my intention and I would have come into AA and I can tell you the kind of gal I am I'd have got myself knee-deep with you boys I know that I'm the kind a gal who when you take away the drink my sex powers rise up and and I loved it Pat used it Eileen used it what we do is women guys is we're not necessarily going out there to get laid we're just going out through to use our sex powers to borrow your pickup truck so you'll help me move i need i need some manual labor you know what i mean and i mean i can get it going on remember i was voted most likable i can i mean you can just love me and you can have all the hopes in the world that we're going to roll into hey ain't happening you know and so that's kind of what we have a tendency to do we women lean on our sex powers unfortunately i think we're running the show but uh and i believe that i believe that i sponsor enough women to always bring it back to your sex powers and um but that one always gets me in trouble so i'm gonna um that's all that's my bandwagon on that um so i chased a boy into the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and oh my god the laughter in here wow it was the first time i realized i hadn't laughed in a long long time that's pretty painful and i'll tell you what there's people in this room that aren't laughing today you know that's the best thing in the world you could do at an aa meeting the next aaa meeting you're at when everybody's laughing you look around for the guy that's not laughing that's The Guy That Needs Your Help that's my primary purpose right there you know see I have a tendency to forget that when everything's just and so I'm just loving the laughter I'm loving this guy we're going to clearly get married you know he's six years sober i'm 10 minutes sober a match made in heaven thank god nobody was the arbiter of my sex life you know thank god Nobody was telling me to wait a year before I got into a relationship wherever that came from whoever has done that really I haven't met him yet to me it to me I think if you wait a Year before you get into a relationship what that makes you is horny yeah horny and you'll pick the next person i'll take you you know i always tell my girls how about you just go have a cup of coffee you know try i got no problem with you dating at 30 days sober i really don't just go have a couple coffee you know i mean am i going to really ask a sponsee to do something that i couldn't have done it's a little faultless don't you think it's a little ridiculous actually so i just say just try not to roll in the hay can we do that or neck i love that when you said neck oh god i told charlie one time i said you know what let's just make out in public right here just um and you know that's really hard to talk my husband into that but uh oh my god i just fell in love with the fellowship and everything i was one of the lucky ones there's people come into aa and hate it right away i loved it i loved everything about it and uh and so joe kept saying uh oh katie this is all wrong this isall wrong i've got time and don't have time and it's just wrong and this is me no come to the light you know what is it on oh brother we're out though the sirens you know and you boys are so easy oh my god they're just like catching a fish you just you feel the tug and you just real slow and then And then when you got the hook, he'd just go, woo! Got him! And, oh, I swear, I swear,I swear, but and so Joe kept saying, Katie, this is all wrong. No, it's not. No, no, no. Long story short, we were married for 20 years. Isn't that wonderful? Yeah. Thank God nobody was the arbiter of my sex life. And we had what I would consider a pretty amazing life. He taught me everything about Alcoholics Anonymous. And wait till you hear this you're gonna some people would say this was wrong well you know it wasn't it worked great I sat at his feet while he read me the big book in the chair and he read the big-book and he taught me about alcoholism he taught about integrity dignity honor respect I had a female sponsor I mean don't get me wrong but I mean he just he just fed me and fed me and fed man I remember when I had about 10 years sober he said and he always had six years more than we I got sober on his sobriety date it was very special and and he said to me because you passed me up and he said that was sincerity. And I thought, I know. Let's just have a moment with that one. But so what but here's the tricky thing this is this is what happened. I thought alcohol I thought AA was about drinking. And that when the obsession to drink left me which was about 90 days I really believe if you're going to have the educational variety of a spiritual awakening the obsession will leave you in about 90 that's been my experience at you know my observation is sponsoring a lot of people if I get you into the work quickly the obsession we'll even about 90 days and what happens after that I believe is that we begin to manage our lives because we don't know what self-will is we really really don't I i came into alcoholics anonymous absolutely driven as a child i was driven i did not like the way i felt from the minute i knew a feeling i loved vicks formula 44. how many of y'all remember that black licorice i mean just whoo i was a sick kid anyway with the croup and i mean i had a bottle of that stuff forget the spoon i still drank cough medicine out of the bottle and uh you know i just taken a hit off that vick's formula 44 and here's another thing at eight years old I loved hyperventilating I don't know if you guys had it we found it man you wrap a towel up you get your sister and you strangle each other till you pass out and it was heaven and the best part was coming back in oh and I loved it I swear I think it's a perfect test for alcoholism you know you could get a room full of kids that wanted to hyperventilate and the ones that were screaming do it do it we're probably alcoholic and the ones that were running out of the room screaming where the Al-Anon's you know they're and one time my sister you know at the bus stop I did it she fell down hit her head cracked her head open I got a bunch of trouble but the thing I love is I mean the thing i know is that I did not like the way I felt from day one I was the youngest of three we were raised in a Catholic family I guess maybe they were Irish I don't know maybe they were Scottish German could you have German Catholics yeah okay okay well whatever and so we were raised in that Catholic family and and and all of a sudden unexpectedly I'm eight years old actually you know between eight nine years old and my mother dies unexpectedly she died at 33 years old it was heartbreaking and my dad had been an ex NFL football player so he was a party boy she was the party girl they were you know cigarettes were everywhere booze ran free everything in my world changed radically and my dad remarried three times in an 18 month period I know that's quite the player you know he was not afraid to commit we've established that and but I just couldn't seem to manage to keep a deal and when we had these three kids we're all two years apart right and and we were we basically we had four live-in housekeepers and uh three mothers in in 18 months and so today when i came into alcoholics anonymous back then i would have swore to god that made me alcoholic i believe the new guy thinks something made them alcoholic i believed almost everybody that came in this room didn't go you know what i think i have that physical allergy and that mental obsession that's driven by that malady that's what it is we go you-know-what if you had the life i had you to drink too you know if you felt the way i felt you would have drank too well what made the feeling you got people who come from wonderful families and people who comes from guns and beating up the wife and all no it's this this uh and it's like eileen said i believe that i have the genetic disposition of alcoholism my sister doesn't have it i think my brother has it still still debatable i think my father had it it was interesting everybody drinks differently and you know when the book says that we can't call anyone an alcoholic you know why that is is because there nobody's going to get anywhere until you know your alcoholic oh i've seen plenty of people that have come into aa i've tried to sponsor they're definitely alcoholic but we're not moving off the mark until they know they're alcoholic they got to lay their own experience up against it so as i share my story with you lay your own experience up up against it. If it's not yours, we leave as friends. If it is, I'm here to help you. I'm here to wake you up, right? And this is the deal. The thing I misunderstood about alcoholism is that AA is for everything. I suffer from alcoholism. Everyone, every human being has a malady right we're human self-will God's will we all have a malady the only problem is my malady when it gets too uncomfortable drives me to drink and then the walls come down man then the next thing you know man we are circling the drain and I'm pulling a bunch of people in with me the book is real real clear that my alcoholism affects tons of people I am a tornado roaring through the lives of others it has and the hearsay they're the really tricky part that's drunk or sober see I thought if you took the booze off of me here comes the most likable and I'm a go-to gal I get stuff done what do you need done you need them yeah they're bugging you I'll go talk to him what do you need you need to return that to the store they won't take it back take me with you, take me with you. We get stuff done. You know what I mean? And people love that, especially people who can't stand up for themselves. They love my personality. So I'm going through this life with this delusion. Now, in the midst of this, Joe and I are, I got sober in the 80s. That's when codependency recovery was alive and well. Matter of fact, what was beautiful is they'd come to Houston to hear Bob Earl. So, I mean, Bob Earl, I think, is direct reflection of getting Joe and I together which was really very cool but so it was all about your inner child and here's the deal guys you come into Alcoholics Anonymous today and whatever you hear in the meeting you believe is a a and I'm not saying good bad right wrong I'm just saying let's be careful what we're saying in there because the new guy is forming his old ideas new ideas new concepts whatever right here right now and so I just assumed that if la a was for my drinking problem I don't have that anymore then I will do this codependency therapy recovery so I was in group therapy for 10 years well I'm actually quite a good pseudo counselor I could just throw down right now you guys in a circle and it'd be pretty impressive somebody start crying short order and I'd solve your problems but here's the deal about that now I'm not knocking counseling matter of fact I see counseling as a privilege I think anybody getting married or getting together in alcoholics knowledge should go to counseling trust me you need to learn to communicate and I'm a big fan of it I took it way far over and here's a tricky thing everybody in those rooms was in recovery they were either Al-Anon or AA and so it was like an in-depth fifth step but the only problem is we were fixing our own problems see the book says I am that selfishness I can't wish it away or think it away no matter how hard I try well if you've had ten years of codependency recovery group therapy you darn sure can get rid of it you just manage it better and that's what I did I became quite a good manager of my defects and so what I i did is i had the rest of the world supporting me kicking your butt because nobody liked you anyway so let's get rid of you and everybody over here tells me how great i am to have no concern of others and on page 19 i love this line this flies right in the face of everything i learned about katie it says page uh oh this is the note page 19 it says most of us sense that the real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints are a respect for their opinions or attitudes which make us more useful to others our very life as an ex-problem drinker depends upon the constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs shut up really really uh yeah no and uh and so what it's basically saying is if you piss me off you are my guiding light to God how how is that what I prefer to do is just detach get you out of the way matter of fact you you remind me so much of my father I can't stand you see and that's what we have a tendency to do and what God saying is that person is the perfect person to bring you closer to me page 133 says the deliberate manufacturer of misery God didn't do it but when trouble comes cheerfully capitalize on it so he can show his omnipotence what so you so the next big problem you have somebody really pisses you off at work or you get fired I'm going to be happy about this cheerfully capitalized on it yeah if you'll do the work you'll be shocked at what comes out the other side see what happens I think to me at least when I I got sober is after I got sober, all I know is self-reliance. I don't know about you guys but I left home at 15. I started drinking at 12. My stuff was bad. My dad laid the law down and said if you can't live by these rules, you're out. I said I'm out. I'm not without a driver's license. That was stupid. Could have waited a few more months and gotten a driver'S license but no, I'll just pedal my bike to school. I'm out of the house at 15 years old. I never went back i graduated from high school didn't learn anything matter of fact i i don't know much um i really don't care where venezuela is ever uh i don t know how to spell well don't like museums don't don't any of that stuff never have and here's the interesting thing about this this piece of my story and and i think it's real important because a lot of people i spoke one time in a convention that had seven other speakers and six of them had all gone back to college and I really think the new guy or someone sitting in this room will think you know what that's what I need to do I need to go back to College well that decision is a management decision if you just decide you want to go to college if you don't do the work on it you may go back for all the wrong reasons and then what you do is you get out the other side and it didn't fix you either as a matter of fact a lot of people go back to school and you know what I see them do first thing they give up is Alcoholics Anonymous you know they had 10 sponsees next thing they know they got schools more important you know and they got no sponsee and their their stuffs in the ditch and here's the deal I'm not saying don't go back I'm just being darn sure you know what you're doing you know is that really the will of God that wants you to go back or not see I I learned real quick on do an inventory I learned that those those seven women that came through my life all they did was show me my old ideas in the third column right I have a ton of old ideas on men and women oh don't even get me started and that's what the third of a four-column inventory is how did affect my self-esteem how did it affect my pride and so when when this school thing came up I did the inventory on it and what I would have done is I would have gone to college to prove to you I wasn't stupid. Well, I'm not stupid. That's because I don't like museums, art, history, geography, spelling, reading, math. Did I leave anything out? What? Music. Oh no, I love music. But Bob Dylan should stay a writer, not a musician, but other than that that's my opinion uh but uh but here's the thing about it is guys is what i began to realize is oh my gosh i'm very very smart i'm very street smart i've got amazing qualities i ran a business for 30 years i was i was a fifth out of 5 000. i traveled the world speaking on marketing without an ounce of an education in marketing traveled the world for 18 years and it was unbelievable I mean it was an unbelievable life and so that's all I'm saying I mean I it does show up from time to time I will tell you that I have a sponsor even she and I are just like dumb and dumber oh my god when I see her and I see the faux pas she makes I go oh wow okay you need to you need to get a better edge on that you know what I mean I've learned to have an edge on it and guy comes into our meeting from Norway and she says uh is he from norwegia and i said silly he is norwanian there's about five people standing around they go like this i told you my daughter stole our grand babies and moved them to gig harbor washington thank god you people in washington are so wonderful yeah i'm telling you that the folks in wasington are unbelievable they're like texans so i love you you're you're very very kind that's not always true you can go to a lot of states and people in the grocery store line won't talk to you you start talking they look at you like and if you touch them oh but in washington you're just so friendly i'm not kidding i was very excited told april i said okay I'll be okay with this but she steals our kids moves to Gig Harbor Washington right but we're sitting there and we're overlooking the Puget Sound right and I'm thinking oh my god this is spectacular and and I said honey you know I'm kinda tired I go who is it is it the altitude and she looks at me and she goes mother this is level and I looked at her and I said there is Mount Rainier right there you're not fooling me she says you have to be on Mount Rainir and I swear to God at that moment I went oh okay I swear this was me in the sixth grade right now I don't care I mean oh and I move you know I marry into a family of educators you educators think that you can transform me you can and so Charlie's whole family you know they're their highlight of their day is to go see an art museum or something, Monet, Mozart, whoever, you know what I mean? And Charlie, I'll ask him, I'll say, honey, how do you spell? And he'll say let's sound it out. Yep. So back to getting sober. But I'll tell you guys, I just, you know I I just have to tell you don't make a move without writing inventory I don't even want my sponsor I want my sponsors input but I don't want her managing my life you know oh yeah oh trust me that's a bigger problem the whole room should be clapping trust me if yeah I mean I've had sponsees with guys dating them and I'm thinking he is a loser and then about eight years later he has a remarkable psychic change and they're a powerhouse couple in Alcoholics Anonymous thank God she wouldn't listen to me you know what I mean so see it when the books talking about in the sex inventory it's talking about a conduct inventory I am NOT to be the arbitrary of anybody speaking life of anybody's social life of anybody working life that's the deal is all my job is is to give you kind of the pros and cons and you take it into your prayer meditation you my job is to be the vessel to get you connected to the power I'm not the power and don't ever think I am the power oh Eileen those claps are gonna make me take your ten minutes you know I'm just warning you I just won't look at her while I'm doing it she you know because I'm telling you she and I are a lot alike you know little intimidating um and so here's the other part of what I thought this is my delusion I thought AA was for drinking I thought that my life's problems were for codependency recovery and I thought that church was for spirituality now I was never a big church person I as I told you I was raised Catholic they were speaking to Irish Latin whatever they were speaking in church and I mean it was some foreign language and the guys all you basically saw was a big old cone and his back you know and my job was to flick a booger on my sister that's it you know and I'm mean today when you're a kid you got some gigantic boogers you know what I mean you can send one of those across the arena and and so that was my whole task in life was you know I didn't pay attention I've matter fact I just really didn't dig the whole church thing. And then, of course, after my mother dies and my father remarries three times, we are excommunicated. How wonderful is that? And so I remember somebody marched up to me, you know, somebody in a receiving line. Don't ever march up to somebody in receiving line, and please don't ever correct anybody in a receiving line. It's just write inventory. Go talk to your sponsor. You know what I mean? That is not a time or place for you to share your opinion so uh so it really is it's just terribly tacky uh and then i have to cheerfully capitalize on you so god can show his omnipotence to me but uh some guy marches up to me and he says he goes they were not speaking latin and i thought really that's all you got out of my story and and i said dude it was 1966 they damn sure what do you think i'm a liar And I swear, at that point, I just wanted to throw down with the guy. You know? And I thought, ah! But here's the deal. I just didn't really care about church. I really didn't care about God. I didn't have a good, bad, right, wrong. I just Didn't care. You know, and so all of a sudden, I'm three years sober. I am all about Alcoholics Anonymous. I am, I mean, talk about the service structure. I'm all up in it. I am doing committees. I am Doing this. I am loving what I'm getting. But what happens, and I think this happens between 18 months and three years, is that the new guy does not see that the program is about selfishness and self-centeredness. You see, we come into Alcoholics Anonymous and we learn character. We learn about being nice and showing up and my word means my word, and that's all wonderful. But what 60 to 63 is trying to teach me is behind a kind motive, I can destroy you. You see, that's the part where I didn't get it. See, I don't even know I have a motive until you piss me off. And if you don't do what I think you should do, now I'm mad. Well, I must have had a motive. Well, what is that motive? Well, on the list, I mean, I really wanted to help you, but it's third on the list. The top two are self-centered, trust me. The top three are self centered. The top four are me getting what I want. And I didn' t get that. So at three years, I felt like I needed a little bit more. And Joe says, hey, let's go to church. And I thought, no, I don't think I need that. And he said, no-no-no, let us go to Church. I found a really cool non-denominational church. And we go into this church and they have these big old screens and everybody is singing and the worship and it is young people and it's so much fun. Oh my God, it's just fabulous. And I mean to tell you, I just thought, I love this. This is what I've been looking for. And the next thing you know, man, I became a Jesus freak. Oh, yeah. You know the Jesus freaking Alcoholics Anonymous. Me and Jesus were tight. And I believe that the alcoholic is a chameleon. Mark used to say we're like soybeans. We take the flavor of anything. And we're chameleans. You need me to be green today? Fine. You want me to brown tomorrow? Fine. I mean, you know what? I'm at the PTA. I blend. I'm at the motorcycle rally what do you need and when I got into that church oh my god nobody was trying to brainwash me I brainwashed me the church said love the hate the sin loved the sinner I hated both and the next thing you know man I am getting really distorted and I'm not going to I'm not going AA but I'm very much about staying sober and keeping my AA friends but the meetings yeah elementary and so for three years joe and i got heavily involved in the church and uh and here's the deal you know the guy who tries to come back and save the heathen alcoholics oh yeah let's take a minute to look at them and hope they're getting it you know it's funny when i mentioned jesus uh you know and i don't do it in an aa meeting it's not appropriate in a meeting up here it's okay because i'm telling you my story. Oh yeah, it's definitely not appropriate. Stop it, stop it, stop it. And you also don't get to talk about Buddha. You don't get to talking about Judaism. You don't talk about Hinduism. You don't to talk about religion. Zip it! Yeah, so don't get all your butt in a pucker because of Jesus. They all fall under that. You know what I mean? But for some reason, Jesus makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up for a lot of people. And y'all ought to mention Jesus in the Bible belt of Texas. Oh, they all think that I'm going to get killed with a lightning bolt any minute. But here's what ended up happening is I came back to try to save you. That's a problem. And the only person that remained my friend was Charlie Parker. Oh, we'd have big arguments. He goes, I guess I'm not living up to your Christian values. no you're not you are a pig you are dating every crazy woman in Alcoholics Anonymous you know the crazy ones we women can pick a crazy girl that fast you can see it in her eye and I'm not talking driven I'm talking crazy and to you men it's like an aphrodisiac so don't be thinking you're fooling me and um but so so you know joe and i get very involved in the church for the next three years we're in the Church and I'm not kidding you guys I mean we looked Amish I even started wearing underwear okay that's a big deal and you know on page 14 it says for if an alcoholic fails to enlarge his spiritual life work and self-sacrifice he cannot handle certain trials in low spots ahead that's what it's talking about see I thought that I thought that I needed to go elsewhere to find my spirituality I'm not saying you don't don't don't hear it as its you take whatever you're going to do outside and you do it along with Alcoholics Anonymous not instead of an AA better stay up here let me tell you something there's a reason those 12 steps are to keep me unblocked. See, I get blocked and if I get blocked, I live in those bedevilments on page 52 and they are troublesome. Listen to these bedevilements, guys. They are so problematic. We were having trouble with our personal relationships. Ask yourself, you know, take the test. Lay your experience up against it. We were Having Trouble With Our Personal Relationships. We Couldn't Control Our emotional nature. We were prey to misery and depression. Depression, that's just panage for self-pity. We couldn't make a living. We had a feeling of uselessness. We were full of fear. New word is anxiety. We weren't happy. We couldn't seem to be of real help to others. Well let me tell you something, those bedevilments are what keep me in the work. The alcohol doesn't keep me in the work some of you it may but I'm not afraid of the alcohol I'm afraid of living in the bedevilments and then let me tell you something by the time I pick up the drink the alcohol is the solution see and that's where that's why I got all mixed up we don't and here's the other deal well y'all are just a clapping group of people almost feels like a pulpit up here you but but here's the deal is is I what happened is now I'm six years sober Joe's 12 years sober he says my god I'm not doing well I said I'm not doing it like oh so what are we gonna do this let's go back to meetings we marched down to that noon meeting and there we walked in and let me tell you something you guys you're my people you will always be my people you are my tribe see you're the group of people that gets me the rest of the world here's a here's little tip to go out of here with next time you're at work or you're in the grocery store and you're talking to somebody look for this expression just saying you get me you i mean you can ask an alcoholic if they're married and get a 10 minute answer it is a yes or no question not for us and that's where this look cousin so we come back to a I lean over to Joe I put my arm around him and I go oh my god honey we are home and he goes I know this is fabulous and I had that moment there where I knew I was home and I'd love to say at that point I'll skip down the yellow brick road and life was great and butterflies did fly out of my butt but no that's not what happened I hope people hear that CD Matthew of you before they hear me so they don't understand where that seems but here's what happened I entered into what I call meeting based sobriety and that I love meetings I absolutely love meetings I've got my favorite meetings that I go to and I got my little ritual just like you have your little ritual I love Charlie and I get the privilege of doing this I love the fellowship of Alcoholics synonymous, let me tell you something. It will do nothing to keep you sober. It will not do it. The book tells me that in a hundred places. If you can manage to stay sober on meetings, more power to you. For if an alcoholic fails to enlarge his spiritual life through work, the 12 steps and self-sacrifice for others, helping the drunk, you will not stay sober. I'm telling you guys, how many of us have lost at least 10 people in AA. Raise your hand. Absolutely, it's everywhere. Now we, and we're not the lucky ones. I really believe there's a level of grace, and when the grace runs out, the grace runs out. And that is my experience. And so Joe and I are sitting there, and oh my God, we're in meeting-based sobriety. And I love the meetings. The meetings are one side of the triangle. Service is the other and recovery is the foundation the 12 steps are all we know that helps us stay sober it says work with another alcoholic it works when everything else fails yes it does but trust me if you're not in there getting unblocked you will get pissed off at your home group and drink at them yes oh I'm telling you how many all go to a meeting and you go there's big head Doug oh Jesus not him again so-and-so is getting ready to share where my ass out my god gonna talk about that stupid divorce one more time and what I learned as you get you I had to go to meetings to get relief right but I wasn't getting the freedom and if I had a problem somebody would sling a slogan at me and they would say let it go what what do you mean let it go did you not just hear my problem and see what you're doing is you're giving me the promise asking me to work the promises hoping the steps come true you must have me work the steps so I get the promise of letting it go I can't let it it go? I don't even know what I'm letting go. I have to put pen to paper. The 10th step is the most underutilized step in alcoholism. Heck, it's even muddied in the fact that people think it's the evening review because 12 and 12 muddies the waters on that one. But you know, with no ill intention, it just did. The tenth step is a spot check inventory we take through the day. We are watching for resentment, dishonesty, selfishness, and fear. And when these crop up, we're going to do four things. And if it continues to bother me, I put pen to paper. We continue to take personal inventory. Where does it say that in the book? In the fourth step. So what does that look like? There's the directions. So you see, four through nine is just to get the debris out of the way and then we live in the disciplines. I've been in the fitness business for 30 years. I can get you to lose 30 pounds. Oh, trust me, I can. And all of a sudden after you lose 30 pounds, you start eating donuts and drinking sodas every day. In short order, you're putting that 30 pounds back on because you didn't live in the disciplines of keeping it off. It's the same with us. And so Joe and I are just tooling along. There's no 10 steps. There's an evening review, whatever that is. Prayer and meditation is like what Charlie said, reading the 24-hour book and off my list. I've done probably 15 amends because I'm sure I haven't hurt that many people. I am most likable. So we're tooling along and then all of a sudden, oh, my God. about ten years of this highs lows ups downs right thought react life my husband gets very very sick very sick and we're both self-employed in the dot the psychiatrist says he's going to have to end up going to get his head scanned there's something organic in there and here remember I'm uneducated and so organic meant pot and the guy what do you mean organic he said something's growing in his head he needs to have his head scanned well I can't afford a head scan we have catastrophic insurance little girl at my meeting says Katie you need to go enough go drive a school bus if you drive the school bus instant HMO got that just FYI and just tip just saying just saying and so uh so I go down I apply for a schoolbus job and I get it right away it's in a fairly affluent neighborhood too you know what I mean I mean they say I'm not over in ghetto it's a fairly affluent neighborhood and and I get this I get an instant HMO and I'm telling you what I take Joe in it takes him forever to get an appointment not and I call the general practitioner doctor he says take him to the emergency room we get in the emergency room and I tell this doc he needs his head scanned because that's what I do and he's not about to scan my husband's head till he runs him through a gamut of tests and he finally decides he's going to scan his head and when he scans it I'll never forget this moment now I am on I have taken the school bus job because it fits in with my fitness career right I can get up at 530 in the morning drive a school bus I'm not going to be driving that school bus for long I'm just getting his head scan cuz I'm really hurting anybody are you with me on that I mean too bad it's a big school system they can hire somebody else but I just need his head scanned then I'm out of this job and so he gets his head scanned the doc comes back in the room he sets his hand right here on my shoulder and I mean it's an intense moment he goes my god he has got a gigantic tumor in his brain it's bad and I remembered my very first thought was I'm gonna be driving this damn school bus for the rest of my life see that's how self-centered I am now I didn't tell anybody okay yeah right I didn' t tell him i didn't go oh that's just great joe i'll be on that stupid bus forever you know but that was my first thought because you guys i am an extreme example and i'm here to welcome you to alcoholics anonymous it's yours too don't think it's not okay it is but most of us don't ever tell anyone and so that was My very first thought and I'm here to tell you guys I drove that school bus for three more years I was expecting to drive it for two weeks max self will run right I'm in over my head oh my god let me tell you those bus stories are unbelievable there's one picture me on a bus first of all I added a little flavor to the bus apparel first of off and but I'm on that bus and and I'm trying to make the best of it I drive a gas bus because they go fast because I got to get from point A to point B fast and so there's these two humps right that you got and these humps I mean if you got enough if you've got the power of the bus the gas bus the kids would go come on miss Kate I'm like oh no man guys I'm gonna get in trouble there come on come on so okay fine fine fine there's like five little boys it was all boys get in the back of the Bus you know they're all in the Back of the Buzzard you know and so and I gas it and I these two hums but it came to a stop and you have to take a quick right you know and so all of a sudden i you got to hit the brakes so right all the time you know i gas it i look up because your life is the mirror right and i look up and these kids are like wow i mean i could get them five seats over you know what i'm saying it was all boys so it really didn't matter and uh yeah if you've raised boys you know what i'm talking about you wouldn't have done that for a little girl because she'd have gotten hurt you'd have gotten trouble and so so they come flying over and all of sudden i hit the brakes and I hear the hell was that and I'm these kids like this we all get off the bus I have blown all four valve stems off the back end yeah yeah and I remember I mean those kids were like rats on a signature just and I thought oh my god so I got gotta get on the horn you know and I Yeah, turtle bus to base. Turtle bus to base and base comes on and our boss also has a radio on his hip, you know, and Billy gets on and he goes, yeah, yeah turtle bus what's up? I said, man, I don't know what happened. I shot all four valve stems off the back end of my bus, man they're all gone. And you hear my boss go, what? And so I'm not going anywhere. I'm dead in the water. Right there I am dead inthe water. So they pull up and this is what they did. you don't know what happened I said no sir I don't because you see you hurt threaten or interfere with me I will lie right to your face I am 15 years sober and I can't lose that job there's no rigorous honesty not in my program cuz I didn't have one and nobody said nothing I kept the job oh I could give 110 bus stories but okay one more so um oh my god there was a guy in a bmw any of you guys uh uh know if you're on a bus route it kind of bugs you because the bus stops and it just pisses you off and you want to beat the bus you know kind of deal we'll stop it and uh so this bm w would always come through the neighborhood he tried to beat me before i got to the stop so that meant he was driving over the speed limit they're small children and so he just he bugged me and he had He had a lot of money and I didn't, so I didn t like him. And so all of a sudden I d see him coming out of his driveway and he tried to beat me and I would just kick that reds right open. Just kick the door open and the red goes pow! And I mean he was just you know he always looked at me like what is your problem? would do this who's got the power now buddy no bus stop no nothing just me and you can kiss my butt how do you like that oh god it was terrible well so here's the deal guys I what ends up happening is my husband gets has brain surgery and Matthew God love you Joe was sick for six years with brain damage in the part when you see the person you love when they have brain damage it's you have got to keep a level of humor in that household period you know if you've never done it don't judge me but I'm telling you what that that pencil the Andy thing is I live with that every day and my husband had massive brain damage but he didn't have physical that I was very fortunate did not have physical he just had mental and here's what happened guys this is the saddest part of the story it was not cancer it was benign but it was brain damage he's never gonna to work another day in his life. I had three blow-in-the-bag anxiety attacks. You know why? I was in untreated alcoholism, and you couldn't have told me that, period. What I had was a sick husband. This has got nothing to do with my alcoholism. Don't try to tell me it does. And I mean, I blew in that bag. And this is what worries me more than anything, is you could do something as simple as going for a root canal and they say you need like it in and you go I sure do and you have no idea you're an untreated alcoholism and that Vicodin treats the malady which triggers the allergy and the next thing you know you're off to the races and you're getting more dental work you see what I'm saying how many you know people we've lost on pills hundreds because they're sitting in untreated alcoholism and don't know it. Well, the next thing you know, Joe and I are tooling along. He's going to live, but he absolutely has no safety net, nor do I. And he ends up dying of a heroin overdose. He goes back out at 23 years sober and dies of a heroine overdose. So when I talk about people sitting in the rooms with untreated alkalism, it hits close to home. It was me and him. I was planning on how I could exit. I know those bedevilments. See, I didn't know the book. I didn' t even know where my book was. I had no idea the solution was always right there. No idea. Mark Houston absolutely saved Charlie and I's lives. And I'm telling you, you guys, it is something that I would never ever have known. I would never ever have gotten that uh untreated alcoholism was joe and i's problem we were going to five meetings a week we were all about staying sober but we were not treating our alcoholism with the 12 steps i mean we get blocked so easily i understand today you know what the 10th step is about the 10 step is about watching it doesn't mean the whole world has to blow up before i do something I'm just watching for these things you know why because the ego of the alcoholic rebuilds at an astonishing rate astonishing was written by a doctor that was not one of us not so forth one of the other ones in the back tit wall tit well whatever starts with a tee that's how I live my life and but I'm telling you guys that I didn't even get it so I get myself I find this sponsor and she's in untreated alcoholism and you know what here's the beauty God takes up so much slack when two people's hearts are in the right place God takes up so slack and I'm telling her she knows all about Joe and it's been 18 months and I've lost him and I can't believe it blah blah blah I'm dark dark dark and she said oh honey there's a fine line between sorrow and self-pity and you slipped into it you are in self pity and I was quite insulted but I was willing to listen and I telling you guys something there is so much help out there there's there's a couple of things I'm ending with and it's it's I am about talking to middle management I'm about talking to the guy that's got three five ten fifteen twenty twenty-five years I can't believe I can't even begin to tell you how many people that have asked me to take them through the work with 25 years sober they are dying and they are deathly afraid to say it because they shouldn't feel this way oh my gosh it's okay don't dump yeah absolutely it's you know and I'll tell you guys I mean I did it I lived it I know it so I'm talking to middle management if any of my experience helps anyone remember a moment of clarity is absolutely of no value if it is not followed by the action of you doing the work so if If you're not in the book, get in the book. And if you are, I'll happily see you on the firing line. Thank you very much. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. Sobercast is ad free and we'd like your help in order to keep it that way. So if you'd like to help us be self-supporting by pledging a dollar or two a month visit SoberCast.com and look for the donate links. Thank you very Much. Thank you.