Step 10 and the Game of Who Stays Least Disturbed — Sandy B.

Whenever we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with us. It's a very powerful sentence. It was of great help to me. Something wrong with me? The thing that is wrong with uns is our perception of the cause of the disturbance. That's what's wrong with up and nothing more. So if I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, I'm seeing it wrong. Isn't that astounding? Now, the beauty of that is all I have to do to get undisturbed is to see it correctly. To see it as God would have seen it. To see It as my spiritual advisor can help me to see It. This means we are no longer the victims of the events of the world. which we thought were the reason we were disturbed. And in order to stay undisturbed, you'd have to control the world and get everybody to behave and stop doing that crap. And so this is a very powerful sentence. If something disturbs us, there's something wrong with us. We ask for help both from God and from others to help us see the situation from a non-self-centered perspective. And when the true nature of the situation is, quote, revealed, and then another quote, we feel as though the problem has been removed. And that's right out of our big book. If you're new, you find in spirituality the problems are not solved. They're removed. They simply evaporate and turn into non-problems. So you don't see us talking about how to solve a problem. It's how to have it removed or how to have it dissolved. It's totally a separate approach than the traditional one of analyzing it and this is the course of action and blah, blah, bla. We're using God here so we can it's a much simpler process. We are quote in a position of neutrality. 10th step. the problem has slipped away. That's another quote. It, quote, leaves us. It no longer exists for us. These are the words that Bill uses to describe this process. It no long ago. It no more exists for use. When you're in a position of neutrality, you just let it be. Just let it being. It is not something that has to be changed. We have, quote, entered the world of the Spirit. That's what a new perception takes us to. The tenth step, that's the big line as we come off of the promises in the ninth step. We have entered the World of the spirit and then we start into some of the promises. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Our whole attitude and overlook upon life will change, just think we don't change it it is changed and we see that in new people that were sponsoring it they used to have an attitude now it's disappearing where did the attitude go? They didn't go, oh I'm going to change my attitude, they just kept following the instructions of their sponsor, and this gift of a new attitude arrives. This is a totally different thing than doing it yourself. We're dealing, I mean, I like to think of spirituality as something like magic. The promises are, it sounds like a magician talking. Oh, you've got a problem with self-seeking? Don't worry, it'll slip away. Or it'll disappear. I mean, these are all, and the reason those verbs are used, that's the way it appears when things happen spiritually. It just happens. And then we get the result. We get the gift of that happening. Well, there it is. The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I mean, what a strange verb to use. Can you imagine your psychologist telling you that? You got a problem with self-pit? Don't worry, it'll disappear. In one visit. Our fears fall from us. We are walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. our perception has been changed and we have been given a new pair of glasses. You see, this all keeps us focused on spiritual solutions instead of the traditional, well, I'm going to have to go do this and I'm gonna do that and it's like I'm doing this and I am going to surrender and allow God to do it. That is the hardest thing for alcoholic, self-centered people to do, is to let go. The first step in any problem, if you're new, is letting go. As soon as you start to wrestle with it and you can feel the disturbance starting, let it go like it's a hot coal. Oh, jeez, I don't want to mess with that. That'll clear it up halfway, right away. Because we're no longer engaged with it. Anyway, I wanted to get that in. And I also... Well, I think... Did I mention all our... Clinton... Vince and Scott, didn't I, at the beginning? Oh, well, that's one of the real reasons I'm out here is that I was told that Clint had a lot to do with this and I would do anything for him. Oh, I wouldn't do anything for any of those guys. Now you had them all here in Los Angeles So you got to see Vince and Scott Redman and Clint. The rest of the country got to seeing them once in a while. Not like you guys had a steady diet of it. And the rest ofthe country misses them. I just want you to know that. And there are people from New England to Florida and Alaska that are still listening to the wisdom that they have contributed to our spiritual journey. And they were good friends in the long-distance sense that we would see each other, but we had great mutual respect. And those are the type of guys that I used to like to ask questions of. I would just wait until I could see them and then go, let me run something by you. That's my favorite sentence. Let me run Something By You. And they know that I want to hear their spiritual perspective on something and it generally is very rewarding. Matter of fact, that's a wonderful way to go through life is to have three or four friends including your sponsor and I had three or four and I had them back when I was working and when I called someone up and said can I run something by you they could be at work because I only wanted 45 seconds and they'd go shoot and then I'd go okay this is what happened the boss came in I wrote this memo and then he did that and then that and they would go you owe him an amend what Or, boy, your boss is all screwed up. Forgive him. And I'd go, okay. I got an answer that I wouldn't have come up with on my own that quick. They hear, okay, your bus really, that's way out of line. Forgive them. What's it designed for? So that I get undisturbed. so that I get undisturbed. If you look at the wisdom in our tenth step, you'll find there's a new game in life and it's called whoever stays the least disturbed wins. That's the new game. So we put a top priority on nothing except being undisturbed. And if we get disturbed, how fast we can get unddisturbed from that. If you go through a day undisturbed, your productivity, your creativity, and your intuitions will give you one of the most wonderful days you've ever had. Because it's disturbance that blocks the creativity and the intuitive level thinking that can guide us during the day. So the top priority, as Bill writes, self-restraint. You all know there's four things in the 12 and 12. self-restraint, an honest analysis of what's wrong. You get the honest analysis by running it by someone else. A willingness to forgive if the blame lies elsewhere and a willingness to make amends if it's us. In a very short order, we're back to being undisturbed and the whole situation is over. We made the amendment or we forgave. the reason this is resisted too simple our minds tell us it can't be that simple I mean for the rest of my life I can just resolve things like that okay I don't know man okay I forgive and the answer is yes and in an undisturbed state we are close to doing God's will we're close to being able to hear the guidance, and so that's why that's such a big priority. So anyway, it seems that seekers have engaged in reflection, pondering, contemplation since the beginning of time. And I think we do a little bit of it, but I don't think it becomes a habit Because we're too busy. Our schedules are too busy to be taking time for something like this. But I would suggest to you that just the pertinent passages, where are they? Out of the big book or the 12 and 12, offer great thoughts. for example the second one big book page 25 we found much of heaven and we've been rocketed into fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed well now everybody's read that sentence what is the fourth dimension of existence what is rocketing into the fourth dimension of exist is that suddenly realizing that God is doing for us what we couldn't do for ourselves Have you had an experience like that? What is Bill talking about? We've been rocketed in to the fourth dimension of existence. One explanation could be we got a glimpse of our home from which we have strayed and are trying to make the journey back. The most comforting way I explain to myself what in the hell I'm doing here, Do you ever wonder why we're here? What's the meaning of life and all those kind of things? And so I'll tell you the crazy thoughts. See, this all comes from reflecting on these various things. Your mind will start offering you some thoughts about it. Then you can share those thoughts with someone else who might like to reflect the same way you do. And out of those, you might get a glimpse of something that's really true. So anyway, the way I've made sense out of my own life is by a very simple story that every single person in this room knows and it's the story of the prodigal son. I am most comfortable understanding that at one time I was in the arms of my creator. And for whatever reason, I'm down here on a journey. And because everybody else in society told me so and my father gave me clear instructions when I was a young man. Totally contrary to everything in our program. Totally contrary to spirituality. He said, Son, it's your life. No one else can live it for you. If you want to make something out of yourself, you have to do it yourself. Self-sufficiency. Here's the deal. You go to school and you study hard. If you study harder, you'll get high grades. if you get high grades you'll get into a high school or a prep school if you got high grades you'll go to college if you work hard it's a good job you'll have a lot of money and then what the inference was and then you'll be happy that was the only false part of that plan and so it's almost impossible to not go down the road of self-sufficiency in this country anyway. And it certainly has encouraged every step of the way. Now, I wonder what would have happened had he said what the program suggests when it says turn your will and your life over to the care of God. That doesn't sound like it's your life, does it? What if he said as a young man, son, it's not your life. It's God's. Let him make something out of you. Wow, what would that have produced? Well, nobody would have listened. Because all the rest of the guys are following the other plan. So my feeling is I had no choice but to start down the journey away from my God. Just as the prodigal son told his father, I'm sick and tired of this. I want to go out, I'll take care of myself. And out he went. Made a mess. We made a mess we weren't going to go back we were never going to ask for help until it got so desperate that we finally said help! Now we're coming back. Now we are coming back what Dr. Datcher was writing about what build, the feeling of loneliness, separation, all those things is this journey so far away from God that we are in great pain. It's just so lonely out here. We yell help, we get a guide from AA and we suddenly are aware that we're returning to this completion. As Dr. Young said, the union with our creator. That our thirst for alcohol was really a thirst for this reunion with our Creator. So I just feel like I'm just a typical prodigal son. I got pushed out the door in the wrong direction. I grabbed the reins, made a mess out of everything, finally was driven to my knees where I said help for the first time and now we're on this great journey back the question is how close will I get how close will you get and St. Francis offers us the great answer that is by dying that one awakens to life eternal He doesn't mean our heart stops. He means that our identity stops, our ego identity. Someone once described that ego identity as a resume. Did you ever think of a resume as an ego identity? Describe yourself, very talented administrator, graduated from UCLA honors in this member of the book club you list every damn thing that you think will entitle you to more money I mean it's strictly a list of things that enhance your reputation for consideration for very skilled in this very skilled in that, references, whatever you can put in there. So the resume that the prodigal son would write is an entitlement resume. I would call that an entitgment resume. When you see this, I'm entitled to make 120 grand a year. Anybody can see that right off the resume. Now he comes in and has an awakening. and we go back and look at the resume and nothing on it has really changed except his perception of it. As he talks to the employer he is saying here is a list of all of the God-given talents that were given to me that can make me useful to you. This is what I think I can contribute to your company. This is why I'm delighted to come here and see how I can be useful here. Same information, but entirely different perspective. It doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. It has to do mit how can I be useful using the God-given talents that were given to me. I didn't make them. They were given t me. So you see there's a great deal humility that came out of this transformation. And so I'm I just tell myself that that's what life is all about. You've got to tell yourself something because no one knows. And I was talking on the way up here that spirituality really is best explained with stories. We should have stories, fables, myths, whatever it is. And the back of the big book is filled with stories. When we have a speaker meeting, we're telling our story. And everyone's story is an epic prodigal son journey. You just listen to every speaker. Well, I was born in Kansas and my father tried to make me grow up. And then I got in high school. Then I decided to go to hell with all of them and I'm going out and then, you know, and then three nut boards later. As they were letting me out of the straitjacket, I said, yeah, okay, I will talk to those guys from AA. And that was our turnaround point. That was our willingness to surrender our kingdom to give up territory that was ours, that we're in charge of. And in the beginning, we turned it over to this guide, whoever the hell he is, won't let us alone. Then we actually had our home group in on it and we're getting advice from them, don't take that job, take this job. God, I don't want everybody involved in my life. well what kind of results were you getting when you were the only one involved in your life spirituality is very practical it compares results it doesn't you know and I boy I'm really going all over the place but I'm having fun now okay the I had about six months maybe some of you have heard this and my sponsor called me over and I wasn't trying anything I was not interested in this stuff I just needed to get things off my back and then I was going to leave and I was resisting the spirituality so he said I'd like to have let's do a spiritual inventory on you as of you now right now what is your spiritual condition he said okay how much do you pray and I went I don't I know it's you want to be honest I don' t pray I think it's ridiculous I know they pray at meetings and I hear that our father and I go na na na I just Bill I'm not into that It doesn't make sense. Okay, so prayer? Zero. Yes. Okay, how about going to church? Churches, it's a great spot. People find a lot of... I said, I don't like churches. I grew up in that church. They ripped me off. It's a terrible place. How do anything do with churches? I don'T even tour cathedrals in England. Who wants to see it? A lot of trouble came out of that. Not interested? No, I don't go to church. So church was zero. Well, how about spiritual reading? There's a lot of wonderful spiritual books at New Age. There's this and that. No,I don't. I like mafia books. I like detective stories, politics, all that. But I wouldn't go near the New Age thing. No, nothing. I don' t have a spiritual book in my house. Okay, zero again. All right, finally, how about meditation? This is a chance to really quiet the mind. I don't need it. I don' t have time for meditation. I'm broke. I got six kids. If I sit there, I could lose a chance to make a buck. I can't wait to shut my eye. I mean, no, none. So okay, four questions, four zeros. One more question. So how's it going? What does it feel like to be inside of you? Oh, it's awful in here. I can't stand this. It's terrible. It's rotten. I'm angry. I can'T sleep. My wife hates me. My kids hate me. Oh, itís a mess in there. So we know what 0, 0, 1, 0 produces those results. So now weíre going to conduct a new experiment which is called the 12 steps. And youíre just going to follow my instructions. but your job is to keep track of the results. That's your job. So we're really conducting a spiritual experiment and the only laboratory that a spiritual experiment can be conducted in is inside of you. And therefore we have to trust you as the scientists to keep accurate results. And isn't it funny that there's a resistance to this idea? and Bill writes about this in our literature he's talking about recoiling from prayer we recoil as a scientist who refuses to perform a certain experiment lest it prove his pet theory wrong part of me didn't want to try prayer because what if it worked what if it did make me feel wonderful I'd look like a jerk I've been bad mouth and prayer all my life I don't want to look like a jerk so I'm not going to pray I'll pretend that I'm praying and tell them nothing's happening that's how stupid we are that's that would you rather be happy or right and so here we conduct the new spiritual experiment and you are the laboratory. And you follow this, and then every three months, what's going on inside the lab lately? Well, I'm sleeping a little better. I'm getting along better with my kids. And things are looking up at work. Yeah, I've got most of the charges are taken care of. So what is that? Coincidence? and even the most cynical of us can't say that. Maybe we say, I don't know but we know that something new is happening that cannot be explained in human material terms and we reluctantly have to admit that maybe just maybe there might be something to this after all, even though we judge it as crap. That's the beginning and it really is. Well, that's quite a long talk on one little sentence. But these things do remind me of things. Page 56 on that hand. He stood in the presence of infinite power and love. What a great sentence. He stood in the absence of infinite power and law. He had stepped from the bridge to shore for the first time he lived in conscious companionship with his creator. Page 56. Boy, that's in the first third of the book. We're getting a sentence like that. So I can just stand there. What did it feel like to cross the bridge? What are we talking about the bridge, the bridge generally is the bridge of reason to faith. We were going to step away from reason into this unknown land that faith takes us to. and it's done by making a decision isn't that funny that spirituality is a decision made a decision to turn our will and our lives over so we make the decision I remember when I made the decision I decided that AA was going to be it just like I joined the Marine Corps you don't just join the Marine Corp and if you don't like it, you leave. I mean, they got you. It's a total commitment. And I remember the day I joined AA. I suddenly went, I'm in. I don't know if you remember that. It was like, I am attending, but now I am a member. There is a big difference. I just said, Iam in. I am going with these guys all the way. And everything changed. And I stepped ashore on that day when I went from attending to being a member. I'm going to do the deal. Count me in. Your hand goes up when they look for a volunteer. I couldn't believe my hand went up. I never volunteered. Do I need somebody to go down? Okay. Geez, I almost wanted to pull it down. What the hell am I doing volunteering? But it was up. page 57 but he has come to all who have honestly sought him isn't that what a marvelous sentence that is he has came to all who have honestly sought when we drew near to him he disclosed himself to us so you can see our part is really rather simple I want to move towards God that's all it takes whatever moving towards I start out the door I forgot to pray I go back and pray what a change that is I was late for work and I turned around and prayed now it's more important to pray than anything else I took a step closer a step close a step further and then as it says he disclosed himself to us that doesn't mean he stands up in front of us and says, hi, I'm here. Something happens inside and we're very glad that we went back and said that prayer. Maybe it doesn't happen the first time. Maybe it's the tenth time. Bill writes, the only scoffers at prayer are those that haven't tried it enough. Enough. So if praying for ten minutes a day is not getting great results, try twenty. In other words, we decide this is it. When you throw your lot in, this is where we're going to mine. We're goingto mine spirituality until we get the results. And these are all sentences I think that... I like page 63. We're reborn. We are new people And awakening is that I am a new person. You might as well give me a new name. And that's what it feels like. I'm not the guy that I came here. I can't believe I was that guy. I mean, I remember the story and I did all those things, but I don't feel like that guy anymore. I've been reborn. I've being transformed. I've awakened, whatever it is. Page 68, we're in the world to play the role he assigns. now go back and read that one eight or nine times why are you in the world to play the role that he assigned just look at that yeah but if I play that role I may not get promoted to president of the company well so what this will be better oh no I don't think it could be better and then we do that and we end up doing something. I don't know what it is. We end up and we're in a whole other area where all we do is help people and we are not present of anything. And we go, well, I guess you're sad you didn't make it to be president of the company. Oh no, I wouldn't give this up for anything. This is priceless. No salary. We don't even mention the salary. It's priceless I don' t know. I could go through a lot of these. I really want to get over on the other page. 12 and 12, I'll just hit this one because nobody likes to read it. 12 and12, page 74, it's on page 3. We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. We don't like that seventh step and nobody likesto read that seventhstep in the 12 and the 12th. It said, this step is very painful. Do you want to keep reading? escape via the bottle was always our solution character building through suffering might be alright for saints but it certainly didn't appeal to us and shortly after that well right on the same page and this is a monumental moment and Bill calls it a great turning point came in our lives when we sought for humility as something we wanted rather than something we must have that's when we decide that we're willing to sacrifice all our ideas in favor of God that's a real act of humility while I'm on humility in case I don't talk about this or forget to talk about it later we have a thing in AA and it's very common people will go well if you say you're humble you lost it or words to that effect. It's almost like you better be careful even saying the darn word. And I think we should make very close friends with humility. I think it should be part of our vocabulary all the time. It's an essential part of spirituality. So let's think of some of the things that we do that are acts of humility attending this weekend. When you say you're an alcoholic, I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic. What are you saying when you say that? I'm a person who needs a lot of help. I'm a person who can't make it by myself. Let's see, what else is humble? Go to a meeting. That's an act of humility. You're making a statement to yourself and to others that in order to get through life I need to go to these things. That's unactive humility. It's an art of saying I need help. Praying is an act of humility, sponsoring people is an act of humility. Reading the big book is an active humility. Reading the 12 of 12 is an actor of humility Humility is such a part of us that we have to own up to it. It's perfectly alright to say that doing humble acts greatly enhances your life and you're not losing your humility by saying that. So I would encourage everybody to make friends with humility. so you can see what I'm doing here is to just say what happens when you just spend time reflecting or contemplating lines out of the big book now the second page are just thought provokers such as the second one abandon all hope and find God now Now, for those that are great advocates of hope, this sounds like a put-down. Hope can lead us to something, but then we have to let go. You're going to step into the unknown. and you can't be in the unknown you can not be with God there is only one place that you can be with god and that is in the present moment does everybody know where I am it is a single sheet called contemplative AA don't you hate people with handouts so let's reflect on this just a couple more seconds if the only place that we can be with God is in the present moment and I am hoping to be in that present moment I'm hoping to be there in the future I've already moved myself to the future in the traditional sense of hope and there's nothing in the future for me there's only in the now so the best this is just my own thinking over these years the best use of hope I can have is to stay in the now and to stop using it to tell myself things are going to get better. When I tell myself things are gonna get better, I have overlooked the fact that they already are fine. I'm racing ahead. We spend our whole time racing ahead that author Eckhart Tolle really captures it when he said, people are always in a hurry and when we ask them where they're going, they're doing it. They're going to the next moment. and why are they going there because it's going to be better than this moment and everything is going to be better, boy when I get promoted when I got that bonus when I did this, when I do that then, then, THEN I'll be happy and we don't stop long enough to see that God's right here we can have total union with Him right now don't go anywhere so letting go that's why I have there abandon all hope and find God now is that the now contains everything then the next one if life is precious then death is beyond precious the greatest weapon that the ego uses against us is death it just loves to go and then you might die then you may die well St. Francis said It's by dying that we awaken to life eternal. And so our attitude about death has to be changed. It has to being seen as the most normal thing there is. What do we know for sure? There are 6.7 billion people on this planet that are all going to be dead. All 6.6 billion. Holy cow, who set up that system? well you talk about life being unfair 6.7 billion people are going to freaking die what the hell what kind of a place is this it's God's place we're here on the journey we're back when we come back in another one we're not back it's the most normal thing I used to think about breathing I think that the when you take a breath in that's the birth of a breath when you breathe it out that's it that breath is dead but what happens the second it dies another one gets born and this is the entire cyclical nature of this and so anything we can do to change our perception of death and take that away from the ego. It just warns us. The only thing the ego is worried about is the ego dying. I won't be running a world anymore. And that's the very thing we want to have happen is for that ego to die. This one, about halfway down. To get an answer to a pressing question, form it, then drop it into the stillness and wait. The answer will come or your question will disappear. This is the power of letting go. In other words, we're connected to God. And so I can say, you know, I really need an answer for this. And then I'll wait. And then as time goes on, I'll find out I really don't need the answer to that. it's not even bothering me anymore wasn't important at all or the answer will come where would the answer come from maybe it'll come from intuition maybe it will come at a speaker meeting when somebody goes and then I went into this and then i came up with that and they go yeah that's it or our sponsor or somebody sharing a discussion meeting it's not necessary that i think it up it's superior if i let it go and wait for it to be revealed in one form or another little further down is the fourth and we're going to wrap up in a second is the 4th dimension of existence in the silence if not where this is just we use the term fourth dimension of Existence what could that mean okay we'll put down the silence and then we could then we go why would it exist in the silence what is silence we talked about it's the space between the thoughts it's where all intuition comes from it's for all guidance comes from all of these spirituality comes from the silence and so the more we can get away from the racket of our own thinking, the more we can exist in that area. Then the bottom line of life is that everything is most wonderfully inexplicable. It can't be explained. God's a mystery. If I would change anything, this is just my own self, if I would changed anything in our literature, I would change God as I understand him to God as I experience him and stop trying to understand anything. There isn't anything to know. There isn't nothing to understand. There is only things to experience and as we experience them then we know more about them but it's not a knowledge thing. oh and then Bill W it was the fourth one down this is a quote that Bill wrote in a letter he was describing AA to somebody in his latter years of sobriety and he wrote to his friend as I think about it AA is an utter simplicity which encases a complete mystery what a remarkable way to describe our spiritual fellowship it is simple I mean how simple is it you know what I mean you get a spazzi you walk through the steps so boy isn't it simple an utter simplicity we've reduced everything down to the real essence of everything and in this This absolute simplicity is a complete mystery. A complete mystery, which is the universe and which is God and which we'll talk about in the last lecture, is what to do with a complete history. I just found that remarkable that this is what our co-founder thought about our entire fellowship with that simple little sentence. another simplicity which in cases is a complete mystery and we start getting comfortable with things being a mystery we accept that it's a mystery you might accept it's not a mystery where your compulsion to drink went it really is you can't scientifically document where it went but we're happy that it went there and that we don't have to understand it. Down near the bottom, an experience is no beginning and an ending. And then I'll give you one and then we'll wrap it up. These are just here so you could take and spend some time thinking about them. And this is the last one that's not on there. The answer to all questions that begin with why is the Big Bang. I'll let you contemplate that. And I think you may get it, and that is if someone asks you why, you can't give a limited answer. Why was I born? Well, because your mother and father got together. Yeah, but why were they born? Well, then because their brother. Well, dann why werethey born? Because they're on planet Earth. Well, why is there a planet Earth? because it's in the solar system. Why is there a solar system? The answer to all questions that begin with why, the complete answer is the Big Bang. That's the reason. So you can see how silly it is to ask questions that beginning with why. And that's the answer that we came up with. Gentlemen, we're at the end of the time. I'm going to go to bed. There's a movie available and thank you all very much for your attention. Thank you, by the way. You're there. Okay. Excuse me. I think just about everybody's here, so we can go ahead and get started. Why don't we just take a moment of silence followed by the serenity prayer? God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Well, I hope you've all had a good first day and a good night's sleep and a chance for the fellowship. I can tell just looking around here that whatever group you end up in having the conversation, it's going to be stimulating and interesting. And that's really one of the main reasons for having these things is you can have some lectures, but then you can have time to reflect with other people and learn that it's fun being part of something big and not trying to be something big ourselves, but to just be part of it, which is really what we are. We're just part of this. And I think we were talking, and sort of the theme of the whole weekend has been trying to understand conscious separation from, as Chuck Chamberlain put it, And one of the great steps forward is to go from being something to be part of something, and that that is our new identity. For me, the first time I was a coffee maker was a big deal. I've got lots of time, so I'll tell you some stories. my sponsor and I were both marine captains and I was senior to him but he was my sponsor so that didn't cut me anything and we had a little group outside of the Quantico Marine Base called the Dumfries Triangle Group and in this group it was a speaker meeting, two speakers and we probably had six members that were there fairly regularly and others who came kind of drunk, but they'd be there. And so when we went up to D.C. and places, because we were 40 minutes away, people would see us coming and they'd go because they didn't want to be tapped to drive down there to talk to four people. Something about egos in A.A. But anyway, he ran the whole show. We had a podium a big footlocker kind of a thing, and inside of it was the whole meeting. The coffee pot, the slogans to go on the wall, sugar, cream, you name it, the collection basket. And we'd get to the meeting early, he'd open it up and have the combination lock and all that kind of stuff. So after about, I had about six months, he says to me, I'm going to pick you up early tonight, we're going to have a business meeting. so we get to the place there's just two of us and we're having a business meeting and he's up at the podium and I'm there and so he announces that for the past year he's been the coffee maker general service rep treasurer the guy that gets a cake the guy that gets the speakers and all of that and in AA it's customary to rotate these guys are there any volunteers and boy there was no place to hide those like that and I went oh god I hate this you know something it wasn't long before I really got a kick out of the fact I had the key to the church, and there wasn't going to be a meeting unless I showed up. People were going to быть standing outside locked out. And it just brought a great – it really made me feel great that I had this in the combination to the podium and go in there, and pretty soon you got it down in the routine, you know, where the pamphlets go. And I can still remember that feeling. I'm really part of this thing now. So I'm sure you all have done that and remember what a thrill it was. And I'll also tell you, he had gotten speakers for the next three weeks, and then I had to go ask, and it really, I was very reluctant to do that because someone might say no, and that might collapse my program, the rejection from someone saying no. So I delayed and delayed and finally it's my week, and I almost asked several people at meetings, but I didn't. And now it's, we met on Sunday and it's Saturday and we were at a meeting near Fort Belvoir and there was this army major named Jack and I went up to him and I said, Jack, how would you like to talk tomorrow night down there? He said, okay. And I didnít have a second speaker. I was going to sit there and go, I donít know where the second speaker is. They havenít showed up. So anyway, I'm there and one of the members of our group was a jockey who at one time I guess had been fairly well known named Dave but he drank a lot. So he'd come to the meetings and kept his bottle outside and he'd go out and have a drink and come back in and he was there that night. So I went through the thing of reading the preamble and he passed the basket and all that and then I said now our first speaker is Jack. Well, I didn't know that Jack was drunk. And he gets up to the podium. My sponsor knew and he was laughing already. And he get's up to the podium and announces that he's Jack I'm an alcoholic and I'm resigning from Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thought he was just kidding so I waited a little longer And he explained as how when he came to AA, he didn't know how to drink properly. And now, because of all these wonderful AA members, he could drink a fifth a day and didn't get in trouble. And then he went on to talk about his drinking story. And I'm looking at my watch and I'm going, and I's just smiling. How do you get out of this thing? And I was rescued by the jockey who listened to that and listened. And finally he stood up and he said, that's a damn lie. He said, I drink a fifth every day and I get all screwed up. I got a bottle outside. You come out and we'll go out there. So they went outside and now there's dead silence in the room. And I wasn't moving and my sponsor got up and he made a few comments and he said, we'll be closing momentarily with the Lord's Prayer, but I suggest all of you come back next week to see what Sandy has in store for us. That was my first service position. But it was all to make the point of what it feels like to stop being something and become part of something. And in order to do that, we obviously have to abandon our old identity as something that is separate from everything else, which is causing all the problems that we have. That's exactly what Chuck's point is. Because of that separation, because our perception that we exist as a separate person, that's where all the problem comes from. If we're just part of God, what problem can you have? You follow what I'm saying? It's like a leaf on a tree complaining about the view. It's down at the bottom, and the other leaves are up at the top. And you follow what I'm saying? How come I got to be down on the bottom of the tree? He would be taking on the ego identity that we all have, and he would exist as a separate thing.