Sober for Keeps (5.5 Hours) – Part 2 of 3 – 2017 – Local AA Speakers

What? Now, driven by. When I'm sitting in that meeting, what was I driven by? Fear. Fear she doesn't like me. Self-seeking. I need her to like me to be okay. Right? Self-delusion. She's not thinking about me. The world does not revolve around me. Although I think it does. Probably wasn't even looking at you. There probably weren't. So I stepped on her toes. What do they do in my life? They quit calling. They don't retaliate. They just quit calling, right? But who set the ball rolling? I made decisions based on fear, self-delusion, self seeking, self pity. Does that make sense? It can be that simple. But see, that's how we manage and control things in our life. That's the self-will that we're going to later see that blocks us off from the sunlight of the Spirit. And that's the stuff we need to get around. But let me tell you, at step three, I didn't see this. I didn' t understand it. So it's not about understanding and figuring it out before we move on. It's about moving on so that we can look back and go, oh, shit. Oh, yeah. What I have to be convinced of is my life run on my self-will is not successful. It goes on to say, quit playing God. Why? It doesn't work. If it's working for you, keep doing it. If it's not, we think we have a better way. On page 63 it says, he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. If you are sponsored by me, you will hear that thousands and thousands of times because that is your job description forever and ever and ever. What is your job? Keep close to him. Perform his work well. What does that look like today? I don't know, right? But keep close to hem. Perform his word well. The simplicity of this program blows me away. It's that simple. We like to get in here and muck it up, but it's so beautifully simple. we have this beautiful prayer that we get to say once we're ready once we'RE ready to take the step move on listen I'm not saying this third step decision isn't a vital one the book says it is it's vital it's life-saving it's serious it's a commitment it's A commitment to say you know what? Am I ready to do this? Am I ready? Because I better make sure I am. Have, am I convinced of my truth in step one? And I am, am, I, am believing that there's a higher power that's going to restore me to sanity because I don't know about you guys. I'm thinking that drink is good at this point, right? I'm still thinking just because I come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and sit in a chair and write my name on a chair doesn't keep me sober. I tried that. Don't do it. I wrote my name on the chair in Alcoholics Anonymous. Seriously, they still have it. I ran into a guy. He's like, we kept it in a closet. It didn't work, right? It's kind of like meaning makers make it. No, they don't. No,they don't We come in here and I don't know about y'all. Have y' all heard that whole for those who've been around for long, you hear that one, two, three out, one, two, free shuffle, one to three shuffle. And this is why, because we make this decision and then we don't follow it up. And that's the commitment. We've got to make the commitment of the step three, get down on our hands and knees and say this beautiful prayer and then follow it up with action afterwards. The reason most people don't make that commitment to follow it up with action afterwards is probably because they're not convinced in step one. So if they're not convinced of step one, please don't make them do their third step. It's not worth it to them. It says the wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we express the idea of voicing it without reservation. So there's some stipulations here, right? It was we got to make it honest and humble. And if we do, in effect, sometimes, not every time, don't expect a great whoo-hoo when you get up off your knees. Don't expect it. Sometimes, in fact, a very great one was felt at once. You know, you hear all these, I had a burning bush experience in my step three. And then you hear some people say, I didn't. I did. I did, and my burning bush, I did not see fire. I did Not See Flames. I had a sense of, oh, my God, I know nothing. I know Nothing About God. I Know Nothing About These Steps. I Know nothing about AA. I've Been Around Here for 13 Years. What Has Happened to Me? I think this might work. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe. Not sure. Not sure, right? Still doubting. Doubting because I've lived with alcohol for 22 years. I've drank for 22 years. That's all I know. How can you dare take that away from me? And you're telling me that I'm going to say a stupid little prayer, get off my knees and write some inventory and I'm going to stay sober? That's insane. But it's the facts. It's the experience that we have had. It's the experience that they have had if we do this work as outlined in this book, if we make the commitment, if We do it honestly, if we do it humbly and affect sometimes a great one was felt at once. It does not say you will enter a pink cloud. It doesn't say that. So shut up about the pink cloud. My biggest pet peeve in Alcoholics Anonymous is that people sit around and talk about this stupid pink cloud. I'm not kidding. I was that newcomer all the time, and we'd start looking better, and we start feeling better, and we started smelling better, and we would start getting a little pokey-pokey again, and I'd say it. I didn't like it. And we'd starts thinking, oh my gosh, all is well in the world. I was making two hard turns of that drinking thing. I'm alright. and we go back and we drink again because we don't move on with the rest of the steps because nobody's standing there in my face saying you better get off your knees and get the pen to the paper because what this book says is the effect will be permanent. Right? Next, we launched out on a course of vigorous action the first step of which is a personal house cleaning which many of us had never attempted. I tried to But they told me I did it wrong. Though our decision, meaning that third step decision, was a vital, life-saving, and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once, followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. I got an effect from that third set. Let me tell you, seven and a half years later, I still have an effect from that third step. Today, I get just as giddy when I read these words. I getjust as excited when Iread these words I can't believe that getting on my knees and working some steps has kept me sober. But following this program of action has kept me sober when I tried everything else that was at my disposal. How cool is that? And it didn't say, you have to know God and understand God. It doesn't say that. it says say this prayer say it humbly say it honestly and then follow it up with some action that's what it's all about we'll roll into some inventory and take a look at what this is going to look like now if the third step is a decision it's based on some information if step one is the problem step two is the solution step three is a moment of contemplation about what to do about that if self manifested in various ways is what really defeated me I'm only catching a glimpse of it in the third step like Julie was talking about when I look at the actor running the show and I'm looking at this stuff I can get with pieces of it, but I'm about to see it live and live in color come full force in inventory. And that's the point. What Bill's setting us up for is to see that problems are of my own making. Because I've been a long time talking about problems that you made for me, at me, around me, about me. And what I'm about to embark upon is seeing the truth for the very very very first time. you know um earlier on it talks about um i may have admitted certain fault but i'm certain that you're more to blame certain of it convinced of it you know and i live in this delusional world of alcoholism where everything is distorted out of proportion doesn't make sense and the only way to make sense about it is to say that it's it's out there and what i can get down with in looking at the third step and rolling into inventory is that if the problem is me and the problem is internal, then it can change. If the problem remains you, then itís time to get a bottle because itís not going to be any different. So what weíre looking at back on 64 is whatís been blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit. This is the whole driving point of inventory is getting down to symptoms, causes, conditions. This Is What Weíre Looking For. So it goes into taking a commercial inventory. Itís going to give us an example. Taking a commercial inventory is fact finding, fact facing process. So when it says searching and fearless, this is what we mean. Fact finding is searching. Fact facing is fearless. Inherently we know some things deep down in our gut but we're afraid to look at them. And if we look at them it means by God we might have to accept some responsibility. Which is why nobody in this room prior to getting sober ever took personal inventory. You will never convince me that you did it. You might have pseudo-done it, but you didn't do it. Because if I can stop short and make it about you, why would I press on? I wouldn't. I wouldnít. Right? Itís an effort to discover the truth, which is the piece talking about moral inventory, which means truth, about the stock in trade. Iím going to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods. Get rid of them promptly and without regret. Remember that. Julieís going to talk in depth about that with six and seven. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. What they're referring to is delusions. I believe that some of the things in my life have served me and I'd like to hold on to them. The problem is they're killing me and everybody around me and i can't see it and that's the sponsor's job to get in and look at it and sift through and tease out the truth and show you the facts because i don't know about you guys but i've lived a world based on emotion. Anybody get with that if i feel it therefore it is i don't like you therefore you're a bad person well not necessarily i've got my little sensitive feelings hurt there's been some sort of an exchange and the truth has not been revealed yet until i slide down to fourth column right so god can't get in when i'm blocked out by resentments my fears and my sex conduct so we're going to take an overhauling and look at what am what is it that's causing so much resentment within my spirit the heaviness the darkness, the drudgery. What does that look like? And a lot of times people say well I'm not really an angry person. Feel ya. I don't have enough energy to be angry. By God I'm bitter. There's something that's grinding on me. There's something that irritating me. Chris gives this great example. If the person that you are to write down in the first column if you're having dinner with your significant other and this person walks into the restaurant are you uncomfortable? Right? Their name goes on the list. I don't have to hate you. I don't have to plot your demise. I have some of you, but right. Are you uncomfortable? That's a great way to look at it if you're wondering what that might look like. So it talks about self being manifested in various ways, defeating it. We're going to consider it common manifestation because here's the truth. Inventory is all the same. Everybody's inventory. There'll be different names, different scenarios, but what that those are called manifestations of self. So every, if you're wondering, well, I don'T have the same experience is how will i be able to see this person's truth how will this person be able to see my truth easily just like that because all you're talking about is manifestation resentment is the number one offender and not the truth it destroys more alcoholics than anything else from its stem all forms of spiritual disease for we have been not only mentally and physically ill we've been spiritually sick when the spiritual maladies overcome we straighten out mentally and physically. They begin to introduce this peace, this malady, this sickness that's kind of all over us and begin to look at what that looks like. So it says they give you just the most simplistic directions. And here's the truth, guys. There's about 30,000 formats floating around about inventory. So not interested in which one of them you use. Doesn't matter to me. I need to see that you can get down to the facts. You want to use check boxes? Check on. You wanna write it out right away. You want to use notebook paper? Cool. You want to do a printout? Fine. Do not get into a debate and get divisive about that kind of nonsense. It drives the newcomer into a state of confusion. Don't do that. Don' do that." So it says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. So I'm going to get down and look at it. I'm gonna list people, institutions and principles. So this is all you're looking at. And in first, don't overwhelm yourself. Don'T work across the board, trying to get them all set out just walk Just work. First column. People. Who are the names? And you guys know this stuff. Some people think, I just can't remember. Really? Who are you on the barstool talking about? Who have you been in the garage drinking at? You know who these people are. You've been ruminating for years. Because God knows we don't let anything go. These people. These principles. What are the principles? What are principles of life that you don't care for? Maybe it's Ten Commandments. Maybe it's women should be seen and not heard, right? Maybe it men should treat people like this. You don't care. What is it that's grinding on you? Places, institutions, the police department, have they wronged you in your eyes? The legal system, you know, not been fair to you, right, never fair. What are those institutions? CPS got your kids you thought, you now, they just did you wrong. Get it out. Get it down on paper. You want to put specific names, have at it. I like to group them, you know. I put Corinth Police Department. There's only one person I'm really upset with. The whole, all of you on there, you know. That's fine. Get down to it and see what it really looks like. You've been told it's not okay to be gay? Put that on there. That rubbing you the wrong way doesn't sit right? Write it down. You cannot be afraid of what that person is going to think. All right? I cannot care what Julie thinks about what I put on inventory. Life can't afford it. Absolutely can't. Get clear on first column because this will drive you. Then slide on over to that second column. What are the causes? And Bill's great. He's got it laid out on 65 on what his looks like, and we're going to take his inventory here in a bit. That's the easiest thing in the world to see. So I ask myself, why am I angry? So the second column is going to look like a cause. What is it that you've done or has happened to me as a direct result of your behavior? So this is going to say, in most cases it was found our self-esteem, pocketbooks, ambitions, personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. We were sore. We were burned up. Isn't that indicative of everyone in this room? Burned up. Eat up with resentment. So just as simplistic as Bill's done it on 65 on the cause. I mean, look at how simplistic this is. His attention to my wife. I'm telling you what, you pay attention to my man. We're going to get deep. I'm writing. I'm right. And he could have gone into novels about this and he didn't. Why? Because the details are not important. They're really not. If your sponsor needs to hear more detail to get a clear depiction of what's going on, they'll ask. They will. But see, I get lost in column two because that's where I've always stopped prior to getting sober. sitting on a barstool talking about column one and two and possibly how it affected me because I'm a martyr by nature. But I could get stuck in column two. Don't do that. It's not necessary. His attention to my wife. Told my wife about my mistress. He gossiped about me, got me in trouble at home. Now he's trying to get my job at the office. He could have written huge, and you guys will run into people that'll do that, but bring in files. I've got 832 pages of inventory. I'm sure as hell I'm not going to listen to that. I don't have time, and it's not important. What we need to drive down is to the fourth column. I can't get hung up with you on you wanting to do therapy with me. It's not what we're doing. So it says on our grudges list, we said opposite each name are injuries. Was it our self-esteem, security, ambition, personal or sex relations which have been interfered with? What part of self have you interfered With so that I'm Not happy with you? Because if you don't threaten one of my God-given instincts, I don't know you're on the planet. I don' t even notice you because that's how self-involved I was. But you start threatening my money, the relationship, the way others perceive me. You embarrass me. Any of these things that threaten sex relations, security, what I need to be okay, self-esteem, how I feel about me, you start stepping on those toes and I'll remember you until the day I die. etched in stone you know what you did and the inflection and tone in your voice when you said it i mean we are just we're just like that it's too funny so i'm looking at column one column two and column three now i'm somebody that went ahead and wrote out my the fourth column i could see in some way in limited ways where i had been selfish dishonest self-seeking i could see some of that just like I could see some of the actor running the show but it wasn't until I got across the table from another woman who was emotionally detached from my drama and my nonsense to be able to really clearly see it and then when I begin to do inventory the fear begins to set in of well at some point I'll be listening to inventory and what if I don't see it let me pose this question to you have you ever been at work and had a co-worker begin to tell a story about how they were wronged. And you're sitting there thinking, well, I can get with that, but you totally set that in motion. You made some bad decisions way back there and kind of caused this stuff to manifest. So that's really kind of on you, right? It's super easy to see it in other people, but when you're in it, you're like in it to win it, right. You're like, no, you don't understand the detail and the, you know, she said this and hold on, I got another detail over here. It's like, nobody cares, right? No. No. Julie doesn't for sure. For sure. I get asked this question more often than not. Audrey, what are the facts? I said, I told you, I think that he feels because of what I think. It's just like silliness, right. I'm a master at that. I think I know what you think about me. And then I proceed to make decisions based upon that. That's a recipe for disaster. Recipe for disaster, right, A bunch of mind readers. Because we went back through our lives, nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Now I'm a huge proponent of that. Thoroughness and honestly doesn't mean it takes six months to write inventory. What it means is I got honest about the truth. I started from now. What's eating your lunch today? I'm not going to think about the boy who didn't ask me to dance as a third grade little square dance. That's not what's eating me. Right now at current it was a relationship. It was the stuff my family and I have been through together. It was some financial stuff. It was a man in my life that had harmed me. It was that stuff, and then I can go back through, back through my life. But if I get hung up on trying to remember all that stuff from square one, it becomes overwhelming. It becomes daunting, and this is where people throw up their hands and go, no, never mind. It doesn't have to be that difficult. Yeah, and let's get real clear. If you can't get thorough and honest on a piece of paper, welcome to rarely. exactly exactly you'll have trouble downstream and this is where people think that they don't have to write things down um and begin to justify why they don'T matter and you'll see people get loaded downstream and go but I work the steps yeah but were you honest how many times does it have to say back here in 58 three times in the first paragraph to be honest right if I still care what people think about me I'm not ready to get sober that's the truth that's true it talks about being fearless and thorough from the very start it talks about next we launched out on a course of vigorous action there denotes a real sense of urgency and if you get caught up on how you feel you're headed for a world hurt you just are you just aren't sobriety is not difficult it's uncomfortable it's comfortable i'm gonna have to talk about examine get willing to do a bunch of stuff i've never been willing to be able to do so okay welcome to the process if it was easy everybody in the world would be sober right but it denotes me doing some things that i'm not not too keen on doing so it says on 66 says to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got isn't that the truth the usual outcome is that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves you may have been there i shoulda i wish i had next time i'm gonna and you replay that over and over and you hate yourself because you couldn't be true, couldn't be true to you. He says, but the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. That's an every time statement. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived. Right? Because the delusion is if I can do it my way, I'll be happy. You've got to ask yourself that question. Did you come to Alcoholics Anonymous to get your way or to get something different? Right? I've spent a lifetime sitting there thinking about how it should have gone and what y'all should have done and how it should have gone down. World of delusion. So this elusive fourth column nobody seems to talk about is on page 67. A couple paragraphs down, it says, Referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Brand new concept. Own mistakes. I'm so not concerned with column one and column two. I'm really not. You could replace those with anybody's name, anybody's scenario. If you want to get free, you better look at you. Because the more time you spend looking at other people, the more unhappy you will become. You can take that principle on down the road because it will hold true. So it says, where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? See, this is the nature of the defect. This is where we're all the same. Julie's selfishness shows up and manifests very differently than mine. It does. See, Julie will run over you. Trying to make it work. Trying to pile drive through life. I know better. I go behind the scenes quietly as I smile and get deceitful and fix whatever it is that I don't like and then go, huh? Right? It manifests very differently. But it's the same defect. Selfish. We think we know what you need to be doing. How arrogant of me. But it will show up differently. But this is the good news is that it's all the same. It just might appear a little bit different. So we're looking for selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened. So if you've got somebody writing it out on notebook paper, that's all they're writing. Selfish, dishonesty, self seeking, and frighten. Then they're going to write the ways according to that resentment as they work across the page. How are they selfish? How are THEY dishonest? And remember that dishonesty includes delusion more often than not. Self-seekings. How is it all about me? Because isn't it always all about me? Frightened. What you'll find is that at the base of every resentment is a core fear. It is the driving force of all of your actions, and I've never ever known that to not be true. Now here comes the rub. Sometimes it's like, well, man, that was a bad situation that happened to them. I mean, how can they even have a part in that? Let me show you where it is. Slide back over to 66. First full paragraph down, one line in. To the precise extent that we permit these, meaning these resentments, this unhappiness, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile? There you go. There you Go. Is it your fault that you were touched inappropriately at three years old? Did you bring that on? No. You didn't play a part in that. As an adult, now that you're 47 and getting sober and have been unable to let it go your entire life, whose fault is that? You think you can have a new experience with a human being as you're carrying around the sickness from your past and justifying it while you get to drink? That's the part. See what I mean? There's always a part. What are you doing with it? Are you a molestation victim or are you a survivor? Those are very different things. Are you using it to help other men and women who have had similar experiences and have pain and bring them somewhere different and cool? Or are you still wah, wah,wah? I got touched at three. Wow, right? Welcome to some truth in your life. Now that is hard to see. It's hard to say. And I'll tell you what, it's even harder to say sometimes. But if you love somebody and like you love another alcoholic, you'll tell them the truth even if it's uncomfortable. Was it your fault you got raped? No. Well, what are you doing with it? Right? This is what we're talking about. So back to 67, back to this paragraph. It says, though a situation had not been entirely our fault, We tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. So if I'm going to get somewhere different, it stands to reason I've got to know where I am. I have to have a clear depiction of where I are. And in the fourth step, where I'm is bound by self. I made a decision in three to ask God to relieve me of the bondage of self, but in four I'm getting to see what bondage looks like. See, I'm bound by my defects. I am bound by selfishness. I am wound by delusion. I am found by my martyrdom, my victim mentality. And I tell you what, guys, if you walk out of a fifth step still a victim, you are in so much trouble. Victims do not get sober. They don't and they damn sure don't stay sober. I've got to be free. If it's still out here, then I'm still bound. If it can be in here, it can be changed and I've gotta be able to have that mentality to walk in. So step four is kind of like a Cliff calls it a diagnostic step. We're diagnosing what the problem really is. I've written an inventory as Julie's listening to it, she's making a list of character defects that are spot on that are keeping me in bondage itself so that when I walk into 6 and 7, which she's going to talk about later, I've got a clear idea of what I'm working with. God already knows what he's working with, but I've Got to get eyeballs on what I'M working with so that I can clearly give to God what's been shown. So it gets real important not to do a fifth step with just a buddy, somebody who's goingto go, Oh, I hear you. All right, move on. Bless your heart, darling. I'd have drank two if I had that. I've gone alive. But, you know, the book is crystal clear that if you want to do some inventory work with a clergy person, if you're going to do it with a pastor, if you were to do with somebody of that nature, rock on. That's cool. But understand that's not what we're looking at. You need to go to confession. Alcoholics Anonymous so honors that. Awesome. Go do what you need to do. But get with a drunk to see the truth. because this will not be about what do I need to be doing for forgiveness. You've already been forgiven by God, and we'll talk more about that in the ninth step step. You've уже been forgiven. What we're looking at is what is blocking me from the sunlight of the Spirit. How many times have you gotten on your knees and said, God, please just help me stop drinking? And you said it with utter sincerity only to get off your knees and find yourself loaded in short order. What happened? Were you not really sincere? No, of course you were. but you had too much stuff blocking you, right? So I've got to get down to causes and conditions. You know, I love Joe and Charlie that break down four-step inventory, and they talk about it being like a football replay. You know those situations, those scenarios that you're writing about in the first couple columns, when you begin to replay those, because that's what resentment means, to replay it and then to essentially re-feel it. Because every time I replay that conversation I had with that woman 15 years ago, I replay it, I re-feel it, and the madder I become. And the more she comes off looking like a jerk and I come off looking like a victim. So it's kind of like a football replay where the first time you see it, you're like, ooh, that was a pretty hard hit. They got the quarterback and they hit him pretty hard. That was bad. Then what are they going to do? They're going to slow it down and replay it. And as you see him flip up in the air, you're not going to be able to You're like, now, that kind of looks like you need a penalty on that. It looks crazy. And as he hits the ground, you're like... No, that is wrong. That is wrong! They're going to replay it about four times. By the fourth time, you are mad! You don't even care about the teams that are in it. But you are MAD! And that's what that stuff does when I selfishly sit and ruminate over and over and over. And the inflection and tone in your voice change. And you get meaner and meaner every time you got onto me. Or whatever it was that was said. And that's the obsession of my mind at this point is that I've got to be right and you've got to be wrong. Wow. I remember sitting in treatment, I had this old, I call him Old Man Dan, he was about 100, and we would sit in this place called the Butthutts and smoke cigarettes. I never went to gym, I hardly went to class. He would sit out there and teach me big book. And he used to ask me, kid, do you want to be white or do you wants to be at peace? And I was like, well, I want to do both. Don't we all? Don't we all? Welcome to being a grown-up. Do you want to be right or do you want to be free? Do you have the ability to look at something for what it is and go, you know what, can't change any of that but where I was at fault was I set the ball rolling by the comments that I made and the decision I made that I knew was best for everybody and so this is essentially my part and I can do something with that and let the rest of it go. But I don't know about y'all but I've decided to let stuff go in the past only to 45 minutes find myself later irritated with you again i don't know how to let that kind of stuff go and so this is the process the inventory is going to drive me into seeing what the truth is and after i can see what the proof is back on 67 where it says we placed them before us in black and white it's real hard to argue with the paper right it's the list i mean i'm looking at a list of character defects that i am not thrilled to have but i can't argue with paper because it's dead on. It's based upon the facts. So it says we admitted them honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. The question then becomes, do you like what you see? Are you willing to go to any lengths to change that? Because I'm a lot like Julie in the fact that I thought I was a giver. I've been told by my mother since I was tiny that I was precious. She always said, you're the most precious thing God ever made. God. You know, I believed that. And when I got into AA and they said, problems of your own making, I went, excuse me, crush it. You know? Maybe you didn't hear the first three columns. Right? But I had to get driven into a point. See, what happens is we come into a fifth step prepared to sort of pseudo-plead our case. Right? Because we've been doing it in the bars for a number of years. Guess what she did? Guess what he said? And a strong sponsor, ten times out of ten will spin the tables on you and show you, I hear you, darling, but here's the truth. Oh, like a gut in the, you know, knife in the belly. But that's the most freeing thing that will ever happen to you. I remember walking out of this fifth step and going, oh, be damned, it's my fault. How cool is that? How cool was that? Kind of takes the defensive component right on out of it. So we look at this resentment inventory, and then we're going to move on to the fear inventory. There's lots of different ways to write fear inventory, you can do it in columns, you can do in pairs, whatever. What I've got to see is the same thing. So down on 67 it says, this short word somehow touches about every aspect of our life. If you can't trace a resentment to fear, you hadn't worked, because it's a driving force every single time. It was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence was shot through it. It's kind of like, have you ever seen a knit sport coat? And there's so many tiny little intricate colors. You can't even tell what color is what because it's so woven. That's what fear is. It gets in your cells and your tissue. It's at the core of every single thing. It's just woven. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. This crosses lines with resentment and with fear. What happens, why resentment is the number one offender is it turns to self-pity like that. Then I wear it like a cloak of dignity, right? Oh, have you been through this? No? Step to the side. I get to act however I want to. I get fear out of my selfish way of living. Fear is always driven by a selfish motive. I want what I want. Myers always says, that's the battle cry of every drunk I've ever known. Smartest thing I ever heard. I want What I Want and I'm afraid I'm not going to get it or you're going to get it first or you are going to take it from me. I'm all about me. Out of my Selfish Mode of Living that modality drives me into fear which places me in a position of what? To panic and then begin to think of who's my thinkers in here? Anybody thinkers, plotters, planners? Right? Oh, God. It just places me in a position of self-reliance. And then I begin to concoct plans and set things in motion. Then when it backfires, I want to spin around and go, hey, point the finger at you. Who set it all in motion? Oh, me because I panicked. I didn't think I was going to get what I wanted. So I did what? I was dishonest, deceitful, manipulative, self-serving, inconsiderate of you and what was going on in your world because I got my eye on the prize. So I've got to get down and look at this stuff. Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. Early on in sobriety, I used to read this text and think, God Almighty, they're so dramatic in the way that they write. But they're really, really not. It ought to быть classed as stealing. It seems it causes more trouble why? It's the driving force of every wrong decision, every bad action, every poor decision that I've ever made. Every single one of them can be traced back to that. So it says we reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them. So I'm going to get out some paper. I'm on a list. What are my fears? What is it that I'm always afraid of? And there's tons of fears out there. You could be afraid of just about anything. And the truth is most of us are afraid of the opposite too, Afraid of failure, but you're afraid to succeed too. What would you do then? You're afraid of being alone, but you're also afraid to be in a committed relationship. You know, it's the funniest thing. I'm afraid of everything a lot of times. I want to act like I'm not afraid of anything, but that's just not the truth. So I'm going to list what fears I have. And then it says we asked ourselves why we had them. So I am going to list the fears and then I am gonna ask, why do I have it? If I'm scared of being alone, why might that be? It's uncomfortable. There's nobody else to rely on. I'm afraid of what people will think about me being alone, stuff like that, right? Wasn't it because self-reliance failed me? Everything I touched turns to crap. So it says self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it did not fully solve the fear problem or any other. This is Jim. When it made us cocky, it was worse. You ever watch those people? They come into the room, got to let you know they're in the room. That's not about arrogance. It only appears that way. That's about absolute paralyzing fear. When it made us cocky, it was worse. It's real hard to watch, especially when you know what the driving force is. It's like, oh, darling, we see you. Sit down. It's okay. It's going to have to be at the top of everything, the best of everything. The head of everything places people. It's about fear, not about arrogant. Right? So I'm going to look at what is the fear? Why do I have the fear? And am I relying on me or am I reliant on my creator? I love to watch people get confused around that question. I don't know, it's possible I'm relying on God. Really? You sure? If you're relying on god, are you in paralyzing fear? No. No. So, I mean, you could get real detailed with it if you wanted to. Have you been relying on you or god? In what areas have you not been, right? You can trace it all down if you want to. But the important thing is to see the truth. I'm afraid to be alone. Why? All the reasons I listed a moment ago. Where does self-reliance fail me? I stay in relationships too long I don't need to be in. Or I get in relationships when I'm clear that I don' t need to. Have you ever had that? We all have that God-given intuition. It's just a matter of are you awake to it or not. But have you ever heard that where you go, Don't do that. Don't doing that. You've got that gripping. It's kind of like it crushes your tummy. It makes you go don't, don't don't and you do it anyway. It's about self-reliance, right? Self-rebliance availed me nothing. Kind of like self-knowledge. Self-anything is going to be wind up on the floor. I guarantee you. Guarantee you. So that's about softness. Self-reliance. So once I get down and look at that, I can see that my faith, it's not that I don't have capacity for faith in something bigger. It's that it's been misplaced and I've had it in me. Because isn't that what you're taught when you're little? Audrey, have a goal. Have drive. Have determination. Set a plan. make a path. Don't count on anybody else. Get it, right? And we just kind of pile drive through life, giving it 100%, bumping into everybody and everything, stepping on toes as we go, getting our little feelings hurt when things don't pan out. I love when it says, what happens? The show doesn't come off very well. I wrote the word shocking above that line, right ? Everything I turn to, I've got a death grip on because I'm driven by fear. It's the funniest thing to watch these little drunks come in and they've got their talons gripped around a life of destruction that they hate and they're terrified to let it go driving force of my action horrible to watch says perhaps there's a better way this is based on the experience of the first 100 we think so for we're now on a different basis basis of what having made a third step commitment because that's what it is the commitment the basis of trusting and relying upon god we trust infinite god rather than our finite selves we're in the world to play the role he assigns isn't that a concept so instead of steady handing out parts to all the rest of the actors and exes get on your exes places I'm in the World to Play the Role He Assigns and that's it me and him no one else this is what we're talking about just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity this is what they mean by living life on god's terms not living life on life's terms that's a common confusion living life on life terms we know what that looks like that's what it looks like out there in the third dimension we're attempting to slide on over into the fourth dimension living on spiritual basis which is a brand new world for most of us right enable us to match calamity with serenity that's one of the biggest promises i love because it's the difference between me manhandling life and then letting or on the flip side letting life come at me connected to the power of god very different very different so it says down here we've got the the uh and i forgot about the resentment prayer we'll go back and look at that um down at the okay all right so we're looking at the fear prayer in the next paragraph um it says The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. It's more like faith produces courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. Demonstrate through us what he kan do. Here we go. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. Not for him to fix the situation to my liking. That was my previous prayer. God, get on it. Fix it. Look at it. Pay attention, right? No. What would you have me be? Very different. And I tell you what, we always think that's about action. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it is sit down and hush. Don't touch it. Don't call her. Don't get on top of that. Don't mention it. Leave it alone. I learned that more often than not. It is a painful lesson over and over. Sit down and Hush. It says at once we commence to outgrow fear. This is the point where I stop trying to manhandle and begin to be of maximum service. But the deal is, we're all waiting to trust God and feel connected and okay before we take action. Because that's kind of how we do it in third dimension. We use logic. We worship the God of reason. If it makes sense, do it. If we can wrap our brains around it, it's a good idea. Not so. Not so in recovery. I'm not waiting to overcome fear to take necessary action. I take necessary reaction and then I begin to overcome here. It's everything in here is backwards. It makes no sense, and that's okay. I mean, how have we lived our whole life? Why do you need it to make sense now? Right? Put down the bottle of whiskey. Just try it. Just try him. This is all that we're looking for. Well, I do want to kind of talk about that resentment stuff for just a second because where it talks about it's kind of like we all have these resentments and we think that we can wish them away and wish them away, and we're not talking about even when we've just come in. Let's talk about when we're three months down the line or six months or five years down the lines, and all of a sudden we're more sober and we'RE smarter and better, and look at me, I'm so successful in AA. It's like, I've arrived! But we start getting these little resentments, and we think we can WISH them away, and we CAN'T, and WE really need to be real clear on that. I cannot WISH resentments away. So It says that this is our course of action. See, it says to be free, to live. If we were to live, we had to be free of this anger. Because see, one resentment is going to cut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit. And the insanity to drink is going to return and we will drink. And for us to drink is to die. And so we have to be free ofthis anger. It doesn't say you might want to think about it. It says we must be free of this and who's going to make this possible but God um and so we have a definite course to take now it when and in talking about that resentment prayer I love I love people I think get a little bit um confused um because I hear a lot of times well um I pray for them I'm not and I don't really care what happens to them right what I need changed is me I have to change my sponsor set me straight on this pretty quick and says here's our course we realize that people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick and a lot of us We like to stop right there, right? We like the go, well, they're sick. Bless their hearts because we don't want to read on. It says, because my sponsor will look at it and he goes, like you, Julie. Love you, but you're sick too, right, and so we realize that they're spiritually sick. Now, though we do not like their symptoms, like spiritual symptoms can seep out different ways. We can be arrogant. We can being critical. We can, you know, whatever it is. These spiritual symptoms can, and when they disturb me, right? If it disturbs me, I don't like that. But then I have to go, well, they, like ourselves, are sick too. So they're no different from me. I do not get to place myself above anybody. When I do that, I become arrogant. If I think because your symptoms are sicker than mine, I'm worse than you are. Because then I'm in judgment. So it says we ask God to help us. Who are we going to ask? God. To help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. Now sometimes this is quite difficult. Especially if we've had somebody that has really, really harmed us. Right? So that's why I say sometimes I don't give a rat's ass if that person lives or dies. And I'm going to be honest about that. At least I'm honest. Because this is what I need to do. It says when a person offended, we said to ourselves, hey, God, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? I can be helpful by not saying a word. I can help them. I can also be helpful by leaving. I can become helpful by never talking to them again if I can't be patient, kindly, and tolerant. Right? This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God saved me from being angry. Thy will be done. See, who am I asking God to change? Me. Am I asking God to change that guy? Absolutely not. Because my world should not matter if they change or not. See, I need to get okay with whether you change or not. The deal is that if I don't change, I'm going to drink again. If my attitude doesn't change. I'm gonna drink again. What's going to cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit but one resentment, right? So I've got to be free of that anger. I've Got to be Free of it for me to live and walk free. It doesn't matter what people in this world do, say, think or feel. I get to walk free of That. I have a course of action to get there though. It's not about me sitting around and going, turn it over. I turned it over and then I took it back. Well, really? then you really didn't get on a course of action. Because if you get on the course of action, I guarantee you you will be free of this. Does that make sense? Going on to the fear... Is that good? Do you have anything else on that? Moving on the fear thing, I don't know about y'all but I'm a... I was always one of those friends that everybody would call me for advice. drunk or not. And I always considered myself a pretty strong woman, and so when they said, you need to write down your fears, and I thought, that is funny, because I fear nothing. I'm afraid of nothing, or like Audrey said, I will plow through you in a minute to get what I need. i started writing my fears and i had a book of fears and that's why i say this is just a matter of getting pen to paper and we get honest with the paper i mean i i wrote down every single fear that i couldn't believe how much stuff how many decisions how much you played a part in every decision I made and how afraid I was of what you thought of me because it clearly showed on the paper. See, we can sit around and think all we want and be in this self-delusion of what we think we are and who we think we are but when we get to the paper and that's what this fourth step is all about it's fact finding, fact facing to discover the truth about us. It's not to discover the drama, it's to discover the truthabout. I don't care how It's kind of like, a friend of mine always says, it's like getting the sour milk. If you're in a store and there's sour milk, I don't care how the sour milk got sour. It's sour. How are we going to discard it and get rid of it promptly without regret? Okay, I know about y'all, but that's the coolest promise right there in the beginning. We're going to discarded this and get read of it properly and without regret. Meaning, look, when we write this stuff out, it looks ugly. I don't know about y'all, but I'm sitting here writing, especially when she gets to the next inventory, that sex inventory. I'm like, ouch, right? And so I'm going ucky, uckly, ucking. And to tell me that in the beginning, before I even start putting this to paper, that I promise you, I promiseyou, and you better Promise your protégés. Promise you as you write this, I promise you, you can get rid of this promptly and without regret. And God will take this to a different place and let you use it. See, I know that when I made that third step, and it's going to be followed up later, nothing in my life happened because it happened for me. It happened so that I can be of service to him. How cool is that? I think we're good. Okay. All right, so back on 68 down at the bottom. We're going to roll into some sex inventory. Where are we at? 1130? We're down to 1145 or something. Okay. All right. So now about sex. Many of us need an overhauling there. Raise your hands. I'm just kidding. Some of you just voluntarily. Me! Pick me. We're gonna do some sex inventories. But it says, above all, we try to be sensible on this question. I tell you what, I've never heard so many opinions in my whole life than when we get down to some sex inventory. And really what this is looking like is how am I interacting with other people and what does that really look like? That's the question when we're looking at this inventory. So it says it's easy to get way off track. Here we find human opinions, highlight human opinions. Running to extremes, absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry sex is the lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex, who bewail the institution of marriage, who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. We don't have enough of it. It's not the right kind. They see significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fear and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. It's kind of like a spectrum. There are those of us out here who believe in monogamy, marriage, heterosexual relationships. There are ceux of us that believe in anything goes. And you will find variation anywhere on that spectrum. It matters none. So not interested in your beliefs. Not one bit. When I sit down to look at sex conduct inventory, because that's the word, conduct, how am I conducting myself inside of these engagements and interactions? I don't care what Julie's thoughts are on marriage. I really don't. I need to know where are you seeing me manifesting sickness by my character defects? Where am I showing up? That's what I need now. I don'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY. I DON'T CAR EF YOU THING IT'S O.K. TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. I DONT CARE. AND I'M NOT HERE TO TELL YOU ALL THE FREAKY STUFF I'VE DONE. I'VE DONE SOME FREAK Y STUFF. I'LL DO SOME FREAKY THOUGHTS, RIGHT? SO IS JULIE. AND IT'S FUNNY. And there's some times that you've got some pain around that. You've got shame around it and you want to admit some of that to your sponsor. Have at it. You need to get some stuff off your chest. So cool. Go for it.