Shy Is a Character Defect — It Means I’m Thinking Way Too Much About What You Think of Me — Kista C. and Amy

okay um okay my name is amy and i'm an alcoholic um this meeting is awesome i'm really excited to be here um i've never been to this meeting it's so organized i really really appreciate that it's clean and organized um well i guess what um i'm just feeling really grateful for alcoholics anonymous i too have been around since 1999 however i have seven years sober so um not 14 seven um and um what i can say i don't really like to me spending that much time on uh uh what it was like isn't that important anymore the the highlights of that are um i couldn't stop drinking i wanted i said for several years i'm not gonna drink tomorrow um and then i don't want to feel this way i don't want to wake up hungover i'm so depressed i'm so alone um i don't want to feel this way tomorrow so or again to tomorrow so i'm not going to drink tonight and then without fail um by the evening i would be you know at the liquor store the grocery store buying more booze and would proceed to get drunk and that started that started in college and i didn't quit so that went on for a while because i didn't quit drinking until i was in my 30s maybe like 30 or something anyway um like 32 i think so the point is what went along with that was um i did a lot of damage to myself um my family um i did things that were dangerous that i wouldn't do drunk or not drunk like i used to like hit cars when i was drunk in my car and not stop and i wouldn't do that now um i just i wouldn't uh mostly because driving drunk endangers other people i mean it's okay to endanger myself, but it's not really fair to endanger other people. Um, so I did stuff like that. It was really demoralizing. Um, it just went on and on. It was the same thing over and over and over for years. And I did what I didn't realize until I finally was like, I just can't take this anymore. I just couldn't take it. Um, I looked in the mirror. What happened was I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself when I got scared. There was something about my eyes and my face was puffy. Um, cause I was drinking so much and there was something in my eyes, they were like extra dark or something, but like kind of hollow and vacant also. And it freaked me out. Um, that combined with, there was a stuff going on in my body because I was taking all these antidepressants of course I was depressed. Like what came, which came first? It doesn't matter. Just like knock off the drinking. My experience was knock off the drinking and everything will work out, which is what happened. So I went to, I went to detox and then they went to rehab. I came to Southern California to go to rehab and I've been here ever since because, um, recovery is so huge here. Um, it was, I went to rehab for six weeks. They suggested I go to a recovery home. I did that. Um, I lived there for eight months in San Diego. Uh, it was a great experience. It was like money in the bank. I learned how to do pretty much everything. Um, sober because I started drinking when I was like in smoking pot and doing drugs when I was like 13. So, um, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like a 13 year old again emotionally. So I hadn't, there were a lot of things I hadn't, didn't know how to do sober. Like, you know, go to a rock show or, you know, talk to guys or be around my family or anything happy or anything sad or the sun goes down. Like any of that I was drinking. So, um, that was the advantage of going to a recovery home and having all that structure. Um, it was suggested there that I, I get, um, a sponsor and I was really against all of this AA stuff. Let me just, when I went to detox, um, I had some really weird experiences with AA. Like the medical director was very kind of like dismissive. And, and I, I was like, this guy's a jerk. He said, you have to get a higher power. It doesn't matter if it's a doorknob. And I was like, and then there was a speaker meeting and the speaker lady was talking about how her family was on Jerry Springer and someone was in the trunk of the car. And I was like, this is weird. I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I really don't relate. And I only heard the differences. I didn't hear, I'm sure there was something in there that I could have related to, but I was so freaked out that I just let this, this is the first time I went to detox, not the time when I ended up getting sober. I just left and ended up drinking. Um, because I thought AA was, uh, I thought it was for some reason, I thought it was Christian and you had to be like Christian or religious or something. Um, anyway, when I did finally get a sponsor in, I went to rehab actually in the, there were some guys there who were kind of young and, um, they're heroin addicts and I thought they were cool. They were like my buddies and they were like, Oh no, dude. Um, uh, higher power can be like the ocean, you know, like we're surfers and you know, it's the ocean, anything that's bigger than you. And it was like, Oh, nature. Those are the times when I have felt a connection, um, has been in nature. So, um, that was kind of like the first sign that I got like, Oh, this could be okay. These guys don't seem like they're in a cult. They seem kind of cool and dolphins and waves and like all that I can get, that's fine. I can get on board with that trees and mountains. And, um, so obviously I have relapsed. Um, what I can say about that briefly is, um, I let myself get to a point where I was really angry and resentful through, um, you know, not going to meetings or just letting resentments fest. Um, and then just pouring gasoline on these resentments in my mind, it's all in my mind. There's really no problem. It's just my thinking. Um, so I let these resentments just pile up until I get really angry. And then I get to a point where it's like flipping a switch where I don't care. I don't care what happens. I don't care what happens to me, or, uh, I don't care if I die and my mom's sad or there's no one to take care of my little dog or, you know, like any, I just don't care. And then I drink. So that's what happened. Um, that was not the easiest path to take. Uh, I, it, I went in and out, in and out until a sponsor who's awesome. Her name was Gwen in San Diego. And she was like, listen, I was getting divorced, you know, like whatever things happen, you know, like life goes on, you know, people die, people get divorced, you know? Um, so Gwen was like, listen, this, relapsing is pathetic. She's like, you're not pathetic, but this relapsing is pathetic. And I was like, she's right. And she didn't say it with any attachment. It was kind of like, she was like some Bodhisattva and like enlightened beings. She was like, it's, you know, and I was like, she's right. And I was like, I don't really think I'm pathetic, but this behavior is certainly pathetic. So I, she's just kind of like knock it off. And for some reason I did. Um, and I'm really, really glad. Um, so, uh, what it's like now is, uh, completely different. Um, I don't really think about drinking. I think about God and now my concept of God has evolved, uh, over this, uh, 14 years. Um, currently, um, I think about step three a lot, like, uh, maybe decision, our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Um, for me, that just takes the pressure off. Uh, if there's, uh, something that I can't handle or is too big, which is everything, like, I don't have control over any, like, I don't, the only thing I do have control over is my thinking. So everything else it's just like here, God or higher power, just take it. And it's, it's kind of genius because there's nothing I can do about it anyway. And, um, and also then, um, step, step 11, saw through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him praying only for knowledge of his, his power and his power to carry it out. Um, I find that, um, those two steps go together nicely. Um, the more that I do seem to engage, uh, with this, uh, higher power of my own design, and it has continued to evolve over this whole time. Like some, some, one of my friends is like, oh, you know, your higher power can have a sense of humor. You know, your higher power can have all these, like whatever characteristics work for you. Um, so it's like, oh yeah, cause, and now I find myself being like, oh, that's hilarious. God, you know, like good one. Like, like when ironic things tend to happen. Um, so for example, today, um, I did a meditation, uh, class today. And, um, that teacher, uh, said something that reminded me of something that I hear, um, it's in AA and, uh, he said, you, uh, I can, I can, uh, point you in the right direction, but that's all I can do. And that's really all that anyone can do for anyone. There's nothing anyone can do for anyone else other than point you in the right direction. And I feel that, um, that's really true. Um, and from me, the experience has been like the work isn't that hard it's work, but it's not that hard. It's just a matter of doing it. Like no one is going to do spiritual practice for me. I have to do it for myself. And I consider all. This, sorry. Um, spiritual practice. Um, anyway, um, I'm really grateful that you guys are here and welcome to the people that are new and, um, that's it. Um, okay. Now we will have a short coffee break after which please return promptly to hear our speaker for this evening. Kista. Hi, Kista alcoholic. I don't know why I think that's funny that somebody's alarm is going off. White Ford. Oh, congratulations to the chip takers and birth. Days. Very cool. Um, thanks for having me out here. I came by here a few weeks ago and, um, let's do a little drive by checking out the scene. And I, since it's mostly women here tonight, I think it's safe to say that a lot of the guys stayed home to watch football. Probably. Um, understandably I, um, trying to think clearly with that noise in the background. What it was like, um, there you go. The solution shut the door. Imagine that. Wow. We usually like to do stuff the hard way. Um, I, um, we were just talking about how like serenity, Sam is to say that, um, you know, you fall out of the womb, you crawl across hostile territory and fall into like a grave. Like that's, that's just basically life. Sounds. Glossy. Glossy. Um, and since I have so much time to share, I can tell you about coming out of the womb. Um, I, my mother was on probation, uh, 19 years old out of a women's detention center for shooting and killing her first husband. And my father was in a marriage and, um, already had a kid and, uh, got my mom pregnant. They met at a diner. And so I came out of the womb under high anxiety, I'm sure. Um, it was a bit of a nervous situation. Um, I wish I could tell you my mother's story. Hers is much more interesting than mine, but she's not an alcoholic, believe it or not. Um, she sure loves alcoholics and drug addicts and criminals. Uh, my father's not an alcoholic. Um, I, um, I'm one of those. I think I just have it. I have it. I feel like it's in my genes. You know, somehow that was what I'm wired with alcoholism, alcoholic thinking. Uh, there is alcoholism, um, on my father's side, uh, and also mental illness, uh, schizophrenia, depression, bipolar, and that, that kind of thing. Um, and I happened so far right now I have the alcoholism. We'll see what happens down the road. I, um, I'm from the East coast. I might not sound like it, but I'll get to that as to why I probably don't have alcoholism. Um, so yeah, um, and, uh, and, uh, I'm don't have an east coast accent and um i grew up uh in a not the greatest situation but i've also come to learn you know i that's that's not why i'm an alcoholic i uh grew up with a mother who like been married many times and moving was her solution uh you know by the time i was like 21 we moved like 35 times it was that kind of geographic in the middle of the night you know leave behind stuff it was that that kind of um nervous household um and so what i did um is you know at age 10 i pulled my first geographic i ran away from mom to go live with dad and um this was a good thing uh i got structured there it was a completely different household than what i was in uh it was it was completely different uh structured you know uh keeping an eye you know had lots of rules um actually to the extreme but that's probably for like a whole nother different kind of meeting my stepmother was an untreated al-anon that was very controlling you know it couldn't like sit on the bed you know because it would wrinkle the dust ruffle you know that kind of stuff but with that said um i started to do okay finally you know i i always tell the story that i'm a shy girl i was the shy girl i'm an artist i'm a creative person um home alone in my room you know listening to music and drawing was that was my world and um i started to come out of my shell and i started to do things like join clubs and the own sports teams you know ran track for a year and honor roll and i was in the theater club and um just as my my parents were growing me to you know finally get out in the world and maybe stay on the course of you know decent life um i at age 14 you know took the drink as it was being passed around under the boardwalk and that was it i never looked back i didn't i dropped out of every club i never participated in that kind of stuff um i went to like three different high schools i went to 11 different schools actually uh three of them were high schools i'm surprised i actually even um it was just by the skin of my teeth uh just became uninterested once i started drinking and i think i started drinking i'm assuming it was like other peers i don't know you know you drink on weekends smoke cigarettes you know and you think you're hiding it from your parents but your parents obviously know um i got in trouble you know i'm grounded i was pretty much grounded you know from for most of my uh junior years um and then i of course had to make a move to another geographic and get out of the place where there were lots of rules and i went and lived with my mother and my mom um she uh she's kind of a free spirit so there weren't any rules the only rules was you know if you're gonna drink don't drive that was her that was the only thing she said you know i don't want to hear about it on you she didn't want to you know whatever she was going out and doing her own thing um so i did manage to actually get out of high school barely and i went where you know a person like me the shy introverted artistic person you know where you should go you should go to art school and that's what i did i went to art school and um it was uh uh where i flourished you know it was the place where i was finally doing something i was really good at and you know got good grades and i could do really well and my drinking um also flourished there but i'm also a control freak though you know i've learned that already i will not drink during class you know even though some people you know get high and drink you know during their studies i couldn't do that and um i was even that person like even in the workplace i can't i can't do both i know i'm not that talented so i'd have to hold off on the drinking and you know other stuff while i'm while i'm trying to be productive um i right away out of art school i um and i will share the story of this you know being the shy girl uh drinking helped me to not be so shy and i think actually a lot of that was actually you know between the ears you know in my mind i was like ah it gave me some relief on that that pundage of self you know i thought a lot about what you were thinking of me i was so consumed and worried about what you were thinking of me i hadn't realized until i came into alcoholics anonymous how much that dictated how i lived in this world the bondage of self and so i um i you know became the nine to five you know girl and i um was a happy hour girl and happy hour was never an hour um i quickly became uh you know pretty efficient and i knew that i was no ride share because i knew i was closing down the bar you know i would meet you there because i knew i was going to be one of the last ones to leave and you're going to you know i just it was just the way that it was it was just something i accepted about myself and um hangovers lots and lots of hangovers the worst hangovers was a puker straight out of the gate never stopped me i never once thought that was weird or odd or didn't ask if anybody else was puking and it was just something i'm surprised to have any teeth left in my head um i um and it's kind of funny now because i uh had so much i have so much experience and strength of puking that um there are things that i do now that causes me to to throw up and um i'm i'm okay with it you know it's kind of funny people oh my god i can't believe you that you're going through that i'm like you don't know the story you know i'll get to that um so i um i was drinking you know like amy mentioned you know the depression and drinking you know like which which one came it's crying a river i'm depressed and sad you know what you know that whole like oh i hate life but i'm also you know drinking every day i wasn't in every i wasn't in everyday drinking i'm drinking every weekend and um or you know a couple times during the week um not doing work but of course i'm hung over you know i'll probably raked of booze and stuff like that you know throwing up in the garbage cans at work and i worked in the art department so you know i was hung over with the dozen of it you know we all kind of covered for each other that's how sick it was you know and we would take naps at our desk and wake each other up um but i was you know my mother had already made another geographic uh she had moved to texas and i um was whining on the phone to her about being depressed i hadn't really in hindsight i had nothing to be depressed about i was like on my fourth promotion you know out of art school in this you know corporation doing okay you know i had my own apartment you know i'm still in my early 20s you have a car i'm making payments on you know it's not like i'm broke um i don't know which boyfriend was in my life at that time um but i was just telling her you know i felt depressed and all this stuff and my mother you know she knows the solution for that and she said move that's what you do you move and she said um move here you know you can come here and if you don't like it then you can leave and i was like okay so i uh packed whatever i could fit in my car and i went to texas from pennsylvania and it was a little bit of a culture shock it was a little different um they do things bigger and better there they they can they can have bragging rights on that they really can um and it was the end of the 80s early 90s you know and it was um the the party got bigger it's basically the drinking got bigger the the drinking spells got longer um my mom's the good little i'm gonna diagnose her alan on and i'm sure she's got some other stuff but um her house was party central you know and um we didn't even have like complete set of furniture it was like day beds in the living room so it was always like 10 people crashed out you know in her house and she just let it go on because she was doing her own partying and um it was fun uh my sister was there already at this time um we had some great times and uh tons of photos to show for that and um i um you know when i moved there it was it was a different world too you know i went from like pennsylvania you know you're dressed like a dead head even though i wasn't really a deadhead fan you know and cut all shorts and flip-flops and it was like put on the high heels and the short skirts you know and they got the perfume you know that you paid for in the bathroom and it was a different world but i did find my dive bar uh there um i'm a dive bar girl i love dive bars this shy girl likes to sit on that stool for 12 hours at a time and uh just drink and drink and drink and drink and i i guess i was there to talk to people i don't you know i don't remember i yeah i guess i struck up conversations with the other alcoholics who were there to do the same thing basically you know we would sit and you know argue over what was on the television um i um in texas um i uh the the party came to a halt let's just say i was only there for two years and um my mother's divorcee friends had also followed her there so she had her best you know running buddies there and and their kids followed you know her mother's there so we had this pennsylvania contingent that had all moved to texas to dallas and um and i tell you that because uh one night i was out um with my my mom's best friend's daughter who we also went to high school with denise and this guy terry who's an ex-boyfriend of my sisters and uh the guy um another guy who i went to art school with so it was like family you know even though we were all friends it was his family and um we were driving and this was a particular night that we weren't partying like we usually do you know and you know how you've you've done that before you've gotten in a car and you're like but i didn't drink as much as i did you know there's nothing to fear you know we're not throwing it down like we usually do and um we got into a vehicle that didn't have a top on it and the back seat was not attached you know real smart decisions um and um we got hit in an intersection and it flipped the vehicles down near the grassy knoll for any of you uh buffs history buffs and um we uh in a part of town we wouldn't normally be in and um we got hit and it flipped the vehicle and uh you know prior to this happening we're good little drinkers and we were planning for the next day drinking and we stopped and got a case of beer because we were going to go to a music festival so we had a case of beer in the vehicle so you can imagine when the vehicle flipped and the beer went everywhere you know it looked like we were partying like we normally do um we were all under the influence uh and um not quite sure about the guy who hit us because they didn't test him because of what it looked like with our vehicle it said in the police report that he looked like an upstanding citizen was how they said about that but needless to say the two in the front were dragged with the vehicle denise and terry and to their death and they died in that accident and i was thrown with the seat along with the guy sitting next to me we were thrown out of the vehicle and um hit my head and the guy my friend rob escaped with no injuries he just like crawled away before the you know seat landed on him um and so um um then sets up you know for the next from there till now um i um i was laid up for a year i had a closed head injury um blood clot lost my hearing my sense of taste and smell and the mo the biggest thing is memory memory stuff and um i couldn't uh remember i couldn't form a sentence i actually couldn't speak like i am now so i'm grateful that i could even do this um i um my sister had to quit caution have to she quit college to move home and take care of me because i couldn't drive anywhere because i couldn't i didn't know where i was going and plus they also didn't know what was going to happen to me i was in induced coma for a while and they didn't know you know with a brain injury like that and a blood clot they don't know uh i guess you know i guess your head can explode at any time it's being kind of dramatic but so i was um this was also my first exposure to um uh psychiatry you know to therapy uh anything like that i um when i got out of the hospital and i was sent to a therapist and also like on antidepressant you had a post-traumatic stress disorder and so that whole year that i was at my mom's and not drinking was the first time i had not had a drink since i was 14 and this was a you know i was in my twenties and um you know i didn't know anything about alcoholism i didn't know what that was but in looking back now i was a dry drunk for that year i was on top of this post-traumatic stress you know that had happened and i um i was pretty much going crazy i was going insane you know i didn't have the tools to deal with this and therapy wasn't doing it even went to grief recovery a few times and you know it's just not the tools to deal with alcoholism you know as I know it today the kind of thinking that we have and obsessiveness and self-loathing and fear you know run by all that stuff so I did what we do you know the decision was made that I was going to start drinking again and I did I started drinking again a year later after that accident either was told not to because I could have a seizure but you know when you're an alcoholic I don't know if you you know if you ever got sick or you you know you knew that alcohol could probably make you worse that usually is like a you know so a sidebar for us you know like oh you know it's not that really bad can happen you know we're mixing medications and all that stuff with alcohol we're good experiments in that way I guess even though it says usually on the prescriptions you know do not drink with this so I started drinking and found that dive bar that I had left a year prior it was right back on that same seat doing the same thing and this is how I got to California I met a man in that bar and he said I'm moving back to California do you want to go and I said sure I don't have anything else going on so that's how I got to California and that was 21 years ago we were good drinking buddies I wasn't working and he only had to work one day a week and we just drank and drank and drank and ate bad food it was perfect it was a perfect it was a good match it was a love story anyhow you know so what happened is just incomprehensible demoralization you know just worse and worse for me it wasn't it wasn't fun anymore and I you know Leah's say that relationship only lasted a few years but after the earthquake actually that got shook up this I'll tell you the earthquake story you know because everybody sell it you know they'll say celebrating earthquake people are talking about you know the earthquake in 94 we were in an area where it affected us our house moved like one foot south where in most Philis on Alexandria and we had the whole house moved and the people next doors were you know stuck inside and we had to break down the door to get him out you know and all the stuff and it was you know dark and the house was all crooked you know it was just awful and that's kind of how I got some and my boyfriend was turned into a little wimp as he was just like all freaking out and i'm like you need to drink a beer now like you were driving me nuts and um you know it's what five o'clock in the morning or whatever and so and yes we did just have a near-death experience we were on the second floor and i really thought i was gonna die because we were moving around with the house but um we proceeded to drink for two weeks straight uh after that incident and just and like there was like no interruption i think we stopped to eat but we were drinking so hard and we would we would drink at people's houses and then we'd go to this dive bar that we loved and it was just one big long drink fest so so much so that my employer had to call and say when are you coming back to work not even thinking you know it was like who was party we almost died you know it's just like that shows you also our friends that i was running with at the time um so you know let's you know get to what happened um what happened is um you know i was in uh therapy uh one more time and this time it was over a boy and i didn't know you know what was wrong with him and wrong with me and all this stuff and at this time i had also mixed in the marching group and it was about this event at the time i was at the police station and like oh my god i could i was in danger because i had been in danger for so long i could just be inside and i couldn't breathe so i kept on going i would even try to drink for a few minutes and i would try to tell her that i could you know drink for 24 hour shifts and um and i would tell her i would be talking to her you know about my woes and she would say were you drinking when you did that or and she bless her heart she did it for six months before the light bulb went off she were you drinking when that happened i was like yeah and i never stopped to say why do you keep asking me that question i just kept talking about myself and my problems and you know how you gonna help me and then um i don't know what happened one day the light bulb went off and i was i phone books we used to use phone books and i this is 1997 is when i got sober and i pulled out the phone book looked up alcoholics anonymous and i called i was not hanging out with any sober people um it was yeah i don't i don't i don't know where that came from i did have a boss like a few years prior to that who had gotten sober and it was also a disconnection because he he had i work in the printing industry and he had x i'm not going to say accidentally he had cut his fingers off in the cutter drunk and that's kind of almost impossible to do because the cutters are set up they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not where that's not supposed to happen you know there's safety features in there so somehow he got his fingers in there and cut his fingers off drunk and when he came back to work he had gotten sober and he would sit around and read the big book and in front of me and i didn't i didn't ask what he was i was like wow you know you just don't like you're in denial the blinders go up i was like what that dude is doing but i'm doing lines and you know in the bathroom like i can't i can't see this um but somehow i knew that that's what he was doing you know um so anyhow i uh i started going to meetings in august of 97 and i um i i didn't quit right away i was just checking it out you know sitting in the back with my arms crossed and not saying anything the typical newcomer stuff and then i um came across uh some people that really gave me the push and i think it was a godson how long did i go to 755 okay and so um what happened is i had come across these guys um when i had to sit around to wait for my vehicle to be ready and um they turned out to be sober and they had my ear for like four hours telling me how their life had changed and i was like oh my god i have if i don't do it now i'm not going to get this message again and i didn't even have a belief you know in the higher power that was that was still a weird concept not not necessarily a weird concept to me I just hadn't developed that spiritual muscle yet so I um I stopped drinking and using in September and I picked October 1st as my sobriety date because I prefer October because I like to control and enjoy my sobriety date and um I got sober right when Diana Princess Diana died um so what's it been like since then um 16 years later it is uh it's different you know what's different I I got the tools to learn how to live I have a living problem I have a thinking problem um obsessive thinker I can obsessive think hangover you know how it is you can't you can't sleep and then you wake up tired and that is all from your brain I think that's why they say we're so smart because we can actually do that you know with our brains we get if you focus you get us focused on something we are get real productive you know you got to give us something to do you can't be bored you can't be idle alcoholics have to work that's my theory you have to have something to do if you're not working you have to be volunteering you know because our brain I think we are rocket scientists probably all by nature but sometimes we're just not that focused we like to go obsess on the small thing you know over there what's he doing how come he's not paying attention to me and I don't even like him that's my one that's my pattern I want you to like me even though I don't like you that's that's what I'm dealing with today with the sister program I when I when I came in I I had a woman come up to me in in like my first 30 days and she said do you have a sponsor and I said what's that and she said that's me so I said okay and I'm glad it worked out that way because you know how we can think about that you know little action asking for help and she was great she was like the sponsor that I have now she she we met once a week and we went through the boat page by page paragraph by paragraph and it was a great thing um i did uh it turned out before thing that i think the reason she did that is because she had relapsed and she had told anybody yet so she was trying to save herself which came out later and so i was exposed to some of her insanity that was going on and she had me covering all her commitments it wasn't good for her but it worked for me all of a sudden i had extra commitments i was just like oh and then i was also a little pissed like there's something not right about this i'm always covering for her you know i was just like this is a little weird so the the truth came out and so um you know what what is you know i what i also learned was shy is a character defect it means i'm thinking way too much about what you think of me shy is different from being an introvert you know i am an introvert that's a completely different ball game than being shy shy is something that can can be changed and um the program is set up for people like me uh who you know are too worried about what you think of me it's like just get up there and read who cares you know i don't read well especially when i came in i was so uh full of fear even reading you know is difficult so i you know what i did i went to a book study for five years straight and you know learn how to read in public without break it into a sweat you know i mean that's where my self-centered fear goes and um and then you also taught me to keep things into perspective you know the guy next to me you know he would he was a stutter in at a book study and it would take him a really long time just to get through a paragraph and i'm like what is my problem i'm way overthinking this um you know so i just learned really uh quickly and i still do the same things today about taking commitments i'm one of those uh alcoholics that i have to take commitment i have to be involved i had to sit close because my brain likes to take a trip you know and think about like oh my god look at those shoes she's wearing and oh my god he's with her you know so i have to uh stay involved um on a service level like that and um also most of my friends are also um sober you know members of alcoholics anonymous uh the program was set up you know the whole fellowship a friend you know like the stuff that we have to learn the basic stuff calling calling and asking for help it took me a while to actually get that one i don't think i even knew how to communicate you know when there was a problem or if i needed to talk to someone it took me a few years i think i talked to my sponsor more now than i did probably when i was new um i you know i work with other women and and the good thing about going through the book is i know i have a book to you know i don't have to make stuff up or you know pull it out of the hat you know i just like here we have this book we could both read this book together and learn about alcoholism and it gives me the tools to you know get through this life in which i'm so sensitive uh you know about um you know 16 years later it's um it's kind of funny i'm in the sea i'm in the same apartment i did move out though and then i moved back you know i think all those years of moving as a kid you know or something i don't know i've stayed in one place i think that's probably also helped in my sobriety you know they say not to change things well i'm really taking it like don't change things you know i'm in the i'm in the same place um today i um you know if my my friends who knew me then when they meet me now or you know see me now and they know the person that i have become they actually don't know like they're just in shock that you know i'm just a different person the fact that i can actually stand up here and have a you know talk with you and share with you um is not the person that they knew and i'm not you know drunk you know who's you know stumbling or you know pissing somebody off um you know this the spiritual aspect of the program was um was was easy for me i i didn't have a you know a religious background so i think it i didn't have a fight you know that's what people come in with a fight with that i um i was open to it i was I was really, I think I was so beaten down. You know, I want, I wanted what you had. I wanted, I wanted, you know, your spiritual journey. I wanted your God. I wanted to feel that. And I wanted to give it over to something that would take care of it. Cause that's actually a prayer. The prayer that I use now is a pretty straightforward. Um, that is just like, you know, God, please take this. I can't handle it. You know what I mean? Like I have to do that several times during the day to get to that point. Uh, I have only a few minutes left. I'll wrap it up with, um, I, I mean, I like to share that, um, you know, if you're new, uh, you know, stick around long enough to just, you know, see what's in store for you. Cause things can, you know, people do amazing things. People stick around and it's, and I see amazing things. It could be that like, you know, you're become, you know, the best mother that you could ever be, or, you know, go back to school, you know, people change careers, you know, get married, have kids, they do the life stuff. And they also do big things. You know, they travel like the, you know, you just find your passion. Um, for me, when I, um, I was a smoker until about seven years in and, um, I hated to exercise and, um, I think sneakers are ugly, you know, and I don't like to sweat. And, um, you know, anytime somebody would ask me to go for a hug, I would say, I would say, I would say, I would say, I would say, I'd be like, yeah, you take a hike. Cause no. And, um, I just was not down with exercise until about 10 years ago, a sober woman said, will you start walking with me? And I was like, okay. Cause we were both complaining about how our asses were getting wider. And, um, she's like only 30 minutes, 30 minutes, just 30 minutes. So, uh, we started walking together. And I was like, okay, I'm going to go for a hug. And she was like, okay, and I, you know, 30 minutes, five days a week. And I think why I was ready to do that. I had learned in the program that you show up for a meeting, you know, I've been going to a lot of the same meetings for 16 years. You know, you get consistent, you know, you're accountable. And when she said, okay, we're only going to be together for 30 minutes, five days a week. That's all you got to do. And there would be times when I calling out, I was up late. I can't make it. And she's like, see you at noon. And she'd slam the phone down. I'm like, oh my God. Um, well, what that did is, going up for her for six months, it sent me, um, on a journey that, um, is unrecognizable to, uh, to, uh, if you, if you knew me then, and you know me now, um, I, uh, started training for a marathon with her. And, um, it was such a weird flip for me that my family didn't believe it. They, you know, they're back East, they're all making phone calls. No, no, no, no, no. It can't be Kista. Kista doesn't like to get off the couch. It's not her. It's her sister. No, no, no. It's not her. No, you got the wrong one. You got the wrong one. It was actually like four of us. Nope. Got the wrong one. Um, and it turns out it was me. And so, um, since then, um, what that's where I have found my passion, you know, and, uh, not the great money, you know, not the, you know, not been slipped off my feet yet. Uh, that kind of stuff. But what I have found is, um, through exercise, uh, it helps with my depressive thinking, you know, just, just walking that's become my medicine. Um, and people, you know, I've had people make comments, you know, oh, you're doing that alcoholically. And I'm like, actually, no, I wouldn't be in this meeting for you to say that to me. If I was doing it alcoholically, you know, some of my commitments and some of my meetings, I still have a job, you know, still show up for people. If I, if it was alcoholically, you would never see me, you know? It'd be like hiding out in the dark bar, but I'd be hiding out running all the time. Um, and that has actually opened up my, you know, my world. I've got to participate in, in, uh, like one of the hardest, uh, running events in the world because of this, you know, what happened to me 10 years ago, because I went for a walk for 30 minutes a day. Um, you know, I'm getting ready to train for another a hundred miler in, a couple of weeks if my knee doesn't stop hurting. Um, but anyhow, so it's, um, uh, you know, for the, for, if you're new, um, you know, for me, I just did what you told me to do. I trusted you. Uh, you know, we're not asking you to give your salary over. We're not asking you to shave your head or, you know, or sell your house and move closer to the meeting. You know, we're not asking you to do anything. Um, but just to, um, you know, watch us walk with us in, and we will share with you on how we get through, uh, this heavy thing. The life in session can be really, really, um, daunting for us sometimes, but the longer you're in it, the longer you're sober, it just becomes like no big deals, you know, no big deals. We'd like to make big deals, you know, that's, I think we get our kicks that way sometimes, but, um, it's no big deals and it just becomes a beautiful journey to walk together. So that's it. Thanks.