Showed Up Ten Minutes Late to Skip How It Works, Left Ten Minutes Early to Dodge Burning Desire — About Forty Minutes of AA 😅 – Tom P.

Hey, everybody. My name is Tom Pick, and I am a recovered alcoholic. I think I can legally tell my sponsor that I wore a jacket. It is hot up here. First of all, I'd like to thank Joe and Rich and Lisa and my dear friend Charlie Parker and anybody else who had anything to do with getting me here. I am so grateful to be here. I'm really excited to be speaking at La Hacienda. I was a patient here five years ago. I was here in April and May of 2005. My sobriety date is in June of 2005, so you guys kind of do the math there. I didn't do a couple things I was supposed to do when I first got out, but I got straightened out pretty quick. I first came to Alcoholics. I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1987. I was 23 years old. I was at the tail end of just the biggest losing streak you can imagine. I mean, nothing was working. I wanted to quit drinking for, I think it was like two years before that, and I couldn't. I tried pills. I tried lots of pills. I tried drugs. I went like four days without alcohol one time on my own, and it was just tough. I was living in Austin, Texas, and I don't know about anybody else, but I don't think you can get sober in Austin, Texas. I think you can return to Austin, Texas sober. I'm not so sure about getting sober there. I had worked in some of the hospitals there, Schull Creek, CPC, and places like that, and so it was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... It was just... It was just too weird to check into a place where all my friends work, so I just didn't do it. I had to go to Chicago to go to this treatment center where I grew up, and I went up there. I did 29, 30 days. I got out on my 23rd birthday. I flew back to Austin, and I had a set of instructions. You know, go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor. Get people's phone numbers. Make friends. Make coffee. Pick up chairs. Get involved. I mean, all the stuff that you might expect someone would be told their first few days in sobriety, and so I went to a meeting my first full day out, and I loved it. I loved it. You know, it was in Austin, and the people were just... They were wonderful. They were friendly. You know, a lot of them gave me their phone number, told me to call them if I needed anything, if I felt like drinking. I could call them. They told me to keep coming back. I went back the next day, saw the same people. They were acting the same way. You know, the meetings I was going to were pretty much a discussion format, and I'm telling you, man, the first couple years of these meetings were pretty interesting. I mean, people were saying some pretty wild stuff, and I could compare myself to other people and come out looking pretty good. I... laughter laughter laughter Still can. laughter I'd gotten a sponsor, and the emphasis that was placed on what I was to do was to attend a lot of meetings. If I keep myself busy, keep myself off the streets, keep myself in meetings, I wouldn't get drunk. I had a close friend tell me that he had never seen anybody get drunk that had said the third step prayer that day. So I started saying the third step prayer from that day forward. I did it every day for a long, long time. And so that was kind of the program I was working. Attend meetings, say the third step prayer, and, you know, hope for the best. I'd gotten a sponsor. We did some kind of version of the steps. You know, I think it involved a lot of guides and pamphlets and stuff that he made up and stuff that his sponsor might have made. laughter and applause from the audience. And, you know, and I'm, I mean, I, this guy meant the very, very best for me. I mean, he loved me. He wanted me sober. He wanted to help me. And he did what was done with him, which is kind of like what we, you know, what we tell each other we're supposed to do. And so, but the results I was getting weren't very good. And, you know, I'll tell you about step two in a few minutes. But, you know, I was trying to. I was trying to do the steps, and I'd done a four-step, and it was like, I don't know, 50 or 60 pages. And it was just, it was just, it was just crazy. And I wasn't getting anything out of it. And so I, you know, I continued to attend meetings, and the years started to fall by. And, you know, all the people that were staying sober three, four, five, ten years were, it seemed like they were spending a lot of time working on themselves. And so I tried working on myself. And, you know, I was trying to do the steps. And I was trying to do the steps. I mean, if I could work on myself, I wouldn't need Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I was working on myself, and nothing's happening, and I'm getting worse, and I'm getting, I'm starting to just kind of fall apart in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm dying in the rooms of AA. I'm miserable. I'm depressed. I'm angry. My wife could get up and tell this part of the story a little more honestly than I could. But it was just tough. And I remember I had, I think I had about 15 years sober, and I was in a meeting. It was a discussion meeting. I don't know what the topic was. It doesn't really matter. But we were sitting in a circle, and the chairperson was just kind of calling on people. And you guys that have, you know, a bunch of years of sobriety, you know you're going to get called on. You can't hide in those meetings. They're going to call on you because they think you've got something to say. And I didn't. And I wasn't. I hadn't prepared. I hadn't prepared my act in case I was called on. So I, you know, and I got called on. And so I'm like, well, maybe I'll just tell the truth. And I said my name. I'm an alcoholic. And I said, you know, I don't want to freak anybody out or scare any new people. But, you know, I've been sober 15 years, and I feel like I'm on this path where I'm going to drink again. And I don't think it's going to be today. I don't think it's going to be tomorrow. I don't think it's going to be this week. I don't think it's going to be this month. And it might not even be this year. But I'm on this track. And I can't derail it. I don't know what to do. And they all came up after the meeting and told me they loved me and told me they were glad that I shared, you know, where I was at. And, you know, it helped them. And they gave me some advice. They, you know, suggested that maybe I start showing up to the meetings on time. Because at this point, I'd already learned to show up 10 minutes late, so I wouldn't have to listen to how it works for the 10,000. And then, I don't know about where you guys go to meetings, but we had this little thing at the end of the meetings called Burning Desire. So I would leave 10 minutes early. Because I couldn't take that anymore. And so I was getting about 40 minutes of meeting time, coming late, leaving early. So they're telling me, well, come on time, set up coffee, get involved, stay late, pick up chairs, help out, double up on your meetings. And at this point, I'm going about three or four meetings. See, I've gotten it drilled into my head that if I quit going to meetings, I'm going to get drunk. And everybody that I ever saw get drunk with any length of time had quit going to meetings first. So I thought, well, no matter what, I'll just never quit going to meetings. And so I'm still going to three or four a week, and it's tough, and I just don't like the meetings. And so when I heard that, you know, double up on your meetings, I'm thinking, you know, if that's the answer to this problem, I'm just, I'm dead. I'm just going to die because I can't do any more than I'm doing. I am maxed out. And I left there pretty scared that day and pretty rattled. And I got over it. And a couple years later, I had 17 years sober. And the thought of drinking came into my head. And I started remembering all the stuff that I was told to do if that ever were to happen. You know, think through the drink. Think through its logical conclusion. And if I think about all the trouble I'll get into, then I can scare myself into not drinking and stay sober. I can make a decision not to drink. And so I started thinking about all the stuff that happened during the mid-'80s when things really hit the fan. And I thought about, you know, the jail and all that other stuff. And then I started thinking about all the stuff that I had to lose at that point in time if I were to drink. Right. My business, my wife, my kid, my family, all my friends in AA, my sobriety date, which was sometimes the only thing I had to cling to. I just had a whole bunch of stuff to lose. And the choice was really, you know, pretty obvious. Don't drink. And I'll bet you within an hour, I was drinking. So I'm a little freaked out because I'm like, well, how come that stuff? It didn't work. How come thinking through the drink didn't work? And the truth is, is that I chose not to drink, and I drank anyway. And it's like, why would a guy who was 17 years sober, still going to three or four meetings a week, talks to people in AA every day, married an AA girl, works with a few guys in the office who are in AA? I mean, it's just AA, AA, AA. Why would a guy like that drink? And I couldn't figure it out. I really couldn't. I tried to get sober again. I tried going back to my sponsor and my home group, and I couldn't get sober. I mean, the best directions I got were, you know, go to a couple meetings a day and don't drink no matter what. I didn't have the ability to don't drink no matter what anymore. Maybe I had that when I was a kid. I really, I think I lost that when I was like 12. Seriously, I, you know, because of my alcoholism, I spent a total of 36 months. And, well, back in the 70s and 80s, remember when we were bad kids, they'd send us away to these boarding schools. But you'd look in the, you'd walk down in the administration building of these schools, and you'd see signs that says, this is a, you know, an accredited hospital. Those, those are the boarding schools that I went to. And between the age of 14 and 18, I'd spent 36 months in these places, misdiagnosed. You know, he's got depression. He. You know, his, his life is so bad because, you know, because, because my mom's an alcoholic. Or they thought I was messed up because I skipped second grade, and that was very traumatic for me. Or, you know, or maybe because my, you know, because my dad put me on the toilet seat backwards. I mean, you know, God only knows, you know, why, why Tom Pick is so screwed up. But, but I was. And, and, and you talk about spiritual sickness and, and, and being a dry drunk. You know, 16, 18 months in these places was, was just the most miserable experience I ever had in my life. You know, the, the, the counselors would, would tell my dad, well, you know, Mr. Pick, he's, you know, he's pretty well behaved. We don't have much of a management problem from him, but he's just not getting better like the other kids. You know, and I, I'd have to sit around and talk and group and do all this stuff. And, and, and, and the truth was, is that I just wanted a drink. I mean, I, I thought about it a lot, and I was just, I was. Restless, irritable, and discontented. I just didn't understand that that was the problem. And, and so I've, I've had, I've had, you know, the best therapy, the best psychiatrist, the best hospitals that, that money can buy. And, and here I was, 23 years old, just a, just a broken cookie. And, and, you know, and I, and I carried that with me through this, that period of sobriety for, for 17 years. I spent 17 years looking for the acceptance button. I mean, that's, that was supposed to be the, the. The answer to all my problems. And I, I couldn't find it. I couldn't, I couldn't figure out how to acceptance. I, I just, I, I couldn't, I couldn't get a handle on it. I'm, I'm not accepting anything. I'm, I'm fighting everything. And, and, and I'm so worn out after 15 years of, of not drinking and, and, and fighting that I'm, I'm just, I'm, I'm ready to, to just explode. So I, I tried to get sober. Didn't work. I'm not going to go into all the details. But I. I ended up here at La Hacienda and, you know, this is, the, this, this place is, it, it's very, very special in my heart. This is where I learned about the big book. Okay. I learned of the big book 20 years ago, but I, I learned about it here and I was, I wasn't in good shape when I, when I got here. I stayed up in that ICU or SCU for like eight days in scrubs and it's not because they were afraid I was going to run away. It's just that. That's all that could get on me. And, and then I, I remember I was maybe here three, four, five days and they, they put me in a golf cart and drove me up to the, the bodega and, and they sit me down in one of the soft chairs. And, and this, this guy walks up to me, this, this Chris and, you know, he, he walks up and introduces himself to me. Everybody's just kind of getting coffee and getting settled and he's like, you know, hey, my name's, my name's Chris R. and I, I do a little, little big book talk here. And you don't like it. You look like you're doing so well. If, you know, if you fall asleep, that's fine. I'm, I'm used to it. You know, just, just don't worry about it. If you want some coffee while I'm talking, just get up and go get some. If, if you got to go back to your bed, let me know. I'll call them to come up and get you. And, and, and I'm thinking, man, what a, what a, a nice, gentle, demure guy. And then, and then he gets up and he starts talking and he's, and he's reading out of the big book. And I, I know this because he told me he's, he's reading out of the big book. And, and, and he's, and he's talking about step one. And, and, and, and some, some questions are starting to get answered. You know, like the big question, why did the guy with 17 years, why wasn't he able to think through the drink? And, and, and you couldn't tell by looking at me that, that this stuff is soaking in because I'm, my eyes are closed, but I'm, I'm listening. And, and, and I'm just thinking, man, when, when my eyes. to work again, I've got to get a big book. I've got to see where this stuff is, because I just, I didn't have experience looking at the big book. I, when I was in treatment in 87, I read some of the stories because I was bored to death, and, and that was it. Once in a while we might go to a, have a big book study at the old home group and, you know, someone would read a paragraph and then share about their day. You know, well, you know, I, I love this Bill story. I, you know, my brother-in-law was a stockbroker, and he gave me a stock tip, and that, you know, it's just any, any, anything you can think of to identify with the big book, right? You know, Bill, Bill Wilson was a stockbroker, okay. And so, you know, those were, those were the big book studies. I didn't, I didn't know what the book meant. I, I'd never had it explained to me, and so I'm hearing stuff, and, and, and things are changed in my head. I came in here thinking that I'm just going to do 30 days, I'm going to go home and die. I didn't think I was going to get sober. I really didn't. I, I thought I could probably tough it out here for a month, and then I'd go home and, and last about two or three days, and then just, just off to the races. I, I really didn't think I was going to make it. So I, I got a lot of, lot of education here. You know, I've benefited from, from his experience and knowledge. I've benefited from, from, from the counselors who talk about the big book, to, to the housekeepers that talk about the big book, to the people working in the store that talk about the big book, and, and if, and if someone leaves La Hacienda not knowing what to do, they just, they just didn't pay attention, because it's, it's all over the place here. And, and I knew exactly what I needed to do, and when I, when I left, I, I, I got a sponsor. I, I started going to the primary purpose group up in Dallas, and I got a sponsor that first night, and I had a lot of ideas about, about what it meant to, to, to work the steps that, that kind of had to get smashed a little bit. We, after the meeting that night, I, I asked him to be my sponsor, and, and, and he took me into this, this little room in the church where we meet, and, and, and he took me through steps one, two, and three, and it didn't take that long to, to take me through it, because I, you know, I paid pretty good attention when I was here. And, and we did a third step prayer, and then he, he told me I had to do my fourth step, and he gave me a few days to do it, and I, I didn't think I could do it. I mean, my, my experience was, I don't, I didn't think I could do four steps, except once, and, and that was enough. But, but he, but he taught me, you know, the, the template out of the big book, how to do this thing, and so I decided, well, you know, to heck with it. I'm, I'm going to give this a try. I'm going to, I'm going to really try this thing and see what happens. And, and so, an hour and a half later, I had my fourth step done. You know, you see, if, if you follow the directions in the big book, it just doesn't take that long. But a lot of people want to say, well, you know, you're rushing people and all this stuff, and it's like, if, if you just follow the direction, you'll like, if, if you just follow the directions, and, and don't, don't add anything to it, it doesn't take that long. So, we, we did this fifth step, and he, he didn't let me hold my fourth step while we were talking. He, he held it. He was afraid that I would sit there and, and, and read it and dive back into myself, and, and, and what he wanted to do is control the pace, which, which I recommend doing when you're listening to fifth steps. And, because I, I can't, you know, I can't do five-hour fifth steps with people. I'm, I'm good for like an hour, and then I'm just, I'm just, you know, thinking about butterflies and dandelions and stuff. He, so we, we got through this fifth step, and he sent me home to, to do six and seven. I know people, and I remember people that are, that are stuck on six and seven. Like, oh my god, step six takes like seven seconds, you know. I got through, you know, six and seven, had, made an A-step list, and, and, I was still pretty young, so the list wasn't that long, and I was also pretty nice. But, but, you know, the, what does it take, 20 minutes to make a list of all persons we've harmed, 30 minutes, including the creditors? You know, it's, 75 minutes including the creditors, I don't know. And if you add the girlfriends, it can add a little time, too, but I, I started making amends, and, and, and, and, and I'm about seven or eight days away from getting my FASA. And I'm about seven or eight days into the step work with this sponsor of mine, and I start making amends, and he tells me in no uncertain terms that I'm going to have to start working with people. And I was like, buddy, I don't think you understand. My hands are still shaking. I mean, I'm still, I'm not right. He says, buddy, you agree that you're going to do everything that this book says, and that's what this book says. And so I think about a week later I had my first guy to work with. I was sober three weeks when I took him on, and I caught the bug. And, you know, there's people under this tent that know exactly what I'm talking about. There's nothing that feels better than taking somebody who's just busted up, hoped to die. What's everybody looking at? Now I know. There's nothing that feels. Nothing that feels better than watching someone get from point A to point B in a matter of days, getting connected to God, experiencing that experience that I've just felt. And it makes you want more. See, I used to think my job in that prior period of AA was not to work with the new guys. Okay, that was for the single guys and the old guys, okay, because I'm young, I'm busy, and I can't take phone calls at 2 in the morning. So my job was to sponsor the guys that had 10 or 15 years whose sponsors had either died or gone back out. So I kind of worked with the orphans. And they're very low maintenance. You know, they don't get into a lot of trouble anymore. And, you know, just every once in a while I got to, you know, play life coach and give advice. And so that was how I convinced myself that I was doing the program was by doing that. And so I had, the truth was, is that I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I mean, I was like one of the biggest phonies anybody could possibly be in Alcoholics Anonymous. I would walk into these meetings thinking that just by sitting in the chair, I'm doing 12-step work. Just so that the new person can see someone sober sitting in the room is like carrying the message. And that's all I had to do. And we all know that. The truth about that, it didn't work very well. But I had fooled myself into thinking that I'm doing okay. And, you know, and I don't know about how you women are, but the men, we kind of had this unwritten, unspoken agreement. You know, you don't confront me on my stuff. I won't confront you on your stuff. And everything will be fine. And so we honored that. I mean, we guarded that. We even had men's meetings about it. It was pretty. Pretty, pretty sick stuff. But I started working with these guys. And I started going to the Salvation Army. And it was an opportunity to get in front of about 50 or 60 guys, all of whom were transitioning from prison and had to do 90 days at the Salvation Army. And they all have to have a sponsor. Okay, so a lot of them were running up to get their little sponsor sheet signed. And what it was for me was it was an opportunity to do. I was doing step work with a bunch of guys. You know, I was doing step work with, I don't know, six, eight, ten people a month. We had nights after the meetings where I was on the tile floor at the Sally doing, you know, third steps with three guys at the same time. You know, I've done a couple of fifth steps with two guys that were roommates and they agreed to do it together. Because there just wasn't time to do it any other time with their schedule. But what happened was is I started to understand this. This fellowship that people were talking about. See, to me, fellowship was going out to Denny's and talking about the people that didn't come with us to Denny's. To me, that was the AA fellowship and it was the picnics and the volleyball and all that stuff. I had no clue that it had everything to do with us having this common solution and going out and practicing it with each other and carrying this solid message out of the big book. And. And we would drive home from these things just just high as a kite. I mean, feeling fantastic because we felt like we had actually kept our part of the deal that we made with God in step three. And if you ever look at the words of the third step prayer, there's there's a lot to that. There's we're making a huge deal with God that if you know you take away my difficulties, I'll do this and this and this and this. And so what I felt like I was doing is I was keeping my part of the bargain. And I finally felt like. I was I was. A member of AA and good standing. I never I never felt like I was a member in good standing. I felt like I was I was a member because I said I was. I felt like I was I was auditing instead of instead of working it. I wasn't there for the grade. I was just there to attend and listen and maybe, you know, say a few funny things to make people like me. But that was that was my experience with with that fellowship. And what I found was was a. Completely different fellowship, something that I never imagined possible. I I always wondered why I was an alcoholic. I was, you know, if if if I can just get to the bottom of this, I can fix it and I'll be OK. And I've I've watched people just just march to their graves trying to figure out what's wrong and trying to fix it. You know, what what was it? Was it my past? Was it my present? Was it, you know? What was it? And when I started taking these steps, I I learned that the problem is, is is this this spiritual sickness? See, I was I was sitting around a trying to have have an intellectual awakening as the result of meeting attendants. And I got I got about as smart as I could possibly get. And, you know, having attended literally at least five thousand meetings. I mean, I wasn't going to be any more intellectually. I was awake, but I was I was missing out on on the real solution. See, I I thought that my problem was emotional. I thought it was psychological for for a while there. I thought it was psychiatric, which means you get to take medicine. And I really thought if I if I treat this stuff, then then I'll be OK. And what I found out that that my problem isn't isn't emotional or psychiatric or psychological or anything. It's it's spiritual in nature. And. And the places I was looking for a solution weren't working because it wasn't a spiritual solution. You can't you can't fix a spiritual problem with with a with a human solution. It just can't be done. You have to have a spiritual solution. You know, I came in, you know, thinking and based on what I'd heard in meetings that that these steps were designed to, you know, turn me into a good boy. Teach me how to kiss and make up with others. Teach me how to play well with others and and all this other stuff. And and so the motivation to take the steps wasn't there because I was of the opinion that I was playing well with others and that I had kissed and made up and that I was behaving myself. And so the the the motivation to to do the step work just it just didn't exist. I was I was sober and in the bad stuff quit happening, which is what I believe the unmanageability was. I thought it was all the trouble I got into. And so when when I got sober and I went home from that hospital in Chicago, I had 30 days or whatever. And I wasn't drinking. There's no bad stuff happening. The bank account is starting to fill up a little bit. And I'm thinking, you know, this is what I came for. The problem has been solved and come to find out that I just I completely missed the point. I didn't understand what step one meant. And I'm not I'm not going to read the big book to you guys. I'm not I think everybody understands, you know, pretty clear that that when we say we're powerless, we're talking about two things. Powerlessness over choice and control. You know, that day that I got drunk. I didn't. I didn't know that I was powerless over choice. I did not know it. I really didn't know it. And I had taught other people that they were they had power over choice. That day that when I needed to choose not to drink and it didn't work, it would have really helped if I had understood that I've got to have a power greater myself because my own power ain't doing it. And I learned that the 12 steps aren't about teaching me how to be a good boy. What they are about is identifying all the stuff. That's blocking me from that power that I have to have. OK, I got to I got to connect, get connected to this power that's great in myself so I can overcome this this lack of power over over alcohol. And I used to try to get power from from the meetings. And if you step back and you look at it logically, you know, think about it. If I'm in a room full of full of people who are all powerless, where's the power? And how do? How do I get it from a room full of powerless people? I mean, if if he doesn't have any power and she doesn't have any power, she doesn't have any. And, you know, if you take all the power in the room and add it up, it adds up to zero. But that's that's where I was looking. I was looking for that, you know, for that for that perfect meeting where the right combination of people would say the right combination of things. And I'd walk out and and feel great. And and, you know, and it could even last like overnight into the next day, you know. And. And then maybe I can make it to another meeting and get that same feeling. And so I'm just kind of playing hopscotch. Guys, look at me now. I could just kind of, you know, play hopscotch trying to find the the right meeting to try to feel good. And it wasn't working. And it wasn't until I started taking these steps and and getting rid of all this stuff that's blocking me from God, the resentment, the fear, the the arrogance, which is almost gone. The the. The dishonesty. I mean, you guys get the deal. All that stuff was blocking me from God. And it's got to get removed. And of course, that comes from from taking the steps. I I didn't understand step nine. I thought step nine was all about, you know, apologizing and just kind of, you know, calming people down. I didn't understand that. That step nine is is is the first time within the confines of the step work that we start to be of service to others where we start. We take these people who have been harmed and we restore them to the condition that we found them in. We're being of service here. We're fixing these people. It's our it's our first selfless act in the step work to to go out and fix these people. You know, it's when when you look at your eight step list and it's pretty daunting. You know, you look especially when you look at the creditors and all the money you owe. And and I used to think, well, I can't make all these amends. And and in fact, if if if I just get to step nine. And I don't move on to ten, eleven and twelve, I probably can't make all those amends. A lot of the power that I got to make these amends came from what I did in in ten, eleven and twelve. And, you know, a lot of people don't understand that you don't have to, you know, finish step nine before you before you get into ten, eleven, twelve. And in the big books, you know, I'm crystal clear on that. It's not page eighty four. You can go look it up. But but basically we're supposed to do ten, eleven, twelve while we're while we're cleaning up the mess. Some amends can never be made. OK. Um. Or, you know, it'll take years and years to make them. So to sort of wait to finish nine to do ten, eleven and twelve can can maybe kill you. And I certainly didn't want to be a part of that. So I started I started the immense process pretty quick. We we had a guy at my old home group who. I'm not going to say his name, you'll you'll understand why in a minute, who habitually came in and and and talked about himself. And. And he talked about his his problems. And and we spent like four months on his cat dying and we spent like a year and a half on on on his his father issues and and all sorts of stuff. And I didn't really know what a was, but I had an idea what it wasn't. And and and we were all gossiping about this guy and just throwing him under the bus. And I went to a sponsor one time and I said, I said, John. You know, so and so's, you know, really like taking up a lot of time and meetings talking about the stuff and the guys are starting to talk and and, you know, he's he's losing respect. And and I said, you know, can you do something about it? He says, well, what would you like me to do? So maybe maybe ask him to just kind of keep it between you and him. And he said, well, I'm I'm the one that told him to to do that. I was like, oh, my God, there's nowhere to go from here. And and not to knock that guy. But but. But a lot of us were taught that stuff, you know, bring your problems to a meeting, you know, bring your bring your butt to a meeting. Even if it falls off, we'll screw it back on and all that other stuff. And the truth is, is is we are not there to fix each other. We can't fix each other. This this guy was looking to us to to get relief and and and we couldn't give it to him. OK, you know, step 10, when when my sponsor and I were going over that stuff and we were looking on page 84 and we're reading it, you know. I will read you a little big book here. We got to this part that says continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear, which is all the stuff we saw in the fourth column of the inventory. When these crop up, the first thing we do is we ask God at once to remove them. The second thing we do is we discuss them with someone immediately. And that means like between zero and five minutes. Call your sponsor. Make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. And those are the instructions for when when life kicks you in the butt. And and and I my sponsor told me that that's what I need to start doing. And I was like, buddy, are you telling me you want me to call you every time I get dishonest or resentful or selfish or afraid? He's like, yeah. I said, do you have any idea what you're what you're in for? Says, well, I just listened to your fist up. I know exactly what I'm in for. But you got to do it. You agreed to do everything. I said, OK, I'll show him. And so I tried it. I tried it. You know, some lady cut me off on Central Expressway and and I I almost gave her the finger. And I was I was really mad. And I called my sponsor. I'm thinking this is way too stupid for step 10. But I did it anyway. And I called him and I told him he's like he didn't say what what happened. He said, what did you do? Like. What do you mean? What did I do to it? It's what it's what someone did to me. So I was like, OK, well, you know, I honked my horn. So she'd look at me and make eye contact. Then I went like that. And that gave him an opportunity to tell me how selfish and self-centered I am and how that stuff's going to block me from God. He asked me if I'd ask God to remove it. And I said, no. So the last God to remove it and then go go help somebody. He said, you know, go go help anybody. If there's a drunk around, go help him. If you're at the office. And there's no drunks. Go to the person with the with the worst job in the office and help him lick envelopes or something. Just get out of yourself and do something for somebody, which is which is our job, which is what we're supposed to be doing anyway. And so I did it and it worked. And then it happened again. And I did the 10th step again and it worked. And what started happening was, as I started doing it and I kept praying and meditating and I kept working with people and those 10 step calls. It started to become fewer and fewer and further between. And it's kind of funny. I sponsor a lot of guys. I've done a lot of step work with a lot of guys and and some people that don't understand what we'll ask. Well, I mean, how can you possibly sponsor all those guys? It's like it's really easy. I just I just teach them how to get to God. And then I keep reminding them to go back to God. I don't I don't have to give any advice. I don't have to tell anybody to do anything. I'm just kind of like a traffic cop between them and God. And if you know. If I'm doing my job, it's it's real easy because it doesn't take that long to tell someone to, you know, go make amends and take it to God. It's a piece of cake. And so what happens is these guys do it and I don't get the calls in the middle of the night. A lot of times the calls I get are, you know, I just heard this on a four step with the guy and never heard this before. What should I tell him? And those are those are the kinds of conversations I'm having with guys that I sponsor that. That's when when this thing gets to be really fun. When when you're helping them help others, you know, it it it strikes me as odd how how things have have changed in a over the years. You know, I got here during the the the inner child and codependent period. I don't know if any of you guys remember that, but everybody was codependent and they were working on their inner child. Oh, my God. We were we were such a mess. We were such a mess. And then we got into the. Bipolar phase and everybody's bipolar. And then we got into this phase. And and and how about we just go back and look at what the literature says and let's just rely on this stuff to fix ourselves. Let's just try it. I I've I mean, I'm seeing a part of Alcoholics Anonymous that I've never saw before. I'm seeing I'm seeing people with with 15, 16, 17, 20 years sober who are dying in Alcoholics Anonymous ready to blow their brains out. And then they'll hear someone talk about the big book. And they'll come up to him afterwards and they'll go through the steps and they'll experience this, this spiritual awakening, this psychic change. And then and then they're off saving guys. They're the the the other sick guys are attracted to them and people are surviving this thing. I'm seeing all sorts of cool stuff happen. There's there's big book study groups popping up all over the place. And and there's there's, you know, young people, I sponsor so many young people and and it's so much fun to do. Because they got time and energy to to just hit the streets and and and bust their butts looking for drunks to work with. I mean, these these guys are absolutely on fire, the 40 and 50 year olds. They got their careers and stuff. And, you know, it's always an argument. Well, I'm busy. I can't do that. I can't do that. But but working with with with the people that have the time and willingness to do this stuff is is unbelievable. It's the coolest thing I've ever, ever experienced. I didn't I didn't know a lot of AA history. I knew that Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson were the co-founders. And that was about it. I didn't understand that the first thing to ever be called Alcoholics Anonymous was the title of the big book and that the fellowship was named after this book. I didn't get that. I had a feeling this was kind of like a an owner's manual or something that that came about afterwards. And you would think that that maybe once in a while, though, a fellowship of people that call themselves after after a book would would open it up and look at it or do what it says or something. There's there's still a lot of that stuff out there. But there's a lot of people who are taking these steps and recovering. And oh, thank you. Thanks. Oh, that's cold. So there's there's a there's a lot of good stuff going out there and going on out there in a land page eighty nine. I don't think I'd ever read this this chapter before or paid attention to it. But the very first sentence here tells us that it says practical experience shows that nothing will so much. And ensure immunity from drinking is intensive work with other alcoholics. There's only one thing that will ensure immunity from drinking intensive work with other alcoholics. OK, now what I'm doing today, I mean, I love doing this, but but but this ain't that what they're talking about is sitting down eyeball to eyeball, man to man, woman to woman and taking someone through the steps, taking them through the big book, showing them the directions, helping them follow the directions and helping them get plugged into God. OK. So the the thing that works the best is is doing the 12th step. And what always baffles me is is is how many times I've told other people and how many times I've heard other people get told you can't you can't sponsor anybody for a couple of years. You got to have a year or two to sponsor someone. You got to you got to have a year before you even do your fourth step, because if if you do it too soon, you'll you'll get drunk. Seriously. You can't work with anybody. You can't you can't do the only thing that works for a couple of years. I I used to be an accountant. I'm I'm I'm pretty left brained. And and when when you when you look at the math here and you realize that that little paragraph on page 24 tells us that we can't remember the last drink or have it keep us sober for a week or a month, then then we pretty much understand we got a week or a month to start doing the thing that's going to save our bacon. And and so. You know, people's people say, well, you know, I'm just I'm not ready to sponsor anybody and I'm not I'm not really the sponsoring kind. I'm my sponsor says that I'm I'm more of the more of the you know, shake people's hands and and do that stuff and I'm I'm really not the the sponsoring kind. The whole program of alcoholics anonymous is is is based on sponsorship. It's based on carrying this message. It's based on working with others. That's the whole thing. And and a lot of us miss it. The the new people. They're my favorite. There might be some new people here right now that they might have this plan to to go back and go to a bunch of meetings and they write out their their their plans. They're I don't know what it's called, but, you know, I'm going to go to therapy. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. And and and so they just they just miss out. They miss out on the thing that works, the thing that that saves lives. And and really, you know, two people's lives depend upon it. Yours and the guy that's that's suffering. And there's a. There's a lot of people out there that are still suffering. There's a there's a lot of work to do. I mean, there's no shortage of new people to work with. I spend a lot of time in treatment centers and in other places and and and there's just there's just a lot of work to be done. And quite frankly, we don't need any new people hanging out in the back of our meetings waiting for the miracle to happen. That is not where we need you. We need you to join us carrying this message and saving lives. And if you've had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps in in a week or two, then in a week or two, you're ready to start saving lives. Who better to take someone through the steps than someone that just had the experience? Now you're you're you're a lot more credible than that old crusty guy that's got twenty five years telling you to put the plug in the jug. You know who's who's who's better off? You know, who's whose life can be who can save lives here? So we we need all the new people having this experience. Take. these steps and working with others. And if we do that and if we keep doing it and we keep teaching that to the people we sponsor, AA is going to be a wonderful place to be. It's going to be fantastic and it'll change as it's changing right now. I think I'm starting to hit the point where I might start lying. So I think I'll end it on that note. I love you guys. And I love La Hacienda and I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And if it weren't for my showing up here, I swear to God you'd have another speaker today. Because if I had gone to another treatment center and I've been to them, I wouldn't have made it. I was too busted up. It wouldn't have happened. I had to hear what I heard when I came here. And I am forever grateful to everybody that they had anything to do with that. Good. Security. Security. Okay. Thanks very much.